PCW continues to use the wayback machine to go back in time and show past Loose Cannons Unleashed shows. Today, it’s May of 2007.
Here’s a quick rundown on the matches here:
-MATCH #1 Extremely Extreme Corporate Wrassling stars: ‘The Heart and Soul of EECW’ TOMMY DREAMBOAT and ‘The Extremely Extreme Hardcore Icon’ HACK SAND-MANN vs.‘DVD’ DON CLAUDE VON DAMMIT, and ‘the dyslexic, apoplectic, apocalyptic wildman of EECW’ ZABU.
-MATCH #2 ‘Loser Quits ‘The View’ ROSIE O’DONNELL (Progressive Alliance) vs. ELISABETH HASSELBECK (American Patriots)
-MATCH #3 EXTREME CAGE MATCH- BIG OIL w/Texas Tex (American Patriots) vs. ‘Everyman’ MIKE THE MECHANIC w/Sheila the Secretary (Independent)
-CINDY SHEEHAN SEGMENT
-MATCH #4 BCEW TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH- CHAMPIONS THE DRUNKEN LUCHADORS- DAN AND DON MARTINI (Independent) vs. THE GREEN WORLD ORDER- GREENPETE AND ‘EXTREME VEGAN’ BROCK COLE LEE w/ the tree huggin,’ mocha chuggin,’ tobacco company buggin,’ insane extreme Singapore cane swinging political alpha male and environmental extreme hardcore icon- Al Gore and Peta from PETA (Progressive Alliance)
-TRIPLE R/OL’ MAN HANSON SEGMENT
-ROUGH JUSTICE SEGMENT
-MATCH #5 BCEW WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH- CHAMPION ‘DEFENSE EXPERT’ HALLIE BURTON w/George W’s aide de camp Dick and ‘The Mastermind’ Karl Rove (American Patriots) vs. ‘EMPRESS QUEEN OF THE MEDIA WORLD’ OPAL WINFREE w/ Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy (Progressive Alliance)
-MATCH #6 BCEW TITLE MATCH- TRIPLE R (ROAD RAGIN’ RANDY) w/ Fmr Alaskan Senator Mike Gravel (Progressive Alliance) vs. STARZ N. STRIPES (American Patriots) vs. LITTLE PAULIE of the American Bikers w/ Big Paulie (Independent)
Johnny Suave narrates the opening montage.
First, highlights of the ‘Trailer Park Skating Honey’ Tanya Hardy- ‘Empress Queen of All Media’ Opal Winfree match. Suave: “After Hardy’s ‘White Trash Posse’ assaulted the Empress Queen, all ten members of the Progressive Alliance vying to be named the next BCEW CEO intervene and deliver Winfree the title shot tonight against BCEW Women’s Champion Hallie Burton.” Hardy’s beat down is shown followed by Winfree’s cover for the win. Suave: “Now, can she deliver the BCEW Women’s title back to the Progressive Alliance?”
Second, highlights from the Green World Order- Raving Rednecks- Locke and Loade match. Suave: “The Raving Rednecks had the match in hand until the appearance of the tree huggin’, mocha chuggin’, tobacco company buggin’, insane extreme Singapore cane swinging political alpha male and environmental extreme hardcore icon- Al Gore.” Gore canes both Locke and Loade allowing Extreme Vegan Brock Cole Lee to cover for the win.
Suave: “Then, the three contestants who will wrestle tonight for the BCEW World Title were chosen, one by one.
The Independent Five-Way Battle Royale is shown between A. Tom Bomb, Al Cahall of Politically Incorrect, Little Paulie from the American Bikers, Tiny of the Beer Bellied Softball Playing Ninja, and ‘everyman’ Mike the Mechanic. Suave: “While A. Tom Bomb and Tiny from the Beer Bellied Softball Playing Ninja battled on the outside…”
REPLAY: Tiny and A-Bomb brawl into the crowd. Mike goes for the cover on Little Paulie again. Suave: “One…two…th- WAIT! IT’S BIG OIL!” Big Oil breaks the pinfall and then delivers the Oklahoma City Driller on Mike. Big Oil rolls Little Paulie over and the referee counts it out. “One,” the referee says. Both Tiny and A-Bomb rush back to the ring. “Two.” They climb into the ring. “Three.” Too late.
Suave: “Next, the Progressive Alliance Battle Royale. Neither Political Pitbull James Carville, DLC, Extreme Trial Attorney R Felcher, Union Jac, or Peacenik of the Green World Order could gain a clear advantage. Then it all hit the fan.”
REPLAY: Suave: “NO ONE CAN GET A CLEAR ADVANTAGE! WHO’S GOING TO-……WAIT A MINUTE! TRIPLE R JUST BUSTED THROUGH AND HE’S IN THE RING!”
The crowd rises as Triple R throws DLC out of the ring. Then Political Pitbull Carville. Suave: “HE’S CLEANING HOUSE!” Next, Felcher goes flying over the top rope leaving Union Jac and Peacenik. Gravel throws in a chair and Triple R clubs Union Jac over the head with it. Then for good measure, Triple R nails Peacenik with it and covers. Referee hesitates. Triple R goes ballistic and drills the referee in the face with the chair. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! THE REFEREE IS OUT! NOW WHAT?” Triple R his Union Jac again and then throws him out of the ring. Then he drags an unconscious Peacenik and dumps him onto the floor. Suave: “NOW WHAT? NO REFEREE. TRIPLE R HAS SINGLEHANDEDLY TAKEN OUT ALL FIVE OF THE COMPETITORS! WHAT DOES THE PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE DO NOW?”
Gravel throws a mic to Triple R who in turn demands to be declared the winner. Pelosi, Reid, and Dean confer. Pelosi then enters the ring. Suave: “WHAT IS SHE GOING TO DO?” Pelosi holds up Triple R’s arm. Suave: “IT’S TRIPLE R-ROAD RAGIN’ RANDY! HOLY CRAP!”
