Loose Cannons Unleashed 5 was the climax of a 9 month story arc involving a large corporate conglomerate called Domination Inc. Domination Inc. is led by longtime PCW nemesis ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann and its stated goal is the hostile takeover of Political Championship Wrestling so Mr. McMann can remake it in his own vision.
However, Mr. McMann has a problem. Domination Inc. has a ‘mole’ within the organization who feeds corporate information and plans to PCW. This has thwarted McMann’s plans repeatedly throughout the 9 months. At Loose Cannons Unleashed, McMann will find out once and for all just who the mole is. The question is: will Domination Inc. survive when the mole is revealed?
PCW Champion O’Beck Bahama-managed by ‘Not just unbearable…not just intolerable…he is’ Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance (aka Democrats) vs. ‘Domination Inc’s Seven Foot Tall Weapon of Mass Destruction’ Big Monster Wahlie aka…BMW
Bahama has been the PCW Champion since winning the title at PCW Extreme Election Night 2008 in November.
BMW is the latest cog in Mr. McMann’s plan to secure the PCW Title. He’s wreaked havoc throughout Political Championship Wrestling over the past month and now McMann has him in a position to bring the PCW Title to Domination Inc. However, Mr. McMann has protected him from ‘serious’ competition over the few weeks BMW has been in PCW. Is he being overly cautious with his newest star player, or does BMW have a fatal flaw that hasn’t come to the forefront yet?
(Note: the ‘fatal flaw’ will become apparent in the next two PCW Extreme Political TV show leading up to Loose Cannons Unleashed)
Janeane Garofalo (Progressive Alliance) vs. ‘The Queen of Political Extreme’ Ann Coulter (American Patriots aka Republicans) in a grudge cage deathmatch.
The Angry Left Wing Bloggers-Daily Kos, Media Matters for America, Jane Hamsher, and Paul Krugman (Progressive Alliance) vs. W’s Image Rehab and Truth Squad- ‘The Mastermind’ Karl Rove, Dana Perino, Ari Fleischer, and Andrew Card.
Garofalo has revenge on her mind after Coulter handcuffed her to a cage and blasted her with a steel-folding chair a few weeks ago.
The Angry Left Wing Bloggers also want revenge on W’s Truth Squad after being attacked and left unconscious with the letter W spray painted on their backs.
(Note: on the blog and Newsline it shows the Right Wing Brigadiers as being the Angry Left Wing Bloggers opponents. That will change at the next PCW Extreme Political TV show)
PCW Women’s Champion ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin (American Heartland Coalition- another PCW faction) puts her title on the line in a three way dance against Kathryn Randall Collins managed by Hillary Clinton and accompanied by the Clinton Political Pitbulls James Carville and Paul Begala and Kalee Jones- The Eskimo Queen managed by The Alaskan Pitbull Sarah Palin.
Martin just completed graduate school and will be leaving Political Championship Wrestling in mid-June.
KRC and the Eskimo Queen have been embroiled in a feud revolving around a controversial referee, Paul Martin Adams aka PMA, brought in by John Murtha of the Progressive Alliance. PMA has repeated called matches as no contests just as The Eskimo Queen seemed to have the momentum on her side. (Note: there are no DQ’s in PCW).
KRC is a two time PCW Women’s champion who desperately wants the title back.
The Eskimo Queen is an up and comer who’s seeking her first PCW Women’s title.
(note: Mercedes from Domination Inc. will be added to the match to make it a four way dance for the title.)
PCW Tag Team Championship
PCW Tag Team Championship: Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit (Dick Cheney’s Extreme Neo-Con Alliance) vs. Cadillac and Jaguar (Domination Inc.)
Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit are former employees of Domination Inc. who were contractually forced to give up their titles by Mr. McMann. McMann’s original plan was to hand the titles to his new protegees Cadillac and Jaguar. PCW CEO Barack Obama nixed that idea and set up an 8 team tournament to determine the new champion. Big Oil and Walstreit/Cadillac and Jaguar made it through a tough PCW Tag Team division
SNAFU (Independent) defends the PCW Television Title against Newt Tron Bomb (American Patriots).
With the help of Dr. Bill- a Dr. Phil wannbe who spouts ridiculous platitudes masquerading as self-help mantra, SNAFU graduated from ‘talent enhancement’ to win the TV Title from ‘No Frill’s Chris Escondido.
N-Bomb defeated Dave the Mechanic in a #1 contender’s match to get another shot at the PCW TV Title. N-Bomb defeated SNAFU a few weeks back in a #1 contender’s match when Escondido was the TV Champion
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Here is the complete card:
Main Event: PCW TITLE MATCH
PCW Champion O’Beck Bahama (Progressive Alliance) vs.
Domination Inc’s ‘Seven Foot Tall Weapon of Mass Destruction’ Big Monster Wahlie!
PCW TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH
Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit- Wall Street Analyst with the man crush on ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit (Dick Cheney’s Extreme Neo-Con Alliance) vs.
Cadillac and Jaguar (Domination Inc.)
PCW WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH
Kathryn Randall Collins aka…KRC (Progressive Alliance) vs.
Kalee Jones- The Eskimo Queen (SarahPAC) vs.
Mercedes (Domination Inc.) vs.
PCW Women’s Champion ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin (American Heartland Coalition)
PCW TELEVISION TITLE MATCH
PCW TV Champion SNAFU (Independent) vs.
Newt Tron Bomb (American Patriots)
Angry Left Wing Bloggers (Progressive Alliance) vs.
Right Wing Brigadiers (American Patriots)
Janeane Garofalo (Progressive Alliance) vs.
‘Queen of Political Extreme’ Ann Coulter in a Grudge Cage Deathmatch
Starz N. Stripes (Progressive Alliance) vs.
Quadruple R-Randy ‘Road Rage’ Richardson (Dick Cheney’s Extreme Neo-Con Alliance)
-if Starz N. Stripes wins, he gets 15 minutes with Dick Cheney at Club Gitmo
-if Quad R wins, W’s Image Rehab and Truth Squad gets to waterboard him
———————-
PCW LOOSE CANNONS UNLEASHED 5: June 7th from Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon in Wauseon, Ohio
HOSTS: Johnny Suave and his life size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain
******
Crowd: “PCW!…PCW!…PCW!…PCW!…PCW!…PCW!…” Suave: “HELLO…AND WELCOME TO P-C-W LOOSE CANNONS UNLEASHED FIVE!” A thunderous cheer follows. Crowd: “PCW!…PCW!…PCW!…” Suave: “I AM JOHNNY SUAVE. THIS SMOKIN’ HOT PIECE OF CARDBOARD IS SHANIA TWAIN. TONIGHT, WE ARE LIVE AT PCW’S SPIRITUAL HOME- HACK’S RUSTY NAIL SALOON!” Crowd: “JOHNNY SUAVE! JOHNNY SUAVE! JOHNNY SUAVE!…” Suave: “ALL FOUR TITLES ON THE LINE! LET’S RUN DOWN THE CARD ONE LAST TIME BEFORE OUR FIRST MATCH OF THE NIGHT!”
Main Event: PCW TITLE MATCH
PCW Champion O’Beck Bahama (Progressive Alliance) vs.
Domination Inc’s ‘Seven Foot Tall Weapon of Mass Destruction’ Big Monster Wahlie!
PCW TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH
Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit- Wall Street Analyst with the man crush on ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit (Dick Cheney’s Extreme Neo-Con Alliance) vs.
Cadillac and Jaguar (Domination Inc.)
PCW WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH
Kathryn Randall Collins aka…KRC (Progressive Alliance) vs.
Kalee Jones- The Eskimo Queen (SarahPAC) vs.
Mercedes (Domination Inc.) vs.
PCW Women’s Champion ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin (American Heartland Coalition)
*
PCW TELEVISION TITLE MATCH
PCW TV Champion SNAFU (Independent) vs.
Newt Tron Bomb (American Patriots)
Angry Left Wing Bloggers (Progressive Alliance) vs.
Right Wing Brigadiers (American Patriots)
Janeane Garofalo (Progressive Alliance) vs.
‘Queen of Political Extreme’ Ann Coulter in a Grudge Cage Deathmatch
Starz N. Stripes (Progressive Alliance) vs.
Quadruple R-Randy ‘Road Rage’ Richardson (Dick Cheney’s Extreme Neo-Con Alliance)
-if Starz N. Stripes wins, he gets 15 minutes with Dick Cheney at Club Gitmo
-if Quad R wins, W’s Image Rehab and Truth Squad gets to waterboard him
——————
A very pregnant Charlene Ann Beckworth climbs into the ring with some help from PCW Correspondent Gina Ramsey.
Crowd: “SHE’S HAVING TWINS! SHE’S HAVING TWINS!…” Charlene Ann: “Very funny. Very, very funny. Our first match tonight is a PCW Special Added Attraction!” The crowd cheers. Charlene Ann: “First, representing Fox News, he’s Mr. Anti-Spin, Bill O’Reilly!” Some in the crowd cheer. Others boo.
Charlene Ann: “His opponent is from MSNBC. It’s Keith Olbermann!” Some in the crowd cheer. Others boo. Olbermann and O’Reilly immediately engage in a war of words in the ring. Suave: “WHOA! It’s getting heated already!”
*IF YOU DON’T THINK I’M THE BEST WRESTLER THERE IS, THEN YOU DON’T KNOW JACK SCHETT!*
Aimee Allen’s ‘Start a Revolution’ starts to play. Suave: “WAIT A MINUTE! THAT’S JACK SCHETT’S MUSIC!”
Ron Paul, Jack Schett, Bull Schett, Horst Schett, and their extreme German Schnauzer Hans Gruber come out to a roaring ovation. The crowd sings along to “Start a Revolution” as they walk to the ring.
