From Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon, Westville, Ohio.
Host: Johnny Suave
Suave: “The BCEW Roadshow across America was a huge success. It all led up to last week at BCEW ‘Day of Judgment’ right down the road in Columbus, Ohio, when BCEW crowned a new champion…”
REPLAY OF FINAL MOMENTS OF STARZ N. STRIPES w/John McCain (American Patriots) vs. O’BECK BAHAMA w/Barack Obama (Progressive Alliance) MATCH FOR THE BCEW TITLE
It comes down to the ‘Original Rookie Sensation’ Starz N. Stripes and the ‘New Rookie Sensation’ O’Beck Bahama. Starz puts on a wrestling clinic, constantly staying one step ahead of the inexperienced Bahama. Armbar by Starz. Bahama reverses to a half nelson. Starz reverses that into a fireman’s carry takedown and then a chinlock. Bahama twists and escapes. Dropkick by Bahama. Chop by Starz. Irish whip by Starz reversed by Bahama followed with a suplex. Bahama misses a leg drop. Starz bounces up, lifts him up, and back suplexes Bahama. A second back suplex by Starz. Bahama wildly charges. Starz sidesteps. Bahama bounces off the ropes and Starz delivers a Death Valley Driver. Cover. 1…2…3…and we’ve got a new champion.
WINNER AND NEW BCEW CHAMPION: ‘THE ORIGINAL ROOKIE SENSATION’ STARZ N. STRIPES
Justin Sufferable presents the belt to Starz N. Stripes and he and John McCain celebrate in the ring.
Suave congratulates Starz N. Stripes. Then he starts to run down the goings on over the past two months when the horribly off-key mariachi band shows up playing ‘Hail to the Chief.’ BCEW CEO George W walks to the ring with his glum looking aide de camp, Dick. Suave: “Well, I wonder what the BCEW CEO wants to say?”
AMERICAN PATRIOTS SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT
George W tells the Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon crowd that he has a special announcement to make…but first he’d like to sing a song. The off-key mariachi band starts playing the music for “Green, Green Grass of Home” but W warbles different lyrics: “And there to meet me is my mama and my papa, down the lane I look and here comes Barney, heart of gold and breath like honey; it’s good to touch the brown, brown grass of home.” Suave: Well, that was different. Okay, the BCEW CEO-…” Much to Suave’s, and the crowds, dismay, W keeps a singin’: “For there’s Condi and Dick, my old compadre, talking to me about some oil rich Saudi, but soon I’ll touch the brown, brown grass of home.” Suave: “Okay, now maybe he’s done-” W: “That old White house is behind me, I am once again carefree, don’t have to worry `bout a crisis in Pyongyang. Down the lane I look, Dick Cheney is strolling with documents he’d been withholding, it’s good to touch the brown, brown grass of home.”
Suave: “Okay, is he done, now?” Apparently not as W calls out John McCain to the ring. McCain appears and W, reluctantly, announces that he will be the nominee of the American Patriots to become the next BCEW CEO. Then McCain and George W hug…okay, not so much a hug but an awkward embrace- you know, like ex-lovers who run into each other on the street and that whole awkward thing? That. Dick looks sick. Ann Coulter cries. Tom DeLay looks like he’s about to hold Congress in session indefinitely until he gets the votes needed to ram through a piece of legislation…if he were still in Congress.
MATCH #1 Ron Paul’s New Libertarian Army- A. TOM BOMB and HY DROGEN BOMB w/Newt Tron Bomb and Daisy Cutter-Bomb (American Patriots) vs. FUBAR and SNAFU (Jobbers extraordinaire)
Suave: “The New Libertarian Army are the new number one contenders for the BCEW Tag Team titles.” H-Bomb starts with an improved FUBAR. H-Bomb is in control when Ron Paul walks to the ring. The action slows and then stops. Paul tells the Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon crowd that he has something to say. Paul announces that in lieu of John McCain’s nomination, he is formally dropping his bid to become BCEW CEO. And with that, he departs. A-Bomb isn’t surprised. H-Bomb is visibly upset. Suave: “Over the past couple weeks, H-Bomb has steadfastly stuck up for Paul. How will he handle this?” We find out very quickly. H-Bomb slugs and then delivers three Hydrogen Power Bombs in a row to poor FUBAR. But instead of covering him, H-Bomb then leaves.
A-Bomb climbs in the ring and SNAFU attempts to take advantage of the two on one…of course, if there was a two on one. FUBAR lies not moving. A-Bomb lifts SNAFU up and hits an Atomic Power Bomb. Then he covers both FUBAR and SNAFU. 1…2…3.
