Big Gulped: Palin Delivers a 24 Oz Straw to Bloomberg’s Eye: PCW Extreme Political TV

PCW Extreme Political TV
Friday March 15th, 2013
SIU Arena
Carbondale, IL
Host: Johnny Suave

Suave welcomes us to the show. He reviews what happened last week on PCW’s first show back after a three month haitus:

-Kirsten Karsten made everyone come out to less than intimidating music…
example: Charlie Blackwell walks out to ‘You Light Up My Life’ by Debby Boone;  Dean Barnes to Bob Carlisle’s ‘Butterfly Kisses.’

-Blackwell defeats Barnes followed by a stare down with Big Union’s ‘Self-Described Savior of the Middle Class’ Jack Taylor.  

-Blackwell asked him to address the rumors that Republican and Democratic wrestlers were paid during the 3 month break- Taylor smiled and walked away.

-’The Sun God’ Rah was way too happy and positive for the PCW Champion Triple R (D).  Triple R attacked Rah with the help of fellow Democrats while Republicans were too busy to come to Rah’s aid.

-The Axis of Evil came out to demand that everyone take time to remember all the wonderful things the late Hugo Chavez did for the world.

-PCW Television Champion William Daniels Bryan (I) criticized both parties for paying their wrestlers due to the Sequestration crisis and was challenged by Democrat Paddy O’Kennedy.  Bryan defeated O’Kennedy to retain the TV belt.

———

O’Kennedy comes out and interrupts Sauve.  He talks about the issues with PCW TV Champion William Daniels Bryan criticizing PCW CEO Barack Obama (D-IL) and questioning his leadership.   O’Kennedy want to put the issue behind him so Bryan should come out and apologize.

Bryan comes out makes it clear there’s no chance in hell of that happening.  That brings out PCW Champion Triple R (D).  Triple R says there’s only ONE real champion in PCW and that’s him.  Bryan says he is the Television Champion  and if  Triple R has a problem with that he dares him to take it from him right here tonight.

Triple R says he wants nothing to do with that fake belt.  Bryan again says if he thinks its fake, get in the ring and let’s throw this down tonight.  Triple R tells Bryan at least he was paid during the break and doesn’t really need the money to wrestle for a fake belt against an opponent who couldn’t make it in the big time.

Out of nowhere, Rah runs in and attacks Triple R.  Bryan decks the PCW Champion and holds him down- Rah goes up top and hits a big splash.

Suave tries starting the show but Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) confronts him and blames him for everything that just happened.  Pelosi says Triple R is on his way to the hospital.

Match #1:  ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (D) with Ashley Judd (D-KY) vs. Dan Van Damm
…The One Man Hollywood A-List slingshots DVD into the ropes.  DVD falls and then Chism drops the elbow.  Short-arm clothesline sends DVD to the mat and then Chism follows with the spinebuster slam.  Chism finishes the job with the Hollywood Blockbuster and the referee counts. …1 …2 …3

WINNER: ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism

Post-match, Chism tells the crowd that he hopes Hollywood Icon Ashley Judd is going to challenge Republican Mitch McConnell for his spot on the PCW Executive Committee.   Chism goes on but then the Axis of Evil suddenly appear.

Axis of Evil
Leaders:
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad- President of Iran
Kim Song-Il- dictator of North Korea
??- Venezuela
‘Iran’s Weapon of Mass Destruction’ Khalid-El- HT: 6′ 7″  WT: 335, HOME: Tehran, Iran
FIN: Choke Slam
VALET: Fatima

Byung Hyung Kang- HT: 6′ 2″ WT: 195, HOME: Pyongyang, North Korea
FIN:
VALET: Soon Ye

Fernando Venezuela- HT: 6′ 9″ WT: 355, HOME: Caracas, Venezuela
FIN: Venezuelian Vice Grip

Last week, it was Fernando Venezuela who was pissed off about the lack of ‘respect’ being giving to the recently departed Hugo Chavez.  This week, it’s ‘Iran’s Weapon of Mass Destruction’ Khalid El and leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad- President of Iran.

Khalid-El is upset over Hollywood’s portrayal of Iranians in the movie ‘Argo.’

Khalid-El would like to get his hands on Ben Affleck.  But he’ll settle for the “One Man Hollywood A-List” Stone Chism and the Axis attack him.   Then an attorney walks out and joins Ahmadinejad.   Name- Avocat de Recruter des Victimes

Suave: “He’s an attorney and he’s French?  Could it get any worse?”

The crowd starts waving white flags of surrender at the French Attorney.

des Victimes gets on the microphone and tries to talk- but the crowd begins to mimic the sound of an ambulance.   He claims he is trying to figure out what the most appropriate venue to take legal action against Affleck.  But in the meantime, the most appropriate response is for the Axis of Evil to deliver a stern message of appropriate disapproval for the false portrayal of Iran in the movie.

The Axis of Evil again assault Chism before the Democrats send the Department of Justice flying to the ring to chase them off.

BACKSTAGE
Charlie Blackwell and Brad Company sit and talk about the PCW Sequestration that’s going on.  Blackwell is still steamed about the fact that Republican and Democrat wrestlers were being paid while the non-affiliated ones were not during the three month break.

Then Blackwell and Company are joined by…


Mike the Mechanic w/Tequila Sheila

Mike tells Blackwell and Company that because the Republicans and Democrats can’t get their act together about cutting PCW expenses and major automatic cuts went into effect, the independents aren’t getting their expenses paid for anymore.

This means the wrestler’s travel expenses are no longer being reimbursed by PCW.   Blackwell and Company- not pleased.

Back to the ring…
Suddenly, the lights turned off and a small spotlight illuminated the ramp.  A man dressed in a suit and bow-tie walked in.  “Ladies and gentlemen,” he said in an announcer-type voice.

“I present to you the almost universally-worshipped king of the sun gods of all creation.  He commands the chariot that rode across the sky during the day.   He is the great, fiery globe in the sky, a welcome, nurturing presence to honor the season.  He is the inspiration for those who would throw virgins into the gaping maw of a volcano – perhaps an Icelandic volcano – even though such shenanigans haven’t been acceptable since the 1950s.  And just for your reference, he is, for 28 years in a row, proven to be one of UC San Diego‘s most enduring traditions in the Sun God festival- an all-day music festival celebrated by more than 20,000 students, alumni and friends.  But that’s not important…”

The crowd clapped.

“Either way, you should thank your lucky stars and kiss his royal ass for gracing you with his presence here tonight.  I give to you…the Sunshine God…RAAAAAAAAH!”

Ten bikini-clad, and tanned, females entered the room with two men carrying a golden sedan chair holding a man dressed in long flowing robes.  Rah’s minions Bob Nye- Foot Fetish Guy, children’s show host Happy Mango, and former Delaware Senatorial candidate Christine O’Donnell followed him in.  The procession made its way down the ramp and into the ring.  Rah climbed out of his golden sedan chair and stood surrounded by his bikini girls, two golden sedan chair carrying guys, McDonnell, Nye, and Happy Mango.  He gave a signal and his entourage dropped to their knees and bowed to Rah.

Match #2: Rah vs. Government Excess: Bob the Bureaucrat, Red Tape, Tax Man & Jack D. Up w/ Mr. Wrong in a Gauntlet Match
Rah rips through Jack D. Up and Tax Man in the early going.  He cuts through Red Tap in equally impressive time.  Then Rah takes on Bob the Bureaucrat in a an old school brawl in and around the ring.  Red Tape throws a guard rail into the ring and tries to snag Rah.  But children’s show host Happy Mango dropkicked Red Tape into the guardrail and then it fell on him as well.  Rah then went to DDT Bob the Bureaucrat but Jack D. Up jacked up Rah with a chair shot from behind and then lifted him up and crotched Rah on the guard rail.  Government Excess then tried to beat Rah and his followers down as well. Bob the Bureaucrat got on the mic and asked for more money, but then…

American Taxpayer
Mitch Thomas- The American Taxpayer

Thomas, Charlie Blackwell, and Brad Company hit the ring and destroyed Government Excess.  Someone in the crowd handed Company a Captain America Shield and he started nailing Government Excess with it.   Rah recovered and DDT’d Bob the Bureaucrat on the Captain America shield to win.


Corporate Might: Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit (R)
with Herbstreit
Judge Smalls

Smalls says Corporate Might is here to do what corporations do, operate like Borg-like entities that swallow up and incorporate other companies into their own and then totally water down the product.  Smalls has a warning for PCW- “You will be assimilated.”

Match #3: Michael Bloomberg (I-NY) vs.

Palin3

‘The Alaskan Pitbull’ Sarah Palin (R-AK)
This rocked for the 7 minutes it got.  Palin came out sipping a 24 oz. Big Gulp drink and Bloomberg flipped out and both literally beat the crap out of each other.  No holds in this.  Bloomberg had a nasty cut on the back of his head and Palin poured soda into it. Palin’s eye got busted open on a desperate chair shot by Bloomberg.  Bloomberg tries to run Palin’s head into the ring post but the Alaskan Pitbull slips free and Bloomberg hits the post hard.  He slumps down and sits in the corner.  Palin grabs a chair and puts it over his crotch.  Then she gets another chair and whacks the chair on Bloomberg three times.  Palin drags Bloomberg into the middle of the ring and makes the cover.  The ref counts the three count and Palin wins.

OMG! PCW’s Back? PCW Returns After Three Months and Finds That Things…Haven’t Changed.

PCW Extreme Political TV Review
Saturday March 9th, 2012
DC Armory
Washington D.C.

PCW finally returned to the airwaves last night with a show at the DC Armory.  The show would have been Friday night but Rand Paul (R-KY) got into the ring and spoke for over 15 hours straight, forcing PCW to move the show back one night.

‘The Voice of PCW’ Johnny Suave welcomed everyone back and ran down who the champions were:

PCW WORLD CHAMPION:  Triple R (D)
PCW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS:  
Big Union: ‘The Self Described Savior of the Middle Class’ Jack Taylor and James the Jeep Worker (D)
TELEVISION CHAMPION:
William Daniels Bryan (I)

The show started with Charlie Blackwell and  Brad Company talking backstage.  Blackwell was glad to be back in and wondered how the rest of the rank and file PCW workers managed during the near three month hiatus.  Company didn’t know but said he heard a rumor that the Republican and Democrat wrestlers were paid during the time off, piquing Blackwell’s interest.

