Up to Date PCW Rankings- Road to November’s Extreme Election Night Starts Next Week

PCW WORLD CHAMPION: The Sanderman (D)
PCW BLUE CHAMPION: ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (D)
PCW RED CHAMPION: ‘The Japanese SuperDestroyer’ Yamamoto Tanaka (R)
PCW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: Scott Walker’s Rangers: John and Ronnie Walker (R)
PCW WOMEN’S CHAMPION: Miss USA
PCW TELEVISION CHAMPION: Valora Salinas

#1 SINGLES CONTENDER:
- Yamamoto Tanaka (R)

#1 TAG TEAM CONTENDER:
- Big Union: ‘The Self Described Savior of the Middle Class’ Big Labor and James the Jeep Worker (D)

#1 WOMEN’S CONTENDER:
- Kathryn Randall Collins (D)

Next week:
PCW Extreme Political TV
Bishop Rosecrans High School Gym
Zanesville, OH
Monday June 18th, 2012

The final road towards November’s PCW Extreme Election 2012 kicks off next week in Zanesville. 

MATCHES SIGNED ALREADY FOR NOVEMBER’S PCW EXTREME ELECTION NIGHT 2012:
Ohio- Sherrod Brown (D) vs. Josh Mandel (R)
Virginia- George Allen (R) vs. Tim Kaine (D)
Massachusetts- Scott Brown (R) vs. Elizabeth Warren (D)
Connecticut: Linda McMahon (R) versus Chris Murphy (D)
Ohio: Marcy Kaptur (D) versus “Joe the Plumber” aka Samuel Wurzelbacher (R)

Why should you buy this book?

Jesusland v Progressiveville isn’t the usual predictable partisan trashing of the other side like other political books. J v P doesn’t pander to the fringes of both sides like most books.

Jesusland vs Progressiveville parodies the very ones responsible for over the top devisive political discussion: Markos Moutilsas, Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin, Keith Olbermann, Chris Matthews, Ann Coulter, Ed Schultz, Glenn Beck, Bill O’Reilly, Alec Baldwin among others.

The cover with Sarah Palin and Keith Olbermann sums up just what our political discourse has become.

Brought to you by the same demented bunch behind Political Championship Wrestling and not bought and paid for by big corporations or either political party, Jesusland vs. Progressiveville is a political satire that would be f#$@ing hilarious if parts of the book wasn’t painfully true about the abject dysfunction in American politics.

Available at Amazon.com and other online bookstores.

PCW Rewind: Loose Cannons Unleashed 5- June 2009

Loose Cannons Unleashed 5 was the climax of a 9 month story arc involving a large corporate conglomerate called Domination Inc. Domination Inc. is led by longtime PCW nemesis ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann and its stated goal is the hostile takeover of Political Championship Wrestling so Mr. McMann can remake it in his own vision.

However, Mr. McMann has a problem. Domination Inc. has a ‘mole’ within the organization who feeds corporate information and plans to PCW. This has thwarted McMann’s plans repeatedly throughout the 9 months. At Loose Cannons Unleashed, McMann will find out once and for all just who the mole is. The question is: will Domination Inc. survive when the mole is revealed?

PCW Champion O’Beck Bahama-managed by ‘Not just unbearable…not just intolerable…he is’ Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance (aka Democrats) vs. ‘Domination Inc’s Seven Foot Tall Weapon of Mass Destruction’ Big Monster Wahlie aka…BMW
Bahama has been the PCW Champion since winning the title at PCW Extreme Election Night 2008 in November.

BMW is the latest cog in Mr. McMann’s plan to secure the PCW Title. He’s wreaked havoc throughout Political Championship Wrestling over the past month and now McMann has him in a position to bring the PCW Title to Domination Inc. However, Mr. McMann has protected him from ‘serious’ competition over the few weeks BMW has been in PCW. Is he being overly cautious with his newest star player, or does BMW have a fatal flaw that hasn’t come to the forefront yet?

(Note: the ‘fatal flaw’ will become apparent in the next two PCW Extreme Political TV show leading up to Loose Cannons Unleashed)

Janeane Garofalo (Progressive Alliance) vs. ‘The Queen of Political Extreme’ Ann Coulter (American Patriots aka Republicans) in a grudge cage deathmatch.

The Angry Left Wing Bloggers-Daily Kos, Media Matters for America, Jane Hamsher, and Paul Krugman (Progressive Alliance) vs. W’s Image Rehab and Truth Squad- ‘The Mastermind’ Karl Rove, Dana Perino, Ari Fleischer, and Andrew Card.

Garofalo has revenge on her mind after Coulter handcuffed her to a cage and blasted her with a steel-folding chair a few weeks ago.

The Angry Left Wing Bloggers also want revenge on W’s Truth Squad after being attacked and left unconscious with the letter W spray painted on their backs.

(Note: on the blog and Newsline it shows the Right Wing Brigadiers as being the Angry Left Wing Bloggers opponents. That will change at the next PCW Extreme Political TV show)

PCW Women’s Champion ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin (American Heartland Coalition- another PCW faction) puts her title on the line in a three way dance against Kathryn Randall Collins managed by Hillary Clinton and accompanied by the Clinton Political Pitbulls James Carville and Paul Begala and Kalee Jones- The Eskimo Queen managed by The Alaskan Pitbull Sarah Palin.

Martin just completed graduate school and will be leaving Political Championship Wrestling in mid-June.

KRC and the Eskimo Queen have been embroiled in a feud revolving around a controversial referee, Paul Martin Adams aka PMA, brought in by John Murtha of the Progressive Alliance. PMA has repeated called matches as no contests just as The Eskimo Queen seemed to have the momentum on her side. (Note: there are no DQ’s in PCW).

KRC is a two time PCW Women’s champion who desperately wants the title back.

The Eskimo Queen is an up and comer who’s seeking her first PCW Women’s title.

(note: Mercedes from Domination Inc. will be added to the match to make it a four way dance for the title.)

PCW Tag Team Championship
PCW Tag Team Championship: Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit (Dick Cheney’s Extreme Neo-Con Alliance) vs. Cadillac and Jaguar (Domination Inc.)
Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit are former employees of Domination Inc. who were contractually forced to give up their titles by Mr. McMann. McMann’s original plan was to hand the titles to his new protegees Cadillac and Jaguar. PCW CEO Barack Obama nixed that idea and set up an 8 team tournament to determine the new champion. Big Oil and Walstreit/Cadillac and Jaguar made it through a tough PCW Tag Team division

SNAFU (Independent) defends the PCW Television Title against Newt Tron Bomb (American Patriots).
With the help of Dr. Bill- a Dr. Phil wannbe who spouts ridiculous platitudes masquerading as self-help mantra, SNAFU graduated from ‘talent enhancement’ to win the TV Title from ‘No Frill’s Chris Escondido.

N-Bomb defeated Dave the Mechanic in a #1 contender’s match to get another shot at the PCW TV Title. N-Bomb defeated SNAFU a few weeks back in a #1 contender’s match when Escondido was the TV Champion

———————–

Here is the complete card:

Main Event: PCW TITLE MATCH
PCW Champion O’Beck Bahama (Progressive Alliance) vs.
Domination Inc’s ‘Seven Foot Tall Weapon of Mass Destruction’ Big Monster Wahlie!

PCW TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH
Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit- Wall Street Analyst with the man crush on ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit (Dick Cheney’s Extreme Neo-Con Alliance) vs.
Cadillac and Jaguar (Domination Inc.)

PCW WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH
Kathryn Randall Collins aka…KRC (Progressive Alliance) vs.
Kalee Jones- The Eskimo Queen (SarahPAC) vs.
Mercedes (Domination Inc.) vs.
PCW Women’s Champion ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin (American Heartland Coalition)

PCW TELEVISION TITLE MATCH
PCW TV Champion SNAFU (Independent) vs.
Newt Tron Bomb (American Patriots)

Angry Left Wing Bloggers (Progressive Alliance) vs.
Right Wing Brigadiers (American Patriots)

Janeane Garofalo (Progressive Alliance) vs.
‘Queen of Political Extreme’ Ann Coulter in a Grudge Cage Deathmatch

Starz N. Stripes (Progressive Alliance) vs.
Quadruple R-Randy ‘Road Rage’ Richardson (Dick Cheney’s Extreme Neo-Con Alliance)
-if Starz N. Stripes wins, he gets 15 minutes with Dick Cheney at Club Gitmo
-if Quad R wins, W’s Image Rehab and Truth Squad gets to waterboard him

———————-

PCW LOOSE CANNONS UNLEASHED 5: June 7th from Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon in Wauseon, Ohio

HOSTS: Johnny Suave and his life size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain

******

Crowd: “PCW!…PCW!…PCW!…PCW!…PCW!…PCW!…” Suave: “HELLO…AND WELCOME TO P-C-W LOOSE CANNONS UNLEASHED FIVE!” A thunderous cheer follows. Crowd: “PCW!…PCW!…PCW!…” Suave: “I AM JOHNNY SUAVE. THIS SMOKIN’ HOT PIECE OF CARDBOARD IS SHANIA TWAIN. TONIGHT, WE ARE LIVE AT PCW’S SPIRITUAL HOME- HACK’S RUSTY NAIL SALOON!” Crowd: “JOHNNY SUAVE! JOHNNY SUAVE! JOHNNY SUAVE!…” Suave: “ALL FOUR TITLES ON THE LINE! LET’S RUN DOWN THE CARD ONE LAST TIME BEFORE OUR FIRST MATCH OF THE NIGHT!”

Main Event: PCW TITLE MATCH
PCW Champion O’Beck Bahama (Progressive Alliance) vs.
Domination Inc’s ‘Seven Foot Tall Weapon of Mass Destruction’ Big Monster Wahlie!

PCW TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH
Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit- Wall Street Analyst with the man crush on ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit (Dick Cheney’s Extreme Neo-Con Alliance) vs.
Cadillac and Jaguar (Domination Inc.)

PCW WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH
Kathryn Randall Collins aka…KRC (Progressive Alliance) vs.
Kalee Jones- The Eskimo Queen (SarahPAC) vs.
Mercedes (Domination Inc.) vs.
PCW Women’s Champion ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin (American Heartland Coalition)
*
PCW TELEVISION TITLE MATCH
PCW TV Champion SNAFU (Independent) vs.
Newt Tron Bomb (American Patriots)

Angry Left Wing Bloggers (Progressive Alliance) vs.
Right Wing Brigadiers (American Patriots)

Janeane Garofalo (Progressive Alliance) vs.
‘Queen of Political Extreme’ Ann Coulter in a Grudge Cage Deathmatch

Starz N. Stripes (Progressive Alliance) vs.
Quadruple R-Randy ‘Road Rage’ Richardson (Dick Cheney’s Extreme Neo-Con Alliance)
-if Starz N. Stripes wins, he gets 15 minutes with Dick Cheney at Club Gitmo
-if Quad R wins, W’s Image Rehab and Truth Squad gets to waterboard him
——————
A very pregnant Charlene Ann Beckworth climbs into the ring with some help from PCW Correspondent Gina Ramsey.

Crowd: “SHE’S HAVING TWINS! SHE’S HAVING TWINS!…” Charlene Ann: “Very funny. Very, very funny. Our first match tonight is a PCW Special Added Attraction!” The crowd cheers. Charlene Ann: “First, representing Fox News, he’s Mr. Anti-Spin, Bill O’Reilly!” Some in the crowd cheer. Others boo.

Charlene Ann: “His opponent is from MSNBC. It’s Keith Olbermann!” Some in the crowd cheer. Others boo. Olbermann and O’Reilly immediately engage in a war of words in the ring. Suave: “WHOA! It’s getting heated already!”

*IF YOU DON’T THINK I’M THE BEST WRESTLER THERE IS, THEN YOU DON’T KNOW JACK SCHETT!*
 
Aimee Allen’s ‘Start a Revolution’ starts to play. Suave: “WAIT A MINUTE! THAT’S JACK SCHETT’S MUSIC!”

Ron Paul, Jack Schett, Bull Schett, Horst Schett, and their extreme German Schnauzer Hans Gruber come out to a roaring ovation. The crowd sings along to “Start a Revolution” as they walk to the ring.

MATCH #1- Three Way Dance
BILL O’REILLY (Fox News) vs.
KEITH OLBERMANN (MSNBC) vs.

JACK SCHETT w/Ron Paul, Bull Schett, Horst Schett, and the Extreme German Schnauzer Hans Gruber (Ron Paul’s New Libertarian Army)

O’Reilly and Olbermann don’t know what to make of Schett. Suave: “O’Reilly and Olbermann came to the ring wanting to tear each other apart. But now, they may actually have to WORK TOGETHER to survive Can they do it?” The bell rings. Suave: “We’re gonna find out. Here we go. PCW Loose Cannons Unleashed 5 is under way! Olbermann and O’Reilly eye each other. Jack Schett is just waiting in his corner.” Both Olbermann and O’Reilly appear uncertain to what they should do. Suave: “O’Reilly sticks his leg through the ring ropes.” Crowd: “BOOOOOOOO!” Suave: “Now Olbermann sticks his leg through the ring ropes. Crowd: “BOOOOOOOO!” Jack Schett shakes his head. Crowd: “JACK’S GOING TO KILL YOU! (clap, clap clap-clap-clap) JACK’S GOING TO KILL YOU! (clap, clap clap-clap-clap) Suave: “Well! That’ll encourage them both to get back in the ring.” Jack feigns a step forward. Both O’Reilly and Olbermann go to the ring floor. Crowd: “BOOOOOOOOO!”

Olbermann grabs a mic. Olbermann: “Whoever set this match up is the WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD!” Olbermann glares at Jack Schett. Olbermann: “I don’t know who the hell *you* are. But get the hell out of the ring so I can wipe it up with Bill O’Reilly.” Jack smiles and leans up against the ropes. O’Reilly: “Listen Olbermann. You’re a pinhead. The pinhead of the day. You and your extreme left wing cronies at MSNBC have gone too far. I’m not advocating violence against you but I think people should go over and firebomb your house.” Crowd: “OOOOOOOH!” Olbermann: “I’m not going to rest until I kick you and your extreme right wing nuts at Fox off the air!” O’Reilly: “You just try!” Olbermann: “Oh yeah?” O’Reilly: “Yeah!” Suave: “Okay, let’s go guys.” Jack shakes his head and relaxes against the ring rope.

Referee Davey Keels finally tells both men to get back in the ring. O’Reilly is first. He tentatively climbs back in. Suave: “O’Reilly’s back in…Jack goes for a lock up…O’Reilly sticks his foot through the ropes.” Crowd: “BOOOOOOOOOO!” Suave: “I’m telling you. Somehow, someway, O’Reilly and Olbermann are going to have to work together!” Olbermann back in the ring. He edges away from Jack. Jack retreats back to his corner and waits. Olbermann inches closer to O’Reilly. O’Reilly completely goes through the ring ropes and leans against the turnbuckle on the apron. Olbermann takes another step forward. Suave: “Wait a minute. I think Olbermann is finally getting it.” Olbermann takes one last peek back at Jack…and then cheap shots O’Reilly by kicking his legs out from under him while he’s on the apron. Suave: “Well…maybe not.” O’Reilly falls to the floor. Olbermann follows. Suave: “Olbermann whips O’Reilly into the steel ring step- ..HERE COMES JACK SCHETT!” Jack leaps through the ropes and plows Olbermann hard into O’Reilly against the steel ring steps. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Crowd: “HOLY ####! HOLY ####!”

Suave: “UNBELIEVABLE! Jack rolls Olbermann and Bull Schett comes over and throws O’Reilly back in the ring. Horst Schett comes over with two bricks. Olbermann and O’Reilly are laid out on the canvas in opposite corners. Suave: “Here we go…double Schett brick coming…GLENN BECK? HARDBALL CHRIS MATTHEWS! IT’S GLENN BECK AND HARDBALL CHRIS MATTHEWS!” Beck and Matthews run to the ring from opposite sides. Bull Schett moves to cut off Beck. Horst motions to the Extreme German Schnauzer Hans Gruber. The dog takes off after Matthews. Suave: “THE BRICKS ARE IN PLACE! HOLY CRAP! BULL SCHETT JUST CLOTHESLINED THE HELL OUT OF GLENN BECK! AND HANS GRUBER JUST BIT MATTHEWS IN THE GROIN! MATTHEWS SPINS AROUND…IT LOOKS LIKE THAT SCENE FROM THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY WHERE BEN STILLER IS SPINNING AROUND WITH THE DOG CLAMPED ON HIS CROTCH! JACK AND BULL JUMP! SCHETT-BRICK! SCHETT-BRICK!” Jack and Bull cover. Referee Keels slides over to where Jack is covering O’Reilly. One…two…three…

Charlene Ann: “Your winner…JACK SCHETT!” Aimee Allen’s ‘Start a Revolution fires back up and the Schett’s celebrate with Ron Paul in the ring. Suave: “Jack Schett gets PCW Loose Cannons Unleashed 5 off to a roaring start by taking out Keith Olbermann and Bill O’Reilly!

Hardball Chris Matthews finally passes out after spinning around in vain to remove Hans Gruber ‘s jaws from his groin.

Suave: “We’re going to take a quick look at the next match between PCW Television Champion SNAFU and Newt Tron Bomb.”

——————-

REPLAY: 5/17-PCW ON P-SPAN SHOW: SNAFU wins the PCW Television Title
Escondido climbs the top rope- Dr. Bill sneaks over and crotches the TV champ on the top turnbuckle. SNAFU grabs Escondido and a Belly to Belly Suplexes him from the top rope. Escondido back up, SNAFU clotheslines him back down. Russian leg sweep by SNAFU. Emanuel in. German suplex by SNAFU on Rahm-bo. Dr. Bill throws a chair at Escondido. SNAFU spins around and kicks the chair in his face. SNAFU for the triple jump moonsault…splashes Escondido. SNAFU grabs the chair. Arabian Facebuster. SNAFU covers. One. Two. Three.
*
REPLAY: 5/20 PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV: SNAFU and Dr. Bill Celebrate
SNAFU comes to the ring holding up the PCW Television belt. ‘The Dr. Phil wannabe’ Dr. Bill follows with a huge grin. Dr. Bill takes the mic. Dr. Bill: “Take it from a guy: If you’re in love with somebody, you will swim the stream, you will climb the mountain, you will slay the dragon. You’re going to get to her somehow, some way. SNAFU wanted the PCW Television belt. He swam the stream. He climbed the mountain. And he slayed the dragon!” SNAFU points to the TV Title belt. Dr. Bill: “Sometimes you make the right decision, sometimes you make the decision right. Everyone told him he couldn’t graduate from ‘talent enhancement.’ Well, he made the decision right Sunday night…”
*
ANNOUNCER: A new challenger to the Television then stepped forward…
*
REPLAY: 5/27 PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV: #1 Contenders Match between Newt Tron Bomb w/Daisy Cutter-Bomb (American Patriots) and the American Trucker w/Tequila Sheila (American Heartland Coalition)

Daisy Cutter-Bomb comes over and clotheslines American Trucker. Newt Tron Bomb follows with an inverted DDT. Daisy follows with an Daisy Cutter Power Bomb. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” N-Bomb kicks American Trucker’s knee. N-Bomb knees American Trucker and rolls back to his feet.” Daisy sets a table up. Suave: “Well, that can’t be good. N-Bomb pulls American Trucker up. DDT THROUGH THE TABLE! HOLY CRAP!” Daisy rolls American Trucker back in the ring. Suave: “N-Bomb also back in. He backs his butt up to American Trucker’s face. EWWWWW! SILENT BUT DEADLY! SILENT BUT DEADLY!” The referee, holding his nose and his breath, rapidly counts to three and gets out of harm’s way.

———————

Charlene Ann: “Our next match is for the PCW Television Title. On his way to the ring at this time, weighing in at 200 pounds from Alamogordo, New Mexico. He’s a member of American Patriots and accompanied by Daisy Cutter-Bomb, Newt Tron Bomb!” The crowd cheers as N-Bomb climbs into the ring. Charlene Ann: “And his opponent, weighing in at 225 pounds, from Norway, Maine. He’s accompanied by Dr. Bill and holds the PCW Television Title title belt, SNAFU!” SNAFU climbs into the ring.

MATCH #2 for the PCW Television Title:
SNAFU w/Dr. Bill (Independent) (c) vs.
NEWT TRON BOMB w/Daisy Cutter-Bomb (American Patriots)

The bell rings. Suave: “There’s the bell. N-Bomb charges out! SNAFU gets nailed with an axhandle bodyblock! Baba chop. N-Bomb with a waist lock on now. Belly to Belly Suplex! It is all N-Bomb so far…SNAFU COMES BACK WITH A CLOTHESLINE!” Dr. Bill slides a chair in. SNAFU sets it up. Suave: “Triple Jump Moonsault on the waaaaay. YES! Cover. One…N-Bomb kicks right out. N-Bomb goes for a splash but SNAFU gets out of the way. SNAFU picks up N-Bomb…Fall Away Slam! SNAFU with a suplex. SNAFU with a VERTICAL SUPLEX. Now SNAFU mounts N-Bomb AND STARTS PUNCHING AWAY!” Daisy Cutter-Bomb up on the ring apron yelling at the referee. N-Bomb back up and whips himself off the ropes…AND RIGHT INTO A DROP TOE HOLD ONTO THE CHAIR! After a quick start, N-Bomb is in big trouble. SNAFU covers. One…Two…No! N-Bomb gets the shoulder up.”

