-Red Shirt Guy vs. Andy Dooney
-Keith Olbermann’s Super Special Comment
-Hallie Burton w/’The Mastermind’ Karl Rove (Dick Cheney’s Extreme Neo-Con Alliance) vs. ‘Trailer Park Sweetheart’ Tanya Hardy w/The White Trash Posse and Trailer Trash Barbi
-Quadruple R w/The God Squad (Dick Cheney’s Extreme Neo-Con Alliance) vs. Al Cahall w/Nic Koteen and ‘The Princess of Political Incorrectness’ Andrea Doria
-Joe Biden Presents ‘THE ULTIMATE HIGH SPOT” with special cameo by High Octane Wrestling’s Hellcat Kirsta Lewis
RED SHIRT GUY (Independent)
ANDY DOONEY (Independent)
Suave: “The action is already underway here on PCW Extreme Political TV. We have two rookie wrestlers trying to impress the PCW brass here tonight. Red Shirt Guy is dedicated to honoring Star Trek’s men in the red shirts who always seemed to be doomed to certain death on away teams. Andy Dooney is a newcomer wrestling his first match ever.” Red Shirt Guy clotheslines Dooney and climbs the top rope. Suave: “Flying elbow on the way…GOT IT! He turns Dooney over for the pin…and he’s leaving?” Red Shirt Guy slides out of the ring and sprints to the back.
The camera follows him as he flies through the front doors and races to a waiting limousine. The limo speeds off. Suave: “Okay. That was weird…what? The match isn’t over yet? Okay…whatever you say.”
SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT- PRESS RELEASE:
P-SPAN CEO Ken Jeffers, Founder Brian Lamb, and Programming Chief Blaine Magner announced yesterday that they have signed Political Championship Wrestling to a new four year contract to continue to provide programming on the political channel.
PCW on P-SPAN will resume in late August as per the deal. More details will be announced and PCW will formally comment on the deal tonight in a special segment on PCW Extreme Political TV.
Suave: “Johnny Suave back here on PCW Extreme Political TV. We’ve got a pretty good tag team match for you tonight between Jack Schett and Bull Schett from Ron Paul’s New Libertarian Army and Cadillac and Jaguar- formerly of Domination Inc. Gina Ramsey confirmed yesterday in the PCW Newsline that Domination Inc. is defunct. It’ll be interesting to see what happens to not only Cadillac and Jaguar but Mercedes and Porsche Lexus as well.”
*YOU’RE THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD!*
Suave: “Well? That could mean only one man…and here he comes.” MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann briskly walks up the aisle and climbs into the ring. Olbermann: “Tonight, I’d like to give one of my patented Super Special Comments about this ridiculous manufactured controversy created by one Sarah Palin.” Suave: “Ridiculous? Manufactured? Letterman’s words pretty much say it all, don’t they?” Olbermann: “Sarah Palin is nothing more than a sanctimonious, holier than thou, exploitative, undignified, pedantic, childish, self-inflicting, insipid, backwards, embarrassing, over-reactive, overreaching, delusional lunatic.” The crowd boos. Olbermann: “David Letterman took the high road throughout this fiasco. He’s the real victim here. Not Palin. Not Palin’s trailer trash children-”
*Def Leppard’s Rock, Rock Til You Drop blares over the loudspeakers*
Suave: “YES! HE’S BACK! IT’S THE EXTREME ENFORCER- WHISKEY…TANGO…FOXTROT!” WTF runs down to the ring. Olbermann tries to get away. WTF grabs him by the belt and pulls him back in. WTF’s hands to Olbermann’s throat. Lift. Chokeslam!. Crowd: “PCW!…PCW!…PCW!” WTF skips out of the ring and pulls a table from underneath. Table pitched into the ring. WTF sets it up. Drags Olbermann back up. Lift. Powerbomb through the table. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Crowd: “PCW!…PCW!…PCW!” Suave: “THE EXTREME ENFORCER IS BACK AND IN RARE FORM HERE TONIGHT.”
CATCH THE LATEST NEWS ON PCW AND OTHER GREAT E-FEDERATIONS AT THESE SITES:
E-Wresting Torch- E-Fed Television, Pay-Per-View, and Classic show reviews
E-Wrestling Nexus- The newest E-Wrestling hotspot to catch up on the latest news, cards, and e-wrestlers in the e-wrestling world
E-Wrestling Magazine- The home for all the latest e-federation news throughout the country.
RED SHIRT GUY (Independent) vs. ANDY DOONEY (Independent) continued…
Red Shirt Guy jumps out of the limo and scrambles to a waiting plane...