Concerto for Trumpet, no. 2 by Johann Melchior Molter (1696-1765) plays as an introduction…

Two men come out and unroll a white carpet to the ring steps. Dancers then dance. Ballet dancers…ballet? Little children walk up the white carpet and drop rose petals. Someone lets loose some pigeons…we’re still not sure just how they’ll get out of the building. The crowd stands and lets out a loud ovation as PCW CEO Barack Obama appears.

Obama also welcomes everyone back to PCW and promptly blames the Republicans for the three month break.

Yeah, typical…- Johnny Suave

The PCW CEO then introduces a new quality control aide, Kirsten Karsten, to make sure that the PCW programming is appropriate for all.

“I got this idea from watching the Dan Patrick show!”- Kirsten Karsten

Karsten’s first edict is that all music used by PCW wrestlers must be non-offensive.  Then Obama calls for the first match of the night.

Charlie Blackwell vs. Dean Barnes of the Bookworms Barnes and Noble

Charlie Blackwell- HT: 6′ 4″  WT: 215, HOME: New Braunfels, TX/FIN: Tazzmission (Katahajime)

Blackwell walks out to ‘You Light Up My Life’ by Debby Boone;  Barnes to Bob Carlisle’s ‘Butterfly Kisses.’

You’ve got to be kidding me- Johnny Suave

Both wrestlers look up at the loudspeakers and appear annoyed as they climb into the ring.

During the match, Barnes’s tag team partner Kevin Noble grabbed Blackwell and held onto his leg.  Blackwell dragged Noble into the middle of the ring and narrowed escaped getting blasted by an oversized picture book of War and Peace.  Blackwell hit a DDT on Barnes and pinned him for the win.

WINNER: Charlie Blackwell

Blackwell asked for his regular music and “Do You Hear the People Sing?” from Les Miz comes on.  Blackwell is immediately confronted by ‘The Self Described Savior of the Middle Class’ Jack Taylor- one half of the PCW Tag Team champions Big Union.

Both Taylor and Blackwell have had major disagreements in the past about who truly represents the ordinary man in PCW- Johnny Suave

Blackwell and Taylor have a staredown.  Blackwell tells Taylor he has only one question to ask him- was he paid during PCW’s shut down?  Taylor smiles and walks away.

PCW Champion Triple R walks out and as usual, he’s in a pissed off, road rage kind of mood.   Triple R says that he should be recognized as the best ever PCW Champion but he’s not because of the fans.

Suddenly, the lights turned off and a small spotlight illuminated the ramp.  A man dressed in a suit and bow-tie walked in.  “Ladies and gentlemen,” he said in an announcer-type voice.

“I present to you the almost universally-worshipped king of the sun gods of all creation.  He commands the chariot that rode across the sky during the day.   He is the great, fiery globe in the sky, a welcome, nurturing presence to honor the season.  He is the inspiration for those who would throw virgins into the gaping maw of a volcano – perhaps an Icelandic volcano – even though such shenanigans haven’t been acceptable since the 1950s.  And just for your reference, he is, for 28 years in a row, proven to be one of UC San Diego‘s most enduring traditions in the Sun God festival- an all-day music festival celebrated by more than 20,000 students, alumni and friends.  But that’s not important…”

Triple R glared at the announcer on the ramp.

“Either way, you should thank your lucky stars and kiss his royal ass for gracing you with his presence here tonight.  I give to you…the Sunshine God…RAAAAAAAAH!”

Ten bikini-clad, and tanned, females entered the room with two men carrying a golden sedan chair holding a man dressed in long flowing robes.  Rah’s minions Bob Nye- Foot Fetish Guy, children’s show host Happy Mango, and former Delaware Senatorial candidate Christine O’Donnell followed him in.  The procession made its way down the ramp and into the ring.  Rah climbed out of his golden sedan chair and stood surrounded by his bikini girls, two golden sedan chair carrying guys, McDonnell, Nye, and Happy Mango.  He gave a signal and his entourage dropped to their knees and bowed to Rah.

And the crowd gave Rah a standing ovation- further pissing off Triple R.

“What the ****!” Triple R snaps.  He calls Rah a sideshow distraction who need to get him and his reprobate followers the hell out of his ring.

Rah responds that he brings optimism and sunshine to an otherwise depressing time.  Rah invites Triple R to join his group and ‘see the light.’

Triple R tells Rah to **** off.  The PCW champion adds that he’s already with the group that matters- the Democrats.  “We run PCW!” he crows.  “Welcome to Triple R’s PCW!”

At that point, Democrats ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism, ‘The Self-Described Savior of the Middle Class’ Jack Taylor, and Paddy O’Kennedy hit the ring, causing Rah’s entourage to scatter, and attack the Sunshine God.   The six foot eight Rah tries to fight off the attack but the numbers game wins out.

“Well, isn’t that just great.  Democrats claim they’re for working Americans- but they’re not.- Johnny Suave

Backstage- Republican’s Dressing Room
Big Oil, Kirk Walstreit, and P.M.C. Banks watch the attack on the video screen.   Banks, who wrestled Triple R for the PCW title at Extreme Election Night 2012 back in November, asks Walstreit if they should go out and help Rah.

Unfortunately, Walstreit is on the phone with his Wall Street Market Analyst and is too busy to lend a hand.  And Big Oil?  Too busy counting all the cash from $3.75 per gallon prices at the pumps.

“And Republicans say they’re for Main Street America- but they’re not.- Johnny Suave

Back in the ring, the assault continues and now it’s spread to the crowd?   A distrubance breaks out in one section of the DC Armory.

“HOLY CRAP!  IT’S RIOT!…no wait…check that…-Johnny Suave

“Oh.  Never mind.”

Backstage- PCW TV Champion William Daniels Bryan and Charlie Blackwell
Blackwell tells Bryan that he thinks Republican and Democratic wrestlers were paid during the PCW hiatus while the rest were not.  Bryan is not pleased.

The music of Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop” suddenly starts to play.

“HOLY CRAP! IS THAT WHO I THINK IT IS?”- Johnny Suave

The crowd explodes. A spotlight points out a plaid shirted man sporting a Singapore cane in one hand and a cup of mocha in the other.

“IT’S HIM! HE’S HERE! HE’S BACK! HE’S THE TREE HUGGIN’, MOCHA CHUGGIN’, TOBACCO COMPANY BUGGIN’ ALPHA MALE AND ENVIROMENTAL EXTREME HARDCORE ICON…”- Johnny Suave


The Extreme Environmental Hardcore Icon Al Gore

The crowd sings the chorus “Don’t stop, thinking about tomorrow.” Gore holds up his mocha, inside an environmentally friendly biodegradable container of course, and chugs it down. Then he spews it out of his mouth into the crowd and then crushes the paper container on his forehead in a manly fashion.

The Environmental Extreme Hardcore Icon walks down the steps to the main floor. At the bottom of the steps, Gore pulls out another container of mocha, guzzles it down, spews it into the crowd, and then smashes the container on his forehead. Gore then wades through the main floor crowd to the ring.  He climbs up on the apron, pulls out yet another cup of mocha, guzzles that one down, spews it into the crowd, and then smashes the container on his forehead.

Gore tells the crowd to forget all the happy, sunshine talk from Rah earlier in the night.  The world is going to hell in a handbasket and everyone should go out and buy his new book to see why…

The Future: Six Drivers of Global Change- Al Gore

Gore says the world sucks but it could be worse.  Then one of his aides come up pushing a wheelbarrow full of cash and parks it next to him.  “It could be a lot worse,” Gore adds.

Special Announcement
Dan Hill’s ‘Sometimes When We Touch’ plays over the loudspeaker much to everyone’s bemusement as the Axis of Evil makes their way to the ring.

Axis of Evil
Leaders:
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad- President of Iran
Kim Jong-Un- dictator of North Korea
Hugo Chavez- dictator of Venezuela
‘Iran’s Weapon of Mass Destruction’ Khalid-El- HT: 6′ 7″  WT: 335, HOME: Tehran, Iran
FIN: Choke Slam
VALET: Fatima

Byung Foo Qu- HT: 6′ 2″ WT: 195, HOME: Pyongyang, North Korea
FIN:
VALET: Soon Ye

Fernando Venezuela- HT: 6′ 9″ WT: 355, HOME: Caracas, Venezuela
FIN: Venezuelian Vice Grip

First, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran leads ‘Iran’s Weapon of Mass Destruction’ Khalid-El to the ring.

Then, the music changes- ‘One Tin Soldier’…

yes, THAT song…by Caste. Next out, North Korea’s Kim Song-Un brings out his wrestler, Byung Foo Qu.

Finally…

…even the Axis of Evil cringe in the ring when the song’ comes on.  Fernando Venezuela, holding up a placard with the picture of the late Hugo Chavez on it, somberly walks to the ring.

The crowd starts to boo and that upsets the Axis of Evil.  Kim Jong-Un starts to circle the ring and threatens to nuke everyone in the building.  In fact, he’s pretty upset about the treatment Venezuela’s getting.

Then…

“Hey guys.  Kim Jong-Un is actually a cool guy.  He likes basketball.  PCW CEO Barack Obama likes basketball, too!  It’s a start!- Dennis Rodman

Former NBA star Dennis Rodman makes his first return to wrestling since the NWO days in WCW.  Rodman holds up several pieces of paper.

“See?  We’re best buds.  BFF.  Pen-pals- Rodman

The camera then cut back to Suave.

“Can we put the least intimidating wrestler music back on…please?- Suave

Special Announcement- Take Two
PCW CEO Barack Obama (D-IL) makes a special announcement.  Yes, PCW is back in business.  No, things aren’t back to normal.

“PCW has undergone Sequestration and until the Republicans in the PCW Competition Committee come to the table with a plan,deep budget cuts have to be made.  This will hurt those who can’t afford these cuts the most.”- Barack Obama

This brings out PCW Television champion William Daniels Bryan.

“Funny, the lower card wrestlers have already suffered through Sequestration seeing as none of them have been paid since December.  Maybe you should ask your wrestlers to do the same.”- Bryan

Paddy O’Kennedy walks out and challenges Bryan for challenging the PCW CEO and we’ve got a match.

Main Event: PCW Television Title Match
William Daniels Bryan (c) vs. Paddy O’Kennedy (D)

William Daniels Bryan- HT: 5’10″  WT: 180, HOME: Platte, Nebraska FIN: Cattle Mutilation/Crane Kick

Bryan drags O’Kennedy back into the ring.  He goes up top but ‘The Self Described Savior of the Middle Class’ Jack Taylor of Big Union runs down and blasts Bryan with a chair.  Now it’s O’Kennedy going up top, but now it’s Charlie Blackwell down to the ring.  Chairshot to Taylor.  Chairshot to O’Kennedy.  Blackwell rolls Bryan on top of O’Kennedy…one…two…three.

