PCW Rewind- March 2005 Loose Cannons Unleashed

From the archives of year one of PCW, the very first PCW pay per view…

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“The American Screamer” Howard Dean sticks his head inside the office of Bill and Hillary Clinton. Dean tries to curry favor with the Clintons as he vies for the leadership of the Progressive Alliance. “If I’m in charge,” Dean brags, “I’ll cut through the American Patriots like hot knife through butter! I’ll take on George W. and all of his right-wing cronies.” Dean then ticks off a number of names including “The Texas Hammer” Tom DeLay, Candiloosa Ricearoni, the Bomb Brothers, “Mr. Old School” Don Rumsfeld, “The Mastermind” Karl Rove, and The God Squad of whom he’ll take on. Dean, getting more and more excited as he talks, tells the Clintons, “We’ll fight them in Westville! In Eagle Rock! Fulton! Shady Lake! Southriver! Danville! ALL THE WAY TO ULTIMATE VICTORY!” Dean adds his trademark yell, “YEEEEEE-AAAHHHH!………….what?………right, sir…I’ll tone it down a bit.” Dean backs out of the office. “Make a difference, huh?” he says with a determined scowl on his face, “Oh yeah. I can make a BIG difference. YEEEEEE-AAAHHHHHH!” “HOWARD!” yells an annoyed Bill Clinton from his office. “Right…forgot…sorry…,” Dean apologizes profusely.

The capacity crowd inside Hack’s chants ‘BCEW…BCEW!’ as Johnny Suave stands in the middle of the ring next to his co-host- a life size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. He introduces the ring announcer Charlene Ann Cantrell and she introduces the first match of the night.

Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, and Ann Coulter of the American Patriots vs. Al Franken, Michael Moore, and Janean Garofalo of the Progressive Alliance’s Hollywood Left wing.
“This is a six man tag team grudge match!” she says, “In this corner, representing the American Pa-” Garofalo interrupts her and reminds her that there are two women competing in the match. “I’m not a man,” she states and then points over to Ann Coulter, “and I’m sure the right-wing fascist toothpick over there isn’t a man …and she isn’t much of a woman either.” The match is about to begin when Ann Coulter, the woman who hates the Progressive Alliance so much that she could write book after book after book about how much she hates the Progressive Alliance……and she does, takes the mic from Charlene Ann Cantrell. “What’s the best way to talk to a liberal,” she asks. After a few seconds of awkward silence roll by she answers her own question. “As little as possible.” Coulter laughs heartily at her joke until Garofalo attacks her and starts a catfight. Both women roll around the ring before they tumble out on onto the floor and then scuffle all the way back to the locker room.

Then “The Spinbuster” Bill O’Reilly from the “no spinning zone” takes the mic and rips into the Progressive Alliance for “spouting the same old negative spin.” He begins to analyze the issue in a “fair and balanced” way when he is interrupted by Al Franken- host of “Al Franken presents the “Al Franken Factor Max Factor Factor starring Al Franken.” Franken tells O’Reilly that his “crack” staff consisting of left-wing college professors researched a comment O’Reilly made earlier in the night that he would be out in ‘just a minute’ and determined that because it took more than a minute for O’Reilly to appear that it was indisputable proof that O’Reilly and the American Patriots were nothing more than pathological lying, lying liars. Then the “Innovator of Excellence in Wrestling” Rush Limbaugh, El Rushbo, the Great One, all knowing, all seeing, the MahaRushbie, with talent on loan from Rob, gets into the action. “I’ve been meaning to ask you,” Franken says, “just who the hell is Rob?” “That’s not important,” Limbaugh replies. After trumpeting his research and superior show preparation, Limbaugh claims that Franken has made inaccurate statements about him. “You said, and I quote here, that I was nothing more than a ‘big, fat, obese idiot,” Limbaugh says pointing to his svelte, lean figure, “Well Mr. Franken, for your information everyone can plainly see that I am neither big, fat, or obese. Once again, you are wrong and I am right.” Then Michael Moore gets into the act. He claims that he has indisputable proof that Limbaugh is big, fat, and obese. He then rolls a film clip he calls “Refrigerate 9:11” which consists of a poorly spliced together piece that is awkwardly edited to portray Limbaugh as a hundred times larger than he really is.

