MATCH #2- PCW EXTREME MARCH MAYHEM TAG TEAM TOURNAMENT CHAMPIONSHIP
#15 DRUNKEN LUCHADORS DAN and DON MARTINI (Independent) vs.
#8 GRIZZLY ADAM and HUNTER the HUNTER w/’The Alaskan Pitbull’ Sarah Palin (SarahPAC)
Suave: “Sunday night, Sarah Palin found herself handcuffed to the ring ropes with Mia Margarita ready to give her the Long Kiss Goodnight SarahPAC’s Kalee Jones was taken down by Domination Inc. Tonight, can SarahPAC rebound and gain a shot at the PCW Tag Team Title? Will Domination Inc. interfere in the match?” The Martinis inbibe in their usual pre-match ritual. Both Martini Brothers chug down a bottle of Jack Daniels and then break the bottle over their heads. Suave: “Yes, it’s a little unorthodox. But what the hell, they used to be the champions. They can do whatever they want.”
The bell rings. Dan Martini and Hunter the Hunter to start. Palin cheers her team on outside the ring. Lock up in the middle of the ring. Hunter goes for an armdrag takedown but Dan stumbles over his own two feet and falls anyways. Hunter with kicks. Dan gets up and inadvertently headbutts Hunter in the balls. Dan stumbles back to the corner- tags Don in. Don attempts to climb in but gets hung up in the ring ropes. Hunter senses an opportunity and charges. Don flops in just as Hunter arrives and eats the corner turnbuckle. Hunter wobbles back and falls over Don. Crowd chants for the Drunken Luchadors. A brief lock up and an attempted knee by Hunter that whiffs when Don staggers out of the way. Hunter tries rights, and then the boots…and misses again. Disgusted, Hunter turns and tags in Grizzly Adam.
Suave: “Well, let’s see if Grizzly Adam has better luck with the Drunken Luchador.” Another lock up. Grizzly picks up Don…press slam. Grizzly picks him up again…bear hug! Grizzly squeezes the hell out of Don. *BRRRACCCKKK!* Suave: “HOLY CRAP! DON MARTINI JUST…BURPED…IN GRIZZLY’S FACE!” Grizzly waves his hand in front of his face to get the smell away. Don staggers back and tags Dan back in. Dan attempts a missile drop kick and misses. Grizzly picks up him and power slams him to the canvas. Dan somehow pulls himself back up. Grizzly charges for a lariat. Dan loses his footing and drops on his seat. Grizzly misses and slams into the turnbuckle. He, too, falls over Dan to the canvas. Dan tries to climb up the corner turnbuckle. He makes it to the top…and falls out of the ring through a table. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! You know? It’s bad enough when someone puts you through a table. But when you put yourself through a table….sheesh.”
Grizzly up on the top of the turnbuckle. Don Martini crawls up to the top rope as well. Martini loses his footing and crotches himself. The movement causes Grizzly to lose his footing and he crotches himself on the other turnbuckle. Don falls back into the Tree of Woe. Hunter the Hunter in the ring. He goes for a baseball slide. Don suddenly tumbles back and his feet connect with Hunter’s forehead as he flips backwards. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! WHAT A MOVE!” Palin can’t believe it. Palin: “OH, COME ON!” Don lands on top of Hunter. 1…2…Hunter kicks out. Dan Martini is back on his feet and trying to climb back into the ring. Palin over. *WHACK* Suave: “She just nailed Dan Martini with the hockey stick!” Dan falls back right into the ‘Alaskan Pitbull’ and steamrolls her over.
Grizzly hits another press slam on Don Martini. Lift and BEAR HUG! Suave: “HE’S GOT IT CINCHED IN! COULD THIS BE…oh, oh.” Don starts to violently wretch. Grizzly squeezes harder. Don wretches and then… Suave: “GREEN SLIME!…no…PROJECTILE VOMIT!” A solid stream of vomit hits Grizzly and he loses his footing. Don passes out on top of him. 1…2…3.
