PCW Rewind: Joe Leiberman (I)

As you know, Joe Leiberman announced that he is retiring from the PCW Executive Committee when his term comes up in 2012.

PCW now takes you back to, perhaps, what is Leiberman’s great triumph.  Overcoming the odds in holding on to his Executive Committee position in 2006.  Let’s go back…

September 17th, 2006 PCW Lock and Load PPV

NED LAMONT SEGMENT
Ned Lamont and his Bloggers, Media Matters for America, Eric Alterman, and The Daily Kos come to the ring and Lamond has something to say. Except when Lamond starts to talk. The Daily Kos interrupts and steps in. He gloats and dances and says that the prodigal sons, the messiahs, the saviors of the Democrats have arrived at Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon. Eric Alterman asks the PCW fans if they realize that they are part of history tonight. They have come together and are part of a history making moment. To celebrate Lamont’s historic victory over Joe Leiberman. With all humility, Daily Kos wants to thank himself and Media Matters and Alterman, for this achievement. The crowd doesn’t share his sentiment. Daily Kos tells the fans ‘screw you.’ He and his bloggers know better than the ignorant fans does. “Lamont compromised with the extreme elements of the Democrats!” Suave says. Lamont actually starts to open his mouth to say something but gets interrupted. “We are going to end the reign of the Republicans,” Daily Kos declares. “Our first step was to take on a legend in Joe Leiberman,” Alterman adds, “and we kicked his ass all over the ring!” For that, Alterman tells the audience ‘You’re welcome’ for their hard work and his ingenuity. This is our night.

“That’s a hell of a story,” an older folksy voice says from the back. “IT’S JOE LEIBERMAN!” exclaims Suave. Lamont starts to talk but Media Matters jumps in and tells him that if he makes one more step to the ring, they will kick his ass again. “You’re done,” sneers Eric Alterman, “go back to Connecticut old man before we embarrass you again. By collaborating with the Republicans in the name of co-operation, you’ve sold the Democrats down the river.”

“That’s funny, the part about you kicking my ass,” Leiberman responds. Let’s watch what really happened:

MATCH #1- REPLAY OF NED LAMONT VS. JOE LEIBERMAN- PCW SPECIAL EVENT IN HARTFORD, CONNECTICUT
It’s late in the match and Leiberman and Lamont have been through a war. As Lamont goes for a spear, Leiberman trips him up with a drop toe hold and locks on the abdominal stretch. The Bloggers then make a move to intervene. Behind Leiberman, Daily Kos slips in the ring wearing brass knuckles. Eric Alterman and Media Matters distracts Leiberman and Daily Kos nails him with the brass knucks. Media Matters rolls Leiberman over and points Lamont to make the cover.

“Oh yeah,” Leiberman says, “you kicked my ass after your goons slipped you those brass knuckles.” Media Matters dismisses Leiberman as yesterday’s news. “You know, I’d actually love to hear Lamond talk for himself.” Sauve opines. “Come on out Howard,” Daily Kos says. “YEEEEEE-AHHHH!” The American Screamer Howard Dean comes out. Dean tells Leiberman that he appreciates his years of service to the Democrats but after what happened in Hartford he has no choice but endorse Lamont. Lamont grins. “It’s time for you stand down,” he says. Leiberman tells Dean and Lamont he’s not quitting quite yet. “I’m sure all of my ‘Joe-aholics’ out there will stand with me. If the Democrats doesn’t want me, than I have no other choice but to become an independent!” The crowd goes wild while Lamont and the Bloggers are furious. Daily Kos sputters that the Bloggers didn’t care about the so-called Joe-acholics. Leiberman lost and if he doesn’t want to go away gracefully, they’ll have to take it to the extreme one more time on him. Media Matters jumps out of the ring with other Bloggers right behind and confronts Leiberman. “THAT’S FOUR AGAINST ONE!” Suave says, “LEIBERMAN’S A SITTING DUCK!”

A huge explosion SFX. Through the smoke comes A. Tom Bomb (A-Bomb), Hy Drogen Bomb (H-Bomb), “Silent But Deadly” Newt Tron Bomb, led by their well-endowed sister Daisy Cutter Bomb. Eric Alterman immediately accuses Leiberman of switching to the Republicans. “Which you were an honorary member of anyways,” Media Matters adds. A- Bomb responds. He’s tired of not being supported by the Republicans. He’s tired of the politics of George W, Dick- his aide de camp, and The Mastermind Karl Rove. He’s tired of getting screwed over. “Screw the Republicans!” A-Bomb declares, “as of this moment the Bomb Family are also becoming independents.” “HOLY CRAP!” Suave exclaims, “HE’S SWITCHING SIDES!” H-Bomb then tells Leiberman than the Bomb Brothers have his back.

October 26th, 2006- PCW Extreme Political TV

Joe Leiberman Promo
Leiberman states that as his big match at PCW Extreme Election Night with the Democrat’s Ned Lamont gets closer, it’s clear that the ‘joe-mentum’ is on his side. He says that he feels ‘joe-rrific’ and Lamont, Daily Kos, Eric Alterman, Media Matters For America, and even that hideous Arianna Huffing-puff…Stuffenpuff… Someone whispers in Joe’s ear. “Oh, Huffington. They can all just kiss my ass,” Leiberman says. “It doesn’t matter what they say because it’s clear the people, my ‘joe-coholics,’ are behind me. From behind, Ned Lamont blindsides Leiberman from behind. “You’re just a member of the Republican in Independent clothing.” Then Alan “Mr. Irrelevant” Schlesinger comes out and stomps on Leiberman. “No he’s not.,” he says, “he’s really a member of the Democrat. Lamont claims Leiberman is an Republican, and then stomps on him. Schlesinger says Leiberman’s is an Democrat, and then stomps on him some more. They argue back and forth and stomp on Leiberman.

“Poor Joe,” Suave says, “he’s getting his ‘joe-butt’ double teamed right now. Can he hold off Lamont’s challenge at PCW Extreme Election Night? Or will Leiberman celebrate a ‘joe-victory?’”

November , 2006

MATCH #2- THREE WAY DANCE- JOE LEIBERMAN (Independent), NED LAMONT (D), and ALAN SCHLESINGER (R)
“All right, the Left Wing Bloggers Daily Kos, Media Matters for America, and Eric Alterman were the difference the last time Leiberman and Lamont met up,” explained Suave. “This time, Alan Schlesinger may be the wild card of the group.”

The bell rings and immediately the Bloggers pile into the ring and attack Leiberman. Schlesinger joins in.

“HOLY CRAP! IT’S FIVE AGAINST ONE!” Suave says as the referee is powerless to prevent the outside interference.

Leiberman is whipped into the ropes and Daily Kos and Media Matters set to double team him. Leiberman clotheslines the two bloggers but then gets blindsided by Eric Alterman.

The Bomb Brothers (Independents A. Tom Bomb, Hy Drogen Bomb, and Newt Tron Bomb) runs out. “HERE THEY COME!” Suave says as the crowd stands up and cheers, “THE ODDS HAVE JUST BEEN EVENED UP!”

A-Bomb power slams Eric Alterman. H-Bomb lifts Daily Kos in the air and tosses him over the top rope through a ringside table.

“HOLY CRAP!” Suave says as Daily Kos is buried amongst the remains of the table.

“BCEW!…BCEW!” chants the crowd.

A-Bomb corners Alan Schlesinger. Schlesinger desperately calls out to the Republicans for help. As A-Bomb lifts him up and Newt Tron Bomb sets a table up in the ring, Schlesinger calls out for Dick, or The Mastermind Karl Rove, or even the Rookie Sensation Starz N. Stripes. No help arrives and A-Bomb power A-Bombs Schlesinger through the table. Leiberman covers and Schlesinger is eliminated. The crowd serenades Schlesinger with the ‘na, na. hey-hey-hey goodbye’ song.

H-Bomb decks Media Matters and then climbs out of the ring. He grabs Media Matters’s legs and crotches him on the ringpost. H-Bomb then rolls him out of the ring.

“IT’S DOWN TO LEIBERMAN AND LAMONT NOW!” Suave says. “Now we’ll find out just what Lamont is made of.”

Lamont appears unsure and turns around looking for help. He calls for The American Screamer Howard Dean, “The Natural” Barack Obama, or anyone else from the Progressive Alliance. Like Schlesinger, no help arrives.

“I think its safe to say that the ‘Joe-mentum’ is on Leiberman’s side now,” Suave says.

Suddenly, another left wing blogger, Arianna Huffington, shrieks down the aisle towards the ring to help Lamont and runs into the manager of the Bomb Brothers Daisy Cutter-Bomb. Daisy lays her out with a wicked clothesline. Lieberman stomps his foot three times and sets him up for his closer.

“LEIBERMAN’S GOING FOR THE ‘JOE-STOPPER!” Suave says.

Lamont turns around just in time to catch a superkick right to his chin.

“That’s a pretty good kick for an old guy,” Suave cracks. “I didn’t think he could get his leg that high.”

Lamont drops as if he’s been shot. Leiberman covers and that’s the match.

WINNER: JOE LEIBERMAN (I)

Huffington throws a fit and stomps around at ringside as Joe holds up his hand in victory.

9/30- PCW Extreme Political TV- Crashing Streisand’s party

Last time on PCW:

 

-‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann and Quadruple R lament the lack of firepower in McMann’s Corporation.

 

-PCW TV Champion FUBAR defeats his tag team partner SNAFU and then is attacked after the match by ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido and the ‘American Screamer’ Howard Dean. Escondido vows to bring the PCW TV belt back to the Progressive Alliance.

 

-MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann and Fox News’s Bill O’Reilly have another extreme encounter with each other. Olbermann’s associates, Rachel Maddow and Hardball Chris Matthews, interfere in the match which causes CNN’s Lou Dobbs, not an Olbermann fan, to run down and take out the Countdown host with a steel-folding chair. Afterwards, Dobbs tells an unconscious Olbermann ‘he may be the worst person in the world but Olbermann was the biggest douchebag a-hole in the entire universe!’

 

-Starz N. Stripes w/John McCain (American Patriots) and O’Beck Bahama w/Barack Obama (Progressive Alliance) meet again. Starz wins when Libertarian Bob Barr and Independent Darth (Ralph) Nader come to the ring to protest, allowing Starz to roll up Bahama for the win. In the aftermath, McCain takes Obama out with a Singapore cane shot and all hell breaks loose afterwards.

 

PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV- September 30th from Bryan H.S, Bryan, Ohio
****

PCW OVERVIEW (for the uninitiated)

****
HOST: Johnny Suave

The crowd chants PCW…PCW.

Suave: “As you might expect, Barack Obama of the Progressive Alliance was not very happy with what happened at the end of the Starz N. Stripes/O’Beck Bahama match.”

 

 

Obama comes to the ring. He states he’s had enough of John McCain’s tactics. He doesn’t know why McCain attacked him with a Singapore cane but he declares that he and the Progressive Alliance will aggressively respond from this point forward.

 

 

Sarah Palin, carrying a hockey stick, leads John McCain out to the ring. McCain tells Obama that political wrestling is tough. McCain: “This is no walk in the park. While I was held prisoner in Hanoi did I get any sympathy because I complained about ‘rough treatment? Hell no.” McCain tells Obama that he’s just upset because his inexperience cost his guy, O’Beck Bahama, a shot at the PCW belt. McCain: “Again, you couldn’t rise to the challenge to defeat Starz N. Stripes for the PCW Title.” McCain then adds that Bahama’s had enough chances and won’t receive any more title shots.