SNAFU pulls N-Bomb up. Suave: “Gut Wrench Powerbomb on the open chair! SNAFU up top. 450 Splash! Oh man. N-Bomb just got crushed on that steel folding chair! Cover…one…two…NO! N-BOMB JUST GETS THE SHOULDER UP! WOW! OHHHHHHH so close!” SNAFU now goes to a reverse chin lock. Dr. Bill gets in the ring with his clipboard. Suave: “What the hell is he doing in there?” Dr. Bill takes a couple cheap shots with the clipboard. Suave: “Aw come on!” Daisy again up to the ring apron. Suave: “N-Bomb is getting worked over. But he escapes and decides to roll to the floor. Dr. Bill grabs a table and sets it up. SNAFU slams N-Bomb’s head onto the table. That impact was sickening. SNAFU steps back…SUPERKICK INTO THE TABLE! SNAFU up top!…HOLY CRAP! SENTON THROUGH THE TABLE!” Crowd: “PCW!…PCW!…PCW!…”

Suave: “SNAFU BACK UP ON TOP AGAIN…” Daisy slides into the ring. She runs across and crotches him on the top rope. Suave: “DAISY CUTTER-BOMB MAKES THE SAVE! NOW DR. BILL HAS A HOLD OF HER HAIR!” Dr. Bill tries to pull her by the hair from the ring. Daisy’s arm whips around. *CRRACKK* Suave: “HOLY CRAP! BACKFIST TO THE MUSH BY DAISY!” Dr. Bill flies off the apron to the floor. Suave: “DAISY IS GIVING N-BOMB INVALUABLE TIME TO COLLECT HIMSELF OUTSIDE THE RING.” N-Bomb pulls himself up. SNAFU lying on the ring apron. Suave: “N-Bomb goes up top. Now *he’s* going for a high risk move.” He MISSES the shooting star press, hits the corner of the ring apron, and falls harmlessly to the floor. Dr. Bill, bleeding from a cut courtesy of Daisy’s backfist, drapes him on a table on the floor. Suave: “He just hit this a couple moments ago. Can he do it again? SNAFU up top…HOLY CRAP! SPLASH THROUGH THE TABLE!”

The referee climbs out of the ring to survey the situation. N-Bomb tries to get up. SNAFU grabs him and throws him into the ring. Suave: “Overhead Belly to Belly Suplex! Cover. One…tw- kick out by N-Bomb. N-Bomb back up. Russian Leg Sweep puts him right back down.” SNAFU finds a chair. He gets a running start. ARABIAN FACEBUSTER! ARABIAN FACEBUSTER. COVER. ONE. TWO.. THREE.

Charlene Ann: “The winner of this match, and still PCW Television Title champion, SNAFU!!!

Suave: “SNAFU with an impressive win here tonight and…oh, oh.” Daisy Cutter-Bomb has Dr. Bill by the shirt collar. Suave: “Daisy’s got Dr. Bill! And SNAFU…is just watching?” Daisy lifts Dr. Bill. *WHAM!* Suave: “HOLY CRAP! DAISY CUTTER POWERBOMB THROUGH A TABLE!” Dr. Bill’s out cold in the wreckage of what’s left of the table. Suave: “And SNAFU just watched her to do it?” SNAFU shrugs his shoulders and leaves with the belt.

——————–

POLITICAL CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING IS PRESENTED BY:

Suave: “As they lower the cage down for our next match between the ‘Queen of Political Extreme’ Ann Coulter and Janeane Garofalo, let’s take a quick look back at this little feud that flared up a couple months ago…”

REPLAY: 4/26 PCW ON P-SPAN:
Steel Cage Grudge Match-Janeane Garofalo (Progressive Alliance) vs. PCW Women’s Champion ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin (American Heartland Coalition)

Announcer: “This first started as a feud between Garofalo and the Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl over Garofalo’s comments about ordinary Americans involved in the Boston Tea Party demonstrations across the country. But soon, it led to this…”

…Suave: “TESSA MARTIN GETS THE WIN AND…NOW WHAT? DICK CHENEY WANTS TO SHAKE TESSA’S HAND NOW? IS HE NUTS?” Dick thrusts his hand out to Tessa. Tessa looks around the crowd to gauge their response. Dick: “Shake my f###### hand!” Tessa’s eyes widen. Then she Pizza Cutters Dick. The crowd explodes. Suave: “PIZZA CUTTER! PIZZA CUTTER! TESSA JUST PIZZA CUTTERED DICK!…NOW SHE’S BEING ATTACKED BY W’S IMAGE REHAB AND TRUTH SQUAD!” Card, Perino, Fleischer, and Rove beat down Tessa. ‘The Queen of Political Extreme’ Ann Coulter and former PCW Women’s Champion Hallie Burton enter the cage.

Coulter grabs Garofalo and handcuffs her to the side of the cage. Suave: “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? THE QUEEN OF POLITICAL EXTREME ANN COULTER HAS HANDCUFFED JANEANE GAROFALO TO THE CAGE. AND NOW, ARI FLEISCHER AND ANDREW CARD HAVE BROUGHT IN A BARREL FULL OF WATER? AND A BOARD? Oh…no.” Burton pulls Tessa up and drapes her on the board. Perino handcuffs Tessa’s arms behind her back around the board and Fleischer and Card lower her into the water. Suave: “NO! STOP THEM! THAT’S NOT RIGHT!” Lamb: “My God. Are they actually…waterboarding her?” Suave: “WHAT THE HELL DOES IT LOOK LIKE, BRIAN?” Suave jumps on top of the announcer’s table. Suave: “DICK, THIS IS WRONG! STOP IT!” Dick sneers at Suave and has a microphone. Dick: “Of course you would think that way, Suave. Because you’re weak. You all are weak! When you face an enemy, do you worry about piddly little minute details such as the Geneva Convention?” Coulter takes a steel chair and blasts Garofalo with it. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! SHE’S KNOCKED OUT!”

ANNOUNCER: Garofalo responded to Coulter’s attack the next week on PCW Extreme Political TV.

REPLAY: 5/17 PCWExtreme Political TV: Garofalo issues a challenge
Garofalo:
“Ann Coulter. You. Me. Steel cage match. We’re going to settle this once and for all. You won’t have Dick Cheney or any of his henchmen to help you. It’ll take more than the Geneva Convention to keep me from kicking your ass all over that cage. You got one on me last month. I’m going to get it back in spades on June 7th.”

——————-

Charlene Ann: Our next match is a Steel Cage Grudge Deathmatch. On her way to the ring at this time, weighing in at 168 pounds, from Los Angeles, CA a member of Progressive Alliance, Janeane Garofalo! Janeane Garofalo walks towards the ring. Ann Coulter already inside pacing back and forth.

Charlene Ann: “And her opponent, weighing in at 165 pounds, from Washington, D.C. a member of American Patriots, ‘The Queen of Political Extreme’ Ann Coul- HEY!” Suave: “GAROFALO CHARGED PAST CHARLENE ANN BECKWORTH AND SPEARED COULTER. THEY ROLL AROUND. CAT-FIIIIIIIGHT! CAT-FIIIIIIIGHT!” The referee quickly gets Charlene Ann out of the ring. Suave: “Yeah, not a very bright move on Garofalo’s part, shoving past a nine month pregnant woman!” Charlene Ann safely out of harm’s way. The ref calls for the bell.

MATCH #3 Steel Cage Grudge Deathmatch- winner either pins her opponent or climbs out of the cage first
JANEANE GAROFALO (Progressive Alliance) vs.
‘The Queen of Political Extreme’ ANN COULTER (American Patriots)


Suave:
GAROFALO BITES THE QUEEN OF POLITICAL EXTREME!” Garofalo spits out a piece of skin and then yanks hard on Coulter’s hair. Coulter pushes her away. She bends down and tries to lift Garofalo. Garofalo reverses. Armdrag takedown. Suave: “Garofalo turns Coulter upside down…OW! SHE RAMS COULTER’S FACE INTO THE CAGE!…AND AGAIN…AND AGAIN! NOW A SIDEWALK SLAM BY GAROFALO! COULTER’S IN A WORLD OF HURT RIGHT NOW! GAROFALO’S CLIMBING OUT OF THE CAGE!” She makes it three steps up before Coulter grabs her ankles and pulls them off the cage. Suave: “GAROFALO HANGING ON FOR DEAR LIFE! COULTER’S TUGGING AT HER LEGS!” Coulter yanks hard on the legs. Garofalo loses her grip and falls straight down, bouncing off the cage and the ring apron. Coulter takes a few steps back. She runs and slides below the bottom rope and belts Garofalo in the mouth with her boots. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! GAROFALO MIGHT HAVE TO ACTIVATE HER DENTAL PLAN AFTER THAT WICKED BASEBALL SLIDE BY COULTER!”

Coulter brings her back in. Series of punches grounds Garofalo. Knee drop by Coulter. Blatant chokehold by Coulter. Suave: “Referee Davey Keels has his hands full with these two. He finally got Coulter to break the chokehold. Coulter wants to drop the elbow, but Garofalo rolls away. Coulter hits an earringer. She tries another one. Garofalo stops Coulter’s hand.” *SLAP* Suave: “And just slaps her silly across the face. Garofalo going for a dropkick…got it! GAROFALO CLIMBING THE CAGE AGAIN! SHE MAY MAKE IT! SHE’S HALFWAY UP!” Coulter finally gets up and shakes the cage. Garofalo comes back down backfirst, hits the top rope, and does a 360 flip into the ring landing hard on the canvas. Crowd: “HOLY S###! HOLY S###!” Suave: “That wasn’t one of her better landings, for sure.” Knee drop by Coulter. Falling headbutt. She turns Garofalo over and rubs her face in the mat. Garofalo back kick low bridges Coulter. Suave: “Coulter bent over from the low blow. Follow up neckbreaker by Garofalo. Garofalo drops the leg on the throat of Coulter…and pulls her back up by her hair… a snap mare takeover. Elbowdrop. Janeane Garofalo in completel control right now. Leg drop to the ‘Queen of Political Extreme.’ Neck breaker. Cover. One…two…NO! Coulter gets her shoulder up!”

Garofalo presses the attack. She backs Coulter into a corner. Mounted punches follow. Suave: “Coulter is taking a lot of punishment here. Garofalo sends her for the ride across the ring into the other corner. Garofalo going for the splash…AND MISSED! She staggers back…REVERSE NECKBREAKER BY COULTER! BACK AND FORTH ACTION HERE IN THE EXTREME GRUDGE DEATHMATCH! Now it’s Garofalo sent for the ride…CLOTHESLINE BY COULTER! COVER! ONE…TWO…NO! KICKOUT BY GAROFALO! FACE RAKE BY GAROFALO!” Coulter staggers backwards. Her hands try to clear her vision. Suave: “MISSILE DROPKICK BY GAROFALO SENDS THE QUEEN OF POLITICAL EXTREME INTO THE SIDE OF THE CAGE!” Garofalo grabs the back of Coulter’s head and rams it repeatedly into the cage. Suave: “SMALL PACKAGE BY GAROFALO! ONE…TWO…NO! COULTER KICKS OUT. ANOTHER COVER BY GAROFALO. ONE…TWO…AGAIN, COULTER KICKS OUT. ANOTHER COVER. ONE…TWO…NO! COULTER GETS HER SHOULDER UP JUST IN TIME!.”

Garofalo reaches into her trunks. Suave: “What is she doing?” She blows powder into Coulter’s eyes. Suave: “GAROFALO BLINDS COULTER! AIRPLANE SPIN! AIRPLANE SPIN BY GAROFALO! COULTER DUMPED. COVER. ONE…TWO…THREE!

The referee opens the cage door and helps Charlene Ann inside. Charlene Ann: “The winner of this match, Janeane Garofalo!”

Garofalo flips off Coulter and begins to leave. Just as she reaches the cage door, it slams shut on her and nails her in the face. Suave: “Holy crap! IT’S THE PCW WOMEN’S CHAMPION ‘EXTREME PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL TESSA MARTIN!” Garofalo lies stunned on the ring canvas. Crowd: “PLEASE DON’T GO…PLEASE DON’T GO!” Tessa: “Thanks. I thought as being this is officially my final night in PCW…” Crowd: “PLEASE DON’T GO…PLEASE DON’T GO!” Tessa: “Tonight, I’m taking care of all unfinished business before I leave.” Tessa picks up Garofalo. Suave: “PIZZA CUTTER! PIZZA CUTTER FOR GAROFALO!” Tessa eyes the fallen Ann Coulter. Suave: “What she going to do now? She walks over to Coulter…and throws her out of the ring.” Coulter goes flying out of the open cage door to the ring floor.

Suave:
“JANEANE GAROFALO GETS THE BIG WIN FOR THE PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE HERE. AND PCW WOMEN’S CHAMPION ‘EXTREME PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL’ TESSA MARTIN CLOSES THE BOOK ON TWO OF HER RECENT ADVERSARIES.

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———————–

Suave: “We’re almost ready for the PCW Tag Team title match between Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit and Cadillac and Jaguar. Last month, Domination Inc. CEO ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann exercised a clause in Big Oil and Walstreit’s employment that gave him the power to drop their titles for them. McMann wanted the belts to go to Cadillac and Jaguar. PCW CEO Barack Obama ruled that while McMann had the contractual right to make Big Oil and Walstreit drop the belts, he did not have the authority to assign the belts to someone else. Thus an eight team tournament followed.”

REPLAY: 5/6 PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV: McMann hands Big Oil and Walstreit at plaque and demands the Tag Team belts in return.
McMann reads the plaque. McMann: “Congratulations to a couple of team players. You’ve been worthy tag team champions……But now that you’ve had a good 6 month run as champion, it’s time to turn over the belts To Cadillac and Jaguar?” Suave: “WHAT! Big Oil and Walstreit are totally stunned.”

REPLAY: 5/17 PCW ON P-SPAN-‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann strips Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit of the Tag Team Titles
McMann: “Gentlemen, I direct you to Domination Inc’s Corporate Counsel- Felcher and Felcher. B Felcher reads from what appears to be a contract. B Felcher: “Clause 17-B in your employment agreement. An Executive of Domination Inc. has the right to relinquish from Domination Inc. employee any title as he or she sees fit.” McMann: “Or in other words, I have the right to make you drop the titles. Therefore, as a duly appointed executive, I declare that Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit have forfeited their titles and that the new PCW Tag Team champions are Cadillac and Jaguar.”

Announcer: “So, Mr. McMann decreed that per his contract, he could make Cadillac and Jaguar the new PCW Tag Team champions. Then the PCW CEO Barack Obama came out to address the situation.”

McMann: “There’s nothing you can do about it, Obama. I’ve got this covered lock, stock, and barrel.” Holder takes a copy of the contract and starts to read through the document. Obama: “All right. Given the extraordinary nature of what’s going on here. I’m going to ask Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit to leave their belts with Eric Holder. We will review this and I will come back out later tonight to make my ruling.”

Announcer:
“The PCW CEO came back out later to make his decision.”

Obama: “Gentlemen. Mr. Holder has reviewed the contracts in question and this is what we’ve decided. It is agreed that Mr. McMann has the right contractually to make Big Oil and Walstreit forfeit the PCW Tag Team belts.” Cadillac and Jaguar’s eyes light up. Big Oil and Walstreit wave away the decision and walk to the back. Obama: “However, Mr. McMann’s contract does not supersede PCW by-laws. Therefore, I declare the title vacant and subject to an eight tag team tournament that will begin next Sunday night right here on P-SPAN.”

Announcer: “The tournament began with eight. Last Sunday, it was down to four…”

REPLAY: Semi-Final #1 of the PCW Tag Team Tournament between BIG OIL and KIRK WALSTREIT (Dick Cheney’s Extreme Neo-Con Alliance) and HUNTER the HUNTER and GRIZZLY ADAM w/’The Alaskan Pitbull’ Sarah Palin (SarahPAC)
...Hunter whips Big Oil to the corner of the ring. Grizzly Adam German suplexes Big Oil. Big Oil bounces Grizzly Adam off the ropes and clotheslines him. Kirk Walstreit in. Walstreit nails Grizzly Adam with a double underhook suplex. Grizzly Adam comes back and scoops Walstreit up and powerslams him through a table! He goes for the cover. Keels counts. …1 …2 Walstreit kicks out…

…Hunter gets to the corner and tags Grizzly Adam in. Grizzly Adam promptly gets hit with a dragon screw from Walstreit. Grizzly Adam Hunter the Hunter back in. Hunter punches Walstreit. Hunter pins Walstreit against the ropes and chokes him with his forearm. Forearm to the head. Quad R Randy ‘Road Rage’ Richardson again hits the ring. Suplex to Hunter. Quad R to the top rope…Senton Bomb!

Walstreit knees Hunter. Then an elbowdrop. Walstreit hooks Hunter’s face and drives him into a chair. Hunter’s face is busted open! Walstreit covers…1 …2 …3

REPLAY: Semi-Final #2 of the PCW Tag Team Tournament between ‘No Frills’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO and STARZ N. STRIPES w/Rahm Emanuel (Progressive Alliance) and CADILLAC and JAGUAR (Domination Inc.)
Cadillac places ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido on the turnbuckle and executes a front-layout suplerplex. Follow up clothesline to Escondido. Cadillac quickly tags in Jaguar and then double underhooks Escondido and tiger drives him. Jaguar chimes in with punches, allowing Cadillac to hit a belly-to-back suplex on Escondido. Starz N. Stripes throws a chair at Cadillac. Starz spins around and kicks the chair in his face. ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido gets up. Jaguar hits Escondido with a double arm DDT. Escondido gets to the corner and tags Starz N. Stripes in…

…Jaguar jumps onto Escondido’s shoulders, twists, and DDT’s him onto the floor. Connor Justice and D.B. Ruff run around to interfere. Justice with a chokehold on Escondido. D.B. Ruff chokes Starz with his boot. Ruff goes for the taser but Rahm Emanuel runs over and chokes him with a microphone cable. F-Bomb to Ruff. Emanuel grabs a chair…he smashes Justice over the head with it! F-Bomb to Justice. Emanuel clotheslines Jaguar. F-Bomb to Jaguar. Quad R in again. He chokes Escondido with a microphone cable. Emanuel over, Quad R hooks in a double underhook and tiger drives him on the floor. Quad R sets up a table and drapes Escondido on a table. Quad R leg drops Escondido through the table. Quad R throws Escondido back into the ring. Jaguar nails a corkscrew legdrop on Escondido. A spinning leg lariat follows. Escondido in trouble. Jaguar thrust kicks him in the head. Jaguar covers and hooks the leg. Keels counts the pin. …1 …2 …3

—————

Charlene Ann Beckworth back in the ring. Charlene Ann: “This next match is for the PCW Tag Team Title. In this corner, representing Dick Cheney’s Extreme Neo-Con Alliance, former PCW Tag Team champions- Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit- Wall Street Analyst with the man crush on ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit!” The crowd applauds. Walstreit holds up his portrait of ESPN College Football Analyst Kirk Herbstreit for everyone to see.

Charlene Ann: “Their opponents wrestle for Domination Inc. They are the team of Cadillac and Jaguar.” Cadillac and Jaguar climb into the ring.

MATCH #4 PCW Tag Team Title Match
BIG OIL and KIRK WALSTREIT- Wall Street Analyst with a man crush on ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit (Dick Cheney’s Extreme Neo-Con Alliance) vs.
CADILLAC and JAGUAR w/Domination Inc.-CEO ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann, CFO Gordon Guykko, Rough Justice: D.B. Ruff and Connor Justice, and Extreme Enforcer Whiskey Tango Foxtrot (Domination Inc.)

The bell rings. Jaguar attacks and gets nailed with a charging axhandle bodyblock from Kirk Walstreit. Suave: “It’s going to be Jaguar and Walstreit to start. Walstreit connects with a knee. Jaguar responds with a kick to the gut. He backs up…and scissor kicks him to the mat. Jaguar picks up Walstreit and heaves him to the outside near the rest of Domination Inc- not a place he wants to be tonight.” Jaguar goes up to the second turnbuckle and leaps, nailing a second turnbuckle elbow drop. Suave: “Jaguar aggressive here to start. WHOA! ROPEFLIP HIPTOSS ON WALSTREIT! Jaguar back to the ring.”

D.B. Ruff of Rough Justice- two police officers fired for their extreme method of law enforcement, kicks Walstreit in the head. Walstreit moves back to his feet and climbs back in. Suave: “Jaguar tags Cadillac in. He immediately connects with a flying knee on Walstreit. Cadillac covers…one…Walstreit powers out of there. Cadillac follows up with punches to the head. He tags Jaguar back in.” Walstreit nails Jaguar with a double underhook suplex.” Walstreit with a leg drop. Jaguar pulls himself up. Walstreit dropkicks Jaguar. Kirk Walstreit is up again. Jaguar climbs to his feet. Cadillac and Jaguar doubleteam Walstreit to get the advantage. Suave: “Domination Inc. double team keeping Big Oil at bay. JAGUAR! WHOA! HE JUST NAILED AN INCREDIBLE CORKSCREW DDT! COVER. ONE…TW- NO! WALSTREIT KICKS OUT. CADILLAC IN THE RING. JAGUAR PULLS WALSREIT UP. CADILLAC GOES TO THE MAT. SPINNING HEEL KICK BY JAGUAR. TOTAL OBLITERATION! AND YES, IT’S THE SAME MOVE SATURN AND KRONUS MADE FAMOUS IN ECW- EXCEPT ADD TAJIRI’S KICKS TO THE MIX. WOW! COVER. ONE…TWO…BIG OIL IN THE RING. HERE WE GO! CHOKE SLAM TO JAGUAR! CHOKE SLAM TO CADILLAC. ROUGH JUSTICE IN THE RING NOW. CHOKE SLAM TO RUFF. JUSTICE TRIES TO TASER BIG OIL. CHOKE SLAM TO JUSTICE! ANOTHER COVER BY JAGUAR. ONE…TWO…WALSTREIT KICKED OUT! HOLY CRAP!”

Jaguar swiftly on the top rope. Leaps and lands double knees to Walstreit’s chest. Suave: “The action fast and furious now. Jaguar back to the top rope…whoa…he almost slipped off. Jaguar ready to jump…BIG OIL GOT HIM! CADILLAC UP! LOW BLOW! WOW!” Big Oil topples over with his hands covering his privates. Suave: “There goes Jaguar! FLYING HEADBUTT TO THE JEWELS! HOLY CRAP!” Big Oil contorts in pain. Walstreit back up. He pushes Cadillac into Jaguar. Jaguar goes flying out of the ring. Walstreit lifts Cadillac. Suave: “Wheelbarrow suplex! Cover…Cadillac isn’t the legal man in the ring. Walstreit going up top! Flying elbow to Jaguar. Jaguar holds his chest. Big Oil back up. HE’S GOT CADILLAC BY THE THROAT! CHOKE SLAM! CHOKE SLAM!”