Suave: “Ladies and Gentlemen. We just received word that our usual ring announcer, Charlene Ann Beckworth, who gamely decided to come up here despite being 9 months pregnant, has left the building as she’s gone into labor. If we hear anything else this evening, we will pass it on to you.”
MATCH #2 HALLIE BURTON w/’The Mastermind’ Karl Rove (Dick Cheney’s Extreme Neo-Con Alliance) vs. ‘Trailer Park Sweetheart’ TANYA HARDY w/the White Trash Posse and Trailer Park Barbi (Independent)
Suave: “Well? This could be interesting? Or not.” The bell rings. Immediately, Burton launches herself forward and takes Hardy down with a double leg takedown. Reverse hurracanrana off the second rope follows. Burton clotheslines Hardy and sends her sprawling over the top to the floor. Suave: “Burton is all business tonight. She’s a former PCW Women’s champion and trying to find her way back into title contention.” Hardy back in. Burton catches her with a kick climbing in. Leg drop from the top rope by Burton. Cover. One…two- no. Suave: “Easy kickout for Hardy. Burton is taking the action right to her. *SMACK* SHE JUST SLAMMED HARDY’S HEAD ON THE RINGPOST!” Hardy staggers backwards. Suave: “Burton on the top rope again…HURRACANRANA! COVER. ONE…TWO…AGAIN HARDY KICKS OUT!”
Burton pulls Hardy up by the hair. Chinlock. Suave: “Burton slowing down the pace just a bit…WAIT! TRAILER TRASH BARBI ON THE APRON WITH A ROLLING PIN!” *SMACK* Burton breaks the hold and holds her head. Suave: “Hardy with a spinning firemans carry…INTO A BACKBREAKER! COVER. ONE…TWO- BURTON GETS THE SHOULDER UP!” Hardy tries a sunset flip. Burton pushes her back and hits a dropkick to the face. Suave: “HARDY CAUGHT THAT ONE RIGHT ON THE KISSER! SHE’S IN TROUBLE NOW. ANOTHER HURRACANRANA BY BURTON! SPRINGBOARD SENTON! COVER. ONE…TWO…SAVE BY TRAILER TRASH BARBI! HERE COMES THE WHITE TRASH POSSE!” Jeff and Shane whap Burton on the knee with their metal batons. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! BURTON IS DOWN! TRAILER TRASH BARBI HAS THE LEG…FIGURE FOUR! FIGURE FOUR!” Rove in the ring. He grabs Barbi’s shoulders and flings her down, breaking the hold. Suave: “ROVE MAKES THE SAVE ON BURTON BUT SHE’S HURT. HARDY DRIVES THE ELBOW INTO BURTON’S KNEE. AND AGAIN. ROVE TRIES TO BACK HER OFF…” Hardy gives Rove a forearm to the balls. Suave: “LOW-BLOW! LOW-BLOW!” Rove topples over. Hardy grabs Burton’s legs and spins around. Suave: “COULD THIS BE HARDY’S NIGHT? FIGURE FOUR LOCKED IN! BURTON IN TREMENDOUS PAIN! SHE TAPS! HUGE UPSET HERE TONIGHT!”
WINNER: ‘Trailer Park Sweetheart’ TANYA HARDY
Suave: “HARDY’S BIGGEST VICTORY IN PCW EVER! SHE UPSETS THE FORMER PCW WOMEN’S CHAMPION HALLIE BURTON!”
Paramedics wheel Charlene Ann Beckworth out on a stretcher. Her husband Will walks aside her. She is quickly placed inside an ambulance and it leaves.
UPCOMING EVENTS @ http://www.politicalwrestling.wordpress.com :
6/19- PCW Newsline with Gina Ramsey
6/24- PCW Extreme Political TV
6/26- PCW Newsline with Gina Ramsey
7/1- PCW Extreme Political TV
7/3- No Newsline or shows until 7/15
7/15- PCW Extreme Political TV
RED SHIRT GUY (Independent) vs. ANDY DOONEY (Independent) continued…
Red Shirt Guy’s private jet takes off from the airport towards an undisclosed location…
Quadruple R walks to the ring with the God Squad- Reverend Jerry Falwell, Jr., Reverend Pat Robertson, and Reverend Rick Warren.
