“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!” Johnny Suave shouts, “WELCOME TO BCEW EXTREME ELECTION NIGHT 2006!” The crowd chants ‘BCEW!’ and wave various placards in support of either the American Patriots or the Progressive Alliance. “My name is Johnny Suave and with me tonight, thank God, is a life size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. We are live tonight at the BCEW Hall in Eagle Rock, Ohio.” Suave runs down the card for the night leading up to the title defense by “No Frills” Chris Escondido against the Progressive Alliance’s Justin Sufferable. Suave points out that Sufferable is not 100% going into tonight. “Let’s recap what happened last week,” he says.
REPLAY- JUSTIN SUFFERABLE PROMO FROM BCEW POLITICS IS WAR CABLE TV SHOW
“Not just intolerable. Not just unbearable. I am Justin Sufferable!” he said. Sufferable told the BCEW Champion “No Frills” Chris Escondido that he’d better be ready for an all out extreme war. He said the last time BCEW Politics Is War was on the air, he got screwed out of his title shot and it left a bad taste in his mouth- bad enough that he actually threw up. “At BCEW Extreme Election Night, nothing will stop me from my destiny, winning the BCEW Title,” Sufferable said and then added, “My name is Justin Sufferable and I approved this mess-” “WHAT THE HELL!” Suave shouted as Triple R (Road Rage Randy) attacked Sufferable with a lead pipe. “What is he doing?” Triple R whacked away at the right knee of Sufferable. “TRIPLE R IS GOING TONYA HARDING ON JUSTIN SUFFERABLE!” said Suave. Immediately, Howard Dean, Nancy Pelosi, Pith Lord Harry Reid raced in to stop Triple R. Finally, several members of the Progressive Alliance have Triple R removed while Dean tended to Justin Sufferable. Later, paramedics came in and stretchered Sufferable out to a waiting ambulance.
“There you have it,” Suave says. “Can Justin Sufferable make through the match tonight? Did Triple R- Road Rage Randy do enough damage that Sufferable will be denied yet again the BCEW Title?”
JOY BEHAR/ELISABETH HASSELBECK SEGMENT
“Well, we usually don’t have celebrities show up here,” Suave says. The View’s Joy Behar and Elisabeth Hasselbeck appear in the ring as guest ring announcers for the first match. Behar starts by announcing that she wanted to discuss the remarks made by the Massachusetts Blueblood JFK last week. Behar states that JFK should have kept his mouth shut. “Thank God John F’n Kerry isn’t president,” Hasselbeck says. “He is so elitist!” Behar responds by stating Kerry made a mistake. “How many jokes has George W screwed up?” she asks. “It’s half my act!” Hasselbeck and Behar bicker. “If people are stupid enough to think that the war has been a good thing, then go ahead,” Behar snaps. “WHOOOAAAAAAAA!” the crowd goes. “Oh yeah,” Hasselbeck returns. “Yeah!” Behar says. Hasselbeck throws down the mic and tackles Behar. “YES!” Suave shouts as the crowd stands up. “CATFIGHT!” Suave screeches, “CATFIGHT!” Hasselbeck and Behar continues to roll around in the ring. “You know, it’s not Paris Hilton or Jessica Alba,” Suave comments, “but it’ll do.”
Thankfully, Charlene Ann Beckworth comes out to announce the first match after the two View hosts roll out of the ring.
