Loose Cannons Unleashed 1- March 2005

 PCW REVIEW: LOOSE CANNONS UNLEASHED 1- MARCH 2005

-The American Screamer Howard Dean tries to impress the Clintons
-Match #1: Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, and Ann Coulter (American Patriots) vs. Al Franken, Michael Moore, and Janean Garofalo (Progressive Alliance’s Hollywood Left wing)
-Green World Order Promo
-FCC’s Michael Powell Segment
-Match #2: “No Frills” Chris Escondido (Independent) vs. Little Paulie of the American Bikers w/Big Paulie (Independent)
-Match #3: Annoying Cell Phone Guy (Jobber) vs. Snott Flemmstein (Jobber)
-Match #4: Charlene Ann Cantrell vs. Rex Randall, Private Investigator
-Match #5: The Dixie Chucks (Progressive Alliance) vs. “The Raving Rednecks” Locke and Loade (American Patriots)
-Martha Stewart promo
-Special Appearance by Spongebob Squarepants
-Match #6: BCEW Women’s Champion Candiloosa Ricearoni (American Patriots) vs. Barbara Boxer (Progressive Alliance)
-George W’s “State of BCEW” address.
-Match #7: Green World Order vs. The Bomb Brothers with Daisy Cutter Bomb (American Patriots)
-Match #8
: “The Absolute Whole Freakin’ Show” Ron-Claude Van Dammit with Dawn McGill vs. The Massachusetts Blueblood JFK

 

Hey y’all. Gina Ramsey here.  With Loose Cannons Unleashed 5 just two days away, PCW will replay all four previous Loose Cannons Unleashed tonight and tomorrow.  Loose Cannons Unleashed 1 was the first ever PCW…or as it was called back in March of 2005, BCEW event.

Enjoy.

******

“The American Screamer” Howard Dean sticks his head inside the office of Bill and Hillary Clinton. Dean tries to curry favor with the Clintons as he vies for the leadership of the Progressive Alliance. “If I’m in charge,” Dean brags, “I’ll cut through the American Patriots like hot knife through butter! I’ll take on George W. and all of his right-wing cronies.” Dean then ticks off a number of names including “The Texas Hammer” Tom DeLay, Candiloosa Ricearoni, the Bomb Brothers, “Mr. Old School” Don Rumsfeld, “The Mastermind” Karl Rove, and The God Squad of whom he’ll take on. Dean, getting more and more excited as he talks, tells the Clintons, “We’ll fight them in Westville! In Eagle Rock! Fulton! Shady Lake! Southriver! Danville! ALL THE WAY TO ULTIMATE VICTORY!” Dean adds his trademark yell, “YEEEEEE-AAAHHHH!………….what?………right, sir…I’ll tone it down a bit.” Dean backs out of the office. “Make a difference, huh?” he says with a determined scowl on his face, “Oh yeah. I can make a BIG difference. YEEEEEE-AAAHHHHHH!” “HOWARD!” yells an annoyed Bill Clinton from his office. “Right…forgot…sorry…,” Dean apologizes profusely.

The capacity crowd inside Hack’s chants ‘BCEW…BCEW!’ as Johnny Suave stands in the middle of the ring next to his co-host- a life size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. He introduces the ring announcer Charlene Ann Cantrell and she introduces the first match of the night.

Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, and Ann Coulter of the American Patriots vs. Al Franken, Michael Moore, and Janean Garofalo of the Progressive Alliance’s Hollywood Left wing.
“This is a six man tag team grudge match!” she says, “In this corner, representing the American Pa-” Garofalo interrupts her and reminds her that there are two women competing in the match. “I’m not a man,” she states and then points over to Ann Coulter, “and I’m sure the right-wing fascist toothpick over there isn’t a man …and she isn’t much of a woman either.” The match is about to begin when Ann Coulter, the woman who hates the Progressive Alliance so much that she could write book after book after book about how much she hates the Progressive Alliance……and she does, takes the mic from Charlene Ann Cantrell. “What’s the best way to talk to a liberal,” she asks. After a few seconds of awkward silence roll by she answers her own question. “As little as possible.” Coulter laughs heartily at her joke until Garofalo attacks her and starts a catfight. Both women roll around the ring before they tumble out on onto the floor and then scuffle all the way back to the locker room.

Then “The Spinbuster” Bill O’Reilly from the “no spinning zone” takes the mic and rips into the Progressive Alliance for “spouting the same old negative spin.” He begins to analyze the issue in a “fair and balanced” way when he is interrupted by Al Franken- host of “Al Franken presents the “Al Franken Factor Max Factor Factor starring Al Franken.” Franken tells O’Reilly that his “crack” staff consisting of left-wing college professors researched a comment O’Reilly made earlier in the night that he would be out in ‘just a minute’ and determined that because it took more than a minute for O’Reilly to appear that it was indisputable proof that O’Reilly and the American Patriots were nothing more than pathological lying, lying liars. Then the “Innovator of Excellence in Wrestling” Rush Limbaugh, El Rushbo, the Great One, all knowing, all seeing, the MahaRushbie, with talent on loan from Rob, gets into the action. “I’ve been meaning to ask you,” Franken says, “just who the hell is Rob?” “That’s not important,” Limbaugh replies. After trumpeting his research and superior show preparation, Limbaugh claims that Franken has made inaccurate statements about him. “You said, and I quote here, that I was nothing more than a ‘big, fat, obese idiot,” Limbaugh says pointing to his svelte, lean figure, “Well Mr. Franken, for your information everyone can plainly see that I am neither big, fat, or obese. Once again, you are wrong and I am right.” Then Michael Moore gets into the act. He claims that he has indisputable proof that Limbaugh is big, fat, and obese. He then rolls a film clip he calls “Refrigerate 9:11” which consists of a poorly spliced together piece that is awkwardly edited to portray Limbaugh as a hundred times larger than he really is.

Over the loudspeaker, the opening riffs to AC/DC’s “Highway to Hell” blares. Johnny Suave, joined by “The Texas Hammer” Tom DeLay of the American Patriots and Justin Sufferable from the Progressive Alliance, shouts out, “Is that who I think it is?” The crowd cheers as a man with a steel-folding chair runs to the ring. “IT’S DeWAYNE CANTRELL!” Suave yells. DeLay and Sufferable are less than thrilled. “What’s HE doing here,” grouses Sufferable. “Shouldn’t he be out hawking books?” sneers the Texas Hammer, “Isn’t he the so-called star of Loose Cannons of Buckland County? Cantrell climbs inside the ring and walks right up to Bill O’Reilly. *CLANG* Cantrell takes out O’Reilly with the steel-folding chair. *CLANG* Down goes Rush Limbaugh. Justin Sufferable loves every moment of it while DeLay throws a fit. “What the hell is he doing?” he complains. “Why is he only picking on the American Patriots?” Then Cantrell bumps into Al Franken. Franken smiles at Cantrell. Cantrell smiles right back. Awkward pause. Then… *CLANG* “HEY! WHAT’D HE DO THAT FOR?” a surprised Sufferable shouts. Franken staggers across the ring and barrels into Michael Moore. “THAT’S MORE LIKE IT!” crows DeLay. Moore and his large frame then get stuck in the ropes and he can’t get out. Cantrell slowly walks over to him. “Oh no…no…don’t do it.” Sufferable pleads while DeLay encourages Cantrell on. Cantrell winds up. *CLANG* Moore’s torso tips down causing his legs to come up and crotch Al Franken. Franken staggers back across the ring and conks head with Bill O’Reilly. The crowd shouts, “DTC…DTC…” as Moore’s body returns to its original position on the ropes and then they tell Cantrell to do it again. “That’s enough,” Justin Sufferable says, “He can’t move!” Cantrell winds up again and *CLANG*. Moore slides forward through the ropes and lands outside on the concrete floor. “DAMN YOU CANTRELL!” Justin Sufferable shouts. “UNBELIVABLE!” Suave observes from his ringside broadcast position, “DeWayne Cantrell comes in and totally cleans house!” “Oh shut up,” retorts Sufferable.

Green World Order Promo
With a cheap banner for Green World Order hanging behind her, Peta from PETA along with her companion, Doug the Dog, rips into dog owners who chain their pets to a “so-called dog house or worse- chain them to a pole in the back yard.” She makes it clear that PETA will not stand for this “cruel and inhumane” treatment and that dogs aren’t “some piece of disposable clothing” or “toys you throw away when you get tired of them.” “Dogs are people too,” argues Peta, “how would YOU like it if someone chained you up to a small dingy house with only a bowl of water to drink. How would you like it if someone chained you to a pole…well, unless you’re into that kind of thing.” Peta states that a dog’s life is just as important as her life and your life. Doug the dog barks in agreement.

Then she complains about the food that “you savages” feed dogs with, referring to it as “meat-based slop.” Peta recommends several wholesome and vegan alternatives instead. She guarantees that “once the GWO takes over” that all of these “abuses” will stop. “Dogs, cats, and all living things will live harmoniously together. Right Doug?” Again, Doug the dog barks in agreement. Then he takes off.

Peta then comments that her dog is her friend and doesn’t need a leash. “He is free to go wherever he wants to because he is a living, breathing, intelligent creature just like you and-” Suddenly, the sound of screeching tires is heard following by a *THUMP*, then a dog yelping, another *THUMP*, *THUMP*, a dog whimpering, then *THUMP, *THUMP*, *THUMP.* Peta stands there in shock before another *THUMP* is heard. Then she lets out a hideously shrill scream and runs off shouting “MURDERER! STOP THAT CAR!”

Michael Powell segment
With a long, long line of people patiently waiting, Buckland County Sheriff Gina “Gigi” Ramsey is shown signing copies of the book “Loose Cannons of Buckland County” as well as her pictorials, calendars, trading cards, and other assorted items from her souvenir stand. Then Johnny Suave introduces Michael Powell of the FCC. Powell immediately clarifies that he did not get the job at the FCC because of his famous father. “Yeah right,” retorts Suave who enjoys a beverage with the life-size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain next to him. Powell explains that George W. brought him to BCEW to clean up several problems. First Powell notes that there are some people in BCEW who use inappropriate and profane language. Powell pauses as the audience boos. Then Powell states that there were those who display lewd, crude, and deviant behavior. The crowd again expresses its displeasure. Powell goes on to note that there are wrestlers and managers who wear skimpy outfits to the ring. Powell declares, “I have come here to BCEW to lay down the law! It’s time to clean up the moral cesspool that BCEW has become!” The audience stands up in unison and boos. First, Powell states that anyone using inappropriate language on this show will be fined. More boos. Powell then says that anyone who acts inappropriately lewd, crude, or vulgar will also be fined. The audience begins to throw things into the ring. Powell continues: “And if you come out here wearing something too skimpy, too revealing, or otherwise inappropriate-” Someone from the audience yells out “%#@# you!” A furious Powell whips out a little pad and pencil and searches for the offender. The crowd continues to hurl expletives at the embattled Powell who threatens to fine “each and every person in the building.” “I’LL FINE YOU…AND YOU……AND ESPECIALLY YOU!” he shouts over the crowd who by then are chanting “@##$ you Mike-kell, @##@ you! “YOU CAN’T SAY THAT!” Powell bellows and furiously writes down names in his little notepad.

Over the loudspeaker, Christian, religious-type action music plays as the Pious Pair, Reverend James Dobson and his flunky Jerry Falwell aka The God Squad, hit the ring. Immediately Rev. Dobson tells the audience to shut up so he and Falwell can speak. The crowd won’t let him as the “@##$ you” boom throughout the building. Finally, Rev Dobson shouts, “FOR THE LAST TIME YOU GODLESS HEATHENS, SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN!” The boos and chants continue to cascade across the bar. Dobson gives up and yells into the mic, “WE JUST CAME OUT HERE TO SAY THAT THE GOD SQUAD SUPPORTS MICHAEL POWELL AND HIS NOBLE CRUSADE TO RID BCEW OF ALL DECADENCE ONE HUNDRED PERCENT!” Dobson also adds that the “hammer of God” is going to come down on all those who do not clean up their act. As they exit the ring, Dobson points at Johnny Suave and demands that he take down that “cheap piece of cardboard”- referring to the cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. Suave jumps in front of the cut-out and thankfully the next match gets underway.

“No Frills” Chris Escondido vs. Little Paulie of the American Bikers with his father Big Paulie in his corner.
Both men battle back and forth with no one gaining any appreciable advantage. Late in the match, Little Paulie appears to be ready to put Escondido away when inexplicably he gets into an argument with his father Big Paulie. Big Paulie gripes that Little Paulie is taking too much time to put his opponent away. “It’s the same old *bleep*,” Big Paulie grumbles, “If I want something *bleep*-ing done right I’ve got to do it myself!” Big Paulie gets into the ring and argues with Little Paulie in the corner. While the American Bikers are distracted, “The American Screamer” Howard Dean sneaks into the ring and blasts Little Paulie over the head with a crowbar. Little Paulie gets knocked into Big Paulie, Escondido immediately covers Little Paulie for the win.

Backstage, Tim Roemer watches with interest with his manager Nancy “the Attack Poodle” Pelosi. Pelosi advises Roemer that he’d better act fast if he wanted to be the new leader of the Progressive Alliance. Roemer notes that Dean thinks that he can impress the Clintons by being an impact kind of guy. “You know,” Roemer says, “I also can be an impact kind of guy!” “Meaning?” asks Pelosi. Roemer scratches his head. “Meaning…that…I can be an…impact kind of guy too?. What? Did I not say that right or something?”

Johnny Suave introduces a visitor to the broadcast set- Joe “Mr. Smut” Gardner. Gardner goes through his shtick, calling himself the “Quasi-quintessential Smut-muffin” and immediately becomes infatuated with the cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. “Well, well, well,” he says before Suave interrupts him. Gardner responds, “Hey, I’m in character here.” After Suave apologizes, Gardner then reads a special Valentine’s Day poem he wrote: “Roses are red. Violets are blue. Both of which always remind me of you.” “Not too bad,” Suave admits. “Your eyes and your smile. They brighten my day. Like a warm summer breeze that takes me away.” “Hey, that was pretty good too.” Suave says. “Like when the sheets in our bed were moist and wetting. After thirty minutes of heavy-” “All right, that’s enough!” Suave immediately stops him. “Aw come on!” Gardner protests but Suave tells him, “Yeah right. I knew it was too good to be true.”

Annoying Cell Phone Guy vs. Snott Flemmstein
The match is delayed several minutes as Annoying Cell Phone Guy is- talking on his cell phone. Finally, Flemmstein tires of waiting and unleashes a volley of phlegm balls hocked up from his unusually phlegm-filled throat knocking the cell phone out Phone Guy’s hand. Then, Flemmstein covers his opponent in a stream of nasal excretion from his unusually large nostrils and coats Annoying Cell Phone Guy in a cocoon of snot. Phone Guy submits in less than a minute. “That has to be one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever seen, “comments Suave and then adds, “and I’ve seen a lot of disgusting things.” Gardner clears his throat. A huge ball of phlegm drips off Gardner’s chin onto his shirt. “He didn’t get Shania did he?” Suave asks. “No,” Gardner replies as he wipes the phlegm off his shirt.

Backstage, Nancy Pelosi is totally beside herself as Tim Roemer returns. “What are you waiting for?” she implores Roemer. Roemer tells her it wasn’t the right time. “Wasn’t the right time?” Pelosi says, “What do you mean it wasn’t the right time? Tim, we don’t have that much time to-” Pelosi stops and stares as Annoying Cell Phone Guy slowly walks by. He is totally encased in snot, sloshes with every step he takes, and leaves a green and brown trail behind. Phone Guy shakes his cell phone trying to get it to work. “Can you hear me?” he says and then shakes the phone causing more green globs to fly out from inside of it. “Can you hear me now?” Pelosi quickly changes her mind and concurs with Roemer’s decision.

Cooter Farnsworth vs. Rick Spackel
The next match features two men who are huge NASCAR fans. Rick is a big Jeff Gordon fan and comes into the ring waving a huge Jeff Gordon flag. Cooter and many NASCAR firebrands hate Jeff Gordon- with a passion. Therein lies the conflict. The match begins and Cooter immediately rips the flag out of Spackel’s hands. Then he proceeds to repeatedly whap Spackel over the head with the flagpole. Then Cooter wraps the flag around Spackel’s neck and starts to choke him with it. “He is literally choking the life out of Rick Spackel!” Suave observes, “Jeez, I knew these NASCAR types take this seriously but…wow.” Cooter then rolls Spackel over and lifts up the Jeff Gordon flag. “Holy crap!” Suave exclaims, “I think we’re about to have a Deliverance moment! I think he’s going to stick that Jeff Gordon flagpole up Spackel’s-” Suddenly, Tim Roemer races down the aisle and leaps into the ring. He powerbombs Cooter. Then he jumps up onto the ring post and does a 450 flip splashing right on top of Farnsworth. Spackel gets up off the mat, turns Cooter over and tries to stick the Jeff Gordon flagpole up his behind. Roemer stops him and directs him to cover Cooter for the pin. Spackel covers. 1-2-3- match over. “There you have it,” Suave says, “a great come from *behind* victory…yeah, I know…that was bad…a good win for Jeff Gordon fan Rick Spackel.”

Inside “the American Screamer” Howard Dean’s dressing room, Dean watches with a barmaid as Roemer’s interference helps Spackel win the match. “Hmmm, I guess this means Tim Roemer means business! I guess it’s time to make it clear that I mean business too! YEEEEEE-AAAAHHHH!” “OW! My ear!” the barmaid responds. “Sorry…my bad,” Dean profusely apologizes.

Back in the ring, Charlene Ann Cantrell gets ready to introduce Charles Robinson-Richards, Blue State Esq. However, before she can do so, a commotion erupts ringside. A man dressed in a fedora and a trench coat next to some doofus wearing a “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt yells something at Charlene Ann. “REX RANDALL-PRIVATE EYE?” Suave calls out, “what is he doing here?” Suddenly, Charlene Ann reaches over the rope and literally drags Randall by his tie over the top rope into the ring leading to an impromptu match…

Charlene Ann Cantrell vs. Rex Randall, Private Investigator
In the rematch of their memorable scene from the book Loose Cannons of Buckland County, Randall once again clumsily propositions Charlene Ann with a lame pick up line about her being a chocolate sundae and him licking the chocolate syrup off of her. She plants a heeled shoe in his balls and then drills him with a stiff right hand sending Randall reeling to the canvas with no idea what just hit him. Cantrell covers. 1-2-3. Afterwards, Randall tries to shake the cobwebs out while his friend E. Ed Edwards stands over him and says “I told you Mr. Randall, but noooooo, you didn’t have to listen to me didn’t you? Noooo, you had to use that stupid pick up line again about chocolate syrup. That line hasn’t worked the other one hundred thirty-two times-…OOOOF!” Randall crotches Ed with a kick to the nether regions and Ed falls to the canvas.

After the hoopla dies down and both Randall and his sidekick Ed are scraped out of the ring, Charles Robinson-Richards, Blue State Esq. has the microphone. While sipping a cappuccino, he starts off by stating that he detests being in a “red state” where the people are “inbred, ignorant, redneck hicks” and clearly inferior to us enlightened people who live in the blue states. He then goes on to say that it’s a shame that it takes “you people” multiple jobs, working 45-55 hours a week, just to make as much in a year as he makes in one week. The crowd reacts by booing him and flipping him off. Robinson-Richards then says, “Even with that, you still can’t stop buying your cheap beer, your cigarettes, your meth, because you people file bankruptcy more than we do in the blue states.” He goes on to compare the high cultural lifestyle that the blue states have (Shopping at Sachs Fifth Avenue, operas, fine dining, champagne and caviar) vs. the red states (Wal-Mart, Blue Collar Comedy Tour, Hooters, PBR). The crowd really gets riled up when he says that the best thing the federal government could do is to declare what he considers to be flyover country (ie…everything between the west and east coast) a complete disaster area and turn it into a giant national park. Robinson-Richards further inflames the crowd by referring to two Americas: ‘Enlightenedland’- those who voted for John Kerry, ‘Jesusland’- those who voted for George W. Bush. At that point, DeWayne Cantrell appears again out of nowhere and gets a standing ovation after he blasts Robinson-Richards over the head with a steel folding chair. “I guess no one saw that one coming a mile away,” observes Suave.

Next, Suave interviews the Dixie Chucks. The Dixie Chucks are three men who each dress like a member of the Dixie Chicks. There’s Chuck-atalie, Chuck-mily, and Chuck-artie. Suave tells them that it’s been a “long time gone” since they’d last saw the Dixie Chucks and that he had a feeling that they came from “wide open spaces” to be there not because they’re “ready to run,” not because they wanted a “cowboy take me away” kind of thing. “You’re out here because there’s something bothering you,” concludes Suave, “am I right?” Chuck-atalie, not impressed with Suave’s wit, tells him to save it and claims that it is “an injustice what has been done to the Dixie Chicks.” “Oh, ‘there’s your trouble’” cracks Suave. Chuck-mily chimes in, “Free speech means free speech. What has happened to these lovely women is totally against the American way!” He also adds that people may not like what they have to say, “but you don’t have to.” Suave commends them on their noble sentiments. “I presume you’re referring to the recent comments made by Earl Locke of the tag team Locke and Loade about the Dixie Chicks and you would all like to say…oh, I don’t know…perhaps, ‘Goodbye Earl?’” This offends Chuck-artie who tell Suave he doesn’t appreciate his “smart-ass comments” and if he doesn’t stop he’ll take away the cardboard cut-out of “that no-talent singer who doesn’t belong on the same stage, who isn’t remotely in the same league as the Dixie Chicks.” Suave backs away and protects his cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. Chuck-artie points at the audience, “I’m putting you and everyone here in BCEW on notice. Anyone, I repeat, anyone who says anything bad about the Dixie Chicks from now on will answer to us.” Chuck-atalie adds: “That’s right. You say something bad about the Dixie Chicks. The Dixie Chucks are gonna KICK YOUR ASS!”

Suddenly, the opening riffs to Toby Keith’s “How Do You Like Me Now?” blare over the sound system and out comes Earl Locke and Gary Loade aka ‘The Raving Rednecks’ Locke and Loade. Locke comes out carrying a huge picture of Toby Keith and waves it in Chuck-atalie’s face. “WHO’S YOUR DADDY?” he screams, “HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?” “The BIG DOGS are here!” Loade says, “It’s time to Locke and Loade baby, Locke and Loade!” Suave then asks them to respond to the Dixie Chucks. Loade first compliments Suave on the cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. Then he tells the Dixie Chucks: “You come out talking all this tough talk about kicking people’s asses if they insult the Dixie Chicks. Hell the way y’all are dressed, I don’t think you’re in any position to kick anyone’s ass! If anything, we’ll put a boot in your ass cause that’s the Locke and Loade way!” The Dixie Chucks talk trash in return. Locke then speaks up. “Now hold on a sec Gary. I really don’t have that much of a problem with the way these guys are dressed.” “Oh?” a surprised Loade says. “Hell, the way I see it,” Locke continues, “in those outfits these guys look a hell of a lot better than the Dixie Chicks-” Immediately, the Dixie Chuck’s attack Locke and Loade and another impromptu match begins.

The Dixie Chucks vs. “The Raving Rednecks” Locke and Loade.
This is an all out free-for-all. No structure to the match. Basically five people beating the living hell out of each other. Chuck-atalie gets unceremoniously dumped out of the ring and then Chuck-mily is knocked woozy by some double team work by Locke and Loade. Chuck-artie is set up for Locke and Loade’s patented finisher- “The Redneck 4-D Death Blast.” Locke and Loade executes the maneuver to perfection and Chuck-artie is out. Loade covers and then… YEEEEE-AAHHHHH! “The American Screamer” Howard Dean runs in and distracts the referee. While Loade argues with Dean and the referee, Chuck-mily ties up with Locke and keeps him busy. Chuck-atalie sneaks back in the ring with the Toby Keith picture and blasts an unsuspecting Loade with it. Loade is out. Chuck-atalie covers and gets the pin.

Backstage, Nancy Pelosi stews as she watches Dean interfere in the match. “OOOH, that Howard Dean!” she whines, “Tim, are you going to let him one up you like that?” Roemer tells Pelosi that the leadership of the Progressive Alliance is important and prestigious and that Dean was obviously serious about showing the Clantons that “he can be the man.” Roemer adds, “I need to be able to show everyone that I can be ‘the man’ as well.” Again, Pelosi responds, “Meaning?” “Meaning…that…I can be…the man too?” replies Roemer, “Look. Am I not making myself clear here?”

Martha Stewart Returns
Domestic Diva Martha Stewart gets released from the Buckland County Jail. She comes out of the jail looking in excellent shape and wearing a ridiculous looking shawl. She proceeds to complain about being cooped up for five long months. Stewart states that “they tried to break me” and tried to keep busy by doing a couple of side projects to keep her mind active in a “neat and tidy” fashion.

