12/18- PCW Completely Deranged: Coleman vs. Franken III Steel Cage Ladder Deathmatch Ends in Major Controversy

PCW COMPLETELY DERANGED- December 18th from Minneapolis, Minnesota. HOST: Johnny Suave

PCW OVERVIEW (for the uninitiated)

Johnny Suave and his sidekick, a life size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain at the recent CMA’s…

…are in the ring.

Suave: HELLO AND WELCOME TO PCW COMPLETELY DERANGED ON P-SPAN!” Crowd: “PCW…PCW…PCW!” Suave: “WE ARE LIVE FROM MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA FOR TONIGHT’S MATCH THAT WILL SETTLE THIS THING ONCE AND FOR ALL BETWEEN NORM COLEMAN OF THE AMERICAN PATRIOTS AND AL FRANKEN OF THE PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE!” Crowd: “PCW…PCW…PCW!” Suave: “I’d like to give a quick shout out to Chris Stellar from Minnesota Independent.com who’s here watching this madness tonight. All right, we’ve got-” Arianna Huffington and the Angry Left Wing Bloggers (Eric Alterman, Daily Kos, Paul Krugman, and Media Matters For America) walk out. Suave: “Well, what a pleasant surprise. What brings you-” Arianna: “Save it, Suave. I’m upset. We…are upset. Suave: “Okay. What about?” Arianna: “What about? You know darn well what we’re upset about. Her.” Suave: “Sarah Palin?” Arianna: “We’re upset about her too. But she’s not the one we’re upset about now.” Suave: “OHHHHH. I think I’ve got it…”

REPLAY- 12/16 PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV:

…Obama: “And least, but not least, in lieu of Mr. McMann’s concerns and the actions taken by Domination Inc. over the past few months, I have decided to appoint a Security Director for PCW. Would the new PCW Security Director please come out?” A spotlight illuminates the back. ‘Six Foot Tall Demolition Machine in a Short Skirt’ Dawn McGill comes out. Mr. McMann looks shocked. Suave: “YES! OH HELL, YES!”…

…Obama: “You see, Mr. McMann. She may be a member of the American Patriots. But I’m determined to put the best people in the right spots. Dawn McGill is the right person for this job.” McGill climbs in the ring and walks over to Obama. They shake hands and then McGill leaves…

Suave: “So, what’s the problem?” Arianna: “What’s the problem? We just got done working to get Barack Obama selected to be the new PCW CEO and he goes out and brings in Dawn McGill, a member of the American Patriots, to be PCW’s Security Director! How could hire a member of the American Patriots to such an important position?” Suave: “Because she’s qualified?” Arianna: That’s doesn’t matter. She’s the enemy. She’s on the same side as…as…him.” Suave: “George W?” Arianna: “Yes! Why couldn’t Obama pick someone from the Progressive Alliance to head up our security?” Suave: “Because no one was as qualified as Dawn McGill?” Arianna: “That’s irrelevant! That’s…that’s…” Suave: “ButI thought Obama was about change we could believe in.” For once, Arianna is speechless. She starts to respond. Then her face turns bright red. Arianna: “HUMPH!” Then she spins and stomps away with the Angry Left Wing Bloggers in tow.

Suave: “Last week on PCW Extreme Political TV from Alaska, PCW Television Champion Chris Escondido and Dave the Mechanic wrestled for the title but the match was interrupted by Dr. Bill and SNAFU.