 

 

Obama responds that he likes a challenge. He says the PCW title isn’t about him- it’s about being the best. He believes O’Beck Bahama can be the best. Obama challenges McCain to one last match next month at PCW Extreme Election Night. Starz N. Stripes vs. O’Beck Bahama for the PCW Title. If Starz wins; O’Beck doesn’t get another title shot. If O’Beck wins…

 

McCain: “Hah. You’ve got a better chance of getting Cheech and Chong back together.”

 

Obama: “John. They’re back together.”

McCain: “Oh.”

 

MATCH #1 PCW TELEVISION CHAMPIONSHIP- FUBAR © w/Dr. Bill (Independent) vs. MICHAEL HUNT of Guys With Unfortunate First Names Given Their Surnames (Jobber)

Dr. Bill exhorts FUBAR on with his unique brand of positive self-help talk. Dr. Bill: “Don’t let him win! You win!” Suave: “Wow. How profound is that? No wonder he makes the big bucks.” Suave then mimics a retching sound.

Suave then notes that former Detroit Lions GM Matt Millen is in Michael Hunt’s corner tonight. Suave: “Apparently, Hunt is taking a page from FUBAR. I wonder if it’ll work?

The bell rings. FUBAR knees Hunt in the gut. Then he flings Hunt into his corner, knocking Millen off the ring edge onto the floor. FUBAR rolls up Hunt. 1…2….3. Suave: “Nope. Guess not.”

 

WINNER AND STILL PCW TELEVISION CHAMPION: FUBAR

Again, ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido and the ‘American Screamer’ Howard Dean (Progressive Alliance) attack FUBAR. Swinging neckbreaker by Escondido lays out the TV champ. Again, Escondido runs down FUBAR as a ‘glorified jobber’ and ‘talent enhancement.’ Escondido demands a title shot but Dr. Bill says no. Dean and Escondido then assault Dr. Bill but then the Jobbers aka Talent Enhancement run out. Jimmy from So Cal, the Jim Rome Clone wannabe. Snott Flemmstein. Hunt and his tag team partner Richard Headd of Guys With Unfortunate First Names Given Their Surnames. And SNAFU. The jobbers chase away Escondido and Dean.

 

Suave then introduces another piece by Exploding Sheep Productions.

 

EXPLODING SHEEP PRODUCTIONS

The Beverly Hills fundraiser for Barack Obama. An outdoor courtyard. 300 people, including stars such as Leonardo DiCaprio, Will Ferrell, Jamie Lee Curtis, and Jodie Foster, seated at 30 tables resting on a cobblestone surface. Cost- $28,500 per person for the reception. $2,500 for a concert by Barbra Streisand afterwards.

 

Obama finishes his remarks and leaves. The dinner continues as the black-suited waiters circulated through the grounds. One water suddenly hops on the stage and whips off his suit.

 

Suave: “HOLY CRAP! IT’S DEWAYNE CANTRELL!”

 

Cantrell, main character of J.D. Elder’s novel Loose Cannons of Buckland County and Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction, holds up a steel-folding chair and bellows to the shocked crowd: “Surprisingly, I don’t see anyone from middle class America showing up here at some Tudor-style Greystone mansion in Beverly Hills with an entry fee of $28,500 to get in so you can dine on beef filet, asparagus and salad with goat cheese with a bunch of rich elitists and then be serenaded by some over the hill singer for an additional $2,800. I guess the price tag is a little high when they’re trying not to lose their house to foreclosure, trying to tread water because their wages don’t keep up with $4.15 per gallon of gasoline and the ever rising cost of living!”

Cantrell then wades into the tables and starts whacking people with the steel-folding chair. Chaos breaks out. Stars flee the grounds. Someone tries to collect $28,500 from Cantrell; he eats a steel-folding chair to the noggin.

Suave: “Standing up for the little guy, one steel-folding chairshot at a time!”

 

MATCH #2 ‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ TESSA MARTIN w/Daisy Cutter-Bomb and Tequila Sheila of the 3 Amigas (Independent) vs. ‘Defense Expert’ HALLIE BURTON w/Neal Conn- making foreign policy as paramount responsibility of government, seeing the need for the U.S. acting as the world’s sole superpower as indispensable to establishing and maintaining global order (American Patriots)
The winner of this match gets a shot at the PCW Women’s title held by ‘Empress of All Media’ Opal Winfree (Progressive Alliance). Tessa hits a bicycle kick right after the bell rings. Burton rebounds with a belly-to-belly suplex and then slams Tessa into the corner turnbuckle. Conn pulls Tessa out of the ring and throws her against the steel guardrail. Burton then leaps from the top rope and smashes the PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl hard into the guardrail. Daisy Cutter-Bomb then blasts into Burton. She powerslams Burton on the entrance ramp. Neal Conn pulls Daisy off. Tequila Sheila then knocks Conn out with her blender. Daisy throws Burton back in the ring. Tessa grabs her oversized pizza box, with a street sign inside, and clocks Burton with it. She covers and that’s the match.

WINNER: ‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ TESSA MARTIN

Suave: “Next week, it’ll be ‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin vs. ‘Empress of All Media’ Opal Winfree for the PCW Women’s title.”

MR. McMANN’S CORPORATION SEGMENT
Kathryn Randall Collins…aka KRC, Quadruple R, Bradley Scott Wilson Esq., and Richard Emerson Bentley III sit as Mr. McMann tries to persuade someone (blocked from view) to join his corporation.

Suave wonders who it could be.

EXPLODING SHEEP PRODUCTIONS

Barbra Streisand profusely apologizes for DeWayne Cantrell’s attack. She promises to make it up to everyone attending the star studded $28,500 per person Obama fundraiser plus the extra $2,800 to hear Streisand sing.

 

The band starts to play- but it’s not one of Streisand’s classics. It’s a country sound.

 

Suave: “HOLY CRAP! That’s not Barbra Streisand’s band! That’s…THE BLACK SWAMP PIRATES!

 

The guests look on in horror as the Pirates play their hit song, “American Elitist.”

 

I don’t want to be an American Elitist
Don’t want to be smug, self-absorbed, and conceited
Looking down your nose while sipping cappuccino
Push your political views cause you act or hit a high note

I know it’s hard to see us when you’re up so far above
I guess we’re supposed to listen, cause you’ve got a Hollywood star
Your perks and privilege gets you places we will never see.
Your power and prestige gets you people we’ll never meet.

So Barbra Streisand, you won’t defeat us
You and the rest of the American Elitists
Just like Michael Moore, hell, you’d better believe us
Stay inside your limousine behind the tinted glass
Hide behind the velvet ropes and you can kiss our ass

I don’t want to be an American Elitist
Corporate greed feeds the rich, the rest of us simply bleed yes
Golden parachutes, they protect the big gun
While no one gives a damn about the little ones

I know it’s hard to see us when you’re up so far above
And I guess you’ve got a better way since you drive a fancy car
Your perks and privileges gets you places we will never see.
Your power and prestige gets you people we’ll never meet.

So Rush Limbaugh, you won’t defeat us
You and the rest of the American Elitists
Just like, Dick Cheney, hell you’d better believe us
Stay inside your limousine behind the tinted glass
Hide out at your country clubs and you can kiss our ass

I don’t want to be an American Elitist
Big money special interests, well they get what they need yeah
One dollar equals one vote, that’s the way the game’s played
While the rest of us watch as our dreams slowly slip away

I know it’s hard to see us when you’re up so far above
And if you’ve got the cash to pay, you get all the fun
Your perks and privileges gets you places we will never see.
Your power and prestige gets you people we’ll never meet.

Hey NRA, you won’t defeat us
You and the rest of the American Elitists

Hey you, George Soros, you’d better believe us
Stay inside your limousine behind the tinted glass
Spend your cash, buy an election and you can kiss our ass

Hey Wall Street Journal, you won’t defeat us
You and the rest of the American Elitists
Like Rolling Stone, you’d better believe us.
Stay inside your limousine behind the tinted glass
Watch us from your ivory towers and you can kiss our ass

 

McCAIN-OBAMA INTERVIEW FOR PCW CEO

The first of three interviews with PCW Owner Bubba Jackson to determine who will become the next PCW CEO.

 

McCain emphasized his experience in working with members of the Progressive Alliance to make PCW a better wrestling organization. He noted Obama’s relative inexperience as the key reasons why he would be the best choice to be the next PCW CEO.

 

Obama parried McCain’s remarks by calling his support of PCW CEO George W’s ‘war’ against EECW…

 

http://bucklandcounty.blogspot.com/2007/03/325-bcew-vs-eecw-war-ppv.html

 

…a grave failure of judgment. An error that caused the wrestling promotion to take its eye off the ball in improving the PCW product. Obama called McCain out of touch with modern political wrestling fans- a point that McCain disputed.

 

McCain: “I’ve been a wrestling fan for years and root for the underdog. I think it’s great that WCW is giving the WWF a run for their money.

 

Obama: “Uh, John. WCW went out of business 8 years ago and WWF is now WWE.”

 

McCain: “Oh…”

 

MATCH #3 PCW TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH- JACK SCHETT & BULL SCHETT w/Horst Schett and Hans Gruber- the German Schnauzer (Progressive Alliance) vs. A. TOM BOMB & HY DROGEN BOMB w/ Newt Tron Bomb (American Patriots)

Horst Schett takes the mic and holds up the Schnauzer. Horst: “You should all bow down to this dog. This dog is named after greatest cinematic villain of all time! Hans Gruber! GOD BLESS YOU ALAN RICKMAN!” Jack Schett then takes the mic. Jack: “IF YOU DON’T THINK THE SCHETT BROTHERS ARE THE BEST TAG TEAM IN PCW, THEN YOU DON’T KNOW JACK SCHETT!” The crowd starts chanting ‘bulls###…bulls###!” Bull: “See? Listen to them chant for me.”

 

Suave: “Ah, no. I don’t think that’s they’re doing.”

 

The bell rings A-Bomb and Jack Schett to begin. Trading chops by A-Bomb and Jack Schett. Jack clips the leg to take control. Leg lariat follows and A-Bomb powers back up. They trade chops again. Bull Schett tags in. Elbows to A-Bomb and a knee to the back. Belly to belly suplex by Bull and a cover for 2. Elbows again by Bull. He tries for the roaring elbow but misses and gets hung up in the ropes. H-Bomb gets a stun gun from the outside. Jack Schett runs over and gets into it with H-Bomb.

 

Sarah Palin, John McCain’s choice for his aide de camp, joins Suave at the broadcast table along with two other people. Suave asks who the men are. They respond that they are McCain’s handlers and here to help Palin answer Suave’s questions. Suave first asks Palin how she’s doing. The handlers whisper into Palin’s ear and then she answers that she’s fine. Suave asks her about the PCW CEO race. McCain’s handlers again whisper in Palin’s ear. Palin responds that it’s a race between two people to lead PCW. Suave: “I know. What’s your thoughts about the race?” More input from the handlers. Palin seems confused, then responds that the Iditarod Dog Sled race is one of Alaska’s biggest events and then adds, “You can see Russia from Alaska.” Suave: “O-kay. Let’s get back to the match.”

