Kimber Marshall walks to the ring. Kimber: “Ladies and gentlemen, Tiger Wood was supposed to make a guest appearance here tonight. You know, he’d come out…do the mea culpa…The Extreme Equalizer Whiskey Tango Foxtrot would come out and chokeslam him. However, PCW got word from Tiger’s high priced attorney that Woods would not be making his appearance here and is secluded in his mansion in the exclusive Windemere gated community…huh?…what?…hold on…I’m getting word from the back…”
Cut to: Windemere Gated Community
It’s a guard at the entrance. He’s had a relatively boring day. Nothing of note happening. Then a car comes up to the gate and slams on the brakes. The car door opens…it’s…the Extreme Equalizer Whiskey Tango Foxtrot! The guard attempts to stop him…KICK! WHAM! CHOKESLAM! WTF gets back in his car. The wheels squeal and the car breaks through the gate. WTF fishtails the car as he makes the turn onto Tiger Wood’s street. He locks up his brakes as he reaches the palatial estate and slides into the driveway. He bursts through the gate with the car into the circle drive.
WTF exits the car. First, Tiger Wood’s attorney runs out. Atty: “No, no, no! I told PCW- urk!” KICK! WHAM! CHOKESLAM! WTF charges inside the house. He reaches Wood’s wife, Elin. WTF: “Where is he?” She points to a closed door. Elin: “In the den.” Woods’s voice: “ELIN! NO!” WTF: “Thank you.” WTF breaks door the door. Woods’s voice: “Now, wait. I said I was sorry. I’m sorry-urk…” KICK! WHAM! CHOKESLAM!
Crowd: “PCW…PCW…PCW!” Suave just shakes his head. Suave: “Rick and Chastity, take it away.” Fantastic: “Thanks Johnny. Let’s go to the ring.”
MATCH #6 for the Missouri Valley Wrestling Title
Miss USA (c)
Jack Zenk in the ring. Zenk: “Our next match is for the Missouri Valley Wrestling Title. Coming out first…”
The video screen goes to just outside a dressing room in the back. A police escort is waiting at the door. One of the policemen knocks on the door.
Policeman: “Ms. Berg. It’s time.”
The door opens and four large male bodybuilding types walk out of the dressing room surrounding a petite woman and her male assistant in the middle. Jill-Berg is busy talking on her cell phone while Jerry, the male assistant, furiously scribbles down notes as the group makes their way towards the ring.
The procession emerges from the back and starts their way down the ramp.
Her assistant has a microphone and a portable tape recorder. He flips it on.
The group then continues towards the ring leaving the police escort behind.
The bodyguards assist Ms. Berg into the ring. She, Jerry, and two bodyguards immediately go to a corner.
Berg continues to talk on her cell phone.
Zenk: “Weighing in at 95 pounds, from Financial District of New York City, she is the phenomenon known as- Jill-Berg!” Crowd: “JILLLLLL-BERRRG! JILLLLLLL-BERRRG!” Zenk: “And her opponent…”
*Music to Toby Keith’s “Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue” begins*
My daddy served in the army
Where he lost his right eye
But he flew a flag out in our yard
Until the day that he died
He wanted my mother, my brother, my sister and me
To grow up and live happy
In the land of the free.
The crowd explodes when Miss USA appears.
Zenk: “Weighing in at 117 pounds, from Haines City, FL, she is the Missouri Valley Wrestling Title- Miss USA!.”
Hey Uncle Sam
Put your name at the top of his list
And the statue of liberty
Started shakin her fist
And the eagle will fly
Man, its gonna be hell
When you hear mother freedom
Start ringin her bell
And it feels like the whole wide world is raining down on you
Brought to you courtesy of the red white and blue
Fantastic: “Miss USA versus Jill-Berg. Earlier in the night, Paige McGillicutty reported that Jason Carmondy made it clear to Jill-Berg that her match against Miss USA tonight does NOT have a no DQ stipulation and any interference on the part of her ‘bodyguards’/hired contractors will result in a disqualification. Let’s see how that affects the match.”