Connor Justice and D.B. Ruff hit the ring. Suave: “Here we go! Justice has a triangle chokehold on Big Oil. D.B. Ruff whips Walstreit into the corner. HOLY CRAP! Ruff kicked Walstreit in the groin. HERE COMES QUAD R!” Quad R aka…Randy ‘Road Rage’ Richardson slides into the ring with a steel chair and low blows Justice. *CLANG* Suave: “Quad R hits Justice with the chair! *CLANG* Down goes Ruff!” *CLANG* Quad R clocks Jaguar with the chair. THE CORPORATE ENFORCER WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT IS IN THE RING!” Quad R instinctly goes after WTF. WTF grabs the chair with his hands. *CLANG* Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” WTF lifts Quad R up. *WHAM* Suave: “POWER BOMB! WAIT A MINUTE! WALSTREIT’S GOT JAGUAR IN THE COBRA CLUTCH!” The referee asks Jaguar if he gives up. McMann yells ‘hell, no’ from the outside. Suave: “Walstreit lets go and pulls Jaguar back up. He maneuvers him near a chair. DDT! Jaguar is busted open! Walstreit lifts Jaguar…STOCK MARKET PLUNGE! COVER ONE! TWO! THREE! WE HAVE NEW TWO TIME PCW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!”

Charlene Ann: “The winner of the match and the NEW PCW Tag Team Champions- Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit!”

Suave:
“BIG OIL AND KIRK WALSTREIT REGAIN THE TAG TEAM TITLES! AND THINGS AIN’T LOOKING GOOD FOR DOMINATION INC.” ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann stomps away. CFO Gordon Guyko follows shaking his head. The rest silently trudge to the back.

SLAND OF MISFIT WRESTLERS LOCKER ROOM
Another week; another locker room full of somber and depressed Island of Misfit Wrestlers (Mr. Jaundice, Captain Nausea, The Mysterious Dr. Mysterious, Michael Hunt and Richard Headd of Guys with Unfortunate Names, Dick Van Dam, Jimmy from So Cal, and Dread Pirate Douggie). Movie Classic walks in holding a DVD. Movie Classic: “My goodness. This is PCW’s flagship event! Loose Cannons Unleashed 5. This is an exciting event. Why…why the down faces?” Richard Headd: “Because, none of us are on the show.” Dread Pirate Douggie: “Talent enhancement never makes the big show.” Movie Classic: “So none of you made the big show. So what? I think we’ve made our mark the last couple weeks?”

REPLAY: 5/27 PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV- A stunning upset takes place
BMW leans in…CLAW! THE CLAWHOLD! BARON VON MUNCHKE’S GOT THE CLAW INNNNNN.” BMW swats the hand away and drills Von Munchke with the powerbomb. Suave: “That’ll take the steam right out of you! BMW stalking Baron Von Munchke now…WAIT A MINUTE! THAT’S…THAT’S THE PCW TELEVISION CHAMPION SNAFU! HE’S ON THE TOP ROPE!” SNAFU jumps and crashes the TV Title belt on the top of BMW’s head. BMW collapses in a heap. The crowd stands up. McMann’s eyes bulge out. Suave: “WAIT! HE’S…HE’S OUT!” Baron Von Munchke returns to a sitting position. Suave: “HE’S BEEN KNOCKED OUT!” Movie Classic can’t believe it either. Movie Classic: “DON’T JUST STAND THERE! PIN HIM! PIN HIM!” The Baron’s unsure what to do. He puts the Clawhold back on BMW. Movie Classic: “NO, DON’T CLAW HIM YOU MORON! PIN HIM!” Movie Classic gestures wildly at Von Munchke. The Baron finally covers. Crowd: “One. Two. Three.”Suave: “HOLY CRAP! HOLY FREAKIN’ CRAP! HE’S DONE IT! BARON VON MUNCHKE HAS DEFEATED BIG MONSTER WAHLIE! IT’S TOTAL PANDEMONIUM HERE.” SNAFU checks on the condition of BMW in the ring. Watching from outside the ring, Mr. McMann’s jaw is gaping open. Suave: “THE CROWD CAN’T BELIEVE IT. MR. McMANN CAN’T BELIEVE IT! HELL, I CAN’T BELIEVE IT. THIS IS ONE OF THE BIGGEST UPSETS IN PCW HISTORY!

Movie Classic: “See?” The Mysterious Dr. Mysterious: “I just feel like dying.” Movie Classic: “Oh. That’s just your anxieties talking. Besides, what shall we die for?” Dr. Mysterious: “Huh?” Movie Classic: “You heard me, what shall we die for? You all will listen to me! (shouts) LISTEN! The Brethren will still be looking here, to us, to the Black Pearl, to lead…” Richard Headd: “The Brethren?” Michael Hunt: “Black Pearl?” Movie Classic: “…and what will they see? Frightened bilge rats aboard a derelict ship? No. No, they will see free men and freedom!…” Dread Pirate Douggie: “What ship?” Movie Classic: “…And what the enemy will see is the flash of our cannons. They will hear the ring of our swords, and they will know what we can do…” Dread Pirate Douggie: “Cannon? Cool. Who brought the cannon?” Movie Classic: “…By the sweat of our brows and the strength of our backs, and the courage of our hearts. Gentlemen. Hoist the colors!” Everyone looks at each other. Headd: “Um…sir? We don’t have any colors.” Movie Classic: “Oh……well…we should get some.” Hunt: “Say, uh. What movie do you have?” Movie Classic: “Huh?” Hunt: “What movie do you have in your hands?” Movie Classic looks at the title. Then he holds up the DVD for everyone to see. It’s Pirates of the Caribbean- At World’s End. Dread Pirate Douggie: “Ah. Good one sir.”

—————-

Suave: “We’re back. If the Angry Left Wing Bloggers are at war with the American Patriots, really at war with the Right Wing Brigadiers, how do they feel about W’s Image Rehab and Truth Squad?”

REPLAY: 4/7 PCW NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS: W’s Image Rehab and Truth Squad’s first attack
…“Dana Perino, Ari Fleisher, and Andrew Card stand over an unconscious Robert Gibbs- Obama’s spokesman. Fleisher has a lead pipe in his hand. ‘The Mastermind’ Karl Rove makes his return to Political Championship Wrestling and points to his temple to make sure everyone knows he’s a freakin’ genius. Rove produces a can of spray paint and puts a “W” on Gibbs’s back. Perino then tells the camera that this is only the first. She says the W. Image Rehabilitation Team will do whatever it takes to restore the good name of George W.“

REPLAY: 4/22 PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV: another attack
In the back, Dick Cheney hovers over the prone bodies of the four Angry Left Wing Bloggers with a barbed wire covered baseball bat. Fleischer, Perino, and Card stand behind him. Dick: “Sometimes, harsh techniques produces results. Sometimes, you have to take it to the extreme.”

REPLAY: 4/29 PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV: Cheney speaks out
Dick Cheney and the rest of W’s Image Rehab and Truth Squad- “The Mastermind” Karl Rove, Dana Perino, Ari Fleischer, and Andrew Card, appear and they head to the ring. Twenty-five percent of the audience cheers. The rest boo. They climb into the ring. Rove keeps pointing to his temple to make sure everyone knows he’s a friggin’ genius. Cheney: “Oh boo-f***-ing hoo. Where is he?” Pelosi: “Where is who?” Cheney: “Where is that two-timing ***** ******* traitor Arlen Specter? If you see him, tell him I’ve got a ticket for him.” Pelosi: “A ticket?” Cheney: “That’s right. A ticket. A one way ticket to what I like to call- Club Gitmo.” The lights shine on the side of PCW Hall and illuminate a pool of water and a board on the side to lower someone in. More boos roll in. Cheney: “Just like Janeane Garofalo found out last week. Just like ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin found out last week. Just like Arlen Specter is going to find out THIS week.” Cheney pauses for more boos. Cheney: “If you’re not with us, you’re against us. Arlen Specter…where ever you’re hiding…if you can’t stand the heat…we’ll, don’t worry…I’VE got something that’ll cool you right off.” Cheney points to the waterboarding device inside ‘Club Gitmo.’

REPLAY: 5/27 PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV: Pulp Fiction Promo segment
Starz N. Stripes (Progressive Alliance). Starz: “Domination Inc. Sunday night, ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido and I are going to-” ‘The Mastermind’ Karl Rove, Dana Perino, Ari Fleischer, and Andrew Card…aka W’s Image Rehab and Truth Squad, jump Starz and beat him down… …Starz Beatdown. Rove spray paints the letter ‘W’ on Starz’s back. Dick Cheney approves.

Later on that night…
Suave:
“The Angry Left Wing Bloggers (Daily Kos, Jane Hamsher, Media Matters For America, and Eric Alterman are in the ring.” Daily Kos: “After W’s Image Rehab and Truth Squad’s attack tonight, The Angry Left Wing Bloggers have decided that we’d rather wrestle them instead of the Right Wing Brigadiers. So, PCW schmucks? Make it happen.”

———————

Suave: “This is going to be a war.”

MATCH #5
ANGRY LEFT WING BLOGGERS: DAILY KOS, MEDIA MATTERS FOR AMERICA, JANE HAMSHER, AND ARIANNA HUFFINGTON (Progressive Alliance) vs.
W’S IMAGE REHAB AND TRUTH SQUAD: DANA PERINO, ANDREW CARD, ARI FLEISCHER, AND ‘The Mastermind’ KARL ROVE (Dick Cheney’s Extreme Neo-Con Alliance) Daily Kos grabs a chair. Fleischer takes a chair from someone in the crowd to even the odds. Suave: “Forget the bell. Not needed.” Kos and Fleischer swing the chairs. *CLANK* They meet harmlessly in the middle. Kos ducks outside. Card blasts him with uppercuts. Kos tries to fight back. Perino sneaks in and gets a low blow to the groinshot on Kos. Huffington and Hamsher immediately come careening around the corner. Suave: “I’m just going to sit back and watch the mayhem.” Perino double clotheslines Hamsher and Huffington. Media Matters pulls Card off Daily Kos and eats more uppercuts. Kos tries to climb back into the ring but Card and Fleischer drag him right back out. More uppercuts by Card. Media Matters gets loose and slams Card face first onto the floor.

Kos and Fleischer get back in the ring. Kos clotheslines Fleischer over the top rope back to the floor. Kos whips himself off the ropes and propels himself onto Fleischer on the floor! Kos works him over. Kos flings Fleischer into the steel guardrail. Kos for a splash…Fleischer gets out of the way. *CLANG* Media Matters chairshot sends Fleischer to the floor. ‘The Mastermind’ Karl Rove takes advantage of the confusion. He leaps off the top rope and blasts Media Matters into the steel guardrail. Kos hooks Rove. Suplex on the floor! Huffington and Hamsher double team Perino. Arianna blasts Perino with closed fists. The referee tries to stop her. Huffington pushes the referee out of the way. Hamsher quickly up the turnbuckle. Skies off the top pad of the turnbuckle and splashes Perino. Huffington rams Perino’s face into the corner. Kos and Fleischer continue to brawl outside the ring. Media Matters chokes Card on the ropes. Kos tosses Fleischer into the steel guardrails. Kos grabs a mic cable off the ringside table and chokes Fleischer with it.

Kos drags Fleischer back to the ring. Suplex. Cover. One…two…Fleischer kicks out. Kos slaps on a bear hug and tries to squeeze the air out of Fleischer. Kos hits the big clothesline. Cover. One…two…no! Again, Fleischer kicks out. Huffington and Hamsher continue to abuse Perino. Card battles Media Matters on the outside. Rove is ko’d. Kos hits an elbow drop on Fleischer. Cover. One…two…th- no! Suave: “THAT WAS 2.888. Very close.” Kos drags Fleischer to the corner and calls for a chair. Arianna tosses one in. Kos places it in front of Fleischer. Two steps back. Dropkick to the chair. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! Kos nailed that one. Fleischer topples over. Kos covers. One…two…HEAD’S UP- IT’S THE RIGHT WING BRIGADIERS!” Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, Laura Ingraham, Michelle Malkin hit the ring. Suave: “Here we go!” Beck and Hannity take on Kos. Ingraham chases after Arianna. Malkin and Hamsher roll around the outside of the ring. Suave: “CAT-FIIIIIIIIGHT! CAT-FIIIIIIIGHT!……you know, I never get tired of saying that.”

*Opening bars of Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Don’t Stop’ play*

Suave: “HOLY CRAP! IS HE HERE! COULD IT BE?” A spotlight searches the bar. The crowd explodes when a plaid shirted man with a steel-folding chair and a mocha appears. Suave: “HE’S HERE! HE’S BACK! IT’S THE TREE HUGGIN’, MOCHA CHUGGIN’, TOBACCO COMPANY BUGGIN’, INSANE EXTREME CHAIR SWINGING ALPHA MALE! THE ENVIROMENTAL EXTREME HARDCORE ICON- AL GORE!” A huge roar fills the bar and a white haired man joins him. Suave: “AND BILL CLINTON IS HERE WITH HIM! HOLY CRAP!” the crowd sings: “Don’t stop, thinking about tomorrow.” Gore holds up his mocha, inside an environmentally friendly biodegradable container of course, and chugs it down. Then he spews it out of his mouth into the crowd and then crushes the paper container on his forehead in a manly fashion. Suave: “HE’S BACK IN PCW!” The Environmental Extreme Hardcore Icon and Clinton slowly make their way through the crowd. Clinton starts to run to the ring but Gore stops. He pulls out another container of mocha, guzzles it down, spews it into the crowd, and then smashes the container on his forehead while Clinton waits. Again, Gore on the move. They reach the floor around the ring. Clinton breaks for the ring. Gore pulls out yet another container of mocha. He guzzles it down and spews it into the crowd before crushing the container on his forehead. Again, Clinton has to wait.

Suave: “HEY WAIT A MINUTE! IT’S RAHM-BO! RAHM EMANUEL! F-BOMB TO HANNITY! F-BOMB TO BECK. F-BOMB TO CARD! EMANUEL IS DROPPING F-BOMBS ALL OVER THE PLACE!” Kos drags Fleischer to the middle of the ring. Cover. One. Two. Three. Suave: “THAT’S IT!” Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Don’t Stop’ begins to play again. Suave: “Al Gore was the distraction. Rahm Emanuel was the hammer. Dropping F-Bombs left and right on both W’s Image Rehab and Truth Squad and the Right Wing Brigadiers, Emanuel freed up Daily Kos to score the pin.”

WINNER: ANGRY LEFT WING BLOGGERS

——————

Gina Ramsey comes out. Gina: “Hey y’all. It’s Gina Ramsey with tonight’s PCW Newsline!” She gets a standing ovation from the crowd. Gina: “Let’s see what’s been going on in PCW.”

PCW NEWSLINE

HIGH OCTANE WRESTLING ‘WAR GAMES’ TOMORROW
Tomorrow, HOW will present War Games from Normandy, France. Here’s the card:

  • Spook v Silver Cyanide
  • Chris Kostoff v David Black v Bob Jared v Shocker v Scottywood©
  • LSD Title
  • Michael DeNucci v King Trip Eisen v Trent
  • Marvelous Mario Maurako v Crow
  • Bobbinette “Queen B” Carey v Perfect Paul Paras v Max Kael v Graystone v Christopher America v Shane Reynolds© v Aceldama© v Mark “The Explosive” O’Neal
  • World Title

HOW is part of High Octane Television- an organization PCW will be joining HOTv later this month.

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UPCOMING EVENTS @ http://www.politicalwrestling.wordpress.com :
6/10- PCW Extreme Political TV
6/12- PCW Newsline 6
6/14- PCW on P-SPAN- final Sunday night show until September
6/17- PCW End of the Season Extravaganza

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Tentative 2009-2010 PCW Schedule of Events Released:
7/29-PCW Night of Champions
9/27-PCW Lock and Load 4
11/9-PCW Night of Champions
12/27-PCW Christmas
1/27-PCW Night of Champions
3/7-PCW Weapons of Mass Political Destruction 3
4/21-PCW Night of Champions
6/6-PCW Loose Cannons Unleashed 6

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Suave: “Kathryn Randall Collins already in the ring. We are ready for the PCW Women’s Title match. Let’s go to the ring.

Charlene Ann: “This match will be for the PCW Women’s Title. Intoducing first, weighing in at 175 pounds from Chappaqua, New York. She is a member of Progressive Alliance accompanied by Hillary Clinton. She is also a two-time PCW Women’s Champion- Kathryn Randall Collins!”

KRC gets a very well deserved ovation.

Charlene Ann: “Next, weighing in at 204 pounds from Barrow, Alaska. She is a member of SarahPAC and accompanied by Sarah Palin tonight. She is the Eskimo Queen- Kalee Jones!”

Another robust ovation from the crowd.

Charlene Ann: “Weighing in at 125 pounds. She hails from Stuttgart, Germany and is a member of Domination Inc. Accompanied by Porsche Lexus and the rest of Domination Inc.- here is Mercedes!” Crowd: “BOOOOOOOOO!” Domination Inc. CEO ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann carries a nearly resigned expression on his face. The rest of the corporation exude little energy or confidence.

Charlene Ann: “And finally…” The crowd interrupts her with an ovation. Charlene Ann wipes a tear away. Charlene Ann: “…weighing in at 145 pounds from Bowling Green, Ohio. She is a member of American Heartland Coalition and accompanied by Tequila Sheila. She is the PCW Women’s Champion. She is the’ Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl, in her final match here in PCW- Tessa Martin!” A thunderous ovation follows.

Crowd: “PLEASE DON’T GO!…PLEASE DON’T GO! PLEASE DON’T GO!” Suave: “AN INCREDIBLE OVATION FOR THE PCW WOMEN’S CHAMPION!” Quick shot to the ring shows KRC and Kalee Jones also clapping. Suave: “THIS IS IT! TONIGHT IS TESSA’S FINAL MATCH IN PCW! HER LONG THREE YEAR JOURNEY ENDS TONIGHT! SHE’S DONE WITH GRADUATE SCHOOL AND MOVING ON WITH HER LIFE. BUT TONIGHT, IT’S ONE LAST DANCE AT HACK’S RUSTY NAIL SALOON. THEY’RE ABOUT READY FOR THE BELL.”

Woman’s Voice: “WAIT A MINUTE. WAIIIIIIT A MINUTE!” The crowd boos. Suave: “Oh, great. It’s the President of the PCW Competition Committee Nancy Pelosi. Pelosi climbs into the ring. Pelosi: “WAIT A MINUTE. WAIIIIIT A MINUTE! Before this match starts, I’m announcing a change in the referee for this match.” Davey Keels leaves. Paul Martin Adams enters. Suave: “WAIT! THAT’S PMA! HE’S GIPPED KALEE JONES OUT OF TWO WINS ALREADY.” Pelosi: “There. Much better.” Pelosi climbs out. PMA calls for the bell.

Bell rings. Suave: “Kalee Jones goes right after Kathryn Randall Collins. Gorilla Press Slam on the floor. Mercedes locks up with the PCW Women’s champion. Guillotine choke on Tessa Martin and the champ is driven to the canvas. Mercedes goes up top. Shooting star press! Cover.” One.Two.Tessa kicks out. Suave: “HEY! QUICK COUNT! THAT WAS A QUICK COUNT! COME ON REF!” Tequila Sheila throws a chair to Mercedes…Tessa kicks the chair into Mercedes’s face! Suave: “THERE WE GO.” Tessa pulls Mercedes up…drop toe hold onto the chair. Tessa hits a fist drop. Mercedes gets up. Tessa does a cartwheel and kicks Mercedes in the face. Mercedes staggers up. Tessa over. Suave: “PIZZA CUTTER! PIZZA CUTTER! COVER! ONE…TWO…THREE! OKAY. THAT WAS A NORMAL COUNT.”

MERCEDES ELIMINATED

Suave: “This is stunning. Not a peep from Domination Inc.” Domination Inc. again files to the back without incident. Kathryn Randall Collins headbutts Jones. Suave: “KRC tries to lariat Jones. No go on that move. KRC then tries for a German suplex. No go on that. Kalee clotheslines KRC. Now she gets thrown into the turnbuckle. The Eskimo Queen stalks her. Oooh. She rams KRC’s head into the turnbuckle. Now KRC tries pulling the hair. *SMACK* HOLY CRAP! KALEE JONES JUST BACK FISTED KRC ACROSS THE RING!” Tessa hits a hurricana on KRC. Suave: “COVER. ONE…………TWO…KRC KICKS OUT. THIS IS DISGRACEFUL! SLOW COUNT!” Tessa gives the referee an earful. KRC slides in behind her and hits a snap mare on Tessa. Kalee Jones blasts KRC from behind and takes her to the floor.

Suave: “NOW, IT’S BECOMING A SLUGFEST! BACK AND FORTH THEY GO EXCHANGING VICIOUS CHOPS!” The Clinton Political Pitbulls- James Carville and Paul Begala run in. Suave: “CARVILLE CLIPS KALEE JONES KNEE!” Begala does the same. KRC whips Kalee into the ring apron and climbs back into the ring. KRC covers.” 1-2-3. Suave: “Aw, no way!”

KALEE JONES IS ELIMINATED

Suave: “KALEE JONES IS PISSED AND SHE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO BE! THAT WAS TERRIBLE!” Referee P.M.A. tries to get her to leave the ring. Sarah Palin is shouting at the ref. Suave: “THAT SUCKS. BUT IT’S DOWN TO KRC VERSUS TESSA FOR THE WOMEN’S TITLE.” Kalee reluctantly exits the ring but does not leave the ring area.

