Quick recap of the end of Lock and Load 3 where ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann and his new corporation (Randy ‘Road Rage’ Richardson aka Quadruple R…because Quadruple is better than Triple…, Kathryn Randall Collins, Bradley Scott Wilson Esq., and Richard Emerson Brantley III) disrupt the PCW Four-Way Title match between champion Starz N. Stripes (American Patriots), O’Beck Bahama (Progressive Alliance), Nic Koteen of Politically Incorrect (Libertarian), and ‘Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee of the Green World Order (Green). McMann’s corporation get their collective asses kicked by the four participants in the title match and make a hasty retreat.
Mr. McMann sits in his office. Quadruple R paces manically back and forth. He’s pissed off and ready to go back out and fight some more. McMann tries to calm him down. Quadruple R reminds him that he was promised the PCW title. McMann again tries to settle him down. Quad R then stomps out. McMann: “If I’m going to succeed in my ambitious plans to take over and remake PCW in my image, we’re going to need more firepower.” McMann dials the phone.
Suave comes on and announces that Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews from MSNBC are going to be joining him this week. But he can’t seem to find them.
PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE CONVENTION RECAP
Suave recaps the official unveiling of the Obama-Biden ticket. Joe Biden comes out to a modest introduction. Then Obama is brought out. He’s riding in a carrier held up by two men. Suave recognizes the two. Suave: “Hey! Isn’t that? Yes! HOLY CRAP! Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann are carrying Barack Obama into the hall!” Matthews and Olbermann take Obama to the podium while rose petals are tossed down in their path. A large horn fanfare heralds Obama’s speech and Matthews and Olbermann both watch, doe-eyed. Matthews: “When I listen to Obama speak, I can feeling something tingling down my leg.” Suave: “That’s just wrong…”
Afterwards, Olbermann and Matthews gush effusively about the speech.
MATCH #1- PCW TV TITLE MATCH- FUBAR © w/Dr. Bill vs. SNAFU
As promised, FUBAR gives his good friend SNAFU the first shot at his PCW TV Title. Quick paced match which sees FUBAR retaining the title via pin.
FUBAR and SNAFU shake hands afterwards. *“YEEEE-AAHHHH!”* Someone attacks FUBAR from behind. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! IT’S THE AMERICAN SCREAMER HOWARD DEAN! AND THAT’S ‘NO FRILLS’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO!” Escondido, the former PCW TV champion, joined the Progressive Alliance at Lock and Load and he wants the title back. Dean gets on the mic and runs down FUBAR, calling him nothing more than a pathetic jobber. Dean: “It’s only a matter of time before ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido defeats FUBAR and restores credibility to the PCW TV title and the Progressive Alliance will reign supreme over PCW.”
AMERICAN PATRIOTS CONVENTION RECAP
‘Straight Shootin’ John McCain announces the selection of Sarah Palin as his aide de camp, surprising…well…everyone. Olbermann and Matthews join Suave. Matthews is puzzled by the choice. Olbermann breaks off a nasty shot at Palin’s 17 year old daughter who happens to be pregnant. McCain gives his speech and Olbermann continues a string of snarky, smug, and condescending commentary as he goes along.
After the speech, Olbermann says McCain sucks and apologizes for the fact that McCain’s speech sucked. He adds that the video tribute to McCain sucks and apologizes for exploiting the images of a candidate who was a dead man walking. He adds the American Patriots sucks; people suck who aren’t obviously not at the same intellectual level as he is because they’re stupid enough to support the American Patriots, and most of all Bill O’Reilly sucks. Suave: “Well, so much for being unbiased. I guess compared to MSNBC, Fox News is actually fair and balanced.
Olbermann stomps over to Suave and confronts him. Suave doesn’t back down and compares what they’re doing to Obama to what Monica Lewinsky did for… Olbermann explodes and calls him…THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD! Olbermann: “How dare you compare me unfavorably to Fox News…OOFFFF!” Suave: “IT’S BILL O’REILLY!” O’Reilly throws Olbermann into the ring and flails away at him. A referee runs down and the bell rings. Suave: “WE’VE GOT AN IMPROMPU MATCH!”