MATCH #1- “THE REAL TENNESSEAN” BOB CORKER (American Patriots) vs. “FANCY” HAROLD FORD (Progressive Alliance)
Suave advises that this match could get really nasty. The bell rings and we’re off. “BCEW Extreme Election Night 2006 is underway,” proclaims Suave. Corker and Ford tie up in the middle of the ring. Both men trade slaps to the chest. Corker then launches Ford into the ropes and clotheslines him coming back off. Ford reverses and throws Corker into the ropes and lands a big boot to the chin. Ford then launches himself off the ropes at Corker. Corker bends down and flips Ford over the top rope out of the ring. “BCEW!” the crowd chants as Ford lands hard outside. Corker grabs a chair and pastes Ford with it. Then Corker flings Ford into the steel barricade. Corker tries to clothesline Ford over the barricade into the crowd, Ford moves and The Real Tennessean flies over the barricade. Ford stands up on the barricade to splash Corker, Corker kicks the barricade and Ford crotches himself on the steel bar. “WOW!” Suave says, “that’s a whole new level of pain right there.” The first “holy s—” chant of the night appears. Ford tips off the barricade onto the floor. Corker hits an elbow drop, a few clubbing blows to the back. He grabs a table and sets it up on the outside. A couple more clubbing blows and then Corker places Ford on the table and goes up on the ring apron. “INCOMING!” Suave says as Corker leaps off the edge of the ring. But in the time it took for Corker to climb back on the ring,
“The Natural” Barack Obama races out and pulls Ford off the table just as Corker plows through and breaks the table cleanly in half. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave shouts out as another “BCEW” chant breaks out. “The Natural” just saved Ford’s ass on that one.” Ford goes on offense. He bounces Corker’s head off the corner turnbuckle. Flings him into the ring steps. Snap suplex onto the floor. Ford picks up Corker by the hair and tosses him back into the ring. Then Ford grabs a chair and whaps him in the back with it. Ford rolls Corker onto the chair and climbs up to the top rope. He hits a big frog splash crushing Corker on the steel chair. “Corker’s in trouble,” Suave says as Ford continues to pummel away at the “Real Tennessean.” Ford hits another snap suplex followed by a hurrican-rama and then a back neckbreaker that almost tears Corker in half. Ford goes outside and grabs a table of his own. He sets it up in the ring and puts Corker on it. Ford goes up to the top rope.
Suddenly, The Mastermind Karl Rove comes out and pushes Ford off the top rope onto the floor below. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave says. “Ford and Corker are both down.” Corker manages to fall off the table and pull himself up first. Ford staggers outside the ring. Corker baseball slides under the bottom rope and drills Ford, pushing him back into the barricade. Corker then hits a low blow, rakes the eyes, and then throws Ford back into the ring. Corker sets the table straight up in the corner of the ring. Ford staggers up, doesn’t see Corker. Ford turns and Corker gores him and puts him through the table. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave says again. “WOW! Ford’s out.” Corker covers. 1-2-3.
WINNER: “THE REAL TENNESSEAN” BOB CORKER
“A tough one for the “Real Tennessean” Bob Corker, but the American Patriots get the pinfall from the first match of the night,” Suave says.
GREEN WORLD ORDER PROMO
Peacenik #1 & 2 stand behind Felcher and Felcher, extreme attorneys at law and counsel for the Green World Order. R Felcher states that tonight the BCEW Tag Team belts will go to a diverse, tolerant, peaceful, progressive, and worthy tag team. B Felcher says that because of their legal maneuvering, the Green World Order will finally get the opportunity that they’ve been long since denied. “Fairness dictates that it’s time for the Green World Order to have their turn as the BCEW tag team champions!” R Felcher claims.
“Yeah, I guess we’ll see just how ‘fair’ the night goes,” Suave cracks. Suave starts into the next match. He recaps the first match up between Joe Lieberman and Ned Lamont. The replay shows that Lieberman and Lamont have been through a war. As Lamont goes for a spear, Lieberman trips him up with a drop toe hold and locks on the abdominal stretch. The Bloggers then make a move to intervene. Behind Lieberman, Daily Kos slips in the ring wearing brass knuckles. Eric Alterman and Media Matters distracts Lieberman and Daily Kos nails him with the brass knucks. Media Matters rolls Lieberman over and points Lamont to make the cover.
MATCH #2- THREE WAY DANCE- JOE LIEBERMAN (Independent), NED LAMONT (Progressive Alliance), and ALAN SCHLESINGER (American Patriots)
“All right, the Left Wing Bloggers Daily Kos, Media Matters for America, and Eric Alterman were the difference the last time Lieberman and Lamont met up,” explained Suave. “This time, Alan Schlesinger may be the wild card of the group.” The bell rings and immediately the Bloggers pile into the ring and attack Lieberman. Schlesinger joins in. “HOLY CRAP! IT’S FIVE AGAINST ONE!” Suave says as the referee is powerless to prevent the outside interference. Lieberman is whipped into the ropes and Daily Kos and Media Matters set to double team him. Lieberman clotheslines the two bloggers but then gets blindsided by Eric Alterman.
