ROD BLAGOJEVICH VISITS ‘SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT GENIUS’ MR. McMANN’S OFFICE
Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich walks into Mr. McMann’s office. Mr. McMann: “Excuse me. Not just everyone barges into my office.” Blagojevich: “Let me introduce myself. I’m Rod Blagojevich.” Mr. McMann: “Yeah? So?” Blagojevich: “I don’t think you fully understand who I am. You see, I’m f****** golden. I’m looking for good stuff. Good stuff for the state of Illinois. Good stuff for…me.” McMann: “Again. Yeah? So?” Blagojevich: “I have influence with PCW CEO-Designate Barack Obama.” This gets Mr. McMann’s attention. McMann: “Okay. Go on.” Blagojevich: “What I’m saying is that for the measly price of $250,000, I can exert influence on Obama to do whatever it is you need him to do.” McMann: “How?” Blagojevich: ‘Because I’m f****** golden.” McMann: “Okay. You’ve already made that point. So essentially, if I’m hearing you right, you want me to give you $250,000 and you’ll work for us with Obama.” Blagojevich: “That’s it. Don’t forget, I’m f******-” McMann: “I know, I know. You’re f****** golden.”
MATCH #3 THE AMERICAN BIKERS-Little Paulie and Big Paulie (Independents) vs. JACK SCHETT and BULL SCHETT w/Horst Schett and Hans Gruber- The Extreme German Schnauzer (Progressive Alliance)
Suave: “The American Bikers are back in PCW and looking for a title shot. The Schetts are the former PCW Tag Team champions and they want another shot at Domination Inc’s Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit for the PCW Tag Team belts.”
Little Paulie and Jack Schett to begin. Little Paulie runs into a scoop slam from Jack. Elbow drop. Little Paulie whipped into the Schett’s corner and he gets mugged by Bull Schett. Big Paulie up on the apron yelling at the Schetts. Jack tags out to Bull. Bull’s shoulder block rams Little Paulie into the opposite corner. Big Paulie swipes at Bull. Little Paulie gets whipped back into the Schett’s corner. Jack and Horst Schett mugs him. Jack’s had enough of a breather so he tags back in and pretends Little Paulie is a kick bag. FACE WASH! Little Paulie is officially in trouble now and taking a beating from all three Schetts. Jack’s second round of punting Little Paulie around the ring is almost a vicious as the first. Big Paulie screams at his son to get to the corner. Jack slaps him and Little Paulie snaps back. Pele kick to Jack and Little Paulie makes the corner. Big Paulie gets the tag and here we go. Suave: “Big Paulie can match Jack and Bull Schett’s power but not for all that long.” Big Paulie and Jack slug away at each other. And invariably, Big Paulie runs out of gas. Vertical Suplex by Jack. Covers. 1…2…Little Paulie makes the save. He helps Big Paulie up and doesn’t see Jack and Bull coming in with a big double clothesline. Little Paulie down. Jack makes the cover again on Big Paulie. 1…2… Suave: “NO! BIG PAULIE KICKED OUT!” Bull drags Big Paulie to the corner and hands Jack a brick. Suave: “THEY’RE GOING FOR THE SCHETT BRICK!” Little Paulie tries to get over. Bull launches himself at him and hits a devastating flying clothesline that snaps Little Paulie on his back hard. Jack puts the brick in the back of his trunks and climbs the turnbuckle. He splashs Big Paulie butt first. Suave: “SCHETT BRICK! SCHETT BRICK!” Easy cover. 1…2…3.
