Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit (R)
…in the ring. Walstreit: “I hear a lot of talk tonight about ‘PCW troubles.’ It sounds to me as if PCW needs to start employing corporate branding. Corporate branding would allow PCW to stake a position in the political wrestling world to build from.”
Big Bowl Bob joins Corporate Might. BBB: “Exactly. If PCW wants to get out of its rut, they need to start thinking big just we do in big bowl land. That’s why we don’t want to see Kent State in a major bowl. You can’t brand a big bowl without a big team.”
Average Joe: “Corporate branding? More like corporate blanding. Ever listen to radio stations while traveling across the country? It’s the same music, the same personalities, the same jingles. Corporate branding has sucked the creativity out of radio. Bad idea. And don’t get me started about the BCS-“
Corporate Might attacks and Big Oil spikes The American Taxpayer with an Oklahoma Driller. The referee slides into the ring and calls for the bell.
Corporate Might: Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit (R) w/Big Bowl Bob
Average Joe and Mitch Thomas- American Taxpayer
Corporate Might abuse Average Joe in what’s essentially a two on one match with the American Taxpayer laid out. Big Bowl Bob stands over Thomas and taunts him.
Big Oil and Walstreit hit a backdrop combo on Average Joe and it looks like it’s over. Then…
Hazell nails Big Bowl Bob with a Kent State football helmet. Lynch climbs into the ring. Big Oil charges. Lynch ducks and Big Oil flips over the top rope and out of the ring. Walstreit tries to beg off as Lynch advances. Average Joe pulls himself up…AVERAGE SLAM TO WALSTREIT! Cover…1…2…3.
WINNER: Average Joe and Mitch Thomas- American Taxpayer
Suave: “THEY WON! AVERAGE JOE AND THOMAS WIN…wait a second…MITCH THOMAS- THE AMERICAN TAXPAYER ACTUALLY WON A MATCH???”
Thomas is shocked as well.
Suave interviews Detroit Lion Ndamukong Suh after the match. Suave asks him to describe what happened last week when he fell during the game against the Houston Texans. Suh started to fall…he kicked his leg up…and nailed Big Bowl Bob in the balls as he walked by. Suave: “Ahhhh, I understand now.”
“I believe the children are our are future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier…”
PCW Women’s champion Jill Berg (R) appears with two children flanking her.
JILL: Hi. I’m Jill Berg. I believe the children are our future. Communities statewide are recognizing that healthy childhood experiences are not just good for children, but good for their communities as well. It’s simple really. The actions we take, like parent-child interaction, reading and constructive play, can promote healthy child development.”
“Everybody searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone to fulfill my needs
A lonely place to be
So I learned to depend on me…”
The scene shifts to Jill sitting on a couch with children playing in front of her. She leans forward with her chin resting on her hand.
JILL: “Unfortunately, children are sometimes exposed to intensive stress. Too much stress is bad for anyone but it can be devastating to child development.”
Behind Jill, one boy leaps across the couch and tackles another boy.
JILL: “At a time when we all care about the economy and its effect on the family, it just makes sense to spend more time learning how stable, nurturing relationships influence a child’s developing brain and provide a foundation for all future development.”
Another boy stands on the arm of the couch, preparing to jump.
Child: “TO THE EXTREME!”
He leaps and lands a flying elbow.
JILL: “So, promote healthy child development. Take time out to play with your child-YOW!”
The camera slides back to show a young girl with a mischevious grin on her face and her foot on Jill’s expensive heels.
JILL: “Take the time to play with your child. And you and your child will be the better for it. I, Jill Berg, will do my part as well because I’m not just wrestling for me- I’m wrestling for the children!”
A-Bomb and H-Bomb’s Dressing room. A. Tom Bomb, Hy Drogen Bomb, and Daisy Cutter-Bomb are seated while General R.C. Patton paces manically in front of them.
General Patton: “Men…” Daisy: “AHEM!” Gen. Patton: “…And lady. This stuff that some sources are slinging around about the Bomb Brothers not being able to take the next step, to win the PCW Tag Team title and bring it back to the Republicans, is a crock of bullshit. Americans love to fight, traditionally. All real Americans love the sting and clash of battle. We’re going to win this war, but we’ll win it only by fighting and by showing each and every tag team in PCW that we’ve got more guts than they have; or ever will have. We’re not going to just pin the sons-of-bitches, we’re going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.” Daisy: “Tanks?” Gen. Patton: “Er…it’s just a metaphor. Now, we are not interested in holding onto anything, except the enemy’s balls…” H-Bomb: “Say what?” Gen. Patton: “Metaphor.” A-Bomb: “We want the PCW Tag Team title.” General Patton: “*sigh* Yes. And the PCW Tag Team title. What I am trying to say is that we are going to twist their balls and kick the living shit out of him all of the time. Our basic plan of operation is to advance and to keep on advancing regardless of whether we have to go over, under, or through the enemy. We are going to go through him like crap through a goose; like shit through a tin horn! The harder WE push, the more wins we will have. The more we win, the higher we will advance until the day comes that we reach our objective. You may be thankful that twenty years from now when you are sitting by the fireplace with your grandson on your knee and he asks you what you did in the great PCW, you WON’T have to cough, shift him to the other knee and say, ‘Well, your Granddaddy shoveled shit in Louisiana.’ No, Sir, you can look him straight in the eye and say, ‘Son, your Granddaddy tag teamed with his brother led by a Son-of-a- Goddamned-Bitch named R.C. Patton! Now, let’s go!”