After recognizing that there was only so much she could do with bedsheets and toilet papers (the doilies kept falling apart), a bored Stewart states she found a new outlet to keep busy. She rolls up her sleeves and shows off her impressively muscular arm. “Look at these guns,” Martha proclaims, “I’m ripped baby. I already had the brains but now I’ve got the brawn to back it up!” She then issues an open challenge to the BCEW women’s champion- Candiloosa Ricearoni. “You’ve got what I want,” Stewart declares, “that belt belongs to me and I will do anything, I repeat, ANYTHING to get it back.” Stewart then whips around and slides down the back of her shirt to reveal a Max Cady-like tattoo of a cRush on her back with the inscription “Hell hath no fury as a pissed off domestic diva” written around it. “And if you thought I was a cold calculating bitch before,” Martha hisses, “guess what? I’m about to take it to a whole…new…level.”

At that point a Buckland County Deputy slaps an electronic monitoring device on Stewart’s ankle. “The only whole new level you’ll be seeing in the next five months is the upstairs of your house. You’re under house arrest toots. That’s the condition of your parole.”

Enraged, Stewart lets off a few colorfully tinged adjectives and expletives as the Deputy drags her off to her waiting car to take the Domestic Diva home.

Special Appearance by Spongebob Squarepants
Back at the ring, Johnny Suave introduces lovable children’s cartoon character Spongebob Squarepants (or more accurately- some schlep dressed up in a Spongebob Squarepants costume). As everyone sings the Spongebob theme song, admit it-you all know it-(sing to the tune of the Spongebob theme song): Whoooo, lives in the ocean so far down below/SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS/His neighbor’s a squid and he simply blows/SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS/His boss is a weenie and Sandy kicks ass/SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS/His best friend’s a shellfish who likes to pass gas/SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS..- the God Squad’s Reverend James Dobson comes in and blasts Spongebob from behind. “WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING?” a shocked Suave says. The Rev. Dobson takes a brief moment from pummeling the helpless cartoon character and warns him to knock it off. “JESUS CHRIST!” Suave exclaims, “WHY IS HE BEATING UP ON A FREAKIN’ CHILDREN’S CARTOON CHARACTER!” Dobson looks Suave in the eye and tells him to out of the ring now. Suave yells back, “***DAMMIT! THIS ISN’T RIGHT!” “SUAVE!” “Leaving now.” Suave quickly exits stage right.

Rev. Dobson then gets on the microphone and asks, “Does anyone here know Spongebob?” After the crowd begins to boo he continues, “you may think this…this so-called character is harmless. But he’s not. Spongebob is another insidious plot hatched by people who want to promote alternative lifestyles by manipulating and brainwashing our children!” “I think the Reverend needs to get his medication checked,” shoots back Suave back at his broadcast position. Spongebob stirs briefly before a quick boot to the head by Dobson puts him back down. “THAT’S UNCALLED FOR!” screams Suave. Dobson begins to taunt Spongebob. “Come on! Get up!” He slaps him in the face. “Come on! Where’s your little friend? You know, the one you hold hands with?” Suave looks sick. “Someone please stop this.” The crowd stirs and a sound effect of someone farting comes over the loudspeakers. Suddenly, Patrick the Flatulating Shellfish (or more accurately-someone dressed up in a costume) appears. “That’s right!” Dobson sneers, “get in the ring! Come save your friend!” The Shellfish hesitates before climbing up the ropes. Then he takes the head of his costume off. “IT’S TIM ROEMER!” Suave exclaims. Dobson’s jaw drops as Roemer tosses the head aside and gets into the ring. A stunned Dobson takes a few retreating steps before tripping over the prone Spongebob and falls backwards onto the canvas. Roemer then backs up to Dobson and puts his rear to his face. “OH NO!” Suave says, “HE’S NOT GOING TO-” The farting sound effect plays again. “HOLY CRAP!”

Backstage, “The American Screamer” Howard Dean is seething again after being upstaged again by Tim Roemer. He shakes his finger at the monitor and says, “THIS ISN’T OVER YET!” Then he lets out his trademark scream “YEEEEEEE-AAAAAAHHHH!” and skulks off.

We return to ringside where Johnny Suave appears to be in deep conversation with the Shania Twain cardboard cut-out. Suave turns beet red when he realizes he’s on camera. Suave quickly brings out the BCEW women’s champion Candiloosa Ricearoni to discuss comments about her made by the Progressive Alliance’s Barbara Boxer including accusing the women’s champion of lying, distorting the facts, and most egregiously, being a lousy dresser.

Ricearoni comes out dressed all in black with a black skirt that hits just above the knee and a black coat with seven gold buttons in the front that resembled something that Keanu Reeves would wear in the movie “The Matrix. Looking very serious, she addresses Boxer, “Barbara Boxer, you can challenge my credibility,” she says walking to one end of the ring. “You can even attack my honesty,” she says pacing to the other side of the ring. “I’ll even let you question my intregrity.” She stops in the middle of the ring and points at the crowd. “But when you attacked my keen sense of fashion- you went too far. You cRushed the line and now you’re going to pay!” The crowd cheers as she calls out Boxer, “So get your *** down here because Candiloosa 3:16, 17, and 18 says that I’m going to stick these four inch heels so far up your ****** *** that you won’t be able to **** ****** for two weeks!” “WOW,” a very surprised Suave says, “she’s stone…cold…serious.” Boxer immediately flies into the ring and launches herself at Ricearoni and its on.

BCEW Women’s Champion Candiloosa Ricearoni vs. Barbara Boxer
Both women roll around the ring trying to gain an advantage. Then “The Texas Hammer” Tom DeLay and his flunky Dennis “The Doughboy” Hastert show up. They get into the ring and surround Boxer as another man shows up ringside- pointing his finger at his temple to signify his superior intellect. “The Mastermind Karl Rove?” Suave says, “It’s a trap. This was all a set up!” Boxer has nowhere to go when help arrives. Both Howard Dean and Tim Roemer run out to help their Progressive Alliance colleague and literally meet each other in the middle of the ring. At that point, DeLay, Hastert, and Ricearoni bail out of the ring leaving the two men who both desperately want to lead the Progressive Alliance nose to nose. The Mastermind Karl Rove smiles as he walks backwards towards the dressing room- still pointing to his temple to show everyone what a freakin’ genius he is.

Dean pushes Roemer. Roemer pushes Dean. It looks like they are about to have at it when the entire roster of the Progressive Alliance led by Bill Clinton swarm the ring and break the two men up.

In George W.’s office, both W. and his aide de camp Dick are amused at the whole thing. Dick hands W. his speech for the State of BCEW address he is about to give. “Thanks,” an appreciative W. says to Dick, “I sure don’t know what I’d do without you.” “That’s okay,” Dick returns, “I know in a Star Wars sense that I’m your Lobot and you’re my Lando Calrissian.” W. looks totally confused. “Lando who?” “Ah, nevermind.” Dick says, ‘just go out and give your speech.”

George W’s “State of BCEW” address.
A ragtag, out of tune mariachi band plays a hideously off-key version of “Hail to the Chief” as George W. slowly walks down the aisle. W. cringes every time the band hits a particularly sour note. The entire roster gathers around the ring. The Progressive Alliance hang out on the left side of the ring (of course) and look on in stony silence. The American Patriots stand to the right and they are ecstatically happy. Everyone else co-mingles in the middle, half heartedly clapping.

W. climbs into the ring and walks to the podium. “Ladies and gentlemen, I can proudly say without any reservation that the state of BCEW is strong!” W. declares. “For a small, disparate group several notches below the Professional Wrestling Association, we’ve had a pretty good year. But now we are poised to do even better.” A projection screen comes down behind W. “BCEW is well-positioned with a great and worthy men’s champion to be our flagship and signature wrestler- Rafael Barry Giambee! It’s hard to believe that two years ago, he looked like this.” The ‘before’ photo of Giambee appears on the screen. He is 6’-2” and weighs a scant 175. “Now look at him,” continues W. The ‘after’ photo then appears. Giambee is now 6’-3” and over 350 pounds. The crowd chants “ROIDS! ROIDS! ROIDS!” which enrages the man monster. Giambee growls menacingly back to the audience. “Easy pardner,” W. says and then tries to calm the crowd down, “Rafael Barry Giambee should be an inspiration to us all. The way he has worked his way up the ladder and to be the-” “Point of order,” a snobbish, northeastern voice calls out. It’s the Massachusetts Blueblood- JFK!” observes Suave. “Point of order Mr. CEO,” JFK continues, “if what you say is true then I must submit to you that the true measure of a great champion is taking on the best of the best and besting them…or something to that effect.” “What’s your point?” an annoyed W. asks. “When was the last time Mr. Giambee defended the BCEW title?” JFK asks. A few seconds of silence goes by and then many people in the audience begin to ask the same thing. “How about Justin Sufferable?” JFK says, “he deserves a shot. What about Chris Escondido? Doesn’t he deserve his chance too?” The crowd begins to side with the Massachusetts Blueblood making W. very uncomfortable. “Well, why not tonight?” JFK continues, “what do you all think?” The crowd roars with delight. “Well Mr. CEO,” JFK says, “are you going to give the people what they want?” W. bites his lower lip nervously. “Bring your boys out here in ten minutes,” he says and then walks out of the ring.

Chris Escondido, Justin Sufferable, and JFK exchange high fives in the ring.

Back in W’s office after the speech, W. stomps in very upset at the intrusion of his State of BCEW address. Dick and the Mastermind Karl Rove confer and then address the problem. “Mr. CEO, not to worry,” Dick says reassuringly, “we’ve got everything under control.” Dick then whispers into W’s ear. W’s frown quickly turns into a big smile. “That’s very good,” W says and begins to laugh in his offbeat Texan way while Karl Rove again points his finger at his temple to remind us that he’s a friggin’ genius.

Green World Order vs. The Bomb Brothers with Daisy Cutter Bomb
In the ring, the Green World Order (the Vengeful Vegan Brock Cole Lee and the Peaceniks) observes the passing of the 2nd anniversary of the Iraqi war by having a moment of silence. During the moment of silence, Peacenik #1 rants about the “lives lost in this unjust and illegal war” and demands that the United States “bring the troops home now.” The sound of an explosion blares over the loudspeakers and the very well-endowed and scantily dressed Daisy Cutter-Bomb leads the Bomb Brothers (A. Tom Bomb, Newt Tron-Bomb, and Hy Drogen-Bomb) down the aisle to the ring. A. Tom holds up a placard with a picture of President Bush holding up a can of whup-ass with the caption “Y’all don’t mind if I open up a can of this?” The GWO becomes irate at the placard and Peacenik #2 screeches at them, “How dare you interrupt our solemn moment of silence.” “Let’s just say that we’ve come out here to peacefully and non-violently kick your ass!” retorts Newt. “THAT’S IT!” a voice booms. It’s Michael Powell of the FCC and he looks angry. “Jeez, what the hell does he want now,” Suave says. Powell marches to the ring and proceeds to read everyone the riot act. Powell objects to the language, Daisy Cutter-Bomb’s outfit, and whips out his little pad and pencil to begin to write people up. “NOT SO ******* FAST!” another voice calls out. Powell looks up and is stunned to see his arch-enemy- the Sultan of Shock himself- Howard Stearns. They begin to jaw back and forth. Powell tries to uphold “dignity” and “values.” Everything that Stearns says in return is bleeped and censored. Finally Stearns says something that gets Powell’s attention. “What do you mean ‘you’re getting Sirius?” Powell asks. Suddenly the SRB appears next to Stearns. “IT’S THE SKANKY RICH BIMBOS!” Suave cries out, “PARIS HILTON AND NICOLE RICHIE HAVE JOINED FORCES WITH THE SULTAN OF SHOCK!” The crowd begins to chant, “she’s a crack whore…she’s a crack whore…” Paris responds. “You all are just jealous. Because *we* sizzle. You……ah……you…” Stearns whispers something in her ear. “…right…you *fizzle*.” Hilton and Richie get into the ring to confront Powell. Suddenly, Richie goes for her signature move and pulls her top off. “WARDROBE MALFUNCTION!” Suave yells, “WARDROBE MALFUNCTION!” While Powell is stunned, Hilton leaps on him and knocks him down into the corner of the ring. Then she puts her crotch in Powell’s face and does a “bronco buster” type wrestling move on him. “COOTCHIE CUTTER!” screams Suave in a high-pitched voice, “COOTCHIE CUTTER!” Then Suave throws up. “Oooh man. That has got to be the most vile, digusting move I have ever seen!” He then adds, “And I’ve seen a lot of them.” Powell is out in the ring. Meanwhile, the GWO and the Bomb Brothers go at it on the outside. Then the pious pair, the God Squad- Rev. Dobson and Jerry Falwell- hits the ring and attacks the SRB. Richie is knocked out and falls face first onto the canvas. The crowd boos. Rev. Dobson then bends Paris over his knee while Falwell gets ready to spank her. The crowd cheers. A lot. A tall guy with long hair bursts in and clobbers Falwell. The crowd boos again. “IT’S UNIVERSITY OF COLORADO PROFESSOR WARD CHURCHILL!” Suave exclaims. Churchill sends Rev. Dobson flying over the top rope and then takes the mic. “YOU SUCK,” he shouts at the God Squad, “AND YOU SUCK,” he shouts at the Bomb brothers, “AND YOU ALL SUCK,” he shouts and points at the crowd. “You know why 9/11 occurred? Because AMERICA SUCKS, that’s wh-” Out of nowhere, DeWayne Cantrell blasts Churchill from behind and knocks him forward into the arms of a six foot tall demolition machine in a short skirt. “THAT’S DAWN McGILL!” Suave says excitedly, “BUT SHE’S WITH THE PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING ASSOCIATION! WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING HERE?” McGill drills Churchill in the balls where her six inch spiked heels. Then Cantrell delivers the coup de gras with a steel-folding chair shot across Church-Hill’s back. “Geez what is this,” Suave rhetorically asks as Churchill goes flying out of the ring, “Loose Cannons of Buckland County reunion night?”

Finally, the Massachusetts Blueblood JFK comes out with Justin Sufferable and Chris Escondido and meets George W. in the ring. “No Rafael Barry Giambee,” Johnny Suave observes, “I wonder what’s going on.” So does JFK. “Where’s the champion?” he demands to know. “Hold on a sec,” W responds, “yes, I promised there would be a title defense tonight. And there will be.” W. pauses to let the crowd cheer. “But since I’m a compassionatery kinda guy, I thought we’d do something different. Like…I don’t know…give YOU the title shot tonight!” Everyone stands up and cheers as JFK is taken aback. “WOW! I didn’t expect THAT!” says Suave, “Justin Sufferable and Chris Escondido are pissed!” The duo stalks angrily back and forth across the ring. W. continues: “And if you going to go for the gusto, why waste your one and only opportunity to be world champion on an insignificant BCEW title belt.” “Huh?” a confused Suave says, “what does he mean?” W. gets his trademark smirk on. “JFK. I think you can do better than that. In the spirit of my “no wrestler left behind” program, I’m giving you’re the chance of a lifetime. You’re going to wrestle for the PWA world championship!” A heavy metal riff suddenly blares over the sound system and the place explodes. “HOLY CRAP!” shouts Johnny Suave, “THAT CAN’T BE WHO I THINK IT IS?” JFK looks confused as the enthused crowd starts to sing to the theme music, “WORK! SWEAT! PERSPIRE! WORK-SWEAT-PERSPIRE!” “HE’S NOT REALLY HERE- IS HE?” Suave asks. The crowd goes nuts when two figures appear at the entrance. Suave gushes, “HOLY CRAP! HE’S HERE! HE’S HERE! IT’S RON CLAUDE VAN DAMMIT. RCVD IS HERE!” “WORK! SWEAT! PERSPIRE! WORK-SWEAT-PERSPIRE!” chants the crowd as the six foot tall demolition machine in a short skirt Dawn McGill leads RCVD to the ring. JFK looks stunned when he gets his first good look at Van Dammit. RCVD is cut, chiseled, and a complete physical specimen- a total wrestling machine. Justin Sufferable and Chris Escondido quickly bail out of the ring and run right over to Johnny Suave’s broadcast position. JFK is left all alone. “HE CAN’T WRESTLE HIM!” Sufferable complains as RCVD jumps into the ring. “HE’S A REAL FAKE WRESTLER!” “RCVD is the hardest working guy in pro wrestling,” Suave gushes, “He is the ABSOLUTE FREAKIN’ SHOW!” Van Dammit warms up by doing leg splits and various martial art leaping kicks. JFK mouths “Oh…my…God” as the bell rings.

“The Absolute Whole Freakin’ Show” Ron-Claude Van Dammit with Dawn McGill vs. The Massachusetts Blueblood JFK
RCVD defeats the Massachusetts Blueblood in fourteen seconds.

JFK lies in pain on the floor and mumbles incoherently, “Aye…aye…aye…” “THIS IS NOT RIGHT!” whines Chris Escondido, “IT’S A TRAVESTY! A COMPLETE TRAVESTY!” A disgusted Justin Sufferable huffs: “YEAH! MARK MY WORDS! SOMEONE IS GOING TO PAY FOR THIS! ”

PCW Rewind From Year One: Loose Cannons Unleashed 2 from March, 2006

The final PPV from the first season of PCW- back when it was BCEW (Buckland County Extreme Wrestling). From March 2006: BCEW- Loose Cannons Unleashed 2. Also, notable is the first appearance of The Original Rookie Sensation Starz N. Stripes and the PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin.
***
BCEW announcer Johnny Suave and his lifesize cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain are inside the ring.

Suave: “Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon. This is LOOSE CANNONS UNLEASHED TWO!

Suave pauses as the crowd reacts in its usual enthusiastic manner.

Suave: I am Johnny Suave, the voice of BCEW. Next to me is a lifesize cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. Big doings going on tonight. Our main event will be a no disqualification, falls count anywhere in the building, extreme grudge match to determine once and for all who the new #1 contender to the BCEW men’s title will be. The Progressive Alliance hopes it’s Justin Sufferable.

The crowd chants: Justin A**hole! (clap, clap clap-clap-clap)

Suave: A very popular person here in BCEW. His opponent from the American Patriots- A. Tom Bomb. The Drunken Luchador’s Don and Dave- The Flyin’ Martini Brothers put the BCEW men’s tag team titles on the line tonight against the Dixie Chucks. Candiloosa Ricearoni will defend her BCEW women’s title against a very dangerous opponent- Dr. Annabel Lecktor aka Annabel the Cannibal. We’ve got a whole lot more to get to but-

Man’s voice: Hold on! Hold on a second!

Suave: What the hell? It’s CBS College Basketball personalities Jim Nantz and Billy Packer? What are they doing here?The crowd picks up on their presence and a “THEY SCREWED HOFSTRA” chant erupts. This annoys the hell out of Billy “The ACC is God” Packer.

Packer: Just shut up. Shut up with that weak mid-major nonsense. Hofstra didn’t deserve to be in the tournament. They don’t play in an elite league like the ACC.

Crowd: BOOOOOOO!!!!!

Nantz: It’s true! I don’t know where the NCAA selection committee came up with their wacky voodoo RPI. Missouri State? 21? Hofstra? 30? There’s something wrong when deserving teams from the power conferences get screwed out of a tournament berth by some lowly mid-major team who doesn’t belong on the same court with them.

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Suave: Well, they’re certainly endearing themselves to the crowd.

Packer: (holds up sheet of paper) See! Right here it shows that the tournament record for the ACC and other power conferences is far better than the mid-majors!

Suave: (sarcastically) Yeah Billy! The power conferences also get the benefit of better seeding and the fact that they won’t go on the road and play a mid-major team at their home floor. That’s really fair!

Packer: Oh yeah? This paper proves that to give the Missouri Valley four teams in the league is a joke because they’re not close to OOFFF!

Packer gets tackled by ten college students.

Suave: HOLY CRAP! They’re wearing Missouri State sweatshirts. They’re from Missouri State! And they got screwed over by the NCAA committee.

The students swarm over Packer. He desperately tries to cover up.

Suave: Look at them! They’re just wailing on Billy Packer!

Nantz looks appalled. The crowd loves it.

Nantz: Say here! You can’t do that to Billy Packer! He’s a legend! He’s a-OOFF!

Another group of college students, this time wearing Hofstra sweatshirts, run in.

Suave: IT”S THE HOFSTRA STUDENTS!

Nantz: The what? (sees the mob coming for him) Oh sh—WHHAAAA…

Nantz gets steamrolled by the students.

Suave: I bet Nantz doesn’t get THAT type of treatment when he does the Masters.

Nantz: HELP!

Suave: WE’VE GOT AN IMPROMPTU MATCH! RING THE FREAKIN’ BELL!

——————————————–

MATCH #1- MISSOURI STATE AND HOFSTRA STUDENTS VS. CBS COLLEGE BASKETBALL PERSONALITIES JIM NANTZ AND BILLY PACKER
Much to Nantz’s and Packer’s chagrin, the bell rings. The students proceed to deliver a BCEW style beat down on the CBS personalities. “THEY’RE JUST WAILING ON THEM!” Suave observes. Then a can of spray paint appears in the ring. “What’s that?” Suave says, “That’s a can of spray paint! They’re not…they’re not…” The students spray paint three letters on Packer’s back. “WHAT ARE THEY SPRAY PAINTING?” Suave asks, “M…V…C? MVC! THE MISSOURI STATE STUDENTS SPRAY PAINTED ‘MVC’ ON BILLY PACKER’S BACK! THE MISSOURI VALLEY CONFERENCE!”

The students turn to Jim Nantz. Nantz begs them not to do it. Fat chance. He’s rolled over and three more letters are spray painted on his back. “C…A…A,” Suave says, “HOLY CRAP! THEY SPRAY PAINTED CAA FOR THE COLONIAL ATHLETIC ASSOCIATON ON JIM NANTZ! More chants of ‘BCEW! BCEW!’ come from the crowd. Three figures race down to the ring. “Here comes help!” Suave says, “it’s ESPN analyst Jay Bilas, ESPN analyst Digger Phelps, and Maryland head basketball coach Gary Williams to the rescue.” No. Not really. Enraged at the snide remarks Williams made about the Missouri Valley Conference, the Missouri State students immediately turn their ire to him. “Oh that’s not pretty,” Suave says as the students swarm all over Williams like killer bees on the attack. Williams joins Nantz and Packer on the deck and the spray paint can reappears again. “Oh no,” Suave says, “oh no. They’re not going to do it to Williams too?” Sure they are. “HOLY CRAP! THEY SPRAY PAINTED WICHITA STATE ON GARY WILLIAMS!” Bilas and Phelps fare no better. The Hofstra students spray paint ‘George Mason’ on Phelps back and ‘Bradley’ on Jay Bilas’.

RESULT: No Contest.

——————————————

Suave: Wow! What an incredible start to tonight’s event. It’s BCEW- Loose Cannons Unleashed II!!! Tonight, once and for all, we will find out who is the new number one contender for the BCEW World Title. Will it be Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance? Will it be A-Bomb, A. Tom Bomb from the American Patriots? That’s our main event. Also tonight a huge grudge match between the Domestic Diva Martha Stewart and her former friend now turned arch-enemy ‘Billionaire’ Don Trump. The BCEW Tag Team title on the line tonight. The Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don- The Flyin’ Martini Brothers take on the Green World Order.

——————————————

JUSTIN INSUFFERABLE PROMO
Inside the dressing room for the Progressive Alliance, Justin Sufferable, flanked by a grinning Pith Lord Harry Reid and the Attack Poodlette Nancy Pelosi, cuts a promo.

Justin: Here we are. BCEW. Loose Cannons Unleashed II. The night that I, Justin Sufferable, will take one step closer to becoming the BCEW World Champion. With the support of the Progressive Alliance by my side, A. Tom Bomb doesn’t stand a chance. I’m just not unbearable. I’m just not intolerable. I’m not even abominable. I’m JUSTIN SUFFERABLE and tonight I’m-

A door opens and closes very loudly in the background.

Justin: What the-

Russ Feingold enters the scene.

Feingold: I…(huffing and puffing out of breath …I have a great idea!

Reid: That’s great Russ but we’re cutting a promo here-

Feingold: I’m fed up with George W’s getting away with lying about the whole Rafael Barry Giambee steroids mess. I propose we all march out to the ring right now and demand that George W be censured by BCEW. Who’s with me?
Reid: Well…(hems and haws)

Pelosi: In general I’m with you, Russ but perhaps we should focus our energy on making sure that Justin Sufferable wins his match tonight.

Feingold: (all happy and exuberant) No no. Let’s go right now!

Feingold bounces out of the room.

Reid: Well…I suppose we should go out there with him.

————————————–

Johnny Suave: Well. Here he comes. The Wisconsin Wonder Russ Feingold is coming to the ring with the rest of the Progressive Alliance.

The crowd immediately notices Justin Sufferable coming to the ring with the rest.

