Host: Johnny Suave
Last time at PCW-Hoosier House Party:
Suave previews the big contract signing to official set the main event for PCW Loose Cannons Unleashed 4- “The Original Rookie Sensation” Starz N. Stripes w/John McCain (American Patriots) vs. “The New Rookie Sensation” O’Beck Bahama w/Barack Obama (Progressive Alliance).
MATCH #1 HUNTER the HUNTER from Politically Incorrect (Independent) vs. SNAFU (Jobber)
Hunter the Hunter comes out in camouflage and brings a bear trap to the ring. Suave recounts Hunter’s debut in PCW at Keystone State Khaos where he won by submission when Peter from PETA caught his foot in a bear trap.
SNAFU tries to stay away from Hunter. He trips over a shoelace and stumbles into the corner. *CLACK* Suave: “D’OH!” SNAFU quickly taps out.
WINNER: HUNTER the HUNTER
FUBAR runs out and manages to free SNAFU’s foot from the bear trap. He helps him to the back.
GEORGE W’s OFFICE
BCEW CEO George W has a surprise visitor- ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann. Suave: “Wow. Mr. McMann hasn’t been seen on BCEW/PCW since the Loose Cannons Unleashed 3 pay per view a year ago.”
REPLAY- MR. McMANN’S LAST APPEARANCE AT LOOSE CANNONS UNLEASHED 3- MARCH 2007
Sports Entertainment Genius aka Mr. McMann, brandishing his EECW title belt, and his daughter, Steffi, show up. McMann: “Oh bravo…bravo.” Suave: “Who the hell let him in the building?” McMann calls the four EECW oldtimers ‘dinosaurs’ who will soon be extinct from the world of professional wrestling. McMann: “I am the true visionary of wrestling. You and your garbage style of wrestling are destined for the scrap heap of wrestling history and no match for me and my genius.” The crowd boos. Voice: “Wait a minute. Don’t you have your own show on the Comic Book Network.” Suave: “IT’S BCEW OWNER BUBBA JACKSON! He’s coming out!”
Mr. McMann attempts to apologize for everything that led up to the BCEW-EECW war in March, 2007 and asks for a second chance to show his ‘genius.’ W thinks about it. Then he tells Mr. McMann he’ll allow him to come back if he can win a special match against an opponent of his choosing. Mr. McMann accepts.
Mr. McMann stands in the ring waiting for his opponent. PCW Ring Announcer Charlene Ann Beckworth announces that his opponent will be…PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin! The crowd cheers as Tessa comes to the ring with her specially retrofitted oversized pizza box. Her 3 Amiga compadres Daisy Cutter-Bomb and Tequila Sheila accompany her.
MATCH #2 “Sports Entertainment Genius” MR. McMANN vs. “PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl” TESSA MARTIN of the 3 Amigas w/Daisy Cutter-Bomb and Tequila Sheila
Mr. McMann smiles at Tessa. Tessa’s glare could bore through steel. McMann: “Hey. You’re not still upset about the fact that I stalked you and later had you hypnotized on the old BCEW Cable show to make you do a striptease, are you?” She raises her eyebrows at him. McMann: “I’m just here to let bygones be bygones. Let’s just shake hands and start all over, okay?” Mr. McMann extends his hand. Tessa kicks him in the balls. Daisy Cutter-Bomb then tosses Tessa the oversized pizza box and she blasts Mr. McMann in the kisser with it. Suave: “Nope. Guess not.” She puts her foot on McMann’s chest and gets the pin.
WINNER: ‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ TESSA MARTIN
Tessa turns and leaves Mr. McMann unconscious in the middle of the ring. Suave: “Well, if that’s not a feel good moment, I don’t know what is.”
BACKSTAGE
Bill and Hillary Clinton are talking to each other when the ‘Angry Highway Warrior’ Triple R (Road Rage Randy) appears. Triple R demands to know what the game plan is to stop the contract signing later tonight to officially book O’Beck Bahama vs. PCW Champion Starz N. Stripes. Hillary: “There is none.” Triple R is pissed. Hillary explains that she’s thrown everything but the kitchen sink at Barack Obama and his wrestler O’Beck Bahama and it hasn’t worked. Hillary: “At some point after the process works its way through, we have to think about going up against John McCain in the fall for the PCW CEO job.” Triple R tells her he doesn’t give a damn about making nice-nice so the Progressive Alliance can unite against John McCain. He wants his PCW title back. Triple R: “You promised me you’d get me the PCW title!” Hillary apologizes and says that things didn’t quite work out the way they planned it. Triple R: “ ‘BLEEP’ this! I’ll take care of it myself.”
Triple R stomps off. Bill Clinton: “You know, there’s a certain ruthlessness about him that you have to admire.”
MATCH #3 ‘No Frills’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO (Independent) vs. FUBAR (Jobber)
Suave: “Escondido is the former PCW television champion trying to get another shot at the new champion, Big Oil.” Quick squash match as FUBAR, who’d shown some improvement over the past few months, is totally outclasses by Escondido. Evenflow DDT puts out FUBAR’s lights and Escondido gets the win.
WINNER: ‘No Frills’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO
Escondido exits leaving a disgruntled FUBAR in the ring. He slams his hand on the mat and then also leaves.
