PCW Extreme Political TV Recap
Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon
Monday November 5th, 2012
Host: Johnny Suave
The final show before PCW Extreme Election Night 2012, PCW hit Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon for a Monday night card that featured just one match- the Heartland Title match between champion Dawn McGill and challenger ‘Platte Populist’ William Daniels Bryan.
Nate Silver of the Five Thirty Eight blog comes out to rev up the crowd. He holds up a giant binder and shouts out over and over:
The numbers don’t lie. Obama is going to win tomorrow night.
The voice of PCW Johnny Suave finally chases Silver from the ring and runs down the show. After McGill vs. Bryan, it’ll be a replay of PCW Extreme Election Night 2010.
Bryan, the former PCW champion when he was known as Daniel-San, and McGill, the ex Army Ranger, would meet later on in the show for the de facto leadership of the PCW Independents/Unaffiliateds.
But first, PCW Hall of Famer ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido came to the ring and addressed the wrestlers. Escondido says that both the Republicans and Democrats have disrespected independents for years even though they are the ones the power- the ones who swing elections. He notes that there’s a disagreement between the Dawn McGill-William Daniels Bryan factions and tonight is going to settle all issues. Tomorrow night is PCW Extreme Election Night and Independents will be there in force.
“Independents will swing this contest! Count on it!”
Meanwhile, backstage there’s a pounding on the back door. The camera cuts to the outside- it’s Dallas Cowboy‘s owner Jerry Jones trying to gain entrance but he’s been locked out.
First, Bryan and then McGill come to the ring for their Heartland Title match.
(1) Heartland Title Match: Dawn McGill (C) vs. William Daniels Bryan
The first minutes see both McGill and Bryan cautiously feeling each other out. Bryan takes McGill to the mat and works the leg. McGill escaped and brought out the heavy artillery. Kendo stick shot to Bryan’s back. Another kendo stick shot. Then McGill brought in a steel folding chair. Bryan ducked a chairshot and escaped.
McGill followed and Bryan caught her on the outside. They brawled for awhile before Bryan whipped McGill into the steel barricade. Eventually, they both ended up back in the ring and Bryan again tried to ground McGill. Figure four by the Platte Populist but McGill is able to get to the ropes. Bryan with a chairshot slowed McGill and then it’s back to the mat. Bryan goes for another figure four but McGill again eluded and then standing dropkicks Bryan out of the ring.
Bryan took his time getting back into the ring. Once he returned, Bryan again used his wrestling skills to get McGill grounded yet again. McGill kicked at him but Bryan first locked in a figure four and then the LaBell Lock. This time McGill found herself in the middle of the ring and out of arm’s reach of the ropes. This time, McGill had no choice but to tap out.
WINNER AND NEW HEARTLAND TITLE CHAMPION: William Daniels Bryan @ 8:15
McGill handed the belt to Bryan and then raised his arm in the air. ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido then joined them along with the rest of the PCW Independents.
Suave wrapped up the show- PCW Extreme Election Night 2012 is almost here.
PCW EXTREME ELECTION NIGHT 2010 REPLAY
PCW Extreme Election Night
Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon
Tuesday November 2nd, 2010
Host: Johnny Suave
Johnny Suave and his life-size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain
Loud crowd chant of ‘PCW…PCW…PCW.’ Suave and Shania are in the ring.
Suave- HELLO AND WELCOME TO P-C-W EX-TREME ELECTION NIGHT 2010!
Suave- Four years ago, the Democrats took over control of the PCW Competition Committee and Executive Committee. Two years ago, PCW Owner Bubba Jackson appointed Democrat Barack Obama as the new PCW CEO. Tonight, it’s the Republicans who come into Extreme Election Night with the momentum on their side. Can they follow it through? How much help will the Tea Party and Sarah Palin give them? How much help can Bill Clinton and CEO Obama give the Democrats? Over the next two and a half hours, we’re going to find out.
The crowd cheers.
Suave- Let’s run down the card one last time before we get the evening started.
Ohio: Lee Fisher (D) vs. Rob Portman (R)
Delaware: Christine O’Donnell (R) vs. Chris Coons (D)
Florida: Charlie Crist (I) vs. Marco Rubio (R) vs. Kendrick Meek (D)
Pennsylvania: Pat Toomey (R) vs. Joe Sestak (D)
Kentucky: Rand Paul (R) vs. Jack Conway (D)
Alaska: Joe Miller (R) vs. Scott McAdam (D) vs. Lisa Murkowski (I)
Connecticut: Richard Blumenthal (D) vs. Linda McMahon (R)
California: Carly Fiorina (R) vs. Barbara Boxer (D)
Nevada: Harry Reid (D) vs. Sharron Angle (R)
PCW Tag Team Title Match: The Kings of Old School: Ricky Michaels/Marty Lane (D) vs. The International Hit Squad: Andy Golatta and Daniel-San (I)
PCW Title Match: Jill-Berg (R) vs. PCW Champion Yamamoto Tanaka (D)
If Berg wins, she will become the first woman ever to be the PCW Champion. But the road will be perilous. The National Organization of Women want to stop her. Does the 95 pound Berg have a sniff of a chance against the 350 pound PCW Champion?
AND Charlie Blackwell (I-American Heartland) gets married.
Suave and Shania are back to their broadcast positions.
Suave- Can the unbeaten Jill Berg find a way to defeat Yamamoto Tanaka? We’ll find out later on. Let’s go to the ring and Kimber Marshall-
Marshall climbs into the ring. But then ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann appears.
Suave- No. What the hell does he want?
Mr. McMann leads Big Oil, Big Electric, Kirk Walstreit, and Rough Justice (D.B. Ruff and Connor Justice-two former police officers fired for their extreme style of law enforcement), to the ring.
Suave- It’s ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann and he’s leading his Corporation of Domination up to the ring. If I were Kimber Marshall, I might want to get out of there right now.
McMann and company climb into the ring to a ringing round of boos from the crowd.
Mr. McMann- SHUT UP, YOU UNGRATEFUL INGRATES! Do you know who I am? I am the undisputed genius of Sports Entertainment!
More boos roll in.
Mr. McMann- And since I know what you inbred pukes want, I’ve come here tonight to this redneck shack out in the middle of God-knows where to once again, offer PCW my services.
Mr. McMann- Now, Kimber Marshall does a passable job of ring announcing. But-
Suave- Ah, Kimber does a more than passable job there.
Mr. McMann- But. I have someone in the back who’ll do a better job. Lance! Come on down!
Lance Terry comes to the ring. He’s greeted with a solid wall of boos.
Mr. McMann- Well? What do you think?
McMann is livid. Big Oil, Big Electric, and Kirk Walstreit line up behind him. Rough Justice drags Kimber Marshall into the ring.
Mr. McMann- You all are going to find out just how potent the power of a big corporation is. Lance is going to do the ring announcing for tonight’s show because there’s no one here who can stop us from making it so. Big Oil? DO IT!
Rough Justice hands off Kimber to Big Oil. Big Oil lifts her up…
Suave- NO! YOU CAN’T DO THAT! SHE’S DONE NOTHING-
The crowd roars…
‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido, Charlie Blackwell, and Kenzie Blair (I-American Heartland)
International Hit Squad: ‘Foul Pole’ Andy Golatta, Daniel-San, and Mrs. Miyagi
Blackwell and Escondido rescue Kimber and brawl with Big Oil. Golatta takes on Big Electric. Daniel-San quickly takes down Walstreit.
Suave- Rough Justice try to sneak up behind Blackwell. OH!
From behind, Kenzie Blair and Mrs. Miyagi deliver simultaneous low blows to Rough Justice. Both Ruff and Justice cover their privates and dance in the ring.
Suave- TWIN LARIATS by Escondido and Blackwell! WAIT A MINUTE! ON THE FLOOR!
Kimber Marshall has wrapped Lance Terry’s tie around his neck and is choking him with it.
Suave- HOLY CRAP! THAT CAN GET YOU FIRED IN OTHER WRESTLING COMPANIES! HE’S TURNING BLUE! That’s not good, right?
Terry is on all fours and trying to breathe.
Suave- We’re going to try and get this mess cleaned up. Let’s go to Paige McGillicutty in back.
Paige- Paige McGillicutty here in back with one Linda McMahon. Linda, your thoughts?
Linda McMahon (R)
Linda- Paige, I’m shock and appalled at what just happened. If PCW would only adhere to PG standards that type of trash would never make the airwaves.
Paige- Linda, Keith Olbermann had this to say…
Olbermann- Vince McMahon is fed up with “misleading and malicious attacks” on WWE. Presumably it’s where one can stand up for his right to order a female performer to get on all fours and bark like a dog.