 

H-Bomb trades chops and then hits a Russian leg sweep. H-Bomb off the ropes and backdrops Bull. Jack in, H-Bomb gives him a back breaker. Bull gets back up and kicks off H-Bomb’s head. Cover for 2. Jack tags in and lays the boots to H-Bomb in the corner. Horst with a cheap shot on H-Bomb and pulls him to the floor. Horst tosses him to the barricade. Bull gets a cheap shot as well. Horst sics Hans Gruber on it H-Bomb. The dog leaps up and attacks H-Bomb in the balls.

 

Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” H-Bomb spins wildly, trying to get the dog’s jaws to let go. A-Bomb runs in and hits a running bulldog on Jack Schett. A-Bomb to the top turnbuckle and leaps on Bull Schett. Kick to the face by A-Bomb. Horst Schett then orders Hans Gruber to attack A-Bomb. The dog pulls off H-Bomb and leaps at A-Bomb. A-Bomb grabs a steel folding chair and blasts the poor animal in the face with it. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” The dog drops.

 

Horst is horrified. Bull throws A-Bomb back into the ring and Jack just lays in the kicks in the corner. Forearm and elbows by Jack and a cover for 2. More chops by Jack and then he climbs up the top turnbuckle. Horst hands him a brick and Jack places it in the rear of his trunks. Suave: “He’s going for their finisher- the ‘Schett-Brick!’” Newt Tron Bomb hits the ring and pulls A-Bomb out of the way. Jack misses and lands hard on his ass in the ring.

 

Suave: “Jack Schett in major pain. I betcha those brick shards don’t feel real good…HERE COMES ARIANNA HUFFINGTON AND THE ANGRY LEFT-WING BLOGGERS!” Huffington directs Daily Kos, Media Matters for America, Eric Alterman, and Paul Krugman into the ring. Daily Kos tosses A-Bomb to the floor and Media Matters and Alterman start kicking away. Alterman chokes out A-Bomb and puts him on a table. Then as A-Bomb lay on the table, Daily Kos gets a running start and puts A-Bomb through the table.

 

H-Bomb staggers back into the ring and flops on the canvas. Senton by Jack, knee drop by Bull and a cover. One…two…Sarah Palin leaps from her chair and whacks Bull in the back with the hockey stick. Suave: “PALIN STOPS THE COUNT!…AND HERE COMES THE RIGHT-WING BRIGADE!” Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, Sean Hannity, Michelle Malkin, and Glenn Beck race down. Rights by Limbaugh, chops by Malkin and then an Enziguri takes out Jack Schett. Palin wades into the Angry Left Wing bloggers and starts swinging away. Horst revives Hans Gruber and sic the Schnauzer on the Right Wingers. Palin chases Huffington and the Angry Left Wing bloggers to the back. Hans Gruber chases the Right Wing Brigaders to the back.

 

Both Bull Schett and H-Bomb are out in the ring. Jack Schett is hurt and lying outside the ring. A-Bomb is unconscious in the ruins of the table. Suave: “Now what? Wait! Here comes Barack Obama.” Obama comes to the ring and rolls Bull over towards H-Bomb. Suave: “JOHN McCAIN’S RUNNING IN TO STOP HIM!” McCain reaches the ring but suddenly stops when a pair of hands from under the ring grabs his leg. Suave: “What the…IT’S JOE BIDEN!” Obama puts Bull on H-Bomb. The referee counts. 1-2-3.

 

WINNER AND STILL PCW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: JACK SCHETT and BULL SCHETT (Progressive Alliance)

Suave: “What a match! The Progressive Alliance get a huge win tonight!    We’ll see you next week!”

———–

PCW at WordPress

6/3- PCW TV. WTF??…Dick Cheney & W. Virginia, the Progressive Alliance chooses their nominee, and Scott McClellan has an unpleasant encounter with Bob Dole.

 

PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV– June 3rd from Butte, MT/ Host: Johnny Suave
****
PCW OVERVIEW (for the uninitiated)
****
Suave: “It’s the go home show leading to next week’s Loose Cannons Unleashed 4! This is the final leg of the PCW Roadshow Across America tour and tonight we are live in Butte, Montana.” Suave announces the main event for tonight, a number one contender match for the PCW Women’s title between Kathryn Randall Collins aka KRC (Progressive Alliance) and ‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin and then recaps last week’s edition of PCW Extreme Political TV:

RECAP OF LAST WEEK
Big Oil stole American Trucker’s semi-truck and ran it into Average Joe’s average house, causing both to blow up. Wrestling legend in a cheap fedora, Indianola Jones, returns to the ring for the first time in 19 years to stand up to Big Oil. Big Oil challenges him to a match for the PCW Television title.
****
‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann returned again to PCW to beg for a job. However, PCW CEO George W told him that someone else was getting a tryout this week- Vince Rousseau.
****
Independent wrestler ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido defeated jobber FUBAR yet again. FUBAR vents after the match about always losing. Escondido tells him sarcastically to go get a life coach.
****
Vince Rousseau’s gimmick match involving an oversized Mousetrap board game and parts doesn’t quite go as planned.
****
The Progressive Alliance’s Triple R demands yet another match with O’Beck Bahama. He stands in the ring and swears he won’t move until he gets his match. Big Oil clears out Triple R and then takes on Indianola Jones. Jones, age 65, shocks the wrestling world by going George Foreman and Terry Funk and upsets Big Oil with the katahajime to become the new PCW Television champion. To top the evening off, American Trucker and Average Joe steal Big Oil’s wheelbarrow full of cash and run off with it.
****
————-

A quick moment of silence for late rock legend Bo Diddley starts the show.

PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE MEETING
Bill and Hillary Clinton make a final plea before a panel consisting of the ‘American Screamer’ Howard Dean, Nancy Pelosi, and Harry Reid. Hillary once again passionately presents the case that she, not Barack Obama, would be the best person to go up against the American Patriots’s John McCain for PCW CEO. Bill angrily rails against the treatment of Hillary throughout the process.

The Rev. Michael Pfleger then runs in and starts rubbing his eyes. Pfleger: “Oh, boo-hoo-hoo! This is mine. I’m Bill Clinton’s wife! I’m entitled. I’m-” Howard Dean: “Dude, you’re not helping.” Dean has Pfleger removed and then breaks the news to the Clintons. Dean: “It is my intention to introduce Barack Obama tonight as the nominee of the Progressive Alliance.” Bill protests but Dean tells him ‘it’s over.’

SCOTT McCLELLAN
Scott McClellan is in the ring to explain his new book while a third of the fans, who support the American Patriots, chant “YOU SOLD OUT! YOU SOLD OUT!” Over the din, McClellan tries to explain that he exercised his conscience in writing What Happened: Inside the Bush White House and Washington’s Culture of Deception. He noted that the tone of the book changed and became sharper as the process went along. A horribly off-key mariachi band began to play ‘Hail to the Chief’ and PCW CEO George W came to the ring. W doesn’t look in the greatest of moods and confronts McClellan.

George W: “Scott, why? How could you do that to me?” McClellan again tries to explain himself. McClellan: “You said, we were going to restore-OW! We were going to restore honor and integrity. You said-OW! You said, we were going to set the highest of-OW! The highest of standards-OWWW! DAMMIT BOB DOLE! STOP HITTING ME WITH BOTTLES OF VIAGRA!” Bob Dole climbs into the ring and growls at McClellan. Bob Dole: “You wanna know what Bob Dole thinks? Bob Dole thinks you’re a miserable creature motivated by greed to sell out George W. That’s what Bob Dole thinks.” McClellan tries again to explain himself but Dole pushes him. McClellan: “Stop that.” Crowd: “YOU SOLD OUT!” Dole: “Let’s go! If a sixty-five year old man can win the PCW Television title, then this eighty-four year old can kick your gutless ass, you ingrate. You should have quit or spoken up if you had issues.” Dole shoves him again. McClellan: “Bob, stop it.” Dole: “When the cash rolls in from your book, you should donate it to a worthy cause, such as, ‘Biting the Hand that Feeds Me.” Dole shoves him again. McClellan warns him one more time to stop pushing him. Dole: “If all these awful things were happening, you should have spoken up like a man or quit your cushy, high profile job. That would have taken integrity and courage.” McClellan tries to walk away. Dole spins him back around and jabs the pen that’s clenched in his left hand (the arm that was injured in the military) across McClellan’s forehead. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! HE’S BUSTED OPEN!”

McClellan sees his own blood, snaps, and knees Dole in the groin. Then he clotheslines the former senator and high tails it from the ring, leaving the elder statesman of the American Patriots lying in the ring. Suave: “I’d make some smart-ass Viagra joke right here but I don’t think it’d be very appropriate.”

FUBAR comes out and addresses the aftermath of his match with ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido last week where Escondido told him to get a life coach. FUBAR announces that he’s done exactly that and introduces his new life coach- Dr. Bill. Suave: “Dr. Bill? What the hell? A cheesy rip-off of Dr. Phil?” Dr. Bill walks out and joins FUBAR. FUBAR brags that the advice Dr. Bill has given him in the last week has totally changed his life. Suave: “Okay. He said that about Coach Bobby Petrino before he left to take a better paying job and Coach Bob Knight before Knight threw a chair at him.” Dr. Bill says that ‘FUBAR’s tired of losing. So I told him, STOP LOSING!” Suave: “That’s freakin’ brilliant, Sigmund Freud.”

MATCH #1- PCW TELEVISION TITLE MATCH: INDIANOLA JONES © (Independent) vs. FUBAR w/his life coach Dr. Bill (Jobber)
Suave:
“I’ll give Indianola Jones credit. He might be 65 years old but he’s not wasting any time putting the TV belt on the line.” FUBAR comes out with newfound confidence and takes the battle to Jones. But early on, Jones holds control of the match with a rest hold chinlock. Snap mare suplex by Jones. Elbow drop. Jones goes armdrag and then wrenches the arm around the ring post. Dr. Bill yells encouraging mini-slogans at FUBAR including: “You’re losing the match, start winning.” Suave: “Again, this guy certainly earns every penny he gets…”

FUBAR reverses and throws Jones out of the ring. FUBAR grabs a chair and starts swinging. Chairshot. Then he climbs up on the ring apron and dives with the chair onto Jones. Dr. Bill continues to urge him on. Leg drop. Jones looks sluggish and tired. FUBAR pulls him up and throws him back into the ring. FUBAR climbs the ropes and goes for the splash. Jones rolls at the last moment and FUBAR bounces off the canvas. Jones somehow maneuvers around… Suave: “KATAHAJIME! JONES LOCKS IN THE KATAHAJIME AND FUBAR TAPS OUT!”

WINNER AND STILL PCW TELEVISION CHAMPION: INDIANOLA JONES

Suave: “FUBAR shows some improvement despite having Dr. Bill, his so-called life coach, in his corner.” Dr. Bill consoles FUBAR after the match and tells him he did much better tonight.

BACKSTAGE WITH THE CLINTONS
Bill and Hillary inform the ‘Angry Highway Warrior’ Triple R (aka…Road Rage Randy) that the Progressive Alliance will name Barack Obama as their nominee. Triple R: “Yeah but, what about my title match next week against Starz N. Stripes?” Hillary curtly reminds Triple R he lost the qualifying match which would have given him the title shot. Triple R throws a fit and yells that the Clintons promised him the PCW Title. Bill: “Well, all I can tell you is sometimes things don’t work out quite the way you want them to.” Triple R stomps away.

