1/20/2008 PCW Weapons of Mass Political Destruction

Tonight, PCW goes back into the archives for January 2008′s PCW Weapons of Mass Political Destruction PPV.  The Republican and Democratic primaries were in full swing in late January, 2008 as Barack Obama (D-IL) and John McCain (R-AZ) began their road towards their battle in November, 2008.

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1/20- PCW WEAPONS OF MASS POLITICAL DESTRUCTION PPV PREVIEW

Johnny Suave: Good evening to tonights PCW pay per view event- PCW Weapons of Mass Destruction. Let’s quickly run down tonight’s card:

Peta from PETA of the Green World Order (Progressive Alliance) vs. Daisy Cutter-Bomb of Ron Paul’s New Libertarian Army (American Patriots)

A huge grudge match between bitter rivals: MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann (Progressive Alliance) vs. Fox News’s No Spin Culture Warrior Bill O’Reilly in an extreme death match

Big Oil w/ Texas Tex and Mitt Romney (American Patriots) vs. Mike the Mechanic w/Sheila the secretary and Mike Huckabee. Both men try to settle an old score once and for all.

Triple R w/Arianna Huffington (Progressive Alliance) vs. ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido (Independent)

PCW Tag Team Champions Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don Martini (Independent) defend their title against the Green World Order- Extreme Vegan Brock Cole Lee and GreenPete w/PeaceNick and Peta from PETA.

PCW Women’s Champion Kathryn Randall Collins w/Hillary Clinton and the Clinton Political Pitbulls, James Carville and Terry McAuliffe (Progressive Alliance) vs. former champion “Media Empress” Opal Winfree w/Opal’s Flock- Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy, and Barack Obama.

Finally, the big one. PCW World Champion “Not just intolerable. Not just unbearable. He is…” Justin Sufferable (Progressive Alliance) defends against the former ‘Rookie Sensation’ Starz N. Stripes w/ ‘Straight Shootin’ John McCain

Suave: Tonight, we’ll also be celebrating the upcoming release of the new novel by J.D. Elder, Loose Cannons and Weapons of Mass Political Destruction. The group that’s about to perform is featured in the novel. Here are the Black Swamp Pirates and their big song, “American Elitist!”

The lead guitarist strums the mandolin intro of “American Elitist.” Then lead singer Junior Jackson takes the mic:

I don’t want to be an American Elitist
Don’t want to be smug, self-absorbed, and conceited
Looking down your nose while sipping cappuccino
Push your political views cause you act or hit a high note
I know it’s hard to see us when you’re up so far above
I guess we’re supposed to listen, cause you’ve got a Hollywood star
Your perks and privilege gets you places we will never see.
Your power and prestige gets you people we’ll never meet.

The band kicks in a hard drivin’ country beat.

So Barbra Streisand, you won’t defeat us
You and the rest of the American Elitists
Just like Michael Moore, hell, you’d better believe us
Stay inside your limousine behind the tinted glass
Hide behind the velvet ropes and you can kiss our ass

Everyone inside the barn claps.

I don’t want to be an American Elitist
Corporate greed feeds the rich, the rest of us simply bleed yes
Golden parachutes, they protect the big gun
While no one gives a damn about the little ones
I know it’s hard to see us when you’re up so far above
And I guess you’ve got a better way since you drive a fancy car
Your perks and privileges gets you places we will never see.
Your power and prestige gets you people we’ll never meet.

So Rush Limbaugh, you won’t defeat us
You and the rest of the American Elitists
Just like, Dick Cheney, hell you’d better believe us
Stay inside your limousine behind the tinted glass
Hide out at your country clubs and you can kiss our ass

I don’t want to be an American Elitist
Big money special interests, well they get what they need yeah
One dollar equals one vote, that’s the way the game’s played
While the rest of us watch as our dreams slowly slip away
I know it’s hard to see us when you’re up so far above
And if you’ve got the cash to pay, you get all the fun
Your perks and privileges gets you places we will never see.
Your power and prestige gets you people we’ll never meet.

Hey NRA, you won’t defeat us
You and the rest of the American Elitists

Hey you, George Soros, you’d better believe us

Stay inside your limousine behind the tinted glass
Spend your cash, buy an election and you can kiss our ass
Hey Wall Street Journal, you won’t defeat us
You and the rest of the American Elitists
Like Rolling Stone, you’d better believe us.
Stay inside your limousine behind the tinted glass
Watch us from your ivory towers and you can kiss our ass

Most of the crowd repeats the ‘kiss my ass’ line at the end of the song.

1/20- PCW WEAPONS OF MASS POLITICAL DESTRUCTION PPV
From the Ol’ Man Hanson’s Barn, Chelsea, MI. Johnny Suave announcing.

A thunderous ‘PCW…PCW!’ echos through the barn as Johnny Suave and a life-size cardboard cut-out of road-racer Danica Patrick hit the ring.

Suave: WELCOME TO PCW WEAPONS OF MASS POLITICAL DESTRUCTION!

The crowd noise increases even more

Suave: We are live at Ol’ Man Hanson’s Barn for tonight’s pay per view. I’m Johnny Suave. This hot piece of cardboard is Danica Patrick. All right, let’s get to the first match. Peta from PETA and Daisy Cutter-Bomb have knocked heads repeatedly the past couple weeks. Let’s look back…

REPLAY- GREEN WORLD ORDER-GREENPETE AND ‘VEGAN’ BROCK COLE LEE vs. RON PAUL’S NEW LIBERTARIAN ARMY- A. TOM BOMB AND HY DROGEN BOMB at PCW Drama In Des Moines
The Angry Left Wing Bloggers (Daily Kos, Media Matters For America, Eric Alterman, and NY Times Columnist Paul Krugman) rush out to help GreenPete and Brock Cole Lee and quadruple team A-Bomb and N-Bomb. Ron Paul comes to their rescue but the Bloggers fight him off. Politically Incorrect (Nic Koteen and Al Cahall) comes in to help the New Libertarian Army even the odds. Daisy Cutter-Bomb hops out of the ring to help but gets blindsided by a revived Peta from PETA. Peta then jumps on Daisy’s back and knocks her out with chloroform. Taking it even further to the extreme, Peta handcuffs Daisy wrists around the turnbuckle and starts to whack away at her back with a Singapore cane. PeaceNick, of course, is horrified and begins to protest.

Suave: Daisy would get some measure of revenge in New Hampshire the next week…

REPLAY- PETA FROM PETA vs. DAISY CUTTER-BOMB at PCW Mayhem at Manchester
Peta cowers in the corner and tries to escape. Daisy pulls her back in and suplexes her. Daisy stalks Peta. Peta makes an attempt at offense on Daisy. Unfortunately, she’s not a wrestler. Then Peta calls for help. It’s not forthcoming. Daisy hits the ‘Daisy Cutter Power Bomb’ for the quick win.After the match, Daisy handcuffs Peta to the ring post and prepares to return the favor. The rest of the Green World Order immediately run out and take the cane away. Peta is uncuffed. GreenPete holds Daisy and Peta slaps her face. Daisy is again handcuffed to the ring post and this brings out Ron Paul and his New Libertarian Army.

———————

MATCH #1-
PETA from PETA of the Green World Order w/ ‘Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee, GreenPete, and PeaceNick (Progressive Alliance)
VS.
DAISY CUTTER-BOMB of Ron Paul’s New Libertarian Army w/ A. Tom Bomb, Hy Drogen Bomb, and Newt Tron Bomb (American Patriots)

Peta doesn’t want to come out of the corner. The second the bell rings, Daisy charges across the ring. Peta quickly ducks out of the ring and hides behind Lee and GreenPete. The ref starts to count and PeaceNick jumps on the ring apron and complains. The ref reaches eight and Peta reluctantly gets back into the ring. PeaceNick tries to broker a peaceful resolution of Peta and Daisy’s dispute which quickly goes nowhere. Peta runs around the ring. She trips in the corner and Daisy traps her. Peta begs for mercy. Daisy isn’t feeling merciful. She pulls Peta up by her hair and hits a suplex. Daisy quick puts Peta in the tree of woe and N-Bomb throws her a chair to put in front of her face. Baseball slide by Daisy into the chair. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Peta topples off the turnbuckle. GreenPete jumps on the apron and starts jawing w/Daisy. For good measure, Daisy gives Peta her patented ‘Daisy Cutter Power Bomb.’ Suave: “Daisy goes for the cover. One. Two. GREENPETE AND BROCK COLE LEE PULL THE REF AWAY!” The ref gets in GreenPete’s grill. A-Bomb and H-Bomb attack Brock Cole Lee and GreenPete in the ring and in the process wipe out the referee as well. All hell breaks loose.

A-Bomb heaves the Vegan over the top rope. Then he throws Lee over the barricade and they take the fight into the stands. Peta low-blows H-Bomb from behind and GreenPete takes advantage by waffling him with a chair. GreenPete beats down H-Bomb. N-Bomb tries to help but Peta low-blows him as well. Daisy gets her hands on Peta again and whips her into the ropes. Big boot by Daisy levels Peta. Daisy covers again- no referee. GreenPete yells at PeaceNick to set up a table. PeaceNick refuses because it’s too violent. GreenPete throws H-Bomb out of the ring onto the floor. Daisy then jumps on GreenPete’s back and slaps a sleeper hold on him. GreenPete stumbles back into the corner and squashes Daisy into the turnbuckle. PeaceNick then sticks a chloroform covered cloth in her face and knocks her out. GreenPete drags Peta on top of Daisy but there’s still no referee. N-Bomb tries to intervene again but GreenPete hits a running atomic drop and then puts him in the cross-face chicken wing.

In the stands, A-Bomb and Brock Cole Lee battle in the loft. They trade blows. A-Bomb gets the advantage and then hits a running shoulder block on Lee and flings both men over the edge of the loft twenty feet down into a bunch of boxes by the kitchen. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Both A-Bomb and Lee lie in the middle of the boxes and paramedics immediately rush to assist. In the ring, PeaceNick revives the referee. Suave: “Daisy is still out cold! One…two…THREE!”

WINNER: Peta from PETA

After the match, H-Bomb explodes. He pulls PeaceNick off the ring apron and slams him to the floor. Then he lifts him up and Hydrogen Power Bomb him through the bell table. GreenPete hops out of the ring. H-Bomb grabs the ring bell and smacks GreenPete flush in the kisser with it. Suave: “HE’S SNAPPED! H-BOMB HAS JUST GONE OFF!…….oh, crap, I’m getting out of here!” H-Bomb lifts GreenPete and Hydrogen Power Bombs him through Suave’s announcer table.

Suave: Security is trying to get H-Bomb away so the paramedics can look at GreenPete and PeaceNick, too. Lee and GreenPete are supposed to meet the Drunken Luchadors tonight for the PCW Tag Team titles, but I don’t know if they’ll be in any shape after what happened.

The paramedics stretcher A-Bomb, GreenPete, Brock Cole Lee, and PeaceNick out of the barn.

Suave: All right, our next match is an extreme grudge death match. No introduction necessary for these two because everyone knows they both don’t care for the other. Let’s go to the ring…

————–

MATCH #2-
MSNBC’s KEITH OLBERMANN (Progressive Alliance)
VS.
Fox News’s BILL O’REILLY (American Patriots)

At the bell, Olbermann immediately rushs across the ring and starts brawling with O’Reilly. Olbermann lands a stiff shot. O’Reilly responded with one of his own. Back and forth around the ring, both men flail away at each other before Olbermann kicks O’Reilly in the stomach and then tosses him over the top rope out of the ring. Olbermann follows and they began brawling outside the ring. O’Reilly grabs a steel folding chair and swings at Olbermann. He ducks in time and the chair clanks off the ring post. Suave: “Wow! The chair bent halfway around the ring post!” Olbermann kicks the Fox News commentator and then sets him up for a suplex on the floor. Suave: “Can he get him up?…YES! Olbermann goes for the early cover…NO! Two count.” Olbermann picks up the bent chair and waffles O’Reilly over the head sending him sprawling back down. He grabs a microphone cord lying on the ground and wraps it around O’Reilly’s neck. Olbermann releases the cord and his opponent flops face first down to the floor.

Out of the blue, O’Reilly connects with a mule kick to the groin. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! Olbermann fell and hit his head on the steel barricade.” Chair shot by O’Reilly. He drags Olbermann to the edge of the stage and someone hands him a political placard. O’Reilly wound up and pasted Olbermann over the head with the placard. Then someone hands him a political sign on a wooden stick. The Fox News star snaps it half over his opponent’s head. Adding insult to injury, O’Reilly takes the jagged edge of the broken stick and rakes it across Olbermann’s forehead. Suave: “HOLY CRAP. Olbermann’s busted wide open!” Crowd: “PCW…PCW!” Suave: “CHEESE GRATER! OLBERMANN JUST RAKED O’REILLY ACROSS THE FOREHEAD WITH A CHEESE GRATER!” A pizza pan just happened to land on stage near O’Reilly. He grabs the pan and bends it in half over Olbermann’s head. Olbermann finds a CD case someone threw on stage and smashes it in O’Really’s face, opening up several small nicks and cuts. Then, O’Really takes a Leonard Cohen record from a man and breaks it over Olbermann’s head. Suave: “WHAT ACTION! THESE TWO SIMPLY DON’T LIKE EACH OTHER AND……HOLY CRAP! HERE COMES LOU DOBBS!”

CNN’s Lou Dobbs runs in with his new book, Independents Day, and starts pasting both men with it. Suave: “DOBBS IS USING HIS OWN BOOK TO TAKE OUT BOTH OLBERMANN AND O’REILLY!” Already physically sapped from destroying each other, Dobbs’s sneak attack leaves both men lying in their own blood on the floor. The referee counts Olbermann and O’Reilly out.

WINNER: Double count out

Mike Huckabee cuts a quick promo about Mike the Mechanic. Huckabee says a lot of people have asked him why he supports Mike the Mechanic. Huckabee explains that he understands that many people have lost their jobs due to the economy. The way that Mike the Mechanic lost his job when Big Oil and Texas Tex bought out Mike the Mechanic’s shop, fired him, and made Mike’s secretary Sheila go to work for them. Huckabee: “I’d rather be the one who works with a Mike the Mechanic than the one who fired him.”

Texas Tex wheels a wheelbarrow full of cash to the ring, followed by Big Oil and Mitt Romney.

Suave: Yeah, these two have had bad blood ever since Texas Tex bought out Mike the Mechanic’s shop. Now, this feud adds Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee and Chuck Norris to the equation. It all started when Norris helped Mike the Mechanic win the big five way free for all in Iowa at PCW ‘Drama in Des Moines.’ Then Texas Tex had the establishment bar Norris from interfering in any sort when PCW went to New Hampshire for ‘Mayhem at Manchester.’ Norris didn’t interfere but Mike the Mechanic busted out some exquisite martial arts stuff and Texas Tex had the referee disqualify him anyways. Last week at PCW Michigan Madness, Texas Tex used his money belt to whip Mike the Mechanic as he tried to get back into the ring. Norris sidekicked Tex and then used his money belt in whip him. Mike the Mechanic was DQ’d again.

George W’s spokeperson, Josh Bolten, comes out to the ring.

Josh Bolten: PCW CEO George W sent me out tonight to make this announcement. George W recognizes that there’s a hotly contested battle right now to determine the next American Patriot nominee for PCW CEO. In the interest of fairness and considering the events that took place at Mayhem at Manchester and Michigan Madness, George W has decreed that tonight’s grudge match between Big Oil and Mike the Mechanic will settle this issue once and for all. George W also has made this a no disqualification match and falls count anywhere in the building.

