Last week on PCW Extreme Political TV:
-‘The Innovator of Extreme Broadcast Excellence’ Rush Limbaugh and the ‘Queen of Political Extreme’ Ann Coulter come out to say ‘we told you so.’ They accuse John McCain of destroying the American Patriots and rail against the ‘socialism’ that Barack Obama allegedly wants to bring to PCW. Obama walks out and tells Limbaugh to choose a wrestler and there will be a match on next week’s PCW Extreme Political TV.
-Dave the Mechanic (Joe SixPacks) pins Snott Flemmstein (Jobbers) after whapping him with Tequila Sheila’s blender. After the match, Dr. Bill rolls out with the other PCW jobbers and they all attack Dave. Kevin Scott, Average Joe, American Trucker, and PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin come to the rescue for Joe SixPacks.
-The Schett Brothers deliver a promo and tell PCW Tag Team Champions Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit (Domination Inc.) that they can run but they can hide.
-Quadruple R (Domination Inc.) annihilates Average Joe (Joe SixPacks) after DDT’g him on a chair. No interference at all from Domination Inc.
-Kalee Jones- The Eskimo Queen with Elisabeth Hasselbeck from ‘The View’ in her corner (American Patriots) quashes an injured Code Pink with Joy Behar (Progressive Alliance), also from ‘The View’, with the Eskimo Pieface. Post match, Hasselbeck and Behar catfight which brings out the Angry Left Wing Bloggers and, in turn, Politically Incorrect. The referee calls for the bell and it’s an impromptu 8 man tag team match
-Politically Incorrect (Al Cahall, Nic Koteen, NRA, and Hunter the Hunter) w/the ‘Queen of Political Incorrectness’ Andrea Doria defeat the Angry Left Wing Bloggers (Daily Kos, Eric Alterman, Media Matters for America, and News Hounds) w/Professor Paul Krugman in a brutal, extreme tag team war when NRA blasts Daily Kos in the head with the butt end of a shotgun.
-Rush Limbaugh chooses Quadruple R from Domination Inc. to be his representative next week against PCW Champion O’Beck Bahama.
PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV: February 3rd from Revere, Massachusetts
Host: Johnny Suave
Crowd: “PCW!…PCW!…PCW!…” Johnny Suave: “HELLO AND WELCOME TO PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV! PCW’S TOUR OF ALL THE OLD ECW VENUES CONTINUES THIS WEEK IN REVERE, MASSACHUSETTS! AND AS YOU CAN TELL, THEY ARE REVVED UP FOR SOME PCW EXTREME ACTION! I AM JOHNNY SUAVE. THIS HOT PIECE OF CARDBOARD NEXT TO ME IS SHANIA TWAIN…”
Suave: “…AND TONIGHT, PCW CHAMPION O’BECK BAHAMA FROM THE PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE PUTS HIS TITLE ON THE LINE AGAINST QUADRUPLE R AND DOMINATION INC! CAN THE PCW CHAMP HOLD OFF THE BEHEMOTH-SIZED CORPORATION AND KEEP THE PCW TITLE? WE WILL FIND OUT LATER TONIGHT. ALSO ON THE CARD-”
*Countdown with Keith Olbermann Sounder*
Suave: “…Well? It looks like MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann is coming out with Rachel Maddow to give one of his patented ‘Super-Special Comments’ tonight. Olbermann has been embroiled in a mini-feud with ‘The Alaskan Pitbull’ Sarah Palin…who by the way looks totally hot in this PCW Jersey…”
Suave: “Oh, boy. Anyways.” Olbermann: “I’m sorry, Suave, but what are you doing? Do you masturbate to Sarah Palin’s picture every night?” Suave: “Even if I did…and I don’t…it’s none of your business Keith…because, I don’t…….well okay, maybe once.”