MATCH #1- Three Way Dance
BILL O’REILLY (Fox News) vs.
KEITH OLBERMANN (MSNBC) vs.
JACK SCHETT w/Ron Paul, Bull Schett, Horst Schett, and the Extreme German Schnauzer Hans Gruber (Ron Paul’s New Libertarian Army)
O’Reilly and Olbermann don’t know what to make of Schett. Suave: “O’Reilly and Olbermann came to the ring wanting to tear each other apart. But now, they may actually have to WORK TOGETHER to survive Can they do it?” The bell rings. Suave: “We’re gonna find out. Here we go. PCW Loose Cannons Unleashed 5 is under way! Olbermann and O’Reilly eye each other. Jack Schett is just waiting in his corner.” Both Olbermann and O’Reilly appear uncertain to what they should do. Suave: “O’Reilly sticks his leg through the ring ropes.” Crowd: “BOOOOOOOO!” Suave: “Now Olbermann sticks his leg through the ring ropes. Crowd: “BOOOOOOOO!” Jack Schett shakes his head. Crowd: “JACK’S GOING TO KILL YOU! (clap, clap clap-clap-clap) JACK’S GOING TO KILL YOU! (clap, clap clap-clap-clap) Suave: “Well! That’ll encourage them both to get back in the ring.” Jack feigns a step forward. Both O’Reilly and Olbermann go to the ring floor. Crowd: “BOOOOOOOOO!”
Olbermann grabs a mic. Olbermann: “Whoever set this match up is the WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD!” Olbermann glares at Jack Schett. Olbermann: “I don’t know who the hell *you* are. But get the hell out of the ring so I can wipe it up with Bill O’Reilly.” Jack smiles and leans up against the ropes. O’Reilly: “Listen Olbermann. You’re a pinhead. The pinhead of the day. You and your extreme left wing cronies at MSNBC have gone too far. I’m not advocating violence against you but I think people should go over and firebomb your house.” Crowd: “OOOOOOOH!” Olbermann: “I’m not going to rest until I kick you and your extreme right wing nuts at Fox off the air!” O’Reilly: “You just try!” Olbermann: “Oh yeah?” O’Reilly: “Yeah!” Suave: “Okay, let’s go guys.” Jack shakes his head and relaxes against the ring rope.
Referee Davey Keels finally tells both men to get back in the ring. O’Reilly is first. He tentatively climbs back in. Suave: “O’Reilly’s back in…Jack goes for a lock up…O’Reilly sticks his foot through the ropes.” Crowd: “BOOOOOOOOOO!” Suave: “I’m telling you. Somehow, someway, O’Reilly and Olbermann are going to have to work together!” Olbermann back in the ring. He edges away from Jack. Jack retreats back to his corner and waits. Olbermann inches closer to O’Reilly. O’Reilly completely goes through the ring ropes and leans against the turnbuckle on the apron. Olbermann takes another step forward. Suave: “Wait a minute. I think Olbermann is finally getting it.” Olbermann takes one last peek back at Jack…and then cheap shots O’Reilly by kicking his legs out from under him while he’s on the apron. Suave: “Well…maybe not.” O’Reilly falls to the floor. Olbermann follows. Suave: “Olbermann whips O’Reilly into the steel ring step- ..HERE COMES JACK SCHETT!” Jack leaps through the ropes and plows Olbermann hard into O’Reilly against the steel ring steps. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Crowd: “HOLY ####! HOLY ####!”
Suave: “UNBELIEVABLE! Jack rolls Olbermann and Bull Schett comes over and throws O’Reilly back in the ring. Horst Schett comes over with two bricks. Olbermann and O’Reilly are laid out on the canvas in opposite corners. Suave: “Here we go…double Schett brick coming…GLENN BECK? HARDBALL CHRIS MATTHEWS! IT’S GLENN BECK AND HARDBALL CHRIS MATTHEWS!” Beck and Matthews run to the ring from opposite sides. Bull Schett moves to cut off Beck. Horst motions to the Extreme German Schnauzer Hans Gruber. The dog takes off after Matthews. Suave: “THE BRICKS ARE IN PLACE! HOLY CRAP! BULL SCHETT JUST CLOTHESLINED THE HELL OUT OF GLENN BECK! AND HANS GRUBER JUST BIT MATTHEWS IN THE GROIN! MATTHEWS SPINS AROUND…IT LOOKS LIKE THAT SCENE FROM THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY WHERE BEN STILLER IS SPINNING AROUND WITH THE DOG CLAMPED ON HIS CROTCH! JACK AND BULL JUMP! SCHETT-BRICK! SCHETT-BRICK!” Jack and Bull cover. Referee Keels slides over to where Jack is covering O’Reilly. One…two…three…
Charlene Ann: “Your winner…JACK SCHETT!” Aimee Allen’s ‘Start a Revolution fires back up and the Schett’s celebrate with Ron Paul in the ring. Suave: “Jack Schett gets PCW Loose Cannons Unleashed 5 off to a roaring start by taking out Keith Olbermann and Bill O’Reilly!
Hardball Chris Matthews finally passes out after spinning around in vain to remove Hans Gruber ‘s jaws from his groin.
Suave: “We’re going to take a quick look at the next match between PCW Television Champion SNAFU and Newt Tron Bomb.”
——————-
REPLAY: 5/17-PCW ON P-SPAN SHOW: SNAFU wins the PCW Television Title
Escondido climbs the top rope- Dr. Bill sneaks over and crotches the TV champ on the top turnbuckle. SNAFU grabs Escondido and a Belly to Belly Suplexes him from the top rope. Escondido back up, SNAFU clotheslines him back down. Russian leg sweep by SNAFU. Emanuel in. German suplex by SNAFU on Rahm-bo. Dr. Bill throws a chair at Escondido. SNAFU spins around and kicks the chair in his face. SNAFU for the triple jump moonsault…splashes Escondido. SNAFU grabs the chair. Arabian Facebuster. SNAFU covers. One. Two. Three.
*
REPLAY: 5/20 PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV: SNAFU and Dr. Bill Celebrate
SNAFU comes to the ring holding up the PCW Television belt. ‘The Dr. Phil wannabe’ Dr. Bill follows with a huge grin. Dr. Bill takes the mic. Dr. Bill: “Take it from a guy: If you’re in love with somebody, you will swim the stream, you will climb the mountain, you will slay the dragon. You’re going to get to her somehow, some way. SNAFU wanted the PCW Television belt. He swam the stream. He climbed the mountain. And he slayed the dragon!” SNAFU points to the TV Title belt. Dr. Bill: “Sometimes you make the right decision, sometimes you make the decision right. Everyone told him he couldn’t graduate from ‘talent enhancement.’ Well, he made the decision right Sunday night…”
*
ANNOUNCER: A new challenger to the Television then stepped forward…
*
REPLAY: 5/27 PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV: #1 Contenders Match between Newt Tron Bomb w/Daisy Cutter-Bomb (American Patriots) and the American Trucker w/Tequila Sheila (American Heartland Coalition)
Daisy Cutter-Bomb comes over and clotheslines American Trucker. Newt Tron Bomb follows with an inverted DDT. Daisy follows with an Daisy Cutter Power Bomb. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” N-Bomb kicks American Trucker’s knee. N-Bomb knees American Trucker and rolls back to his feet.” Daisy sets a table up. Suave: “Well, that can’t be good. N-Bomb pulls American Trucker up. DDT THROUGH THE TABLE! HOLY CRAP!” Daisy rolls American Trucker back in the ring. Suave: “N-Bomb also back in. He backs his butt up to American Trucker’s face. EWWWWW! SILENT BUT DEADLY! SILENT BUT DEADLY!” The referee, holding his nose and his breath, rapidly counts to three and gets out of harm’s way.
———————
Charlene Ann: “Our next match is for the PCW Television Title. On his way to the ring at this time, weighing in at 200 pounds from Alamogordo, New Mexico. He’s a member of American Patriots and accompanied by Daisy Cutter-Bomb, Newt Tron Bomb!” The crowd cheers as N-Bomb climbs into the ring. Charlene Ann: “And his opponent, weighing in at 225 pounds, from Norway, Maine. He’s accompanied by Dr. Bill and holds the PCW Television Title title belt, SNAFU!” SNAFU climbs into the ring.
MATCH #2 for the PCW Television Title:
SNAFU w/Dr. Bill (Independent) (c) vs.
NEWT TRON BOMB w/Daisy Cutter-Bomb (American Patriots)
The bell rings. Suave: “There’s the bell. N-Bomb charges out! SNAFU gets nailed with an axhandle bodyblock! Baba chop. N-Bomb with a waist lock on now. Belly to Belly Suplex! It is all N-Bomb so far…SNAFU COMES BACK WITH A CLOTHESLINE!” Dr. Bill slides a chair in. SNAFU sets it up. Suave: “Triple Jump Moonsault on the waaaaay. YES! Cover. One…N-Bomb kicks right out. N-Bomb goes for a splash but SNAFU gets out of the way. SNAFU picks up N-Bomb…Fall Away Slam! SNAFU with a suplex. SNAFU with a VERTICAL SUPLEX. Now SNAFU mounts N-Bomb AND STARTS PUNCHING AWAY!” Daisy Cutter-Bomb up on the ring apron yelling at the referee. N-Bomb back up and whips himself off the ropes…AND RIGHT INTO A DROP TOE HOLD ONTO THE CHAIR! After a quick start, N-Bomb is in big trouble. SNAFU covers. One…Two…No! N-Bomb gets the shoulder up.”