The crowd stands and cheers. Texas Tex is shocked.

Suave: There you have it! Tonight settles all bets. No DQ. Falls count anywhere.

———————–

MATCH #3-
BIG OIL w/ Texas Tex and Mitt Romney (American Patriots)
VS.
MIKE THE MECHANIC w/Sheila the secretary, Mike Huckabee, and Chuck Norris

Big Oil comes out with clubbing right hands and tries to pound the mechanic through the ring floor. Mike sweeps the leg and then breaks out a barrage of martial arts moves learned from Chuck Norris, who nods approvingly. Texas Tex yells at the referee. Suave: “NO DQ TONIGHT, TEX!” Texas Tex glares back at Johnny Suave. So the tone of the match is set- Big Oil’s power moves vs. Mike the Mechanic’s quickness and newfound martial arts prowness. Huge lariat by Big Oil and then he dives from the top turnbuckle and splashes the mechanic. Irish whip by Big Oil and followed with the big boot to the mush. Mike the Mechanic ducks the second Irish whip and slides between Big Oil’s legs. Then he kicks the ever-living crap out of Big Oil’s knee. Big Oil to his knees; Mike the Mechanic hits a spinning heel kick that snaps Big Oil’s face to one side. Cover for two, the pinfall broken up when Texas Tex hits the ring with his money belt. Mike the Mechanic judo chops the hell out of Texas Tex and drives him to the corner. He takes the money belt away and wants to use it on Tex when Big Oil crawls over and low-blows him from behind. Mitt Romney climbs up on the turnbuckle and clotheslines the mechanic from the top.

Huckabee jumps in and shoves Romney. Sheila races over and clubs Texas Tex with her purse. Big Oil pushes Sheila out of the way and grabs Mike the Mechanic by the throat. He chokeslams him and goes for the cover. This time, Huckabee kicks at Big Oil at breaks the count. Furious, Big Oil backs Huckabee into a corner and then gets his head taken off by a jumping kick by Chuck Norris. Texas Tex screams at the referee. Suave: “TEX! IT’S NO DQ!” Again, Texas Tex scowls at Suave. Romney grabs the money belt and leaps on Norris’s back to try and choke him out. Bad idea. Norris flips Romney over his head and he lands hard on his back. Huckabee then drags Romney out of the ring. In the meantime, Sheila pushes Mike the Mechanic over to where Big Oil lies. Referee covers. One…two… Texas Tex swoops in and pulls the referee off. Sheila picks up the money belt and swings it, catching Tex flush in the face. Mike the Mechanic covers again. One…two…three.

WINNER: Mike the Mechanic w/Sheila the secretary, Mike Huckabee, and Chuck Norris

There’s a celebration in the ring. Texas Tex grabs his money belt and rolls out of the ring. Suave: “A HUGE WIN FOR ‘EVERYMAN’ MIKE THE MECHANIC! HE- OWWW!” Texas Tex attacks Johnny Suave with the belt and busts him open. Tex pulls Suave off his chair and continues to assault him. Big Oil picks Suave up and power bombs him through the announcer’s table. Security comes down and finally drags Tex and Big Oil to the back. PCW owner Bubba Jackson comes down and helps Suave to the back. Former plant worker Earl Fletcher then comes down and takes over the broadcast play by play.

BACKSTAGE
Chuck Norris reaches the backstage area where he runs into John McCain. McCain offers his hand and they shake.

John McCain: Congratulations, Chuck.

Chuck Norris: Thank you.

McCain: That’s a great win. I hope we’re as lucky to prevail tonight.

Norris: Best of luck, Senator McCain. I…well…I just don’t see you guys getting over tonight.

McCain: Oh? Why’s that?

Norris: Well. No offense, Senator. But…you’re too old to have the same impact in the match that Mike Huckabee did in helping Mike the Mechanic win tonight.

McCain: Oh. I see.

Norris: Well. Good luck anyways.

Earl Fletcher: Hey y’all. Interesting conversation, there. Y’all ever drive down the road and pretended you had a laser mounted to the front that shot birds out of the air as they flew by? No? Oh. Well, here’s the next match…

—————

MATCH #4-
TRIPLE R w/Arianna Huffington (Progressive Alliance)
VS.
‘No Frills’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO (Independent)
Fletcher: “It says here this, here, is Chris Escondido’s first pay per view match in over a year.” Triple R barges to the ring, knocking people out of his way. Inside the ring, both Triple R and Escondido stand nose to nose and jaw back and forth. Triple R shoves Escondido and we’re off again. A quick lock up, Triple R pushes to the corner and the ref calls for a break as Escondido grabs the ropes. Escondido scores a takedown and follows with some work on the mat. Triple R gets pissed off and escapes to the floor. Back in, Triple R spits on Escondido who responds with an arm drag. Escondido works the arm and Triple R whirls around to break the hold. Fletcher: “My notes say, Triple R is doing well not to lose his temper so far. It seems like when he loses his cool, his ‘dark side’ comes out. Speaking of ‘dark side,’ ever walked into a store and pretended you were Darth Vader using the force to open up the automatic door? No? Oh. Never mind.”

Side headlock by Escondido, shoulder run from the ropes and Triple R evades him. Escondido still seems a little rusty from the long layoff. Headlock takedown by Escondido and Triple R starts to get frustrated. Triple R strong back to his feet and then eats a head scissors. Escondido slaps on the figure four leg lock and Arianna immediately jumps on the ring apron calls for reinforcements. Triple R tries to escape, Escondido has it cinched in good. To the ring comes the Angry Left Wing Bloggers- Media Matters for America, Daily Kos, Eric Alterman, and NY Times columnist Paul Krugman. Knee strike by Media Matters undoes the figure 4. Chops by Daily Kos. Escondido is whipped off the ropes and into a dropkick by Alterman. Krugman adds another dropkick and then Media Matters comes off of the top turnbuckle with a double ax smash.

Politically Incorrect, Al Cahall and Nic Koteen, run out to try and even the odds. Koteen rakes Krugman’s back and hits a reverse neckbreaker. But Media Matters chops Koteen from behind. Al Cahall hits the slingshot senton on Daily Kos but eats an elbow drop from Alterman. Triple R kicks away at Escondido’s surgically repaired knee. Fletcher: “It says here that Escondido’s knee isn’t in the greatest of shape. Triple R could possibly put him out for good if he continues what he’s doing.” The crowd rises and roars when the PCW Tag Team champions Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don Martini, both wielding their bottles of Jack Daniels, run…scratch that…stagger out to help. Dan Martini somehow manages to get into the ring and bumps into Triple R. Triple R then pushes down the Drunken Luchador. Daily Kos swings at Don Martini. Don stumbles enough that Kos misses him completely and clocks Eric Alterman by mistake. Kos apologizes and then Don smashes his Jack Daniels bottle over Kos’s head. Kos over and out. Triple R tries to put Dan Martini in the figure four but Dan takes a huge swig of his bottle of Jack Daniels and spews it in Triple R’s eyes. Fletcher: “You know, it’s a damn shame to waste a perfectly good liquor like that.”

Escondido manages to pull himself to his feet. He pulls Triple R back and slaps a sleeper hold on him. Arianna Huffington jumps in the ring and blows powder into Escondido’s eyes. Triple R pivots and decks Escondido and reapplies the figure four. Blinded, Escondido has no choice but to tap out. The referee calls for the bell.

WINNER: Triple R

Triple R refuses to release the hold. Drunken Luchador Dan wanders over and tries to smash his Jack Daniels bottle over Triple R’s head. Media Matters blasts Dan Martini from behind and the bottle doinks off Triple R’s head. Triple R then releases the hold on Escondido and goes after Dan Martini. Arianna throws in a chair and Triple R swings away at the Drunken Luchador. Don Martini is passed out in the corner and Krugman pulls him out of the ring. The rest of the Angry Left Wing Bloggers assault Dan Martini in the ring. Escondido somehow pulls himself up again and takes the chair away from Triple R. Escondido whacks Triple R with the chair and sends him reeling across the ring. Escondido limps over and takes out Media Matters, Alterman, and then Daily Kos. Triple R, blinded with rage, runs for Escondido. Escondido swings the chair like a baseball bat and nearly takes Triple R’s head off with the chair. Luckily, Triple R ducks in time. Then the very busy PCW security again comes to the ring to clean up the aftermath of the brawl.

—————-

PCW owner Bubba Jackson comes to the ring.

Bubba Jackson: Well? It looks like the PCW Tag Team match tonight isn’t going to happen. It looks like due to events that has taken place here tonight, neither the Green World Order or the Drunken Luchadors are able to wrestle tonight. So in their place, we have a treat for you.

Johnny Suave’s voice: HOLY CRAP!

The PCW crowd gave a standing ovation to Suave, bandaged up from Texas Tex’s assault, as he returns to the broadcast position.

Suave: It’s an old school PCW showdown.

The Dixie Chucks- Chuck-atalie, Chuck-artie, and Chuck-mily come out.

Suave: And this match takes place in Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction, too.

Chuck-artie points to the audience: I’m putting each and every one of you here in PCW on notice. Anyone, I repeat, ANYONE who says anything bad about the Dixie Chicks from now on will answer to us.

Chuck-atalie : That’s right. From this point forward if you say something bad about the Dixie Chicks, the Dixie Chucks are gonna KICK YOUR-

The opening riffs of the Toby Keith hit “How Do You Like Me Now?” cut off the rest of his remarks. The crowd roarsas Earl Locke and Gary Loade, aka ‘The Raving Rednecks’ Locke and Loade, appear on the side of the stage. Both men wear matching blue and gray vests with ‘Raving Rednecks’ on the back and red bandanas on their heads. Locke held up high a huge picture of country star Toby Keith and taunts the Dixie Chucks by waving it in their face.

Gary Locke: WHO’S YOUR DADDY? HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?

Earl Loade: That’s right! The BIG DOGS are here! Y’all know what it’s time for?

Crowd: “LOCK AND LOAD!

Loade: That’s right! It’s time to lock and load baby, lock and load!

—————

MATCH #5-
The Dixie Chucks- CHUCK-ATALIE and CHUCK-ARTIE w/Chuck-mily (Progressive Alliance)
VS.
“The Raving Rednecks” LOCKE and LOADE (American Patriots)

The Dixie Chucks immediately raced across and attacked Locke and Loade. Locke and Chuck-artie exchange heavy blows on one side and Chuck-atalie and Chuck-mily cleans Loade’s clock on the other side. The match quickly degenerates into an all out free-for-all with no structure whatsoever. Five people beating the living crap out of each other. Locke and Loade appear to have the momentum on their side after they unceremoniously dump Chuck-atalie out of the ring. Chuck-mily then falls prey to some good double team work by Locke and Loade and he, too, found himself outside the ring. With two members of the Dixie Chucks out of the way, Locke and Loade lined up Chuck-artie for their patented finishing move- “The Redneck 4-D Death Blast.” Suave: “They’ve got him set up.”

*YEEEEE-AAHHHHH!* Suave: “IT’S THE AMERICAN SCREAMER, HOWARD DEAN!” Caught totally off guard by Dean’s sudden appearance, Locke and Loade nearly drop Chuck-artie on his head. Loade stomps over and shouts at Dean, “YOU DON’T BELONG OUT HERE!” Locke jumps over the top rope and proceeds to chase the “American Screamer” around the ring. Dean plays keep away long enough for one of the Dixie Chucks on the outside to get in position to attack the Raving Redneck. Locke walks right into a Chuck-mily clothesline and falls on his back with a splat. Chuck-atalie leaps from the top of the turnbuckle and body splashes Locke on the floor outside the ring. Deane then turns his attention to Loade. Dean: “YEEEEE-AAHHHHH!” Dean provokes the Raving Redneck to the point where Loade swipes back at him but gets restrained by the ring ropes. Unfortunately for Loade, his intense focus on Deane meant that he totally forgot about Chuck-atalie. The Dixie Chuck sneaks back into the ring unnoticed and to make matters worse for the Raving Redneck, Chuck-atalie swipes the Toby Keith picture from Locke and Loade’s corner. The crowd, sensing that Loade had no clue what was going on behind him, stood up as Chuck-atalie raises the picture up in the air with two hands and slides in behind the distracted Raving Redneck. He smiles, pauses for dramatic effect, and then blastes Loade over the head with the picture. “HOLY @#$#!” the audience roared as Loade’s head went right through the picture. He stayed on his feet for a couple seconds and then collapsed in the middle of the ring. Chuck-atalie quickly covered and the referee counted out for the pin for the Dixie Chucks.

WINNER: The Dixie Chucks

———–

Suave: Now, let’s get down to business. Over the past couple weeks, the Hillary-Obama feud has escalated into a full blown war. It all started at PCW Christmas Extravaganza…

REPLAY- KATHRYN RANDALL COLLINS (KRC) w/ Hillary Clinton and the Clinton Political Pitbulls- James Carville, Terry McAuliffe VS. PCW EXTREME PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL TESSA MARTIN w/John Edwards VS. OPAL WINFREE w/Barack Obama and Opal’s Flock- Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy
Soccer Mom catches KRC with a back suplex from the apron to the floor and Opal covers for 2. Streisand kicks Opal and they fight to the ramp. The referee follows and this time allows Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy to get a few cheap shots in on Collins. Carville and McAuliffe get involved. Barack grabs a chair and takes out the political pitbulls. Opal hits the spinning heel kick on Streisand and doubles back to cover KRC for 2. Collins blocks the brainbuster and hits an atomic drop on the ramp for 2. Hillary waves for help and out comes Sidney Blumenthal holding a ladder but Barack hits him with a superkick. The distraction allows Opal to DDT KRC on the floor. Ref counts. Match over.

Suave: …then at Iowa- Drama in Des Moines…

REPLAY- REMATCH AT PCW DRAMA IN DES MOINES
Barack and Edwards get the upper hand on the Pitbulls and then out of the blue, to everyone’s shock, Bill Clinton runs out. Clinton and McAuliffe double team Edwards near a corner turnbuckle. KRC, after beating down the PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl, Tessa Martin, climbs up on the turnbuckle and prepares to jump and put Opal through a table outside the ring. Clinton throws himself against the ropes and slingshots himself across the ring to send Edwards out. Joe Biden, Christopher Dodd, and Bill Richardson race to the ring and pull Edwards out of the way. Clinton hits the turnbuckle and causes KRC to lose her balance and crotch herself on the ropes. She falls backwards with her legs draped over the top tying herself in the tree of woe. Biden, Dodd, and Richardson attack all three Political Pitbulls. Tessa Martin grabs a steel-folding chair and skateboards it into KRC’s face in the corner. KRC topples over and the Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl eliminates her.

Both Bill and Hillary are in shock. Biden, Dodd, and Richardson brawl with Political Pitbulls Carville, McAuliffe, and Blumenthal back up the ramp. Soccer Mom gets back in the ring and shouts ‘It’s for the children’ as she takes a chair and nails Tessa Martin with it. Opal revives and wins the match.

 

Suave: …and then in New Hampshire- Mayhem at Manchester. This took place…

REPLAY- PCW WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH AT MAYHEM AT MANCHESTER
The ref takes a bump when Opal accidentally squashes him in the corner. Hillary slips Collins something. KRC turns and hits Opal with a chain. KRC covers. No referee. Hillary goes to the back to find someone. Next, KRC pulls out a metal object and belts Opal with it. She’s out. No referee. Carville and McAuliffe have Opal’s Flock under control. Barack can’t get by Blumenthal. Hillary drags another referee out. KRC covers. One. Two. Three. And we have a new PCW Women’s champion.


