PCW “DRAMA IN DES MOINES”- JAN. 3RD, 2008
Results from Des Moines, IA.
The results from first ever PCW Road Show Across America Tour show last night in Des Moines, IA.
The crowd chants, “PCW…PCW…PCW” as Charlene Ann Beckworth comes out and welcomes everyone to PCW’s first show away from the Northwest Ohio, Southeast Michigan area.
MATCH #1- ‘The Queen of Political Extreme’ Ann Coulter (American Patriots) vs. ‘Trailer Park Honey’ Tanya Hardy (Independent)
Hardy was by herself as the remaining members of her White Trash Posse, Jeff and Shane, mourned the death of Shawn. Coulter gets the win by submission when she gets Hardy in an abdominal stretch and starts screeching at her. After five minutes of listening to Coulter rant on and on and on and on and on about liberals and how they’re ruining the country, Hardy finally taps out.
Post match, Music Diva Barbra Streisand runs in and attacks Coulter from behind. She gets a full nelson on the Queen of Political Extreme and then starts singing which causes Coulter and everyone else in the building to pass out. Streisand then leaves and tells the crowd ‘don’t look at me, I’m a star’ as she walks by.
MATCH #2- Halitosis (Independent) vs. Dr. Ivan Rectum-Fighting Proctologist (Independent)
Two old BCEW favorites hook up as the Fighting Proctologist wrestles the Luchador with lethally bad breath. Dr. Rectum wears a mask over his mouth to prevent Halitosis from delivering the ‘breath of death.’ Halitosis breaks out some fine Lucha Libre moves while Dr. Rectum waits for a chance to snap on the ‘Rubber Glove of Justice.’ Halitosis finally slides down Rectum’s mask and hits him with a full blast of his breath. No human can withstand the full brunt of Halitosis’s breath and the lethal Luchador wins the match.
MATCH #3- FUBAR and Dave “The Elk” Elkins (Independent/American Patriots) vs. Corporate World (Richard Emerson Brantley III and Bradley Scott Wilson) with Coach Bobby Petrino (American Patriots)
FUBAR was originally upset with The Elk for paying Coach Petrino more money to manage him. Then Corporate World came along and offered Petrino even more money to manage them. FUBAR and The Elk then joined forces against the snooty upscalers. Corporate World dominates the early part of the match. Coach Petrino even gets in a couple cheap shots. FUBAR jumps in and rallies. Elkins calls for his driver. FUBAR tosses it to him and he clubs Brantley III over the head with it. Wilson calls Coach Petrino for help, but he’s already accepted another offer with a rival wrestling federation and left. The Elk delivers a driver to the genitals- a double ball shot so extreme that no trick golfer would ever consider doing it. Match over.
MATCH #4- The Green World Order (GreenPete and Vegan Brock Cole Lee) with Peta from PETA and PeaceNick (Progressive Alliance) vs. Ron Paul’s New Libertarian Army (A. Tom Bomb and Hy Drogen Bomb) with Newt Tron Bomb and Daisy Cutter-Bomb (American Patriots)
The crowd chants: “RON-PAUL! (clap-clap) RON-PAUL! (clap-clap). Ron Paul’s group take it to a new political extreme as A-Bomb and H-Bomb immediately attack GreenPete and Brock Cole Lee and all four men end up brawling all over the building using chairs, putting each other through tables, and using every weapon at their disposal. Appalled at the extreme carnage and violence, PeaceNick climbs in the ring to protest. Newt Tron Bomb gets annoyed and takes his placard away and pushes him down. N-Bomb then turns with his ass in PeaceNick’s face and delivers the devastating ‘ Silent But Deadly.’ Peta from PETA then jumps in and kicks N-Bomb in the groin. Finally Daisy Cutter-Bomb joins in and takes Peta out with a breathtaking ‘Daisy Cutter Power Bomb.’
