PCW is off this week. Here’s a replay of PCW Extreme Election Night 2008, the night Barack Obama was named PCW CEO
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PCW EXTREME ELECTION NIGHT 2008- November 4th from Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon, Wauseon, OH
HOST: Johnny Suave
The voice of PCW, Johnny Suave, stands in the ring with a life size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. The sell out crowd is on their feet.
Crowd: “JOHNNY SUAVE (clap clap clap-clap-clap)!”
Suave: “LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! JANUARY 3RD, 2008. DRAMA AT DES MOINES STARTED IN EARNEST THE ROAD THAT LEADS TO TONIGHT LIVE FROM HACK’S RUSTY NAIL SALOON IN WESTVILLE, OHIO. WELCOME TO PCW EXTREME ELECTION NIGHT…2008!” Crowd: “PCW…PCW…PCW!” Suave: “I AM JOHNNY SUAVE. THIS HOT PIECE OF CARDBOARD NEXT TO ME IS SHANIA TWAIN. WE HAVE A SELL-OUT CROWD HERE TONIGHT AND THEY ARE READY FOR SOME EXTREME POLITICAL WRESTLING!” Crowd: “PCW…PCW…PCW!” Suave: “ONE MORE TIME, THIS IS OUR CARD FOR TONIGHT!”
Suave and the life size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain exit the ring. A video package comes on the big screen behind the ring and quickly runs through the matches.
-Mixed Tag Team Three-Way Dance: Bill O’Reilly and ? from Fox News vs. MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann and ? vs. CNN’s Lou Dobb’s and ?
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-Minnesota Street Brawl: Al Franken (Progressive Alliance) vs. Norm Coleman (American Patriots)
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-Carolina Cat Fight: Elizabeth Dole (American Patriots) vs. Kay Hagan (Progressive Alliance)
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-New Hampshire Intergender Match: Jeanne Shaheen (Progressive Alliance) vs. John Sununu (American Patriots)
*
-PCW Television Title Match: FUBAR © (Independent) vs. ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido (Progressive Alliance)
*
-PCW Tag Team Title Match: Jack and Bull Schett © w/Horst Schett and Hans Gruber- the Extreme German Schnauzer (Progressive Alliance) vs. Big Oil w/Texas Tex and Kirk Walstreit- the man with the man crush on ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit (McMann Corp)
*
-PCW Women’s Title Match: ‘The Empress Queen of All Media’ Opal Winfree © w/Opal’s Flock- New Age Sensitive Guy and Soccer Mom (Progressive Alliance) vs. Kathryn Randall Collins aka KRC (McMann Corp)
*
Tonight’s Main Event:
-PCW Title Match: ‘The Original Rookie Sensation’ Starz N. Stripes © w/John McCain (American Patriots) vs. ‘The New Rookie Sensation’ O’Beck Bahama w/Barack Obama (Progressive Alliance)
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VIDEO PACKAGE: O’Beck Bahama and PCW Champion Starz N. Stripes
Announcer:“O’Beck Bahama arrived in PCW in early February to much fanfare and the full support of Barack Obama. Bahama won his first match on February 19th at Milwaukee Meltdown defeating Progressive Alliance stalwarts such as DLC and Triple R. He met Starz N. Stripes (American Patriots) and Halitosis (Independent) for the PCW title at Day of Judgment. Bahama acquitted himself well but in the end come up short against the more experienced Starz N. Stripes.”
REPLAY from March 4th BCEW Day of Judgment
It comes down to the ‘Original Rookie Sensation’ Starz N. Stripes and the ‘New Rookie Sensation’ O’Beck Bahama. Starz puts on a wrestling clinic, constantly staying one step ahead of the inexperienced Bahama. Armbar by Starz. Bahama reverses to a half nelson. Starz reverses that into a fireman’s carry takedown and then a chinlock. Bahama twists and escapes. Dropkick by Bahama. Chop by Starz. Irish whip by Starz reversed by Bahama followed with a suplex. Bahama misses a leg drop. Starz bounces up, lifts him up, and back suplexes Bahama. A second back suplex by Starz. Bahama wildly charges. Starz sidesteps. Bahama bounces off the ropes and Starz delivers a Death Valley Driver. Cover. 1…2…3…and we’ve got a new champion.
Announcer: “Starz and Bahama met for a second time April 1st at Night of Champions. This match never got off the ground thanks to some interference from Triple R…”
REPLAY from April 1st BCEW Night of Champions
Both men shake hands as a sign of respect. The bell rings. Starz and Bahama lock up. And Triple R runs in and belts Bahama in the back. Dean, Pelosi, and Reid are swallowed by the scrum as the Left Wing Bloggers surge ahead and engage the Clinton Political Pitbulls. Triple R kicks away at Bahama. Triple R then turns and takes a couple shots at the BCEW champion. Suave: “IT’S TOTAL PANDEOMONIUM HERE!” Triple R wails away at Starz in the corner. Big Oil shows up out of nowhere. Suave: “BIG OIL’S OUT HERE TO EVEN THE ODDS!” The big guy rumbles into the ring. He looks at Triple R. He looks at Starz. He lifts Starz up and chokeslams him to the canvas. Suave: “WHAT? BIG OIL JUST CHOKESLAMMED THE BCEW CHAMPION! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?” Triple R nods and piledrives Bahama. Then both men throw Starz and Bahama out of the ring. Suave: “WHY? WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?”
Announcer: “Then two months later, Starz N. Stripes and O’Beck Bahama met again at PCW Loose Cannons 4. This time, no interference. Bahama pushed Starz to the limit but again just came up short…”
REPLAY from June 9th PCW Loose Cannons 4
Bahama hits another neckbreaker out of nowhere. The referee counts to two before the champion gets a shoulder up in time. Suave: “WHAT A MATCH! THIS IS THE BEST BAHAMA HAS LOOKED YET!” Bahama climbs to the top rope but Starz crotches him on the top turnbuckle. Bahama tied in the tree of woe. McCain throws Starz a chair. Baseball slide and Bahama is potatoed with the chair. Roll up. Obama again pulls the referee’s attention away. McCain slams his hands on the canvas in frustration. Starz releases the hold. Suave: “Barack Obama again saves O’Beck Bahama from…WAIT A MINUTE! HERE COMES JOE LIEBERMAN!” Lieberman and Obama continue their debate from earlier in the night. Bahama gets up and sees Obama arguing with Lieberman. He turns his back on Starz and leans across the ropes. Starz slaps on the American Stars Double Fuji Bar submission hold and drives Bahama to the canvas. The referee is right there. Obama can’t get past Lieberman. O’Beck taps out.
Announcer: “On September 9th, Starz, Bahama, and Green World Order member Brock Cole Lee met up on PCW Extreme Political TV. But it was the McMann Corporation who stole the show.”
REPLAY from September 9th PCW Extreme Political TV
The second the referee calls for the bell, Mr. McMann and his new corporation suddenly return. Suave: “What the hell? They’re back?” Quadruple R, Bradley Scott Wilson, Richard Emerson Brantley III, and Kathryn Randall Collins hit the ring and attack. A scrum develops with the four contestants for the PCW title. Now working together, O’Beck, Starz, Nic Koteen, and Brock Cole Lee fight back against McMann’s corporation. Huge brawl develops. The ref scrubs the match and the free-for-all continues.
Announcer: “One week later, they met up again.”
REPLAY from September 23rd PCW Extreme Political TV
Libertarian Bob Barr walks out with Politically Incorrect’s Nic Koteen, Pith Lord Darth (Ralph) Nader, and ‘Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee(Green World Order) and demands to know why neither Koteen or Lee were included in tonight’s match. Suave notes that both men were screwed out of their PCW title shot at Lock and Load 3. Nader pithily observes ‘this proves there’s no difference between the American Patriots and the Progressive Alliance!” Bahama turns away from Starz to see what the commotion is. Starz charges and crunches Bahama into the ropes and then flips him over his head. One…two…three. Suave: “Again, the PCW champion is able to outsmart the younger, inexperienced O’Beck Bahama and…HOLY CRAP!” Cut to Barack Obama lying on the floor and John McCain walking away with a Singapore cane in hand.
Announcer: “The next week, a final match is set for PCW Extreme Election Night 2008. So now, it comes down to this. The final shot at the PCW title for the ‘New Rookie Sensation’ O’Beck Bahama. With Barack Obama in his corner, can he finally reach the top- the PCW title? Or will the experience of the ‘Original Rookie Sensation’ Starz N. Stripes and John McCain be the difference again? We’ll find out tonight.”
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Suave and the cardboard cut-out are now sitting at their broadcast table.
*
Suave:And tonight, PCW Owner Bubba Jackson will announce who will be the next CEO of PCW. Will it be ‘The Natural’ Barack Obama (Progressive Alliance)? Or will it be ‘Straight Shootin” John McCain (American Patriots)? Let’s to go the back.”
BACKSTAGE
PCW Investigative Reporter Woodward Bernstein talks with PCW Owner Bubba Jackson. Bubba is flanked by two Westville city police officers.
Bernstein: “Bubba, tonight you name the new PCW CEO. Are you leaning towards one person?”
Jackson: “Possibly. But I want to go through the interviews I did with all four as well as review everything that’s happened the past eleven months here in PCW before I make my final decision.”
Bernstein: “So, you’re essentially locking yourself in your office until you decide.”
Jackson: “Pretty much.”
Bernstein: Okay. One last question. It’s no secret that you and ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann have openly feuded over the years. The old BCEW Political Cable Show. The BCEW-EECW War. Now he comes back with the McMann Corporation. This is what he said last week.”
REPLAY- 10/28-PCW Extreme Political TV
‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann slams open the door of his corporate suite and marches in. Gordon Guyko, Bradley Scott Wilson Esq, Rough Justice, Daisy Cutter-Bomb, Big Oil, KRC, Quadruple R, and Kirk Walsteit follow. D.B. Ruff of Rough Justice tries to apologize; McMann waves him away. McMann confers with Guyko and Wilson. McMann: “It’s not anyone’s fault. I should have anticipated something like this happening.” Guyko: “Maybe we need to get you a full-time bodyguard.” McMann’s eyes light up. McMann: “You’re right. And I know just the person who’ll fit the bill. But it’s going to take some…prodding, you know.” Guyko smiles and pulls out a wad of cash. Guyko: “I know. Greed is good. Greed is really, really good.”
