3/4 BCEW ‘Day of Judgment’

BCEW ‘DAY OF JUDGMENT’ FROM OHIO– March 4th
Results from Columbus, Ohio

The results from the eighth BCEW Roadshow Across American Tour date in Columbus, Ohio.

MATCH #1- KIRK WALSTREIT, Wall Street Market Analyst and devoted follower of ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit (American Patriots) vs. RICHARD HEADD of Guys with Unfortunate First Names Given Their Surname (Jobber)
In between admiring the large picture of Kirk Herbstreit in his corner and reading the Wall Street Journal, Walstreit finds enough time to hit the Stock Market Plunge on Headd and pins him.

‘The Angry Highway Warrior’ Triple R comes out with Hillary Clinton. Triple R shoves people out of his way as he stalks toward the ring. Hillary talks first. Hillary: “At 3 AM, I received a phone call from Triple R. He was distraught and upset over the unfair treatment he received when Barack Obama interfered in his match with O’Beck Bahama two weeks ago at Milwaukee Meltdown.” Hillary states she assured Triple R that she, and only she, had the experience to lead him to the BCEW title. Hillary: “When the going got tough, who answered the phone at 3 AM? Me. Not Barack Obama. Me. Because Triple R knows that Hillary Clinton and her team of Political Pitbulls will do whatever’s necessary to get the job done.”

Triple R then calls out the ‘Insanely Smelly Luchador’ Halitosis, the Independent representative to tonight’s three way dance for the BCEW Title. Halitosis warily comes out. Triple R tells him that he has no chance whatsoever to win the BCEW Title. Triple R: “You’re an independent. You have no one of consequence to cover your back. You’re wasting a spot that belongs to someone more worthy.”

Barack Obama comes out and sticks up for Halitosis being in the championship match. Hillary questions Obama’s voracity in wanting the Independent in the three-way dance. Obama tells her she’s wrong. Hillary: “The fact is you don’t want Halitosis in the match any more than Triple R does.” Obama: “That’s preposterous!” Hillary: “I have proof.” Barack scoffs but then Hillary produces a memo from one of Obama’s aides and reads it. Hillary: “This states, and I quote, ‘we’d like to get Halitosis out of the match to make it a fair, one on one, battle with Starz N. Stripes.” Obama: “Wait…but…uh…” Hillary flashes a satisfied grin. Barack, flustered for the first time, turns and stomps out.

Triple R tells Halitosis: “Why don’t you do the right thing here? Drop out and let someone who belongs in tonight’s three-way dance for the BCEW Title, who deserves to be there- ME!” Halitosis: “Drop dead.” The Political Pitbulls (James Carville and Terry McAuliffe) jumps him.

Triple R storms the ring and Halitosis gets put through a table. Carville gets a chairshot on him. Triple R moonsaults Halitosis through another table. Then Carville produces a bottle of Listerine and jams it in Halitosis’s mouth. McAuliffe then squeezes an entire tube of toothpaste into his mouth as well. The combination of the mouthwash and toothpaste neutralize Halitosis’s finishing move, the ‘breath of death.’

Triple R again gets on the microphone and demands that he replace Halitosis in the three-way dance for the BCEW Title. Triple R: “You can’t win. It’s time for you to do the right thing.”

*Def Leppard’s ‘Rock, Rock til You Drop’ blares*

Triple R, Carville, McAuliffe, and Hillary skip the ring and go to the back as the ‘Extreme Equalizer,’ Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, comes to Halitosis’s rescue. WTF helps Halitosis limp to the back.

MATCH #2- UNION JAC (Progressive Alliance) vs. SNOTT FLEMMSTEIN (Jobber)
Snott Flemmstein has a large prosthetic nose that shoots out a greenish brown stream of…‘snot.’ After complaining for the first five minutes about the non-union referee, Union Jac sidesteps Flemmstein’s stream of snot and delivers the Picket Line to take out Flemmstein and get the win.

BCEW’S THIRD BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION
A huge cake is rolled out with the number three on top. BCEW Owner Bubba Jackson comes out along with DeWayne Cantrell and Charlene Ann Beckworth. Jackson thanks the crowd and remarks that ‘it’s hard to believe it’s been three years.’ Jackson announces that a BCEW TV Championship will be crowned at the next BCEW Extreme Political TV show. Jackson: “As a special treat, here’s the first match of the first ever BCEW Pay Per View at Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon from ‘BCEW-Loose Cannons Unleashed.’”