Suave: “Single leg takedown by Tessa. KRC responds with elbows. She’s up. Fist drop to Tessa on the floor. KRC follows with a knee drop. The Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl gets back up. KRC with a jab. Poke to the eye with a thumb. KRC thrust kicks to the head. The champ is down. Cover. 1-2- NO! ANOTHER QUICK COUNT! BUT TESSA GETS THE SHOULDER UP!” Crowd: “BOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Suave: “THE CROWD DOESN’T LIKE IT. AND I SURE AS HELL DON’T LIKE IT. THIS IS CRAP!” KRC whips Tessa to the ropes. Suave: “POLITICS OF PERSONAL DESTRUCTION! KRC HAS IT LOCKED IN!” Both women fall near the ropes. Tessa puts her hand on the rope. Referee P.M.A. comes over and removes it. Tessa puts it back on the rope. Again, P.M.A. brushes it off. Suave: “WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING? BREAK THE FREAKIN’ HOLD!” It happens a third time. Kalee comes over and pulls P.M.A. out of the ring. Suave: “THAT WAS THE BREAKING POINT. KALEE JONES HAS P.M.A. UP!” She slams him face first through the ring table. Suave: “ESKIMO PIEFACE! ESKIMO PIEFACE!”

Nancy Pelosi comes out. She can’t believe it. ‘The Old War Horse’ John Murtha runs out and gets in Kalee’s face. Murtha pushes Kalee. The Eskimo Queen kicks Murtha in the balls. Suave: “YES! YES! SHE’S GOT MURTHA UP!” She slams him face first onto the floor. Suave: “ESKIMO PIEFACE! ESKIMO PIEFACE!”

KRC and Tessa circle. They lock up. Suave: “Tessa sent for the ride. Scoop slam by KRC. KRC up top. Hits the splash from the top turnbuckle! Sharpshooter! But Tessa reverses. Package Piledriver! HOLY CRAP! Yakuza Kick by Tessa. Whip into the ropes. KRC ducks the Pizza Cutter. FULL NELSON SLAM! POLITICS OF PERSONAL DESTRUCTION! SHE’S GOT IT THIS TIME I THINK…TESSA’S FIGHTING…FIGHTING…SHE TAPS! KATHRYN RANDALL COLLINS HAS BECOME A THREE TIME PCW WOMEN’S CHAMPION!”

Charlene Ann: “The winner of this match, and new PCW Women’s Title champion, Kathryn Randall Collins!” KRC and Tessa embrace in the ring to a standing ovation. Crowd: “THANK YOU TESSA (clap, clap clap-clap-clap) THANK YOU TESSA! clap, clap clap-clap-clap) Tessa mouths ‘I love you’ to the crowd and waves. Suave: “KRC is the NEW PCW Women’s champion and Tessa Martin…thanks for everything.” KRC takes the title and exits the ring leaving Tessa to take in the ovation.

E-FEDERATION NEWS FROM THE E-WRESTLING WORLD- highlights, news, and the best from other E-Wrestling Federations.

SWF Folds
Not a week after signing on with High Octane TV, the Superstar Wrestling Federation suddenly shut down all operations last weekend.

No explanation has been given so far but the Titan Zone has reported that a possible merger with the Future Wrestling League could be in the works.The bigger question is what does HOTv do now. If the SWF merges with the FWL, will that organization take SWF’s spot? We probably won’t find out until after High Octane Wrestling’s War Games pay per view show takes place on June 8th.

LEGACY OF CHAMPIONS RETURNS
LoC returned with a big prime time show May 31st. Violence 31 featured Shawn Hart defeating Kenshiro Inogami for the Legacy Championship.

SIMCOE COUNTY CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING RETURNS
The SCCW also returned with Aggression on Monday night headlined by a wild tag team main event between S&M and Hellcat Kirsta Lewis and Rayne Young. S&M scored the win when Scarlett hit Young with a reverse DDT and Patrick McCarthy followed with a Leap of Faith for the victory.

GWO’s FIRST SHOW
The first edition of Genocidal Wrestling Organization’s “GWO Punishment!” hit the airwaves May 31st with the crowning of the first GWO Global Champion ‘Totally Bored’ Hyan Borg who pins Tommy Glass to win the title.

POLITICAL CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING
On PCW On P-SPAN: Big Oil/Kirk Walstreit and Cadillac/Jaguar advanced on to the PCW Tag Team Title Match at PCW’s upcoming PPV Loose Cannons Unleashed 5.

PCW Extreme Political TV: ‘Texas Cowgirl’ Haley Dallas and the Queen of Political Extreme Ann Coulter defeats Code Pink and Janeane Garofalo in a knock down drag out preview of Garofalo’s upcoming showdown with Coulter.

FANS WRESTLING ORGANIZATION
In a hardcore classic on FWO reAction, High Flyer defeated Krow to become the new FWO World Champion.

DREAM WRESTLING FEDERATION
Miss USA retains the DWF Women’s title by defeating Caroline Kelly with the Patriot Missile dropkick.Team Danger’s Tyrone Walker survives a 17 man Mini Dream Rumble. Next week, he and fellow Team Danger member Stephen Greer will meet in a ‘rock, paper, scissors’ match to decide who gets to meet the winner of Dark/Eric Payne for the DWF Heavyweight title.

HOSTILITY WRESTLING FEDERATION
At Hostility’s South of Heaven PPV:-Don Tiago and Ronnie McNeil are named Hostility’s first Tag Team champions-’Beautiful’ Bobby Dean defeats Hostility Extreme Champion Roxy Monroe, AirStrife, Ronnie McNeil, and Alexander Anarchy to become the new Extreme Champion-Xander Daniels wins the Hostility Aversion title in an Inferno Match with previous champion Hooligan.-Steven Steele pins Hostility Champion Talon when Chris Bond on the champion and Steele hits his Foreplay finisher to win the title.

PRO WRESTLING FURY
Pro Wrestling Fury held its Dream + Infinite IV show this past weekend with a whopping 14 match card highlighted by Ryo Inoue’s successful F-MAX Unified Heavyweight defense against “Mr. 300″ Kazuma Fujita, Akira Takayoshi & Naoyuki Watanabe winning the F-MAX Tag Team title, and Hiroaki Nakata winning the WWA National Heavyweight champion.

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E-WRESTLER OF THE WEEK:

5. ‘Totally Bored’ Hyan Borg- Genocidal Wrestling Organization.
Borg’s gimmick is one of the best in E-Wrestling (in our opinion) and he defeats Tommy Glass to become the first GWO champion.

4. Hiroaki Nakata- Pro-Wrestling Fury
Defeated Tatsumichi Akamatsu to become the 20th WWA National Heavyweight Champion at Dream + Infinite IV.

3. “Beautiful” Bobby Dean – Hostility
Defeated Extreme Champion Roxy Monroe and three other wrestlers to claim the Hostility Extreme title at South of Heaven.

2. Xander Daniels- Hostility
Defeated Hostility Aversion champion Hooligan in an Inferno match to become the new Aversion champion.

1. Akira Takayoshi & Naoyuki Watanabe- Pro-Wrestling Fury
Won the F-Max Tag Team title at Dream + Infinite IV from TAKU & Mastodon Fukuda in a 4 1/2 star spectacular.

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Suave: “Back to the ring.”

Charlene Ann: “It’s time for our next match. On his way to the ring at this time, weighing in at 235 pounds, from Toledo, OH, a member of Dick Cheney’s Extreme Neo-Con Alliance, it’s Quadruple R- Randy ‘Road Rage’ Richardson!” Crowd: “BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Suave: “Randy’s still not very liked here…can’t imagine why.”

Charlene Ann: “His opponent weighs in tonight at 245 pounds. From Ottumwa, Iowa, a member of Progressive Alliance, and accompanied by Rahm Emanuel, it’s Starz N. Stripes!” The crowd cheers. Suave: “Okay. Starz vs. Quad R. The stipulation in this match is pretty simple: if Starz loses, he’s going to get waterboarded at Club Gitmo. If Starz wins, he gets 15 minutes with Dick Cheney at Club Gitmo. These two have met several times in the past couple years. Their latest match was three weeks ago on PCW Extreme Political TV. Starz looked very good and Quad R seemed rusty in that match. Quad R attacked Starz last week and that’s why we’re here tonight.”

MATCH #7
STARZ N. STRIPES w/Rahm Emanuel (Progressive Alliance) vs.
‘QUAD R’ RANDY ROAD RAGE RICHARDSON (Dick Cheney’s Extreme Neo-Con Alliance)

The bell sounds. Quad R comes out quickly and kicks Starz N. Stripes in the groin. Suave: “Quadruple R going low early on. But Starz legsweeps ‘Road Rage’ right back. Rake to the face by Starz. A SECOND LOW BLOW BY QUAD R! BELLY TO BACK SUPLEX BY QUAD R AND STARZ IS HURTING NOW!” Quad R throws Starz to the floor. He then flings Starz to the ring steps. Suave: “The edge of the ring steps cut Starz N. Stripes like a blade. Starz N. Stripes is bleeding big time. Quad R with a huge gutbuster and Starz is in trouble. Quad R hits Starz with the back of his elbow. Starz responds with a reverse atomic drop. Starz is going for the piledriver… YES! He piledrives Quad R right into the floor.

Both men move back into the ring. Suave: “Starz hits a swinging bulldog. Quad R rakes the eyes and hits a backward kick. Quad R follows with a running powerbomb on to the mat. Starz back to his feet. BIG OIL AND KIRK WALSTREIT INSIDE THE RING.” Big Oil grabs Starz from behind and hits a fall away slam. Suave: “Starz not ready for that one. Now he’s in serious trouble as Quad R takes him up to the top rope.” Table now set up outside the ring. POWERBOMB THROUGH THE TABLE!”

‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido, and Justin Sufferable run to the ring. Escondido finds Quad R in the corner of the ring. Escondido tries to lift Quad R for a Powerslam but is unable to lift. Big Oil punches Starz N. Stripes repeatedly. Big Oil hooks Starz N. Stripes’s arms….Double Underhook Powerbomb on an open chair! Suave: “It’s gotten a bit loose in there. Justin Sufferable clotheslines Quad R. Sufferable with a chair *CLANG* Chairshot to Quad R. Kirk Walstreit sends Starz to the corner of the ring. Walstreit opens up another chair and then whips Starz into the ropes…Drop Toe Hold onto the open chair! RAHM EMANUEL’S IN THE RING. Clotheslines to Quad R. Now raking the face of Quad R.”

Starz N. Stripes grabs him. He spins him upside down. Suave: “He’s going for the piledriver…..YES! Cover! One. Two. Three!”

Charlene Ann: “The winner of this match, Starz N. Stripes!” Suave: “And you know what that means…15 minutes alone with Dick Cheney at Club Gitmo!” Escondido and PCW Champion O’Beck Bahama drag Dick Cheney to Club Gitmo. Dick tries to get away but Escondido and Bahama have things well under control. They take Dick inside followed by Starz N. Stripes. The doors close.

——————

PCW Investigative Reporter Woodward Bernstein walks to the ring carrying a large box. Bernstein: “Okay. I have some breaking news to report. I have in my possession a copy of some x-rays taken earlier today of Domination Inc’s Seven Foot Tall Weapon of Mass Destruction Big Monster Wahlie. It appears BMW has a severe neurological problem that he has received treatment for the past two years. Any bump or several movement or trauma can cause him to black out instantly.” Suave: “HOLY CRAP! THAT PRETTY MUCH MEANS BMW’S CAREER IS OVER ALREADY!”

This brings out Domination Inc. CEO ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann and a fuming CFO Gordon Guyko. Guyko: “WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING? YOU SPENT WELL OVER A MILLION DOLLARS ON A WRESTLER WHO CAN’T WRESTLE? THAT’S IT! WE’RE THROUGH! I’M PULLING MY INVESTORS AND YOU’RE DONE.” Suave: “HOLY CRAP! Guyko’s pulling out. Guyko’s pulling out! WE ARE WATCHING THE DISINTEGRATION OF DOMINATION INC.!”

McMann: “Bring him out now!” Guyko: “He can’t wrestle!” McMann: “Sure he can. I said bring him out.”

*Def’ Leppard’s Rock, Rock Til You Drop blares*

Suave: “HOLD IT A SEC! IS HE BACK?” The Corporate Enforcer Whiskey Tango Foxtrot appears. WTF has a microphone. WTF: “Mr. McMann, he’s not wrestling!: The crowd stands and cheers. McMann: “I said for you to go get BMW.” WTF: “Ain’t happening.” McMann: “I’m not asking you…I’m telling you.” WTF: “What I’m saying is there’s no way in hell he’s wrestling tonight or ever again.” McMann is taken aback. McMann: “How do YOU know?” WTF: “Because, Mr. McMann. I’M THE MOLE!” The crowd explodes. Crowd: “What the f***! What the f***!” Suave: “IT WAS HIM! THE MOLE WAS WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT ALL ALONG AND McMANN CAN’T BELIEVE IT!” McMann stands, mouth agape, completely still. McMann stares off into space. Suave: “HE’S IN A STATE OF COMPLETTE SHOCK! THIS MIGHT NOT BE THE END OF THIS YET. WE’LL SEE YOU WEDNESDAY NIGHT WITH MORE FROM PCW LOOSE CANNONS UNLEASHED. SEE YOU THEN.

PCW Rewind: Loose Cannons Unleashed 1- March 2005

PCW Loose Cannons Unleashed 8 is less than two weeks away.  Today, we start down the final road to the show on June 5th by reviewing past Loose Cannons Unleashed shows.  This is from 2005.

PCW REVIEW: LOOSE CANNONS UNLEASHED 1- MARCH 2005

-The American Screamer Howard Dean tries to impress the Clintons
-Match #1: Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, and Ann Coulter (American Patriots) vs. Al Franken, Michael Moore, and Janean Garofalo (Progressive Alliance’s Hollywood Left wing)
-Green World Order Promo
-FCC’s Michael Powell Segment
-Match #2: “No Frills” Chris Escondido (Independent) vs. Little Paulie of the American Bikers w/Big Paulie (Independent)
-Match #3: Annoying Cell Phone Guy (Jobber) vs. Snott Flemmstein (Jobber)
-Match #4: Charlene Ann Cantrell vs. Rex Randall, Private Investigator
-Match #5: The Dixie Chucks (Progressive Alliance) vs. “The Raving Rednecks” Locke and Loade (American Patriots)
-Martha Stewart promo
-Special Appearance by Spongebob Squarepants
-Match #6: BCEW Women’s Champion Candiloosa Ricearoni (American Patriots) vs. Barbara Boxer (Progressive Alliance)
-George W’s “State of BCEW” address.
-Match #7: Green World Order vs. The Bomb Brothers with Daisy Cutter Bomb (American Patriots)
-Match #8
: “The Absolute Whole Freakin’ Show” Ron-Claude Van Dammit with Dawn McGill vs. The Massachusetts Blueblood JFK

Hey y’all. Gina Ramsey here. With Loose Cannons Unleashed 5 just two days away, PCW will replay all four previous Loose Cannons Unleashed tonight and tomorrow. Loose Cannons Unleashed 1 was the first ever PCW…or as it was called back in March of 2005, BCEW event.

Enjoy.

******

“The American Screamer” Howard Dean sticks his head inside the office of Bill and Hillary Clinton. Dean tries to curry favor with the Clintons as he vies for the leadership of the Progressive Alliance. “If I’m in charge,” Dean brags, “I’ll cut through the American Patriots like hot knife through butter! I’ll take on George W. and all of his right-wing cronies.” Dean then ticks off a number of names including “The Texas Hammer” Tom DeLay, Candiloosa Ricearoni, the Bomb Brothers, “Mr. Old School” Don Rumsfeld, “The Mastermind” Karl Rove, and The God Squad of whom he’ll take on. Dean, getting more and more excited as he talks, tells the Clintons, “We’ll fight them in Westville! In Eagle Rock! Fulton! Shady Lake! Southriver! Danville! ALL THE WAY TO ULTIMATE VICTORY!” Dean adds his trademark yell, “YEEEEEE-AAAHHHH!………….what?………right, sir…I’ll tone it down a bit.” Dean backs out of the office. “Make a difference, huh?” he says with a determined scowl on his face, “Oh yeah. I can make a BIG difference. YEEEEEE-AAAHHHHHH!” “HOWARD!” yells an annoyed Bill Clinton from his office. “Right…forgot…sorry…,” Dean apologizes profusely.

The capacity crowd inside Hack’s chants ‘BCEW…BCEW!’ as Johnny Suave stands in the middle of the ring next to his co-host- a life size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. He introduces the ring announcer Charlene Ann Cantrell and she introduces the first match of the night.

Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, and Ann Coulter of the American Patriots vs. Al Franken, Michael Moore, and Janean Garofalo of the Progressive Alliance’s Hollywood Left wing.
“This is a six man tag team grudge match!” she says, “In this corner, representing the American Pa-” Garofalo interrupts her and reminds her that there are two women competing in the match. “I’m not a man,” she states and then points over to Ann Coulter, “and I’m sure the right-wing fascist toothpick over there isn’t a man …and she isn’t much of a woman either.” The match is about to begin when Ann Coulter, the woman who hates the Progressive Alliance so much that she could write book after book after book about how much she hates the Progressive Alliance……and she does, takes the mic from Charlene Ann Cantrell. “What’s the best way to talk to a liberal,” she asks. After a few seconds of awkward silence roll by she answers her own question. “As little as possible.” Coulter laughs heartily at her joke until Garofalo attacks her and starts a catfight. Both women roll around the ring before they tumble out on onto the floor and then scuffle all the way back to the locker room.

Then “The Spinbuster” Bill O’Reilly from the “no spinning zone” takes the mic and rips into the Progressive Alliance for “spouting the same old negative spin.” He begins to analyze the issue in a “fair and balanced” way when he is interrupted by Al Franken- host of “Al Franken presents the “Al Franken Factor Max Factor Factor starring Al Franken.” Franken tells O’Reilly that his “crack” staff consisting of left-wing college professors researched a comment O’Reilly made earlier in the night that he would be out in ‘just a minute’ and determined that because it took more than a minute for O’Reilly to appear that it was indisputable proof that O’Reilly and the American Patriots were nothing more than pathological lying, lying liars. Then the “Innovator of Excellence in Wrestling” Rush Limbaugh, El Rushbo, the Great One, all knowing, all seeing, the MahaRushbie, with talent on loan from Rob, gets into the action. “I’ve been meaning to ask you,” Franken says, “just who the hell is Rob?” “That’s not important,” Limbaugh replies. After trumpeting his research and superior show preparation, Limbaugh claims that Franken has made inaccurate statements about him. “You said, and I quote here, that I was nothing more than a ‘big, fat, obese idiot,” Limbaugh says pointing to his svelte, lean figure, “Well Mr. Franken, for your information everyone can plainly see that I am neither big, fat, or obese. Once again, you are wrong and I am right.” Then Michael Moore gets into the act. He claims that he has indisputable proof that Limbaugh is big, fat, and obese. He then rolls a film clip he calls “Refrigerate 9:11” which consists of a poorly spliced together piece that is awkwardly edited to portray Limbaugh as a hundred times larger than he really is.

Over the loudspeaker, the opening riffs to AC/DC’s “Highway to Hell” blares. Johnny Suave, joined by “The Texas Hammer” Tom DeLay of the American Patriots and Justin Sufferable from the Progressive Alliance, shouts out, “Is that who I think it is?” The crowd cheers as a man with a steel-folding chair runs to the ring. “IT’S DeWAYNE CANTRELL!” Suave yells. DeLay and Sufferable are less than thrilled. “What’s HE doing here,” grouses Sufferable. “Shouldn’t he be out hawking books?” sneers the Texas Hammer, “Isn’t he the so-called star of Loose Cannons of Buckland County? Cantrell climbs inside the ring and walks right up to Bill O’Reilly. *CLANG* Cantrell takes out O’Reilly with the steel-folding chair. *CLANG* Down goes Rush Limbaugh. Justin Sufferable loves every moment of it while DeLay throws a fit. “What the hell is he doing?” he complains. “Why is he only picking on the American Patriots?” Then Cantrell bumps into Al Franken. Franken smiles at Cantrell. Cantrell smiles right back. Awkward pause. Then… *CLANG* “HEY! WHAT’D HE DO THAT FOR?” a surprised Sufferable shouts. Franken staggers across the ring and barrels into Michael Moore. “THAT’S MORE LIKE IT!” crows DeLay. Moore and his large frame then get stuck in the ropes and he can’t get out. Cantrell slowly walks over to him. “Oh no…no…don’t do it.” Sufferable pleads while DeLay encourages Cantrell on. Cantrell winds up. *CLANG* Moore’s torso tips down causing his legs to come up and crotch Al Franken. Franken staggers back across the ring and conks head with Bill O’Reilly. The crowd shouts, “DTC…DTC…” as Moore’s body returns to its original position on the ropes and then they tell Cantrell to do it again. “That’s enough,” Justin Sufferable says, “He can’t move!” Cantrell winds up again and *CLANG*. Moore slides forward through the ropes and lands outside on the concrete floor. “DAMN YOU CANTRELL!” Justin Sufferable shouts. “UNBELIVABLE!” Suave observes from his ringside broadcast position, “DeWayne Cantrell comes in and totally cleans house!” “Oh shut up,” retorts Sufferable.

Green World Order Promo
With a cheap banner for Green World Order hanging behind her, Peta from PETA along with her companion, Doug the Dog, rips into dog owners who chain their pets to a “so-called dog house or worse- chain them to a pole in the back yard.” She makes it clear that PETA will not stand for this “cruel and inhumane” treatment and that dogs aren’t “some piece of disposable clothing” or “toys you throw away when you get tired of them.” “Dogs are people too,” argues Peta, “how would YOU like it if someone chained you up to a small dingy house with only a bowl of water to drink. How would you like it if someone chained you to a pole…well, unless you’re into that kind of thing.” Peta states that a dog’s life is just as important as her life and your life. Doug the dog barks in agreement.

