Last week on PCW on P-SPAN:
-Republican Leader Reince Priebus, flanked by billionaires Charles and David Koch (R), announced that the Koch Brothers have volunteered to bankroll a Red Brand show.
-Priebus later announced the return of ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann. McMann promised to bring a patriotic, ‘family friendly,’ ‘PG’ vibe to PCW.
-PCW CEO Barack Obama (D-IL), accompanied by former CEO Bill Clinton, arrived to congratulate the new PCW Champion Triple R (D)- except Triple R never made it to the ring as American Heartland Coalition members Charlie Blackwell and Mike the Mechanic jumped him in the back and laid him out.
-Obama returned to the ring, with Clinton behind him propping him up, and brought out George Soros (D) to announce that the Democrats are also setting up a separate Blue Brand tour to middle class America by also excluding most of the lower/mid card wrestlers including Charlie Blackwell and Mike the Mechanic of the American Heartland Coalition.
Ted E. Dangerously joins Suave in the ring. He offers Suave a beer (Suave declines) and says he started out as a cheap imitation knock off of a movie that was hot at the time…
…because he wanted to do anything it took to become part of PCW. That’s why he proclaimed himself “Ted E. Dangerously”- one part a mockery to the movie and one part an homage to Paul Heyman. But now, with everything that’s gone down in PCW over the past few weeks, Ted’s getting serious. He proceeds to remove the stuffed teddy bear costume and then introduces a returning ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin.
Tessa says she’s back because she’s disgusted with what PCW has become. Unfocused. Dysfunctional. Red Brand and Blue Brand? Bringing back ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann? Seriously? She also rips on the fact that both tours will take place in expensive venues with exorbitant ticket prices that will be too much for average Americans to attend.
“So, if you want to go put on a show for a bunch of fat cat elitists, go. I’m going to stay right here in small town America along with my friend, Heartland Champion Dawn McGill, and we’re going to tear up this ring by putting on the best damn show possible!”
Ted whispers something in Tessa’s ear.
“Oh, and drink a few beers while we’re at it.”
Republican HQ (Hint: not at Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon)
PCW Women’s Champion Jill Berg (R) works inside her plush office while Tessa’s promo is on the television. She looks up briefly at Tessa and then turns off the TV.
‘The Massachusetts Redblood’ Mitt Romney (R-MA) comments on the ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin’s earlier remarks.
Romney blames CEO Barack Obama (D-IL) for PCW’s dysfunction…and the 47% of the country who want big government to take care of them and who’ll vote for Obama no matter what.
(1) Brendan Irving (D) vs. Dan Van Dam
Irving made his debut last Thursday at PCW on P-SPAN, losing a tough match against former PCW Champion ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (D)
Replay: Brendan Irving vs. ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism last week
At the end of the hotly contested match, Chism hit the Hollywood Blockbuster the match ended with a lightning fast three count for the ‘One Man Hollywood A-List.’ Chism got on the mic after the match and shouted ‘SENIORITY!” before heading to the back.
…Van Dam fights out of an abdominal stretch. Irving takes a headlock but DVD tries to reverse into an inverted DD. He misses and Irving hits springboard moonsault for a 2 cout. Van Dam whiffs on another kick and Irving flapjacks him. Irving with the cover for a three count and the win.
WINNER: Brendan Irving (D) @ 7:10
Suave: “He doesn’t need Seniority to win a match. He’s just that good!”
Post match, Chism runs out and decks Irving. Then he delivers the Hollywood Blockbuster and lays him out in the ring.
Chism yells “SENORITY!” as he leaves the ring and heads to the back.
PCW CEO Barack Obama Responds to Romney
In response to Tessa Martin’s statement and Mitt Romney, Obama puts the blame squarely for the lack of direction PCW has suffered from on…Mitt Romney, George W. Bush, and bitter small town folk who cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them.
Papa Razzi in the Ring
“Hey. Anyone heard anything about some really cool pictures I took of the Duchess of Cambridge?”
The crowd boos and Papa Razzi whips out his camera and starts taking shots of various people in the crowd.
Papa Razzi asks how did he get the scoop on the photos of the topless Princess?
