6/9 PCW Loose Cannons Unleashed 4 PPV- Mr. McMann’s millions, Barack v. McCain, Big Oil

 

PCW LOOSE CANNONS UNLEASHED 4 PPV– June 9TH from Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon, Westville, OH
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HOST: Johnny Suave on play-by-play with his life-size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain on color
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PCW OVERVIEW (for the uninitiated)
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Suave: “We are live from Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon for PCW Loose Cannons Unleashed 4!” Crowd: “PCW…PCW!” Suave: “This is PCW’s biggest event. I am Johnny Suave. This hot looking piece of cardboard is Shania Twain. We’ve got a great lineup for you tonight. Let’s recap how we got to here.”

LAST WEEK ON PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV:

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-Bill and Hillary Clinton’s final plea to the ‘American Screamer’ Howard Dean, Nancy Pelosi, and Harry Reid fall on deaf ears. Dean informs the Clintons that the Progressive Alliance intends to introduce Barack Obama as their choice to face the American Patriots’s John McCain in the fall for PCW CEO.
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-Scott McClellan gets attacked by a pen-wielding Bob Dole. Dole jabs McClellan in the forehead with the pen but then McClellan takes out Dole with a kick to the Viagra enhanced groin and gets away.
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-Indianola Jones successfully defends the PCW Television Title against a newly motivated FUBAR with his new life coach, Dr. Bill.
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-Triple R is angry over the Clintons capitulation to Barack Obama and seeing his chance to win the PCW title slip away.
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-Big Oil hires Rough Justice (D.B. Ruff and Connor Justice- two former police officers fired from their jobs for using over the top, extreme measures) as protection. Big Oil finds out that the American Trucker and Average Joe has used his money to purchase a semi-truck and new house to replace the ones Big Oil destroyed when he ran American Trucker’s semi into Average Joe’s house.
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-Barack Obama is named the Progressive Alliance nominee for PCW CEO. Triple R comes out and causes a fracas that’s stopped when the Clinton’s sic their Political Pitbulls (James Carville and Terry McAuliffe) on him. The brawl also pushes a #1 contender’s match for the PCW Women’s title to Loose Cannons 4.
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Suave runs down tonight’s card.

-#1 Contender Match for PCW Women’s Title: Kathryn Randall Collins aka KRC (Progressive Alliance) vs. ‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin of the 3 Amigas w/Tequila Sheila and Daisy Cutter-Bomb (Independent)

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-Grudge match: Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit (American Patriots) vs. American Trucker and Average Joe (Independent)
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-PCW Television Title Three Way Dance: 65 year old Indianola Jones (Independent) © vs. ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido (Independent) vs. FUBAR (Independent)
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-PCW Tag Team Title Match: Jack Schett and Bull Schett © w/Horst Schett and the Extreme Schnauzer, Hans Gruber (Progressive Alliance) vs. A. Tom Bomb and Hy Drogen Bomb (American Patriots)
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-PCW Women’s Title Match: ‘Media Empress’ Opal Winfree © w/Opal’s Flock- New Age Sensitive Guy and Soccer Mom (Progressive Alliance) vs. the winner of the ‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin/Kathryn Randall Collins match
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-PCW Title Match: The ‘Original Rookie Sensation’ Starz N. Stripes © w/John McCain (American Patriots) vs. The ‘New Rookie Sensation’ O’Beck Bahama w/Barack Obama (Progressive Alliance)
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MATCH #1- #1 CONTENDERS MATCH FOR THE PCW WOMEN’S TITLE: KATHRYN RANDALL COLLINS…aka KRC (Progressive Alliance) vs. ‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ TESSA MARTIN of the 3 Amigas w/Tequila Sheila and Daisy Cutter-Bomb (Independent)
Suave notes that PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin has dramatically improved over the past few months. He also reminds us that this is KRC’s first match back from a neck sprain she suffered in April at Keystone State Khaos at the hand of a devastating top rope DDT dished out by PCW Women’s champion Opal Winfree. And no Hillary Clinton tonight.

Tessa looks ready. The bell rings and they lock up. KRC tries a couple power moves but Tessa reverses both into arm drag takedowns. KRC powers up. Tessa sweeps her leg and slaps on a fuji bar. “Empress Queen of All Media” and PCW Women’s champion Opal Winfree arrives ringside with her flock- New Age Sensitive Guy and Soccer Mom. Suave: “I wonder what she’s doing out here?” Winfree watches with interest as KRC and Tessa exchange chops. Tessa tries to fight off KRC but Collins hits a flapjack. KRC covers but Opal Winfree distracts the referee. By the time he starts to count, Tessa easily kicks out.

After looking to the back for help from Hillary Clinton or the Progressive Alliance, KRC hits a snap mare to the PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl. Dropkick right back at KRC. Both throw rights and lefts. Tessa works the knee strikes. Then off the ropes into a high cross body take down. Tessa covers and again, the PCW Women’s champion has the referee looking the other way. Suave: “What the hell is going on? It’s almost as if Opal doesn’t want this match to end quickly, that she wants this match to drag out and…OHHHHHHH!” KRC reversal into a full nelson on Tessa. KRC flings Tessa down and lays the boots to her. Octopus hold by KRC, Tessa bites her hand and escapes. Tessa runs into a boot to the face. She gets Irish whipped to the ropes and ducks KRC’s charge. Tessa up top and a huge cross body to KRC. This time, the ref gets to 2 but then Opal has Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy drag the referee out of the ring. Outside, the other two members of the 3 Amigas immediately attack. Tequila Sheila trips up Soccer Mom and throws her into the ring steps. Daisy Cutter-Bomb takes out New Age Sensitive Guy with a Singapore caneshot and then heaves him over the guardrail.

KRC again looks for help from Hillary or the Progressive Alliance. It’s not coming. Tessa hits the ropes, and slams KRC’s knee off of the apron. She works the knee bar and then drops elbows to the knee. Slingshot into the ring ropes and KRC is in trouble. She manages to get to her feet but Tessa small packages her. Again, the ref gets to 2 before Opal herself pulls him out of the ring to break the count. Daisy Cutter-Bomb hits the ring. Opal bails. Tequila Sheila slides the pizza box in. KRC tries to take her down. Tessa hits her with the oversized pizza box with the road sign inside and nearly knocks KRC out. She then nails her finisher- the Pizza Cutter, for the final coupe de grace. Tessa covers. Opal tries to get back in the ring but Daisy holds her leg. 1…2…3.