All Barack can do is look on in shock as KRC, Hillary, and her Political Pitbulls celebrate.

Suave: Obama came out at Michigan Madness and admitted he’d been outfoxed by Hillary Clinton. Obama promised to bring his campaign of hope to tonight’s PCW Weapons of Mass Political Destruction. Now, can Obama help ‘Media Empress’ Opal Winfree regain the title tonight?

——————–

MATCH #6- PCW WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH:
Champion KATHRYN RANDALL COLLINS (KRC) w/Hillary Clinton (HRC) and the Clinton Political Pitbulls, James Carville and Terry McAuliffe (Progressive Alliance)
VS.
Former champion “Media Empress” OPAL WINFREE w/Opal’s Flock- Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy, and Barack Obama (Progressive Alliance)
Collins and Winfree lock up. Collins switches and gets behind Winfree. Takedown by KRC. Winfree powers out and there’s a stand off. Modified surfboard by KRC and a quick two count. Winfree chops at Collins and backs her up. KRC climbs the rope and hits a DDT. KRC covers for two. Suave: “KRC seems to be gaining more and more confidence!” KRC goes on top again for a top rope Frankensteiner. This time, Soccer Mom, yelling “WE MUST DO IT FOR THE CHILDREN!” pushes KRC from behind and sends her toppling down. Winfree executes two consecutive powerbombs. Then she climbs to the top rope for a splash and Carville runs in and hits her with a steel-folding chair. Clinton slid in a table and Carville and McAuliffe set it up. KRC picks Opal up by the hair and flings her face down onto the table. Then KRC again climbs the top rope, this time protected by Carville and McAuliffe. Soccer Mom runs in and pushes Opal off the table. Unfortunately, KRC crushes Soccer Mom through the table instead.

Crowd: “PCW…PCW…PCW!” New Age Sensitive Guy is, of course, distraught and checks on Soccer Mom. KRC pulls up Opal but the Media Empress dumps her back over her head. Carville then clotheslines Opal and then turns and collars New Age Sensitive Guy. Carville’s too close to the ring ropes and Barack Obama grabs his feet and takes his legs out from under him. Obama drags him from the ring. McAuliffe runs around the ring and leaps at Barack. Obama moves and McAuliffe catches Carville and sends them both crashing into the barricade. Back in the ring, suplex by KRC followed by a flatliner. KRC hits a tilt a whirl back breaker. Suave: “Opal’s in trouble.” Springboard kick by KRC and then she sets up for her finisher- the PPD (Personal Political Destruction). KRC gets Opal up and hits the twisting suplex maneuver and goes for the cover. Hillary bangs her hand on the ring canvas. One…two…three… Suave: “What’s going on? It appears the referee is having a talk with Barack Obama and missed the count!” Hillary is furious and bangs even harder on the ring. KRC goes over and shoves the referee from behind. And then Bill Clinton hops into the ring and lights into the referee. Opal crawls over and rolls KRC up from behind. Obama shouts at the ref. The ref turns and sees the roll-up. One…two…three.

WINNER AND NEW PCW WOMEN’S CHAMPION: ‘MEDIA EMPRESS’ OPAL WINFREE

———-

Hillary and Bill Clinton are in shock.

Suave: “I DON’T BELIEVE IT! BARACK BEAT THE CLINTON’S AT THEIR OWN GAME AND OPAL REGAINS THE PCW WOMEN’S TITLE! HOLY CRAP!”

Bill Clinton stomps by Suave’s table.

Clinton: What just happened there?

Suave: Excuse me?

Clinton: You guys are carrying Obama’s water for him. You can’t have it both ways! You point out our transgressions but you won’t do the same for Obama! You’re giving him an easier ride!

Clinton then flips over Suave’s announcer’s table and stomps off.

Suave: So, how many tables is that tonight? Three? I don’t know. And speaking of angry, here comes Rush Limbaugh and Tom DeLay. I wonder what the hell they want?

Limbaugh and DeLay enter the ring and get booed.

Rush Limbaugh: I’m here to underscore again the danger of John McCain and Mike Huckabee, If either of these two become the nominee for PCW CEO, it’s going to destroy the American Patriots. It’ll change…and not for our benefit…er…I mean, for the worst.

More boos.

Tom DeLay: McCain has done more to hurt the American Patriots than anyone else I know of. He’s not a true conservative! People can’t support him.

*Def Leppard’s ‘Rock, Rock til You Drop’ blares over the loudspeaker*

Suave: YES! It’s the EXTREME EQUALIZER- WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT! We all remember what happened last week…

REPLAY OF TOM DeLAY-WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT FROM PCW MICHIGAN MADNESS
WTF grabs DeLay by the throat the chokeslams him to the canvas.
Suave: HOLY CRAP!
Crowd: PCW…PCW!
Then WTF lifts DeLay up and climbs the corner turnbuckle. The crowd noise increases when WTF reaches the top and puts DeLay in the power bomb position. Then he launches himself and blasts DeLay through all three tables.

DeLay and Limbaugh immediately high tail it from the ring and escape through the crowd.

Suave: Smart move.

—————-

MATCH #7- PCW WORLD TITLE MATCH:
Champion “Not just intolerable. Not just unbearable. He is…” JUSTIN SUFFERABLE (Progressive Alliance)
VS.
Former ‘Rookie Sensation’ STARZ N. STRIPES w/ ‘Straight Shootin’ John McCain (American Patriots)

Suave: “Here’s our main event. Is it Starz N. Stripes time? Or will Justin Sufferable hang on to the title?” The bell rings and we’re off. Starz shoulderblocks Sufferable down and then paintbrushes the back of his head. Sufferable reverses with a running elbow followed by pair of back breakers. Sufferable goes for a Spicolli driver but Starz backdrops him instead. Quick chain mat wrestling sequence follows and the crowd expressed their appreciation. Both Sufferable and Starz nod at each other. Lock up. Power by Starz drives Sufferable back against the ropes. Irish whip all the way across the ring by Starz. Sufferable evades the lariat and counters with an atomic drop. Quick roll up from behind gets Sufferable a one count. Sufferable hits a Half-Nelson backbreaker. Sufferable than whips out a Splash Mountain neckbreaker and covers again. Two count. Sufferable sets for a suplex but Starz surprises him with a jawbreaker lariat. Sufferable tries a sunset flip but Starz sits on him and gets out of it. The ref slips on something in one corner but keeps his feet.

Suave: “Good action so far!” The crowd agrees and chants, “PCW…PCW!” Both men circle each other warily. Lock up. Armdrag by Starz, reversed into an arm bar by Sufferable. Springboard Ace crusher by Sufferable and again gets a two count. Starz gets a surprise roll up and he gets a two count. Sufferable kicks out and springs back to his feet. Body slam by Starz. Elbow drop misses when Sufferable rolls away. Leg scissors by Sufferable but his attempt to modify it into a figure four meets with a swift kick to the mush by Starz. Starz lines up Sufferable in the corner, climbs up on the turnbuckle, and hits the 10 punch sequence. Sufferable slumps down to a sitting position. Starz retreats to the opposite corner and then goes for the big splash. Sufferable moves at the last possible moment and Starz crotches himself on the ringpost. Sufferable takes control with power slams. Bulldog in the middle of the ring and Starz looks ready to go. Sufferable lifts him up for a brainbuster. Drifting back into a corner, Sufferable suddenly loses his footing and Starz falls hard to the canvas. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! THAT WAS A BAD FALL FOR STARZ N. STRIPES! BUT…SUFFERABLE’S HURT. IT’S HIS KNEE…HIS SURGICALLY REPAIRED KNEE.”

The referee signals to the back. Sufferable grabs his knee and rolls back and forth in excruciating pain. Starz is groggy. He finally pulls himself up to a sitting position and realizes how much trouble Sufferable is in. Suave: “Does he go for the pin?” Starz tells the ref the match is over. The ref calls for the bell.

WINNER: STARZ N. STRIPES because Justin Sufferable can’t go on. The title remains with Sufferable.

Starz checks on Sufferable. Triple R suddenly hits the ring with a chair. Chairshot to Starz. Chairshot to the referee. Chairshot to Sufferable’s injured knee. Suave: “TRIPLE R IS TRYING TO END JUSTIN SUFFERABLE’S CAREER!” A second chairshot to the knee. Starz tries to get back and eats another chairshot. Triple R winds up again. This time, a second pair of hands stops him from delivering another chairshot to Sufferable. Suave: “IT’S JOHN McCAIN! McCAIN’S WRESTLING TRIPLE R FOR THE CHAIR!” McCain wrests the chair away and then blasts Triple R with a chairshot to the face. Triple R stumbles backwards through the ring ropes and out to the floor. Paramedics reach the ring and attend to Justin Sufferable.

Suave: “So, who said that McCain was too old? The champion may be seriously injured again. This will definitely have ramifications for the PCW Title in the next few days. The PCW Roadshow Across America tour starts again next Tuesday in Florida at Tallahassee Tussle and we’ll know a lot more about the status of the PCW World champion Justin Sufferable by then.

 

Ron Paul Drops a Moneybomb, Cheney and Powell Argue Over Book: 8/29-PCW Extreme Political TV

PCW Extreme Political TV
East Kentucky Expo Center
Pikeville, Kentucky
Monday August 29th, 2011
Host: Johnny Suave

Suave welcomes everyone to PCW Extreme Political TV.   Tonight, there will be an announcement regarding the future of PCW Champion ‘The Japanese SuperDestroyer’ Yamamoto Tanaka (D).  Plus, after blowing up two women’s matches Thursday night on PCW Politics Is War, where will Valora’s Path of Rage strike next?

The big match on the docket:
-Democrats have a grudge match between ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism and Triple R.  Last week on PCW Politics Is War show, Triple R eliminated Chism during a three way dance Waiver match by dropping him onto barbed wire.   Then later on…

…Bahama comes back with a Springboard elbow.  Triple R gets tied to the TREE OF WOE!!!   Bahama dropkicks a chair into Triple R’s face.  Triple R is busted open now.   Bahama then beats his ass while Triple R screams for help from Stone Chism.  Bahama applies the Bahama Backbreaker.   Here comes Chism with a steel chair.   He goes after Bahama…NO.  CHISM KILLS TRIPLE R with the chair shot!  Bahama covers…1…2…3…

MATCH #1
‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (D) w/The Skanky Rich Bimbos: Kim, Courtney, and Chloe vs. Triple R (D)

Chism is the darling of the Hollywood Left.  Triple R the darling of the Angry Left Wing Bloggers.

…Chism misses a dive to the floor.  Knee gets banged up in the process.  Suave notes that Triple R baited him into hurting himself.  Chism continues to fight.   A rope walk rana is blocked.  Frogsplash should finish Triple R but someone runs out and pulls Chism off.  IT’s the Angry Left Wing Bloggers: Markos Moutilsas of the Daily Kos, Arianna Huffington, Firedog Lake’s Jane Hamsher, and Eric Boehlert from Media Matters for America.

The Hollywood Left respond by running to the ring to break it up.   In the midst of the chaos, Chism slaps a figure four on Triple R.  Kim Cardis-Sheehan grabs Chism’s hands for extra leverage and Triple R is forced to tap out @ 6:36.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

When PCW returns, the Skanky Rich Bimbos are lying unconscious in the ring with Chism.  Triple R lies on the floor outside the ring.  Who’s in the ring…


Valora Salinas (I)

Suave: “HOLY CRAP!”

Valora and her lead pipe stand over the fallen Cardis-Sheehans.  Valora’s “Path of Rage” continues and she departs.

Suddenly, Big Oil‘s music hits.  He comes out to the entrance ramp and says that he wants to make it perfectly clear that it’s not his fault that gas prices haven’t dropped.  But rather, the fault lies with the American People for continuing to use gas like it will never go away.  But tonight, Big Oil  mentions he and tag team partner are entitled to challenge the Republican’s #1 team for their spot.  He wants it to happen tonight.

The Leader of the PCW Competition Committee John Boehner (R-OH) walks out and says that the Schmidts told him that they would meet Big Oil and Walkstreit tonight.    Boehner tells Big Oil he is starting to become an embarrassment to everyone in the PCW and Texas itself.

Backstage
Former George W. Bush aide de camp Dick Cheney promotes his new book, In My Time.  While promoting the memoir, Cheney promised that there would be “heads exploding all over Washington” when the book hits the shelves tomorrow.

Cheney is confronted by Colin Powell who tells him that his head isn’t exploding and to knock off the cheap shots.   Powell: “You had a long and distinguished career, and I hope in this book that is what you will focus on, not these cheap shots that you’re taking at me and other members of the administration who served to the best of our ability for PCW CEO Bush.”

Cheney and Powell exchange words.   Cheney accuses him of not being forthcoming with his opinions to Bush.  Powell retorts “nonsense.” He states Bush knew that I told him what I thought about every issue of the day.  Cheney holds up a copy of the book as we go to a commercial…

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Republican Headquarters
With Rick Perry (R-TX) looking on, Texas Jack (R) officially signed on to be the Republicans #2 wrestler.  Jack says he’s looking forward to winning a play-in spot in next months Lock and Load Tournament.

Three of the four spots for the Lock and Load Tournament have been filled: PCW Champion Yamamoto Tanaka (D)- the Democrats #1 wrestler, ‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott (R)- the Republican’s #1, and now former PCW Champion O’Beck Bahama (D)- who won a Waiver into the match Thursday night.

Replay-ROUND ONE OF LOCK AND LOAD TOURNAMENT PLAY-IN: Daniel-San (I) w/Mrs. Miyagi vs. ‘The Self-Proclaimed Savior of the Middle Class’ Big Labor (D) vs. ‘Bureaucrat’ Andy Riley (D) vs. Kevin Collins of Paul Ryan’s Raiders (R)

…Daniel-San looks around and goes to the top.  Riley is looking away.  Daniel-San hits the five star frog splash! LABELL LOCK!  Blackwell has Big Labor locked up in the Tazzmission in the corner.  Riley taps…‘Bureaucrat’ Andy Riley eliminated

Daniel-San to the top of an adjacent corner.  Blackwell holds a chair on Big Labor’s face, VAN TERMINATOR!  Big Labor topples over.  Daniel-San quickly slaps on the Cattle Mutilation.  Big Labor taps…

Backstage
Angry at what took place earlier in the night, the Angry Left Wing Bloggers: Markos Moutilsas of the Daily Kos, Arianna Huffington, Firedog Lake’s Jane Hamsher, and Eric Boehlert from Media Matters for America kidnap Christine O’Donnell (R-DE), tie her to a stake, dump a pile of her new book, Troublemaker, at her feet, and set them ablaze.

Security personnel quickly rush to the scene and put the fire out.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Upcoming Shows:
8/29- PCW Extreme Political TV
9/8- PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN
9/12- PCW Extreme Political TV
9/15- PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN
9/19- PCW Extreme Political TV
9/22- PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN
9/25- PCW Lock and Load PPV

Tanaka Announcement
With PCW CEO Barack Obama (D-IL) by his side, PCW Champion Yamamoto Tanaka (D) announces backstage that he is indeed leaving PCW at the end of next month.  Tanaka is returning to Japan to wrestle there.