BIG OIL SEGMENT
Big Oil walks out with Kirk Walstreit (American Patriots)- no Texas Tex, no wheelbarrow. He calls what happened last week outright robbery and demands justice. But, because he knows that PCW won’t do anything to get his money back and everyone is jealous of his success, he’s forced to take matters into his own hands. Big Oil: “Last week is the last time that any lesser species will ever lay their hand on me.” Out comes Rough Justice- D.B. Ruff and Conner Justice, two former police officers fired for their over the top, extreme brand of justice and Big Oil’s newly hired muscle. Big Oil then calls out American Trucker and Average Joe and demands to know what they’ve done with his money.

American Trucker and Average Joe appear via satellite from Ohio. They thank Big Oil for his ‘most gracious apology for destroying American Trucker’s semi-truck and Average Joe’s house. American Trucker: “Because of your generosity, I’ve replaced my old, worn out semi-truck with a brand new, state of the art rig.” Average Joe: “And with the proceeds you so selflessly donated, I purchased a brand new house.” Big Oil boils over and he calls out PCW CEO George W to straighten the situation out. The off-key mariachi band appears with an even worse (if that’s possible) version of Hail to the Chief and George W comes back to the ring. Big Oil demands action against American Trucker and Average Joe. The PCW CEO demurs and then, big ovation interrupts him when the new PCW Television Champion Indianola Jones walks out.

Big Oil tells Jones he can have the ‘worthless PCW TV Title’ because the belt he wants is currently held by Starz N. Stripes. Jones has a solution- next week at PCW Loose Cannons Unleashed 4, Big Oil and Walstreit vs. Average Joe and American Trucker. If Big Oil and Walstreit win, they get the American Trucker’s truck and Average Joe’s house. If they lose, the American Trucker and Average Joe get another wheelbarrow overflowing with cash from Big Oil.

Big Oil quickly accepts.

DICK CHENEY/WEST VIRGINIA SONG
Dick Cheney in the ring to apologize for saying that his family has Cheneys on both sides of his family tree dating back to the 1600’s and we don’t even live in West Virginia. Dick: “On reflection, I conclude that it was an inappropriate attempt at humor that he should not have made. I’d like to apologize to the people of West Virginia by singing a song for them…” Suave: “Oh, no. This can’t end good.”

Cheney sings (to the tune of John Denver’s ‘Country Roads’):

Almost hell
West Virginia
Black Lung disease
The state that God threw up on.

All the cars are old there
Rusting in the hills
My old lady’s pregnant
We can’t afford the pill

I wanna go home
But there’s no road
From this place
I don’t belong
West Virginia
Up your mama
I wanna go home
But there’s no road.

Dark and lumpy
Kills your liver
It’s not the moonshine
It’s the Shenandoah River

Everything is old-

*Def Leppard’s ‘Rock, Rock, Til You Drop blares*

 

The Extreme Equalizer Whiskey Tango Foxtrot runs in, grabs Dick by the throat, and chokeslams him through the ring table, much to the delight of the crowd.

PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE ANNOUNCEMENT
Dean, Pelosi, and Reid come out to make the formal announcement along with Barack Obama and O’Beck Bahama. Dean: “It’s been a long, long road to tonight. But, we can now say that after a spirited and sometimes contentious campaign, the nominee of the Progressive Alliance to become the next PCW CEO is…Barack-” Triple R attacks and knocks Dean down. He goes right to Bahama and they begin to brawl. Pelosi and Reid try to restore order but Triple R pushes them both down. Obama even tries to stop Triple R but he gets shoved away. Bahama charges Triple R. Triple R oles Bahama and the New Rookie Sensation hits the ring post hard. He’s dazed.

Suave: “HERE COMES THE ANGRY LEFT-WING BLOGGERS!” Media Matters For America, Eric Alterman, and Daily Kos run in. Triple R DDT’s Media Matters, tosses Alterman over the top rope, and kicks Daily Kos in the groin. Piledriver to Daily Kos and then he’s tossed out of the ring. Triple R then throws Dean over the top rope. Both Pelosi and Reid wisely bail. Triple R grabs the mic and throws an in-ring temper tantrum of epic proportion. He says he’s been screwed out of the BCEW/PCW, ‘whatever the @#$# you want to call the thing’ for the final time. Triple R: “Ever since I came back, George W and everyone involved in PCW has done everything in their power to keep me from reclaiming what is rightfully mine- the PCW title. I’ve been screwed for the last time. I’ve been lied to for the last time. @#$# everyone else! I will-” Three referees hit the ring. Triple R smacks one with the mic and then quickly dispatches of the other two.

Hillary Clinton comes out and tells Triple R ‘that’s enough.’ Triple R ignores her and kicks away at both the remaining referee in the ring and then O’Beck Bahama. She signals to the back and the Clinton Political Pitbulls- James Carville and Terry McAuliffe, hit the ring. The Pitbulls hesitate and then tackle Triple R.

As the Pitbulls clean up the ring, a somber Hillary and Bill Clinton leave.

Suave announces that due to the fracas, the Kathryn Randall Collins/‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin #1 contenders match has been moved back to the Loose Cannons 4 Pay Per View. Suave: “Here’s the rest of the card for Loose Cannons Unleashed 4.”

FINAL CARD FOR LOOSE CANNONS UNLEASHED 4
-#1 Contender Match for PCW Women’s Title: Kathryn Randall Collins aka KRC (Progressive Alliance) vs. ‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin of the 3 Amigas w/Tequila Sheila and Daisy Cutter-Bomb (Independent)
-Grudge match: Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit (American Patriots) vs. American Trucker and Average Joe (Independent)
-PCW Television Title Three Way Dance: 65 year old Indianola Jones (Independent) © vs. ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido (Independent) vs. FUBAR (Independent)
-PCW Women’s Title Match: ‘Media Empress’ Opal Winfree © w/Opal’s Flock- New Age Sensitive Guy and Soccer Mom (Progressive Alliance) vs. the winner of the ‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin and Kathryn Randall Collins match
-PCW Tag Team Title Match: Jack Schett and Bull Schett © w/Horst Schett and the Extreme Schnauzer, Hans Gruber (Progressive Alliance) vs. A. Tom Bomb and Hy Drogen Bomb (American Patriots)
-PCW Title Match: The ‘Original Rookie Sensation’ Starz N. Stripes © w/John McCain (American Patriots) vs. The ‘New Rookie Sensation’ O’Beck Bahama w/Barack Obama (Progressive Alliance)
————–

J.D. Elder’s new novel Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction features BCEW/PCW and several characters in the story. Check out this funny and occasionally biting political satire at www.bucklandcounty.com or these online bookstores:
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You can also order it direct from:
Prairie Depot Press
P.O. Box 25
Wauseon, Ohio 43567
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PCW is online at:

 

4/22- BCEW Keystone State Khaos- The Moment of Truth

BCEW KEYSTONE STATE KHAOS- THE MOMENT OF TRUTH– April 22th
From Pittsburgh, PA
Host: Johnny Suave

Crowd: “BCEW!…BCEW!”

Johnny Suave: “Welcome to BCEW Tourstop Across America show #9 right here in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania!” Suave is joined in the ring by a lifesize, cardboard cut-out of Danica Patrick. Suave: “One night after some big time, corporately run wrestling company had this…match between two people dressed like Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, tonight, we’re going to show everyone what true extreme political wrestling is all about!” Crowd: “BCEW!…BCEW!” Suave runs down the earlier action.

BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl TESSA MARTIN (Independent) vs. ‘Defense Expert’ HALLIE BURTON (American Patriots)
BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin continued her impressive run of victories by knocking off ‘Defense Expert’ Hallie Burton. Neal Conn (making foreign policy as paramount responsibility of government, seeing the need for the U.S. acting as the world’s sole superpower as indispensable to establishing and maintaining global order) tried to interfere on Burton’s behalf but Martin’s 3 Amiga compadre, Daisy Cutter-Bomb, stopped him and delivered her devastating Daisy Cutter Power Bomb on Conn. The BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl finished off the Defense Expert with a well placed oversized pizza box to the mush (complete with road sign inside).

THE SCHMITT BROTHERS JOIN THE PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE
Last week, Progressive Alliance leader ‘American Screamer’ Howard Dean wooed Jack, Bull, and Horst Schmitt to come to their side. Tonight, the Schmitt Brothers cement the agreement by attacking A. Tom and Hy Drogen Bomb after they successfully defended the BCEW Tag Team Titles against FUBAR and SNAFU. In the ring, Dean declares the Schmitts the strongest tag team the Progressive Alliance have had in the stable in the three years of BCEW. The Schmitts themselves announce that they are changing their last name to Schett. Why? According to Jack Schett, ‘to make the obvious pun even more glaringly obvious.’ Suave: “Great. As if their last name wasn’t obnoxious enough to begin with.”

No schett.

Jimmy from So Cal comes out and starts running smack, trying to play his way into the Jim Rome Smack Off on Friday. Jimmy pimps his smack and his wrestling ability and lays out an open challenge to any ‘scrub in the back.’ Much to Jimmy’s dismay, it’s BCEW Champion Starz N. Stripes who answers the call.

BCEW CHAMPION STARZ N. STRIPES (American Patriots) vs. JIMMY FROM SO CAL (jobber)
Unfortunately, Jimmy from So Cal gloriously flames out. He does not get racked and the BCEW champion runs him to get the win.

Suave celebrates the real Danica Patrick’s first Indy Racing League victory over the weekend in Japan. Several people in the front row bow down in homage to the road racing hottie.

THE GREEN WORLD ORDER CELEBRATES EARTH DAY
Peta from PETA comes out and kicks Suave and the life-size cardboard cut-out of Danica out of the ring. She brings out her brother Peter (no relation to GreenPete) from PETA and the rest of the Green World Order (GreenPete, Extreme Vegan Brock Cole Lee, and PeaceNick) to celebrate Earth Day. After Peta rips into the crowd for their wasteful, irresponsible ways, BCEW employee Skank Mitchell walks to the ring. Skank wants to celebrate ‘Moon’ Day. Peta: “Moon Day? What the hell is Moon Day?” Skank tells her he’ll show her. Then he climbs into the ring, turns his back to the GWO, and then pulls down his pants. Crowd: “BCEW!…BCEW!” Suave: “Well? You could say that the accumulation of cellulite and pimples on his ass is an accurate reflection of the surface of the moon.”

Peta gets incensed and has Peter throw Skank out of the ring. This brings out Politically Incorrect- Nic Koteen and Al Cahall. Cahall pulls out a grill. Koteen tells the Green World Order he enjoys the earth just as much as they do. Koteen: “I enjoy everything that the earth has to offer.” Then he lights up a cigarette. Cahall fires up the grill. Peter from PETA confronts Cahall over the grill. Koteen introduces a new member of Politically Incorrect- Hunter the Hunter. Hunter is fresh from a one week vacation up at Ted Nugent’s spread and comes out lugging a shotgun and a bear trap. Hunter challenges Peter to a match. Peter accepts.

MATCH #1- HUNTER THE HUNTER of Politically Incorrect (Independent) vs. PETER FROM PETA of the Green World Order (Independent)
Hunter puts the bear trap in the corner and locks up with Peter from PETA. They trade shots back and forth. Hunter grabs a headlock on Peter and hits an inverted DDT. Peter tries to elbow out but gets bulldogged for his trouble. Peta from PETA shouts at Hunter from the outside. Koteen and Cahall grill brats, smoke cigarettes, and down some brew. Peter from PETA finally gets a little offense. But Hunter whips him into the corner. *CLACK* Peter: “AAARRRRGGHH!!! Suave: “BEAR TRAP! BEAR TRAP! HE’S GOT HIM IN THE BEAR TRAP! WOW! THAT LOOKS…PAINFUL.” Peter desperately tries to release his foot from the trap. The referee asks him if he wants to tap out. The GWO screams at the ref to break the hold. Peter hangs on. Hunter takes the shotgun, shouts ‘THIS ONE’S FOR CHARLTON HESTON,’ and waffles Peter from PETA in the forehead with the butt end. Cover and pin.