WINNER AND THE NEW #1 CONTENDER FOR THE PCW WOMEN’S TITLE: ‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ TESSA MARTIN (Independent)

A bitterly disappointed KRC limps to the back, wondering why help never came.

Suave: “A HUGE WIN FOR THE PCW EXTREME PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL! THE QUESTION NOW IS- DID OPAL’S INTERFERENCE TAKE TOO MUCH OUT OF HER……HOLD ON. THERE’S A DISTURBANCE IN THE BACK.”.

BACKSTAGE
Big Oil, Kirk Walstreit, Texas Tex, and Rough Justice stand over an unconscious Indianola Jones. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! Big Oil and Rough Justice have taken out the PCW Television champion!” Big Oil: “Tonight is a night of retribution. For Indianola Jones, retribution for sticking his nose in my business. For Average Joe and the American Trucker, it’s retribution for taking something that doesn’t belong to you. For you schmucks out there, it’s retribution for cheering these low lifes on as they took my money. That’s right, watch out for gas prices going to $4.50 per gallon. Suck on that a while. You people need to know your place because, like it or not, there are those who have, like me, and there are those who haven’t, and that’s all of you. Face it, some people are just better than others…just ask Indianola Jones here.

VIDEO RECAP OF BIG OIL/AVERAGE JOE/AMERICAN TRUCKER FEUD:
It all started at 5/6- PCW Extreme Political TV- Kirk Walstreit tells Big Oil that even though Exxon Mobil had record profits that it wasn’t good enough for Wall Street. Big Oil agrees and suggests that gas prices should go even higher. He then gets jumped by both American Trucker and Average Joe.

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5/19-PCW Extreme Political TV-During Big Oil/Triple R brawl, American Trucker and Average Joe sneak in set his wheelbarrow full of money on fire.
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5/26-PCW Extreme Political TV-Big Oil calls the fans ingrates for cheering Average Joe and American Trucker burning his money up. He introduces a film clip that shows him driving American Trucker’s rig into Average Joe’s house, causing both to explode.
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6/3-PCW Extreme Political TV- Big Oil hires Rough Justice (D.B. Ruff and Connor Justice- two former police officers fired from their jobs for using over the top, extreme measures) as protection. Big Oil finds out that the American Trucker and Average Joe has used his money to purchase a semi-truck and new house to replace the ones Big Oil destroyed when he ran American Trucker’s semi into Average Joe’s house.
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MATCH #2 PCW GRUDGE MATCH: BIG OIL and KIRK WALSTREIT w/Texas Tex and Rough Justice (American Patriots) vs. AVERAGE JOE and AMERICAN TRUCKER (Independent)
Suave: “This is class warfare at its most ugly. I’m afraid, Average Joe and American Trucker may be outnumbered with the addition of Rough Justice.” Big Oil and American Trucker to start. Lock up and basic counter. American Trucker gets a surprise roll up for 2. Big Oil hip tosses AT and wrenches in an arm drag. American Trucker escapes, a high cross body and another quick cover for 2. Big Oil’s pissed and hits a crucifix. Power slam followed by a suplex. Big Oil throws AT into the corner and kicks away. Boot to the throat and American Trucker is driven to the canvas. Big Oil for the splash. AT rolls away and tags in Average Joe.

Basement dropkick by Average Joe, and Big Oil tags out to Walstreit. He and Big Oil conference first. Walstreit starts with a springboard leg drop. Walstreit throws Average Joe to the floor. Big Oil ambushes him with rights to him. Texas Tex tries to get a cheap shot in with the golden money belt, but American Trucker comes to his rescue. The commotion allows Walstreit to get a sweet tornado DDT off of the apron and through the ring table. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Big Oil throws Average Joe back in the ring. Walstreit slams him into the corner. Then he goes to his corner and brings out the autographed picture of ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit (whom he has a huge man crush on) poses, and then eats a side kick from American Trucker. A spin kick drops Walstreit. Big Oil distracts the ref to allow Walstreit to sneak in a cheap shot. Irish whip and a sunset flip by Walstreit for 2. Average Joe tossed to the floor again. Slingshot cross body by Walstreit connects on the floor. D.B. Ruff of Rough Justice gets a couple kicks in for good measure and then he and his partner, Connor Justice, toss Average Joe back into the ring.

Average Joe needs to tag badly. American Trucker yells to him. Walstreit lays the boots to Average Joe. Back breaker into a neck breaker. Walstreit covers for 2 and then tags in Big Oil. He goes for a suplex, gets it and transitions right into a camel clutch. American Trucker jumps in and breaks the hold. Walstreit in and we’re off to the races. Average Joe fights to his feet. American Trucker goes after Big Oil. Walstreit continues to punish Average Joe. Walstreit off the ropes into a Lou Thiesz press. Big Oil and American Trucker battle on the apron. Big Oil goes for the power bomb but AT holds on to his arm and pulls the big guy down with him. Both men are down. Flinging himself off the ropes, Walstreit hits a flying forearm. Alabama slam. Walstreit whips Average Joe to the corner. Average Joe avoids Walstreit and gets the sunset flip for a very close 2. Rough Justice hits the ring. Ruff and Justice both taser Average Joe and hand him to Walstreit. Stock Market Plunge. Walstreit covers and gets the pin.

WINNER: BIG OIL and KIRK WALSTREIT (American Patriots)

The crowd boos and throws debris into the ring. Big Oil gives the American Trucker an Oklahoma Driller just for spit. He takes the mic and gloats. He holds up four fingers to signify ‘$4 per gallon of gas’ and tells both Average Joe and American Trucker that you ‘don’t @#$# with people with money and power.’ Big Oil: “We can do anything we want to and there’s nothing you can do or say to stop us.” More boos and debris. Big Oil holds his hand out and demands that American Trucker turn over the title to his semi-truck and Average Joe the title to his house.