MAIN EVENT- NON-TITLE MATCH:
PCW Tag Team Champions The Schmidt Brothers: Jack and Joe (R) w/Ron Paul (R-TX) vs. Corporate Might: Big Oil (R) w/Texas Tex and Kirk Walstreit (R)
-winner becomes/remains the Republican’s #1 tag team
-loser becomes/remains the Republican’s #2 tag team

Both teams combined have won the PCW Tag Team Title five times.  Both teams beat each other from pillar to post in this match.

…Jack boots Walstreit down in the corner but then misses an elbow.  Big Oil drops Jack with a German suplex.  Joe tags in.  Joe suplexes Walstreit.  But Big Oil interferes again and splashes Joe in the corner.  All four in the ring now.  Jack delivers a bulldog to Big Oil.  Joe low blows Walstreit and makes the cover.  Texas Tex now in the ring and he breaks the pin with his golden money belt.

Jack DDT’s both Kirk Walstreit and Texas Tex simultaneously.  Joe tries to slap a sleeper hold on Big Oil but the big guy drops him.  Walstreit nails Jack with a Cyclone Kick.  Walstreit tries to make the pin on Joe but Ron Paul makes the save at two.  Big Oil spins Paul around but Jack low bridges him.  Big Oil throws Jack out of the ring and he and Walstreit  deliver the Corporate  Swing to Joe for two.  Joe fights out of the doubleteam and sends Walstreit into Big Oil.  Ron Paul on the top rope with a big cashbox…MONEYBOMB!  Walstreit is knocked out and Joe makes the cover…1…2…3…pin at 10:09.

Suave reminds everyone that PCW will be off the rest of the week and will return next Thursday night with PCW Politics Is War on P-SPAN.  Happy Labor Day everyone!

PCW Rewind: Interesting Past PCW Matches

No PCW Extreme Political TV tonight.   PCW goes back into the vaults and pulls out some old matches from the archives.  Enjoy.

From October 26th, 2006 PCW Extreme Political TV

Rush Limbaugh segment.
The crowd boos as the Alice in Chains hit “Man In the Box” blares over the loudspeaker. “Here comes the Innovator of Extreme Excellence in Broadcasting,” Suave says, “what is that? The I-E-E-I-B network?”

“Ox-y-con-tin!” they chant and clap.

“That’s right,” Limbaugh says, “it is I. El Rushbo. The maha-rushbie. With talent on loan from God!”

“Well you better give it back to him,” Suave cracks, “because you sure as hell ain’t using it.”

Limbaugh comes out to address the whole issue of Michael J. Fox. Rush asks
if everyone’s seen the commercial. He then mimics Fox’s restless torso weaves
and writhes, and head bobs from side to side on the commercial. “A**hole!” the
crowd chants in response. “He is exaggerating the effects of his disease,” Limbaugh claims, “He’s moving all around and shaking and it’s purely an act.”

More boos rain in. “This is low, even for the Innovator of Extreme Excellence in
Broadcasting,” Suave opines, he’s mocking someone with Parkinson’s Disease.”

“Michael J. Fox has never portrayed any of the symptoms of the disease like this. He can barely control himself,” Limbaugh says. He again makes fun of Fox’s ‘funky movement’ thing.

The crowd goes nuts when Michael J. Fox comes out. He’s not moving nearly as much as on the commercial. “It’s ironic, given some of the things that have been said, that my pills are working really well right now,” he says in response. Fox tells Limbaugh this isn’t about politics; it’s about stem cell research.

“You’re allowing your illness to be exploited by shilling for the Democrats,” Limbaugh responds.

Fox again tells him he’s not acting and he’s advocating stem cell research.

Limbaugh repeats his assertions that he’s being used by the Democrats.

Fox tells him he’s wrong and he’s being his usual bully self. The crowd cheers.

Limbaugh throws down the mic and dares Fox to come into the ring. “You want me, in the ring with you?” Fox asks. Limbaugh holds the rope down and dares him to come inside.

“Fine. You’re on,” Fox says, “we’ll meet later tonight.”

Limbaugh tells him to make sure he takes his meds before he comes back out. The crowd then chants ‘Oxycontin” again. “Shut up!” Limbaugh snaps…

———————

Match #3- Rush Limbaugh (American Patriots) vs. Michael J.
Fox
Limbaugh comes out first to the ring. The crowd lets him have it big time. Loud boos and the ever-present “Oxycontin” chant.

“Well, the Innovator of Extreme Excellence in Broadcasting is in the ring,” Suave says. “We’re waiting for Michael J. Fox to come out.” A few more seconds go by and nothing.

Limbaugh grabs the mic. “Of course, he’s not coming out,” he says. “he’s just
pretending to be-” The crowd interrupts Limbaugh with a huge cheer. “What?”

Suave says, trying to see the action, “HOLY CRAP! IT’S THE PCW CHAMPION CHRIS ESCONDIDO!” Limbaugh’s cocky, haughty demeanor melts away when the PCW Champion comes to the ring. He quickly looks for a way out. “LIMBAUGH HAS NO WHERE TO RUN,” Suave says, “AND NO WHERE TO HIDE!”

Escondido takes the mic. “You know, Rush,” he says, “you talk a good game when it’s someone who probably isn’t in good enough condition to defend himself.” Escondido calls Limbaugh a bully and tells him to take his best shot. Rush gets cornered and tries to beg off. Escondido doesn’t buy it and lifts him up to give him a suplex. The crowd goes nuts. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave shouts out, “HE’S GOING TO DO IT! HE’S GOING TO-”

Out of nowhere, Justin Sufferable’s catch phrase “Not just intolerable. Not just
unbearable. I am Justin Sufferable!” plays over the sound system. Sufferable
then runs in and whacks the champion in the back with a Singapore cane.
Escondido drops Limbaugh on his back hard and then staggers into the corner.

“Sufferable’s trying to get a head start on BCEW Extreme Election Night!” Suave
says as Justin whacks Escondido repeatedly with the Singapore cane. “He wants
the PCW title badly!” Again the crowd noises rises. “HOLY CRAP! IT’S A. TOM
BOMB!”

A. Tom Bomb (A-Bomb) hits the ring and power slams Sufferable. Then he power slams Chris Escondido. Then Sufferable again, this time bouncing him from the ring. A-Bomb looks to slam Escondido again but he slips under the ropes. A-Bomb looks down at Rush Limbaugh and grins. Limbaugh looks up at the hulking A-Bomb and gets a real bug-eyed, mouth open expression. He tries to leave but Hy Drogen Bomb blocks the way.

“Limbaugh’s stuck and he’s in a real bad place right now!” Suave observes. H-Bomb grabs a table from underneath and throws it in the ring. “HERE WE GO!” Suave says. H-Bomb climbs to the top rope. A-Bomb clubs Limbaugh and helps set him up. H-Bomb lifts up Limbaugh and powerbombs him through the table.

“HOLY CRAP!” Suave shouts.

From November 7, 2006- PCW Extreme Election Night 2006

MATCH #2- THREE WAY DANCE- JOE LIEBERMAN (Independent), NED LAMONT (Democrat), and ALAN SCHLESINGER (Republican)

“Yeah, I guess we’ll see just how ‘fair’ the night goes,” Suave cracks. Suave
starts into the next match. He recaps the first match up between Joe Lieberman
and Ned Lamont. The replay shows that Lieberman and Lamont have been through a war. As Lamont goes for a spear, Lieberman trips him up with a drop toe hold and locks on the abdominal stretch. The Bloggers then make a move to intervene. Behind Lieberman, Daily Kos slips in the ring wearing brass knuckles. Eric Alterman and Media Matters distracts Lieberman and Daily Kos nails him with the brass knucks. Media Matters rolls Lieberman over and points Lamont to make the cover.

“All right, the Left Wing Bloggers Daily Kos, Media Matters for America, and Eric Alterman were the difference the last time Lieberman and Lamont met up,” explained Suave. “This time, Alan Schlesinger may be the wild card of the group.”

The bell rings and immediately the Bloggers pile into the ring and attack Lieberman. Schlesinger joins in. “HOLY CRAP! IT’S FIVE AGAINST ONE!” Suave says as the referee is powerless to prevent the outside interference.

Lieberman is whipped into the ropes and Daily Kos and Media Matters set to double team him. Lieberman clotheslines the two bloggers but then gets blindsided by Eric Alterman.

The Bomb Brothers (A. Tom Bomb, Hy Drogen Bomb, and Newt Tron Bomb) run out. “HERE THEY COME!” Suave says as the crowd stands up and cheers, “THE ODDS HAVE JUST BEEN EVENED UP!”

A-Bomb power slams Eric Alterman. H-Bomb lifts Daily Kos in the air and tosses him over the top rope through a ringside table. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave says as Daily Kos is buried amongst the remains of the table.

“PCW!…PCW!” chants the crowd. A-Bomb corners Alan Schlesinger. Schlesinger desperately calls out to the Republicans in the back for help. As A-Bomb lifts him up and Newt Tron Bomb sets a table up in the ring, Schlesinger calls out for Dick, or The Mastermind Karl Rove, or even the Rookie Sensation Starz N. Stripes. No help arrives and A-Bomb Atomic Powerbombs Schlesinger through the table. Lieberman covers and Schlesinger is eliminated.

The crowd serenades Schlesinger with the ‘na, na. hey-hey-hey goodbye’ song.

H-Bomb decks Media Matters and then climbs out of the ring. He grabs Media Matters’s legs and crotches him on the ringpost. H-Bomb then rolls him out of the ring.

“IT’S DOWN TO LIEBERMAN AND LAMONT NOW!” Suave says. “Now we’ll find out just what Lamont is made of.”

Lamont appears unsure and turns around looking for help. He calls for The American Screamer Howard Dean, “The Natural” Barack Obama, or anyone else from the Democratic side to come help him.  Like Schlesinger, no help arrives. “I think its safe to say that the ‘Joe-mentum’ is on Lieberman’s side now,” Suave says. Suddenly, another left wing blogger, Arianna Huffington, shrieks down the aisle towards the ring to help Lamont and runs into the manager of the Bomb Brothers Daisy Cutter-Bomb. Daisy lays her out with a wicked clothesline. Lieberman stomps his foot three times and sets him up for his closer.

LIEBERMAN’S GOING FOR THE ‘JOE-STOPPER!” Suave says.

Lamont turns around just in time to catch a superkick right to his chin. “That’s a pretty good kick for an old guy,” Suave cracks. “I didn’t think he could get his leg that high.” Lamont drops as if he’s been shot. Lieberman covers and that’s the match.

WINNER: JOE LIEBERMAN (I)

Huffington throws a fit and stomps around at ringside as Joe holds up his hand in victory.

Also from PCW Extreme Election Night 2006:

MATCH #4- BCEW TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH- PEACENIK #1 & 2 of the Green World Order (Democrat) vs. DRUNKEN LUCHADORS DAN & DON- THE FLYIN’ MARTINI BROTHERS (Independent)

Extreme attorneys Felcher and Felcher joins Johnny Suave at ringside. “Swell,”
he mumbles. Immediately Peacenik #1 complains about the Martini Brothers
drinking in the ring. Both Martini Brothers chug a bottle of Jack Daniels and
then break the bottle over their heads. “Yes, it’s a little unorthodox,” Suave
explains, “but hell, they’re the champions. They can do whatever they
want.”

Peacenik #1 and Don Martini to begin. Crowd chants for the Drunken Luchadors.  A brief lock up and an attempted knee by Peacenik #1 that whiffs
because Don staggers out of the way.  Peacenik #1 tries rights now, and then the
boots…and misses again. “Here we go again,” Suave says.

R Felcher yells at Don Martini to stand still.

Suave shoots back, “Yeah, easier said than done.”

Peacenik #1 gets frustrated and rushes at Don. He clips the Drunken Luchador and sends him to the canvas. The Felchers cheer at the announcer’s table. Peacenik #1 goes for a leg drop but Dan Martini pulls Don out of the way.

Apparently Dan is the more sober one tonight,” observes Suave.

A tag is made and Dan Martini gets into the ring. Peacenik #1 again tries to bull over Dan. Dan topples to the canvas and Peacenik #1 rams into the corner ringpost.

“Of course, I could be wrong,” Suave says.

Peacenik #1 staggers back to his corner and tags in Peacenik #2.

Dan Martini climbs to the top rope. Suave cringes. “Oooh, this can’t be a good thing.”

Peacenik #2 simply waits. Dan leaps off the top rope and misses Peacenik #2 completely. “Definitely, not a good thing,” Suave says as Peacenik #2 goes for the cover but somehow Dan kicks out. “In the interest of fairness, he should have let the Green World Order pin him,” whines R Felcher.

“Yes,” chimes in B Felcher. “Haven’t they been tag team champions long enough?”

The other two members of the Green World Order, The Vengeful Vegan Brock Cole Lee and Peta from PETA come down to the ring. Brock Cole Lee slips a bottle of chloroform and a handkerchief to Peacenik #1. “Now what are they up to!” asks Suave. “Justice!” offers R Felcher. “That bottle of chloroform represents justice for the Green World Order.”

Peacenik #1 motions #2 to throw Dan Martini into their corner. Peacenik #2 tries to lift the Drunken Luchador up- he’s dead weight. Finally, Brock Cole Lee interjects himself into the match and helps Peacenik #2 drag Dan to their corner.

“It’s all over!” gloats R Felcher. D Felcher concurs, “There’s no way that-”

“HERE COME THE BOMB BROTHERS!” interrupts Suave, AND THE RAVING REDNECKS-LOCKE AND LOADE!”

Suave quickly recaps how Felcher and Felcher used the judicial system to deny the Bomb Brothers or the Raving Rednecks from wrestling for the tag team title.

“This is not acceptable!” R Felcher says.

A-Bomb tears Peacenik #1 off the edge of the ring and slams him into the steel barricade. The bottle of chloroform drops on the floor and Earl Locke picks it up. He immediately uses it on Peacenik #1 and takes him out. Gary Loade bulldogs Brock Cole Lee and then Locke and Loade deliver a devastating 4-D Redneck Death Blast to the Vengeful Vegan. Peacenik #2 ducks out of the ring but runs into H-Bomb.

“Oh, oh!” Suave warns.

Peacenik #2 immediately runs back into the ring and inadvertently elbows Dan Martini in the stomach. Dan starts to look green.

HOLY CRAP! HE’S GOING FOR THEIR FINISHER!”

Suave says as Peacenik #2 gets a real concerned look. “Someone stop him,” R
Felcher says. Too late. Dan spews green mist…no too chunky…projectile vomits all over Peacenik #2.

“WOW!” Suave exclaims. “He must have ate a lot for supper tonight!”

Dan passes out and headbutts Peacenik #2. Peacenik #2 down and covered
by Drunken Luchador Dan. 1-2-3. Match.

WINNER AND STILL BCEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: THE DRUNKEN LUCHADORS, DAN AND DON- THE FLYING MARTINI BROTHERS

A-Bomb grabs R Felcher; Gary Loade grabs B Felcher.  Both Felchers are dragged unceremoniously into the ring.

“It’s been nice knowing you guys,” Suave says, “NOT!”

Locke and Loade deliver another 4-D Redneck Death Blast to B Felcher while A-Bomb and H-Bomb double-power A-Bombs R Felcher.

“And that my friends,” Suave says, “is what I call a happy ending.”

We’ll be back with a new episode of PCW Extreme Political TV next Monday night.