Suave: “Quad R closely aligning himself with the God Squad.” Quad R: “Al Cahall. Let the record show in front of all of these people, that I am not the Quadruple R you once knew. You see, I used to be…hot tempered…” Crowd: “YOU STILL ARE!” Quad R: “I used to go to any extreme length to win a match…” Crowd: “YOU STILL DO!” Quad R: “And I used to lose matches by letting my emotions get the better of me.” Crowd: “THEY STILL DO!” Quad R cracks a smile. Quad R: “Even silly stuff like that used to get under my skin…but no more. Thanks to the God Squad, I’ve found a newfound balance that my life didn’t used to have. Thanks to the God Squad, I have a newfound purpose driven appreciation for life. So tonight, Al Cahall, don’t expect the old Randy “Road Rage” Richardson. Tonight is the debut of a new Quadruple R- the Right Reverend Randy Richardson.”
QUADRUPLE R w/The God Squad-Rev. Falwell Jr., Rev. Robertson, and Rev. Warren (Dick Cheney’s Extreme Neo-Con Alliance)
AL CAHALL w/Nic Koteen and ‘The Princess of Political Incorrectness’ Andrea Doria (American Heartland Coalition)
Suave: “I guess we’re going to find out real quick just what this new incarnation of Quadruple R is going to be.” The bell rings. Quad R comes out and cuts the ring off. Lock up. Quad R pushes Cahall into the corner. Quad R stomps a mudhole in Cahall. Rev. Robertson wraps the thin ribbon used to keep your place in a hymnal and chokes out Cahall in his corner. Suave: “Um…where’s the change?” Quad R misses a knee drop. Cahall rolls to the floor but he’s still in the wrong part of Dodge. Rev. Warren nails Cahall with a hardcover copy of his book ‘The Purpose Driven Life. Quad R off the top rope with an axehandle to the shoulder. Facebuster on Cahall. Suave: “CAHALL IS GETTING MUGGED. AND HERE COMES NIC KOTEEN!” Koteen hits Quad R with a nasty clothesline. Flying shoulderblock by Koteen. Rev. Warren starts to raise the book again, Koteen sidekicks it into his face. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! WHAT A MOVE BY KOTEEN! KOTEEN THROWS QUAD R BACK INTO THE RING.” Cahall finds his way back in as well.
Staredown. Lockup. Irish Whip by Quad R- Cahall hits a shoulderblock. Cahall back into the ropes- flying shoulderblock. Cover. One…two…kickout. Suave: “I’ll say this much about the new and improved Quad R. So far, he’s keeping it relatively together.” Kick to the gut by Quad R. Spinebuster. Quad R covers. One…two…no. Suave: “CAHALL JUST GOT THAT SHOULDER UP!” Clothesline to Cahall. Rev. Falwell Jr. slides in and distracts Cahall. Quad R hits a suplex. Quad R fires Cahall into the corner and starts pounding away on Cahall. Koteen back in. He ducks a right hand by Quad R. Koteen for a slam, but Warren in and trips Koteen up. Quad R has Cahall perched on the top turnbuckle. He climbs up…top rope Quadruple Plex! Suave: “HE’S GOT HIM! ONE…TWO…THREE!”
WINNER: QUADRUPLE R
Suave: “Well? I’m impressed with how the Right Reverend Randy Richardson held his poise against a good opponent. The proof of his transformation will come when he faces the big guns here in PCW.”
RED SHIRT GUY (Independent) vs. ANDY DOONEY (Independent) continued…
The plane lands on a small airstrip at Cape Canaveral. Red Shirt Guy is whisked from the plane and taken away in a NASA vehicle.
KRC Named #5 in E-Wrestling Torch’s E-Wrestlers of the Week
Congratulations go out to the PCW Women’s Champion Kathryn Randall Collins for making the top 5 E-Wrestling Torch’s E-Wrestler of the week.
PCW GOES LIVE…
Johnny Suave sits at a table in the patio of Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon. A wrestling ring sits directly behind him and Andy Dooney lays on the canvas- the same position he was when the Red Shirt Guy-Dooney match was suspended. High Octane Wrestling star Kirsta Lewis stands on the ring apron watching the sky forelornly.
Suave: “Hey, everyone. Johnny Suave here live at Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon. We originally going to show the match between Jack and Bull Schett and Cadillac and Jaguar but as you may know- some breaking news intervened and that match can be seen next Wednesday here on PCW Extreme Political TV. The news has been flying around from the EWrestling Zine to the EWNexus to the EWTorch about what went down with High Octane Television…hold on…” Suave looks behind him and does a doubletake. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! THAT’S HOW STAR KIRSTA LEWIS!…HERE IN PCW? WHAT’S GOING-” Joe Biden walks to a podium. Suave: “Hold on. All right, at this time, PCW CEO Barack Obama’s aide de camp, Joe Biden, will address what took place.