Suave: “Then, it was the American Patriot’s turn. Who would it be? The former Rookie Sensation-Starz N. Stripes? Rev. Robertson of the God Squad- still grieving over the death of his tag team partner- Rev. Falwell? Big Oil- rolling in the dough right now with the gas prices so damn high? The money and Kirk Herbstreit loving Kirk Walstreit? Or Neal Conn- dedicated to the advancement of low taxes, social conservatism, and protecting the natural interest home and abroad. It came down to Big Oil and Starz N. Stripes…”
REPLAY: Big Oil places Starz on the corner turnbuckle as Texas Tex moves the table into position. Suave: “HERE HE GOES…” The crowd cheers as someone races to the ring. Suave: “HERE COMES MIKE THE MECHANIC!” Mike reaches in and trips up Big Oil as he starts to charge towards Starz. Mike beats on Big Oil until the big guy tosses him off. Two seconds later, Big Oil hits a devastating Alaskan Pipeline on Mike the Mechanic and sends him flying out of the ring hard into the steel guardrail. Suave: “HOLY CRAP. HE’S DEAD. HE HAS TO BE.” Texas Tex gets on the mic. “HOW DARE YOU,” he screeches down at the everyman, Mike the Mechanic. “HOW DARE YOU THINK THAT YOU HAVE THE POWER TO TAKE ON BIG OIL! YOU ARE A MERE FLYSPECK ON THE GREAT WINDSHIELD OF THIS COUNTRY! YOU HAVE NOTHING!” Suave: “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS? WHAT THE F-” The Def Leppard “Rock, Rock, Til You Drop” song blares again and out comes Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! IT’S WTF AND HE’S GOT TEXAS TEX ON HIS RADAR!”
Texas Tex tries to back away but WTF picks him up and chokeslams him through a table. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! HE’S DEAD!” Hack’s crowd: “HOLY S@#$! HOLY S@#$!” Big Oil starts to climb out of the ring but Starz shoots out of nowhere and low-blows him. Then Whiskey Tango Foxtrot busts a steel-folding chair over Big Oil’s head. Suave: “ROLL-UP BY STARZ…THAT’S IT! STARZ N. STRIPES WINS AND WILL WRESTLE FOR THE BCEW TITLE NEXT WEEK AT BCEW LOOSE CANNONS UNLEASHED 3!”
Suave: “The BCEW World Title, Tag Team Title, and Women’s title all on the line tonight. Plus, an extreme grudge match between Big Oil and Mike the Mechanic. Will we see more of the Equalizer, Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? And…what the hell is going on Dick, ‘The Mastermind’ Karl Rove working with Rough Justice who appears to be holding former BCEW Interim CEO Gina Ramsey captive? This storyline smells like ‘sports entertainment’ to me.”
Suave comes out with the life-size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain as the crowd at Ol’ Man Hanson’s barn chants “BCEW!…BCEW!” Suave: “We are live in Chelsea, Michigan for BCEW- Loose Cannons Unleashed 3!” Standing ovation follows. Suave introduces the cardboard cut-out to the crowd who whistle and wolf-call appropriately. Suave then explains that this is the first pay per view event held outside Ohio. Suave: “BCEW now has three permanent venues to hold events in. Ol’ Man Hanson’s barn. The BCEW Hall in Eagle Rock, Ohio. And of course, Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon in Westville, Ohio.”
Ol’ Man Hanson comes out to the ring. He lays down the ground rules about parking and other shenanigans that could happen. Ol’ Man Hanson: “If anyone steps out of line, go where you’re not supposed to go, park your car where ya not supposed to park your car, I’ll get my BB gun out and shoot you in the ass!” Suave: “He’ll do it, too!”
Bubba Jackson comes out next to a rousing cheer. The owner of BCEW tells the audience that the first match of the night is special to him. Bubba: “We all know that due to the corporate watering down of certain, formerly extreme wrestling companies run by big conglomerates with no care given to the legacy of said extreme wrestling company, an era that’s near and dear to me is coming to an end.” Bubba then announces a special match to start off the night between four of the biggest stars in the formerly extreme wrestling company run by a big conglomerate. Bubba: “Here’s how it’s done kiddies. Enjoy.”
MATCH #1 Extremely Extreme Corporate Wrassling stars: ‘The Heart and Soul of EECW’ TOMMY DREAMBOAT and ‘The Extremely Extreme Hardcore Icon’ HACK SAND-MANN vs.‘DVD’ DON CLAUDE VON DAMMIT, and ‘the dyslexic, apoplectic, apocalyptic wildman of EECW’ ZABU.
With Alice In Chain’s ‘Man in the Box’ blaring, Dreamboat comes out first to a standing ovation. Sand-Mann was next and did his usual entrance to the tune of Metallica’s ‘Enter Sandman.’ He entered through the crowd, guzzled a beer, and smashed the beer can against his forehead drawing blood. Dreamboat gets on mic. Dreamboat: “We’re going to do this old school!” All four men shake hands and then…Dreamboat attacks DVD and Sand-Mann goes after Zabu. Spinning heel kick by DVD sends Dreamboat out of the ring. DVD climbs on top and hits a guillotine leg drop. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! DVD nearly decapitated Dreamboat. Sand-Mann whacks Zabu with a Singapore cane. Russian leg-sweep. Quick cover- 1 count. Zabu goes for his chair and Sand-Mann goes for his and they slap chairs! Sand-Mann gets whipped to the corner. Air Zabu followed with a triple jump moonsault! Sand-Mann leg sweeps Zabu face first into a chair. Zabu back into the corner. Sand-Mann lays out Zabu with a Heinikanrana. Dreamboat and DVD lock up outside the ring. Dreamboat hits a fisherman suplex on the floor. DVD stares down Dreamboat. Dreamboat drops DVD with a steel-folding chair shot. DVD goes for enziguri, but misses. Dreamboat and DVD exchange blows back and forth, back and forth and back and forth.
Zabu in control against Sand-Mann. A couple flying kicks. Chair shot to the head. Zabu calls for a table. Suddenly, a guy blowing a whistle runs down and gets out a table. Suave: “IT’S BILL ALONZO- THE LONGTIME MANAGER OF ZABU AND DVD!” Table in. Zabu sets Sand-Mann up on it. Top rope moonsault, Sand-Mann moves out of the way and Zabu goes through the table. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Alonzo starts jawing with Sand-Mann causing Dreamboat’s valet, Buella McCilliguttie to run down and go after Alonzo. Someone hands her a cookie sheet. *WHAP* Suave: “She just bent that cookie sheet on Bill Alonzo’s head!” Alonzo starts bleeding. Sand-Mann goes back to pounding away at Zabu. Then he leaves the ring and pulls out a ladder and throws it in. Sets up in the corner, Sand-Mann picks up Zabu and whips him into the ladder. Sand-Mann then tries to splash Zabu on the ladder, but Zabu slips away in time. Sand-Mann splats against the metal ladder and bounces off.