WINNER AND STILL PCW TELEVISION CHAMPION: William Daniels Bryan (I)

PCW Rewind: 3/25/07- BCEW vs. EECW War PPV

**10 Bell Tribute to the Victims of the Connecticut Elementary School Shooting**

In lieu of the events of earlier today, PCW brings you a show from 2007 instead of a new episode.

Next week, PCW will present the end of the year supershow- PCW’s End of the World II.  Until then, we take you back to March of 2007.  George W. Bush is the CEO and PCW was BCEW back then.  Enjoy…

OPEN
Suave recaps how we got here. Seg McMann’s first appearance in BCEW. His infatuation with BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin that started at BCEW Lock and Load. The inglorious “Seg McMann Kiss My Ass’s Ass Club” debacle at the BCEW Christmas Extravaganza. The shocking betrayal at the 1/17 edition of BCEW Extreme Political TV that saw BCEW lose it’s cable show to Seg McMann and Extremely Extreme Corporate Wrasslin, the stunning attack on BCEW champion, Justin Sufferable, and former champ, ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido- the twin towers of BCEW, and the revelation at BCEW At War- part one that both Sufferable and Escondido would be out for a year due to severe knee injuries.

Suave: “On BCEW At War- Part 2, Seg McMann appeared to lay down a challenge to BCEW.”

REPLAY FROM BCEW AT WAR- PART TWO
Seg McMann’s face again appears on the big screen TV while the brawl moves towards the back. McMann calls out George W and says it’s time to choose.

George W’s mariachi band appears and leads the BCEW CEO down the aisle. Suave: “He’s coming out to answer the challenge of the so-called sports entertainment genius, Seg McMann!” W climbs into the ring followed by Dick and the Mastermind Karl Rove. Rove points to his temple to remind us all that he’s a frickin’ genius. W takes the mic. George W: “Seg. I have just three words for you. BRING IT ON!”

Suave describes how the Extremely Extreme Corporate Wrasslin ‘stars’ all showed up to the BCEW Hall in Eagle Rock, Ohio in chauffeur-driven limousines while the BCEW wrestlers all drove themselves to the venue.

BACKSTAGE
“Queen” Nancy Pelosi of the Progressive Alliance questions BCEW CEO, George W, about ‘the plan for a small time, shoe-string operation to defeat a well-funded corporate entity?’ W assures Pelosi that Don Rumsfeld, his aide de camp- Dick, and “The Mastermind” Karl Rove all have things under control. W: “In fact, I can tell you that we have a special surprise tonight that’ll knock your heavy, wool-knitted hunting socks off.” Pelosi: “I’m not wearing heavy, wool-knitted hunting socks, George.” W: “That’s what we call a Texas figure of speech.”

Seg McMann makes his grand entrance into the BCEW Hall. The BCEW fans boo him and throw non-lethal projectiles at him.

Suave: “Here’s something that’ll Seg will like. Women who can actually wrestle! That’s right. It’s the return of the BCEW women’s division that Seg ruined when he came into BCEW.”

MATCH #1- WOMEN’S FIVE WAY FIGHT FOR THE BCEW WOMEN’S TITLE
Suave: “Stick that in your ear, Seg.” It is announced that Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi of the Progressive Alliance worked out a deal with BCEW CEO, George W, to bring back the women’s title.

The contestants are: Defense Specialist and newcomer to BCEW- Hallie Burton, BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl- Tessa Martin, Opal Winfree- accompanied by her flock (New Age Sensitive Guy and Soccer Mom), Trailer Park Skating Princess Tanya Hardy- accompanied by the White Trash Posse, and Peta from PETA of the Green World Order.

The referee was about to ring the bell when the other three members of the Green World Order (Greenpete, Peacenik, and Vegan Brock Cole Lee) come to protest the BCEW- EECW war. Carrying picket signs and chanting anti-war slogans, the GWO hold up the beginning of the match. Peta from PETA sits down in the middle of the ring and refuses to move. Finally, Dick comes out and orders the match to begin. Hallie Burton, Tessa Martin, Opal Winfree, and Tanya Hardy each helps lift Peta up and toss her over the top rope- eliminating her. Peta from PETA eliminated.

Suave: “And we’re off. The first wrestler out is Peta from PETA. And I’d to say that it’s nice to see BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin back. Apparently, she’s been working out and preparing herself for this moment.” Tessa takes a hot, steaming pizza box containing a loaded meat lovers pizza and smashes it in the face of Opal Winfree. Immediately, Opal’s flock fly into the ring and assault Tessa. New Age Sensitive Guy clotheslines her. Soccer Mom shouts out “It’s all for the children” and then suplexes the BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl right out of the ring. Tessa Martin eliminated.

Down to three. Tanya Hardy’s White Trash Posse hits the ring and gets involved, batoning New Age Sensitive Guy, Soccer Mom, and then Opal. Then they attack Defense Specialist Hallie Burton which then brings out “The Mastermind” Karl Rove. Rove comes to the side but does not engage Tanya’s posse. Suave: “What’s he doing out here if he’s not going to help Hallie Burton?” Suddenly, Right Wing Blogger Michelle Malkin and Talk show host, Laura Ingraham, rappel down a rope from the ceiling of the BCEW Hall and even up the odds. Opal gets up and slings Hardy into the ropes. The Green World Order interferes when Greenpete pulls down the top rope causing Hardy to flip over and out of the ring. Trailer Park Skating Queen Tanya Hardy eliminated.

Down to two. Malkin and Ingraham dispose of the White Trash Posse and then kick Opal’s flock out of the ring. The GWO then attack them. Brock Cole Lee applies the Vegan Vice submission move on Malkin while Greenpete puts Ingraham in a sleeper hold. Suave: “It’s down to Opal vs. the newcomer Hallie Burton. Burton goes for a chair but Opal whips her to the corner. Air Opal! Burton staggers out and falls on her face. Opal lifts her up and leg sweeps Burton face first into a chair. Burton against stumbles back into the corner. Air Opal again and then she lays out the Defense Specialist with a hurricanrana. Suave: “Wow! Hallie looks totally outclassed right now.” Opal lays Burton out with a chair and she rolls out the ring totally dazed. Opal sets up a table ringside and lays Burton on it. Opal climbs in between the ropes as not to self-eliminate herself to fly off the edge of the ring. Out of nowhere, Karl Rove pushes her off and puts her and Hallie through the table. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Dick runs in and he and Rove throw both Hallie and Opal back in the ring. Rove then slingshots Opal over the top rope eliminating her and giving Hallie Burton the BCEW Women’s Crown. Opal Winfree eliminated.

WINNER AND NEW BCEW WOMEN’S CHAMPION: ‘DEFENSE SPECIALIST’ HALLIE BURTON (American Patriots)

Suave: “Dick promised her a big role in tonight’s PPV and he delivered. Hallie Burton, out of nowhere, becomes the new BCEW Women’s champion.” Reluctantly, Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi of the Progressive Alliance award Burton with her title belt.

BACKSTAGE
An aggravated BCEW CEO, George W, is on the phone. W: “Yes. We will fill the third match before the BCEW-EECW war. No, I did not know that Dick and Karl Rove was going to interfere in the women’s match. Yes. The plan we have for BCEW vs. EECW is sufficient. My team believes we should have no problem prevailing tonight.” W hangs up the phone as a stranger enters his office. W demands to know who he is. The man explains he is Vince Rousseau- creative genius. Rousseau tells W he knows they’re missing a match and can’t afford to use one of their regulars because of the war. W is interested. Rousseau states he has a ‘great’ idea for a ‘concept match’ that’s so innovative, so creative, that it’ll blow everyone’s mind.

PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE LOCKER ROOM
“The American Screamer” Howard Dean bangs his fist on the desk. He tells Nancy Pelosi that he didn’t know that Dick and Karl Rove would interfere in the Women’s five-way fight. Pelosi wonders if “The Mastermind” Rove is going to try to use the BCEW-EECW war tothe American Patriots advantage. Dean tells Pelosi that they need to be out there during the brawl to make sure everything is called ‘right…down…the…middle.” Then Dean did his trademark scream, “YEEEEEE-AAHHHHH!”

MATCH #2- BACKYARD BRAWL FOR BCEW MEN’S TITLE
Suave: “Fifteen men will fight for the provisional BCEW Title currently held by Justin Sufferable. If and when Sufferable comes back from his injury next year, whoever the champion is at that point will have to wrestle Sufferable. The wrestler gets eliminated when he’s thrown over the top rope.”

Competing for the title:
American Patriots- Starz N. Stripes, Big Oil, Neal Conn, Kirk Walstreit, and Country Club member Steve “The Elk” Elkins.
Progressive Alliance- Triple R (Road Ragin’ Randy), Union Jac, Extreme Trial Attorney R Felcher of Felcher and Felcher, DLC, and Chuck-atalie from the Dixie Chucks.
Independents- A. Tom Bomb (A-Bomb), Nic Koteen from Politically Incorrect, Little Paulie from the American Bikers, FUBAR, and Joe from the Beer Bellied Softball Playing Ninja.

The bell rings and all the participants charge to the middle except for Triple R who rolls underneath the ropes to the outside. Triple R unfolds a chair and sits and watches the action.

FUBAR executes a hip toss on Neal Conn and throws him into the corner. FUBAR then rushes Conn and leaps at him. Conn ducks under and flips FUBAR out of the ring. FUBAR out. FUBAR Eliminated.

Suave: “Down to fourteen. FUBAR is as usual…well…FUBAR. Meanwhile, Triple R seems to be relaxing and enjoying the action.”

Big Oil beats down on DLC while A-Bomb and Starz N. Stripes go at it. Big Oil whips DLC into the ropes, but DLC ducks and Union Jac hits a couple clotheslines on the big guy from behind. Kirk Walstreit whips Nic Koteen to the corner and clotheslines him. Walstreit goes up on the top rope and hits a split-legged moonsault on Koteen. Neal Conn and Steve “The Elk” Elkins double-teams Beer Bellied Softball Playin’ Ninja Joe with elbows. Walstreit picks Koteen up and smashes him to the ground with his finisher, ‘The Stock Market Plunge.’ Big Oil hoists Koteen up and tosses him from the ring. Nic Koteen eliminated.

