BCEW EXTREME POLITICAL TV – March 17th
From BCEW Hall, Eagle Rock, Ohio.
Host: Johnny Suave
Johnny Suave: “Last week on BCEW Extreme Political TV, we crowned the first BCEW Television champion in a match with a very controversial end. After Triple R made Big Oil tap out to the figure four leg lock, here’s what happened…”
REPLAY OF THE END OF THE BIG OIL (American Patriots) vs. TRIPLE R (Progressive Alliance) vs. ‘No Frills’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO (Independent) FOR THE BCEW TELEVISION TITLE
Just after the referee calls Big Oil out, O’Beck Bahama, Barack Obama, Arianna Huffington, and the Angry Left Wing Bloggers (Eric Alterman, Media Matters for America, Daily Kos) hit the ring and attack Triple R. This brings out Hillary Clinton and her Clinton Political Pitbulls (James Carville, Terry McAuliffe, and Harold Ickes) and it’s an all out fight. Barack’s side has the numbers and Triple R gets destroyed. Then they roll him back into the ring for Escondido to score the pin and the BCEW Television title.
Suave: “And here comes the leader of the Progressive Alliance, ‘The American Screamer’ Howard Dean. I’m sure he’ll have some choice words about what happened last week.”
Sure enough, Dean is furious about O’Beck Bahama costing Triple R the BCEW Television title last week. He calls both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama out and reads them the riot act. Dean states that it’s his job to promote Progressive Alliance wrestlers to win BCEW titles. Dean: “It’s a little hard to do that when one Progressive Alliance member deliberately takes out another.” Dean tells both of them he realizes that it’s a very heated, passionate, and hard fought battle going on to determine the Progressive Alliance nominee to be the next BCEW CEO. Dean: “But, that doesn’t excuse what happened last week.”
Hillary tries to make the point that she’s experienced, tested, and ready to handle these type of situations. Hillary: “It’s clear that my opponent has resorted to cheap, dirty tactics in order to-” Barack interrupts at that point to point out that HRC is the last person who should be complaining about ‘cheap, dirty tactics.’ Both start to squabble before Dean finally steps in. Hillary tells Dean that no matter how many victories O’Beck Bahama has over Triple R, the final decision on who the Progressive Alliance should nominate for BCEW CEO and which wrestler the PA should push for the BCEW title should rest with the leadership of the Progressive Alliance.
Dean: “It’s funny that you say that.” Dean then calls down John Edwards and Christopher Dodd. Both Edwards and Dodd state they will stay neutral until either Barack or Hillary decide their issues. HRC: “What about…him?” Dean: “Him?” HRC: “HIM?” Dean: “Ohhhhh.” Suddenly, Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop” begins to play and the crowd rises. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! HE’S HERE!” A man dressed in a flannel shirt sipping a mocha appears in the back. “HE’S BACK!” Suave repeats, “IT’S THE TREE HUGGIN’, MOCHA CHUGGIN’, TOBACCO COMPANY BUGGIN’, INSANE EXTREME CHAIR SWINGING ALPHA MALE AND ENVIROMENTAL EXTREME HARDCORE ICON- AL GORE!” As the crowd sings “Don’t stop, thinking about tomorrow,” Gore holds up his mocha, inside an environmentally friendly biodegradable container of course, and chugs it down. Then he spews it out of his mouth into the crowd and then crushes the paper container on his forehead in a manly fashion. “HE’S BACK AT THE BCEW HALL!” Suave says as the Environmental Extreme Hardcore Icon slowly makes his way through the crowd. All action inside the rings stops as Gore continues his entrance. He pulls out another container of mocha, guzzles it down, spews it into the crowd, and then smashes the container on his forehead. Gore reaches the ring. Dean: “Well?” Gore: “Uh, yes. I’m staying neutral, too.”
Dean announces that O’Beck Bahama and Triple R will meet April 22nd at the 9th BCEW Roadshow Across America tour date in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. The winner of that match will get a shot at Star N. Stripes’s (American Patriots) BCEW Title at BCEW Loose Cannons Unleashed 4 in June. Dean then lays down the law. Until April 22nd, no more interfering in each other’s matches. And he beseeches both HRC and Barack to tone down the rhetoric. Dean: “Got it?” HRC and Barack nod. Dean: “Good. YEEEEEEEEEEE-AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!”
Suave: “God, I hate it when he does that.”
MATCH #1 A. TOM BOMB of the New Libertarian Army w/Hy Drogen Bomb, Newt Tron Bomb, and Daisy Cutter-Bomb vs. MYSTERY OPPONENT (Who Knows??)