Dreamboat and DVD brawl through the crowd, exchanging blows as they drag each other up the stairs towards a loft. Suave: “What are they doing?” DVD and Dreamboat walk out to the edge of rail and flail away at each other. DVD gets the upper hand and then hits a spinning heel kick sending Dreamboat over the edge and through two tables below. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Sand-Mann runs down to check on him. DVD leaps from the loft, does a flip, and falls on Sand-Mann. Zabu then hits a Pan-Arabian Nights Facesmasher on Sand-Mann and covers out on the floor. 1-2-3.
WINNER: DVD AND ZABU
The crowd rises and gives all four men a standing ovation. Suave: “Wow! That was incredible-” Sports Entertainment Genius aka ‘Seg’ McMann, brandishing his EECW title belt, and his daughter, Steffi, show up. McMann: “Oh bravo…bravo.” Suave: “Who the hell let him in the building?” McMann calls the four EECW oldtimers ‘dinosaurs’ who will soon be extinct from the world of professional wrestling. McMann: “I am the true visionary of wrestling. You and your garbage style of wrestling are destined for the scrap heap of wrestling history and no match for me and my genius.” The crowd boos. Voice: “Wait a minute. Don’t you have your own show on the Comic Book Network.” Suave: “IT’S BCEW OWNER BUBBA JACKSON! He’s coming out!”
Bubba walks up to Seg. Bubba: “First off, Seg. On behalf of everyone here, let me welcome you to BCEW, that’s Buckland County Extreme…WRESTLING!” The crowd chants: “BCEW!…BCEW!” Bubba: “That’s right. Wrestling! Not sports entertainment. Not some sort of soap operaish docudrama. My wrestlers are not ‘stars’ or any other ridiculous adjective. My announcer does not ignore the art of explaining to the audience what the moves and holds are in favor of ‘telling stories.’ My product isn’t watered down, focused group approved, corporate pap designed to push brand names and sell merchandise.”
Seg turned bright red. Seg: “YOU CAN’T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT! WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?” Steffi: “YEAH! WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? DO YOU KNOW WHO HE IS?” Bubba calmly replied: “Yes. You are the CEO of a multi-level, international conglomerate. I own a wrestling company.” The crowd immediately stands up again and chants: “BCEW!…BCEW” most pointedly towards the McMann’s. Bubba turns and starts to head to the back. Seg, incensed, runs up and pushes Bubba from behind. Suave: “What the f-” Def Leppard’s “Rock Rock, Til You Drop” blares over the loudspeaker. The crowd rises up as Whiskey Tango Foxtrot comes out. Suave: “YES! IT’S WTF!” McMann tries to back up but WTF corners him. McMann: “Look, I can pay you a lot more than Bubba Jackson can…quirdk…” WTF picks up McMann and Bubba sets up a table. With great fanfare, WTF then choke slams McMann through a table. Crowd: “BCEW!…BCEW!” Suave: “YES! MY NIGHT IS MADE ALREADY!” Steffi throws a fit so WTF picks her up and Bubba gets another table. The crowd counts down from five and WTF chokeslams her through the table. Crowd: “BCEW!…BCEW!” Suave: “Thank you Bubba. Thank you Whiskey Tango Foxtrot! We’re off to a great start at BCEW Loose Cannons Unleashed!”
MATCH #2 ‘Loser Quits ‘The View’ ROSIE O’DONNELL (Progressive Alliance) vs. ELISABETH HASSELBECK (American Patriots)
Suave: “That’s right. The loser of this match must quit the popular television show- ‘The View.’ The match arises out of a heated argument O’Donnell and Hasselbeck had on ‘The View’ last week. The bell rings. O’Donnell and Hasselbeck immediately start jawing at each other in the middle of the ring. They circle and keep talking to each other. Suave: “Well? No one seems to be willing to take the first shot here.” The crowd gets restless as both continue their in-ring conversation. They circle again…and again…and again. No action at this point. Crowd starts getting on both women. Suave: “I think they’re still having the same argument they had last…HOLY CRAP! IT’S THE NO-SPIN FACTOR BILL O’REILLY!”
O’Reilly jumps in the ring and blasts O’Donnell from behind. He kicks away at O’Donnell. Then lifts her and delivers a suplex. O’Reilly implores Hasselbeck to cover- she has a deer in the headlights look and freezes. MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann then runs in and smacks O’Reilly from behind. Olbermann proceeds to kick away at O’Reilly. Suave: “WAIT A MINUTE! HERE COMES DONALD TRUMP!” The billionaire who has had an ongoing feud with Rosie hits the ring and immediately goes after O’Donnell. Suave: “THIS IS TOTALLY BREAKING DOWN!” Inexplicatively, Trump swings over and clotheslines Hasselbeck as well. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! BOTH WOMEN ARE DOWN. OLBERMANN AND O’REILLY ARE GOING AT EACH OTHER. TRUMP JUST LEFT THE RING. AND HERE COMES THE LEFT AND RIGHT WING BLOGGERS!”
All hell breaks loose as several bloggers join the fray. O’Donnell pulls herself up. Looks at Olbermann vs. O’Reilly, looks at the bloggers going at it, shakes her head, and climbs out of the ring. Suave: “She’s leaving?” The referee begins to count her out as Rosie heads back to the locker room. He reaches twenty and calls for the bell.
WINNER: ELISABETH HASSELBECK via countout.
Suave: “Rosie O’Donnell walks away and DQ’s herself which means…she’s quitting ‘The View!’ Olbermann, O’Reilly, and the left and right wing bloggers continue to brawl as they slowly head to the back.