MATCH #2 MSNBC’S KEITH OLBERMANN (Progressive Alliance) with Hardball Chris Matthews vs. BILL O’REILLY (American Patriots) of Fox News
Suave: “Here we go again! Another battle between two of the most extreme political personalities you’ll find here in PCW.” Olbermann charges O’Reilly, but he bails to the floor. The No-Spin Factor climbs back in and smirks at Olbermann. Olbermann pops him with a short left and O’Reilly heads back out again. Olbermann yells at the referee to get him back in the ring…or as he put it, “get him back in the ring, DAMMIT!” Olbermann becomes frustrated with O’Reilly’s stalling on the apron. The Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon crowd counts along with the referee to eight before O’Reilly slides back into the ring. Olbermann takes a wild swing at O’Reilly and misses. O’Reilly climbs out on the apron again and composes himself as Olbermann continues to swing at him. O’Reilly back in but gets caught by a spinning back kick right to the jaw. Olbermann tries to drive him down to the mat, but O’Reilly stands up with Olbermann hanging on his back and flips him off to the canvas. O’Reilly heads to the floor again and while Olbermann pouts like the prima donna, arrogant personality that he is. O’Reilly comes back in and flips Olbermann off, prompting more yelling from the MSNBC Countdown host. Olbermann charges again and another bail-out from O’Reilly.
MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow confronts O’Reilly on the floor. O’Reilly distracted, Hardball Matthews grabs steel-folding chair and waffles him with it. Crowd: “PCW…PCW!” Maddow and Matthews stomp away at the No-Spin Factor. Olbermann grabs the mic and taunts O’Reilly. The crowd boos. Olbermann tells them to shut their mouth and screams at O’Reilly. He calls the audience blind sheep and promises to put O’Reilly and the Fox News into a box. Matthews holds O’Reilly down as Olbermann climbs to the top of the corner turnbuckle. The crowd suddenly stands. A portly man jogs into the ring. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! IT’S CNN’S LOU DOBBS! AND HE’S GOT A STEEL-FOLDING CHAIR!”
Dobbs to the corner. *WHAP* Suave: “YES! Olbermann’s down!” Olbermann falls backwards off the top rope and lands back first on the canvas. Dobbs takes the mic and tells Olbermann ‘that one’s for my children whom you attacked because of my political views.’ Dobbs tells him he’s ‘hanging by a highly medicated thread’ much to the crowd’s delight. Dobbs: “You know, I might be the worst person in the world. But you, my friend, are the BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG A-HOLE IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE!”
“A fast-paced storyline laced with some of the best political satire I’ve read in quite some time, where no side (left or right, or even the luke-warm middle) is safe. In it, this book combines Pro Wresting, Humor and Politics for a down-right entertaining read…and maybe, just maybe, a few common sense solutions. ” – author Terry W. Ervin II
There are books that you curl up on a warm couch to read. This isn’t one of them.
Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction is a political satire for everyone fed up with the political status quo, an independent call to arms, a rowdy, hard-hitting, no holds barred novel that finally puts politics in proper perspective- by equating it to professional wrestling.
A dark cloud has covered the American political landscape. The powerful forces of professional partisans, political operatives, and special interest groups have combined to polarize the electorate into two bitterly divided extreme camps while many people tune out of the political process altogether.
Co-owner with Bubba Jackson of the world’s only political pro wrestling federation, Buckland County Extreme Wrestling, DeWayne Cantrell, a reformed politician, skewers the political world weekly on their BCEW wrestling show. BCEW is: Political. Hardcore. Extreme. Wrestling or PHEW!- accurately describing the current state of American politics.
But when powerful United States Senator David Hutchinson gets wind of the show, DeWayne finds himself being subpoenaed to appear before a Senate sub-committee on the ‘Media and Their Contribution to the Coarseness of the American Culture.’ After a heated exchange with Senator Hutchinson at the contentious hearing, Cantrell suddenly throws his hat in the political ring and challenges Hutchinson for his Senate seat.