Daisy deviates from her usual military garb to sport an oversized Paul McCartney t-shirt. Suave: “Mystery opponent? What the hell is that all about?” We soon find out. A bunch of Billy Crystal’s pals escort Crystal, who’s blindfolded, down the aisle towards the ring. One friend carries a 60th birthday cake. Suave: “O-kay. First Billy Crystal got to play for the New York Yankees for his birthday. Now? He’s going to wrestle in an actual BCEW match?” Once in the ring, the blindfold is removed and everyone sings “Happy Birthday” to Crystal. The actor gets his first look at A. Tom Bomb and suddenly starts thinking real hard about his own mortality. The bell rings and the match begins.
A-Bomb slides out of the ring and with H-Bomb’s help, slides a table into the ring. A-Bomb takes his time and makes sure the table is set up correctly. Then he turns to Crystal…and smiles. Crystal: “This is really going to hurt, isn’t it?” A-Bomb: “Just for a few minutes.” Crystal closes his eyes as A-Bomb lifts him up and then delivers an Atomic Power Bomb through the table. Crowd: “BCEW! BCEW!” A-Bomb covers and the birthday boy gets counted out.
WINNER: A. TOM BOMB
Post match, Crystal is stretchered out surrounded by his friends. Three men come to the ring and confront the New Libertarian Army. One man identifies himself as Jack Schmitt. He objects to A-Bomb and H-Bomb calling themselves the New Libertarian Army because they don’t know ‘Jack Schmitt’ about what being a Libertarian means. Jack: “You just played along because you were drawn in by Ron Paul. You’re not true Libertarians.” Reluctantly, A-Bomb and H-Bomb agree.
Then John McCain comes out. McCain tells the Bomb Brothers that it’s time to come home to the American Patriots. He realizes that the reason they left had more to do with George W and his aide de camp, Dick, then a lack of support in the American Patriots. A-Bomb and H-Bomb confer…and they agree. McCain leaves and A-Bomb turns to Jack Schmitt. A-Bomb: “No hard feelings?” Jack: “No hard feelings. But, you ain’t going anywhere yet.” Two more men then come to the ring. Jack tells A-Bomb that they fancy themselves the toughest of the tough. Jack points to one of the men. Jack: “I think that’s Bull Schmitt.” A-Bomb: “Uh…come again?” Bull Schmitt reinterates that his name is Bull Schmitt. Jack points to the other. Jack: “That’s Horst Schmitt.”
Suave: “Well what interesting names. And plenty of opportunities for cheap, gratuitous jokes at the Schmitt’s expense.”
MATCH #2 THE BOMB BROTHERS- A-Bomb, H-Bomb, and N-Bomb w/ Daisy Cutter-Bomb (American Patriots) vs. THE ‘NEW’ NEW LIBERTARIAN ARMY- Jack Schmitt, Bull Schmitt, and Horst Schmitt (Independent)
The Schmitts don’t wait for the bell. All three men launch each other at the Bomb Brothers and it’s on. The Schmitts equate themselves well with the Bomb Brothers. A-Bomb and Jack Schmitt go out of the ring and start hitting each other with everything but the kitchen sink. At least, that’s until they make their way back to the kitchen area. Jack rips the kitchen sink from the cupboard and knocks out A-Bomb with it. H-Bomb goes ballistic in the ring and Hydrogen Power Bombs Bull Schmitt through a table. Horst Schmitt chases poor Newt Tron Bomb around the ring until Horst runs into a well placed Singapore cane shot by little sister Daisy. Then Newt Tron sticks his ass in Horst’s face… Suave: “SILENT BUT DEADLY! SILENT BUT DEADLY! HOLY CRAP…THAT STINKS!” Suave grumbles about gas masks and a better diet for N-Bomb.
The remaining four head back into the ring. H-Bomb and N-Bomb circle Jack and Bull Schmitt. Daisy walks by Johnny Suave and points to her Paul McCartney t-shirt. All four lock up in the middle of the ring. Then a commotion breaks out ringside. A blond woman accosts Daisy Cutter-Bomb. Suave: “What the hell? THAT’S HEATHER MILLS! HOLY CRAP! WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE?” Mills bitches about not getting enough money from McCartney in their divorce settlement, McCartney’s attorney, the judge in the case, and then chastises Daisy for wearing a t-shirt with his face on it. Mills: “How dare you wear that shirt in my presence?” She pokes her finger on Daisy’s chest and tells her she should pay her for wearing that shirt out in public. Daisy shakes her head and walks away.