WINNER: JACK SCHETT and BULL SCHETT
BUBBA JACKSON IN THE RING/WAR ON CHRISTMAS
Suave: “It’s the Owner of PCW, Bubba Jackson! Bubba’s dressed festively and toting a beer. Bubba: “Usually, Gina Ramsey- the manager of Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon does this but she’s off filming a movie or something. I just wanted to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas! Bubba holds the beer up. Bubba: “Here’s to a great two thousand and-” Female Voice: “STOP!” Suave: “Oh…no…not again.” The Green World Order (GreenPete, ‘Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee, PeaceNick, and Peta from PETA) walks out to a loud chorus of boos. Suave: “They do this every year!” Peta: That’s enough! Every year you show no sensitivity and tolerance for other religions or atheists by forcing this whole Christmas thing down our throats. The Green World Order demands that you cease and desist right now and take down all of the offending Christmas decorations or we’ll do it for you.” Bubba: “Okay, first thing. This isn’t your bar. This isn’t your promotion. If you don’t like what you see here, you have the right to walk your ass right out the front door.” The crowd stands and cheers. Peta throws a fit. GreenPete and Brock Cole Lee climb into the ring. Peta: “That attitude is simply not acceptable.” More boos. Peta: “I’m going to count to three and if the-”
Lights down. Something comes on the video screen behind the ring. Toby Keith’s War on Christmas (Click to see the actual video)
After the video, lights back up. GreenPete and Brock Cole Lee turn to address Bubba and find PCW Security Director Dawn McGill is in the ring instead. Suave: “Hello!… *THWACK* *THWACK* …Goodbye!” GreenPete and Lee both down. Dawn pulls GreenPete up and throws him out of the ring. Repeat with Brock Cole Lee. PeaceNick slips into the ring with a bottle of chloroform and a handkerchief. Suave: “Dude. I wouldn’t do that-” Back kick to the groin with 6 inch stiletto heels. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” PeaceNick drops the bottle. A prefect ‘O’ forms on his face. His eyes roll up into his sockets. He turns ghostly white and passes out. Dawn glares at Peta. Peta runs for it.
Nurse Nellie and the PCW Clean Up Crew come on down and tend to the wounded.
MR. McMANN VISITS BARACK OBAMA’S OFFICE
Obama is surprised when ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann walks into his office. Obama; “DAWN!” McMann: “Hold on. That won’t be necessary.” Dawn McGill shows up. Obama: “Okay. What can I do for you?” McMann: “I got a visit from Rod Blagojevich. He wanted me to pay him $250,000 because he claimed he could exert his influence on you.” Obama laughs. Obama: “Well, he was in here trying to shake me down for $250,000 or a prime spot in PCW. I turned him down flat.” McMann nods. McMann: “I see.” McMann thinks for a second. McMann: “Okay. Can we call a one night truce so I can take care of this matter?” Obama: “A one night truce?” McMann: “Yeah. I won’t try to take over PCW for one night.” Obama: “Sure. On one condition. You put a muzzle on your loose cannon Quadruple R and keep him away from the main event.” McMann: “Deal.” Obama: “Oh. And what’s this I hear about Kathryn Randall Collins, Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit NOT wanting to defend the belts at PCW Night of Champions next month?” McMann: “We can discuss that later, okay?”
MONTAGE OF DR. BILL/ ‘No Frills’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO FEUD:
Dave fights it and tries to pull his way to the ropes. Run in by SNAFU and he blasts Escondido with a chair. Suave: “IT’S SNAFU AND DR. BILL!”*SNAFU whiffs on a second chair shot. Escondido takes him down and puts SNAFU in the ankle lock. Suave: “ANKLE LOCK! ANKLE LOCK!” SNAFU immediately taps out and pounds the ring canvas. Dr. Bill limps up to the ring edge, holding his crutches with one hand. Suave: “That’s really not a good idea! *WHACK* HOLY CRAP! DR. BILL JUST CRACKED ESCONDIDO OVER THE HEAD WITH HIS CRUTCH!” Escondido stumbles back. Then his head clears and he sees Dr. Bill. Dr. Bill’s eyes widen. Escondido grabs him and flips Dr. Bill over the top rope. Then he grabs his good ankle and puts him in an ankle lock. Suave: “ANKLE LOCK! ANKLE LOCK! ANKLE LOCK!” Dr. Bill pounds the mat with his fists. SNAFU sees him…and something changes. He sets a chair up. He whips himself against the ropes, jumps from the chair onto the top rope, and then jumps back and nearly takes Escondido’s head off. Escondido lands flat on his back. Dr. Bill grabs his good ankle in pain. SNAFU folds the chair and hits the Arabian Facebuster on Escondido.