Crowd: (chanting) JUSTIN A-HOLE! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap) JUSTIN A-HOLE! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)

Feingold: If I can have your attention for a moment. The recent events involving the former BCEW World Champion Rafael Barry Giambee were a shameful stain on wrestling. The fact that George W. and his cronies covered up Giambee’s steroid use and broke the law. I think that George W. should be censured by BCEW. (turns to Progressive Alliance comrades) Right guys?The American Screamer Howard Dean looks the other way and whistles. The Pith Lord Harry Reid looks up in the air. Nancy Pelosi feigns talking to Justin Sufferable.

Feingold: (a little more stronger tone) Right guys?

Bill Frist-Medicine Guy’s voice: This is totally crazy.

Bill Frist- Medicine Guy appears.

Frist: This is nothing more than a crazy political move! .

Feingold: And you guys are playing the intimidation game.

Frist: Russ, everyone knows you have your sights on becoming the next BCEW CEO in 2008. You’re grandstanding.

Feingold: I am not.

Frist: You have no proof that George W. was aware that Giambee used steroids.

Feingold: He didn’t know Giambee was on steroids? Hell, everybody here KNEW he was on steroids. Anybody with the IQ of a brick knew he was on steroids, right?

Frist: (scoffing) Right.

Feingold: Let’s ask the crowd then. (faces the audience) Hey! Rafael Barry Giambee-

Crowd: (very loudly) ROIDS! ROIDS! ROIDS!

Feingold: See? What’d I tell you. This is why I believe George W. should be-

A. Tom Bomb comes out and shoves Frist out of the way.

Suave: Now A. Tom Bomb is out here. This could get incendiary real quick.

Crowd: AAYYY-BOMB! AAYYY-BOMB!

A-Bomb: Enough talk. I don’t like to talk, Justin Sufferable. But I do know that I’d like to put you through a table.

The crowd cheers as Sufferable and A-Bomb stare each other down.

A-Bomb: So let’s get it on and I’ll kick your ass

Suave: They’re supposed to wrestle later but they may go at it right now!
Sufferable and A-Bomb continue their stare down. A commotion breaks out away from the ring.

Suave: Now what?

At one of the tables, a female pizza delivery girl is nose to nose with a customer wearing a fraternity jacket with the letters A.S.S. on it.

Suave: There’s some sort of problem over there involving a pizza delivery…HOLY CRAP! He just pushed her to the ground and took the pizzas away from her!

The girl pulls herself up and kicks the man in the crotch.

Suave: Yow!

A referee mysteriously appears and calls for the bell. The bewildered contingent from the Progressive Alliance empty out of the ring while a bemused A. Tom Bomb also takes a few steps back to the dressing room.

Suave: WHAT! We’ve got another impromptu match?

—————————————

MATCH #2- BCEW EXTREME PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL TESSA MARTIN VS. SKIP FROM THE ALPHA SIGMA SIGMA FRATERNITY
The match begins out on the main floor of Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon. “Apparently, these two have had quite a long history with each other,” Suave observes. Skip manages to pull himself up to a staggering position long enough to allow Tessa to plaster him in the face with a pizza pie. Skip falls back down. Tessa then grabs Skip’s face and rubs it in the pizza. Skip manages to push Tessa down. He grabs a chair and raises it up in a threatening way. “OH NO!” Suave says, “He’s not…” *high-pitched male scream* “HOLY CRAP! TESTICULAR CLAW! TESTICULAR CLAW!” Skip turns pale as Tessa applies the testicular claw (won’t go in graphic detail here-you can figure it out) and his eyes look like they’re about to pop out. “Man, I think he’s going to pass out,” Suave says as Skip’s eyes roll back. He proceeds to faint face first into a steaming hot meat combo special pizza.

WINNER- PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL TESSA MARTIN

————————————-

Suave: All right, they’re carrying Skip from Alpha Sigma Sigma out on a stretcher. I don’t think he’ll be reproducing anytime soon.

The crowd starts to boo.

Suave: Who’s that coming out? AWWWW…not the Hollywood Megastar Tom freakin’ Cruise! What the hell does he want?

Cruise climbs into the ring and he has a microphone.

The crowd starts to chant: “FREE KA-TIE! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap) FREE KA-TIE! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)

Tom Cruise: Thank you…thank you for your concern about my fiancée. She can’t be here tonight because she’s about to give birth-

Crowd: (even louder) FREE KA-TIE! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap) FREE KA-TIE! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)

Tom Cruise: SHUT UP! I just came out here to make clear that I absolutely nothing, I repeat, NOTHING to do with the Simontology episode of that vile, little hateful show South Park being taken off Comedy Central Net last week.

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Tom Cruise: Comedy Central Net made that decision on their own. So I don’t want to hear any more about Simontology-

The crowd starts to buzz.

Suave: IT’S THE GUYS FROM SOUTH PARK! STONE AND PARKER! THEY’RE HERE!

A shocked Tom Cruise watches with his mouth wide open. Stone and Parker jump into the ring.

Suave: STONE AND PARKER HAVE A HUGE ISSUE WITH TOM CRUISE AND SIMONTOLOGY!

Tom Cruise: Brad. BRAD! GET YOUR @#$@#$# ASS UP HERE RIGHT NOW!

Suave: Brad? Brad Grey. The CEO of Paramount Pictures who also own Comedy Central Net?

A sheepish Brad Grey climbs into the ring.

Tom Cruise: Brad. Listen dammit, you need to do something about these two clowns…

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOO!

Tom Cruise: …I want them taken care of. You tell them both to get their asses of the ring and leave. I WANT THEM BACK IN THE DRESSING ROOM NOW!…..or else.

Brad: Or else what?Tom Cruise: I think you know the answer to that already Brad.

Suave: HOLY CRAP! It’s a Tom Cruise power play!

Brad: Tom?

Tom Cruise: DON’T YOU TOM ME! GET THEM THE @#$# OUT OF HERE NOW!

Brad Grey slowly turns to Stone and Parker.

Brad: Guys. I……I want you-

Tom Cruise: Wait a second…

Brad pauses.

Brad: What, Tom?

Tom Cruise: Brad, I didn’t say…Simon says.

Suave: Oh, this is ridiculous!

Tom Cruise: All right. Brad, Simon says get them out of my sight right now.

Brad: (sighs, turns to Stone and Parker) Guys. I want you to leave Tom Cruise alone.

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOO!

Stone and Parker can’t believe it.

Brad: You…you heard me. Go. Now!

Stone and Parker look at each other, shrug, and act as if they’re leaving the ring.

Suave: You’re kidding! They’re backing down? South Park is backing down?

Tom Cruise smirks and shoos Stone and Parker away.

A woman slowly walks up behind Cruise outside the ring.

Suave: WAIT A MINUTE! THAT’S BROOKE SHIELDS!

Shields quietly climbs up on the edge of the ring.

Suave: SHE’S SNEAKING UP BEHIND THE HOLLYWOOD MEGASTAR! HE DOESN’T SEE HER. HOLY CRAP!

The South Park guys Stone and Parker see Shields and stop.

Tom Cruise: What are you guys, deaf? Simon says get out of the ring.

The crowd rises in anticipation as Shields takes off one of her pumps. Cruise is still unaware that she’s behind him.

Tom Cruise: …SIMON SAYS GET YOUR @#$#@$# ASS OUT OF THE RING…NOW!

The crowd noise crescendos. Cruise looks a bit wary.

Tom Cruise: (not sure what is going on) What?

*WHAP*
Suave: HOLY CRAP! She just clocked him with her pump!

Cruise topples forward face first.

Crowd: (mockingly) SI-MON SAYS! (Clap, clap, clap-clap-clap) SI-MON SAYS! (Clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)

Suave: Here comes Stone and Parker!

Stone and Parker push Grey out of the way and lift Cruise up.

Suave: Oh no…no…they’re not going to-

Stone and Parker heave Cruise out of the ring.

Suave: HOLY CRAP!

Cruise lands on and is impaled by a piece of wood. It then catches fire incinerating Cruise and then he is torn limb from limb by a bunch of wild animals.

Suave: Oooo-kay. Didn’t expect that ending. Didn’t necessarily need to see that either. Well, as is tradition here in BCEW, all of the wrestlers come out to the ring to listen to the CEO of BCEW deliver the ‘State of BCEW’ address. This year is no exception as the locker room has surrounded the ring and…(hears music being played badly) yep I know he’s coming out now because I hear that God-awful off key mariachi band playing ‘Hail to the Chief.’

Indeed, the off key mariachi band leads a wincing George W along with his family; wife Lauren, daughters Jennie and Babs, to the ring along with W’s aide de camp Dick and The Mastermind Karl Rove. The crowd boos.

Suave: Well, can’t say the booing is unexpected. W’s poll numbers have plummeted since the whole Rafael Barry Giambee steroids fiasco.

The American Patriots give W and company a standing ovation as his procession reaches the ring. Once he climbs through the ropes, W takes the microphone.

———————–

George W’s State of BCEW Address
W first says that he appreciates the fact that there’s some people who are very unhappy over the whole former BCEW World Champion Rafael Barry Giambee steroids fiasco. “If given a do over, I’d of handled that in a more proactively active way.”- BCEW CEO George W. W explains he can’t change the past but he can learn from the ‘mistakenly unwise thingys’ done in the past. He announces that he has hired a new chief of staff- Josh, which comes as a bit of a surprise to both Dick and The Mastermind. The First order of change is that W will become more active in the match to match aspects of BCEW. W also observes that in some wrestling federations, the owner’s family also becomes involved in the action as well. W announces that his daughters Jennie and Babs will become active participants participating actively in BCEW. This is also a big surprise to Dick and The Mastermind. The leadership of the American Patriots Dr. Bill Frist- Medicine Guy and Denny “The Big Guy” Hastert also seemed confused at this new direction that W is embarking on.

W announces that the #1 contender match between Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance and A. Tom Bomb of the American Patriots will be a no DQ, falls count anywhere in the building, to determine once and for all the new #1 contender for the BCEW World Championship. With that, W exits.

———————-

Suave: Hmmm, the speech a bit lackluster. And now even the American Patriots are grumbling about the direction George W is taking. This could get interesting.

The crowd stands up as “The Domestic Diva” Martha Stewart enters the ring.

Suave: We’re ready for our next match and it’s going to be a doozy…

Match #3- “The Domestic Diva” Martha Stewart vs. “Billionaire Don” Trump
“This is a big time grudge match.” – Johnny Suave. The war of words between the two would cumulate tonight at Loose Cannons Unleashed II. Trump was led to the ring by his two lackeys George and Carolyn who immediately get into Stewart’s face. With the Domestic Diva occupied by his lackeys, Trump snuck in the ring and took a cheap shot on her. Then the bell rang. Billionaire Don immediately went to work on Stewart mixing in punches and kicks and such. Stewart was pushed back into a turnbuckle and George reached over mugged her with a choke in the corner. Trump got on the microphone and yelled instructions for George to let her go. Stewart tried to fight back but ran right into a flying elbow. Pissed off, Stewart slapped Trump across the face and then kicked the Billionaire in the crotch. Trump danced around for a bit and the Domestic Diva hit a leaping back elbow on Trump. She covered for a two count. Both traded chops with Trump eventually getting the upper hand. Billionaire Don drilled Stewart with a facebuster and tossed her to the outside. George and Carolyn toss Stewart face First into the ringpost. Then they toss her back into the ring. Trump sets her up for his finishing maneuver- “You’re Fired.” Just as he is about to slam Stewart down, she desperately reaches for and pulls off Trump’s hairpiece. “HOLY CRAP!”- Johnny Suave. Trump, horrified, pats at his shiny bald head- no hairpiece. Stewart starts twirling the toupee- which looks like an emaciated muskrat, around like an exotic dancer and gets attacked from behind by both George and Carolyn. The hairpiece flies out of Stewart’s hand. George and Carolyn do a number on the Domestic Diva as Trump feverishly crawls over and tries to put the hairpiece back in place. He partly succeeds and partly looks like the lead singer of A Flock of Seagulls. Trump then covers a spent Stewart and gets the 1-2-3.

Winner: “Billionaire Don” Trump

——————–

Johnny Suave: Blatant interference by Trump’s lackeys George and Carolyn insures Billionaire Don’s victory. I have a sneaky feeling we haven’t heard the last of this one…

A young French man is standing right in front of Johnny smoking a cigarette and not doing much of anything.

Suave: …er excuse me.

Young French: Qui?

Suave: Do you mind? I’m trying to work here.

Young French: Yes. So am I.

Suave: Oh really? Who are you?

Young French: I’m Henri. One of ze new employees.

Suave: I see. Perhaps instead of standing here blocking my sight lines to the ring, you should, oh I don’t know, go do your job?

Young French: WHAT!

Suave: Go do whatever you’re supposed to do. Do something.

Young French: Mondieur! What do you mean because I have a job I have to work?

Suave: Excuse me? Of course you actually have to work. I’m working. I’m doing my job which is call the matches. You need to go to do your job and not stand in my way.Young French: (angrily) This is not acceptable. I’m going on strike.

Young French guy stomps off and tips over a garbage can.

Suave: O-kay. That was different. The young French guy, apparently a new employee to BCEW, got mad because I told him to go do his job. Amazing. Let’s go backstage as the BCEW World Tag Team champions, the Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don- the Flyin’ Martini Brothers are engaging in their pre-match warm up with……WHAT? HOLY CRAP!

Dan and Don are having their pre-match swig of Jack Daniels with W’s daughter’s Jennie and Babs. After finishing it off, Dan takes the empty bottle and breaks it over his head. He’s ready to go. After Jennie finishes off her Jack Daniels, she takes the empty bottle and breaks it over her head. She accidently knocks herself out.

Suave: O-kay. The tag team belts are on the line tonight!

————————–

Match #4- BCEW Tag Team Champions The Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don- The Flyin’ Martini Brothers vs. The Green World Order (Peacenik #1 and #2)
Before the match begins, Peacenik #1 takes the mic and complains that the Green World Order never gets any respect. He goes on to say that BCEW glorifies violence in resolving people’s differences. “Excuse me? This is professional wrestling thank you very much.”- Johnny Suave. Peacenik #2 gets on the mic and intimates that if BCEW doesn’t take steps to protect their ‘rights’ that the GWO will be forced to take matters into their own hands.

At this point, the tag team champs stagger out to the ring and the match begins. Immediately after the bell rings, two men dressed in suits sit down with Johnny Suave at the broadcast table. “Who the hell are you?”- Johnny Suave. The duo explains they are Felcher and Felcher- attorneys at law, legal counsel for the Green World Order and members of the Progressive Alliance. They explain that they are here to insure that the GWO gets a fair shake. R. Felcher argues that a fundamental tenet of fairness is being violated. Suave asks how? “What we have here is a clear case where people who are stronger and more skilled win matches at the expense of their clients.”- R. Felcher. “It’s a wrestling match. Someone wins. Someone loses.”- Johnny Suave. The Felchers don’t see it this way. “Clearly this is blatant discrimation against the Green World Order.”- B. Felcher. “It’s a freakin’ wrestling match!” – Johnny Suave.

Peacenik #1 jumped Don Martini and got a quick two count. They did a series of spots where Peacenik #1 kept trying moves but the Martini Brothers inadvertently staggered or fell down out of the way. Peacenik #1 finally became so infuriated that he blind rushes towards Don Martini. Don again staggers out of the way and Peacenik #1 rams hard into the turnbuckle. “See? This is simply not fair. How can the GWO win the match if the Martini Brothers won’t let them execute any move?”- R. Felcher, attorney at law. “Maybe because they’re too drunk to stand still?”- Johnny Suave. Peacenik #2 jumped on Dan Martini’s back with a sleeper. But Dan loses his balance and falls forward, launching Peacenik #2 into the other turnbuckle. “This is simply not fair!” – R. Felcher. “I’m afraid we’re going to have to get involved. Our client’s rights are being violated.” – B. Felcher. “This is totally ridiculous!” – Johnny Suave.

Felcher and Felcher attempt to interject themselves into the match. R. Felcher distracts Dan Martini while B. Felcher tries to jump Don Martini. Don again trips on his own two feet and B. Felcher misses and runs into Peacenik #1 and #2. “I guess THAT’S not fair either.” – Johnny Suave. B. Felcher gets mad and actually connects- he hits Don Martini in the stomach. Don holds his stomach and begins to wretch. “Oh, oh! This isn’t going to end well.”- Johnny Suave. All of a sudden, what appears to be the sound a car skidding and crashing is heard. This gets the attorneys attention. It’s followed by people screaming and then the wail of an ambulance siren. R. Felcher hesitates. He looks at his brother B. Felcher cornered by a wretching Don Martini. Then he hears more ambulance sirens. B. Felcher tells R. Felcher not to leave him. R. Felcher hesitates and then takes off after the ambulance leaving B. Felcher in the ring all alone. Don proceeds to projectile vomit all over B. Felcher. “YEESSS!” -Johnny Suave. Then Don passes out on top of Peacenik #1. 1-2-3. Match over.

WINNER AND STILL BCEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS- THE DRUNKEN LUCHADORS DAN AND DON- THE FLYIN’ MARTINI BROTHERS

Suave: Once again, it’s the Bleech Beer Gratuitous Vomit moment of the week.

Replay of Don Martini projectile vomiting on and coating a disgustingly oozing and dripping B. Felcher- attorney at law.

Suave: Wow! Chunky! It just doesn’t get any better than that.

——————————–

American Patriots office
Denny Hastert and Dr. Bill Frist-Medicine Guy ruminate in their office.

Denny Hastert: I don’t know about you Bill. But I’m not sure the direction George W is taking us is the right one.

Dr. Frist: I agree.

Hastert: If we don’t win the #1 contender match tonight, I think we may need to rethink our strategy. We’ve lost the World Championship-

Dr. Frist: No thanks to the ‘Straight Shooter’ John McCain.

Hastert: Exactly. Who wants to be the next CEO of BCEW- just like you do.

Dr. Frist: True. And Hillary Clinton. And any number of people.

Hastert: We’re losing focus. And we’ll lose the CEO if we’re not careful.

Door opens. Enter a new wrestler. Burly. Blond haired. All-American looking.

Starz N. Stripes: I’m the new guy. They call me Starz N. Stripes.

Both Dr. Frist and Hastert look very impressed.

Starz N. Stripes: I have my First match here in a couple moments. I just want to say I’m glad to be here.

Dr. Frist: The pleasure is all ours.

Hastert: Good luck.

Starz N. Stripes departs for his match.

Dr. Frist: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Hastert: I’m thinking that if A-Bomb can’t get the job done tonight against Justin Sufferable, we’ve found our new champion.

Dr. Frist: Exactly.

———————

Johnny Suave: Well he’s here. The new Rookie Sensation Starz N. Stripes against a jobber named Th’ Swamp Pirate.

Match #5- “The Rookie Sensation” Starz N. Stripes vs. Th’ Swamp Pirate
Th’ Swamp Pirate, dressed in the requisite pirate gear complete with parrot and jewelry, pulled out a few stops to knock off the Rookie Sensation. Th’ Swamp Pirate pulled off the jewelry and tried to choke out Starz N. Stripe. Starz finally took the offensive. He hit a fall away suplex off the ropes and then went to work on Th’ Pirate in the corner. Starz grounded Th’ Swamp Pirate with knee strikes followed by a fall away belly-to-back suplex. Starz hit his finisher, the “Rockets Red Glare” and made the cover for a win.

Johnny Suave: An impressive debut for The Rookie Sensation Starz N. Stripes. Coming up, the BCEW Women’s Championship belt on the line. And the #1 contender match between A. Tom Bomb of the American Patriots and Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance. A lot on the line coming up in just a few.

Johnny Suave: And we’re back for the final part of BCEW Loose Cannons Unleashed 2. (pauses as the crowd chants “BCEW…BCEW…” We’re celebrating the one year anniversary of BCEW. And speaking of celebrations, let’s peek in on a special celebration going on in the back area of Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon.

Cut to a hall where a wedding reception is going on.

Suave: That’s right. They’re celebrating the wedding of Will Beckworth and Charlene Ann Cantrell.

Close up of the happy couple Will and Charlene Ann who wave at the camera and then cut the cake. Charlene Ann then takes a piece of the cake and smashes it Will’s face.

The crowd stands up and gives Charlene Ann a standing ovation.

Suave: Congratulations guys. Charlene Ann, of course, is our usual ring announcer and.………what? Oh. Okay ladies and gentlemen. We’re going back to George W’s office where there’s some kind of meeting going on.

Meeting in George W’s Office
BCEW CEO George W, his aide de camp Dick, The Mastermind Karl Rove, and W’s new chief aide Josh meet. W laments his low poll numbers. Dick argues that all they need to do is stay the course and they’ll ride through it. Josh stands up and introduces a special guest he has brought in specifically to deal with this issue- “Seg” McMann. “Who the hell is Seg McMann?” barks Dick, “and what the @#$# does ‘Seg’ stand for?” “Sports Entertainment Guy,” McMann responds. “If you want to connect with your target audience, then you have to realize that ‘pro wrestling’ is really nothing more than ‘soap operas for guys.’ If you want your polls numbers to go up, then you need to reconnect with your audience.” “How?” W asks. Seg tells the group that the problem with BCEW is that there is too much ‘wrestling’ and not enough ‘sports entertainment.’ W shakes his head in agreement. Dick stews. And the Mastermind Karl Rove points at his temple to remind us all once again that even though he didn’t come up with this new exciting concept of ‘sports entertainment’ that he’s still a freakin’ genius. “So what do you suggest?” asks W. Seg starts to answer but is interrupted by a knock on the door.

It is BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin delivering food for the meeting. “Hi Tessa,” the group murmers. Dick starts to collect money to pay Tessa, Seg drools while he gawks at the Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl. “Here you go Tessa,” Dick says as he pays her and she quickly exits. “Who was that?” Seg asks. Dick explains that she’s the BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl. “She’s perfect!” Seg says, “Gentlemen, I’ll be back!”

BCEW Women’s champion Candiloosa Rice then walks by on the way to the ring for her title defense. Dick stands up. “Candy, are you sure you want to go out there tonight without a little back up?” Dick adds that he would feel better if she was accompanied to the ring. Rice waves them off and says she can handle herself.

Suave: Wow! Is Rice distancing herself from Dick and The Mastermind? And just what are they worried about?

A woman appears pushing a large dolly with someone strapped tightly to it.

Suave: Oh…never mind. Here’s the reason why. FBI Special Agent Charlize Starling is bringing the wrestler known as ‘Annabel the Cannibal’ to the ring. That’s right. Dr. Annabel Lecktor. Back in BCEW for the first time since being sent to the Kitty Dukakis wing of the ultra-maximum security Hopkins Institute for Thoroughly Insane.

Lecktor is not only strapped to the dolly but also restrained with a straight jacket and she wears a modified hockey style type mask over her face.

Suave: As Dr. Lecktor is wheeled to the ring, you may note the hockey mask on her face. The BCEW competition committee decReid that because of Dr. Lecktor’s propensity for biting off large chunks of her opponent’s flesh during a match, from now on she must wear that mask during all matches or be immediately disqualified.

The BCEW Women’s Champion is next to arrive.

Match #6 BCEW Women’s Champion Candiloosa Rice vs. Dr. Annabel “Annabel the Cannibal’ Lecktor with FBI Special Agent Charlize Starling
Dr. Lecktor immediately jumps the champion to start the match. Rice tries to pull Lecktor over her own back, but the Doctor blocks her by pulling on her hair. Lecktor counters with a drop toehold and then puts on a wristlock. After the champion escapes, Lecktor climbs up to the second rope and tries to clothesline Rice. She misses and the Women’s Champion kicks her in the gut! Enraged, Dr. Lecktor throws her over the top rope, then calls in FBI Special Agent Starling for assistance. Starling whips the champion into the ring post and then delivers a bronco buster! Suave sighs and comments, “I can never get enough of that move. That was a beautiful sight.” However, Rice tosses Starling into the steps. Lecktor sneaks up behind her with a steel-folding chair and blasts her. Then she appears to try and bite her arm. “Good thing she’s wearing that mask,” Suave observes, “who knows what would-….HOLY CRAP! Lecktor’s trying to take off the mask!” The referee tries to stop her but Lecktor swats him away. “If she gets that mask off,” Suave says, “well, I don’t want to even think about it.” Starling tries to stop Lecktor who’s partially undone the mask. Immediately the referee calls for the bell and Dr. Lecktor is DQ’d. “That’s it!” Suave says, “Candiloosa Rice retains the Women’s championship but she’s totally out right now……. AND LECKTOR HAS THE HOCKEY MASK COMPLETELY OFF!”

Dick races to the ring with The Mastermind. FBI Special Agent Starling tries to stun Lecktor with a cattle prod. No go. Lecktor shakes it off and approaches Rice. Then the crowd suddenly cheers as out of nowhere comes a star spangled BCEW superstar. “HOLY CRAP! It’s the Rookie Sensation Starz N Stripes!” shouts Suave. Starz N Stripes raises his hand to attack Lecktor but then inexplicatively stops. Dick is besides himself. “WHAT THE @#$# ARE YOU WAITING FOR?” he shouts out. “Are you sure it’s okay to hit a woman?” the Rookie Sensation asks, “I’m not sure I’m comfortable with-” “JUST HIT HER ALREADY!” Dick interrupts. Starz N Stripes then charges into the Doctor and drives her into the ring post knocking her out.