He then showed a clip of the infamous Vince McMahon-Trish Stratus skit where Stratus was on all fours and barked like a dog.
Linda- Well…I also believe in First Amendment rights. People shouldn’t have a problem with it because they choose to watch the show.
Paige- I see…back to you Johnny.
Suave- Yeah, I’m not sure that made much sense either. I liked it better when she was asking Richard Blumenthal if he knew how to create a job. We are ready for our first match. To Kimber Marshall in the ring.
Kimber- Our first match is a one fall, thirty minute time limit. From the Great State of Ohio-
Kimber- In the blue corner, representing the Democrats, LEE FISHER!
Lee Fisher (D-Ohio)
Kimber- And his opponent, in the red corner, Republican ROB PORTMAN!
Rob Portman (R-Ohio)
Suave- Fisher versus Portman in our first match of the night. Fisher is the older and more experienced wrestler but Portman’s put together a nice campaign.
The bell rings.
Suave- And here we go. Lock up in the middle. Fisher tries to push Portman back. Portman resets his feet and drives Fisher into the turnbuckle.
Fisher sticks his arm under and around the top rope. The referee immediately calls for a break.
Suave- Referee Ron Martin calls for a break. Portman steps back. Now Fisher walking around the ring. Portman cuts him off and locks up. Fisher sends Portman for the- no…reverse…Portman whips Fisher into the ropes.
Portman bends down and Fisher goes flying up and over.
Suave- Back body drop by Portman. Fisher rolls to the ropes and grabs them. The referee calls for another break.
Portman steps back and Fisher tries to regroup.
Suave- Fisher back in…he gets a fireman’s carry takeover…a couple stomps…now Fisher going for a high elbow dropppppp…
Fisher drops and Portman rolls out of the way.
Suave- …MISSED IT! Portman grabs Fisher’s legs…OH!
Portman jumps in the air and drops both legs on Fisher’s groin.
Suave- That’ll mess your day up! Fisher’s trying to get up and Portman sends him right back down. Cover by Portman…NO…Fisher out at two. Portman rolls him up again…one…two…Fisher grabs onto the bottom rope.
Portman again steps back and allows his opponent to get up.
Suave- Portman not wasting any time…whip into the ropes…HIGH CROSSBODY BY PORTMAN! COVER…1…2…3!
Kimber Marshall climbs into the ring.
Kimber- The winner at three minutes and forty-nine seconds…ROB PORTMAN!
Suave- So Rob Portman gets the night started off right for the Republicans with an easy win over Lee Fisher. Hold on…there’s some commotion…
Ted Strickland (D)
John Kasich (R)
Strickland and Kasich race down to the ring. Strickland tries to clothesline Portman. Portman ducks out of the way and Kasich tackles Strickland.
Suave- It’s Ted Strickland and John Kasich! Now they’re brawling in the ring! There’s been a lot of tension between those two over the past few weeks and it’s finally exploded!
Strickland telegraphs a back body drop and pays with a kick to the chest. He then goes for a springboard move but misses and gets hit with a mule kick.
Suave- Kasich raining down punches on Strickland…INCOMING!
Bill Clinton and Joe Biden (D)
Clinton and Barack Obama’s Aide de Camp Biden wade in and start cleaning up on Kasich. Kasich whipped into the ropes…double clothesline!
Republicans Chris Christie of New Jersey, Haley Barbour of Mississippi, and Tim Pawlenty of Minnesota race down.
Chris Christie (R-NJ)
Christie grabs Biden and whips him out of the ring. Clinton slips out along with Strickland to ringside.
Suave- Chris Christie and Joe Biden having a stare down as the Democrats walk back down the aisle. The first match is in the books and it’s Rob Portman with the win over Lee Fisher.
Nancy Pelosi (D)
Nancy Pelosi stands beside a makeshift grave.
Pelosi- I know, you all pretty much have my career as the Leader of the PCW Competition Committee dead and buried. I get it. But let me say this, I’m not going out with a fight. Jill-Berg, for the final time, you are never going to be the PCW Champion. You might as well bury that dream right here…
She points at the grave.
Pelosi- There will be talk of plots and conspiracy theories over the next few months, but I will set them straight right now. Jill-Berg will lose tonight because of one person, and one person only: me. Now that poor Jill will be condemned to an eternity of agony, thinking of what could have been, I wants all of you to thank me. Thank me for removing the false hope Jill Berg had of defeating our PCW Champion, Yamamoto Tanaka. I know you, particularly the Republicans out there, are all clinging to a futile shred of hope that somehow, Jill Berg will defeat Tanaka tonight. That is never going to happen. Tanaka is the World Heavyweight Champion and he will walk out of here tonight with the belt while Jill Berg goes back to her rich friends at the office and cries in her champagne.
Suave- A defiant Nancy Pelosi vowing that Jill Berg will not become the next PCW Champion. Let’s head back to the ring for our second match of the night.
Kimber Marshall in the ring.
Kimber: Our second match is a three way dance, one fall, thirty minute time limit. Introducing first in the red corner, Republican CHRISTINE O’DONNELL!
Christine O’Donnell (R-Delaware)
Kimber: And her opponent is in the blue corner, representing the Democrats, CHRIS COONS!
Chris Coons (D-Delaware)
Suave- Tea Party favorite Christine O’Donnell and Democrat Chris Coons in our second match of the evening.
A group of five guys dressed up as ladybugs cheer O’Donnell on.
Suave- Okay. That was something I didn’t need to see. There’s the bell. It’ll be very interesting to see if O’Donnell’s inexperience hurts her in this match. They circle cautiously. Coons shakes off a boot to the midsection by O’Donnell. He grabs the air and whips her into the ropes. But O’Donnell grabs on to the rope.
Coons takes off and lariats O’Donnell over the top rope to the floor.
Suave- HOLY CRAP! COONS NEARLY TOOK O’DONNELL’S HEAD OFF AND SENT HER TO THE FLOOR.
Coons climbs to the top of the corner turnbuckle.
Suave- Coons trying to make this one a quickie.
‘The Princess of Political Incorrectness’ Andrea Doria
Suave- IT’S THE TEA PARTY! ANDREA DORIA RAN OUT FIRST AND PULLED O’DONNELL OUT OF THE WAY! O’DONNELL HAS A CHAIR.
She whaps it over Coons head. O’Donnell dithers about what to do next. She goes for another chairshot but Coons kicks the chair into her face.
Suave- HOLY CRAP!
O’Donnell topples over. The rest of the Tea Party (Nic Koteen, NRA, Al Cahall, Grizzly Adam, and Hunter the Hunter) run down to attend to O’Donnell. Then a surprise shows up on the ramp.
Mike Castle (R-Delaware)
Suave- That’s Mike Castle! O’Donnell’s primary opponent. He’s watching but he’s not doing anything.
The referee tells the Tea Party to get back. Coons takes O’Donnell back into the ring. He connects with a boot to the midsection.
Suave- Big boot by Coons. Coons has her up…
Coons suplexes O’Donnell to the middle of the ring.
Suave- And down she goes. And all the while, Mike Castle just watches.
Castle smiles and stays on the other side of the guard rail in the first row. Coons goes up top rope. He flies, O’Donnell rolls, and Coons lands on the mat.
Suave- No one home! O’Donnell able to get out of Dodge just in time! Coons traps O’Donnell in the corner. O’Donnell fakes one way and slips under Coons arm. Coons then grabs her arm and tosses O’Donnell out of the ring. Coons goes for a springboard moonsault, but this time it’s NRA and Nic Koteen who pull O’Donnell out of the way. Coons lies flat on the floor. What the hell is Mike Castle doing?
Castle tells the ref that the Tea Party interfered again. While he’s ‘conferring with the referee,’ Joe Biden runs down again and gets a couple shots in on O’Donnell. Then…
List flies in and hits O’Donnell with a mid-air drop kick. Her friend Code Pink also runs down and pulls O’Donnell up.
Suave- Emily List and Code Pink doubleteam O’Donnell. Coons on the top rope. Coons takes her down with a drop kick.
Andrea Doria finally has enough and she launches herself at List. She and List fight on the outside. Hunter the Hunter tosses Code Pink into the guardrail.
Suave- Coons decides to get back in the ring while the others brawl outside. Coons with a head lock. He rolls O’Donnell for a pin.
O’Donnell kicks out at two.
Suave- I DON’T BELIEVE IT! SHE KICKED OUT…COONS WITH A BACKSLIDE…
The referee pounds the mat twice and again, O’Donnell kicks out.
Suave- TWO COUNT AGAIN!
Standing drop kick from Coons sends her back down.
