Herbstreit: “Some teams just don’t belong!”: PCW Extreme Political TV-Conclusion

PCW Extreme Political TV- Conclusion
Dekalb, IL
Monday December 3rd, 2012
Host: Johnny Suave

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
(The opening notes of Whitney Houston’s version of ‘The Greatest Love of All’ starts to play)

“I believe the children are our are future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier…”

PCW Women’s champion Jill Berg (R) appears with two children flanking her.


PCW Women’s Champion Jill Berg (R)

JILL: Hi. I’m Jill Berg. I believe the children are our future. Communities statewide are recognizing that healthy childhood experiences are not just good for children, but good for their communities as well. It’s simple really. The actions we take, like parent-child interaction, reading and constructive play, can promote healthy child development.”

“Everybody searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone to fulfill my needs
A lonely place to be
So I learned to depend on me…”

The scene shifts to Jill sitting on a couch with children playing in front of her. She leans forward with her chin resting on her hand.

JILL: “Unfortunately, children are sometimes exposed to intensive stress. Too much stress is bad for anyone but it can be devastating to child development.”

Child: “BANZAI!”

Behind Jill, one boy leaps across the couch and tackles another boy.

JILL: “At a time when we all care about the economy and its effect on the family, it just makes sense to spend more time learning how stable, nurturing relationships influence a child’s developing brain and provide a foundation for all future development.”

Another boy stands on the arm of the couch, preparing to jump.

Child: “TO THE EXTREME!”

He leaps and lands a flying elbow.

JILL: “So, promote healthy child development. Take time out to play with your child-YOW!”

The camera slides back to show a young girl with a mischevious grin on her face and her foot on Jill’s expensive heels.

JILL: “Take the time to play with your child. And you and your child will be the better for it. I, Jill Berg, will do my part as well because I’m not just wrestling for me- I’m wrestling for the children!”

CHILDREN: “JILLLLL-BERG!….JILLLLLL-BERG!….JILLLLLL-BERG!”

HUMP

THUMP

THUMP-THUMP-THUMP

THUMP

THUMP

THUMP-THUMP-THUMP

The video screen goes to just outside a dressing room in the back. A police escort is waiting at the door. One of the policemen knocks on the door.

Policeman – Ms. Berg. It’s time.

The door opens and four large male bodybuilding types walk out of the dressing room surrounding a petite woman and her male assistant, Jerry.  The woman is busy talking on her cell phone while the man furiously scribbles down notes as the group makes their way towards the ring.

Suave – Here she comes!  The phenomenon known as…JILL-BERG!

THUMP

THUMP

THUMP-THUMP-THUMP

The procession emerges from the back and starts their way down the ramp. The male assistant has a microphone and a portable tape recorder. He flips it on.

“JILL-BERG…JILL-BERG…”

The group then continues towards the ring leaving the police escort behind.

THUMP

THUMP

THUMP-THUMP-THUMP

“JILL-BERG…JILL-BERG…”

The four bodyguards assist Ms. Berg into the ring. She and her assistant immediately go to a corner.

“JILL-BERG…JILL-BERG…”

Berg continues to talk on her cell phone.

“JILL-BERG…JILL-BERG…”

“JILL-BERG…JILL-BERG…”

Kimber Marshall in the ring.

Marshall – Weighing tonight at 95 pounds.  From the financial district of New York City…she is the PCW Women’s champion- JILL-BERG!

“JILL-BERG…JILL-BERG…”

“JILL-BERG…JILL-BERG…”

Marshall – And her opponent…


C.J. Lewis (D)

Suave: “It’s a rematch of the PCW Women’s title match from Extreme Election Night 2012.  Women’s Champion Jill Berg vs. former Hooter’s waitress C.J.-”


4 Time Women’s Champion Kathryn Randall Collins (D)

KRC hits the ring to to interrupt.

KRC: “First off, you had your shot at the title last month, C.J.  You lost.  You were inexperienced.  You were not ready.  And now, it’s time for you to step back for me.  This is my spot.  This should be my opportunity.  I have seniority.  You need to stand down.”

Lewis: “I think you need to back off, lady.  I’ve worked hard for this chance.  The reason I lost is because Code Pink and Emily S List interfered in my match.  Just like you are-”

Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) runs out and tries to mediate the situation.   She tells both KRC and Lewis that this is all the Republican‘s fault.  Pelosi blames the Republican’s ‘War on Women’ for the discord and lack of cooperation between the two ladies.  Then Jill Berg whips around and hits a snapping heel kick on Lewis.  The former waitress drops to the mat.  Pelosi heads for the hills and when Berg turns towards KRC- KRC decides to exit stage right.

Berg covers…1…2…3.

WINNER AND STILL PCW CHAMPION: ‘The Phenomenon That Is”  Jill Berg (R)

Suave: “So, in just over two weeks, PCW will hold our ‘End of the World II’ supershow.  PCW Champion Triple R (D), Tag Team Champions Big Union (D), and Women’s Champion Jill Berg (R) will all put their titles on the line.  Who will they be facing?  We’ll find out over the next couple of weeks.  PCW ‘End of the World II’ Friday December 21st.


“SEC Guy” Tom Tebow- Tim Tebow’s Long Lost Black Sheep Brother No One Ever Knew Existed w/Coach Ray Ryan

Tebow comes back out.