LAST WEEK ON PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV IN ALASKA:

Suave: “ANKLE LOCK! ANKLE LOCK!” Dave fights it and tries to pull his way to the ropes. Run in by SNAFU and he blasts Escondido with a chair. Suave: “IT’S SNAFU AND DR. BILL!”
*
SNAFU whiffs on a second chair shot. Escondido takes him down and puts SNAFU in the ankle lock. Suave: “ANKLE LOCK! ANKLE LOCK!” SNAFU immediately taps out and pounds the ring canvas. Dr. Bill limps up to the ring edge, holding his crutches with one hand. Suave: “That’s really not a good idea! *WHACK* HOLY CRAP! DR. BILL JUST CRACKED ESCONDIDO OVER THE HEAD WITH HIS CRUTCH!” Escondido stumbles back. Then his head clears and he sees Dr. Bill. Dr. Bill’s eyes widen. Escondido grabs him and flips Dr. Bill over the top rope. Then he grabs his good ankle and puts him in an ankle lock. Suave: “ANKLE LOCK! ANKLE LOCK! ANKLE LOCK!” Dr. Bill pounds the mat with his fists. SNAFU sees him…and something changes. He sets a chair up. He whips himself against the ropes, jumps from the chair onto the top rope, and then jumps back and nearly takes Escondido’s head off. Escondido lands flat on his back. Dr. Bill grabs his good ankle in pain. SNAFU folds the chair and hits the Arabian Facebuster on Escondido.

Suave: “Dr. Bill suffered another broken ankle last week. Now, let’s see if Escondido and Dave can get a match in.”

MATCH #1 PCW TELEVISION TITLE MATCH: ‘No Frills’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO © (Progressive Alliance) vs. DAVE the MECHANIC (Joe Sixpacks)

Escondido opens up with chops. Dave tires of that and takes the leg. He tries for the STF but Escondido blocks it. Dave then sneaks in the first cheap shot with a knee to the head while Escondido was in the ropes. Escondido fires back with lefts and rights. Hip toss. Escondido opens up a bit with some heavy kicks. Dave fires back with chops. Dave catches the TV Champ with a flying knee and a lariat. Cover. 1…2…easy kick out. Dave puts Escondido in the Surfboard. Escondido escapes and blasts Dave with a diving forearm. Escondido breaks out an atomic drop. He climbs up the corner turnbuckle. Swan dive headbutt! Escondido covers. 1…2…kick out by Dave. Dave forearms Escondido in the jaw! Monkey flip…but Escondido reverses and slingshots Dave into the ropes. Suave: “Tell you what, Dave may not win this match but he’s really come a long, long way.”

Again, Escondido with chops. Irish whip off the ropes. Suave: “GUTWRENCH SUPLEX BY ESCONDIDO!” He follows with a belly to belly suplex. Then a Northern Lights suplex. Suave: “Escondido is breaking out the suplexes tonight.” Dave’s in trouble. Hammerlock by Escondido. Snapmare take down. Dave up. Knee to the gut by Escondido. Bulldog. Dave face first on the mat. Escondido whips around and grabs Dave’s ankle. Suave: “ANKLE LOCK! ANKLE LOCK! ANKLE LOCK! AND AGAIN HERE COMES SNAFU!”

*eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*

Suave: “WHAT THE HELL IS DR. BILL AND HIS MOTORIZED WHEELCHAIR DOING OUT HERE? HE’S GOT TWO BROKEN ANKLES!” SNAFU waffles Dave the Mechanic with the chair and knocks him out. Escondido tackles SNAFU and they brawl. SNAFU gains the advantage and drop kicks Escondido out of the ring. Escondido on the floor in front of Dr. Bill. Suave: “Okay. Now everytime Dr. Bill has interjected himself into a match with Escondido, he ends up with broken bones. Will he learn from last week?” Dr. Bill takes his cane and raps it on Escondido’s leg. Suave: “Apparently, that’s a no.” Escondido takes the cane away from Dr. Bill. Suave: “WATCH OUT! SNAFU’S ON THE TOP ROPE! HE JUMPS!” SNAFU jumps right at Escondido who’s standing right in front of Dr. Bill. Dr. Bill’s eyes widen as he see SNAFU coming. Dr. Bill: “Ohhhh shhhhhhh-” Escondido is propelled right into Dr. Bill and causes his wheelchair to tip backwards. Dr. Bill instinctively tries to stop the fall with his hand. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! SNAFU JUST TOOK OUT BOTH ESCONDIDO AND DR. BILL!” Crowd: “HOLY ****!…HOLY ****!” Dr. Bill holds his arm and it looks bad. Suave: “I DON’T BELIEVE IT! DR. BILL MAY HAVE BROKEN HIS ARM!”

