1/15/08- PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV- LIVE AT MICHIGAN MADNESS
From the Mid-Michigan Roller Arena, Lansing, MI. Johnny Suave announcing.
Johnny Suave: Welcome to PCW Extreme Political TV, live from Michigan Madness at the Mid-Michigan Roller Arena in Lansing, Michigan. It’s the third stop of PCW’s Roadshow Across American tour and a lot has gone down in the past two weeks. Let’s go back to one week ago. Mayhem at Manchester, New Hampshire. With the help of Hillary Clinton and her Political Pitbulls, Kathryn Randall Collins (KRC) won the PCW Women’s title over “Media Empress” Opal Winfree, seconded by Barack Obama. Clinton laid the groundwork for KRC’s win by paying mad hypnotist Dr. Erich Von Rickshaw to take out PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin and making it a one on one match. Let’s go to the end…”
REPLAY- END OF KATHRYN RANDALL COLLINS- OPAL WINFREE MATCH FROM MAYHEM AT MANCHESTER
Hillary signals to the back and out came the Clinton Political Pitbulls- James Carville, Terry McAuliffe, and Sidney Blumenthal. Carville threw two chairs into the ring and power bombs Soccer Mom through them. McAuliffe put a table in the corner and Blumenthal belly-to-belly suplexes New Age Sensitive Guy through it. Barack gets on the ring apron. Blumenthal occupies him while KRC threw powder in Opal’s eyes. The ref takes a bump when Opal accidentally squashes him in the corner. Hillary slips Collins something. KRC turns and hits Opal with a chain. KRC covers. No referee. Hillary goes to the back to find someone. Next, KRC pulls out a metal object and belts Opal with it. She’s out. No referee. Carville and McAuliffe have Opal’s Flock under control. Barack can’t get by Blumenthal. Hillary drags another referee out. KRC covers. One. Two. Three. And we have a new PCW Women’s champion.
Barack Obama comes out with Winfree and her flock, Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy. The crowd chants “Oh-baum-ma…Oh-baum-ma…”
Suave: Obama comes out with the former women’s champion. I wonder what he has to say?
Obama motions the crowd to quiet down.
Barack Obama: Well? What can we say. We were out-foxed by an experienced opponent and we came up short. Opal Winfree has nothing to be ashamed of. And will we learn from what happened at Mayhem at Manchester? Yes, we will. Will we not be surprised when Hillary Clinton stoops so low to hire a mad doctor to hypnotize one of KRC’s opponents to keep her from wrestling? Yes, we will. Will we fight fire with fire from this point forward? Yes, we will.
Suave: They’re going to hire their own mad doctor and hypnotize KRC?
Opal leans over and whispers something to Barack.
Barack: No. That doesn’t mean we’re going to hire our own mad doctor. What I really mean is that we will not back down from Hillary and her Political Pitbulls……without resorting to the whole mad doctor hypnosis thing.
Suave: Well, I’m glad he cleared that all up.
Barack: We will take our campaign of hope to PCW Weapons of Mass Political Destruction, in just one week. KRC vs. Opal Winfree. Womano y womano for the PCW Women’s title. Hillary, bring everything you’ve got because when the match is over and the referee raises the hand of the winner- will Opal Winfree be the PCW Women’s champion again? Yes, she will!
Suave: Barack Obama lays down the gauntlet for next week’s match at PCW Weapons of Mass Political Destruction. We will announce the full card at the end of Michigan Madness tonight. But first, let’s go to the ring where the new PCW Women’s champion, Kathryn Randall Collins is about to make her first title defense. The big question is- against who? We know it’s not going to be Opal Winfree- they’re set to meet next week at PCW Weapons of Mass Political Destruction. No one knows if John Edwards and his wrestler, PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin is even here.
MATCH #1- PCW WOMEN’S CHAMPION KATHRYN RANDALL COLLINS aka KRC (Progressive Alliance) w/Hillary Clinton and the Clinton Political Pitbulls vs. ?????????????
KRC holds her PCW Women’s title belt high in the air. Hillary walks around the ring with the Political Pitbulls (James Carville and Terry McAuliffe- Sidney Blumenthal is not here tonight). Hillary takes the mic and derides Opal and Barack. Hillary: “They don’t want to fight us tonight. So the question is…who? Who has the intestinal fortitude to come out here and take on the PCW Women’s champion?” No one comes out. Hillary: “Come on. Who’s going to come out here and take us on-” The crowd buzzes when someone starts walking up the aisle. Suave: “Who is that? Wait! DENNIS KUCINICH? What the-” KRC laughs at the diminutive Kucinich and has a full foot height advantage over him. KRC and HRC nod. Hillary: “Okay. You’re on.”