————————-

Why I Won’t Support Ron Paul – Steve Fleisher
Shock and Awww, Not Again! – Nonnie 999/Hysterical Raisans
Trump And Huckabee Out, Who Benefits The Most? – Sensico
“Le Great seducer”, Frenchman Dominique assaults SOFITAL chamber maid in $3,000 a night penthouse suite?! - Pan Am
Some Thoughts on Life Post-Osama - Rutherford Lawson Blog
Burden Shifting Is the Mark of Tyranny – Taxes, Stupidity, and Death
Romney dials for dollars – CNN Political Ticker
Huckabee decision puts evangelical votes up for grabs – CNN Political Ticker
Was he ever serious? How Trump strung the country along, again – CNN Political Ticker
Nearly 20 percent of new Obamacare waivers are gourmet restaurants, nightclubs, fancy hotels in Nancy Pelosi’s district – Daily Caller
How alleged Tea Party fraud Jack Davis came to run as the ‘Tea Party’ candidate in NY’s 26th district special election – Daily Caller
Paul Ryan: Newt Gingrich Misunderstood Medicare Plan – Huffington Post
Obama Tries To Fire Up Frustrated Supporters Ahead Of 2012 – Huffington Post
Ari Melber: In Rap Battle, Stewart Demolishes O’Reilly on O’Reilly Factor – Huffington Post
Huckabee Booster in South Carolina Shifts Support to Huntsman – Roll Call
House Freshman Berg Will Run for Senate in North Dakota – Roll Call
The Job Nobody Wants: GOP’s Growing 2012 Dropout List – Daily Beast
Campaign Surrogates Pose Challenge for Obama – Political Wire
Romney Raises More Than $10 Million in a Day – Political Wire
McConnell sees ‘great opportunity’ – Politico Live
Please Do Not Google the Name of This Undervalued Republican Candidate – Swampland
Trump exit signals end to silly season – Politico Live
Charter Schools, Trump, Huckabee, and Newt #EERS – Red State
Mitt Romney’s Vegas Payoff: Raises $10.25M In Day-Long Phone-a-Thon – The Note, ABC
What President Obama is telling high school graduates this year: ‘Being president is a great job’ - LA Times- Top of the Ticket
Rush Limbaugh on Newt Gingrich’s attack on Paul Ryan: ‘I’m as befuddled as anyone else’ – LA Times- Top of the Ticket
Open thread for night owls: Wall Street Still A Nest Of Criminality – Daily Kos
Trump’s lesson – Ben Smith/Politico
The Rebuke in Dubuque: Gingrich’s Rocky Campaign Start Somehow Gets Even Rockier – Michelle Malkin
Charles Krauthammer On Newt Gingrich: ‘He’s Done, It’s Over’ – Mediaite
Jon Stewart To Bill O’Reilly: ‘There Is A Selective Outrage Machine Here At Fox’ – Mediaite
The Daily Wrap – Daily Dish

Romney Announces, Prosser v. Kloppenberg Rematch: PCW Extreme Political TV

PCW Extreme Political TV Recap
Rose Center

Mount Pleasant, MI
Monday April 11th, 2011
Host: Johnny Suave

REPLAY: PRESS CONFERENCE- Wisconsin: Kathy Nickolaus (R) and Ramona Kitzinger (D)

Reporter
You mean to tell us Ms. Nickolaus that the reason you didn’t come forward with the tape showing that David Prosser’s (R) shoulders weren’t down was because it got lost inside your purse?

Kathy Nickolaus (R)- clerk
Yes.  It was an honest mistake.  This is my fault.

Kathy Nickolaus produces her purse for everyone to see. She turns it upside down and empties it out.  Two minutes later, a huge pile of stuff is stacked up on the table.

Woodward Bernstein- PCW Investigative Reporter
Ms. Kitzinger.  What is your take on this?

Ramona Kitzinger (D)- Vice Chair of the Waukesha (WI) Democratic Party
We went over everything and made sure it all the  jibed up and they did.  You couldn’t find Tolstoy’s ‘War and Peace’ in that purse unless you knew exactly where to look.

Woodward Bernstein- PCW Investigative Reporter
I see.

Ramona Kitzinger (D) – Vice Chair of the Waukesha (WI) Democratic Party
As a Democrat, I’m not going to stand here and tell you something that’s not true.

Kathy Nickolaus (R) – clerk
This is just human error which I apologize for.

The Voice of PCW Johnny Suave and his life-size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain
“The Voice of PCW” Johnny Suave and his lifesize cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain

Johnny Suave
So there you have it.  In a match that has garnered so much attention and so much controversy this week, the late admission by Kathy Nickolaus that she had video proof that David Prosser was NOT pinned by JoAnne Kloppenberg only adds fuel to the fire.  With me is David Brock of Media Matters for America and Noel Sheppard from NewsBusters.  Gentlemen.

David Brock (Media Matters)
It’s pretty clear here that the clerk is lying.

Johnny Suave
How so?

David Brock (Media Matters)
Because she’s a conservative Republican.  Everyone knows that conservative Republicans twist and warp everything to fit their extreme ideological agenda.

Johnny Suave
But the Democratic vice chair concurred that no hanky panky was involved.

David Brock (Media Matters)
That’s conservative misinformation.  And we at Media Matters aim to hold conservative politicians and advocacy groups accountable for conservative misinformation.

Johnny Suave
Never mind.  Noel, what’s your thoughts on this?

Noel Sheppard (NewsBusters)
As usual, David’s reading from the latest Democratic talking points does nothing more than advance his hysterical nonsense.  Let’s be clear here. It’s left-leaning elected officials who have been regularly using “violent rhetoric” and imagery to characterize the Wisconsin battle.

David Brock (Media Matters)
No they haven’t.

Noel Sheppard (NewsBusters)
Yes they have.

David Brock (Media Matters)
No they haven’t.

Noel Sheppard (NewsBusters)
Yes they have.

Johnny Suave
All right, enough!

——————————

Mitt Romney (R) announces his going to seek the PCW CEO job again.  Romney, wearing a casual jacket and open-collared shirt, says that his central focus will be on the economy and fiscal issues facing PCW.

Suave says clearly Romney is trying to project a less staid image than the one he presented in 2008.

Then Romney brings out…


Magnum P.O’d (R) w/Robyn Masters

MATCH #1
Magnum P.O’d (R)  pinned Rip Rider (I) in :56

Romney is pleased with the results.

————————————–

*Do You Hear the People Sing? from the musical Les Miserables begins to play*

Do you hear the people sing?
Singing a song of angry men?
It is the music of a people
Who will not be slaves again!
When the beating of your heart
Echoes the beating of the drums
There is a life about to start
When tomorrow comes!

Charlie Blackwell and  ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido walk out followed by fifty people.


Charlie Blackwell and ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido w/Kenzie Blackwell (American Heartland)

Will you join in our crusade?
Who will be strong and stand with me?
Beyond the barricade
Is there a world you long to see?
Then join in the fight
That will give you the right to be free!

Blackwell motions to the group and they begin to march towards the ring.

Do you hear the people sing?
Singing a song of angry men?
It is the music of a people
Who will not be slaves again!
When the beating of your heart
Echoes the beating of the drums
There is a life about to start
When tomorrow comes!


Ken Worth- The American Trucker and Tequila Sheila (American Heartland)

Worth and Sheila also join the procession.

Will you give all you can give
So that our banner may advance
Some will fall and some will live
Will you stand up and take your chance?
The blood of the martyrs
Will water the meadows of France!

Do you hear the people sing?
Singing a song of angry men?
It is the music of a people
Who will not be slaves again!
When the beating of your heart
Echoes the beating of the drums
There is a life about to start
When tomorrow comes!

Blackwell and Escondido pile into the ring.

Do you hear the people sing?
Singing a song of angry men?
It is the music of a people
Who will not be slaves again!
When the beating of your heart
Echoes the beating of the drums
There is a life about to start
When tomorrow comes!

Blackwell blasts the fact that no one seems to be paying attention to the rising gasoline prices.  Retail gasoline prices rose 3.4¢/gallon to $3.80/gallon compared with the national average that has increased 7.7¢/gallon in the last week to $3.74/gallon.  Prices Sunday were 97.7¢/gallon higher than a year ago and 23.0¢/gallon higher than a month ago. When will rising prices stop?


Big Oil (R)

The crowd boos as Big Oil walks out with Texas Tex.  Texas Tex pushes out a wheelbarrow filled up with cash.  Big Oil laughs at Blackwell and predicts that gas prices will go up to $5 per gallon and make him even richer.  He says Americans can’t stay out of their cars and they’ll pay any price for gasoline.  Big Oil then points to the cash in the wheelbarrow and says the idiots will continue to make him rich beyond belief. 


Rush Limbaugh

More boos as Rush Limbaugh walks out. Limbaugh says if the lesson learned from the budget fight is that the way to go is compromise with the left, that’s a disaster.  The left is not going to compromise on their core beliefs.  Limbaugh says Republicans can only reverse it with defeat — and by defeat a more massive shellacking victories like in November.

—————————–

MATCH #2
Charlie Blackwell and ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido (American Heartland) and Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit (R) end up brawling all the way out of the building.  The match goes to a no contest at 5:34

—————————-

Donald Trump comes out and gets on the horn.

Donald Trump
Why doesn’t he (PCW CEO Barack Obama) show his birth certificate?  I’ve sent investigators to Hawaii to search for Obama’s birth certificate, and they’re coming up empty handed.  Also, unless we get the oil, I have no interest in Moammar Khadafy and Libya.  I, as a candidate who is willing to say – of COURSE it’s about the oil! You don’t get involved in a place like Libya to help a bunch of rebels you don’t really know.  In the old days when you had a war, when you won the war, you won. If they had oil, if they had diamonds, if they had gold – What’s going to happen in Iraq is absolutely amazing, two minutes after we leave, Iran is going to take over the great oil fields of Iraq. If I’m president at the time, Iran is not taking over the Iraqi oil fields, we will.

Johnny Suave
Strong words by potential Republican candidate to become the next PCW CEO, Donald Trump.

David Brock (Media Matters)
I have to object to that.  You’re once again allowing the right wing echo chamber to go unchallenged.  Donald Trump has been a Fox News regular for a while, offering his consistently uninformed opinions on climate change, tax policy, and terrorism. But lately, Trump has been pushing the repeatedly debunked “birther” conspiracy theory that PCW CEO Obama is not a natural-born American citizen.

Johnny Suave
Well, I don’t necessarily agree with the who ‘birther’ issue but-

Noel Sheppard (NewsBusters)
Now wait a second.  You should have objected to Brock’s obvious fake-outrage over Trump’s concerns about Obama’s birth certificate.  You’re showing your left-wing media bias.

Johnny Suave
Moving on, PCW was also in Virginia this past week and this little incident took place.


Jim Moran (D-Va)

Replay- PCW show in Virginia
27-year disabled military veteran asks Jim Moran (D-VA) “On behalf of all the active duty and deployed troops…I want to ask why are you here tonight and not in Congress trying to figure out how to stop this [government shutdown] from happening because I don’t understand…the only thing you’ve talked about is the eventuality of it happening and yet, here we are in the eleventh hour…and the troops are not going to get paid…There are troops that are barely making enough money…[with] their spouses deployed and that’s going to cause an extreme hardship.  So, I don’t understand why every person in Congress is not in Congress tonight.”

Moran responded: “I will respond.  And, if you served your country in the military for 27 years, I thank you for that service, sir.”  Moran then veered off and accused the veteran of making “caustic” comments and when the vet objected by saying he took exception to having his comments called caustic, Moran told him he had his chance to talk so now he could “sit down” or “leave.”

*Def Leppard’s ‘Tear It Down’ blares*


Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

Johnny Suave
IT’S THE EXTREME EQUALIZER- WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT!

Moran looks around.  Then he sees WTF running towards him down the aisle.

WTF grabs Moran by his neck and powerbombs him through a table to the floor.

Crowd: “PCW!…PCW!…PCW!”

MATCH #3
PCW Television Champion ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (D) w/The Skanky Rich Bimbos (Kim, Courtney, and Chloe Cardis-Sheehan) and Charlie Sheen
defeat Average Joe (Tea Party) when the Skanky Rich Bimbos give Average Joe the ‘Wardrobe Malfunction’ and Chism hits the Hollywood Blockbuster at 4:15

Post match, New York Democrat Charles Schumer and Leader of the PCW Executive Committee Harry Reid attack the Tea Party member.  Fellow Tea Party member ‘Tin Cup’ Ray McAvay ran in to assist his friend but is also taken out by Sheen, Schumer and Reid.

Chism and the SRB make their escape when the The God Squad: Rev. Oral Hinnrich and Rev. Buddy Flambe, run in.  They chase off Reid and Schumer.  With The Bible in hand, Rev. Hinnrich comes in and cracks Sheen across the head with the Book and sends him to the mat.  Rev. Hinnrich takes the microphone.

Rev. Oral Hinnrich
I guess the ‘Violent Torpedo of Truth’ is really nothing more than a ‘Passive Projectile of Delusion.’

Rev. Hinnrich then gives Sheen the Holy Roller while Rev. Flambe delivers a backbreaker across a chair.

The God Squad stands over Sheen.

Big Labor (D) Promo
*Inside a packed union hall.*

Wisconsin is not *broke,” there have been no *riots,* and union busting isn’t a budget *tool.*  We Democrats need to take charge of this script.  We can’t be 100% certain NO fraud occurred in the Prosser/Kloppenberg race.   But we can be certain that Republicans/Tea Party want to take labor back to the industrial revolution.  Scott Walker’s union attack amounts to dictatorship.  The only thugs I see in this debate are Republican governors making workers pay for the mistakes of Wall Street.  Republicans, you think because your stooge miraculously found a tape at the last moment that allegedly shows that no pin took place, we know better.  We are not going to stand by and watch the union-busting going on from Wisconsin, Ohio, Indiana, and elsewhere go without a fight.  You picked this fight.  And now, we’re going to finish it.

—————————————

Utopian Nation’s Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon…

…and French President Nicolas Sarkosy…

…and his wife…


Carla Bruni

Suave announces they’re ready for the next match.  And that, of course, brings out PCW’s guest ring announcer, Jamie Chung.


Jamie Chung

The crowd unloads on the first team who’s introduced as Libya’s Colonel Khadafy and his masked Minions #1 and #2 make their way to the ring.

Then Moon, France’s Nicolas Sarkosy, and his wife Carla Bruni are introduced.  The PCW crowd whips out their white flags and start waving it back and forth.   Biden, red-faced, motions to the crowd to ‘knock it off.’

Chung next introduces the Minion’s opponents- from the Utopian Nations:  Frenchy LaFrance and Colonel LaFitte.

——————————————–

MATCH #4
Minions #1 and #2 w/Colonel Khadafy defeat Frenchy LaFrance and Colonel LaFitte @ 1:54 via surrender.

During the match, the crowd chanted at Carla Bruni: “Take your top off! (clap, clap clap-clap-clap)  Take your top off! (clap, clap clap-clap-clap)”  Sarkosy tried to get the crowd to stop and Bruni was only mildly offended.

Then, a “We surrender” chant was directed at the French couple.  Sarkosy finally had enough and pointed his finger at several people in the crowd.

Post match, Sarkosy and Bruni leave in a huff after the crowd begins to serenade her with “Show us your ****!”

————————————–

Kevin Scott (R)
*In front of the Statue of Liberty w/fireworks going off in the background*

God Bless John Boehner.  Boehner looked PCW CEO Barack Obama (D) and the Leader of the PCW Executive Committee Harry Reid (D) in the eyes and in the end of the budget debate- they blinked. If there was any doubts from conservatives whether Boehner was a true believer, he proved them wrong. Kudos to Speaker Boehner, it is only one small step though as there is so much more on the plate he will have to deal with.  The fact of the matter is that there is more work to be done. PCW CEO Obama has proven that he has no interest in showing leadership on the biggest issues facing our company.  And too many Republicans still don’t understand that if we can’t stand on principle to make the small cuts, we’ll never build the credibility needed to convince everyone of the real spending cuts that are desperately needed.