Winner and still champion by DQ: Candiloosa Rice

Suave: Wow! That was a close call. Nice save by the Rookie Sensation Starz N Stripes. Coming up tonight- the match we’ve all been waiting for. The winner becomes the new #1 contender for the BCEW World Championship crown. Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance vs. A. Tom Bomb from the American Patriots.

In the back hall, ‘Seg’ McMann talks with BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin. From a neutral third party standpoint, Seg appears to be a lecherous type of guy. Apparently with little shame, McMann excitedly tells her how he can make her a big star in BCEW and goes on a spiel to convince her to sign on. Tessa seems slightly interested but appears to be anxious to get back to delivering pizzas.

Suave: God, is this creepy or what?

“Think about it,” Seg says as she runs out the door to take care of more deliveries. More drool forms on the corner of this mouth as squealing tires signal the BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl driving away.

Suave: Is it just me or does ‘Seg’ has a major crush on Tessa Martin?

Holy music blares over the loudspeakers.

Suave: And that can mean only one thing, it’s of course, the Pious Pair. The God Squad. Rev. Robertson. Rev. Falwell. God knows why they’ve come out here tonight but I’m sure we’ll all find out soon enough….God help us all.

Rev. Robertson: I heard that.

The God Squad enters the ring and Rev. Robertson takes the microphone.

God Squad Segment
Rev. Robertson speaks about a ‘coming storm’ in BCEW. “I was on a personal prayer retreat with God,” Rev Robertson says, “and if I heard him correctly, the proverbial crap is going to hit the fan.” Rev Falwell then chimes in and complains about the introduction of ‘sports entertainment’ into BCEW. Falwell says that it’s bad enough with the bad language and the skimpy wardrobe and the extreme violence. “Now adding ‘sports entertainment’ into the mix?” Falwell says, “what’s next? Bathroom humor. Picking boogers out of your nose? Bodily fluids? How low are we going to go?” Rev Robertson warns W that there will be dire consequences if ‘sports entertainment’ is adopted in BCEW. “There’s a storm coming,” Rev. Robertson reiterates, “it may be a shower or it may be a tidal wave. If George W doesn’t-” As if on cue, a sprinkler line above Rev. Robertson starts to leak and sprays water down on him. “AAAHHHHHHHH” Rev. Robertson cries out as the water interacts with the electrically charged microphone and…well…you know what happens next.

Suave: Apparently God gave Rev. Robertson the ability to leg press 4000 lbs but not to withstand the combination of water and live electricity. The God Squad, ladies and gentlemen, and you can put them squarely on the side of those who don’t like ‘sports entertainment.’ And as much as I hate to admit it, I have to say that I agree with much of what Rev. Robertson had to say on the subject. All right, let’s get back to the-

Voice: Just hold it!

Suave looks surprised.

Suave: Who are you and what do you want?

News Hounds: You can call me News Hounds. I run a blog dedicated to countering right wing bias in our media.

Suave: Okay. What the hell are you doing out here?

News Hounds: I was watching the segment with the God Squad and you helped push their extreme right-wing agenda by agreeing with what they said. We simply can’t stand for that!

Suave: On the issue of ‘sports entertainment,’ I find myself in agreement. There’s nothing wrong with that.

News Hounds: But Rev. Robertson and the religious right are trying to force their beliefs on all of us.

Suave: You may be right. But that has nothing to do with my opinion of ‘sports entertainment.’ Let’s move on-

News Hounds: BIASED! YOU’RE BIASED!

Suave: Go blow it out your ear. Let’s go to the ring.

Inside the ring stand all three members of the Dixie Chucks. The Dixie Chucks are three men who are huge fans of the music group- The Dixie Chicks. The Dixie Chicks find themselves back in the news as they are about to release a new CD called “Taking The Long Way Home.” Their first single “Not Ready to Make Nice” addressed the issues the Chicks have faced since Natalie Maines’ controversial comments about President Bush three years ago. Each Dixie Chuck pays homage to the group by each dressing up as one member of the Dixie Chicks. There’s Chuck-atalie. Chuck-mily. Chuck-artie.

Dixie Chucks Segment
Chuck-atalie tells the booing crowd to shut the hell up. He rails at their ‘ignorance’ and tries to equate everyone booing them ie…the ‘haters’… with the nutcases who have actually sent death threats to Natalie Maines, the lead singer. “Like I’ve said before,” Chuck-atalie says, “you don’t have to like what any member of the Dixie Chicks say. They still have the God-given right to speak their mind!” More boos follow. Chuck-artie grabs the mic. “It’s a @#$#ing injustice what has happened to the Dixie Chicks!” he screeches. “Go buy their new CD! It totally rocks!” Chuck-mily chimes in: “that’s right. If you don’t like the new CD, you can all just kiss our asses!”

The Dixie Chucks leave to mass boos and catcalls.

Suave: You know, I hate to admit this too but I kind of agree with them about the way the Dixie Chicks have been treated. I mean, death threats? Come on. This IS America yes-

Voice: Hold on a second there!

Suave: Now what?

News Busters: I am News Busters. I run this blog where I take on left-wing media bias on a daily basis.

Suave: And your point is? No, wait. Let me guess. Because I agreed with what the Dixie Chucks said that constitutes some kind of liberal bias on my part…right?News Busters: Well…yes! The left wing has long since used their sympathizers in the media to further their extreme liberal agenda.

Suave: But we’re not talking about the extreme left-wing agenda. We’re talking about someone receiving death threats for speaking their mind! I think that’s wrong!

News Busters: So you agree with the Dixie Chicks. SEE! I KNEW you were biased!

Suave: All right. That’s it! Both of you get the @#$# off my set now. And let’s get to the main event. The match we’ve all been waiting for.

Justin Sufferable, led by the leader of the Progressive Alliance Howard “The American Screamer” Dean, The Pith Lord, Barth Salacious, Harry Reid, and the Attack Poodle Nancy Pelosi walks to the ring. Sufferable grabs the mic.

Justin Sufferable: SHUT UP! I’m not just intolerable. I’m not just unbearable. I am, my friends, Justin Insufferable!

Suave: Yes you are…

News Hounds: Hey! That’s a biased comment against the Progressive Alliance!

Suave: The hell it is.

The off key mariachi band reappears and heads to the ring.

Suave: Now what?

George W saunters cockily down the aisle wearing his trademark smirk only occasionally wincing at the bad notes the off key mariachi band hits. W takes the mic and points at Dean.

George W.: I don’t know what y’all are thinking, but I don’t give a rats ass about my so-called poll numbers. I’m still in charge here.

The crowd boos.

George W: In order to maintain order and fairness, you three need to get your asses back to the locker room. I’M BANNING YOU FROM THE RING!

Suave: What?

News Busters: YEAH! You go W! You go! That’s fair! That’s fair!

Suave: Oh yeah? I guess that means that no one from the American Patriots can be ringside either.

News Busters: Now you’re being biased again! You’re taking the side of the-

Suave: Oh shut up.

Dean, Reid, and Pelosi hesitate.

George W: You heard me. Now get! I’m reestablishing my authority here tonight and whether y’all like it or not, and quite frankly I don’t care, I want your asses back to the locker room now.

Reluctantly, the trio starts back to the locker. They pass A. Tom Bomb aka A-Bomb and he arrives with his valet, the lovely and well-endowed Daisy Cutter-Bomb, and his brothers H-Bomb and N-Bomb. There is an awkward moment and momentary staredown before Dean, Reid, and Pelosi continue on.

Suave: Well, the American Screamer Howard Dean, Pith Lord Harry Reid, and the Attack Poodle Nancy Pelosi have been banished from ringside.

The Bomb Brothers led by Daisy Cutter-Bomb approach the ring. W suddenly motions for Daisy, N-Bomb, and H-Bomb to leave the ringside area.

Suave: BCEW CEO George W has just ejected them too!

News Busters: WHAT?

Suave: I totally agree! If the Progressive Alliance can’t have anybody there then neither should the American Patriots!

News Busters: B-but…but…that’s not fair!

Suave: Bull@#$#. It’s the right thing to do!

News Hounds: I object to the term ‘right.’ It alludes that conservatism and the American Patriots are-

Suave: THAT’S IT! I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU TWO!

Suave gets up and grabs the hair of both News Hounds and News Busters. Then he conks them together. Both News Hounds and News Busters fall off their chairs and to the floor.

Suave: There. Much better. Let’s get to the match.

Match #7- #1 Contender Match- Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance vs. A. Tom Bomb of the American Patriots.
W gets on the mic again and tells both men that he wants them to put on a ‘helluva show’ for the BCEW fans and exhorts them to take the match ‘all over the building.’ The bell rings and the match finally begins.

Sufferable and A-Bomb began. A-Bomb immediately lifted up Justin and threw him to the floor. A-Bomb leaped over the ropes and connected on a cross-body block. He then hit Sufferable with a steel folding chair, then threw him into the ring steps. A-Bomb picked up a small trash can next to the ring announcer and whacked Sufferable with it. Then he sidekicked the trash can into Justin’s face. “So far, Justin Sufferable is taking a whole lot of punishment,” Suave says, “with no help from the Progressive Alliance, how long can he withstand A-Bomb’s onslaught?”

Sufferable desperately grabs the trash can and throws it at A-Bomb. Then he grabbed the microphone laying on the announcer’s table and swung it wildly at A-Bomb and rammed it on the side of his skull. Sufferable reaches under the ring and pulls out a ladder. He jams it into A-Bomb’s head. Justin went for a chair, climbed the ladder, and the crashed the chair on A-Bomb. He went to hit him again with the chair but A-Bomb somehow side-steps him and then he gets arm dragged into the ladder. The crowd cheered when A-Bomb then wore a ladder like a propeller and swung it around, smacking Sufferable several times. A-Bomb then climbed the ladder but Sufferable knocked it over sending A-Bomb through the announcers table. “HOLY CRAP!” Johnny Suave shouts. He barely got out of the way of A-Bomb before the table disintegrated. Sufferable lifted A-Bomb up and then walked him over to the edge of the stage. “Oh no…” Suave says, “He’s not going to do what I think he’s going to do!” A-Bomb hits Sufferable with a low blow. Then he lifts Sufferable up and power A-Bombs him off the stage through a front row table. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave shouts again, “He’s dead! He’s freaking dead!” The Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon crowd chanted, “This match rocks! This match rocks!” A-Bomb again lifts a woozy Sufferable back up and drags him down the aisle towards the back. “Where the hell is he going?” Suave asks. We find out soon enough. A-Bomb drags Sufferable through the main room of Hack’s to a back hallway. He stops at a door, opens it up, and then heaves Sufferable into a dark room. “What is he up to?” Suave inquires. Again, we find out quickly. The lights turn on and Justin Sufferable gets a very unpleasant surprise. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave yells, “it’s every member of the American Patriots! It’s a trap! It’s a freakin’ TRAP!”

H-Bomb, N-Bomb, Daisy Cutter-Bomb, Mr. Old School Don Rumsfeld, The Rookie Sensation Starz N Stripes, The Mastermind Karl Rove, George W’s aide de camp Dick, and the BCEW CEO himself, George W surround Justin. The Mastermind points to his temple to remind everyone that he’s a freakin’ genius. George W has his trademark Texas smirk. Dick says his trademark catch phrase: “F@#$ you Justin!” Then Dick directs the American Patriots the beat the holy hell out of him. Hy Drogen Bomb aka H-Bomb wraps his arm in barbed wire and then punches Sufferable. He immediately came up bleeding. H-Bomb rubbed the barbed wire into Justin’s forehead. Mr. Old School Don Rumsfeld pulled out a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire and handed it to Daisy Cutter-Bomb. Daisy legdropped the barbed wire baseball bat across Sufferable’s crotch. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave said yet again, “I don’t even want to try to describe that…” Off to the side, it appears the Rookie Sensation Starz N Stripes is having reservations about joining in the mugging. “I don’t know if this is right,” Starz says, “seven against one doesn’t seem very fair.” Dick growls and pushes Starz N Stripes into Sufferable. Rowe then pulls out an old sweaty sweat sock and sticks it in Justin’s mouth. “Oh, that’s gross!” Suave comments, “who knows where that sock’s been.” H-Bomb spears Sufferable. H-Bomb then grabbed Justin in the corner and bent him over while Newt-Tron Bomb aka N-Bomb stood with his butt in Sufferable’s face. “OH NO!” Suave says, “they’re going for the ‘Silent But Deadly!’” Suddenly the lights in the room go out. “WHAT THE-” is all Suave can say before the light comes quickly back on and the opening bars to the Fleetwood Mac classic “Don’t Stop (Thinking About Tomorrow)” start to play. A man in a flannel shirt wielding a Singapore cane and a mocha stands in the room.

“IT’S HIM!” cries out Suave, “IT’S THE TREE HUGGIN’, MOCHA CHUGGIN’, TOBACCO COMPANY BUGGIN’, INSANE EXTREME SINGAPORE CANE SWINGING ALPHA MALE! THE EXTREME ENVIROMENTAL HARDCORE ICON- AL GORE!” As the crowd in the main room sings “Don’t stop, thinking about tomorrow,” Gore holds up his mocha, inside an environmentally friendly biodegradable container of course, and chugs it down. Then he spews it out of his mouth into the shocked faces of both The Mastermind and Dick and then crushes the paper container on his forehead in a manly fashion. Al has a microphone. “You know, just like the Earth may cross the line of no return several years from now and suffer the devastating consequences of global warming, George W- you crossed the line tonight!” Gore immediately whacks Dick and the Mastermind over the head with the Singapore cane. Then he quickly takes out A-Bomb, H-Bomb, N-Bomb, Mr. Old School Don Rumsfeld, Starz N Stripes, and Daisy Cutter-Bomb- leaving just George W. The crowd outside rose to their feet as Gore appeared to measure the BCEW CEO for a Singapore cane shot. Then out of nowhere comes Bill First-Medicine Guy and he plows Gore over with a stiff forearm to the back of the head. In the meantime, lost all in the confusion was the fact that Sufferable somehow drug himself up and staggered out the door. W screams at First to get him. First rushes Sufferable who somehow ducks a clothesline. Justin whirls around with a spinning heel kick and knocks Dr. First off his feet. Sufferable picks up Gore’s Singapore cane and proceeds to whip Dr. First in the back with it. Inexplicatively, George W tries to snatch the cane away from Justin Sufferable. There is a short struggle before Sufferable pushes W away and goes back to whipping Dr. First. A. Tom Bomb still groggy from his cane shot, staggers to his feet and sees Sufferable. Enraged, A-Bomb screams out and charges at Justin, tackling and driving him through a closed door on the other side of the hallway. The door bursts open and nearly clips a few people who appear to be attending a wedding reception.

“HOLY CRAP!” Suave exclaims, “they just busted into the wedding reception for Will Beckworth and Charlene Ann Cantrell!” The guests, shocked and surprised by the intrusion, scatter as Sufferable is thrown head first into a table causing it to tip over and spill food, plates, wine glasses, you name it. Charlene Ann Cantrell aka the newly mined Mrs. Will Beckworth, looks at first horrified and then incredibly pissed off. A-Bomb continues his assault and slams Sufferable into another table knocking it and the contents over. Then A-Bomb grabs Justin by the hair, drags him over to the gift table, and slings him head first onto the table causing the gifts to spill onto the floor. A-Bomb smiles and pulls Sufferable back off the table. “Just end it already!” Suave says, “Sufferable doesn’t know what state he’s in……Hey! What’s George W doing?” W rips open one of the gifts- it’s a toaster oven. W gets his trademark smirk on and walks over to where A-Bomb is literally holding up Justin Sufferable. “No!” cries out Suave, “no, no, no!” W attempts to clobber Sufferable with the toaster oven- Sufferable somehow ducks out of the way and W’s piefaces A. Tom Bomb instead. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave says as a stunned W watches A-Bomb falls stiffly backwards to the floor, “W MISSED! HE HIT A-BOMB INSTEAD!” Getting his fourth wind, Sufferable pulls A-Bomb up and climbs on the gift table. He gets A-Bomb into the air and then powerbombs him through the gift table sending gifts, decorations flying all over. “HOLY, HOLY CRAP!” Suave shouts at the move, “THAT’S IT! SUFFERABLE COVER…1…2…3! JUSTIN SUFFERABLE IS NOW THE NUMBER ONE CONTENDER FOR THE BCEW WORLD TITLE!” The crowd in the main room go nuts. W just stands there with his mouth wide open. “W CAN’T BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED! HE JUST SCREWED A. TOM BOMB OUT OF THE NUMBER ONE CONTENDER’S SPOT!” Suddenly, a very unhappy young bride leaps on W’s back and starts to choke him. “THAT’S CHARLENE ANN CANTRELL! SHE’S CHOKING OUT THE CEO OF BCEW! SHE’S PISSED!” W spins around wildly as Charlene Ann’s grip on his throat tightens. “THIS HAS BEEN A GREAT NIGHT. JUSTIN SUFFERABLE WILL MEET THE BCEW WORLD CHAMPION “NO FRILLS” CHRIS ESCONDIDO FOR THE TITLE IN SEPTEMBER AT “BCEW LOOSE CANNONS- LOCK AND LOAD! SEE YOU THEN!”

*****
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Prairie Depot Press – Home of the novel Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction
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NOTE: TWO WEEKS FROM TONIGHT!  PCW RETURNS WITH SEASON #4.

PCW Rewind: BCEW Backbreak Mountain

 

From January 2006 when PCW was BCEW (Buckland County Extreme Wrestling)…
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BCEW- BACKBREAK MOUNTAIN EVENT @ HACK’S RUSTY NAIL SALOON

The voice of BCEW, Johnny Suave, stands in the middle of the ring as the capacity crowd inside Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon chants “BCEW…BCEW.” “Big thing going on!” he says, “big, BIG things!” Suave explains that the Texas Hammer Tom DeLay has stepped down from the American Patriots leadership. “He’s a casualty of the whole Rafael Barry Giambi controversy,” Suave says. The crowd immediately interrupts him and starts a “ROIDS…ROIDS…ROIDS” chant. The Rafael Barry Giambi incident stems from the accidental death of the former BCEW champion that was covered up by George W’s aide de camp Dick and the Mastermind Karl Rove with assistance from DeLay.

“But there’s other news being made as we speak,” Suave adds, “Sam Alito’s appointment to the BCEW Competition Committee under attack by the Progressive Alliance.”

Sam Alito’s Confirmation Hearing
Alito sits uncomfortably in a chair and is unceremoniously grilled by the Progressive Alliance’s Chuck the Schmuck Schumer and the long lost member of the Kennedy clan who no one knew existed before- Fred Kennedy. “Mr. Alito,” Kennedy says, “besides the fact that George W and the American Patriots deliberately misled everyone about the health of former champion Rafael Barry Giambi-” Orrin Hatch of the American Patriot’s immediately objects and he and Arlin Spector get into it with Kennedy and Schumer. “They’re trying to smear you and they’re doing a crappy of job it!” Hatch roars. “He’s being inconsistent!” returns Kennedy. “Alito could swing the BCEW Competition Committee in the favor of the American Patriots!” whines Schumer, “and he and the American Patriots can’t be trusted!”

“YOU BASTARD!” Alito’s wife blurts out. Then she stands up and runs out in tears. “See what you did?” Hatch says. “Yeah, nice going,” Spector says, “@$#-hole!” “Oh yeah?,” Kennedy says, “unless we get the answers we’re looking for the Progressive Alliance reserves the right to take whatever measures necessary in terms of Mr. Alito’s nomination. “Oh really?” Hatch responds, “you do that and the American Patriots reserve the right to take whatever EXTRAORDINARY measures necessary to ensure that Mr. Alito is given a fair up and down vote.” “OH YEAH?” Schumer pipes in, “we’re willing to take EXTREME measures!” “HA!” Hatch scoffs, “you don’t know the meaning of extreme!” “OH YEAH?” Kennedy says, “we’re more extreme than you are. “OH YEAH?” Hatch responds, “well, WE put the EXTREME in Buckland County Extreme Wrestling!” “Oh please,” shoots back Kennedy, “you’re not remotely as extreme as we are!” “No, we’re more extreme!” Hatch replies. A bell rings.

Then Kennedy checks his watch. “Hey you know what?” he says, “it’s lunch time!” “Yeah. I’m hungry,” Spector agrees. “Me too,” chimes in Schumer. “Let’s break then,” Kennedy says, “anyone up for lunch. I’ll drive. I know this great little restaurant that’s right across a flimsy, wooden bridge over the river. Who wants to ride with me?” Awkward silence follows. Then everyone quickly begs off. “Suit yourself,” Kennedy says.

Back to Suave in the middle of the ring along with his constant companion- a life size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. “Yeah, yeah,” Suave says as some people give him the business about the cardboard cut-out, “I almost came out tonight with a Sara Evans cardboard cut-out from that video she did.” The crowd cheers. ‘You would have liked that wouldn’t you?” Suave adds.

Suave gets down to the business at hand. “Thanks to an agreement struck by ‘Straight Shootin’ John McCain with the CEO of BCEW George W,” Suave announces, “tonight in this ring we will determine who will be the new BCEW Men’s champion. A special ‘Buckland County Backbreaking Bunkhouse Brawl’ Twenty five contestants in all!” Suave points to a ladder decorated up to look like a mountain with the BCEW Men’s Championship belt suspended twenty feet in the air. “We will start with four wrestlers in the ring and add one man every minute. Then after we get down to the final four contestants, the first one who climbs ‘Backbreak Mountain’ and grabs the belt will become the NEW BCEW Men’s Champion!”

A Visit to George W’s office
In BCEW CEO George W’s office, W, his aide de camp Dick, and the Mastermind Karl Rove look royally pissed off. “Damn that John McCain,” grouses Dick, “you’re the CEO of BCEW. We make the decisions here. Not McCain.” W. reminds Dick that he didn’t have a whole lot of choice after the whole Rafael Barry Giambi fiasco. Again, a chant of “ROIDS…ROIDS…ROIDS” starts up. W continues: “YOU guys screwed this up. Not me. I just cleaned up the mess YOU made. The winner of the ‘Buckland County Backbreaking Bunkhouse Brawl’ becomes the BCEW Champion.” Dick grimaces and turns to Karl Rove. “I don’t care what you do,” Dick huffs at the Mastermind, “or how you do it. At the end of the night I want A. Tom Bomb’s arm raised up in victory and the BCEW Men’s Championship belt wrapped around his waist. Do you understand me?” The Mastermind nods in the affirmative and then points to his temple to, once again, show just what a freakin’ genius he is.

A Visit to Howard Dean’s office
Inside the office of the leader of the Progressive Alliance, American Screamer Howard Dean, Justin Sufferable sits across the desk from Dean and he doesn’t look very happy. “When I signed up with the Progressive Alliance,” Sufferable steams, “you promised me that you would pave the way for me to become the BCEW Men’s Champion. For nine months, you haven’t done @#$#.” Dean is taken aback. “I want that belt,” Sufferable continues, “and you and if that belt isn’t wrapped around my waist at the end of tonight I just might have to look at- other options.” Dean tries to reassure him. Sufferable isn’t listening. He yanks Dean up by the shirt collar. “Let me make this clear. I…want…that…belt,” Sufferable reiterates. After slinging the American Screamer back into his chair, Sufferable exits leaving Dean bewildered. He then calls in the Pith Lord Harry Reid and the Attack Poodlette Nancy Pelosi.

“All right, we’re back,” Johnny Suave says, “and it’s now time for the moment we’ve been waiting for!”

The lights dim low and the crowd quiets down. Charlene Ann Cantrell strolls to the ring. “Ladies and gentlemen,” she says, “it’s time for the first ever Buckland County Backbreaking Bunkhouse Brawl!” The crowd cheers and chants: “BCEW…BCEW.” The first four contestants come out as they are introduced by Charlene Ann. “It’ll be FUBAR,” Suave announces, “The Fashion Fascist Mr. Blockwell- a newcomer to BCEW, Michael Hunt of Guys With Unfortunate First Names Given Their Surnames, and Mr. No-Spin Factor Bill O’Reilly from Faux News.”

Buckland Bunkhouse Brawl All Out Free For All
Mr. Blockwell grabs the mic from Charlene Ann and in classic ‘Fashion Fascist’ style starts to rip into how gaudishly awful the people of Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon are dressed. Of course they boo him. Then Blockwell makes the mistake of critiquing the outfit Charlene Ann Cantrell is wearing calling her a “mini-skirt wearing, Burger Queen tailored by Tim the Tool Man Taylor.” “WHAT!” Charlene Ann exclaims. “This Lolita of the Midwest really needs to-OOOFFF!” “HOLY CRAP!” Suave says, “She kicked Mr. Blockwell in the balls!” The crowd starts up a ‘HOLY S#$#’ chant. “Charlene Ann grabs the Fashion Fascist by the shirt and throws him over the top rope out of the ring!” Suave says, “he’s out of the Free For All before it begins!” The Fashion Fascist Mr. Blockwell is eliminated.