Can DeWayne stand up for the little guy against the establishment of both political parties and stick it to the Washington D.C. elites?
To what lengths will the professional politicians and their special interest groups go to stop him?
And will American politics ever be the same?
Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction is available at various online bookstores. Check out this funny and occasionally biting political satire online at Lulu.com, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Borders, and Books A-Million. Or you can order it direct from: Prairie Depot Press/P.O. Box 25/Wauseon, Ohio 43567
Official Press Release from Prairie Depot Press
MATCH #3 PCW TITLE MATCH- ‘The Original Rookie Sensation’ STARZ N. STRIPES © w/John McCain (American Patriots) vs. ‘The New Rookie Sensation’ O’BECK BAHAMA w/Barack Obama (Progressive Alliance)
‘The New Rookie Sensation’ continues to show his quick improvement in the ring and actually outwrestles the PCW champion early on. Bahama chops Starz. Bad move. Drop toe hold followed by an elbow drop puts Bahama back on the defensive. Starz hits a rolling elbow and nearly knocks Bahama out cold. Facelock by Starz. Nice counter by Bahama avoids an armdrag, and he plants Starz down on his face. Bahama rolls backward gets a two count. Bahama with an elbow. He charges to the corner and eats a kick from the PCW champion. Starz throws him out to the floor. McCain comes up from behind and wraps a television cable around Bahama’s neck. Suave: “Way…whoa…what is John McCain doing?” Starz slaps Bahama around. He jumps on the barricade and lands a flying forearm.
Back in the ring, Bahama fights his way forward and suplexes Starz. Bahama dropkick sends the champion into the corner. Starz blocks the Tiger Driver and reverses into a powerbomb. Cover for two. Reverse again and Bahama gets two off the Cradle Backbreaker, but McCain saves Starz by putting his foot on the ropes. Obama yells over at McCain. McCain yells back and then reaches in and trips Bahama, which allows Starz to hit another flying elbow. Suave notes the increasingly aggressive tactics John McCain is employing.
Libertarian Bob Barr walks out with Politically Incorrect’s Nic Koteen, Pith Lord Darth (Ralph) Nader, and ‘Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee and demands to know why neither Koteen or Lee were included in tonight’s match. Suave notes that both men were screwed out of their PCW title shot at Lock and Load 3. Nader pithily observes ‘this proves there’s no difference between the American Patriots and the Progressive Alliance!” Bahama turns away from Starz to see what the commotion is. Starz charges and crunches Bahama into the ropes and then flips him over his head. One…two…three. Suave: “Again, the PCW champion is able to outsmart the younger, inexperienced O’Beck Bahama and…HOLY CRAP!” Cut to Barack Obama lying on the floor and John McCain walking away with a Singapore cane in hand.
Immediately, Arianna Huffington and the Angry Left Wing Bloggers (Paul Krugman, Daily Kos, Media Matters For America, and Eric Alterman) charge the ring and McCain disappears in a swarm of unhappy liberal activists. Then Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, Sean Hannity, and…Sarah Palin run out. Palin has a hockey stick and starts wailing away and it completely breaks down as all the members of the Progressive Alliance and American Patriots stream out to join the fray.
Suave: “I…I don’t believe it. This was going to be different. This contest was going to aspire to be more than doing anything to win. This wasn’t going to be the same old, same old…”
Filed under: 2008 Election, 2008 Presidential Election, Barack Obama, Blogs- Pro Wrestling, democrats, John McCain, political satire, Politics, republicans | Tagged: Al Franken, Ann Coulter, Arianna Huffington, Bill O'Reilly, Chris Matthews, corporate world, Countdown with Keith Olbermann, Daily Kos, Dr. Phil, Hardball, Howard Dean, joe biden, Keith Olbermann, lipstick on a pig, Lou Dobbs, MSNBC, Norm Coleman, Paul Krugman, Pro Wrestling, Rachel Maddow, Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin, Sean Hannity, TNA, Total Nonstop Action Wrestling, Vince McMahon, Weapons of Mass Destruction, weapons of mass political destruction, World Wrestling Entertainment, WWE | Leave a Comment »