SHOW: BCEW Politics is War
Originally broadcast: October 15th, 2006
HOUR ONE:
‘Sports Entertainment Guy’ Seg McMann talks to the locker room before the show. He repeats his mantra for the umpteeth time that people want to see ‘sports entertainment,’ not ‘wrestling.’ He tells them he doesn’t want to see anything extreme because that’ll turn people off. “They don’t want to see that,” McMann says, “they want to see stories, eye candy, soap opera for men. And that’s what we’re going to give them!”
Peacenik #1 and #2 stand up and protest the name of the show “BCEW-Politics Is War!” War is bad they tell McMann and they want a more peaceful, utopian type name for the show. The Peaceniks also want the violence toned down and to win more matches. Then Nic Koteen and Al Cahall of Politically Incorrect responds by telling them that they’re not putting up with their smug, self-righteous, and sanctimonious crap anymore. “You (bleep)-holes are just as bad as the (bleep)-ing God Squad,” says Cahall, “trying to tell us what to do and what to think!” Then Rev Robertson and Rev Falwell of the God Squad get into it. McMann tries to get control back of the meeting and tells Politically Incorrect that they will face the Green World Order and the God Squad in a three way unextreme, ultra non-violent tag team match later tonight. Politically Incorrect and the God Squad look at Seg as if he was crazy.
A. Tom Bomb (A-Bomb) immediately objects and is joined by his brothers Hy Drogen Bomb (H-Bomb) and Newt Tron Bomb (N-Bomb). “This is wrestling! Not some pansy-ass soap opera!” A-Bomb says. Seg tells all three Bomb Brothers that they’re too extreme for the new cable show and that they can have the night off.
McMann then asks for volunteers to participate in the Extreme Strip Euchre game to take place at the end of the show. No one volunteers. Seg waits…and waits…
LIVE OPEN
Johnny Suave welcomes everyone to the first ever “BCEW- Politics Is War” on the Comic Book Channel. “We are live at Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon in Westville, Ohio!” Suave says and then makes an obligatory mention that the President of the Comic Book Channel, Bruce Cooley, is watching the show from his basement. Bruce waves to the camera. Then his mother yells at him “BRUCE! GET YOUR ASS UP HERE AND TAKE THE GARBAGE OUT LIKE I TOLD YOU TOO!” “AW COME ON MOM!” Bruce yells back. “CAN’T YOU SEE I’M WATCHING WRESTLING ON TV?
“As I said,” Suave says, “forty years old and living in his mother’s basement.”
Backstage, Seg tries to talk the Bomb Brother’s Valet, Daisy Cutter-Bomb, into participating in Strip Euchre game. She turns him down flat.
Match #1- Paris Hilton of the Skanky Rich Bimbos vs. Shanna Moakler in an Extreme Fluffy Pillow Fight
“Here is our first match on BCEW Politics Is War,” Suave announces and then adds embarrassedly, “and it’s an Extreme Fluffy Pillow Fight?” Suave then calls it crap. *MEOW* He perks up when Paris Hilton’s new song comes on and the Skanky Rich Bimbo herself comes out dressed in a frilly lace nightgown. “Well, at least it’s getting better with Paris Hilton in the match.” Then her opponent, former Playboy playmate Shanna Moakler, comes out also dressed in nighttime apparel. “Actually, it’s getting a lot better now,” Suave adds. Seg McMann goes to the ring and proclaims that it’s fitting that this type of match kicks off Politics Is War. Suave makes retching noises.
Seg grins as both women come out and start swinging a fluffy pillow at each other. It’s amusing for a few seconds. But Shanna tires of it and clocks Paris in the jaw. “Wait!,” Seg says, “you’re not supposed to do that!” Moakler then drives Hilton down and wails on her some more. Seg attempts to stop Shanna by pulling her off Paris. Shanna stands up and clocks Seg sending him flying across the ring. “YEAH!” Suave stands up and shouts, “THAT’S MORE LIKE IT!” The crowd chants “SHE’S EXTREME!” Suddenly, Nicole Richie races in and tackles Moakler. The two women start rolling around the ring. “CATFIGHT!” yells Suave, “CATFIGHT!” Paris jumps in and there’s more rolling around until the referee finally calls the match. The crowd cheers and chants “BCEW.” “I guess after all the rumors and stories over the months this means the SRB are officially back together!” Suave says.
Winner: No one.
Seg McMann stalks off to the back and runs into the Green World Order’s Peta from PETA. Seg attempts to talk Peta into participating in the Strip Euchre game. She not only turns him down but she slaps him for good measure too. “Good!” Suave comments.
