Results from Tallahassee, FL.
The results from stop #4 of the BCEW Roadshow Across America Tour in Tallahassee, Florida.
The show starts with BCEW CEO George W, Progressive Alliance representative Nancy Pelosi, American Patriots representative John Boehner in the ring, and Independent representative Joe Leiberman. George W announces that BCEW champion Justin Sufferable has a severely torn ACL from his match at BCEW Weapons of Mass Political Destruction and underwent major reconstructive knee surgery last week. As a result of an historic agreement reached by all parties, there will be a new BCEW champion crowned on March 5th at the Ohio Theatre in Columbus, Ohio when the BCEW Roadshow Across America Tour hits Ohio.
W stated that the Progressive Alliance, American Patriots, and the Independents would be responsible for determining who their representative will be at the March 5th show.
Double main event tonight:
A special Progressive Alliance three-way tag team match between Bill Clinton and Kathryn Randall Collins w/Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama and BCEW Women’s Champion ‘Media Empress’ Opal Winfree vs. John Edwards and BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin
Four-way American Patriots action with Big Oil w/Texas Tex and Mitt Romney vs. Starz N. Stripes w/John McCain vs. Kirk Walstreit w/Rudy Giuliani vs. Mike the Mechanic w/Mike Huckabee and Chuck Norris
The usual chant of ‘BCEW…BCEW’ starts the night off.
MATCH #1- ‘No Frills’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO (Independent) vs. JIMMY FROM SO CAL (Jobber)
Escondido will be one of the favorites from the Independent wing of BCEW to make to the BCEW title match in March. Jimmy from So Cal is a Jim Rome wannabe Clone. Every time Jimmy hits a move he says ‘EPIC!’ or ‘CLAAH-SIC.’ After a third move, Jimmy goes ‘RACK ME!” so Escondido puts him in the torture rack and Jimmy gets run.
Sheila the secretary and Mike the Mechanic walk out. Sheila tells Mike that she finally found a new job- as a waitress at a tequila bar. Now, she wants to be known as ‘Tequila’ Sheila. Plus, she gets a cool theme song too. Mike’s okay with that.
MATCH #2- “The Angry Highway Warrior” TRIPLE R aka Road Ragin’ Randy vs. CAPPUCCINO DRINKIN’ GUY (Jobber)
Triple R takes a Singapore cane and whacks the ever-living hell out of Cappuccino Drinkin’ Guy. Triple R picks up the cup of cappuccino and pours the hot contents onto Cappuccino Drinkin’ Guy. Caneshot. Caneshot. Cover. Pin. Match.
MATCH #3- ‘Defense Expert’ HALLIE BURTON (American Patriots) w/Mgr. Neal Conn- making foreign policy as paramount responsibility of government, seeing the need for the U.S. acting as the world’s sole superpower as indispensable to establishing and maintaining global order vs. TEQUILA SHEILA (Independent)
Sheila’s first real wrestling match. She’s walks to the ring as Bobby Bare’s “Pour Me Another Tequila Sheila” plays. Sheila’s inexperienced and it shows and this is Hallie Burton’s first match since she lost the BCEW Women’s Title to ‘Media Empress’ Opal Winfree. Sheila hangs in there for awhile with Hallie. But Neal Conn runs in and clips Sheila’s knee. Hallie covers and gets the win.
Neal Conn and Hallie Burton celebrate after the match. Then they are joined by Rush Limbaugh and Tom DeLay. Limbaugh and DeLay vow to do everything in their power from keep John McCain and Starz N. Stripes from winning tonight. Again, they go on and on about how McCain ‘can’t be trusted’ and he isn’t a real conservative and an authentic member of the American Patriots. DeLay talks up a ‘real’ conservative in Mitt Romney and promises that when all is said and done “Romney and Big Oil will reign supreme tonight!”
*Def Leppard’s “Rock, Rock ‘til You Drop” blares over the loudspeakers*
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, the Extreme Equalizer, runs out. Limbaugh and DeLay bail out through the crowd leaving Neal Conn to face the wrath of WTF. Kick to the stomach. Powerbomb. Good night Neal Conn.