Big Oil has Union Jac in a wrist clutch and goes for a power slam but Union Jac gets out of it and runs to the ropes. Kirk Walstreit and Steve “The Elk” Elkins rush over and double clothesline Union Jac over the top rope. Union Jac eliminated.

R Felcher runs into an arm drag and a scoop slam by Big Oil. Little Paulie from the American Bikers goes up and hits a frog splash on Chuck-atalie. Suddenly, the lights go out. Suave: “What the hell is going on?” Mass confusion. The crowd murmers. One minute later, the lights come back on. A-Bomb is hanging on to the rope for dear life. Everyone else appears to have been thrown over the top rope. Everyone except A-Bomb and Triple R eliminated

Cut to backstage. George W and Dick confront Nancy Pelosi and “Pith Lord” Harry Reid and demand to know what’s going on. Pelosi tells W she doesn’t know. Reid: “It appears the lights have gone off.” Dick: “No @#$#, Sherlock.” Suave wonders if there’s a hint of dissention growing in the unified front the American Patriots and the Progressive Alliance have been portraying.

Still sitting in the chair, Triple R grins with Arianna Huffington appearing next to her. A-Bomb pulls himself back into the ring and then slides out under the rope and goes after Triple R. Suddenly, the Left Wing Bloggers (Daily Kos, Media Matters for America, and Eric Alterman) and the Green World Order (Greenpete, Vegan Brock Cole Lee, and Peacenik) pile out from under the ring with lead pipes and other weapons and attack A-Bomb. Suave: “This was a set up! Triple R had this all planned!” Hy Drogen Bomb and Newt Tron Bomb race down along with Al Cahall and NRA of Politically Incorrect and dive into the fray.

Cahall and NRA double clothesline Daily Kos. H-Bomb slams Eric Alterman against the ring steps while N-Bomb sets up a table. Suave: “IT’S FREAKIN’ CHAOS HERE!” H-Bomb Hydrogen Power Bombs Alterman through the table while NRA hits a rolling senton on the floor against Greenpete. Meanwhile, Triple R finally gets out of his chair and goes over to A-Bomb. He drags him by the hair back into the ring. Triple R flips off A-Bomb and then launches him over the top rope. A-Bomb eliminated.

WINNER AND NEW BCEW CHAMPION- TRIPLE R (ROAD RAGIN’ RANDY)

Triple R celebrates with Arianna Huffington and the Left Wing Bloggers. Backstage, W and Dick are pissed. Both make it clear to both Pelosi and Reid that they expect Triple R to represent BCEW in the champion’s match to end BCEW vs. EECW. Pelosi reassures W that he will.

Match #3- Vince Rousseau’s ‘great idea for a match.’ THE SCOTTISH HIGHLANDER BATTLE ROYAL
Eight wrestlers, all dressed in Scottish kilts and lugging large swords at their sides, walked in single file to the ring. Suave: “Well? We’ve got eight people in the ring, all dressed up like Scottish Highlanders. Who’s bright idea was this?” Vince Rousseau, creative genius, comes out and joins Suave. Suave: “That figures.”

The bell rings and all eight men circle the ring, keeping a wary eye on each participant. Then they start to brawl in an intricate, distinctly Scottish style. Suave: “Wow. This is kinda of exciting. A different dimension we’re not used to.” Rousseau: “See? I told everyone this would be a good idea.” Suave admits that Rousseau could be right.

More wild brawling with three distinct groups going at it with each other. Suave: “This is really good stuff! This is really…ah…what the hell is that one doing?” One of the contestants unsheathes his sword and with one swift stroke lops off the head of another contestant. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! HE JUST…HE JUST CUT OFF THAT GUY’S HEAD!” Rousseau: “Well, Johnny. The only way a participant in a Scottish Highlander Battle Royal can be eliminated is when his head is chopped off.” Suave lets that sit for a moment and then blows up at Rousseau. Suave: “THAT’S THE WORST IDEA I’VE EVER HEARD FOR A CONCEPT MATCH!” Another Highlander lops off another head. Suave: “AWWW…THIS IS JUST WRONG!” More heads come flying off until there’s only two left.

Suave: “Down to two standing.” Rousseau: “You see, Johnny. They’ll fight it out to the death because, as everyone knows in Scottish Highlander Battle Royale rules, there can be only one……wrestler, that is, left at the end.” Suave looks at him as if he’s totally nuts. Finally, the last Highlander loses his head and mercifully the match is over.

Afterwards, Supermodel Noami Campbell comes out to clean the blood off the ring as part of her sentence to community service.

Suave then announces it’s time for war. Immediately, the Green World Order comes out to protest. Peacenik calls the BCEW-EECW ‘war’ immoral and demands that George W cancel the event. The manager of Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon, Gina Ramsey, comes out to introduce the first match. George W and Nancy Pelosi accompanies her to the ring. Then Seg McMann comes out and cuts a promo, calling BCEW ‘garbage wrestling’ full of chair shots, tables, and other weapons. McMann again claims that he, and only he, is the king of ‘Sports Entertainment.’ Gina announces the first match participants.

BCEW vs. EECW- match 1- RAVING REDNECKS LOCKE AND LOADE (BCEW) vs. “The Wizard” KEVIN DORN w/ Arieola and PRINCIPAL MARK STRYKER, (EECW)
Suave: “Well. Here’s the first match.” Suave has to speak up because the GWO continues to demonstrate around the broadcast area. Gary Locke and Kevin Dorn lock up. Dorn is the ‘mystical wizard’ character on EECW who hangs out with his wizard apprentice, the lovely Arieola. They do a couple of rapid mat wrestling and reversal sequences that gets the crowd cheering. Dorn seems a little slower in getting back up and Locke catches him with a clothesline. Dorn gets back up and tries to use his ‘mystical’ powers on Locke. Locke looks at him funny and then belly to belly suplexes him. Suave: “I don’t think Dorn’s ‘mystical powers’ are going to work here in BCEW.” Locke hits a spinning toe-hold. Dorn struggles to keep up and scrambles to his corner and tags in Mark Stryker. Locke tags in Loade.

Earl Loade runs out and trips up Stryker. Then both go through their own series of mat holds and reversals. Loade whips Stryker into the ropes and Locke leaps up on the turnbuckles and drop kicks Stryker into the next time zone. Dorn rushes in and Locke and Loade doubleteam power slam him and then they slingshot him into the corner. Suave: “Dorn and Stryker can’t keep up with Locke and Loade’s workrate! They’re used to slower matches!” Dorn staggers back in and is on the receiving end of a tilt-a-whirl slam by Locke. Loade then climbs the turnbuckle and hits a leg drop from above. Arieola tries to interfere and waves a ‘magic wand’ at Locke. Locke can’t believe what she’s trying to do and drags her by the hair Locke back over the top rope. Stryker tries to rescue her and Locke superkicks him into la-la land. Locke tosses Arieola off the stage into the front row, then climbs back into the ring and helps Loade deliver a 4-D Death Blast to Dorn. Loade covers.

WINNER: BCEW. BCEW LEADS 1-0

Suave taunts McMann. Suave: “Garbage wrestling, huh?” A clearly, uncomfortable McMann doesn’t respond. Suave comments that the EECW wrestlers weren’t used to the pace of a BCEW match. Suave: “Now, we’ll see how the women fare in our next match.”

BCEW vs. EECW- match 2- DAISY CUTTER-BOMB (BCEW) vs. SHELLY SHELLY SHELLY (EECW)
EECW beauty Shelly Shelly Shelly tries to do her ‘Extremely Extreme X-pose.’ Shelly Shelly Shelly whips off her top. McMann comments that this is what people want to see- women wrestlers in undergarment matches. Suave reminds him that this is not an undergarment match. Daisy gives her a neckbreaker. Suave: “That’s right. In BCEW, our ladies aren’t just ear candy for drunk, loser guys to ogle. They can actually wrestle…” Daisy then knocks out Shelly Shelly Shelly with a steel-folding chair. “…and lethally wield steel-folding chairs.” Daisy covers and gets the pin.

WINNER: BCEW. BCEW LEADS 2-0

Pissed off, Seg stalks off to the back.

GEORGE W.- MISSION ACCOMPLISHED SEGMENT
Suddenly, BCEW CEO George W rappels down from the rafters and lands on a platform in the ring. Dick pulls off the tarp covering and the platform says ‘MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.’ Suave: “Isn’t it a bit early to be claiming victory? We haven’t won the third match yet.” Over the protest chants of the Green World Order, George W. all but declares victory and then announces his ‘big surprise’ to accentuate BCEW’s victory over EECW. George W: “Who better to close this out with than EECW Oldtimer Tommy Dreamboat, the heart and soul of EECW!” Pelosi and Reid backstage don’t seem very comfortable. Pelosi: “I don’t know about this.” Reid, in his usual tersely cogent way: “We have not won anything yet!”

Dreamboat comes out for his match to the tune of Alice in Chains “Man in a Box.” Suave notes that BCEW leads 2 to nothing and Dreamboat could put the final nail in the coffin of EECW.

BCEW vs. EECW- match 3- ‘The Heart and Soul of EECW’ TOMMY DREAMBOAT (BCEW) vs. MARCUS CAL GONE (EECW)
Cal Gone doesn’t even make it to the ring. Dreamboat goes right after him and slams him into the steel barricade. Quick chair shots in succession leave Cal Gone dazed and wondering what hit him. Dreamboat gives Cal Gone a back suplex and when gets back up Dreamboat nails him with a road sign. Dreamboat pulls out a cheese grater and cuts Cal Gone with it- he is badly busted open at this point! Suave: “They may have to stop this! Dreamboat is making a huge statement right now!” Dreamboat grabs a ladder and knocks out Cal Gone with it. At this point, McMann runs down to the ring and grabs the ladder. Dreamboat goes to the outside and uses the cheese grater on the forehead of Seg McMann, which elicits a huge cheer and a BCEW chant from the crowd. Dreamboat back in the ring, he grabs a garbage can and drops toe holds Cal Gone on it. Dreamboat covers Cal Gone, but only gets a two count. Cal Gone staggers back up and Dreamboat then knocks him right back out with a steel chair as the crowd chants “HOLY S@#$#” loudly. Suave: “They’ve got to stop this. Cal Gone is defenseless.” Dreamboat puts Cal Gone on top of the ladder and climbs up on the corner turnbuckle. Dreamboat leaps off the turnbuckle and misses as Cal Gone miraculously moved at the last second and Dreamboat’s back hit the metal ladder hard. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! HE MISSED…AND HE’S NOT MOVING VERY WELL.”