SNAFU pulls N-Bomb up. Suave: “Gut Wrench Powerbomb on the open chair! SNAFU up top. 450 Splash! Oh man. N-Bomb just got crushed on that steel folding chair! Cover…one…two…NO! N-BOMB JUST GETS THE SHOULDER UP! WOW! OHHHHHHH so close!” SNAFU now goes to a reverse chin lock. Dr. Bill gets in the ring with his clipboard. Suave: “What the hell is he doing in there?” Dr. Bill takes a couple cheap shots with the clipboard. Suave: “Aw come on!” Daisy again up to the ring apron. Suave: “N-Bomb is getting worked over. But he escapes and decides to roll to the floor. Dr. Bill grabs a table and sets it up. SNAFU slams N-Bomb’s head onto the table. That impact was sickening. SNAFU steps back…SUPERKICK INTO THE TABLE! SNAFU up top!…HOLY CRAP! SENTON THROUGH THE TABLE!” Crowd: “PCW!…PCW!…PCW!…”
Suave: “SNAFU BACK UP ON TOP AGAIN…” Daisy slides into the ring. She runs across and crotches him on the top rope. Suave: “DAISY CUTTER-BOMB MAKES THE SAVE! NOW DR. BILL HAS A HOLD OF HER HAIR!” Dr. Bill tries to pull her by the hair from the ring. Daisy’s arm whips around. *CRRACKK* Suave: “HOLY CRAP! BACKFIST TO THE MUSH BY DAISY!” Dr. Bill flies off the apron to the floor. Suave: “DAISY IS GIVING N-BOMB INVALUABLE TIME TO COLLECT HIMSELF OUTSIDE THE RING.” N-Bomb pulls himself up. SNAFU lying on the ring apron. Suave: “N-Bomb goes up top. Now *he’s* going for a high risk move.” He MISSES the shooting star press, hits the corner of the ring apron, and falls harmlessly to the floor. Dr. Bill, bleeding from a cut courtesy of Daisy’s backfist, drapes him on a table on the floor. Suave: “He just hit this a couple moments ago. Can he do it again? SNAFU up top…HOLY CRAP! SPLASH THROUGH THE TABLE!”
The referee climbs out of the ring to survey the situation. N-Bomb tries to get up. SNAFU grabs him and throws him into the ring. Suave: “Overhead Belly to Belly Suplex! Cover. One…tw- kick out by N-Bomb. N-Bomb back up. Russian Leg Sweep puts him right back down.” SNAFU finds a chair. He gets a running start. ARABIAN FACEBUSTER! ARABIAN FACEBUSTER. COVER. ONE. TWO.. THREE.
Charlene Ann: “The winner of this match, and still PCW Television Title champion, SNAFU!!!
Suave: “SNAFU with an impressive win here tonight and…oh, oh.” Daisy Cutter-Bomb has Dr. Bill by the shirt collar. Suave: “Daisy’s got Dr. Bill! And SNAFU…is just watching?” Daisy lifts Dr. Bill. *WHAM!* Suave: “HOLY CRAP! DAISY CUTTER POWERBOMB THROUGH A TABLE!” Dr. Bill’s out cold in the wreckage of what’s left of the table. Suave: “And SNAFU just watched her to do it?” SNAFU shrugs his shoulders and leaves with the belt.
——————–
POLITICAL CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING IS PRESENTED BY:
Suave: “As they lower the cage down for our next match between the ‘Queen of Political Extreme’ Ann Coulter and Janeane Garofalo, let’s take a quick look back at this little feud that flared up a couple months ago…”
REPLAY: 4/26 PCW ON P-SPAN:
Steel Cage Grudge Match-Janeane Garofalo (Progressive Alliance) vs. PCW Women’s Champion ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin (American Heartland Coalition)
Announcer: “This first started as a feud between Garofalo and the Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl over Garofalo’s comments about ordinary Americans involved in the Boston Tea Party demonstrations across the country. But soon, it led to this…”
…Suave: “TESSA MARTIN GETS THE WIN AND…NOW WHAT? DICK CHENEY WANTS TO SHAKE TESSA’S HAND NOW? IS HE NUTS?” Dick thrusts his hand out to Tessa. Tessa looks around the crowd to gauge their response. Dick: “Shake my f###### hand!” Tessa’s eyes widen. Then she Pizza Cutters Dick. The crowd explodes. Suave: “PIZZA CUTTER! PIZZA CUTTER! TESSA JUST PIZZA CUTTERED DICK!…NOW SHE’S BEING ATTACKED BY W’S IMAGE REHAB AND TRUTH SQUAD!” Card, Perino, Fleischer, and Rove beat down Tessa. ‘The Queen of Political Extreme’ Ann Coulter and former PCW Women’s Champion Hallie Burton enter the cage.
Coulter grabs Garofalo and handcuffs her to the side of the cage. Suave: “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? THE QUEEN OF POLITICAL EXTREME ANN COULTER HAS HANDCUFFED JANEANE GAROFALO TO THE CAGE. AND NOW, ARI FLEISCHER AND ANDREW CARD HAVE BROUGHT IN A BARREL FULL OF WATER? AND A BOARD? Oh…no.” Burton pulls Tessa up and drapes her on the board. Perino handcuffs Tessa’s arms behind her back around the board and Fleischer and Card lower her into the water. Suave: “NO! STOP THEM! THAT’S NOT RIGHT!” Lamb: “My God. Are they actually…waterboarding her?” Suave: “WHAT THE HELL DOES IT LOOK LIKE, BRIAN?” Suave jumps on top of the announcer’s table. Suave: “DICK, THIS IS WRONG! STOP IT!” Dick sneers at Suave and has a microphone. Dick: “Of course you would think that way, Suave. Because you’re weak. You all are weak! When you face an enemy, do you worry about piddly little minute details such as the Geneva Convention?” Coulter takes a steel chair and blasts Garofalo with it. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! SHE’S KNOCKED OUT!”
ANNOUNCER: Garofalo responded to Coulter’s attack the next week on PCW Extreme Political TV.
REPLAY: 5/17 PCWExtreme Political TV: Garofalo issues a challenge
Garofalo: “Ann Coulter. You. Me. Steel cage match. We’re going to settle this once and for all. You won’t have Dick Cheney or any of his henchmen to help you. It’ll take more than the Geneva Convention to keep me from kicking your ass all over that cage. You got one on me last month. I’m going to get it back in spades on June 7th.”
——————-
Charlene Ann: Our next match is a Steel Cage Grudge Deathmatch. On her way to the ring at this time, weighing in at 168 pounds, from Los Angeles, CA a member of Progressive Alliance, Janeane Garofalo! Janeane Garofalo walks towards the ring. Ann Coulter already inside pacing back and forth.
Charlene Ann: “And her opponent, weighing in at 165 pounds, from Washington, D.C. a member of American Patriots, ‘The Queen of Political Extreme’ Ann Coul- HEY!” Suave: “GAROFALO CHARGED PAST CHARLENE ANN BECKWORTH AND SPEARED COULTER. THEY ROLL AROUND. CAT-FIIIIIIIGHT! CAT-FIIIIIIIGHT!” The referee quickly gets Charlene Ann out of the ring. Suave: “Yeah, not a very bright move on Garofalo’s part, shoving past a nine month pregnant woman!” Charlene Ann safely out of harm’s way. The ref calls for the bell.
MATCH #3 Steel Cage Grudge Deathmatch- winner either pins her opponent or climbs out of the cage first
JANEANE GAROFALO (Progressive Alliance) vs.
‘The Queen of Political Extreme’ ANN COULTER (American Patriots)
Suave: GAROFALO BITES THE QUEEN OF POLITICAL EXTREME!” Garofalo spits out a piece of skin and then yanks hard on Coulter’s hair. Coulter pushes her away. She bends down and tries to lift Garofalo. Garofalo reverses. Armdrag takedown. Suave: “Garofalo turns Coulter upside down…OW! SHE RAMS COULTER’S FACE INTO THE CAGE!…AND AGAIN…AND AGAIN! NOW A SIDEWALK SLAM BY GAROFALO! COULTER’S IN A WORLD OF HURT RIGHT NOW! GAROFALO’S CLIMBING OUT OF THE CAGE!” She makes it three steps up before Coulter grabs her ankles and pulls them off the cage. Suave: “GAROFALO HANGING ON FOR DEAR LIFE! COULTER’S TUGGING AT HER LEGS!” Coulter yanks hard on the legs. Garofalo loses her grip and falls straight down, bouncing off the cage and the ring apron. Coulter takes a few steps back. She runs and slides below the bottom rope and belts Garofalo in the mouth with her boots. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! GAROFALO MIGHT HAVE TO ACTIVATE HER DENTAL PLAN AFTER THAT WICKED BASEBALL SLIDE BY COULTER!”
Coulter brings her back in. Series of punches grounds Garofalo. Knee drop by Coulter. Blatant chokehold by Coulter. Suave: “Referee Davey Keels has his hands full with these two. He finally got Coulter to break the chokehold. Coulter wants to drop the elbow, but Garofalo rolls away. Coulter hits an earringer. She tries another one. Garofalo stops Coulter’s hand.” *SLAP* Suave: “And just slaps her silly across the face. Garofalo going for a dropkick…got it! GAROFALO CLIMBING THE CAGE AGAIN! SHE MAY MAKE IT! SHE’S HALFWAY UP!” Coulter finally gets up and shakes the cage. Garofalo comes back down backfirst, hits the top rope, and does a 360 flip into the ring landing hard on the canvas. Crowd: “HOLY S###! HOLY S###!” Suave: “That wasn’t one of her better landings, for sure.” Knee drop by Coulter. Falling headbutt. She turns Garofalo over and rubs her face in the mat. Garofalo back kick low bridges Coulter. Suave: “Coulter bent over from the low blow. Follow up neckbreaker by Garofalo. Garofalo drops the leg on the throat of Coulter…and pulls her back up by her hair… a snap mare takeover. Elbowdrop. Janeane Garofalo in completel control right now. Leg drop to the ‘Queen of Political Extreme.’ Neck breaker. Cover. One…two…NO! Coulter gets her shoulder up!”
