2/5- BCEW ‘Super Tuesday Throwdown’

BCEW ‘SUPER TUESDAY THROWDOWN’ – Feb 5th
Results from Nashville, TN.

The results from stop #5 of the BCEW Roadshow Across America Tour in Nashville, Tennessee.

MATCH #1-TOM BRADY w/Bill ‘The Genius’ Belichick vs. ELI MANNING
Brady, the pretty boy, comes out in a fancy, sparkling robe surrounded by models and Bill ‘The Genius’ Belichick. Manning, the scrappy up and comer, has Michael Strahan and Osi Umenyiora as his seconds. Brady comes out and shows off his flashy moves while Manning tries to slow down the pace. Belichick plots a strategy that has Brady in control of the match for most of the first part of them match. Brady sets Manning up to finish him off but Strahan and Umenyiora hit the ring and, like they do on most Sundays, met at the quarterback in the middle. Stunned, Brady pulls himself up and wipes off the blood that trickling from the side of his mouth. Manning goes on the offensive and the match goes back and forth until a huge controversy erupts. Bill ‘The Genius’ Belichick gets caught with a tape of Manning’s pre-match walk through. In the chaos that ensues, Strahan and Umenyiora again have a quarterback sandwich for lunch and Manning hits a finisher he calls “fade route to the wide open wide receiver in the end zone.” Belichick realizes the match is lost and leaves for the locker room. Manning covers and pulls off the huge upset. By the time the referee counts three, Belichick is already back in the back.

The BCEW ring announcer, Charlene Ann Beckworth, tells everyone that the Independent faction will be holding an eight person tournament to determine their representative in the BCEW Title match next month. Here are the matchups:

Conner Justice of Ruff Justice vs. ‘The Insanely Smelly Luchador’ Halitosis
Michael Hunt of Guys With Unfortunate First Names Given Their Last Name vs. Little Paulie of the American Bikers
D.B. Ruff of Ruff Justice vs. FUBAR
SNAFU vs. ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido

MATCH #2- INDEPENDENT TOURNAMENT MATCH 1- LITTLE PAULIE of the American Bikers w/Big Paulie and Marky vs. MICHAEL HUNT from ‘Guys With Unfortunate First Names Given Their Last Name’ w/ Richard Headd
Big Paulie and Little Paulie start to argue before the bell even rings- a new record. Hunt is out-classed but the match lasts longer than it should because Big Paulie and Little Paulie kept yammering at each other. Hunt gets stuck in the wrong corner and Big Paulie holds him for Marky to take a cheap shot at him. Unfortunately, Marky is not motivated and gets yelled at by Big Paulie. Big Paulie then yells at Little Paulie for taking too long to pin his man. Finally, Big Paulie takes matters into his own hands and clubs Hunt over the head with a motorcycle exhaust pipe. Little Paulie covers for the win.

Little Paulie now moves on in the Independent tournament. He’ll face the winner of next week’s Conner Justice/Halitosis match.

Much to everyone’s shock, former college basketball coaching legend Bob Knight appears. Knight explains that the real reason he left Texas Tech was he was tired of basketball and wanted to embark in a successful wrestling career as a manager to impart his wisdom and vast years of experience leading and molding boys into men. Then SNAFU comes out and Knight realizes that he has his work cut out for him.

MATCH #3- INDEPENDENT TOURNAMENT MATCH 2- ‘NO FRILLS’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO vs. SNAFU w/legendary basketball coach Bob Knight
Escondido systematically tears SNAFU apart while Knight alternates between screaming at the referee and SNAFU. Very quickly into the match, it’s evident that SNAFU’s situation is normal and totally and completely f@#$ed up. Escondido and SNAFU lock up. Knight grabs a steel-folding chair and tells SNAFU to hold Escondido still. Knight heaves the chair at Escondido, who ducks, and the chair plasters SNAFU in the kisser. Knight’s furious and tries to call a time out. SNAFU manages to crawl over to Knight and gets royally chewed out. Knight then throttles SNAFU and sends him back out. Knight then gets out a shotgun and tries to pick off Escondido. Unfortunately, he clips SNAFU in the leg instead. SNAFU writhes on the canvas. Knight decides he’s tired of wrestling and leaves. Escondido gets the easy cover.