Nurse Nellie and the PCW Clean Up Crew come out to attend to Dr. Bill.

Suave: “While they’re getting the ring set for tonight’s steel cage ladder deathmatch, we brought some guests here from Northwest Ohio to entertain you. Ladies and gentlemen, THE BLACK SWAMP PIRATES!”

The Pirates lead singer Junior Jackson plays the mandolin introduction to their song American Elitist. Junior: “YOU GUYS READY TO GO?” Crowd: “YESSSSSSS!” Junior: “All right, let’s go!”

Junior (sings):
I don’t want to be an American Elitist
Don’t want to be smug, self-absorbed, and conceited
Looking down your nose while sipping cappuccino
Push your political views cause you act or hit a high note
*
I know it’s hard to see us when you’re up so far above
I guess we’re supposed to listen, cause you’ve got a Hollywood star
Your perks and privilege gets you places we will never see.
Your power and prestige gets you people we’ll never meet.
*
So Barbra Streisand, you won’t defeat us
You and the rest of the American Elitists
Just like Michael Moore, hell, you’d better believe us
Stay inside your limousine behind the tinted glass
Hide behind the velvet ropes and you can kiss our ass
*
*
I don’t want to be an American Elitist
Corporate greed feeds the rich, the rest of us simply bleed yes
Golden parachutes, they protect the big gun
While no one gives a damn about the little ones
*
I know it’s hard to see us when you’re up so far above
And I guess you’ve got a better way since you drive a fancy car
Your perks and privileges gets you places we will never see.
Your power and prestige gets you people we’ll never meet.
*
So Rush Limbaugh, you won’t defeat us
You and the rest of the American Elitists
Just like, Dick Cheney, hell you’d better believe us
Stay inside your limousine behind the tinted glass
Hide out at your country clubs and you can kiss our ass
*
*
I don’t want to be an American Elitist
Big money special interests, well they get what they need yeah
One dollar equals one vote, that’s the way the game’s played
While the rest of us watch as our dreams slowly slip away
*
I know it’s hard to see us when you’re up so far above
And if you’ve got the cash to pay, you get all the fun
Your perks and privileges gets you places we will never see.
Your power and prestige gets you people we’ll never meet.
*
Hey NRA, you won’t defeat us
You and the rest of the American Elitists Hey you, George Soros, you’d better believe us Stay inside your limousine behind the tinted glass
Spend your cash, buy an election and you can kiss our ass
*
Hey Wall Street Journal, you won’t defeat us You and the rest of the American Elitists Like Rolling Stone, you’d better believe us.
Stay inside your limousine behind the tinted glass
Watch us from your ivory towers and you can kiss our ass

Junior: “ALL RIGHT!” The crowd stands and gives the Pirates a standing ovation. Junior: “LET’S DO ONE MORE OKAY?” Junior trades his mandolin for an acoustic guitar. He begins to strum. Junior: “EVERYBODY SING ALONG! YOU KNOW THE WORDS.”

Junior (sings):
Keith, you hit it big at ESPN
But your tenure there came to an abrupt end
I know it seems so silly
They won’t let you in the building
Even when you went back, and worked for them again

Keith, you didn’t let them keep you down
So you traveled on from town to different town
Fox Sports didn’t work out well
MSNBC the first time was hell
Because Clinton and Lewinsky, they both were going down

But on Countdown, you found the thing that finally worked
So you became more of an overbearing elitist jerk
And now you just don’t care
That to you Fox News looks balanced and fair
And you make good ol’ Ann Coulter, seem almost moderate to us

Junior: “All right, let’s go now…”

(sings)

Keith
You’re the hero of the left.
And the cultural elitists
Who think they’re better than the rest
With your furrowed brow
Your mocking smile
Special Comments serious and terse
I might be the worst person in the world
But you’re the biggest @######, in the whole wide universe

Junior: “All right, everyone follow the bouncing ball and sing along!”