WINNER: HUNTER THE HUNTER

Politically Incorrect celebrates with brats and beer. The Green World Order tend to Peter from PETA as paramedics come out to release the trap and work on his foot. PeaceNick angrily confronts the referee. PeaceNick: “What kind of barbaric organization would allow someone to use a bear trap in a match?” The ref points at the BCEW banner above the ring. Referee: “Well, the name does say ‘extreme’ doesn’t it.”

Suave announces that NBA star, Utah Jazz forward, Andrei Kirilenko, is in the building. Suave goes over to shake his hand but Kirilenko flops to the floor, writhing and moaning as if he’d been pole-axed. Suave: “O-kay.”

Howard Dean sits both Barack and Hillary down in his office. Barack stews as he picks at a plate of waffles. Barack: “Why can’t I just eat my waffle?” Dean is worried that the blood-feud that’s boiled between the two is causing some divisions within the Progressive Alliance. Dean: “We have a golden opportunity to get the BCEW CEO spot and you two are tearing the Progressive Alliance apart!” Both Barack and Hillary try to blame the other but Dean isn’t having any of it. He wants the pitched battle to be toned down dramatically and tells Hillary to keep the CAC in line. Dean makes it clear that he wants no interference in the final two matches of the night. Dean: “One of you will be chosen to be the next leader of the Progressive Alliance. Let the process play out.” Both Barack and Hillary reluctantly agree. Barack leaves but Dean asks Hillary to stay behind. Dean: “Hillary, if you lose both matches tonight, you really need to think about dropping out.”

MATCH #2 BCEW WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH- ‘Media Empress’ OPAL WINFREE © w/Barack Obama and Opal’s Flock- Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy (Progressive Alliance) vs. KATHRYN RANDALL COLLINS…KRC w/Hillary Clinton and the Clinton Political Pitbulls- James Carville and Terry McAuliffe (Progressive Alliance)
Suave:
“Well, the ‘American Screamer’ Howard Dean has decreed that the Obama and Clinton sides are to keep away from each other and not interfere. We’ll see how long that lasts.” Hillary claps her hands to urge KRC on. In between bites of his waffles, Barack tells Opal to be audacious for hope…or something to that effect. The bell rings and both women come out circling each other. Single leg take down by KRC followed with an arm bar. KRC wrenches the arm and then grapevines the legs for an early submission attempt. Opal uses her strength to power out. Quick sequence of chain wrestling with neither woman gaining the advantage. KRC launches herself into the ropes and ducks a lariat. Coming off the other ropes, Opal catches her and hits a sit down slam. KRC quickly scurries from the ring. The crowd cheers their approval.

KRC confers with Hillary and then goes back to work. Lock up in the middle. Opal grabs an arm bar and pushes KRC into the corner. Whip across to the other corner. Opal goes for the splash but KRC ducks out of the way. Opal staggers back. Missile drop kick by KRC backs her up. Missile drop kick #2 nearly takes her off her feet. Missile drop kick #3 finally does. KRC climbs the turnbuckle. Obama puts his plate of waffles down and starts pounding his hands on the mat. KRC suddenly loses her balance and crotches herself on the top turnbuckle. HRC is livid and starts shouting at Barack. Barack: “I was just trying to cheer my wrestler on!” Hillary doesn’t buy it and the Clinton Political Pitbulls begin to confer. Opal suplexes KRC. Running bulldog to one end. Running bulldog back to the other. Belly to belly suplex. KRC grabs the rope but Opal is too strong and hits a third belly to belly. Opal climbs the turnbuckle. Hillary wheels around and she starts pounding on the canvas. Opal sees her and hesitates. KRC scrambles up and face plants her from the top rope. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!”

Barack screams at Hillary. Hillary: “I was just urging my wrestler on!” Opal’s Flock- Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy, start to jaw and point at the Clinton Political Pitbulls- McAuliffe and Carville. KRC slaps on the Boston Crab. She wrenches Opal’s legs backwards and BCEW Women’s champion is in a world of hurt. Opal paws at the ropes and towards Barack. Obama puts the plate down on the canvas. Opal stretches out to grab the plate. She gets closer…closer…and finally she latches on to it. Opal breaks the hold by breaking the plate on KRC’s face. Hillary: “What the hell is that?” Opal still not in good shape. KRC gets the plate and breaks it over her head. Suave: “WE COULD HAVE A NEW CHAMPION! OPAL WINFREE IS IN BIG TROUBLE!” KRC leads Winfree to the corner and guides her up the turnbuckle. Suave: “She’s setting the champion up the superplex!” KRC has her set. Suddenly, Opal counters with a top rope DDT. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! DID YOU SEE THAT? SHE JUST KILLED KRC!” Opal covers…and holds on to the title.

WINNER AND STILL BCEW WOMEN’S CHAMPION: “Media Empress” OPAL WINFREE

Hillary fumes as Barack celebrates with Winfree. Bill Clinton joins Hillary and wags his finger at the referee. Bill Clinton: “I don’t think we have to put up with this @#$#.

Suave again recaps the formation of the Chaotic Alliance of Convenience consisting of Big Oil and Rush Limbaugh from the American Patriots and Triple R (Road Rage Randy) of the Progressive Alliance. The alliance was formed with one single goal- to promote Hillary Clinton as the new leader of the Progressive Alliance. Suave: “Let’s look back again at how the CAC was formed.

REPLAY OF STARZ N. STRIPES- O’BECK BAHAMA from BCEW Night of Champions on 4/1

The bell rings. Starz and Bahama lock up. And Triple R runs in and belts Bahama in the back. Dean, Pelosi, and Reid are swallowed by the scrum as the Left Wing Bloggers surge ahead and engage the Clinton Political Pitbulls. Triple R kicks away at Bahama. Triple R then turns and takes a couple shots at the BCEW champion. Suave: “IT’S TOTAL PANDEOMONIUM HERE!” Triple R wails away at Starz in the corner. Big Oil shows up out of nowhere. Suave: “BIG OIL’S OUT HERE TO EVEN THE ODDS!” The big guy rumbles into the ring. He looks at Triple R. He looks at Starz. He lifts Starz up and chokeslams him to the canvas. Suave: “WHAT? BIG OIL JUST CHOKESLAMMED THE BCEW CHAMPION! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?” Triple R nods and piledrives Bahama. Then both men throw Starz and Bahama out of the ring. Suave: “WHY? WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?” MAN’S VOICE: “I’ll tell you.”The Innovator of Extreme Broadcast Excellence Rush Limbaugh saunters out and joins Big Oil in the ring. Limbaugh: “That’s right. It is I. El Rushbo. The Massrushbi. Talent on loan from God. I’m behind this.” Suave can’t believe it. Limbaugh explains that sometimes, in order to further your agenda you have to make business decisions that involve getting involved with people you wouldn’t normally associate with. Suave: “Huh?” Limbaugh: “Tonight, my friends. You’ve watched my plan come together with the beginning of a new and unique alliance with one single goal- promoting Hillary Clinton as the Progressive Alliance’s nominee for BCEW CEO.” Suave: “WHAT?” Limbaugh: “That’s right. Tonight, you have witnessed the birth of the CHAOTIC ALLIANCE OF CONVENIENCE!” Big Oil and Triple R raise each others arm. Suave: “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. I DON’T BELIEVE IT!” Limbaugh joins Big Oil on one side and Hillary joins Triple R on the other. Suave: “I DON’T BELIEVE WHAT I’M SEEING! BIG OIL! TRIPLE R! THE TWO BIGGEST A-HOLES IN BCEW HAVE JOINED TOGETHER IN AN UNHOLY ALLIANCE TO GET HILLARY CLINTON THE PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE NOMINATION!”

Backstage, Triple R and Big Oil discuss business. Big Oil makes it clear that he’s only in this for his own selfish gain. Triple R replies that he’s also only in it this for his selfish gain. He wants the BCEW Title and feels the only way to get there is with Hillary Clinton leading the way. Big Oil tells Triple R he also wants the BCEW Title. But money talks and Rush Limbaugh has made a generous contribution to Big Oil’s 401K for his support to help prop up Hillary against Barack Obama. Big Oil: “Once our objective has been met, I’m coming after the title.” Triple R nods.

Heading towards the ring, Limbaugh leads Big Oil while Hillary and Bill walk behind Triple R. Bill and Hillary glance at each other and smile. Suave: “This is just too weird.”

Barack Obama and O’Beck Bahama follow.

MATCH #3 ‘The New Rookie Sensation’ O’BECK BAHAMA w/Barack Obama (Progressive Alliance) vs. TRIPLE R (Road Rage Randy) w/Hillary Clinton (Progressive Alliance)
The bell rings and Triple R immediately sprints across the ring. He rams Bahama’s face into the ring post and immediately busts him wide open. Bahama sinks to the canvas and Triple R kicks away at the gash above Bahama’s eye. Then he bites it. Triple R drags him up and taunts Obama. He throws him through the ropes and Bahama splats on the floor. Big Oil immediately goes over and launches Bahama into the ring steps. Bahama laid out on the ring table. Triple R hits a triple jump moonsault and puts him through the table. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!”

Arianna Huffington races out with the Angry Left Wing Bloggers (Daily Kos, Media Matters For America, and Eric Alterman) to come to Bahama’s defense. Big Oil chokeslams Daily Kos. Chokeslam to Media Matters. Alterman gets a shot in. Then he eats a powerbomb on the floor. The Clinton Political Pitbulls (James Carville and Terry McAuliffe) join in and it’s another free for all outside the ring. The referee tries to restore order and HE gets chokeslammed by Big Oil. Triple R blasts a chairshot over Bahama’s head. Chairshot to the back. Another. Arianna screams at Triple R to stop. Big Oil sets up a table on the outside and climbs up to the top rope. Triple R drapes Bahama across the table. Suave: “This could be it!”

BCEW Champion Starz N. Stripes comes out and pulls Bahama off the table. Rush Limbaugh becomes apoplectic. Rush: “What are you doing? No. Wait! Stop!” Limbaugh can only watch as Starz then face plants Big Oil from the top rope through the table. Rush: “NOOOOOOO!!” Suave: “He’s dead. Forget it.” Crowd: “BCEW!…BCEW!” Suave: “Sweet revenge for what happened to Starz two weeks ago at BCEW Night of Champions.” The BCEW champ fights his way through Triple R and the Political Pitbulls and escapes to the back. Big Oil is busted open big time. The referee is out. Hillary screams at Triple R to finish the job. Triple R throws Bahama back in the ring. Suave: “We need a ref in there really…WAIT! IT’S ABC’S CHARLIE GIBSON AND GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS…AND THEY’RE WEARING REFEREE SHIRTS!” Barack immediately climbs up on the ring apron and heatedly complains about what’s going on. Gibson and Stephanopoulos listen as Triple R sits Bahama in the corner and puts a chair by his face. Barack screams at them to stop him. By the time Gibson and Stephanopoulos turn around, Triple R dropkicks the chair into Bahama. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Triple R covers. Both Gibson and Stephanopoulos count it out. Game over.

WINNER: TRIPLE R

Hillary climbs into the ring with Bill and declares the ‘tide is turning.’ Bill nods.