Then she complains about the food that “you savages” feed dogs with, referring to it as “meat-based slop.” Peta recommends several wholesome and vegan alternatives instead. She guarantees that “once the GWO takes over” that all of these “abuses” will stop. “Dogs, cats, and all living things will live harmoniously together. Right Doug?” Again, Doug the dog barks in agreement. Then he takes off.

Peta then comments that her dog is her friend and doesn’t need a leash. “He is free to go wherever he wants to because he is a living, breathing, intelligent creature just like you and-” Suddenly, the sound of screeching tires is heard following by a *THUMP*, then a dog yelping, another *THUMP*, *THUMP*, a dog whimpering, then *THUMP, *THUMP*, *THUMP.* Peta stands there in shock before another *THUMP* is heard. Then she lets out a hideously shrill scream and runs off shouting “MURDERER! STOP THAT CAR!”

Michael Powell segment
With a long, long line of people patiently waiting, Buckland County Sheriff Gina “Gigi” Ramsey is shown signing copies of the book “Loose Cannons of Buckland County” as well as her pictorials, calendars, trading cards, and other assorted items from her souvenir stand. Then Johnny Suave introduces Michael Powell of the FCC. Powell immediately clarifies that he did not get the job at the FCC because of his famous father. “Yeah right,” retorts Suave who enjoys a beverage with the life-size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain next to him. Powell explains that George W. brought him to BCEW to clean up several problems. First Powell notes that there are some people in BCEW who use inappropriate and profane language. Powell pauses as the audience boos. Then Powell states that there were those who display lewd, crude, and deviant behavior. The crowd again expresses its displeasure. Powell goes on to note that there are wrestlers and managers who wear skimpy outfits to the ring. Powell declares, “I have come here to BCEW to lay down the law! It’s time to clean up the moral cesspool that BCEW has become!” The audience stands up in unison and boos. First, Powell states that anyone using inappropriate language on this show will be fined. More boos. Powell then says that anyone who acts inappropriately lewd, crude, or vulgar will also be fined. The audience begins to throw things into the ring. Powell continues: “And if you come out here wearing something too skimpy, too revealing, or otherwise inappropriate-” Someone from the audience yells out “%#@# you!” A furious Powell whips out a little pad and pencil and searches for the offender. The crowd continues to hurl expletives at the embattled Powell who threatens to fine “each and every person in the building.” “I’LL FINE YOU…AND YOU……AND ESPECIALLY YOU!” he shouts over the crowd who by then are chanting “@##$ you Mike-kell, @##@ you! “YOU CAN’T SAY THAT!” Powell bellows and furiously writes down names in his little notepad.

Over the loudspeaker, Christian, religious-type action music plays as the Pious Pair, Reverend James Dobson and his flunky Jerry Falwell aka The God Squad, hit the ring. Immediately Rev. Dobson tells the audience to shut up so he and Falwell can speak. The crowd won’t let him as the “@##$ you” boom throughout the building. Finally, Rev Dobson shouts, “FOR THE LAST TIME YOU GODLESS HEATHENS, SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN!” The boos and chants continue to cascade across the bar. Dobson gives up and yells into the mic, “WE JUST CAME OUT HERE TO SAY THAT THE GOD SQUAD SUPPORTS MICHAEL POWELL AND HIS NOBLE CRUSADE TO RID BCEW OF ALL DECADENCE ONE HUNDRED PERCENT!” Dobson also adds that the “hammer of God” is going to come down on all those who do not clean up their act. As they exit the ring, Dobson points at Johnny Suave and demands that he take down that “cheap piece of cardboard”- referring to the cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. Suave jumps in front of the cut-out and thankfully the next match gets underway.

“No Frills” Chris Escondido vs. Little Paulie of the American Bikers with his father Big Paulie in his corner.
Both men battle back and forth with no one gaining any appreciable advantage. Late in the match, Little Paulie appears to be ready to put Escondido away when inexplicably he gets into an argument with his father Big Paulie. Big Paulie gripes that Little Paulie is taking too much time to put his opponent away. “It’s the same old *bleep*,” Big Paulie grumbles, “If I want something *bleep*-ing done right I’ve got to do it myself!” Big Paulie gets into the ring and argues with Little Paulie in the corner. While the American Bikers are distracted, “The American Screamer” Howard Dean sneaks into the ring and blasts Little Paulie over the head with a crowbar. Little Paulie gets knocked into Big Paulie, Escondido immediately covers Little Paulie for the win.

Backstage, Tim Roemer watches with interest with his manager Nancy “the Attack Poodle” Pelosi. Pelosi advises Roemer that he’d better act fast if he wanted to be the new leader of the Progressive Alliance. Roemer notes that Dean thinks that he can impress the Clintons by being an impact kind of guy. “You know,” Roemer says, “I also can be an impact kind of guy!” “Meaning?” asks Pelosi. Roemer scratches his head. “Meaning…that…I can be an…impact kind of guy too?. What? Did I not say that right or something?”

Johnny Suave introduces a visitor to the broadcast set- Joe “Mr. Smut” Gardner. Gardner goes through his shtick, calling himself the “Quasi-quintessential Smut-muffin” and immediately becomes infatuated with the cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. “Well, well, well,” he says before Suave interrupts him. Gardner responds, “Hey, I’m in character here.” After Suave apologizes, Gardner then reads a special Valentine’s Day poem he wrote: “Roses are red. Violets are blue. Both of which always remind me of you.” “Not too bad,” Suave admits. “Your eyes and your smile. They brighten my day. Like a warm summer breeze that takes me away.” “Hey, that was pretty good too.” Suave says. “Like when the sheets in our bed were moist and wetting. After thirty minutes of heavy-” “All right, that’s enough!” Suave immediately stops him. “Aw come on!” Gardner protests but Suave tells him, “Yeah right. I knew it was too good to be true.”

Annoying Cell Phone Guy vs. Snott Flemmstein
The match is delayed several minutes as Annoying Cell Phone Guy is- talking on his cell phone. Finally, Flemmstein tires of waiting and unleashes a volley of phlegm balls hocked up from his unusually phlegm-filled throat knocking the cell phone out Phone Guy’s hand. Then, Flemmstein covers his opponent in a stream of nasal excretion from his unusually large nostrils and coats Annoying Cell Phone Guy in a cocoon of snot. Phone Guy submits in less than a minute. “That has to be one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever seen, “comments Suave and then adds, “and I’ve seen a lot of disgusting things.” Gardner clears his throat. A huge ball of phlegm drips off Gardner’s chin onto his shirt. “He didn’t get Shania did he?” Suave asks. “No,” Gardner replies as he wipes the phlegm off his shirt.

Backstage, Nancy Pelosi is totally beside herself as Tim Roemer returns. “What are you waiting for?” she implores Roemer. Roemer tells her it wasn’t the right time. “Wasn’t the right time?” Pelosi says, “What do you mean it wasn’t the right time? Tim, we don’t have that much time to-” Pelosi stops and stares as Annoying Cell Phone Guy slowly walks by. He is totally encased in snot, sloshes with every step he takes, and leaves a green and brown trail behind. Phone Guy shakes his cell phone trying to get it to work. “Can you hear me?” he says and then shakes the phone causing more green globs to fly out from inside of it. “Can you hear me now?” Pelosi quickly changes her mind and concurs with Roemer’s decision.

Cooter Farnsworth vs. Rick Spackel
The next match features two men who are huge NASCAR fans. Rick is a big Jeff Gordon fan and comes into the ring waving a huge Jeff Gordon flag. Cooter and many NASCAR firebrands hate Jeff Gordon- with a passion. Therein lies the conflict. The match begins and Cooter immediately rips the flag out of Spackel’s hands. Then he proceeds to repeatedly whap Spackel over the head with the flagpole. Then Cooter wraps the flag around Spackel’s neck and starts to choke him with it. “He is literally choking the life out of Rick Spackel!” Suave observes, “Jeez, I knew these NASCAR types take this seriously but…wow.” Cooter then rolls Spackel over and lifts up the Jeff Gordon flag. “Holy crap!” Suave exclaims, “I think we’re about to have a Deliverance moment! I think he’s going to stick that Jeff Gordon flagpole up Spackel’s-” Suddenly, Tim Roemer races down the aisle and leaps into the ring. He powerbombs Cooter. Then he jumps up onto the ring post and does a 450 flip splashing right on top of Farnsworth. Spackel gets up off the mat, turns Cooter over and tries to stick the Jeff Gordon flagpole up his behind. Roemer stops him and directs him to cover Cooter for the pin. Spackel covers. 1-2-3- match over. “There you have it,” Suave says, “a great come from *behind* victory…yeah, I know…that was bad…a good win for Jeff Gordon fan Rick Spackel.”

Inside “the American Screamer” Howard Dean’s dressing room, Dean watches with a barmaid as Roemer’s interference helps Spackel win the match. “Hmmm, I guess this means Tim Roemer means business! I guess it’s time to make it clear that I mean business too! YEEEEEE-AAAAHHHH!” “OW! My ear!” the barmaid responds. “Sorry…my bad,” Dean profusely apologizes.

Back in the ring, Charlene Ann Cantrell gets ready to introduce Charles Robinson-Richards, Blue State Esq. However, before she can do so, a commotion erupts ringside. A man dressed in a fedora and a trench coat next to some doofus wearing a “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt yells something at Charlene Ann. “REX RANDALL-PRIVATE EYE?” Suave calls out, “what is he doing here?” Suddenly, Charlene Ann reaches over the rope and literally drags Randall by his tie over the top rope into the ring leading to an impromptu match…

Charlene Ann Cantrell vs. Rex Randall, Private Investigator
In the rematch of their memorable scene from the book Loose Cannons of Buckland County, Randall once again clumsily propositions Charlene Ann with a lame pick up line about her being a chocolate sundae and him licking the chocolate syrup off of her. She plants a heeled shoe in his balls and then drills him with a stiff right hand sending Randall reeling to the canvas with no idea what just hit him. Cantrell covers. 1-2-3. Afterwards, Randall tries to shake the cobwebs out while his friend E. Ed Edwards stands over him and says “I told you Mr. Randall, but noooooo, you didn’t have to listen to me didn’t you? Noooo, you had to use that stupid pick up line again about chocolate syrup. That line hasn’t worked the other one hundred thirty-two times-…OOOOF!” Randall crotches Ed with a kick to the nether regions and Ed falls to the canvas.

After the hoopla dies down and both Randall and his sidekick Ed are scraped out of the ring, Charles Robinson-Richards, Blue State Esq. has the microphone. While sipping a cappuccino, he starts off by stating that he detests being in a “red state” where the people are “inbred, ignorant, redneck hicks” and clearly inferior to us enlightened people who live in the blue states. He then goes on to say that it’s a shame that it takes “you people” multiple jobs, working 45-55 hours a week, just to make as much in a year as he makes in one week. The crowd reacts by booing him and flipping him off. Robinson-Richards then says, “Even with that, you still can’t stop buying your cheap beer, your cigarettes, your meth, because you people file bankruptcy more than we do in the blue states.” He goes on to compare the high cultural lifestyle that the blue states have (Shopping at Sachs Fifth Avenue, operas, fine dining, champagne and caviar) vs. the red states (Wal-Mart, Blue Collar Comedy Tour, Hooters, PBR). The crowd really gets riled up when he says that the best thing the federal government could do is to declare what he considers to be flyover country (ie…everything between the west and east coast) a complete disaster area and turn it into a giant national park. Robinson-Richards further inflames the crowd by referring to two Americas: ‘Enlightenedland’- those who voted for John Kerry, ‘Jesusland’- those who voted for George W. Bush. At that point, DeWayne Cantrell appears again out of nowhere and gets a standing ovation after he blasts Robinson-Richards over the head with a steel folding chair. “I guess no one saw that one coming a mile away,” observes Suave.

Next, Suave interviews the Dixie Chucks. The Dixie Chucks are three men who each dress like a member of the Dixie Chicks. There’s Chuck-atalie, Chuck-mily, and Chuck-artie. Suave tells them that it’s been a “long time gone” since they’d last saw the Dixie Chucks and that he had a feeling that they came from “wide open spaces” to be there not because they’re “ready to run,” not because they wanted a “cowboy take me away” kind of thing. “You’re out here because there’s something bothering you,” concludes Suave, “am I right?” Chuck-atalie, not impressed with Suave’s wit, tells him to save it and claims that it is “an injustice what has been done to the Dixie Chicks.” “Oh, ‘there’s your trouble’” cracks Suave. Chuck-mily chimes in, “Free speech means free speech. What has happened to these lovely women is totally against the American way!” He also adds that people may not like what they have to say, “but you don’t have to.” Suave commends them on their noble sentiments. “I presume you’re referring to the recent comments made by Earl Locke of the tag team Locke and Loade about the Dixie Chicks and you would all like to say…oh, I don’t know…perhaps, ‘Goodbye Earl?’” This offends Chuck-artie who tell Suave he doesn’t appreciate his “smart-ass comments” and if he doesn’t stop he’ll take away the cardboard cut-out of “that no-talent singer who doesn’t belong on the same stage, who isn’t remotely in the same league as the Dixie Chicks.” Suave backs away and protects his cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. Chuck-artie points at the audience, “I’m putting you and everyone here in BCEW on notice. Anyone, I repeat, anyone who says anything bad about the Dixie Chicks from now on will answer to us.” Chuck-atalie adds: “That’s right. You say something bad about the Dixie Chicks. The Dixie Chucks are gonna KICK YOUR ASS!”

Suddenly, the opening riffs to Toby Keith’s “How Do You Like Me Now?” blare over the sound system and out comes Earl Locke and Gary Loade aka ‘The Raving Rednecks’ Locke and Loade. Locke comes out carrying a huge picture of Toby Keith and waves it in Chuck-atalie’s face. “WHO’S YOUR DADDY?” he screams, “HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?” “The BIG DOGS are here!” Loade says, “It’s time to Locke and Loade baby, Locke and Loade!” Suave then asks them to respond to the Dixie Chucks. Loade first compliments Suave on the cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. Then he tells the Dixie Chucks: “You come out talking all this tough talk about kicking people’s asses if they insult the Dixie Chicks. Hell the way y’all are dressed, I don’t think you’re in any position to kick anyone’s ass! If anything, we’ll put a boot in your ass cause that’s the Locke and Loade way!” The Dixie Chucks talk trash in return. Locke then speaks up. “Now hold on a sec Gary. I really don’t have that much of a problem with the way these guys are dressed.” “Oh?” a surprised Loade says. “Hell, the way I see it,” Locke continues, “in those outfits these guys look a hell of a lot better than the Dixie Chicks-” Immediately, the Dixie Chuck’s attack Locke and Loade and another impromptu match begins.

The Dixie Chucks vs. “The Raving Rednecks” Locke and Loade.
This is an all out free-for-all. No structure to the match. Basically five people beating the living hell out of each other. Chuck-atalie gets unceremoniously dumped out of the ring and then Chuck-mily is knocked woozy by some double team work by Locke and Loade. Chuck-artie is set up for Locke and Loade’s patented finisher- “The Redneck 4-D Death Blast.” Locke and Loade executes the maneuver to perfection and Chuck-artie is out. Loade covers and then… YEEEEE-AAHHHHH! “The American Screamer” Howard Dean runs in and distracts the referee. While Loade argues with Dean and the referee, Chuck-mily ties up with Locke and keeps him busy. Chuck-atalie sneaks back in the ring with the Toby Keith picture and blasts an unsuspecting Loade with it. Loade is out. Chuck-atalie covers and gets the pin.

Backstage, Nancy Pelosi stews as she watches Dean interfere in the match. “OOOH, that Howard Dean!” she whines, “Tim, are you going to let him one up you like that?” Roemer tells Pelosi that the leadership of the Progressive Alliance is important and prestigious and that Dean was obviously serious about showing the Clantons that “he can be the man.” Roemer adds, “I need to be able to show everyone that I can be ‘the man’ as well.” Again, Pelosi responds, “Meaning?” “Meaning…that…I can be…the man too?” replies Roemer, “Look. Am I not making myself clear here?”

Martha Stewart Returns
Domestic Diva Martha Stewart gets released from the Buckland County Jail. She comes out of the jail looking in excellent shape and wearing a ridiculous looking shawl. She proceeds to complain about being cooped up for five long months. Stewart states that “they tried to break me” and tried to keep busy by doing a couple of side projects to keep her mind active in a “neat and tidy” fashion.

After recognizing that there was only so much she could do with bedsheets and toilet papers (the doilies kept falling apart), a bored Stewart states she found a new outlet to keep busy. She rolls up her sleeves and shows off her impressively muscular arm. “Look at these guns,” Martha proclaims, “I’m ripped baby. I already had the brains but now I’ve got the brawn to back it up!” She then issues an open challenge to the BCEW women’s champion- Candiloosa Ricearoni. “You’ve got what I want,” Stewart declares, “that belt belongs to me and I will do anything, I repeat, ANYTHING to get it back.” Stewart then whips around and slides down the back of her shirt to reveal a Max Cady-like tattoo of a cRush on her back with the inscription “Hell hath no fury as a pissed off domestic diva” written around it. “And if you thought I was a cold calculating bitch before,” Martha hisses, “guess what? I’m about to take it to a whole…new…level.”

At that point a Buckland County Deputy slaps an electronic monitoring device on Stewart’s ankle. “The only whole new level you’ll be seeing in the next five months is the upstairs of your house. You’re under house arrest toots. That’s the condition of your parole.”

Enraged, Stewart lets off a few colorfully tinged adjectives and expletives as the Deputy drags her off to her waiting car to take the Domestic Diva home.

Special Appearance by Spongebob Squarepants
Back at the ring, Johnny Suave introduces lovable children’s cartoon character Spongebob Squarepants (or more accurately- some schlep dressed up in a Spongebob Squarepants costume). As everyone sings the Spongebob theme song, admit it-you all know it-(sing to the tune of the Spongebob theme song): Whoooo, lives in the ocean so far down below/SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS/His neighbor’s a squid and he simply blows/SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS/His boss is a weenie and Sandy kicks ass/SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS/His best friend’s a shellfish who likes to pass gas/SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS..- the God Squad’s Reverend James Dobson comes in and blasts Spongebob from behind. “WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING?” a shocked Suave says. The Rev. Dobson takes a brief moment from pummeling the helpless cartoon character and warns him to knock it off. “JESUS CHRIST!” Suave exclaims, “WHY IS HE BEATING UP ON A FREAKIN’ CHILDREN’S CARTOON CHARACTER!” Dobson looks Suave in the eye and tells him to out of the ring now. Suave yells back, “***DAMMIT! THIS ISN’T RIGHT!” “SUAVE!” “Leaving now.” Suave quickly exits stage right.

Rev. Dobson then gets on the microphone and asks, “Does anyone here know Spongebob?” After the crowd begins to boo he continues, “you may think this…this so-called character is harmless. But he’s not. Spongebob is another insidious plot hatched by people who want to promote alternative lifestyles by manipulating and brainwashing our children!” “I think the Reverend needs to get his medication checked,” shoots back Suave back at his broadcast position. Spongebob stirs briefly before a quick boot to the head by Dobson puts him back down. “THAT’S UNCALLED FOR!” screams Suave. Dobson begins to taunt Spongebob. “Come on! Get up!” He slaps him in the face. “Come on! Where’s your little friend? You know, the one you hold hands with?” Suave looks sick. “Someone please stop this.” The crowd stirs and a sound effect of someone farting comes over the loudspeakers. Suddenly, Patrick the Flatulating Shellfish (or more accurately-someone dressed up in a costume) appears. “That’s right!” Dobson sneers, “get in the ring! Come save your friend!” The Shellfish hesitates before climbing up the ropes. Then he takes the head of his costume off. “IT’S TIM ROEMER!” Suave exclaims. Dobson’s jaw drops as Roemer tosses the head aside and gets into the ring. A stunned Dobson takes a few retreating steps before tripping over the prone Spongebob and falls backwards onto the canvas. Roemer then backs up to Dobson and puts his rear to his face. “OH NO!” Suave says, “HE’S NOT GOING TO-” The farting sound effect plays again. “HOLY CRAP!”

Backstage, “The American Screamer” Howard Dean is seething again after being upstaged again by Tim Roemer. He shakes his finger at the monitor and says, “THIS ISN’T OVER YET!” Then he lets out his trademark scream “YEEEEEEE-AAAAAAHHHH!” and skulks off.

We return to ringside where Johnny Suave appears to be in deep conversation with the Shania Twain cardboard cut-out. Suave turns beet red when he realizes he’s on camera. Suave quickly brings out the BCEW women’s champion Candiloosa Ricearoni to discuss comments about her made by the Progressive Alliance’s Barbara Boxer including accusing the women’s champion of lying, distorting the facts, and most egregiously, being a lousy dresser.

Ricearoni comes out dressed all in black with a black skirt that hits just above the knee and a black coat with seven gold buttons in the front that resembled something that Keanu Reeves would wear in the movie “The Matrix. Looking very serious, she addresses Boxer, “Barbara Boxer, you can challenge my credibility,” she says walking to one end of the ring. “You can even attack my honesty,” she says pacing to the other side of the ring. “I’ll even let you question my intregrity.” She stops in the middle of the ring and points at the crowd. “But when you attacked my keen sense of fashion- you went too far. You cRushed the line and now you’re going to pay!” The crowd cheers as she calls out Boxer, “So get your *** down here because Candiloosa 3:16, 17, and 18 says that I’m going to stick these four inch heels so far up your ****** *** that you won’t be able to **** ****** for two weeks!” “WOW,” a very surprised Suave says, “she’s stone…cold…serious.” Boxer immediately flies into the ring and launches herself at Ricearoni and its on.