KEITH OLBERMANN’S SUPER-SPECIAL COMMENT
Olbermann: “As you all know, in PCW CEO Barack Obama’s brilliant inaugural address, I believe he was talking in such a way that Obama, and only Obama because he’s so brilliant and smart, can to preach cooperation and drive a wedge in between those who are reasonable and those who are not. Or, in order to separate the American Patriots herd, so to speak, away from the extremists like the so-called Innovator of Extreme Broadcast Excellence- Rush Limbaugh. Limbaugh is now on the fringe, nothing more than an overpaid mouthpiece for a megalomaniacal corporation hell-bent on the hostile takeover of PCW. The fact that he’s teamed up with this despicable group is proof positive that this comedian masquerading as a political figure cares only about his own bottom line. Rush Limbaugh. YOU are the worst-”
*Pretenders- “My City Was Gone” plays*
A smirking Limbaugh comes out smoking a cigar. Limbaugh: “Keith, Keith, Keith.” Rachel Maddow walks to the edge and beckons Rush to come into the ring. Olbermann points at Limbaugh. Olbermann: “YOU! YOU ARE THE WORST PERSON IN THE *CLANG*…OOFF” Suave: “IT’S THE QUEEN OF POLITICAL EXTREME ANN COULTER! SHE JUST BASHED OLBERMANN OVER THE HEAD WITH A CHAIR!” Maddow charges Coulter. *CLANG* Maddow spins around twice and falls to the canvas. Limbaugh in the ring. He and Coulter kick away at Olbermann and Maddow. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! HERE COMES THE ANGRY LEFT WING BLOGGERS!” Limbaugh and Coulter escape the ring as Arianna Huffington, Professor Paul Krugman, and the Angry Left Wing Bloggers (Daily Kos, Eric Alterman, Media Matters For America, and News Hounds) charge in.
Suave: “WHAT A START TO THIS WEEK’S PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV! AS KEITH OLBERMANN MENTIONED, LAST WEEK RUSH LIMBAUGH ENTERED INTO A PARTNERSHIP WITH ‘SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT GENIUS’ MR. McMANN AND DOMINATION, INC.”
DOMINATION INC. PRESS RELEASE:
Domination Inc. proudly announces a new partnership with the Innovator of Extreme Broadcast Excellence and wildly popular talk show host, Rush Limbaugh.
Mr. Limbaugh is a giant in conservative circles and his talk show reaches millions of people every day. Says Domination Inc. CEO ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann: “We are ecstatic that he’s decided to join us in our quest to become THE premier group in Political Championship Wrestling. With the power of Limbaugh’s IBE Network behind us, Domination Inc. is now well-positioned to acquire the PCW title and thus control all the major PCW titles.”
“I’d like to thank Mr. McMann for his generous offer,” Mr. Limbaugh commented. “As I watch the American Patriots that I knew and loved disintegrate right before my very eyes, I’m convinced that Domination Inc. and Mr. McMann are dedicated to the free market, conservative principles that have long been the backbone of the American Patriots’ movement. Together, we will reclaim the heart and soul of the American Patriots and bring it back to glory.”
ELISABETH HASSELBECK PREGNANT
American Patriots personality Elisabeth Hasselbeck reports that she is pregnant with her third child. We here at Political Championship Wrestling wish Ms. Hasselbeck and her husband Tim the best with her pregnancy and hope that everything turns out just fine.
SARAH PALIN FORMS ‘SARAHPAC’
With Ms. Hasselbeck sidelined, a major change has taken place. The Alaskan Pitbull, Sarah Palin, has decided to split from the American Patriots and form her own splinter group- SarahPac. Kalee Jones- The Eskimo Queen will also leave the American Patriots and join Palin in SarahPac. Palin also was able to lure Hunter the Hunter, and his lethal ‘Bear-Trap’ finisher, away from Politically Incorrect.
No doubt that this is yet another hit for the American Patriots.
Suave: It’s Self-Help Guru Dr. Bill leading SNAFU and the Island of Misfit Wrestlers to the ring in his motorized wheelchair. The good news is that one cast was taken off an ankle last week. However, Dr. Bill’s other ankle and both arms remain in casts. That’s why he’s still in the chair. Two weeks ago, Dr. Bill promised retribution against SNAFU’s opponent tonight- Dave the Mechanic.”