Bernstein: “Are you concerned?” Jackson: “Sure, I am. The McMann Corporation has put at least five of our wrestlers out of commission in the past few weeks. Yes, I’m concerned. But I’ve been at this for almost four years now and I’ve learned that sometimes you have to take a step back in order to take two forward.” Bernstein: “Thanks, Bubba.”
Bubba goes into his office and shuts the door. The two police officers station themselves in front of the door.
Suave: “We don’t know when Bubba will come out and make the formal announcement but-…hold on. Why are the women from The View walking up the aisle? And…that’s Charlene Ann Beckworth, our ring announcer. Okay. Let’s go to the ring.”
Charlene Ann: “LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! OUR FIRST MATCH WILL BE A HANDICAP MATCH. THE SPECIAL REFEREE WILL BE BARBARA WALTERS! IN THIS CORNER, ELISABETH HASSELBECK! IN THE OTHER CORNER, WHOOPI GOLDBERG, JOY BEHAR, AND SHERRI SHEPHERD!” Suave: “Hey! It’s three against one, just like the TV show.”
MATCH #1 The View Handicap Match-Special Referee Barbara Walters
WHOOPI GOLDBERG, JOY BEHAR, SHERRI SHEPHERD (Progressive Alliance)
vs. ELISABETH HASSELBECK (American Patriots)
Suave: “All right then. This is our special added attraction match.” The bell rings. Hasselbeck and Goldberg to begin. Suave: “I also question how ‘fair’ Barbara Walters is going to be in refereeing this match. Hasselbeck starts fast. She slams Goldberg down and lays the boots to her. Side headlock. Shepherd in to help Goldberg escape. Goldberg gets a leg trip and then an arm bar. Tag to Shepherd. Double ax smash and drop toehold. Hasselbeck whipped into the ropes. A shoulder block by Shepherd and then a cover for 2. A very quick 2 count. Hasselbeck momentarily glares at Walters and allows Shepherd to work her arm, tag to Goldberg and she continues works the arm. Hasselbeck reserves, Goldberg kicks her and then stun guns her off the ropes. Whip back into the corner and Hasselbeck gets mugged by both Behar and Shepherd. Spinning kick by Goldberg. She slams Hassebeck’s head to the mat repeatedly and then tags in Behar. Double team elbow drop to Hasselbeck and then Behar slaps a choke hold on her. Goldberg hits with kicks to Hasselbeck. Now Shepherd in and they triple team her. Hasselbeck sent to the corner. Shepherd goes for the splash. Hasselbeck moves. Behar eats a big boot. Hasselbeck throws her through the ropes to the floor. Goldberg and Hasselbeck trade shots. Hasselbeck off the ropes and charges. Shoulder block. Hasselbeck covers. 1…………2…… Shepherd finally pulls Hasselbeck off. Suave: “OH, COME ON!”
Behar back in. She ties Hasselbeck up and then puts her in the STF. Walters asks Hasselbeck if she wants to quit. Hasselbeck screams no. Behar cinches it in even more. Walters asks her again. Same result. Behar releases the hold and Hasselbeck slumps to the canvas. Behar pulls her back up by the hair. Hasselbeck is woozy and wobbly. Suave: “Just end it already.” Pancake slam. Behar covers. Goldberg covers. Shepherd covers. Quick 3 count by Walters. Match over.
WINNER: WHOOPI GOLDBERG, JOY BEHAR, SHERRI SHEPHERD
Suave: “Well, considering it was three against one…actually…four against one if you count Barbara Walters…I thought Elisabeth held her-…HOLY CRAP! THEY’RE NOT DONE YET!” Goldberg and Shepherd hold Hasselbeck up. Behar slaps her and starts jawing. Behar slaps her again. She puts Hasselbeck back in the STF. Suave: “THAT’S ENOUGH! THAT’S ENOUGH!” Behar releases the hold. Goldberg and Shepherd drape her over the top rope and start choking her out. Suave: “YOU’VE WON THE MATCH. LEAVE HER-” A deafening cheer erupts. Suave: “IT’S SARAH PALIN!” The Alaskan Pitbull charges to the ring with her hockey stick. Immediately, Goldberg and Shepherd bail out of the ring leaving Behar behind. Crowd: “SARAH’S GOING TO KILL YOU! (clap clap clap-clap-clap) SARAH’S GOING TO KILL YOU! (clap clap clap-clap-clap) *THWACK* Suave: “HOLY CRAP! PALIN NAILS BEHAR WITH THE HOCKEY STICK!” Behar’s stunned and stumbles right back into Palin’s wheelhouse. *THWACK* Palin connects a second time and sends Behar over the top rope, pinwheeling to the floor. Suave: “SARAH PALIN CLEANS HOUSE!”
Barbara Walters helps Behar to the back. Palin attends to Hasselbeck.
DR. BILL PROMO
Dr. Bill: “FUBAR, when I took you in June of this year, I took in a broken man. A man who’d been an abject failure. I took you in and nourished you, gave you the benefit of my vast knowledge and wisdom. How do you repay me? By leaving me out of the MOST IMPORTANT MATCH OF YOUR LIFE! YOU’D BETTER LISTEN TO DR. BILL BECAUSE DR. BILL IS LISTENING TO YOU! AND I HEAR SOMEONE WHO’S UNGRATEFUL. SOMEONE WHO THINKS HE KNOWS THE QUICKEST WAY BETWEEN A AND B. LET ME TELL YOU FUBAR, THE QUICKEST WAY FROM A TO B IS NOT ALWAYS AT THE MOST FEVERISH PACE! I GOT YOU THE PCW TELEVISION TITLE! AND THIS IS THE THANKS I GET. (takes deep breath) FUBAR, a wise man once said ‘the most you get is what you ask for,’ actually, I said that. You’ve asked for it, FUBAR. Life’s a marathon; not a sprint. You’ll see soon enough why I did the things I did for you. To protect you and your meager talent…………….and you know that, FUBAR. But as another wise man once said…actually, I’ll admit it- I said that one too, awareness without action is worthless. And failure is no accident.”
Suave: All right, Dr. Bill there venting because PCW Television Champion FUBAR is defending his title for the first time without him in his corner against ‘No Frill’s Chris Escondido.”
VID RECAP-ESCONDIDO vs. FUBAR FEUD:
9/30- PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV: After FUBAR defeats Michael Hunt, a swinging neckbreaker by Escondido lays out the TV champ. Again, Escondido runs down FUBAR as a ‘glorified jobber’ and ‘talent enhancement.’ Escondido demands a title shot but Dr. Bill says no. Dean and Escondido then assault Dr. Bill but then the Jobbers aka Talent Enhancement run out. Jimmy from So Cal, the Jim Rome Clone wannabe come to his aid.
*
10/14- PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV: FUBAR defeats Halitosis when Dr. Bill directly interferes and helps him win. Escondido tells FUBAR that he can’t beat him without Dr. Bill. Escondido: “You’re nothing without Dr. Bill.” Escondido leaves an anxious FUBAR looking at Dr. Bill.
*
10/21- PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV: FUBAR wrestling the Jim Rome Clone wannabe, Jimmy from So Cal. FUBAR in control of match. Dr. Bill, though, still whaps Jimmy in the head with his clipboard. Escondido comes out again and demands his title shot. Dr. Bill tells Escondido ‘there’s no way in hell he’s getting a title match.’
*
10/28- PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV: Dr. Bill interferes again in FUBAR’s match against Richard Headd. Escondido gets on the mic but FUBAR snaps and goes off on him. FUBAR accepts Escondido’s challenge and told Dr. Bill that he was going this one alone.”
MATCH #2 PCW Television Title Match
‘No Frills’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO
vs. FUBAR © (Independent)
Suave: “This is all about respect for the Television Champion. FUBAR wants respect from Escondido. Escondido wants the PCW Television Title.” The bell sounds.
Suave: “And here we go.” FUBAR and Escondido meet in the middle of the ring and start trash talking. Escondido shoves FUBAR to start. FUBAR slaps on a headlock. Escondido powers out and whips FUBAR into the ropes. Escondido does a handspring into a hurracanrana. FUBAR right back up. Escondido sweeps the leg for a single leg takedown. Hammerlock by Escondido. FUBAR rolls out of it but Escondido whips him into the corner for a 10 punch. Dropkick by Escondido. Then he slams him shoulder first into the corner. Escondido bodyslams FUBAR. Leg drop.
Suave:“This is a wrestling clinic by Escondido. FUBAR looks totally outmatched out there.”Escondido goes up, but misses the double knee drop. FUBAR hits a jumping back kick. He sends Escondido to the corner and then nails him with a spinning wheel kick. FUBAR goes up and hits a flying crossbody. He covers…1…2. Escondido pulls FUBAR into the corner, but misses the big splash. FUBAR counters with a moonsault. FUBAR with lefts and rights. Irish whip into the ropes…back body drop.
Suave: “FUBAR with momentum now. Chops to Escondido. FUBAR to the top rope…MISSILE DROPKICK! ESCONDIDO IS REELING NOW.” FUBAR presses the attack. Kick to the midsection. Neckbreaker. Small package roll up. 1…2…NO! Escondido gets the shoulder up in time. FUBAR goes for the vertical suplex…gets it. Escondido is driven into the canvas hard.
Suave: “FUBAR to the top rope. He leaps…AND MISSES! ESCONDIDO ROLLED AWAY JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME! ANKLE LOCK! ESCONDIDO LOCKS IN THE ANKLE LOCK! FUBAR HAS NO WHERE TO GO. HE TRIES TO GET TO THE ROPES BUT ESCONDIDO HAS HIM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING. FUBAR DESPERATELY TRYING TO- HE TAPS! FUBAR TAPS OUT AND WE HAVE A NEW PCW TELEVISION CHAMPION!
WINNER AND NEW PCW TELEVISION CHAMPION: ‘No Frills’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO
Suave: ESCONDIDO WINS THE PCW TELEVISION CHAMPION BELT FOR THE SECOND TIME! Escondido has a mic and he’s going to say something. Escondido: FUBAR! I have to admit, you put on one hell of a fight tonight.” The sellout crowd at Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon agrees. Escondido: “I’m man enough to admit that I may have misjudged you. Even though you lost the Television belt tonight, and I know it’s a small consolation, but you’ve earned my respect. FUBAR, great match!” Escondido extends a hand to FUBAR. FUBAR takes it and they shake. Suave: “Well, it looks like both men got what they wanted tonight!’ The new champion ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido walks to the back *WHAP*…what the h- DR. BILL JUST KNOCKED FUBAR INTO A DIFFERENT TIME SIZE WITH THAT SHOT!” Dr. Bill hits FUBAR over and over with his clipboard. Then he demands a microphone. Dr. Bill: “FUBAR. What did I tell you? You were nothing before and after tonight you’ll be nothing again. Winners like me, don’t hang around losers like you-” Suave: “ESCONDIDO’S BACK! HE GRABS DR. BILL…NECKBREAKER! NECKBREAKER! ANKLE LOCK! ANKLE LOCK!” Escondido cinches in the ankle lock and Dr. Bill is in extreme pain. Dr. Bill quickly tries to tap out but Escondido doesn’t release the hold. Several referees run out and finally Escondido releases the ankle lock. Dr. Bill rolls around holding his fight in major discomfort.
