Pat Toomey vs. Joe Sestak, Blackwell’s Wedding: 11/2 PCW Extreme Election Night- Part 4

PCW Champion Yamamoto Tanaka (D) warms up in his dressing room.

Suave- The PCW Champion getting ready for his title defense tonight against Jill-Berg.  Also tonight, PCW Tag Team Champions The Kings of Old School (D) put their belts on the line against the International Hit Squad (I).  Paige McGillicutty has the Kings backstage.  Paige?

Backstage, Paige McGillicutty has Ricky Michaels and Marty Lane aka The Kings of Old School with her.

Paige- Ricky, you have a tough one tonight against the-

Ricky- Hold it, Paige.  We all know why you’re out here.

Paige- You…do?

Marty- You’re out here to apologize in advance for the International Hit Squad and the colossal ass-kicking they’re about to receive.

Ricky- Instead, I think you should apologize for you bad taste in men, music and hair extensions.

Paige- Excuse me?

Marty- No, no.  She is here to say that everyone in the building knows that the International Hit Squad are nothing more than a flash in the pan, brainless, laughable, half witted, uninspired, frog faced losers.

Ricky- Are you a frog face loser, Paige?

Paige just shoots a glare at Ricky.

Marty- ARE YOU? ARE YOU? ARE YOU?  Well, I’ve been hearing all this stuff about how the Republicans are going to win this and that and these International Hit Squad title belt wearing wannabes.  Listen, let’s get a couple things straight.  The Cincinnati Bengals suck.  The Detroit Lions suck.  And the Cleveland Browns aren’t going to the super bowl anytime soon because they are losers.

Ricky- And they suck.  The International Hit Squad is the furthest thing from awesome that PCW has ever seen.  And, they’re ugly.

Marty- Let’s go Ricky.  This interview sucks too.

The Kings of Old School depart.

——————–

Suave- Well?  I guess that pretty much sucked.  All right, there’s been a slight delay in the Charlie Blackwell wedding so we’re going to go ahead with the next match.  Back to you, Kimber Marshall.

Kimber raises the microphone to speak.

Kimber- Our next match is a one fall, thirty minute time limit.  In the blue corner, from the Keystone State- Pennsylvania, representing the Democrats- JOE SESTAK!


Joe Sestak (D-Pennsylvania)

Kimber- And his opponent in the red corner, Republican- PAT TOOMEY!


Pat Toomey (R-Pennsylvania)

Suave- Toomey versus Sestak for Arlen Spector’s old spot.

The bell rings and Toomey and Sestak lock up.  Sestak takes Toomey down with a deep arm drag.

Suave- Arm drag takedown by Joe Sestak.  Toomey’s right back up and both men circle each other.

Toomey gets the single-leg takedown.

Suave- Single leg takedown by Toomey…but Sestak regains control…and he locks in an arm ringer.  Now he drags Toomey to the ropes…and wraps his arm around the rope and wrenches away on it.

Sestak gets a head lock on Toomey.

Suave- Sestak now with a head-…roll-up pin…no.  Toomey kicks out.  Now Sestak with a backslide…no.  Another two count as Toomey just kicks out and now another roll-up…one…two…no!…this time, Toomey gets a shoulder up.

Sestak pulls Toomey and hits a drop kick.

Suave- Sestak with the cover…one…two…AGAIN, TOOMEY KICKS OUT!  Joe Sestak has started very aggressively in this match.

Toomey pokes Sestak in the eyes and regains control.  He pounds away on Sestak in the corner.  Toomey for a face wash in the corner.  Sestak gets back to his feet and connects with a drop kick.

Suave- Good action back and forth.  And now, we’ve got a brawl in the ring.

Toomey and Sestak maul at each other in the middle of the ring.  Sestak connects with a springboard cross-body.

Suave- Sestak hooks the legs…no…another two count.  Sestak hits the ropes, but…watch out…Toomey just dropped him with a spinning back elbow.

Toomey pulls Sestak back to his feet and rips at the face.  He rakes the back and drops Sestak with a knee to the gut.