Suave: “Now what.  Haven’t we run this whole college football thing into the-”

Tebow interrupts Suave and says he has a list of the BCS Bowl Games as they should have been.  Suave says okay and Tebow reads off the list:

SEC Guy Tom Tebow’s BCS Bowl Games If He Had His Way
Championship Game: Alabama vs. Florida

Sugar Bowl: Georgia vs. LSU

Orange Bowl: South Carolina vs. Texas A & M

Fiesta Bowl: Vanderbilt vs. Mississippi State

Rose Bowl: Wisconsin vs. Stanford (and only because those stick in the muds only want a Big 10 vs. Pac 12 game)

Suave: “Interesting.  Myopic, but interesting.”

Tebow: “It’s sure as hell better than that Northern Illinois team making the Orange Bowl.  What’s their best win this year?  Over the South Harmon Institute  of Technology?”

*SMUSH*  An orange smashes into Tebow’s face.  He’s not amused.  *SMUSH* Another orange plasters his face.

Tebow: “What the **** is going on-”  *SMUSH*

Northern Illinois quarterback Jordan Lynch pops out and fires oranges in rapid fire action at Tebow- who takes a couple more direct hits and then makes a run for it.

Herbstreit
Judge Smails…er…Kirk Herbstreit

Herbstreit appears via video screen off site at a country club.

Herbstreit: “All right.  Enough.  The whole lot of you are classless for not understanding a simple fact- some teams just don’t belong.  You know, despite what happened, despite that awful sign that appeared at the local gas station in DeKalb…”

Suave: “What sign?”

Huskies

Suave: “Oh yeah.  That sign.”

Herbstreit: “I’m still convinced that many of you here in DeKalb, Illinois have fine qualities. I think you all can still become a gentleman with higher evolved tastes in college football someday if you simply understand and abide by the rules of decent society.  There’s a lot of…well, badness in the world today.  Football teams on probation.  Coaches getting fired.  And a Mid-American Conference football team in the sanctum, the grotto of elite college football teams- a BCS bowl.”

Herbstreit asks ‘isn’t it enough that we give the MAC 15 minutes of our precious air time on ESPN?’

Bushwood

Herbstreit: “Exactly.  Why can’t you just accept your 15 minutes and then move along?”

The crowd boos and begins to pelt the video screen with oranges.

Herbstreit: “Now, see?  This is exactly what I’m talking about.  This is not about you or Northern Illinois.  This is about good football and bad football.  The most important decision you can make right now is what you stand for- goodness…or bad-…oh, now what?”

A commotion breaks out behind Herbstreit.  He turns and sees a group of Northern Illinois students storming the swimming pool.

Herbstreit: “HEY!  GET AWAY FROM THE POOL!  HEY! YOU GET AWAY FROM THERE!  HEY!”

The students start diving into the pool.  Then…

Dan Patrick
Sports Talk Radio Host Dan Patrick

…appears behind Walstreit.

Patrick: “DON’T PICK ON THE MAC, HERBIE!”

*WHACK*

Big Bertha
Calloway Driver

Patrick: “BANG BISCUIT!”

PCW Rankings

PCW WORLD CHAMPION:  Triple R (D)
#1 SINGLES CONTENDER: P.M.C. Banks (R)
-It looks like Banks will get a rematch for the PCW Title at the End of the World II show as Republicans and Democrats are locked in a mortal battle right now over a plan to keep PCW from falling off the financial cliff.

PCW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS:  Big Union: ‘The Self Described Savior of the Middle Class’ Big Labor and James the Jeep Worker (D)
#1 TAG TEAM CONTENDER: TBD
-Who will be the next tag team to step up?  Corporate Might (R)?  Charlie Blackwell and Mike the Mechanic?  Someone else?

PCW WOMEN’S CHAMPION: Jill Berg (R)
#1 WOMEN’S TITLE CONTENDER: C.J. Lewis (D)
-Berg and Lewis seem to be on a collision path again for End of the World II.  But Kathryn Randall Collins (D) seems bent on taking Lewis’s place.

HEARTLAND CHAMPION: William Daniels Bryan
#1 CONTENDER: TBD
-With Dawn McGill fading back into the background for the moment, who will be the next one to challenge for the Heartland title?

MAIN EVENT:


Corporate Might: Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit (R)
with Big Bowl Bob
vs.


American Heartland Coalition: Charlie Blackwell and Mike the Mechanic w/Tequila Sheila

Blackwell and Mike the Mechanic, both wearing Northern Illinois football jerseys, run down and attack Corporate Might immediately.   But the team struggle to take them down and Big Oil takes control.  Big Oil low blows Blackwell.  Walstreit brawls with Mike.  Mike takes a huge burrito from someone in the crowd and smashes it into Walstreit’s face.

Blackwell is handed a cheese grater and opens up Big Oil’s forehead with a scrape across it.

Big Oil gets pissed and nails Blackwell with a facebuster through a set-up chair. Mike head butts his way out of Walstreit’s corner attack and stumbles into a huge powerslam from Big Oil.   Big Oil goes for the Oklahoma Driller but Tequila Sheila throws a margarita into his eyes.  Mike the Mechanic grabs a set of jumper cables and turns on a portable generator…**ZAP**  Big Oil’s out.  Blackwell hits Walstreit with a steel chair to win.

WINNER: Charlie Blackwell and Mike the Mechanic

Suave: “HUGE UPSET FOR BLACKWELL AND MIKE THE MECHANIC!  PCW’S END OF THE WORLD II SHOW IN TWO WEEKS.  WE’LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.”

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