KRC kicks Kucinich in the balls. He doubles over. She hits an evenflow DDT. Then she sets him up for the PPD-Personal Political Destruction. KRC hits the twisting Suplex type maneuver. She covers. Match over.
Suave: Okay. That was kinda impressive. Kinda…I said…we are talking about Dennis freakin’ Kucinich here.
THE RETURN OF THE ‘TEXAS HAMMER’ TOM DeLAY
DeLay returns to PCW for the first time in months to a chorus of boos from the crowd. He climbs in the ring and takes the microphone.
Tom DeLay: Thanks for that warm reception. I’m here to put you all straight about the so-called ‘Straight Shooter’ John McCain. He’s not really a true member of the American Patriots. No true member of the American Patriots would ever sell us out by working with the Progressive Alliance in the name of co-operation and compromise. McCain is not a true believer or else he would walk in lockstep with PCW CEO George W. and his aide de camp, Dick, on every major issue facing PCW. McCain can’t be trusted because he’s an independent thinker, a maverick, and God knows there’s no room for that inside the American Patriots. And now he wants to be the next PCW CEO? Let me tell y’all this. It won’t happen. McCain’s bucked too many of the people who really matter in the American Patriots- the elitists, the money people. I will fight to make sure that-
*Def Leppard’s “Rock, Rock til You Drop” blares over the loudspeakers”*
Startled at the sudden appearance of the song, DeLay looks anxiously towards the back.
Suave: OH YEAH! THE CROWD STANDS IN ANTICIPATION OF THE ENTRANCE OF THE EXTREME EQUALIZER….WHISKEY…….TANGO……FOXTROT!
Crowd chants: WHAT THE @#$#! WHAT THE @#$#!
Suave: And here he comes!
DeLay’s eyes widen as Whiskey Tango Foxtrot runs down to the ring.
Crowd chants: WHAT THE @#$#! WHAT THE @#$#!
DeLay slowly backs up. WTF jumps in the ring and points at him. DeLay suddenly tries to duck under the ropes but WTF grabs him by his suit coat and yanks him back in. He takes the mic from the Texas Hammer.
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot: Senator McCain. Can I have three tables set up please?The crowd explodes.
Suave: THREE TABLES! HOLY CRAP!
DeLay appears very worried now. He tries to beg off but WTF has a firm grip on him. John McCain and comes down and sets up three tables outside the ring.
WTF: John, can you stack them up on top of each other?The crowd thunders its approval. DeLay’s head whips from side to side, looking for help as McCain places the tables on top of each other.
WTF: Thanks.
WTF grabs DeLay by the throat the chokeslams him to the canvas.
Suave: HOLY CRAP!
Crowd: PCW…PCW!
Then WTF lifts DeLay up and climbs the corner turnbuckle. The crowd noise increases when WTF reaches the top and puts DeLay in the power bomb position. Then he launches himself and blasts DeLay through all three tables.
Suave: HOLY, HOLY, HOLY FREAKIN’ CRAP!
Crowd: BCEW…BCEW…BCEW!
Tessa Martin walks to the ring.
Suave: Okay? That’s PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin. She’s here?
Tessa climbs into the ring as the crew stretcher Tom DeLay out. Tessa takes the microphone.
Tessa Martin: All right. I’ve had it. This is what happened to me last week at Mayhem at Manchester when I was supposed to wrestle KRC and Opal Winfree for the PCW Women’s title.
REPLAY OF BEGINNING OF KRC vs. OPAL WINFREE vs. TESSA MARTIN MATCH AT MAYHEM AT MANCHESTER
John Edwards is in the ring. Tessa Martin, strangely enough, is not. To the back where Clinton Political Pitbull Terry McAuliffe, Dr. Erich Von Rickshaw, and a seemingly hypnotized Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin are. McAuliffe pays the doctor for his services and Dr. Von Rickshaw leads Tessa away.
Tessa: That’s the last time that’s ever going to happen again. We’re going to settle this tonight. Von Rickshaw? Get your ass out here now!
The crowd cheers.
Suave: Tessa Martin is calling out Dr. Erich Von Rickshaw!
Dr. Von Rickshaw appears and slowly makes his way down to the ring.