Charlene Ann Beckworth comes out to introduce the next match between Little Paulie of the American Bikers and the Rookie Sensation Starz N. Stripes. She doesn’t make through three words when “Triple R” Road Rage Randy comes out. “Aw geez, what the hell does he want?” Suave gripes. Triple R pushes people out of the way and climbs into the ring. Suave recaps what took place last week on BCEW Extreme Political TV. Triple R tried to make Charlene Ann change her Bowling Green State University jersey because he claimed Ohio was ‘Ohio State’ country. Charlene Ann refused. Triple R attempted to take her shirt off himself and Little Paulie came out and laid him out. To add insult to injury, Charlene Ann kicked him in the balls. He goes after Charlene Ann but both Little Paulie and Starz N. Stripes block his way. Triple R starts brawling with both men and the bell rings.
Match #2- Three Way Dance between Little Paulie of the American Bikers (Independent), Starz N. Stripes (American Patriots), and “Triple R” Road Rage Randy (Who the hell knows?)
“It’s a three way dance,” Suave proclaims. The fans chanted for Little Paulie as he worked on Triple R in the corner then landed a high back body drop. Triple R came back and nailed Little Paulie in the face with a back elbow smash and then he knocked the Rookie Sensation Starz N. Stripes off the apron to the base of a table. Triple R then slingshot over the ropes and plowed the Rookie Sensation back into the table. He took Starz back into the ring and scored a nearfall. Little Paulie nailed Triple R with a high-elevated dropkick off the ropes. Starz N. Stripes followed with a high kick in the corner for a nearfall. Another ‘BCEW’ chant broke out from the appreciative fans.
Meanwhile, NASCAR race driver Brian Vickers comes out as a special guests and discusses his first ever Nextel Cup victory at Talladega with Johnny Suave.
Little Paulie clotheslines Triple R over the top rope and he falls to the floor. Little Paulie climbs the top turnbuckle and lands a devastating elbow on Triple R on the outside. Starz N. Stripes then gets into the act and does the same thing. All three men brawl on the outside. They come around towards the announcer’s table just as Brian Vickers is finishing up his interview with Johnny Suave. Vickers scoot his chair out just as Triple R walks by. Triple R trips on the leg of the chair and tumbles forward into Little Paulie and both fall into the steel barricade. “I DON’T BELIEVE IT! VICKERS JUST KNOCKED OUT BOTH LITTLE PAULIE AND TRIPLE R!” Starz pins Little Paulie for the easy win outside the ring.
Winner: Starz N. Stripes (with a little assist from NASCAR driver Brian Vickers)
“HOLY CRAP,” Suave observes, “The Rookie Sensation Starz N. Stripes get the win thanks to Brian Vickers knocking out his two opponents by accident!”
———————-
From our good friends at High Octane Wrestling:
WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Issac Slade vs. Aceldama©
ICON CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Maximillian Kael vs. Shane Reynolds©
LSD CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Chris Kostoff or Christopher America vs. David Black©
HALL OF FAME RESPECT IS EARNED MATCH
Mark O’Neal vs. Darkwing
BOBBINETTE CAREY AS SPECIAL REFEREE MATCH
Kirsta Lewis vs. Scottywood vs. Chris Kostoff
FINAL ENCOUNTER
Trip Eisen vs. Trent©
The Match Only a Mother Could Love
Bob Jared vs. Embosser
——————–
HOUR TWO:
Seg McMann goes up to Buckland County Sheriff Gina “Gigi” Ramsey and asks her to participate in the Strip Euchre game. Ramsey actually gives some consideration to the idea but she turns Seg down again. Seg looks frustrated.
Seg McMann- BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin segment
Seg goes to the ring. “Well,” Suave says, “Mr. Sports Entertainment doesn’t seem to be having a very good night!” Seg takes the microphone. “I bet you’ve all been wondering where the BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin has been?” Suave shouts back, “Hell yeah!” The crowd starts up a ‘(bleep)-hole’ chant. McMann ignores them and points to the video screen. Tessa is chained up in the basement of the Alpha Sigma Sigma house while a smug Skip, the president of the Alpha Sigma Sigma house taunts her. “This has nothing to do with wrestling!” Suave protests. Again McMann tells the audience that this is kind of stuff they want to see. Stories. Babes in action. “Right Bruce?” McMann says.
Cut to Bruce’s basement. The President of the Comic Book Channel flashes a thumbs up sign. Bruce appears to be enjoying the show until his mother yells down to him again to “get off your ass and take the damn garbage out!” “I SAID I’D TAKE IT OUT AFTER THE (BLEEP)-ING SHOW MOM!” he shouts back up.