The Angry Left Wing Bloggers (Daily Kos, Media Matters For America, Eric Alterman, and NY Times Columnist Paul Krugman) rush out and quadruple team A-Bomb and N-Bomb. Ron Paul comes to their rescue but the Bloggers fight him off. Politically Incorrect (Nic Koteen and Al Cahall) comes in to help the New Libertarian Army even the odds. Daisy Cutter-Bomb hops out of the ring to help but gets blindsided by a revived Peta from PETA. Peta then jumps on Daisy’s back and knocks her out with chloroform. Taking it even further to the extreme, Peta handcuffs Daisy wrists around the turnbuckle and starts to whack away at her back with a Singapore cane. PeaceNick, of course, is horrified and begins to protest.
Def Leppard’s ‘Rock, Rock til You Drop blares and out comes the Extreme Equalizer, Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. WTF takes the cane away from Peta and starts to use it on the Angry Left Wing Bloggers. A-Bomb and H-Bomb drag GreenPete and Brock Cole Lee back to the ring and N-Bomb sets up tables. A-Bomb destroys GreenPete with an Atomic Power Bomb through the one table; H-Bomb plants Brock Cole Lee through the other. WTF and Politically Incorrect keep the Angry Left Wing Bloggers at bay. Ron Paul’s New Libertarian Army gets the win.
MATCH #5 PCW Non-Title Match- PCW Champion Justin Sufferable (Progressive Alliance) vs. Triple R-Road Rage Randy with Arianna Huffington (Progressive Alliance)
Triple R grabs the microphone from Charlene Ann Beckworth and tells the crowd that the only reason he’s back in PCW is to recover what’s rightfully his- the PCW title. He demands that Sufferable make their match for the title. Sufferable retorts that he may be ‘insufferable’ but Triple R takes it to a whole different level. Arianna then comes on and whines that the Progressive Alliance owe it to Triple R to let him have a title shot. “YEE-AHHHHHHH!” The ‘American Screamer’ Howard Dean comes out. It is four years to the day that Dean got his nickname after his frenetically paced recitation of all fifty American states cumulating with a hearty “YEE-AHHHHHHH!” Dean tells Triple R that no one walks back into PCW and automatically gets a title shot. Triple R fumes and the match begins.
As usual, Triple R is uber aggressive and takes the fight to the champion. The match is fast paced and goes back and forth. Sufferable gains the upper hand late and then Arianna sneaks in and blows blinding powder into the champ’s eyes. Sufferable can’t see and Triple R gets ready to drill him with a steel-folding chair. Then former PCW champion, Independent Chris Escondido, who’s been out for over a year after major knee surgery from an injury caused by an attack by Triple R. Escondido swips the chair away from Triple R and whacks him between the eyes. Escondido puts a figure four leg lock on Triple R and cinches it in good. Triple R screams. Arianna tries to come with more powder and this time, inadvertently blows it in Triple R’s eyes. Sufferable regains his sight and gets the pin.
MATCH #6- Big Oil w/Texas Tex and Mitt Romney, Starz N. Stripes w/ John McCain, Kirk Walstreit w/Fred Thompson, Rev. Robertson of the God Squad w/Rudy Giuliani, and ???????? w/Mike Huckabee and Chuck Norris in an American Patriot five man gauntlet match.
The first of the two main events of the night. This is a rematch from last week’s BCEW’s Christmas Extravaganza. Mike Huckabee takes the microphone and again announces that he wishes Chuck Norris could compete for him tonight but it wouldn’t be fair to everyone else. So he brings out his wrestler for the evening. To everyone’s surprise, it’s ‘Everyman’ Mike the Mechanic. Last week on at the Christmas Extravaganza, Mike the Mechanic gained revenge on Big Oil by costing him the five-way match and stealing back his girl- Sheila the Secretary.