Over the loudspeaker, the opening riffs to AC/DC’s “Highway to Hell” blares. Johnny Suave, joined by “The Texas Hammer” Tom DeLay of the American Patriots and Justin Sufferable from the Progressive Alliance, shouts out, “Is that who I think it is?” The crowd cheers as a man with a steel-folding chair runs to the ring. “IT’S DeWAYNE CANTRELL!” Suave yells. DeLay and Sufferable are less than thrilled. “What’s HE doing here,” grouses Sufferable. “Shouldn’t he be out hawking books?” sneers the Texas Hammer, “Isn’t he the so-called star of Loose Cannons of Buckland County? Cantrell climbs inside the ring and walks right up to Bill O’Reilly. *CLANG* Cantrell takes out O’Reilly with the steel-folding chair. *CLANG* Down goes Rush Limbaugh. Justin Sufferable loves every moment of it while DeLay throws a fit. “What the hell is he doing?” he complains. “Why is he only picking on the American Patriots?” Then Cantrell bumps into Al Franken. Franken smiles at Cantrell. Cantrell smiles right back. Awkward pause. Then… *CLANG* “HEY! WHAT’D HE DO THAT FOR?” a surprised Sufferable shouts. Franken staggers across the ring and barrels into Michael Moore. “THAT’S MORE LIKE IT!” crows DeLay. Moore and his large frame then get stuck in the ropes and he can’t get out. Cantrell slowly walks over to him. “Oh no…no…don’t do it.” Sufferable pleads while DeLay encourages Cantrell on. Cantrell winds up. *CLANG* Moore’s torso tips down causing his legs to come up and crotch Al Franken. Franken staggers back across the ring and conks head with Bill O’Reilly. The crowd shouts, “DTC…DTC…” as Moore’s body returns to its original position on the ropes and then they tell Cantrell to do it again. “That’s enough,” Justin Sufferable says, “He can’t move!” Cantrell winds up again and *CLANG*. Moore slides forward through the ropes and lands outside on the concrete floor. “DAMN YOU CANTRELL!” Justin Sufferable shouts. “UNBELIVABLE!” Suave observes from his ringside broadcast position, “DeWayne Cantrell comes in and totally cleans house!” “Oh shut up,” retorts Sufferable.

Green World Order Promo
With a cheap banner for Green World Order hanging behind her, Peta from PETA along with her companion, Doug the Dog, rips into dog owners who chain their pets to a “so-called dog house or worse- chain them to a pole in the back yard.” She makes it clear that PETA will not stand for this “cruel and inhumane” treatment and that dogs aren’t “some piece of disposable clothing” or “toys you throw away when you get tired of them.” “Dogs are people too,” argues Peta, “how would YOU like it if someone chained you up to a small dingy house with only a bowl of water to drink. How would you like it if someone chained you to a pole…well, unless you’re into that kind of thing.” Peta states that a dog’s life is just as important as her life and your life. Doug the dog barks in agreement.

Then she complains about the food that “you savages” feed dogs with, referring to it as “meat-based slop.” Peta recommends several wholesome and vegan alternatives instead. She guarantees that “once the GWO takes over” that all of these “abuses” will stop. “Dogs, cats, and all living things will live harmoniously together. Right Doug?” Again, Doug the dog barks in agreement. Then he takes off.

Peta then comments that her dog is her friend and doesn’t need a leash. “He is free to go wherever he wants to because he is a living, breathing, intelligent creature just like you and-” Suddenly, the sound of screeching tires is heard following by a *THUMP*, then a dog yelping, another *THUMP*, *THUMP*, a dog whimpering, then *THUMP, *THUMP*, *THUMP.* Peta stands there in shock before another *THUMP* is heard. Then she lets out a hideously shrill scream and runs off shouting “MURDERER! STOP THAT CAR!”

Michael Powell segment
With a long, long line of people patiently waiting, Buckland County Sheriff Gina “Gigi” Ramsey is shown signing copies of the book “Loose Cannons of Buckland County” as well as her pictorials, calendars, trading cards, and other assorted items from her souvenir stand. Then Johnny Suave introduces Michael Powell of the FCC. Powell immediately clarifies that he did not get the job at the FCC because of his famous father. “Yeah right,” retorts Suave who enjoys a beverage with the life-size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain next to him. Powell explains that George W. brought him to BCEW to clean up several problems. First Powell notes that there are some people in BCEW who use inappropriate and profane language. Powell pauses as the audience boos. Then Powell states that there were those who display lewd, crude, and deviant behavior. The crowd again expresses its displeasure. Powell goes on to note that there are wrestlers and managers who wear skimpy outfits to the ring. Powell declares, “I have come here to BCEW to lay down the law! It’s time to clean up the moral cesspool that BCEW has become!” The audience stands up in unison and boos. First, Powell states that anyone using inappropriate language on this show will be fined. More boos. Powell then says that anyone who acts inappropriately lewd, crude, or vulgar will also be fined. The audience begins to throw things into the ring. Powell continues: “And if you come out here wearing something too skimpy, too revealing, or otherwise inappropriate-” Someone from the audience yells out “%#@# you!” A furious Powell whips out a little pad and pencil and searches for the offender. The crowd continues to hurl expletives at the embattled Powell who threatens to fine “each and every person in the building.” “I’LL FINE YOU…AND YOU……AND ESPECIALLY YOU!” he shouts over the crowd who by then are chanting “@##$ you Mike-kell, @##@ you! “YOU CAN’T SAY THAT!” Powell bellows and furiously writes down names in his little notepad.

Over the loudspeaker, Christian, religious-type action music plays as the Pious Pair, Reverend James Dobson and his flunky Jerry Falwell aka The God Squad, hit the ring. Immediately Rev. Dobson tells the audience to shut up so he and Falwell can speak. The crowd won’t let him as the “@##$ you” boom throughout the building. Finally, Rev Dobson shouts, “FOR THE LAST TIME YOU GODLESS HEATHENS, SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN!” The boos and chants continue to cascade across the bar. Dobson gives up and yells into the mic, “WE JUST CAME OUT HERE TO SAY THAT THE GOD SQUAD SUPPORTS MICHAEL POWELL AND HIS NOBLE CRUSADE TO RID BCEW OF ALL DECADENCE ONE HUNDRED PERCENT!” Dobson also adds that the “hammer of God” is going to come down on all those who do not clean up their act. As they exit the ring, Dobson points at Johnny Suave and demands that he take down that “cheap piece of cardboard”- referring to the cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. Suave jumps in front of the cut-out and thankfully the next match gets underway.