MATCH #4- CNN’S LOU DOBBS (Independent) vs. MSNBC’S KEITH OLBERMANN (Progressive Alliance) vs. FOX NEWS’S BILL O’REILLY (American Patriots)
Last week at BCEW Weapons of Mass Political Destruction, Olbermann and O’Reilly were in the middle of a knock down, drag out free for all when Dobbs ran down and took both men out. Olbermann immediately goes after O’Reilly but eats an Independent DDT from Dobbs. O’Reilly heaves Olbermann out of the ring and goes for the chair right away. Two chairshots to Olbermann. Dobbs comes off the top rope and takes O’Reilly’s head off. Dobbs flings O’Reilly into the barricade. Olbermann gets up and wraps TV cable around Dobbs neck. Chairshot to Dobbs. O’Reilly tries to Pearl Harbor Olbermann and eats a boot to the face. Olbermann brings out the cheese grater and opens up a gusher on O’Reilly’s forehead. Dobbs low blows Olbermann from behind. Cheese grater to Olbermann’s forehead now. O’Reilly charges. Dobbs ducks and O’Reilly lariats Olbermann. Power slam to Dobbs by O’Reilly. O’Reilly goes for a table. Olbermann clubs him from behind and shoves O’Reilly on the table. Olbermann going to the top turnbuckle. Dobbs gets up and crotches Olbermann on the top rope. Dobbs then climbs the top turnbuckle and goes for it. O’Reilly has plenty of time to roll off the table and Dobbs splits it in half.
Olbermann pulled off the top rope by O’Reilly and lands hard on the floor. O’Reilly sets up a second table and drapes Olbermann on it. O’Reilly climbs the turnbuckle. John Edwards and David Letterman, of all people, run-in. Edwards pulls Olbermann off the table. Letterman pushes O’Reilly from behind and sends him through the table. The crowd goes “BCEW…BCEW!” Olbermann covers and he gets the pin.
John Edwards announces that he is withdrawing from consideration to be the Progressive Alliance nominee to become the next BCEW CEO. He thanks BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin for all her help. This means that it’ll just be Bill Clinton and Kathryn Randall Collins vs. Barack Obama and BCEW Women’s Champion ‘Media Empress’ Opal Winfree in a special mixed tag team match.
MATCH #5- A. TOM BOMB aka A-BOMB of Ron Paul’s New Libertarian Army w/ Hy Drogen Bomb, Newt Tron Bomb, and Daisy Cutter-Bomb (American Patriots) vs ‘EXTREME VEGAN’ BROCK COLE LEE of the Green World Order w/ GreenPete, PeaceNick, and Peta from PETA (Progressive Alliance)
The bell doesn’t even ring as Brock Cole Lee immediately attacks A. Tom Bomb Both land heavy blows. A-Bomb takes the early upper hand and flings the Extreme Vegan out of the ring onto the mat below. Lee gets up and the brawl continues all the way to the concession area. Lee takes someone’s drink and whips it in A-Bomb’s face. Then he takes a thing of nachos, complete with hot sauce and smears it all over A-Bomb. Both men continue to exchange blows into the concession area. A-Bomb knocks Brock Cole Lee over a railing and takes him to the floor. Trashcan to the back of Lee and then A-Bomb empties the contents on him. A-Bomb puts the can over Lee’s head and whaps it several times with a beer bottle. A-Bomb then takes him over a barricade with some kicks and goes for a cover. The referee counts two before Lee kicks out.
Brock Cole Lee hits a suplex on the wooden floor. Hy Drogen bomb comes over and inadvertently distracts A-Bomb enough to allow Lee to connect a kick to the jaw. Then GreenPete throws him a Singapore cane and he breaks it over the back of the A-Bomb. PeaceNick immediately begins to protest the extreme violence. More caneshots to A-Bomb as both men stumble back up to the ring. Lee literally throws A-Bomb back into the ring along with a trashcan. The Extreme Vegan climbs in and connects with the lid of the can and another two count. H-Bomb hits the ring and lariats Lee causing GreenPete and Peta from PETA to intervene which induces Daisy Cutter-Bomb to go after Peta. In the midst of all the confusion, A-Bomb takes the trashcan lid and gets it kicked in his face by Brock Cole Lee. Lee covers and gets the win.
Afterwards, the Green World Order celebrates. Outside the ring, A-Bomb is furious at H-Bomb and both exchange words as they leave.
MATCH #6- SPECIAL PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE TAG TEAM MATCH- KATHRYN RANDALL COLLINS aka KRC and BILL CLINTON w/Hillary Clinton and the Clinton Political Pitbulls- James Carville and Terry McAuliffe vs. ‘MEDIA EMPRESS’ OPAL WINFREE and BARACK OBAMA w/ Opal’s Flock- Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy
Winfree and the powerhouse of the Clinton camp, KRC, start. Winfree shoves her to the mat and throws her around. KRC bails to the floor. Winfree follows and rams KRC’s head into the ring apron. Shoulderblock from Winfree. They brawl all the way around the ring. KRC challenges her to a test-of-strength. KRC accepts. They lock up, allowing Carville and McAuliffe to doubleteam Winfree from behind. Knee drop by KRC gets two. She locks in the abdominal stretch on the Media Empress and allows Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy to sneak in from behind and pull KRC off. Chairshot to KRC by Opal. A second chairshot before Carville trips Opal and gives the advantage back to KRC. KRC responds with chairshots of her own. Frying pan to the snozzle. Then she pulls Opal up and throws her into the ring. Back inside, KRC wanders back to her corner and Clinton tags himself in. Opal then tags Obama in. Big stare down. Bill and Obama circle and jaw at each other. The crowd rises in anticipation. Bill shoves Obama. Obama shoves Bill. Then out of nowhere, Ted Kennedy runs down with a steel-folding chair and jumps in the ring. Kennedy looks at both men. Bill implores him to help Hillary. Barack implores him for his support. Kennedy eyeballs Clinton…then Obama. Then he pastes Clinton with the chair.