Before the rest of the contestants come to the ring, a huge fracas erupts. Big Oil heaves Starz N. Stripes out into the aisle way and stomps away at his knee. By the time he’s done, Starz can barely walk. The match starts and Starz slowly limps towards the ring. Kirk Walstreit- Wall Street Market Analyst who has a man crush on ESPN’s Kirk Herbsteit immediately goes after Mike the Mechanic. Big Oil starts throwing his weight around and then zeros in on Mike the Mechanic. Starz somehow manages to hang in under tough circumstances and Rev. Robertson stays back and lets the action unfold. Halfway through the match, Ron Paul delights his rabid core of fans by leading his New Libertarian Army (A-Bomb and H-Bomb) to the ring and injecting themselves into the match. All hell breaks loose, Rev. Robertson is one of the early casualties and is eliminated. Big Oil catches A-Bomb and chokeslams him out of the ring and through a table. Fred Thompson cheers on as Walstreit plasters his prized picture of Kirk Herbstreit over H-Bomb’s head and Starz throws him out.
The pain to Starz’s knee is too much and he’s the next one to go. Senator McCain helps him to the back and vows revenge next Tuesday in New Hampshire. Big Oil eliminates Walstreit and then it’s him and Mike the Mechanic. Mitt Romney and Texas celebrate as Big Oil delivers some big power moves and Mike the Mechanic is in trouble. The big guy is about to set him up for the ‘Oklahoma Driller’ when Chuck Norris climbs on the apron and gets in Big Oil’s face. Both men stare each other down while Sheila slips a set of jumper cables to Mike the Mechanic. Mike zaps Big Oil with the cables and wins the match with a little distraction from Chuck Norris.
Mike Huckabee, Mike the Mechanic, and the everpresent Chuck Norris stand tall in the ring after the match.
MATCH #7 PCW Women’s Non-Title Match- PCW Women’s champion “Media Empress” Opal Winfree w/her flock (Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy) and ‘The Natural’ Barack Obama, Kathryn Randall Collins (KRC) with Hillary Clinton, and PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin with John Edwards in a Progressive Alliance three-way dance
The second main event of the night. Collins and Winfree met last week at the Christmas Extravaganza. John Edwards enlists the Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin to his cause and makes this a three-way dance. Winfree and Collins tear into each other again with Martin occasionally joining in. Opal’s flock (Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy) make their presence known by constantly taking cheap shots at both KRC and Martin. Winfree and the Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl finally get on the same page and double-team Collins. Hillary turns and waves for help and out comes the Clinton Political Pitbulls (James Carville, Terry McAuliffe, and Sidney Blumenthal). Carville and McAuliffe pull the legs out from under Winfree and drag her out of the ring. Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy also get tossed out by the Political Pitbulls.
Barack and Edwards jump in and battle with McAuliffe and Blumenthal. On the outside, Hillary grabs a chair and waffles Opal with it. Then Carville drags her over to a table and drapes the Media Empress across it. Barack and Edwards get the upper hand on the Pitbulls and then out of the blue, to everyone’s shock, Bill Clinton runs out. Clinton and McAuliffe double team Edwards near a corner turnbuckle. KRC, after beating down the BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl, Tessa Martin, climbs up on the turnbuckle and prepares to jump and put Opal through a table outside the ring. Clinton throws himself against the ropes and slingshots himself across the ring to send Edwards out. Joe Biden, Christopher Dodd, and Bill Richardson race to the ring and pull Edwards out of the way. Clinton hits the turnbuckle and causes KRC to lose her balance and crotch herself on the ropes. She falls backwards with her legs draped over the top tying herself in the tree of woe. Biden, Dodd, and Richardson attack all three Political Pitbulls. Tessa Martin grabs a steel-folding chair and skateboards it into KRC’s face in the corner. KRC topples over and the Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl eliminates her.
Both Bill and Hillary are in shock. Biden, Dodd, and Richardson brawl with Political Pitbulls Carville, McAuliffe, and Blumenthal back up the ramp. Soccer Mom gets back in the ring and shouts ‘It’s for the children’ as she takes a chair and nails Tessa Martin with it. Opal revives and wins the match.
Barack Obama holds up Opal’s hand in victory.
The next stop in the PCW Road Show Across America will be January 8th at “Mayhem at Manchester” in Manchester, New Hampshire.
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