Rough Justice, D.B. Ruff and Conner Justice, two former police officers fired for their rough, often over the top, and extreme style of justice, strut through the locker room and immediately get confronted by BCEW Investigative Reporter Woodward Bernstein. Ruff barks at Bernstein: “What do you want?” Bernstein: “Isn’t it true that you’re holding the former Interim BCEW CEO Gina Ramsey captive and rendered her in the basement of ‘The Mastermind’ Karl Rove’s house?” Justice cocks his fist and then Bryan Wilson, Faux News- Fair and Imbalanced, runs in and accuses Bernstein of asking an ‘unamerican’ question by inquiring about the whereabouts of Gina. Bernstein is incredulous. Ruff claims that in times of strife and the ongoing ‘war’ with Extremely Extreme Corporate Wrasslin,’ certain extreme measures have to be taken. Bernstein: “But she’s on BCEW’s side! How can you remotely equate her with Seg McMann?” Wilson accuses Bernstein of an anti-conservative bias. Bernstein retorts that all he wants is the ‘damn question answered.’
Justice pushes Bernstein away. Justice: “We don’t have time for this bull@#$# and we don’t have to answer your questions!” Ruff and Justice exit.
Suave: “Okay. That was kind of not called for.”
Texas Tex is in the ring as a giant cage is lowered down from the ceiling of Ol’ Man Hanson’s barn. Suave: “I didn’t know about this stipulation that the Big Oil/Mike the Mechanic match was to be a steel cage match?” Texas Tex waves a fistful of cash and tells the crowd that when you’ve got the cash ‘you can make anything happen.’ Texas Tex: “Because of the blatant interference of Whiskey Tango Foxtrot and Mike the Mechanic’s secretary, I spoke to BCEW CEO George W and offered him…‘incentives’ to change tonight’s match to a cage match. That’s what happens when you’ve got power and you’re not afraid to use it! Like the poor slobs who can’t afford to pay our exorbitant gas prices but have no other choice because they have to drive to work, THERE’S NOT A DAMN THING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!”
Suave: “What a jerk! And he takes away one of Mike’s most potent weapons- the battery charger. Can he overcome the odds?”
MATCH #3 EXTREME CAGE MATCH- BIG OIL w/Texas Tex (American Patriots) vs. ‘Everyman’ MIKE THE MECHANIC w/Sheila the Secretary (Independent)
Big Oil smirks as he climbs inside the cage. Mike the Mechanic gets some last words of encouragement from Sheila and then he, too, enters the ring. The referee shuts the door and locks it. Suave: “The winner is the first one who climbs out of the cage.” Texas Tex taunts Sheila. Bell rings and we’re off. Big Oil charges right after Mike. Scoop slam. Scoop slam again. Mike tries to get away but Big Oil won’t let him. A third scoop slam sets up a whip off the ropes and a wicked clothesline. Suave: “This doesn’t look too good. Big Oil has too much power over the ‘everyman.’ Big Oil drags Mike up by the hair and flings him headfirst over the top rope into the side of the steel cage. Then he takes Mike by the hair again and throws him across the ring, over the top rope, into the other side of the steel cage. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! BIG OIL IS DESTROYING MIKE THE MECHANIC!”
Laughing, Big Oil starts climbing up the side of the cage. Suave: “This could be it. BUT WAIT! MIKE SOMEHOW HAS PULLED HIMSELF UP!” Mike staggers over and yanks hard on the boot of Big Oil. The big guy loses his grips and falls straight down, crotching himself on the top rope. Sheila yells at Mike and slips him a wrench from his tool box. Mike takes the wrench and rakes it across Big Oil’s eyes. Then he boinks Big Oil in the forehead and opens him up with the wrench. Kicks by Mike. Wrench to the stomach. Then he tries to escape the cage. Mike climbs the fence. Big Oil gets up and grabs him on the cage by the throat. Suave: “This can’t be good.” Big Oil then choke slams Mike down and he literally bounces across the ring. Outside, Texas Tex comes over and snatches the tool box away from Sheila. Texas Tex: “There’s nothing you can do. We have the power; you don’t.” Big Oil drags Mike up again and slams him head first into the side of the cage. Then he repeats it over and over. Suave: “THAT’S ENOUGH! HE CAN’T DEFEND HIMSELF!” Mike lies on the canvas in a crumpled heap. Big Oil once again starts to climb up the side of the cage. Suave: “This is it. Big Oil is just too much for the ordinary, everyman Mike the Mechanic.”
Sheila helplessly watches Big Oil continue up the cage. Texas Tex again taunts her. She looks at the battery charger. She looks at the steel cage. She looks at the battery charger. She looks at the steel cage. Sheila smiles. Suave: “What is she doing? Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no.” Sheila takes the jumper cables and attaches them to the steel cage. Big Oil literally is propelled off the cage into the middle of the ring. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Crowd: “HOLY S@#$! HOLY S@#$!” Suave: “Big Oil just got the shock of his life…literally. But Mike the Mechanic is in no position to take advantage of it.” Mike doesn’t budge. Texas Tex starts wrestling Sheila for control of the battery charger. Mike stirs, sees Big Oil unconscious in the middle of the ring, and starts for the side of the cage. Suave: “NO! WAIT! DON’T TOUCH IT! DON’T…” *ZZZZAPPPPPPP* Mike gets propelled back into the middle of the ring and runs into the referee. The referee loses his balance and falls backwards hitting the side of the cage and now he’s totally out. Suave pleads to Sheila to take the jumpers off the cage. Sheila tries to push Texas Tex away. She finally whips around and slams Tex into the electrified cage- he’s out. Suave: “Well, isn’t that wonderful? Everyone associated with the match with the exception of Sheila…” Out of nowhere, BCEW women’s champion and all around defense expert, Hallie Burton, runs out and pushes Sheila back into the cage. *ZZZZAPPPPPPP* Suave: “Check that. Everyone associated with the match is out. I guess it’s a no contest? But wait!”
Hallie carefully pulls off the jumper cables and then unlocks the cage door. Dick and ‘The Mastermind’ Karl Rove herd another referee down from the back. Hallie and Rove somehow turn Big Oil over to cover Mike. Dick instructs the referee to count it out. Suave: “WAIT A SEC? I THOUGHT THE ONLY WAY TO WIN THIS MATCH WAS TO CLIMB OUT OF THE CAGE!” Dick gets on the mic and tells everyone that they’re changing the stipulation. He orders the referee to count again. He does. Match over.