Suave: “While Nurse Nellie and the PCW Clean up Crew come out to check on Dr. Bill, let’s go backstage with PCW Investigative Reporter Woodward Bernstein.”
BACKSTAGE
PCW Investigative Reporter Woodward Bernstein is with PCW Women’s Champion Opal Winfree. Bernstein: “Opal, any thoughts about your match tonight?” Winfree: “Woodward, Kathryn Randall Collins is a formidable opponent. She beat me back in January for the title so I won’t underestimate her.” Bernstein: “What about the McMann Corporation? Given the havoc they’ve wreaked over the past couple weeks, does their involvement concern you?” Winfree: “No. I’ll have my flock, New Age Sensitive Guy and Soccer Mom, with me as always. And Barack Obama has my back; just like I have his. All I can do is bring hope to the ring and I will prevail.”
AMERICAN PATRIOTS LOCKER ROOM
‘Straight Shootin’ John McCain comes up to John Sununu. McCain: “John. Look, I’m sorry about the mix-up last week. We’ve been having trouble with Tina Fey impersonating Sarah Palin. But, I do offer my help-” Sununu: “Thanks John, but no thanks. Your campaign for PCW CEO has been floundering and I’m in big trouble. I went ahead and took care of back up myself.” Sununu walks out.
PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE LOCKER ROOM
Jeanne Shaheen walks up to Barack Obama. Shaheen: “Barack, I’m a little concerned about tonight’s match. Last week, Tina Fey helped me but I’m thinking the American Patriots are going to be looking for her this time.” Obama: “Jeanne, leave it to me. I’ve got everything under control.”
MATCH #3 New Hampshire Intergender Match
JEANNE SHAHEEN (Progressive Alliance)
vs. JOHN SUNUNU (American Patriots)
Suave: “Two weeks ago, Tina Fey snuck in and took out Sununu. What does Obama have in mind to help Shaheen win tonight?” Shaheen goes right after Sununu. Rights to Sununu. Sununu pushes her down. Shaheen pops back up. A dropkick to Sununu. Sununu sends Shaheen out of the ring. Suave: “That was a tough fall. Shaheen’s a little shaken up…HERE COMES ‘DEFENSE EXPERT’ HALLIE BURTON AND NEAL CONN…making foreign policy as paramount responsibility of government, seeing the need for the U.S. acting as the world’s sole superpower as indispensable to establishing and maintaining global order. I have to read that whenever I say Neal Conn by the way.” Burton gets an Enziguri and beats down Shaheen a bit. Hangman’s DDT on the floor.
The music of Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop” suddenly starts to play. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! IS THAT WHO I THINK IT IS?” The crowd explodes. A spotlight points out a plaid shirted man with a Singapore cane and a cup of mocha appears on the second floor of Hack’s. Suave: “IT’S HIM! HE’S HERE! HE’S BACK!” Sununu can’t believe it. Suave: “HE’S BACK! IT’S THE TREE HUGGIN’, MOCHA CHUGGIN’, TOBACCO COMPANY BUGGIN’ ALPHA MALE AND ENVIROMENTAL EXTREME HARDCORE ICON- AL GORE!” The crowd sings the chorus “Don’t stop, thinking about tomorrow.” Gore holds up his mocha, inside an environmentally friendly biodegradable container of course, and chugs it down. Then he spews it out of his mouth into the crowd and then crushes the paper container on his forehead in a manly fashion. Suave: “HE’S BACK HERE IN PCW!” The Environmental Extreme Hardcore Icon walks down the steps to the main floor. At the bottom of the steps, Gore pulls out another container of mocha, guzzles it down, spews it into the crowd, and then smashes the container on his forehead. Gore then wades through the main floor crowd to the bar area. He climbs up on the bar, pulls out yet another cup of mocha, guzzles that one down, spews it into the crowd, and then smashes the container on his forehead. Suave: “Say what you will about Al Gore. But the man knows how to make an entrance.”
Burton and Conn watch Gore closely. Suave: Even with Gore out there, Shaheen still outside- HERE COMES THE CLINTON POLITICAL PITBULLS!” James Carville and Paul Begala aka the Clinton Political Pitbulls attack Burton and Conn from behind. Suave: “CARVILLE AND BEGALA ARE ALL OVER HALLIE BURTON AND NEAL CONN! SUNUNU’S NOT WATCHING. GORE’S IN THE RING!” Distracted, Sununu focuses on the mayhem outside and not on Gore. Sununu finally senses someone’s up. He slowly turns around and sees Gore. Sununu puts his hands up and backs into a corner. Suave: “SUNUNU’S TRYING TO BEG OFF *THWACK* AND IT’S NOT GOING TO WORK! *THWACK* HOLY CRAP!” Sununu spins around and flops to the canvas. Suave: “SHAHEEN BACK IN THE RING…COVERS…ONE…TWO…THREE!”
WINNER: JEANNE SHAHEEN
Shaheen, Gore, Carville, and Begala are joined by Hillary and Bill Clinton in the ring. Hillary holds Shaheen’s arm up in victory. Suave: “That’s three for three for the Progressive Alliance so far tonight. We’re going backstage again with PCW Investigative Reporter Woodward Bernstein.”
BACKSTAGE
PCW Owner Bubba Jackson’s office. Suave: “Inside that office, PCW Owner Bubba Jackson is in the process of deciding the next PCW CEO. Will it be Barack Obama from the Progressive Alliance? Or will the American Patriots’ John McCain take the job? We will found out soon enough.”
BACKSTAGE
At the back entrance to Hack’s, a large limousine has pulled up. The door opens and out come the McMann Corporation. Each member wears a nice suit or suit outfit. Bernstein tries to catch Kathryn Randall Collins as she walks by. Bernstein: “KRC? KRC! Can I have a word with-” Corporate Spokesman Bradley Scott Wilson Esq. pushes Bernstein back as the group files into a private area. Wilson: “No comment.” The door slams shut behind Wilson. Bernstein: “Back to you, Johnny.”
Suave: “The McMann Corporation looks all business tonight…literally.”
CNN’s Lou Dobbs and Campbell Brown walk down the hallway towards the ring. Brown: “Lou, I don’t know if I’m really comfortable doing this. I’m not a wrestler.” Dobbs: “Don’t worry about a thing, Campbell. The two clowns, O’Reilly and Olbermann, hate each others guts. My guess is that the partners that they chose probably hate each others guts, too.”
Suave: “Okay. We now know that Campbell Brown will be Lou Dobbs’ partner tonight. Hopefully…hold on…”
MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow walk down another hallway.
Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly and Syndicated Columnist Ann Coulter are shown in another hallway.
Suave: “There you have it. That’s your mixed tag team three-way dance participants tonight. But before the match starts, we have a special, special treat for you. The official house band of Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon. Playing their brand new song ‘Keith.’ Here are the Black Swamp Pirates!” The crowd stands and cheers as the Pirates come out and plug themselves in. The lead singer, Junior Jackson, strums his acoustic guitar and steps up to the mic. Jackson: “This is our ode to Keith Olbermann. It’s called ‘Keith.’”
*
Jackson (sings):
Keith, you hit it big at ESPN
But then your tenure there came to an abrupt end
I know it seems so silly
They won’t let you back in the building
Even when you went back, and worked for them again
*
“Keith, you didn’t let them keep you down
So you traveled on from town to different town
Fox Sports didn’t work out well
MSNBC the first time was hell
Cause Bill Clinton, and Monica was going down
*
“But on Countdown, you found the thing that finally worked
So you became even more of an overbearing elitist jerk
And now you just don’t care
Compared to you Fox News is balanced and fair
And you make good ol’ Ann Coulter seem almost moderate to us
*
All right, let’s go now…
(Big Chorus)
“Keith
You’re the hero of the left.
And the cultural elitists
Who think they’re better than the rest
With your furrowed brow
Your mocking smile
Special Comments serious and terse
I might be the worst person in the world
But you’re the biggest @######, in the whole wide universe
*
All right, everyone follow the bouncing ball and sing along!
*
Keith
You’re the hero of the left.
And the cultural elitists
Who think they’re better than the rest
With your furrowed brow
Your mocking smile
And Special Comments serious and terse
I might be the worst person in the world
But you’re the biggest @######, in the whole wide universe
You said, I was the worst person in the world
But you’re still the biggest @######, in the whole wide universe
*
The Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon crowd give them a standing ovation. Johnny Suave even gives them a standing ovation.Keith Olbermann steams out and points at the Black Swamp Pirates.
Olbermann: “Y-you…are all- the WORST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD!”
Maddow joins him. Dobbs and Brown come out next followed by O’Reilly and Coulter. Immediately, O’Reilly and Coulter and Olbermann and Maddow start jabbering back and forth.