Everyone (sings):
Keith
You’re the hero of the left.
And the cultural elitists
Who think they’re better than the rest
With your furrowed brow
Your mocking smile
And Special Comments serious and terse
I might be the worst person in the world
But you’re the biggest @######, in the whole wide universe
You said, I might be the worst person in the world
But you’re the biggest @######, in the whole wide universe

The crowd again stands up and cheers. Junior: “THANK YOU! THANK YOU VERY-” Suave: “IT’S KEITH OLBERMANN!” Olbermann bowls Junior Jackson over and starts flailing away. Suave: “HERE COMES BILL O’REILLY!” O’Reilly runs up and tackles Olbermann. They roll around and wrestle on the floor. O’Reilly gets up first and kicks at Olbermann. He pulls Olbermann up and flings him into the steel guardrail. Suave: “O’REILLY GRABS A CHAIR….NO! HE MISSED…” Olbermann ducks and the chair slams into the guardrail with enough force that it bends. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! LOOK AT THAT CHAIR!” Olbermann takes Junior’s acoustic guitar and tries to smash it over O’Reilly’s head. He misses. O’Reilly escapes the guitar shot. He doesn’t escape ‘Hardball’ Chris Matthews who runs in and shoves O’Reilly hard into the guardrail. Suave: “IT’S MATTHEWS! HARDBALL CHRIS MATTHEWS!” Crowd: “HE’S HARDBALL!…HE’S HARDBALL!…HE’S HARDBALL!” Matthews kicks away at O’Reilly. Olbermann sets up a table. Suave: “O’REILLY’S GOING FOR THE RIDE…NO! HERE COMES SEAN HANNITY!” Suave: “THERE’S A REFEREE! WE’VE GOT AN IMPROMPTU MATCH!”

MATCH #2 ‘Hardball’ CHRIS MATTHEWS and KEITH OLBERMANN (Progressive Alliance) vs. BILL O’REILLY and SEAN HANNITY (American Patriots)

Hannity runs in and decks Matthews from behind. Olbermann finds a chair. *CLANG* Hannity staggers and runs into the ring post. Olbermann picks O’Reilly up and slams him through the table. Crowd: “PCW…PCW…PCW…PCW!” Matthews throws a left at Hannity. Crowd: “Hard-BALL!” Then a right. Crowd: “Hard-BALL! Then another right. Crowd: “Hard-BALL!” Left. Crowd: “Hard-BALL!” Right. Crowd: “Hard-BALL!” Matthews winds up… Crowd: “Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard-” …and then throws a big right that sends Hannity flying into the ring steps. Crowd: BALL!” Matthews goes for a chair. *THWACK* Suave: “HOLY CRAP! ONE OF THE BLACK SWAMP PIRATES JUST BUSTED HIS GUITAR RIGHT OVER MATTHEWS’ HEAD!” Matthews down. Junior Jackson finds his guitar and swings it at Hannity. *THWACK* Suave: “HOLY CRAP! THE LEAD SINGER JUST TOOK OUT SEAN HANNITY! THE BASS PLAYER’S LINING UP OLBERMANN! HE DOESN’T SEE HIM!” Olbermann turns around just in time to see the strings on the bass guitar before it struck. *BLANG* Suave: “HOLY CRAP! WAIT A MINUTE! JACKSON’S COVERING. THE REFEREE’S COUNTING? 1…2…3.”

WINNER: THE BLACK SWAMP PIRATES

Suave: “Well, that’s the damnest thing I’ve ever seen. Before we get to the main event, let’s take one last look at how we got here.”