Hillary is in shock. The Clinton Political Pitbulls hit the ring. Opal’s Flock hit the ring. Everyone’s in the ring. Somewhere lost in the melee, Barack snuck in a cover and gets the win.
Ted Kennedy then cuts a promo decrying the devisive bare knuckles, hardball tactics of the Clintons and says that Barack Obama would be a fitting nominee from the Progressive Alliance to be the next BCEW CEO. Kennedy declares that it’s time for Barack Obama. “It’s not the length of time in BCEW that matters, it’s his vision. He’ll be ready to become BCEW CEO on day one.”
No Chuck Norris tonight. All four men converge in the middle. Starz and Big Oil engage while Walstreit hammers Mike the Mechanic with rights and lefts. Snap suplex by Walstreit. Walstreit tosses Mike the Mechanic out and they battle outside the ring. Starz and Big Oil throw haymakers back and forth. Outside, Walstreit puts Mike the Mechanic through a table with a running plancha. Mike gets up and goes nuts on Walstreit with various martial arts moves he learned from Chuck Norris. But he whiffs on a spinning kick and Walstreit hits a drop toe hold, sending Mike the Mechanic’s head bouncing off a nearby chair. Walstreit took Mike up on the edge of the steel barricade and hit a Stock Market Plunge through the announcer’s table. Huckabee tries to help but Rudy holds him off to give Walsteit the pin. Mike the Mechanic eliminated.
Both Starz and Big Oil are bloody. The ref gets splattered by a flying forearm by Big Oil. Rudy tries to pepper spray Big Oil in the face. Big Oil ducks out of the way and Walstreit takes a faceful of pepper spray. Rudy checks on Walstreit and gets DDT’d because he can’t see who he’s hitting. Oklahoma Driller to Walstreit and he’s done.
It’s down to Starz N. Stripes and Big Oil. Starz hits Big Oil with kicks in machine gun fashion to take his legs out. McCain cheers on Starz and Romney yells for Big Oil. Dueling chants from the crowd for both McCain and Romney. Big Oil clubs Starz’s back, but Starz gets away and circles Big Oil, attacking his legs all the time. Big Oil ducks a swing and gets hit with more kicks. Big Oil spins Starz around and starts clubbing him in the back. Forearms and kicks to Starz in the corner. Big Oil connects with a Suplex. Big Oil then throws him to the outside. He sits Starz on the chair and hits a missile dropkick that sends him flying backwards. Texas Tex wanders over and gets a cheap shot with his golden money belt. Tex goes for another, but Starz evades and manages to throw Tex into the crowd. Starz climbs the turnbuckle. PLANCHA to Big Oil! Starz tries to weaken Big Oil with more kicks. Starz drapes Big Oil’s leg over the guardrail and whacks it with a chair! A second chairshot by Starz. A third. Starz gets Big Oil lifted in the air for a fisherman’s Suplex. Then Rush Limbaugh, Tom DeLay, and Ann Coulter run in.
Limbaugh clips Starz’s leg. Big Oil falls directly on Starz. Cover. Two count. John McCain runs in and shoves Limbaugh. Mitt Romney comes in from behind and shoves McCain. Urged on by Ann Coulter’s annoying screeching, Romney, Limbaugh and DeLay triple-team McCain. Suddenly, the crowd stands up as H. Norman Schwarzkopf and…no…no freakin’ way? SYLVESTER FREAKIN’ STALLONE? Schwarzkopf and Stallone tear Limbaugh and DeLay off McCain and throw them to the floor. Both Limbaugh and DeLay can’t believe it. Romney continues to go after McCain and gets clocked by a returning Mike Huckabee. Texas Tex then tries to clobber McCain with his golden money belt. McCain evades. Then…no…nah…it couldn’t be…it is…ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER! Texas Tex’s eyes widen. Then he turns and runs for it.
Big Oil watches Texas Tex run off being chased by the Governor of California. Starz grabs a chair and plasters Big Oil with it. Fisherman’s suplex. Starz covers…and gets the hard earned victory.
Starz, McCain, Schwarzkopf, and Stallone celebrate in the ring. Ann Coulter screeches and slams her hands against the ring apron in frustration.
Filed under: Blogs- Pro Wrestling, Politics, democrats, republicans | Tagged: Florida primary