Garofalo presses the attack. She backs Coulter into a corner. Mounted punches follow. Suave: “Coulter is taking a lot of punishment here. Garofalo sends her for the ride across the ring into the other corner. Garofalo going for the splash…AND MISSED! She staggers back…REVERSE NECKBREAKER BY COULTER! BACK AND FORTH ACTION HERE IN THE EXTREME GRUDGE DEATHMATCH! Now it’s Garofalo sent for the ride…CLOTHESLINE BY COULTER! COVER! ONE…TWO…NO! KICKOUT BY GAROFALO! FACE RAKE BY GAROFALO!” Coulter staggers backwards. Her hands try to clear her vision. Suave: “MISSILE DROPKICK BY GAROFALO SENDS THE QUEEN OF POLITICAL EXTREME INTO THE SIDE OF THE CAGE!” Garofalo grabs the back of Coulter’s head and rams it repeatedly into the cage. Suave: “SMALL PACKAGE BY GAROFALO! ONE…TWO…NO! COULTER KICKS OUT. ANOTHER COVER BY GAROFALO. ONE…TWO…AGAIN, COULTER KICKS OUT. ANOTHER COVER. ONE…TWO…NO! COULTER GETS HER SHOULDER UP JUST IN TIME!.”
Garofalo reaches into her trunks. Suave: “What is she doing?” She blows powder into Coulter’s eyes. Suave: “GAROFALO BLINDS COULTER! AIRPLANE SPIN! AIRPLANE SPIN BY GAROFALO! COULTER DUMPED. COVER. ONE…TWO…THREE!
The referee opens the cage door and helps Charlene Ann inside. Charlene Ann: “The winner of this match, Janeane Garofalo!”
Garofalo flips off Coulter and begins to leave. Just as she reaches the cage door, it slams shut on her and nails her in the face. Suave: “Holy crap! IT’S THE PCW WOMEN’S CHAMPION ‘EXTREME PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL TESSA MARTIN!” Garofalo lies stunned on the ring canvas. Crowd: “PLEASE DON’T GO…PLEASE DON’T GO!” Tessa: “Thanks. I thought as being this is officially my final night in PCW…” Crowd: “PLEASE DON’T GO…PLEASE DON’T GO!” Tessa: “Tonight, I’m taking care of all unfinished business before I leave.” Tessa picks up Garofalo. Suave: “PIZZA CUTTER! PIZZA CUTTER FOR GAROFALO!” Tessa eyes the fallen Ann Coulter. Suave: “What she going to do now? She walks over to Coulter…and throws her out of the ring.” Coulter goes flying out of the open cage door to the ring floor.
Suave: “JANEANE GAROFALO GETS THE BIG WIN FOR THE PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE HERE. AND PCW WOMEN’S CHAMPION ‘EXTREME PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL’ TESSA MARTIN CLOSES THE BOOK ON TWO OF HER RECENT ADVERSARIES.
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Suave: “We’re almost ready for the PCW Tag Team title match between Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit and Cadillac and Jaguar. Last month, Domination Inc. CEO ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann exercised a clause in Big Oil and Walstreit’s employment that gave him the power to drop their titles for them. McMann wanted the belts to go to Cadillac and Jaguar. PCW CEO Barack Obama ruled that while McMann had the contractual right to make Big Oil and Walstreit drop the belts, he did not have the authority to assign the belts to someone else. Thus an eight team tournament followed.”
REPLAY: 5/6 PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV: McMann hands Big Oil and Walstreit at plaque and demands the Tag Team belts in return.
McMann reads the plaque. McMann: “Congratulations to a couple of team players. You’ve been worthy tag team champions……But now that you’ve had a good 6 month run as champion, it’s time to turn over the belts To Cadillac and Jaguar?” Suave: “WHAT! Big Oil and Walstreit are totally stunned.”
REPLAY: 5/17 PCW ON P-SPAN-‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann strips Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit of the Tag Team Titles
McMann: “Gentlemen, I direct you to Domination Inc’s Corporate Counsel- Felcher and Felcher. B Felcher reads from what appears to be a contract. B Felcher: “Clause 17-B in your employment agreement. An Executive of Domination Inc. has the right to relinquish from Domination Inc. employee any title as he or she sees fit.” McMann: “Or in other words, I have the right to make you drop the titles. Therefore, as a duly appointed executive, I declare that Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit have forfeited their titles and that the new PCW Tag Team champions are Cadillac and Jaguar.”
Announcer: “So, Mr. McMann decreed that per his contract, he could make Cadillac and Jaguar the new PCW Tag Team champions. Then the PCW CEO Barack Obama came out to address the situation.”
McMann: “There’s nothing you can do about it, Obama. I’ve got this covered lock, stock, and barrel.” Holder takes a copy of the contract and starts to read through the document. Obama: “All right. Given the extraordinary nature of what’s going on here. I’m going to ask Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit to leave their belts with Eric Holder. We will review this and I will come back out later tonight to make my ruling.”
Announcer: “The PCW CEO came back out later to make his decision.”
Obama: “Gentlemen. Mr. Holder has reviewed the contracts in question and this is what we’ve decided. It is agreed that Mr. McMann has the right contractually to make Big Oil and Walstreit forfeit the PCW Tag Team belts.” Cadillac and Jaguar’s eyes light up. Big Oil and Walstreit wave away the decision and walk to the back. Obama: “However, Mr. McMann’s contract does not supersede PCW by-laws. Therefore, I declare the title vacant and subject to an eight tag team tournament that will begin next Sunday night right here on P-SPAN.”
Announcer: “The tournament began with eight. Last Sunday, it was down to four…”
REPLAY: Semi-Final #1 of the PCW Tag Team Tournament between BIG OIL and KIRK WALSTREIT (Dick Cheney’s Extreme Neo-Con Alliance) and HUNTER the HUNTER and GRIZZLY ADAM w/’The Alaskan Pitbull’ Sarah Palin (SarahPAC)
...Hunter whips Big Oil to the corner of the ring. Grizzly Adam German suplexes Big Oil. Big Oil bounces Grizzly Adam off the ropes and clotheslines him. Kirk Walstreit in. Walstreit nails Grizzly Adam with a double underhook suplex. Grizzly Adam comes back and scoops Walstreit up and powerslams him through a table! He goes for the cover. Keels counts. …1 …2 Walstreit kicks out…
…Hunter gets to the corner and tags Grizzly Adam in. Grizzly Adam promptly gets hit with a dragon screw from Walstreit. Grizzly Adam Hunter the Hunter back in. Hunter punches Walstreit. Hunter pins Walstreit against the ropes and chokes him with his forearm. Forearm to the head. Quad R Randy ‘Road Rage’ Richardson again hits the ring. Suplex to Hunter. Quad R to the top rope…Senton Bomb!
Walstreit knees Hunter. Then an elbowdrop. Walstreit hooks Hunter’s face and drives him into a chair. Hunter’s face is busted open! Walstreit covers…1 …2 …3
REPLAY: Semi-Final #2 of the PCW Tag Team Tournament between ‘No Frills’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO and STARZ N. STRIPES w/Rahm Emanuel (Progressive Alliance) and CADILLAC and JAGUAR (Domination Inc.)
Cadillac places ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido on the turnbuckle and executes a front-layout suplerplex. Follow up clothesline to Escondido. Cadillac quickly tags in Jaguar and then double underhooks Escondido and tiger drives him. Jaguar chimes in with punches, allowing Cadillac to hit a belly-to-back suplex on Escondido. Starz N. Stripes throws a chair at Cadillac. Starz spins around and kicks the chair in his face. ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido gets up. Jaguar hits Escondido with a double arm DDT. Escondido gets to the corner and tags Starz N. Stripes in…
…Jaguar jumps onto Escondido’s shoulders, twists, and DDT’s him onto the floor. Connor Justice and D.B. Ruff run around to interfere. Justice with a chokehold on Escondido. D.B. Ruff chokes Starz with his boot. Ruff goes for the taser but Rahm Emanuel runs over and chokes him with a microphone cable. F-Bomb to Ruff. Emanuel grabs a chair…he smashes Justice over the head with it! F-Bomb to Justice. Emanuel clotheslines Jaguar. F-Bomb to Jaguar. Quad R in again. He chokes Escondido with a microphone cable. Emanuel over, Quad R hooks in a double underhook and tiger drives him on the floor. Quad R sets up a table and drapes Escondido on a table. Quad R leg drops Escondido through the table. Quad R throws Escondido back into the ring. Jaguar nails a corkscrew legdrop on Escondido. A spinning leg lariat follows. Escondido in trouble. Jaguar thrust kicks him in the head. Jaguar covers and hooks the leg. Keels counts the pin. …1 …2 …3
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Charlene Ann Beckworth back in the ring. Charlene Ann: “This next match is for the PCW Tag Team Title. In this corner, representing Dick Cheney’s Extreme Neo-Con Alliance, former PCW Tag Team champions- Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit- Wall Street Analyst with the man crush on ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit!” The crowd applauds. Walstreit holds up his portrait of ESPN College Football Analyst Kirk Herbstreit for everyone to see.
Charlene Ann: “Their opponents wrestle for Domination Inc. They are the team of Cadillac and Jaguar.” Cadillac and Jaguar climb into the ring.
MATCH #4 PCW Tag Team Title Match
BIG OIL and KIRK WALSTREIT- Wall Street Analyst with a man crush on ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit (Dick Cheney’s Extreme Neo-Con Alliance) vs.