The Extreme Attorneys- Felcher and Felcher, walk out to the ring. R Felcher goes to Big Oil and hands him a sheet of paper. Big Oil: “What the @#$# is this?” R Felcher: “This is an injunction.” The PCW fans stand and cheer. Big Oil looks stunned. B Felcher: “This injunction prohibits you, or anyone else, from taking ipossession the American Trucker’s truck or Average Joe’s house.” R Felcher: “This means, both items in question will stay in the possession of the American Trucker and Average Joe. Suave: “I don’t believe it! The crowd is actually cheering the Extreme Attorneys.”

Big Oil throws a major in ring fit and leaves. On the way out, he shouts if Average Joe’s house and American Trucker’s rig isn’t returned to him, he’ll push for $5 per gallon gas prices. The crowd continues to jeer Big Oil all the way to the back. Suave can’t believe that the Extreme Attorneys have come to the rescue of Average Joe and the American Trucker. Suave: “It’s almost like that scene from Philadelphia where Denzel Washington refuses to take Tom Hanks’s case. Then Hanks goes to the library to research AIDS discrimination cases. Denzel sees the way he’s treated and it totally changes his attitude.” B Felcher: “Naah. They just gave us part of the money in the wheelbarrow as a retainer.”

Suave: “Figures.”

SCHETT BROTHERS PROMO
Jack Schett and Bull Schett announce that this is A-Bomb and H-Bomb’s last chance. Jack says that ever since the Schett’s won the PCW Tag Team belts, the Bomb Brothers have been a step behind. Jack: “…and that’s no Schett.” Suave: “Nice…more stupid potty references.” Bull says that the Schetts have one thing that the Bombs don’t have…well, besides the belts that is. Bull: “We have the ultimate insurance policy…the ultimate security blanket. Because if you try to take our PCW Tag Team belts, you’ll have to get past the Extreme Schnauzer- Hans Gruber. Suave: “The dog named after the guy who wrote ‘Silent Night.’ Bull: “NINE! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU @#4#ING SAID THAT! THAT’S A BUNCH OF BULL-SCHETT! Hans Gruber is only the…GREATEST MOVIE VILLIAN OF ALL TIME! DIDN’T YOU SEE DIE HARD? SCHELL!”

Suave: “So sensitive.”

BACKSTAGE:
Dr. Bill is pumping up FUBAR for his big match tonight. Dr. Bill: “If you’re tired of being a jobber, then be a star! If you hate losing, then win!” Suave: “Again, this guy went to college to spout out contrarian psychobabble wrapped up in kitschy one liners?”

MATCH #3- THREE WAY DANCE FOR THE PCW TELEVISION TITLE: INDIANOLA JONES © (Independent) vs. FUBAR w/his Life Coach, Dr. Bill (Jobber) vs. ‘No Frills’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO (Independent)
Suave:
“Last week, after taking some advice from Escondido about getting a life coach, FUBAR took the PCW Television champion to the limit with help from Dr. Bill. We’ll see just how he…HOLY CRAP…INDIANOLA JONES IS SOMEHOW STUMBLING TO THE RING.” Still feeling the after effects of the savage beatdown from Big Oil and Rough Justice, a bloody 65 year old Jones crawls into the ring and collapses. Suave: “HE CAN’T WRESTLE! THERE’S JUST NO WAY!” Escondido agrees. He checks on Jones. Dr. Bill wanders over and pushes Escondido out of the ring. FUBAR’s not sure what’s happening. The bell hasn’t rung yet. Dr. Bill implores the ref to ring the bell. Bell rings and FUBAR quickly pins Jones.

INDIANOLA JONES ELIMINATED

An angry Escondido climbs back into the ring and starts chasing Dr. Bill around the ring. Dr. Bill drops his clipboard at FUBAR’s foot. FUBAR picks up the clipboard and potatoes Escondido in the kisser with it. Cover. 1…2…3?

WINNER AND NEW PCW TELEVISION CHAMPION: FUBAR (Independent)

Suave: “I don’t believe it. This just didn’t happen, did it?” FUBAR stands in the ring and looks bit a lost as the referee puts the TV belt around his waist. Dr. Bill raises his hand up. Suave admits that you can’t argue with the results.

BACKSTAGE:
Barack Obama arrives in the back and sees Independent Joe Lieberman standing nearby. He beelines right for Lieberman and proceeds to have an animated conversation with him. Suave: “I wonder what’s going on there? I’m guessing the fact Joe Lieberman supports John McCain for PCW CEO isn’t sitting very well for the Progressive Alliance nominee.”

‘Sports Entertainment Guy’ MR. McMANN and VINCE ROUSSEAU MEET IN THE RING
Mr. McMann offers George W the sum of ONE MILLION DOLLARS to allow him to improve PCW by adding his genius at sports entertainment. Mr. McMann: “Again, *I* know what the audience wants more than what the audience thinks it wants.”

Rousseau counters with a brand new idea for a gimmick match- a War Games Twister Match. The first wrestler to climb a ladder and grab the spinner off a pole gets to spin it and everyone has to do what the spinner says.

Mr. McMann calls out PCW CEO George W. and demands that he choose between him and his ‘genius’ or the convoluted trainwreck, overbooked matches that Rousseau specializes in. The horribly off-key mariachi band comes out playing ‘Hail to the Chief.’ Suave: “I guess we’re going to find out-” The mariachi band suddenly shifts songs and starts playing an equally hideous, really bad, off-key version of Def Leppard’s ‘Rock, Rock, Til You Drop!” Suave: “Wait a minute! That’s not PCW CEO George W coming out. That’s the EXTREME EQUALIZER- WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT!”

Mr. McMann: “Now wait a second…wait!…HEY! NOOOOOOO!” Kick. Chokeslam. Goodnight, Mr. McMann. Rousseau tries to exit the ring but Whiskey Tango Foxtrot catches him. Kick. Chokeslam. Goodnight, Mr. Rousseau. For good measure, WTF takes out the horribly off-key mariachi band too.

The crowd gives him a standing ovation as he leaves.