WINNER: BIG OIL
Suave: “THAT JUST STINKS! TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY!” A ‘bulls@#$ chant fills the barn. Debris starts flying in at Dick and ‘The Mastermind.’ Rove points to his temple to remind the crowd that he’s a friggin’ genius. Dick simply flips everyone off.
Rudy Giuliani of the American Patriots strolls through the hallway with his entourage. Suave: “There he is. The self-proclaimed conservative hardcore candidate for BCEW CEO, Rudy Giuliani. HE’S HARDCORE CONSERVATIVE! Just listen to his entourage.” Rudy’s entourage chant incessantly behind him ‘He’s hardcore conservative…he’s hardcore conservative.’
Outside the Progressive Alliance locker room, Hillary Clinton tries to wade her way through a wave of Star Trek groupies who watched her promo last week and think she’s the second coming of the Borg character. The Clinton Cabal aka Political Pitbulls James Carville and Terry McAuliffe push their way through to allow Hillary to reach the locker room.
Cat Steven’s “Peace Train” starts to play. Suave: “Oh, great. I can hardly wait to see who this is.”
CINDY SHEEHAN SEGMENT
Anti-War Activist Cindy Sheehan comes out with Peacenik of the Green World Order while the ring tech raise the cage back up and clean up the ring. Sheehan begins her basic rant against George W and BCEW going to ‘war’ against Seg McMann and EECW. She then rips on the Progressive Alliance for not vigorously opposing George W’s plans. The crowd boos but starts to cheer when Fred Thompson arrives at Ol’ Man Hanson’s barn. Crowd: “FRED! FRED! FRED!”
Sheehan becomes incensed and dramatically resigns her ‘position’ as the ‘face of the anti-war’ movement. A pissed off Sheehan says: “Good-bye America … you are not the country that I love and I finally realized no matter how much I sacrifice, I can’t make you be that country unless you want it.” The BCEW fans don’t take kindly to this and start booing Sheehan causing Peacenik to take offense. Peacenik: “SHUT UP YOU IGNORANT, WARMONGERING, STUPID HICKS. CINDY SHEEHAN GAVE UP HER MARRIAGE AND HER PRIVATE LIFE TO RIGHT THIS WRONG AND YOU IDIOTIC DOLTS ARE TOO IGNORANT TO LISTEN TO HER!”
Immediately, Def Leppard’s ‘Rock, Rock Til You Drop’ starts to play and Whiskey Tango Foxtrot comes out. Suave: “YES!” Crowd: “WHAT THE F#$#! WHAT THE F@#$!” Peacenik tries to beg off. WTF picks him up and choke slams him through a table. WTF turns to Sheehan, picks her up, and power bombs her through another table. Crowd: “BCEW!…BCEW!”
MATCH #4 BCEW TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH- CHAMPIONS THE DRUNKEN LUCHADORS- DAN AND DON MARTINI (Independent) vs. THE GREEN WORLD ORDER- GREENPETE AND ‘EXTREME VEGAN’ BROCK COLE LEE w/ the tree huggin,’ mocha chuggin,’ tobacco company buggin,’ insane extreme Singapore cane swinging political alpha male and environmental extreme hardcore icon- Al Gore and Peta from PETA (Progressive Alliance)
Gore comes out to the Fleetwood Mac classic “Don’t Stop” and does his usual entrance. He comes in through the crowd, opens up a mocha- in an environmentally friendly container, guzzles it down, and then crushes the cup on his forehead. Then he spews the mocha out of his mouth like ‘Old Faithful.’ This gives the ring techs enough time to set the ring back up for the tag team match and to scrape both Peacenik and Cindy Sheehan off the floor.
The Drunken Luchadors come out with their distinctive pre-match warm up, consisting of shotgunning down a bottle of Jack Daniels and breaking the bottle over their head. Suave: “Yes, their pre-game ritual may seem a little odd. But the Drunken Luchadors have been the BCEW tag team champions for over two years!”
The crowd starts singing drinking ditties and the bell rings. Peta shouts at the crowd to get them to shut up- she fails. The crowd chants “We want steak!” which only inflames Peta even more. Brock Cole Lee gets into the act and gives the crowd ‘the bird’ which only eggs the BCEW fans to reply in kind. Greenpete starts off against Dan Martini while Lee debates the crowd on the merits of eating meat. Greenpete tries to lock up with Dan but it’s nearly impossible given the shape Martini’s in. Dan can barely stand up. Greenpete gets an armbar but Dan tumbles to the canvas and accidently launches the GWO member into the corner turnbuckle. They attempt a series of mat wrestling manuvers and reversals that totally break down because Dan can’t stand up. Finally, Brock Cole Lee goes ballistic and stomps a mudhole in Dan. Don Martini staggers in and attempts to lock in an armbar. Lee lifts him up and walks around with Don on his shoulders before slamming him down. Lee goes for a cover but he’s not the legal man in the ring. Greenpete tags in Lee as Dan Martini tags in Don.
The Extreme Vegan fires off some lightning kicks and then locks in an armbar. Don flops to the canvas and accidently crotches Lee when his feet fly up after hitting the canvas. Lee reaches for the ropes to hold himself up. Don tries a single leg crab, but can’t co-ordinate his hands and legs allowing Greenpete to charge in and break what hold there was. Greenpete flips Dan into the ring and he and Brock Cole Lee set up a double tree of woe. Peta tosses in a couple of chairs and the GWO place them in front of both Martinis. They attempt to finish off the Drunken Luchadors with a killer baseball slide drop kick! But both Martini brothers fall off the turnbuckle, flipping the chair up in the air into the face of both GWO members. Suave: “WHAT A MOVE!” The GWO try to regroup. Don attempts an insane Asai Moonsault to the outside of the ring onto the GWO! Except he misses. Badly. The GWO just watch as Don lands hard on the floor a few feet away. Dan gets back in the ring but gets hung up in the ropes and falls out. Lee tries to lift Dan Martini back in the ring but the Drunken Luchador is dead weight. Instead, Lee sets up Dan in a camel clutch and tells Greenpete to finish him off with a drop kick to the face. Greenpete lines him up and charges. Dan somehow slips through Lee’s hands and Greenpete drop kicks him in the groin. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!”