CADILLAC and JAGUAR w/Domination Inc.-CEO ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann, CFO Gordon Guykko, Rough Justice: D.B. Ruff and Connor Justice, and Extreme Enforcer Whiskey Tango Foxtrot (Domination Inc.)
The bell rings. Jaguar attacks and gets nailed with a charging axhandle bodyblock from Kirk Walstreit. Suave: “It’s going to be Jaguar and Walstreit to start. Walstreit connects with a knee. Jaguar responds with a kick to the gut. He backs up…and scissor kicks him to the mat. Jaguar picks up Walstreit and heaves him to the outside near the rest of Domination Inc- not a place he wants to be tonight.” Jaguar goes up to the second turnbuckle and leaps, nailing a second turnbuckle elbow drop. Suave: “Jaguar aggressive here to start. WHOA! ROPEFLIP HIPTOSS ON WALSTREIT! Jaguar back to the ring.”
D.B. Ruff of Rough Justice- two police officers fired for their extreme method of law enforcement, kicks Walstreit in the head. Walstreit moves back to his feet and climbs back in. Suave: “Jaguar tags Cadillac in. He immediately connects with a flying knee on Walstreit. Cadillac covers…one…Walstreit powers out of there. Cadillac follows up with punches to the head. He tags Jaguar back in.” Walstreit nails Jaguar with a double underhook suplex.” Walstreit with a leg drop. Jaguar pulls himself up. Walstreit dropkicks Jaguar. Kirk Walstreit is up again. Jaguar climbs to his feet. Cadillac and Jaguar doubleteam Walstreit to get the advantage. Suave: “Domination Inc. double team keeping Big Oil at bay. JAGUAR! WHOA! HE JUST NAILED AN INCREDIBLE CORKSCREW DDT! COVER. ONE…TW- NO! WALSTREIT KICKS OUT. CADILLAC IN THE RING. JAGUAR PULLS WALSREIT UP. CADILLAC GOES TO THE MAT. SPINNING HEEL KICK BY JAGUAR. TOTAL OBLITERATION! AND YES, IT’S THE SAME MOVE SATURN AND KRONUS MADE FAMOUS IN ECW- EXCEPT ADD TAJIRI’S KICKS TO THE MIX. WOW! COVER. ONE…TWO…BIG OIL IN THE RING. HERE WE GO! CHOKE SLAM TO JAGUAR! CHOKE SLAM TO CADILLAC. ROUGH JUSTICE IN THE RING NOW. CHOKE SLAM TO RUFF. JUSTICE TRIES TO TASER BIG OIL. CHOKE SLAM TO JUSTICE! ANOTHER COVER BY JAGUAR. ONE…TWO…WALSTREIT KICKED OUT! HOLY CRAP!”
Jaguar swiftly on the top rope. Leaps and lands double knees to Walstreit’s chest. Suave: “The action fast and furious now. Jaguar back to the top rope…whoa…he almost slipped off. Jaguar ready to jump…BIG OIL GOT HIM! CADILLAC UP! LOW BLOW! WOW!” Big Oil topples over with his hands covering his privates. Suave: “There goes Jaguar! FLYING HEADBUTT TO THE JEWELS! HOLY CRAP!” Big Oil contorts in pain. Walstreit back up. He pushes Cadillac into Jaguar. Jaguar goes flying out of the ring. Walstreit lifts Cadillac. Suave: “Wheelbarrow suplex! Cover…Cadillac isn’t the legal man in the ring. Walstreit going up top! Flying elbow to Jaguar. Jaguar holds his chest. Big Oil back up. HE’S GOT CADILLAC BY THE THROAT! CHOKE SLAM! CHOKE SLAM!”
Connor Justice and D.B. Ruff hit the ring. Suave: “Here we go! Justice has a triangle chokehold on Big Oil. D.B. Ruff whips Walstreit into the corner. HOLY CRAP! Ruff kicked Walstreit in the groin. HERE COMES QUAD R!” Quad R aka…Randy ‘Road Rage’ Richardson slides into the ring with a steel chair and low blows Justice. *CLANG* Suave: “Quad R hits Justice with the chair! *CLANG* Down goes Ruff!” *CLANG* Quad R clocks Jaguar with the chair. THE CORPORATE ENFORCER WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT IS IN THE RING!” Quad R instinctly goes after WTF. WTF grabs the chair with his hands. *CLANG* Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” WTF lifts Quad R up. *WHAM* Suave: “POWER BOMB! WAIT A MINUTE! WALSTREIT’S GOT JAGUAR IN THE COBRA CLUTCH!” The referee asks Jaguar if he gives up. McMann yells ‘hell, no’ from the outside. Suave: “Walstreit lets go and pulls Jaguar back up. He maneuvers him near a chair. DDT! Jaguar is busted open! Walstreit lifts Jaguar…STOCK MARKET PLUNGE! COVER ONE! TWO! THREE! WE HAVE NEW TWO TIME PCW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!”
Charlene Ann: “The winner of the match and the NEW PCW Tag Team Champions- Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit!”
Suave: “BIG OIL AND KIRK WALSTREIT REGAIN THE TAG TEAM TITLES! AND THINGS AIN’T LOOKING GOOD FOR DOMINATION INC.” ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann stomps away. CFO Gordon Guyko follows shaking his head. The rest silently trudge to the back.
SLAND OF MISFIT WRESTLERS LOCKER ROOM
Another week; another locker room full of somber and depressed Island of Misfit Wrestlers (Mr. Jaundice, Captain Nausea, The Mysterious Dr. Mysterious, Michael Hunt and Richard Headd of Guys with Unfortunate Names, Dick Van Dam, Jimmy from So Cal, and Dread Pirate Douggie). Movie Classic walks in holding a DVD. Movie Classic: “My goodness. This is PCW’s flagship event! Loose Cannons Unleashed 5. This is an exciting event. Why…why the down faces?” Richard Headd: “Because, none of us are on the show.” Dread Pirate Douggie: “Talent enhancement never makes the big show.” Movie Classic: “So none of you made the big show. So what? I think we’ve made our mark the last couple weeks?”
REPLAY: 5/27 PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV- A stunning upset takes place
BMW leans in…CLAW! THE CLAWHOLD! BARON VON MUNCHKE’S GOT THE CLAW INNNNNN.” BMW swats the hand away and drills Von Munchke with the powerbomb. Suave: “That’ll take the steam right out of you! BMW stalking Baron Von Munchke now…WAIT A MINUTE! THAT’S…THAT’S THE PCW TELEVISION CHAMPION SNAFU! HE’S ON THE TOP ROPE!” SNAFU jumps and crashes the TV Title belt on the top of BMW’s head. BMW collapses in a heap. The crowd stands up. McMann’s eyes bulge out. Suave: “WAIT! HE’S…HE’S OUT!” Baron Von Munchke returns to a sitting position. Suave: “HE’S BEEN KNOCKED OUT!” Movie Classic can’t believe it either. Movie Classic: “DON’T JUST STAND THERE! PIN HIM! PIN HIM!” The Baron’s unsure what to do. He puts the Clawhold back on BMW. Movie Classic: “NO, DON’T CLAW HIM YOU MORON! PIN HIM!” Movie Classic gestures wildly at Von Munchke. The Baron finally covers. Crowd: “One. Two. Three.”Suave: “HOLY CRAP! HOLY FREAKIN’ CRAP! HE’S DONE IT! BARON VON MUNCHKE HAS DEFEATED BIG MONSTER WAHLIE! IT’S TOTAL PANDEMONIUM HERE.” SNAFU checks on the condition of BMW in the ring. Watching from outside the ring, Mr. McMann’s jaw is gaping open. Suave: “THE CROWD CAN’T BELIEVE IT. MR. McMANN CAN’T BELIEVE IT! HELL, I CAN’T BELIEVE IT. THIS IS ONE OF THE BIGGEST UPSETS IN PCW HISTORY!
Movie Classic: “See?” The Mysterious Dr. Mysterious: “I just feel like dying.” Movie Classic: “Oh. That’s just your anxieties talking. Besides, what shall we die for?” Dr. Mysterious: “Huh?” Movie Classic: “You heard me, what shall we die for? You all will listen to me! (shouts) LISTEN! The Brethren will still be looking here, to us, to the Black Pearl, to lead…” Richard Headd: “The Brethren?” Michael Hunt: “Black Pearl?” Movie Classic: “…and what will they see? Frightened bilge rats aboard a derelict ship? No. No, they will see free men and freedom!…” Dread Pirate Douggie: “What ship?” Movie Classic: “…And what the enemy will see is the flash of our cannons. They will hear the ring of our swords, and they will know what we can do…” Dread Pirate Douggie: “Cannon? Cool. Who brought the cannon?” Movie Classic: “…By the sweat of our brows and the strength of our backs, and the courage of our hearts. Gentlemen. Hoist the colors!” Everyone looks at each other. Headd: “Um…sir? We don’t have any colors.” Movie Classic: “Oh……well…we should get some.” Hunt: “Say, uh. What movie do you have?” Movie Classic: “Huh?” Hunt: “What movie do you have in your hands?” Movie Classic looks at the title. Then he holds up the DVD for everyone to see. It’s Pirates of the Caribbean- At World’s End. Dread Pirate Douggie: “Ah. Good one sir.”
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Suave: “We’re back. If the Angry Left Wing Bloggers are at war with the American Patriots, really at war with the Right Wing Brigadiers, how do they feel about W’s Image Rehab and Truth Squad?”