Backstage, the party atmosphere in George W’s office changes the second Dreamboat hit the ladder with his back. Both Dick and ‘The Mastermind’ Karl Rove watch the monitor very closely.

Wincing, Dreamboat rolls off the ladder and Cal Gone takes control. Cal Gone gets in a kick, chop and some hard forearms on Dreamboat, who can barely stand. Cal Gone takes down Dreamboat with a big forearm and Dreamboat valiantly tries to fight back. Suave: “10 years ago, when Dreamboat was at his prime, he would have eaten him alive. Now?” Cal Gone rubs his boot in the face of Dreamboat. Suave: “Now? His body ain’t what it used to be.” Cal Gone whips Dreamboat into the ropes and nails him with a big back suplex with huge impact. Cal Gone immediately covers and gets the pin.

WINNER: EECW. BCEW LEADS 2-1

The grumbling backstage starts. Nancy Pelosi questions why a Starz N. Stripes or A. Tom Bomb wasn’t used. George W tries to assure them that everything is on schedule. Donald Rumsfeld tells everyone that there’s nothing wrong and the night continues to go as planned.

BCEW vs. EECW- match 4- ‘The Extremely Extreme Hardcore Icon’ HACK SAND-MANN (BCEW) vs. I M PUNK’D (EECW)
Sand-mann’s unique ring entrance lasts several minutes, as usual. He circles the ring, smokes a cigarette, and guzzles several beers. Sand-Mann then smashes a can on his forehead and opens up a cut before the match even begins. Suave: “And I thought the Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don Martini had a wild entrance. Sand-Mann may have them beat.” Punk’d waits patiently for Sand-Mann to climb into the ring. Sand-Mann finally enters and rushes towards Punk’d with a Singapore cane. Punk’d kicks Sand-Mann in the mid-section and swats the cane out of his hand. Two quick moves and Punk’d applies the Python to Sand-Mann causing him to tap out.

WINNER: EECW. TIE 2-2

The crowd murmurs. Backstage, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid openly questions George W’s strategy. The Massachusetts Blueblood JFK complains that they were misled. JFK: “George W told us that we could defeat EECW even though logic dictates that a corporately run company should have a distinct advantage. I never should have voted for this before I voted against voting for this in the first place!” Dick comes out and states that people who question George W’s strategy undermine BCEW and do the bidding of Seg McMann and EECW. Suave: “Okay, that’s a little strong. It’s clear that George W’s plan to have two EECW oldtimers close out the war was a huge mistake. They need to change course and fast.”

The Green World Order continues to protest ringside.

Backstage, Triple R and Arianna confront Nancy Pelosi. Triple R says there’s no way he’ll wrestle Bobby Lashaway, that this isn’t his fight, and that he has what he wants- the BCEW title. Pelosi tries to change his mind but Arianna scolds her for collaborating with George W in an unjust and unneeded war with EECW. Suave: “So, who’s going to wrestle now?”

Starz N. Stripes emerges from the back and goes to the ring, accompanied by the Defense Specialist and new BCEW Women’s champion, Hallie Burton. Suave: “Dick told Hallie Burton that she would have a huge role in tonight’s show and for once, he wasn’t lying. Starz N. Stripes takes Triple R’s place in the final battle.”

BCEW vs. EECW- match 5- STARZ N. STRIPES (BCEW) vs. EECW Champion BOBBY LASHAWAY (EECW)
Seg McMann came back to the broadcast table and told Suave that he should kiss his royal feet for giving a BCEW chance to take on a real wrestling company in EECW and then calls BCEW “rinky dink.” Suave asks McMann if he remembers this moment:

REPLAY OF SEG McMANN ‘KISS MY ASS’S ASS SEGMENT
Seg grabs Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon manager, Gina Ramsey, by her chin and makes her look at him. He rants that ‘no one talks to Seg McMann’ like that. “I’m telling you that you are going to kiss my ass’s ass and you’re going to do it now!” he demands. For exclamation, Seg whacks the donkey on the rear where Gina is supposed to kiss. The donkey suddenly kicks out with its hind legs and nails Seg in the balls. “HOLY…HOLY CRAP!” a shocked Suave says. “I…er…ow!”

Suave: “You know, that clip is like fine wine. It just keeps getting better with time. McMann is outraged that Suave replayed the clip, so, of course, Suave plays it again… McMann: “STOP IT!”

Match continues…
With Starz already in the ring, Lashaway appears at the top of the entrance isle and raises the EECW title. He walks to the ring holding the title belt in the air and stares down Starz. When Lashaway enters the ring, the fans boo. Someone unfurls a sign that reads: “IF LASHAWAY WINS WE RIOT!” McMann calls the fan ignorant and again reiterates that he knows what sports entertainment fans want. Suave: “But WE know what wrestling fans want, Seg.” The announcer introduces the EECW Champion and Lashaway tosses his shirt to the crowd. The fans toss it right back! Lashaway goes back and forth with fans. He throws it in, they throw it back! Finally a fan catches it, goes to the bathroom, uses it as toilet paper, and then comes back and throws it at Lashaway. Suave: “Okay. I’ll admit, that’s just wrong.”

The bell rings and Starz and Lashaway lock up in the center of the ring. Lashaway hits a suplex and goes for a quick cover. The crowd chants to the EECW champ “you can’t wrestle!” Starz pops back up and stares down Lashaway. Lashaway drops Starz with a shoulder drop. Starz goes for a missile drop kick, misses, and lands flat on the canvas. Lashaway and Starz exchange blows. Back and forth, back and forth and back and forth. Finally Lashaway puts a side headlock on Starz and rests, the crowd chants “same old s**t!” Breaking the hold, Starz retreats to ringside. Lashaway catches him by surprise and launches himself off the top rope onto Starz! Again, the BCEW fans aren’t that impressed and chant “Overrated!” Starz hits a quick moonsault off the stairs onto Lashaway! Starz rushes for the EECW champ, but Lashaway sends him to the 3rd row! Lashaway follows up through the crowd and tosses Starz back over the railing to ringside. Lashaway climbs over and gets caught with a sidekick. Starz throws Lashaway into the ringpost and then sets him up in the ring with his head sticking out over the apron. Starz drills Lashaway with a wicked guillotine leg drop and sends him tumbling back to the floor. Starz sets up Lashaway against the ring steps and then skateboards a chair into him. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! I’ve never seen Starz like this before. Could the ‘Rookie Sensation’ be coming into his own?”

Both back in the ring, Starz sets up Lashaway in the middle of the ring and places a chair on top of him. He climbs the top turnbuckle and gets ready to jump. Suave: “This could do it! This could win the…wait a second. What’s Triple R doing out here?” Triple R comes out and distracts Starz, giving Lashaway a chance to catch his breath. Lashaway jumps up and crotches Starz in the corner. Starz topples over face first onto the canvas. Suave: “WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING? Starz had the momentum until Triple R came out!” Hallie Burton goes over to give Triple R a piece of her mind- he pushes her down and walks away. The Green World Order surround Hallie. Lashaway power slams Starz in the middle of the ring. Lashaway lines up Starz for the Arkansas slam when A. Tom Bomb hits the ring with a steel-folding chair and wallops the EECW champion with it. Triple R, incensed, then climbs into the ring and locks up with A-Bomb. Then, a huge muscle-bound, roided freak hits the ring. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! IT’S KANITSKY! THE OUT-OF-CONTROL, ROIDED UP, MONSTER!” The crowd chants “ROIDS!…ROIDS!…ROIDS!” Suave: “They haven’t had a chance to chant that for awhile.” Kanitsky delivers a big boot to Starz and sends him tumbling out of the ring. Starz lands in front of the GWO and they start giving him boots. Suave: “WAIT A MINUTE! WHY THE HELL ARE THE GREEN WORLD ORDER ATTACKING STARZ N. STRIPES?” Suave states it’s one thing to protest BCEW taking on EECW; it’s totally another to take the other side.

Kanitsky then big boots A-Bomb across the ring. Suave: “All right, what the hell is a man dressed in a mechanic’s uniform running to the ring dragging behind him a battery charger for?” He jumps into the ring followed by a well-endowed receptionist. Suave: “Wait! That’s the new guy- Mike the Mechanic along with his receptionist Sheila!” Mike grabs the jumper cables and zaps Kanitsky with them- sending mega-volts through his body. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Kanitsky drops like a rock. Seg McMann jumps in the ring and he gets zapped by Mike the Mechanic’s battery charger.

Starz N. Stripes somehow gets away from the GWO and crawls back into the ring. Amidst the chaos, he sees Lashaway lying on the mat. He stumbles over to him and covers. The referee counts “1.” Triple R grabs the jumper cables away from Mike the Mechanic and zaps the referee, knocking him out. Suave: “WHAT THE HELL?” Starz gets up and confronts Triple R. Triple R zaps him with the jumper cables. Suave: “THAT *BLEEPED OUT* ING JUDAS!”

Triple R taunts Starz and doesn’t see two people hobble into the ring behind him. Suave: “YES! IT’S JUSTIN SUFFERABLE AND ‘NO FRILLS’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO!” Triple R turns just in time to see Sufferable clock him in the head with his crutch, knocking the jumper cables out of his hand. The crowd chants ‘welcome back!…welcome back!” Lashaway gets up and tries to get to the cables before A-Bomb but Escondido hops over and grabs the jumpers before Lashaway can. He zaps Lashaway- he’s out. Both Starz and Lashaway are unconscious. The ref is too. Sufferable and Escondido celebrate in the ring. George W and Seg look at each other quizzically. The people in the ring look totally confused.

Suave: “THAT FREAKIN’ JUDAS, TRIPLE R, BETRAYS BCEW! WHO WON TONIGHT? WHO THE HELL KNOWS! IT’S ALL A FREAKIN’ MESS!”

The PCW Financial Cliff of Doom Looms: PCW on P-SPAN

Concerto for Trumpet, no. 2 by Johann Melchior Molter (1696-1765) plays as an introduction…

Stuffy Announcer Type: And now, it’s time for Political Championship Wrestling on P-SPAN. Tonight’s program comes to you live tonight from the Bender Arena on the campus of American University.

‘The Voice of PCW’ Johnny Suave recaps Monday night’s PCW Extreme Political TV.
-The American Heartland Coalition (Charlie Blackwell and Mike the Mechanic) take exception to ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit, Rece Davis, Jesse Palmer, and David Pollock ripping the selection of Northern Illinois to a BCS Bowl game

Huskies

…along with the city of DeKalb, Illinois- home of the aforementioned Huskies.