REPLAY- 11/4 PCW EXTREME ELECTION NIGHT 2008
Suave: “IT’S DOWN TO COLEMAN AGAINST FRANKEN!” Coleman drags Franken out of the ring and slams him into the guardrail. Franken counters, blocks a suplex, and drapes Coleman across the guardrail. Franken’s spin kick from the ring apron misses. Coleman moves out of the way and Franken crashes right-knee-first into the rail. Quick chair shots in succession leave Franken dazed and wondering what hit him. Back suplex by Coleman. Suave: “WAIT A MINUTE! HERE COMES SARAH PALIN! SHE SWINGS THE HOCKEY STICK…MISSES FRANKEN AND HITS COLEMAN!” Palin winks. Suave: “THAT’S NOT SARAH PALIN! IT’S TINA FEY FROM SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE AGAIN! HERE’S COMES THE REAL PALIN!” Sarah Palin runs in and tackles Fey. They roll around on the floor. Suave: “CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT!”Franken nails Coleman with a road sign. He next pulls out a cheese grater and rubs it across Coleman’s forehead. Suave: “CHEESE GRATER! CHEESE GRATER! COLEMAN IS BADLY BUSTED OPEN!” Franken pulls a ladder from underneath the ring and clocks Coleman with it. Franken grabs a garbage can and drop toe holds Coleman onto it. Cover. Two count. Coleman staggers back up and Franken knocks him right back out with a steel chair. Crowd: “HOLY S@#$#… HOLY S@#$#.” Franken puts Coleman on top of the ladder and climbs up on the corner turnbuckle. Franken leaps off the turnbuckle and crushes Coleman on the metal ladder. Crowd: “HOLY S@#$#… HOLY S@#$#.” Franken covers. 1…2…3.

Suave: “After the match, this happened in the parking lot of Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon.

REPLAY- 11/4 AFTERMATH OF PCW EXTREME ELECTION NIGHT

Al Franken opens up his car door. He starts to get into his car when Norm Coleman slams the door shut on Franken’s left leg. Coleman opens the car door and pulls Franken out. Franken to the ground. Coleman kicks at Franken’s left leg. He kneels down and starts swinging away. Coleman drags Franken up and whips him headfirst into the driver’s side window. Franken staggers back and his left leg gives out. Coleman again pulls him back up and whips him headfirst into the window. Franken slides down the side of the car. Coleman then opens the door and rams it into Franken’s head. Franken is dragged back into his car with his left leg hanging out again. Coleman slams the car door repeatedly against Franken’s leg.

Finally, ‘American Screamer’ Howard Dean and ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido of the Progressive Alliance tackle Coleman and drive him to the ground.

Suave: “Then the rematch on November 25th took place. Coleman and Franken took thing to the next level of political extreme.”

REPLAY- 11/25 PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV
Franken is fired up. Coleman sidesteps the initial charge and wastes no time attacking Franken’s bad leg. Suave: “Coleman with kicks to Franken and drives him down to one knee…LOW BLOW BY FRANKEN!” Franken does it a second time. Coleman’s turns white and tips over onto the canvas. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Franken flails on him. He pulls Coleman up by the hair and throws him through the ropes outside. Coleman topples out of the ring and onto the floor. Franken on the edge of the ring. Flying elbow. Coleman’s legs jerk up at impact and then slam back down. Franken again pulls Coleman up by the hair. Blatant choke. The referee tries to get in the middle but Franken isn’t letting go. Franken gets a chair. *CLANG* He takes out the referee. *CLANG* Down goes Coleman…

…Franken drives Coleman towards Ritchie. Franken gets another chair. *CLANG* Coleman staggers. Franken pushes him down at Ritchie’s feet. Ritchie loops the rope around Coleman’s feet. He pulls the rope on the other side and Coleman goes into the air feet first. Suave: “Well, this can’t be good.” Franken gets a chair, winds up, and whacks Coleman with it. Suave: “COLEMAN’S STRUNG UP LIKE A HUMAN PINATA AND FRANKEN’S GOING TO BEAT THE STUFFING OUT OF HIM! *CLANG* HOLY CRAP! *CLANG* The crowd roars. Suave: “A THIRD SHOT. COLEMAN’S A SITTING DUCK…OR A HANGING DUCK…OR WHATEVER…AND HERE COMES TIM PAWLENTY!” Pawlenty runs down and swipes the chair from Franken. *CLANG* Franken staggers backwards. Mark Ritchie makes a run at Pawlenty. *CLANG* And falls backward as well. Franken gets up and charges again. *CLANG* Franken pirouettes and then collapses…