REPLAY: 4/7 PCW NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS: W’s Image Rehab and Truth Squad’s first attack
…“Dana Perino, Ari Fleisher, and Andrew Card stand over an unconscious Robert Gibbs- Obama’s spokesman. Fleisher has a lead pipe in his hand. ‘The Mastermind’ Karl Rove makes his return to Political Championship Wrestling and points to his temple to make sure everyone knows he’s a freakin’ genius. Rove produces a can of spray paint and puts a “W” on Gibbs’s back. Perino then tells the camera that this is only the first. She says the W. Image Rehabilitation Team will do whatever it takes to restore the good name of George W.“
REPLAY: 4/22 PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV: another attack
In the back, Dick Cheney hovers over the prone bodies of the four Angry Left Wing Bloggers with a barbed wire covered baseball bat. Fleischer, Perino, and Card stand behind him. Dick: “Sometimes, harsh techniques produces results. Sometimes, you have to take it to the extreme.”
REPLAY: 4/29 PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV: Cheney speaks out
Dick Cheney and the rest of W’s Image Rehab and Truth Squad- “The Mastermind” Karl Rove, Dana Perino, Ari Fleischer, and Andrew Card, appear and they head to the ring. Twenty-five percent of the audience cheers. The rest boo. They climb into the ring. Rove keeps pointing to his temple to make sure everyone knows he’s a friggin’ genius. Cheney: “Oh boo-f***-ing hoo. Where is he?” Pelosi: “Where is who?” Cheney: “Where is that two-timing ***** ******* traitor Arlen Specter? If you see him, tell him I’ve got a ticket for him.” Pelosi: “A ticket?” Cheney: “That’s right. A ticket. A one way ticket to what I like to call- Club Gitmo.” The lights shine on the side of PCW Hall and illuminate a pool of water and a board on the side to lower someone in. More boos roll in. Cheney: “Just like Janeane Garofalo found out last week. Just like ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin found out last week. Just like Arlen Specter is going to find out THIS week.” Cheney pauses for more boos. Cheney: “If you’re not with us, you’re against us. Arlen Specter…where ever you’re hiding…if you can’t stand the heat…we’ll, don’t worry…I’VE got something that’ll cool you right off.” Cheney points to the waterboarding device inside ‘Club Gitmo.’
REPLAY: 5/27 PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV: Pulp Fiction Promo segment
Starz N. Stripes (Progressive Alliance). Starz: “Domination Inc. Sunday night, ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido and I are going to-” ‘The Mastermind’ Karl Rove, Dana Perino, Ari Fleischer, and Andrew Card…aka W’s Image Rehab and Truth Squad, jump Starz and beat him down… …Starz Beatdown. Rove spray paints the letter ‘W’ on Starz’s back. Dick Cheney approves.
Later on that night…
Suave: “The Angry Left Wing Bloggers (Daily Kos, Jane Hamsher, Media Matters For America, and Eric Alterman are in the ring.” Daily Kos: “After W’s Image Rehab and Truth Squad’s attack tonight, The Angry Left Wing Bloggers have decided that we’d rather wrestle them instead of the Right Wing Brigadiers. So, PCW schmucks? Make it happen.”
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Suave: “This is going to be a war.”
MATCH #5
ANGRY LEFT WING BLOGGERS: DAILY KOS, MEDIA MATTERS FOR AMERICA, JANE HAMSHER, AND ARIANNA HUFFINGTON (Progressive Alliance) vs.
W’S IMAGE REHAB AND TRUTH SQUAD: DANA PERINO, ANDREW CARD, ARI FLEISCHER, AND ‘The Mastermind’ KARL ROVE (Dick Cheney’s Extreme Neo-Con Alliance) Daily Kos grabs a chair. Fleischer takes a chair from someone in the crowd to even the odds. Suave: “Forget the bell. Not needed.” Kos and Fleischer swing the chairs. *CLANK* They meet harmlessly in the middle. Kos ducks outside. Card blasts him with uppercuts. Kos tries to fight back. Perino sneaks in and gets a low blow to the groinshot on Kos. Huffington and Hamsher immediately come careening around the corner. Suave: “I’m just going to sit back and watch the mayhem.” Perino double clotheslines Hamsher and Huffington. Media Matters pulls Card off Daily Kos and eats more uppercuts. Kos tries to climb back into the ring but Card and Fleischer drag him right back out. More uppercuts by Card. Media Matters gets loose and slams Card face first onto the floor.
Kos and Fleischer get back in the ring. Kos clotheslines Fleischer over the top rope back to the floor. Kos whips himself off the ropes and propels himself onto Fleischer on the floor! Kos works him over. Kos flings Fleischer into the steel guardrail. Kos for a splash…Fleischer gets out of the way. *CLANG* Media Matters chairshot sends Fleischer to the floor. ‘The Mastermind’ Karl Rove takes advantage of the confusion. He leaps off the top rope and blasts Media Matters into the steel guardrail. Kos hooks Rove. Suplex on the floor! Huffington and Hamsher double team Perino. Arianna blasts Perino with closed fists. The referee tries to stop her. Huffington pushes the referee out of the way. Hamsher quickly up the turnbuckle. Skies off the top pad of the turnbuckle and splashes Perino. Huffington rams Perino’s face into the corner. Kos and Fleischer continue to brawl outside the ring. Media Matters chokes Card on the ropes. Kos tosses Fleischer into the steel guardrails. Kos grabs a mic cable off the ringside table and chokes Fleischer with it.
Kos drags Fleischer back to the ring. Suplex. Cover. One…two…Fleischer kicks out. Kos slaps on a bear hug and tries to squeeze the air out of Fleischer. Kos hits the big clothesline. Cover. One…two…no! Again, Fleischer kicks out. Huffington and Hamsher continue to abuse Perino. Card battles Media Matters on the outside. Rove is ko’d. Kos hits an elbow drop on Fleischer. Cover. One…two…th- no! Suave: “THAT WAS 2.888. Very close.” Kos drags Fleischer to the corner and calls for a chair. Arianna tosses one in. Kos places it in front of Fleischer. Two steps back. Dropkick to the chair. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! Kos nailed that one. Fleischer topples over. Kos covers. One…two…HEAD’S UP- IT’S THE RIGHT WING BRIGADIERS!” Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, Laura Ingraham, Michelle Malkin hit the ring. Suave: “Here we go!” Beck and Hannity take on Kos. Ingraham chases after Arianna. Malkin and Hamsher roll around the outside of the ring. Suave: “CAT-FIIIIIIIIGHT! CAT-FIIIIIIIGHT!……you know, I never get tired of saying that.”
*Opening bars of Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Don’t Stop’ play*
Suave: “HOLY CRAP! IS HE HERE! COULD IT BE?” A spotlight searches the bar. The crowd explodes when a plaid shirted man with a steel-folding chair and a mocha appears. Suave: “HE’S HERE! HE’S BACK! IT’S THE TREE HUGGIN’, MOCHA CHUGGIN’, TOBACCO COMPANY BUGGIN’, INSANE EXTREME CHAIR SWINGING ALPHA MALE! THE ENVIROMENTAL EXTREME HARDCORE ICON- AL GORE!” A huge roar fills the bar and a white haired man joins him. Suave: “AND BILL CLINTON IS HERE WITH HIM! HOLY CRAP!” the crowd sings: “Don’t stop, thinking about tomorrow.” Gore holds up his mocha, inside an environmentally friendly biodegradable container of course, and chugs it down. Then he spews it out of his mouth into the crowd and then crushes the paper container on his forehead in a manly fashion. Suave: “HE’S BACK IN PCW!” The Environmental Extreme Hardcore Icon and Clinton slowly make their way through the crowd. Clinton starts to run to the ring but Gore stops. He pulls out another container of mocha, guzzles it down, spews it into the crowd, and then smashes the container on his forehead while Clinton waits. Again, Gore on the move. They reach the floor around the ring. Clinton breaks for the ring. Gore pulls out yet another container of mocha. He guzzles it down and spews it into the crowd before crushing the container on his forehead. Again, Clinton has to wait.
Suave: “HEY WAIT A MINUTE! IT’S RAHM-BO! RAHM EMANUEL! F-BOMB TO HANNITY! F-BOMB TO BECK. F-BOMB TO CARD! EMANUEL IS DROPPING F-BOMBS ALL OVER THE PLACE!” Kos drags Fleischer to the middle of the ring. Cover. One. Two. Three. Suave: “THAT’S IT!” Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Don’t Stop’ begins to play again. Suave: “Al Gore was the distraction. Rahm Emanuel was the hammer. Dropping F-Bombs left and right on both W’s Image Rehab and Truth Squad and the Right Wing Brigadiers, Emanuel freed up Daily Kos to score the pin.”
WINNER: ANGRY LEFT WING BLOGGERS
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Gina Ramsey comes out. Gina: “Hey y’all. It’s Gina Ramsey with tonight’s PCW Newsline!” She gets a standing ovation from the crowd. Gina: “Let’s see what’s been going on in PCW.”
PCW NEWSLINE
HIGH OCTANE WRESTLING ‘WAR GAMES’ TOMORROW
Tomorrow, HOW will present War Games from Normandy, France. Here’s the card:
- Chris Kostoff v David Black v Bob Jared v Shocker v Scottywood©
- LSD Title
- Michael DeNucci v King Trip Eisen v Trent
- Marvelous Mario Maurako v Crow
- Bobbinette “Queen B” Carey v Perfect Paul Paras v Max Kael v Graystone v Christopher America v Shane Reynolds© v Aceldama© v Mark “The Explosive” O’Neal
- World Title
HOW is part of High Octane Television- an organization PCW will be joining HOTv later this month.
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UPCOMING EVENTS @ http://www.politicalwrestling.wordpress.com :
6/10- PCW Extreme Political TV
6/12- PCW Newsline 6
6/14- PCW on P-SPAN- final Sunday night show until September
6/17- PCW End of the Season Extravaganza
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Tentative 2009-2010 PCW Schedule of Events Released:
7/29-PCW Night of Champions
9/27-PCW Lock and Load 4
11/9-PCW Night of Champions
12/27-PCW Christmas
1/27-PCW Night of Champions
3/7-PCW Weapons of Mass Political Destruction 3
4/21-PCW Night of Champions
6/6-PCW Loose Cannons Unleashed 6
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Suave: “Kathryn Randall Collins already in the ring. We are ready for the PCW Women’s Title match. Let’s go to the ring.