MATCH #3 SPECIAL REPLAY OF ‘No Spin Factor’ BILL O’REILLY, ‘The Innovator of Extreme Broadcast Excellence’ RUSH LIMBAUGH, and the ‘Queen of Political Extreme’ ANN COULTER (American Patriots) vs. ‘American On-Air’ AL FRANKEN, MICHAEL MOORE, and JEANINE GAROFALO (Progressive Alliance) MATCH FROM MARCH 2005 PAY PER VIEW ‘BCEW-LOOSE CANNONS UNLEASHED’
Charlene Ann Cantrell (this was before she got married) does the ring announcement. The voice of BCEW, Johnny Suave, on the play-by-play. “This is a six man tag team grudge match!” Charlene Ann says, “In this corner, representing the American Pa-” Garofalo interrupts her and reminds her that there are two women competing in the match. “I’m not a man,” she states and then points over to Ann Coulter, “and I’m sure the right-wing fascist toothpick over there isn’t a man …and she isn’t much of a woman either.” The match is about to begin when Ann Coulter, the woman who hates the Progressive Alliance so much that she could write book after book after book about how much she hates the Progressive Alliance……and she does, takes the mic from Charlene Ann Cantrell. “What’s the best way to talk to a liberal,” she asks. After a few seconds of awkward silence roll by she answers her own question. “As little as possible.” Coulter laughs heartily at her joke until Garofalo attacks her and starts a catfight. Both women roll around the ring before they tumble out on onto the floor and then scuffle all the way back to the locker room.

Then “The Spinbuster” Bill O’Reilly from the “no spinning zone” takes the mic and rips into the Progressive Alliance for “spouting the same old negative spin.” He begins to analyze the issue in a “fair and balanced” way when he is interrupted by Al Franken- host of “Al Franken presents the “Al Franken Factor Factor starring Al Franken.” Franken tells O’Reilly that his “crack” staff consisting of left-wing college professors researched a comment O’Reilly made earlier in the night that he would be out in ‘just a minute’ and determined that because it took more than a minute for O’Reilly to appear that it was indisputable proof that O’Reilly and the American Patriots were nothing more than pathological lying, lying liars. Then the “Innovator of Excellence in Wrestling” Rush Limbaugh, El Rushbo, the Great One, all knowing, all seeing, the Maharushbie, with talent on loan from Rob, gets into the action. “I’ve been meaning to ask you,” Franken says, “just who the hell is Rob?” “That’s not important,” Limbaugh replies. After trumpeting his research and superior show preparation, Limbaugh claims that Franken has made inaccurate statements about him. “You said, and I quote here, that I was nothing more than a ‘big, fat, obese idiot,” Limbaugh says pointing to his svelte, lean figure, “Well Mr. Franken, for your information everyone can plainly see that I am neither big, fat, or obese. Once again, you are wrong and I am right.” Then Michael Moore gets into the act. He claims that he has indisputable proof that Limbaugh is big, fat, and obese. He then rolls a film clip he calls “Refrigerate 9:11” which consists of a poorly spliced together piece that is awkwardly edited to portray Limbaugh as a hundred times larger than he really is.

Over the loudspeaker, the opening riffs to AC/DC’s “Highway to Hell” blares. Johnny Suave: “Is that who I think it is?” The crowd cheers as a man with a steel-folding chair runs to the ring. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! IT’S DeWAYNE CANTRELL!” Cantrell climbs inside the ring and walks right up to Bill O’Reilly. *CLANG* Steel-folding chair to O’Reilly. *CLANG* Chairshot to Rush Limbaugh. Then Cantrell bumps into Al Franken. Franken smiles at Cantrell. Cantrell smiles right back. Awkward pause. Then… *CLANG* Franken staggers across the ring and barrels into Michael Moore. Moore and his large frame then get stuck in the ropes and he can’t get out. Cantrell slowly walks over to him. The American Screamer Howard Dean runs out. Dean: “Oh no…no…don’t do it.” Cantrell winds up. *CLANG* Moore’s hat flies off his head and his torso tipped down at impact. His legs shot upwards and crotched Franken hanging on the ring ropes next to him. Pain shooting through nerves that Franken didn’t realize he had, he staggered back across the ring and conked heads with Bill O’Reilly. O’Reilly, who had just managed to pull himself up off the canvas, flopped right back down. Franken, physically out on his feet and mentally in a different area code, lurched forward and fell headfirst into the groin area of Rush Limbaugh. Limbaugh’s arms and legs flailed briefly, his face contorted in a strange manner, and then he curled up into a big ball of misery.

The crowd shouts, “DTC…DTC…” as Moore’s body returns to its original position on the ropes and then they tell Cantrell to do it again. Dean: “That’s enough, he can’t move!” Cantrell winds up again and *CLANG*. Moore slides forward through the ropes and lands outside on the concrete floor. Dean: “DAMN YOU CANTRELL!” Dean runs into the ring and confronts Cantrell. *CLANG* Bad idea. Dean to the canvas. Suave: “UNBELIVABLE! DeWayne Cantrell comes in and totally cleans house!”