Suave- ANOTHER COVER! ONE…TWO…
O’Donnell again gets the shoulder up.
O’Donnell stands. Standing dropkick to the balls.
Suave- HOLY CRAP! Whoa!
Coons falls. O’Donnell with a leg drop.
Suave- Leg drop by O’Donnell. And another. She covers. One.
Coons powers out. O’Donnell drops the knee right on Coons’s groin. She hooks the leg and covers.
Suave- Cover by O’Donnell…one…two…NO!
Coons kicks out. O’Donnell stomps him and then climbs the top turnbuckle.
Suave- O’Donnell going up…NO!
Emily List and Code Pink go over and push her off the top. O’Donnell lands hard on her back.
Suave- O’Donnell too impatient and went for the home run. Coons regains control of the match. He crawls over and makes the cover…one…two…THREE! That’s it! Chris Coons takes advantage of Christine O’Donnell’s inexperience and gets the win for the Democrats.
Kimber Marshall in the ring.
Kimber- The winner of the match at six minutes, thirty-four seconds- Democrat CHRIS COONS!
Suave- Tough loss for O’Donnell who’s also supposed to be a guest on a special edition of Bill Clinton’s Hot Tub tonight. Let’s go to the back and William Jefferson Clinton.
Bill Clinton’s Hot Tub Segment
Bill Clinton glumly sits in his hot tub…alone and flanked by two Secret Service men. Off to the side of the hot tub lies a ladybug costume.
Clinton- I don’t know what else I could have done. I even brought her a ladybug costume just so she’ll feel comfortable. *sigh*
Secret Service Agent 1- I don’t think Miss O’Donnell is coming sir.
Clinton- This makes me profoundly sad. (bites lip) I feel my pain.
Lady’s voice- WAIT! WAIT!
Suave- Who the-
Fmr White House Correspondent Helen Thomas
Suave- Oh, God…
Bill Clinton takes one look at Helen as she whips off her robe in front of him.
Helen- I’ll guest on your show!
Clinton’s voice- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Suave- That was close.
Kimber Marshall in the ring.
Charlie Crist (I) vs. Marco Rubio (R) vs. Kendrick Meek (D)
Florida Three-Way Match
Kimber- Our next match is a three way dance. Introducing in the white corner, Independent CHARLIE CRIST!
Charlie Crist walks out.
Kimber- In the red corner, representing the Republicans, MARCO RUBIO!
Marco Rubio comes out next.
Kimber- In the blue corner, Democrat KENDRICK MEEK!
Suave- We’re in for a three way Florida war here. Rubio versus Crist versus Meek. There’s the bell and we’re off. All three meet in the middle and we’ve got a stalemate. Meek drops Crist with a shoulder block…but Rubio lands a drop kick to the head that sends Meek to the outside.
Crist slips in and hits a scoop slam. He wrenches on Rubio’s leg and then grapevines it.
Suave- Rubio grabs for the ropes…he’s got it! Referee Ron Martin makes Charlie Crist break the hold. Here comes Meek.
Meek, on the ring apron, slingshots himself up and over and sentons the chest of Rubio.
Suave- Nice move by Kendrick Meek. But Rubio fights right back with a volley of kicks to Meek’s head. Now he drives Meek into the corner…and Meek hooks his arm under the ropes.
Crist kicks Rubio’s back. Crist and Rubio slug it out in the middle of the ring.
Suave- Crist and Rubio going at it! Crist flings him across the ring by his hair. And that’s nice hair too. Meek comes back into the ring…
Meek eats a volley of stomps from Crist.
Suave- …and is promptly greeted rather rudely. Standing senton by Rubio! Cover…
Meek kicks out at two. Rubio latches on a chinlock.
Suave- Meek kicks out. Crist from behind…and he’s…trying to rip the hair from Rubio’s head?
Crist tries to claw at Rubio’s hair. He throws Rubio down and grinds his boot into his face.
Suave- Crist in control of the match right now.
Meek starts stomping away at Rubio as well.
Suave- And now we’ve got double-teaming on the Republican Rubio. They pull him up…and throw him over the top rope! Meek and Crist shake hands…CRIST WITH A KICK TO THE MIDSECTION. HE SPINS MEEK AROUND…ABDOMINAL STRETCH!
Crist cinches in a deep abdominal stretch in the middle of the ring.
Suave- Crist has Meek stuck…Rubio’s still trying to regain his bearings outside the ring.
Rubio holds his head and tries to shake the cobwebs.
Suave- Meek in trouble…Rubio starting to pull himself up…
Crist continues to put as much effort as he can into the stretch. Rubio climbs back into the ring.
Suave- Rubio’s back and Crist doesn’t see him.
Rubio forearms Crist in the neck and then scoops him up. Rubio hits a fireman’s carry drop.
Suave- RUBIO FROM BEHIND! NOW WHAT IS HE DOING?
Rubio locks in a modified surfboard.
Suave- SURFBOARD! AND CRIST’S SHOULDERS ARE ON THE MAT!
The referee pounds the mat twice before Crist gets the shoulders up.
Suave- Rubio somehow turned that into a pinning predicament for a two count. Rubio releases the surfboard…and drops Meek with a back elbow shot. Now he turns back to Crist…he pulls him up and…PILEDRIVER ON THE WAY!
Rubio flips Crist over and hits a modified piledriver.
Suave- RUBIO COVERS! ONE…TWO…NO!
Crist kicks out at 2.7888 and rolls to the outside. Rubio drapes Meek across the top rope, and hits a springboard splash. Rubio rolls Meek up.
Suave- For the pin…NO! Meek gets the shoulder up at two. Crist is back into the ring.
Crist hits a big back body drop on Rubio and tags Meek with a stiff right hand. Crist slams Meek twice before making the cover. The referee makes the count and Meek kicks out very late.
Suave- That was close!
Crist blocks a drop kick but catches an enzuigiri from Rubio. Rubio goes for a figure four, but Crist rolls him up for a two count.
Suave- Crist almost cost Rubio napping on that one. Rubio takes Crist and heaves him out of the ring. Meek tries to sneak in from behind.
Rubio drop toeholds Meek and locks in an ankle lock.
Suave- ANKLE LOCK! MEEK’S IN TROUBLE NOW!
Meek tries to make it to the ropes to break the hold.
Suave- MEEK TRYING TO MAKE THE ROPES!
Rubio pulls him back into the middle of the ring.
Suave- RUBIO’S GOT HIM! MEEK TAPS OUT!
ELIMINATED @ 9:15- Kendrick Meek
Crist back in the ring and goes for a sunset flip, but Rubio rolls through.
Suave- Meek gone. Crist tried to catch Rubio napping again but the Republican rolled through the sunset flip attempt. Kick by Rubio…rolling senton.
Rubio with a bottom rope double stomp.
Suave- Rubio’s taking control of the match. Exploder suplex by Rubio. He covers…Crist out at two.
Rubio whips Crist over the top rope, but Crist skins the cat and hits a flying crossbody.
Suave- Crist rallying. Right…another right. He goes a sleeper hold but Rubio ducks out of danger.
Crist goes for it again but Rubio escapes to the corner.
Suave- Crist pushing the issue now. He charges the corner…
Rubio moves and Crist hits the corner turnbuckle hard.
Suave- NO ONE HOME!
Crist staggers back. Rubio wraps his arms around his stomach and hits a huge belly to back suplex.
Suave- Crist right up and he trades shots in the middle of the ring with Rubio.
Rubio gets a roll-up out of the blue for a two count. Rubio follows with the Back-Slide from Heaven .
Suave- HE’S GOT HIMMMM…NOOOO! CRIST JUST GETS OUT.
Rubio with a jackknife pin.
Suave- RUBIOOOOO…AGAIN…CRIST JUST BEATS THE THREE COUNT!
Rubio lands a swinging uranage and goes up top. Suicide dive on the way.
Suave- GOT IT! COVER. ONE…TWO…THREE!
The bell rings.
Suave- Republican Marco Rubio defeats fellow Floridian Charlie Crist and Kendrick Meek.
WINNER: Marco Rubio (R) at 15:22
Jill-Berg is standing with her bodyguard Daisy Cutter-Bomb.
Jill-Berg and Daisy Cutter-Bomb (R)
Jill Berg- Apparently, there is a monster on the loose, and the monster, is filled with evil intentions towards me. Tonight, after I pimp slap the monster over and over again, I’m going to do the same to Yamamoto Tanaka.
Daisy starts to laugh.