“No Frills” Chris Escondido vs. Little Paulie of the American Bikers with his father Big Paulie in his corner.
Both men battle back and forth with no one gaining any appreciable advantage. Late in the match, Little Paulie appears to be ready to put Escondido away when inexplicably he gets into an argument with his father Big Paulie. Big Paulie gripes that Little Paulie is taking too much time to put his opponent away. “It’s the same old *bleep*,” Big Paulie grumbles, “If I want something *bleep*-ing done right I’ve got to do it myself!” Big Paulie gets into the ring and argues with Little Paulie in the corner. While the American Bikers are distracted, “The American Screamer” Howard Dean sneaks into the ring and blasts Little Paulie over the head with a crowbar. Little Paulie gets knocked into Big Paulie, Escondido immediately covers Little Paulie for the win.

Backstage, Tim Roemer watches with interest with his manager Nancy “the Attack Poodle” Pelosi. Pelosi advises Roemer that he’d better act fast if he wanted to be the new leader of the Progressive Alliance. Roemer notes that Dean thinks that he can impress the Clintons by being an impact kind of guy. “You know,” Roemer says, “I also can be an impact kind of guy!” “Meaning?” asks Pelosi. Roemer scratches his head. “Meaning…that…I can be an…impact kind of guy too?. What? Did I not say that right or something?”

Johnny Suave introduces a visitor to the broadcast set- Joe “Mr. Smut” Gardner. Gardner goes through his shtick, calling himself the “Quasi-quintessential Smut-muffin” and immediately becomes infatuated with the cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. “Well, well, well,” he says before Suave interrupts him. Gardner responds, “Hey, I’m in character here.” After Suave apologizes, Gardner then reads a special Valentine’s Day poem he wrote: “Roses are red. Violets are blue. Both of which always remind me of you.” “Not too bad,” Suave admits. “Your eyes and your smile. They brighten my day. Like a warm summer breeze that takes me away.” “Hey, that was pretty good too.” Suave says. “Like when the sheets in our bed were moist and wetting. After thirty minutes of heavy-” “All right, that’s enough!” Suave immediately stops him. “Aw come on!” Gardner protests but Suave tells him, “Yeah right. I knew it was too good to be true.”

Annoying Cell Phone Guy vs. Snott Flemmstein
The match is delayed several minutes as Annoying Cell Phone Guy is- talking on his cell phone. Finally, Flemmstein tires of waiting and unleashes a volley of phlegm balls hocked up from his unusually phlegm-filled throat knocking the cell phone out Phone Guy’s hand. Then, Flemmstein covers his opponent in a stream of nasal excretion from his unusually large nostrils and coats Annoying Cell Phone Guy in a cocoon of snot. Phone Guy submits in less than a minute. “That has to be one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever seen, “comments Suave and then adds, “and I’ve seen a lot of disgusting things.” Gardner clears his throat. A huge ball of phlegm drips off Gardner’s chin onto his shirt. “He didn’t get Shania did he?” Suave asks. “No,” Gardner replies as he wipes the phlegm off his shirt.

Backstage, Nancy Pelosi is totally beside herself as Tim Roemer returns. “What are you waiting for?” she implores Roemer. Roemer tells her it wasn’t the right time. “Wasn’t the right time?” Pelosi says, “What do you mean it wasn’t the right time? Tim, we don’t have that much time to-” Pelosi stops and stares as Annoying Cell Phone Guy slowly walks by. He is totally encased in snot, sloshes with every step he takes, and leaves a green and brown trail behind. Phone Guy shakes his cell phone trying to get it to work. “Can you hear me?” he says and then shakes the phone causing more green globs to fly out from inside of it. “Can you hear me now?” Pelosi quickly changes her mind and concurs with Roemer’s decision.

Cooter Farnsworth vs. Rick Spackel
The next match features two men who are huge NASCAR fans. Rick is a big Jeff Gordon fan and comes into the ring waving a huge Jeff Gordon flag. Cooter and many NASCAR firebrands hate Jeff Gordon- with a passion. Therein lies the conflict. The match begins and Cooter immediately rips the flag out of Spackel’s hands. Then he proceeds to repeatedly whap Spackel over the head with the flagpole. Then Cooter wraps the flag around Spackel’s neck and starts to choke him with it. “He is literally choking the life out of Rick Spackel!” Suave observes, “Jeez, I knew these NASCAR types take this seriously but…wow.” Cooter then rolls Spackel over and lifts up the Jeff Gordon flag. “Holy crap!” Suave exclaims, “I think we’re about to have a Deliverance moment! I think he’s going to stick that Jeff Gordon flagpole up Spackel’s-” Suddenly, Tim Roemer races down the aisle and leaps into the ring. He powerbombs Cooter. Then he jumps up onto the ring post and does a 450 flip splashing right on top of Farnsworth. Spackel gets up off the mat, turns Cooter over and tries to stick the Jeff Gordon flagpole up his behind. Roemer stops him and directs him to cover Cooter for the pin. Spackel covers. 1-2-3- match over. “There you have it,” Suave says, “a great come from *behind* victory…yeah, I know…that was bad…a good win for Jeff Gordon fan Rick Spackel.”