Corporate Might’s Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit (R) support the ESPN cabal and the two teams meet in the main event later in the show with the American Heartland Coalition coming out on top.

Match 1:

Corporate Might: Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit (R)
with

Herbstreit
Judge Smails from Caddyshack…oh…I mean…ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit
vs.


American Heartland Coalition: Charlie Blackwell and Mike the Mechanic w/Tequila Sheila

This time, it’s Corporate Might that comes out on top with some help from…


“SEC Guy” Tom Tebow- Tim Tebow’s Long Lost Black Sheep Brother No One Ever Knew Existed

…along with Herbstreit, Davis, Pollock, and Palmer.   Herbstreit gets on the mic after the match and repeats his mantra that…

“Some college football teams simply don’t belong.”

Kirk Walstreit then espouses the collective strength of large corporations…including ESPN- which used to be a 24 sports channel before it become a multi-national conglomerate.

A SPECIAL CHRISTMAS PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE

The music of Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop” suddenly starts to play.

The crowd explodes. A spotlight points out a plaid shirted man with a Singapore cane and a cup of mocha appears.

Suave: “IT’S HIM! HE’S HERE!  HE’S THE TREE HUGGIN’, MOCHA CHUGGIN’, TOBACCO COMPANY BUGGIN’ ALPHA MALE AND ENVIROMENTAL EXTREME HARDCORE ICON…


The Extreme Environmental Hardcore Icon Al Gore

The crowd sings the chorus “Don’t stop, thinking about tomorrow.” Gore holds up his mocha, inside an environmentally friendly biodegradable container of course, and chugs it down. Then he spews it out of his mouth into the crowd and then crushes the paper container on his forehead in a manly fashion.

The Environmental Extreme Hardcore Icon walks down the steps to the main floor. At the bottom of the steps, Gore pulls out another container of mocha, guzzles it down, spews it into the crowd, and then smashes the container on his forehead. Gore then wades through the main floor crowd to the ring.  He climbs up on the apron, pulls out yet another cup of mocha, guzzles that one down, spews it into the crowd, and then smashes the container on his forehead.

Gore criticizes PCW CEO Barack Obama (D-IL) for not doing enough on Global Warming.  That brings…

*flute and clarinet flourish*

Two men come out and unroll a white carpet to the ring steps. Dancers then dance. Ballet dancers…ballet? Little children walk up the white carpet and drop rose petals. Someone lets loose some pigeons…we’re still not sure just how they’ll get out of the building. The crowd stands and lets out a loud ovation as PCW CEO Barack Obama appears.

Obama tells Gore he’s got a lot on his plate right now with the looming PCW Financial Cliff staring him in the face.

Obama does report that the negotiations with the Republicans do seem to be inching ever so slowly forward.  The PCW CEO also  announces that he’s going to show a video that illustrates just how crucial it is that both sides come to an agreement and keep PCW from barreling over the Financial Cliff of Doom.

Match #2
Democrat GOTV: Bain and Paddy O’Kennedy (D) def. The Bookworms: Barnes and Noble

After the match, the GOTV herald a video of CEO Obama and a couple of lower card wrestlers talking about the PCW financial situation and why higher taxes would hurt them.

However, Heartland Champion William Daniels Bryan…


Bryan

…switched the video and a vignette came on explaining ‘How PCW can learn from the majority of  ordinary Americans somehow live within their means, don’t spend what they don’t have, and don’t have the ability to print money to help pay their debts.’

ANOTHER SPECIAL CHRISTMAS PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE

Johnny Suave: “If you’re traveling over the holidays, be extra careful.”

Classic PCW Match from March of 2009
[[NEWT TRON BOMB and INCENDIARY BOMB (McCain’s Marauders) vs.

DRUNKEN LUCHADORS- THE FLYIN’ MARTINI BROTHERS (Independent)
The Martinis imbibe in their usual pre-match ritual. Both guzzle down a bottle of Jack Daniels and then break the bottle over their heads. Nantz: “Hmm. You don’t see that very often.” The bell rings. I-Bomb and Don Martini to start. I-Bomb full out charges at Don. Don stumbles to the left and I-Bomb eats the corner turnbuckle. Don with a wild left hand that misses by two miles. I-Bomb goes for a Suplex. Don falls through and accidently knees I-Bomb in the groin. Don staggers up but his head nails I-Bomb in the groin again. Nantz: “My notes state that the Martinis are PCW Legends, two time PCW Tag Team champions. I can see why with the trouble they’re giving the Bomb Brothers.” I-Bomb unleashes a right hand that sends Don into the ropes. Don shoots back out and trips- his head again connects with I-Bomb’s groin. Nantz: “Apparently, we have breaking news right outside. Let’s check it out and we’ll come right back to this exciting match.”

OL’ MAN HANSON’S YARD
Billy Packer grumbles as he goes to his car. Ol’ Man Hanson comes up toting his trusty BB gun. Ol’ Man Hanson: “HEY! I thought I told you whippersnappers not to park in my garden.” Packer’s car is an inch into the garden. Packer: “It’s not in your garden. Look.” Packer bends over to point to where the garden starts. *BLAM!* Packer: “AAARRGHHHH! YOU SHOT ME IN THE ASS!” Hanson: “You’re going to get another one if you don’t get your ass out of here right away.” Whimpering, Packer gets into his car and makes haste away from Ol’ Man Hanson’s barn.

Back to the match
Nantz: “Oooh. Ow. It appears that guy shot Billy Packer in his posterior. That…um…well, folks, that can’t feel good. Back to the action now.” N-Bomb in and tries to lock up with Dan Martini. Dan belches in his face and breaks the hold. Dan staggers back to the ropes. N-Bomb tries to lariat him over the top but Dan collapses and it’s N-Bomb who goes over the top rope. I-Bomb goes over to check on him. N-Bomb gets up and…I-Bomb suddenly clutches his throat and falls unconscious. Nantz: “I believe N-Bomb just accidently tooted- which is actually his finisher the ‘Silent But Deadly.’ And…wow! They aren’t kidding either.” Dan Martini on the top rope. He attempts a splash on N-Bomb. He misses badly. N-Bomb back in the ring with a steel-folding chair. He swings wildly and whiffs on Don when the Martini falls down. Don quickly gets back up and his head bonks the chair right into N-Bomb’s face. N-Bomb down. Don passes out on top of the chair on top of N-Bomb. 1…2…3.

WINNER: THE DRUNKEN LUCHADORS- THE FLYIN’ MARTINI BROTHERS]]

Corporate Celebration
Corporate Might: Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit (R), the ESPN Cabal of Kirk Herbstreit, Rece Davis, David Pollock, and Jesse Palmer celebrate putting the interlopers and unwashed (ie…the Northern Illinois supporters) in their place earlier in the show.

They sip from their wine glasses with their pinky extended in the air in a most proper fashion…that is until they realize that something is extraordinarily wrong.

Once again, Heartland Champion William Daniels Bryan strikes and the corporate cabal finds themselves scrambling towards the men’s room.

Suave: “Well played, sir.  Well played.”

Suave then talks about the upcoming PCW End of the World II Show coming up on December 21st.  He then recaps the ongoing KRC- C. J. Lewis battle for the top spot in the Democratic Women’s group.

From Monday night:
KRC: “First off, you had your shot at the title last month, C.J.  You lost.  You were inexperienced.  You were not ready.  And now, it’s time for you to step back for me.  This is my spot.  This should be my opportunity.  I have seniority.  You need to stand down.”

Lewis: “I think you need to back off, lady.  I’ve worked hard for this chance.  The reason I lost is because Code Pink and Emily S List interfered in my match…”

Match #3- Main Event


4 Time Women’s Champion Kathryn Randall Collins (D)
vs.


C.J. Lewis (D)

KRC calls for some help and Code Pink and List give her a hand as she defeats Lewis and will now meet PCW Women’s Champion Jill Berg (R) at PCW End of the World.

Herbstreit: “Some teams just don’t belong!”: PCW Extreme Political TV-Conclusion

PCW Extreme Political TV- Conclusion
Dekalb, IL
Monday December 3rd, 2012
Host: Johnny Suave

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
(The opening notes of Whitney Houston’s version of ‘The Greatest Love of All’ starts to play)

“I believe the children are our are future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier…”

PCW Women’s champion Jill Berg (R) appears with two children flanking her.


PCW Women’s Champion Jill Berg (R)

JILL: Hi. I’m Jill Berg. I believe the children are our future. Communities statewide are recognizing that healthy childhood experiences are not just good for children, but good for their communities as well. It’s simple really. The actions we take, like parent-child interaction, reading and constructive play, can promote healthy child development.”

“Everybody searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone to fulfill my needs
A lonely place to be
So I learned to depend on me…”

The scene shifts to Jill sitting on a couch with children playing in front of her. She leans forward with her chin resting on her hand.

JILL: “Unfortunately, children are sometimes exposed to intensive stress. Too much stress is bad for anyone but it can be devastating to child development.”

Child: “BANZAI!”

Behind Jill, one boy leaps across the couch and tackles another boy.

JILL: “At a time when we all care about the economy and its effect on the family, it just makes sense to spend more time learning how stable, nurturing relationships influence a child’s developing brain and provide a foundation for all future development.”

Another boy stands on the arm of the couch, preparing to jump.

Child: “TO THE EXTREME!”

He leaps and lands a flying elbow.

JILL: “So, promote healthy child development. Take time out to play with your child-YOW!”

The camera slides back to show a young girl with a mischevious grin on her face and her foot on Jill’s expensive heels.

JILL: “Take the time to play with your child. And you and your child will be the better for it. I, Jill Berg, will do my part as well because I’m not just wrestling for me- I’m wrestling for the children!”

CHILDREN: “JILLLLL-BERG!….JILLLLLL-BERG!….JILLLLLL-BERG!”

HUMP

THUMP

THUMP-THUMP-THUMP

THUMP

THUMP

THUMP-THUMP-THUMP

The video screen goes to just outside a dressing room in the back. A police escort is waiting at the door. One of the policemen knocks on the door.

Policeman – Ms. Berg. It’s time.

The door opens and four large male bodybuilding types walk out of the dressing room surrounding a petite woman and her male assistant, Jerry.  The woman is busy talking on her cell phone while the man furiously scribbles down notes as the group makes their way towards the ring.

Suave – Here she comes!  The phenomenon known as…JILL-BERG!

THUMP

THUMP

THUMP-THUMP-THUMP

The procession emerges from the back and starts their way down the ramp. The male assistant has a microphone and a portable tape recorder. He flips it on.