BCEW Women’s Champion Candiloosa Ricearoni vs. Barbara Boxer
Both women roll around the ring trying to gain an advantage. Then “The Texas Hammer” Tom DeLay and his flunky Dennis “The Doughboy” Hastert show up. They get into the ring and surround Boxer as another man shows up ringside- pointing his finger at his temple to signify his superior intellect. “The Mastermind Karl Rove?” Suave says, “It’s a trap. This was all a set up!” Boxer has nowhere to go when help arrives. Both Howard Dean and Tim Roemer run out to help their Progressive Alliance colleague and literally meet each other in the middle of the ring. At that point, DeLay, Hastert, and Ricearoni bail out of the ring leaving the two men who both desperately want to lead the Progressive Alliance nose to nose. The Mastermind Karl Rove smiles as he walks backwards towards the dressing room- still pointing to his temple to show everyone what a freakin’ genius he is.

Dean pushes Roemer. Roemer pushes Dean. It looks like they are about to have at it when the entire roster of the Progressive Alliance led by Bill Clinton swarm the ring and break the two men up.

In George W.’s office, both W. and his aide de camp Dick are amused at the whole thing. Dick hands W. his speech for the State of BCEW address he is about to give. “Thanks,” an appreciative W. says to Dick, “I sure don’t know what I’d do without you.” “That’s okay,” Dick returns, “I know in a Star Wars sense that I’m your Lobot and you’re my Lando Calrissian.” W. looks totally confused. “Lando who?” “Ah, nevermind.” Dick says, ‘just go out and give your speech.”

George W’s “State of BCEW” address.
A ragtag, out of tune mariachi band plays a hideously off-key version of “Hail to the Chief” as George W. slowly walks down the aisle. W. cringes every time the band hits a particularly sour note. The entire roster gathers around the ring. The Progressive Alliance hang out on the left side of the ring (of course) and look on in stony silence. The American Patriots stand to the right and they are ecstatically happy. Everyone else co-mingles in the middle, half heartedly clapping.

W. climbs into the ring and walks to the podium. “Ladies and gentlemen, I can proudly say without any reservation that the state of BCEW is strong!” W. declares. “For a small, disparate group several notches below the Professional Wrestling Association, we’ve had a pretty good year. But now we are poised to do even better.” A projection screen comes down behind W. “BCEW is well-positioned with a great and worthy men’s champion to be our flagship and signature wrestler- Rafael Barry Giambee! It’s hard to believe that two years ago, he looked like this.” The ‘before’ photo of Giambee appears on the screen. He is 6’-2” and weighs a scant 175. “Now look at him,” continues W. The ‘after’ photo then appears. Giambee is now 6’-3” and over 350 pounds. The crowd chants “ROIDS! ROIDS! ROIDS!” which enrages the man monster. Giambee growls menacingly back to the audience. “Easy pardner,” W. says and then tries to calm the crowd down, “Rafael Barry Giambee should be an inspiration to us all. The way he has worked his way up the ladder and to be the-” “Point of order,” a snobbish, northeastern voice calls out. It’s the Massachusetts Blueblood- JFK!” observes Suave. “Point of order Mr. CEO,” JFK continues, “if what you say is true then I must submit to you that the true measure of a great champion is taking on the best of the best and besting them…or something to that effect.” “What’s your point?” an annoyed W. asks. “When was the last time Mr. Giambee defended the BCEW title?” JFK asks. A few seconds of silence goes by and then many people in the audience begin to ask the same thing. “How about Justin Sufferable?” JFK says, “he deserves a shot. What about Chris Escondido? Doesn’t he deserve his chance too?” The crowd begins to side with the Massachusetts Blueblood making W. very uncomfortable. “Well, why not tonight?” JFK continues, “what do you all think?” The crowd roars with delight. “Well Mr. CEO,” JFK says, “are you going to give the people what they want?” W. bites his lower lip nervously. “Bring your boys out here in ten minutes,” he says and then walks out of the ring.

Chris Escondido, Justin Sufferable, and JFK exchange high fives in the ring.

Back in W’s office after the speech, W. stomps in very upset at the intrusion of his State of BCEW address. Dick and the Mastermind Karl Rove confer and then address the problem. “Mr. CEO, not to worry,” Dick says reassuringly, “we’ve got everything under control.” Dick then whispers into W’s ear. W’s frown quickly turns into a big smile. “That’s very good,” W says and begins to laugh in his offbeat Texan way while Karl Rove again points his finger at his temple to remind us that he’s a friggin’ genius.

Green World Order vs. The Bomb Brothers with Daisy Cutter Bomb
In the ring, the Green World Order (the Vengeful Vegan Brock Cole Lee and the Peaceniks) observes the passing of the 2nd anniversary of the Iraqi war by having a moment of silence. During the moment of silence, Peacenik #1 rants about the “lives lost in this unjust and illegal war” and demands that the United States “bring the troops home now.” The sound of an explosion blares over the loudspeakers and the very well-endowed and scantily dressed Daisy Cutter-Bomb leads the Bomb Brothers (A. Tom Bomb, Newt Tron-Bomb, and Hy Drogen-Bomb) down the aisle to the ring. A. Tom holds up a placard with a picture of President Bush holding up a can of whup-ass with the caption “Y’all don’t mind if I open up a can of this?” The GWO becomes irate at the placard and Peacenik #2 screeches at them, “How dare you interrupt our solemn moment of silence.” “Let’s just say that we’ve come out here to peacefully and non-violently kick your ass!” retorts Newt. “THAT’S IT!” a voice booms. It’s Michael Powell of the FCC and he looks angry. “Jeez, what the hell does he want now,” Suave says. Powell marches to the ring and proceeds to read everyone the riot act. Powell objects to the language, Daisy Cutter-Bomb’s outfit, and whips out his little pad and pencil to begin to write people up. “NOT SO ******* FAST!” another voice calls out. Powell looks up and is stunned to see his arch-enemy- the Sultan of Shock himself- Howard Stearns. They begin to jaw back and forth. Powell tries to uphold “dignity” and “values.” Everything that Stearns says in return is bleeped and censored. Finally Stearns says something that gets Powell’s attention. “What do you mean ‘you’re getting Sirius?” Powell asks. Suddenly the SRB appears next to Stearns. “IT’S THE SKANKY RICH BIMBOS!” Suave cries out, “PARIS HILTON AND NICOLE RICHIE HAVE JOINED FORCES WITH THE SULTAN OF SHOCK!” The crowd begins to chant, “she’s a crack whore…she’s a crack whore…” Paris responds. “You all are just jealous. Because *we* sizzle. You……ah……you…” Stearns whispers something in her ear. “…right…you *fizzle*.” Hilton and Richie get into the ring to confront Powell. Suddenly, Richie goes for her signature move and pulls her top off. “WARDROBE MALFUNCTION!” Suave yells, “WARDROBE MALFUNCTION!” While Powell is stunned, Hilton leaps on him and knocks him down into the corner of the ring. Then she puts her crotch in Powell’s face and does a “bronco buster” type wrestling move on him. “COOTCHIE CUTTER!” screams Suave in a high-pitched voice, “COOTCHIE CUTTER!” Then Suave throws up. “Oooh man. That has got to be the most vile, digusting move I have ever seen!” He then adds, “And I’ve seen a lot of them.” Powell is out in the ring. Meanwhile, the GWO and the Bomb Brothers go at it on the outside. Then the pious pair, the God Squad- Rev. Dobson and Jerry Falwell- hits the ring and attacks the SRB. Richie is knocked out and falls face first onto the canvas. The crowd boos. Rev. Dobson then bends Paris over his knee while Falwell gets ready to spank her. The crowd cheers. A lot. A tall guy with long hair bursts in and clobbers Falwell. The crowd boos again. “IT’S UNIVERSITY OF COLORADO PROFESSOR WARD CHURCHILL!” Suave exclaims. Churchill sends Rev. Dobson flying over the top rope and then takes the mic. “YOU SUCK,” he shouts at the God Squad, “AND YOU SUCK,” he shouts at the Bomb brothers, “AND YOU ALL SUCK,” he shouts and points at the crowd. “You know why 9/11 occurred? Because AMERICA SUCKS, that’s wh-” Out of nowhere, DeWayne Cantrell blasts Churchill from behind and knocks him forward into the arms of a six foot tall demolition machine in a short skirt. “THAT’S DAWN McGILL!” Suave says excitedly, “BUT SHE’S WITH THE PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING ASSOCIATION! WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING HERE?” McGill drills Churchill in the balls where her six inch spiked heels. Then Cantrell delivers the coup de gras with a steel-folding chair shot across Church-Hill’s back. “Geez what is this,” Suave rhetorically asks as Churchill goes flying out of the ring, “Loose Cannons of Buckland County reunion night?”

Finally, the Massachusetts Blueblood JFK comes out with Justin Sufferable and Chris Escondido and meets George W. in the ring. “No Rafael Barry Giambee,” Johnny Suave observes, “I wonder what’s going on.” So does JFK. “Where’s the champion?” he demands to know. “Hold on a sec,” W responds, “yes, I promised there would be a title defense tonight. And there will be.” W. pauses to let the crowd cheer. “But since I’m a compassionatery kinda guy, I thought we’d do something different. Like…I don’t know…give YOU the title shot tonight!” Everyone stands up and cheers as JFK is taken aback. “WOW! I didn’t expect THAT!” says Suave, “Justin Sufferable and Chris Escondido are pissed!” The duo stalks angrily back and forth across the ring. W. continues: “And if you going to go for the gusto, why waste your one and only opportunity to be world champion on an insignificant BCEW title belt.” “Huh?” a confused Suave says, “what does he mean?” W. gets his trademark smirk on. “JFK. I think you can do better than that. In the spirit of my “no wrestler left behind” program, I’m giving you’re the chance of a lifetime. You’re going to wrestle for the PWA world championship!” A heavy metal riff suddenly blares over the sound system and the place explodes. “HOLY CRAP!” shouts Johnny Suave, “THAT CAN’T BE WHO I THINK IT IS?” JFK looks confused as the enthused crowd starts to sing to the theme music, “WORK! SWEAT! PERSPIRE! WORK-SWEAT-PERSPIRE!” “HE’S NOT REALLY HERE- IS HE?” Suave asks. The crowd goes nuts when two figures appear at the entrance. Suave gushes, “HOLY CRAP! HE’S HERE! HE’S HERE! IT’S RON CLAUDE VAN DAMMIT. RCVD IS HERE!” “WORK! SWEAT! PERSPIRE! WORK-SWEAT-PERSPIRE!” chants the crowd as the six foot tall demolition machine in a short skirt Dawn McGill leads RCVD to the ring. JFK looks stunned when he gets his first good look at Van Dammit. RCVD is cut, chiseled, and a complete physical specimen- a total wrestling machine. Justin Sufferable and Chris Escondido quickly bail out of the ring and run right over to Johnny Suave’s broadcast position. JFK is left all alone. “HE CAN’T WRESTLE HIM!” Sufferable complains as RCVD jumps into the ring. “HE’S A REAL FAKE WRESTLER!” “RCVD is the hardest working guy in pro wrestling,” Suave gushes, “He is the ABSOLUTE FREAKIN’ SHOW!” Van Dammit warms up by doing leg splits and various martial art leaping kicks. JFK mouths “Oh…my…God” as the bell rings.

“The Absolute Whole Freakin’ Show” Ron-Claude Van Dammit with Dawn McGill vs. The Massachusetts Blueblood JFK
RCVD defeats the Massachusetts Blueblood in fourteen seconds.

JFK lies in pain on the floor and mumbles incoherently, “Aye…aye…aye…” “THIS IS NOT RIGHT!” whines Chris Escondido, “IT’S A TRAVESTY! A COMPLETE TRAVESTY!” A disgusted Justin Sufferable huffs: “YEAH! MARK MY WORDS! SOMEONE IS GOING TO PAY FOR THIS! ”

Final Card for PCW’s Loose Cannons Unleashed 8

MATCHES SIGNED FOR JUNE’S PCW LOOSE CANNONS UNLEASHED 8 PPV:

-PCW Television Title Match: ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (D) (c) vs. Valora Salinas

-PCW Tag Team Title Match: Big Union: ‘The Self Proclaimed Savior of the Middle Class’ Big Labor and James the Jeep Worker (D) (c) vs. Scott Walker’s Rangers: Ronnie and John Walker (R)

-PCW Women’s Title Match: Miss USA (c) vs. Kathryn Randall Collins (D)

-Red Title Match: ‘The Japanese Superdestroyer’ Yamamoto Tanaka (R) vs. RINO- The Wonk Machine (R) vs. Big Oil (R) vs. Kirk Walstreit (R)

-Blue Title Match-Last Man Standing: Daniel-San (D), Big Labor (D), Extreme Plaintiff Attorneys Felcher and Felcher (D),  Green World Order (‘Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee, GreenPete, ‘Radishing’ Rick Rube- Agronomist, and PeaceNick w/Peta from PETA (D),  ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (D)

-PCW Title Match: The Sanderman (D) (c) vs. Yamamoto Tanaka (R)

Brought to you by:

Why should you buy this book?

Jesusland v Progressiveville isn’t the usual predictable partisan trashing of the other side like other political books. J v P doesn’t pander to the fringes of both sides like most books do.

Jesusland vs Progressiveville parodies the very ones responsible for over the top devisive political discussion: Markos Moutilsas, Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin, Keith Olbermann, Chris Matthews, Ann Coulter, Ed Schultz, Glenn Beck, Bill O’Reilly, Alec Baldwin among others.

The cover with Sarah Palin and Keith Olbermann sums up just what our political discourse has become.

Brought to you by the same demented bunch behind Political Championship Wrestling and not bought and paid for by big corporations or either political party, Jesusland vs. Progressiveville is a political satire that would be f#$@ing hilarious if parts of the book wasn’t painfully true about the abject dysfunction in American politics.

Available at Amazon.com and other online bookstores.

Hilary Rosen-Ann Romney Catfight/Pippa Middleton

PCW Never a Dull Moment in Denver Recap
Ogden Theater
Denver, CO
Saturday April 14th, 2012

The show began with ‘The Massachusetts Redblood’ Mitt Romney (R-MA) coming out and taking an ad-hoc victory lap around the theater to celebrate his presumed coronation as the Republican opponent for PCW CEO ‘The Political Natural’ Barack Obama (D-IL) in the fall.

Newt Gingrich then stormed out and demanded a one on one match against Romney.  Gingrich then was grabbed by security and then forcibly dragged out of the building while shouting “THIS IS ALL FOX NEWS’S FAULT!”

(1) The Green World Order: Radishing Rick Rube- Agronomist and ‘Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee w/GreenPete, PeaceNick, and Peta from PETA def. Politically Incorrect: NRA and Nic Koteen w/ Al Cahall and Andrea Doria with Guest Referee MSNBC‘s Rachel Maddow.

NRA nearly had the Extreme Vegan pinned but Maddow pulled up before finishing the three count.  Rube then broke a flower pot over NRA’s head and Brock Cole Lee hooked the legs for the pin.

After the match, the GWO forced the crowd to watch those hideous anti-smoking ads that’ve been playing on TV…

 Anti-Smoking Commercial 2012

Charlie Blackwell of the American Heartland Coalition came out with his Les Miserables and offered his own graphic, hard hitting commercial.

1) A family leaves their house after it’s been foreclosed on by the bank
2) A husband and wife fight because money is tight and the bills aren’t getting paid
3) An employee is informed that he will not be getting a pay increase this year and should be just thankful he has a job.
4) The printing press keeps on printing money because Republicans and Democrats continue to spend it at record levels and run up huge federal deficits and debt.
5) Finally, the most disgusting part of the commercial, Republican and Democrat special interest groups feeding from a large Federal trough paid for by the American Taxpayer.

Democrats The Sanderman- also PCW Champion and  ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism- PCW Television Champion run down to the ring at the same time the Republican Establishment (Corporate Might’s Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit) do.  They bump into each other and an awkward moment ensues.

Why should you buy this book?

Jesusland v Progressiveville isn’t the usual predictable partisan trashing of the other side like other political books.  J v P doesn’t pander to the fringes of both sides like most books do.

Jesusland vs Progressiveville parodies the very ones responsible for over the top devisive political discussion: Markos Moutilsas, Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin, Keith Olbermann, Chris Matthews, Ann Coulter, Ed Schultz, Glenn Beck, Bill O’Reilly, Alec Baldwin among others.

The cover with Sarah Palin and Keith Olbermann sums up just what our political discourse has become.

Brought to you by the same demented bunch behind Political Championship Wrestling and not bought and paid for by big corporations or either political party, Jesusland vs. Progressiveville is a political satire that would be f#$@ing hilarious if parts of the book wasn’t painfully true about the abject dysfunction in American politics.

Available at Amazon.com and other online bookstores.


Tom Tebow- Tim Tebow’s long lost, black sheep brother

(2) Tommy Tebow def. SNAFU in a hard hitting, hardcore showdown.

Post match, Tebow went up to former New Orleans Saints Defensive Co-ordinator Gregg Williams and collected a bounty for knocking SNAFU out.

PCW REWIND: May, 2011


Pippa Middleton dances in her bra for the PCW crowd.

Hilary Rosen (D) accompanied the PCW Women’s Champion Kathryn Randall Collins (D) to the ring.  Rosen points up to the box where Mitt Romney is celebrating with his wife Ann and mocks Romney saying his wife helped him understand the economic challenges women face.

Rosen: “Guess what?  His wife has actually never worked a day in her life.  She’s never really dealt with the kinds of economic issues that a majority of the women in this country are facing, in terms of how do we feed our kids, how do we send them to school, and why do we worry about their future.”

KRC then compares her to Miss USA giving up her career for over a year to have a baby with her husband.  KRC says Miss USA’s decision to put her family over her career is an affront to the women’s movement.


Miss USA

Out walks Miss USA flanked by the Mercenaries…


The Mercenaries: Dawn McGill and Svetlana Kovalevski

McGill, holding a kendo stick in one hand and her daughter’s hand in the other, and Kovalevski, carrying her son, challenge Code Pink and Emily S. List (D) to a match with a stipulation- if the Mercenaries win, KRC must put her PCW Women’s title on the line against Miss USA.  If they lose, Miss USA, McGill, and Kovalevski will leave PCW.

KRC accepts and the match is on.

(3) The Mercenaries: Dawn McGill and Svetlana Kovalevski w/Miss USA vs. Code Pink and Emily S. List w/PCW Women’s Champion Kathryn Randall Collins (D)

Code Pink goes for the glitter bomb early but it backfires – literally.  Pink blinds herself and she’s on the shelf for the rest of the match leaving List to fend for herself against McGill and Kovalevski.

Hilary Rosen tries to intervene but out of nowhere Ann Romney runs to the ring and tackles her. Rosen and Romney roll all over the ring causing ‘The Voice of PCW’ to shout:

Johnny Suave: “CAT-FIIIIIIIIIIGHT!  CAT-FIIIIIIIGHT!

KRC then interjects herself into the match by dragging Kovalevski out of the ring and List locks McGill up in the Abdominal Stretch.  List, seeing McGill’s daughter ringside, starts taunting her.  Then she lifts McGill up to body slam her and feels a sharp pain in her derriere.  She drops McGill and turns around to see McGill’s 2 year old daughter smiling.  List, distracted, then gets walloped by a kendo stick shot by McGill and that’s all.

McGill gets the pin and Miss USA gets her title shot coming up Thursday night on PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN.

PCW Rewind: 2008 Drama in Des Moines

PCW “DRAMA IN DES MOINES”- JAN. 3RD, 2008
Results from Des Moines, IA.

The results from first ever PCW Road Show Across America Tour show last night in Des Moines, IA.

The crowd chants, “PCW…PCW…PCW” as Charlene Ann Beckworth comes out and welcomes everyone to PCW’s first show away from the Northwest Ohio, Southeast Michigan area.

MATCH #1- ‘The Queen of Political Extreme’ Ann Coulter (American Patriots) vs. ‘Trailer Park Honey’ Tanya Hardy (Independent)
Hardy was by herself as the remaining members of her White Trash Posse, Jeff and Shane, mourned the death of Shawn. Coulter gets the win by submission when she gets Hardy in an abdominal stretch and starts screeching at her. After five minutes of listening to Coulter rant on and on and on and on and on about liberals and how they’re ruining the country, Hardy finally taps out.

Post match, Music Diva Barbra Streisand runs in and attacks Coulter from behind. She gets a full nelson on the Queen of Political Extreme and then starts singing which causes Coulter and everyone else in the building to pass out. Streisand then leaves and tells the crowd ‘don’t look at me, I’m a star’ as she walks by.

MATCH #2- Halitosis (Independent) vs. Dr. Ivan Rectum-Fighting Proctologist (Independent)
Two old BCEW favorites hook up as the Fighting Proctologist wrestles the Luchador with lethally bad breath. Dr. Rectum wears a mask over his mouth to prevent Halitosis from delivering the ‘breath of death.’ Halitosis breaks out some fine Lucha Libre moves while Dr. Rectum waits for a chance to snap on the ‘Rubber Glove of Justice.’ Halitosis finally slides down Rectum’s mask and hits him with a full blast of his breath. No human can withstand the full brunt of Halitosis’s breath and the lethal Luchador wins the match.

MATCH #3- FUBAR and Dave “The Elk” Elkins (Independent/American Patriots) vs. Corporate World (Richard Emerson Brantley III and Bradley Scott Wilson) with Coach Bobby Petrino (American Patriots)
FUBAR was originally upset with The Elk for paying Coach Petrino more money to manage him. Then Corporate World came along and offered Petrino even more money to manage them. FUBAR and The Elk then joined forces against the snooty upscalers. Corporate World dominates the early part of the match. Coach Petrino even gets in a couple cheap shots. FUBAR jumps in and rallies. Elkins calls for his driver. FUBAR tosses it to him and he clubs Brantley III over the head with it. Wilson calls Coach Petrino for help, but he’s already accepted another offer with a rival wrestling federation and left. The Elk delivers a driver to the genitals- a double ball shot so extreme that no trick golfer would ever consider doing it. Match over.