A. BOMB and H-BOMB PROMO
A-Bomb comes out and makes an admission. They’ve hit a lull. A down period. After winning the tag team belts, the Bomb Brothers have lost their way. A-Bomb: “Tonight, that all changes.” H-Bomb promises to bring out the political extreme tonight and the Schetts had better be ready for a war. H-Bomb: “Tonight, we’re bringing the family back together…and adding some new blood.”

A-Bomb and H-Bomb come to the ring led by their long-lost cousin, Sign Dude, who proudly displays a sign that says “Eat Schett and Die!” Suave: “Wow! Haven’t seen Sign Dude for awhile.” ‘Silent But Deadly” Newt Tron Bomb is next. N-Bomb announces that that the Bombs needed a little female protection so they’ve brought in a new enforcer. Suave: “Gee, I wonder what her name could be? Olivia Neutron Bomb? Nope. It’s the owner of the most lethal pair of high heel shoes this side of the Mississippi- a six foot demolition machine in a short skirt. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! IT’S DAWN McGILL!” Crowd: “WELCOME BACK! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap) WELCOME BACK!” A-Bomb introduces the other new member of the Bomb family- ‘The Mastermind’ Karl Rove. Rove comes out pointing to his temple as usual to make sure everyone knows just what a freakin’ genius he is.

MATCH #4- PCW TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: JACK SCHETT and BULL SCHETT © w/Horst Schett and the Extreme Schnauzer Hans Gruber (Progressive Alliance) vs. A. TOM BOMB and HY DROGEN BOMB w/Newt Tron Bomb, Dawn McGill, and ‘The Mastermind’ Karl Rove (American Patriots)
Forget the bell. A-Bomb and H-Bomb wade in and meet Jack and Bull Schett in their corner. Rove again points to his temple to show he’s a genius. Horst Schett tries to get a couple cheapies in causing N-Bomb to suddenly blurt out, “that’s a pile of horse @#$#!” Suave: “Sigh…” The Schetts grab their title belts and start whipping A-Bomb and H-Bomb. H-Bomb looks ready to go off but Bull chokes him with the title belt. N-Bomb to the top. He tries a flying elbow but Bull’s gone and H-Bomb is the recipient. A-Bomb tosses Bull out to the floor. Dawn McGill and A-Bomb toss Bull face first into the barricade. Then A-Bomb dives over the barricade and wipes out Bull. Back in, Jack Schett facewashes H-Bomb who’s nearly ready to explode. Jack tries to crack open H-Bomb’s skull. Horst throws in a barbed-wire 2×4. H-Bomb goes low and Horst drops the 2 x 4. H-Bomb hits a Russian Leg Sweep with the 2×4 and then smashes it into Jack’s crotch. Suave: “Ow…ow, ow…ow.” Barbed wire 2×4 across Jack’s forehead. Suave: “OW…OW, OW, OW, OW OWWWW!” McGill throws in a table. H-Bomb sets it up and then McGill introduces a barbed-wire panel. Suave: “Oh…no….” H-Bomb lifts Jack up and Hydrogen Power Bombs him through the table- barbed wire and all. Suave: “HOLY FREAKIN’ CRAP!”

*YEEEEEE-AHHHHH!*

H-Bomb covers. Barack Obama and ‘The American Screamer’ Howard Dean runs out with the Clinton Political Pitbulls (James Carville and Terry McAuliffe) to break the count. N-Bomb and Dawn jump in the ring. Dawn goes low on both Carville and McAuliffe and sets up the barbed-wire board in the corner. N-Bomb sticks his butt in Carville’s face. Suave: “HOLD ON TO YOUR NOSES. HE’S GOING FOR THE SILENT BUT DEADLY!” McAuliffe grabs the barbed wire board and whacks N-Bomb in the ass with it. N-Bomb jumps around and accidently sets off his Silent But Deadly right in front of Dawn. She’s out. Horst Schett in with a chair and clobbers N-Bomb. Horst tosses him out. Horst takes out H-Bomb with the chair and throws him from the ring as well.

A-Bomb and Bull battle through the main floor of Hack’s. A-Bomb is bleeding from a glass pitcher shot. Bull has a cut eye from going face first into the barricade. Horst to the floor. He stretches a ladder across the barricade and apron and tosses H-Bomb on. A-Bomb off the barricade and drives Horst into the ladder, knocking H-Bomb off. McAuliffe and Carville double team A-Bomb and put him on the ladder. Bull to the top. Suave: “This could do it…HERE COMES TRIPLE R!” ‘The Angry Highway Warrior’ runs down and pushes Bull off the top. Then he attacks McAuliffe and Carville. Dean tries to pull him off. H-Bomb up on the ladder. He crushes all four to the floor. Horst lets loose the Extreme Schnauzer Han Gruber. The dog sinks his teeth in H-Bomb’s leg. A-Bomb tries to pulls the dog off and gets waffled by a chairshot from Jack Schett. Jack rolls A-Bomb back into the ring. ‘The Mastermind’ Karl Rove actually sets foot in the ring with a chair. Jack sees him and backs the Mastermind into a corner. He swipes the chair and then takes Rove out with it.

Horst sets a table up in the ring. Bull sets A-Bomb on top of it. Jack climbs the turnbuckle, turns his back, and places a brick in the back of his tights. He then Schett Bricks A-Bomb through the table! One…two…three.

WINNER AND STILL PCW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: JACK AND BULL SCHETT (Progressive Alliance)

Suave: “That was a war…an absolute war. But the Obama/Clinton factions of the Progressive Alliance unite to keep the Tag Team belts in their group.”

Obama tells Dean that there’s no place in his Progressive Alliance for a loose cannon like Triple R. Dean then kicks Triple R out of the Progressive Alliance. McAuliffe and Carville unceremoniously toss Triple R off the stage onto the main floor. Obama, Dean, and the Political Pitbulls return to the back with the tag team champions.

WOMEN’S LOCKER ROOM
Kathryn Randall Collins…aka KRC finds an envelope in her locker. She opens it up and reads a note.