————–

J.D. Elder’s new novel Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction features BCEW and several characters in the story. Check out this funny and occasionally biting political satire at:
www.bucklandcounty.com
Lulu.com

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Prairie Depot Press- Adventures in Low Budget, Small Time Book Publishing
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4/1- BCEW Night of Champions

BCEW NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS– April 1st
From Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon, Westville, OH.
Host: Johnny Suave

Hack’s Crowd: “BCEW!…BCEW!”

Johnny Suave: “Welcome to BCEW! Tonight, we are live from Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon! Four title matches. Let’s run them down.”

BCEW Television Title match: ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido © (Independent) vs. Big Oil w/ Texas Tex (American Patriots)
Suave:
“Escondido defends against Big Oil- flying high over record gas prices and, more so, record oil profits.”
BCEW Tag Team Title: Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don Martini © (Independent) vs. A. Tom and Hy Drogen Bomb w/Newt Tron Bomb (American Patriots)
Suave:
“With the exception of a couple weeks, the Drunken Luchadors have dominated BCEW tag teams over the past three years. Is this the time for the Bomb Brothers to finally win the belts?
BCEW Women’s Title: ‘Media Empress’ Opal Winfree © w/Opal’s flock- New Age Sensitive Guy and Soccer Mom, and Barack Obama (Progressive Alliance) vs.
‘KRC’ Kathryn Randall Collins w/Hillary Clinton
Suave:
“Hillary Clinton is in desperate straits. Can she prove that she can lead one of her wrestlers to gold? Can she slow down Barack Obama’s march towards convincing the Progressive Alliance that he is the one to challenge the American Patriot’s John McCain in the fall for BCEW CEO?”
BCEW Title: ‘The Original Rookie Sensation’ Starz N. Stripes © w/John McCain (American Patriots) vs. ‘The New Rookie Sensation’ O’Beck Bahama w/Barack Obama (Progressive Alliance)
Suave:
“Starz N. Stripes has been with BCEW throughout its existence; O’Beck Bahama just a couple months. Can the inexperienced Bahama continue to fast track his growth and become a legitimate contender for the BCEW title? Tonight is another test to see just how far he’s come.”

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HILLARY CLINTON PROMO
Again, Hillary comes out and makes a direct appeal to the Progressive Alliance. She implores Howard Dean and others to let ‘the process’ continue. Clinton: “I never quit. I never give up. Like Rocky Balboa, I know how it feels to stumble. I know how it feels to get knocked down, but I’ve never stayed down and never will. If you think I’m dropping out, you’ve got another thing coming.” Her wrestler, Triple R (Road Rage Randy) joins her. He bitterly complains about BCEW ‘holding him back’ and demands to take his ‘rightful place’ in the BCEW title match. Triple R: “Nothing will stop me. Nothing will keep me from getting what’s rightfully mine- the BCEW title.”

MATCH #1- BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl TESSA MARTIN of the 3 Amigas w/Daisy Cutter-Bomb and “Tequila Sheila” (Independent) vs. DR. ANNABEL ‘Annabel the Cannibal’ LECKTOR w/her handler, FBI Special Agent Charlize Starling (Not sure. Not sure you’d want to know)
Suave: “You know, it’s always disconcerting to see Dr. Lecktor come out with that mask on.” Suave then says it’s even more disconcerting when the referee explains that if Dr. Lecktor tries to remove the mask at any time during the match, she will be immediately disqualified. Sure enough, Dr. Lecktor does. FBI Special Agent Starling uses a cattle prod to try and control her- no luck. Tequila Sheila runs in and gets swatted away by Dr. Leckter. Daisy Cutter-Bomb hits the ring and distracts her enough to allow Tessa Martin to grab an oversized pizza box and pieface Dr. Lecktor with it. Lecktor is knocked out cold. Martin covers and gets the win.

WINNER: BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl TESSA MARTIN

The 3 Amigas celebrate inside the ring. Suave: “A HUGE win for the BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl over a difficult opponent. And what the hell is inside that box?” Tessa opens the box up- it’s another street sign. Suave: “Makes sense.” Suave goes on to say that Martin’s win should move her up in the BCEW Women’s division- ‘where we actually have women who can wrestle.’

Politically Incorrect (Nic Koteen and Al Cahall) comes out some guy from the audience. Suave quickly recognizes who it is and goes to a recap of what happened last week on BCEW Extreme Political TV.

REPLAY OF THE OPENING FROM LAST WEEK
Suave:
“Welcome to BCEW! And special shout out to everyone here tonight who braved the early spring snowstorm that dumped 8 inches on Hudson, Michigan.”The camera pulls tight on one member of the audience who suddenly stands up and declares: “GLOBAL WARMING, MY ASS!”Suave chuckles and starts to run down the show. He’s interrupted when Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop” blares over the sound system. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! HE’S HERE! IT’S THE TREE HUGGIN’, MOCHA CHUGGIN’, TOBACCO COMPANY BUGGIN’, INSANE EXTREME CHAIR SWINGING ALPHA MALE AND ENVIRONMENTAL EXTREME HARDCORE ICON- AL GORE!” As the crowd sings “Don’t stop, thinking about tomorrow,” Gore holds up his mocha, inside an environmentally friendly biodegradable container of course, and chugs it down. Then he spews it out of his mouth into the crowd and then crushes the paper container on his forehead in a manly fashion. Suave: “I wonder what he’s doing here?” The Environmental Extreme Hardcore Icon slowly makes his way through the crowd. Gore pulls out another container of mocha, guzzles it down, spews it into the crowd, and then smashes the container on his forehead. Gore goes up to the guy complaining about global warming and asks, “what did you say?” The guy declares again: “I SAID, GLOBAL WARMING, MY ASS!” Gore: “I see.” Then he hits the guy with a Singapore caneshot. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Gore pulls the guy from the stands and starts caning him, muttering something about ‘the case for global warming has been proved’ over and over.Koteen stands up for the audience guy’s right to complain about global warming advocates. This brings out the Green World Order (GreenPete, ‘Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee, PeaceNick, and Peta from PETA) lead by Darth (Ralph) Nader. Nader, a Pith Lord, decries in all his pithiness big corporations, gas guzzling cars, and accused both the American Patriots and Progressive Alliance of being complicit to the polluting of the environment. GreenPete tells the audience guy to keep his mouth shut. The audience guy threatens to leave his carbon footprint up his butt. This all leads to…MATCH #2 GREENPETE and ‘Extreme Vegan’ BROCK COLE LEE of the Green World Order w/PeaceNick and Peta from PETA (Green) vs. NIC KOTEEN and AL CAHALL of Politically Incorrect w/Audience Guy (Independent)
Pier six brawl with both men in the ring. PeaceNick protests the extreme violence in the ring while Peta from PETA berates someone in the audience because he’s eating a hamburger ringside. Politically Incorrect controls the majority of the match. Then…

*Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Don’t Stop’ blares*

Suave: “HE’S HERE AGAIN?” A man in a red flannel shirt appears in the back. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! HE IS HERE! IT’S THE TREE HUGGIN’, MOCHA CHUGGIN’, TOBACCO COMPANY BUGGIN’, INSANE EXTREME CHAIR SWINGING ALPHA MALE AND ENVIRONMENTAL EXTREME HARDCORE ICON- AL GORE!”

For the next five minutes, all action in the ring stops as Gore makes his entrance. While the crowd sings “Don’t stop, thinking about tomorrow,” Gore holds up his mocha, inside an environmentally friendly biodegradable container of course, and chugs it down. Then he spews it out of his mouth into the crowd and then crushes the paper container on his forehead in a manly fashion. Suave: “This is three weeks in a row. I wonder what he’s doing here, this time?” The Environmental Extreme Hardcore Icon slowly makes his way through the crowd. Gore pulls out another container of mocha, guzzles it down, spews it into the crowd, and then smashes the container on his forehead.

Gore whips out yet another mocha and guzzles it down. Then he hits the ring and Singapore canes Koteen and Cahall. Audience guy thinks about getting into the ring but makes the right choice by staying away. GreenPete covers Koteen and the match is done.

WINNER: GREENPETE and BROCK COLE LEE of the Green World Order

Former Clinton lackey Bill Richardson comes out and defends his choice to support Barack Obama over Hillary Clinton. Richardson tells the BCEW audience that the bitterness and infighting between Barack and Hillary has to end. He states he will not stoop to the low level of Clinton Political Pitbull James Carville by engaging in personal attacks and insults.

Carville comes out and says that’s never stopped him and tackles Richardson. This brings out a referee. Suave: “WE’VE GOT AN IMPROMPTU MATCH!”

MATCH #3 JAMES CARVILLE of the Clinton Political Pitbulls vs. BILL RICHARDSON
Richardson throws Carville off him and stands back up. They circle. Then the other Political Pitbull, Terry McAuliffe, sneaks in and waffles Richardson with a steel-folding chair. Carville joins in rains chairshots on Richardson and leaves him in a heap in the corner. Suave: “That’s enough! Someone needs to…IT’S BILL CLINTON!” Clinton, red-faced, hops in the ring and angrily wags his finger at Richardson. Suave: “CLINTON’S PISSED BECAUSE RICHARDSON’S SIDING WITH BARACK OBAMA!” Clinton gets in a couple shots on Richardson. Suave: “AW, come on! WAIT! HERE COMES BARACK OBAMA, ARIANNA HUFFINGTON AND THE ANGRY LEFT WING BLOGGERS!”

Clinton and the Political Pitbulls bail from the ring. Barack, Huffington, and the Angry Left Wing Bloggers (Daily Kos, Eric Alterman, and Media Matters for America) point and dare the trio to get back into the ring. Clinton grabs a mic. Clinton: “I don’t know what your problem is, but what y’all need to do is chill out.” Then Clinton launches into a tirade over Richardson’s ‘betrayal’ of his wife, claiming that Richardson said ‘five times to my face that he’d never do that.” Then he turned to Obama. Clinton: “You guys had better get it through your head that the political arena is rough and tumble, no holds barred, no quarter given.” Clinton then complains about Obama’s ‘free ride,’ the unfair treatment of his wife Hillary, and questions the fairness of the entire process to determine the Progressive Alliance nominee for BCEW CEO before throwing the microphone down and leaving with Carville and McAuliffe. Suave: “Wow! I am stunned. Totally stunned by what I’ve just witnessed.”

WINNER: NO MATCH

Led by Texas Tex pushing a wheelbarrow overflowing with cash, a smirking Big Oil walks to the ring wearing a brand, spanking new, sparkly robe. Once in the ring, Big Oil holds four fingers in the air. Big Oil: “You know what that’s for, jerks? That’s four dollars a gallon for gas! Keep crying about the prices, but you’ll still go out and put gas in your cars anyways! And I’ll laugh my ass all the way to the bank!” The Hack’s crowd dutifully boos. Big Oil then mocks the truck drivers who staged a semi-slowdown over the gas prices, making gestures with his hands to eyes as if he’s crying. Suave: “What a complete a-hole!”