Escondido faces next week’s D.B. Ruff/FUBAR winner in two weeks.

MATCH #4- ‘Defense Expert’ HALLIE BURTON (American Patriots) w/ Neal Conn- making foreign policy as paramount responsibility of government, seeing the need for the U.S. acting as the world’s sole superpower as indispensable to establishing and maintaining global order vs. BCEW EXTREME PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL TESSA MARTIN (Independent)
Hallie controls the match most of the way. Tessa suddenly hits a ‘pizza cutter’ and rallies back. Neal Conn grabs her foot though and pulls her out of the ring. Bobby Bare’s “Pour Me Another Tequila Sheila” plays and Tequila Sheila, who lost to Hallie Burton at BCEW’s Last Tango in Tallahassee when Conn clipped her knee, runs down and bashes Conn’s head in with a blender. Sheila hits the ring and clocks Hallie with the blender. Tessa covers and the BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl picks up the big upset win.

Tequila Sheila celebrates with Tessa in the ring until the ‘Queen of Political Extreme’ Ann Coulter comes to the ring and attacks them. Coulter lays out Sheila with her blender and then takes a warm pizza out of the BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’s pizza bag and dumps it all over Tessa.

MATCH #5 BCEW TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH- THE DRUNKEN LUCHADORS- DAN AND DON MARTINI, CHAMPIONS (Independent) vs. THE GREEN WORLD ORDER- GREENPETE AND ‘VEGAN’ BROCK COLE LEE w/ PeaceNick and Peta from PETA (Progressive Alliance)
Dan and Don Martini partake in their traditional pre-match ritual- guzzling down a flask of Jack Daniels and then breaking the bottle over their heads.

It’s your typical Drunken Luchador match. Plenty of blown spots because of the excess alcohol consumed by the tag team champs. GreenPete and Brock Cole Lee try desperately to execute any offensive maneuver against the plastered pair. Soon, the GWO become frustrated. PeaceNick wanders into the ring and tries to use chloroform to neutralize Don Martini. This brings Ron Paul’s New Libertarian Army out in the form of A. Tom Bomb, Hy Drogen Bomb, and Daisy Cutter-Bomb. Daisy and Peta immediately attack each other while A-Bomb and H-Bomb advance on PeaceNick and GreenPete. Both A-Bomb and H-Bomb inadvertently get in each other’s way which allows PeaceNick to sneak around and chloroform A-Bomb until he’s unconscious. GreenPete waffles H-Bomb with a steel-folding chair. Daisy Cutter-Bomb goes nuts and takes out Peta from PETA and GreenPete. In the ring, Brock Cole Lee kicks Don Martini in the stomach. Then he moves away from him when the Drunken Luchador starts to wretch. Lee turns and taunts Dan Martini. Dan surprises everyone by projectile vomiting in Brock Cole Lee’s face. Lee stumbles back and turns just in time for Don Martini to projectile vomit all over him. Lee staggers back and falls. Don passes out and lands on top of Lee. Cover. Win.

After the match, the Green World Order is furious that they lost the match.

A-Bomb and H-Bomb push each other aggressively walking to the back. Harsh words are exchanged over the mix-up in the match. H-Bomb accuses A-Bomb of not being a ‘true believer in Ron Paul’s cause.’ A-Bomb tells him it’s over for Ron Paul. Daisy Cutter-Bomb tries to mediate the fracas.

Mitt Romney comes out and states he’s finally got the head to head match up he’s always wanted against John McCain. Romney tells everyone that McCain can’t beat him one on one because he doesn’t have the support of a Rush Limbaugh, a Laura Ingraham, a Sean Hannity, or a Tom DeLay behind him. Romney believes ‘tonight’s the night’ he’ll turn it around and stop John McCain.

Charlene Ann Beckworth announces that this match is to determine the American Patriots representative in the BCEW Title Match to be held on March 4th in Columbus, OH.