REPLAY- 1/20 PCW Night of Champions
DR. BILL PROMO
Dr. Bill: “All right. You’ve got your wish, Dave. SNAFU has a concussion and he’s still recovering which means we won’t be at PCW Night of Champions. But mark my words. You’re now on the list as well. First, we’ll deal with Escondido. Then, we’ll deal with you. But remember this- when you don’t respond to what happens in the world, you don’t respond to what people say to you. What you do is respond to what you say to yourself about what they say to you. It’s all about you, it’s not about them. Or in other words, we will respond in kind to your attack last week. It doesn’t take a nagging mother-in-law to cry a lot, Dave. And when SNAFU gets through with you, that’s exactly what you’ll be doing. Crying. With your mother-in-law. Or something like that. Now…go take on the day.”
SNAFU w/Dr. Bill and Snott Flemmstein, Jimmy from So Cal- Jim Rome clone wannabee, Michael Hunt and Richard Headd of ‘Guys With Unfortunate First Names Given Their Surname,’ Dread Pirate Douggie, Dick Van Dam aka…DVD, and Dr. Ivan Rectum- Fighting Proctologist (Dr. Bill’s Island of Misfit Wrestlers)
DAVE THE MECHANIC w/Tequila Sheila (Joe SixPacks)
Suave: “The winner of this match gets a shot at the PCW Television title in two weeks on PCW Extreme Political TV.” The bell rings…quick lock up. Dave spins SNAFU into an armbar. SNAFU reverses it. Dave reverses and whips SNAFU into the ropes. SNAFU holds on. They circle. Lock up #2. Knee to the gut by Dave. Fireman’s carry into a slam. SNAFU leg whips Dave off his feet. Slingshot moonsault connects by SNAFU. Quick cover. 1…kickout by Dave. Leg drop by SNAFU who then calls for a chair. The chair is slid in but Dave kicks it away from SNAFU. Kick to the groin. SNAFU covers his privates and falls backwards. Dave grabs the legs and spins into a Boston Crab. SNAFU claws the canvas trying to get to the ropes. Suddenly, a green stream hits Dave in the eyes and he breaks the hold. Suave: “EWWWW. Snott Flemmstein breaks up the hold by spraying snot all over Dave the Mechanic.” Dr. Bill claps in approval and shouts encouragement to SNAFU.
SNAFU bulldogs Dave- who tries to clear his eyes. SNAFU grabs the chair. *CLANG* Dave staggers but doesn’t fall. *CLANG* Now he does. SNAFU slingshot moonsault off the ropes…again connects. SNAFU to the top rope. Tequila Sheila runs over and smacks him in the leg with her blender. SNAFU crotches himself on the top rope and falls out of the ring. Dave finally clears his eyes. Baseball slide out of the ring into an impromptu missile drop kick. SNAFU hits the steel guardrail. Dave has the blender now. *WHAP* SNAFU’s eyes roll up temporarily and he somehow holds himself up. Dave measures SNAFU for a guillotine leg drop. Jimmy from So Cal wanders over and pushes Dave over the guardrail. Jimmy from So Cal: “EPIC!” Dick Van Dam climbs the top rope. Suave: “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. Who the hell is THIS guy?…Dick Van Dam? D…V…D. God help us.” DVD leaps from the top rope. Unfortunately, DVD comes up short and crotches himself on the steel guardrail. Suave: “Ow. That’s why kiddies, leave this to the trained professionals.” DVD passes out after falling off the guardrail.
Dave back up. Exchange of punches on the floor. SNAFU kick to the groin. Back to the ring apron. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! SUICIDE DIVE!” Cover. 1…2… Suave: “NO! TEQUILA SHEILA BROKE THE COUNT.” SNAFU’s pissed and he backs Tequila Sheila into the edge of the ring. Dave grabs a chair. *CLANG* Suave: “BIG MISTAKE! BIG MISTAKE BY SNAFU. HE TOOK HIS EYE OFF DAVE. HOLY CRAP! HE’S GOT THE JUMPER CABLES!” The crowd rises. Dave hits SNAFU with the cables. Suave: “THAT’S IT! THE REF CALLS FOR THE BELL AND DAVE THE MECHANIC WILL GET YET ANOTHER SHOT AT THE PCW TELEVISION TITLE- TWO WEEKS FROM TONIGHT!”