WINNER OF THE TAG TEAM TOURNAMENT: DRUNKEN LUCHADORS DAN and DON MARTINI
Suave: “I DON’T BELIEVE IT! THE DRUNKEN LUCHADORS, OUT OF PCW FOR OVER A YEAR, COME BACK AND TAKE THE PCW MARCH MAYHEM TAG TEAM TOURNAMENT. They’re trying to give them the trophy…but they’re both passed out. Okay…congratulation Martinis and here’s the WRRRRRAHH! Beer Gratuitous Vomiting Moment of the Night.”
REPLAY: THE WRRRRRRRRRAH! BEER GRATUITOUS VOMITING MOMENT OF THE NIGHT
Don wretches in slow motion. He opens his mouth and a stream (think water from a fire hose) of vomit hits Grizzly in the face. He loses his footing. Don passes out. Game over.
Suave: “Well, as they clean up the ring, we’ll be back after this commercial break.”
Suave: “Okay…we’re back and ready for our main event. After what happened Sunday night between Domination Inc. and Kathryn Randall Collins, this could be a real wild ride.”
MATCH #3 PCW EXTREME MARCH MAYHEM WOMEN’S TOURNAMENT CHAMPIONSHIP
#6 DAISY CUTTER-BOMB w/Domination Inc. (Domination Inc.) vs.
#2 KATHRYN RANDALL COLLINS w/Hillary Clinton and the Clinton Political Pitbulls (Progressive Alliance)
Suave: “Here we go!” The bell rings. Suave: “Both women cautiously come out. They lock up in the middle. KRC pushes Daisy down.” Daisy shoots KRC a glare and pops right back up. Suave: “Lock up. OW! Kick to the gut by Daisy Cutter-Bomb. She’s got an arm wringer on now. KRC tries to reverse…and she does. WHOA! BACK KICK BY DAISY AND KRC IS IN SOME SERIOUS PAIN!” KRC doubles over. Then she snaps and rams Daisy’s head into the turnbuckle. Suave: “KRC ramming the head of Daisy Cutter-Bomb over and over and over into the turnbuckle.” Mr. McMann, flanked by his Corporate Enforcer Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, looks on with some concern. Suave: “Body slam by KRC. KRC turns it o-verrrr…into a Boston Crab! ROUGH JUSTICE IN THE RING! HOLY CRAP! D.B. RUFF CLOTHESLINES KRC!” Rahm Emanuel gets on the ring apron and yells at Ruff. The Clinton Political Pitbulls walk to the other end of the ring causing Ruff and Connor Justice to retreat back to their corner.
Suave: “Daisy on offense now. Scoop slam. Off the ropes…elbow drop.” Daisy calls for a chair. Kirk Walstreit obliges. Suave: “She’s got a chair…BUT RAHM EMANUEL TAKES IT AWAY FROM HER!” The crowd cheers. Suave: “HERE COMES ROUGH JUSTICE AGAIN! *CLANG* CHAIRSHOT TO RUFF! *CLANG* CHAIRSHOT TO JUSTICE!” Emnauel turns and faces Daisy Cutter-Bomb. KRC swoops in from behind. Suave: “ROLL-UP! ONE…TWO…NO! DAISY KICKS OUT AT TWO. Front face-lock by KRC. Ruff and Justice crawl from the ring. KRC turns it around…Neckbreaker! Cover. One…two…Daisy kicks out. KRC pulls her up by the hair. That can’t feel good. She drapes her over the ropes.” KRC splashes Daisy from behind driving her throat into the ring ropes. Daisy slingshots off and lands back first on the canvas. Suave: “Nasty move there by KRC. Now Emanuel hands her a chair. *CLANG* HOLY CRAP!” Daisy wobbles and falls into the ropes. *CLANG* Suave: “RIGHT TO THE BACK!” KRC puts the chair down. Suave: “Headlock…DDT ON THE CHAIR! COVER. 