The bell rings and the match begins! Quickly, FUBAR launches himself at Michael Hunt. Hunt dives to the floor and FUBAR flies over him and charges into Mr. No Spin Factor Bill O’Reilly. O’Reilly fires back and delivers a German suplex to FUBAR. FUBAR goes after O’Reilly, but he trips over a loose shoe string and staggers into O’Reilly who flings him over the top rope! FUBAR is eliminated.

“The match is not even a minute old and already we have two wrestlers out,” Suave observes, “we’re just about to find out who will be the next contestant.” O’Reilly goes after Michael Hunt. “They’re going at it!” Suave says, “O’Reilly with a left, a right, another right. Snap mare suplex.” O’Reilly sizes up Hunt and then throws him across the ring into the ropes. “O’Reilly’s going for a clothesline but…wait! Who grabbed him from behind?” A older, graying man with a gap tooth smile stops O’Reilly. “HOLY CRAP! It’s night time talk show host David Letterman! WHAT IS HE DOING?” Letterman grabs Bill O’Reilly’s head and then jumps off the ring edge to the floor below pulling O’Reilly over the top rope and out of the ring. “HOLY CRAP! DAVID LETTERMAN JUST TOOK OUT BILL O’REILLY!” shouts Suave, “HE’S OUT OF THE MATCH!” Bill O’Reilly is eliminated.

O’Reilly can’t believe what happened. Enraged, he and Letterman brawl with each other all the way back to the locker room. Suave resets the situation. “So Michael Hunt is the last man standing of the first four. Who will join him?” The answer comes in the form of music over the loudspeaker, a snippet of the Dixie Chicks song “Here’s Your Trouble.” Chuck-atalie, one third of the wrestling Dixie Chucks (who all dress up as each member of the country group the Dixie Chicks) races out and joins the fray. “DIXIE CHICKS ROCK!” shouts Chuck-atalie. Then Michael Hunt jumps the Dixie Chuck and tried to push him over the top rope to the outside. Hunt and Chuck-atalie go out at it with neither man gaining much of an advantage.

A clip of Toby Keith’s hit “Who’s Your Daddy” announces the next man in- Gary Locke of the Raving Rednecks Locke and Loade. “This ought to get interesting,” Suave observes as mortal enemies Locke and Chuck-atalie immediately go after each other. As Michael Hunt stays off to the distance, Locke tries to push Chuck-atalie to the outside, but the Dixie Chuck holds on. Locke again tries to lift Chuck-atalie over the top rope but he clings desperately to the bottom rope. Locke delivers big right hands and delivers a power slam to the mat. Then Locke climbs up to the top rope. “What is he doing?” Suave asks as Locke takes his sweet time preparing his next move, “he’s wasting valuable time!” Michael Hunt comes over and pulls on the top ring rope causing Locke to lose his balance and crotch himself on the top turnbuckle. “Ah yes, the classic wrestling cliché,” Suave says, “a wrestler who takes too much time climbing up to the top rope gets crotched.” Locke topples backwards out of the ring and to the apron below. Gary Locke is eliminated.

“We’re back down to two,” Suave observes, “Michael Hunt of Guys With Unfortunate First Names Given Their Surnames and Chuck-atalie of the Dixie Chucks.”

They were joined by the next contestant- Don Martini- one half of the BCEW tag team champions, the drunken luchadors “The Flying Martini Brothers. “Okay, this is the seventh wrestler out. Don Martini staggers to the ring and somehow manages to climb in.” Martini immediately climbs to the top rope. He wobbles back and forth and wastes time. “Okay,” Suave says, “we are quickly coming to another wrestling cliché. The wrestler who takes too much time on the top rope…” Martini leaps at Michael Hunt. Hunt takes two steps to the side and Martini splats face first on the canvas. “…misses their high risk move. Of course, adding alcohol to the equation makes it even more problematic.” Chuck-atalie stomps on Martini who somehow manages to pull himself up using the ring ropes. Chuck-atalie delivers a chop to the stomach of the Flying Martini brother and Martini holds his stomach and begins to wretch. “Oh, oh,” Suave says, “I’ve seen this one before and it ain’t pretty.” Martini heaves and then spews out a green stream of vomit. Chuck-atalie sidesteps the stuff but Michael Hunt unfortunately catches it full force. Hunt, coated in vomit, staggers backwards and flips over the top rope. Michael Hunt is eliminated.

“There we have it, it’s another Bleecth Beer gratuitous vomiting moment,” Suave announces as we see a slow motion replay of Martini spewing green vomit onto Michael Hunt, “Lovely isn’t it?”

Chuck-atalie carefully maneuvers around the ring, gently trying not to step in Martini’s vomit. Martini launches himself against the ropes and then slingshots towards Chuck-atalie. He slips in the ring and veers off course planting his face in the corner turnbuckle. Martini keels over unconscious. Before the Dixie Chuck can throw the Drunken Luchador over the top rope, the Toby Keith song “How Do You Like Me Now” blares. “It’s other half of the Raving Rednecks- Locke and Loade, Earl Loade.” Loade immediately headscissors Chuck-atalie over the top rope, but Chuck-atalie holds onto the ropes and doesn’t fall to the floor. Chuck-atalie gets back in the ring and battles Loade. Loade puts Chuck-atalie’s leg over the top rope, but the Dixie Chuck fights back. Loade locks a front facelock on Chuck-atalie. Chuck-atalie reverses and backdrops Loade on his head. Then he throws the Raving Redneck over the top rope, but he hangs on and rolled back in under the bottom rope.

Things heat up even more when the next man comes out- Chuck-artie of the tag team Dixie Chucks. “With Don Martini incapacitated, it’s two against one!” Suave observes. Chuck-artie immediately body slams Loade. Then Chuck-atalie throws a series of uppercuts and backs Loade into a corner. Chuck-artie hits a capture belly-to-belly suplex followed by a few boots to the mid-section by Chuck-atalie. Loade rolls under the bottom rope- he wasn’t eliminated since you have to go over the top rope and have your feet touch the floor. Chuck-artie pursues Loade and slides between the second and third ropes, meaning also that he was still in the match. Chuck-artie flings Loade into the steel ring steps. “Loade is holding his lower back,” Suave announces, “he’s in a lot of pain and…what the hell?” Chuck-artie pulls out a table from underneath the ring and sets it up. “He puts Loade on the table!” Chuck-artie climbs the top turnbuckle and balances himself. “He’s not going to do what I think he’s going to do,” Suave says, “but wait! Loade gets up and he’s got Chuck-artie. No….NOOOOO.” Loade suplexes Chuck-artie from the top rope through the table. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave yells, “Loade just planted Chuck-artie through the table! And what? According to the referee, BOTH men technically went over the top rope! They’re out!” Earl Loade and Chuck-artie are eliminated.

The crowd starts up another ‘Holy s#@#’ chant. Loade and Chuck-artie slowly come to in wood pile that used to be a table. “I don’t think they’re dead,” Suaves says, “but they sure as hell should be. That was sick.”

Recapping who’s in and out.

OUT: FUBAR, Mr. Blackwell- The Fashion Fascist, Michael Hunt, Mr. No-Spin Bill O’Reilly, Gary Locke of the Raving Rednecks- Locke and Loade, Chuck-artie of the Dixie Chucks, Earl Loade of the Raving Rednecks-Locke and Loade.

STILL IN: Don Martini- one half of the tag team champions The Flying Martini Brothers and Chuck-atalie of the Dixie Chucks.

IN SINCE THE BREAK: Peacenik #1 of the Green World Order, “The Smelly Luchador” Halitosis, Little Paulie of the American Bikers, and Al Cahall from Politically Correct

Howard Dean’s Office
Justin Sufferable stomps in. “What do you want!” he says, “I’m supposed to wrestle in a just few moments!” The American Screamer Howard Dean, with the Attack Poodleette Nancy Pelosi and the Pith Lord Harry Reid, tries to calm him down. Dean tells Sufferable that he has given lots of thought to what he said earlier tonight about winning the BCEW Men’s Championship. “Because I want you to be happy…and successful,” Dean gestures at Pelosi and Reid, “WE…want you to be happy and successful. We’re bringing in the big guns to make sure you…and the Progressive Alliance…achieve our mutual goals tonight.” Dean then tells Pelosi to bring in their ‘big gun.’ “I wonder who that could be?” Suave ponders. Dean brings in a man, 6 foot 5, wearing a blue #18 football jersey. “PEYTON MANNING?” Suave says, “The Colts quarterback? HE’S the big gun?” “I am confident,” Dean says, “that a talent such as Peyton Manning, All-American quarterback, will give us the edge we’ll need to win our big game tonight!” Justin Sufferable doesn’t seem nearly as confident. “I’m right behind you Mr. Sufferable,” Manning gushes, “I even have a cheer for you. Who’s going to pin them; who’s going to win? Justin! Justin is!” Justin stops him. “Look, when the time comes, you can be in my corner. Until then, leave me alone.” Sufferable then leaves. Dean tells Peyton ‘just keep busy’ and he’ll get him when the time comes.

“Welcome back to ‘Backbreak Mountain,’” Johnny Suave says, “I am the voice of BCEW Johnny Suave. NFL quarterback Peyton Manning helping out Justin Sufferable. The Progressive Alliance is bringing out all of the artillery tonight. Let’s get back to the action.”

BUCKLAND COUNTY BACKBREAKING BUNKHOUSE BRAWL (CONT.)
Little Paulie hits a big uppercut on Chuck-atalie. Chuck-atalie turns around and shoves Little Paulie back into the ring ropes. Al Cahall slips in from behind and picks up Peacenik #1 of the Green World Order, who up to this point protested the violence by sitting in the middle of the ring and refusing to fight, and press slammed him. Cahall goes for a wheelbarrow bulldog on Peacenik #1 but before he hits the bulldog, Little Paulie dumps him over the top rope. Al Cahall is eliminated.

“That’s the end of the line for one of the members of Politically Incorrect,” states Suave, “we are down to five.” Little Paulie elbows Chuck-atalie in the face. Halitosis does a couple luchador-type moves and nearly knocks Little Paulie of the American Bikers out of the ring. Peacenik #1 then confronts Halitosis. Holitosis uses his patented finishing maneuver, the ‘breath of death,’ on Peacenik #1. Peacenik #1 is rendered unconscious. Then Little Paulie picks up the GWO member and deposits him outside the ring. Peacenik #1 is eliminated.

Another member of the Green World Order, The Vengeful Vegan Brock Cole Lee, comes out and takes Peacenik #1’s place. In the center of the ring, Lee and Little Paulie confronts each another. Lee starts talking smack to the American Biker. Little Paulie piefaces Brock Cole Lee and it’s on. Lee fires back with a big right hand and goes for a shoulder block. Little Paulie sidesteps the onrushing Vengeful Vegan and Lee crashes into and literally wakes up one half of the BCEW Men’s Tag Team Champions- Don Martini of the Flying Martini Brothers. Lee bounces up and gets another shoulder block by Little Paulie. The Dixie Chuck Chuck-atalie then suplexes Lee and sends him crashing onto the canvas. “Lee’s in trouble,” Suave says as Don Martini climbs onto the turnbuckle, “here comes the drunken luchador Don Martini…” Martini does a hurricane-rama from the top rope…and misses. “Well, at least he was close…kind of,” Suave says. Lee gets Martini up and tries to throw him over the top rope. Miraculously, Martini somehow holds onto the bottom rope.

At the bar, All-American quarterback Peyton Manning chant “Pour that beer! Pour that beer!” to cheer on Katie the Waitress who pours a draft beer for a customer.

Another member of Politically Incorrect, Nic Koteen, enters the match and immediately goes after Brock Cole Lee. “Koteen and Lee hate each other!” Suave says as both men hammer away at the other. Koteen puts the Vengeful Vegan up on the top rope and slaps him across the face. Lee then responds by talking trash and puts a headscissor around Koteen’s head. “That’s almost a choke hold,” Suave says as Lee squeezes his legs together and then tries to pull Koteen over the top rope. Lee, totally focused on Nic Koteen, forgets about Little Paulie lurking about. He grabs Lee and powerbombs him in the center of the ring! The fans chant “BCEW…BCEW!” Lee pulls himself up and gets smacked with right hands from Koteen. Lee counters with a big shot of his own. Then he whips Koteen into the ropes before Nic comes back, ducks a Brock Cole Lee clothesline, and clotheslines an unsuspecting Chuck-atalie out of the ring. Chuck-atalie of the Dixie Chucks is eliminated.

Then the smelly luchador Halitosis unleashes another ‘breath of death’ on Brock Cole Lee and then follows up with a neckbreaker that sends the Vengeful Vegan over the top rope. Brock Cole Lee is eliminated.

“We are down to Little Paulie of the American Bikers, Drunken Luchador Don Martini, Smelly Luchador Halitosis,” Suave resets. The next contestant runs down to the ring- it’s Peacenik #2. “The last member of the Green World Order,” Suave announces. He is handed a note by one of the production crew. “WHAT?” Suave says, “you can’t be serious.” He shake his head. “Ladies and gentlemen. The Hollywood Left has demanded air time for their special “Golden Globe” awards so they can pat themselves on the back, engage in self-congratulations, and tell us how more enlightened and self-important they are.”

**
The Hollywood Left’s Golden Globe Awards
George Clooney stands behind the podium. “And the winner is,” Clooney says, “William “Kirk” Shatner’s kidney stone!” Clooney hold up a plastic jar filled with formaldehyde contains the kidney stone of William Shatner. The paparazzi takes photo after photo of Clooney, the kidney stone, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon. “This is totally ridiculous!” Suave complains, “what a bunch of egomanic, narcissist, arrogant-” A commotion erupts. “What’s this?” DeWayne Cantrell appears and whaps George Clooney over the head with a steel-folding chair. “HOLY CRAP!” an overjoyed Suave shouts, “YES! He just hit Clooney with a steel-folding chair!” *CLANG* “And he just took out Hoffman!” *CLANG* “Down goes Joaquin Phoenix.” *CLANG* “Reese Witherspoon! Even though I really liked her in Illegally Blonde.” *CLANG* Geena Davis! *CLANG* “That guy from the 40 Year Old Virgin!” DeWayne walks to the podium and directs the cameraperson to come in close, really close. The camera man obliges. Then DeWayne yells into the camera: “LET’S GET BACK TO THE @#$#ing BRAWL!”

Back to the Bunkhouse Brawl (cont.)
The crowd goes wild. “I couldn’t have said it better myself!” Suave concurs, “uh, oh. Don Martini is up on the top rope again.” Little Paulie whips Halitosis into the corner. Martini loses his balance and falls hard to the floor for the elimination. Don Martini of the Flying Martini Brothers is eliminated.

Ringside, Peyton Manning jumps up and down cheering the ref. “GREAT CALL!” he shouts, “YOU’RE NUMBER ONE MAN!” The referee looks totally embarrassed.

“O-kay…well, while we were gone, Mr. Old School Don Rumsfeld, Ivan Rectum-Fighting Proctologist, Snott Flemmstein, and NRA from Politically Incorrect joined the Bunkhouse Brawl,” Suave advises.

Martini twitches on the outside. “I hope he’s okay,” Suave says, “that was not a good fall for the Drunken Luchador.” Halitosis tries to rally and goes to give the “breath of death” on Little Paulie. Instead, Little Paulie lifts up the Smelly Luchador tosses him to the floor. The Smelly Luchador Halitosis is eliminated.

Peyton Manning asks the bell ringer for his autograph. The bell ringer looks at him as if he’s insane.

Nic Koteen slaps his chest and front dropkicks Flemmstein and follows with a front dropkick to the midsection. Flemmstein stumbles around and tries to shoot more snot from his prostheticly enhanced nose. It jams up. “Flemmstein’s in big trouble!” Suave says as Ivan Rectum-Fighting Proctologist calls for the rubber gloves, “big BIG trouble!” *SNAP* Rectum puts on the rubber glove. Flemmstein immediately taps out. “But there’s no tapping out in the Buckland County Backbreaking Bunkhouse Brawl!” Suave says. Rectum snaps on the other glove. So instead, Flemmstein flings himself over the top rope and eliminates himself. Snott Flemmstein eliminated.

That leaves Nic Koteen and NRA of Politically Incorrect, Little Paulie from the American Bikers, Ivan Rectum-Fighting Proctologist, Mr. Old School Don Rumsfeld,. “Five in the ring and it looks like the way the draw worked out we will be seeing-,” Suave says, “…what the hell is NRA doing?” NRA inexplicatively leaps over the top rope and heads into the crowd. “Whoa. There’s something’s going on here,” Suave reports, “NRA is walking to the bar……it looks like someone’s giving his wife a hard time…” NRA confronts a guy holding two beers standing by his wife. “…or worse, he bought her a beer.” The police walk over to make sure nothing gets out of hand. In the ring, the referee signals that NRA is out. NRA eliminated. “NRA ELIMINATED HIMSELF!” Suave says.

NRA realizes what he’s just done. “@#$#!!!” he shouts.

“Well that was just weird,” Suave says. A meow SFX sounds. “YYESS!! Oh baby! Here we go! Here comes the SRB!” Enter Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie aka the Skanky Rich Bimbos. The SRB walks sleazily towards the ring followed by The ‘Sultan of Shock’ Howard Stern. “He is the next contestant!” Suave says, “the Sultan of-” “WAY TO GO JOHNNY, WAY TO GO!” Peyton Manning chants and claps, WAY TO GO JOHNNY…” “Oh Jesus, get out here!” a briefly startled Suave tells the NFL quarterback. “Nice cardboard cut-out,” Manning says pointing at the Shania Twain life-size cardboard cut-out. Suave shoos him away. “GO!” Stern enters the ring. The SRB cheers him on from the outside. “There are five men left in the ring and if my list is correct,” Suave observes, “there are only four wrestlers left to come out. Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance. ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido. A. Tom Bomb from the American Patriots. And his brother ‘Silent But Deadly’ Newt Tron Bomb- also of the American Patriots.”

Huge explosion sound effects. “And speaking of the Bombs,” Suave says, “it looks like it’s ‘Silent But Deadly’ Newt Tron Bomb who’s the next one in.

“There are five wrestlers left in the ring,” host Johnny Suave says, “‘Sultan of Shock’ Howard Stern, Ivan Rectum-Fighting Proctologist, Nic Koteen of Politically Incorrect, ‘Mr. Old School’ Don Rumsfeld, and ‘Silent But Deadly’ Newt Tron Bomb. There are three wrestlers left to come out- they are the top three contenders for the BCEW men’s championship: Justin Sufferable from the Progressive Alliance, A. Tom Bomb from the American Patriots, and Independent “No Frills” Chris Escondido.”

“This all started with a deal brokered by ‘Straight Shootin’ John McCain. The winner of tonight’s ‘Backbreaking Bunkhouse Brawl’ becomes the new undisputed BCEW Men’s Champion. Once we get down to the final four men, the First man to climb the ladder aka ‘Backbreak Mountain’..,” Suave refers to the ladder adjacent to the stage decorated up to look like a mountain, “…and grabs the BCEW Men’s Championship belt becomes the champion. Let’s get back to the action.”

*
BUCKLAND COUNTY BACKBREAKING BUNKHOUSE BRAWL (cont.)
Newt Tron Bomb slowly makes his way to the ring to join the other four. “He’s not in any great hurry to join the action,” Suave observes, “and he’s eating? What the hell is he eating?” Chowing on a bowl of baked beans, Newt continues to amble his way to the ring when a man dressed in a king-like costume with a ridiculously big grin on his face pushes him out of the way and bolts to the ring. “What?” a surprised Suave says, “HEY! THAT’S THAT CREEPY KING CHARACTER FROM THE BURGER KING COMMERCIALS!” The King jumps into the ring. The other four don’t quite know what to make of him. They look at each other. They look at the King. The four nod and then… “THEY’RE TAKING OUT THE KING!” Suave shouts as Howard Stern, Ivan Rectum, Nic Koteen, and Don Rumsfeld jump the king and start beating the hell out of him. “HOLY CRAP! THE CROWD’S GOING NUTS!” After a few seconds of mindless violence against a helpless TV character in costume, the four lift the King up and unceremoniously dump him out of the ring.

“The Burger King definitely didn’t have it his way tonight!” Suave cracks as the costumed character staggers past an amused Newt Tron Bomb towards the back. “And the referee has started to count Newt Tron Bomb out.” Now properly motivated, Newt Tron finally gets into the ring. Stern hooks up with Nic Koteen. Mr. Old School and Ivan Rectum have at it. Newt Tron stands in the middle of the ring. “Newt’s finally in there but…but…he’s standing in the ring. And he has this weird smile on his face. Why is he wearing a gas mask? And…OH MY GOD! WHAT IS THAT SMELL!……OH GOD, THAT IS RANK.” One by one, the other wrestlers start dropping like flies. “What the-…” Suave sees Newt Tron fanning his behind. “SILENT BUT DEADLY! SILENT BUT DEADLY!” he screeches as the last wrestler is overcome by the noxious fumes emitted from Newt Tron Bomb’s ass. “THEY’RE ALL OUT!” Newt Tron then dumps each one over the top rope leaving only him in the ring.

George W., his aide de camp Dick, The Mastermind Karl Rove rushes to the ring on one side. Bill Frist- Medicine Guy joins them to represent the American Patriots. The American Screamer Howard Dean and the Pith Lord Harry Reid races in from the other side for the Progressive Alliance. “Okay, what’s this all about?” Suave asks. Dean and Dick get into a squabble over what happens next. The Mastermind and Bill Frist chirps away at the Pith Lord Harry Reid. Meanwhile, a couple of ring technicians bring two big fans in to ventilate the leftover gas from Newt Tron Bomb. “What happens now?” Suave says, “I think that’s what they’re trying to figure out.” A few more seconds go by and the crowd grows impatient. A “BCEW…BCEW” chant rings out. Suddenly, Justin Sufferable appears. He is escorted to the ring by NFL All-American Quarterback Peyton Manning. “I think,” Suave says as ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido comes out, “I think they’re calling the other three to the ring now!” A. Tom Bomb, led by Daisy Cutter-Bomb, follows Escondido to the ring. Then the referee brings the ladder and the championship belt into the ring. He then puts the belt up on a wire and then the belt is hoisted about fifteen feet up in the air. “Yep, they’re going to put all four in now along with the ladder. The first man to climb the ladder and grabs the belt wins the title,” Suave says, “and you know it’s crunch time now because no one’s leaving ringside.” The American Screamer Howard Dean and Pithy Harry Reid stake out one side; Bill Frist-Medicine Guy and The Mastermind Karl Rove stake out the other. George W and Dick hang back off to the side.

“All four men are in the ring,” Suave says, “and so it begins.” A. Tom and Newt Tron Bomb immediately attack Justin Sufferable. A. Tom took the fight to Sufferable’s left arm and shoulder. Newt Tron suckers Justin and hits a cheap shot but the Progressive Alliance champion fights back and clotheslines Newt Tron. Then A. Tom Bomb kicks Sufferable in the back and follows with chest chops and a dropkick. A. Tom hit four power suplexes in a row and Newt Tron Bomb gets into the act with punches to Justin’s head. Standing out of the way is “No Frills” Chris Escondido. Finally, A. Tom Bomb motions Escondido to join them. “Escondido hates Justin Sufferable,” Suave observes, “he wants to destroy Justin Sufferable just as much as the American Patriots do!” As A. Tom Bomb holds Sufferable, Escondido hits two boots to Sufferable’s face. Escondido delivers some right hand punches, pulls Sufferable up and backdrops him, clotheslines and chops him to the chest. Newt Tron hits a spinning kick to Sufferable’s face. “The American Screamer Howard Dean and the Pith Lord Harry Reid are up on the apron screaming at the ref!” Suave says, “the American Patriots with help from Chris Escondido are taking Justin Sufferable out!” A. Tom locks in a front guillotine choke. “Sufferable can’t hold on much longer,” Suave says, “DEAN AND REID HAVE JUMPED THE ROPES!