MATCH #5- PCW WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH: ‘Empress Queen of All Media’ OPAL WINFREE © w/Opal’s Flock- New Age Sensitive Guy and Soccer Mom (Progressive Alliance) vs. ‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ TESSA MARTIN of the 3 Amigas w/Tequila Sheila and Daisy Cutter-Bomb (Independent)
Suave: “Two years ago, Tessa Martin made her first appearance right here at Loose Cannons 2. Tonight, she goes for the PCW Women’s title. Could this be the night for the PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl? Or will Opal continue her reign as champion.”

Tessa starts fast and they brawl. Lots of punches back and forth. Opal in control. Big boot to Tessa. Opal clotheslines her to the floor. Soccer Mom pulls Tessa up, yell’s “IT’S FOR THE CHILDREN!” and slams the PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl into the railing. Opal then throws her on the steps. Daisy Cutter-Bomb joins the fray and slams Opal into the railing now. Tequila Sheila hits a blender shot on Soccer Mom. Tequila Sheila slammed to the ring steps by Opal. New Age Sensitive Guy apologizes to Daisy while holding her down for Soccer Mom to hit some rights on her. Tessa climbs back in the ring. Opal’s not paying attention on the floor so Tessa leaps through the ropes and hits a high cross body. Crowd: “PCW…PCW!” Soccer Mom again attacks Tessa. She escapes but eats a big boot from Opal. Splash by Opal against the edge of the ring. Back elbows by Tessa. Head butt by Opal and then the chokeslam connects.

Tessa lies on the floor as Soccer Mom and Opal kick away. Daisy whips around the ring with an oversized pizza box. Daisy sets and plasters Soccer Mom with the pizza box. Opal superkicks the pizza box into Daisy’s face. Tree slam by Opal on Daisy through a table! Opal grabs Tessa by the hair- tree slam through another table. She covers for 2 but Tequila Sheila makes the save with her blender once again. Opal sets, charges and runs right into a tilt-a-whirl slam. Tessa locks in the STO- but Opal powers out of it. Finally back in the ring. Missile drop kicks to Opal. Clothesline puts her down. Tessa on the top rope. Suddenly, Barack Obama runs out. He distracts Tessa long enough to allow Opal to face plant her from the top rope. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! THAT WAS WICKED.”

Tessa’s unconscious. Easy cover for Opal.

WINNER AND STILL PCW WOMEN’S CHAMPION: ‘Empress Queen of All Media’ OPAL WINFREE

BARACK OBAMA PROMO
Obama states now that he’s the nominee of the Progressive Alliance, it’s time to look forward to November and PCW Extreme Election Night 2008. Obama will campaign to become the next PCW CEO to enact change and work for more fairness within PCW. Obama claims John McCain would continue the poor and haphazard leadership of current PCW CEO George W. He states PCW can do better. Tonight, his wrestler, O’Beck Bahama, has a chance to do something very few rookie wrestlers ever get to accomplish- become the new PCW title. Obama claims his leadership will win Bahama the title.

JOHN McCAIN PROMO
McCain retorts that Obama would take us back to the days of Jimmy Carter…if Jimmy Carter was ever PCW CEO. McCain returns to his theme of Obama ‘talking about change’ while he actually works for change. McCain heralds his ability to work with members of the Progressive Alliance to the betterment of PCW. He then talks up the PCW champion, Starz N. Stripes. McCain explains that Starz has been around PCW since 2005. Starz worked his way up and now all of his hard work has paid off- he is the PCW champion. McCain: “It’s the American dream in action.”

McCain and Obama shake hands in the ring.

MEN’S LOCKER ROOM
Triple R slams open his locker and finds an envelope very similar to the one KRC found in her locker. He reads it and looks very intrigued.

MATCH #6- PCW TITLE MATCH: ‘The Original Rookie Sensation’ STARZ N. STRIPES © w/John McCain (American Patriots) vs. ‘The New Rookie Sensation’ O’BECK BAHAMA w/Barack Obama (Progressive Alliance)
Suave: “This is it. O’Beck Bahama has come a long way in his very short time here PCW. Does he have enough experience behind him to pull off the win over Starz N. Stripes tonight? Or is Starz still a couple steps ahead of him.” Charlene Ann Beckworth does the full ring introductions for both wrestlers. Bahama and Starz also shake hands in the ring. The bell rings.

A little staredown and then O’Beck shoves Starz right out of the box. Starz smiles and they circle around each other before locking up. Starz hits a bodyslam and Bahama retreats to the corner to slow things up. Both men stare each other down again. Another lockup, this time O’Beck pushes Starz into the corner and uncorks a wild right hand that the PCW champion easily ducks. Starz with a side headlock. Bahama shoots him into the ropes but Starz hangs onto them. Bahama aggressively chases down Starz and attempts to cut him off. Starz slides out of the ring and takes a walk.Starz back in and they lock up yet again. Bahama pushes Starz into the corner and delivers the boots to the gut. Out of nowhere, Starz stiffs him with a jarring right hand that sends O’Beck flying across the ring and out to the floor. Starz slingshots himself out of the ring and crushes Bahama against the steel barricade. Irish whip into the barricade on the other side. Starz throws Bahama back in the ring. Irish whip from Starz. Starz ducks for a backdrop but Bahama turns it into a neckbreaker. Bahama starts laying in right hands and sends Starz out this time through the ropes. Starz back up on the apron. Bahama charges into him and sends the PCW champion flying off the apron and onto a table. O’Beck wastes no time in climbing the top rope and putting Starz through the table. Crowd: “PCW…PCW!” Starz crawls out of the wreckage but Bahama follows up with a suplex. Suave: “The New Rookie Sensation is on his A game tonight. Starz could be in big trouble.” Suave also notes that both Obama and McCain have stayed clear of interfering in the match.