12/18 END OF ‘No Frills’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO/DAVE the MECHANIC MATCH at PCW COMPLETELY DERANGED
Suave: “GUTWRENCH SUPLEX BY ESCONDIDO!” He follows with a belly to belly suplex. Then a Northern Lights suplex. Suave: “Escondido is breaking out the suplexes tonight.” Dave’s in trouble. Hammerlock by Escondido. Snapmare take down. Dave up. Knee to the gut by Escondido. Bulldog. Dave face first on the mat. Escondido whips around and grabs Dave’s ankle. Suave: “ANKLE LOCK! ANKLE LOCK! ANKLE LOCK! AND AGAIN HERE COMES SNAFU!”
*
*eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*
*
Suave: “WHAT THE HELL IS DR. BILL AND HIS MOTORIZED WHEELCHAIR DOING OUT HERE? HE’S GOT TWO BROKEN ANKLES!” SNAFU waffles Dave the Mechanic with the chair and knocks him out. Escondido tackles SNAFU and they brawl. SNAFU gains the advantage and drop kicks Escondido out of the ring. Escondido on the floor in front of Dr. Bill. Suave: “Okay. Now everytime Dr. Bill has interjected himself into a match with Escondido, he ends up with broken bones. Will he learn from last week?” Dr. Bill takes his cane and raps it on Escondido’s leg. Suave: “Apparently, that’s a no.” Escondido takes the cane away from Dr. Bill. Suave: “WATCH OUT! SNAFU’S ON THE TOP ROPE! HE JUMPS!” SNAFU jumps right at Escondido who’s standing right in front of Dr. Bill. Dr. Bill’s eyes widen as he see SNAFU coming. Dr. Bill: “Ohhhh shhhhhhh-” Escondido is propelled right into Dr. Bill and causes his wheelchair to tip backwards. Dr. Bill instinctively tries to stop the fall with his hand. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! SNAFU JUST TOOK OUT BOTH ESCONDIDO AND DR. BILL!” Crowd: “HOLY ****!…HOLY ****!” Dr. Bill holds his arm and it looks bad. Suave: “I DON’T BELIEVE IT! DR. BILL MAY HAVE BROKEN HIS ARM!”
MATCH #4 PCW TELEVISION TITLE MATCH: ‘No Frills’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO © (Progressive Alliance) vs. DAVE the MECHANIC w/Tequila Sheila (Joe Sixpacks)
Suave: “The question is this week- can these two actually have a full match? And will Dr. Bill be stupid enough to try to interfere again?” Escondido brings the old school psychology by bailing whenever possible to throw Dave the Mechanic off his game. Dave starts lighting this one up with the whirl headscissors (multiple rotations on that). Next, Dave looks for the Fisherman Express on Escondido who counters him into a wicked brainbuster. He goes for the quick cover…1… 2. Flying rana from Dave who seems to be incorporating more, mixed martial arts moves into his repertoire. Escondido takes a flying Diamond Dust but pops right back up and spears Dave! Escondido goes to follow up with a suplex but gets countered into a Stunner. Dave breaks out a flying Arabian Press! Dave works Escondido over. He goes for German suplex but Escondido reverses. Snap mare takedown. Leg drop. Power bomb. Cover. 1…2.. Dave kicks out. Dave tries for the single leg takedown but Escondido whips around and connects with a sit down slam. Cover. 1…2 Dave again kicks out. Dave calls for the dragonrana and goes up top. Crowd is going nuts. The problem is Escondido is in full control. He lifts Dave off the top rope and slams him to the canvas. Escondido hits the Ace Crusher off the top rope. Cover 1…2.. Again, Dave kicks out.
*eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*
Suave: “Oh…no.” SNAFU runs in yet again with Dr. Bill in the motorized wheelchair that he steers with his left hand right behind. Suave: “Can you not leave enough alone?” Apparently no. SNAFU in the ring. Dropkick to Dave. Dropkick to Escondido. SNAFU sets a chair up in the ring. Triple Jump Moonsault on the way….he misses…badly…SNAFU ends up splatting himself a good five feet away from either Escondido or Dave. Both look down at SNAFU and then each other. Then the match restarts. Lock up in the middle of the ring. They jockey for position and are careful to step over SNAFU. Escondido with an arm wringer. Dave counters with a Fireman’s carry and then a fall a way slam. Dave slingshots himself off the ropes for a flying elbow. Escondido catches him in mid-flight and plants him with a spinebuster.
*eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*
Suave: “What is he doing?” Dr. Bill moves to the edge of the ring. Escondido climbs the turnbuckle. With his one good extremity- his left hand and arm, Dr. Bill takes a crutch and nudges Escondido. Escondido loses his balance and tumbles forward into the ring. Dave rolls over and covers. 1…2…Escondido kicks out. Escondido glares at Dr. Bill which allows Dave to hit a standing drop kick. The TV champ is driven back into the corner. Dr. Bill takes a few whacks at his feet with the crutch. Suave: “Dr. Bill may have two broken ankles and a broken arm, but that doesn’t mean he’s not able to drive Escondido to distraction.” Dave charges Escondido for a splash. Escondido crouches down and flips Dave over the top rope…and right onto Dr. Bill. Crowd: “HOLY S***!…HOLY S***!…HOLY S***!” Suave: “HOLY CRAP! DAVE LANDED ON DR. BILL!” SNAFU awakes…sees Dr. Bill lying on the floor. SNAFU low blows Escondido. He climbs through the ropes and draps Escondido’s neck on the top rope sending him flying backwards across the ring. MOONSAULT! Suave: “HOLY CRAP! HE JUST MOONSAULTED DAVE THE MECHANIC…WHO WAS ON TOP OF DR. BILL! DR. BILL’S OTHER ARM MAY BE BROKEN!” SNAFU with a steel folding chair. *CLANG* *CLANG* *CLANG* Suave: “SNAFU DRIVING DAVE THE MECHANIC INTO THE FLOOR!” Tequila Sheila comes up behind him and tries to hit blender shot. SNAFU snatches the blender and throws it into the crowd. He climbs back into the ring with the chair. Escondido is starting to stir. SNAFU jumps with the chair underneath him. Suave: “ARABIAN FACEBUSTER! ARABIAN FACEBUSTER! ESCONDIDO IS OUT COLD!”
WINNER: NO ONE
Again, PCW Security Director Dawn McGill and Nurse Nellie and the PCW Clean Up Crew come out. McGill grabs SNAFU and in one, quick, fluid motion throws him out of the ring. Nurse Nellie and her staff attend to both Escondido and Dave the Mechanice.
DOMINATION INC. SUITE
Mr. McMann sits at his desk. Quadruple R walks in. Quad R: “You wanted to see me?” McMann: “Yes. In order for the corporation to achieve some short term goals, I made a deal with Barack Obama that we would not interfere in the title match between O’Beck Bahama and Kevin Scott.” Quad R: “WHAT? B-B-B-BUT WHY?” McMann: “Again, the corporation has short term goals that need to be addressed. Quad R: “That’s bulls***! You’re telling me to stay out of what should have been MY match for MY title? Bulls***. McMann: “It’s not a request. It’s an order. You will get the title soon enough.” Quad R: NO! I’m getting my title TONIGHT!” McMann: “If you interfere with the match tonight, you’re on your own. Quad R: “WHATEVER!”