Charlene Ann: “This match will be for the PCW Women’s Title. Intoducing first, weighing in at 175 pounds from Chappaqua, New York. She is a member of Progressive Alliance accompanied by Hillary Clinton. She is also a two-time PCW Women’s Champion- Kathryn Randall Collins!”
KRC gets a very well deserved ovation.
Charlene Ann: “Next, weighing in at 204 pounds from Barrow, Alaska. She is a member of SarahPAC and accompanied by Sarah Palin tonight. She is the Eskimo Queen- Kalee Jones!”
Another robust ovation from the crowd.
Charlene Ann: “Weighing in at 125 pounds. She hails from Stuttgart, Germany and is a member of Domination Inc. Accompanied by Porsche Lexus and the rest of Domination Inc.- here is Mercedes!” Crowd: “BOOOOOOOOO!” Domination Inc. CEO ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann carries a nearly resigned expression on his face. The rest of the corporation exude little energy or confidence.
Charlene Ann: “And finally…” The crowd interrupts her with an ovation. Charlene Ann wipes a tear away. Charlene Ann: “…weighing in at 145 pounds from Bowling Green, Ohio. She is a member of American Heartland Coalition and accompanied by Tequila Sheila. She is the PCW Women’s Champion. She is the’ Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl, in her final match here in PCW- Tessa Martin!” A thunderous ovation follows.
Crowd: “PLEASE DON’T GO!…PLEASE DON’T GO! PLEASE DON’T GO!” Suave: “AN INCREDIBLE OVATION FOR THE PCW WOMEN’S CHAMPION!” Quick shot to the ring shows KRC and Kalee Jones also clapping. Suave: “THIS IS IT! TONIGHT IS TESSA’S FINAL MATCH IN PCW! HER LONG THREE YEAR JOURNEY ENDS TONIGHT! SHE’S DONE WITH GRADUATE SCHOOL AND MOVING ON WITH HER LIFE. BUT TONIGHT, IT’S ONE LAST DANCE AT HACK’S RUSTY NAIL SALOON. THEY’RE ABOUT READY FOR THE BELL.”
Woman’s Voice: “WAIT A MINUTE. WAIIIIIIT A MINUTE!” The crowd boos. Suave: “Oh, great. It’s the President of the PCW Competition Committee Nancy Pelosi. Pelosi climbs into the ring. Pelosi: “WAIT A MINUTE. WAIIIIIT A MINUTE! Before this match starts, I’m announcing a change in the referee for this match.” Davey Keels leaves. Paul Martin Adams enters. Suave: “WAIT! THAT’S PMA! HE’S GIPPED KALEE JONES OUT OF TWO WINS ALREADY.” Pelosi: “There. Much better.” Pelosi climbs out. PMA calls for the bell.
Bell rings. Suave: “Kalee Jones goes right after Kathryn Randall Collins. Gorilla Press Slam on the floor. Mercedes locks up with the PCW Women’s champion. Guillotine choke on Tessa Martin and the champ is driven to the canvas. Mercedes goes up top. Shooting star press! Cover.” One.Two.Tessa kicks out. Suave: “HEY! QUICK COUNT! THAT WAS A QUICK COUNT! COME ON REF!” Tequila Sheila throws a chair to Mercedes…Tessa kicks the chair into Mercedes’s face! Suave: “THERE WE GO.” Tessa pulls Mercedes up…drop toe hold onto the chair. Tessa hits a fist drop. Mercedes gets up. Tessa does a cartwheel and kicks Mercedes in the face. Mercedes staggers up. Tessa over. Suave: “PIZZA CUTTER! PIZZA CUTTER! COVER! ONE…TWO…THREE! OKAY. THAT WAS A NORMAL COUNT.”
MERCEDES ELIMINATED
Suave: “This is stunning. Not a peep from Domination Inc.” Domination Inc. again files to the back without incident. Kathryn Randall Collins headbutts Jones. Suave: “KRC tries to lariat Jones. No go on that move. KRC then tries for a German suplex. No go on that. Kalee clotheslines KRC. Now she gets thrown into the turnbuckle. The Eskimo Queen stalks her. Oooh. She rams KRC’s head into the turnbuckle. Now KRC tries pulling the hair. *SMACK* HOLY CRAP! KALEE JONES JUST BACK FISTED KRC ACROSS THE RING!” Tessa hits a hurricana on KRC. Suave: “COVER. ONE…………TWO…KRC KICKS OUT. THIS IS DISGRACEFUL! SLOW COUNT!” Tessa gives the referee an earful. KRC slides in behind her and hits a snap mare on Tessa. Kalee Jones blasts KRC from behind and takes her to the floor.
Suave: “NOW, IT’S BECOMING A SLUGFEST! BACK AND FORTH THEY GO EXCHANGING VICIOUS CHOPS!” The Clinton Political Pitbulls- James Carville and Paul Begala run in. Suave: “CARVILLE CLIPS KALEE JONES KNEE!” Begala does the same. KRC whips Kalee into the ring apron and climbs back into the ring. KRC covers.” 1-2-3. Suave: “Aw, no way!”
KALEE JONES IS ELIMINATED
Suave: “KALEE JONES IS PISSED AND SHE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO BE! THAT WAS TERRIBLE!” Referee P.M.A. tries to get her to leave the ring. Sarah Palin is shouting at the ref. Suave: “THAT SUCKS. BUT IT’S DOWN TO KRC VERSUS TESSA FOR THE WOMEN’S TITLE.” Kalee reluctantly exits the ring but does not leave the ring area.
Suave: “Single leg takedown by Tessa. KRC responds with elbows. She’s up. Fist drop to Tessa on the floor. KRC follows with a knee drop. The Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl gets back up. KRC with a jab. Poke to the eye with a thumb. KRC thrust kicks to the head. The champ is down. Cover. 1-2- NO! ANOTHER QUICK COUNT! BUT TESSA GETS THE SHOULDER UP!” Crowd: “BOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Suave: “THE CROWD DOESN’T LIKE IT. AND I SURE AS HELL DON’T LIKE IT. THIS IS CRAP!” KRC whips Tessa to the ropes. Suave: “POLITICS OF PERSONAL DESTRUCTION! KRC HAS IT LOCKED IN!” Both women fall near the ropes. Tessa puts her hand on the rope. Referee P.M.A. comes over and removes it. Tessa puts it back on the rope. Again, P.M.A. brushes it off. Suave: “WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING? BREAK THE FREAKIN’ HOLD!” It happens a third time. Kalee comes over and pulls P.M.A. out of the ring. Suave: “THAT WAS THE BREAKING POINT. KALEE JONES HAS P.M.A. UP!” She slams him face first through the ring table. Suave: “ESKIMO PIEFACE! ESKIMO PIEFACE!”
Nancy Pelosi comes out. She can’t believe it. ‘The Old War Horse’ John Murtha runs out and gets in Kalee’s face. Murtha pushes Kalee. The Eskimo Queen kicks Murtha in the balls. Suave: “YES! YES! SHE’S GOT MURTHA UP!” She slams him face first onto the floor. Suave: “ESKIMO PIEFACE! ESKIMO PIEFACE!”
KRC and Tessa circle. They lock up. Suave: “Tessa sent for the ride. Scoop slam by KRC. KRC up top. Hits the splash from the top turnbuckle! Sharpshooter! But Tessa reverses. Package Piledriver! HOLY CRAP! Yakuza Kick by Tessa. Whip into the ropes. KRC ducks the Pizza Cutter. FULL NELSON SLAM! POLITICS OF PERSONAL DESTRUCTION! SHE’S GOT IT THIS TIME I THINK…TESSA’S FIGHTING…FIGHTING…SHE TAPS! KATHRYN RANDALL COLLINS HAS BECOME A THREE TIME PCW WOMEN’S CHAMPION!”
Charlene Ann: “The winner of this match, and new PCW Women’s Title champion, Kathryn Randall Collins!” KRC and Tessa embrace in the ring to a standing ovation. Crowd: “THANK YOU TESSA (clap, clap clap-clap-clap) THANK YOU TESSA! clap, clap clap-clap-clap) Tessa mouths ‘I love you’ to the crowd and waves. Suave: “KRC is the NEW PCW Women’s champion and Tessa Martin…thanks for everything.” KRC takes the title and exits the ring leaving Tessa to take in the ovation.
E-FEDERATION NEWS FROM THE E-WRESTLING WORLD- highlights, news, and the best from other E-Wrestling Federations.
SWF Folds
Not a week after signing on with High Octane TV, the Superstar Wrestling Federation suddenly shut down all operations last weekend.
No explanation has been given so far but the Titan Zone has reported that a possible merger with the Future Wrestling League could be in the works.The bigger question is what does HOTv do now. If the SWF merges with the FWL, will that organization take SWF’s spot? We probably won’t find out until after High Octane Wrestling’s War Games pay per view show takes place on June 8th.
LEGACY OF CHAMPIONS RETURNS
LoC returned with a big prime time show May 31st. Violence 31 featured Shawn Hart defeating Kenshiro Inogami for the Legacy Championship.
SIMCOE COUNTY CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING RETURNS
The SCCW also returned with Aggression on Monday night headlined by a wild tag team main event between S&M and Hellcat Kirsta Lewis and Rayne Young. S&M scored the win when Scarlett hit Young with a reverse DDT and Patrick McCarthy followed with a Leap of Faith for the victory.