Bahama puts Starz in the abdominal stretch. Starz powers out of it into a hip toss. Bahama presses the attack, grabbing a nearby steel folding chair and waffling the champion in the face with it. Starz thrown in the ring. Bahama goes for the win. Suave: “1…2…NO! STARZ SOMEHOW KICKS OUT!!” Bahama can’t believe it and goes for another cover. Starz kicks out again. Bahama goes for a piledriver. Starz gets his feet back down and flips the New Rookie Sensation behind him. Running power bomb takes the air out of Bahama. Starz covers. Suave: “1…2…OBAMA PUT HIS FOOT ON THE ROPES!!” McCain shouts something over to Obama. Starz hits another running power bomb. This time, Obama gets up on the apron and distracts the referee just as Starz rolls him up. Suave counts to at least a five-count, but the referee is talking with Obama. Bahama hits another neckbreaker out of nowhere. The referee counts to two before the champion gets a shoulder up in time. Suave: “WHAT A MATCH! THIS IS THE BEST BAHAMA HAS LOOKED YET!”

Bahama climbs to the top rope but Starz crotches him on the top turnbuckle. Bahama tied in the tree of woe. McCain throws Starz a chair. Baseball slide and Bahama is potatoed with the chair. Roll up. Obama again pulls the referee’s attention away. McCain slams his hands on the canvas in frustration. Starz releases the hold. Suave: “Barack Obama again saves O’Beck Bahama from…WAIT A MINUTE! HERE COMES JOE LIEBERMAN!” Lieberman and Obama continue their debate from earlier in the night. Bahama gets up and sees Obama arguing with Lieberman. He turns his back on Starz and leans across the ropes. Starz slaps on the American Stars Double Fuji Bar submission hold and drives Bahama to the canvas. The referee is right there. Obama can’t get past Lieberman. O’Beck taps out.

WINNER AND STILL PCW CHAMPION: ‘The Original Rookie Sensation’ STARZ N. STRIPES (American Patriots)

Suave: “Starz N. Stripes holds on to the title. But O’Beck Bahama turned in an impressive performance. Only one title changes tonight, the PCW Television Title won by FUBAR…what?…

HACK’S RUSTY NAIL SALOON PARKING LOT
A stretch limousine pulls up to Triple R and KRC. The darkened window goes down and ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann sticks his head out the window. Mr. McMann: “So. Are you in or are you out?” Triple R and KRC look at each other. Then they get into the limo.

WHEN PCW-POLITICAL CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING RETURNS IN MID-AUGUST:
-The road to PCW Extreme Election Night 2008 begins in earnest. The PCW CEO contest and political shenanigans heat up as John McCain of the American Patriots, Barack Obama of the Progressive Alliance, Darth (Ralph) Nader from the Green World Order, and Libertarian Bob Barr vying to replace George W.

****
-We’ll find out what happens next in the continuing Big Oil/American Trucker/Average Joe feud. AT and Average Joe hired the Extreme Attorneys Felcher and Felcher to stop Big Oil from taking American Trucker’s semi-truck and Average Joe’s house. How will Big Oil respond?
****
-Will the new PCW TV champion FUBAR continue to improve under the guidance of his Life Coach Dr. Bill?
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-Will ‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin finally make it to the top of the PCW Women’s division?
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-And last but not least, what the hell is ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann up to? And how does ‘The Angry Highway Warrior’ Triple R (Road Rage Randy) and Kathryn Randall Collins aka KRC figure in his plans?
****
PCW IS ON HIATUS UNTIL MID-AUGUST. HOWEVER, WE WILL BE POSTING OLD BCEW-BUCKLAND COUNTY EXTREME WRESTLING SHOWS FROM THE FIRST SEASON, 2005-2006 OVER THE NEXT COUPLE MONTHS.
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Don’t forget, J.D. Elder’s new novel Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction features BCEW/PCW and several characters in the story. Check out this funny and occasionally biting political satire at Buckland County.com.

Official Press Release from Prairie Depot Press

Prairie Depot Press- Adventures in Low Budget, Small Time Book Publishing

PCW is online at:

6/3- PCW TV. WTF??…Dick Cheney & W. Virginia, the Progressive Alliance chooses their nominee, and Scott McClellan has an unpleasant encounter with Bob Dole.

 

PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV– June 3rd from Butte, MT/ Host: Johnny Suave
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PCW OVERVIEW (for the uninitiated)
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Suave: “It’s the go home show leading to next week’s Loose Cannons Unleashed 4! This is the final leg of the PCW Roadshow Across America tour and tonight we are live in Butte, Montana.” Suave announces the main event for tonight, a number one contender match for the PCW Women’s title between Kathryn Randall Collins aka KRC (Progressive Alliance) and ‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin and then recaps last week’s edition of PCW Extreme Political TV:

RECAP OF LAST WEEK
Big Oil stole American Trucker’s semi-truck and ran it into Average Joe’s average house, causing both to blow up. Wrestling legend in a cheap fedora, Indianola Jones, returns to the ring for the first time in 19 years to stand up to Big Oil. Big Oil challenges him to a match for the PCW Television title.
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‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann returned again to PCW to beg for a job. However, PCW CEO George W told him that someone else was getting a tryout this week- Vince Rousseau.
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Independent wrestler ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido defeated jobber FUBAR yet again. FUBAR vents after the match about always losing. Escondido tells him sarcastically to go get a life coach.
****
Vince Rousseau’s gimmick match involving an oversized Mousetrap board game and parts doesn’t quite go as planned.
****
The Progressive Alliance’s Triple R demands yet another match with O’Beck Bahama. He stands in the ring and swears he won’t move until he gets his match. Big Oil clears out Triple R and then takes on Indianola Jones. Jones, age 65, shocks the wrestling world by going George Foreman and Terry Funk and upsets Big Oil with the katahajime to become the new PCW Television champion. To top the evening off, American Trucker and Average Joe steal Big Oil’s wheelbarrow full of cash and run off with it.
****
————-

A quick moment of silence for late rock legend Bo Diddley starts the show.

PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE MEETING
Bill and Hillary Clinton make a final plea before a panel consisting of the ‘American Screamer’ Howard Dean, Nancy Pelosi, and Harry Reid. Hillary once again passionately presents the case that she, not Barack Obama, would be the best person to go up against the American Patriots’s John McCain for PCW CEO. Bill angrily rails against the treatment of Hillary throughout the process.