Jill Berg- Nancy Pelosi, since you’ve decided to stop me at all costs tonight, after I win the PCW Title tonight and become the first woman ever to hold that title belt, then it is time for us to do something about it. How about we get together, like- in a cage match, and I’ll send you to hell…or to Fox News. Whatever your choice is. I know your only goal tonight is extinguish the flame that is the Jill Berg movement. Make no mistake, after tonight, after you lose the PCW Title belt and your job, the only thing Nancy Pelosi will need is a priest to give her last rites.
Suave- Jill Berg and her bodyguard, Daisy Cutter-Bomb and they mean business tonight as Berg takes on PCW Champion Yamamoto Tanaka for the title.
Backstage, Charlie Blackwell, dressed spiffy in a tux, and ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido (also in tux) walk by and duck into a private dressing room.
Suave- There’s the groom-to-be, Charlie Blackwell along with best man Chris Escondido, backstage. Charlie’s wedding to Kenzie Blair is coming up in a little bit. Now, let’s head back to the ring.
Kimber Marshall is there and ready.
Kimber- Our next match is a one fall, thirty-minute time limit. Introducing first in the red corner…
Aimee Allen’s Revolution starts to play
Wake up! Good morning America! Rise and Shine….
Ron Paul! Save our constitutional rights
Ron Paul! We’re not gonna give up the fight
Ron Paul! Start a revolution
and break down illegal institutions
We don’t want no war no more
bring our boys home to our shores
We don’t want big government
Or the Bilderberg group that pays for it
The Federal Id means a police state
and Mr. Jefferson’s rolling in his grave
when our names turn to numbers like 666
according to the gospel on implantable chips…
Kimber- …from the great state of Kentucky, representing the Republicans- RAND PAUL!
Rand Paul (R-Kentucky)
The Patriot Act took our liberties
And there’s no judge and no jury
Tapping our phones, breaking down our doors
waging on the people a civil war!
We work 3 jobs and bring home no pay
The IRS takes it all away
and we struggle, slave to pay the rent
So, Ron Paul for President
Kimber- And his opponent tonight, in the blue corner, Democrat JACK CONWAY!
Jack Conway (D-KY)
Suave- Rand Paul versus Jack Conway! This could be a wild one as both men have been chirping back and forth at each other. AND THEY START ALREADY!
Conway and Paul run towards each other. Lou Thesz Press by Paul and he flails away at Conway.
Suave- NOT WASTING ANY TIME! PAUL AND CONWAY ARE THROWING EVERYTHING AT EACH OTHER!
Conway bails to the outside to catch a breather. Rand Paul follows but Conway drills him with a chair and then sets him down on it. Huge running boot by Conway.
Suave- Conway starting fast! But Paul fires back with rapid-fire kicks to Conway.
Paul wrenches Conway’s arm around the guard rail. Paul with a steel chair. He blasts Conway with it!
Suave- HOLY CRAP! HE NEARLY BENT THAT CHAIR AROUND CONWAY’S BACK!
Paul and Conway go back in the ring. Paul connects with a lariat in the corner. Conway pokes the eyes.
Suave- That stops Paul in his tracks. Running boot by Conway…chops the chest in the corner…now a volley of kicks. Conway trying to slow things down just a bit…he wrenches on the arm…
Conway locks in a Fujiwara arm bar and then transitions into a cross arm breaker. Conway releases and lands a low drop kick to the face.
Suave- Conway for the cover…Paul kicks out at two. Now Conway lights up Paul with kicks in the corner.
Paul catches the last kick and lands a knee to the gut.
Suave- Paul comes back with a knee.
Paul hits a uranage backbreaker over the knee.
Suave- Paul now with a standing double stomp to the mid-section…now a knee and a boot to the side of the head. Paul climbs out of the ring and brings back a chair.
Conway kicks the chair into Paul’s stomach. He follows with a gut-buster. Conway lifts Paul up and puts him in the piledriver position right over the steel-folding chair.
Suave- CONWAY’S GOING FOR PILEDRIVER ONTO THE STEEL CHAIR!
Conway drops and hits the move.
Suave- CONWAY FOR THE WIN…ONE…TWO…NO! PAUL KICKED OUT!
Conway with a knee drop to the head and another cover. Paul again kicks out at the two count. Conway wrenches on Paul’s neck.
Suave- CONWAY TRIES TO MAKE PAUL SUBMIT…
Paul refuses to submit. Conway hits another backbreaker on his knee before landing another double stomp to the mid-section. Conway picks up the chair.
Suave- CONWAY’S GOT THE CHAIR. *WHAP* HOLY CRAP! *WHAP* CONWAY’S ATTACKING PAUL’S KNEE WITH THE CHAIR.!
Conway drives a knee onto Paul’s knee. Then he drapes him over the second rope and chokes him.
Suave- Conway with a springboard double-knee shot to the back of the head. Now for God knows what reason, Conway wants to take it outside.
Conway drags Paul to the outside, but Paul regains control and drives Conway’s back onto the steel barricade. Paul jumps on the bell table and hits a guillotine leg drop.
Suave- HOLY CRAP! GUILLOTINE LEG DROP ACROSS THE STEEL BARRICADE!
Paul throws Conway over the barricade into the crowd. Paul grabs a chair and whaps it over Conway’s head. Someone hands him a plastic pitcher of beer, Paul breaks it on Conway’s forehead and beer goes flying all over the place. Conway tries to get away but slips on the beer on the floor. Paul with another chairshot. Paul goes for a third but someone grabs the chair.
Bill Clinton (D)
Suave- BILL CLINTON!
Paul and Clinton have a stand off. Then the Tea Party runs in and Clinton exits stage left.
Suave- Paul drags Conway back towards the ring…he throws a couple right hands…
Paul rolls Conway back into the ring. He grabs a chair and climbs the top turnbuckle.
Suave- AIR RAND PAUL ON THE WAY!
Paul connects with the top rope chairshot. Conway pirouettes and crumples to the mat.
Sauve- Paul off the ropes…RUNNING SHOOTING STAR PRESS!
Paul covers…1…2…Conway kicks out at 2.77.
Suave- PAUL NEARLY GOT HIM THERE!
Paul comes off the ropes again with a springboard spinning back heel kick. Paul hooks the legs…1…2…NO! Paul hits the ropes again, but Conway pops up and absolutely levels him with a brutal spear.
Suave- CONWAY WITH THE SPEAR! I THOUGHT HE WAS DONE BUT NO!…rear waist lock…Paul reaches for the ropes…and he gets there to force the break.
Conway ducks an overhead kick and hits a knee to the head. Paul tries to trap Conway in the corner, but Conway counters into a Buckle Bomb and follows with an Overbomb and a Pumping Bomber.
Suave- BACK AND FORTH IT GOES. CONWAY IS SOMEHOW BACK IN THIS MATCH!
Conway takes Paul to the top rope and hits a superplex.
Suave- SUPERPLEX! SUPERPLEX BY CONWAY! COVER. ONE…TWO…NO! PAUL GETS THE SHOULDER UP.
Conway goes the lariat but Paul blocks. Back heel kick by Paul. Conway retaliates with a big right hand ; Paul fires back with a right hand. Conway and Paul trade lefts and rights. Conway whips Paul into the ropes…Paul grabs a chair and blasts Conway with it.
Suave- HOLY CRAP! PAUL JUST LEVELED CONWAY WITH THE CHAIR…NOW HE DRAGS HIM UP AND PUTS HIM OVER HIS SHOULDER…
Paul jackhammer slams Conway onto the chair.
Suave- THAT’S IT! PAUL COVERS…ONE…TWO…THREE!
WINNER: Rand Paul @ 17:02
Suave- RAND PAUL SURVIVES A BRUTAL BACK AND FORTH WAR WITH JACK CONWAY AND GETS THE WIN HERE AT PCW EXTREME ELECTION NIGHT. CHARLIE BLACKWELL’S WEDDING COMING UP NEXT!
Ring Announcer Kimber Marshall in the ring.
Kimber- Our next match is a one fall, thirty minute time limit. First, in the red corner from California, Republican CARLY FIORINA!
Fiorina waves to the crowd.
Kimber- And in the blue corner, representing the Democrats- BARBARA BOXER!
Carly Fiorina (R) and Barbara Boxer (D)
Suave- Barbara hasn’t been to pleased with us ever since this ran…
Boxer gives Suave a stern look. The bell rings.
They start with a lock-up, Boxer works the arm.
Suave- Fiorina takes control…now Boxer reverses back and starts working the arm again…Fiorina again turns it around on Boxer and she works her arm…Boxer grabs the hair…Fiorina shakes it off…Boxer reverses and works Fiorina’s arm…now, it’s Fiorina who tries pulling on Boxer’s hair…Boxer stomps on Fiorina’s foot…Fiorina with the elbow and she escapes.