The Bomb Brothers (A. Tom Bomb, Hy Drogen Bomb, and Newt Tron Bomb) runs out. “HERE THEY COME!” Suave says as the crowd stands up and cheers, “THE ODDS HAVE JUST BEEN EVENED UP!” A-Bomb power slams Eric Alterman. H-Bomb lifts Daily Kos in the air and tosses him over the top rope through a ringside table. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave says as Daily Kos is buried amongst the remains of the table. “BCEW!…BCEW!” chants the crowd. A-Bomb corners Alan Schlesinger. Schlesinger desperately calls out to the American Patriots for help. As A-Bomb lifts him up and Newt Tron Bomb sets a table up in the ring, Schlesinger calls out for Dick, or The Mastermind Karl Rove, or even the Rookie Sensation Starz N. Stripes. No help arrives and A-Bomb power A-Bombs Schlesinger through the table. Lieberman covers and Schlesinger is eliminated. The crowd serenades Schlesinger with the ‘na, na. hey-hey-hey goodbye’ song.
H-Bomb decks Media Matters and then climbs out of the ring. He grabs Media Matters’s legs and crotches him on the ringpost. H-Bomb then rolls him out of the ring. “IT’S DOWN TO LIEBERMAN AND LAMONT NOW!” Suave says. “Now we’ll find out just what Lamont is made of.” Lamont appears unsure and turns around looking for help. He calls for The American Screamer Howard Dean, “The Natural” Barack Obama, or anyone else from the Progressive Alliance. Like Schlesinger, no help arrives. “I think its safe to say that the ‘Joe-mentum’ is on Lieberman’s side now,” Suave says. Suddenly, another left wing blogger, Arianna Huffington, shrieks down the aisle towards the ring to help Lamont and runs into the manager of the Bomb Brothers Daisy Cutter-Bomb. Daisy lays her out with a wicked clothesline. Lieberman stomps his foot three times and sets him up for his closer. “LIEBERMAN’S GOING FOR THE ‘JOE-STOPPER!” Suave says. Lamont turns around just in time to catch a superkick right to his chin. “That’s a pretty good kick for an old guy,” Suave cracks. “I didn’t think he could get his leg that high.” Lamont drops as if he’s been shot. Lieberman covers and that’s the match.
WINNER: JOE LIEBERMAN
Huffington throws a fit and stomps around at ringside as Joe holds up his hand in victory. “Well, that’s one for the American Patriots; one for the independents,” Suave advises. “We’ve got Mike DeWine taking on Sherrod Brown coming up and-”
Suave gets interrupted by Mike Walker, the manager of the Pizza Galaxy. Mike demands to know where Tessa is being held. “I don’t know,” Suave replies. “I have nothing to do with-” Seg McMann appears in the ring. “Great,” Suave mumbles. “I was hoping I wouldn’t see him tonight.” Seg tells Mike ‘not to worry.’ “She’s just hanging out at her new home.” Skip, president of the Alpha Sigma Sigma fraternity, appears on the big screen television. “She makes a great wall decoration,” Skip says and points to where a cryogenically frozen BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin hangs. Seg then makes a smart ass remarks to Mike that Tessa ‘probably won’t be at work tonight.’ He starts to laugh and turns his back on Mike. Mike climbs into the ring and clubs Seg in the back with his pizza paddle. “F### him up Mike, f### him up!” chants the crowd. Mike then whacks the Sports Entertainment Guy over and over with the pizza paddle. Another “BCEW” chant follows. Then Mike points at Skip and tells him he’s on his way.
“Wow. Mike’s a little pissed off. Probably because he’s losing money on deliveries that can’t be made,” Suave explains. In the ring, Seg McMann looks a mess. “Can someone scrape him out of the ring so we can have our next match?” Suave asks.
