From the Defiance Auditorium, Defiance, OH.
Host: Johnny Suave
BCEW OVERVIEW (for the uninitiated):
Hack’s Crowd: “BCEW!…BCEW!”
Johnny Suave: “Welcome to BCEW! We are one week away from the next BCEW Tourstop Across America show in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.” Suave then goes right to the ring for the first match.
MATCH #1 EXTREME CATFIGHT- ‘The Queen of Political Extreme’ ANN COULTER (American Patriots) vs. ‘The Air America Audio Assassin’ RANDI RHODES (Progressive Alliance)
Rhodes rushes across the ring. Coulter skips the ring and both women jaw at each other. Rhodes dares her to get back in the ring. Finally, Coulter does and she charges at Rhodes. Rhodes immediately ducks under the rope and it’s her turn to take a time out outside the ring. More trash-talking back and forth. The crowd begins to get antsy as the process repeats itself. Rhodes goes after Coulter- Coulter leaves the ring. Coulter goes after Rhodes- Rhodes ducks out. More harsh words exchanged. Crowd chants: “Bor-ing!”
Rhodes tries to lock up with Coulter. Coulter slips free and again exits the ring. This time, Rhodes demands a microphone. Then she unleashes a blistering, profane verbal assault on the ‘Queen of Political Extreme.’ Coulter, watching Rhodes, gets clocked from behind out of nowhere. Suave: “Wait a minute! That’s the BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin.” Martin swings an oversized pizza box and pastes Coulter with it. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! SHE JUST TOOK OFF COULTER’S HEAD WITH A PIZZA BOX!” The BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl stands over Coulter with three fingers in the air. Suave wonders what’s going on.
He finds out soon enough. While Rhodes is distracted, Daisy Cutter-Bomb slides in behind and cracks her in the back with a Singapore cane. She holds up three fingers as the third member of the triumvirate, waitress Tequila Sheila, joins Daisy and Tessa in the ring. Daisy takes the mic from Rhodes and proclaims that the 3 Amigas- a pizza delivery driver, a waitress, and a college student, are sick and tired of big mouths like Coulter and Rhodes speaking for them. Suave: “I didn’t know Daisy was going to college.” Tessa speaks up that the 3 Amigas are standing with those whose lagging wages that aren’t keeping up with the increasing cost of living. Tessa: “Tonight, not only am I challenging Kathryn Randall Collins to become the number one contender for the BCEW women’s title, I’m challenging the elites of both the Progressive Alliance and American Patriots.”
Suave recaps the formation of the CAC- Chaotic Alliance of Convenience at BCEW’s Night of Champions. Suave: “During the BCEW title match between Starz N. Stripes of the American Patriots and O’Beck Bahama, the unthinkable happened.”
REPLAY OF STARZ N. STRIPES- O’BECK BAHAMA from BCEW Night of Champions
The bell rings. Starz and Bahama lock up. And Triple R runs in and belts Bahama in the back. Dean, Pelosi, and Reid are swallowed by the scrum as the Left Wing Bloggers surge ahead and engage the Clinton Political Pitbulls. Triple R kicks away at Bahama. Triple R then turns and takes a couple shots at the BCEW champion. Suave: “IT’S TOTAL PANDEOMONIUM HERE!” Triple R wails away at Starz in the corner. Big Oil shows up out of nowhere. Suave: “BIG OIL’S OUT HERE TO EVEN THE ODDS!” The big guy rumbles into the ring. He looks at Triple R. He looks at Starz. He lifts Starz up and chokeslams him to the canvas. Suave: “WHAT? BIG OIL JUST CHOKESLAMMED THE BCEW CHAMPION! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?” Triple R nods and piledrives Bahama. Then both men throw Starz and Bahama out of the ring. Suave: “WHY? WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?” MAN’S VOICE: “I’ll tell you.”The Innovator of Extreme Broadcast Excellence Rush Limbaugh saunters out and joins Big Oil in the ring. Limbaugh: “That’s right. It is I. El Rushbo. The Massrushbi. Talent on loan from God. I’m behind this.” Suave can’t believe it. Limbaugh explains that sometimes, in order to further your agenda you have to make business decisions that involve getting involved with people you wouldn’t normally associate with. Suave: “Huh?” Limbaugh: “Tonight, my friends. You’ve watched my plan come together with the beginning of a new and unique alliance with one single goal- promoting Hillary Clinton as the Progressive Alliance’s nominee for BCEW CEO.” Suave: “WHAT?” Limbaugh: “That’s right. Tonight, you have witnessed the birth of the CHAOTIC ALLIANCE OF CONVENIENCE!” Big Oil and Triple R raise each others arm. Suave: “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. I DON’T BELIEVE IT!” Limbaugh joins Big Oil on one side and Hillary joins Triple R on the other. Suave: “I DON’T BELIEVE WHAT I’M SEEING! BIG OIL! TRIPLE R! THE TWO BIGGEST A-HOLES IN BCEW HAVE JOINED TOGETHER IN AN UNHOLY ALLIANCE TO GET HILLARY CLINTON THE PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE NOMINATION!”