MATCH #4 BCEW TELEVISION TITLE MATCH- ‘No Frills’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO © (Independent) vs. BIG OIL w/Texas Tex (American Patriots)
Escondido gets a standing ovation. Crowd: “@#$# ‘em up Chris, @#$# ‘em up Chris!” Suave notes that the crowd seems to be solidly behind the television champion, Escondido. Big Oil entices Escondido into a test of strength of which he wins easily. Escondido is on fire early on but Big Oil suplexes him right out of the ring. Texas Tex gets in a few cheap shots with his golden money belt before setting a table up for Big Oil. Escondido draped over the table. Big Oil launches himself from the top rope and plows the TV champ through the table. Crowd: “Holy s@##! Holy s@#$!” Big Oil drags Escondido back into the ring and goes for the cover. One…two… Triple R shoots in out of nowhere and breaks the count with a stiff chairshot to the head. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!”

Big Oil woozy. Triple R plasters him again with the chair and leaves him in the middle of the ring. Escondido, half out of it, sees Big Oil and crawls over. Texas Tex tries to get in to stop the count but it’s too late. One…two…three.

WINNER AND STILL BCEW TELEVISION CHAMPION: “No Frills” CHRIS ESCONDIDO (Independent)

A furious Texas Tex stomps up and down. Suave: “Triple R interferes and costs Big Oil the match!”

BACKSTAGE
BCEW Investigative Reporter Woodward Bernstein interviews the Progressive Alliance’s Nancy Pelosi. Bernstein asks about the ongoing Obama-Clinton feud. Pelosi tells Bernstein that the Progressive Alliance should support the person who seems to be the most successful in leading Progressive Alliance wrestlers to titles. Bernstein: “Does that mean Barack Obama since he’s led ‘Media Empress’ Opal Winfree to the BCEW Women’s title and has O’Beck Bahama challenging for the BCEW Title?” Pelosi: “I’m not going to come out and say it in that way. But, the results speak for themselves.” Pelosi then excuses herself to go into a meeting with a group of wealthy donors who support Hillary Clinton.

MATCH #5 BCEW TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH- DRUNKEN LUCHADORS DAN AND DON MARTINI © (Independent) vs. A. TOM and HY DROGEN BOMB w/Newt Tron Bomb and Lindsay Graham (American Patriots)
John McCain, who recruited the Bomb Brothers back to the American Patriots, is away tonight doing the David Letterman show so Lindsay Graham is standing in for him. The Drunken Luchadors do their usual pre-match routine of guzzling down a bottle of Jack Daniels and then smashing the bottle over their heads. A-Bomb and H-Bomb both make the mistake of charging the inebriated pair who stumble repeatedly out of harms way. A-Bomb and H-Bomb huddle. Then they try a totally new strategy- nothing. A-Bomb and H-Bomb stand on the other side of the ring and do- nothing. After a few minutes, a ‘BOR-RING’ chants starts up. The Martini brothers wobble in their corner. Then they both try to do tandem drop kicks- and miss by five feet, landing flat on the backs and knocking the wind out of them. A-Bomb looks at H-Bomb, wanders over, and sticks his foot on Don Martini’s chest. One…two…three. Suave: “That’s…it? The three year reign of the Drunken Luchadors is over?”

WINNER AND NEW BCEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: A. TOM BOMB and HY DROGEN BOMB (American Patriots)

A-Bomb and H-Bomb both help the Martinis to their feet and the crowd stands and salutes the former BCEW tag team champions. A-Bomb thanks John McCain who ‘promised that if we came back to the American Patriots, he’d get us the belts.’ H-Bomb thanks the Martinis and the former champs get another round of applause. Then Dan and Don Martini projectile vomit all over the Bomb Brothers and pass out. Awkward silence. Then…standing ovation! Suave: “It don’t get any better than this.”

BACKSTAGE
Nancy Pelosi emerges from her meeting. BCEW Investigative Reporter Woodward Bernstein immediately confronts her about what happened with the donors. Pelosi: “We had a fruitful discussion and I believe that we should all let the process of determining the nominee of the Progressive Alliance for BCEW CEO play out before rushing to judgment.” Bernstein: “What? That’s not what you said before you went inside.” Pelosi tersely repeats that the process needed to play out and quickly left.

MATCH #6 BCEW WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH- “Media Empress’ OPAL WINFREE © w/Opal’s Flock- New Age Sensitive Guy and Soccer Mom and Barack Obama (Progressive Alliance) vs. KATHRYN RANDALL COLLINS aka…KRC w/Hillary Clinton and the Clinton Political Pitbulls- James Carville and Terry McAuliffe (Progressive Alliance)
The tension is already high as Opal’s Flock and Barack and HRC and her Political Pitbulls taunt each other. Suave: “Something tells me the referee is going to have a hard time keeping this one under control.” The bell rings and both lock up in the middle of the ring. Opal seems to be moving a little slower as she’s put on a few pounds since the last time we saw her in action. The match is slow going with the excitement going on outside the ring. Small skirmishes break out between New Age Sensitive Guy/Obama and Carville/McAuliffe ringside. The match starts with both women slowly circling around. Suave: “There’s a lot of bad blood in the air right now.” KRC hits a suplex and goes to work on Winfree. Double elbow. European uppercuts. She goes for a suplex and gets reversed. KRC elbows her way out and hits a hot shot to Winfree. She goes for a pin fall but the Women’s champion kicks out. Winfree connects with punches but is reversed by KRC. Drop toe hold followed by more European uppercuts. KRC hits some kicks and again goes for a pin. Two count.

Hillary shouts at the referee about a ‘slow count.’ Opal applies a chin lock. She pushes KRC down. Collins manages to get to her feet and walks into a side suplex followed with a high knee drop and a pin attempt. Carville races across the ring and breaks the count. New Age Sensitive Guy tackles Carville and they flail away at each other. KRC holds on to Opal with a borderline choke hold. The champion tries to hit a couple elbows and is whipped into the corner and collides with the turnbuckle. Hillary motions for the Political Pitbulls and all hell breaks loose. Carville and McAuliffe hold Opal while KRC batters her in the corner. Soccer Mom shouts “IT’S FOR THE CHILDREN!” and kicks Carville in the groin. New Age Sensitive Guy apologizes to McAuliffe and then pastes him with a steel-folding chair. Opal suddenly power bombs KRC and then climbs up on the top turnbuckle. Hillary runs over and pushes her off.

Barack races over and argues with Hillary. The leader of the Progressive Alliance, ‘The American Screamer’ Howard Dean, Nancy Pelosi, and Harry Reid run down to the ring and try to restore order. KRC grabs the chair and cracks it over Opal’s head. Collins then sets the champion up for her finisher- the ‘Politics of Personal Destructor.’ Suave: “This could be it. We could have another title change here and- HOLY CRAP! IT’S ARIANNA HUFFINGTON AND THE ANGRY LEFT WING BLOGGERS……AGAIN!” Huffington wades through the conflagration and distracts KRC. Collins pauses. Arianna blows powder into KRC’s eyes and blinds her. She loses her balance and Opal lands on top of her. One…two…three.

WINNER AND STILL BCEW WOMEN’S CHAMPION: “Media Empress” OPAL WINFREE (Progressive Alliance)

Dean, Pelosi, and Reid form a line of demarcation between Barack and Hillary supporters. Bill Clinton comes down and starts jawing at Barack again. Suave: “We are at Defcon freakin’ 1. It could blow open at any time.” Starz N. Stripes and O’Beck Bahama make their way to the ring for the final match of the night. More pushing and shoving between the Obama/Clinton factions as Dean desperately tries to cool things off.

MATCH #7 BCEW TITLE MATCH- “The Original Rookie Sensation” STARZ N. STRIPES © w/Lindsay Graham (American Patriots) vs. “The New Rookie Sensation” O’BECK BAHAMA w/Barack Obama (Progressive Alliance)
Both men shake hands as a sign of respect. The bell rings. Starz and Bahama lock up. And Triple R runs in and belts Bahama in the back. Dean, Pelosi, and Reid are swallowed by the scrum as the Left Wing Bloggers surge ahead and engage the Clinton Political Pitbulls. Triple R kicks away at Bahama. Triple R then turns and takes a couple shots at the BCEW champion. Suave: “IT’S TOTAL PANDEOMONIUM HERE!” Triple R wails away at Starz in the corner. Big Oil shows up out of nowhere. Suave: “BIG OIL’S OUT HERE TO EVEN THE ODDS!” The big guy rumbles into the ring. He looks at Triple R. He looks at Starz. He lifts Starz up and chokeslams him to the canvas. Suave: “WHAT? BIG OIL JUST CHOKESLAMMED THE BCEW CHAMPION! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?” Triple R nods and piledrives Bahama. Then both men throw Starz and Bahama out of the ring. Suave: “WHY? WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?” MAN’S VOICE: “I’ll tell you.”

The Innovator of Extreme Broadcast Excellence Rush Limbaugh saunters out and joins Big Oil in the ring. Limbaugh: “That’s right. It is I. El Rushbo. The Massrushbi. Talent on loan from God. I’m behind this.” Suave can’t believe it. Limbaugh explains that sometimes, in order to further your agenda you have to make business decisions that involve getting involved with people you wouldn’t normally associate with. Suave: “Huh?” Limbaugh: “Tonight, my friends. You’ve watched my plan come together with the beginning of a new and unique alliance with one single goal- promoting Hillary Clinton as the Progressive Alliance’s nominee for BCEW CEO.” Suave: “WHAT?” Limbaugh: “That’s right. Tonight, you have witnessed the birth of the CHAOTIC ALLIANCE OF CONVENIENCE!” Big Oil and Triple R raise each others arm. Suave: “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. I DON’T BELIEVE IT!” Limbaugh joins Big Oil on one side and Hillary joins Triple R on the other. Suave: “I DON’T BELIEVE WHAT I’M SEEING! BIG OIL! TRIPLE R! THE TWO BIGGEST A-HOLES IN BCEW HAVE JOINED TOGETHER IN AN UNHOLY ALLIANCE TO GET HILLARY CLINTON THE PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE NOMINATION! WHAT HAPPENS NOW? WE’LL FIND OUT ON APRIL 14TH ON BCEW EXTREME POLITICAL TV!”

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J.D. Elder’s new novel Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction features BCEW and several characters in the story. Check out this funny and occasionally biting political satire at: http://www.bucklandcounty.com/

Lulu.com http://www.lulu.com/content/1859341

Amazon.com http://www.amazon.com/Loose-Cannons-Weapons-Political-Destruction/dp/143570942X

Press release http://politicalwrestling.wordpress.com/2008/03/02/press-release-loose-cannons-and-other-weapons-of-mass-political-destruction/

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BCEW is online at:
Wordpress http://politicalwrestling.wordpress.com/

Blogger.com http://bucklandcounty.blogspot.com/

AOL http://journals.aol.com/jjdelder/BucklandCounty/

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http://screwthebcs.blogspot.com/

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2/26- BCEW Extreme Political TV

BCEW POLITICAL EXTREME TV – Feb 26th
From BCEW Hall in Eagle Rock, Ohio
Host: Johnny Suave

Suave’s in the ring.

Suave: “We now know that it’ll be ‘The Original Rookie Sensation’ Starz N. Stripes with John McCain versus ‘The New Rookie Sensation’ O’Beck Bahama with Barack Obama and Arianna Huffington and the Angry Left Wing Bloggers versus the winner of tonight’s independent main event- ‘The Insanely Smelling Luchador’ Halitosis taking on D.B. Ruff of Rough Justice.”

Suave recaps the aftermath of last week’s Starz N. Stripes/Mike the Mechanic match. Starz just got the pin on Mike when Bill Keller and Paul Krugman of the New York Times attack John McCain. Starz tries to help but gets overwhelmed when the rest of the Angry Left Wing Bloggers (Eric Alterman, Daily Kos, and Media Matters for America) join in. Then the unthinkable takes place, Rush Limbaugh, Laura Ingraham, and Sean Hannity run out to McCain’s defense.