MATCH #3- MIKE DeWINE (American Patriots) vs. SHERROD BROWN (Progressive Alliance)
Brown comes out on fire. Chops, punches. Brown whips DeWine into the ropes and delivers a back body drop. Leg drop. Quick cover. DeWine kicks out. “Brown not messing around tonight,” Suave observes. “He is all business.” Brown again whips DeWine into the ropes and another back body drop. Brown reverse chinlocks DeWine. Then he lifts DeWine in the air and suplexes him. Again, Brown covers. DeWine barely escapes. DeWine checks out of the ring and Brown follows. They brawl. Shoulder block by Brown followed by a leg drop. Brown elbow drops DeWine. DeWine scores a dropkick to the leg and then sentons Brown to the floor. “DeWine’s finally getting some offense in.” Suave notes.
“Boots to Brown. DeWine rolls him back in the ring, follows with sling shot splash into the ring and DeWine covers for a 2 count. DeWine works the arm now with an arm bar. Brown fights, but DeWine clubs him right back down. Arm bar into a top wristlock. Brown fights to his feet. Off the ropes, springing leg lariat by DeWine. A clothesline and a back springing elbow gets DeWine another 2 count. He goes to the 2nd rope… “WHAT’S THIS?” Suave says, “I DON’T BELIEVE WHO JUST CAME TO RINGSIDE!” DeWine looks horrified as Ohio Governor Bob Taft, former Representative Bob Ney, and former fund raiser Tom Noe appears. DeWine tells them he doesn’t need their help. Distracted, DeWine gets rolled up by Brown for a 2 count. “THAT WAS CLOSE!” Suave shouts out. DeWine continues to motion the scandal ridden three to go away. Taft grabs a steel folding chair and gets into the ring. “What the hell is HE doing?” Suave asks. Brown doesn’t see Taft behind him. Taft swings the chair, at the last second Brown ducks out of the way, and Taft plasters DeWine in the face with the chair. The crowd directs a “You f***ed up, you f***ed up!” chant at Bob Taft, Suave goes “HOLY CRAP!” and Brown covers for the win.
WINNER: SHERROD BROWN
“Bob Taft, Bob Ney, and Tom Noe brings down Mike DeWine tonight,” Suave says. “Score one for the Progressive Alliance!”
MATCH #4- BCEW TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH- PEACENIK #1 & 2 of the Green World Order (Progressive Alliance) vs. THE DRUNKEN LUCHADORS DAN & DON- THE FLYIN’ MARTINI BROTHERS (Independent)
Extreme attorneys Felcher and Felcher joins Johnny Suave at ringside. “Swell,” he mumbles. Immediately Peacenik #1 complains about the Martini Brothers drinking in the ring. Both Martini Brothers chug a bottle of Jack Daniels and then break the bottle over their heads. “Yes, it’s a little unorthodox,” Suave explains, “but hell, they’re the champions. They can do whatever they want.”
Peacenik #1 and Don Martini to begin. Crowd chants for the Drunken Luchadors. A brief lock up and an attempted knee by Peacenik #1 that whiffs because Don staggers out of the way. Peacenik #1 tries rights now, and then the boots…and misses again. “Here we go again,” Suave says. R Felcher yells at Don Martini to stand still. Suave shoots back, “Yeah, easier said than done.” Peacenik #1 gets frustrated and rushes at Don. He clips the Drunken Luchador and sends him to the canvas. The Felchers cheer at the announcer’s table. Peacenik #1 goes for a leg drop but Dan Martini pulls Don out of the way. “Apparently Dan is the more sober one tonight,” observes Suave. A tag is made and Dan Martini gets into the ring. Peacenik #1 again tries to bull over Dan. Dan topples to the canvas and Peacenik #1 rams into the corner ringpost. “Of course, I could be wrong,” Suave says. Peacenik #1 staggers back to his corner and tags in Peacenik #2.