MATCH #4
MSNBC’S KEITH OLBERMANN and RACHEL MADDOW (Progressive Alliance)
vs. BILL O’REILLY of Fox News and ANN COULTER (American Patriots)
vs. CNN’S LOU DOBBS and CAMPBELL BROWN (Independent)
Suave: “This is going to be fun!” The bell sounds. Immediately, Olbermann races across the ring and goes after O’Reilly. Coulter and Maddow hook up in the middle. Dobbs and Brown just hang out in their corner. O’Reilly throws Olbermann over the top rope to the floor. Olbermann gets right back up and pulls O’Reilly’s legs out from under him. He pulls him out of the ring and they start going at it. Olbermann rams O’Reilly’s head into the railing. Clothesline. O’Reilly falls backward over the guardrail into the crowd. Olbermann climbs up the guardrail and lands a flying elbow on O’Reilly. Olbermann is handed a steel folding chair. *WHAP* Olbermann winds up again. *WHAP* O’Reilly kicks the chair into his face. Now O’Reilly with a chair. *WHAP* Olbermann spins like a slow moving top. Chair on the ground Suave: “DDT ON THE CHAIR! OLBERMANN’S BUSTED WIDE OPEN.” O’Reilly drags Olbermann up to the edge of the stage and heaves him over the edge, five feet below to the wooden floor. Suave: “O’Reilly’s set to jump. OH, WOW! OLBERMANN GOT HIS FOOT UP AND O’REILLY GOT A BOOT TO THE BALLS! THAT’S GOTTA HURT!” O’Reilly bent over at an angle. Olbermann grabs a dirty plate off a waitress tray and breaks it over O’Reilly’s head. Suave: “O’REILLY’S BUSTED OPEN NOW! OLBERMANN’S GOT A FORK…HOLY CRAP!” More blood spurts out from Olbermann jabbing the fork into O’Reilly’s forehead. Suave: “O’Reilly pounds the floor in agony! NO! OLBERMANN’S GOING FOR A PILEDRIVER ON THE WOODEN FLOOR!” Olbermann gets O’Reilly up. O’Reilly’s so tall though that Olbermann can’t keep his balance. Olbermann and O’Reilly both fall backwards and the MSNBC star catches his head on one of the chairs going down. Suave: “BOTH MEN ARE DOWN AND NOT MOVING VERY MUCH!”
Dobbs and Brown lean over the ring ropes and watch the action.
Suave: “Okay, if Dobbs and Brown are still in the ring, what happened to Coulter and Maddow…what…we’ve got a portable camera following them. Where? Oh…the bathroom. Might have guessed.” Maddow goes for the Irish whip. Coulter reverses and slingshots Maddow into the bathroom door. Maddow staggers back. Coulter atomic drops her. Coulter puts her hand under the soap dispenser. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! SOAP IN THE EYES! SOAP IN THE EYES! MADDOW CAN’T SEE!” Maddow tries to find the sink to wash her eyes out. Coulter takes her by the hair and heaves her at the bathroom door again. Trash can shot. Maddow’s bleeding now. Coulter takes a step forward and slips on the soap on the floor. Her legs fly out from under her and the back of her head hits hard on the floor.
Olbermann slams O’Reilly into the steps leading up to the second floor. O’Reilly had just set up two tables just below the edge of the second floor. O’Reilly kicks Olbermann in the chest and sends him flying. O’Reilly with an empty beer bottle. Swings…misses. Olbermann low blows O’Reilly and swats the beer bottle away. Olbermann jumps on O’Reilly’s back and deliberately tries to choke him out.
Maddow in control in the women’s room. She goes to the soap dispenser and covers her hand in soap. Then she sticks it in Coulter’s mouth. Coulter gags and desperately tries to remove Maddow’s hand from her mouth. Finally, she bites down hard on the hand and Maddow yelps. Coulter reaches the sink and tries to wash out the soap taste. Maddow grabs her arm and whips her into a stall. She charges to follow up. Coulter kicks the stall door shut on Maddow’s face. Maddow pulls herself up and tries again. Same result. This time, Maddow grabs the trash can and heaves it over the wall into the stall. Then she charges in and flails away at Coulter. Maddow grabs Coulter by the hair and slams her face into the wall. Then the other wall. She takes the porcelain cover off the commode and plasters it over Coulter’s head. Coulter’s eyes roll up into her head and she slides to the bathroom floor. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! I THINK SHE JUST KNOCKED HER OUT!” Maddow stumbles out of the stall and falls on the soap spot on the floor. She crawls to the door and exits the bathroom.
Dobbs and Brown continue to hang out in the ring. Dobbs: “See? What’d I tell you?”
Suave: “Maddow coming back towards the ring…oh, no. WHAT THE HELL IS O’REILLY AND OLBERMANN DOING ON THE SECOND FLOOR?” O’Reilly and Olbermann, both extremely battered and exhausted, try desperately to get the upper hand. Left by O’Reilly. Right by Olbermann. Left by O’Reilly. Right by Olbermann. Right by Olbermann. O’Reilly backs up to the railing overlooking the first floor. Left by O’Reilly misses. Right by Olbermann. Kick by Olbermann. Right by Olbermann. Olbermann then backs up a few steps. Suave: “Oh, no. This can’t end good.”
*
Olbermann runs towards O’Reilly. Clothesline. O’Reilly up and over the railing but he grabs Olbermann’s arm and pulls him with him. Both men fall twenty feet down through the two tables set up below.
Suave: “HOLY CRAP!”
Crowd: “HOLY S***!…HOLY S***!”
Suave: “I DON’T BELIEVE IT! OLBERMAN AND O’REILLY JUST FELL TWENTY-FIVE FOOT THROUGH TWO TABLES!”
Crowd:“THIS IS AWESOME! (clap clap clap-clap-clap)…THIS IS AWESOME! (clap clap clap-clap-clap)” O’Reilly and Olbermann aren’t moving in the wreckage of the two tables. The referee immediately calls for Nurse Nellie and the PCW Clean up Crew.Maddow staggers out on the floor.
Crowd: “SHE’S HARDCORE!…SHE’S HARDCORE!”
Suave: “MADDOW’S BACK OUT…AND SHE’S A MESS.” Maddow somehow makes it back to the ring and crawls back in.
Crowd: “SHE’S HARDCORE!…SHE’S HARDCORE!” She stands back up…and falls right back down. Dobbs looks at Brown. Brown walks over. Roll up. 1…2…3.
WINNER: CNN’S LOU DOBBS AND CAMPBELL BROWN (Independent)
Suave: “THAT’S IT! LOU DOBBS AND CAMPBELL BROWN PLAY IT SMART AND LET OLBERMANN AND O’REILLY AND MADDOW AND COULTER DESTROY EACH OTHER!” Nurse Nellie and the PCW Clean up Crew attend to Olbermann and O’Reilly. Suave: “It’s going to take a few minutes to clean this up. And I hope someone is checking on Ann Coulter in the bathroom.”
JACK AND BULL SCHETT PROMO
The PCW Tag Team Champions have some stuff to get off their chest. Bull: “Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit may have all the money in the world, corporate connections, wealth and privilege beyond my comprehension. But the Schetts have one thing that they don’t have…besides the belts that is.” Jack: “That’s right. We have the ultimate insurance policy…the ultimate security blanket. Because if you try to take our PCW Tag Team belts, you’ll have to get past the Extreme Schnauzer- Hans Gruber. And if you think that’s going to be easy, then you don’t know Jack Schett.” Bull: “That’s right. Hans Gruber is only the…GREATEST MOVIE VILLIAN OF ALL TIME! DIDN’T YOU SEE DIE HARD! ALAN RICKMAN WAS FREAKIN’ AWESOME! AND THAT’S NO BULL SCHETT! SCHELL!”
BACKSTAGE
PCW Investigative Reporter Woodward Bernstein knocks at the door of the McMann Corporation. The door opens. It’s Bradley Scott Wilson, Esq. Wilson: “The McMann Corporation does not have any comment at all about tonight. We are going to make our statement in the ring.” The door slams shut again.
Al Franken heads to the ring.
Norm Coleman walks towards the ring in another hallway.
Suave: “Norm Coleman got surprised a few weeks back on PCW Extreme Political TV. It was a wild ending to his match with Al Franken…”
REPLAY- Oct 7th PCW Extreme Political TV- Al Franken (Progressive Alliance) vs. Norm Coleman (American Patriots)
The crowd chants ‘PCW.’ Rights to Coleman. Cross face shots. Body kick by Coleman and back to the wristlock. Coleman adjusts to a hammerlock and works the other arm. Franken rolled into a pinning position for 2. Again, Obama breaks the count. Franken to his feet into a shoulder block by Coleman. Suplex try by Coleman countered by Franken. Coleman thrown out of the ring. Franken to the apron. Flying elbow drop from the ring. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Arianna Huffington sets a table up and Obama puts Coleman on it. McCain runs around the ring. Arianna latches on to him and holds on for dear life. Franken to the top. Sarah Palin hits the ring again with her hockey stick and whacks Franken in the back. Franken falls and hits hard on the floor. Joe Biden now to the ring. Obama and McCain get into it. Biden climbs up to the top rope. Palin starts towards him but Arianna gets in between her and Biden. Biden leaps and puts Coleman through the table. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Crowd: “PCW…PCW!” Biden rolls Coleman back into the ring. Then he rolls Franken back into the ring. Arianna and Palin rolls around on the ring canvas. Suave: “CAT-FIGHT! CAT-FIGHT!” Franken crawls over and covers Coleman. 1…2…3.
Franken and Coleman reach the ring. Suave: “If the last match was a war, I hate to see how this one turns out. Both men don’t like each other. Is Coleman’s vast political experience enough to hold off Franken? Can Franken pull off a huge win and add to what has already been a huge night for the Progressive Alliance. And will we see Sarah Palin again in this match? We will find out in just a…SOMEONE’S RUNNING TO THE RING. WHO IS THAT? THAT’S DEAN BARKLEY THE INDEPENDENT. AND HE CAUGHT BOTH FRANKEN AND COLEMAN COMPLETELY BY SURPRISE. THERE’S A REF IN THE RING…HE’S CALLING FOR THE BELL!”
MATCH #5 Minnesota Street Brawl
AL FRANKEN (Progressive Alliance)
vs. NORM COLEMAN (American Patriots)
vs. DEAN BARKLEY (Independent)
Suave: “IT’S NOW A THREE WAY MINNESOTA STREET BRAWL!” Barkley starts the match with a back elbow smash to Franken. Then hard right hands to Coleman’s face. Coleman back into the corner. Barkley blatantly chokes him. Franken clobbers Barkley from behind. Coleman wisely ducks out to the outside to catch his breath. Franken throws Barkley out of the ring and then Coleman slams him into the ringpost. Coleman stomps and kicks Barkley. Barkley gouges him in the eyes. Franken, now out of the ring, throws Coleman into the ring steps and then clotheslines him over the steel barricade into the crowd. Crowd: “PCW…PCW…PCW!” They brawl in the crowd. Barkley comes up from behind and plants a steel folding chair over Franken’s head. Crowd: “PCW…PCW…PCW!”Coleman tries to go back towards the ring. He rams Barkley into the steel barricade, jumps the barricade, and then slingshots Barkley over the barricade into the ringpost. Coleman went up top and took too long. Franken grabs the ropes and crotches Coleman. He falls back in the ring. Franken hits a leg drop from the second ropes and then bites Coleman’s forehead. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” The fans again cheer. Coleman reverses a whip then hits a pumphandle slam. Barkley hits a low, low blow on Franken. Franken somehow gets back up and thumbs Barkley in the eye. Coleman rams Franken shoulder-first into the corner ring post. Coleman rolls up Barkley from behind and hooks the tights. 1…2…3.
