(Courtesy of High Octane Wrestling)
Announcer guy: “And now it’s time to return to the Shelly Scott program.”
Shelly Scott, a bubbleheaded beach blonde, shuffles her notes.
Shelly Scott: “And welcome back to the Shelly Scott program. I am Shelly Scott and next, we have a wrestler who’s about to debut on High Octane Wrestling here in Chicago. Please welcome to the Shelly Scott program- Dr. Annabel ‘The Cannibal’ Lecktor and her handler FBI Special Agent Charlize Starling!”
Polite applause. Starling leads Dr. Lecktor, wearing a mask and hands and arms tied up in a straitjacket, to the chairs. Starling helps Dr. Lecktor down.
Shelly Scott: “Dr. Lecktor! Welcome to the Shelly Scott program.”
Dr. Lecktor slowly turns and stares at the host.
Starling: “It’s okay, Shelly. Dr. Lecktor can be very non-verbal at times.”
Shelly Scott: “I see. This should make for a fascinating interview.
Dr. Lecktor: “Oh, now you’re just being rude. I don’t like rude people.”
Shelly Scott: “I’m…I’m sorry, Dr. Lecktor.
Dr. Lecktor: “You know what you look like to me, with your good bag and your cheap shoes? You look like a rube. A well scrubbed, hustling rube with a little taste. Good nutrition’s given you some length of bone, but you’re not more than one generation from poor white trash, are you, Shelly Scott? And that accent you’ve tried so desperately to shed: pure West Virginia. And by the way, what is up with saying Shelly Scott every five seconds. I know I’m on the Shelly Scott show. The people watching know they’re watching the Shelly Scott show. I know you’re Shelly Scott. They know you’re Shelly Scott. STOP SAYING SHELLY SCOTT EVERY FIVE SECONDS!”
Scott’s face is frozen in a frightened stare with her eyes wide open.
Charlize: “It’s okay. She gets like that this time of the month.”
Shelly Scott: “O…okay…um…we’ll be back with Dr. Lecktor on the…um…this show…in a second.”
Tech. Director: “And we’re clear.”
Dr. Lecktor: “Good. Whew! Charlize can you pull this mask up?”
Charlize pulls the mask up like a hockey goalie would.
Dr. Lecktor: “Thanks. Hey, can someone get me a drink? I am parched. Wow…this straitjacket is really making me sweat.” She turns to a still stunned Shelly Scott. “Hey, thanks for having me on the show. It means a lot for a housewife like me to end up on a big time show like yours.”
Shelly Scott: “Y-you’re…a housewife?”
Dr. Lecktor: “In real life, yes. I originally just did this wrestling gig as a way to make some extra money. I actually worked at Political Championship Wrestling in the office and one night…”
Tech. Director: “Twenty seconds.”
Dr. Lecktor: “…they asked me if I wanted to play Dr. Lecktor at one of the shows. Apparently, I had the right size and build they were looking for. So I took the gig and made some extra cash on the side.”
Shelly Scott: “So…so now you’re doing this full time?”
Dr. Lecktor: “Yeah. My husband lost his job and so someone has to bring home the ol’ bacon. He’s on unemployment and such but that doesn’t remotely make up for the loss of income. So, I had some contacts in the industry with me working at PCW and…”
Tech. Director: “Ten seconds.”
Dr. Lecktor: “…I called in a couple favors and wall-lah. Here I am.”
Tech. Director: “Five…four…three…two…one.” He points at Shelly.
Shelly Scott: “Hello and welcome back to the Shelly Scott show. I’m Shelly Scott and with me is-”
Dr. Lecktor: “You’re doing it again.”
Shelly Scott: “Ah…doing what?”
Dr. Lecktor: “Saying you’re name every five seconds. It’s annoying.”
Shelly Scott: “Um…o-kay. Dr. Lecktor, we were talking off air about how you got into wrestling and you told me this great story about-”
Dr. Lecktor: “After your father’s murder, you were orphaned. You were ten years old. You went to live with cousins in a small village along a small waterway by the Tashkowaski Dam, built in 1931 as part of Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s WPA inititiative to provide jobs to those who were thrown out of work during the Great Depression.”
Shelly Scott: “Yes, Dr. Lecktor, that’s correct. Now, if we can get back to-”
Dr. Lecktor: “Your cousins lived in a ramshackle cabin made of cheap wood and you could hear everything. You could hear the water running. You could hear your cousin snoring. You could even hear your aunt and uncle doing their reenactment of William T. Sherman’s march through Georgia at two o’clock in the morning.”
Shelly Scott: “Yes…yes…that’s true. But-”
Dr. Lecktor: “Then one day, a knock developed in two of the dam’s water driven turbines and the loud noise from the engines allowed you to sleep in peace at night without having to hear the water running, your cousin snoring, or your aunt screaming out ‘ravage me,’ ‘pillage me’ at the top of her lungs at two o’clock in the morning.”
Shelly Scott: “Y-yes. I was finally able to get a good night’s sleep.” (she whispers out of the side of her mouth) “Your mask is up.”
Charlize quickly reaches across and puts the mask back down.
Dr. Lecktor: “Sorry. Now, where was I? Oh yes. But then, dear Shelly, engineers repaired the knocking sound coming from the turbines by putting in a new efficient, state of the art turbine engine that made no sound at all. It was quite a tramautic experience for you, wasn’t it?”
Shelly Scott: “Y-yes…it was.”
Dr. Lecktor: “And what was it, Shelly. What was it that made your life a living hell for years as you lived with the sound of water running, you cousin snoring, and your aunt crying out “I’m burning, I’m burning,” and your uncle replying “I’ve tried to put on more lubrication dear but it’s not working!”
Shelly appears to be on the verge of tears.
Shelly Scott: “It was…the silence. The…silence of the dams.”
Tech. Director: “Okay, we’re in commercial.”
Dr. Lecktor: “So anyways, with my husband out of work, he stays home with my three children: Allie, Jenna, and Sam. He’s not very good at grocery shopping yet even though I try to put together a list of things to buy. He’s good at making pizza and burgers but the kids shouldn’t eat that every day, right Charlize?”
Tech. Director: “Ten seconds!”
Shelly Scott: “Oh, no…”
Dr. Lecktor: “I do call my kids every night I’m in Chicago. Thankfully, I can drive home on weekends to see my husband so this hasn’t put too much of a strain on our marriage…”
Tech. Director: “Five…four…three…two…one.”
Shelly Scott: “Okay. We’re back. I’m Shelly Scott. This is Shelly Scott show.”
Dr. Lecktor: “Hello Clarice.”
Shelly Scott: “My name is Shelly.”
Dr. Lecktor: “I know because you keep saying it EVERY FIVE SECONDS!” She starts to sniff as if she smells something. “Are you…wearing perfume?”
Shelly Scott: “Yes.”
Dr. Lecktor: “May I?” She takes Shelly’s arm and sniffs it up and down. “Hmmm, your arm would go nicely with some fava beans and a nice chianti. I do wish we could chat longer, but…it’s time to have a new friend for dinner.”
Dr. Lecktor leaps on top of Scott who lets out a high-pitched, blood-curdling scream. Charlize tries to pull her off.
Charlize: “DOC-TOR LECKTOR! DOC-TOR LECKTOR! NO! YOU PROMISED! DOC-TOR LECKTOR!
The show cuts away quickly to commercial…
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