…Franken pulls Coleman up the top turnbuckle. Superplex from the top rope. Cover 1…2…NO! Coleman’s foot is on the ropes. Franken getting a little frustrated. He yanks Coleman back in the ring and climbs up the top turnbuckle. Swanton splash by Franken! ONE… TWO…NO! Suave: “I thought Franken got him. But Coleman kicks out just in time.” Franken sets up for the Piledriver, but Coleman rolls through! Franken takes Coleman up top. Coleman fights off Franken. Half Nelson Suplex by Franken! Another cover. 1…2…again, Coleman kicks out. Franken slams his fist into the canvas. Small package by Franken. Suave: “FRANKEN ROLLS HIM UP. 1…2…3-NO! COLEMAN ROLLED HIM OVER! 1…2…3! HE’S DONE IT!…

…Suave: “HE COMPLETELY HAD HIM! FRANKEN HAD HIM PINNED BUT SOMEHOW, COLEMAN ROLLED FRANKEN OVER AND HE GETS THE WIN!” Franken looks over at Coleman. Coleman’s celebrating. An enraged Franken hits Coleman from behind and then throws him head first into the corner turnbuckle. He picks up the chair and jams it into the back of Coleman’s left knee. Coleman falls backward to the canvas. Suave: “FRANKEN’S SNAPPED! HE’S PISSED AND NOW SLAMMING THAT STEEL CHAIR INTO COLEMAN’S KNEE!” Three shots in a row. Tim Pawlenty hits the ring to stop him. Franken blasts him with the chair and sends Pawlenty flying across the ring. Franken throws the chair down and puts Coleman’s leg through it. Suave: “WHAT IS HE DOING? FRANKEN CLIMBING TO THE TURNBUCKLE!” Franken jumps onto the chair. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! FRANKEN’S TRYING TO SNAP HIS LEG LIKE A TWIG!” Coleman grabs his knee and violently writhes in pain. Franken grabs the leg and spins. Coleman: AGGGGGHHHH! Suave: “FIGURE-FOUR! FIGURE FOUR!” Coleman slams the mat with his hands. Suave: “HE’S TRYING TO CRIPPLE COLEMAN…HERE COMES THE RIGHT WING BRIGADIERS!” Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Laura Ingraham, and Ann Coulter hit the ring. Franken drops the hold and slides out of the ring. Suave: “TOO LATE, THOUGH. THE DAMAGE MAY ALREADY HAVE BEEN DONE!”

The cage is set. It completely surrounds the ring giving about four feet of room on each side of the ring. Suave’s announcer’s table has been moved inside the cage.

“All right, as we’re getting ready for our main event tonight, I’d like to bring out our guest color commentator- P-SPAN’s very own Brian Lamb. Brian. It’s great to have you here.” Brian Lamb: “Johnny. It’s nice to here. This is definitely…different. When did PCW start?” Suave: “Over three and a half years ago.” Lamb: “And you’ve been doing…this the whole time?” Suave: “Well, yeah. Pretty much.” Lamb: “What’s the appeal?” Suave: “Um…we’re equating politics with pro wrestling?” Lamb: “I see. Who is that standing over there?” Suave: “Oh. That’s a life size cardboard cut out of Shania Twain.” Lamb: “That’s a little odd to have, don’t you think?” Suave: “Well, at least it’s not a life size Sarah Palin blow up doll.” Lamb: “True. That would be creepy.” Suave: “Besides, they were on back order at the store I checked.” Lamb takes a second to digest that. Suave: “HEY-Y-Y, they’re about ready to go…”

Coleman is the first to come out. He limps to the ring, his left knee wrapped up heavily. Al Franken comes out next. He looks very intense.

Suave: “Al Franken coming out as well. We’re just about ready to go.”