DEAN BARKLEY ELIMINATED
Suave: “IT’S DOWN TO COLEMAN AGAINST FRANKEN!” Coleman drags Franken out of the ring and slams him into the guardrail. Franken counters, blocks a suplex, and drapes Coleman across the guardrail. Franken’s spin kick from the ring apron misses. Coleman moves out of the way and Franken crashes right-knee-first into the rail. Quick chair shots in succession leave Franken dazed and wondering what hit him. Back suplex by Coleman. Suave: “WAIT A MINUTE! HERE COMES SARAH PALIN! SHE SWINGS THE HOCKEY STICK…MISSES FRANKEN AND HITS COLEMAN!” Palin winks. Suave: “THAT’S NOT SARAH PALIN! IT’S TINA FEY FROM SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE AGAIN! HERE’S COMES THE REAL PALIN!” Sarah Palin runs in and tackles Fey. They roll around on the floor. Suave: “CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT!”
Franken nails Coleman with a road sign. He next pulls out a cheese grater and rubs it across Coleman’s forehead. Suave: “CHEESE GRATER! CHEESE GRATER! COLEMAN IS BADLY BUSTED OPEN!” Franken pulls a ladder from underneath the ring and clocks Coleman with it. Franken grabs a garbage can and drop toe holds Coleman onto it. Cover. Two count. Coleman staggers back up and Franken knocks him right back out with a steel chair. Crowd: “HOLY S@#$#… HOLY S@#$#.” Franken puts Coleman on top of the ladder and climbs up on the corner turnbuckle. Franken leaps off the turnbuckle and crushes Coleman on the metal ladder. Crowd: “HOLY S@#$#… HOLY S@#$#.” Franken covers. 1…2…3.
WINNER: AL FRANKEN (Progressive Alliance)
Suave: “THE PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE SCORES ANOTHER VICTORY HERE IN AN EXTREME HARDCORE POLITICAL MATCH! WOW! It’s now 4 for the Progressive Alliance, 1 for the independents, and 0 for the American Patriots.”
BACKSTAGE
PCW Owner Bubba Jackson’s office. The door is shut and two Westville city police officers keep watch outside the door. Suave: “The tension mounts as shortly, Bubba Jackson will come out and announce who the new PCW CEO will be. “
AMERICAN PATRIOTS LOCKER ROOM
John McCain goes up to Elizabeth Dole, who’s warming up for her match against Kay Hagan shortly. McCain: “Liddy, I just wanted you to know that if you need anything tonight, I will be there for you.” Dole: “Thanks, John. But I have a plan for tonight and I’ve got everything under control.”
Suave: “Wow. It’s almost like some of the American Patriots are trying to distance themselves from John McCain.”
Kay Hagan (Progressive Alliance) walks towards the ring.
Suave: “It’ll be Liddy Dole versus this woman- Kay Hagan in a Carolina Catfight. Let’s go back two weeks and see what transpired in their preview match.”
Replay Oct 14th PCW Extreme Political TV
Hagan attempts a standing moonsault and leaps into Dole’s knees. Dole locks in a submission hold. Obama comes in and pulls Dole off Hagan. McCain and Obama chin to chin in the ring. Suave: “This could finally be boiling over! McCain and Obama look like they’re about to- HEY! WHO’S THE LADY IN THE RING?” An unknown lady climbs into the ring with a skillet. She shrieks ‘I don’t trust you. You’re an Arab!’ and starts to swing the skillet towards Obama. McCain grabs the skillet at the last second. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! SHE WAS GOING TO SKULL OBAMA WITH THAT SKILLET!” McCain: “No, ma’am. He’s a decent family man with whom I happen to have some disagreements.”Behind them, Hagan sneaks in and rolls up Dole. 1…2…3.MATCH #6 Carolina Catfight
ELIZABETH DOLE (American Patriots)
vs. KAY HAGAN (Progressive Alliance)
At the bell, both women charge each other and meet in the middle. Single leg takedown by Dole. Hagan forces her way up and they roll around in the ring. Suave: “CATFIGHT!…CATFIGHT!” Snap mare takeover by Hagan. Rake of the eyes follows, then neckbreaker. Hagan goes for the quick cover. Dole kicks out at one. Hagan sweeps the leg and dumps Dole back on the canvas. Leg drop doesn’t find its mark as Dole rolls out of the way. Dole chops Hagan. Hagan chops right back. Irish whip by Dole, Hagan reverses and send Dole into the corner turnbuckle. Hagan charges. Dole moves and Hagan rams into the corner. Dole rolls her up. 1…2… Hagan rolls through. 1…2… Dole kicks out. Hagan sends Dole into the corner. Headlock. Dole powers out and whips Hagan off the ropes. Single leg takedown. Hagan bounces right back up and dropkicks Dole.
*
They lock up again. Hagan hip tosses Dole. Leg drop. Hagan sits on Dole and wrenches her neck back. Dole tries to escape. Hagan bounces her head off the canvas. Dole fights up again but Hagan throws her through the ropes and out. Hagan climbs the corner turnbuckle.
Suave: “TOP ROPE MISSILE DROPKICK! WOW! THAT NEARLY DECAPITATED DOLE.” Hagan on the offensive. She whips Dole into the steel guardrail. Dole staggers up and then gets clotheslined over the guardrail.
Crowd: “PCW…PCW!” Hagan pulls Dole back up and drapes her over the guardrail. Guillotine leg drop flips Dole back over the guardrail and lands on the floor.
Suave: “WHAT A MOVE BY HAGAN. DOLE’S IN REAL TROUBLE NOW!” Hagan drags Dole to the ring and rolls her in. Hagan to the top rope.
Suave: “HOLY CRAP! 180 SPLASH! Hagan for the cover! One. Two. Th- TWO PEOPLE IN ROBES HAVE HIT THE RING- WAIT A MINUTE, IT’S THE PIOUS PAIR, IT’S THE GOD SQUAD!” Rev. James Dobson and Rev. Pat Robertson pull Hagan off Dole and drag her out of the ring. Rev. Robertson holds a Bible up high.
Rev. Robertson: “Behold the good book shall smite-ith down our enemies!” *WHAP*
Suave: “HOLY CRAP! HE JUST CLOBBERED HAGAN WITH THE BIBLE! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ALL ABOUT?”
Rev Dobson: “This is the price you pay when you consort with Godless Americans!” Dobson takes the ribbon that’s used to bookmark the Bible and wraps it around Hagan’s throat.
Suave: “AW COME ON! YOU CAN’T BE CHOKING SOMEONE WITH THE BIBLE! THAT’S JUST WRONG!” The God Squad roll Hagan back into the ring and then climb in themselves. Rev. Robertson drags Dole over and lays her on top of Hagan. 1…2…
Suave: “NO! HAGAN KICKS OUT!” Rev. Robertson and Rev. Dobson can’t believe it. Again, they put Dole on top. 1…2…
Suave: “NO! SHE KICKS OUT AGAIN!” Rev. Robertson jumps up and down angrily. Dole pulls herself up on the ring ropes. Rev. Robertson and Rev. Dobson stand Hagan up. Rev. Robertson again raises the Bible.
Suave: “Oh, not the Bible belt again.” Robertson swings, Hagan steps aside, and he catches Dole flush in the face.
Suave:“HOLY CRAP! HE HIT DOLE! HE HIT DOLE! HE HIT DOLE INSTEAD!” Rev. Dobson looks in horror at Rev. Robertson.
Suave: “HAGAN FOR THE COVER. 1…2… NO! REV. DOBSON PULLS HER OFF LIDDY DOLE! WAIT! HERE COMES JOE BIDEN!” Biden, who’s been pretty much invisible since his botched promo a few weeks back, runs in and horse collars both Dobson and Robertson.
Suave: “BIDEN DOUBLE CLOTHESLINES THE GOD SQUAD! HAGAN COVERS 1…2…3! SHE’S DONE IT!”
WINNER: KAY HAGAN (Progressive Alliance)
Suave: “That’s win number four for the Progressive Alliance tonight! Kay Hagan gets a tough and hard earned victory over Elizabeth Dole here at PCW Extreme Election Night. Let’s head to the back again.
BACKSTAGE
PCW Investigative Reporter Woodward Bernstein interviews Barack Obama of the Progressive Alliance. Bernstein: “Barack, as you wait for PCW Owner Bubba Jackson to announce the new PCW CEO, how do you feel?” Obama: “Peaceful. I think we are minutes away from changing Political Championship Wrestling.” Bernstein: “If you’re chosen, what will this mean to you?” Obama: “If I’m chosen, this victory won’t be for me. It’ll be for all of those quiet heroes that we have all across America who, they’re not famous, their names aren’t in the newspapers, but each and every day they work hard, they look after their families, they sacrifice for their children and their grandchildren. They aren’t seeking the limelight. All they try to do is just do the right thing.” Bernstein: “Wow…you’re really good at this.” Obama: “Years of practice, my friend…years of practice.” Bernstein: “Back to you, Johnny.”
Suave: “Here comes the McMann Corporation. They are here in full force tonight.” ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann, CFO Gordon Guyko, Daisy Cutter-Bomb, Rough Justice (D.B. Ruff and Connor Jackson- 2 former police officers fired from their jobs because of their rough and often across the line views about law enforcement), Corporate Spokesman Bradley Scott Wilson Esq., Corporate Secretary Richard Emerson Brantley III, and Randy ‘Road Rage’ Richardson aka Quadruple R. lead Big Oil with Texas Tex and Kirk Walstreit- the man with the man crush on ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit- to the ring.