Dean and Reid rush into the ring and try to aid Sufferable. Dean shoves Newt Tron Bomb down. Reid attempts to do the same to Chris Escondido. Bad move. Escondido pushes back and knocks down the Pith Lord. “AND NOW DAISY CUTTER-BOMB IS IN THE RING!” Suave announces. Daisy Cutter, the well-endowed younger sister of the Bomb brothers, clobbers Dean from behind and begins to stomp on him. Bill Frist-Medicine Guy and The Mastermind Karl Rove cheers as Daisy Cutter delivers a leg drop on the American Screamer. “NOW NFL ALL AMERICAN QUARTERBACK PEYTON MANNING IS IN THE RING!” Daisy Cutter turns her sights on the pro football player who’s not sure he wants to be in the ring. Daisy distracts the NFL star while Newt Tron slips in from behind and clobbers Manning from behind. “Manning is down!” Suave says as the NFL QB hits the turnbuckles and drops to the mat, “Daisy Cutter Bomb and Newt Tron Bomb have neutralized the American Screamer Howard Dean and Pith Lord Harry Reid. A. Tom Bomb and Chris Escondido are destroying Justin Sufferable! ” The Mastermind Karl Rove, again, points to his head to point out, again, just what a freakin’ genius he is, again. “This was the plan all along!” Suave says, “The Mastermind has choreographed this perfectly for the American Patriots!”

The music of Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop” suddenly starts to play and the crowd explodes when a plaid shirted man with a steel-folding chair and a mocha appears. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave wails, “HE’S HERE! HE’S BACK!” George W. and his aide de camp Dick can’t believe their eyes. “HE’S BACK!” Suave repeats, “IT’S THE TREE HUGGIN’, MOCHA CHUGGIN’, TOBACCO COMPANY BUGGIN’, INSANE EXTREME CHAIR SWINGING ALPHA MALE! THE ENVIROMENTAL EXTREME HARDCORE ICON- AL GORE!” As the crowd sings “Don’t stop, thinking about tomorrow,” Gore holds up his mocha, inside an environmentally friendly biodegradable container of course, and chugs it down. Then he spews it out of his mouth into the crowd and then crushes the paper container on his forehead in a manly fashion. “HE’S BACK IN BCEW!” Suave says as the Environmental Extreme Hardcore Icon slowly makes his way through the crowd. All action inside the rings stops as Gore continues his entrance. He pulls out another container of mocha, guzzles it down, spews it into the crowd, and then smashes the container on his forehead.

The crowd continues the sing along as Gore suddenly bolts for the ring. “HE’S COMING TO THE RING!” Suave says. The Mastermind Karl Rove is the first one he reaches. *CLANG* Rove goes down. Gore turns to Bill Frist-Medicine Guy. *CLANG* Same result. Daisy Cutter-Bomb leaps over the rope and *CLANG* catches the steel-folding chair flush in the face. She’s out. “THE ENVIRONMENTAL EXTREME HARDCORE ICON IS CLEANING HOUSE!” Suave roars over the crowd. Gore stares down George W and his aide de camp Dick who both try to keep their distance from him. Newt Tron Bomb then takes a swipe at Gore from inside the ring. Gore grabs his hand and drags Newt Tron over the top rope. The Bomb Brother lands on the floor and then… *CLANG* Gore drops a bomb of his own so to speak. The referee calls Newt Tron Bomb out of the Brawl. Newt Tron Bomb is eliminated.

“We’re down to three!” Suave exclaims, “Escondido. A. Tom Bomb. Justin Sufferable.” A. Tom Bomb is furious. He jaws with Gore while Escondido stays back and Sufferable tries to pull himself up. A groggy NFL All American Quarterback Peyton Manning also manages to climb back up to his feet. Manning leans back on the top rope and lays on it. “Sufferable is up but still hurt,” Suave announces, “Escondido bides his time and A. Tom Bomb is preoccupied with Al Gore.” Sufferable staggers back onto the ropes right by NFL Star Peyton Manning. Sufferable leans back on the already lowered ropes, loses his balance, and accidently flips over the top rope out of the ring. “SUFFERABLE IS OUT!” Suave cries as Manning looks down at Sufferable incredulously, “THE ALL-AMERICAN QUARTERBACK HAS JUST BLOWN ANOTHER BIG GAME!” Sufferable sits on the floor in total disbelief. Justin Sufferable is eliminated.

“Here comes the American Screamer,” Suave says Howard Dean races to the ring, “Dean is lighting up the referee. He is pissed.” Dean, Gore, and eventually Sufferable get into a heated protracted argument with the referee over Justin’s elimination. Sufferable demands to be put back in the ring. The referee refuses and again motions that Sufferable is gone from the brawl. While this is going on, George W’s aide de camp Dick slips in unnoticed. He reaches into his pants pocket and produces a shiny metal object. “What the hell?” Suave asks, “THAT’S A FOREIGN OBJECT! DICK HAS A FOREIGN OBJECT AND HE’S GOING TO GIVE IT TO A. TOM BOMB!” After making sure that the referee wasn’t looking, Dick tries to slip the shiny metal object to A. Tom. Suddenly, the crowd noise surges. “WHAT?” Suave says, not sure what’s happening now, “IT’S…IT’S……IT’S THE STRAIGHT SHOOTER JOHN MCCAIN!” McCain goes to the ring and confronts Dick about the foreign object. Dick tries to hide the object and look innocent. McCain doesn’t buy it. “McCain caught him red handed. He wants the object,” Suave says. McCain grabs for the foreign object and tries to pry it out of Dick’s hand. Dick desperately tries to hang on to it. As A. Tom Bomb looks down helplessly as the two men grapple over the foreign object, ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido seizes the opportunity and delivers a stiff forearm shot to the back of A. Tom Bomb and pushes him over the top rope out of the ring. A. Tom Bomb is eliminated.

“THAT’S IT!” Suave shouts, “CHRIS ESCONDIDO IS GOING TO BECOME THE NEW BCEW MEN’S CHAMPION!” Dick is in total shock. George W. stares at the ring with his mouth wide open. The referee breaks off his conversation with the American Screamer and goes to the ladder. The American Patriots watches helplessly as Escondido quickly climbs Backbreak Mountain (aka a very tall ladder dressed up as a mountain) and grabs the BCEW Men’s championship belt.

“No Frills” Chris Escondido wins the Buckland County Backbreaking Bunkhouse Brawl.

“HE’S DONE IT!” Suave says, “HE’S DONE IT! CHRIS ESCONDIDO IS THE CHAMPION! HOLY FREAKIN’ CRAP! CHRIS ESCONDIDO HAS PULLED IT OFF! UNFREAKIN’ BELIEVEABLE!” The Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon audience gives Escondido a standing ovation. George W., his aide de camp Dick, The Mastermind Karl Rove and the other members of the American Patriots all look like they’re about to hurl. Justin Sufferable and his Progressive Alliance mates are equally as distraught at the turn of events. A stream of independent wrestlers join Escondido in the ring to congratulate him: The American Bikers- Big Paulie and Little Paulie, Politically Incorrect- Nic Koteen, Al Cahall, and NRA, Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don-the Flyin’ Martini Brothers among others.

“Thanks to ‘Straight Shootin’ John McCain,” Suave recaps, “who stopped Dick from slipping A. Tom Bomb a foreign object, “Chris Escondido was able to knock A. Tom over the ropes and claim the BCEW Men’s Championship belt. That is it from Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon. This is Johnny Suave for BCEW- Buckland County Extreme Wrestling.”

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Prairie Depot Press

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PCW Rewind from year one: BCEW Thanksgiving Extravaganza

 

From November of 2005 when PCW (Political Championship Wrestling) was still BCEW (Buckland County Extreme Wrestling)…

**********

BCEW- THANKSGIVING EXTRAVAGANZA HOUSE EVENT AT BCEW HALL, EAGLE ROCK, OHIO

Results from the first BCEW House event to be held at the newly christened BCEW Hall in Eagle Rock, Ohio.

Earl Fletcher will be the ring announcer for tonight’s BCEW Hall event.

Earl comes out and welcomes everyone to BCEW Hall. He then says, “ever been driving down the road in your car and pretended that you had a small laser mounted on the front of your car that shot birds out of the air and other animals along the side of the road?” He is met by a baffled silence. “Guess not. Let’s get to the action.”

Match #1- Little Paulie with Big Paulie of the American Bikers vs. “No Frills” Chris Escondido
Another classic match between long time adversaries. Back and forth for several minutes until the end. As usual, Little Paulie and Big Paulie start bickering and arguing about match strategy and the amount of time Little Paulie is taking to win the match. Escondido charges at Little Paulie. Little Paulie this time steps out of the way and Escondido blasts into Big Paulie. Big Paulie flies off the ring edge to the mat below. Little Paulie then rolls up Escondido from behind and gets the win.

Announcements & Shane “I’m So Damn Funny I Just Crack Up At My Own Jokes” Ghackerman
Earl Fletcher reads some announcements. Fletcher makes some oblique reference to Madonna and then follows up with this gem. “If I a-happen to walk by one of those collector’s items Dick Tracy action figures thingys- like Madonna as Breathless Mahoney- and just **happen** to peek under her dress, would that be a bad thing?” The sound of crickets chirping follow. “Right. Well, if you think that’s bad, here’s Shane ‘I’m So Damn Funny I Just Crack Up At My Own Jokes’ Ghackerman.”

Ghackerman starts off with: “You all hear the story about the guy who was attacked by a donkey? Yeah, the sheriff said it was the worse ASS-kicking he’d ever seen.” *rimshot* Groans. More groans.

“Okay,” he continues, “What did the lady say to the guy who kept showing up at her door with a stick of celery? Hey! Stop stalking me!” *rimshot* More groans. A couple titters. But mostly groans.

“Got another one. What do you go through when you give up eating celery? Deceleration.” *rimshot* More groans. A ‘you suck.’

Actually, lots of ‘you sucks.’

“Right. Just say no to snorting Coke. It’s not good for you and the carbonation burns the hell out of the inside of your nose.” *rimshot* “Get it? Coke? The pop? Inside your nose? BHWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-urk…

Thankfully, Fletcher yanks Ghackerman out of the ring before he starts a full fledged riot.

Snott Flemmstein and Annoying Cell Phone Guy enjoy dinner at one of the back tables of the BCEW Hall. Everything goes well until Cell Phone Guy starts to get calls on his cell phone. Flemmstein slowly gets pissed off as Cell Phone Guy spends the next few minutes gabbing away. Finally, Flemmstein has enough and leaps across the table. The cell phone flies out of Cell Phone Guy’s hand. The two roll around on the ground. A referee suddenly shows up and we’ve got ourselves an impromptu match.

Match #2- Snott Flemmstein vs. Annoying Cell Phone Guy
This was doesn’t make into the ring. A couple minutes of action before Flemmstein shoots out the ol’ green ‘snot’ from his prosthetically enhanced nose and coats Cell Phone Guy again. The referee quickly counts 1-2-3 and the match is Flemmsteins.

Earl Fletcher introduces the Black Swamp Pirates who come out and play their new country song American Elitist.

“Hey Green Day,” said the band’s lead singer Junior Jackson, hoisting his middle finger high in the air, “I’ve got your #$#$ing redneck agenda right here!” The band starts to play…

I don’t want to be an American Elitist
Don’t want to be smug, self-absorbed, and conceited
Looking down your nose while sipping cappuccino
Push your political views cause you act or hit a high note

I know it’s hard to see us when you’re up so far above
I guess we’re supposed to listen, cause you’ve got a Hollywood star
Your perks and privilege gets you places we will never see.
Your power and prestige gets you people we’ll never meet.

So Barbra Streisand, you won’t defeat us
You and the rest of the American Elitists
Just like Michael Moore, hell, you’d better believe us
Stay inside your limousine behind the tinted glass
Hide behind the velvet ropes and you can kiss our ass

I don’t want to be an American Elitist
Corporate greed feeds the rich, the rest of us simply bleed yes
Golden parachutes, they protect the big gun
While no one gives a damn about the little ones

I know it’s hard to see us when you’re up so far above
And I guess you’ve got a better way since you drive a fancy car
Your perks and privileges gets you places we will never see.
Your power and prestige gets you people we’ll never meet.

So Rush Limbaugh, you won’t defeat us
You and the rest of the American Elitists
Just like, Dick Cheney, hell you’d better believe us
Stay inside your limousine behind the tinted glass
Hide out at your country clubs and you can kiss our ass

I don’t want to be an American Elitist
Big money special interests, well they get what they need yeah
One dollar equals one vote, that’s the way the game’s played
While the rest of us watch as our dreams slowly slip away

I know it’s hard to see us when you’re up so far above
And if you’ve got the cash to pay, you get all the fun
Your perks and privileges gets you places we will never see.
Your power and prestige gets you people we’ll never meet.

Hey NRA, you won’t defeat us
You and the rest of the American Elitists

 

Hey you, George Soros, you’d better believe us
Stay inside your limousine behind the tinted glass
Spend your cash, buy an election and you can kiss our ass
You and the rest of the American Elitists
Like Rolling Stone, you’d better believe us.
Stay inside your limousine behind the tinted glass
Watch us from your ivory towers and you can kiss our ass

The Pirates receive a standing ovation from the BCEW Hall audience.

Match #3- The Raving Rednecks Locke and Loade vs. The Dixie Chucks Chuck-artie and Chuck-mily
The match of the night. Lots of false finishes. Locke and Loade went for the Redneck 4-D Death Blast but Chuck-mily countered with a drop kick and Chuck-artie clobbered Locke from behind.. Locke somehow makes it to the rope. At one point Chuck-artie hits 5 German suplexes in a row. Eventually Chuck-mily was placed in the Redneck 4-D Death Blast and taken out of commission. Then both Locke and Loade attack Chuck-artie and end up laying him out. 1-2-3. Winner-Locke and Loade.

**
BCEW Romey Segment

BCEW Romey, who suspiciously looks a hell of a lot like BCEW Owner and huge fan of Jim Rome’s radio show Bubba Jackson, comes out to deliver a take.

BCEW Romey: “All right, I guess you’ve all heard by now that Mike Love of the Beach Boys filed suit against Brian Wilson for among other things, “misappropriating the trademark of the Beach Boys. Save it clones, I know what you’re going to say. “He’s been doing that for the past 10 years.” I get that. I get the fact that many of you consider him to be an attention starved, sue-happy crybaby. I get that. I get the fact that many of you are bent over how Mike turned the Beach Boys induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame into a night that will live in rock infamy. I get that, too.

“But what caught my attention was the phrase “the misappropriation of Mike Love’s songs.” Oh? What the hell is that? Did Brian misappropriate “Sumahama?” “Summer of Love?” Freakin’ “Kokomo?” No? Oh I get it. Lest we all forget that Mike Love is the guy who was inducted into the Songwriter’s Hall of Fame- no wait, that was Brian Wilson. We all know that Mike Love is the one who won a Grammy for his solo album- wait, that was Brian Wilson too. And of course, how could we forget the tribute show to Mike Love a few years ago- oh wait, that was Brian freakin’ Wilson.

Hey Wall Street Journal, you won’t defeat us

***
(Plays tape of Mike’s speech at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony)”I think it’s wonderful to be here tonight, but I also think it’s sad that there are other people who aren’t here tonight, and those are the people who’ve passed away…those are the obvious ones. But the other not-so-obvious ones are people like Paul McCartney who couldn’t be here tonight because he’s in a lawsuit with Ringo and Yoko- that’s what he said in a telegram to some high-pRicearonid attorney in this room, ya know? Now, that’s a BUMMER because we’re talking about Harmony in the world. If we can’t get it together in America and in England and harmony within our groups…I mean, believe it, you can believe it…the Beach Boys have their own (unintelligible) or whatever you call it, squabbles, but that’s a BUMMER when MS. ROSS can’t makeit, ya know? The Beach Boys’ll continue to do…we did about a hundred and eighty performances last year. I’d like to see the “MOPTOPS” match that-! I’d like to see MICK JAGGER get out on the stage and do “I Get Around” vs. “Jumpin’ Jack Flash” ANY DAY NOW! Now, a lot of people are gonna go outta this room tonight thinking that Mike Love is crazy…well, they been sayin’ that for years! Ain’t nothin’ new about that! And now we’re (slurring gets more pronounced) ssssittin’ in this room with all this glitterati of the glissando…all 6% of us…and we’re hasslin’, we’re fighting…(mumbles) squabbles, messin’ around…what I want to see is this whole room recognize that there is One Earth here and I want us to do something FANTASTIC with all of this talent and this wonderful spirit and soul, and I’d like to see some people KICK OUT THE JAMS, and I challenge “The BOSS” to get up onstage and jam..!” [Note: At this point, musical director Paul Shaffer plays the Theramin intro to 'Good Vibrations'...he might just as well have played the Twilight Zone Theme. Love continues to rant.] “I wanna see BILLY JOEL…see if he can still TICKLE IVORIES…lemme see! I know MICK JAGGER won’t be here tonight, he’s gonna have to stay in *burp* England. But, I’d like to see us in the Coliseum and he in Wembley Stadium, ’cause he’s always been CHICKENSHIT to get on stage with the Beach Boys...!” [Shaffer then tries to drown Love out by striking up the band, which inspires him to conclude] “…and we’re gonna do it for World Peace and Love and Harmony. Yeah! Alright!”

“We’re going to do it for World Peace and Love and Harmony. By insulting the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, Bruce Springsteen. Yeah Mike. That was a proud moment for the group. You, at the dais, calling out rock stars all in the name of World Peace, Love, and Harmony. I don’t know Mike. Perhaps the reason that Mick Jagger or Bruce Springsteen or Billy Joel won’t play with you is because they think that you’re the biggest jerk in rock music. Maybe you should, oh I don’t know, SUE them too for not wanting to share the same stage with you. That rant pretty much sums up the bug up Mike’s AAAHHH-SS over his perception that he’s not and never has been given his due. And that’s the real reason Mike Love is so bent, so bitter. The fact is that Brian Wilson gets more attention out of playing a handful of shows a year than he does playing hundreds of shows. Mike is bent because Brian Wilson releases three, count em, THREE solo CD’s over the past two years and he can’t get his own solo CD out. Mike is bitter because Brian Wilson is considered to be one of the most influential and pivotal figures in rock history while he’ll be known for being a cranky old, litigation-happy man who prances around the stage, walks like grandma while singing The Little Old Lady From Pasadena, and tells the same, corny, cheesy jokes at every show. It’s not bad enough that the Lovester tried to rewrite Beach Boys history in that ABC movie, he’s now trying to rewrite the history of Smile- “the misappropriation of Mike Love’s songs??” Give me a freakin’ break!

“Here’s what really pisses Mike off- Brian Wilson has SCOREBOARD over Mike Love and he always will.

“As always, I’ve got your emails here on the subject.

Dear BCEW Romey,

I can totally sympathize with Mike Love. *I* was the true genius of CCR, not that hack John Fogerty

Signed,
Tom Fogerty.

“Thank you Surfdude in SoCal. Let’s try another one.

 

Dear BCEW Romey,

Forget George Michael, WHAM! would have been nothing without me.

Signed,
Andrew Ridgeley

“Dave from the ‘Natti. Very good. Okay. One more.

 

BCEW Romey,

Mike Love should be ashamed of himself! Personally I think it’s disgusting when one family member treats another family member in that way.

Signed,
Liam Gallagher

“From J-Mac from C-town. Okay, okay. That’s enough. And Clones? I’m NOT reading the O.J. email. I’m not going there.

 

“I feel bad for Mike Love and the respect and stature he craves in the rock world. In fact, I feel so bad that I think we should organize a benefit concert for him. Let’s call it ‘Rock Against Mike Love.’ They’ll be a giant picture of Mike with a red circle and slash through it at the top of the stage. We’ll bring in celebrities who will do testimonials and ask for monetary donations. I figure we can raise enough money to send Mike to his own personal Elba somewhere out in the middle of the ocean out in the middle of nowhere where we won’t have to watch him prance across the stage, pretend he’s a grandma, or listen to some cheesy jokes from his piehole ever again. And maybe, just maybe, there he’ll finally get the respect and stature he deserves.”

At that moment, a guy wearing a hawaiian shirt and a ball cap jumps into the ring. “Who the hell are you?” BCEW Romey asks. “I’m Beach Guy Mike Louvre. I will not stand for any more slander against the heart, the soul, the true creative genius of the Beach Boys- Mike Love.” The crowd starts to boo. “Oh you know it,” Louvre continues, “Mike Love is the Beach Boys! He’s the voice of the Beach Boys and been touring for decades as the front man of America’s band. Mike Love kept the band alive while that no talent Brian Wilson stayed in bed. He’s on all of the band’s hits and without Mike Love there would be no Beach Boys at all.” More boos. “So all you Brian Wilson apologists can just-” Suddenly, a commotion erupts and Buckland County Police Chief Nick Shavings, a fervently passionate Beach Boy and Brian Wilson fan, jumps into the ring and tasers Beach Guy Mike Louvre. The crowd gives him a standing ovation.

Then BCEW Romey aka Bubba Jackson sets up a table in the middle of the ring and both he and Chief Shavings powerbomb Louvre through the table.

And to add insult to injury, Louvre gets shot in the ass by Ol’ Man Hanson.

Next, BCEW Women’s Champion Candiloosa Ricearoni comes out and wishes everyone a happy Thanksgiving. Then she apologizes for not defending the BCEW Women’s Belt because “there’s no one worthy to wrestle me for it.” Ricearoni then mentions “The Domestic Diva” Martha Stewart who’s “still under house arrest and can’t be here.”

Suddenly, “The Domestic Diva” Martha Stewart, long itching to get her shot at the Women’s champion, rushes down the aisle with Billionaire Don Trump and a deputy sheriff. Stuart holds up a piece of paper with the order that released her from home detention. “Unlock the ankle bracelet!” she commands the deputy, “UNLOCK THE @#@#@$$ ANKLE BRACELET!” The deputy reads it and then unlocks the bracelet. We’ve got a match…

Match #4- BCEW Women’s Champion Candiloosa Ricearoni vs. “The Domestic Diva” Martha Stewart with Billionaire Don Trump
Stuart looked off and very rusty here compared to her usual robust self. Most of this match was a brawl around the building. Ricearoni, irate over the challenge and not expecting a strong effort from Stewart, attacked her with a steel-folding chair and then got ready to pin her. Billionaire Bob Trump came out for the save (and got a big pop). He clubbed Ricearoniaroni with his gold-plated briefcase. Stewart went to cover but then inexplicatively he also turned on Stewart and whacked her in the back with his briefcase. Then he stood over her and said, “YOU’RE FIRED!” and walked out of the ring.

Stewart, furious at Trump’s turn, is the first one up. “You can fire me!” she yells at Trump, “You can cancel my show. But I WILL be the next BCEW Women’s Champion and no one can keep me from my title.”

“That’s what you think,” Ricearoni says from behind. She rolls up Stewart and gets the pinfall to hold on to the title.

********
********
********

 

PCW Rewind- March 2005 Loose Cannons Unleashed

From the archives of year one of PCW, the very first PCW pay per view…

******

“The American Screamer” Howard Dean sticks his head inside the office of Bill and Hillary Clinton. Dean tries to curry favor with the Clintons as he vies for the leadership of the Progressive Alliance. “If I’m in charge,” Dean brags, “I’ll cut through the American Patriots like hot knife through butter! I’ll take on George W. and all of his right-wing cronies.” Dean then ticks off a number of names including “The Texas Hammer” Tom DeLay, Candiloosa Ricearoni, the Bomb Brothers, “Mr. Old School” Don Rumsfeld, “The Mastermind” Karl Rove, and The God Squad of whom he’ll take on. Dean, getting more and more excited as he talks, tells the Clintons, “We’ll fight them in Westville! In Eagle Rock! Fulton! Shady Lake! Southriver! Danville! ALL THE WAY TO ULTIMATE VICTORY!” Dean adds his trademark yell, “YEEEEEE-AAAHHHH!………….what?………right, sir…I’ll tone it down a bit.” Dean backs out of the office. “Make a difference, huh?” he says with a determined scowl on his face, “Oh yeah. I can make a BIG difference. YEEEEEE-AAAHHHHHH!” “HOWARD!” yells an annoyed Bill Clinton from his office. “Right…forgot…sorry…,” Dean apologizes profusely.

The capacity crowd inside Hack’s chants ‘BCEW…BCEW!’ as Johnny Suave stands in the middle of the ring next to his co-host- a life size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. He introduces the ring announcer Charlene Ann Cantrell and she introduces the first match of the night.

Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, and Ann Coulter of the American Patriots vs. Al Franken, Michael Moore, and Janean Garofalo of the Progressive Alliance’s Hollywood Left wing.
“This is a six man tag team grudge match!” she says, “In this corner, representing the American Pa-” Garofalo interrupts her and reminds her that there are two women competing in the match. “I’m not a man,” she states and then points over to Ann Coulter, “and I’m sure the right-wing fascist toothpick over there isn’t a man …and she isn’t much of a woman either.” The match is about to begin when Ann Coulter, the woman who hates the Progressive Alliance so much that she could write book after book after book about how much she hates the Progressive Alliance……and she does, takes the mic from Charlene Ann Cantrell. “What’s the best way to talk to a liberal,” she asks. After a few seconds of awkward silence roll by she answers her own question. “As little as possible.” Coulter laughs heartily at her joke until Garofalo attacks her and starts a catfight. Both women roll around the ring before they tumble out on onto the floor and then scuffle all the way back to the locker room.