Biden stands behind the podium in front of the wrestling ring. Dooney is now playing cards with Lewis in the ring to keep himself busy.
Biden: “Thank you all for coming on such short notice. Ladies and gentlemen, as you know, HOTv announced a couple days back that they were going to air only High Octane Wrestling programming even though PCW had signed on with them. Now, when I heard that, and knowing that Barack was out of town, I thought to myself, what am I gonna tell him? I know, I’m gonna tell him his teleprompter is broken. That’ll distract him. But then, it just goes to show that literally, I was right after all- Even if we did everything right, if we did it with absolute certainty, there’s still a 30 percent chance we’re going to get it wrong. Well, in this case we did. My memory may not be as good as Chief Justice Roberts, God bless him, was on Inauguration Day…snicker…but I always thought a deal was a deal. When I was told about this, the first thing I wanted to do was literally hear it for myself. I asked one of my aides, ‘Hey! Do you know the website number?’ Well, I looked it up and literally here’s what the press release said:
“Look I have complete control of the Wrestling and the Network and I am immediately canceling all the shows that have been broadcasting here on the High Octane Television network. The fact is that the risk is not worth the reward as we have seen companies like Ringside Wrestling, XWW, Saints Haven and several others either close or go thru ownership changes. There are just no good solid stable companies out there and although Siberian Wrestling does look promising as does PCW, I am just not going to gamble anymore now that I have complete control.
From this point on the only shows that will be aired here on the HOTv network will be shows directly related to High Octane Wrestling and that includes weekly shows, PPV’s and of course any shows the wrestlers do themselves.
Again there is just no reason to continue to try and help companies out that cannot help themselves. HOW is a proven company and has been going non stop for over a year now with no late shows and solid ratings throughout.
Thanks to all those that made an attempt to join the HOTv family but right now we are keeping HOTv in the family and that will start next Thursday with Turmoil!”- Lee Best, HOTv
Biden: “Okay. I take exception to a couple things here. One. PCW has been going on for 4 straight years. As a result, we’ve literally created plenty of steady of what is my favorite three-letter-word- jobs…j-o-b-s… jobs. Two. Help companies out that cannot help themselves? Well, PCW may not be one of the…big three…e-federations out there but we’ve literally more than doubled our viewership since Barack Obama, God bless him, was named the PCW CEO in November. Our matches may not literally read like a chapter from Tolstoy’s War and Peace. Our wrestlers may not do death defying, literally unrealistic stunts disguised as extreme spots. We may not have the fancy websites and such. But we have heart. And we put out a damn good product week in and week out. While some federations literally switch off their belts every week, we here in PCW have a different idea. Belts mean something here. O’Beck Bahama, God bless him, chased the former PCW Champion Starz N. Stripes for nine ****ing months before he finally won the PCW Title. Here in PCW, titles aren’t won. They’re earned.” Biden pauses.
Jake Tapper raises his hand. Jake: “Joe, I’m a little confused here. Is PCW officially upset about this or not?” Biden: “Upset? No. I’m here tonight to show that PCW is just as exciting as all those other federations. Lee Best fell 40 feet from a helicopter through a cell at HOW War Games and left just a dent on the ring canvas. Whoop-de-****ing do. TONIGHT! ONE OF OUR PCW BOYS IS GOING TO GO ONE BETTER!” Jake: “Joe, what the hell are you trying to say?” Biden: “WHAT AM I TRYING TO SAY? JAKE OPEN YOUR ****-ING EYES AND LISTEN! WE ARE GOING TO DO THE BIGGEST, BADDEST, HIGHSPOT EVER IN PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING! IT’S GOING TO KICK TOTAL A–” PCW CEO Barack Obama walks in.
Barack: “Joe, calm down. It’s okay, really.” Biden: “It’s okay?” Barack: “Jake, to answer your question- no. We are not upset at all with High Octane Television. I spoke with Lee Best last night and we’re fine. I look at it like this- they did what they felt they had to do. PCW needs to do what we need to do. Joe, you did know we re-signed with P-SPAN, right?” Biden: “We did? Yes…I knew that.” Barack: “And even though, High Octane TV would have been a unique opportunity that would have benefitted PCW, in the end, we’re just as well off as we were before. We will still be affiliated in some fashion with HOW. Everything’s fine.” Biden: “Oh…okay.” Obama turns and sees Kirsta Lewis and Andy Dooney sitting and playing cards in the ring. Barack: “Uh Joe? Why is there a ring set up behind me?” He notices Lewis in the ring. Barack: “Kirsta, how are you?” Lewis half waves and goes back to her card game. Barack: “And why is HOW star Kirsta Lewis and Andy Dooney in the ring playing cards?” Biden: “Um…well…no reason…really.” Lewis throws down a card and wins the hand. Dooney throws down his cards in disgust. Barack: “O-kay. Well, unless anyone has any more questions.”