Dan Martini climbs to the top rope. Suave cringes. “Oooh, this can’t be a good thing.” Peacenik #2 simply waits. Dan leaps off the top rope and misses Peacenik #2 completely. “Definitely, not a good thing,” Suave says as Peacenik #2 goes for the cover but somehow Dan kicks out. “In the interest of fairness, he should have let the Green World Order pin him,” whines R Felcher. “Yes,” chimes in B Felcher. “Haven’t they been tag team champions long enough?” The other two members of the Green World Order, The Vengeful Vegan Brock Cole Lee and Peta from PETA come down to the ring. Brock Cole Lee slips a bottle of chloroform and a handkerchief to Peacenik #1. “Now what are they up to!” asks Suave. “Justice!” offers R Felcher. “That bottle of chloroform represents justice for the Green World Order.” Peacenik #1 motions #2 to throw Dan Martini into their corner. Peacenik #2 tries to lift the Drunken Luchador up- he’s dead weight. Finally, Brock Cole Lee interjects himself into the match and helps Peacenik #2 drag Dan to their corner. “It’s all over!” gloats R Felcher. D Felcher concurs, “There’s no way that-” “HERE COME THE BOMB BROTHERS!” interrupts Suave, AND THE RAVING REDNECKS-LOCKE AND LOADE!”
Suave quickly recaps how Felcher and Felcher used the judicial system to deny the Bomb Brothers or the Raving Rednecks from wrestling for the tag team title. “This is not acceptable!” R Felcher says. A-Bomb tears Peacenik #1 off the edge of the ring and slams him into the steel barricade. The bottle of chloroform drops on the floor and Earl Locke picks it up. He immediately uses it on Peacenik #1 and takes him out. Gary Loade bulldogs Brock Cole Lee and then Locke and Loade deliver a devastating 4-D Redneck Death Blast to the Vengeful Vegan. Peacenik #2 ducks out of the ring but runs into H-Bomb. “Oh, oh!” Suave warns. Peacenik #2 immediately runs back into the ring and inadvertently elbows Dan Martini in the stomach. Dan starts to look green. “HOLY CRAP! HE’S GOING FOR THEIR FINISHER!” Suave says as Peacenik #2 gets a real concerned look. “Someone stop him,” R Felcher says. Too late. Dan spews green mist…no too chunky…projectile vomits all over Peacenik #2. “WOW!” Suave exclaims. “He must have ate a lot for supper tonight!” Dan passes out and headbutts Peacenik #2. Peacenik #2 down and covered by Drunken Luchador Dan. 1-2-3. Match.
WINNER AND STILL BCEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: THE DRUNKEN LUCHADORS, DAN AND DON- THE FLYING MARTINI BROTHERS
A-Bomb grabs R Felcher; Gary Loade grabs B Felcher. Both Felchers are dragged unceremoniously into the ring. “It’s been nice knowing you guys,” Suave says, “NOT!” Locke and Loade deliver another 4-D Redneck Death Blast to B Felcher while A-Bomb and H-Bomb double-power A-Bombs R Felcher. “And that my friends,” Suave says, “is what I call a happy ending.”
JUSTIN SUFFERABLE LOOK-IN
Sufferable sits on a bench in the locker room. His right knee is heavily bandaged up and he appears to be in quite a lot of pain. “I wonder if he can tough it out,” Suave asks.
“Hold on! We’re getting a report from the Alpha Sigma Sigma house about a…HOLY CRAP! It’s an impromptu match!” Suave says.
MATCH #5- MIKE WALKER, MGR OF PIZZA GALAXY vs. GARTH BADER, OWNER OF EMPIRE PIZZA
“You know, the Star Wars references are just…weak,” opines Suave. The match begins as both men wield lethal pizza paddles like…well…lightsabers. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” Suave says. While the two men duel, one of the Alpha Sigma Sigma members, apparently the only one with a conscience, sneaks over and starts the defreezing process on the BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin. Mike and Bader swing their pizza paddles, parry and thrust, both looking to gain the advantage. Finally, Skip, president of the Alpha Sigma Sigma frat, tries to intervene. Mike whirls around and plasters Skip in the face with the pizza paddle. However, he leaves himself wide open to…(snicker)…Garth Bader. Bader begins to raise his pizza paddle when… “AIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” “HOLY CRAP! TESSA’S BACK AND SHE’S GOT THE TESTICULAR CLAW ON BADER!” Suave excitedly shouts. With one swift motion, Mike swings the paddle around and pastes Bader in the kisser. He’s out and Mike covers for the win.