WINNER: DAVE THE MECHANIC
-PCW CEO Barack Obama and the Progressive Alliance are very nervous about tonight’s match. Quadruple R probably has the most talent of any wrestler on the PCW roster but his emotions have tended to get the better of him. PCW Champion O’Beck Bahama continues to improve rapidly with the help of former PCW Champion Justin Sufferable. But if Quadruple R has his head together and can keep in control, this could be Bahama’s toughest title defense in his short reign as champion.
-The story about how the rest of the PCW Jobbers (Snott Flemmstein, Jimmy from So Cal, signed up with self-help guru Dr. Bill is this: given the success FUBAR (now Kevin Scott) and SNAFU has had under Dr. Bill’s tutelage, the whole lot of them showed up in his office last week and begged him to help them out.
-The Schett Brothers are itching to get their hands on Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit. Several members of the Progressive Alliance had to stop them from crashing Domination Inc’s suite Tuesday night and going after the PCW Tag Team Champions.
-After having her fur coat burned up at the hands of Peta from PETA, ‘The Queen of Political Correctness’ Andrea Doria went coat shopping earlier today. She promises to have a brand new coat tonight on PCW Extreme Political TV.
MICHAEL STEELE NAMED NEW EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR OF THE AMERICAN PATRIOTS
After a long and slogging contest against several other candidates, Michael Steele emerged as the new executive director of the American Patriots.
The problem that Steele faces is…who’s left? The American Patriots are now just down to the Bomb Family at this point and their loyalties lie with Arizona’s John McCain. Can Steele stitch back together the fractious elements of the American Patriots? Suffice to say, he will have his work cut out for him.
BACKSTAGE- AMERICAN PATRIOTS LOCKER ROOM
Mitch McConnell and John Boehner bring the new Executive Director of the American Patriots Michael Steele to meet the locker room. When they arrive, they find no one there. Steele: “I see we have our work cut out for us.”
Suave: “Wow? What happened to John McCain? The Bomb Brothers. Hopefully, we’ll find out soon. Last week, a dispute broke out between Politically Incorrect’s Andrea Doria and Peta from PETA.
REPLAY- Last week’s PCW Extreme Political TV
POLITICALLY INCORRECT- Al Cahall, Nic Koteen, NRA, and Hunter the Hunter w/ ‘The Queen of Political Incorrectness’ Andrea Doria
THE ANGRY LEFT WING BLOGGERS- Daily Kos, Eric Alterman, Media Matters for America, and News Hounds w/Professor Paul Krugman
Suave: “IT’S THE GREEN WORLD ORDER!” ‘Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee runs over and pushes Cahall over the edge. Below, GreenPete pulls Daily Kos off the table. *CRUNCH* “HOLY CRAP! CAHALL JUST DESTROYED THAT TABLE!” Crowd: “THIS MATCH ROCKS! THIS MATCH ROCKS!” GreenPete to the ring. Suave:Suave: “PETA FROM PETA IS TRYING TO CHOKE OUT ANDREA DORIA!” Peta, furious at Doria for wearing fur, has a choke hold on her. Doria flips her over her head and Peta from PETA lands on the floor. PeaceNick comes in from behind and slaps a handkerchief full of chloroform on her. Suave: “CHLOROFORM! CHLOROFORM!” Andrea fades out and falls to the floor. Peta from PETA strips her of the fur coat and lays it down. She soaks it in lighter fluid and sets it on fire.
MATCH #2- SIX MAN TAG TEAM ACTION:
POLITICALLY INCORRECT (Al Cahall, Nic Koteen, and NRA) w/Andrea Doria
THE GREEN WORLD ORDER (‘Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee, GreenPete, and PeaceNick) w/Peta from PETA
Peta from PETA is already in Andrea Doria’s grill about her brand new fur coat. Peta grabs the sleeve and tries to pull the coat off. Andrea rakes the eyes and DDT’s Peta. The bell rings and Politically Incorrect attacks. PeaceNick dives from the ring while Brock Cole Lee and GreenPete get pummeled. GreenPete yells at PeaceNick to get his ass in the ring. Double team on Brock Cole Lee. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! DOUBLE SMOKER ON LEE!” NRA tosses GreenPete from the ring. Al Cahall and Nic Koteen reset Lee again. Suave: “DOUBLE SOUTHERN COMFORT!” GreenPete tries to get back in. NRA spears him. Cahall and Koteen cover. 1…2…3.
