Outside the high school, a series of limos pull up. Suave: “It looks like the big guns are here tonight in Pikeville, Kentucky after this happened over the weekend.
Replay: Dawn McGill vs. PCW Television Champion Valora Salinas at Norfolk, VA
…McGill body slams Valora. She rolls the TV champ over and locks in the Katajime. Valora taps out.
Suave: “That’s right. Saturday night in Norfolk, Virginia, ‘The 6 Foot Demolition Machine in a Short Skirt’ and former Army Ranger Dawn McGill defeated Valora Salinas for the PCW Television title!”
*The beginning of The Beastie Boys‘ “Sabotage” begins to play*
The crowd stands and cheers as McGill, flanked by her tag team partner Svetlana Kovalevski, appears.
I can’t stand it, I know you planned it
I’m gonna set it straight, this Watergate
I can’t stand rocking when I’m in here
‘Cause your crystal ball ain’t so crystal clear
So while you sit back and wonder why
I got this fucking thorn in my side
Oh my God, it’s a mirage
I’m tellin’ y’all, it’s a sabotage
McGill holds the PCW TV belt in the air and heads to the ring. Suave: “McGill to the ring. I wonder what she’ll have to say about what happened?” McGill climbs in with Svetlana and takes the mic.
McGill: “How’s it going, Pikeville?” She pauses as the crowd roars. McGill: “Without getting into the specifics, Valora Salinas has moved on to bigger and better things. Let’s give her a round of applause for everything she’s done for PCW!” Again, the crowd roars. McGill: “Tonight, we may have a new PCW Television champion, but I promise you that I will finish what Valora set out to do. I will take the fight to the Republicans and Democrats and will be YOUR champion!”
Voice: “Hold on. Hold on a minute!” Suave: “HOLY CRAP! It’s PCW Competition Committee Chief John Boehner (R-OH)!” Boehner, accompanied by Eric Cantor (R-VA) and Paul Ryan (R-WI), strides to the ring. Boehner takes the microphone. Boehner: “Here’s the problem. *I*, as the Chief of the PCW Competition Committee, never authorized a title match to take place in Norfolk.” McGill: Perhaps, that’s because you and your cronies were too busy at Mitt Romney‘s (R-MA) big soiree!” The crowd cheers again. Boehner: “Very funny, Dawn. Look, I don’t know what’s going on or why Valora left PCW, but I do know this, you will have to earn that title.” The crowd boos. Boehner: “That’s why you will defend the TV Title tonight against Texas Jack!”
Voice: “Not so fast!” Suave: “IT’S HARRY REID (D-NV)!” Reid, Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), and Chuck Schumer (D-NY) steam towards the ring. Reid: “Miss McGill, I’m afraid that as the Chief of the PCW Executive Committee, I, too, must raise an objection to what went down Saturday night because I was never notified of the situation.” Reid confronts Boehner. Reid: “Plus, there’s no way in hell I’m letting the Republicans have a free pass to win another title.” McGill: “EXCUSE ME?” McGill takes a steps towards Reid but Schumer gets in her way.
Reid:”So, tonight. You will also be facing a Democratic challenger for the PCW Television Title- DANIEL-SAN!”
McGill swipes the microphone from Reid. McGill:”You want it; you got it. Let’s do it…NOW!” The crowd roars as McGill motions to the back for the challengers to come to the ring. First, it’s Texas Jack (R) who runs to the ring. He slides in and both combatants start whaling away at each other. Then the former PCW Champion Daniel-San (D) hits the ring and joins in.
MATCH #1- PCW Television Title Match:
Dawn McGill (c) w/Svetlana Kovalevski vs. Texas Jack (R) w/’Texas Cowgirl’ Haley Dallas vs. Daniel-San (D)
Texas Jack goes right after McGill. McGill drills him with a right hand. Daniel-San tries to sneak up on her from behind and gets met with a body slam. Suave: “McGill means business tonight. She looks like she’s in the best shape of her life. Jack goes after Daniel-San and hits him with a back elbow. Texas Jack lifts Daniel-San, but the former champion slips out the back and kicks his leg. Jack is sent to the outside through the ropes. McGill tries to sneak in a pin on Daniel-San and gets a 1 count.
Daniel-San up and locks up with McGill. Side headlock from McGill. Daniel-San sends her into the ropes and hits a shoulderblock. Irish whip again by Daniel-San, he hops up and McGill slaps on the Testicular Claw while Daniel-San in mid-air. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Daniel-San screams and tries to pry McGill’s hands off his balls. Texas Jack back in the ring and Atomic Drops McGill from behind. Daniel-San pounces and sets McGill in the Mexican Surfboard as Jack watches. Cover from Danel-San…1…2…kick out! McGill rolls out of the ring. Daniel-San dives through the ropes and runs right into a hard uppercut from Svetlana Kovalevski ringside. Texas Jack on the apron, flies, and lariats Svetlana. Then he sends Daniel-San back first into the barricade. Crowd:”PCW!…PCW!…”
Announcer Guy: “And now, a public service announcement from Jill Berg.”