Jake Tapper raises his hand. Barack: “Jake?” Jake: “Mr. CEO, Joe Biden said something a few minutes ago about the ‘biggest, baddest highspot ever in professional wrestling that will, and I quote here, kick total ass.’ Um…can you elaborate on that?” Barack: “Huh?” Obama looks at Biden. Biden looks sheepish. Barack: “Joe? What is he talking about?” Biden: “Well…you see…the other weekend Lee Best fell 40 feet from a helicopter. We were going to…um…top that.” Barack: “With what?” Biden covers his mouth so he can’t be heard. Barack: “What?” Biden again covers his mouth and responds. Barack: “Joe? What did you do?”
REPLAY: MORNING NEWS COVERAGE OF THE SPACE SHUTTLE LIFT-OFF
Red Shirt Guy, mission Commander Mark Polanksy, and the other six astronauts board the Space Shuttle Endeavor. The shuttle takes off early this morning.
Barack: “You didn’t.” Biden smiles. Barack: “We have to stop him. There’s no way he’ll make it through the atmosphere.” Biden: “He won’t?” Barack: “NO!” Biden: “Oh. Who’ve thunk that.” Barack goes to a live feed on the shuttle.
LIVE FEED FROM THE SHUTTLE PAYLOAD BAY
The Shuttle payload bay doors are open. It’s complete chaos as Red Shirt Guy struggles with the other 7 astronauts. “You can’t do that. You’ll die.” Red Shirt Guy pushes one astronaut away. “Only an idiot would think he’d survive a fall like that.” Red Shirt Guy gives another astronaut a stunner. The astronaut flops twenty feet into the air before returning to the payload bay floor. Red Shirt Guy follows with a missile drop kick and sends an astronaut flying forty feet across the Bay where he slams into the payload bay wall. One astronaut grabs him from behind. Backkick to the groin. Backfist by Red Shirt Guy sends the astronaut flying into another wall. Red Shirt Guy: “BANZAI!” He leaps from the shuttle in the elbow drop position and hurtles back towards Earth.”
Lewis looks up in horror. Lewis: “OH MY GOD! (in slow motion) N-NOOOOOOOOOO!”
Everyone turns and looks up. Red Shirt Guy’s voice: “WOW! THIS IS GREAT! I CAN SEE…THE WHOLE WORLD MAN, THIS IS AWESOME!” Dooney lays back down on the mat and prepares for the spot.
Red Shirt Guy’s voice: “Hey…it’s starting to get a little warm up here…” Biden: “Maybe someone should go cover that guy in the ring.” Lewis starts slapping Biden. Biden: “Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!…” Red Shirt Guy’s voice: “…Actually, it’s getting rather toasty up here…*sniff* *sniff* hmmm, something’s burning…I wonder what it could be?” Barack slaps his forehead, sighs, and starts shaking his head. Red Shirt Guy’s voice: “…Oh…I see…my suits on fire……MY SUITS ON FIRE? ARRGHHHHH- *STATIC*
Pretty light show.
Lewis’s demeanor turns from shock and awe to normal. Lewis: “Well, who’s up for a beer? I’m buying.” Barack: “Right…no more questions.” Barack leaves and drags Biden with him…
Other political stories:
Huff Post, Virginian, Full Ginsberg, J Harvey, Washington City Paper, Pinstripe Bindi, Huff Post, McLean’s CA, Calif.Blue Dog, Blogs of Micah, Gholsten Post, Mudflats, Mudflats, Shannyn Moore, CNN, Fastidious, CNN, CNN,
Filed under: Average Joe, Barack Obama, Blogs- Pro Wrestling, democrats, Independents, joe six pack, Joe the Plumber, Paul Heyman, political satire, political wrestling, Politics, Pro Wrestling, red state, republicans, Small Town America, Third Party, wordpress political blogs Tagged: | C-SPAN, David Letterman, ECW, Extreme Championship Wrestling, Geekery, joe biden, Keith Olbermann, NASA, Pat Robertson, Rick Warren, Ring of Honor, ROH, Ron Paul, Star Trek, TNA, World Wrestling Entertainment, WWE