Tessa: That’s right! I want you right now in the ring! We’re going to settle this once and for all. You and me. One on one.
Suave: A match?
Tessa: If you win…I’m yours. But if I win, you’ll never, ever, come within ten miles of me. Deal?
Dr. Von Rickshaw mulls the offer. Then he nods.
Tessa: Let’s do it…
MATCH #2- PCW EXTREME PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL TESSA MARTIN (Independent) VS. DR. ERICH VON RICKSHAW (Mad Doctor)
Dr. Von Rickshaw starts waving his hands in front of Tessa. Tessa puts on a pair of sunglasses. Dr. Von Rickshaw smiles. He knows he’s in trouble. Tessa pulls out a pizza bag (to carry hot pizzas in) from her corner and puts it over Dr. Von Rickshaw’s head. Then she starts flailing away at him, knocking him to the canvas. The doctor manages to get the pizza bag off him and pulls off Tessa’s glasses. Suave: “OH, OH!” Dr. Von Rickshaw looks deep into her eyes and waves his hands. Tessa stops. Suave: “This could be it! It looks like he’s got her entranced!” He motions her back and Tessa takes a step away from him. Dr. Von Rickshaw evilly smiles…and then…
Suave: “HERE COMES CHUCK NORRIS!” The crowd again explodes when Norris races to the ring. Dr. Von Rickshaw seems taken aback at the sudden appearance of the action film hero and Mike Huckabee supporter. He waves his hands in front of Norris…nothing. He does it again…nothing. Von Rickshaw tries again……absolutely nothing. Von Rickshaw: “WHY WON’T YOU DO WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO?” Suave yells from his broadcast position: “BECAUSE HE’S CHUCK FREAKIN’ NORRIS, THAT’S WHY!” Von Rickshaw: “Oh.” Spinning heel kick. *WHAP* Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Dr. Von Rickshaw down and out. Tessa snaps out of it, covers, and wins the match.
Suave: Tessa Martin defeats Dr. Erich Von Rickshaw and that means he cannot come within 10 miles of her ever again. And thank God. All right, let’s run down the card for next week’s exciting PCW pay per view- PCW Weapons of Mass Political Destruction:
-Peta from PETA of the Green World Order (Progressive Alliance) vs. Daisy Cutter-Bomb of Ron Paul’s New Libertarian Army (American Patriots)
-A huge grudge match between bitter rivals: MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann (Progressive Alliance) vs. Fox News’s No Spin Culture Warrior Bill O’Reilly in an extreme death match
-Big Oil w/ Texas Tex and Mitt Romney (American Patriots) vs. Mike the Mechanic w/Sheila the secretary and Mike Huckabee. Both men try to settle an old score once and for all.
-Triple R w/Arianna Huffington (Progressive Alliance) vs. ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido (Independent)
-PCW Tag Team Champions Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don Martini (Independent) defend their title against the Green World Order- Extreme Vegan Brock Cole Lee and GreenPete w/PeaceNick and Peta from PETA.
-PCW Women’s Champion Kathryn Randall Collins w/Hillary Clinton and the Clinton Political Pitbulls, James Carville and Terry McAuliffe (Progressive Alliance) vs. former champion “Media Empress” Opal Winfree w/Opal’s Flock- Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy, and Barack Obama.
-Finally, the big one. PCW World Champion “Not just intolerable. Not just unbearable. He is…” Justin Sufferable (Progressive Alliance) defends against the former ‘Rookie Sensation’ Starz N. Stripes w/ ‘Straight Shootin’ John McCain
Suave: The Black Swamp Pirates will also be here to sing a couple songs. Next week, PCW Weapons of Mass Political Destruction.
GEORGE W’S OFFICE
BCEW CEO George W looks up as a bandaged up Texas Hammer Tom DeLay stomps in.
George W: Tom. What’s wrong?
Tom DeLay: WHAT’S WRONG? SOME OVERSIZED MANIAC JUST PUT ME THROUGH THREE TABLES! THAT’S WHAT! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?
George W: Now, Tom. Just calm down.
DeLay: CALM DOWN! I WENT OUT THERE TO EXPOSE JOHN McCAIN FOR WHAT HE IS AND THEN THIS-
*Def Leppard’s ‘Rock, Rock ‘til You Drop’ blares*
DeLay: Oh, no.
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot runs into George W’s office, lifts Tom DeLay up by the throat, and then slams him through W’s desk, shattering it in two.
Suave: HOLY CRAP!