Big Labor.  Democrats.  You got what you wanted.  The PCW title.  But mark my words.  I’m not going away anytime soon.  Like John Boehner, I will keep plowing forward until I reach my objective- three time PCW Champion.’

——————————–

MATCH #5
David Prosser (R) vs. Joanne Koppenberg (D) goes to a no contest when once again:

Big Oil (R) and Kirk Walstreit (R), Keith Olbermann (D) and his FOK News Channel co-horts David Shuster (D) and Shannyn Moore (D),  ‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott (R) and Brad Company (R) , ‘One Man Hollywood A-Lost’ Stone Chism (D) and the Angry Left Wing Bloggers: Markos Moutilsas, Jane Hamsher, Katrina Vanden Huevel of the Nation and David Brock of Media Matters, and Right Wing Patriots Andrew Breitbart, Glenn Beck, Laura Ingraham, Sean Hannity, and ‘The Queen of Political Extreme’ Ann Coulter hit the ring and all hell broke loose again.

The referee through up his hands and gave up.

End of show.

PCW Rewind: Joe Leiberman (I)

As you know, Joe Leiberman announced that he is retiring from the PCW Executive Committee when his term comes up in 2012.

PCW now takes you back to, perhaps, what is Leiberman’s great triumph.  Overcoming the odds in holding on to his Executive Committee position in 2006.  Let’s go back…

September 17th, 2006 PCW Lock and Load PPV

NED LAMONT SEGMENT
Ned Lamont and his Bloggers, Media Matters for America, Eric Alterman, and The Daily Kos come to the ring and Lamond has something to say. Except when Lamond starts to talk. The Daily Kos interrupts and steps in. He gloats and dances and says that the prodigal sons, the messiahs, the saviors of the Democrats have arrived at Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon. Eric Alterman asks the PCW fans if they realize that they are part of history tonight. They have come together and are part of a history making moment. To celebrate Lamont’s historic victory over Joe Leiberman. With all humility, Daily Kos wants to thank himself and Media Matters and Alterman, for this achievement. The crowd doesn’t share his sentiment. Daily Kos tells the fans ‘screw you.’ He and his bloggers know better than the ignorant fans does. “Lamont compromised with the extreme elements of the Democrats!” Suave says. Lamont actually starts to open his mouth to say something but gets interrupted. “We are going to end the reign of the Republicans,” Daily Kos declares. “Our first step was to take on a legend in Joe Leiberman,” Alterman adds, “and we kicked his ass all over the ring!” For that, Alterman tells the audience ‘You’re welcome’ for their hard work and his ingenuity. This is our night.

“That’s a hell of a story,” an older folksy voice says from the back. “IT’S JOE LEIBERMAN!” exclaims Suave. Lamont starts to talk but Media Matters jumps in and tells him that if he makes one more step to the ring, they will kick his ass again. “You’re done,” sneers Eric Alterman, “go back to Connecticut old man before we embarrass you again. By collaborating with the Republicans in the name of co-operation, you’ve sold the Democrats down the river.”

“That’s funny, the part about you kicking my ass,” Leiberman responds. Let’s watch what really happened:

MATCH #1- REPLAY OF NED LAMONT VS. JOE LEIBERMAN- PCW SPECIAL EVENT IN HARTFORD, CONNECTICUT
It’s late in the match and Leiberman and Lamont have been through a war. As Lamont goes for a spear, Leiberman trips him up with a drop toe hold and locks on the abdominal stretch. The Bloggers then make a move to intervene. Behind Leiberman, Daily Kos slips in the ring wearing brass knuckles. Eric Alterman and Media Matters distracts Leiberman and Daily Kos nails him with the brass knucks. Media Matters rolls Leiberman over and points Lamont to make the cover.

“Oh yeah,” Leiberman says, “you kicked my ass after your goons slipped you those brass knuckles.” Media Matters dismisses Leiberman as yesterday’s news. “You know, I’d actually love to hear Lamond talk for himself.” Sauve opines. “Come on out Howard,” Daily Kos says. “YEEEEEE-AHHHH!” The American Screamer Howard Dean comes out. Dean tells Leiberman that he appreciates his years of service to the Democrats but after what happened in Hartford he has no choice but endorse Lamont. Lamont grins. “It’s time for you stand down,” he says. Leiberman tells Dean and Lamont he’s not quitting quite yet. “I’m sure all of my ‘Joe-aholics’ out there will stand with me. If the Democrats doesn’t want me, than I have no other choice but to become an independent!” The crowd goes wild while Lamont and the Bloggers are furious. Daily Kos sputters that the Bloggers didn’t care about the so-called Joe-acholics. Leiberman lost and if he doesn’t want to go away gracefully, they’ll have to take it to the extreme one more time on him. Media Matters jumps out of the ring with other Bloggers right behind and confronts Leiberman. “THAT’S FOUR AGAINST ONE!” Suave says, “LEIBERMAN’S A SITTING DUCK!”

A huge explosion SFX. Through the smoke comes A. Tom Bomb (A-Bomb), Hy Drogen Bomb (H-Bomb), “Silent But Deadly” Newt Tron Bomb, led by their well-endowed sister Daisy Cutter Bomb. Eric Alterman immediately accuses Leiberman of switching to the Republicans. “Which you were an honorary member of anyways,” Media Matters adds. A- Bomb responds. He’s tired of not being supported by the Republicans. He’s tired of the politics of George W, Dick- his aide de camp, and The Mastermind Karl Rove. He’s tired of getting screwed over. “Screw the Republicans!” A-Bomb declares, “as of this moment the Bomb Family are also becoming independents.” “HOLY CRAP!” Suave exclaims, “HE’S SWITCHING SIDES!” H-Bomb then tells Leiberman than the Bomb Brothers have his back.

October 26th, 2006- PCW Extreme Political TV

Joe Leiberman Promo
Leiberman states that as his big match at PCW Extreme Election Night with the Democrat’s Ned Lamont gets closer, it’s clear that the ‘joe-mentum’ is on his side. He says that he feels ‘joe-rrific’ and Lamont, Daily Kos, Eric Alterman, Media Matters For America, and even that hideous Arianna Huffing-puff…Stuffenpuff… Someone whispers in Joe’s ear. “Oh, Huffington. They can all just kiss my ass,” Leiberman says. “It doesn’t matter what they say because it’s clear the people, my ‘joe-coholics,’ are behind me. From behind, Ned Lamont blindsides Leiberman from behind. “You’re just a member of the Republican in Independent clothing.” Then Alan “Mr. Irrelevant” Schlesinger comes out and stomps on Leiberman. “No he’s not.,” he says, “he’s really a member of the Democrat. Lamont claims Leiberman is an Republican, and then stomps on him. Schlesinger says Leiberman’s is an Democrat, and then stomps on him some more. They argue back and forth and stomp on Leiberman.

“Poor Joe,” Suave says, “he’s getting his ‘joe-butt’ double teamed right now. Can he hold off Lamont’s challenge at PCW Extreme Election Night? Or will Leiberman celebrate a ‘joe-victory?’”

November , 2006

MATCH #2- THREE WAY DANCE- JOE LEIBERMAN (Independent), NED LAMONT (D), and ALAN SCHLESINGER (R)
“All right, the Left Wing Bloggers Daily Kos, Media Matters for America, and Eric Alterman were the difference the last time Leiberman and Lamont met up,” explained Suave. “This time, Alan Schlesinger may be the wild card of the group.”

The bell rings and immediately the Bloggers pile into the ring and attack Leiberman. Schlesinger joins in.

“HOLY CRAP! IT’S FIVE AGAINST ONE!” Suave says as the referee is powerless to prevent the outside interference.

Leiberman is whipped into the ropes and Daily Kos and Media Matters set to double team him. Leiberman clotheslines the two bloggers but then gets blindsided by Eric Alterman.

The Bomb Brothers (Independents A. Tom Bomb, Hy Drogen Bomb, and Newt Tron Bomb) runs out. “HERE THEY COME!” Suave says as the crowd stands up and cheers, “THE ODDS HAVE JUST BEEN EVENED UP!”

A-Bomb power slams Eric Alterman. H-Bomb lifts Daily Kos in the air and tosses him over the top rope through a ringside table.

“HOLY CRAP!” Suave says as Daily Kos is buried amongst the remains of the table.

“BCEW!…BCEW!” chants the crowd.

A-Bomb corners Alan Schlesinger. Schlesinger desperately calls out to the Republicans for help. As A-Bomb lifts him up and Newt Tron Bomb sets a table up in the ring, Schlesinger calls out for Dick, or The Mastermind Karl Rove, or even the Rookie Sensation Starz N. Stripes. No help arrives and A-Bomb power A-Bombs Schlesinger through the table. Leiberman covers and Schlesinger is eliminated. The crowd serenades Schlesinger with the ‘na, na. hey-hey-hey goodbye’ song.

H-Bomb decks Media Matters and then climbs out of the ring. He grabs Media Matters’s legs and crotches him on the ringpost. H-Bomb then rolls him out of the ring.

“IT’S DOWN TO LEIBERMAN AND LAMONT NOW!” Suave says. “Now we’ll find out just what Lamont is made of.”

Lamont appears unsure and turns around looking for help. He calls for The American Screamer Howard Dean, “The Natural” Barack Obama, or anyone else from the Progressive Alliance. Like Schlesinger, no help arrives.

“I think its safe to say that the ‘Joe-mentum’ is on Leiberman’s side now,” Suave says.

Suddenly, another left wing blogger, Arianna Huffington, shrieks down the aisle towards the ring to help Lamont and runs into the manager of the Bomb Brothers Daisy Cutter-Bomb. Daisy lays her out with a wicked clothesline. Lieberman stomps his foot three times and sets him up for his closer.

“LEIBERMAN’S GOING FOR THE ‘JOE-STOPPER!” Suave says.

Lamont turns around just in time to catch a superkick right to his chin.

“That’s a pretty good kick for an old guy,” Suave cracks. “I didn’t think he could get his leg that high.”

Lamont drops as if he’s been shot. Leiberman covers and that’s the match.

WINNER: JOE LEIBERMAN (I)

Huffington throws a fit and stomps around at ringside as Joe holds up his hand in victory.

9/30- PCW Extreme Political TV- Crashing Streisand’s party

Last time on PCW:

 

-‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann and Quadruple R lament the lack of firepower in McMann’s Corporation.

 

-PCW TV Champion FUBAR defeats his tag team partner SNAFU and then is attacked after the match by ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido and the ‘American Screamer’ Howard Dean. Escondido vows to bring the PCW TV belt back to the Progressive Alliance.

 

-MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann and Fox News’s Bill O’Reilly have another extreme encounter with each other. Olbermann’s associates, Rachel Maddow and Hardball Chris Matthews, interfere in the match which causes CNN’s Lou Dobbs, not an Olbermann fan, to run down and take out the Countdown host with a steel-folding chair. Afterwards, Dobbs tells an unconscious Olbermann ‘he may be the worst person in the world but Olbermann was the biggest douchebag a-hole in the entire universe!’

 

-Starz N. Stripes w/John McCain (American Patriots) and O’Beck Bahama w/Barack Obama (Progressive Alliance) meet again. Starz wins when Libertarian Bob Barr and Independent Darth (Ralph) Nader come to the ring to protest, allowing Starz to roll up Bahama for the win. In the aftermath, McCain takes Obama out with a Singapore cane shot and all hell breaks loose afterwards.

 

PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV- September 30th from Bryan H.S, Bryan, Ohio
****

PCW OVERVIEW (for the uninitiated)

****
HOST: Johnny Suave

The crowd chants PCW…PCW.

Suave: “As you might expect, Barack Obama of the Progressive Alliance was not very happy with what happened at the end of the Starz N. Stripes/O’Beck Bahama match.”

 

 

Obama comes to the ring. He states he’s had enough of John McCain’s tactics. He doesn’t know why McCain attacked him with a Singapore cane but he declares that he and the Progressive Alliance will aggressively respond from this point forward.

 

 

Sarah Palin, carrying a hockey stick, leads John McCain out to the ring. McCain tells Obama that political wrestling is tough. McCain: “This is no walk in the park. While I was held prisoner in Hanoi did I get any sympathy because I complained about ‘rough treatment? Hell no.” McCain tells Obama that he’s just upset because his inexperience cost his guy, O’Beck Bahama, a shot at the PCW belt. McCain: “Again, you couldn’t rise to the challenge to defeat Starz N. Stripes for the PCW Title.” McCain then adds that Bahama’s had enough chances and won’t receive any more title shots.

 

 

Obama responds that he likes a challenge. He says the PCW title isn’t about him- it’s about being the best. He believes O’Beck Bahama can be the best. Obama challenges McCain to one last match next month at PCW Extreme Election Night. Starz N. Stripes vs. O’Beck Bahama for the PCW Title. If Starz wins; O’Beck doesn’t get another title shot. If O’Beck wins…

 

McCain: “Hah. You’ve got a better chance of getting Cheech and Chong back together.”

 

Obama: “John. They’re back together.”

McCain: “Oh.”

 

MATCH #1 PCW TELEVISION CHAMPIONSHIP- FUBAR © w/Dr. Bill (Independent) vs. MICHAEL HUNT of Guys With Unfortunate First Names Given Their Surnames (Jobber)

Dr. Bill exhorts FUBAR on with his unique brand of positive self-help talk. Dr. Bill: “Don’t let him win! You win!” Suave: “Wow. How profound is that? No wonder he makes the big bucks.” Suave then mimics a retching sound.

Suave then notes that former Detroit Lions GM Matt Millen is in Michael Hunt’s corner tonight. Suave: “Apparently, Hunt is taking a page from FUBAR. I wonder if it’ll work?

The bell rings. FUBAR knees Hunt in the gut. Then he flings Hunt into his corner, knocking Millen off the ring edge onto the floor. FUBAR rolls up Hunt. 1…2….3. Suave: “Nope. Guess not.”

 

WINNER AND STILL PCW TELEVISION CHAMPION: FUBAR

Again, ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido and the ‘American Screamer’ Howard Dean (Progressive Alliance) attack FUBAR. Swinging neckbreaker by Escondido lays out the TV champ. Again, Escondido runs down FUBAR as a ‘glorified jobber’ and ‘talent enhancement.’ Escondido demands a title shot but Dr. Bill says no. Dean and Escondido then assault Dr. Bill but then the Jobbers aka Talent Enhancement run out. Jimmy from So Cal, the Jim Rome Clone wannabe. Snott Flemmstein. Hunt and his tag team partner Richard Headd of Guys With Unfortunate First Names Given Their Surnames. And SNAFU. The jobbers chase away Escondido and Dean.

 

Suave then introduces another piece by Exploding Sheep Productions.

 

EXPLODING SHEEP PRODUCTIONS

The Beverly Hills fundraiser for Barack Obama. An outdoor courtyard. 300 people, including stars such as Leonardo DiCaprio, Will Ferrell, Jamie Lee Curtis, and Jodie Foster, seated at 30 tables resting on a cobblestone surface. Cost- $28,500 per person for the reception. $2,500 for a concert by Barbra Streisand afterwards.