GWO’s FIRST SHOW
The first edition of Genocidal Wrestling Organization’s “GWO Punishment!” hit the airwaves May 31st with the crowning of the first GWO Global Champion ‘Totally Bored’ Hyan Borg who pins Tommy Glass to win the title.
POLITICAL CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING
On PCW On P-SPAN: Big Oil/Kirk Walstreit and Cadillac/Jaguar advanced on to the PCW Tag Team Title Match at PCW’s upcoming PPV Loose Cannons Unleashed 5.
PCW Extreme Political TV: ‘Texas Cowgirl’ Haley Dallas and the Queen of Political Extreme Ann Coulter defeats Code Pink and Janeane Garofalo in a knock down drag out preview of Garofalo’s upcoming showdown with Coulter.
FANS WRESTLING ORGANIZATION
In a hardcore classic on FWO reAction, High Flyer defeated Krow to become the new FWO World Champion.
DREAM WRESTLING FEDERATION
Miss USA retains the DWF Women’s title by defeating Caroline Kelly with the Patriot Missile dropkick.Team Danger’s Tyrone Walker survives a 17 man Mini Dream Rumble. Next week, he and fellow Team Danger member Stephen Greer will meet in a ‘rock, paper, scissors’ match to decide who gets to meet the winner of Dark/Eric Payne for the DWF Heavyweight title.
HOSTILITY WRESTLING FEDERATION
At Hostility’s South of Heaven PPV:-Don Tiago and Ronnie McNeil are named Hostility’s first Tag Team champions-’Beautiful’ Bobby Dean defeats Hostility Extreme Champion Roxy Monroe, AirStrife, Ronnie McNeil, and Alexander Anarchy to become the new Extreme Champion-Xander Daniels wins the Hostility Aversion title in an Inferno Match with previous champion Hooligan.-Steven Steele pins Hostility Champion Talon when Chris Bond on the champion and Steele hits his Foreplay finisher to win the title.
PRO WRESTLING FURY
Pro Wrestling Fury held its Dream + Infinite IV show this past weekend with a whopping 14 match card highlighted by Ryo Inoue’s successful F-MAX Unified Heavyweight defense against “Mr. 300″ Kazuma Fujita, Akira Takayoshi & Naoyuki Watanabe winning the F-MAX Tag Team title, and Hiroaki Nakata winning the WWA National Heavyweight champion.
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E-WRESTLER OF THE WEEK:
5. ‘Totally Bored’ Hyan Borg- Genocidal Wrestling Organization.
Borg’s gimmick is one of the best in E-Wrestling (in our opinion) and he defeats Tommy Glass to become the first GWO champion.
4. Hiroaki Nakata- Pro-Wrestling Fury
Defeated Tatsumichi Akamatsu to become the 20th WWA National Heavyweight Champion at Dream + Infinite IV.
3. “Beautiful” Bobby Dean – Hostility
Defeated Extreme Champion Roxy Monroe and three other wrestlers to claim the Hostility Extreme title at South of Heaven.
2. Xander Daniels- Hostility
Defeated Hostility Aversion champion Hooligan in an Inferno match to become the new Aversion champion.
1. Akira Takayoshi & Naoyuki Watanabe- Pro-Wrestling Fury
Won the F-Max Tag Team title at Dream + Infinite IV from TAKU & Mastodon Fukuda in a 4 1/2 star spectacular.
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Suave: “Back to the ring.”
Charlene Ann: “It’s time for our next match. On his way to the ring at this time, weighing in at 235 pounds, from Toledo, OH, a member of Dick Cheney’s Extreme Neo-Con Alliance, it’s Quadruple R- Randy ‘Road Rage’ Richardson!” Crowd: “BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Suave: “Randy’s still not very liked here…can’t imagine why.”
Charlene Ann: “His opponent weighs in tonight at 245 pounds. From Ottumwa, Iowa, a member of Progressive Alliance, and accompanied by Rahm Emanuel, it’s Starz N. Stripes!” The crowd cheers. Suave: “Okay. Starz vs. Quad R. The stipulation in this match is pretty simple: if Starz loses, he’s going to get waterboarded at Club Gitmo. If Starz wins, he gets 15 minutes with Dick Cheney at Club Gitmo. These two have met several times in the past couple years. Their latest match was three weeks ago on PCW Extreme Political TV. Starz looked very good and Quad R seemed rusty in that match. Quad R attacked Starz last week and that’s why we’re here tonight.”
MATCH #7
STARZ N. STRIPES w/Rahm Emanuel (Progressive Alliance) vs.
‘QUAD R’ RANDY ROAD RAGE RICHARDSON (Dick Cheney’s Extreme Neo-Con Alliance)
The bell sounds. Quad R comes out quickly and kicks Starz N. Stripes in the groin. Suave: “Quadruple R going low early on. But Starz legsweeps ‘Road Rage’ right back. Rake to the face by Starz. A SECOND LOW BLOW BY QUAD R! BELLY TO BACK SUPLEX BY QUAD R AND STARZ IS HURTING NOW!” Quad R throws Starz to the floor. He then flings Starz to the ring steps. Suave: “The edge of the ring steps cut Starz N. Stripes like a blade. Starz N. Stripes is bleeding big time. Quad R with a huge gutbuster and Starz is in trouble. Quad R hits Starz with the back of his elbow. Starz responds with a reverse atomic drop. Starz is going for the piledriver… YES! He piledrives Quad R right into the floor.
Both men move back into the ring. Suave: “Starz hits a swinging bulldog. Quad R rakes the eyes and hits a backward kick. Quad R follows with a running powerbomb on to the mat. Starz back to his feet. BIG OIL AND KIRK WALSTREIT INSIDE THE RING.” Big Oil grabs Starz from behind and hits a fall away slam. Suave: “Starz not ready for that one. Now he’s in serious trouble as Quad R takes him up to the top rope.” Table now set up outside the ring. POWERBOMB THROUGH THE TABLE!”
‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido, and Justin Sufferable run to the ring. Escondido finds Quad R in the corner of the ring. Escondido tries to lift Quad R for a Powerslam but is unable to lift. Big Oil punches Starz N. Stripes repeatedly. Big Oil hooks Starz N. Stripes’s arms….Double Underhook Powerbomb on an open chair! Suave: “It’s gotten a bit loose in there. Justin Sufferable clotheslines Quad R. Sufferable with a chair *CLANG* Chairshot to Quad R. Kirk Walstreit sends Starz to the corner of the ring. Walstreit opens up another chair and then whips Starz into the ropes…Drop Toe Hold onto the open chair! RAHM EMANUEL’S IN THE RING. Clotheslines to Quad R. Now raking the face of Quad R.”
Starz N. Stripes grabs him. He spins him upside down. Suave: “He’s going for the piledriver…..YES! Cover! One. Two. Three!”
Charlene Ann: “The winner of this match, Starz N. Stripes!” Suave: “And you know what that means…15 minutes alone with Dick Cheney at Club Gitmo!” Escondido and PCW Champion O’Beck Bahama drag Dick Cheney to Club Gitmo. Dick tries to get away but Escondido and Bahama have things well under control. They take Dick inside followed by Starz N. Stripes. The doors close.
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PCW Investigative Reporter Woodward Bernstein walks to the ring carrying a large box. Bernstein: “Okay. I have some breaking news to report. I have in my possession a copy of some x-rays taken earlier today of Domination Inc’s Seven Foot Tall Weapon of Mass Destruction Big Monster Wahlie. It appears BMW has a severe neurological problem that he has received treatment for the past two years. Any bump or several movement or trauma can cause him to black out instantly.” Suave: “HOLY CRAP! THAT PRETTY MUCH MEANS BMW’S CAREER IS OVER ALREADY!”
This brings out Domination Inc. CEO ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann and a fuming CFO Gordon Guyko. Guyko: “WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING? YOU SPENT WELL OVER A MILLION DOLLARS ON A WRESTLER WHO CAN’T WRESTLE? THAT’S IT! WE’RE THROUGH! I’M PULLING MY INVESTORS AND YOU’RE DONE.” Suave: “HOLY CRAP! Guyko’s pulling out. Guyko’s pulling out! WE ARE WATCHING THE DISINTEGRATION OF DOMINATION INC.!”
McMann: “Bring him out now!” Guyko: “He can’t wrestle!” McMann: “Sure he can. I said bring him out.”
*Def’ Leppard’s Rock, Rock Til You Drop blares*
Suave: “HOLD IT A SEC! IS HE BACK?” The Corporate Enforcer Whiskey Tango Foxtrot appears. WTF has a microphone. WTF: “Mr. McMann, he’s not wrestling!: The crowd stands and cheers. McMann: “I said for you to go get BMW.” WTF: “Ain’t happening.” McMann: “I’m not asking you…I’m telling you.” WTF: “What I’m saying is there’s no way in hell he’s wrestling tonight or ever again.” McMann is taken aback. McMann: “How do YOU know?” WTF: “Because, Mr. McMann. I’M THE MOLE!” The crowd explodes. Crowd: “What the f***! What the f***!” Suave: “IT WAS HIM! THE MOLE WAS WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT ALL ALONG AND McMANN CAN’T BELIEVE IT!” McMann stands, mouth agape, completely still. McMann stares off into space. Suave: “HE’S IN A STATE OF COMPLETTE SHOCK! THIS MIGHT NOT BE THE END OF THIS YET. WE’LL SEE YOU WEDNESDAY NIGHT WITH MORE FROM PCW LOOSE CANNONS UNLEASHED. SEE YOU THEN.
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Joe Barton (R) – Mr. Hayward, I’m ashamed of what the Democrats are trying to do here today. On behalf of myself and the generous amounts of money that BP and other oil companies contribute to me, I’d like to apologize.