The Rev. Michael Pfleger then runs in and starts rubbing his eyes. Pfleger: “Oh, boo-hoo-hoo! This is mine. I’m Bill Clinton’s wife! I’m entitled. I’m-” Howard Dean: “Dude, you’re not helping.” Dean has Pfleger removed and then breaks the news to the Clintons. Dean: “It is my intention to introduce Barack Obama tonight as the nominee of the Progressive Alliance.” Bill protests but Dean tells him ‘it’s over.’

SCOTT McCLELLAN
Scott McClellan is in the ring to explain his new book while a third of the fans, who support the American Patriots, chant “YOU SOLD OUT! YOU SOLD OUT!” Over the din, McClellan tries to explain that he exercised his conscience in writing What Happened: Inside the Bush White House and Washington’s Culture of Deception. He noted that the tone of the book changed and became sharper as the process went along. A horribly off-key mariachi band began to play ‘Hail to the Chief’ and PCW CEO George W came to the ring. W doesn’t look in the greatest of moods and confronts McClellan.

George W: “Scott, why? How could you do that to me?” McClellan again tries to explain himself. McClellan: “You said, we were going to restore-OW! We were going to restore honor and integrity. You said-OW! You said, we were going to set the highest of-OW! The highest of standards-OWWW! DAMMIT BOB DOLE! STOP HITTING ME WITH BOTTLES OF VIAGRA!” Bob Dole climbs into the ring and growls at McClellan. Bob Dole: “You wanna know what Bob Dole thinks? Bob Dole thinks you’re a miserable creature motivated by greed to sell out George W. That’s what Bob Dole thinks.” McClellan tries again to explain himself but Dole pushes him. McClellan: “Stop that.” Crowd: “YOU SOLD OUT!” Dole: “Let’s go! If a sixty-five year old man can win the PCW Television title, then this eighty-four year old can kick your gutless ass, you ingrate. You should have quit or spoken up if you had issues.” Dole shoves him again. McClellan: “Bob, stop it.” Dole: “When the cash rolls in from your book, you should donate it to a worthy cause, such as, ‘Biting the Hand that Feeds Me.” Dole shoves him again. McClellan warns him one more time to stop pushing him. Dole: “If all these awful things were happening, you should have spoken up like a man or quit your cushy, high profile job. That would have taken integrity and courage.” McClellan tries to walk away. Dole spins him back around and jabs the pen that’s clenched in his left hand (the arm that was injured in the military) across McClellan’s forehead. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! HE’S BUSTED OPEN!”

McClellan sees his own blood, snaps, and knees Dole in the groin. Then he clotheslines the former senator and high tails it from the ring, leaving the elder statesman of the American Patriots lying in the ring. Suave: “I’d make some smart-ass Viagra joke right here but I don’t think it’d be very appropriate.”

FUBAR comes out and addresses the aftermath of his match with ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido last week where Escondido told him to get a life coach. FUBAR announces that he’s done exactly that and introduces his new life coach- Dr. Bill. Suave: “Dr. Bill? What the hell? A cheesy rip-off of Dr. Phil?” Dr. Bill walks out and joins FUBAR. FUBAR brags that the advice Dr. Bill has given him in the last week has totally changed his life. Suave: “Okay. He said that about Coach Bobby Petrino before he left to take a better paying job and Coach Bob Knight before Knight threw a chair at him.” Dr. Bill says that ‘FUBAR’s tired of losing. So I told him, STOP LOSING!” Suave: “That’s freakin’ brilliant, Sigmund Freud.”

MATCH #1- PCW TELEVISION TITLE MATCH: INDIANOLA JONES © (Independent) vs. FUBAR w/his life coach Dr. Bill (Jobber)
Suave:
“I’ll give Indianola Jones credit. He might be 65 years old but he’s not wasting any time putting the TV belt on the line.” FUBAR comes out with newfound confidence and takes the battle to Jones. But early on, Jones holds control of the match with a rest hold chinlock. Snap mare suplex by Jones. Elbow drop. Jones goes armdrag and then wrenches the arm around the ring post. Dr. Bill yells encouraging mini-slogans at FUBAR including: “You’re losing the match, start winning.” Suave: “Again, this guy certainly earns every penny he gets…”

FUBAR reverses and throws Jones out of the ring. FUBAR grabs a chair and starts swinging. Chairshot. Then he climbs up on the ring apron and dives with the chair onto Jones. Dr. Bill continues to urge him on. Leg drop. Jones looks sluggish and tired. FUBAR pulls him up and throws him back into the ring. FUBAR climbs the ropes and goes for the splash. Jones rolls at the last moment and FUBAR bounces off the canvas. Jones somehow maneuvers around… Suave: “KATAHAJIME! JONES LOCKS IN THE KATAHAJIME AND FUBAR TAPS OUT!”

WINNER AND STILL PCW TELEVISION CHAMPION: INDIANOLA JONES

Suave: “FUBAR shows some improvement despite having Dr. Bill, his so-called life coach, in his corner.” Dr. Bill consoles FUBAR after the match and tells him he did much better tonight.

BACKSTAGE WITH THE CLINTONS
Bill and Hillary inform the ‘Angry Highway Warrior’ Triple R (aka…Road Rage Randy) that the Progressive Alliance will name Barack Obama as their nominee. Triple R: “Yeah but, what about my title match next week against Starz N. Stripes?” Hillary curtly reminds Triple R he lost the qualifying match which would have given him the title shot. Triple R throws a fit and yells that the Clintons promised him the PCW Title. Bill: “Well, all I can tell you is sometimes things don’t work out quite the way you want them to.” Triple R stomps away.

BIG OIL SEGMENT
Big Oil walks out with Kirk Walstreit (American Patriots)- no Texas Tex, no wheelbarrow. He calls what happened last week outright robbery and demands justice. But, because he knows that PCW won’t do anything to get his money back and everyone is jealous of his success, he’s forced to take matters into his own hands. Big Oil: “Last week is the last time that any lesser species will ever lay their hand on me.” Out comes Rough Justice- D.B. Ruff and Conner Justice, two former police officers fired for their over the top, extreme brand of justice and Big Oil’s newly hired muscle. Big Oil then calls out American Trucker and Average Joe and demands to know what they’ve done with his money.