Then “The Spinbuster” Bill O’Reilly from the “no spinning zone” takes the mic and rips into the Progressive Alliance for “spouting the same old negative spin.” He begins to analyze the issue in a “fair and balanced” way when he is interrupted by Al Franken- host of “Al Franken presents the “Al Franken Factor Max Factor Factor starring Al Franken.” Franken tells O’Reilly that his “crack” staff consisting of left-wing college professors researched a comment O’Reilly made earlier in the night that he would be out in ‘just a minute’ and determined that because it took more than a minute for O’Reilly to appear that it was indisputable proof that O’Reilly and the American Patriots were nothing more than pathological lying, lying liars. Then the “Innovator of Excellence in Wrestling” Rush Limbaugh, El Rushbo, the Great One, all knowing, all seeing, the MahaRushbie, with talent on loan from Rob, gets into the action. “I’ve been meaning to ask you,” Franken says, “just who the hell is Rob?” “That’s not important,” Limbaugh replies. After trumpeting his research and superior show preparation, Limbaugh claims that Franken has made inaccurate statements about him. “You said, and I quote here, that I was nothing more than a ‘big, fat, obese idiot,” Limbaugh says pointing to his svelte, lean figure, “Well Mr. Franken, for your information everyone can plainly see that I am neither big, fat, or obese. Once again, you are wrong and I am right.” Then Michael Moore gets into the act. He claims that he has indisputable proof that Limbaugh is big, fat, and obese. He then rolls a film clip he calls “Refrigerate 9:11” which consists of a poorly spliced together piece that is awkwardly edited to portray Limbaugh as a hundred times larger than he really is.

Over the loudspeaker, the opening riffs to AC/DC’s “Highway to Hell” blares. Johnny Suave, joined by “The Texas Hammer” Tom DeLay of the American Patriots and Justin Sufferable from the Progressive Alliance, shouts out, “Is that who I think it is?” The crowd cheers as a man with a steel-folding chair runs to the ring. “IT’S DeWAYNE CANTRELL!” Suave yells. DeLay and Sufferable are less than thrilled. “What’s HE doing here,” grouses Sufferable. “Shouldn’t he be out hawking books?” sneers the Texas Hammer, “Isn’t he the so-called star of Loose Cannons of Buckland County? Cantrell climbs inside the ring and walks right up to Bill O’Reilly. *CLANG* Cantrell takes out O’Reilly with the steel-folding chair. *CLANG* Down goes Rush Limbaugh. Justin Sufferable loves every moment of it while DeLay throws a fit. “What the hell is he doing?” he complains. “Why is he only picking on the American Patriots?” Then Cantrell bumps into Al Franken. Franken smiles at Cantrell. Cantrell smiles right back. Awkward pause. Then… *CLANG* “HEY! WHAT’D HE DO THAT FOR?” a surprised Sufferable shouts. Franken staggers across the ring and barrels into Michael Moore. “THAT’S MORE LIKE IT!” crows DeLay. Moore and his large frame then get stuck in the ropes and he can’t get out. Cantrell slowly walks over to him. “Oh no…no…don’t do it.” Sufferable pleads while DeLay encourages Cantrell on. Cantrell winds up. *CLANG* Moore’s torso tips down causing his legs to come up and crotch Al Franken. Franken staggers back across the ring and conks head with Bill O’Reilly. The crowd shouts, “DTC…DTC…” as Moore’s body returns to its original position on the ropes and then they tell Cantrell to do it again. “That’s enough,” Justin Sufferable says, “He can’t move!” Cantrell winds up again and *CLANG*. Moore slides forward through the ropes and lands outside on the concrete floor. “DAMN YOU CANTRELL!” Justin Sufferable shouts. “UNBELIVABLE!” Suave observes from his ringside broadcast position, “DeWayne Cantrell comes in and totally cleans house!” “Oh shut up,” retorts Sufferable.

Green World Order Promo
With a cheap banner for Green World Order hanging behind her, Peta from PETA along with her companion, Doug the Dog, rips into dog owners who chain their pets to a “so-called dog house or worse- chain them to a pole in the back yard.” She makes it clear that PETA will not stand for this “cruel and inhumane” treatment and that dogs aren’t “some piece of disposable clothing” or “toys you throw away when you get tired of them.” “Dogs are people too,” argues Peta, “how would YOU like it if someone chained you up to a small dingy house with only a bowl of water to drink. How would you like it if someone chained you to a pole…well, unless you’re into that kind of thing.” Peta states that a dog’s life is just as important as her life and your life. Doug the dog barks in agreement.

Then she complains about the food that “you savages” feed dogs with, referring to it as “meat-based slop.” Peta recommends several wholesome and vegan alternatives instead. She guarantees that “once the GWO takes over” that all of these “abuses” will stop. “Dogs, cats, and all living things will live harmoniously together. Right Doug?” Again, Doug the dog barks in agreement. Then he takes off.

Peta then comments that her dog is her friend and doesn’t need a leash. “He is free to go wherever he wants to because he is a living, breathing, intelligent creature just like you and-” Suddenly, the sound of screeching tires is heard following by a *THUMP*, then a dog yelping, another *THUMP*, *THUMP*, a dog whimpering, then *THUMP, *THUMP*, *THUMP.* Peta stands there in shock before another *THUMP* is heard. Then she lets out a hideously shrill scream and runs off shouting “MURDERER! STOP THAT CAR!”

Michael Powell segment
With a long, long line of people patiently waiting, Buckland County Sheriff Gina “Gigi” Ramsey is shown signing copies of the book “Loose Cannons of Buckland County” as well as her pictorials, calendars, trading cards, and other assorted items from her souvenir stand. Then Johnny Suave introduces Michael Powell of the FCC. Powell immediately clarifies that he did not get the job at the FCC because of his famous father. “Yeah right,” retorts Suave who enjoys a beverage with the life-size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain next to him. Powell explains that George W. brought him to BCEW to clean up several problems. First Powell notes that there are some people in BCEW who use inappropriate and profane language. Powell pauses as the audience boos. Then Powell states that there were those who display lewd, crude, and deviant behavior. The crowd again expresses its displeasure. Powell goes on to note that there are wrestlers and managers who wear skimpy outfits to the ring. Powell declares, “I have come here to BCEW to lay down the law! It’s time to clean up the moral cesspool that BCEW has become!” The audience stands up in unison and boos. First, Powell states that anyone using inappropriate language on this show will be fined. More boos. Powell then says that anyone who acts inappropriately lewd, crude, or vulgar will also be fined. The audience begins to throw things into the ring. Powell continues: “And if you come out here wearing something too skimpy, too revealing, or otherwise inappropriate-” Someone from the audience yells out “%#@# you!” A furious Powell whips out a little pad and pencil and searches for the offender. The crowd continues to hurl expletives at the embattled Powell who threatens to fine “each and every person in the building.” “I’LL FINE YOU…AND YOU……AND ESPECIALLY YOU!” he shouts over the crowd who by then are chanting “@##$ you Mike-kell, @##@ you! “YOU CAN’T SAY THAT!” Powell bellows and furiously writes down names in his little notepad.

Over the loudspeaker, Christian, religious-type action music plays as the Pious Pair, Reverend James Dobson and his flunky Jerry Falwell aka The God Squad, hit the ring. Immediately Rev. Dobson tells the audience to shut up so he and Falwell can speak. The crowd won’t let him as the “@##$ you” boom throughout the building. Finally, Rev Dobson shouts, “FOR THE LAST TIME YOU GODLESS HEATHENS, SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN!” The boos and chants continue to cascade across the bar. Dobson gives up and yells into the mic, “WE JUST CAME OUT HERE TO SAY THAT THE GOD SQUAD SUPPORTS MICHAEL POWELL AND HIS NOBLE CRUSADE TO RID BCEW OF ALL DECADENCE ONE HUNDRED PERCENT!” Dobson also adds that the “hammer of God” is going to come down on all those who do not clean up their act. As they exit the ring, Dobson points at Johnny Suave and demands that he take down that “cheap piece of cardboard”- referring to the cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. Suave jumps in front of the cut-out and thankfully the next match gets underway.

“No Frills” Chris Escondido vs. Little Paulie of the American Bikers with his father Big Paulie in his corner.
Both men battle back and forth with no one gaining any appreciable advantage. Late in the match, Little Paulie appears to be ready to put Escondido away when inexplicably he gets into an argument with his father Big Paulie. Big Paulie gripes that Little Paulie is taking too much time to put his opponent away. “It’s the same old *bleep*,” Big Paulie grumbles, “If I want something *bleep*-ing done right I’ve got to do it myself!” Big Paulie gets into the ring and argues with Little Paulie in the corner. While the American Bikers are distracted, “The American Screamer” Howard Dean sneaks into the ring and blasts Little Paulie over the head with a crowbar. Little Paulie gets knocked into Big Paulie, Escondido immediately covers Little Paulie for the win.

Backstage, Tim Roemer watches with interest with his manager Nancy “the Attack Poodle” Pelosi. Pelosi advises Roemer that he’d better act fast if he wanted to be the new leader of the Progressive Alliance. Roemer notes that Dean thinks that he can impress the Clintons by being an impact kind of guy. “You know,” Roemer says, “I also can be an impact kind of guy!” “Meaning?” asks Pelosi. Roemer scratches his head. “Meaning…that…I can be an…impact kind of guy too?. What? Did I not say that right or something?”

Johnny Suave introduces a visitor to the broadcast set- Joe “Mr. Smut” Gardner. Gardner goes through his shtick, calling himself the “Quasi-quintessential Smut-muffin” and immediately becomes infatuated with the cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. “Well, well, well,” he says before Suave interrupts him. Gardner responds, “Hey, I’m in character here.” After Suave apologizes, Gardner then reads a special Valentine’s Day poem he wrote: “Roses are red. Violets are blue. Both of which always remind me of you.” “Not too bad,” Suave admits. “Your eyes and your smile. They brighten my day. Like a warm summer breeze that takes me away.” “Hey, that was pretty good too.” Suave says. “Like when the sheets in our bed were moist and wetting. After thirty minutes of heavy-” “All right, that’s enough!” Suave immediately stops him. “Aw come on!” Gardner protests but Suave tells him, “Yeah right. I knew it was too good to be true.”

Annoying Cell Phone Guy vs. Snott Flemmstein
The match is delayed several minutes as Annoying Cell Phone Guy is- talking on his cell phone. Finally, Flemmstein tires of waiting and unleashes a volley of phlegm balls hocked up from his unusually phlegm-filled throat knocking the cell phone out Phone Guy’s hand. Then, Flemmstein covers his opponent in a stream of nasal excretion from his unusually large nostrils and coats Annoying Cell Phone Guy in a cocoon of snot. Phone Guy submits in less than a minute. “That has to be one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever seen, “comments Suave and then adds, “and I’ve seen a lot of disgusting things.” Gardner clears his throat. A huge ball of phlegm drips off Gardner’s chin onto his shirt. “He didn’t get Shania did he?” Suave asks. “No,” Gardner replies as he wipes the phlegm off his shirt.

Backstage, Nancy Pelosi is totally beside herself as Tim Roemer returns. “What are you waiting for?” she implores Roemer. Roemer tells her it wasn’t the right time. “Wasn’t the right time?” Pelosi says, “What do you mean it wasn’t the right time? Tim, we don’t have that much time to-” Pelosi stops and stares as Annoying Cell Phone Guy slowly walks by. He is totally encased in snot, sloshes with every step he takes, and leaves a green and brown trail behind. Phone Guy shakes his cell phone trying to get it to work. “Can you hear me?” he says and then shakes the phone causing more green globs to fly out from inside of it. “Can you hear me now?” Pelosi quickly changes her mind and concurs with Roemer’s decision.

Cooter Farnsworth vs. Rick Spackel
The next match features two men who are huge NASCAR fans. Rick is a big Jeff Gordon fan and comes into the ring waving a huge Jeff Gordon flag. Cooter and many NASCAR firebrands hate Jeff Gordon- with a passion. Therein lies the conflict. The match begins and Cooter immediately rips the flag out of Spackel’s hands. Then he proceeds to repeatedly whap Spackel over the head with the flagpole. Then Cooter wraps the flag around Spackel’s neck and starts to choke him with it. “He is literally choking the life out of Rick Spackel!” Suave observes, “Jeez, I knew these NASCAR types take this seriously but…wow.” Cooter then rolls Spackel over and lifts up the Jeff Gordon flag. “Holy crap!” Suave exclaims, “I think we’re about to have a Deliverance moment! I think he’s going to stick that Jeff Gordon flagpole up Spackel’s-” Suddenly, Tim Roemer races down the aisle and leaps into the ring. He powerbombs Cooter. Then he jumps up onto the ring post and does a 450 flip splashing right on top of Farnsworth. Spackel gets up off the mat, turns Cooter over and tries to stick the Jeff Gordon flagpole up his behind. Roemer stops him and directs him to cover Cooter for the pin. Spackel covers. 1-2-3- match over. “There you have it,” Suave says, “a great come from *behind* victory…yeah, I know…that was bad…a good win for Jeff Gordon fan Rick Spackel.”

Inside “the American Screamer” Howard Dean’s dressing room, Dean watches with a barmaid as Roemer’s interference helps Spackel win the match. “Hmmm, I guess this means Tim Roemer means business! I guess it’s time to make it clear that I mean business too! YEEEEEE-AAAAHHHH!” “OW! My ear!” the barmaid responds. “Sorry…my bad,” Dean profusely apologizes.

Back in the ring, Charlene Ann Cantrell gets ready to introduce Charles Robinson-Richards, Blue State Esq. However, before she can do so, a commotion erupts ringside. A man dressed in a fedora and a trench coat next to some doofus wearing a “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt yells something at Charlene Ann. “REX RANDALL-PRIVATE EYE?” Suave calls out, “what is he doing here?” Suddenly, Charlene Ann reaches over the rope and literally drags Randall by his tie over the top rope into the ring leading to an impromptu match…

Charlene Ann Cantrell vs. Rex Randall, Private Investigator
In the rematch of their memorable scene from the book Loose Cannons of Buckland County, Randall once again clumsily propositions Charlene Ann with a lame pick up line about her being a chocolate sundae and him licking the chocolate syrup off of her. She plants a heeled shoe in his balls and then drills him with a stiff right hand sending Randall reeling to the canvas with no idea what just hit him. Cantrell covers. 1-2-3. Afterwards, Randall tries to shake the cobwebs out while his friend E. Ed Edwards stands over him and says “I told you Mr. Randall, but noooooo, you didn’t have to listen to me didn’t you? Noooo, you had to use that stupid pick up line again about chocolate syrup. That line hasn’t worked the other one hundred thirty-two times-…OOOOF!” Randall crotches Ed with a kick to the nether regions and Ed falls to the canvas.

After the hoopla dies down and both Randall and his sidekick Ed are scraped out of the ring, Charles Robinson-Richards, Blue State Esq. has the microphone. While sipping a cappuccino, he starts off by stating that he detests being in a “red state” where the people are “inbred, ignorant, redneck hicks” and clearly inferior to us enlightened people who live in the blue states. He then goes on to say that it’s a shame that it takes “you people” multiple jobs, working 45-55 hours a week, just to make as much in a year as he makes in one week. The crowd reacts by booing him and flipping him off. Robinson-Richards then says, “Even with that, you still can’t stop buying your cheap beer, your cigarettes, your meth, because you people file bankruptcy more than we do in the blue states.” He goes on to compare the high cultural lifestyle that the blue states have (Shopping at Sachs Fifth Avenue, operas, fine dining, champagne and caviar) vs. the red states (Wal-Mart, Blue Collar Comedy Tour, Hooters, PBR). The crowd really gets riled up when he says that the best thing the federal government could do is to declare what he considers to be flyover country (ie…everything between the west and east coast) a complete disaster area and turn it into a giant national park. Robinson-Richards further inflames the crowd by referring to two Americas: ‘Enlightenedland’- those who voted for John Kerry, ‘Jesusland’- those who voted for George W. Bush. At that point, DeWayne Cantrell appears again out of nowhere and gets a standing ovation after he blasts Robinson-Richards over the head with a steel folding chair. “I guess no one saw that one coming a mile away,” observes Suave.

Next, Suave interviews the Dixie Chucks. The Dixie Chucks are three men who each dress like a member of the Dixie Chicks. There’s Chuck-atalie, Chuck-mily, and Chuck-artie. Suave tells them that it’s been a “long time gone” since they’d last saw the Dixie Chucks and that he had a feeling that they came from “wide open spaces” to be there not because they’re “ready to run,” not because they wanted a “cowboy take me away” kind of thing. “You’re out here because there’s something bothering you,” concludes Suave, “am I right?” Chuck-atalie, not impressed with Suave’s wit, tells him to save it and claims that it is “an injustice what has been done to the Dixie Chicks.” “Oh, ‘there’s your trouble’” cracks Suave. Chuck-mily chimes in, “Free speech means free speech. What has happened to these lovely women is totally against the American way!” He also adds that people may not like what they have to say, “but you don’t have to.” Suave commends them on their noble sentiments. “I presume you’re referring to the recent comments made by Earl Locke of the tag team Locke and Loade about the Dixie Chicks and you would all like to say…oh, I don’t know…perhaps, ‘Goodbye Earl?’” This offends Chuck-artie who tell Suave he doesn’t appreciate his “smart-ass comments” and if he doesn’t stop he’ll take away the cardboard cut-out of “that no-talent singer who doesn’t belong on the same stage, who isn’t remotely in the same league as the Dixie Chicks.” Suave backs away and protects his cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. Chuck-artie points at the audience, “I’m putting you and everyone here in BCEW on notice. Anyone, I repeat, anyone who says anything bad about the Dixie Chicks from now on will answer to us.” Chuck-atalie adds: “That’s right. You say something bad about the Dixie Chicks. The Dixie Chucks are gonna KICK YOUR ASS!”

Suddenly, the opening riffs to Toby Keith’s “How Do You Like Me Now?” blare over the sound system and out comes Earl Locke and Gary Loade aka ‘The Raving Rednecks’ Locke and Loade. Locke comes out carrying a huge picture of Toby Keith and waves it in Chuck-atalie’s face. “WHO’S YOUR DADDY?” he screams, “HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?” “The BIG DOGS are here!” Loade says, “It’s time to Locke and Loade baby, Locke and Loade!” Suave then asks them to respond to the Dixie Chucks. Loade first compliments Suave on the cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. Then he tells the Dixie Chucks: “You come out talking all this tough talk about kicking people’s asses if they insult the Dixie Chicks. Hell the way y’all are dressed, I don’t think you’re in any position to kick anyone’s ass! If anything, we’ll put a boot in your ass cause that’s the Locke and Loade way!” The Dixie Chucks talk trash in return. Locke then speaks up. “Now hold on a sec Gary. I really don’t have that much of a problem with the way these guys are dressed.” “Oh?” a surprised Loade says. “Hell, the way I see it,” Locke continues, “in those outfits these guys look a hell of a lot better than the Dixie Chicks-” Immediately, the Dixie Chuck’s attack Locke and Loade and another impromptu match begins.

The Dixie Chucks vs. “The Raving Rednecks” Locke and Loade.
This is an all out free-for-all. No structure to the match. Basically five people beating the living hell out of each other. Chuck-atalie gets unceremoniously dumped out of the ring and then Chuck-mily is knocked woozy by some double team work by Locke and Loade. Chuck-artie is set up for Locke and Loade’s patented finisher- “The Redneck 4-D Death Blast.” Locke and Loade executes the maneuver to perfection and Chuck-artie is out. Loade covers and then… YEEEEE-AAHHHHH! “The American Screamer” Howard Dean runs in and distracts the referee. While Loade argues with Dean and the referee, Chuck-mily ties up with Locke and keeps him busy. Chuck-atalie sneaks back in the ring with the Toby Keith picture and blasts an unsuspecting Loade with it. Loade is out. Chuck-atalie covers and gets the pin.

Backstage, Nancy Pelosi stews as she watches Dean interfere in the match. “OOOH, that Howard Dean!” she whines, “Tim, are you going to let him one up you like that?” Roemer tells Pelosi that the leadership of the Progressive Alliance is important and prestigious and that Dean was obviously serious about showing the Clantons that “he can be the man.” Roemer adds, “I need to be able to show everyone that I can be ‘the man’ as well.” Again, Pelosi responds, “Meaning?” “Meaning…that…I can be…the man too?” replies Roemer, “Look. Am I not making myself clear here?”

Martha Stewart Returns
Domestic Diva Martha Stewart gets released from the Buckland County Jail. She comes out of the jail looking in excellent shape and wearing a ridiculous looking shawl. She proceeds to complain about being cooped up for five long months. Stewart states that “they tried to break me” and tried to keep busy by doing a couple of side projects to keep her mind active in a “neat and tidy” fashion.

After recognizing that there was only so much she could do with bedsheets and toilet papers (the doilies kept falling apart), a bored Stewart states she found a new outlet to keep busy. She rolls up her sleeves and shows off her impressively muscular arm. “Look at these guns,” Martha proclaims, “I’m ripped baby. I already had the brains but now I’ve got the brawn to back it up!” She then issues an open challenge to the BCEW women’s champion- Candiloosa Ricearoni. “You’ve got what I want,” Stewart declares, “that belt belongs to me and I will do anything, I repeat, ANYTHING to get it back.” Stewart then whips around and slides down the back of her shirt to reveal a Max Cady-like tattoo of a cRush on her back with the inscription “Hell hath no fury as a pissed off domestic diva” written around it. “And if you thought I was a cold calculating bitch before,” Martha hisses, “guess what? I’m about to take it to a whole…new…level.”

At that point a Buckland County Deputy slaps an electronic monitoring device on Stewart’s ankle. “The only whole new level you’ll be seeing in the next five months is the upstairs of your house. You’re under house arrest toots. That’s the condition of your parole.”

Enraged, Stewart lets off a few colorfully tinged adjectives and expletives as the Deputy drags her off to her waiting car to take the Domestic Diva home.

Special Appearance by Spongebob Squarepants
Back at the ring, Johnny Suave introduces lovable children’s cartoon character Spongebob Squarepants (or more accurately- some schlep dressed up in a Spongebob Squarepants costume). As everyone sings the Spongebob theme song, admit it-you all know it-(sing to the tune of the Spongebob theme song): Whoooo, lives in the ocean so far down below/SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS/His neighbor’s a squid and he simply blows/SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS/His boss is a weenie and Sandy kicks ass/SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS/His best friend’s a shellfish who likes to pass gas/SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS..- the God Squad’s Reverend James Dobson comes in and blasts Spongebob from behind. “WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING?” a shocked Suave says. The Rev. Dobson takes a brief moment from pummeling the helpless cartoon character and warns him to knock it off. “JESUS CHRIST!” Suave exclaims, “WHY IS HE BEATING UP ON A FREAKIN’ CHILDREN’S CARTOON CHARACTER!” Dobson looks Suave in the eye and tells him to out of the ring now. Suave yells back, “***DAMMIT! THIS ISN’T RIGHT!” “SUAVE!” “Leaving now.” Suave quickly exits stage right.

Rev. Dobson then gets on the microphone and asks, “Does anyone here know Spongebob?” After the crowd begins to boo he continues, “you may think this…this so-called character is harmless. But he’s not. Spongebob is another insidious plot hatched by people who want to promote alternative lifestyles by manipulating and brainwashing our children!” “I think the Reverend needs to get his medication checked,” shoots back Suave back at his broadcast position. Spongebob stirs briefly before a quick boot to the head by Dobson puts him back down. “THAT’S UNCALLED FOR!” screams Suave. Dobson begins to taunt Spongebob. “Come on! Get up!” He slaps him in the face. “Come on! Where’s your little friend? You know, the one you hold hands with?” Suave looks sick. “Someone please stop this.” The crowd stirs and a sound effect of someone farting comes over the loudspeakers. Suddenly, Patrick the Flatulating Shellfish (or more accurately-someone dressed up in a costume) appears. “That’s right!” Dobson sneers, “get in the ring! Come save your friend!” The Shellfish hesitates before climbing up the ropes. Then he takes the head of his costume off. “IT’S TIM ROEMER!” Suave exclaims. Dobson’s jaw drops as Roemer tosses the head aside and gets into the ring. A stunned Dobson takes a few retreating steps before tripping over the prone Spongebob and falls backwards onto the canvas. Roemer then backs up to Dobson and puts his rear to his face. “OH NO!” Suave says, “HE’S NOT GOING TO-” The farting sound effect plays again. “HOLY CRAP!”

Backstage, “The American Screamer” Howard Dean is seething again after being upstaged again by Tim Roemer. He shakes his finger at the monitor and says, “THIS ISN’T OVER YET!” Then he lets out his trademark scream “YEEEEEEE-AAAAAAHHHH!” and skulks off.