Inside “the American Screamer” Howard Dean’s dressing room, Dean watches with a barmaid as Roemer’s interference helps Spackel win the match. “Hmmm, I guess this means Tim Roemer means business! I guess it’s time to make it clear that I mean business too! YEEEEEE-AAAAHHHH!” “OW! My ear!” the barmaid responds. “Sorry…my bad,” Dean profusely apologizes.

Back in the ring, Charlene Ann Cantrell gets ready to introduce Charles Robinson-Richards, Blue State Esq. However, before she can do so, a commotion erupts ringside. A man dressed in a fedora and a trench coat next to some doofus wearing a “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt yells something at Charlene Ann. “REX RANDALL-PRIVATE EYE?” Suave calls out, “what is he doing here?” Suddenly, Charlene Ann reaches over the rope and literally drags Randall by his tie over the top rope into the ring leading to an impromptu match…

Charlene Ann Cantrell vs. Rex Randall, Private Investigator
In the rematch of their memorable scene from the book Loose Cannons of Buckland County, Randall once again clumsily propositions Charlene Ann with a lame pick up line about her being a chocolate sundae and him licking the chocolate syrup off of her. She plants a heeled shoe in his balls and then drills him with a stiff right hand sending Randall reeling to the canvas with no idea what just hit him. Cantrell covers. 1-2-3. Afterwards, Randall tries to shake the cobwebs out while his friend E. Ed Edwards stands over him and says “I told you Mr. Randall, but noooooo, you didn’t have to listen to me didn’t you? Noooo, you had to use that stupid pick up line again about chocolate syrup. That line hasn’t worked the other one hundred thirty-two times-…OOOOF!” Randall crotches Ed with a kick to the nether regions and Ed falls to the canvas.

After the hoopla dies down and both Randall and his sidekick Ed are scraped out of the ring, Charles Robinson-Richards, Blue State Esq. has the microphone. While sipping a cappuccino, he starts off by stating that he detests being in a “red state” where the people are “inbred, ignorant, redneck hicks” and clearly inferior to us enlightened people who live in the blue states. He then goes on to say that it’s a shame that it takes “you people” multiple jobs, working 45-55 hours a week, just to make as much in a year as he makes in one week. The crowd reacts by booing him and flipping him off. Robinson-Richards then says, “Even with that, you still can’t stop buying your cheap beer, your cigarettes, your meth, because you people file bankruptcy more than we do in the blue states.” He goes on to compare the high cultural lifestyle that the blue states have (Shopping at Sachs Fifth Avenue, operas, fine dining, champagne and caviar) vs. the red states (Wal-Mart, Blue Collar Comedy Tour, Hooters, PBR). The crowd really gets riled up when he says that the best thing the federal government could do is to declare what he considers to be flyover country (ie…everything between the west and east coast) a complete disaster area and turn it into a giant national park. Robinson-Richards further inflames the crowd by referring to two Americas: ‘Enlightenedland’- those who voted for John Kerry, ‘Jesusland’- those who voted for George W. Bush. At that point, DeWayne Cantrell appears again out of nowhere and gets a standing ovation after he blasts Robinson-Richards over the head with a steel folding chair. “I guess no one saw that one coming a mile away,” observes Suave.

Next, Suave interviews the Dixie Chucks. The Dixie Chucks are three men who each dress like a member of the Dixie Chicks. There’s Chuck-atalie, Chuck-mily, and Chuck-artie. Suave tells them that it’s been a “long time gone” since they’d last saw the Dixie Chucks and that he had a feeling that they came from “wide open spaces” to be there not because they’re “ready to run,” not because they wanted a “cowboy take me away” kind of thing. “You’re out here because there’s something bothering you,” concludes Suave, “am I right?” Chuck-atalie, not impressed with Suave’s wit, tells him to save it and claims that it is “an injustice what has been done to the Dixie Chicks.” “Oh, ‘there’s your trouble’” cracks Suave. Chuck-mily chimes in, “Free speech means free speech. What has happened to these lovely women is totally against the American way!” He also adds that people may not like what they have to say, “but you don’t have to.” Suave commends them on their noble sentiments. “I presume you’re referring to the recent comments made by Earl Locke of the tag team Locke and Loade about the Dixie Chicks and you would all like to say…oh, I don’t know…perhaps, ‘Goodbye Earl?’” This offends Chuck-artie who tell Suave he doesn’t appreciate his “smart-ass comments” and if he doesn’t stop he’ll take away the cardboard cut-out of “that no-talent singer who doesn’t belong on the same stage, who isn’t remotely in the same league as the Dixie Chicks.” Suave backs away and protects his cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. Chuck-artie points at the audience, “I’m putting you and everyone here in BCEW on notice. Anyone, I repeat, anyone who says anything bad about the Dixie Chicks from now on will answer to us.” Chuck-atalie adds: “That’s right. You say something bad about the Dixie Chicks. The Dixie Chucks are gonna KICK YOUR ASS!”