A face-off takes place. Boxer slaps Fiorina in the face. Fiorina returns the favor. Boxer chops the hell out of Fiorina’s chest.
Suave- CHOP WAR!
Fiorina”s chest is very red already. Fiorina chops Boxer and she’s driven backwards. Boxer chops Fiorina again. Fiorina returns the favor. Boxer pokes the eyes. She suplexes Fiorina onto the top rope and she’s hung up.
Suave- Fiorina’s in a bad place to be. Big boot Boxer and again, Fiorina’s stuck on the ropes. Another big boot by Boxer. Boxer through the ropes.
Boxer on the apron and goes for a spear. Fiorina manages to move and Boxer eats the post.
Suave- Fiorina moved just in time and Boxer tastes the steel ring post.
Fiorina works the arm on the floor. She slams the arm around the post, again, and a third time. Fiorina whips Boxer into the barricade. She slams Boxer’s arm over the barricade…again…and a third time. She rolls her back into the ring and continues working the arm.
Suave- Fiorina with a hammerlock. She seems to be catching her breath here. Boxer trying to get to her feet.
Boxer powers up and starts elbowing Fiorina. Boxer elbows out and rolls her off. Fiorina tries a kick. Boxer catches her foot. Fiorina with an enzuigiri but Boxer ducks and sweeps out her legs.
Suave- Fiorina down…and Boxer lays the boots to her. Fiorina trying to get up but Boxer won’t let her. Now Boxer goes up top, BIG LEG DROP! Cover…one…two…Fiorina gets a shoulder up. Boxer pulls Fiorina up and whips her into the corner turnbuckle.
Boxer winds and lays a wicked chop on Fiorina’s chest.
Suave- WOW! BOXER IS TENDERIZING FIORINA’S CHEST RIGHT NOW…ANOTHER CHOP!
Fiorina’s legs buckle but she holds herself up. Boxer backs up…she connects with a running kick. Boxer goes for a pin, Fiorina kicks out at 2.
Suave- Snap mare takedown by Boxer…she claws at the back…that can’t feel too good…Boxer covers…one..two…kick out by Fiorina.
Boxer again pulls Fiorina up and sets her up on the top turnbuckle.
Suave- Boxer with a couple right hands to soften her up.
Boxer turns around and grabs Fiorina by the back of her neck. She climbs up to the first turnbuckle and jumps down. Fiorina gets crotched on the top rope and lands outside the ring.
Suave- BOXER GOING UP TOP!…SUICIDE DIVE!
Belly to belly suplex to the floor by Boxer. Fiorina moving slowly now. Boxer rolls her back into the ring. She hooks the legs…one…two…three.
Suave- THAT’S IT! BOXER WINS!
WINNER: Barbara Boxer (D) @ 10:54
Suave- BARBARA BOXER GIVES THE DEMOCRATS THEIR SECOND VICTORY OF THE NIGHT HERE AT PCW EXTREME ELECTION NIGHT 2010…hold on…let’s go to the back…
Sharron Angle (R-Nevada) and The View’s Joy Behar are engaged in a shoving match. Elbows, forearms, and kicks fly as security and PCW personnel try to break up the fracas.
Suave- Angle and Behar literally have to be pulled apart! WAIT A MINUTE!
A couple of men run up and attack Angle.
Suave- WHAT THE HELL? THAT’S UNION JACK AND CHICAGO BOSS MARK DITKA! ANGLE HAS A HUGE MATCH COMING UP IN JUST A FEW MOMEMTS AGAINST HARRY REID!
The Tea Party rushes out. First, NRA and Hunter the Hunter wades in followed by Nic Koteen and Grizzly Adam..
Suave- THEY’RE TRYING TO REGAIN CONTROL BACK THERE! LET’S GO BACK TO THE RING FOR OUR NEXT MATCH!
Kimber Marshall climbs into the ring.
Kimber- Our next match is a one fall, thirty minute time limit. Introducing first, in the blue corner from the State of Connecticut, representing the Democrats- RICHARD BLUMENTHAL!
Richard Blumenthal (D-Connecticut)
Kimber- And his opponent, in the red corner, Republican- LINDA McMAHON!
Linda McMahon (R-Connecticut)
Suave- I am so looking forward to this one. Blumenthal versus McMahon.
The bell rings.
Suave- Blumenthal comes out cautiously…McMahon circles…quick lockup. Blumenthal drives McMahon to the ropes…
McMahon dips her arm under the top rope.
Suave- And the referee calls for the break.
A slap from McMahon quickly raises the intensity level.
Suave- WHOA! I think that got Blumenthal’s attention. He comes forward…
Blumenthal gets caught with a barrage of kicks from McMahon. He backs up and recovers.
Suave- Blumenthal with an armbar…
McMahon immediately grabs on to the ropes.
Suave- …but McMahon once again makes the ropes and the referee calls for the break.
McMahon then charges right into a dropkick by Blumenthal. He ducks a wild right and responds with a spin kick and takes her off her feet. Blumenthal throws McMahon out of the ring and climbs the turnbuckle.
Suave- I’m not sure this is the brightest idea!
Blumenthal dives and splashes McMahon to the floor. Blumenthal throws her back into the ring. Kick to the balls by McMahon.
Suave- Yeah, that’ll slow you down. McMahon going outside…
She grabs a chair and throws it back into the ring.
Suave- Hold on a second. Hitting someone with a chair isn’t very PG!
McMahon whaps Blumenthal with the chair. She pulls him up into a side headlock and hits a DDT. Cover. One…two…kickout.
Suave- Blumenthal kicks out at two. McMahon goes for a clothesline…Blumenthal ducks…McMahon off the ropes…goes for a takedown…Blumenthal reverses…he tries to take her down…McMahon reverses…KICK TO THE BALLS! AGAIN!
Blumenthal doubles over. McMahon grabs the chair and waffles him with it. Roll up.
Suave- ANOTHER COVER!
One…two…another kickout by Blumenthal. McMahon to the outside. Blumenthal with the baseball slide and takes McMahon down to the floor hard. Now it’s Blumenthal who grabs a chair. He raises it…he starts to swing…HE’S STOPPED?
Suave- HOLY CRAP! HOLY F@#$#@ CRAP! THAT’S TRIP-…ER…PAUL LEVESQUE! HE’S HERE! IN PCW!
Crowd- HOLY @#$#! HOLY #$#@! HOLY !@@#!
Levesque grabs the chair from Blumenthal who wisely returns to the ring. The crowd goes off again when a female comes out and helps McMahon up.
Suave- WHAT THE @#$#…THAT’S STEPHANIE McMAHON…LEVESQUE!
Blumenthal back in the ring. Stephanie checks on Linda. The elder McMahon then steps back into the ring.
Suave- Blumenthal looks a little unsure…kind of like that time Linda asked him how one creates a job.
They battle on the corner. McMahon connects with a knee strike and a second one. Blumenthal blocks a third one and hits a slingshot senton followed by a backbreaker. McMahon hurls herself into the ropes but Blumenthal reverses a crossbody in midair into a power slam. He covers. McMahon kicks out at two.
Suave- Linda’s throwing everything she can at Blumenthal.
Blumenthal with another armbar. McMahon tries to reach the ropes but comes up a bit short. Levesque hops up on the apron and pulls McMahon to the ropes.
Suave- McMahon gets saved by her son-in-law Trip-…er…Paul Levesque!
McMahon back in action…she goes for a knockout kick. Blumenthal ducks, spins her around, and slaps on the sleeper hold.
Suave- SLEEPER! SLEEPER HOLD!
McMahon tries to reach the ropes but Blumenthal keeps her right in the center of the ring.
Suave- McMAHON’S IN TROUBLE! SHE’S TOO FAR FROM THE ROPES…Oh, no.
Levesque pulls out a sledgehammer and climbs up on the apron behind Blumenthal. He climbs into the ring and raises the sledgehammer. Levesque swings…Blumenthal ducks at the last second…and McMahon gets it.
Suave- HOLY CRAP!
Levesque can’t believe it. Mrs. Levesque can’t believe it. McMahon’s out cold. Blumenthal makes the cover…one…two…three.
WINNER: Richard Blumenthal (D) @ 11:49
Levesque checks on Linda. Then he glares at Blumenthal who wisely decides to make haste to the back.
Suave- Another Democrat win here at PCW Extreme Election Night.
PCW Champion Yamamoto Tanaka (D) warms up in his dressing room.
Suave- The PCW Champion getting ready for his title defense tonight against Jill-Berg. Also tonight, PCW Tag Team Champions The Kings of Old School (D) put their belts on the line against the International Hit Squad (I). Paige McGillicutty has the Kings backstage. Paige?