1…2…HERE WE GO! IT’S THE QUEEN OF POLITICAL EXTREME ANN COULTER!” Coulter attacks KRC with lefts and rights. Suave: “LAURA INGRAHAM IN THE RING TOO! THEY’RE DOUBLE TEAMING KRC AND RAHM EMANUEL BREAKS IT UP! HERE COMES THE CLINTON POLITICAL PITBULLS! CARVILLE AND BEGALA WADE IN AND WE’VE GOT EVERYONE IN THE RING! THE RIGHT WING BRIGADIERS ATTACKED KRC AND NOW IT’S A FREE FOR ALL. EMANUEL DROPS AN F-BOMB ON D.B. RUFF! OHHHH. COULTER JUST KICKED HIM IN THE NETHER REGIONS. HOLY CRAP! NOW WHO’S COMING DOWN? IT’S THE PCW SECURITY DIRECTOR DAWN McGILL! McGILL GRABS INGRAHAM BY THE HAIR AND FLINGS HER OVER THE TOP ROPE!” The ring slowly clears. Suave: “McGILL KICKS EMANUEL OUT OF THE RING AND TELLS THE DOMINATION INC CONTINGENT THAT THEY’D BETTER STAY RIGHT WHERE THEY ARE.”
McGill and Mr. McMann engage in a conversation. Suave: “Dawn McGill restoring some order to this very important match. The winner meets PCW Women’s Champion ‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin next week for the title. RAKE TO THE EYES BY DAISY CUTTER-BOMB!” Daisy lowers her head and pushes KRC back hard into the corner turnbuckle. Suave: “That’ll knock the wind right out of you.” Daisy does it again. And again. And again. The fifth time, KRC sidesteps and then pushes Daisy headfirst into the turnbuckle. Suave: “KRC rings Daisy’s bell with that move. Daisy staggers back. DIAMOND CUTTER! DIAMOND CUTTER! KRC COVERS. ONE…TWO…NO! DAISY SOMEHOW GETS HER LEFT SHOULDER UP. NOW SHE’S GOT HER UP…AND…YES! POLITICS OF PERSONAL DESTRUCTION! KRC COVERS AND COULTER AND INGRAHAM ARE IN THE RING AGAIN!” Coulter tackles KRC and they start rolling around the ring. Suave: “CAT-FIIIIIIGHT! CAT-FIIIIIIGHT! AND HERE COMES THE ANGRY LEFT WING BLOGGERS!” Daily Kos, Media Matters for America, Paul Krugman, and Arianna Huffington hit the ring. Suave: “AGAIN, THE MATCH BREAKS DOWN AND DAWN McGILL WADES IN. KRC HAD THIS MATCH WON UNTIL THE QUEEN OF POLITICAL EXTREME ANN COULTER TACKLED HER AND STOPPED THE COUNT. McGILL THROWS COULTER THROUGH THE ROPES…WHOA…HUFFINGTON JUST POSTED DAISY CUTTER-BOMB. KRC WITH A SECOND POLITICS OF PERSONAL DESTRUCTION FINISHER. SHE COVERS. ONE…TWO…THREE.
WINNER OF THE PCW EXTREME MARCH MAYHEM WOMEN’S TOURNAMENT: KATHRYN RANDALL COLLINS
Suave: “KRC GETS THE WIN AND THE TITLE SHOT. BUT THIS THING ISN’T OVER YET. AND NOW! WHO? YES IT IS! IT’S BLUE DOG D AND RINO! THESE TWO MAY NOT SHARE THE SAME AFFILITATION BUT THEY’RE COMMITTED TO WORKING TOGETHER. RINO WITH A SPEAR! SPEAR! SPEAR! HE NEARLY TOOK KIRK WALSTREIT’S SKIN OFF HIS BODY. BLUE DOG D TOSSES INGRAHAM. HE TOSSES OUT COULTER. NEXT WEEK, PCW NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS! FOUR TITLE MATCHS AND A WHOLE LOT MORE! I’M JOHNNY SUAVE AND WE’LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!”
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