Suddenly, the opening riffs to Toby Keith’s “How Do You Like Me Now?” blare over the sound system and out comes Earl Locke and Gary Loade aka ‘The Raving Rednecks’ Locke and Loade. Locke comes out carrying a huge picture of Toby Keith and waves it in Chuck-atalie’s face. “WHO’S YOUR DADDY?” he screams, “HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?” “The BIG DOGS are here!” Loade says, “It’s time to Locke and Loade baby, Locke and Loade!” Suave then asks them to respond to the Dixie Chucks. Loade first compliments Suave on the cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. Then he tells the Dixie Chucks: “You come out talking all this tough talk about kicking people’s asses if they insult the Dixie Chicks. Hell the way y’all are dressed, I don’t think you’re in any position to kick anyone’s ass! If anything, we’ll put a boot in your ass cause that’s the Locke and Loade way!” The Dixie Chucks talk trash in return. Locke then speaks up. “Now hold on a sec Gary. I really don’t have that much of a problem with the way these guys are dressed.” “Oh?” a surprised Loade says. “Hell, the way I see it,” Locke continues, “in those outfits these guys look a hell of a lot better than the Dixie Chicks-” Immediately, the Dixie Chuck’s attack Locke and Loade and another impromptu match begins.

The Dixie Chucks vs. “The Raving Rednecks” Locke and Loade.
This is an all out free-for-all. No structure to the match. Basically five people beating the living hell out of each other. Chuck-atalie gets unceremoniously dumped out of the ring and then Chuck-mily is knocked woozy by some double team work by Locke and Loade. Chuck-artie is set up for Locke and Loade’s patented finisher- “The Redneck 4-D Death Blast.” Locke and Loade executes the maneuver to perfection and Chuck-artie is out. Loade covers and then… YEEEEE-AAHHHHH! “The American Screamer” Howard Dean runs in and distracts the referee. While Loade argues with Dean and the referee, Chuck-mily ties up with Locke and keeps him busy. Chuck-atalie sneaks back in the ring with the Toby Keith picture and blasts an unsuspecting Loade with it. Loade is out. Chuck-atalie covers and gets the pin.

Backstage, Nancy Pelosi stews as she watches Dean interfere in the match. “OOOH, that Howard Dean!” she whines, “Tim, are you going to let him one up you like that?” Roemer tells Pelosi that the leadership of the Progressive Alliance is important and prestigious and that Dean was obviously serious about showing the Clantons that “he can be the man.” Roemer adds, “I need to be able to show everyone that I can be ‘the man’ as well.” Again, Pelosi responds, “Meaning?” “Meaning…that…I can be…the man too?” replies Roemer, “Look. Am I not making myself clear here?”

Martha Stewart Returns
Domestic Diva Martha Stewart gets released from the Buckland County Jail. She comes out of the jail looking in excellent shape and wearing a ridiculous looking shawl. She proceeds to complain about being cooped up for five long months. Stewart states that “they tried to break me” and tried to keep busy by doing a couple of side projects to keep her mind active in a “neat and tidy” fashion.

After recognizing that there was only so much she could do with bedsheets and toilet papers (the doilies kept falling apart), a bored Stewart states she found a new outlet to keep busy. She rolls up her sleeves and shows off her impressively muscular arm. “Look at these guns,” Martha proclaims, “I’m ripped baby. I already had the brains but now I’ve got the brawn to back it up!” She then issues an open challenge to the BCEW women’s champion- Candiloosa Ricearoni. “You’ve got what I want,” Stewart declares, “that belt belongs to me and I will do anything, I repeat, ANYTHING to get it back.” Stewart then whips around and slides down the back of her shirt to reveal a Max Cady-like tattoo of a cRush on her back with the inscription “Hell hath no fury as a pissed off domestic diva” written around it. “And if you thought I was a cold calculating bitch before,” Martha hisses, “guess what? I’m about to take it to a whole…new…level.”

At that point a Buckland County Deputy slaps an electronic monitoring device on Stewart’s ankle. “The only whole new level you’ll be seeing in the next five months is the upstairs of your house. You’re under house arrest toots. That’s the condition of your parole.”

Enraged, Stewart lets off a few colorfully tinged adjectives and expletives as the Deputy drags her off to her waiting car to take the Domestic Diva home.

Special Appearance by Spongebob Squarepants
Back at the ring, Johnny Suave introduces lovable children’s cartoon character Spongebob Squarepants (or more accurately- some schlep dressed up in a Spongebob Squarepants costume). As everyone sings the Spongebob theme song, admit it-you all know it-(sing to the tune of the Spongebob theme song): Whoooo, lives in the ocean so far down below/SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS/His neighbor’s a squid and he simply blows/SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS/His boss is a weenie and Sandy kicks ass/SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS/His best friend’s a shellfish who likes to pass gas/SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS..- the God Squad’s Reverend James Dobson comes in and blasts Spongebob from behind. “WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING?” a shocked Suave says. The Rev. Dobson takes a brief moment from pummeling the helpless cartoon character and warns him to knock it off. “JESUS CHRIST!” Suave exclaims, “WHY IS HE BEATING UP ON A FREAKIN’ CHILDREN’S CARTOON CHARACTER!” Dobson looks Suave in the eye and tells him to out of the ring now. Suave yells back, “***DAMMIT! THIS ISN’T RIGHT!” “SUAVE!” “Leaving now.” Suave quickly exits stage right.