WINNER: POLITICALLY INCORRECT
Suave: “PeaceNick has the bottle of chloroform.” But Andrea sees him and confronts PeaceNick. He quickly scurries to the back. Suave: “Quadruple R/O’Beck Bahama for the PCW Title…next.”
PCW EXTREME PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL TESSA MARTIN
Narr: “PCW’s Extreme Pizza Deliver Girl Tessa Martin is a prime contender for the PCW Women’s title. She now also has her own show on ESP-TV…
Most days, Tessa Martin is just your ordinary mild mannered college graduate student.
Tessa once again becomes…
PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL!
Written by Mick Kalob. Illustrated by Art Neuveaux
Harking back to the days of the old classic Lost Cause Productions ‘Spandex Tights’ comix by Bryan J.L. Glass, Pizza Delivery Girl stars Tessa Martin as 23 year old grad student at Northwest Ohio State University and part-time pizza delivery goddess.
Pizza Delivery Girl. On ESP-TV.”
Suave: “Well, that’s great to see. Tessa’s worked hard over the past four years and now she’s on the verge of reaching the pinnacle of women’s wrestling here at PCW.”
UPCOMING SCHEDULE OF EVENTS:
2/5- PCW Newsline
2/9- PCW Newsline
2/10- PCW Extreme Political TV from Allentown, PA
2/12- PCW Newsline
2/16- PCW Newsline
2/17- PCW Extreme Political TV
2/19- PCW Newsline
2/23- PCW Newsline
2/24- PCW Extreme Political TV
3/8- PCW Weapons of Mass Political Destruction 2 PPV from New York City
Domination Inc. is already ringside as Justin Sufferable leads O’Beck Bahama down. PCW Security Director Dawn McGill follows- much to the chagrin of Domination Inc.
MATCH #3 PCW TITLE MATCH:
QUADRUPLE R w/CEO ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann, CFO Gordon Guyko, Corporate Spokesperson: Bradley Scott Wilson Esq., Corporate Secretary Richard Emerson Brantley III, Corporate Enforcer: Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, Corporate Counsel: Felcher and Felcher, Kathryn Randall Collins aka KRC, Daisy Cutter-Bomb, Corporate Security: D.B. Ruff and Connor Justice of Rough Justice- 2 former police officers fired from their jobs because of their rough and extreme methods of law enforcement and Kirk Walstreit (Domination Inc.)
PCW Champion O’BECK BAHAMA w/ ‘Not Just Unbearable, Not Just Intolerable, He is…’ Justin Sufferable (Progressive Alliance)
Suave: “All right, here we go. The key as always with Quadruple R is he has to keep his temper in check. He must keep his composure.” The bell rings. Corner charge by Quad R. Bahama grabs his arm and whips him into the corner hard. Quad R staggers out. Clothesline by Bahama right into a figure four. Suave: “BAHAMA GOES FOR THE KILL EARLY! CAN QUAD R REACH THE ROPES?” Barely. Quad R stretches out his leg. He quickly hits a German Suplex on the PCW Champion. Irish whip into the ropes. Bahama ducks the clothesline and hits a sit down slam from behind. Quad R flips back and grabs Bahama’s head with his legs. Head scissors into tilt-a-whirl slam. Elbow drop. Another Irish whip by Quad R. Bahama hits the ropes and Kirk Walstreit tries to drill him in the back with a steel-folding chair. But PCW Security Director Dawn McGill swipes it away from Walstreit. Uproar in the Domination Inc corner. Quad R starts yelling at McGill from the ring. Justin Sufferable sneaks in and Russian Leg Sweeps Quad R with his Singapore cane. McGill sees it and immediately confronts Sufferable. The crowd actually boos as McGill somehow manages to keep order. Suave: “I just have a bad feeling this is going to go off the rails here real soon.”