Al Gore gets involved and canes the crap out of Dan Martini. Gore and Peta tries to double team Dan. Peta tries to hold him up. But again, Dan’s dead weight is too much and he flops down just as Gore’s cane came down on Peta. Peta drops. The crowd cheers Gore. Greenpete re-enters the ring and Lee attempts to get Don Martini back in the ring. Don somehow manages to gets into the ring and Lee and Greenpete drop him with a twin drop kick to Martini’s stomach. Don starts to wretch. Suave: “OH, OH! THIS CAN’T BE GOOD!” Don stumbles around as both Lee and Greenpete try to stay out of the line of fire. Suddenly, a stream of green vomit gushes from Don Martini’s mouth. Lee and Greenpete duck out of harms way but the vomit soaks Peta from PETA. Suave: “EWWWWWW!” Peta screams. Lee and Greenpete capitalize and ambush the Drunken Luchador…well…not really. Don passes out and both Lee and Greenpete cover. One. Two. Three.
WINNERS AND NEW BCEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: THE GREEN WORLD ORDER- GREENPETE AND ‘EXTREME VEGAN’ BROCK COLE LEE (Progressive Alliance)
Suave: “WE HAVE NEW CHAMPIONS!” Peta is a mess but Al Gore and the rest of the Green World Order celebrate in the ring.
Dick and ‘The Mastermind’ Karl Rove confer with the women’s champion, Hallie Burton. Dick promises her that unlike the Drunken Luchadors, who had no one to come to their aid, the American Patriots will have her back. Dick: “If you get into a jam. I promise you that the American Patriots will be there for you.”
John McCain appears. McCain: “I swear, the BCEW fans are spending money like drunken sailors, talking like drunken sailors, and in general, acting like…drunken sailors. What the hell is up with that?” Suave: “The Straight Shooter” in the house!” The theme music of the Massachusetts Redblood, Mitt Romney begins. Suave: “Mitt Suave? The old Gerardo hit ‘Rico Suave’ with Mitt? At least they’re pronouncing suave correctly…unlike my last name.”
In the Progressive Alliance locker room, John Edwards and ‘The Natural’ Barack Obama arrive. Obama arrives with much fanfare.
Suave also notes that all twenty-one of the BCEW CEO candidates are here tonight.
BCEW CEO George W gives the American Patriots a pep talk before the next two matches. On the other side, Nancy Pelosi, ‘The American Screamer’ Howard Dean rev up their troops.
TRIPLE R/OL’ MAN HANSON SEGMENT
Triple R runs into Ol’ Man Hanson in the hall. Ol’ Man Hanson: “Is that your car parked in my yard?” Triple R: “Yeah! And what about it?” Hanson: “I’d sure appreciate it if you moved it.” Triple R nods half-heartedly and moves on. Suave: “Ah. Not sure that’s a good idea, there, Triple R.”
ROUGH JUSTICE SEGMENT
Suave: “Maybe we’ll get some more insight on what Rough Justice’s intentions are with former interim BCEW CEO Gina Ramsey. Let’s see what they’ve got to say.” The camera zooms in on two figures sprawled out on the floor. It’s Ruff and Justice and they’re unconscious. Suave: “I don’t believe it! Someone took them out! Who could have done this and what does this mean for Gina Ramsey?”
With Opal Winfree and her flock, Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy, in the ring already, Dick and ‘The Mastermind’ accompany the BCEW Women’s champion, Hallie Burton, down the aisle.
MATCH #5 BCEW WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH- CHAMPION ‘DEFENSE EXPERT’ HALLIE BURTON w/George W’s aide de camp Dick and ‘The Mastermind’ Karl Rove (American Patriots) vs. ‘EMPRESS QUEEN OF THE MEDIA WORLD’ OPAL WINFREE w/ Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy (Progressive Alliance)
Opal attacks off the bell, but Burton fends her off and comes back with forearms. Opal blocks a charge and knocks the Defense Expert woozy. Opal throws her to the floor and then tosses Hallie into the barrier. Immediately, Soccer Mom yells out “IT’S FOR THE CHILDREN!” and gets a couple shots in on the Women’s champion. New Age Sensitive Guy apologizes and then clotheslines Hallie over the barrier into the crowd. Incensed, Dick goes over to the announcer’s table and starts gesturing wildly. Suave: “What is he doing?” Dick points up at the cage and motions it down.
Meanwhile, Hallie back in but Opal controls with a headlock. Hallie escapes and whips herself onto the ropes but Opal spears her when she slingshots back. The Empress Queen gets two off a small package but everyone’s attention becomes diverted when the cage suddenly starts back down. Dick gestures to the referee while Hallie rebounds off the ropes and hits a lariat. Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy attempt to slide in under the cage but the referee orders them back to the locker room. Suave: “WHAT?” Dick and Rove stay inside the cage. Suave: “THAT’S NOT FAIR! WHY DO DICK AND THE MASTERMIND GET TO STAY BUT OPAL’S FLOCK GETS SENT TO THE BACK?” Hallie hits a Tornado DDT on a preoccupied Opal and tries to cover. One count. Hallie follows up with aa tilt-o-whirl slam into a crossface. Opal gets her foot on the ropes but Dick goes over and knocks it off.
“YEEEEEE-AHHHHHHH!” sounds over the speakers and the leader of the Progressive Alliance Howard (The American Screamer) Dean immediately comes to the ring and starts arguing with the referee. With the referee arguing with Dean, Rove sneaks into the ring and drills Opal with a steel-folding chair. This brings ‘Madame Queen’ Nancy Pelosi and ‘Pith Lord’ Harry Reid sprinting to the ring. Dick throws a table in the ring and Rove sets it up- all the while, the referee is now hotly debating Dean, Pelosi, and Reid on the outside. Rove and Hallie lift Opal up and power slam her through the table. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Dick then gets the referee to turn around and see Hallie covering Opal. One. Two. Three.