Rev. Dobson then gets on the microphone and asks, “Does anyone here know Spongebob?” After the crowd begins to boo he continues, “you may think this…this so-called character is harmless. But he’s not. Spongebob is another insidious plot hatched by people who want to promote alternative lifestyles by manipulating and brainwashing our children!” “I think the Reverend needs to get his medication checked,” shoots back Suave back at his broadcast position. Spongebob stirs briefly before a quick boot to the head by Dobson puts him back down. “THAT’S UNCALLED FOR!” screams Suave. Dobson begins to taunt Spongebob. “Come on! Get up!” He slaps him in the face. “Come on! Where’s your little friend? You know, the one you hold hands with?” Suave looks sick. “Someone please stop this.” The crowd stirs and a sound effect of someone farting comes over the loudspeakers. Suddenly, Patrick the Flatulating Shellfish (or more accurately-someone dressed up in a costume) appears. “That’s right!” Dobson sneers, “get in the ring! Come save your friend!” The Shellfish hesitates before climbing up the ropes. Then he takes the head of his costume off. “IT’S TIM ROEMER!” Suave exclaims. Dobson’s jaw drops as Roemer tosses the head aside and gets into the ring. A stunned Dobson takes a few retreating steps before tripping over the prone Spongebob and falls backwards onto the canvas. Roemer then backs up to Dobson and puts his rear to his face. “OH NO!” Suave says, “HE’S NOT GOING TO-” The farting sound effect plays again. “HOLY CRAP!”

Backstage, “The American Screamer” Howard Dean is seething again after being upstaged again by Tim Roemer. He shakes his finger at the monitor and says, “THIS ISN’T OVER YET!” Then he lets out his trademark scream “YEEEEEEE-AAAAAAHHHH!” and skulks off.

We return to ringside where Johnny Suave appears to be in deep conversation with the Shania Twain cardboard cut-out. Suave turns beet red when he realizes he’s on camera. Suave quickly brings out the BCEW women’s champion Candiloosa Ricearoni to discuss comments about her made by the Progressive Alliance’s Barbara Boxer including accusing the women’s champion of lying, distorting the facts, and most egregiously, being a lousy dresser.

Ricearoni comes out dressed all in black with a black skirt that hits just above the knee and a black coat with seven gold buttons in the front that resembled something that Keanu Reeves would wear in the movie “The Matrix. Looking very serious, she addresses Boxer, “Barbara Boxer, you can challenge my credibility,” she says walking to one end of the ring. “You can even attack my honesty,” she says pacing to the other side of the ring. “I’ll even let you question my intregrity.” She stops in the middle of the ring and points at the crowd. “But when you attacked my keen sense of fashion- you went too far. You cRushed the line and now you’re going to pay!” The crowd cheers as she calls out Boxer, “So get your *** down here because Candiloosa 3:16, 17, and 18 says that I’m going to stick these four inch heels so far up your ****** *** that you won’t be able to **** ****** for two weeks!” “WOW,” a very surprised Suave says, “she’s stone…cold…serious.” Boxer immediately flies into the ring and launches herself at Ricearoni and its on.

BCEW Women’s Champion Candiloosa Ricearoni vs. Barbara Boxer
Both women roll around the ring trying to gain an advantage. Then “The Texas Hammer” Tom DeLay and his flunky Dennis “The Doughboy” Hastert show up. They get into the ring and surround Boxer as another man shows up ringside- pointing his finger at his temple to signify his superior intellect. “The Mastermind Karl Rove?” Suave says, “It’s a trap. This was all a set up!” Boxer has nowhere to go when help arrives. Both Howard Dean and Tim Roemer run out to help their Progressive Alliance colleague and literally meet each other in the middle of the ring. At that point, DeLay, Hastert, and Ricearoni bail out of the ring leaving the two men who both desperately want to lead the Progressive Alliance nose to nose. The Mastermind Karl Rove smiles as he walks backwards towards the dressing room- still pointing to his temple to show everyone what a freakin’ genius he is.

Dean pushes Roemer. Roemer pushes Dean. It looks like they are about to have at it when the entire roster of the Progressive Alliance led by Bill Clinton swarm the ring and break the two men up.

In George W.’s office, both W. and his aide de camp Dick are amused at the whole thing. Dick hands W. his speech for the State of BCEW address he is about to give. “Thanks,” an appreciative W. says to Dick, “I sure don’t know what I’d do without you.” “That’s okay,” Dick returns, “I know in a Star Wars sense that I’m your Lobot and you’re my Lando Calrissian.” W. looks totally confused. “Lando who?” “Ah, nevermind.” Dick says, ‘just go out and give your speech.”