We return to ringside where Johnny Suave appears to be in deep conversation with the Shania Twain cardboard cut-out. Suave turns beet red when he realizes he’s on camera. Suave quickly brings out the BCEW women’s champion Candiloosa Ricearoni to discuss comments about her made by the Progressive Alliance’s Barbara Boxer including accusing the women’s champion of lying, distorting the facts, and most egregiously, being a lousy dresser.

Ricearoni comes out dressed all in black with a black skirt that hits just above the knee and a black coat with seven gold buttons in the front that resembled something that Keanu Reeves would wear in the movie “The Matrix. Looking very serious, she addresses Boxer, “Barbara Boxer, you can challenge my credibility,” she says walking to one end of the ring. “You can even attack my honesty,” she says pacing to the other side of the ring. “I’ll even let you question my intregrity.” She stops in the middle of the ring and points at the crowd. “But when you attacked my keen sense of fashion- you went too far. You cRushed the line and now you’re going to pay!” The crowd cheers as she calls out Boxer, “So get your *** down here because Candiloosa 3:16, 17, and 18 says that I’m going to stick these four inch heels so far up your ****** *** that you won’t be able to **** ****** for two weeks!” “WOW,” a very surprised Suave says, “she’s stone…cold…serious.” Boxer immediately flies into the ring and launches herself at Ricearoni and its on.

BCEW Women’s Champion Candiloosa Ricearoni vs. Barbara Boxer
Both women roll around the ring trying to gain an advantage. Then “The Texas Hammer” Tom DeLay and his flunky Dennis “The Doughboy” Hastert show up. They get into the ring and surround Boxer as another man shows up ringside- pointing his finger at his temple to signify his superior intellect. “The Mastermind Karl Rove?” Suave says, “It’s a trap. This was all a set up!” Boxer has nowhere to go when help arrives. Both Howard Dean and Tim Roemer run out to help their Progressive Alliance colleague and literally meet each other in the middle of the ring. At that point, DeLay, Hastert, and Ricearoni bail out of the ring leaving the two men who both desperately want to lead the Progressive Alliance nose to nose. The Mastermind Karl Rove smiles as he walks backwards towards the dressing room- still pointing to his temple to show everyone what a freakin’ genius he is.

Dean pushes Roemer. Roemer pushes Dean. It looks like they are about to have at it when the entire roster of the Progressive Alliance led by Bill Clinton swarm the ring and break the two men up.

In George W.’s office, both W. and his aide de camp Dick are amused at the whole thing. Dick hands W. his speech for the State of BCEW address he is about to give. “Thanks,” an appreciative W. says to Dick, “I sure don’t know what I’d do without you.” “That’s okay,” Dick returns, “I know in a Star Wars sense that I’m your Lobot and you’re my Lando Calrissian.” W. looks totally confused. “Lando who?” “Ah, nevermind.” Dick says, ‘just go out and give your speech.”

George W’s “State of BCEW” address.
A ragtag, out of tune mariachi band plays a hideously off-key version of “Hail to the Chief” as George W. slowly walks down the aisle. W. cringes every time the band hits a particularly sour note. The entire roster gathers around the ring. The Progressive Alliance hang out on the left side of the ring (of course) and look on in stony silence. The American Patriots stand to the right and they are ecstatically happy. Everyone else co-mingles in the middle, half heartedly clapping.

W. climbs into the ring and walks to the podium. “Ladies and gentlemen, I can proudly say without any reservation that the state of BCEW is strong!” W. declares. “For a small, disparate group several notches below the Professional Wrestling Association, we’ve had a pretty good year. But now we are poised to do even better.” A projection screen comes down behind W. “BCEW is well-positioned with a great and worthy men’s champion to be our flagship and signature wrestler- Rafael Barry Giambee! It’s hard to believe that two years ago, he looked like this.” The ‘before’ photo of Giambee appears on the screen. He is 6’-2” and weighs a scant 175. “Now look at him,” continues W. The ‘after’ photo then appears. Giambee is now 6’-3” and over 350 pounds. The crowd chants “ROIDS! ROIDS! ROIDS!” which enrages the man monster. Giambee growls menacingly back to the audience. “Easy pardner,” W. says and then tries to calm the crowd down, “Rafael Barry Giambee should be an inspiration to us all. The way he has worked his way up the ladder and to be the-” “Point of order,” a snobbish, northeastern voice calls out. It’s the Massachusetts Blueblood- JFK!” observes Suave. “Point of order Mr. CEO,” JFK continues, “if what you say is true then I must submit to you that the true measure of a great champion is taking on the best of the best and besting them…or something to that effect.” “What’s your point?” an annoyed W. asks. “When was the last time Mr. Giambee defended the BCEW title?” JFK asks. A few seconds of silence goes by and then many people in the audience begin to ask the same thing. “How about Justin Sufferable?” JFK says, “he deserves a shot. What about Chris Escondido? Doesn’t he deserve his chance too?” The crowd begins to side with the Massachusetts Blueblood making W. very uncomfortable. “Well, why not tonight?” JFK continues, “what do you all think?” The crowd roars with delight. “Well Mr. CEO,” JFK says, “are you going to give the people what they want?” W. bites his lower lip nervously. “Bring your boys out here in ten minutes,” he says and then walks out of the ring.

Chris Escondido, Justin Sufferable, and JFK exchange high fives in the ring.

Back in W’s office after the speech, W. stomps in very upset at the intrusion of his State of BCEW address. Dick and the Mastermind Karl Rove confer and then address the problem. “Mr. CEO, not to worry,” Dick says reassuringly, “we’ve got everything under control.” Dick then whispers into W’s ear. W’s frown quickly turns into a big smile. “That’s very good,” W says and begins to laugh in his offbeat Texan way while Karl Rove again points his finger at his temple to remind us that he’s a friggin’ genius.

Green World Order vs. The Bomb Brothers with Daisy Cutter Bomb
In the ring, the Green World Order (the Vengeful Vegan Brock Cole Lee and the Peaceniks) observes the passing of the 2nd anniversary of the Iraqi war by having a moment of silence. During the moment of silence, Peacenik #1 rants about the “lives lost in this unjust and illegal war” and demands that the United States “bring the troops home now.” The sound of an explosion blares over the loudspeakers and the very well-endowed and scantily dressed Daisy Cutter-Bomb leads the Bomb Brothers (A. Tom Bomb, Newt Tron-Bomb, and Hy Drogen-Bomb) down the aisle to the ring. A. Tom holds up a placard with a picture of President Bush holding up a can of whup-ass with the caption “Y’all don’t mind if I open up a can of this?” The GWO becomes irate at the placard and Peacenik #2 screeches at them, “How dare you interrupt our solemn moment of silence.” “Let’s just say that we’ve come out here to peacefully and non-violently kick your ass!” retorts Newt. “THAT’S IT!” a voice booms. It’s Michael Powell of the FCC and he looks angry. “Jeez, what the hell does he want now,” Suave says. Powell marches to the ring and proceeds to read everyone the riot act. Powell objects to the language, Daisy Cutter-Bomb’s outfit, and whips out his little pad and pencil to begin to write people up. “NOT SO ******* FAST!” another voice calls out. Powell looks up and is stunned to see his arch-enemy- the Sultan of Shock himself- Howard Stearns. They begin to jaw back and forth. Powell tries to uphold “dignity” and “values.” Everything that Stearns says in return is bleeped and censored. Finally Stearns says something that gets Powell’s attention. “What do you mean ‘you’re getting Sirius?” Powell asks. Suddenly the SRB appears next to Stearns. “IT’S THE SKANKY RICH BIMBOS!” Suave cries out, “PARIS HILTON AND NICOLE RICHIE HAVE JOINED FORCES WITH THE SULTAN OF SHOCK!” The crowd begins to chant, “she’s a crack whore…she’s a crack whore…” Paris responds. “You all are just jealous. Because *we* sizzle. You……ah……you…” Stearns whispers something in her ear. “…right…you *fizzle*.” Hilton and Richie get into the ring to confront Powell. Suddenly, Richie goes for her signature move and pulls her top off. “WARDROBE MALFUNCTION!” Suave yells, “WARDROBE MALFUNCTION!” While Powell is stunned, Hilton leaps on him and knocks him down into the corner of the ring. Then she puts her crotch in Powell’s face and does a “bronco buster” type wrestling move on him. “COOTCHIE CUTTER!” screams Suave in a high-pitched voice, “COOTCHIE CUTTER!” Then Suave throws up. “Oooh man. That has got to be the most vile, digusting move I have ever seen!” He then adds, “And I’ve seen a lot of them.” Powell is out in the ring. Meanwhile, the GWO and the Bomb Brothers go at it on the outside. Then the pious pair, the God Squad- Rev. Dobson and Jerry Falwell- hits the ring and attacks the SRB. Richie is knocked out and falls face first onto the canvas. The crowd boos. Rev. Dobson then bends Paris over his knee while Falwell gets ready to spank her. The crowd cheers. A lot. A tall guy with long hair bursts in and clobbers Falwell. The crowd boos again. “IT’S UNIVERSITY OF COLORADO PROFESSOR WARD CHURCHILL!” Suave exclaims. Churchill sends Rev. Dobson flying over the top rope and then takes the mic. “YOU SUCK,” he shouts at the God Squad, “AND YOU SUCK,” he shouts at the Bomb brothers, “AND YOU ALL SUCK,” he shouts and points at the crowd. “You know why 9/11 occurred? Because AMERICA SUCKS, that’s wh-” Out of nowhere, DeWayne Cantrell blasts Churchill from behind and knocks him forward into the arms of a six foot tall demolition machine in a short skirt. “THAT’S DAWN McGILL!” Suave says excitedly, “BUT SHE’S WITH THE PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING ASSOCIATION! WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING HERE?” McGill drills Churchill in the balls where her six inch spiked heels. Then Cantrell delivers the coup de gras with a steel-folding chair shot across Church-Hill’s back. “Geez what is this,” Suave rhetorically asks as Churchill goes flying out of the ring, “Loose Cannons of Buckland County reunion night?”

Finally, the Massachusetts Blueblood JFK comes out with Justin Sufferable and Chris Escondido and meets George W. in the ring. “No Rafael Barry Giambee,” Johnny Suave observes, “I wonder what’s going on.” So does JFK. “Where’s the champion?” he demands to know. “Hold on a sec,” W responds, “yes, I promised there would be a title defense tonight. And there will be.” W. pauses to let the crowd cheer. “But since I’m a compassionatery kinda guy, I thought we’d do something different. Like…I don’t know…give YOU the title shot tonight!” Everyone stands up and cheers as JFK is taken aback. “WOW! I didn’t expect THAT!” says Suave, “Justin Sufferable and Chris Escondido are pissed!” The duo stalks angrily back and forth across the ring. W. continues: “And if you going to go for the gusto, why waste your one and only opportunity to be world champion on an insignificant BCEW title belt.” “Huh?” a confused Suave says, “what does he mean?” W. gets his trademark smirk on. “JFK. I think you can do better than that. In the spirit of my “no wrestler left behind” program, I’m giving you’re the chance of a lifetime. You’re going to wrestle for the PWA world championship!” A heavy metal riff suddenly blares over the sound system and the place explodes. “HOLY CRAP!” shouts Johnny Suave, “THAT CAN’T BE WHO I THINK IT IS?” JFK looks confused as the enthused crowd starts to sing to the theme music, “WORK! SWEAT! PERSPIRE! WORK-SWEAT-PERSPIRE!” “HE’S NOT REALLY HERE- IS HE?” Suave asks. The crowd goes nuts when two figures appear at the entrance. Suave gushes, “HOLY CRAP! HE’S HERE! HE’S HERE! IT’S RON CLAUDE VAN DAMMIT. RCVD IS HERE!” “WORK! SWEAT! PERSPIRE! WORK-SWEAT-PERSPIRE!” chants the crowd as the six foot tall demolition machine in a short skirt Dawn McGill leads RCVD to the ring. JFK looks stunned when he gets his first good look at Van Dammit. RCVD is cut, chiseled, and a complete physical specimen- a total wrestling machine. Justin Sufferable and Chris Escondido quickly bail out of the ring and run right over to Johnny Suave’s broadcast position. JFK is left all alone. “HE CAN’T WRESTLE HIM!” Sufferable complains as RCVD jumps into the ring. “HE’S A REAL FAKE WRESTLER!” “RCVD is the hardest working guy in pro wrestling,” Suave gushes, “He is the ABSOLUTE FREAKIN’ SHOW!” Van Dammit warms up by doing leg splits and various martial art leaping kicks. JFK mouths “Oh…my…God” as the bell rings.

“The Absolute Whole Freakin’ Show” Ron-Claude Van Dammit with Dawn McGill vs. The Massachusetts Blueblood JFK
RCVD defeats the Massachusetts Blueblood in fourteen seconds.

JFK lies in pain on the floor and mumbles incoherently, “Aye…aye…aye…” “THIS IS NOT RIGHT!” whines Chris Escondido, “IT’S A TRAVESTY! A COMPLETE TRAVESTY!” A disgusted Justin Sufferable huffs: “YEAH! MARK MY WORDS! SOMEONE IS GOING TO PAY FOR THIS! ”

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PCW Update and Flashback to Loose Cannons Unleashed 2006

Despite Hillary Clinton’s protest, it’s official for next months PCW Loose Cannons Unleashed 4.  PCW champion Starz N. Stripes with John McCain in his corner will defend the title against the ‘New Rookie Sensation’ O’Beck Bahama, seconded by Barack Obama.

 

No PCW Extreme Political TV this week. 

In the meantime, here’s a excerpt from the new novel Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction that’s based directly from a 2006 match at BCEW Loose Cannons 2 pay per view.  Enjoy. 

———

33. The Big Swerve
“Well folks, they’re back and they’re not ready to make nice,” Suave announced as the Dixie Chucks headed for the ring. “It’s the Dixie Chucks and it looks like they want to air more of their grievances.”

The audience greeted the trio with the usual chorus of boos.

Chuck-atalie grabbed the microphone. “Shut the hell up!” he bellowed, acting as if he was struggling to control his anger. “You all are just a bunch of ignorant haters!”

“Yeah. There’s one way to get them on your side,” quipped Suave.

“You’re all no better than the jerks that sent the death threats to the Dixie Chicks.”

Chuck-artie spoke next. “Like we said before…you don’t have to like what they have to say but those women still have the right to speak their mind!”

Then Chuck-mily stepped up and added, “It’s a &#$#-ing injustice what’s happened to the Dixie Chicks.”

“Go buy their new CD!” chimed in Chuck-atalie. “It rocks!”

“That’s right,” Chuck-artie added. “If you don’t like the new CD, then you can all kiss our asses!”

And with that, the Dixie Chucks climbed back out of the ring.

“Strong words from the Dixie Chucks!” Suave said. “And I have to say that I agree with them about the way the Dixie Chicks was treated. Death threats? I mean, come on. This IS America, yes?”

“I object to that!” shouted some guy wearing a big ‘News Bluster’ t-shirt. He ran across the stage and parked himself next to Suave.

“And who the hell are you?”

“I am News Bluster!” the man replied. “I run a right-wing blog where every day I take on left-wing media bias!”

“And I guess you’re implying that I am somehow biased?”

“Well, yes! It’s a well know fact that the left wing have always used their sympathizers in the news media to further their extreme liberal agenda.”

“But we’re not talking about the extreme left-wing agenda,” argued Suave. “We’re talking about a music group receiving death threats just for speaking their mind! I think that’s wrong!”

“So you agree with the Dixie Chicks! SEE! I KNEW you were biased!”

“That’s ridiculous-” Toby Keith’s “How Do You Like Me Now?” interrupted Suave mid-sentence. “Hold on, I believe the Dixie Chuck’s arch-enemies, Locke and Loade, are coming out to respond.”

Earl Locke and Gary Loade came from the back with microphones in hand and met the Dixie Chucks halfway between the side stage door and the ring.

“Now hold on a second, pardner,” Locke said to the departing Dixie Chucks. “Now I appreciate y’all sticking up for the Dixie Chicks and such. But isn’t free speech a two way street!” Locke turned to the crowd. “Am I right?”

The crowd agreed.

Loade took the microphone. “So, if the Chicks have the right to speak their peace, don’t the people who disagree with them have a right to speak their peace, too?”

“Well? Yeah. I guess that makes sense,” Suave admitted.

“Death threats aside, and we all agree that’s just plain wrong, it seems to me that if the Chicks are going to rip on people then they’d better be prepared to be ripped on in return,” Loade opined.

Suave nodded his head. “Okay. That sounds reasonable.”

“Freedom of speech doesn’t guarantee freedom from the consequences,” Locke interjected.

“Wow. That was pretty articulate and, well, almost out of character.”

“HOLD IT!” another voice shouted. Another man came out from the back. This gentleman wore a ‘Media Muckers for America’ t-shirt.

“Who are you?” Suave asked.

“I am Media Muckers for America,” the man said, “I run a left-wing blog who fights right-wing lies. I object to the fact that you are allowing the right wing to spew propaganda on your airwaves!”

“And how is that…” Suave snapped his fingers. “No wait, I’ve got it. Just because I agreed with something that Locke and Loade said, in your eyes it constitutes some kind of conservative bias on my part…right?”

“You’re helping to push their extreme right-wing agenda by agreeing with their statement! We at Media Muckers for America simply can’t stand for that!”

“Again, I simply agreed with a point that was made!”

“The right-wing and the religious right are trying to force their views onto all of us!”

“Well, yeah, that may be the case. But that has nothing to do with my opinion of Locke and Loade’s take.”

“BIASED!” screeched Media Muckers for America. “YOU’RE BIASED!”

“Oh, bite me!” snapped Suave. “Let’s back to the ring! It looks like it’s time for the Progressive Alliance’s Justin Sufferable to get his shot at the BCEW title!”

“I OBJECT!” shouted News Bluster. “You’re inferring that the Progressive Alliance deserves to get this title shot and that’s biased against the American Patriots!”

Suave shot News Bluster a nasty glare. “And it appears the CEO of BCEW is coming out. I can tell because there’s always that God-awful mariachi band leading the way.”

W indeed was going again to the ring. Following the rag-tag mariachi band playing “Hail to the Chief” excruciatingly off key, W, his aide de camp Dick, and Carl “The Mastermind” Rowe all convoyed to the ring. Waiting impatiently, Justin Sufferable warmed up in one of the corners. He stretched his legs and back and bounced off the ring ropes a couple times. Sufferable was focused, primed, and ready.

W took the microphone from Earl Fletcher. Dick and the Mastermind took up positions behind him.

“I’m afraid that I some bad news to announce,” W said solemnly. “BCEW champion Rafael Barry Gambee-”

“ROIDS!” shouted the crowd.

“Knew that was coming,” quipped Suave.

“As I was saying, the champion…” W then went out of his way not to say his name. “…you know…who…has suffered an injury and will not be able to defend the title tonight.”

“What?” exclaimed Suave.

“You should say that he’s lying!” Media Muckers for America said. “Because everyone knows the right-wing lies!”

“How do you know that the champion is not injured?”

“See! You’re biased!”

“Justin Sufferable is pissed,” announced Suave, trying to move the commentary back to the action in the ring. “And he has every right to be!”

“Now you’re reading the talking points of the left wing extremists!” claimed News Bluster.

“No I’m not! I’m calling the action as I see it! And the way I see it, Justin Sufferable has every right in the world to be upset!”

“I object to you using the term right,” Media Muckers for America barked in Suave’s ear. “It alludes that the conservatives and American Patriots are-”

“THAT’S IT! I’VE HAD IT WITH YOU TWO.” Suave jumped up and grabbed both Media Muckers for America and News Bluster by the hair. Forcefully, he slammed their heads together…

*BONK*

…and knocked them both out.

Suave looked down at his handiwork. “There,” he said, looking very satisfied. “Much better.”

Inside the ring, the situation looked bleak for Justin Sufferable as he found himself completely surrounded by the American Patriots. A. Tom Bomb, aka A-Bomb, was on one side. Hy Drogen Bomb or H-Bomb faced Justin. ‘Silent but Deadly’ Newt Tron Bomb, aka N-Bomb, stood behind Sufferable. Dick and ‘The Mastermind’ Carl Rowe blocked any other escape route.

“This doesn’t look good!” Suave stated.

The Mastermind pointed a finger at his temple to again remind everyone just what a freakin’ genius he was. With Sufferable distracted by The Mastermind, A-Bomb launched himself at him and it was on. A-Bomb, H-Bomb, and N-Bomb stomped away at Sufferable while Dick and ‘The Mastermind’ cheered them. A-Bomb picked Sufferable up and slammed him hard to the canvas.

“HOLY CRAP! ATOMIC POWER BOMB!” shrieked Suave.

H-Bomb kept stomping away along with N-Bomb. A-Bomb pulled Sufferable back up and held him upright.

“Oh, I don’t like this!” Suave said.

“See,” a weak voice mumbled from the floor. “You’re-”

“Shut up!” said Suave as he stomped on News Bluster’s back. “They’re holding up Sufferable. Why are A-Bomb and N-Bomb putting on gas masks………oh, oh.”

Newt Tron Bomb turned his back on Sufferable and backed up his rear end into his face.

“Aw, man, he’s going for…oh-…oh my God! That smell- SILENT BUT DEADLY! SILENT BUT DEADLY! Geez…”

Overcome by the noxious fumes, Sufferable crumpled to the canvas.

Over the loudspeaker, the opening notes to the Fleetwood Mac classic “Don’t Stop” began to play.

“Wait a minute!” Suave excitedly said. “I know that song.”

A man dressed in a flannel shirt, holding a mocha in one hand and a Singapore cane in the other, stepped out of the shadows in the back.

“And I know that guy!” Suave added. “HE’S BACK!”

The crowd merrily sang along to the Fleetwood Mac song as the man dressed in flannel started towards the stage. In the ring, all three Bomb Brothers stopped assaulting Justin Sufferable to see who was causing the commotion.

“IT’S THE TREE HUGGIN’, MOCHA CHUGGIN,’ TOBACCO COMPANY BUGGIN,’ INSANE SINGAPORE CANE SWINGING ALPHA MALE AND EXTREME ENVIRONMENTAL HARDCORE ICON- AL GOHR!”

As the sing along continued, Gohr held up his mocha, contained inside an environmentally friendly biodegradable cup of course, and chugged it down. Gohr crushed the paper cup on his forehead in an alpha manly fashion. Gohr then spewed the mocha out of his mouth like a geyser going off and sprayed several tables in close proximity.

“Look at the expression on Dick’s face!” Suave commented. Dick’s eyes bulged out and what little hair on his head stood up straight.

Gohr moved up to the head of the stage and turned around to face the crowd. He pulled out another cup of mocha and held it high in the air. Again, Gohr chugged down the mocha, crushed the container against his forehead, and spit the mocha onto several tables. He jumped on stage without using the steps and advanced on the American Patriots inside the ring. Like most of the wrestlers who came out to confront someone, Gohr carried a microphone with him.

“You know, the Earth may someday cross the line of no return and suffer the devastating effects of global warming,” Gohr said, pointing at W. “But the inconvenient truth tonight is that you, W, have crossed the line!”

W mumbled something unintelligible back to the Extreme Environmental Hardcore Icon.

“You’ve gone too far. You see W. I know why the BCEW champion can’t wrestle tonight,” Gohr calmly continued. “The real reason the champ isn’t here is because he dropped dead from abusing steroids and right now is hanging up in the freezer here at Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon!”

“HOLY CRAP!” Suave said. “THE CHAMP IS DEAD?”

W’s eyes were ablaze with fury.

“That is categorically not true!” he indignantly responded. W turned to his aide de camp. “Dick! Tell them it’s not true.”

Dick hemmed, hawed, and generally avoided answering the question.

Gohr pulled out a remote control from his back pocket. “Don’t believe me? That’s okay.” He pointed over to the big screen TV just off to the side of the ring. “Watch this.”

“I have a feeling I’m not going to like this,” an increasingly nauseous Carolanne Wilson muttered.

“Well,” Trevor said, “I guess it depends how far they decide to take it.”

The big screen TV blipped on. A waitress carrying a tray back in the kitchen area opened up the freezer door.

“AIIEEEEEEEEEE!”

Her high-pitched scream pierced the air. The waitress let go of her tray and it plummeted to the ground. Beer mugs and bottles shattered all over the floor. Her eyes rolled up into the back of head. She let out a gasp and suddenly fainted. When the waitress fell out of the shot, through the open door very clearly was the icicle covered, blue skinned, frozen body of BCEW champion Rafael Barry Gambee.

Carolanne covered her eyes. “Yep, I was right.”

———

J.D. Elder’s new novel Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction features BCEW/PCW and several characters in the story. Check out this funny and occasionally biting satire at:
http://www.bucklandcounty.com/
Lulu.com
Barnes and Noble
Borders
Books A Million

…or order it direct from: Prairie Depot Press
P.O. Box 25
Wauseon, Ohio 43567

Official Press Release from Prairie Depot Press

Prairie Depot Press- Adventures in Low Budget, Small Time Book Publishing

BCEW is online at:
WordPress
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