WINNER: A.TOM BOMB and HY DROGEN BOMB
HILLARY CLINTON PROMO
Hillary points out that O’Beck Bahama’s loss to Starz N. Stripes proves that she was right all along. Hillary: “Barack Obama is clearly not ready to handle the responsibility of leading the Progressive Alliance. Let’s watch what happened last week after the match…”
REPLAY OF THE AFTERMATH OF THE STARZ N. STRIPES/O’BECK BAHAMA MATCH
As a dejected Bahama and Obama leave, Triple R and the Clinton Political Pitbulls suddenly jump them. While Hillary and Bill Clinton urge them on, James Carville, Terry McAuliffe, Mark Penn, and Harold Ickes overwhelm Bahama and Obama. ‘The American Screamer’ Howard Dean tries to get in and separate the two warring factions. Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi also wade into the fracas and restrain Obama. Hillary nods approvingly when Triple R plants Bahama through a table. Away from the scrum, Harold Ickes suddenly hauls off and smacks fellow Clinton Political Pitbull Mark Penn for no reason. They get separated. Dean, Reid, and Pelosi protect Bahama from further hurt.
Triple R attempts to crash Starz N. Stripe’s celebration. Justin Sufferable nearly decapitates him with his crutch. Triple R wisely retreats.
Hillary points at Obama and tells him ‘it’s not over. It’s not over by any stretch of the imagination. I’m going all the way and there’s nothing that you or anyone else can do to stop me.”
HILLARY PROMO CONTINUED
Hillary against asserts that she’s the best, experienced, tested choice for BCEW CEO and her wrestler, Triple R, was the best, experienced, tested choice to represent the Progressive Alliance in last week’s BCEW title match. Hillary: “Like the little girl sleeping at 3 AM, when that phone rings who do you want to answer the call when a crisis erupts?” Female voice: “Barack Obama!” The crowd gasps. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! WHO’S THAT?” The woman introduces herself: “My name is Casey Knowles and I am the girl in that commercial. I was eight years old when that was shot. Now, I’m eighteen and I say that the ‘fear-mongering’ message in that spot is nothing more than a cheap political shot.” Hillary’s stunned. Knowles: “I prefer Obama’s message of looking forward to a bright future.” Then Obama joins her. Obama: “Hillary Clinton. You and Bill have going around saying that I would make a great aide de camp, that Hillary and Obama would be impossible to beat. If I’m not ready to become the next BCEW CEO, how the hell can you think that I’d be a great aide de camp?” Obama points out the bottom line is that O’Beck Bahama won the Progressive Alliance spot in the title match, her wrestler didn’t, and no spin will ever change that.
MATCH #2 THREE WAY DANCE TO DETERMINE THE BCEW TELEVISION CHAMPION: BIG OIL w/ Texas Tex (American Patriots) vs. ‘The Angry Highway Warrior’ TRIPLE R w/Hillary Clinton (Progressive Alliance) vs. ‘No Frills’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO (Independent)
Big Oil gets on the mic and gloats about the record oil prices. Texas Tex pushes a wheelbarrow with a heaping pile of cash inside. Suave: “That’s just ridiculous. People are getting squeezed left and right and this ass is bragging about his record profits?”
Triple R and Hillary engage in a heated conversation. Triple R doesn’t want to settle for a ‘meaningless TV title.’ Hillary tries to convince him that winning a title, any title, will be a stepping stone for Triple R and also help prove to the rest of the Progressive Alliance that she’s the best person to lead them to victory.
The match gets underway with the 6 foot 11 Big Oil cleaning house. Escondido and Triple R to the outside. Texas Tex clubs Escondido with his gold money belt. Big Oil climbs from the ring and choke slams Escondido onto the floor. Triple R stays on the opposite side of the ring. Big Oil covers Escondido who miraculously kicks out at 2. Big Oil goes for a choke slam. Triple R decides to get in on the action by hitting Big Oil with a steel-folding chair. Escondido gets dropped. Triple R disregards Escondido and goes after the big guy. Chairshot to the back. Chairshot to the knee. Texas Tex tries to use the money belt- he gets a chairshot in return. Triple R channels his anger into an absolute dismantling of Big Oil. Hillary smugly watches as Triple R bloodies Big Oil with a chairshot to the face. Triple R locks on the figure four leglock and leans back into it. Big Oil, face registering intense pain, tries to hang on. He taps out and is eliminated.
The second the referee calls Big Oil out, O’Beck Bahama, Barack Obama, Arianna Huffington, and the Angry Left Wing Bloggers (Eric Alterman, Media Matters for America, and Daily Kos) race out and attack Triple R. The Clinton Political Pitbulls (James Carville, Terry McAuliffe, and Harold Ickes) join the brawl and it’s an all out fight. Triple R gets beaten down and tossed back in the ring.
Escondido crawls back in and covers. The referee counts and Escondido becomes the new BCEW TV champion.
WINNER AND NEW BCEW TELEVISION CHAMPION: ‘No Frills’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO
Hillary runs and protests to the ‘American Screamer’ Howard Dean. She complains and demands he put a stop to this. Dean responds that he and others are staying neutral until either Obama and Clinton establishes him/herself as the nominee for the Progressive Alliance.
Suave: “Escondido does it again! The Barack-Clinton wars show no sign of letting up. What will happen to the ‘New Libertarian Army?’ We’ll find out next week.”
Filed under: 2008 Presidential Election, Barack Obama, Blogs- Pro Wrestling, Hillary Clinton, John McCain, Politics, democrats, political satire, republicans | Tagged: Arianna Huffington, Daily Kos, George W. Bush, Media Matters for America, Ron Paul, Tom DeLay