 

Obama finishes his remarks and leaves. The dinner continues as the black-suited waiters circulated through the grounds. One water suddenly hops on the stage and whips off his suit.

 

Suave: “HOLY CRAP! IT’S DEWAYNE CANTRELL!”

 

Cantrell, main character of J.D. Elder’s novel Loose Cannons of Buckland County and Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction, holds up a steel-folding chair and bellows to the shocked crowd: “Surprisingly, I don’t see anyone from middle class America showing up here at some Tudor-style Greystone mansion in Beverly Hills with an entry fee of $28,500 to get in so you can dine on beef filet, asparagus and salad with goat cheese with a bunch of rich elitists and then be serenaded by some over the hill singer for an additional $2,800. I guess the price tag is a little high when they’re trying not to lose their house to foreclosure, trying to tread water because their wages don’t keep up with $4.15 per gallon of gasoline and the ever rising cost of living!”

Cantrell then wades into the tables and starts whacking people with the steel-folding chair. Chaos breaks out. Stars flee the grounds. Someone tries to collect $28,500 from Cantrell; he eats a steel-folding chair to the noggin.

Suave: “Standing up for the little guy, one steel-folding chairshot at a time!”

 

MATCH #2 ‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ TESSA MARTIN w/Daisy Cutter-Bomb and Tequila Sheila of the 3 Amigas (Independent) vs. ‘Defense Expert’ HALLIE BURTON w/Neal Conn- making foreign policy as paramount responsibility of government, seeing the need for the U.S. acting as the world’s sole superpower as indispensable to establishing and maintaining global order (American Patriots)
The winner of this match gets a shot at the PCW Women’s title held by ‘Empress of All Media’ Opal Winfree (Progressive Alliance). Tessa hits a bicycle kick right after the bell rings. Burton rebounds with a belly-to-belly suplex and then slams Tessa into the corner turnbuckle. Conn pulls Tessa out of the ring and throws her against the steel guardrail. Burton then leaps from the top rope and smashes the PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl hard into the guardrail. Daisy Cutter-Bomb then blasts into Burton. She powerslams Burton on the entrance ramp. Neal Conn pulls Daisy off. Tequila Sheila then knocks Conn out with her blender. Daisy throws Burton back in the ring. Tessa grabs her oversized pizza box, with a street sign inside, and clocks Burton with it. She covers and that’s the match.

WINNER: ‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ TESSA MARTIN

Suave: “Next week, it’ll be ‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin vs. ‘Empress of All Media’ Opal Winfree for the PCW Women’s title.”

MR. McMANN’S CORPORATION SEGMENT
Kathryn Randall Collins…aka KRC, Quadruple R, Bradley Scott Wilson Esq., and Richard Emerson Bentley III sit as Mr. McMann tries to persuade someone (blocked from view) to join his corporation.

Suave wonders who it could be.

EXPLODING SHEEP PRODUCTIONS

Barbra Streisand profusely apologizes for DeWayne Cantrell’s attack. She promises to make it up to everyone attending the star studded $28,500 per person Obama fundraiser plus the extra $2,800 to hear Streisand sing.

 

The band starts to play- but it’s not one of Streisand’s classics. It’s a country sound.

 

Suave: “HOLY CRAP! That’s not Barbra Streisand’s band! That’s…THE BLACK SWAMP PIRATES!

 

The guests look on in horror as the Pirates play their hit song, “American Elitist.”

 

I don’t want to be an American Elitist
Don’t want to be smug, self-absorbed, and conceited
Looking down your nose while sipping cappuccino
Push your political views cause you act or hit a high note

I know it’s hard to see us when you’re up so far above
I guess we’re supposed to listen, cause you’ve got a Hollywood star
Your perks and privilege gets you places we will never see.
Your power and prestige gets you people we’ll never meet.

So Barbra Streisand, you won’t defeat us
You and the rest of the American Elitists
Just like Michael Moore, hell, you’d better believe us
Stay inside your limousine behind the tinted glass
Hide behind the velvet ropes and you can kiss our ass

I don’t want to be an American Elitist
Corporate greed feeds the rich, the rest of us simply bleed yes
Golden parachutes, they protect the big gun
While no one gives a damn about the little ones

I know it’s hard to see us when you’re up so far above
And I guess you’ve got a better way since you drive a fancy car
Your perks and privileges gets you places we will never see.
Your power and prestige gets you people we’ll never meet.

So Rush Limbaugh, you won’t defeat us
You and the rest of the American Elitists
Just like, Dick Cheney, hell you’d better believe us
Stay inside your limousine behind the tinted glass
Hide out at your country clubs and you can kiss our ass

I don’t want to be an American Elitist
Big money special interests, well they get what they need yeah
One dollar equals one vote, that’s the way the game’s played
While the rest of us watch as our dreams slowly slip away

I know it’s hard to see us when you’re up so far above
And if you’ve got the cash to pay, you get all the fun
Your perks and privileges gets you places we will never see.
Your power and prestige gets you people we’ll never meet.

Hey NRA, you won’t defeat us
You and the rest of the American Elitists

Hey you, George Soros, you’d better believe us
Stay inside your limousine behind the tinted glass
Spend your cash, buy an election and you can kiss our ass

Hey Wall Street Journal, you won’t defeat us
You and the rest of the American Elitists
Like Rolling Stone, you’d better believe us.
Stay inside your limousine behind the tinted glass
Watch us from your ivory towers and you can kiss our ass

 

McCAIN-OBAMA INTERVIEW FOR PCW CEO

The first of three interviews with PCW Owner Bubba Jackson to determine who will become the next PCW CEO.

 

McCain emphasized his experience in working with members of the Progressive Alliance to make PCW a better wrestling organization. He noted Obama’s relative inexperience as the key reasons why he would be the best choice to be the next PCW CEO.

 

Obama parried McCain’s remarks by calling his support of PCW CEO George W’s ‘war’ against EECW…

 

http://bucklandcounty.blogspot.com/2007/03/325-bcew-vs-eecw-war-ppv.html

 

…a grave failure of judgment. An error that caused the wrestling promotion to take its eye off the ball in improving the PCW product. Obama called McCain out of touch with modern political wrestling fans- a point that McCain disputed.

 

McCain: “I’ve been a wrestling fan for years and root for the underdog. I think it’s great that WCW is giving the WWF a run for their money.

 

Obama: “Uh, John. WCW went out of business 8 years ago and WWF is now WWE.”

 

McCain: “Oh…”

 

MATCH #3 PCW TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH- JACK SCHETT & BULL SCHETT w/Horst Schett and Hans Gruber- the German Schnauzer (Progressive Alliance) vs. A. TOM BOMB & HY DROGEN BOMB w/ Newt Tron Bomb (American Patriots)

Horst Schett takes the mic and holds up the Schnauzer. Horst: “You should all bow down to this dog. This dog is named after greatest cinematic villain of all time! Hans Gruber! GOD BLESS YOU ALAN RICKMAN!” Jack Schett then takes the mic. Jack: “IF YOU DON’T THINK THE SCHETT BROTHERS ARE THE BEST TAG TEAM IN PCW, THEN YOU DON’T KNOW JACK SCHETT!” The crowd starts chanting ‘bulls###…bulls###!” Bull: “See? Listen to them chant for me.”

 

Suave: “Ah, no. I don’t think that’s they’re doing.”

 

The bell rings A-Bomb and Jack Schett to begin. Trading chops by A-Bomb and Jack Schett. Jack clips the leg to take control. Leg lariat follows and A-Bomb powers back up. They trade chops again. Bull Schett tags in. Elbows to A-Bomb and a knee to the back. Belly to belly suplex by Bull and a cover for 2. Elbows again by Bull. He tries for the roaring elbow but misses and gets hung up in the ropes. H-Bomb gets a stun gun from the outside. Jack Schett runs over and gets into it with H-Bomb.

 

Sarah Palin, John McCain’s choice for his aide de camp, joins Suave at the broadcast table along with two other people. Suave asks who the men are. They respond that they are McCain’s handlers and here to help Palin answer Suave’s questions. Suave first asks Palin how she’s doing. The handlers whisper into Palin’s ear and then she answers that she’s fine. Suave asks her about the PCW CEO race. McCain’s handlers again whisper in Palin’s ear. Palin responds that it’s a race between two people to lead PCW. Suave: “I know. What’s your thoughts about the race?” More input from the handlers. Palin seems confused, then responds that the Iditarod Dog Sled race is one of Alaska’s biggest events and then adds, “You can see Russia from Alaska.” Suave: “O-kay. Let’s get back to the match.”

 

H-Bomb trades chops and then hits a Russian leg sweep. H-Bomb off the ropes and backdrops Bull. Jack in, H-Bomb gives him a back breaker. Bull gets back up and kicks off H-Bomb’s head. Cover for 2. Jack tags in and lays the boots to H-Bomb in the corner. Horst with a cheap shot on H-Bomb and pulls him to the floor. Horst tosses him to the barricade. Bull gets a cheap shot as well. Horst sics Hans Gruber on it H-Bomb. The dog leaps up and attacks H-Bomb in the balls.

 

Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” H-Bomb spins wildly, trying to get the dog’s jaws to let go. A-Bomb runs in and hits a running bulldog on Jack Schett. A-Bomb to the top turnbuckle and leaps on Bull Schett. Kick to the face by A-Bomb. Horst Schett then orders Hans Gruber to attack A-Bomb. The dog pulls off H-Bomb and leaps at A-Bomb. A-Bomb grabs a steel folding chair and blasts the poor animal in the face with it. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” The dog drops.

 

Horst is horrified. Bull throws A-Bomb back into the ring and Jack just lays in the kicks in the corner. Forearm and elbows by Jack and a cover for 2. More chops by Jack and then he climbs up the top turnbuckle. Horst hands him a brick and Jack places it in the rear of his trunks. Suave: “He’s going for their finisher- the ‘Schett-Brick!’” Newt Tron Bomb hits the ring and pulls A-Bomb out of the way. Jack misses and lands hard on his ass in the ring.

 

Suave: “Jack Schett in major pain. I betcha those brick shards don’t feel real good…HERE COMES ARIANNA HUFFINGTON AND THE ANGRY LEFT-WING BLOGGERS!” Huffington directs Daily Kos, Media Matters for America, Eric Alterman, and Paul Krugman into the ring. Daily Kos tosses A-Bomb to the floor and Media Matters and Alterman start kicking away. Alterman chokes out A-Bomb and puts him on a table. Then as A-Bomb lay on the table, Daily Kos gets a running start and puts A-Bomb through the table.

 

H-Bomb staggers back into the ring and flops on the canvas. Senton by Jack, knee drop by Bull and a cover. One…two…Sarah Palin leaps from her chair and whacks Bull in the back with the hockey stick. Suave: “PALIN STOPS THE COUNT!…AND HERE COMES THE RIGHT-WING BRIGADE!” Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, Sean Hannity, Michelle Malkin, and Glenn Beck race down. Rights by Limbaugh, chops by Malkin and then an Enziguri takes out Jack Schett. Palin wades into the Angry Left Wing bloggers and starts swinging away. Horst revives Hans Gruber and sic the Schnauzer on the Right Wingers. Palin chases Huffington and the Angry Left Wing bloggers to the back. Hans Gruber chases the Right Wing Brigaders to the back.

 

Both Bull Schett and H-Bomb are out in the ring. Jack Schett is hurt and lying outside the ring. A-Bomb is unconscious in the ruins of the table. Suave: “Now what? Wait! Here comes Barack Obama.” Obama comes to the ring and rolls Bull over towards H-Bomb. Suave: “JOHN McCAIN’S RUNNING IN TO STOP HIM!” McCain reaches the ring but suddenly stops when a pair of hands from under the ring grabs his leg. Suave: “What the…IT’S JOE BIDEN!” Obama puts Bull on H-Bomb. The referee counts. 1-2-3.

 

WINNER AND STILL PCW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: JACK SCHETT and BULL SCHETT (Progressive Alliance)

Suave: “What a match! The Progressive Alliance get a huge win tonight!    We’ll see you next week!”

———–

PCW at WordPress

6/3- PCW TV. WTF??…Dick Cheney & W. Virginia, the Progressive Alliance chooses their nominee, and Scott McClellan has an unpleasant encounter with Bob Dole.

 

PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV– June 3rd from Butte, MT/ Host: Johnny Suave
****
PCW OVERVIEW (for the uninitiated)
****
Suave: “It’s the go home show leading to next week’s Loose Cannons Unleashed 4! This is the final leg of the PCW Roadshow Across America tour and tonight we are live in Butte, Montana.” Suave announces the main event for tonight, a number one contender match for the PCW Women’s title between Kathryn Randall Collins aka KRC (Progressive Alliance) and ‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin and then recaps last week’s edition of PCW Extreme Political TV:

RECAP OF LAST WEEK
Big Oil stole American Trucker’s semi-truck and ran it into Average Joe’s average house, causing both to blow up. Wrestling legend in a cheap fedora, Indianola Jones, returns to the ring for the first time in 19 years to stand up to Big Oil. Big Oil challenges him to a match for the PCW Television title.
****
‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann returned again to PCW to beg for a job. However, PCW CEO George W told him that someone else was getting a tryout this week- Vince Rousseau.
****
Independent wrestler ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido defeated jobber FUBAR yet again. FUBAR vents after the match about always losing. Escondido tells him sarcastically to go get a life coach.
****
Vince Rousseau’s gimmick match involving an oversized Mousetrap board game and parts doesn’t quite go as planned.
****
The Progressive Alliance’s Triple R demands yet another match with O’Beck Bahama. He stands in the ring and swears he won’t move until he gets his match. Big Oil clears out Triple R and then takes on Indianola Jones. Jones, age 65, shocks the wrestling world by going George Foreman and Terry Funk and upsets Big Oil with the katahajime to become the new PCW Television champion. To top the evening off, American Trucker and Average Joe steal Big Oil’s wheelbarrow full of cash and run off with it.
****
————-

A quick moment of silence for late rock legend Bo Diddley starts the show.

PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE MEETING
Bill and Hillary Clinton make a final plea before a panel consisting of the ‘American Screamer’ Howard Dean, Nancy Pelosi, and Harry Reid. Hillary once again passionately presents the case that she, not Barack Obama, would be the best person to go up against the American Patriots’s John McCain for PCW CEO. Bill angrily rails against the treatment of Hillary throughout the process.

The Rev. Michael Pfleger then runs in and starts rubbing his eyes. Pfleger: “Oh, boo-hoo-hoo! This is mine. I’m Bill Clinton’s wife! I’m entitled. I’m-” Howard Dean: “Dude, you’re not helping.” Dean has Pfleger removed and then breaks the news to the Clintons. Dean: “It is my intention to introduce Barack Obama tonight as the nominee of the Progressive Alliance.” Bill protests but Dean tells him ‘it’s over.’

SCOTT McCLELLAN
Scott McClellan is in the ring to explain his new book while a third of the fans, who support the American Patriots, chant “YOU SOLD OUT! YOU SOLD OUT!” Over the din, McClellan tries to explain that he exercised his conscience in writing What Happened: Inside the Bush White House and Washington’s Culture of Deception. He noted that the tone of the book changed and became sharper as the process went along. A horribly off-key mariachi band began to play ‘Hail to the Chief’ and PCW CEO George W came to the ring. W doesn’t look in the greatest of moods and confronts McClellan.