Suave- Toomey getting rough…he’s got Sestak up…exploder suplex!  Cover…two count.  Toomey sends Sestak for the ride…overhead belly-to-belly suplex…cover…another two count.

Toomey delivers a knee to the face and then snaps him with a neck breaker.  He covers…again, Sestak out at two.  Toomey kicks Sestak in the head, but Sestak fights back with a volley in the corner.  Toomey goes low with a kick and Sestak goes down in the middle of the ring.

Suave- Hello!  Toomey with a top rope swinging DDT…NO!  Sestak slips out and scores with a top rope missile drop kick!…now a hurricanrana…Sestak is on fire…kick to the head…Toomey’s down.  Sestak covers.  Two count.   Now what he doing?  Sestak is climbing to the top rope.

Sestak goes for a splash, but Toomey rolls out of the way.

Suave- No one home!  Toomey pulls Sestak up…chop to the chest and you could hear that slap very clearly.  A second chop by Toomey.  He sets…DIAMOND CUTTER!  DIAMOND CUTTER BY PAT TOOMEY.  HE COVERS…ONE…TWO…I DON’T BELIEVE IT!  SESTAK KICKED OUT!

Toomey can’t believe it either and has words with the referee.

Suave- Toomey’d better start paying attention to the match.

Sestak trips Toomey and rolls him up.

Suave- ROLL UP BY SESTAK…NO!

Toomey gets the shoulder up at two.  Sestak goes up top for a split-leg moonsault.

Suave- Here he goes…NO!  TOOMEY GOT THE KNEES UP!  TOOMEY GRABS SESTAK…SCORPION DEATH DROP!  GOOD NIGHT…ONE…TWO…THREE!

WINNER: Pat Toomey (R) @ 10:47

Suave- THE REPUBLICANS CONTINUE TO PILE UP THE WINS HERE AS PAT TOOMEY HOLDS OFF JOE SESTAK.

———————

Backstage


Mrs. Miyagi

Mrs. Miyagi doesn’t look very happy, but smiles to make the fans cheer.

Mrs. Miyagi- Mrs. Miyagi heard the things that Ricky Michaels and Marty Lane said earlier.   Let’s get this straight.  I don’t think there’s a tag team in PCW that can beat the ‘Foul Pole’ Andy Golatta and Daniel-San when they are at their best.   BUT, if someone did defeat us, even tonight, we wouldn’t be happy, but we could accept it.  Why, because we respect the sport.  We respect PCW.  Tonight, Golatta and Daniel-San will  join an elite group of people who’ve worn the PCW Tag Team Title Belts.  Michaels and Lane…stop us if you can.

———————-

Suave- Well?  I guess it’s that time.  The wedding party has assembled in the ring and now we’re just waiting for the ceremony to begin.  Inside the ring is one Charlie Blackwell…


Charlie Blackwell (I-American Heartland)

…standing next to his best man and tag team partner, ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido


‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido

An organ plays a fanfare.  Blackwell and Escondido turn around and face the aisle.

Suave- Here we go…

‘The Wedding March’ plays as Kenzie Blair…


Kenzie Blair

…is escorted down the aisle by Tequila Sheila…


Tequila Sheila

Kenzie is dressed in a white wedding dress and looks radiant as she walks up onto the stage of Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon. 

Suave- Okay.  They’ve got the bride and the groom.  Where’s the pastor?

A trumpet fanfare interrupts Suave followed by a dense, layered note on a synthesizer.

Announcer- Ladies and gentlemen.  I present to you the almost universally-worshipped king of the gods and all-father of creation.  He commands the chariot that rode across the sky during the day.  He is the great, fiery globe in the sky who is usually a welcome, nurturing presence and to honor the season.  He is the inspiration for those who would throw virgins into the gaping maw of a volcano – perhaps an Icelandic volcano – even though such shenanigans haven’t been acceptable since the ’50s.  And just for your reference, he is, for 28 years in a row, proven to be one of UC San Diego’s most enduring traditions in the Sun God festival- an all-day music festival celebrated by more than 20,000 students, alumni and friends.  But that’s not important.

Suave- RAH?

A bright spotlight illuminates a door in the back.