Backstage, Paige McGillicutty has Ricky Michaels and Marty Lane aka The Kings of Old School with her.
Paige- Ricky, you have a tough one tonight against the-
Ricky- Hold it, Paige. We all know why you’re out here.
Marty- You’re out here to apologize in advance for the International Hit Squad and the colossal ass-kicking they’re about to receive.
Ricky- Instead, I think you should apologize for you bad taste in men, music and hair extensions.
Paige- Excuse me?
Marty- No, no. She is here to say that everyone in the building knows that the International Hit Squad are nothing more than a flash in the pan, brainless, laughable, half witted, uninspired, frog faced losers.
Ricky- Are you a frog face loser, Paige?
Paige just shoots a glare at Ricky.
Marty- ARE YOU? ARE YOU? ARE YOU? Well, I’ve been hearing all this stuff about how the Republicans are going to win this and that and these International Hit Squad title belt wearing wannabes. Listen, let’s get a couple things straight. The Cincinnati Bengals suck. The Detroit Lions suck. And the Cleveland Browns aren’t going to the super bowl anytime soon because they are losers.
Ricky- And they suck. The International Hit Squad is the furthest thing from awesome that PCW has ever seen. And, they’re ugly.
Marty- Let’s go Ricky. This interview sucks too.
The Kings of Old School depart.
Suave- Well? I guess that pretty much sucked. All right, there’s been a slight delay in the Charlie Blackwell wedding so we’re going to go ahead with the next match. Back to you, Kimber Marshall.
Kimber raises the microphone to speak.
Kimber- Our next match is a one fall, thirty minute time limit. In the blue corner, from the Keystone State- Pennsylvania, representing the Democrats- JOE SESTAK!
Joe Sestak (D-Pennsylvania)
Kimber- And his opponent in the red corner, Republican- PAT TOOMEY!
Pat Toomey (R-Pennsylvania)
Suave- Toomey versus Sestak for Arlen Spector’s old spot.
The bell rings and Toomey and Sestak lock up. Sestak takes Toomey down with a deep arm drag.
Suave- Arm drag takedown by Joe Sestak. Toomey’s right back up and both men circle each other.
Toomey gets the single-leg takedown.
Suave- Single leg takedown by Toomey…but Sestak regains control…and he locks in an arm ringer. Now he drags Toomey to the ropes…and wraps his arm around the rope and wrenches away on it.
Sestak gets a head lock on Toomey.
Suave- Sestak now with a head-…roll-up pin…no. Toomey kicks out. Now Sestak with a backslide…no. Another two count as Toomey just kicks out and now another roll-up…one…two…no!…this time, Toomey gets a shoulder up.
Sestak pulls Toomey and hits a drop kick.
Suave- Sestak with the cover…one…two…AGAIN, TOOMEY KICKS OUT! Joe Sestak has started very aggressively in this match.
Toomey pokes Sestak in the eyes and regains control. He pounds away on Sestak in the corner. Toomey for a face wash in the corner. Sestak gets back to his feet and connects with a drop kick.
Suave- Good action back and forth. And now, we’ve got a brawl in the ring.
Toomey and Sestak maul at each other in the middle of the ring. Sestak connects with a springboard cross-body.
Suave- Sestak hooks the legs…no…another two count. Sestak hits the ropes, but…watch out…Toomey just dropped him with a spinning back elbow.
Toomey pulls Sestak back to his feet and rips at the face. He rakes the back and drops Sestak with a knee to the gut.
Suave- Toomey getting rough…he’s got Sestak up…exploder suplex! Cover…two count. Toomey sends Sestak for the ride…overhead belly-to-belly suplex…cover…another two count.
Toomey delivers a knee to the face and then snaps him with a neck breaker. He covers…again, Sestak out at two. Toomey kicks Sestak in the head, but Sestak fights back with a volley in the corner. Toomey goes low with a kick and Sestak goes down in the middle of the ring.
Suave- Hello! Toomey with a top rope swinging DDT…NO! Sestak slips out and scores with a top rope missile drop kick!…now a hurricanrana…Sestak is on fire…kick to the head…Toomey’s down. Sestak covers. Two count. Now what he doing? Sestak is climbing to the top rope.
Sestak goes for a splash, but Toomey rolls out of the way.
Suave- No one home! Toomey pulls Sestak up…chop to the chest and you could hear that slap very clearly. A second chop by Toomey. He sets…DIAMOND CUTTER! DIAMOND CUTTER BY PAT TOOMEY. HE COVERS…ONE…TWO…I DON’T BELIEVE IT! SESTAK KICKED OUT!
Toomey can’t believe it either and has words with the referee.
Suave- Toomey’d better start paying attention to the match.
Sestak trips Toomey and rolls him up.
Suave- ROLL UP BY SESTAK…NO!
Toomey gets the shoulder up at two. Sestak goes up top for a split-leg moonsault.
Suave- Here he goes…NO! TOOMEY GOT THE KNEES UP! TOOMEY GRABS SESTAK…SCORPION DEATH DROP! GOOD NIGHT…ONE…TWO…THREE!
WINNER: Pat Toomey (R) @ 10:47
Suave- THE REPUBLICANS CONTINUE TO PILE UP THE WINS HERE AS PAT TOOMEY HOLDS OFF JOE SESTAK.
Mrs. Miyagi doesn’t look very happy, but smiles to make the fans cheer.
Mrs. Miyagi- Mrs. Miyagi heard the things that Ricky Michaels and Marty Lane said earlier. Let’s get this straight. I don’t think there’s a tag team in PCW that can beat the ‘Foul Pole’ Andy Golatta and Daniel-San when they are at their best. BUT, if someone did defeat us, even tonight, we wouldn’t be happy, but we could accept it. Why, because we respect the sport. We respect PCW. Tonight, Golatta and Daniel-San will join an elite group of people who’ve worn the PCW Tag Team Title Belts. Michaels and Lane…stop us if you can.
Suave- Well? I guess it’s that time. The wedding party has assembled in the ring and now we’re just waiting for the ceremony to begin. Inside the ring is one Charlie Blackwell…
Charlie Blackwell (I-American Heartland)
…standing next to his best man and tag team partner, ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido…
‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido
An organ plays a fanfare. Blackwell and Escondido turn around and face the aisle.
Suave- Here we go…
‘The Wedding March’ plays as Kenzie Blair…
…is escorted down the aisle by Tequila Sheila…
Kenzie is dressed in a white wedding dress and looks radiant as she walks up onto the stage of Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon.
Suave- Okay. They’ve got the bride and the groom. Where’s the pastor?
A trumpet fanfare interrupts Suave followed by a dense, layered note on a synthesizer.
Announcer- Ladies and gentlemen. I present to you the almost universally-worshipped king of the gods and all-father of creation. He commands the chariot that rode across the sky during the day. He is the great, fiery globe in the sky who is usually a welcome, nurturing presence and to honor the season. He is the inspiration for those who would throw virgins into the gaping maw of a volcano – perhaps an Icelandic volcano – even though such shenanigans haven’t been acceptable since the ’50s. And just for your reference, he is, for 28 years in a row, proven to be one of UC San Diego’s most enduring traditions in the Sun God festival- an all-day music festival celebrated by more than 20,000 students, alumni and friends. But that’s not important.
A bright spotlight illuminates a door in the back.
Announcer- Either way, you should thank your lucky stars and kiss his royal ass for gracing you with his presence here tonight. I give to you…the God of Sunshine…RAAAAAAAAH!
Nine bikini-clad, and tanned, females aka the Coppertone Tanning Bikini Team emerge from the door followed by two men carrying a golden sedan chair with a man dressed in long flowing robes. He’s followed by his minions- Bob Nye, Foot Fetish Guy, Lisa the Disgruntled Grocery Clerk, his new official spokesperson Michelle Hardaway, Missy Andrews, and Happy Mango, children’s show host. The procession makes its way to the ring where it stops at the ring apron. Rah then climbs out of his golden sedan chair and stands on the apron. Two of the bikini girls open the ropes and allow Rah to pass through.
Suave- RAH? THEY GOT RAH?
Rah moves to the middle of the ring and is surrounded by the Coppertone Tanning Bikini Girls, two golden sedan chair carrying guys, Lisa, Michelle, Nye, Missy, and Happy Mango. At a signal, his followers drops to their knees and bows to Rah.
Suave- FREAKIN’ RAH?