Suave: “No one will ever forget the match O’Beck Bahama and Starz N. Stripes had over a month and a half ago at PCW Extreme Election Night 2008. It has been called the greatest match in PCW history. Here’s how it ended…
REPLAY- ENDING OF O’BECK BAHAMA/STARZ N. STRIPES MATCH AT PCW EXTREME ELECTION NIGHT 2008
Bahama rolls up Starz. Suave: “ONE…TWO…NO! McCAIN BREAKS THE COUNT! McCAIN LITERALLY LEAPED ACROSS THE RING TO STOP THE REFEREE FROM COUNTING OUT STARZ!” Bahama climbs up the corner turnbuckle. 450 Splash on Starz. Again, he covers. Suave: “ONE…TWO…AGAIN! McCAIN AGAIN STOPS THE COUNT!” McCain stumbles back to his corner. Bahama picks up Starz and power bombs him. Cover. Suave: “ONE…TWO…NOOOOO! McCAIN AGAIN SAVES STARZ! UNBELIEVEABLE!” Obama pounds on the ring canvas. Everyone is standing up in the building. Suave: “THIS CROWD IS GOING NUTS! JOHN McCAIN HAS SAVED THREE PINFALLS! HOLD ON. BAHAMA WANTS A TABLE SET UP OUTSIDE THE RING.” Obama quickly sets up a table. Bahama picks up Starz. He runs towards the ropes and heaves him over. Starz destroys the table. Suave: “AWESOME BOMB! AWESOME BOMB! AWESOME BOMB! BAHAMA TO THE TOP ROPE. 45O SPLASH! HE COVERS. ONE…WAIT! WHAT’S DICK CHENEY DOING. HE RUNS INTO McCAIN…” The bell rings. Suave: “THAT WAS THE BELL? WAIT A MINUTE…CHARLENE ANN BECKWORTH IN THE RING.”
Both men in the ring now. Charlene Ann Beckworth climbs in to do the ring announcing. Charlene Ann: “LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. THIS MATCH IS FOR THE PCW CHAMPIONSHIP! IN THIS CORNER, HE’S THE ‘ORIGINAL ROOKIE SENSATION’ AND FORMER PCW CHAMPION- KEVIN SCOTT!” Roughly half the crowd stands and cheers on Scott. Charlene Ann: “AND IN THE OTHER CORNER, MANAGED BY FORMER PCW CHAMPION JUSTIN SUFFERABLE, HE’S THE PCW CHAMPION- THE ‘NEW ROOKIE SENSATION,’ O’BECK BAHAMA!” The other half stand and cheer.
MATCH #5 PCW TITLE MATCH: O’BECK BAHAMA © w/Justin Sufferable (Progressive Alliance) vs. KEVIN SCOTT (formerly Starz N. Stripes) (Joe Sixpack)
Red and white streamers for Bahama. Cool entrance. Bell rings and Bahama monkey flips Scott. Scott rolls out of it. Bahama tries to shoot the leg. Scott spins away and then drives the champion to the mat in a Half-Nelson. Bahama gets to the ropes. Scott heads up top but Bahama running forearms him to the floor. Bahama slides out. Scott whipped into the ringpost. Scott whipped into the steel guardrail. Bahama with a chair. Misses. Scott ducks and the chair CLANGS off the post. Scott slides behind Bahama…BULLDOG ONTO THE RING STEPS. Crowd: “HOLY S***!….HOLY S***!” Suave: “HOLY CRAP! BAHAMA’S BEEN BUSTED OPEN! HE’S HURT!” Scott hits elbow drop from the edge of the ring. Suave: “Justin Sufferable looks very concerned about this turn of events.”
Oriental crossbow from Scott. Superkick! Suave: “HE NEARLY TOOK BAHAMA’S HEAD OFF. I THINK HE’S HAVING A HARD TIME SEEING!” Scott sets him up for the Rockets Red Glare. Suave: “SCOTT’S LOOKING FOR HIS FINISHER…YES!” The crowd stands and cheers. Scott covers. 1…2… Suave: “SUFFERABLE! JUSTIN SUFFERABLE BROKE UP THE COUNT!” Scott not pleased. He walks around Bahama. Suave: “CROSSFACE CHICKENWING!” Bahama is taking down and in trouble. Suave: “AGAIN, SUFFERABLE IN THE RING!” He breaks the hold and Scott is hot. He and Sufferable start to argue. Bahama climbs the top turnbuckle. Swan dive….misses! Scott saw it in time and sidesteps it. Now, Scott has Bahama up for a cradle piledriver. Again he covers…1…2. Suave: “AGAIN! SUFFERABLE PULLED SCOTT OFF OF BAHAMA! THE CROWD IS ON THEIR FEET AS KEVIN SCOTT HAS COME THIS CLOSE TO BECOMING THE PCW CHAMPION AGAIN!” Scott chases Sufferable from the ring. Suave: “IT’S QUADRUPLE R! I THOUGHT HE WASN’T COMING OUT!” Mr. McMann, Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, and Big Oil appear. McMann doesn’t seem pleased.