Announcer- Either way, you should thank your lucky stars and kiss his royal ass for gracing you with his presence here tonight.  I give to you…the God of Sunshine…RAAAAAAAAH!

Nine bikini-clad, and tanned, females aka the Coppertone Tanning Bikini Team emerge from the door followed by two men carrying a golden sedan chair with a man dressed in long flowing robes.  He’s followed by his minions- Bob Nye, Foot Fetish Guy, Lisa the Disgruntled Grocery Clerk, his new official spokesperson Michelle Hardaway, Missy Andrews, and Happy Mango, children’s show host.  The procession makes its way to the ring where it stops at the ring apron.  Rah then climbs out of his golden sedan chair and stands on the apron.  Two of the bikini girls open the ropes and allow Rah to pass through.

Suave- RAH?  THEY GOT RAH?

Rah moves to the middle of the ring and is surrounded by the Coppertone Tanning Bikini Girls, two golden sedan chair carrying guys, Lisa, Michelle, Nye, Missy, and Happy Mango.  At a signal, his followers drops to their knees and bows to Rah.

Suave- FREAKIN’ RAH?

Rah- SILENCE!  Today, we are here with Rah, the Sun-God, me, to join this man and this woman in the bonds of holy matrimony.  Charlie and Kenzie have asked me, Rah, and so on and so on, to officiate tonight’s ceremony.  So let’s get right down to it.  Do you, Charlie Blackwell, take-

Cindy the Coppertone Tanning Bikini Girl suddenly begins to throw up. 

Bambi- the Coppertone Tanning Bikini Girl- Ewwwwwwww. 

Destiny- the Coppertone Tanning Bikini Girl- She’s been doing that for the past two days.

Rah does not look happy.

Cindy does not look very steady.  Two of the Coppertone girls hold her up.

Cindy- I’m sorry, Rah. 

Rah: Rah is not pleased about this interruption.

Lisa goes over and checks on her.

Lisa the Disgruntled Grocery Clerk- She’s sick, Rah.

Cindy throws up again.

Rah- Rah has noticed that you haven’t felt well…Rah would like to know is going on?

One of the ring techs throws a towel up and Lisa wipes off Cindy’s mouth. 

Cindy- Rah?

Rah- Yes, my child.

Cindy(quietly)- I’m pregnant.

Rah bends down as if he didn’t quite hear what she said.

Rah- Rah is sorry.  Rah didn’t quite understand-

Cindy- I SAID, I’M PREGNANT!

The crowd gasps.

It’s takes a few seconds for Rah’s entourage to follow comprehend what she said.  Then they all turn to Rah.

Rah puts his hands up and backs away.

Cindy: It’s okay, Rah.  It’s not yours. 

Happy Mango- Then who’s is it?

Bob Nye- Foot Fetish Guy meekly raises his hand. 

Happy Mango- No way!

Rah- No way.

Suave- She must have some good looking feet.

Happy Mango: Him?

Rah seems shocked.

Bob Nye-Foot Fetish Guy walks up to Cindy who still doesn’t look very good.

Bob Nye- Cindy.  I promise that I’ll be the best father ever.  Just think of the great looking feet our child will have.

Suave- Ain’t that the truth.

Cindy- Bob, you don’t have to worry about a thing.

Bob Nye- And why is that?

Cindy- Because.  It’s not your baby!

Crowd- WHOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Suave- Okay, this is getting good.

Bob Nye becomes very upset.

Bob Nye- It’s not my baby?

Cindy shakes her head no.

Bob Nye- Then whose is it?

Again, everyone turns to Rah.

Rah- It is NOT Rah’s child!  Stop looking at me.

Suave- If it’s not Bob Nye’s or Rah’s kid…thank God…then who?

Man’s Voice: Come to me, my darling! Come and kneel before Zod!

Rah looks as if he’s seen a ghost.


The Mighty General Zod

2008 PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE

Rah- ZOD!

Suave- Oh, you’ve got to be kidding.

To Rah’s great consternation, General Zod, former candidate for President of the United States in 2008, saunters down the aisle.  He climbs through the ropes and goes over to Cindy. 