Rah- SILENCE! Today, we are here with Rah, the Sun-God, me, to join this man and this woman in the bonds of holy matrimony. Charlie and Kenzie have asked me, Rah, and so on and so on, to officiate tonight’s ceremony. So let’s get right down to it. Do you, Charlie Blackwell, take-
Cindy the Coppertone Tanning Bikini Girl suddenly begins to throw up.
Bambi- the Coppertone Tanning Bikini Girl- Ewwwwwwww.
Destiny- the Coppertone Tanning Bikini Girl- She’s been doing that for the past two days.
Rah does not look happy.
Cindy does not look very steady. Two of the Coppertone girls hold her up.
Cindy- I’m sorry, Rah.
Rah: Rah is not pleased about this interruption.
Lisa goes over and checks on her.
Lisa the Disgruntled Grocery Clerk- She’s sick, Rah.
Cindy throws up again.
Rah- Rah has noticed that you haven’t felt well…Rah would like to know is going on?
One of the ring techs throws a towel up and Lisa wipes off Cindy’s mouth.
Rah- Yes, my child.
Cindy(quietly)- I’m pregnant.
Rah bends down as if he didn’t quite hear what she said.
Rah- Rah is sorry. Rah didn’t quite understand-
Cindy- I SAID, I’M PREGNANT!
The crowd gasps.
It’s takes a few seconds for Rah’s entourage to follow comprehend what she said. Then they all turn to Rah.
Rah puts his hands up and backs away.
Cindy: It’s okay, Rah. It’s not yours.
Happy Mango- Then who’s is it?
Bob Nye- Foot Fetish Guy meekly raises his hand.
Happy Mango- No way!
Rah- No way.
Suave- She must have some good looking feet.
Happy Mango: Him?
Rah seems shocked.
Bob Nye-Foot Fetish Guy walks up to Cindy who still doesn’t look very good.
Bob Nye- Cindy. I promise that I’ll be the best father ever. Just think of the great looking feet our child will have.
Suave- Ain’t that the truth.
Cindy- Bob, you don’t have to worry about a thing.
Bob Nye- And why is that?
Cindy- Because. It’s not your baby!
Suave- Okay, this is getting good.
Bob Nye becomes very upset.
Bob Nye- It’s not my baby?
Cindy shakes her head no.
Bob Nye- Then whose is it?
Again, everyone turns to Rah.
Rah- It is NOT Rah’s child! Stop looking at me.
Suave- If it’s not Bob Nye’s or Rah’s kid…thank God…then who?
Man’s Voice: Come to me, my darling! Come and kneel before Zod!
Rah looks as if he’s seen a ghost.
The Mighty General Zod
2008 PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE
Suave- Oh, you’ve got to be kidding.
To Rah’s great consternation, General Zod, former candidate for President of the United States in 2008, saunters down the aisle. He climbs through the ropes and goes over to Cindy.
General Zod- Today begins a new order. Your possessions, your very life, (Zod looks down at her breasts) your huge tracts of land, will gladly be given in tribute to me, General Zod. In return for your obedience, you will enjoy my generous protection.
Rah- Wait! This simply cannot be true. You, (points at General Zod) who’s seventy three years old and without your superpowers since Superman II, and her? (points to Cindy)
General Zod- Yes. Cindy and I have been exclusive for several weeks now.
Cindy looks sheepishly away.
Cindy- Well? Not exactly.
The crowd gasps.
Suave- This keeps getting better.
Cindy: I’ve…I’ve been having an affair.
Charlie and Kenzie back up and lean against the ropes. Both watch this whole thing play out with wonderment.
General Zod- This is mockery and treachery of the highest order. I dare say that I promise swift and ruthless executions of those responsible.
Again, everyone turns to Rah.
Rah- Enough of the looking at Rah. For the last time, Rah is not the father of her child nor is Rah having an affair with Cindy!
General Zod- General Zod demands to know who!
Lisa the Disgruntled Grocery Clerk steps forward. Cindy motions her towards her and they passionately kiss each other and make out in the middle of the ring.
Suave- YES! YES! HOT LESBIAN ACTION!…oh, sorry. Well, I can’t believe I’m about to say this but…what will General Zod do?
General Zod slowly and methodically walks over to Lisa and Cindy. He suddenly grabs both by the hair.
General Zod: General Zod is hardcore! I’ll take them both!
Rah facepalms himself as Zod pulls Lisa and Cindy to his white haired chest and they both begin to kiss it.
The crowd begins to chant, “ZOD! ZOD!”
General Zod: Behold my power! All of you shall kneel before Zod’s mighty intergalactic jackhammer!
Suave- Okay, now I think I’m going to be sick.
General Zod- VOTE FOR ME IN 2012…OR DIE!
Everyone turns to Kenzie.
Kenzie- Are you going to marry us or what?
Rah sheepishly comes forward.
Rah- All right, Kenzie, do you?
Rah- Charlie, do you?
Charlie- Hell, yes.
Rah- Then by the power invested in me, blah-blah-blah, man and wife. Kiss the bride. This bit’s taken long enough as it is.
Charlie and Kenzie kiss and the crowd cheers.
Suave- So it’s official, Charlie Blackwell and Kenzie Blair are married…
Nancy Pelosi (D)
…and Harry Reid…
Harry Reid (D)
…sit in their office.
Pelosi- Well? This could be it.
Reid- At least you don’t have to wrestle tonight. Tonight is my last stand. Hopefully, when all is said and done, the calvary will come for me if I need it.
Pelosi- Harry, it’s a shame that we’re not given the due we deserve for what we’ve done for the country. I’ve decided if I’m going out, I’m going out big. If I can help keep the PCW Tag Titles and PCW Title in our camp, then I’ve at least accomplished something tonight.
Reid and Pelosi fist pump.
Reid and Pelosi- Good luck.
The International Hit Squad walks to the ring.
The International Hit Squad: Andy Golatta and Daniel-San w/Mrs. Miyagi (I)
Suave- HERE COMES THE INTERNATIONAL HIT SQUAD!
Golatta, Daniel-San, and Mrs. Miyagi climb into the ring.
Kimber- And their opponents, the reigning P-C-W Tag Team Champions, representing the Democrats…RICKY MICHAELS, MARTY LANE…THE KINGS OF OLD SCHOOL!
Suave- AND HERE COMES THE PCW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS, KINGS OF OLD SCHOOL. THE PCW TAG TEAM TITLE IS ON THE LINE!
Nancy Pelosi also accompanies Michaels and Lane to the ring.
Suave- There’s the bell…Michaels and Daniel-San to start.
Daniel-San drop toe-holds Michaels as he ran across the ring.
Suave- THEY’RE FIGHTING OUTSIDE TOO.
Galatta throws Lane into the barricade and follows with a Yakuza kick. Michael’s on the floor now. He hammers Golatta in the back and puts a boot to his throat.
Suave- Double team work on Golatta outside. Daniel-San down and tosses Lane into the guardrail. Michaels kicks Daniel-San. All four men outside the ring.
Daniel-San and Golatta go to shove the Kings head first into the barricade but are blocked. Running forearms by the Tag Team Champions. Lane gets shoved into the barricade by Golatta. Lane dodges a whipped Michaels and gets Daniel-San with chops. Michaels hits a nice flying crossbody on the Hit Squad.
Suave- Feverish action outside the ring. The battle goes back and forth. Michaels back in the ring now…and so is Daniel-San.
Michaels charges Daniel-San in the corner. Daniel-San side-steps. Michaels head first into the turnbuckle. Golatta in the ring now and Michaels is still down in the corner. Golatta and Daniel-San charge and drive Lane face-first into the corner turnbuckle. Michaels is up and tries to get the advantage on Daniel-San, but he’s backed into a corner. Golatta has Lane trapped in another corner. Golatta winds up with his right hand…
Suave- HEAD’S UP!
Golatta throws a thunderous right hand…that misses…low.
Suave- FOUL POLE! FOUL POLE!
Lane crumples up in the corner and lays in the fetal position. Michaels fights out and powerbombs Daniel-San. Michaels charges Golatta and the Foul Pole winds up again. Golatta again lands a low shot to the groin and Michaels is bent over.
Suave- HOLY CRAP! DANIEL-SAN!
Daniel-San takes Michaels’s legs out and launches himself up and over.
Suave- CATTLE MUTILATION! CATTLE MUTILATION!
Michaels frantically taps out.
Suave- THAT’S IT! WE’VE GOT NEW PCW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!
Female voice- WAIT A MINUTE! WAAAAAIT A MINUTE!
Nancy Pelosi climbs into the ring.
Pelosi- I don’t think so. Like it or not, I’m still the head of the PCW Competition Committee and I declare this match null and void.
Pelosi- That’s right! The Kings of Old School are still the Tag Team Champions and this match never took place!