WINNER AND STILL BCEW WOMEN’S CHAMPION: HALLIE BURTON (American Patriots)
It totally hits the fan. Dean, Pelosi, and Reid go crazy on the outside and berate the referee and Dick. Pointing at his temple to remind us all that he’s a genius, Rove then throws in two more tables and sets them up. Suave: “OH, THIS IS RIDICULOUS! THE REFEREE NEEDS TO STOP THIS-” Rove and Hallie lift Opal and then Def Leppard’s ‘Rock, Rock Til You Drop’ suddenly starts up. They drop the Empress Queen and look around. Suave: “WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT? WHERE? HOW WILL HE GET INTO THE RING?” Suddenly, WTF rappels down from the rafters above the ring into the cage. Suave: “Oh. That’s how.” Hallie tries to get out of the cage. WTF takes Rove by the throat and lifts him up. He maneuvers in front of one of the tables and choke-slams him through it. Crowd: “WHAT THE F@#$! WHAT THE F@#$!” Suave: “Rove doesn’t look like much of a friggin’ genius right now.” Dick finds himself trapped in the cage with the mammoth Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. Dick: “YOU CAN’T F#@#-ING TOUCH ME! DO YOU KNOW WHO I *kefffll*” Suave: “Apparently, he does…and he doesn’t care.” WTF picks Dick up by the throat and to the great delight of the BCEW fans, choke-slams him through the other table. Crowd: “BCEW!…BCEW!” Suave: “HOLY CRAP! WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT JUST OBLITERATED DICK!”
Hallie jumps on WTF’s back and starts pounding away. Bad move. He flips her over his head and she lands hard on the canvas. Then a heavily bandaged D.B. Ruff and Conner Justice run down and start climbing the cage. Suave: “IT’S ROUGH JUSTICE! THEY’RE BACK AND…HOLY CRAP! IT’S GINA RAMSEY! SHE’S GOT MIKE THE MECHANIC’S BATTERY CHARGER!” Ramsey, also bandaged up from the rough treatment from Rough Justice, comes down to the ring and sets up the charger. Suave: “SHE’S GOT THE JUMPERS…” Rough Justice see her and frantically try to get to the top of the cage. *ZZZZZAAAPPPPPP* They don’t make it. Suave: “HOLY, HOLY CRAP! GINA RAMSEY GETS HER OWN BRAND OF ROUGH JUSTICE, ON ROUGH JUSTICE! THAT’S A TWENTY FOOT FALL!” Gina stands over both men and flips them off. Crowd: “THANK YOU GINA! (clap, clap clap-clap-clap)”
The cage begins to rise back up to the rafters again. The three participants in the BCEW title match come to the ring amidst the chaos from the previous match. Suave: “It might take a few minutes to clean this up…BUT TRIPLE R DOESN’T WANT TO WAIT!” Triple R Pearl Harbors Starz N. Stripes from behind and slams him into the ring post. Little Paulie from the American Bikers then cracks Triple R across the back with a lead motorcycle tailpipe. Big Paulie and Marky also get into the act and help Little Paulie triple team Triple R. Neal Conn- dedicated to the advancement of low taxes, social conservatism, and protecting the natural interest home and abroad, and the money loving and ESPN’S Kirk Herbstreit-obsessed, Kirk Walstreit, run in and pull Dick and ‘The Mastermind’ out of the ring. Suave: “THIS IS JUST NUTS! TOTAL CHAOS!”
The American Bikers throw Triple R into the ring and continue to beat on him. This brings out former Alaskan Senator Mike Gravel who tries to come to Triple R’s rescue……bad idea. Big Paulie clotheslines Gravel and body slam him to canvas. Meanwhile, ‘American Screamer’ Howard Dean, ‘Madame Queen’ Nancy Pelosi and ‘Pith Lord’ Harry Reid attack Starz N. Stripes which brings out BCEW CEO George W who tries to restore some order. Next, the other nine Progressive Alliance contenders for BCEW CEO run out followed by the American Patriot contenders. The ring is swamped with over twenty-five people brawling. Outside, both members of Rough Justice come to and begin chasing Gina Ramsey around the ring. After one lap around the ring, Gina grabs the ring pole and whips around with her feet spread apart, catching both Ruff and Justice in the groin. Suave: “Rough Justice- out of commission. THE BCEW WOMEN’S CHAMPION HALLIE BURTON GRABS GINA FROM BEHIND…SIDEWALK SLAM ON THE FLOOR! AND WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT LIFTS HALLIE BURTON UP…NO…NOOOO…” Suave barely gets out of the way before WTF power slams Hallie Burton through his announcer’s table. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!”
Finally, BCEW owner Bubba Jackson comes out with a microphone. He shakes his head and shouts: “IF YOU’RE NOT ONE OF THE THREE PEOPLE WRESTLING FOR THE BCEW TITLE, GET THE HELL OUT OF THE RING AND RING THE F@#$ING BELL!”
MATCH #6 BCEW TITLE MATCH- TRIPLE R (ROAD RAGIN’ RANDY) w/ Fmr Alaskan Senator Mike Gravel (Progressive Alliance) vs. STARZ N. STRIPES (American Patriots) vs. LITTLE PAULIE of the American Bikers w/ Big Paulie (Independent)
The bell rings. Dean and Reid throw Starz N. Stripes into the ring. The ring quickly empties out leaving a battered Triple R and Starz N. Stripes and a relatively fresh Little Paulie. Triple R holds his own with Little Paulie in a mat-wrestling battle. Little Paulie comes back with a Harley Davidson Surfboard follows up with a slingshot suplex. Little Paulie goes for the quick cover but Senator Gravel jumps in and breaks the count. In a lull in the action, Suave quickly explains the stipulations of the match. It’s a three way dance. If you’re pin, you’re eliminated. Last man standing becomes the new BCEW champion.
Little Paulie keeps the pressure on with his knees in Triple R’s back. Triple R reverses and tosses him to the floor. Hillary Clinton and John Edwards are close by and make token movement towards the American Biker. Both back off when Big Paulie and Marky come flying around the corner. Back in, Starz hits an atomic drop and a double knee lift on Triple R. Little Paulie climbs back in and nails Starz with a spinning neck breaker. Triple R sneaks in and connects with a shoulder jawbreaker on Little Paulie. A succession of reversals and mat moves follow with each man gaining and then losing the advantage. The crowd applauds while in the Progressive Alliance corner, Dean, Pelosi, and Reid confer. Suave: “After the fireworks that started the match, no one’s been able to gain any sort of advantage so far.”