MATCH #4 #1 CONTENDER MATCH FOR THE BCEW WOMEN’S TITLE- KATHRYN RANDALL COLLINS (KRC) w/Hillary Clinton (Progressive Alliance) vs. ‘Defense Expert’ HALLIE BURTON w/Neal Conn- making foreign policy as paramount responsibility of government, seeing the need for the U.S. acting as the world’s sole superpower as indispensable to establishing and maintaining global order
Hillary Clinton sends out two backroom members of her Political Pitbulls, Mark Penn and Harold Ickes, to the ring to second KRC because she’s busy trying to tamp down a problem. This is a battle of two former BCEW Women’s champions. KRC and Burton lock up. Burton takes the initiative and goes on the offensive. KRC turns the momentum back with some power moves. Penn tries to assist her but accidently blasts Collins with a frying pan. Burton again takes control of the match. Ickes tries to pull the ‘Defense Expert’s’ legs out from under her and gets walloped by Neal Conn, rushing to her rescue. Collins gets frustrated and takes a wild swing at Hallie Burton that misses badly and clocks Penn.

Penn and Ickes start bickering with each other outside the ring. Ickes blames Penn for the screw ups. Penn retorts that everything concerning Hillary is reviewed and approved by Ickes. Ickes: “No, it’s not. Penn: “Yes, it is.” This goes on for a couple seconds. Then Hillary, clearly agitated, comes out, low blows Hallie Burton, and allows Collins to lock in the STF for the win.

Hillary again takes the mic and challenges Barack and the women’s champion, ‘Media Empress’ Opal Winfree to put the title on the line against KRC. Again, she touts her experience and leadership will guide KRC back to the women’s championship.

MATCH #5 #1 CONTENDER MATCH FOR THE BCEW TAG TEAM TITLES- THE GREEN WORLD ORDER- GreenPete and ‘Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee w/Darth Nader, PeaceNick, and Peta from PETA vs. RON PAUL’S NEW LIBERTARIAN ARMY- A. Tom Bomb and Hy Drogen Bomb w/Newt Tron Bomb and Daisy Cutter-Bomb
The winner of this match will become the #1 contender for the Drunken Luchador’s- Dan and Don Martini’s BCEW Tag Team Titles. GreenPete locks up with A-Bomb. H-Bomb attacks Brock Cole Lee. Poor Darth Nader, not very mobile, tries to get out of the way. A-Bomb uses his power to throw GreenPete across the ring while the others finally clear out. A-Bomb spends an inordinate amount of time in the ring while GreenPete and Brock Cole Lee executes quick tags. H-Bomb, notoriously short-tempered to begin with, blows a fuse. All four men in the ring. Nader gets caught in the middle and finally clubs H-Bomb across the back. H-Bomb explodes and throws Brock Cole Lee out of the ring. Then H-Bomb backs Nader up in a corner. Peta from PETA sneaks in and crotches H-Bomb. Nader then delivers a mechanized left arm horse collar and H-Bomb is down. A-Bomb gets doubleteamed by the GWO. Near fall and again, the Bomb Brothers start chirping away at each other.

Darth Nader still can’t get out of the ring. PeaceNick again protests the match as being to extreme and violent. Daisy Cutter-Bomb chases Peta around the ring. Nader attempts a feeble clothesline and accidently takes out GreenPete. H-Bomb quickly takes advantage and the bickering New Libertarian Army steals the win.

After the match, H-Bomb and A-Bomb again debate Ron Paul. A-Bomb again tells H-Bomb and that it’s over for Ron Paul. A-Bomb: “Hell, he’s running for re-election for his House seat.” H-Bomb still won’t hear of it. H-Bomb: “Ron Paul is the only honest BCEW CEO candidate left! He’s not dropping out!” Then H-Bomb leaves.

BACKSTAGE
Hillary Clinton blocks Triple R from leaving the locker room. Hillary: “You called me at 3 AM because of my years of experience and expertise in these types of situations.” Triple R wants to go out to the ring for the BCEW title match. Hillary tells him that his time will come and assures Triple R that with the help of the Clinton Political Pitbulls, he will win the BCEW Title. Hillary: “Nothing, I repeat, nothing will stand in our way.”

“Not just unbearable! Not just intolerable! I am…Justin Sufferable!” blares over the loudspeakers heralding the arrival of former champion Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance. Sufferable, still on crutches from major reconstructive knee surgery that forced him to give up the BCEW Title, comes out to announce the contestants for the three-way dance with the BCEW title belt slung over his shoulder.

The Independent, Halitosis, is the first one Sufferable introduces. Halitosis arrives limping and is accompanied by another former BCEW champion, ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido, The American Bikers- Little Paulie and Big Paulie, and Politically Incorrect- Nic Koteen, Al Cahall, and NRA.