George W’s “State of BCEW” address.
A ragtag, out of tune mariachi band plays a hideously off-key version of “Hail to the Chief” as George W. slowly walks down the aisle. W. cringes every time the band hits a particularly sour note. The entire roster gathers around the ring. The Progressive Alliance hang out on the left side of the ring (of course) and look on in stony silence. The American Patriots stand to the right and they are ecstatically happy. Everyone else co-mingles in the middle, half heartedly clapping.

W. climbs into the ring and walks to the podium. “Ladies and gentlemen, I can proudly say without any reservation that the state of BCEW is strong!” W. declares. “For a small, disparate group several notches below the Professional Wrestling Association, we’ve had a pretty good year. But now we are poised to do even better.” A projection screen comes down behind W. “BCEW is well-positioned with a great and worthy men’s champion to be our flagship and signature wrestler- Rafael Barry Giambee! It’s hard to believe that two years ago, he looked like this.” The ‘before’ photo of Giambee appears on the screen. He is 6’-2” and weighs a scant 175. “Now look at him,” continues W. The ‘after’ photo then appears. Giambee is now 6’-3” and over 350 pounds. The crowd chants “ROIDS! ROIDS! ROIDS!” which enrages the man monster. Giambee growls menacingly back to the audience. “Easy pardner,” W. says and then tries to calm the crowd down, “Rafael Barry Giambee should be an inspiration to us all. The way he has worked his way up the ladder and to be the-” “Point of order,” a snobbish, northeastern voice calls out. It’s the Massachusetts Blueblood- JFK!” observes Suave. “Point of order Mr. CEO,” JFK continues, “if what you say is true then I must submit to you that the true measure of a great champion is taking on the best of the best and besting them…or something to that effect.” “What’s your point?” an annoyed W. asks. “When was the last time Mr. Giambee defended the BCEW title?” JFK asks. A few seconds of silence goes by and then many people in the audience begin to ask the same thing. “How about Justin Sufferable?” JFK says, “he deserves a shot. What about Chris Escondido? Doesn’t he deserve his chance too?” The crowd begins to side with the Massachusetts Blueblood making W. very uncomfortable. “Well, why not tonight?” JFK continues, “what do you all think?” The crowd roars with delight. “Well Mr. CEO,” JFK says, “are you going to give the people what they want?” W. bites his lower lip nervously. “Bring your boys out here in ten minutes,” he says and then walks out of the ring.

Chris Escondido, Justin Sufferable, and JFK exchange high fives in the ring.

Back in W’s office after the speech, W. stomps in very upset at the intrusion of his State of BCEW address. Dick and the Mastermind Karl Rove confer and then address the problem. “Mr. CEO, not to worry,” Dick says reassuringly, “we’ve got everything under control.” Dick then whispers into W’s ear. W’s frown quickly turns into a big smile. “That’s very good,” W says and begins to laugh in his offbeat Texan way while Karl Rove again points his finger at his temple to remind us that he’s a friggin’ genius.

Green World Order vs. The Bomb Brothers with Daisy Cutter Bomb
In the ring, the Green World Order (the Vengeful Vegan Brock Cole Lee and the Peaceniks) observes the passing of the 2nd anniversary of the Iraqi war by having a moment of silence. During the moment of silence, Peacenik #1 rants about the “lives lost in this unjust and illegal war” and demands that the United States “bring the troops home now.” The sound of an explosion blares over the loudspeakers and the very well-endowed and scantily dressed Daisy Cutter-Bomb leads the Bomb Brothers (A. Tom Bomb, Newt Tron-Bomb, and Hy Drogen-Bomb) down the aisle to the ring. A. Tom holds up a placard with a picture of President Bush holding up a can of whup-ass with the caption “Y’all don’t mind if I open up a can of this?” The GWO becomes irate at the placard and Peacenik #2 screeches at them, “How dare you interrupt our solemn moment of silence.” “Let’s just say that we’ve come out here to peacefully and non-violently kick your ass!” retorts Newt. “THAT’S IT!” a voice booms. It’s Michael Powell of the FCC and he looks angry. “Jeez, what the hell does he want now,” Suave says. Powell marches to the ring and proceeds to read everyone the riot act. Powell objects to the language, Daisy Cutter-Bomb’s outfit, and whips out his little pad and pencil to begin to write people up. “NOT SO ******* FAST!” another voice calls out. Powell looks up and is stunned to see his arch-enemy- the Sultan of Shock himself- Howard Stearns. They begin to jaw back and forth. Powell tries to uphold “dignity” and “values.” Everything that Stearns says in return is bleeped and censored. Finally Stearns says something that gets Powell’s attention. “What do you mean ‘you’re getting Sirius?” Powell asks. Suddenly the SRB appears next to Stearns. “IT’S THE SKANKY RICH BIMBOS!” Suave cries out, “PARIS HILTON AND NICOLE RICHIE HAVE JOINED FORCES WITH THE SULTAN OF SHOCK!” The crowd begins to chant, “she’s a crack whore…she’s a crack whore…” Paris responds. “You all are just jealous. Because *we* sizzle. You……ah……you…” Stearns whispers something in her ear. “…right…you *fizzle*.” Hilton and Richie get into the ring to confront Powell. Suddenly, Richie goes for her signature move and pulls her top off. “WARDROBE MALFUNCTION!” Suave yells, “WARDROBE MALFUNCTION!” While Powell is stunned, Hilton leaps on him and knocks him down into the corner of the ring. Then she puts her crotch in Powell’s face and does a “bronco buster” type wrestling move on him. “COOTCHIE CUTTER!” screams Suave in a high-pitched voice, “COOTCHIE CUTTER!” Then Suave throws up. “Oooh man. That has got to be the most vile, digusting move I have ever seen!” He then adds, “And I’ve seen a lot of them.” Powell is out in the ring. Meanwhile, the GWO and the Bomb Brothers go at it on the outside. Then the pious pair, the God Squad- Rev. Dobson and Jerry Falwell- hits the ring and attacks the SRB. Richie is knocked out and falls face first onto the canvas. The crowd boos. Rev. Dobson then bends Paris over his knee while Falwell gets ready to spank her. The crowd cheers. A lot. A tall guy with long hair bursts in and clobbers Falwell. The crowd boos again. “IT’S UNIVERSITY OF COLORADO PROFESSOR WARD CHURCHILL!” Suave exclaims. Churchill sends Rev. Dobson flying over the top rope and then takes the mic. “YOU SUCK,” he shouts at the God Squad, “AND YOU SUCK,” he shouts at the Bomb brothers, “AND YOU ALL SUCK,” he shouts and points at the crowd. “You know why 9/11 occurred? Because AMERICA SUCKS, that’s wh-” Out of nowhere, DeWayne Cantrell blasts Churchill from behind and knocks him forward into the arms of a six foot tall demolition machine in a short skirt. “THAT’S DAWN McGILL!” Suave says excitedly, “BUT SHE’S WITH THE PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING ASSOCIATION! WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING HERE?” McGill drills Churchill in the balls where her six inch spiked heels. Then Cantrell delivers the coup de gras with a steel-folding chair shot across Church-Hill’s back. “Geez what is this,” Suave rhetorically asks as Churchill goes flying out of the ring, “Loose Cannons of Buckland County reunion night?”