MATCH #3 STEEL CAGE LADDER DEATHMATCH: AL FRANKEN (Progressive Alliance) vs. NORM COLEMAN (American Patriots)

Suave: “All right. The rules are as follows: the first man to climb up and grab the suitcase that’s hanging over the ring wins the match. Pins, submissions, count-outs do not count. Escaping the cage does not count. The only way to win is to grab the suitcase.” Both men inside the cage. Dueling chants of “**** him up Franken” and “**** him up Coleman” start. Immediately Franken attacks. The bell rings. Suave: “HERE WE GO! FRANKEN GOES RIGHT AFTER COLEMAN’S BAD LEG.” Kicks by Franken to the injured left knee. Coleman tries to get out of the ring but Franken yanks him back in. More kicks to the knee. Russian leg sweep by Franken. Suave: “FRANKEN IS NOT MESSING AROUND! HE’S GOING TO INCAPACITATE COLEMAN! BRIAN, WHAT DO YOU THINK?” Lamb: “Johnny, that’s pretty violent. Is this the norm for PCW events?” Suave: “Well…yes….HERE WE GO! FRANKEN’S GOT A CHAIR..” *CLANG* Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” *CLANG* Coleman stumbles back and falls through the ropes to the outside right back the announcer’s table. Lamb: “My God. He’s hurt. Should we help him?” Suave: “That’s probably not advisable, Brian…BECAUSE FRANKEN’S CLIMBED THE TOP ROPE….HE BRINGS THE HEAVY ELBOW DOWN ON COLEMAN!” Franken pulls Coleman up and slams him hard into the steel cage. Then into the ring post. Coleman’s legs are rubbery. Again, into the side of the cage. Again, into the ring post. Franken throws Coleman on the floor. He searches underneath the ring and finds a ladder. He pulls it out and then hoists it over the top rope into the ring. Suave: “THERE’S THE FIRST LADDER OF THE NIGHT! CAN FRANKEN CLIMB UP AND GRAB THE BRIEFCASE?” Franken sets the ladder up in the middle of the ring. He takes one step up and Coleman somehow crawls back into the ring. Franken takes a second step. Coleman is crawling right for the ladder. Franken hops down and kicks Coleman. He picks him up and drags him to the edge of the ring. Franken climbs out and then hops off the edge holding on to Coleman’s head and choking him on the top rope. Coleman whiplashes off the ropes and lands on his back. Suave: “COLEMAN’S IN BIG TROUBLE!” Franken back in. He goes for the Figure Four Leg Lock but Coleman kicks him away. Franken tries a second time and again, Coleman boots him across the ring. Franken climbs out to the edge and heads towards the corner turnbuckle. Coleman suddenly gets up and drop kicks Franken off the ring edge into the steel cage four feet away.

Suave: “HOLY CRAP! FRANKEN HIT THE BACK OF HIS HEAD ON THE STEEL CAGE!” Now it’s Franken in trouble. Coleman inexplicably ignores the ladder and climbs the corner turnbuckle. Suave: “MISSILE DROPKICK FROM THE TOP ROPE SENDS FRANKEN RIGHT BACK INTO THE STEEL CAGE!” Coleman checks under the ring for something. He has it and goes right to Franken. Suave: “CHEESE GRATER! CHEESE GRATER! AND FRANKEN IS BUSTED WIDE OPEN! THE MOMENTUM HAS CHANGED HANDS!” Coleman pulls out a second ladder from underneath the ring. He immediately jams it in Franken’s gut. Coleman whirls it around and connects again. Lamb: “Now, are all these weapons legal?” Suave: “Um…yes…*BONK* …SKILLET! SKILLET!” Coleman comes over to the announcer’s table and motions Lamb out of his chair. Lamb stands. Lamb: “What am I supposed to sit on?” Suave: “Here. Take mine.” Coleman takes Lamb’s chair and *CLANG* *CLANG* Suave: “COLEMAN JUST DRILLED FRANKEN WITH TWO CHAIR SHOTS IN A ROW.” Franken in trouble now. Coleman kicks to the knee. He places Franken leg through the chair. Suave: “HE’S GOING TO DO THE SAME THING FRANKEN DID TO HIM! HE’S GOING TO TRY AND BREAK HIS LEG!” Lamb: “Is that the right thing to do?” Suave: “Well, right and wrong get a little fuzzy in the heat of battle.” Coleman climbs up to the top turnbuckle. Suave: “HE JUMPS…FRANKEN MOVED! HOLY CRAP! COLEMAN JUST KILLED HIMSELF! HE MISSED COMPLETELY AND HIT THE FLOOR HARD!”