Suave- Oh, the crowd is not happy. This is crap!
The crowd explodes when the owner of PCW, Bubba Jackson…
Bubba Jackson on far left.
…walks out. holding up a piece of paper.
Suave- OH, OH!
Bubba- Just hold on one second, Nancy. Now, I told you last week that you had one week to convince me that you should stay on as the head of the PCW Competition Committee.
Pelosi- And acting in my capacity as the Leader of the PCW Competition Committee, I am well within my rights to call things as I see fit until you formally remove me from power. So there’s nothing you can do.
Bubba- Well, actually…there is.
Bubba again holds up the piece of paper.
Bubba- I signed off on your termination papers…dated it…and most importantly, put the TIME on it. It says here I signed this about fifteen minutes ago- BEFORE you overturned the results of this match.
Bubba- So, the new PCW Tag Team Champions are, Andy Golatta and Daniel-San- THE INTERNATIONAL HIT SQUAD!
Pelosi fumes and throws a fit.
Bubba- And Nancy, you’re fired!
Suave- SHE’S GONE! PCW OWNER BUBBA JACKSON JUST FIRED NANCY PELOSI!
Crowd- NAH-NAH, NAH, NAH…NAH-NAH, NAH, NAH…HEY, HEY, HEY…GOOD-BYE!
Suave- Back with more after this…
Crowd- NAH-NAH, NAH, NAH…NAH-NAH, NAH, NAH…HEY, HEY, HEY…GOOD-BYE!
Harry Reid (D-Nevada) exits his dressing room and slowly makes his way down the hall.
Suave- Harry Reid is wrestling for his job tonight. Nancy Pelosi was fired earlier in the evening. Reid could suffer the same fate if he does not defeat Sharron Angle here tonight.
Harry Reid (D)
Sharron Angle (R-Nevada)
End Match Summary
…Angle tries to go up and over. Reid catches her and throws her to the outside…her face hits the steps!
Suave- Both Angle and Reid have thrown everything but the kitchen sink at each other.
Back inside, Reid with a series of rights and a flying forearm, then a side slam. Reid wants the body slam…he connects 1…2…no. Reid whips Angle into the ropes…Lou Thesz Press? 1…2…2.89! Spinning Tombstone by Reid…got it! 1…2…3!
WINNER: Harry Reid (D-Nevada) @ 8:23
Suave- We’ll I’ll be…Reid pulls it off and keeps his job. We’ve got the big Alaska showdown and the PCW title match coming up next.
Kimber in the ring for the next match.
Kimber- Our next match is a three-way dance. From the great State of Alaska, in the white corner, Independent- LISA MURKOWSKI!
Lisa Murkowski (I)
Kimber- Her opponent is in the red corner tonight. Representing the Republicans- JOE MILLER!
Joe Miller (R)
Kimber- And their opponent in the blue corner, Democrat SCOTT McADAMS!
Scott McAdams (D)
Suave- Well? This one could be very interesting.
The referee tries to give the wrestlers some instructions about the match but Murkowski apparently heard them before so she hits Miller in the nuts.
Suave- And we’re off…
The bell rings. To the floor they go. Miller Russian leg sweeps Murkowski into the barricade.
Suave- That’ll screw up your complexion. Kick to the head by Miller. He’s got someone’s glass of beer.
Miller piefaces Murkowski with the beer.
Suave- Seems like a waste of a perfectly good glass of beer.
Back inside the ring, McAdams just watches.
Miller props a chair in the corner of the barricade. He tries to whip Murkowski, she’s reverses it and Miller goes head first into the chair. Murkowski rams Miller into the barricade and spits in his face. She takes someone’s can of pop and smacks Miller with the can.
Suave- And Miller’s busted open.
Murkowski sets up two chairs on the floor and tries to suplex Miller onto them. Miller counters and gets the drop toehold into the chairs! Murkowski staggers up and gets blasted with a chair shot.
Suave- HOLY CRAP!
Miller pulls a bloodied Murkowski up and whips her into the steps. She finally rolls into the ring.
Suave- MURKOWSKI IS BUSTED OPEN BIG TIME!
Miller stomps on her. Then he sets up a chair. Miller sends Murkowski for the ride, she reverses and drop toeholds Miller into the chair with a sickening whack!
Suave- HOLY CRAP!
Murkowski grabs a sign from the crowd. She blasts Miller with it. Now she throws the sign down and grabs Miller by the head.
Suave- BULLDOG ON THE SIGN!
Murkowski pulls him up again and bulldogs Miller on to the sign a second time. She goes to the outside and fetches a ladder!
Suave- Oh, no, no, no…
Murkowski puts the ladder up over the top rope and goes to the ring apron. Miller drags himself up. Murkowski jumps to the floor and the ladder slingshots up and slams into Miller’s jaw. Ow.
Suave- HOLY CRAP! I THINK MILLER’S GOING TO NEED TO ACTIVATE HIS DENTAL PLAN AFTER THAT!
Murkowski doesn’t cover. Instead, she hangs Miller in the tree of woe. Then she climbs up the turnbuckle and stands on his nuts.
Suave- OW! OW! OW!
Murkowski puts the sign in front of Miller’s face. She steps back and hits the basement dropkick into the sign. Miller slides off the turnbuckle and melts into the mat.
Suave- Murkowski has Miller in la la land. She goes for the cover…one…two…NO!
‘The Alaskan Pitbull’ Sarah Palin (R)
Suave- IT’S THE ALASKAN PITBULL, SARAH PALIN! SHE JUST KILLED MURKOWSKI WITH A HOCKEY STICK SHOT.
Hockey stick shot number two to Murkowski from Palin. Hockey stick shot to McAdam’s (remember him?) back by Palin. Palin creams Murkowski with a trash can lid and then blasts her with a Teflon Skillet shot. McAdams gets up and Palin piefaces him with the skillet. The referee finally gets Palin out of the ring.
Suave- Murkowski is down. Miller is down. McAdams is down. How the hell is this going to end?
Miller is the first to move. He crawls over to McAdams and covers him.
Suave- MILLER! ONE…TWO…THREE!
ELIMINATED: Scott McAdams (D)
Suave- NOW, CAN HE MAKE IT OVER TO MURKOWSKI?
Miller pulls himself up and stumbles towards Murkowski. Out of nowhere, Murkowski’s up and she spears Miller.
Suave- GORE! GORE! GORE!
Palin tears towards the ring Murkowski hooks the leg. One…two…three.
Suave- MURKOWSKI PULLS IT OFF!
Palin’s too late to save Miller. But she and Murkowski start up again.
WINNER: Lisa Murkowski (I) @ 12:33
Murkowski and Palin brawl all the way to the back.
…stunned PCW Champion Yamamoto Tanaka…
…in forty-one seconds to become the first woman to win the PCW Title late last night at Extreme Election Night 2010.
The match itself was held up for forty-five minutes last night for some unknown reason. Berg waited patiently in the ring with her personal bodyguard Daisy Cutter-Bomb…
Daisy Cutter-Bomb (R)
…and her security detail until Tanaka finally came out looking as if he’d been hit by a truck. It was clear from the outset that something had taken place in the back before the match from the sluggish manner Tanaka moved in the ring. Jill-Berg hit a couple spinning heel kicks to the legs and then put a sleeper hold on the 350 pound Tanaka that sealed the deal.
Post match, Triple R…
Road Rage Randy (Triple R) (D)
…and the ‘One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism along with ‘The Genius’ Stephen Hawking…
…came out and took responsibility for attacking Tanaka in his dressing room prior to the match. Both men wanted to take him out because defeating Berg would be much easier and demanded a title shot at the next PCW show on November 15th.
PCW Extreme Election Night 2012 Card:
Arizona- Jeff Flake (R) vs. Rich Carmona (D)
Montana- Denny Rehberg (R) vs. Jon Tester (D)
Ohio- Sherrod Brown (D) vs. Josh Mandel (R)
Virginia- George Allen (R) vs. Tim Kaine (D)
Massachusetts- Scott Brown (R) vs. Elizabeth Warren (D)
Connecticut: Linda McMahon (R) versus Chris Murphy (D)
Missouri: Claire McCaskill (D) vs. Todd Akin (R)
PCW Tag Team Title Match:
Scott Walker’s Rangers: John and Ronnie Walker (R) © vs. Big Union: Big Labor and James the Jeep Worker (D)
PCW Women’s Title Match:
Jill Berg (R) © vs. C.J. Lewis (D)
PCW Title Match:
Triple R (D) © vs. P.M.C. Banks (R)
Plus, the decision- Barack Obama (D-IL) or Mitt Romney (R-MA) for PCW CEO
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