CHRIS CHRISTIE ARRIVES FOR MAIN EVENT
Chris Christie (R-NJ) walks out to cheers and leads the Jersey Boyz to the ring for their Main Event match. Suave: “Christie’s pissed off a lot of Republicans, but he seems to have a lot of support from New Jersey right now. Main event coming right up after this.”
PCW REWIND: JANUARY 2010
Inside the ring is D.W.I.: Al Cahall and PCW Hall of Famers (to be) The Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don Martini with Colonel DeBauchery]
Al Cahall: “Hello. How are all my Al Cahall-ics tonight?”
Al Cahall: “That’s what I thought. Please give it up for incoming PCW Hall of Famer, former TWO-time, I said, TWO-TIME PCW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS- THE DRUNKEN LUCHADORS DAN AND DON MARTINI!”
Crowd: “RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH…WELCOME BACK! (clap, clap clap-clap-clap)…WELCOME BACK! (clap, clap clap-clap-clap).”
[The Martini's hold up their bottles of Jack Daniels...guzzle the contents down...and then smash the bottles over their heads.]
Sauve: “You know, that might seem a little extreme to some. But it works for the Martinis.”
['Extreme Vegan' Brock Cole Lee, GreenPete, PeaceNick, and Peta from PETA aka...The Green World Order walk out.]
Brock Cole Lee: “The world is a mess. People are fatter and more out of shape than in any time in history.
PeaceNick: “The American occupation of Iraq. The war in Afghanistan.”
GreenPete: “Global warming threatens our very existance. Animals are on the verge of extinction.”
Peta from PETA: “And worse, they’re being exploited like that poor groundhog in Punxsutawney!”
Brock Cole Cole: “What exactly are you celebrating right now?”
[Cahall, the Martinis, and Colonel DeBauchery all look at each other and smile.]
Col. DeBauchery: “Why, we’re celebrating being alive.”
[Colonel DeBauchery, looking like a bizarre combination of the AWA's Colonel DeBeers and Lt. Aldo from Inglorious Basterds, steps forward.]
Col. DeBauchery: “You probably heard we ain’t in the take no prisoner-takin’ business like usual wrasslers; we in the killin’ brewskis business…”
[Colonel DeBauchery takes a bottle of beer and chugs it down.]
Col. DeBauchery: “And cousin, Business is a-boomin’.
[Cahall raises his glass and chugs his beer down.]
Col. DeBauchery: “That’s what I like to hear. But I got a word of warning for all you would-be drunken warriors, you join Drunken Warriors Inebriated or D.W.I. you take on a debit, a debit you owe me personally. Each and every man under my command owes me one-hundred…
[DeBauchery peels the label off his beer bottle.]
Col. DeBauchery: “labels off anything alcoholic you drink. And I want my labels! And all y’all will get me one-hundred labels taken from the bottles of one-hundred empty bottles… or you will die trying!”
Al Cahall: “Here’s mine.”
[Cahall hands Col. DeBauchery a plastic bag full of labels. The Martinis motion to the back and a forklift begins driving down with a huge box. A few labels flutter from the box as the forklift reaches ringside.]
Col. DeBauchery: “Now, that’s what I like to see. As I said, bizness is a booming-”
[The Green World Order, save PeaceNick, hit the ring and interrupt the Colonel.]
Suave: “THE GREEN WORLD ORDER’S ATTACKING D.W.I.!”
[Extreme Vegan Brock Cole Lee heaves Colonel DeBauchery over the top rope. GreenPete tackles Al Cahall. Peta jumps on Don Martini's back and begins to choke him out. Meanwhile, PeaceNick protests the violence on the outside.]
Jersey Boyz: Vinnie and Frankie (R) w/Chris Christie (R-NJ)
Weapons of Mass Destruction: A. Tom Bomb and Hy Drogen Bomb (R) w/Daisy Cutter-Bomb and General R.C. Patton
A sizable contingent of Republicans in the crowd, still upset at Christie over working with Obama during Hurricane Sandy, chant “WE DON’T WANT YOU!” Vinnie starts off with A-Bomb and immediately is dragged from the ring. A-Bomb finds a chair and murders him with a chairshot. H-Bomb drags Frankie through the crowd and busts him open with an I-Phone.
After ten minutes of brawling, both teams make their way back to the ring. A-Bomb whips Frankie into the Bomb’s corner. Daisy Cutter-Bomb pops up on the apron and whips out a can of hairspray. She goes to spray it Frankie’s eyes but he ducks and A-Bomb gets it instead.
Frankie with the roll-up…1..2..3.
WINNER: Jersey Boyz (R)
Gen. Patton confronts Daisy. Gen. Patton: “What the hell was THAT?” Chris Christie celebrates with the Jersey Boyz as the show ends.
- LOCAL: Kent State Holds Sendoff for Football Team Heading to the Championships (newstalkcleveland.com)
- BCS implications in NIU vs Kent St MAC title game (nbcsports.msnbc.com)
- College football: NIU vs. Kent State biggest MAC title game ever (rrstar.com)
- BCS implications in NIU vs Kent St MAC title game (indeonline.com)
- Personal branding vs corporate branding (adigaskell.org)
Filed under: 2012 Election, Barack Obama, Blogs- Pro Wrestling, conservative, Democratic Party, democrats, Independents, joe six pack, Joe the Plumber, John McCain, Libertarian, Paul Heyman, political satire, political wrestling, Politics, Pro Wrestling, progressive, red state, Republican Party, republicans, Small Town America, Tea Party, Third Party, White House, wordpress political blogs Tagged: | Average Joe, Bowl Championship Series, Chris Christie, Darrell Hazell, Joe, Kent State, Kent State University, Supermajor, United States, Whitney Houston