American Trucker and Average Joe appear via satellite from Ohio. They thank Big Oil for his ‘most gracious apology for destroying American Trucker’s semi-truck and Average Joe’s house. American Trucker: “Because of your generosity, I’ve replaced my old, worn out semi-truck with a brand new, state of the art rig.” Average Joe: “And with the proceeds you so selflessly donated, I purchased a brand new house.” Big Oil boils over and he calls out PCW CEO George W to straighten the situation out. The off-key mariachi band appears with an even worse (if that’s possible) version of Hail to the Chief and George W comes back to the ring. Big Oil demands action against American Trucker and Average Joe. The PCW CEO demurs and then, big ovation interrupts him when the new PCW Television Champion Indianola Jones walks out.

Big Oil tells Jones he can have the ‘worthless PCW TV Title’ because the belt he wants is currently held by Starz N. Stripes. Jones has a solution- next week at PCW Loose Cannons Unleashed 4, Big Oil and Walstreit vs. Average Joe and American Trucker. If Big Oil and Walstreit win, they get the American Trucker’s truck and Average Joe’s house. If they lose, the American Trucker and Average Joe get another wheelbarrow overflowing with cash from Big Oil.

Big Oil quickly accepts.

DICK CHENEY/WEST VIRGINIA SONG
Dick Cheney in the ring to apologize for saying that his family has Cheneys on both sides of his family tree dating back to the 1600’s and we don’t even live in West Virginia. Dick: “On reflection, I conclude that it was an inappropriate attempt at humor that he should not have made. I’d like to apologize to the people of West Virginia by singing a song for them…” Suave: “Oh, no. This can’t end good.”

Cheney sings (to the tune of John Denver’s ‘Country Roads’):

Almost hell
West Virginia
Black Lung disease
The state that God threw up on.

All the cars are old there
Rusting in the hills
My old lady’s pregnant
We can’t afford the pill

I wanna go home
But there’s no road
From this place
I don’t belong
West Virginia
Up your mama
I wanna go home
But there’s no road.

Dark and lumpy
Kills your liver
It’s not the moonshine
It’s the Shenandoah River

Everything is old-

*Def Leppard’s ‘Rock, Rock, Til You Drop blares*

 

The Extreme Equalizer Whiskey Tango Foxtrot runs in, grabs Dick by the throat, and chokeslams him through the ring table, much to the delight of the crowd.

PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE ANNOUNCEMENT
Dean, Pelosi, and Reid come out to make the formal announcement along with Barack Obama and O’Beck Bahama. Dean: “It’s been a long, long road to tonight. But, we can now say that after a spirited and sometimes contentious campaign, the nominee of the Progressive Alliance to become the next PCW CEO is…Barack-” Triple R attacks and knocks Dean down. He goes right to Bahama and they begin to brawl. Pelosi and Reid try to restore order but Triple R pushes them both down. Obama even tries to stop Triple R but he gets shoved away. Bahama charges Triple R. Triple R oles Bahama and the New Rookie Sensation hits the ring post hard. He’s dazed.

Suave: “HERE COMES THE ANGRY LEFT-WING BLOGGERS!” Media Matters For America, Eric Alterman, and Daily Kos run in. Triple R DDT’s Media Matters, tosses Alterman over the top rope, and kicks Daily Kos in the groin. Piledriver to Daily Kos and then he’s tossed out of the ring. Triple R then throws Dean over the top rope. Both Pelosi and Reid wisely bail. Triple R grabs the mic and throws an in-ring temper tantrum of epic proportion. He says he’s been screwed out of the BCEW/PCW, ‘whatever the @#$# you want to call the thing’ for the final time. Triple R: “Ever since I came back, George W and everyone involved in PCW has done everything in their power to keep me from reclaiming what is rightfully mine- the PCW title. I’ve been screwed for the last time. I’ve been lied to for the last time. @#$# everyone else! I will-” Three referees hit the ring. Triple R smacks one with the mic and then quickly dispatches of the other two.

Hillary Clinton comes out and tells Triple R ‘that’s enough.’ Triple R ignores her and kicks away at both the remaining referee in the ring and then O’Beck Bahama. She signals to the back and the Clinton Political Pitbulls- James Carville and Terry McAuliffe, hit the ring. The Pitbulls hesitate and then tackle Triple R.

As the Pitbulls clean up the ring, a somber Hillary and Bill Clinton leave.

Suave announces that due to the fracas, the Kathryn Randall Collins/‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin #1 contenders match has been moved back to the Loose Cannons 4 Pay Per View. Suave: “Here’s the rest of the card for Loose Cannons Unleashed 4.”

FINAL CARD FOR LOOSE CANNONS UNLEASHED 4
-#1 Contender Match for PCW Women’s Title: Kathryn Randall Collins aka KRC (Progressive Alliance) vs. ‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin of the 3 Amigas w/Tequila Sheila and Daisy Cutter-Bomb (Independent)
-Grudge match: Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit (American Patriots) vs. American Trucker and Average Joe (Independent)
-PCW Television Title Three Way Dance: 65 year old Indianola Jones (Independent) © vs. ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido (Independent) vs. FUBAR (Independent)
-PCW Women’s Title Match: ‘Media Empress’ Opal Winfree © w/Opal’s Flock- New Age Sensitive Guy and Soccer Mom (Progressive Alliance) vs. the winner of the ‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin and Kathryn Randall Collins match
-PCW Tag Team Title Match: Jack Schett and Bull Schett © w/Horst Schett and the Extreme Schnauzer, Hans Gruber (Progressive Alliance) vs. A. Tom Bomb and Hy Drogen Bomb (American Patriots)
-PCW Title Match: The ‘Original Rookie Sensation’ Starz N. Stripes © w/John McCain (American Patriots) vs. The ‘New Rookie Sensation’ O’Beck Bahama w/Barack Obama (Progressive Alliance)
————–

J.D. Elder’s new novel Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction features BCEW/PCW and several characters in the story. Check out this funny and occasionally biting political satire at www.bucklandcounty.com or these online bookstores:
****
You can also order it direct from:
Prairie Depot Press
P.O. Box 25
Wauseon, Ohio 43567
****
****
PCW is online at:

 

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