(ring, ring, ring)
Fantastic: “There’s the bell. No movement from Jill-Berg. Miss USA takes a couple steps out. No movement from Berg’s bodyguards either. Miss USA takes another step closer. She extends her arms out.” Chastity: “She’s probably wondering what’s going on.” Fantastic: “Someone else is in the ring…” The mystery woman spins Miss USA around. Kick to the stomach. She flips over Miss USA in a reverse body scissors and then uses the momentum to pull her down to the mat back first. Fantastic: “Flipping Powerbomb?” Chastity: “Rick. The referee has called for the bell! Jill-Berg is being disqualified.” Jerry nudges Berg and whispers something in her ear. She immediately becomes irate. Berg pushes past the bodyguards and gets in Referee Ron Martin’s grill. Fantastic: “Jill Berg is furious.” Suddenly, she whirls around and kicks the hell out Martin. Fantastic: “Tornado kick! Jill-Berg just took the referee out!” Martin drops like rock. Berg drags him up and drapes him over her shoulder. Fantastic: “JACKHAMMER! BERG HAS SNAPPED. Now Rieka, we’ve identified the woman in the ring by the way, grabs Miss USA and holds her for Berg. Machine gun kicks to Miss USA. SPEAR! Berg is yelling at Miss USA. She lifts her up and sets her over her shoulder…JACKHAMMER. Berg sticks her foot on Miss USA’s stomach and tells Rieka to make the count…1…2…3…” Chastity: “The crowd’s buzzing about something…” Fantastic: “IT’S DAWN McGILL! AND SHE’S NOT IN A GOOD MOOD!” Berg quickly slides under the bottom rope with Rieka in tow. McGill spears one of the bodyguards. She throws him back in the ring. Kick to the balls crumples the bodyguard. Fantastic: “OUCH! Ouch, ouch, ouch. She’s taking the bodyguard up to the top rope.” Chastity: “Hold on…” McGill lifts him as if to do a top rope powerbomb. Instead of sitting out, she leans forward after she jumps and drives her shoulder into the bodyguard’s stomach after slamming him to the mat. Fantastic: “BLUNT FORCE TRAUMA!”
WINNER BY DQ AND STILL MVW CHAMPION: Miss USA
December 14th, 2009
Slaughter Line Up
SLAUGHTER TELEVISION TAPING
501 vs Marshall
Force vs. Zero
Charlie Blackwell vs. Jimmy Riley
eGG Bandits vs. Lupin Cy/Bishop Steele
B.R. Ellis Special Guest Referee
There’s a commotion in the ring. Suave: “Johnny Suave back. Um, we’ve got a problem. Let’s go to Paige McGillicutty in the back.”
Paige: “I’m in back with Missouri Valley Wrestling CEO Jason Carmondy. Jason, what’s going on?” Carmondy steps into the scene. Jason: “Paige. when Jill-Berg took out Referee Ron Martin a few minutes ago, it left us without a referee for our final match on the card tonight. As you know, Davey Keels was injured earlier in the night after the Angels of Death/Mercenaries match and has left the arena. And that’s really all I know.” Paige: “Thanks Jason. Johnny, I do know that the PCW Executive Committee is meeting at this very moment to figure out what to do.” More commotion. Paige: “Hold on…” Mahmoud Ahmadinejad swipes the microphone from Paige. Ahmadinejad: “This is outrage! Khalid-El is being denied his fair chance at the PCW title. We will not stand for this.” Even more commotion. Khalid-El drags the PCW Champion ‘Hollywood A-Lister’ Stone Chism down the hall with the rest of the Axis of Evil, Kim Song-Il, Byung Hyung Kang, Fatima, Soon Ye, Hugo Chavez and Fernando Venezuela, in tow. Ahmadinejad directs them to the ring and leaves. Paige stands there. Paige: “Can I have my microphone back?”
Crowd: “BOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Khalid-El tosses Chism into the ring. Kang and Venezuela join in the beatdown.”
RINO and Blue Dog D, SNAFU (American Heartland Coalition), Raving Rednecks Locke and Loade (American Patriots), Shaun Phillips, Ranck and Fyle (Progressive Alliance) meet in the back. They nod and race off.
Khalid-El chokeslams Chism. Suave: “AW COME ON!” Now the seven foot, 350 pound Fernando Venezuela sticks his big boot on Chism’s throat and chokes him. RINO and Blue Dog D, SNAFU, Raving Rednecks Locke and Loade, Shaun Phillips, and Ranck and Fyle hit the ring. Suave: “IT’S TOTALLY BROKEN DOWN NOW! THAT’S ALL FOR PCW NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS. FOR RICK FANTASTIC, CHASTITY GOLD, AND DAME JUDITH CARMONDY, I’M JOHNNY SUAVE. GOOD NIGHT!”
Filed under: Average Joe, Barack Obama, democrats, Independents, joe six pack, Joe the Plumber, Paul Heyman, political satire, political wrestling, Politics, Pro Wrestling, red state, republicans, Small Town America, Third Party, wordpress political blogs Tagged: | ECW, Extreme Championship Wrestling, Hugo Chavez, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Miss USA, Ring of Honor, ROH, Tiger Woods, TNA, World Wrestling Entertainment, WWE