INDIANOLA JONES VISIT/BIG OIL
Suave: “Well, well, well. It’s not every day we get someone with his stature to show up here at PCW. It’s Midwestern pro wrestling legend Indianola Jones!” Suave welcomes Jones, now 65 years old and wearing a cheap fedora with a whip hanging off his belt, to PCW. Suave notes that he hasn’t appeared at a wrestling event in 19 years. Jones appreciates the warm reception. Jones: “It’s sure great after all these years to be back in-” The crowd boos as the PCW Television champion, Big Oil, saunters up to the aging legend with Texas Tex and the everpresent wheelbarrow overflowing with cash. Big Oil tells Jones that no one wants to see an old, washed up hack hog the limelight. Big Oil: “This is my show. I paid for it. Get lost.” More boos as Jones reluctantly departs. Big Oil tells the audience that he’d usually come out to brag on the fact that gas prices continue to rise. But he states he has some business to attend to tonight. Most notably- Triple R. Big Oil: “I think we all saw what happened at Hoosier House Party two weeks ago.”
REPLAY- AFTERMATH OF O’BECK BAHAMA/TRIPLE R MATCH AT HOOSIER HOUSE PARTY
Suave: “Big Oil had just taken Triple R out with a chair and O’Beck Bahama covered for the pin. Rush Limbaugh just revealed that the Chaotic Alliance of Convenience of Big Oil and Triple R was all a work for his devious purposes.
Limbaugh gets into the ring and says this whole thing was a work. He only supported Hillary to disrupt the Progressive Alliance and produce the weakest candidate possible to face the American Patriots John McCain in the fall for PCW CEO. Limbaugh: “I only wanted to keep the divisive fight going between Obama and Clinton. Now I believe that Barack Obama is the weakest candidate of the Progressive Alliance. Operation Chaos is an unmitigated success!” With that, Limbaugh leaves a stunned Hillary Clinton mouthing ‘why?’…
Big Oil: “Little man. You’ve bitten off more than you can chew. Nobody, I repeat, nobody does that to Big Oil. You’d better watch your back.”
JOHNNY SUAVE IN THE RING
Before the contract signing, Suave introduces Emily List, a staunch supporter of Hillary Clinton. List is upset over the treatment of Hillary and calls the media ‘misogynistic.’ She accuses everyone who’s against her to be sexist and declares that women can put a stop to it if they all band together. List: “We can change the world!” Suave: “Okay. Maybe, and I’m just spitballing here, maybe a lot of the problem people have against Hillary is because of the way she campaigned for PCW CEO, the hard driving, bare knuckled, do everything and anything to win motif.” List: “You would think that- because you’re a man. And you’re a sexist, chauvinistic, misogynistic pig.” List rails on that media was against Hillary and again complains about the sexist treatment of her.
Suave: “Okay. Let me ask you this. Let’s say the tables were turned and it was Hillary ahead in the polls instead of Obama. Because you voted for Hillary instead of Obama, does that automatically make you a racist?” List: “Well…er…I…I don’t see the connection there.” Suave: “Right.” Emily scurries off just as the horrendously off-key mariachi band comes out and butchers ‘Hail to the Chief.’ Suave: “I guess that means it’s time. Here comes the PCW CEO- George W.” George W cringes every time the mariachi band hits a hideously off-key note. Starz N. Stripes follows with John McCain (American Patriots). Then O’Beck Bahama and Barack Obama (Progressive Alliance) joins them in the ring.
CONTRACT SIGNING
Bahama, Obama and Starz and McCain sit down at a table to sign the contract. Starz signs off first. Bahama is about to when Triple R arrives ringside. He pushes by the mariachi band and climbs into the ring to demand Bahama step aside and give him back his ‘deserved’ spot in the match. Bahama refuses. Triple R leaps across the table and attacks him. Bahama’s chair flips backwards and both men tumble across the ring. Bahama pushes Triple R off him. Triple R flips him off and charges towards him again. Big Oil runs in and nearly decapitates Triple R with a vicious clothesline. Big Oil throws Triple R hard into the corner. He climbs the top turnbuckle with Triple R and then hits the Oklahoma Driller from the top rope through the table. Crowd: “PCW!…PCW!”
Bahama signs the contract and the match for Loose Cannons Unleashed 4 is officially on.
Big Oil sticks his big boot on Triple R and stands tall in the ring. Texas Tex comes down with the wheelbarrow overflowing with cash. Big Oil again brags about the price of oil reaching $134 per barrel and thanks the American people for continuing to line his pockets with their cash. Big Oil: “Money equals power. There’s people like you who are nothing more than common sheep. Then there’s people like me- powerful people who lead sheep like you. You can all…hey!” Suave: “IT’S THE AMERICAN TRUCKER AND AVERAGE JOE!” American Trucker pushes Texas Tex into the ring apron. Big Oil: “What are you doing? Get…get away from my money!” American Trucker: “You say that money equals power. I say that this can of lighter fluid and this match is a big equalizer.” American Trucker soaks the money with lighter fluid. Texas Tex tries to stop him but Average Joe tackles him. Enraged, Big Oil starts to climb out of the ring when a whip wraps around his ankle and then takes out the feet from under him. Suave: “DUH-DA-DUUHHHHH! IT’S INDIANOLA JONES!” Big Oil falls face first to the canvas. American Trucker lights the match and throws it into the wad of cash inside the wheelbarrow. *POOF* Big Oil: “NOOOOOOOOOO!” Big Oil tries to get up but Indianaola Jones won’t let him. He helplessly watches as his money burns up in a fiery inferno.
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J.D. Elder’s new novel Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction features BCEW/PCW and several characters in the story. Check out this funny and occasionally biting political satire at:
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Filed under: 2008 Election, 2008 Presidential Election, Barack Obama, Blogs- Pro Wrestling, Hillary Clinton, John McCain, Politics, democrats, political satire, republicans | Tagged: American Trucker, big oil, Bill Clinton, Emily's List, Extreme Championship Wrestling, George W. Bush, Harrison Ford, Indiana Jones, pizza delivery, Pro Wrestling, Rush Limbaugh, Shania Twain, TNA, Total Nonstop Action Wrestling, Vince McMahon, World Wrestling Entertainment, WWE