Hillary Clinton comes out all decked in hunting gear and holding a shotgun. Hillary: “I suppose you’ve heard the recent comments made by Barack Obama?” Let’s listen to this…”
“It’s not surprising, then, that they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.”
Hillary tsks tsks and blasts off again on Obama, calling him ‘elitist’ and ‘out of touch.’ Hillary then tries to prove that she relates to ordinary folk by showing off her shooting skills. There’s a target fifty yards down range. She aims… and she fires. The recoil of the shotgun causes her to shoot straight up in the air. Hillary looks up. HRC: “Oh s@#@!” Then she runs for her life. Tech people, cameramen, everyone scatters.
MATCH #2 BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl TESSA MARTIN of the 3 Amigas w/Daisy Cutter-Bomb and Tequila Sheila (Independent) vs. KATHRYN RANDALL COLLINS (KRC) w/ the Clinton Political Pitbulls- James Carville and Terry McAuliffe (Progressive Alliance)
Suave: “The winner is the new #1 contender for the BCEW Women’s Title! Can the BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl take the next step?” Tessa comes out on fire. She takes down KRC with an Indian Deathlock and then trades submission leg moves with her. Finally, Collins bails from the ring. Tessa climbs the top rope and splashes KRC on the outside. Tessa whips KRC into the guardrail. Guillotine leg drop. Butterfly facelock by Tessa into a leg-scissors bridge. 2 count before KRC gets one shoulder up. She looks over at the Clinton Political Pitbulls as Tessa traps her against the guardrail. Hillary Clinton, still dressed in hunter’s garb, sneaks over and pulls Tessa’s leg allowing KRC to escape. Daisy Cutter-Bomb makes her way over to confront HRC but Carville and McAuliffe keep her at arms length.
Pissed off about the interference, Tessa drapes KRC’s leg over the guardrail. Missile dropkick by Tessa, KRC tumbles off the guardrail. Suave: “She’s throwing everything but the kitchen sink at Collins! AND SHE’S GOING FOR HER PIZZA BOX!” KRC staggers back to her feet. Tessa swings the box at her and whiffs. KRC high tails it around the corner with the BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl in pursuit. Tessa swings again and misses. This time, she accidently catches Carville with the loaded pizza box. Carville down. McAuliffe tries to wrench the box from Tessa. Tequila Sheila scoots up and across the ring and launches herself through the ring ropes at McAuliffe. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! HIGH RISK, MISSILE DROP KICK FROM THE RING!” McAuliffe tumbles into the ring table. KRC superkicks the pizza box into Tessa’s face. Cover. Daisy Cutter-Bomb tries to break the count. Too late. 1-2-3.
WINNER AND THE #1 CONTENDER FOR THE BCEW WOMEN’S TITLE: KATHRYN RANDALL COLLINS (KRC)
Suave: “KRC gets the win and next week at BCEW Keystone State Khaos, she meets BCEW Women’s Champion, ‘Media Empress’ Opal Winfree, managed by Barack Obama.