McMann tells Skip to go ahead. “Go ahead with what?” Suave asks. Skip then introduces a prominent Alpha Sigma Sigma alumni and noted hypnotist, Dr. Avery Von Rickshaw,’ who comes out and hypnotizes the Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl and she falls into a trance. “AW COME ON!,” Suave says echoing the crowd who chants “BORRRRR-ING.” Dr. Von Rickshaw asks Skip what does he want to use her for? “Power?” Dr. Von Rickshaw asks with a bit of an evil flair, “World Domination?” “I want her to do a striptease for me,” Skip replies. Dr. Von Rickshaw seems surprised. “I would have gone with world domination myself,” he tells Skip, “But that’s just me.”
“Wasn’t that great?” Seg gushes, “you guys like that stuff!” The crowd’s reaction suggest otherwise. “You’re kidding right,” Suave asks sarcastically. “This is what Sports Entertainment is all about? Don’t get me wrong, the BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl is nice to look at but this ‘storyline’ is crap!”
Match #3- Three Way Tag Team between Nic Koteen and Al Cahall of Politically Incorrect (Independent), Peacenik #1 and #2 of the Green World Order (Progressive Alliance), and Rev Robertson and Rev Falwell of the God Squad (American Patriots) in an ‘Unextreme, Non-Violent’ Match.
“What, are they going to pillow fight too?” Suave asks. Seg gets on the microphone and again tells the combatants no extreme, ultraviolent stuff. The crowd boos and a “Seg Sucks ****” chant starts. Furious, Seg tells the audience that they know nothing about sports entertainment and that he is the king of sports entertainment. More boos. Seg tells them to shut up. “As long as the President of the Comic Book Channel likes it, the rest of you can just kiss my ass! Right Bruce?”
Cut back to Bruce’s basement. Again, he flashes a thumbs up sign. But then his TV turns off and then the basement goes black when Bruce’s pissed off mother cuts off the power downstairs because he hasn’t taken the garbage out. “MOM!” Bruce’s voice is heard from the darkness.
Seg awkwardly smiles and tells the referee to ring the bell. The match begins with Nic Koteen, Peacenik #1, and Rev. Robertson who basically come out and just circle each other. Everytime Koteen feigns going after Peacenik #1, the GWO member shouts out ‘non-violence, non-violence.’ This goes on for another minute before the fans starting getting restless. “Okay, this is exciting,” Suave says, “non-violence in a wrestling match. Isn’t that an oxymoron?” The audience begins to throw debris into the ring when Daisy Cutter-Bomb leads out the three Bomb Brothers and a mystery fourth member to a standing ovation. Seg is furious and gets on the mic. “YOU WERE GIVEN THE NIGHT OFF!” he screams, “GET THE **** OUT OF HERE NOW!” The new member of the Bomb Brothers, named ‘Sign Dude’ because he carries a stick with a sign board on it, shows Seg his new sign: “SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT SUCKS!” The crowd cheers loudly while Seg throws a fit in the ring. Daisy hops into the ring along with A-Bomb and H-Bomb. The God Squad bail out on the match and leave. Politically Incorrect stay off to the side. Only the Peaceniks remain. “Get away from me,” Seg tells the Bomb Brothers.
Peacenik #1 hands #2 a chloroform-covered handkerchief and #2 tries to sneak around A-Bomb. Nic Koteen, a victim last week of a similar occurrence, immediately intercepts Peacenik #2, takes away the handkerchief, and then uses it on Peacenik #2. Peacenik #1 can’t believe it. He tries to get to Nic but runs into an A-Bomb choke slam and then Daisy grabs Seg and drops him with a DDT. Sign Dude throws in a couple tables and Daisy sets them up. “YES!” Suave shouts, “I LIKE WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT!” Both Peaceniks and Seg are draped over the tables and A-Bomb and H-Bomb both climb turnbuckles. Simultaneously, both men leap from the turnbuckles and plow the Peaceniks and Seg right through the tables. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave exclaims and the crowd again chants ‘BCEW!’ “THAT’S MORE LIKE IT!” Suave says as the Bomb Brothers celebrate in the ring with their new member Sign Dude.