Still a lot of chirping back and forth between Domination Inc and Dawn McGill. Bahama and Quad R lock up. Quad R pushes Bahama into a neutral corner. Ref orders a break. Quad R steps back and then kick to the gut. And another. And another. Snap suplex. Quad R to the top rope. Flying elbow. Cover. 1…2…easy kick out by Bahama. Walstreit, Ruff, and Justice set a table up in the Domination Inc. corner. Irish whip by Quad R…reversed…Quad R into the table. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! QUAD R SPLIT THAT TABLE IN HALF! Bahama to follow…that’s not a good idea- HE’S GETS HIS HEAD TAKEN OFF BY WALSTREIT!” Walstreit in the ring now. Sufferable in the ring and charges. *TWHACK* Suave: “SINGAPORE CANE SHOT TO WALSTREIT!” Ruff and Justice jump in and attack Sufferable. Dawn McGill wades in. PCW Television Champion Chris Escondido runs down and gets involved. Suave: “THIS IS IT! I KNEW IT! WAIT A MINUTE! HERE COMES RAHMBO! RAHM EMANUEL HITS THE RING…F-BOMB ON RUFF. F-BOMB ON JUSTICE! EMANUEL…DROPS AN F-BOMB ON WALSTREIT! HOLY CRAP! ANOTHER F-BOMB ON D.B. RUFF! F-BOMB ON DAISY CUTTER BOMB! SAY WHAT YOU WILL ABOUT THE NEW LEADER OF THE PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE, BUT RAHM EMANUEL IS NOT AFRAID OF GETTING INTO THE FRAY AND DROPPING A FEW F-BOMBS ON PEOPLE! F-BOMB TO CONNOR JUSTICE! HOLY CRAP! NOW HERE COMES JOHN McCAIN…BEN NELSON? THE GANG OF 14 BACK TOGETHER?” McCain, Nelson, and the Bomb Brothers- A. Tom Bomb, Hy Drogen Bomb, Newt Tron Bomb, Incendiary Bomb, and their manager, S.M. Art Bomb charge into the fray and try to get between Domination Inc and the ring. Suave: “WOW! Incendiary Bomb is the new member of the Bomb family and he’s a freakin’ beast! WAIT! HE’S GOT KIRK WALSTREIT ON THE TOP ROPE. HOLY CRAP! BLUNT FORCE TRAUMA! BLUNT FORCE TRAUMA. HE JUST POWER BOMBED WALSTREIT FROM ON TOP AND HE’S LYING THERE WITH HIS INSIDE TURNED TO JELLO!”
‘The Innovator of Extreme Broadcast Excellence’ Rush Limbaugh and the ‘Queen of Political Extreme’ Ann Coulter come down and they go right to John McCain. Suave: “Limbaugh and Coulter are pleading their case with McCain to side with Domination…WAIT! IT’S KEITH OLBERMANN AND RACHEL MADDOW WITH THE ANGRY LEFT WING BLOGGERS!” Olbermann blasts Limbaugh from behind and Maddow tackles Coulter. Suave: “THIS MATCH IS GONE. PCW SECURITY DIRECTOR DAWN McGILL IS LAYING OUT PEOPLE LEFT AND RIGHT. WE’LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK FROM ALLENTOWN, PENNSYLVANIA AS THE PCW TOUR OF OLD ECW VENUES CONTINUES.”
Buckland County Gazette
Filed under: Average Joe, Barack Obama, Blogs- Pro Wrestling, democrats, Independents, joe six pack, Joe the Plumber, John McCain, Paul Heyman, political satire, Politics, Pro Wrestling, red state, republicans, Small Town America, Third Party, wordpress political blogs Tagged: | Ann Coulter, Countdown with Keith Olbermann, Dr. Phil, ECW, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Extreme Championship Wrestling, Keith Olbermann, Michael Steele, Rachel Maddow, Rahm Emanuel, Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin, Shania Twain, TNA, Vince McMahon, World Wrestling Entertainment, WWE