WINNER: MIKE WALKER, MGR OF PIZZA GALAXY
Tessa kisses the Alpha Sigma Sigma member who freed her from being frozen. Mike tells her it’s time to get back to work. “Yea. Another victory for Sports Entertainment,” Suave sarcastically notes. “Now can we get back to the wrestling?”
PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE LOCKER ROOM
The American Screamer Howard Dean lets out a “YEEEEEAHHHHHH!” as the mood in Progressive Alliance’s locker room is generally upbeat. Dean tells Jim Webb that this is their night. Triple R-Road Rage Randy comes up to him. “Oh, this should be good,” comments Suave. Dean all but tells Triple R that he’s not welcome there and to leave. Triple R then trashes the locker room area as the other Progressive Alliance stars try to restrain him.
“Hmmmm. A little anger management problem there?” Suave asks.
AMERICAN PATRIOTS LOCKER ROOM
The mood is not so upbeat in the American Patriots locker room. The Mastermind Karl Rove tries to rally the troops and BCEW CEO George W’s aide de camp Dick looks generally pissed. “We have to have this match,” Dick implores George Allen. “It’s all riding on you.”
MATCH #6- JIM WEBB (Progressive Alliance) vs. GEORGE ALLEN (American Patriots)
“As noted, this is huge,” Suave announces. “Both sides want this match very badly.” Charlene Ann Beckworth announces an additional stipulation to the match- the first one to climb the ladder and grab a suitcase hanging in the air wins. “HOLY CRAP! IT’S A FREAKIN’ LADDER MATCH!” Suave says. The American Screamer Howard Dean comes to ringside to stand in Webb’s corner. The Mastermind Karl Rove likewise for George Allen.
Both Webb and Allen jaw at each other before the match starts. Webb immediately runs for a ladder and throws it in the ring. Webb climbs back in but Allen tosses the ladder right back out of the ring. Allen chokes Webb but he tries to fight back. Webb escapes and goes 2nd rope and then top rope. He leaps and dropkicks Allen sending him reeling across the ring. Leg drop between the ropes and Dean throws the ladder back in the ring again. Allen gets up and head butts Webb. Allen chops Webb and he is down. Allen puts the ladder in the corner. He pulls Webb up and whips him into the ladder. Allen then tosses Webb out of the ring to the floor and grabs the ladder and sets it up. Allen attempts to climb the ladder, but Webb gets back in the ring and nails him with another ladder. Webb nails Allen in the head and he is down. The crowd chants ‘BCEW’ as Webb goes up top and hits a flying elbow from the ladder. Then Webb lays the ladder on Allen, bounces off the ropes, and splashes him on the ladder. Webb grabs another ladder, sets it up and climbs. Allen somehow gets up and pushes the ladder over, Webb hits the top rope and bounces over the rope out of the ring. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave exclaims. “DID YOU SEE THAT?” Allen sets up the ladder in the corner again and climbs. Dean jumps in the ring. Then The Mastermind Karl Rove joins him. Dean and Rove brawl. Dean pushes Rove into the ladder and knocks Allen off before he can grab the suitcase.
Webb gets back in the ring and lays the ladder on Allen. Webb steps on it! The he lays the ladder on the ropes, picks up Allen and slams him to the ladder again! Webb then moves the ladder to the corner. Allen with rights tries to battle back. Webb grabs Allen and delivers big rights. Webb slams Allen on the ladder in the corner and then goes for a corner bomb…and misses. Webb staggers backwards…Allen rams the ladder to his gut and shoves him down. He grabs the ladder, sets it up and climbs. Webb climbs up the other as well. He and Allen meet at the top. Again both Rove and Dean jump into the ring to interfere. Rove tries to bring Webb down. Dean tries to pull Allen down. Suddenly, out of nowhere runs in the BCEW CEO George W, his aide de camp, Dick, and “Mr. Old School” Don Rumsfeld. “What a minute,” Suave points out, “the BCEW CEO has been all but missing over the last couple weeks. NOW, he’s come out?” W, Dick, and Rumsfeld also pull at Webb’s leg, trying to pull him down the ladder. Rumsfeld pushes too hard and suddenly the ladder goes off balance. Both Allen and Webb desperately grab at the suitcase. The ladder begins to tip over and it appears Webb has the handle of the briefcase in his grasp. Suave goes bonkers. “HOLY FREAKIN’ CRAP!” The crowd chants ‘holy s—!’ when Allen is propelled from the ring. Webb grabs the top rope and has the briefcase in his hand. “IT’S WEBB!” Suave exhalts, “JIM WEBB WINS THE MATCH!”