Jack Schett, Bull Schett, Horst Schett, and Hans Gruber- the Extreme German Schnauzer follow. Suave: “The Schetts have been the PCW Tag Team champions for over six months. Tonight, they may face their stiffest challenge yet in Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit, backed by the full corporate might of the McMann Corporation. Two weeks ago on PCW Extreme Political TV, the McMann Corporation flexed their muscles for real for the first time when Big Oil and Walstreit destroyed A-Bomb and H-Bomb to become the new number one contenders for the PCW Tag Team title…
REPLAY from October 21st PCW Extreme Political TV
Suave: “Here we go. This one should be a doozy. The winner gets a shot at the PCW Tag Team belts in two weeks.” Suave also notes that it’s weird to see Daisy Cutter-Bomb in the opposite corner of her brothers A-Bomb, H-Bomb, and N-Bomb. The bell rings. A-Bomb and Big Oil lock up. Suave: “Hold on! Quadruple R in the ring…*WHAP* HOLY CRAP! That was a sickening chairshot on A-Bomb. H-Bomb’s in the ring…Ruff and Justice are in the ring. Newt Tron Bomb is in the ring. IT’S CHAOS!” Big Oil plants A-Bomb with an Oklahoma Driller. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! And now, Ruff has a taser…HE JUST TASERED H-BOMB! DAWN McGILL IS LYING ON THE FLOOR OUTSIDE THE RING. SHE’S BEEN ASSAULTED BY DAISY CUTTER-BOMB! WALSTREIT GIVES H-BOMB THE STOCK MARKET PLUNGE! THIS IS CARNAGE!” Big Oil drags A-Bomb up and Daisy climbs into the ring with a Singapore cane. Suave: “WAIT A MINUTE! DAISY’S NOT GOING TO…NOT TO HER OWN BROTHER…*THWACK* CANE SHOT! CANE SHOT! A-BOMB IS BLEEDING PROFUSELY!” Big Oil throws A-Bomb down and gets the easy cover. 1…2…3.
MATCH #7 PCW Tag Team Title Match
JACK SCHETT and BULL SCHETT © w/Horst Schett and Hans Gruber- the Extreme German Schnauzer (Progressive Alliance)
vs. BIG OIL w/Texas Tex and KIRK WALSTREIT- the Man with the Man Crush on ESPN’s Kirk Walstreit w/the McMann Corporation (McMann Corporation)
Suave: “We’re about ready to go!” Walstreit kisses a photo of Kirk Herbstreit and then rubs a $1,000 bill for good luck. Big Oil hands Texas Tex his golden money belt. Tex puts the belt over his shoulder and guards the wheelbarrow that’s not so full of cash as it usually is- thanks to plummeting oil prices. The bell rings. Big Oil and Walstreit charge the Schetts. Outside the ring, Ruff, Justice, and Quadruple R take off around the ring. Suave: “THEY’RE GOING AFTER HORST SCHETT!” In the ring, it’s mayhem. Big Oil and Walstreit and Jack Schett and Bull Schett throw haymakers back and forth. Outside, steel chair shot to Horst Schett by Quadruple R. *WHAP* Suave: “HOLY CRAP! QUADRUPLE R WAFFLES HORST SCHETT A SECOND TIME WITH THE CHAIR!” Horst falls to the floor. Hans Gruber- the Extreme German Schnauzer, chases Ruff and Justice around the ring. They pass by Quadruple R. *ZZZZAP* Suave: “TASER! THEY JUST TASERED HANS GRUBER- THE EXTREME GERMAN SCHNAUZER! *ZZZZAP* TASER ON HORST SCHETT! HERE COMES THE GREEN WORLD ORDER!”
The GWO, Peta from PETA, Extreme Vegan Brock Cole Lee, PeaceNick, and GreenPete, run in and attack Quadruple R. Suave: “THE S*** HAS HIT THE FAN! THE GREEN WORLD ORDER DON’T TAKE VERY KINDLY TO SOMEONE TASERING A DOG!” Quadruple R is swarmed under. Daisy Cutter-Bomb gets involved. She yanks Peta from PETA by the hair from the pile and Daisy Cutter Power-Bombs her. *ZZZZAP* Suave: “BROCK COLE LEE GETS TASERED. *ZZZZAP* GREENPETE GETS TASERED.” Ruff advances on PeaceNick. PeaceNick chants peaceful mantras and non-violent slogans. *ZZZZAP* Doesn’t matter. In the ring, chokeslam by Big Oil on Jack Schett. Bull Schett powerbombs Kirk Walstreit. Big Oil and Bull then go at it. Suave: “QUADRUPLE R’S IN THE RING. HE’S GOT A CHAIR *CLANG* HOLY CRAP! HE BENT THAT CHAIR ON BULL SCHETT’S SKULL!” Bull down. Ruff throws Big Oil one of the Schett’s bricks. Jack is back up and stumbling around the ring. Suave: “OH, NO! NO, NO, NO! *WHAP* HOLY CRAP!” Big Oil breaks the brick over Jack Schett’s head. The brick explodes on impact and Jack’s out. Big Oil covers. 1…2…3. Suave: “WE’VE GOT NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!”
WINNER AND NEW PCW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: BIG OIL and KIRK WALSTREIT (McMann Corporation)
Again, Nurse Nellie and the PCW Clean up Crew are out to check on all three Schetts and their dog.
Mr. McMann flashes a thumb’s up to Big Oil and Walstreit on bringing the tag team belts to the McMann Corporation.
Suave: “BIG OIL AND KIRK WALSTREIT ARE THE NEW PCW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS! THE McMANN CORPORATION HAS REACHED ONE OF ITS OBJECTIVES TONIGHT. WE’RE GOING TO FIND OUT IN A FEW MINUTES IF THEY REACH THE OTHER!”
BACKSTAGE
PCW Investigative Reporter Woodward Bernstein interviews John McCain. Bernstein: “John, your thoughts?” McCain: “This is it. Mere minutes away from taking Political Championship Wrestling in a new and exciting direction, my friends. We need your help. We need your help and I will prevail here tonight.” Bernstein: “John, it’s been a long, tough road. Do you have any regrets?” McCain: “Well, in any campaign there’s things you should have done and things you shouldn’t have done. I know it doesn’t look good for us right now. But I’m a fighter and I’m in this to the very end.” Bernstein: “Do you think the overly aggressive attacks backfired?” McCain: “Maybe. Perhaps laying out Obama in three consecutive house shows wasn’t the best thing to do. Or taking out O’Beck Bahama. Or hitting Obama with a Singapore cane. But this is a tough business. It’s not for the faint of heart.” Bernstein: “I just can’t believe you didn’t know Cheech and Chong got back together.” McCain: “Who knew? The last I heard, Chong hated Cheech’s guts. The next thing you’re going to tell me is that I may very well lose my own state.” Bernstein: “Well…um, that’s a possibility.” McCain: “S***.” Bernstein: “Thanks, John.”
Suave: “We are back. In January, Opal Winfree and Kathryn Randall Collins had two epic battles- both resulting in title changes. On January 8th at Mayhem in Manchester (NH), KRC got some help from Hillary Clinton and the Clinton Political Pitbulls and defeated Winfree to become the PCW Women’s Champion. However, twelve days later at the Weapons of Mass Political Destruction pay per view, Winfree, with help from Barack Obama, regained the title. Since then, Winfree has consolidated her hold on the title while KRC went through some hard times. Collins hit a low at PCW Loose Cannons 4 when she lost to the PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin and the number one contender slot for the women’s title. KRC joined McMann’s Corporation and began the road back. Collins regained the number one contender spot on PCW Extreme Political TV when she obliterated Martin with help from Daisy Cutter-Bomb- who turned on the PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl. Let’s go back a couple weeks.”
REPLAY from October 14th PCW Extreme Political TV
KRC advances on Tessa. Tessa calls for her oversized pizza box. Daisy Cutter-Bomb climbs out and grabs the box. KRC gets closer. Tessa again calls for the box. Daisy climbs up on the apron, raises the box, and then blasts Tessa in the face with it. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! SHE…SHE…I DON’T BELIEVE IT. DAISY CUTTER-BOMB JUST DOUBLECROSSED THE PCW EXTREME PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL!” Daisy climbs in the ring and gives Tessa a Daisy Cutter Power-bomb. The PCW Arena crowd can’t believe it. Johnny Suave can’t believe it. KRC sticks her foot on Tessa’s chest and that’s all.
Kathryn Randall Collins walks to the ring. Suave: “The McMann Corporation is one for one. Can Collins make it two for two?”
‘The Empress Queen of All Media’ Opal Winfree comes out next. She’s escorted by Barack Obama and Opal’s Flock- New Age Sensitive Guy and Soccer Mom.
MATCH #8 PCW Women’s Title Match
KATHRYN RANDALL COLLINS aka KRC w/The McMann Corporation (McMann Corporation)
vs. ‘Empress Queen of All Media’ OPAL WINFREE © w/Barack Obama and Opal’s Flock- New Age Sensitive Guy and Soccer Mom)
Suave: “We’ve had two title changes already tonight. Are we about to see a third?” The McMann Corporation huddle together outside the ring. The bell rings and Collins and Winfree lock up. Collins tries to switches and gets behind Winfree. Takedown by Winfree. Modified surfboard by Winfree. Daisy Cutter-Bomb (McMann Corp) immediately runs in and pushes Winfree off. Winfree chops at Daisy. KRC climbs the rope and hits a DDT. KRC covers. 1…2. Easy kick out by Winfree. KRC goes on top again for a top rope Frankensteiner. Soccer Mom (Opal’s Flock), yells “WE MUST DO IT FOR THE CHILDREN!” and goes to push KRC from behind. D.B. Ruff of the McMann Corporation runs over and pulls her off the ring apron sending her toppling down. KRC attempts a missile dropkick from the top rope and misses. Winfree executes two consecutive powerbombs. She climbs to the top rope for a splash and Quadruple R (McMann Corp) runs over and pastes her with a steel-folding chair. New Age Sensitive Guy (Opal’s Flock) tries to take the chair away from Quadruple R. Suave: “NEW AGE SENSITIVE GUY DOESN’T SEE CONNOR JUSTICE (McMann Corp) BEHIND HIM… *ZZZZAP* TASER! TASER!” Justice throws New Age Sensitive Guy to the ground. KRC picks Opal up by the hair and flings her face down onto the canvas. KRC pulls the PCW Women’s champ up and whips her into the corner. Suave: “Big splash coming…NO! OPAL MOVED JUST IN TIME!”