*The opening notes of Whitney Houston’s version of ‘The Greatest Love of All’ starts to play*
“I believe the children are our are future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier…”
Jill Berg appears with two children flanking her.
JILL: Hi. I’m Jill Berg. I believe the children are our future. Communities statewide are recognizing that healthy childhood experiences are not just good for children, but good for their communities as well. It’s simple really. The actions we take, like parent-child interaction, reading and constructive play, can promote healthy child development.”
“Everybody searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone to fulfill my needs
A lonely place to be
So I learned to depend on me…”
The scene shifts to Jill sitting on a couch with children playing in front of her. She leans forward with her chin resting on her hand.
JILL: “Unfortunately, children are sometimes exposed to intensive stress. Too much stress is bad for anyone but it can be devastating to child development.”
Behind Jill, one boy leaps across the couch and tackles another boy.
JILL: “At a time when we all care about the economy and its effect on the family, it just makes sense to spend more time learning how stable, nurturing relationships influence a child’s developing brain and provide a foundation for all future development.”
Another boy stands on the arm of the couch, preparing to jump.
Child: “TO THE EXTREME!”
He leaps and lands a flying elbow.
JILL: “So, promote healthy child development. Take time out to play with your child-YOW!”
The camera slides back to show a young girl with a mischevious grin on her face and her foot on Jill’s expensive heels.
JILL: “Take the time to play with your child. And you and your child will be the better for it. I, Jill Berg, will do my part as well because I’m not just wrestling for me- I’m wrestling for the children!”
Suave: “What the hell was THAT?”
Both men down, and McGill is going up top. Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi start over to intercept her but Daniel-San is up first. He flies towards and goes for a high back elbow. But McGill jumps down and suplexes him up and over the top rope- eliminating Daniel-San from the match. Reid and Pelosi throw a fit ringside.
Texas Jacksneaks up from behind and whacks McGill. She’s sets up for a Superplex, but Svetlana is back and makes the save! McGill rolls Jack up. Boehner on the apron and distracts the referee. Suave: “Oh, come on!” The ref finally slides in and makes the count for 2. McGill and Svetlana kick Jack’s knees and get in a double suplex. McGill goes martial arts on Texas Jack. She hits a kick and then follows with a heel kick to the face. Svetlana with a chair- nooo, Texas Jack ducks and runs right into a hand from McGill. ’Texas Cowgirl’ Haley Dallas comes running in to help Texas Jack but Svetlana cuts her off and sends her over the rope! McGill goes top rope- she hits for the suicide dive! McGill slingshots Jack towards the ropes- belly to belly suplex! McGill for the pin- NO! Jack’s feet are on the ropes! Jack sends McGill into the corner. Dallas swings a chair and misses. McGill stumbles forward right into a sidewalk slam and a pin for 1…2…NO! Jack goes up top! Clothesline…NO! McGill ducks- KATAHAJIME!!! Dallas desperately tries to get into the ring. Svetlana races around and pulls her off the apron. Boehner up on the apron…Jack fading…HE TAPS!
WINNER AND STILL PCW TELEVISION CHAMPION: Dawn McGill @ 18:32
POLITICAL CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING IS PRESENTED BY:
Miss USA nervously paces in her dressing room. Suave: Ann Romney has put the full court press on to woo Miss USA into the Republican camp. We’ll find out later tonight just what Miss USA is going to do.”
Bill Maher and Rachel Maddow are in the ring to dispute the notion that they are partisans. The problem is that the crowd isn’t buying it. Maher: “We can’t help that people who disagree with us should be locked up in mental hospitals because they’re not as intelligent as we are.” Maddow:”Yeah, if you think I’m a partisan then you haven’t watched my show.” Voice:”I have…”
Charlie Blackwell of the American Heartland Coalition comes out and calls them hypocrites. Blackwell: “You accuse Fox News of being so bad but yet you’re no better than they are!” Of course, Maher and Maddow take great offense to this and call to the back. Suave: “Who are they calling?”
Triple R (Road Rage Randy) (D)
Suave: “Oh, oh.” Triple R hits the ring and clobbers Blackwell from behind. He starts kicking away and Maher and Maddow join in.
Do you hear the people sing?
Singing a song of angry men?
It is the music of a people
Who will not be slaves again!