Next out, the ‘New Rookie Sensation’ O’Beck Bahama, representing the Progressive Alliance. Bahama comes to the ring with Barack Obama. Bahama has only been in BCEW for just a couple months. Can he overcome his relative inexperience or will it be his undoing?

Finally, John McCain leads the ‘Original Rookie Sensation’ Starz N. Stripes of the American Patriots to the ring. A three year veteran, Starz has been in BCEW since its inception in 2005.

BCEW CEO George W and his aide de camp, Dick, following the usual extremely off-key mariachi band playing ‘Hail to the Chief’ arrives next. The ‘American Screamer’ Howard Dean follows.

After the announcements, everyone shakes hands with each other and then all three contestants retreat to their respective corners. Sufferable hands the BCEW title belt to the referee and he calls for the bell.

MATCH #6 BCEW TITLE MATCH- STARZ N. STRIPES w/John McCain (American Patriots) vs. O’BECK BAHAMA w/Barack Obama (Progressive Alliance) vs. ‘The Insanely Smelly Luchador’ HALITOSIS (Independent)
Although limited with his patented ‘breath of death’ finisher thanks to the Clinton Political Pitbulls, Halitosis comes out rocking. He hits missile dropkicks all over the ring causing Starz N. Stripes to bail from the ring. Halitosis then breaks out a series of vicious kicks that drives the ‘New Rookie Sensation’ to his knees and then finishes it off with a snapping spin kick that nearly knocks out Bahama. Then, Halitosis slingshots himself out of the ring onto an unsuspecting Starz N. Stripes. Halitosis whips Starz into the steel guardrail. Chairshot to Starz. Chairshot to Bahama who tried to sneak in from behind. Halitosis clotheslines Starz over the guardrail into the crowd. The requisite ‘BCEW’ chant results and the American Bikers, Politically Incorrect, and Escondido shout out encouragement to Halitosis.

Halitosis brings Bahama back into the ring. Kicks to the rookie’s legs. Snap suplex. Tilt-a-whirl slam. Halitosis goes for the cover. 2 count when Barack Obama puts Bahama’s leg on the bottom rope. Starz back in. Halitosis missile drop kicks him twice, driving him back into the corner. Snap suplex. Then Halitosis tries to use the ‘breath of death’ on Starz. No go. His breath is ‘too minty.’ Starz connects with a wicked left that sends Halitosis flying across the ring. Spike slam. Vertical suplex sucks the wind from Halitosis. Starz lifts him up and drives Halitosis to the canvas with a piledriver. Starz covers. 1-2-3.

HALITOSIS IS ELIMINATED

It comes down to the ‘Original Rookie Sensation’ Starz N. Stripes and the ‘New Rookie Sensation’ O’Beck Bahama. Starz puts on a wrestling clinic, constantly staying one step ahead of the inexperienced Bahama. Armbar by Starz. Bahama reverses to a half nelson. Starz reverses that into a fireman’s carry takedown and then a chinlock. Bahama twists and escapes. Dropkick by Bahama. Chop by Starz. Irish whip by Starz reversed by Bahama followed with a suplex. Bahama misses a leg drop. Starz bounces up, lifts him up, and back suplexes Bahama. A second back suplex by Starz. Bahama wildly charges. Starz sidesteps. Bahama bounces off the ropes and Starz delivers a Death Valley Driver. Cover. 1…2…3…and we’ve got a new champion.

WINNER AND NEW BCEW CHAMPION: ‘THE ORIGINAL ROOKIE SENSATION’ STARZ N. STRIPES

Justin Sufferable presents the belt to Starz N. Stripes and he and John McCain celebrate in the ring.

As a dejected Bahama and Obama leave, Triple R and the Clinton Political Pitbulls suddenly jump them. While Hillary and Bill Clinton urge them on, James Carville, Terry McAuliffe, Mark Penn, and Harold Ickes overwhelm Bahama and Obama. ‘The American Screamer’ Howard Dean tries to get in and separate the two warring factions. Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi also wade into the fracas and restrain Obama. Hillary nods approvingly when Triple R plants Bahama through a table. Away from the scrum, Harold Ickes suddenly hauls off and smacks fellow Clinton Political Pitbull Mark Penn for no reason. They get separated. Dean, Reid, and Pelosi protects Bahama from further hurt.

Triple R attempts to crash Starz N. Stripe’s celebration. Justin Sufferable nearly decapitates him with his crutch. Triple R wisely retreats.

Hillary points at Obama and tells him ‘it’s not over. It’s not over by any stretch of the imagination. I’m going all the way and there’s nothing that you or anyone else can do to stop me.”