All three men circle around the ring. Starz shoots for a single leg take down but Triple R parries and then walks into a clothesline from Little Paulie. Starz puts the American Biker in a headlock. Little Paulie throws Starz into the ropes and then flings himself backwards into the ropes. Little Paulie goes for a roaring elbow but Dean slides a chair to Triple R and he swings and clocks Little Paulie in mid-flight. Triple R covers before Big Paulie and Marky can intervene. One. Two. Three. LITTLE PAULIE ELIMINATED
Immediately, Starz hits a running knee in the corner, but Triple R hones in on the shoulder. Armbar following by a wrenching armdrag take down followed with another armbar. Triple R kick to the stomach and then he goes up top and hits an axehandle smash on Starz’s shoulder. Starz retaliates with a snap mare suplex and then hits a tope con hilo. Triple R tries a forearm shot but only connects with the ring post. Starz hits a wicked hammerlock suplex into the abdominal stretch, but Hillary Clinton jumps in and breaks the hold. Starz nails a flying forearm and a swandive headbutt and covers again. This time, ‘The Natural’ Barack Obama makes the save. Both men trade blows, knocking each other loopy, but neither man can grab the advantage. Starz spears Triple R to the floor and goes for a chair. John Edwards grabs the chair and wrestles Starz for control of it.
American Patriot Rudy Giuliani flies in and clotheslines Edwards into the crowd. Then to prove just how hardcore conservative he really is, Giuliani goes old-school by springboarding off the ropes and turning himself into a missile to wipe Edwards out. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Back in the ring, Triple R shifts his weight to counter a backdrop, but Starz rolls through. Another two count broken up by both Clinton and Obama who race in before Bill Richardson and Christopher Dodd can react. Starz tries again, and it hits. Suave: “ONE, TWO, THR-NO!” Again, Clinton and Obama both race each other to break up the count leaving Richardson and Dodd in their wake. Dodd steams over to Johnny Suave and complains that Edwards, Clinton, and Obama are hogging all the run-in time. Dodd: “Despite very real differences in the BCEW CEO candidates on the critical match we face tonight, the format of tonight’s BCEW title match allows for disproportionate amounts of time for candidates to get adequate run-in time.” Dennis Kucinich then jumps in the ring wearing a Green World Order t-shirt and implore Triple R and Starz to stop. Kucinich: “We must stop the extreme cycle of violence and we must stop it-” And then he gets knocked out by a steel-folding chair Mike Gravel throws in the ring for Triple R. Gravel: “Sorry!”
Triple R fires off the elbows, causing Starz to retreat. Then he hits a bulldog and locks in a crossface chickenwing! Suave: “IT’S A SUBMISSION HOLD! TRIPLE R TRIES TO MAKE STARZ N. STRIPES TAP OUT!” Starz fades, and his arm drops two times. The third time he grabs the referee’s pant leg. Mitt Romney and John McCain jump into the ring and break the hold. Romney and McCain then inadvertently bump each other which results in deliberate bumping between the two. More bumps ensue and then McCain and Romney go at it in the ring. They reach the ropes and Triple R comes through and flips both McCain and Romney out of the ring. Starz then applies the STF and then the Regal Stretch. Again, Edwards, Clinton, Obama, Richardson, and Joe Biden hop into the ring and race to break the hold. Triple R rakes the eyes and flips out. Starz rolls over and hits more elbows before going back to the hold. The Progressive Alliance stampede ensues with everyone climbing over each other to break the hold again. Triple R with a forearm. And another. Starz ducks a third and hits a sit down powerbomb! Suave: “ANOTHER COVER! ONE, TWO, THRE-NO!” Triple R kicks out before the Progressive Alliance candidates can react. The crowd is on fire at this point, chanting “BCEW!…BCEW!”
Pissed off, Triple R leaves the ring and gets the ring bell. The referee tries to take it away from him. Starz sneaks up from behind. Suave: “SMALL PACKAGE ON THE FLOOR! ONE, TWO, THRE-NO!” Yet again, the triad of Edwards, Clinton, and Obama intercede. The American Patriots hit their breaking point and en masse attack the Progressive Alliance candidates. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! IT’S A FREAKIN’ RUMBLE!” Somewhere away from the crowd, Starz’s lariat attempt is blocked when Triple R rips the bell away from the referee and slams it in Starz’s face. Suave: “GAME OVER! ONE, TWO, THREE! THAT’S IT! TRIPLE R HAS REGAINED THE BCEW TITLE.!”
WINNER AND NEW BCEW CHAMPION: TRIPLE R (ROAD RAGIN’ RANDY)
The referee tries to hold up Triple R’s arm but the new champ rips his arm away. Triple R clobbers the ref with the bell. Triple R: “WHERE IS MY BELT? I WANT MY F@#$ING BELT, NOW!” Triple R is interrupted by: “Not just intolerable. Not just unbearable. I am Justin Sufferable!” Suave: “NO! COULD IT BE?” Former champion Justin Sufferable appears in the loft holding the BCEW belt. Suave: “HE’S BACK! JUSTIN SUFFERABLE IS BACK FROM HIS KNEE INJURY!”
Triple R demands the belt. Justin flips him off and Triple R goes berserk. He slides out of the ring and overturns the remaining standing tables. He pushes the ring techs out of the way and runs into Ol’ Man Hanson. Hanson: “I told ya to move your car-” Triple R: “Go to hell and go f@#$ yourself! I’ll park my car wherever the hell I-” *KA-BLAM* Suave: HOLY CRAP! OL’ MAN HANSON JUST SHOT TRIPLE R IN THE ASS WITH A BB GUN!” Triple R holds his rear and winces in pain. Suave: “IT’S BEEN A GREAT YEAR. SEE YOU ON SEPTEMBER 15TH FOR THE GRUDGE MATCH BETWEEN JUSTIN SUFFERABLE AND TRIPLE R (ROAD RAGIN’ RANDY) FOR THE BCEW TITLE AT BCEW- LOOSE CANNONS LOCK AND LOAD 2!”
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