“JILL-BERG…JILL-BERG…”

The group then continues towards the ring leaving the police escort behind.

THUMP

THUMP

THUMP-THUMP-THUMP

“JILL-BERG…JILL-BERG…”

The four bodyguards assist Ms. Berg into the ring. She and her assistant immediately go to a corner.

“JILL-BERG…JILL-BERG…”

Berg continues to talk on her cell phone.

“JILL-BERG…JILL-BERG…”

“JILL-BERG…JILL-BERG…”

Kimber Marshall in the ring.

Marshall – Weighing tonight at 95 pounds.  From the financial district of New York City…she is the PCW Women’s champion- JILL-BERG!

“JILL-BERG…JILL-BERG…”

“JILL-BERG…JILL-BERG…”

Marshall – And her opponent…


C.J. Lewis (D)

Suave: “It’s a rematch of the PCW Women’s title match from Extreme Election Night 2012.  Women’s Champion Jill Berg vs. former Hooter’s waitress C.J.-”


4 Time Women’s Champion Kathryn Randall Collins (D)

KRC hits the ring to to interrupt.

KRC: “First off, you had your shot at the title last month, C.J.  You lost.  You were inexperienced.  You were not ready.  And now, it’s time for you to step back for me.  This is my spot.  This should be my opportunity.  I have seniority.  You need to stand down.”

Lewis: “I think you need to back off, lady.  I’ve worked hard for this chance.  The reason I lost is because Code Pink and Emily S List interfered in my match.  Just like you are-”

Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) runs out and tries to mediate the situation.   She tells both KRC and Lewis that this is all the Republican‘s fault.  Pelosi blames the Republican’s ‘War on Women’ for the discord and lack of cooperation between the two ladies.  Then Jill Berg whips around and hits a snapping heel kick on Lewis.  The former waitress drops to the mat.  Pelosi heads for the hills and when Berg turns towards KRC- KRC decides to exit stage right.

Berg covers…1…2…3.

WINNER AND STILL PCW CHAMPION: ‘The Phenomenon That Is”  Jill Berg (R)

Suave: “So, in just over two weeks, PCW will hold our ‘End of the World II’ supershow.  PCW Champion Triple R (D), Tag Team Champions Big Union (D), and Women’s Champion Jill Berg (R) will all put their titles on the line.  Who will they be facing?  We’ll find out over the next couple of weeks.  PCW ‘End of the World II’ Friday December 21st.


“SEC Guy” Tom Tebow- Tim Tebow’s Long Lost Black Sheep Brother No One Ever Knew Existed w/Coach Ray Ryan

Tebow comes back out.

Suave: “Now what.  Haven’t we run this whole college football thing into the-”

Tebow interrupts Suave and says he has a list of the BCS Bowl Games as they should have been.  Suave says okay and Tebow reads off the list:

SEC Guy Tom Tebow’s BCS Bowl Games If He Had His Way
Championship Game: Alabama vs. Florida

Sugar Bowl: Georgia vs. LSU

Orange Bowl: South Carolina vs. Texas A & M

Fiesta Bowl: Vanderbilt vs. Mississippi State

Rose Bowl: Wisconsin vs. Stanford (and only because those stick in the muds only want a Big 10 vs. Pac 12 game)

Suave: “Interesting.  Myopic, but interesting.”

Tebow: “It’s sure as hell better than that Northern Illinois team making the Orange Bowl.  What’s their best win this year?  Over the South Harmon Institute  of Technology?”

*SMUSH*  An orange smashes into Tebow’s face.  He’s not amused.  *SMUSH* Another orange plasters his face.

Tebow: “What the **** is going on-”  *SMUSH*

Northern Illinois quarterback Jordan Lynch pops out and fires oranges in rapid fire action at Tebow- who takes a couple more direct hits and then makes a run for it.

Herbstreit
Judge Smails…er…Kirk Herbstreit

Herbstreit appears via video screen off site at a country club.

Herbstreit: “All right.  Enough.  The whole lot of you are classless for not understanding a simple fact- some teams just don’t belong.  You know, despite what happened, despite that awful sign that appeared at the local gas station in DeKalb…”

Suave: “What sign?”

Huskies

Suave: “Oh yeah.  That sign.”

Herbstreit: “I’m still convinced that many of you here in DeKalb, Illinois have fine qualities. I think you all can still become a gentleman with higher evolved tastes in college football someday if you simply understand and abide by the rules of decent society.  There’s a lot of…well, badness in the world today.  Football teams on probation.  Coaches getting fired.  And a Mid-American Conference football team in the sanctum, the grotto of elite college football teams- a BCS bowl.”

Herbstreit asks ‘isn’t it enough that we give the MAC 15 minutes of our precious air time on ESPN?’

Bushwood

Herbstreit: “Exactly.  Why can’t you just accept your 15 minutes and then move along?”

The crowd boos and begins to pelt the video screen with oranges.

Herbstreit: “Now, see?  This is exactly what I’m talking about.  This is not about you or Northern Illinois.  This is about good football and bad football.  The most important decision you can make right now is what you stand for- goodness…or bad-…oh, now what?”

A commotion breaks out behind Herbstreit.  He turns and sees a group of Northern Illinois students storming the swimming pool.

Herbstreit: “HEY!  GET AWAY FROM THE POOL!  HEY! YOU GET AWAY FROM THERE!  HEY!”

The students start diving into the pool.  Then…

Dan Patrick
Sports Talk Radio Host Dan Patrick

…appears behind Walstreit.

Patrick: “DON’T PICK ON THE MAC, HERBIE!”

*WHACK*

Big Bertha
Calloway Driver

Patrick: “BANG BISCUIT!”

PCW Rankings

PCW WORLD CHAMPION:  Triple R (D)
#1 SINGLES CONTENDER: P.M.C. Banks (R)
-It looks like Banks will get a rematch for the PCW Title at the End of the World II show as Republicans and Democrats are locked in a mortal battle right now over a plan to keep PCW from falling off the financial cliff.

PCW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS:  Big Union: ‘The Self Described Savior of the Middle Class’ Big Labor and James the Jeep Worker (D)
#1 TAG TEAM CONTENDER: TBD
-Who will be the next tag team to step up?  Corporate Might (R)?  Charlie Blackwell and Mike the Mechanic?  Someone else?

PCW WOMEN’S CHAMPION: Jill Berg (R)
#1 WOMEN’S TITLE CONTENDER: C.J. Lewis (D)
-Berg and Lewis seem to be on a collision path again for End of the World II.  But Kathryn Randall Collins (D) seems bent on taking Lewis’s place.

HEARTLAND CHAMPION: William Daniels Bryan
#1 CONTENDER: TBD
-With Dawn McGill fading back into the background for the moment, who will be the next one to challenge for the Heartland title?

MAIN EVENT:


Corporate Might: Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit (R)
with Big Bowl Bob
vs.


American Heartland Coalition: Charlie Blackwell and Mike the Mechanic w/Tequila Sheila

Blackwell and Mike the Mechanic, both wearing Northern Illinois football jerseys, run down and attack Corporate Might immediately.   But the team struggle to take them down and Big Oil takes control.  Big Oil low blows Blackwell.  Walstreit brawls with Mike.  Mike takes a huge burrito from someone in the crowd and smashes it into Walstreit’s face.

Blackwell is handed a cheese grater and opens up Big Oil’s forehead with a scrape across it.

Big Oil gets pissed and nails Blackwell with a facebuster through a set-up chair. Mike head butts his way out of Walstreit’s corner attack and stumbles into a huge powerslam from Big Oil.   Big Oil goes for the Oklahoma Driller but Tequila Sheila throws a margarita into his eyes.  Mike the Mechanic grabs a set of jumper cables and turns on a portable generator…**ZAP**  Big Oil’s out.  Blackwell hits Walstreit with a steel chair to win.

WINNER: Charlie Blackwell and Mike the Mechanic

Suave: “HUGE UPSET FOR BLACKWELL AND MIKE THE MECHANIC!  PCW’S END OF THE WORLD II SHOW IN TWO WEEKS.  WE’LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.”

Haplessly Hurtling Towards the Financial Cliffs of Extreme Doom: PCW Extreme Political TV- Part 2

PCW Extreme Political TV- Part 2
Dekalb, IL
Monday December 3rd, 2012
Host: Johnny Suave

Suave: “And we’re back.  We’ve set tonight’s main event as Corporate Might: Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit (R)- rabid supporters of keeping the likes of Northern Illinois out of BCS games, will take on the American Heartland Coalition’s Charlie Blackwell and Mike the Mechanic.  Let’s go to the ring for our first match.

Match #1

Stone Chism
“The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism
(D) w/the Skanky Rich Bimbos (Kim and Courtney)
vs.
American Taxpayer
Mitch Thomas- The American Taxpayer

Chism actually tries to take it easy on the American Taxpayer to try and get him on his side.  The problem comes when…


P.M.C. Banks (R)

…comes out with Grover Norquist (R).  Chism and Banks argue in the ring about who’s responsible for the impending plunge over the PCW Financial Cliff of Doom- PCW CEO Barack Obama (D-IL) or the Republicans.  That allows Thomas to jumps on Chism’s back.  He flips around and tries for a body scissors.

Then the Skanky Rich Bimbos bust into action…literally.  Kim and Courtney whip off their shirts…

Suave: WARDROBE MALFUNCTION!…WARDROBE MALFUNCTION!…God, I love it when they do that…”

Thomas is distracted.  Chism reverses and hits the Hollywood Blockbuster for the win.

WINNER: ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (D)

After the match, a frustrated Mitch Thomas- The American Taxpayer takes the microphone to vent.

Thomas: “Here we are.  Less than a month before PCW goes flying off the financial cliff.  And where are we?  No closer today than yesterday…than two weeks ago…hell…two MONTHS ago, of fixing the problem.”

Chism pipes up that it’s the Republicans fault for not giving in on higher taxes.

Banks shoots back that it’s the Democrats who won’t cut spending.

Chism and Banks then bicker back and forth, blaming the other for the impasse.  Finally…

Thomas: “ENOUGH!  JUST…FIX…THE…PROBLEM!”  Thomas throws the mic down and leaves the ring while Chism and Banks continue to bicker back and forth.

Suave: “And so it goes…”

Suave then announces that Prince William and Princess Kate are expecting a child.   To commemorate the occasion:

Kate’s sister Pippa Middleton dances for the PCW crowd…again.

And there was great rejoicing.