Franken crawls back into the ring. Suave: “Franken can’t even stand up.” Coleman also crawls back to the ring. Franken reaches the ladder. Coleman crawls into the ring. Suave: “Franken’s going up. But Coleman is right behind him.” Franken’s about two rungs ahead of Coleman as both climb up opposite sides of the ladder. Franken reaches the top rung first. Coleman’s close enough to where he can start swinging at Franken. Both men try to push each other off the ladder. Franken stands and grabs for the briefcase. Coleman stands and he tries to reach the briefcase. Both latch on to the briefcase at the same time. The ladder suddenly becomes unbalanced. Both Franken and Coleman try to push the other off. Both grab at the briefcase. Lamb: “Isn’t it dangerous for two men to climb up a ladder to try to grab an object suspended in the air?” Suave: “Yes. That’s why you don’t see many ladder- HOLY CRAP! THE LADDER’S FALLING…RIGHT FOR US! BRIAN GET OUT OF THE WAY!” Lamb: “Huh? What?”

Crowd: “HOLY ****!…HOLY ****!…HOLY ****!…“HOLY ****!…HOLY ****!…HOLY ****!…HOLY…PCW!…PCW!…PCW!…PCW!…PCW!…” Suave: “Am I on…hello…okay…THE LADDER TIPPED OVER. FRANKEN AND COLEMAN FOUGHT FOR POSSESSION OF THE BRIEFCASE AS THE LADDER FELL. THE BAD NEWS- THEY JUST DESTROYED THE ANNOUNCER’S TABLE. THE GOOD NEWS- SOMETHING SOFT BROKE THEIR FALL. THE BAD NEWS- BRIAN LAMB OF P-SPAN WAS THE SOFT THING THAT BROKE THEIR FALL. I DIDN’T SEE WHO HAD WHAT. THE REFEREE IS TRYING TO SORT THIS OUT. THE CROWD IS GOING ABSOLUTELY NUTS!…HUH?…OH…OKAY…THE REFEREE IS GOING TO ANNOUNCE THE WINNER…LET’S GO TO THE RING.” Referee: “Okay. This is what I saw. Norm Coleman had possession-” The crowd explodes. Pro-Coleman and Franken chants erupt. Suave: “COLEMAN HAS BEEN DECLARED THE WINNER! THE REFEREE SAW THAT HE HAD THE BRIEFCASE AND CALLED HIM THE WINNER! FRANKEN IS PISSED. HE IMMEDIATELY CONFRONTS THE REFEREE AND HE’S LIGHTING HIM UP! COLEMAN’S OUT OF HERE. HE TOOK THE BRIEFCASE AND LIMPED OUT OF THE CAGE AS QUICKLY AS HE COULD. WHAT? FRANKEN’S CLAIMING THAT HE HAD THE BRIEFCASE AT THE BOTTOM BUT COLEMAN TOOK IT AWAY WHEN THE REFEREE CAME! THEY’RE GOING TO HAVE TO SORT THIS ONE OUT. COLEMAN THE WINNER. BUT MAJOR, MAJOR CONTROVERSY AT THE END OF THE THIRD COLEMAN-FRANKEN MATCH. THIS IS JOHNNY SUAVE FOR AN UNCONSCIOUS BRIAN LAMB, THANKS TO P-SPAN…SORRY ABOUT BRIAN…WE’LL HEAR MORE ABOUT THIS AS IT DEVELOPS.”

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