“I’ve got a long, powerful telephoto lens. “
The crowd starts to laugh and titter…
“On my camera. Geez, I’ve got a long telephoto lens on my camera, okay?”
Papa Razzi continues to brag about his accomplishment and then…
*That annoying SweetJack jingle with the barking dog plays*
The crowd roars when Sweet Jack, pushing down a bucket of plunder he purchased online at a substantial discount on SweetJack.com.
(2) Extreme Coupon Clipping Gangsta Sweet Jack vs. Papa Razzi
Sweet Jack wraps a stainless steel toilet lid he purchased for 50% off around Papa Razzi’s neck and starts swinging him around the ring with it. Then he takes a five iron (70% off- clearance price) and nails Papa Razzi with it. Sweet Jack finishes Papa Razzi off after emptying out the trash can of his discounted items.
WINNER: Extreme Coupon Clipping Gangsta Sweet Jack @ 6:53
Tom Harkin’s (D-IA) Annual Fish Fry (Hint: also not at Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon)
Potential PCW CEO candidate in 2016 Martin O’Malley (D-MD) chats with a surprise returnee to PCW- Kathryn Randall Collins (D). KRC also catches a brief glimpse of Tessa’s promo on a nearby television while hobnobbing with Democratic activists at the Fish Fry.
Somehow, another new PCW wrestler, Couch Potato, gets into the serving line and we have ourselves a-
***GRATUITOUS PRODUCT PLACEMENT MOMENT!!!!!***
Jared…yes, THAT Jared…aka the Subway Jared…is there to hand out food.
The camera pans to Jared, who gives Couch Potato a Turkey sub. Following an awkward pause, Couch Potato clears his throat and Jared also gives him a Meatball Marinara and a Italian BLT. The camera zooms into Couch Potato stuffing all three subs into his piehole.
Then Couch Potato asks Jared to FEED…HIM…MORE FOOD! Jared’s nervous, but hands him a sub and Couch Potato snatches it out of his hand and jams it into his mouth.
(3) MAIN EVENT: Heartland Title Match
Heartland Champion Dawn McGill w/’Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin
Tom Tebow- Tim Tebow‘s long lost, black sheep brother no one knew he had w/Former New Orleans Defensive Coordinator Gregg Williams
This is McGill’s first title defense.
Tebow works over McGill with wild left hands as the crowd chants “you fat f***” at him.
Suave: “That’s a BIT harsh.”
Neckbreaker by Tebow gets 2. McGill then gets planted with a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Slingshot back suplex gets 2. Frustrated, Tebow blatantly chokes McGill in a rather unChristian-like manner which causes the ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ to hit the ring. Tebow bails. Martin runs the apron and crossbodies Tebow into the crowd.
Tebow takes his time getting up so McGill hits a TRIPLE JUMP PLANCHA W/CHAIR! She goes to guillotine legdrop Tebow into a chair but he moves and McGill legdrops a set up chair. Williams comes over and gets a couple cheap shots in but McGill won’t stay down. She hits a rana on Williams. Tebow has a chair and nails McGill with it.
Then Tessa Martin blasts Tebow with a chair of her own and it’s CHAIR DUEL TIME! Tebow isn’t used to it and loses easily. Tebow on a table bridging rail and apron. McGill heads up – MOONSAULT TO THE FLOOR THROUGH THE TABLE. TRIPLE JUMP MOONSAULT gets 2.
Tebow rallies and plants McGill with a German suplex for 2. He whips McGill into the corner and then ‘Tebows.’ McGill comes back and kicks Tebow in the face and then goes after a springboard super rana. Tebow grabs the ropes to and goes to knee drop McGill w/chair. McGill moves so he just gets chair. Bad knee alert! McGill dropkicks Tebow and then slaps on the Katahajime. Tebow is finished.
WINNER AND STILL HEARTLAND CHAMPION: Dawn McGill @ 10:23
Post match, a man dressed in a Jets “6″ jersey runs in and attacks Tebow.
Suave: “HOLY CRAP! IT’S MATT SANCHEZ! NEW YORK JET QUARTERBACK MARK SANCHEZ’S LONG LOST COUSIN!
Sanchez puts the boots to Tebow and then shouts “this is how you throw the ball!” Sanchez then rains down right hands as the show closes…
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