Enraged, Mills grabs a pitcher of water off Suave’s table and dumps it over Daisy’s head. Suave: “Ooooh. Bad move. And can someone get me some more water?” Dripping wet, Daisy grabs the pitcher and throws it down. The pitcher bounces several times. Daisy picks up Mills and sets her on the edge of Suave’s broadcast table. Then she starts pulling on Mills’s leg as McCartney’s ex-wife tries to scratch her eyes out. Suave: “What is she doing?” Daisy pulls hard on the leg while Mills flails away. Suave: “Oh. I know.” Suave leans over and tells Daisy: “other leg.” Daisy: “Oh.” Daisy yanks off Mills prosthetic leg and clocks her in the head with it. Crowd: “BCEW! BCEW!”
In the ring, Newt Tron Bomb stands tall as Jack and Horst Schmitt have been overcome by his noxious fumes. Unfortunately, he didn’t give his brother H-Bomb any advance warning either so he’s unconscious in the ring. N-Bomb sticks his foot on Jack Schmitt and gets the win.
WINNER: THE BOMB BROTHERS
EXPLODING SHEEP PRODUCTIONS PRESENT:
Independent film maker A. Kuluha Bacardi comes out to screen his first mini-movie feature. The lights go down and the film appears on a big screen.
Fade from black. There’s a table covered in frilly doilies and stuff with a pink phone on top.
Narrator: It’s 3 AM and your children and wife are safe and asleep- back in Albany, New York. It’s been a long day and you decide you need to sneak down to Washington D.C. for a little R&R. Sure, there’s other things going on in New York state that need your attention. But you’re a man and a man has…needs. So, it’s 3 AM. Your wife and children are safe and asleep. Who do you want to answer the phone?
Female voice: Hello. This is Kristen.
Male voice: Kristen. This is Governor- er…I mean, this is #9.
Hillary Clinton comes out to complain. Hillary: “You’re mocking my ad that clearly shows why I am the most tested, experienced, and ready-” Texas Tex comes out, pushing a wheelbarrow overflowing in cash, followed closely by the hulking Big Oil. Tex throws down the challenge to Triple R. Tex: “Last week, you got the better of us. But this week, there’s no one else except you and Big Oil. Come out and let’s dance!” Triple R, predictably, runs right out.
MATCH #3 BIG OIL w/Texas Tex (American Patriots) vs. TRIPLE R (Road Rage Randy) w/Hillary Clinton (Progressive Alliance)
Suave: “It’s the battle of the two biggest A-holes in BCEW!” Right by Triple R. Right by Big Oil. Back and forth they go. Big Oil tries to get off his power moves but Triple R is agile enough to steer clear. Quick chain wrestling sequence actually gets the BCEW Hall crowd’s appreciation. Now they circle. Triple R charges but Big Oil throws him into the corner turnbuckle. Power slam by Big Oil. Scoop slam. Triple R kicks Big Oil in the balls. Suave: “LOW BLOW! LOW BLOW!” Half the crowd cheers; half the crowd boos. Hillary slides a steel-folding chair in. Triple R skateboards it across Big Oil’s face. Chairshot by Triple R. Chairshot to the knee. Suave: “He’s trying to soften up the big guy for the figure four.” One more chairshot to the knee and Triple R goes for the figure four. Big boot to Triple R’s back sends him flying across the ring. Big Oil limps over and gets his leg swept. Triple R cinches on the figure four.
Texas Tex climbs up on the ring edge and takes off his golden money belt. Out of nowhere, a man flies in and grabs the money belt from Tex. He climbs in the ring and powders Triple R with the money belt. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! THAT’S THE REVEREND JEREMIAH WRIGHT! HE’S AN OBAMA SUPPORTER!” Triple R releases the hold and slumps to the canvas. Hillary screams at Rev. Wright. Barack Obama runs down to the ring and tries to get Rev. Wright out of the ring. Rev. Wright whips Triple R with the money belt again. Hillary goes ballistic. Obama tries again to get him out of the ring. Clinton surrogate Geraldine Ferraro then runs in and grabs the money belt away. Big Oil pulls himself back up. Ferraro doesn’t see Triple R stumble up behind her. She swings the money belt at Big Oil, he ducks, and she whiffs. The belt then boomerangs around and catches Triple R flush in the jaw. He’s back down. Big Oil lifts Triple R and hits his Oklahoma City Driller. Good night. Triple R gets the pin.
WINNER: BIG OIL
Ferraro looks stunned. Hillary can’t believe what just happened. And the American Screamer Howard Dean watches from the back. He shakes his head.
Filed under: 2008 Election, 2008 Presidential Election, Barack Obama, Blogs- Pro Wrestling, democrats, Hillary Clinton, John McCain, political satire, Politics, Pro Wrestling, republicans | Tagged: Al Gore, Billy Crystal, Christopher Dodd, Election 2008, Eliot Spitzer, Heather Mills, Howard Dean, John Edwards, Ron Paul | Leave a comment »