When the beating of your heart
Echoes the beating of the drums
There is a life about to start
When tomorrow comes!
Suave: “HERE COMES BLACKWELL’S LES MISERABLES!!!” Triple R, Maher, and Maddow escape and make their way to the back.
Announcer Guy: “And now, a public service announcement from Jill Berg.”
Jill Berg stands in front of an animal shelter.
JILL: “Hi. I’m Jill Berg for the ‘Guard Dogs for the Poor’ Foundation. One of the goals of ‘Guard Dogs for the Poor’ to facilitate positive interactions between neighbors by creating a safe neighborhood for everyone. ‘Guard Dogs for the Poor goes to local pet shelters and find dogs to train into guard dogs.”
Scene shifts to inside a dog training facility.
JILL: “Thousands of “child-friendly” dogs are trained every month to be matched up with a poor family and help provide a safe, comforting presence. The dogs go through specialized training before they are released to the family…”
A handler works with a dog.
JILL: “Here, the dog is trained to immediately identify an intruder inside the house and the appropriate way to respond.”
A life-size cardboard cut-out of Michael Vick is wheeled into view. The dog growls and immediately takes off. He leaps and bites the cardboard cut-out in the balls and tears it in half.
JILL: “Now, the dog is taught how to appropriately interact with children.”
Scene changes to a split second of a dog humping the handler’s leg, followed by a quick scene shift to the same dog, obviously sedated, laying in a child’s lap being petted.
Scene changes to Jill walking down the hallway of a house.
JILL: “There are some important rules to follow if you take in one of these animals. The big one is to take responsibility for your pet and never paw it off…ha…ha…on someone else. These dogs will literally give their lives to protect yours. Treat them with the respect they-”
The hostile growl of a dog interrupts her.
Jill looks into a room. One of the guard dogs has spotted her and seems to have unpleasant intentions.
Scene changes to Jill and several children. Jill has a large bandage on her right arm.
JILL: So, support the ‘Guard Dogs for the Poor’ foundation. I’m Jill Berg, reminding you that…I’m not just wrestling for me- I’m wrestling for the children!”
Bill Maher and Rachel Maddow are met by Janene Garofalo. Garofalo congratulates them and calls the people jeering them racists. Garofalo: “They’re all racists- just like all the Republicans.”
PCW Investigative Reporter Woodward Bernstein talks to Brad Company. Company took PCW to the Super Court over PCW CEO Barack Obama’s (D-IL) health care inititive that required all PCW employees to purchase health insurance. Bernstein asks if Company is nervous about the outcome. Company: “Yes…and no. I think the PCW Super Court will do the right thing-”
Jan Brewer (R-AZ) and Sheriff Joe Arpaio (R-AZ) walk by. Bernstein breaks off the interview and runs over to Brewer to get her comment on the PCW Super Court’s ruling against the Arizona Immigration Law. Brewer: “Bottom line is PCW CEO Obama and his lackeys are telling Arizona to drop dead. They are just leaving us alone to fight our fight on ourselves. It’s absolutely obvious that they’ve made Arizona a target.”
MISS USA ANNOUNCEMENT
PCW Women’s Champion Miss USA is in the ring to make her announcement. There’s a table in front of her with a contract to join the Republicans. Miss USA: After giving this much thought, I’ve come to a decision. I’m going to wrestle for everyone- not just the Republicans. So, I’m afraid I’m going to have to turn down their offer. Suave: “There you have it. Miss USA is not going to join the-”
The video screen goes to just outside a dressing room in the back. A police escort is waiting at the door. One of the policemen knocks on the door.
Policeman: “Ms. Berg. It’s time.”
Suave: “JILL-BERG? JILL BERG IS BACK?.”
The door opens and four large male bodybuilding types walk out of the dressing room surrounding a petite woman and her male assistant in the middle. The woman is busy talking on her cell phone while the man furiously scribbles down notes as the group makes their way towards the ring.
The procession emerges from the back and starts their way down the ramp.
The male assistant has a microphone and a portable tape recorder. He flips it on.
The group then continues towards the ring leaving the police escort behind.
The four bodyguards assist Ms. Berg into the ring. She and her assistant immediately go to a corner.
Berg continues to talk on her cell phone while protected by two of the bodybuilders.
The second Berg gets into the ring, the other bodyguards immediately attack Miss USA. Berg stays in her corner and talks on her cell phone. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Miss USA gets her clock cleaned by the bodyguards. Berg: “Hold on.” She hands the phone to her assistant. Berg chops Miss USA with a knife edge chop to the back of her head. Then she whirls around and nails a spinning heel/buzzsaw kick. Miss USA falls to the canvas unconscious.
Berg walks over to the table and signs off on the contract.
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