MATCH #6- STARZ N. STRIPES w/John McCain (American Patriots) vs. BIG OIL w/ Texas Tex and Mitt Romney
It takes exactly three seconds for Limbaugh, DeLay, and Hannity to jump the ring and go after Starz N. Stripes. Big Oil hits a scoop slam and then Limbaugh, DeLay, and Hannity hold Starz so Texas Tex can hit him with the golden money belt. Rudy Giuliani, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Sly Stallone run in to rescue Starz. The referee tries to restore order and holds Rudy, Schwarzenegger, and Stallone back in their corner. Texas Tex distracts the ref which allows Limbaugh, DeLay, Hannity, Romney, and Big Oil to assault Starz. It looks bad until to everyone’s shock, Mike Huckabee and Chuck Norris come out to help. Norris superkicks Limbaugh. Chops DeLay to pieces. And tears through Hannity, Romney, and Big Oil. Romney escapes under the bottom rope.

Starz caught in the corner and gets worked over by Big Oil. Texas Tex tries to toss a chair to his wrestler. Bob Dole runs in and grabs Texas Tex’s arm. They fight over the steel-folding chair until Dole wrestles it away and whacks Tex in the face with the chair. Big Oil takes a swipe at Dole and Starz rolls him up from behind and somehow gets the cover.

Romney looks dejected and defeated as he slowly trudges his way to the back.

Bill and Hillary Clinton come out first for tonight’s main event. Both admit that things haven’t gone exactly the way they planned it in terms of the BCEW Women’s title. Hillary tells the crowd that Barack Obama doesn’t have a entrant on the men’s side and she saw an opportunity to prove that she was ‘ready to lead BCEW from day one’ by championing a wrestler towards the BCEW World Title.

Charlene Ann Beckworth again announces that the winner of this bout will be the choice of the Progressive Alliance to wrestle for the BCEW Title in March.

MATCH #7- DLC (DEMOCRAT LEADERSHIP COUNCIL) w/Bill and Hillary Clinton and the Clinton Political Pitbulls- James Carville and Terry McAuliffe vs. ‘THE ANGRY HIGHWAY WARRIOR’ TRIPLE R aka Road Rage Randy w/Arianna Huffington
Triple R mocks DLC for not being ‘extreme enough.’ Off the ropes and Triple R tosses DLC out to the apron. They brawl and the Clinton Political Pitbulls nail Triple R on the outside. Arianna is furious and calls for reinforcements- out comes the Angry Left Wing Bloggers (Daily Kos, Media Matters for America, and Eric Alterman). DLC up top and then jumps down- Triple R reverses into an atomic drop. Daily Kos tosses DLC to the floor and Triple R climbs up and performs sweet suicide dive. Triple R high fives with Daily Kos and Arianna. Back in the ring, Triple R with rights to DLC. Off the ropes and a snap suplex by Triple R. DLC gets too close to the wrong corner and Media Matters for America whacks him in the head with a steel-folding chair. Triple R covers for 2. Triple R up top, misses a splash when Carville races in and pulls him off the top turnbuckle. McAuliffe stomps at Triple R, while Eric Alterman grabs DLC and throws him out of the ring. Triple R fires back, off the ropes and hits a snap mare and kicks. He goes up top again and gets nailed by Bill Clinton himself. Triple R falls out of the ring and through a table. Total breakdown at this point as the Clintons and their political pitbulls rumble with Arianna and the Angry Left Wing Bloggers while both DLC and Triple R are out of the ring and not moving.

The action stops when Barack Obama dramatically appears out of nowhere. Obama tells Hillary Clinton that it’s not over yet and that he’s in it for the long haul. He even has a new wrestler to compete for the Progressive Alliance. Out comes the newcomer and Obama’s new champion- O’beck Bahama. Bill and Hillary are in shock. Obama tells them he’ll see them next Tuesday in Richmond, VA.

Next week, BCEW Extreme Political TV live from Richmond, VA as the BCEW Roadshow Across America continues.