MATCH #4- The Green World Order (GreenPete and Vegan Brock Cole Lee) with Peta from PETA and PeaceNick (Progressive Alliance) vs. Ron Paul’s New Libertarian Army (A. Tom Bomb and Hy Drogen Bomb) with Newt Tron Bomb and Daisy Cutter-Bomb (American Patriots)
The crowd chants: “RON-PAUL! (clap-clap) RON-PAUL! (clap-clap). Ron Paul’s group take it to a new political extreme as A-Bomb and H-Bomb immediately attack GreenPete and Brock Cole Lee and all four men end up brawling all over the building using chairs, putting each other through tables, and using every weapon at their disposal. Appalled at the extreme carnage and violence, PeaceNick climbs in the ring to protest. Newt Tron Bomb gets annoyed and takes his placard away and pushes him down. N-Bomb then turns with his ass in PeaceNick’s face and delivers the devastating ‘ Silent But Deadly.’ Peta from PETA then jumps in and kicks N-Bomb in the groin. Finally Daisy Cutter-Bomb joins in and takes Peta out with a breathtaking ‘Daisy Cutter Power Bomb.’

The Angry Left Wing Bloggers (Daily Kos, Media Matters For America, Eric Alterman, and NY Times Columnist Paul Krugman) rush out and quadruple team A-Bomb and N-Bomb. Ron Paul comes to their rescue but the Bloggers fight him off. Politically Incorrect (Nic Koteen and Al Cahall) comes in to help the New Libertarian Army even the odds. Daisy Cutter-Bomb hops out of the ring to help but gets blindsided by a revived Peta from PETA. Peta then jumps on Daisy’s back and knocks her out with chloroform. Taking it even further to the extreme, Peta handcuffs Daisy wrists around the turnbuckle and starts to whack away at her back with a Singapore cane. PeaceNick, of course, is horrified and begins to protest.

Def Leppard’s ‘Rock, Rock til You Drop blares and out comes the Extreme Equalizer, Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. WTF takes the cane away from Peta and starts to use it on the Angry Left Wing Bloggers. A-Bomb and H-Bomb drag GreenPete and Brock Cole Lee back to the ring and N-Bomb sets up tables. A-Bomb destroys GreenPete with an Atomic Power Bomb through the one table; H-Bomb plants Brock Cole Lee through the other. WTF and Politically Incorrect keep the Angry Left Wing Bloggers at bay. Ron Paul’s New Libertarian Army gets the win.

MATCH #5 PCW Non-Title Match- PCW Champion Justin Sufferable (Progressive Alliance) vs. Triple R-Road Rage Randy with Arianna Huffington (Progressive Alliance)
Triple R grabs the microphone from Charlene Ann Beckworth and tells the crowd that the only reason he’s back in PCW is to recover what’s rightfully his- the PCW title. He demands that Sufferable make their match for the title. Sufferable retorts that he may be ‘insufferable’ but Triple R takes it to a whole different level. Arianna then comes on and whines that the Progressive Alliance owe it to Triple R to let him have a title shot. “YEE-AHHHHHHH!” The ‘American Screamer’ Howard Dean comes out. It is four years to the day that Dean got his nickname after his frenetically paced recitation of all fifty American states cumulating with a hearty “YEE-AHHHHHHH!” Dean tells Triple R that no one walks back into PCW and automatically gets a title shot. Triple R fumes and the match begins.

As usual, Triple R is uber aggressive and takes the fight to the champion. The match is fast paced and goes back and forth. Sufferable gains the upper hand late and then Arianna sneaks in and blows blinding powder into the champ’s eyes. Sufferable can’t see and Triple R gets ready to drill him with a steel-folding chair. Then former PCW champion, Independent Chris Escondido, who’s been out for over a year after major knee surgery from an injury caused by an attack by Triple R. Escondido swips the chair away from Triple R and whacks him between the eyes. Escondido puts a figure four leg lock on Triple R and cinches it in good. Triple R screams. Arianna tries to come with more powder and this time, inadvertently blows it in Triple R’s eyes. Sufferable regains his sight and gets the pin.

MATCH #6- Big Oil w/Texas Tex and Mitt Romney, Starz N. Stripes w/ John McCain, Kirk Walstreit w/Fred Thompson, Rev. Robertson of the God Squad w/Rudy Giuliani, and ???????? w/Mike Huckabee and Chuck Norris in an American Patriot five man gauntlet match.
The first of the two main events of the night. This is a rematch from last week’s BCEW’s Christmas Extravaganza. Mike Huckabee takes the microphone and again announces that he wishes Chuck Norris could compete for him tonight but it wouldn’t be fair to everyone else. So he brings out his wrestler for the evening. To everyone’s surprise, it’s ‘Everyman’ Mike the Mechanic. Last week on at the Christmas Extravaganza, Mike the Mechanic gained revenge on Big Oil by costing him the five-way match and stealing back his girl- Sheila the Secretary.

Before the rest of the contestants come to the ring, a huge fracas erupts. Big Oil heaves Starz N. Stripes out into the aisle way and stomps away at his knee. By the time he’s done, Starz can barely walk. The match starts and Starz slowly limps towards the ring. Kirk Walstreit- Wall Street Market Analyst who has a man crush on ESPN’s Kirk Herbsteit immediately goes after Mike the Mechanic. Big Oil starts throwing his weight around and then zeros in on Mike the Mechanic. Starz somehow manages to hang in under tough circumstances and Rev. Robertson stays back and lets the action unfold. Halfway through the match, Ron Paul delights his rabid core of fans by leading his New Libertarian Army (A-Bomb and H-Bomb) to the ring and injecting themselves into the match. All hell breaks loose, Rev. Robertson is one of the early casualties and is eliminated. Big Oil catches A-Bomb and chokeslams him out of the ring and through a table. Fred Thompson cheers on as Walstreit plasters his prized picture of Kirk Herbstreit over H-Bomb’s head and Starz throws him out.

The pain to Starz’s knee is too much and he’s the next one to go. Senator McCain helps him to the back and vows revenge next Tuesday in New Hampshire. Big Oil eliminates Walstreit and then it’s him and Mike the Mechanic. Mitt Romney and Texas celebrate as Big Oil delivers some big power moves and Mike the Mechanic is in trouble. The big guy is about to set him up for the ‘Oklahoma Driller’ when Chuck Norris climbs on the apron and gets in Big Oil’s face. Both men stare each other down while Sheila slips a set of jumper cables to Mike the Mechanic. Mike zaps Big Oil with the cables and wins the match with a little distraction from Chuck Norris.

Mike Huckabee, Mike the Mechanic, and the everpresent Chuck Norris stand tall in the ring after the match.

MATCH #7 PCW Women’s Non-Title Match- PCW Women’s champion “Media Empress” Opal Winfree w/her flock (Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy) and ‘The Natural’ Barack Obama, Kathryn Randall Collins (KRC) with Hillary Clinton, and PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin with John Edwards in a Progressive Alliance three-way dance
The second main event of the night. Collins and Winfree met last week at the Christmas Extravaganza. John Edwards enlists the Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin to his cause and makes this a three-way dance. Winfree and Collins tear into each other again with Martin occasionally joining in. Opal’s flock (Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy) make their presence known by constantly taking cheap shots at both KRC and Martin. Winfree and the Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl finally get on the same page and double-team Collins. Hillary turns and waves for help and out comes the Clinton Political Pitbulls (James Carville, Terry McAuliffe, and Sidney Blumenthal). Carville and McAuliffe pull the legs out from under Winfree and drag her out of the ring. Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy also get tossed out by the Political Pitbulls.

Barack and Edwards jump in and battle with McAuliffe and Blumenthal. On the outside, Hillary grabs a chair and waffles Opal with it. Then Carville drags her over to a table and drapes the Media Empress across it. Barack and Edwards get the upper hand on the Pitbulls and then out of the blue, to everyone’s shock, Bill Clinton runs out. Clinton and McAuliffe double team Edwards near a corner turnbuckle. KRC, after beating down the BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl, Tessa Martin, climbs up on the turnbuckle and prepares to jump and put Opal through a table outside the ring. Clinton throws himself against the ropes and slingshots himself across the ring to send Edwards out. Joe Biden, Christopher Dodd, and Bill Richardson race to the ring and pull Edwards out of the way. Clinton hits the turnbuckle and causes KRC to lose her balance and crotch herself on the ropes. She falls backwards with her legs draped over the top tying herself in the tree of woe. Biden, Dodd, and Richardson attack all three Political Pitbulls. Tessa Martin grabs a steel-folding chair and skateboards it into KRC’s face in the corner. KRC topples over and the Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl eliminates her.

Both Bill and Hillary are in shock. Biden, Dodd, and Richardson brawl with Political Pitbulls Carville, McAuliffe, and Blumenthal back up the ramp. Soccer Mom gets back in the ring and shouts ‘It’s for the children’ as she takes a chair and nails Tessa Martin with it. Opal revives and wins the match.

Barack Obama holds up Opal’s hand in victory.

The next stop in the PCW Road Show Across America will be January 8th at “Mayhem at Manchester” in Manchester, New Hampshire.

Updated Rankings/Jesusland vs. Progressiveville is Next PCW PPV

The results from last week’s PCW Lock and Load Paper View show:

‘The Demolition Machine in a Short Skirt’ Dawn McGill (I) def. Casey Anthony(?)

Bristol Palin (R) def. Stephen Hanks (D)

Daniel-San (I) def. PCW Champion Yamamoto Tanaka (D)

O’Beck Bahama (D) def. ‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott (R)

The Korver Sisters (D) won the PCW Women’s Tag Team Title from Merchants of Death (R)

PCW Tag Team Champions The Schmidt Brothers (R) def. The California Teacher’s Union (D)

Ann Coulter (R) won the King/Queen of Extreme Title from Keith Olbermann (D)

Valora Salinas (I) won the PCW Women’s title from Callie Urban (D)

Daniel-San (I) def. O’Beck Bahama (D) to win the PCW Title.

Newly Updated PCW Rankings:

PCW WORLD CHAMPION:  Daniel-San (I)
PCW WOMEN’S CHAMPION: Valora Salinas (I)
PCW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: Jack and Joe Schmidt (R-Libertarian)
PCW WOMEN’S TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS:The Korver Sisters: Kelly and Korey Korver (D)

SINGLES CONTENDERS:
#1- ‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott (R)
#2- O’Beck Bahama (D)
#3- Texas Jack (R)
#4- Charlie Blackwell (I)
#5- ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (D)

TAG TEAM CONTENDERS:
#1- California Teachers Union: ‘The Foul Pole’ Andy Golatta/Malibu Dusty (D)
#2- Corporate Might:  Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit (R)
#3- Big Labor/Triple R (D)
#4- Charlie Blackwell/’No Frills’ Chris Escondido (I)
#5- Paul Ryan’s Raiders: Nick Ray and Kevin Collins (R)

WOMEN’S CONTENDERS:
#1- Callie Urban (D)
#2- Kathryn Randall Collins (D)
#3- Sarah Mae Smith (R)
#4- Kalee Jones- The Eskimo Queen (R)
#5- Jackie Daniels (I)

PCW WOMEN’S TAG TEAM CONTENDERS:
#1- Merchants of Death: Angel Scott and Angel Casey (R)
#2- The Mercenaries: Dawn McGill and Svetlana Kovalevski (I)
#3- The Triple Threat: ‘Texas Cowgirl’ Haley Dallas and Kalee Jones- The Eskimo Queen (R)
#4- Women For Women: Code Pink and Emily List (D)
#5- The Pinups: Sabrina James and Alicia Rowe (I)

PCW KING OF EXTREME CHAMPION:’The Queen of Political Extreme’ Ann Coulter (R)
#1- Keith Olbermann (D)
#2- Glenn Beck (R)
#3-  Ed Schultz (D)
#4- Andrew Breitbart (R)
#5- Janeane Garofalo (D)

———————————

Former PCW Women’s Champion Callie Urban (D) is expected to stay in PCW for a while longer.  After two epic encounters with Valora Salinas (I), don’t be surprised if a third and decisive confrontation isn’t in the cards down the road.

PCW is still waiting on Chris Christie (R-NJ) and ‘The Alaskan Pitbull’ Sarah Palin (R-AK)  to finally make their minds up whether or not they are jumping into the PCW CEO contest.  With January 2012 coming fast, Christie and Palin are running out of time if they want to throw their hats into the ring.

Protestors continue to occupy Republican Kirk Walstreit’s front lawn #occupywallstreet.  These are strange kind of populists, drinking latte from Starbucks and having their dinners delivered in via limousines.

Mid-December’s “Jesusland vs. Progressiveville” is PCW’s next Paper View show.  Tune in tomorrow night for PCW Extreme Political TV to begin the road to J vs. P.

Who is More Extreme? Coulter or Olbermann?: PCW Lock and Load- Part 3

DEMOCRATS LOCKER ROOM
Former 3-time PCW Champion Yamamoto Tanaka (D) gathers his stuff from a locker and stuffs it in a duffel bag.

Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) walks in.  She wants to know what he’s doing.  Tanaka, through his interpreter, tells her he’s just packing his stuff up.  Pelosi sharply tells him she expects Tanaka to be available to help O’Beck Bahama win the PCW title ‘since he couldn’t get the job done against Daniel-San.’  Pelosi turns to leave.  Tanaka glares at her as she goes.

BACKSTAGE
Radio Talk Host Dennis Miller (R-CA)
endorses Herman Cain (R-GA)to be the next PCW CEO.  Miller holds up a prospective bumper sticker for Cain, “Cain Versus Not Able.” 

Suave says Miller has supported Cain for several months, and even directed his listeners to Cain’s campaign website.

MATCH #6
PCW Tag Team Title Match
PCW Tag Team Champions The Schmidt Brothers: Jack and Joe (R) w/Ron Paul (R-TX) and Vince Vaughn vs The California Teacher’s Union: ‘Foul Pole’ Andy Golatta and Malibu Dusty (D) w/’The Self Proclaimed Savior of the Middle Class’ Big Labor (D) and the Longshoremen (D)

Suave says this should be an all-out war.  The Schmidts, 3 time PCW Tag Team champions, took back the title from the CTU at PCW Loose Cannons Unleashed.  Now, the Schmidts find themselves up against not only the CTU but the unions fighting back to keep their political power

Suave adds the big question in this match is the big rumor that Charlie Blackwell, ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido, and Blackwell’s Les Miserables will intervene in this match on the Schmidt’s behalf.  If so, not only will there be plenty of action in the ring, they’ll be a lot of action outside the ring as well.

…Jack Schmidt with some boots to Malibu Dusty.   Andy Golatta in and delivers some chops to Jack.  Joe Schmidt with the blind tag and he and Jack hit Malibu Dusty with a nice double team cutter.  Cover…1…2…Big Labor makes the save.  Vince Vaughn yells something at Big Labor.  The CTU began double teaming Jack and Malibu Dusty starts to work on the neck of Jack…

…Golatta gets a right hand shot in on Jack.  Jack down; Golatta covers…1…2…Vince Vaughn makes the save?  Golatta grabs Vaughn and Malibu Dusty comes in for a double suplex.  But the crowd roars and it’s the Jersey Boyz: Vinnie and Frankie (R) w/Mona Lisa and Chris Christie (R-NJ).  Vinnie saves Vaughn and Jack tags in Joe.  Joe sets up Golatta for a neckbreaker and Jack chops him before he drops him.  Joe covers…that gets two…

…Outside the ring, the Jersey Boyz brawl with The Longshoremen and Independents Blackwell and Escondido go into the crowd with Big Labor and fellow Democrat James the Jeep Worker.  Inside the ring, Malibu Dusty hits a big suicide dive onto the Schmidts.  Golatta takes a running, flying knee smash and misses, hitting the corner turnbuckle.  The fans chant “PCW…PCW…”  Joe hits a flying bodypress on Golatta.  Jack hits a clothesline while Joe simultaneously hits a leg sweep.  Suave: “TOTAL ELIMINATION!”

Joe hooks the legs…1…2…3.

WINNER AND STILL PCW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: The Schmidt Brothers: Jack and Joe (R) @ 16:33

The Schmidts celebrate as the brawling continues.  Then…

Suave: “IT’S ATTACK WAAAAAAATCH!”

Attack Watch runs to the ring and bowls over Blackwell and Escondido.  Clothesline to Vinnie.  Clothesline to Frankie.  Big Boot to Blackwell.  Big Boot to Escondido.  Kenzie Blackwell jumps on Attack Watch’s back and attempts to choke him.    Security steps in and tries to seperate everyone.

BACKSTAGE
PCW Barack Obama
talks with PCW Investigative Reporter Woodward Bernstein.

Obama: “If we don’t prepare our people with the skills that they need to compete, we’re going to have problems.  If we don’t make sure that we continue to have the best infrastructure in the world, we’re going to have problems.  If we’re not continuing to invest in basic research, we’re going to have challenges.  If we don’t get our fiscal house in order in a way that is fair and equitable so that everybody feels like they have responsibilities to not only themselves and their family but also the country that’s given them so much opportunity, we’re going to have problems.  And so I am extraordinarily confident about America’s long-term future.  But we are going to have to make some decisions about how we move forward.  And what’s striking to me is, when we’re out of Washington and I’m just talking to ordinary folks, I don’t care whether they’re Republicans or Democrats, people are just looking for common sense.  The majority of people agree with the prescriptions I just offered.  The majority of people by a wide margin think we should be rebuilding our infrastructure.  The majority of folks by a wide margin think that we should be investing in education.  The majority of people by a wide margin think we should be investing in science and technology.  And the majority of people think by a wide margin that we should be maintaining programs like Social Security and Medicare to provide a basic safety net.   The majority of people by a significant margin think that the way we should close our deficit is a balance of cutting out those things that we don’t need, but also making sure that we’ve got a tax code that’s fair and everybody is paying their fair share.”

Chaz Bono Backstage
Chaz Bono visits PCW backstage.  Suddenly, someone runs out and shouts: ““Chaz Bono how low can this show sink! Well you have certainly addressed the gay community. Guess this will not be a family show any longer! Lost my family!”

Def Leppard’s ‘Tear It Down’ begins.

You got the look of a howlin’ wolf
I like it
The kind of eyes that could start a fire
Yes, I like it

Suave:  “IT’S THE EXTREME EQUALIZER- WHISKEY…TANGO…FOXTROT!!!!”

A streetwise dynamo
I switch you on and I watch you go
A thrill to touch, you’re so hot
I’m coming for you ready or not


Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

I’m gettin’ ready
Livin’ on the edge of a dream
Gettin’ ready, I’m gettin’ ready
Oh, switch on your lovin’ machine

Crowd: What the #$##!  What the #$##!

Tear it down
There’s got to be a better way
Tear it down
I can’t wait another day

The guy tries to escape.  The Extreme Equalizer grabs him and lifts him in the air.  Then WTF delivers a powerbomb and flips him off.

Tear it down
There’s got to be a better way
Tear it down
If only you could stay
All night long

Replay: 7/18 PCW Extreme Political TV
Match #3 for the King of Extreme Title
Rush Limbaugh

Sean Hannity
Ann Coulter
Markos Moutilsas
Arianna Huffington
‘Hardball’ Chris Matthews
Glenn Beck
Laura Ingraham
Bill O’Reilly
Alan Grayson
Rachel Maddow
Keith Olbermann

Al Gore immediately goes over to Beck and starts caning the ever-livin’ crap out of him.  Then…


David Shuster, Shannyn Moore, and Andrea Mitchell

…the FOK News All-Stars come out and join Gore in the beat down of Coulter.  Olbermann urges them on while wearing the crimson mask.  Shuster and Gore hold Coulter up.  Olbermann can’t see very well.  He charges Coulter.  SPEAR!]

Sauve: “SPEAR RIGHT OFF THE TOP OF THE CAGE!  HOLY CRAP!”

[Olbermann and Coulter land in the ring after going through the other levels of the cage.  They're both out.  But Olbermann lands on top of Coulter.  The referee makes the count...1...2...3.]

MATCH #7
PCW King of Extreme Title Match
PCW King of Extreme Champion Keith Olbermann (D) vs. The Queen of Political Extreme Ann Coulter (R)

Suave notes that Olbermann has held the title since July 18th when he won a battle royale on PCW Extreme Political TV.  Now, he faces an extreme challenge from ‘The Queen of Political Extreme’ herself Ann Coulter.  Her recent Facebook remarks about Troy Davis the night he was executed show that Coulter is in rare form.  For his part, Olbermann continues to do the things he usually does, rip Sarah Palin, rip Republicans, but on a much smaller scale than before- on Current TV.  Can Olbermann’s usual schtick hold up against ‘The Queen of Political Extreme?’

The bell rings.

Olbermann has the FOK News All-Stars (David Shuster, Shannyn Moore, and Martin Bashir) with him. Back and forth to start.  Coulter lands a loud slap to Olbermann’s face.  Stand off, and the crowd cheers.  Chops in the corner by Coulter.  She goes for a 10 punch count along but Olbermann puts a stop to it with an atomic drop at 4.  Suplex by Olbermann.  He gets a chair and sets it up in the corner.  Sends Coulter in shoulder first.  Snapmare? Olbermann covers- Coulter kicks out at 2…

…Olbermann and Coulter trade punches back and forth.  Coulter with a bionic elbow, with a mule kick thrown in for good measure.  Shuster and Moore on the ring apron.  The Tea Party: Average Joe, NRA, and ‘Tin Cup’ Ray McAvay, runs down and beats them to the back.  Olbermann distracted, Coulter with a chairshot.  Coulter covers…1…2…Olbermann kicks out.  Olbermann is bleeding.  Coulter with a basement dropkick.  She covers again for 2.  Olbermann goes for spinebuster, Coulter floats over and hits a neckbreaker on the chair…

…Coulter rolls under a Dragon Suplex.  She gets the Downward Spiral and then floats into the Koji Clutch.  The crowd now comes to life.  Olbermann gets the ropes.  Coulter’s got the cheese grater out…CHEESE GRATER!   Coulter with some elbows to the neck and folds him up with a SICK neckbreaker.  She makes the cover and here comes the FOK News All-Stars again followed by the Tea Party.  Average Joe, NRA, and McAvay pull Shuster, Moore, and Moore off the ring apron to the floor.  Olbermann’s distracted…Coulter with the chair…*WHAM!*  Olbermann’s down.  Coulter rolls him up…1…2…NO!  Olbermann kicked out.  The crowd can’t believe it.  Coulter can’t believe it.