BACKSTAGE
Ann Coulter is beside herself. She confronts Limbaugh, Ingraham, and Hannity. Coulter: “How could you? How could you come to John McCain’s aid after everything we’ve tried to do to stop him?” Limbaugh, Ingraham, and Hannity all look at each other and then reply: “New York Times.” Coulter: “That’s stupid! OOOHHHH!” Coulter turns and stomps away.

MATCH #1 ‘Defense Expert’ HALLIE BURTON, ‘Right Wing Blogger’ MICHELLE MALKIN, and ‘The Queen of Political Extreme’ ANN COULTER (American Patriots) vs. TEQUILA SHEILA, “BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ TESSA MARTIN, and DAISY CUTTER-BOMB (Independent)
Suave: “Well? I guess this is take three. The last two weeks, Ann Coulter has proved why she is the ‘Queen of Political Extreme’ by destroying both Tessa Martin and Tequila Sheila before their match was to have began. Tonight, it’s a cage match.” Tequila Sheila, serenaded by the BCEW Hall crowd to the Bobby Bare song, ‘Tequila Sheila,’ is the last one of the Independent team to enter the cage. Tessa wields an extra-large pizza box and Daisy Cutter-Bomb has her Singapore cane at the ready.

Coulter, Hallie Burton, and Michelle Malkin arrive next. ‘The Queen of Political Extreme’ enters the cage and immediately starts chirping at all three of her opponents. There’s commotion on the floor and a creepy guy accosts both Hallie Burton and Michelle Malkin. Suave: “WAIT A MINUTE! HOLY CRAP! WHAT THE HELL IS GARY BUSEY DOING HERE?” Busey, fresh off his unnerving appearance on the red carpet at the Oscars, hugs both Burton and Malkin. Both women look horrified. Burton tries to spin away and in the process shuts the cage, trapping Coulter inside with all three of their opponents. Burton and Malkin run away with Busey in hot pursuit.

Coulter suddenly realizes she’s in big trouble. She suddenly tries to make nice with her opponents. Coulter: “Remember all those things I said and did the last couple weeks? Well, it was all just a misunderstanding…yeah, that’s it…it was all a mistake-” *WHAP* Suave: “HOLY CRAP! BCEW EXTREME PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL TESSA MARTIN JUST SMACKED COULTER IN THE KISSER WITH THE PIZZA BOX! WHAT THE HELL IS INSIDE…” Tessa tears opens the box. It’s a road sign. Suave: “Ahhh, makes sense now.” Tequila Sheila then pours a blender full of tequila onto the semi-conscious Coulter. Daisy then drags Coulter up by her long, blond mane and finishes her off with a ‘Daisy Cutter Power-Bomb.’ Daisy sticks her foot on Coulter’s chest. 1-2-3.

WINNER: TEQUILA SHEILA, ‘BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ TESSA MARTIN, and DAISY CUTTER-BOMB (Independent)

JOHN McCAIN SEGMENT
Cincinnati talk show radio personality Bill Cunningham is in the process of introducing John McCain. Cunningham gets off topic and goes off on Barack Obama. Cunningham: “Obama is a hack, Chicago-style Daley politician who’s picturing himself as change. When he gets done with you, all you’re going to have in your pocket is change.” Cunningham continued to mock Obama, calling him “Barack Hussein Obama,” the “fraud from Chicago” and finishing with “if Obama were to be elected president he would meet with the leaders of enemy nations, world leaders who want to kill us,” they’ll all be “singing Kumbaya together around the table with Barack Obama.”

*Def Leppard’s ‘Rock, Rock til You Drop blares*

‘The Extreme Equalizer’ Whiskey Tango Foxtrot runs out and clotheslines Cunningham. Then he powerbombs Cunningham off the stage and through a table.

Thankfully, Suave then comes back on and recaps last week’s Progressive Alliance three-way dance between ‘The New Rookie Sensation’ O’Beck Bahama with Barack Obama, DLC with Hillary Clinton, and Triple R (Road Rage Randy) with Arianna Huffington and the Angry Left Wing Bloggers. Suave: “First, the Clintons and their Political Pitbulls turned on DLC and sided with Triple R. Then this happened…”

Triple R shakes hands with Hillary and both HRC and Bill seem extremely pleased with themselves. Hillary gets on the mic. She stridently says that she’ll do anything to be the leader of the Progressive Alliance and the new BCEW CEO. That’s why she’s teamed up with Triple R because he shares the same drive and determination. Arianna Huffington and the Angry Left Wing Bloggers watch, not sure of what just happened. Bahama is still groggy in the ring. Triple R climbs back in the ring and circles him. Hillary yells at Triple R to finish him. Obama yells at Bahama to move. Triple R stomps at the New Rookie Sensation. Jacknife powerbomb by Triple R. Triple R to cover but Obama gets in the ring. The crowd noise increases when Triple R breaks his own cover and stands up. Hillary screams at Triple R to take Obama out. Triple R steps towards him. A fracas breaks out outside the ring. The Angry Left Wing Bloggers vs. the Clinton Political Pitbulls? Hillary turns and can’t believe what’s going on. She screeches at the left wing bloggers to stop. Triple R turns back to see what’s going on. Arianna blows powder into his face and blinds him. Bahama low-blows Triple R. Bahama covers. Bill Clinton tries to get into the ring but Barack cuts him off. 1-2-3.

TRIPLE R, HILLARY CLINTON PROMO
The perpetual angry highway warrior, Triple R (Road Rage Randy), defiantly declares that ‘it’s still not over.’ Triple R: “Despite the fact that the entire Progressive Alliance is against me, I’m still here and I’m still fighting.” Hillary Clinton joins him. Hillary: “Just because Triple R was pinned last week doesn’t mean that we’ve lost. It took outside interference on the part of Barack Obama, Arianna Huffington, and the rest of her mob to put an inexperienced and untested O’Beck Bahama over.” Hillary then complains that people complain when her Political Pitbulls (James Carville and Terry McAuliffe) intervene to ensure ‘fairness’ but when Obama teams up with Arianna and the Angry Left Wing Bloggers no one says a word. Hillary: “I’m tested and ready to go and I’m not giving up without a fight.”

Triple R: “It won’t be over until the referee counts to three and declares the next BCEW Champion and I’ll guarantee you that it’ll be me.”

Suave: “Yeah, right. It’s hard to win if you’re not one of the participants.”

Suave then recaps the BCEW Tag Team Championship match last week between the champions, Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don Martini vs. The Green World Order (Brock Cole Lee and GreenPete). Again, the GWO is thwarted when GreenPete gets projectile vomited on by both Dan and Don Martini.

GREEN WORLD ORDER SEGMENT
‘Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee, GreenPete, PeaceNick, and Peta from PETA are inside the ring. Lee opens up by stating that the Progressive Alliance hasn’t lifted a finger to help them defeat the BCEW Tag Team champions. Brock Cole Lee: “So as of this moment, the Green World Order is no longer a part of the Progressive Alliance.” PeaceNick: “Good. It’s about time we quit pro wrestling. It’s too violent and-” Lee interrupts PeaceNick and tells him that the GWO is not quitting wrestling. PeaceNick pouts. Lee: “But if the Progressive Alliance won’t protect us, then we’ll turn somewhere else.” At that moment, the house lights go down. Suave: “Okay. What’s going on?” The house lights come back up and Darth Nader now stands with the Green World Order. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! HE’S BACK? DARTH NADER IS BACK?”

Suave goes back to the second ever BCEW pay per view, “Revenge of the Pith,” to show Darth Nader’s seeming demise at the hands of Towel Guy. BCEW CEO George W had just sent Towel Guy out to ‘wipe down the ring ropes’ when in actuality, he was throwing the unknowing Towel Guy out there to be destroyed by Darth Nader.

REPLAY OF THE END OF BCEW ‘REVENGE OF THE PITH’
The lights go down. When the lights come back up, Towel Guy, in the middle of washing down the middle rope, finds himself in the same ring with Darth Nader and King Palpatate. “Oh God no,” Suave says as Towel Guy, wearing the BCEW Men’s championship belt is cornered with nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. “Soon a new empire will rule BCEW! A new era is about to be-” gloats Palpatate as in a fit of desperation, Towel Guy heaves his bucket of water at Nader. The bucket finds its target and the water short circuits Nader’s mechanized suit. That in turn causes a massive wave of electricity to shoot into Nader’s body that kills him instantly. Nader’s smoking body falls to the canvas. “Oh #@$$,” a stunned Palpatate says. “TOWEL GUY SAVES THE DAY!” shouts Suave as the entire roster comes out and lifts Towel Guy up in the air to take him back to the locker room. Palpatate stands over the still smoking Nader. “Well, at least the suit didn’t melt him,” Palpatate says. Nader’s suit then overheats, becomes super hot, and then totally melts- Nader included. “EWWWWW!” a grossed out Palpatate groans.

Suave: “So, I thought you’d melted into a pile of primordial goo?”

Darth Nader: “I got better.”

Suave: “Oh.”

Nader then declares that ‘he’s back’ and while he no longer has the ability to shoot streams of electricity from his hands or the ability to channel the dark green side to choke people out, Nader still believes that he could be a…‘force.’ Groans from the BCEW Hall crowd. Nader then throws his hat into the BCEW CEO race. More groans from the BCEW Hall crowd. Darth Nader continues to drone on in all his pithiness until Halitosis and D.B. Ruff come out for the main event.

MATCH #2 FINALS OF THE INDEPENDENT TOURNAMENT- ‘The Insanely Smelling Luchador’ HALITOSIS vs. D.B. RUFF of Rough Justice- two former police officers fired for their rough, often over the top, and extreme style of justice w/Conner Justice
Suave: “It’s pretty simple- the winner wrestles for the BCEW title next week in Ohio.” Halitosis attacks before the bell, and before Darth Nader, who doesn’t move very well anymore, can clear the ring. Nader gets spun around as Halitosis hits several high flying moves on Ruff, who wisely slides out of the ring to regroup. The Green World Order pull Nader out of harm’s way as Halitosis springboards from the top rope and crossbodies Ruff on the floor. Ruff’s partner, Conner Justice, immediately attacks Halitosis and Rough Justice doubleteams the ‘Insanely Smelling Luchador.’ Halitosis gets put through a table but miraculously kicks out when Ruff goes for the cover. Halitosis ‘recovers’ and mounts an offense, using kicks and a sweet top rope missile dropkick on Ruff. Halitosis goes for another one but Justice pushes the referee into the way and the poor ref nearly gets his head taken off.

The ref down, both Ruff and Justice liberally double team Halitosis. Chairshot by Ruff. Chairshot by Justice. Halitosis staggers backwards. Justice brandishes a taser. Suave: “Oh, oh. This could be it.” Justice reaches towards Halitosis. Gary Busey suddenly reappears and runs in between Justice and Halitosis, clipping Justice’s arm and… *ZAPPPP*…causing him to hit Ruff with the taser instead. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Justice immediately takes off after Busey. In the confusion, Halitosis covers Ruff. The referee wakes up and starts the count. 1…2…3…

WINNER: ‘The Insanely Smelling Luchador’ HALITOSIS

Suave: “UNBELIEVABLE! HALITOSIS WINS THE INDEPENDENT TOURNAMENT AND HE WILL BE WRESTLING NEXT WEEK FOR THE BCEW TITLE!

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