General Zod- Today begins a new order. Your possessions, your very life, (Zod looks down at her breasts) your huge tracts of land, will gladly be given in tribute to me, General Zod. In return for your obedience, you will enjoy my generous protection.

Rah- Wait!  This simply cannot be true.  You, (points at General Zod) who’s seventy three years old and without your superpowers since Superman II, and her?  (points to Cindy)

General Zod- Yes.  Cindy and I have been exclusive for several weeks now.

Cindy looks sheepishly away.

Cindy- Well?  Not exactly.

The crowd gasps.

Suave- This keeps getting better.

Cindy: I’ve…I’ve been having an affair.

Charlie and Kenzie back up and lean against the ropes.  Both watch this whole thing play out with wonderment.

General Zod- This is mockery and treachery of the highest order. I dare say that I promise swift and ruthless executions of those responsible.

Again, everyone turns to Rah.

Rah- Enough of the looking at Rah.  For the last time, Rah is not the father of her child nor is Rah having an affair with Cindy!

General Zod- General Zod demands to know who!

Lisa the Disgruntled Grocery Clerk steps forward.  Cindy motions her towards her and they passionately kiss each other and make out in the middle of the ring.

Suave- YES!  YES!  HOT LESBIAN ACTION!…oh, sorry.  Well, I can’t believe I’m about to say this but…what will General Zod do?

General Zod slowly and methodically walks over to Lisa and Cindy.  He suddenly grabs both by the hair.

General Zod: General Zod is hardcore!  I’ll take them both!

Rah facepalms himself as Zod pulls Lisa and Cindy to his white haired chest and they both begin to kiss it.

The crowd begins to chant, “ZOD!  ZOD!”

General Zod: Behold my power!  All of you shall kneel before Zod’s mighty intergalactic jackhammer!

Suave- Okay, now I think I’m going to be sick.

General Zod- VOTE FOR ME IN 2012…OR DIE!

Kenzie- HEEEYYYYYYYYY!

Everyone turns to Kenzie.

Kenzie- Are you going to marry us or what?

Rah sheepishly comes forward.

Rah- All right, Kenzie, do you?

Kenzie- Yes.

Rah- Charlie, do you?

Charlie- Hell, yes.

Rah- Then by the power invested in me, blah-blah-blah, man and wife.  Kiss the bride.  This bit’s taken long enough as it is.

Charlie and Kenzie kiss and the crowd cheers.

Suave- So it’s official, Charlie Blackwell and Kenzie Blair are married…

———————

Backstage


Nancy Pelosi (D)

…and Harry Reid…


Harry Reid (D)

…sit in their office.

Pelosi- Well?  This could be it.

Reid- At least you don’t have to wrestle tonight.  Tonight is my last stand.  Hopefully, when all is said and done, the calvary will come for me if I need it.

Pelosi- Harry, it’s a shame that we’re not given the due we deserve for what we’ve done for the country.  I’ve decided if I’m going out, I’m going out big.  If I can help keep the PCW Tag Titles and PCW Title in our camp, then I’ve at least accomplished something tonight.

Reid and Pelosi fist pump.

Reid and Pelosi- Good luck.

—————————-

The International Hit Squad walks to the ring.


The International Hit Squad: Andy Golatta and Daniel-San w/Mrs. Miyagi (I)

Suave- HERE COMES THE INTERNATIONAL HIT SQUAD!

Golatta, Daniel-San, and Mrs. Miyagi climb into the ring.

Kimber- And their opponents, the reigning P-C-W Tag Team Champions, representing the Democrats…RICKY MICHAELS, MARTY LANE…THE KINGS OF OLD SCHOOL!

Suave- AND HERE COMES THE PCW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS, KINGS OF OLD SCHOOL.  THE PCW TAG TEAM TITLE IS ON THE LINE!

Nancy Pelosi also accompanies Michaels and Lane to the ring.

Suave- There’s the bell…Michaels and Daniel-San to start.

Daniel-San drop toe-holds Michaels as he ran across the ring.

Suave- THEY’RE FIGHTING OUTSIDE TOO.