KRC staggers backwards. Atomic drop by Opal. Body slam. Leg drop. Opal launches herself backwards into the ropes. Daisy jumps on the ring apron and throws Opal a chair. *WHAP* Suave: “VAN DAMINATOR! VAN DAMINATOR! KRC JUST KICKED THAT CHAIR INTO OPAL’S FACE! Opal’s in trouble!” Barack Obama is on the ring apron and shouting encouragement to a woozy Winfree. Suave: “DAISY CUTTER-BOMB IN THE RING! HOLY CRAP! DAISY CUTTER POWER-BOMB ON OPAL WINFREE! KRC FOR THE COVER. ONE…TWO…NO! HERE COMES THE CLINTON POLITICAL PITBULLS!” James Carville and Paul Begala hit the ring and double team clotheslines Daisy Cutter-Bomb. Big Oil climbs into the ring and grabs Begala from behind. Suave: “Oh, oh. This isn’t good for Paul Begala.” Grab throat. Lift. Chokeslam. Begala bounces off the canvas. Carville tries to get out while the getting’s good. Big Oil drags him back in. Grab throat. Lift. Chokeslam. Daisy lifts Opal up again for another Daisy Cutter Power-Bomb. Obama jumps in the ring and tries to stop her. Quadruple R grabs Obama and whips him into the corner. Daisy up and wham! Daisy Cutter Power-Bomb. KRC calls for a table. Kirk Walstreit slides it in and KRC sets it up. Daisy drags Opal up one more time. Suave: “THEY’RE GOING TO DO IT AGAIN!” Opal up. Daisy Cutter Power-Bomb through the table. Crowd: “PCW…PCW!” KRC calls for another table. Suave: “WHAT? JUST PIN HER ALREADY!” Again, Walstreit slides in a table. KRC sets up on the top rope corner turnbuckle. Daisy drags Opal over to her and sets her up. Suave: “OPAL’S SET. HERE COMES SOCCER MOM. DAISY GRABS HER! DAISY CUTTER POWER-BOMB! DDT THROUGH THE TABLE ON THE PCW WOMEN’S CHAMPION!” Crowd: “THIS MATCH RULES! (clap clap clap-clap-clap) THIS MATCH RULES (clap clap clap-clap-clap) Suave: “DAISY CUTTER-BOMB JUST OBLITERATED SOCCER MOM WITH A DAISY CUTTER POWER-BOMB. THEN KRC DDT’S OPAL FROM THE TOP ROPE THROUGH THE TABLE! KRC COVERS… ONE…TWO…THREE! THAT’S IT! WE’VE GOT A NEW PCW WOMEN’S CHAMPION!”
WINNER AND NEW PCW WOMEN’S CHAMPION: KATHRYN RANDALL COLLINS (McMann Corporation)
Suave: “WE ARE THREE OUT OF THREE IN NEW CHAMPIONS TONIGHT! THE McMANN CORPORATION NOW HAS TWO PCW TITLES IN THEIR STABLE! AND WE’VE GOT ONE MORE TO GO! WHAT A NIGHT!”
BACKSTAGE
PCW Owner Bubba Jackson’s office. The two Westville city policeman are still there. Suave: “Still nothing from Bubba Jackson about who the new PCW CEO is. We’ll keep an eye on that door.”
McMANN CORPORATE SUITE
‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann returns to a waiting CFO Gordon Guyko. Guyko: “Well? Did you get our man? McMann: “It took some of our Wall Street bail out money to do it, but we got our guy.” Guyko: “Excellent. Greed is good. Greed is really, really good.” McMann: “Yes, it is.”
*YEEEEEEE-AHHHHHHHHH!*
Suave: “Of course, that’s the unmistakable calling card of one, ‘American Screamer’ Howard Dean.” Dean, Nancy Pelosi, Steny Hoyer and Harry Reid (Progressive Alliance) come to the ring. O’Beck Bahama and Barack Obama follow. Suave: “We are minutes away from the PCW Title match. O’Beck Bahama is here. Now, we wait for the PCW Champion.”
GEORGE W’S OFFICE
George W works on paperwork. He aide de camp Dick fumes. Dick: “I still say there’s no reason why we shouldn’t be out there for this match. We are the leaders of the American Patriots.” W.: “Dick, I’m not worried about it. This is what John McCain wanted.” Dick: “John McCain can kiss my ass!” Dick stomps out.
Suave: “Well. Dick seems a little bent.” American Patriots John Boehner and Mitch McConnell lead the way for McCain and the PCW Champion Starz N. Stripes. Suave: Starz N. Stripes’ title reign is over eight months. Can he extend it even further tonight? We will find out soon enough.”
Both men in the ring now. Charlene Ann Beckworth climbs in to do the ring announcing. Charlene Ann: “LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. THIS MATCH IS FOR THE PCW CHAMPIONSHIP! IN THIS CORNER, SECONDED BY ‘THE NATURAL’ BARACK OBAMA, HE’S THE ‘NEW ROOKIE SENSATION’ O’BECK BAHAMA!” Roughly half the crowd stands and cheers on Bahama. Charlene Ann: “AND IN THE OTHER CORNER, SECONDED BY ‘STRAIGHT SHOOTIN’’ JOHN McCAIN, HE’S THE ‘ORIGINAL ROOKIE SENSATION’ AND THE CURRENT PCW CHAMPION- STARZ N. STRIPES!” The other half stand and cheer. Suave: “You can feel the buzz in the air. We could have history in the making here tonight.”
BACKSTAGE
PCW Owner Bubba Jackson’s office. The two Westville city policeman stand in place.
Suave: “Okay, still no change with Bubba. We’re about ready to go. Starz and Bahama for the PCW Title.
MATCH #9 PCW Championship Match
O’BECK BAHAMA w/Barack Obama (Progressive Alliance)
vs. STARZ N. STRIPES © w/John McCain (American Patriots)
The referee calls for the bell. Suave: “Here we go!” Staredown as O’Beck and Starz circle each other. Starz smiles and they finally lock up. Starz goes for a bodyslam. Bahama reverses and pushes Starz to the ring ropes. Starz holds on to the ropes. Circling and staring again. Another lockup. O’Beck shoots Starz’s leg and takes him down. Arm drag into a wrist lock by Bahama. Into the corner. Starz unleashes a right hand that glances off Bahama. Bahama with a side headlock. Irish whip into the ropes. Back body drop by Bahama. Bahama shoots him into the ropes again but this time Starz hangs onto them. Starz slides out of the ring and takes a walk to confer with McCain. .Starz back in and they lock up yet again. Bahama monkey-flips Starz and delivers the boots to the gut. Out of nowhere, Starz slaps on the American Star and Fuji Arm Bar submission hold. Suave: “THIS COULD BE IT!” Bahama grabs the ropes and hold on to them for dear life. The referee breaks the hold.
Starz confers with John McCain. Bahama slingshots himself across the ring and crushes Starz against the steel barricade. Irish whip into the barricade on the other side. Another Irish whip from Bahama. He ducks for a backdrop but Starz kicks him in the mush. Starz starts laying in right hands and pushes Bahama out through the ropes. Bahama quickly climbs back up on the apron. Starz charges. Bahama ducks and back body drops the PCW champion over the ropes and through a ring table. Suave: HOLY CRAP!” O’Beck wastes no time in climbing the top rope and splashing Starz on the floor. Crowd: “PCW…PCW!” Starz crawls out of the wreckage but Bahama follows up with an Irish whip into the steel guardrail. Bahama grabs a chair and waffles Starz with it. Starz slumps to the ground. Bahama climbs the ring steps. Suave: “MISSILE DROP KICK FROM THE STEPS! STARZ CAUGHT IT FLUSH ON HIS JAW AND HE IS DAZED!” Bahama pulls Starz up. Superkick! Starz falls backwards and hits the floor hard. Barack Obama urges Bahama on. Bahama presses the attack, grabbing another steel folding chair and pastes the champion in the face with it. He throws the chair on the floor. Suave: “DDT ON THE CHAIR! THE PCW CHAMPION IS IN BIG, BIG TROUBLE. HE DOESN’T KNOW WHERE HE’S AT!” Bahama drags Starz back into the ring. Bahama goes for the win. Suave: “1…2…NO! BAHAMA GAVE HIM TOO MUCH TIME AND STARZ KICKS OUT!” Bahama goes for another cover. Suave: “NO! STARZ KICKS OUT AGAIN! BAHAMA MAY HAVE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE IN NOT TRYING TO PIN THE CHAMPION ON THE FLOOR!” Starz tries to fight back. Bahama lifts him for a jack-knife power bomb. Starz flips through and shoves the New Rookie Sensation into the ropes. Wild right by Starz misses badly. Bahama trips Starz and he lands throat first on the top ring rope. Running splash takes the air out of Starz. Bahama covers. Suave: “1…2…McCAIN SAVES HIM! McCAIN RAN OVER AND PUT THE CHAMPION’S FOOT ON THE ROPES!” Bahama drives Starz to the canvas with a running power bomb. The crowd begins to anticipate a possible title change. Suave: “THIS COULD BE THE NIGHT! BAHAMA COVERS…” A huge roar erupts. Suave: “IT’S SARAH PALIN! SHE’S IN THE RING! *THWACK* HOLY CRAP! *THWACK* OH! SHE NAILED BAHAMA WITH HER HOCKEY STICK!” Bahama staggers. Suave: “TINA FEY! TINA FEY’S OUT HERE! SHE GOES UP TO PALIN…SHE TAKES THE HOCKEY STICK AWAY. AND NOW, FEY’S LEAVING! PALIN’S CHASING HER.”
Standing drop kick by Starz drives Bahama into the corner. Suave: “SARAH PALIN HAS TOTALLY CHANGED THE COMPLEXION OF THE MATCH!” An newly energized Starz throws lefts and rights. Snap mare take down. Enzuigiri by Starz and then a backpack stunner. Bahama blocks a suplex attempt but eats a flying knee. Starz charges and shoulder blocks Bahama into the ropes. Bahama walks right into a Ricola bomb. Cover. 1…2.. Bahama gets the shoulder up. Bahama gets crotched on the top rope and schoolboyed for another two. Starz goes for a Texas Cloverleaf but Starz rolls through it. Starz hits a Michinoku Driver. Starz hits a fireman’s carry takedown and then a chinlock. Bahama escapes the hold and pushes Starz back. Right by Bahama. Right by Starz. Right by Bahama. Right by Starz. Irish whip by Starz reversed by Bahama followed by another reversal. Bahama misses a leg drop. Starz back suplexes Bahama. Bahama wildly charges. Starz sidesteps. Bahama bounces off the ropes and Starz delivers a Death Valley Driver. Cover. Suave: “One…Obama breaks the count this time.” Starz hits a tilt-a-whirl suplex. Starz goes for a piledriver; Bahama kicks him low. Suave: “That’ll stop your momentum in a big hurry.” Bahama with rights. Irish whip into the ropes. Bahama ducks the lariat. Lou Thesz Press by Starz. He pummels Bahama on the canvas. Irish whip by Starz. Belly to belly suplex. Bahama bounces off the canvas. Suave: “STARZ WITH THE MOMENTUM AND…HE WANTS A TABLE!” McCain slides a table into the ring and Stara sets it up. Rights by Starz. Then he sets Bahama up. Suave: “HE’S LINING BAHAMA UP…” The PCW crowd roars again. Suave: “SARAH PALIN! .SARAH PALIN’S BACK OUT!…OR IS IT TINA FEY?” Palin climbs up to the ring apron. Suave: “I DON’T THINK STARZ’S SURE IF IT REALLY HER OR NOT.” McCain’s confused. Suave: “STARZ PULLS BAHAMA UP AND HOLDS HIM…HE’S TELLING PALIN OR FEY OR WHOMEVER TO GO AHEAD.” Palin swings. Bahama ducks. Starz catches the stick with his hand. He throws Bahama out of the ring. Suave: “STARZ IS PISSED. HE FLIPS HER INTO THE RING!” The crowd stands and cheers. Suave: “HE’S NOT! YES HE IS.” Starz powerbombs her through the table. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Tina Fey runs out dressed as Palin. She winks at Starz and leaves. Suave: “OH MY GOD! STARZ JUST POWER-BOMBED SARAH PALIN THROUGH A TABLE!” Starz looks at the unconscious Palin lying among the ruins of the table in abject disbelief. McCain is stunned. Starz checks on her. Bahama claws his way back into the ring and blindsides the distracted Starz from behind.