WINNER: JIM WEBB (Progressive Alliance)
W, Dick, The Mastermind Karl Rove, and Mr. Old School Don Rumsfeld stand in shock. The cheering crowd stands and chants “BCEW” over and over to salute a terrific match. “A HUGE win for the Progressive Alliance,” Suave says. The American Screamer Howard Dean lets out a few ‘YEEEEEEE-AHHHH!’ in celebration.
Arianna Huffington marches out to the ring and confronts Dean. She berates him in a voice that resembles Eva Gabor in Green Acres for not helping Ned Lamont defeat Joe Lieberman, calls Lieberman a traitor, calls Dean a traitor for not coming to Lamont’s aid in his dire moment of need. Huffington jumps and down and screeches at the American Screamer. “My ears hurt,” quips Suave. Then the crowd lets loose with a huge ovation as the well-endowed valet for the Bomb Brothers, Daisy Cutter-Bomb, carrying a kendo stick, rushes to the ring. Dean and Webb quickly clear the ring leaving Huffington. “Huffington’s not in a good place right now,” Suave observes. Arianna tries to flee, Daisy sweeps her legs out from under her with the kendo stick. Then she lifts Huffington up and holds her in the air, face up towards the ceiling. She eyes the announcer’s table. “Uh oh,” Suave says as Daisy tells him to move. “Better get out of the way.” Suave grabs the life-size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain and gets out of the way. “HERE SHE GOES!” Suave announces as Daisy walks toward the edge of the ring and heaves Huffington forward. Like an airplane falling from the sky, Huffington crashes through the announcer’s table. Suave, of course goes: “HOLY CRAP! She’s dead! If she’s not; she should be.” The crowd shouts “BCEW!”
MATCH #7- BCEW WORLD TITLE MATCH- BCEW World Champion ‘NO FRILLS’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO (Independent) vs. Challenger JUSTIN SUFFERABLE (Progressive Alliance)
Justin Sufferable hobbles to the ring, still injured from the beat down delivered by Triple R- Road Rage Randy last week. Justin takes the mic and declares: “Not just intolerable. Not just unbearable. I am Justin Sufferable!” The crowd cheers and another ‘BCEW’ chant breaks out. The champion Chris Escondido follows. “It doesn’t look good for Sufferable,” Suave comments. “It’ll all come down to how much damage was done to his knee by Triple R.” Charlene Ann Beckworth finishes the introduction and the bell rings.
Sufferable rushes across the ring and starts brawling with Escondido. Both men land stiff shots. Finally Sufferable kicks Escondido in the stomach and then pushes him out of the ring. Justin follows and they start brawling outside the ring. Sufferable grabs a steel folding chair and swings at Escondido. The champ ducks and the chair clanks off the ring post. “Wow! That chair bent itself in half around the ring post!” Suave observes. Escondido kicks Sufferable and then sets him up for a suplex on the floor. He gets him up and down and goes for an early cover. Two count. Escondido finds the bent chair and waffles Sufferable with it sending him right back down. Escondido grabs a microphone cord laying on the ground and wraps it around Sufferable’s neck. He releases the cord and Sufferable flops face first down to the floor. Sufferable mule kicks Escondido in the groin. Escondido tips backwards and hits his head on the steel barricade. Sufferable drags himself up, two punches to Escondido. He flings the champ over the barricade into the crowd.