Galatta throws Lane into the barricade and follows with a Yakuza kick.  Michael’s on the floor now.  He hammers Golatta in the back and puts a boot to his throat.

Suave- Double team work on Golatta outside.  Daniel-San down and tosses Lane into the guardrail.  Michaels kicks Daniel-San.  All four men outside the ring.

Daniel-San and Golatta go to shove the Kings head first into the barricade but are blocked.  Running forearms by the Tag Team Champions.  Lane gets shoved into the barricade by Golatta.  Lane dodges a whipped Michaels and gets Daniel-San with chops.  Michaels hits a nice flying crossbody on the Hit Squad.

Suave- Feverish action outside the ring.  The battle goes back and forth.  Michaels back in the ring now…and so is Daniel-San.

Michaels charges Daniel-San in the corner.  Daniel-San side-steps.  Michaels head first into the turnbuckle.  Golatta in the ring now and Michaels is still down in the corner.  Golatta and Daniel-San charge and drive Lane face-first into the corner turnbuckle.  Michaels is up and tries to get the advantage on Daniel-San, but he’s backed into a corner.  Golatta has Lane trapped in another corner.  Golatta winds up with his right hand…

Suave- HEAD’S UP!

Golatta throws a thunderous right hand…that misses…low.

Suave- FOUL POLE!  FOUL POLE!

Lane crumples up in the corner and lays in the fetal position.  Michaels fights out and powerbombs Daniel-San.  Michaels charges Golatta and the Foul Pole winds up again.   Golatta again lands a low shot to the groin and Michaels is bent over.

Suave- HOLY CRAP!  DANIEL-SAN!

Daniel-San takes Michaels’s legs out and launches himself up and over.

Suave- CATTLE MUTILATION!  CATTLE MUTILATION!

Michaels frantically taps out.

Suave- THAT’S IT!  WE’VE GOT NEW PCW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!

Female voice- WAIT A MINUTE!  WAAAAAIT A MINUTE!

Nancy Pelosi climbs into the ring.

Pelosi- I don’t think so.  Like it or not, I’m still the head of the PCW Competition Committee and I declare this match null and void.

Crowd- BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Suave- WHAT?

Pelosi- That’s right!  The Kings of Old School are still the Tag Team Champions and this match never took place!

Crowd- BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Suave- Oh, the crowd is not happy.  This is crap!

The crowd explodes when the owner of PCW, Bubba Jackson…


Bubba Jackson on far left.

…walks out. holding up a piece of paper.

Suave- OH, OH!

Bubba- Just hold on one second, Nancy.  Now, I told you last week that you had one week to convince me that you should stay on as the head of the PCW Competition Committee.

Pelosi- And acting in my capacity as the Leader of the PCW Competition Committee, I am well within my rights to call things as I see fit until you formally remove me from power.  So there’s nothing you can do.

Bubba- Well, actually…there is.

Bubba again holds up the piece of paper.

Bubba- I signed off on your termination papers…dated it…and most importantly, put the TIME on it.  It says here I signed this about fifteen minutes ago- BEFORE you overturned the results of this match.

Crowd- RAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Bubba- So, the new PCW Tag Team Champions are, Andy Golatta and Daniel-San- THE INTERNATIONAL HIT SQUAD!

Crowd- RAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Pelosi fumes and throws a fit.

Bubba- And Nancy, you’re fired!

Crowd- RAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Suave- SHE’S GONE!  PCW OWNER BUBBA JACKSON JUST FIRED NANCY PELOSI!

Crowd- NAH-NAH, NAH, NAH…NAH-NAH, NAH, NAH…HEY, HEY, HEY…GOOD-BYE!

Suave- Back with more after this…

Crowd- NAH-NAH, NAH, NAH…NAH-NAH, NAH, NAH…HEY, HEY, HEY…GOOD-BYE!

2 Responses

  1. *ROARS LAUGHING!*

    Sips some more stout, munches more popcorn…

  2. Wow! Nice article. I like it. :) “Pat Toomey vs. Joe Sestak, Blackwell’s Wedding: 11/2 PCW Extreme Election Night- Part 4

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