Corporate Might Promo
Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit (R) stand inside a wave pool at a local amusement park.  The water is eerily calm inside the pool.  Big Oil says that when they first step into the ring with Charlie Blackwell and Mike the Mechanic later on tonight- it may seem just like the water.

Walstreit signals to a worker who turns the wave machine on.  Gradually, the waves begin to form and grow larger and larger.  Big Oil looks at the camera and tells Blackwell and Mike that Northern Illinois is going to find out at the Orange Bowl that they’re not big enough to handle wave after wave crashing down on them- just like they’re going to experience later on tonight.

Big Oil: “The strong survive and prosper.  The weak get swept away…”

Walstreit lets out a yelp as the wave pummels him and then begins to pull him towards the deep end of the pool.  Big Oil grabs him just in time.

Big Oil: “…that is, if they don’t have friends in high places.”

BACK ROOM
PCW Executive Committee Chair Harry Reid (D-NV) and PCW Competition Committee Chair John Boehner (R-OH) argue back and forth about cutting spending vs. raising taxes.

Mitch Thomas- The American Taxpayer walks in.  He looks at Reid and Boehner with distain.

Thomas: “I have a great idea.  How about NONE of you get paid until you actually figure out a solution to the PCW financial situation.   Not you (Reid).  Not you (Boehner).  Not PCW CEO Barack Obama.  None of you.”

Thomas shakes his head and walks off.  Reid and Boehner both look at each other.

Boehner: “That’s a terrible idea.”

Reid: “Agreed.”

Suave: “Hey!  They agree on something!”

PCW’S No Polls.  No computers.  No bias.  No BCS BS.
College Football Top 30
*

1 Notre Dame Indpdnt (12-0) 7.71
2 Oregon Pac 12 (11-1) 7.42
3 Alabama SEC (12-1) 7.38
4 Florida SEC (11-1) 7.17
5 Ohio State Big 10 (12-0) 6.92
6 LSU SEC (10-2) 6.30
7 Texas A&M SEC (10-2) 6.29
8 South Carolina SEC (10-2) 6.13
9 Kansas State Big 12 (11-1) 6.08
10 Stanford Pac 12 (11-2) 6.04
11 Georgia SEC (11-2) 5.65
12 Oklahoma Big 12 (10-2) 5.58
13 Florida State ACC (11-2) 5.30
14 Clemson ACC (10-2) 5.29
15 Northern Illinois MAC (12-1) 4.62
16 Utah State WAC (10-2) 4.48
17 San Jose State WAC (10-2) 4.47
18 Nebraska Big 10 (10-3) 4.46
19 Boise State Mtn West (10-2) 4.04
20 Michigan Big 10 (8-4) 3.96
21 Arkansas State Sun Belt (9-3) 3.88
22 Kent State MAC (11-2) 3.81
23 Fresno State Mtn West (9-3) 3.75
24 Ball State MAC (9-3) 3.71
25 Oregon State Pac 12 (9-3) 3.67
26 Penn State Big 10 (8-4) 3.63
27 Louisville Big East (10-2) 3.48
28 Toledo MAC (9-3) 3.47
29 Cincinnati Big East (9-3) 3.46
30 UCLA Pac 12 (9-4) 3.38


“SEC Guy” Tom Tebow- Tim Tebow’s Long Lost Black Sheep Brother No One Ever Knew Existed

Tebow: “All right, all right.  Joke’s over.  Seriously, EIGHT mid major teams in the top 30?  That’s about eight teams too many.”

Tebow goes on to say that usually he hates Kirk Herbstreit but on the issue of Northern Illinois going to the BCS he’s forced to agree with him.

Tebow: “Despite the heroic effort of Oklahoma coach Bob Stoops, Baylor coach Art Briles, West Virginia coach Dana Holgorsen, and Iowa State coach Paul Rhoads to properly elevate the Sooners’ ranking to make sure the BCS didn’t make a huge mistake in letting an unqualified team into a big money bowl game like Northern Illinois, they got in anyways.  It’s a dark, dark day for college football and…

Suddenly, the lights went out and a photo appeared…

Huskies

Tebow: “HEY!  TAKE THAT DOWN!”

PROMO
Suave: “In May of 2011, they said the world was coming to an end.  What did PCW do?

Replay: PCW 5/21/11 End of the World Show
-
The Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger gets chokeslammed by the Extreme Equalizer Whiskey Tango Foxtrot after admitting having an affair and fathering a child while married to Maria Shriver.
-Kirk Walstreit accidently nailing Donald Trump while attempting the Stock Market Plunge
-Tim Pawlenty, Michele Bachmann, Jon Huntsman, and Sarah Palin carry Trump out of the building and toss him into the…


-Paul Ryan (R-WI) and Mitch Daniels (R-IN) announce they’re not running for PCW CEO
-’The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (D) retains the PCW TV Title over Charlie Blackwell

Suave: “December 21- PCW End of the World II.  I mean, we’re hurdling towards financial oblivion.  We might as well enjoy it while we can.”

End of Part 2

Kirk Herbstreit and ESPN vs. Northern Illinois: PCW Extreme Political TV- Part 1

PCW Extreme Political TV
Dekalb, IL
Monday December 3rd, 2012
Host: Johnny Suave

Suave: “What a coincidence.  Just hours after Northern Illinois shocked the world by snaring a berth in the BCS, PCW is here in Dekalb, Illinois for PCW Extreme Political TV!”

Crowd: “**** YOU, HERBIE! (clap, clap clap-clap-clap) **** YOU HERBIE! (clap, clap clap-clap-clap)


Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit (R)


Big Bowl Bob

Walstreit tells the crowd he’s not going to tolerate them abusing a person as great as ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit.

Suave: “That’s because he’s got a freakin’ man crush on him.  Seriously, though.  Kudos to Northern Illinois quarterback Jordan Lynch for acting like an adult compared to the spoiled children on the set crying about the Huskies going to the Orange Bowl.”

Big Bowl Bob interrupts and asks ‘how dare Northern Illinois crash the BCS party. ‘  He adds that a team in Norman, Oklahoma that’s been deprived of their birthright, their BCS experience, because of the midwestern interlopers who don’t know their place- the Poulin Weed Eater Bowl.  Big Bowl Bob says that the Oklahoma Sooners, an elite college football team, has been robbed and Northern Illinois ought to be ashamed of themselves.

Suave: “Well, no.  By the way, here’s what everyone missed following last night’s ESPN hate fest…”

Last Night After the ESPN BCS Selection Show:
[[After the cameras turn off, ESPN anchor Rece Davis and analysts David Pollock and Jesse Palmer continue to bitch about Northern Illinois in the BCS.

*Def Leppard's 'Rock, Rock Til You Drop begins to play*

Hold onto your hat, hold onto your heart
Ready, get set to tear this place apart
Don't need a ticket, only place in town
That'll take you up to heaven and never bring you down
Anything goes! Anything goes!

Davis: "What the hell?"


'The Extreme Equalizer' Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

The Extreme Equalizer Whiskey Tango Foxtrot appears.

Women to the left, Women to the right
There to entertain and take you thru the night
So grab a little heat and come along with me
'Cause your mama don't mind what your mama don't see
Anything goes! Anything goes!

WTF grabs Davis...lift...chokeslam through the ESPN broadcast table.

Rock! Rock! till you drop
Rock! Rock! never stop
Rock! Rock! till you drop
I say Rock! Rock! to the top

Pollock goes after WTF.  WTF grabs him by the throat...lifts him up...and choke slams him to the floor.

Crowd - PCW!...PCW!...PCW!

Palmer runs for it but WTF chases him down.  Palmer whipped into the wall.  Lift.  Chokeslam on the floor.

Crowd - PCW!...PCW!...PCW!]]

Walstreit is incensed.  He becomes even more upset when…


Charlie Blackwell

…Charlie Blackwell of the American Heartland Coalition walks out.  Blackwell compares the BCS system to politics.

Blackwell: “The AQ conferences are a lot like the Republicans and Democrats and their special interest groups.  The non-AQ conferences are ordinary Americans.”


Mike the Mechanic w/Tequila Sheila

Then Mike the Mechanic joins Blackwell accompanied by Tequila Sheila.  Mike is wearing a Northern Illinois football jersey to the cheers of the crowd.

Big Oil and Walstreit then challenge Blackwell and Mike to put their money where their mouth is and take on Corporate Might in a match.

Walstreit: “My guess is…the match will go down like the Florida State- Northern Illinois football game- the elite team will dominate and the weaker team will wilt under the pressure.

Blackwell tells Walstreit they’re on and tonight’s main event is set.  Corporate Might: Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit vs. the American Heartland Coalition: Charlie Blackwell and Mike the Mechanic.


PCW Update w/Gina Ramsey

Gina: “Gina Ramsey here with a PCW Update.  Last week on Extreme Political TV, this took place:

-PCW CEO Barack Obama (D-IL), PCW Executive Committee Chair Harry Reid (D-NV), PCW Competition Committee Chair John Boehner (R-OH), Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), and Mitch McConnell (R-KY) discuss how they’re going to talk PCW off the financial cliff.  But so far, the talks haven’t resulted in an agreement and the country continues to hurdle forward towards the cliff.

-Heartland Champion William Daniels Bryan tells both parties to ‘cut the crap and get it done.’

-Charlie Blackwell and Mike the Mechanic w/Tequila Sheila defeats Tom Tebow- Tim Tebow’s Long Lost Black Sheep Brother No One Ever Knew Existed and Raving Redneck Gary Locke after Blackwell sticks up for Kent State in a promo.

-PCW Investigative Reporter Woodward Bernstein talks with ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido and ‘Not Just Intolerable…Not Just Unbearable…He Is…Justin Sufferable.  Escondido and Sufferable both blame corporate ‘blanding’ for PCW’s woes and that fun time is over.

Escondido: “People should be angry.  The PCW political wrestlers in the mid-card and the lower card should be pissed.  And it’s time someone stepped up and took on their cause.”

-Corporate Might: Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit (R) w/Big Bowl Bob are upset by
Average Joe and Mitch Thomas- American Taxpayer with the help of Kent State Head Football Coach Darrell Hazell and Northern Illinois Quarterback Jordan Lynch.

-MAIN EVENT: Jersey Boyz: Vinnie and Frankie (R) w/Chris Christie (R-NJ) defeats Weapons of Mass Destruction: A. Tom Bomb and Hy Drogen Bomb (R) w/Daisy Cutter-Bomb and General R.C. Patton

End of PCW Extreme Political TV – part 1

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