Suave: “BAHAMA BACK ON THE ATTACK!” Kicks to the stomach. Rights by Bahama. Irish whip. Suave: “SOMERSET PLANCHA BY BAHAMA! BULLDOG BY BAHAMA! HE’S CALLING FOR A LADDER!” Obama slides a ladder in. Suave: “Bahama with Starz. DDT ONTO THE LADDER!” Crowd: “PCW…PCW!” Bahama puts the ladder over him and spins like a propeller and decks Starz. Bahama throws the ladder at Starz. Suave: “STARZ IS HURT AGAIN! HE FALLS BACK INTO THE CORNER!” Bahama places the ladder on Starz and goes to the opposite corner. He sprints across and plasters the ladder into the champ. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! THIS COULD BE IT!” Crowd: “This match rocks! This match rocks!” Suave: “BAHAMA GOING FOR THE PIN……IT’S JOE THE PLUMBER! JOE THE PLUMBER!” Joe the Plumber runs down and climbs on the ring apron. Bahama steps away from Starz and walks towards Joe the Plumber. Suave: “WHAT IS HE DOING? BAHAMA IS THIS CLOSE TO BECOMING THE PCW CHAMPION…WAIT A MINUTE! SOMEONE JUST RAN UP TO JOE THE PLUMBER!” A guy pulls Joe the Plumber off the edge of the ring and swings a tire iron at him. Suave: “IT’S KGO-SAN FRANCISCO RADIO HOST CHARLES KAREL BOULEY! HE SAID ON THE RADIO THAT HE WANTED TO KILL JOE THE PLUMBER. GUESS WHAT? HE’S TRYING TO KILL JOE THE PLUMBER!”
*Def Leppard’s ‘Rock, Rock Til You Drop blares*
A deafening noise drowns out the music. Suave: “YES! IT’S PCW’S EXTREME EQUALIZER- WHISKEY…TANGO…FOXTROT!” Crowd: “WHAT THE F***! WHAT THE F***!” Suave: “HE RUNS UP AND GRABS BOULEY!” WTF lifts and chokeslams Bouley on the floor. Suave: “CHOKESLAM! CHOKESLAM! JOE THE PLUMBER DOWN. SARAH PALIN DOWN. STARZ IS ABOUT DONE!” Bahama rolls up Starz. Suave: “ONE…TWO…NO! McCAIN BREAKS THE COUNT! McCAIN LITERALLY LEAPED ACROSS THE RING TO STOP THE REFEREE FROM COUNTING OUT STARZ!” Bahama climbs up the corner turnbuckle. 450 Splash on Starz. Again, he covers. Suave: “ONE…TWO…AGAIN! McCAIN AGAIN STOPS THE COUNT!” McCain stumbles back to his corner. Bahama picks up Starz and power bombs him. Cover. Suave: “ONE…TWO…NOOOOO! McCAIN AGAIN SAVES STARZ! UNBELIEVEABLE!” Obama pounds on the ring canvas. Everyone is standing up in the building. Suave: “THIS CROWD IS GOING NUTS! JOHN McCAIN HAS SAVED THREE PINFALLS! HOLD ON. BAHAMA WANTS A TABLE SET UP OUTSIDE THE RING.” Obama quickly sets up a table. Bahama picks up Starz. He runs towards the ropes and heaves him over. Starz destroys the table. Suave: “AWESOME BOMB! AWESOME BOMB! AWESOME BOMB! BAHAMA TO THE TOP ROPE. 45O SPLASH! HE COVERS. ONE…WAIT! WHAT’S DICK CHENEY DOING. HE RUNS INTO McCAIN…” The bell rings. Suave: “THAT WAS THE BELL? WAIT A MINUTE…CHARLENE ANN BECKWORTH IN THE RING.”
Charlene Ann: “LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! THE WINNER BY PINFALL AND NEW PCW-” The deafening crowd drowned out the rest of what of Charlene Ann said. Suave: “HE DID IT! HE DID IT! O’BECK BAHAMA IS THE NEW PCW CHAMPION!” Crowd: “PCW…PCW…PCW…PCW!…” Suave: “LET’S LOOK AT THIS FROM ANOTHER VIEW. HOLY CRAP! McCAIN WAS TRYING TO GET OVER TO STARZ BUT DICK ACCIDENTLY TRIPPED HIM UP. THERE’S THE THREE COUNT.”
BACKSTAGE
PCW Owner Bubba Jackson’s office. Bubba leaves the office and heads towards the ring escorted by the Westville police. Suave: “HERE’S COMES BUBBA JACKSON! IT’S TIME!”
Crowd: “PCW…PCW…PCW…” Obama, Bahama, and the rest of the Progressive Alliance celebrate in the ring. Bahama holds up the PCW title belt. Suave: “WHAT AN INCREDIBLE MATCH! THIS MAY HAVE BEEN THE BEST MATCH IN PCW HISTORY! O’BECK BAHAMA DEFEATS STARZ N. STRIPES AND BECOMES THE NEW PCW CHAMPION” Bubba makes his way to the ring. Suave: “AND NOW, IT’S TIME TO FIND OUT WHO WILL BE THE NEW CEO OF PCW.”
PCW OWNER BUBBA JACKSON ANNOUNCES THE NEW PCW CEO
Jackson: “PCW fans! Before I announce my selection to be the new PCW CEO, I want to thank both Barack Obama and John McCain for a spirited and passionate contest. John McCain. You swore you were going to fight to the end and that’s exactly what you did. You stuck to the courage of your convictions and battled as fiercely as I’ve ever seen anyone battle. Barack Obama. Your leadership helped take a raw, unproven talent in O’Beck Bahama and raise him up to where he’s now the PCW Champion. Your youth, your ideals, and your passion has served you well. Both of you are men of honor but there can only be one choice for PCW CEO. PCW fans, the new PCW CEO is…Barack Obama!” Suave: “IT’S OBAMA! IT’S OBAMA!”
Obama and McCain shake hands and then Obama takes the mic. Obama: “Bubba Jackson. I humbly accept the position of CEO of Political Championship Wrestling.” The crowd stands and cheers. Obama: “We have a lot of work to do to improve PCW and I plan to hit the ground running on January 20th to..OOOOF.” Suave: “QUADRUPLE R…QUADRUPLE R JUST ATTACKED BARACK OBAMA!” Big Oil runs in and chokeslams Starz N. Stripes. Suave: “IT’S THE McMANN CORPORATION! KIRK WALSTREIT AND ROUGH JUSTICE CLEAR THE RING. QUADRUPLE R HAS A CHAIR! *CLANG*” O’Beck Bahama falls to the canvas. Chairshot. Chairshot. Chairshot. Suave: “SOMEONE STOP HIM!” Big Oil chokeslams Starz N. Stripes a second time.
*Def Leppard’s Rock, Rock Til You Drop blares*
Suave: “YES! HELP IS ON THE WAY!” The Extreme Enforcer Whiskey Tango Foxtrot again runs down to the ring. He climbs in and gets in Quadruple R’s grill. Then WTF turns and power bombs O’Beck Bahama. Suave: “WHAT? I…I…I’M SPEECHLESS!” WTF powerbombs Bahama a second time. Then he spots the PCW Owner Bubba Jackson. Suave: “Oh…my…God. No…no…” Bubba tries to back up but WTF grabs him by the throat. Lift. Chokeslam. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” The Hack’s crowd boos echo throughout the bar.
‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann takes the mic. Mr. McMann: “Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to announce that the McMann Corporation has undergone a name change. From this date forward, you can call us……DOMINATION, INCORPORATED!” More boos. Mr. McMann: “Our Mission Statement is pretty simple and to the point: ‘Domination Inc. will facilitate the complete and total takeover of Political Championship Wrestling by any and all means.” Louder boos now. Mr. McMann: “We’ve got two of the belts now. O’Beck Bahama- enjoy yours while you can. Now that we have our new Corporate Enforcer on board- Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, we’re coming after the title and there’s nothing you or Barack Obama or anyone else here can do to stop up. Once we secure the PCW Title belt, we will rule PCW.”
Suave: “MR. McMANN TRYING TO TAKE OVER PCW! WHAT WAS A SPECTACULAR NIGHT FOR THE PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE JUST BLEW UP WITH THE EMERGENCE OF DOMINATION, INC. STAY TUNED TO SEE HOW THIS PLAYS OUT. I’M JOHNNY SUAVE AND GOOD NIGHT!”
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Filed under: 2008 Election, 2008 Presidential Election, Average Joe, Barack Obama, Blogs- Pro Wrestling, democrats, Election 2008, Independents, joe six pack, Joe the Plumber, John McCain, Paul Heyman, political satire, political wrestling, Politics, Pro Wrestling, red state, republicans, Small Town America, Third Party, wordpress political blogs | Tagged: Al Franken, Bill O'Reilly, CNN, Countdown with Keith Olbermann, ECW, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, elizabeth dole, Fox News, joe biden, kay hagan, Keith Olbermann, Lou Dobbs, MSNBC, Norm Coleman, Oprah Winfrey, Sarah Palin, Shania Twain, TNA, WWE | 1 Comment »
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