Chair shot by Sufferable. Then someone hands him a political placard. Sufferable whaps it over Escondido’s head. Another one hands him a political sign on a wooden stick. Sufferable breaks the stick over the champ’s head. Then he takes the jagged edge of the stick and rakes it across Escondido’s forehead. “HOLY CRAP. Escondido’s busted wide open!” Suave exclaims. “BCEW!…BCEW!” chants the crowd. “This makes perfect sense,” Suave says, “by taking the fight into the crowd, Sufferable doesn’t put as match stress on his injured knee.” Another chair shot by Sufferable. A bloody Escondido tries to fight back. Someone hands him a pizza pan and Escondido bends it in half over Sufferable’s head. Next, a Britney Spears CD case. Escondido smashes the case in Sufferable’s face, leaving several cuts. Then a Leonard Cohen record over Sufferable’s head. A few punches and then Escondido climbs up on the railing to the upper level of BCEW Hall. “What is he doing?” Suave wonders. “HE’S NOT!” Fifteen feet high, Escondido leaps from the railing and crushes Justin Sufferable. “BCEW!…BCEW!…BCEW!…” “HOLY CRAP!” Suave shouts. Escondido covers. Two count. Sufferable somehow manages to pull himself up. Someone from the crowd gives Escondido a prosthetic leg. Escondido looks at the guy; looks at the leg; and then crotches Sufferable with the ‘foot’ of the prosthetic leg. Then someone else gives him a prosthetic arm with hook. Escondido swings the arm and clocks Sufferable in the head. Then another hands Escondido…a prosthetic eye? Escondido throws the eye at Sufferable and doinks him in the forehead.
Escondido drags Sufferable back through the crowd towards the ring. Over the steel barricade and to the edge. Sufferable tries to throw punches. Escondido throws punches. Back and forth. Behind Sufferable, the ring apron opens up. “HOLY CRAP! IT’S TRIPLE R-ROAD RAGE RANDY!” Suave shouts, “HE WAS HIDING UNDERNEATH THE RING!” Triple R grabs a steel folding chair and swings at Sufferable. Sufferable ducks and Triple R catches Escondido flush in the face. Escondido down. Sufferable covers as Triple R can’t believe what he just did. 1-2-3. New champion.
WINNER AND NEW BCEW WORLD CHAMPION: JUSTIN SUFFERABLE of the Progressive Alliance.
The American Screamer Howard Dean and the Attack Poodle Nancy Pelosi run out to the ring to congratulate Sufferable. Triple R shakes his head in disbelief. “WE HAVE A NEW BCEW CHAMPION!” announces Suave. “AFTER ALL THESE MONTHS, JUSTIN SUFFERABLE FINALLY GETS THE GOLD! WHAT A GREAT NIGHT FOR THE PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE!” Again, the never ending chant of “BCEW!” ends the show.
Remember, PCW Extreme Election Night 2010 is this Tuesday Night.
Delaware: Christine O’Donnell (R) vs. Chris Coons (D)
Alaska: Joe Miller (R) vs. Scott McAdam (D) vs. Lisa Murkowski (I)
Ohio: Lee Fisher (D) vs. Rob Portman (R)
Florida: Charlie Crist (I) vs. Marco Rubio (R) vs. Kendrick Meek (D)
Pennsylvania: Pat Toomey (R) vs. Joe Sestak (D)
Kentucky: Rand Paul (R) vs. Jack Conway (D)
Connecticut: Richard Blumenthal (D) vs. Linda McMahon (R)
California: Carly Fiorina (R) vs. Barbara Boxer (D)
Nevada: Harry Reid (D) vs. Sharron Angle (R)
PCW Tag Team Title Match: The Kings of Old School: Ricky Michaels/Marty Lane (D) vs. The International Hit Squad: Andy Golatta and Daniel-San (I)
PCW Title Match: Jill-Berg (R) vs. PCW Champion Yamamoto Tanaka (D)
If Berg wins, she will become the first woman ever to be the PCW Champion. But the road will be perilous. The National Organization of Women want to stop her. Does the 95 pound Berg have a sniff of a chance against the 350 pound PCW Champion?
AND Charlie Blackwell (I-American Heartland) gets married.
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