Quad R in the ring with a steel chair. *CLANG* Suave: “HOLY CRAP! HE JUST NAILED BAHAMA WITH THE CHAIR!” *CLANG* Suave: “DOWN GOES KEVIN SCO- HERE COMES DAWN McGILL!” McGill in. Quad R charges. McGill oles and sends him out of the ring. McGill joins him on the floor. Quad R sees her. He charges again. Suave: “McGILL CATCHES HIM! SCOOP SLAM THROUGH THE TIMEKEEPER’S TABLE! HOLY CRAP!” Crowd: “HOLY S***!, HOLY S***! HOLY S***!” McMann shrugs his shoulders and leaves with Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. Both Bahama and Scott down in the ring. Bahama moves first and goes to cover. 1…2…No. Scott kicks out. Bahama up to the top turnbuckle. 450 Splash! Suave: “BAHAMA’S FACE IS JUST A RED CRIMSON MASK. I HAVE NO CLUE HOW HE CAN SEE.” Cover…1…2… Suave: “SCOTT KICKED OUT AGAIN!” Sufferable shouts something to Bahama. Bahama pulls Scott up and Irish whips him into the ropes. Suave: “BAHAMA BACKBREAKER! BAHAMA BACKBREAKER!” Modified torture rack. Scott tries to flip out but Bahama isn’t letting go. Suave: “HE TAPS! SCOTT TAPS OUT!”
WINNER AND STILL PCW CHAMPION: O’BECK BAHAMA
Suave: “KEVIN SCOTT TOOK PCW CHAMPION O’BECK BAHAMA TO THE LIMIT! BAHAMA HAD ENOUGH TO GET THE WIN! AND HERE COMES MR. McMANN…”
‘Sports Entertainment Genius” Mr. McMann comes to the ring. He passes by Quadruple R who’s still woozy and lying in what’s left of the timekeeper’s table. Then he enters the ring. McMann: “Rod Blagojevich. I know you’re still in the building. Come on out and let’s talk.” Blagojevich comes out smiling and what not. Suave: “I wonder what McMann’s up to.” Blagojevich climbs in. McMann: “Now, about that matter that we were talking about earlier today…something about $250,000?” Blagojevich: “I didn’t do anything wrong. I categorically deny that.” McMann: “Um…we have this on tape you know?” Blagojevich: “Again, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” McMann: “All right. You know, I didn’t want to do this. Everyone will get a cheap pop out of it but in light of the situation- consider this my Christmas present to all of you.”
*Def Leppard’s ‘Rock, Rock Til You Drop blares*
Suave: “YES! FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY! THE EXTREME ENFORCER IS BACK!” Whiskey Tango Foxtrot to the ring. Blagojevich’s eyes get the deer in the headlight look. McMann: “Now Governor Blagojevich. I understand that in Illinois you handle things in your own way. Well, here in PCW, we also have a way of dealing with this. WTF? Do your stuff.” Blagojevich waves his hands in front of WTF and begs for help. McMann: “Hey Rod? Mike Myers just called…he wants his hairdo back.” Grab throat. Lift. Choke slam! Crowd: PCW…PCW…PCW! Suave: “The Extreme Enforcer Whiskey Tango Foxtrot just planted Rod Blagojevich into the canvas and the only thing right now that’s f****** golden about Blagojevich is his underwear. That’s it for us here at PCW for this year. Next week, the best 10 matches of the year are highlighted. The next PCW Extreme Political TV after that will be January 13th.
Filed under: 2008 Election, Average Joe, Barack Obama, Blogs- Pro Wrestling, Election 2008, Joe the Plumber, John McCain, Paul Heyman, Politics, Pro Wrestling, Small Town America, democrats, fiction, joe six pack, political satire, red state, republicans | Tagged: Alan Rickman, American Choppers, ECW, Extreme Championship Wrestling, Rod Blagojevich, TNA, Vince McMahon, World Wrestling Entertainment, WWE