Finally, the Massachusetts Blueblood JFK comes out with Justin Sufferable and Chris Escondido and meets George W. in the ring. “No Rafael Barry Giambee,” Johnny Suave observes, “I wonder what’s going on.” So does JFK. “Where’s the champion?” he demands to know. “Hold on a sec,” W responds, “yes, I promised there would be a title defense tonight. And there will be.” W. pauses to let the crowd cheer. “But since I’m a compassionatery kinda guy, I thought we’d do something different. Like…I don’t know…give YOU the title shot tonight!” Everyone stands up and cheers as JFK is taken aback. “WOW! I didn’t expect THAT!” says Suave, “Justin Sufferable and Chris Escondido are pissed!” The duo stalks angrily back and forth across the ring. W. continues: “And if you going to go for the gusto, why waste your one and only opportunity to be world champion on an insignificant BCEW title belt.” “Huh?” a confused Suave says, “what does he mean?” W. gets his trademark smirk on. “JFK. I think you can do better than that. In the spirit of my “no wrestler left behind” program, I’m giving you’re the chance of a lifetime. You’re going to wrestle for the PWA world championship!” A heavy metal riff suddenly blares over the sound system and the place explodes. “HOLY CRAP!” shouts Johnny Suave, “THAT CAN’T BE WHO I THINK IT IS?” JFK looks confused as the enthused crowd starts to sing to the theme music, “WORK! SWEAT! PERSPIRE! WORK-SWEAT-PERSPIRE!” “HE’S NOT REALLY HERE- IS HE?” Suave asks. The crowd goes nuts when two figures appear at the entrance. Suave gushes, “HOLY CRAP! HE’S HERE! HE’S HERE! IT’S RON CLAUDE VAN DAMMIT. RCVD IS HERE!” “WORK! SWEAT! PERSPIRE! WORK-SWEAT-PERSPIRE!” chants the crowd as the six foot tall demolition machine in a short skirt Dawn McGill leads RCVD to the ring. JFK looks stunned when he gets his first good look at Van Dammit. RCVD is cut, chiseled, and a complete physical specimen- a total wrestling machine. Justin Sufferable and Chris Escondido quickly bail out of the ring and run right over to Johnny Suave’s broadcast position. JFK is left all alone. “HE CAN’T WRESTLE HIM!” Sufferable complains as RCVD jumps into the ring. “HE’S A REAL FAKE WRESTLER!” “RCVD is the hardest working guy in pro wrestling,” Suave gushes, “He is the ABSOLUTE FREAKIN’ SHOW!” Van Dammit warms up by doing leg splits and various martial art leaping kicks. JFK mouths “Oh…my…God” as the bell rings.

“The Absolute Whole Freakin’ Show” Ron-Claude Van Dammit with Dawn McGill vs. The Massachusetts Blueblood JFK
RCVD defeats the Massachusetts Blueblood in fourteen seconds.

JFK lies in pain on the floor and mumbles incoherently, “Aye…aye…aye…” “THIS IS NOT RIGHT!” whines Chris Escondido, “IT’S A TRAVESTY! A COMPLETE TRAVESTY!” A disgusted Justin Sufferable huffs: “YEAH! MARK MY WORDS! SOMEONE IS GOING TO PAY FOR THIS! ”

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