WTF glances at George W, shakes his hand, and then leaves.
Suave: Okay…we’re ready for tonight’s main event. This is what took place last week at Mayhem at Manchester…
REPLAY OF STARZ N. STRIPES vs. BIG OIL vs. MIKE THE MECHANIC FROM MAYHEM AT MANCHESTER
Starz and Mike the Mechanic double team Big Oil in the ring. Suddenly, Mike the Mechanic displays some massive martial arts moves and leaves Big Oil stunned. Mike winds up for a spinning heel kick. Texas Tex climbs on the apron and starts screaming at the referee. The referee stops the match and goes over to Tex. Tex whispers something in his ear. Suddenly, the referee waves his hand and disqualifies Mike the Mechanic. The crowd boos. Texas Tex gets on the microphone and tells Chuck Norris that ‘interference meant interference of any sort.’ Tex rationales that Norris taught Mike some nifty karate moves and that’s enough to have him DQ’d. There’s a huge shouting match in Big Oil’s corner between Texas Tex, the referee, and Mike Huckabee, who tries to hold Chuck Norris back……
……Big Oil comes over and pushes McCain off the apron into the barricade. Romney then turns on McCain bringing Joe Lieberman out. Lieberman wraps a camera cord around Romney’s neck and pulls him off McCain. Someone from the first row hands him a ‘McCain 2008’ placard. Lieberman takes it and whaps Romney in the back. McCain grabs a frying pan from someone and rings Romney’s bell with it. Then Joe goes to the ring. Big Oil looks dismissively at him. Lieberman stomps his foot three times and then surprises the big guy with the ‘Joe-stopper’ superkick. Big Oil down.. Starz crawls over and gets the three count and the win.
Suave: Can Big Oil turn it around tonight? Will Starz cruise to another victory? Can Mike the Mechanic put what happened last week behind him? Let’s see…
MATCH #3- BIG OIL w/Texas Tex and Mitt Romney vs. STARZ N. STRIPES w/ John McCain vs. MIKE THE MECHANIC w/Mike Huckabee and Chuck Norris in an American Patriot Three-Way Dance
No pre-match rant from Texas Tex tonight. Tex and Romney look all business. The bell rings and all three men meet in the middle and start brawling. Big Oil’s intensity level is up. He’s wrestling with a sense of urgency. Big Oil throws Mike the Mechanic through the ring ropes and faces off with Starz. The former Rookie Sensation pulls off a drop toe hold and starts working on Big Oil’s leg again. Outside, Mitt Romney stomps away at Mike the Mechanic which causes Chuck Norris to come over. However, Texas Tex grabs a microphone and tells Norris he’s still barred from interfering in the match. Meanwhile, Mitt takes a steel-folding chair and whaps Mike the Mechanic. Mike Huckabee then swipes the chair and chases Romney around the ring. In the ring, Starz tries to slap on the figure four leg lock but Big Oil shoves him into the corner. Both men again throw punches back and forth as they move along the ropes. Romney grabs another chair and tries to slip it to Big Oil. This time, John McCain grabs the chair and both he and Romney fight over it.
Mike the Mechanic tries to pull himself up outside and get back into the ring. Texas Tex takes his giant money belt off and blasts Mike with it. Chuck Norris can’t take anymore and sidekicks Texas Tex. Then he takes Tex’s money belt and whips him with it. Romney, still grappling with McCain over the chair, calls out to the referee. The ref sees Norris throw Tex over the barricade into the crowd and immediately DQ’s Mike the Mechanic. Again, Mike Huckabee and Norris vehemently protest. In the ring, Starz N. Stripes gets occasional moments of offense on Big Oil. But tonight, the big guy is determined to cut Starz off when he gets any head of steam going. Starz goes for the flying elbow but Big Oil just catches him. Big Oil lifts him up and crotches Starz on the top rope and springboards off the corner turnbuckle into a drop kick. Suave: “THAT’S A HIGH RISK MOVE FROM A MAN OVER SIX FOOT ELEVEN INCH TALL!” Big Oil goes for the Oklahoma City Driller but Starz escapes. Romney sneaks up from behind and kills Starz with a chairshot to the back. Starz down. Big Oil hits Oklahoma City Driller. Cover. Match.
Suave: Big Oil and Mitt Romney get a huge win here at Michigan Madness! Next week! PCW Weapons of Mass Political Destruction- live at Ol’ Man Hanson’s barn in Chelsea, Michigan. We’ll see you next week!
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