In the ring afterwards, Hillary pours whiskey into a shot glass and throws it down to celebrate KRC’s win. Barack Obama: “Oh, that’s enough. First, you’re Annie Oakley shooting a gun like Elmer Fudd. Now you’re doing shots? Have you no shame? You’ll say anything, do anything, and be anything to win.” Hillary poo-poos him, calling Barack bitter over the fact that he’s been exposed, thanks to the tape of his remarks in San Francisco. Hillary: “Next week at BCEW Keystone State Khaos, Kathryn Randall Collins will become the new BCEW Women’s champion and Triple R will defeat O’Beck Bahama. Next week, I will prove once and for all that I am the only one who can lead the Progressive Alliance forward and become the next BCEW CEO.”
HOWARD DEAN’S OFFICE
Jack and Bull Schmitt, slip into Dean’s office. Suave: “Interesting. Could the Progressive Alliance be courting the Schmitt Brothers?” Suave explains that the Progressive Alliance is in desperate need of a top notch tag team and the Schmitt Brothers would fit the bill. Suave: “And that’s no Schmitt……” Awkward silence. Suave: “Yeah, I can’t believe I went there either.”
The audience guy, who was caned by Al Gore on the 3/24 BCEW Extreme Political TV and confronted by the Green World Order at BCEW Night of Champions on 4/1, is back in the ring. He refers to himself as an average joe fed up with the average guy getting screwed over. ‘Average Joe’ again questions the whole global warming crusade. Average Joe: “How do we know that this isn’t anything more than a cycle the planet’s going through?”
*Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Don’t Stop’ plays*
Suave: “IT’S THE TREE HUGGIN’, MOCHA CHUGGIN’, TOBACCO COMPANY BUGGIN’, INSANE EXTREME CHAIR SWINGING ALPHA MALE AND ENVIRONMENTAL EXTREME HARDCORE ICON- AL GORE!”For the next five minutes, everything stops as Gore makes his entrance. While the crowd sings “Don’t stop, thinking about tomorrow,” Gore holds up his mocha, inside an environmentally friendly biodegradable container of course, and chugs it down. Then he spews it out of his mouth into the crowd and then crushes the paper container on his forehead in a manly fashion. The Environmental Extreme Hardcore Icon slowly makes his way through the crowd. Gore pulls out another container of mocha, guzzles it down, spews it into the crowd, and then smashes the container on his forehead.Gore enters the ring and walks over to Average Joe. Gore tells him that only ‘flatearthers’ don’t believe that global warming is a problem. Gore: “We’re way past the point where this is a debatable point.” Average Joe: “Oh? Just like we were past the point of debating when you cast the deciding vote to enact the largest tax increase in American history? Just like we were past the point of debating whether or not NAFTA would be good? Somehow, how come the issues you get involved with always end up hurting middle class America?” Gore begins to answer but Big Oil with Texas Tex comes out.
Big Oil mocks Average Joe. Big Oil: “Oh, boo-freakin’ hoo, Average Joe. What you need to remember is that in any society, there are the haves and the have nots. There are the winners…like me…and the losers…like you.” Big Oil gloats about $3.50 per gallon for gas and tells Average Joe he’s dancing all the way to the bank with the record profits he’s making thanks to schmucks like him. Big Oil tells Gore he’s no better since the whole ‘green’ thing has become a multi-million dollar industry. Then he brings out his best friend, Big Electric. Big Electric tells the crowd that he needs an increase in the electric rates in order to pay for infrastructure improvements even though the electric company posted record billion dollar profits last year. Big Electric: “We need this increase in order to justify paying our CEO over ten million dollars a year and keep our profit margin high.”
The Hack’s crowd turns ugly. Suave: “Great. It couldn’t get any worse for Average Joe.” Well, it could. Allen W. Tucker, IRS representative, comes out. The boos ring out throughout the bar. Suave: “Okay. I was wrong.” Tucker tells the Hack’s patrons that paying taxes is important in order to provide the federal government enough funds to pay for government programs. Tucker: “Everyone should pay their taxes. It’s the American-”
*Def Leppard’s ‘Rock, Rock Til You Drop blares*
J.D. Elder’s new novel Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction features BCEW and several characters in the story. Check out this funny and occasionally biting political satire at:
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