Coulter takes the chair and slams it across his back.   Cover…1…2…KICK OUT!  Olbermann up.  Coulter with a side headlock…DDT on the chair.  Another cover..1…2…SHOULDER UP! Coulter with a rolling senton bomb.  Cover…1…2…AGAIN, KICK OUT!  Coulter slams the mat with her hand.   She slides out and pulls a table out.  She throws it in the ring and then sets it up.  Olbermann moving.  Coulter stomps at him and pulls him up.  She’s going for an Acid Drop…THROUGH THE TABLE!

Suave: “HOLY CRAP!”

Coulter hooks the legs…1…2…3!  New champion!

WINNER AND NEW KING…ER…QUEEN OF EXTREME CHAMPION: Ann Coulter (R) @ 21:55

Coulter sits on the mat and tries to catch her breath.  The FOK News All-Stars are not happy and complain to the referee.

More to come…

PCW Lock and Load 6 Preview

Replay: Thursday night’s PCW Politics is War
PCW Champion Yamamoto Tanaka and O’Beck Bahama (D) w/Justin Sufferable vs. Daniel-San (I) w/Mrs. Miyagi and ‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott (R)
…Daniel-San unloads skillet shots to Tanaka’s nuts.  Bahama moonsaults Scott through the table.   Bahama manages to put Daniel-San through another table.   Tanaka drags Daniel-San up to the top turnbuckle…JAPANESE SUPERDESTROYER!  He covers but the ref is distracted by Mrs. Miyagi on the outside.  Sufferable goes over and nails Mrs. Miyagi with a chairshot.   Tanaka regains the referee’s attention…1…2…3.

And with that, PCW Champion Yamamoto Tanaka’s final Politics is War appearance is marked with a tag team win.  Tonight, Tanaka makes his last appearance in PCW at Lock and Load 6.

Here is the card:

First round match in PCW Lock and Load tournament
Daniel-San (I) w/Mrs. Miyagi vs. PCW Champion Yamamoto Tanaka (D)
-How will the PCW Champion go out?  Will he leave as champion?  Or will someone take the title from him?
-Daniel-San is still smarting over PCW CEO Barack Obama and the PCW Executive Board discontinuing the Television Title- of which he held at the time.  Now, after surviving two four-way matches he gets his chance against Tanaka?  Can Daniel-San overcome the odds and a determined Democratic machine gunning to keep the title in their hands?

First round match in PCW Lock and Load tournament
‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott (R) vs. O’Beck Bahama (D)
-In 2008, Scott (then Starz N. Stripes) and Bahama put on the greatest match in PCW history.  Now, nearly 3 years later, can the two rekindle that magic and do it again?
-Scott would like nothing more than to excise the ghost of what happened that night.  Yes, he’s held the PCW Title belt since then but he benefited from a bit of chicanery on the part of the PCW Competition Committee with Jill Berg forfeited the title.   Now, Scott can kill two birds with one stone.
-Bahama’s long road back from a severe concussion that cost him the title in 2009 and put him out of action for nearly 2 years would be complete if he could defeat Scott and then win the PCW title back.

PCW Women’s Tag Team Title Match
PCW Women’s Tag Team Champions Merchants of Death: Angel Scott and Angel Casey (R) vs. The Korver Sisters: Kelly and Korey (D)
-If you’ve never seen Merchants of Death (formerly Angels of Death) in action, tonight you’re in for a treat.  The MoD was the dominant tag team in Missouri Valley Wrestling and took on all comers.  Tonight, they get old MVW foes, and former tag team champions themselves, The Korver Sisters.  Kelly and Korey signed with the Democrats for one reason- they promised the team they would push them for the PCW Tag Team belts.  Tonight is their opportunity.  Can the Korvers, who have defeated the MoD before in MVW, use their technical skills to outmatch the most extreme female tag team political wrestling has ever seen? 

PCW Tag Team Title Match
PCW Tag Team Champions The Schmidt Brothers: Jack and Joe (R) w/Ron Paul (R-TX) and Vince Vaughn vs The California Teacher’s Union: ‘Foul Pole’ Andy Golatta and Malibu Dusty (D) w/’The Self Proclaimed Savior of the Middle Class’ Big Labor (D) and the Longshoremen (D)
-In what should be an all-out war, The Schmidt Brothers put their PCW Tag Team belts on the line against former champions- The California Teacher’s Union.  The Schmidts, 3 time PCW Tag Team champions, took back the title from the CTU at PCW Loose Cannons Unleashed.  Now, the Schmidts find themselves up against not only the CTU but the unions fighting back to keep their political powerThe big question in this match is the big rumor that Charlie Blackwell, ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido, and Blackwell’s Les Miserables will intervene in this match on the Schmidt’s behalf.  If so, not only will there be plenty of action in the ring, they’ll be a lot of action outside the ring as well.

PCW King of Extreme Title Match
PCW King of Extreme Champion Keith Olbermann (D) vs. The Queen of Political Extreme Ann Coulter (R)
-Olbermann has held the title since PCW Loose Cannons Unleashed.  Now, he faces an extreme challenge from ‘The Queen of Political Extreme’ herself Ann Coulter.  Her recent Facebook remarks about Troy Davis the night he was executed show that Coulter is in rare form.
-For his part, Olbermann continues to do the things he usually does, rip Sarah Palin, rip Republicans, but on a much smaller scale than before- on Current TV.  Can Olbermann’s usual schtick hold up against ‘The Queen of Political Extreme?’  Stay tuned…

PCW Women’s Title Match
PCW Women’s Champion Callie Urban (D) vs. PCW’s Queen of Extreme Valora Salinas (I)
-At the last Missouri Valley Wrestling pay per view show, May’s Arch Wrestling Madness, Urban and Salinas put on a five minute exhibition of pure adrenalinized combat.  After getting cut in the initial seconds of the match, Valora threw everything she had at Urban in a frenzied attempt to end the match quick.  Urban held on and as Valora weakened took control of the match.
-Valora has won titles everywhere she’s gone from Wrestling Midwest to High Octane Wrestling, the WfWA to Missouri Valley Wrestling.  Can she add the PCW Women’s title to that list?  Urban also has an impressive resume of titles to her credit from no Brand Wrestling to All-star Championship Wrestling.  This is shaping up to be a remake of the ages.

PCW Title Match
TBA vs. TBA
-The winner of Daniel-San (I) w/Mrs. Miyagi vs. PCW Champion Yamamoto Tanaka (D) and ‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott (R) vs. O’Beck Bahama (D) will meet and the winner will be the PCW Champion.

One more match added to the card:
Casey Anthony
will meet ‘The Six Foot Demolition Machine’ Dawn McGill in the opening match of the night in a five minute cage match.  If Anthony can survive five minutes with McGill she wins.
-a Florida judge on Friday doubled the amount Anthony had to reimburse authorities to more than $217,000 for the costs of investigating the disappearance of her 2-year-old daughter, Caylee, which means Anthony needs the money badly.

Alec Baldwin and Michelle Malkin Catfight: 9/22-PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN

PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN (2 hrs)
UCF Arena
Orlando, Florida
Thursday September 22th, 2011
Host: Johnny Suave

Suave in the middle of the ring to welcome everyone to the final show before PCW Lock and Load this Sunday night.   Suave runs down the card…

The card for PCW Lock and Load this Sunday:
First round matches in PCW Lock and Load tournament
Daniel-San (I) w/Mrs. Miyagi vs. PCW Champion Yamamoto Tanaka (D)
‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott (R) vs. ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (D)

PCW Women’s Tag Team Title Match
PCW Women’s Tag Team Champions Merchants of Death: Angel Scott and Angel Casey (R) vs. TBA

PCW Tag Team Title Match
PCW Tag Team Champions The Schmidt Brothers: Jack and Joe (R) vs The California Teacher’s Union: ‘Foul Pole’ Andy Golatta and Malibu Dusty (D)

PCW King of Extreme Title Match
PCW King of Extreme Champion Keith Olbermann (D) vs. The Queen of Political Extreme Ann Coulter (R)

PCW Women’s Title Match
PCW Women’s Champion Callie Urban (D) vs. PCW’s Queen of Extreme Valora Salinas (I)

PCW Title Match
TBA vs. TBA

Suave comes back on and it’s time to go back to earlier in the night.

Alec Baldwin (D) comes out and he’s pissed about the execution of Troy Davis in Georgia last night.   He says Davis is dead and wants to know if Michelle Malkin (R) is happy.   The anti-justice haters won.  

Malkin walks out and wants to know what’s the deal with all the hate talk from all the Baldwin wannabes.  Let’s go all Town Hall on that supreme thinker, Michelle Malkin- a world class, crypto fascist hater?  Really? 

Baldwin claims right-wingers always hide the shameful policies of their nutbag policies behind “supporting the troops.”  He wonders if ‘Malkin will push the needle in herself’ on a man the former FBI director said might have reasonable doubt on his side.

Malkin tells Baldwin to direct his minions’ ire/rage/profanity/racism/sexism at the US Supreme Court, not her.

Suave comes back on.  And it’s time for our first match…

MATCH 1- GEORGIA ELECTRIC CHAIR MATCH
Alec Baldwin (D) vs. Michelle Malkin (R)

Suave says this match could be explosive…winner straps opponent in an electric chair

…outside the ring Baldwin lays Malkin on the guard rail and dives off a table onto her into the crowd.  Baldwin then put a chair in the ring and another under the ropes. He flies off one chair and launches onto Malkin in the crowd.  Unbelievable.  He sets Malkin on the second rope with a chair underneath her and dives.  The crowd roars when ‘The Queen of Political Extreme Ann Coulter (R)runs out and causes Baldwin to miss and hit the chair with his butt.  Coulter then nails Baldwin with the chair…

COMMERCIAL BREAK

…Coulter and Malkin gets up on the table and moonsaults Baldwin off the turnbuckle and through the table.

Suave: “HOLY CRAP!”

Coulter tries to drag Baldwin to the electric chair but the actor has a death grip on the ropes.  Here comes the King of Extreme Champion Keith Olbermann (D)!   Olbermann with a chair…*bang* right over Malkin’s head opening a big cut above her eye.  Blood was flowing. Coulter nails a moonsault off the top rope and nearly pushes Olbermann into the Electric Chair.

The rest of the Angry Left Wing Bloggers (Markos Moutilsas, Arianna Huffington, Jane Hamsher, Eric Boehlert (D)) spill down to the ring.  They’re joined by the Right Wing Brigadiers (Laura Ingraham, Sean Hannity, Andrew Breitbart, and Glenn Beck (R)) and the referee is forced to call the match.

WINNER: No contest @ 17:43

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Replay from Monday Night
AG TEAM #1 CONTENDER’S MATCH
Corporate Might:  Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit (R) vs. Big Labor/Triple R (D) vs. California Teachers Union: ‘The Foul Pole’ Andy Golatta/Malibu Dusty (D)
…The CTU’s Andy Golatta hits a ‘Foul Pole’ low blow.  The CTU double team Big Oil and and get the first elimination of the match.  Corporate Might (R) eliminated.

At that point, Triple R attacks Big Labor.  The CTU and the Longshoremen quadruple team Triple R.  Triple R is thrown from the ring and Big Labor follows with the Longshoremen.  They drag Triple R to the back and the CTU gets the win via count-out.

Triple R (D) explains why he turned on the Democrat’s.  He says Democrats make unrealistic promises that they can never keep.  Triple R claims that when he returned to the D’s that he was promised a big push for the title.  Instead, he kept getting held back.  Tonight, is a night about real change that I can believe in.  Triple R rips off his shirt and pants and underneath he’s wearing his Rev. Randy Richardson (R) garb.  Richardson then brings out the God Squad (R).

Out walks Leader-PCW Executive Board Harry Reid (D-NV)and Nancy Pelosi (D-CA)Pelosi tells the crowd to ignore Rev. Richardson because he has ulterior motives. Richardson blames Pelosi and says she’s the one responsible for promising him the moon and then cutting him off at the knees.  Pelosi gets her feathers ruffled and tells Richardson he worked for her and she used him in the way she thought best.  Reid says he worked for him and if Richardson wants to leave, fine, here’s your parting gift.

At once, The California Teacher’s Union: Andy Golatta and Malibu Dusty (D), Big Labor (D), and The Longshoremen (D) attack Richardson and The God Squad.  Just as PCW heads to commercials, the Republicans run down to make the save…

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Video Package
Linda McMahon (R-CT) announces she’s making a second run at the PCW Executive Committee.

Richard Blumenthal (D-Connecticut) vs. Linda McMahon (R-Connecticut) from PCW Extreme Election 2010
…McMahon to the outside.  Blumenthal with the baseball slide and takes McMahon down to the floor hard.  Now it’s Blumenthal who grabs a chair.  He raises it…he starts to swing…HE’S STOPPED?


Paul Levesque

Suave- HOLY CRAP!  HOLY F@#$#@ CRAP!  THAT’S TRIP-…ER…PAUL LEVESQUE!  HE’S HERE!  IN PCW!

Crowd- HOLY @#$#!  HOLY #$#@!  HOLY !@@#!

Levesque grabs the chair from Blumenthal who wisely returns to the ring.  The crowd goes off again when a female comes out and helps McMahon up.


Stephanie McMahon-Levesque

Suave- WHAT THE @#$#…THAT’S STEPHANIE McMAHON…LEVESQUE!

Blumenthal back in the ring.   Stephanie checks on Linda.  The elder McMahon then steps back into the ring.

Suave- Blumenthal looks a little unsure…kind of like that time Linda asked him how one creates a job.

They battle on the corner.  McMahon connects with a knee strike and a second one.  Blumenthal blocks a third one and hits a slingshot senton followed by a backbreaker.   McMahon hurls herself into the ropes but Blumenthal reverses a crossbody in midair into a power slam.  He covers.  McMahon kicks out at two…

Blumenthal ducks, spins her around, and slaps on the sleeper hold.

Suave- SLEEPER!  SLEEPER HOLD!

McMahon tries to reach the ropes but Blumenthal keeps her right in the center of the ring.

Suave- McMAHON’S IN TROUBLE!  SHE’S TOO FAR FROM THE ROPES…Oh, no.

Levesque pulls out a sledgehammer and climbs up on the apron behind Blumenthal.  He climbs into the ring and raises the sledgehammer.  Levesque swings…Blumenthal ducks at the last second…and McMahon gets it.

Suave- HOLY CRAP!

Levesque can’t believe it.  Mrs. Levesque can’t believe it.  McMahon’s out cold.  Blumenthal makes the cover…one…two…three.

WINNER: Richard Blumenthal (D) @ 11:49

COMMERCIAL BREAK

MATCH #2- Women’s Tag Team #1 Contender’s Match
The Mercenaries: Dawn McGill and Svetlana Kovalevski (R) vs. The Korver Sisters: Korey and Kelly (D)

-winner gets the Merchants of Death (R) for the Women’s Tag Team title at Lock and Load.

…McGill dropkicks Korey Korver off the apron.  Double top rope power bomb on Korey and McGill covers her for two.  The Mercenaries double wishbone Korey, but Kelly breaks it up. Women for Women: Code Pink and Emily List run.  Code Pink hits a Glitter Bomb on McGill and blinds her.  List goes low on Kovalevski and then hits a neckbreaker.

Kelly comes in and hits a a modified airplane spin on McGill.  Women for Women face plants Kovalevski on a chair set up in the corner.  Kelly and Korey hit simultaneous crossarm suplexes with a bridge to win.

WINNER: The Korver Sisters (D) @ 12:21

COMMERCIAL BREAK

BACKSTAGE
Jack and Joe Schmidt, the PCW Tag Team Champions, are unconscious on the hallway floor.  Above them…

Attack Watch (D).  He’s joined by The California Teacher’s Union (D) and the Longshoremen (D).   They mock the Schmidts and spit on them.

Suave, now finding himself without a match, improvises on the fly and decides to call for the Valora Salinas/Callie Urban title match from Missouri Valley Wrestling’s Arch Wrestling Madness PPV as a precursor to their rematch on Sunday at Lock and Load.

Mollie: There’s the bell and the match is on.  Callie Urban versus Valora Salinas for the MVW Title…lock up in the middle of the ring…

Callie and Valora grapple for position.  They step back briefly.

Callie then whips around and snaps off a spinning heel kick that connects flush on Valora’s jaw.  Valora’s eyes roll back and she drops to her knees.

Mollie: URBAN HURT HER WITH THAT SPINNING KICK!  Urban into the ropes…BASEMENT DROP KICK!

Everyone in the arena is standing now.

Valora is bent backwards and then the rest of her body spins around.  She lays sideways on the mat and blood appears on the left side of her face.

KGB: She’s been knocked out?

Callie immediately hooks the legs.  The referee slides in…one…two…

Mollie: VALORA GRABBED THE BOTTOM ROPE!

A roar from the crowd as a dazed Valora tries to pull herself up.  Callie doesn’t let up.  She runs at Valora and hits a step up Shining Wizard move that sends Valora right back down.

Mollie: GENTRIFICATION!  COVER…ONE…TWO…NO!   VALORA GRABBED THE ROPE AGAIN.

The left side of Valora’s face is now covered in blood.

KGB: Mollie, that cut looks ominous.  Could they stop the match?

Mollie: I presume so, Kevin.  Let’s look at the replay…

REPLAY:
On the basement drop kick, the edge Callie’s boots dig into the skin above Valora’s left eye and cause a nasty gash to develop.  Blood began to stream out.

Callie hooks Valora’s legs, this time in the middle of the ring.  The referee makes the count…one…two… Valora kicks out.

Mollie: Callie is keeping the pressure on…

…Crowd: This is Awesome!

Dropkick by Valora, running senton!  Callie crawls back into the ring.

Mollie: Valora pulls Callie up off the mat…DEATH VALLEY DRIVER!  COVER…ONE..TWO…NO!

Valora lifts Callie up…and plants her on her back.

Mollie: SPINEBUSTER BY VALORA.  COVER!  ONE…TWO…CALLIE KICKS OUT!

KGB: Not many people would get up from that.

Mollie:  TORNADO DDT!  VALORA COVERS…NO!  CALLIE KICKS OUT SOMEHOW.   VALORA IS THROWING EVERYTHING AT HER!

Valora pulls Callie up into a side headlock…

Mollie: IMPLANT DDT!  ANOTHER COVER!  YES- NOOOOOOOO!  CALLIE BARELY GOT THE SHOULDER UP!

Valora leaves Callie in a sitting position and climbs the top turnbuckle.  She jumps forward and nails Urban in the throat.

Mollie: FLYING FIRECROTCH GUILLOTINE LEG DROP!  COVER……NO!

Valora slams her hand on the mat.  She slides out of the ring and grabs a bag of something from underneath.  Then she throws it in the ring…

…Callie places Valora in an inverted facelock, and hooks her near arm with her free arm.  Callie pulls backwards and up and wrenches Valora’s neck and puts her knee under her back, adding more pressure.

Mollie: DRAGON SLEEPER!

Callie pulls hard and Valora begins to fade.  But she continues to fight every stretch of the way.

KGB: She’s not going to give up.  Someone needs to stop this.

Valora tries to move towards the ropes.

Mollie: I think the referee’s a little confused about what to do, Kevin.

KGB: To me it’s pretty simple, Valora’s life is worth a lot more than a belt. The match needs to stop now.

Valora pushes Callie even closer to the ropes.  Callie with a head butt to the back of Valora’s head.  She shifts and wraps her arm around Valora’s neck, pressing the biceps against one side of the neck and the inner bone of the forearm against the other side.  Then she wraps her legs around Valora’s and squeezes hard.

Blood now pools on the mat where Valora’s face is.

KGB throws off his headphones and gets up on the apron, screaming at the referee to stop the match.

The referee takes a close look at Valora- she’s unconscious- and immediately calls for the bell.  Medical personnel stream into the ring and attend to the former champion.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

MAIN EVENT:
PCW Champion Yamamoto Tanaka and O’Beck Bahama (D) w/Justin Sufferable vs.
Daniel-San (I) w/Mrs. Miyagi and ‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott (R)
-the four participants in the Lock and Load tournament face off.

Another wild brawl.

… Daniel-San unloads skillet shots to Tanaka’s nuts.  Bahama moonsaults Scott through the table.   Bahama manages to put Daniel-San through another table.   Tanaka drags Daniel-San up to the top turnbuckle…JAPANESE SUPERDESTROYER!  He covers but the ref is distracted by Mrs. Miyagi on the outside.  Sufferable goes over and nails Mrs. Miyagi with a chairshot.   Tanaka regains the referee’s attention…1…2…3.

WINNER: Yamamoto Tanaka and O’Beck Bahama (D) @ 8:50

Suave takes one last look at the Lock and Load card:

The card for PCW Lock and Load this Sunday:
First round matches in PCW Lock and Load tournament
Daniel-San (I) w/Mrs. Miyagi vs. PCW Champion Yamamoto Tanaka (D)
‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott (R) vs. ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (D)

PCW Women’s Tag Team Title Match
PCW Women’s Tag Team Champions Merchants of Death: Angel Scott and Angel Casey (R) vs. The Korver Sisters: Kelly and Korey (D)

PCW Tag Team Title Match
PCW Tag Team Champions The Schmidt Brothers: Jack and Joe (R) vs The California Teacher’s Union: ‘Foul Pole’ Andy Golatta and Malibu Dusty (D)

PCW King of Extreme Title Match
PCW King of Extreme Champion Keith Olbermann (D) vs. The Queen of Political Extreme Ann Coulter (R)

PCW Women’s Title Match
PCW Women’s Champion Callie Urban (D) vs. PCW’s Queen of Extreme Valora Salinas (I)

PCW Title Match
TBA vs. TBA

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