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From our friends at Dream Wresting Federation Mike Polowy versus Kelly Evans
Women’s Championship
Cody Brews versus Jak Nemesis
Team Danger versus USXF
Owen Manton versus Lupin Cy
T-Money versus Myles Jake
Level-One versus Pierce
Non-Title
——————-
BCEW Extreme Strip Euchre Game
Since no one from BCEW volunteered, Seg, who’s absent for this segment, brought in four models to play strip euchre. The problem? They don’t know how to play euchre. “What are we playing anyways?” says one. “I don’t know,” says another followed by various inane comments such as: “How do you play this game?” “So what are we supposed to do?” “I guess just take off our clothes.” “Oh…okay.” “I hate cards,” says another. “You know I really hate,” says yet another, “when you check your email and there’s these messages about Viagra and other stuff.” “You mean spam.” “Spam?” “Yeah Spam!” Suddenly, an Eskimo dressed in a parka and some professorial, collegiate type guy with a microphone bust into the room. The girls scream and the Eskimo says something in Eskimoese. “Chinook the Spam Hunting Eskimo says, where is the spam that you talked about?” says his guide Dr. Tim Frost-Free who translates what Chinook is saying. The shocked girls don’t answer and then Chinook tears the place apart looking for spam.
“Okay. That was just weird,” Suave says. “Suffice to say, things have not gone tonight the way ‘Sports Entertainment Guy’ Seg McMann thought they would.”
Match #4- Justin Sufferable (Progressive Alliance) vs. BCEW Champion ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido (Independent)
“On a show that’s been curiously devoid of politics,” Suave observes, “finally here’s a match that has some.” Sufferable comes out. “This is big,” Suave says, “the Progressive Alliance would love to have the BCEW title back in their stable.” Escondido, the independent, comes out alone. Sufferable gets on the mic and tells Escondido nothing can stop him tonight from becoming the new BCEW champion. Then he does his catchphrase: “Not just intolerable. Not just unbearable. I am Justin Sufferable!”
The match gets underway and both men trade punches back and forth before Sufferable drop kicks Escondido and puts him in a bear hug. Escondido gets out of the hold and throws himself back against the ropes. He runs into a clothesline from Sufferable. Sufferable then comes off the turnbuckle, but Escondido counters with back kick and then an enzuigiri, spin kick, and a monkey flip. Great action and the crowd cheers for both men. Sufferable hits a running spin kick in the corner on Escondido followed by a side kick from the top turnbuckle and then he goes up top for a splash. Escondido comes in to stop him and Sufferable then leaps and hits a super kick on Escondido. Sufferable climbs the turnbuckle and Airs himself off Escondido’s back sending him to the opposite corner. Escondido responds with a clothesline that sends Sufferable over the top rope to the floor. Escondido goes up top and hits the big splash and Sufferable outside the ring. Again, the crowd goes crazy over the work that both men are doing. A ‘BCEW!’ chant follows. “This is a great match!” gushes Suave.
“HOLD ON!” a voice says offscreen, “HOLD ON A SECOND!” “Oh no!” Suave says as a bruised and battered Seg McMann and Skip, the President of the Alpha Sigma Sigma house, lead the hypnotized BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin out to the ring. “It’s time for the moment you all have been waiting for!” McMann says and then adds, “and me too.” Skip has an evil grin. The match stops in its tracks. The crowd boos when McMann orders Tessa to go into the ring and do a strip tease. All three climb in the ring. “THIS IS RIDICULOUS!” Suave shouts, agreeing with the objecting crowd, “HE’S STOPPING A GREAT MATCH FOR HIS OWN EGO GRATIFICATION! As the crowd loudly jeers, Seg sits down in chair. “OH COME ON!” Suave says as Tessa slowly removes her shoes, socks, jeans, and finally her shirt, “THIS IS NOT RIGHT ON SO MANY LEVELS!” Down to her undergarments, Seg gets a drooling, sick smile on his face when Tessa begins to lift up her sports bra. Skippy also literally has his tongue sticking out like a wolf. Then, Tessa motions for both Seg and Skip to come over. Suave is apoplectic at this point. Seg and Skip walk over and again Tessa begins to lift up her sports bra. Then she smiles and swiftly grabs both Seg and Skip and… AIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE! (in stereo) …gives them the testicular claw. The crowd explodes. “YES!” Suave says, “YES! YES! YES!” In intense pain, both Seg and Skip’s face turn red and then blue. “Again, Justin Sufferable doesn’t get his chance to defeat Chris Escondido!” Suave recaps, “he may have to wait until November’s Pay Per View “BCEW-Extreme Election Night!” Seg and Skip finally pass out. “Thank you Tessa!” Suave says as the crowd shouts out ‘BCEW’ to end the night.
Filed under: Average Joe, Blogs- Pro Wrestling, Independents, Joe the Plumber, Paul Heyman, Politics, Pro Wrestling, Small Town America, Third Party, democrats, joe six pack, political satire, political wrestling, red state, republicans | Tagged: ECW, Extreme Championship Wrestling, Paris Hilton, pizza delivery, pizza delivery girl, Ring of Honor, ROH, Shanna Moakler, TNA, Vince McMahon, World Wrestling Entertainment, WWE
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