George W: “Scott, why? How could you do that to me?” McClellan again tries to explain himself. McClellan: “You said, we were going to restore-OW! We were going to restore honor and integrity. You said-OW! You said, we were going to set the highest of-OW! The highest of standards-OWWW! DAMMIT BOB DOLE! STOP HITTING ME WITH BOTTLES OF VIAGRA!” Bob Dole climbs into the ring and growls at McClellan. Bob Dole: “You wanna know what Bob Dole thinks? Bob Dole thinks you’re a miserable creature motivated by greed to sell out George W. That’s what Bob Dole thinks.” McClellan tries again to explain himself but Dole pushes him. McClellan: “Stop that.” Crowd: “YOU SOLD OUT!” Dole: “Let’s go! If a sixty-five year old man can win the PCW Television title, then this eighty-four year old can kick your gutless ass, you ingrate. You should have quit or spoken up if you had issues.” Dole shoves him again. McClellan: “Bob, stop it.” Dole: “When the cash rolls in from your book, you should donate it to a worthy cause, such as, ‘Biting the Hand that Feeds Me.” Dole shoves him again. McClellan warns him one more time to stop pushing him. Dole: “If all these awful things were happening, you should have spoken up like a man or quit your cushy, high profile job. That would have taken integrity and courage.” McClellan tries to walk away. Dole spins him back around and jabs the pen that’s clenched in his left hand (the arm that was injured in the military) across McClellan’s forehead. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! HE’S BUSTED OPEN!”

McClellan sees his own blood, snaps, and knees Dole in the groin. Then he clotheslines the former senator and high tails it from the ring, leaving the elder statesman of the American Patriots lying in the ring. Suave: “I’d make some smart-ass Viagra joke right here but I don’t think it’d be very appropriate.”

FUBAR comes out and addresses the aftermath of his match with ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido last week where Escondido told him to get a life coach. FUBAR announces that he’s done exactly that and introduces his new life coach- Dr. Bill. Suave: “Dr. Bill? What the hell? A cheesy rip-off of Dr. Phil?” Dr. Bill walks out and joins FUBAR. FUBAR brags that the advice Dr. Bill has given him in the last week has totally changed his life. Suave: “Okay. He said that about Coach Bobby Petrino before he left to take a better paying job and Coach Bob Knight before Knight threw a chair at him.” Dr. Bill says that ‘FUBAR’s tired of losing. So I told him, STOP LOSING!” Suave: “That’s freakin’ brilliant, Sigmund Freud.”

MATCH #1- PCW TELEVISION TITLE MATCH: INDIANOLA JONES © (Independent) vs. FUBAR w/his life coach Dr. Bill (Jobber)
Suave:
“I’ll give Indianola Jones credit. He might be 65 years old but he’s not wasting any time putting the TV belt on the line.” FUBAR comes out with newfound confidence and takes the battle to Jones. But early on, Jones holds control of the match with a rest hold chinlock. Snap mare suplex by Jones. Elbow drop. Jones goes armdrag and then wrenches the arm around the ring post. Dr. Bill yells encouraging mini-slogans at FUBAR including: “You’re losing the match, start winning.” Suave: “Again, this guy certainly earns every penny he gets…”

FUBAR reverses and throws Jones out of the ring. FUBAR grabs a chair and starts swinging. Chairshot. Then he climbs up on the ring apron and dives with the chair onto Jones. Dr. Bill continues to urge him on. Leg drop. Jones looks sluggish and tired. FUBAR pulls him up and throws him back into the ring. FUBAR climbs the ropes and goes for the splash. Jones rolls at the last moment and FUBAR bounces off the canvas. Jones somehow maneuvers around… Suave: “KATAHAJIME! JONES LOCKS IN THE KATAHAJIME AND FUBAR TAPS OUT!”

WINNER AND STILL PCW TELEVISION CHAMPION: INDIANOLA JONES

Suave: “FUBAR shows some improvement despite having Dr. Bill, his so-called life coach, in his corner.” Dr. Bill consoles FUBAR after the match and tells him he did much better tonight.

BACKSTAGE WITH THE CLINTONS
Bill and Hillary inform the ‘Angry Highway Warrior’ Triple R (aka…Road Rage Randy) that the Progressive Alliance will name Barack Obama as their nominee. Triple R: “Yeah but, what about my title match next week against Starz N. Stripes?” Hillary curtly reminds Triple R he lost the qualifying match which would have given him the title shot. Triple R throws a fit and yells that the Clintons promised him the PCW Title. Bill: “Well, all I can tell you is sometimes things don’t work out quite the way you want them to.” Triple R stomps away.

BIG OIL SEGMENT
Big Oil walks out with Kirk Walstreit (American Patriots)- no Texas Tex, no wheelbarrow. He calls what happened last week outright robbery and demands justice. But, because he knows that PCW won’t do anything to get his money back and everyone is jealous of his success, he’s forced to take matters into his own hands. Big Oil: “Last week is the last time that any lesser species will ever lay their hand on me.” Out comes Rough Justice- D.B. Ruff and Conner Justice, two former police officers fired for their over the top, extreme brand of justice and Big Oil’s newly hired muscle. Big Oil then calls out American Trucker and Average Joe and demands to know what they’ve done with his money.

American Trucker and Average Joe appear via satellite from Ohio. They thank Big Oil for his ‘most gracious apology for destroying American Trucker’s semi-truck and Average Joe’s house. American Trucker: “Because of your generosity, I’ve replaced my old, worn out semi-truck with a brand new, state of the art rig.” Average Joe: “And with the proceeds you so selflessly donated, I purchased a brand new house.” Big Oil boils over and he calls out PCW CEO George W to straighten the situation out. The off-key mariachi band appears with an even worse (if that’s possible) version of Hail to the Chief and George W comes back to the ring. Big Oil demands action against American Trucker and Average Joe. The PCW CEO demurs and then, big ovation interrupts him when the new PCW Television Champion Indianola Jones walks out.

Big Oil tells Jones he can have the ‘worthless PCW TV Title’ because the belt he wants is currently held by Starz N. Stripes. Jones has a solution- next week at PCW Loose Cannons Unleashed 4, Big Oil and Walstreit vs. Average Joe and American Trucker. If Big Oil and Walstreit win, they get the American Trucker’s truck and Average Joe’s house. If they lose, the American Trucker and Average Joe get another wheelbarrow overflowing with cash from Big Oil.

Big Oil quickly accepts.

DICK CHENEY/WEST VIRGINIA SONG
Dick Cheney in the ring to apologize for saying that his family has Cheneys on both sides of his family tree dating back to the 1600’s and we don’t even live in West Virginia. Dick: “On reflection, I conclude that it was an inappropriate attempt at humor that he should not have made. I’d like to apologize to the people of West Virginia by singing a song for them…” Suave: “Oh, no. This can’t end good.”

Cheney sings (to the tune of John Denver’s ‘Country Roads’):

Almost hell
West Virginia
Black Lung disease
The state that God threw up on.

All the cars are old there
Rusting in the hills
My old lady’s pregnant
We can’t afford the pill

I wanna go home
But there’s no road
From this place
I don’t belong
West Virginia
Up your mama
I wanna go home
But there’s no road.

Dark and lumpy
Kills your liver
It’s not the moonshine
It’s the Shenandoah River

Everything is old-

*Def Leppard’s ‘Rock, Rock, Til You Drop blares*

 

The Extreme Equalizer Whiskey Tango Foxtrot runs in, grabs Dick by the throat, and chokeslams him through the ring table, much to the delight of the crowd.

PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE ANNOUNCEMENT
Dean, Pelosi, and Reid come out to make the formal announcement along with Barack Obama and O’Beck Bahama. Dean: “It’s been a long, long road to tonight. But, we can now say that after a spirited and sometimes contentious campaign, the nominee of the Progressive Alliance to become the next PCW CEO is…Barack-” Triple R attacks and knocks Dean down. He goes right to Bahama and they begin to brawl. Pelosi and Reid try to restore order but Triple R pushes them both down. Obama even tries to stop Triple R but he gets shoved away. Bahama charges Triple R. Triple R oles Bahama and the New Rookie Sensation hits the ring post hard. He’s dazed.

Suave: “HERE COMES THE ANGRY LEFT-WING BLOGGERS!” Media Matters For America, Eric Alterman, and Daily Kos run in. Triple R DDT’s Media Matters, tosses Alterman over the top rope, and kicks Daily Kos in the groin. Piledriver to Daily Kos and then he’s tossed out of the ring. Triple R then throws Dean over the top rope. Both Pelosi and Reid wisely bail. Triple R grabs the mic and throws an in-ring temper tantrum of epic proportion. He says he’s been screwed out of the BCEW/PCW, ‘whatever the @#$# you want to call the thing’ for the final time. Triple R: “Ever since I came back, George W and everyone involved in PCW has done everything in their power to keep me from reclaiming what is rightfully mine- the PCW title. I’ve been screwed for the last time. I’ve been lied to for the last time. @#$# everyone else! I will-” Three referees hit the ring. Triple R smacks one with the mic and then quickly dispatches of the other two.

Hillary Clinton comes out and tells Triple R ‘that’s enough.’ Triple R ignores her and kicks away at both the remaining referee in the ring and then O’Beck Bahama. She signals to the back and the Clinton Political Pitbulls- James Carville and Terry McAuliffe, hit the ring. The Pitbulls hesitate and then tackle Triple R.

As the Pitbulls clean up the ring, a somber Hillary and Bill Clinton leave.

Suave announces that due to the fracas, the Kathryn Randall Collins/‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin #1 contenders match has been moved back to the Loose Cannons 4 Pay Per View. Suave: “Here’s the rest of the card for Loose Cannons Unleashed 4.”

FINAL CARD FOR LOOSE CANNONS UNLEASHED 4
-#1 Contender Match for PCW Women’s Title: Kathryn Randall Collins aka KRC (Progressive Alliance) vs. ‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin of the 3 Amigas w/Tequila Sheila and Daisy Cutter-Bomb (Independent)
-Grudge match: Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit (American Patriots) vs. American Trucker and Average Joe (Independent)
-PCW Television Title Three Way Dance: 65 year old Indianola Jones (Independent) © vs. ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido (Independent) vs. FUBAR (Independent)
-PCW Women’s Title Match: ‘Media Empress’ Opal Winfree © w/Opal’s Flock- New Age Sensitive Guy and Soccer Mom (Progressive Alliance) vs. the winner of the ‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin and Kathryn Randall Collins match
-PCW Tag Team Title Match: Jack Schett and Bull Schett © w/Horst Schett and the Extreme Schnauzer, Hans Gruber (Progressive Alliance) vs. A. Tom Bomb and Hy Drogen Bomb (American Patriots)
-PCW Title Match: The ‘Original Rookie Sensation’ Starz N. Stripes © w/John McCain (American Patriots) vs. The ‘New Rookie Sensation’ O’Beck Bahama w/Barack Obama (Progressive Alliance)
————–

J.D. Elder’s new novel Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction features BCEW/PCW and several characters in the story. Check out this funny and occasionally biting political satire at www.bucklandcounty.com or these online bookstores:
****
You can also order it direct from:
Prairie Depot Press
P.O. Box 25
Wauseon, Ohio 43567
****
****
PCW is online at:

 

PCW Update and Flashback to Loose Cannons Unleashed 2006

Despite Hillary Clinton’s protest, it’s official for next months PCW Loose Cannons Unleashed 4.  PCW champion Starz N. Stripes with John McCain in his corner will defend the title against the ‘New Rookie Sensation’ O’Beck Bahama, seconded by Barack Obama.

 

No PCW Extreme Political TV this week. 

In the meantime, here’s a excerpt from the new novel Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction that’s based directly from a 2006 match at BCEW Loose Cannons 2 pay per view.  Enjoy. 

———

33. The Big Swerve
“Well folks, they’re back and they’re not ready to make nice,” Suave announced as the Dixie Chucks headed for the ring. “It’s the Dixie Chucks and it looks like they want to air more of their grievances.”

The audience greeted the trio with the usual chorus of boos.

Chuck-atalie grabbed the microphone. “Shut the hell up!” he bellowed, acting as if he was struggling to control his anger. “You all are just a bunch of ignorant haters!”

“Yeah. There’s one way to get them on your side,” quipped Suave.

“You’re all no better than the jerks that sent the death threats to the Dixie Chicks.”

Chuck-artie spoke next. “Like we said before…you don’t have to like what they have to say but those women still have the right to speak their mind!”

Then Chuck-mily stepped up and added, “It’s a &#$#-ing injustice what’s happened to the Dixie Chicks.”

“Go buy their new CD!” chimed in Chuck-atalie. “It rocks!”

“That’s right,” Chuck-artie added. “If you don’t like the new CD, then you can all kiss our asses!”

And with that, the Dixie Chucks climbed back out of the ring.

“Strong words from the Dixie Chucks!” Suave said. “And I have to say that I agree with them about the way the Dixie Chicks was treated. Death threats? I mean, come on. This IS America, yes?”

“I object to that!” shouted some guy wearing a big ‘News Bluster’ t-shirt. He ran across the stage and parked himself next to Suave.

“And who the hell are you?”

“I am News Bluster!” the man replied. “I run a right-wing blog where every day I take on left-wing media bias!”

“And I guess you’re implying that I am somehow biased?”

“Well, yes! It’s a well know fact that the left wing have always used their sympathizers in the news media to further their extreme liberal agenda.”

“But we’re not talking about the extreme left-wing agenda,” argued Suave. “We’re talking about a music group receiving death threats just for speaking their mind! I think that’s wrong!”

“So you agree with the Dixie Chicks! SEE! I KNEW you were biased!”

“That’s ridiculous-” Toby Keith’s “How Do You Like Me Now?” interrupted Suave mid-sentence. “Hold on, I believe the Dixie Chuck’s arch-enemies, Locke and Loade, are coming out to respond.”

Earl Locke and Gary Loade came from the back with microphones in hand and met the Dixie Chucks halfway between the side stage door and the ring.

“Now hold on a second, pardner,” Locke said to the departing Dixie Chucks. “Now I appreciate y’all sticking up for the Dixie Chicks and such. But isn’t free speech a two way street!” Locke turned to the crowd. “Am I right?”

The crowd agreed.

Loade took the microphone. “So, if the Chicks have the right to speak their peace, don’t the people who disagree with them have a right to speak their peace, too?”

“Well? Yeah. I guess that makes sense,” Suave admitted.

“Death threats aside, and we all agree that’s just plain wrong, it seems to me that if the Chicks are going to rip on people then they’d better be prepared to be ripped on in return,” Loade opined.

Suave nodded his head. “Okay. That sounds reasonable.”

“Freedom of speech doesn’t guarantee freedom from the consequences,” Locke interjected.

“Wow. That was pretty articulate and, well, almost out of character.”

“HOLD IT!” another voice shouted. Another man came out from the back. This gentleman wore a ‘Media Muckers for America’ t-shirt.

“Who are you?” Suave asked.

“I am Media Muckers for America,” the man said, “I run a left-wing blog who fights right-wing lies. I object to the fact that you are allowing the right wing to spew propaganda on your airwaves!”

“And how is that…” Suave snapped his fingers. “No wait, I’ve got it. Just because I agreed with something that Locke and Loade said, in your eyes it constitutes some kind of conservative bias on my part…right?”

“You’re helping to push their extreme right-wing agenda by agreeing with their statement! We at Media Muckers for America simply can’t stand for that!”

“Again, I simply agreed with a point that was made!”

“The right-wing and the religious right are trying to force their views onto all of us!”

“Well, yeah, that may be the case. But that has nothing to do with my opinion of Locke and Loade’s take.”

“BIASED!” screeched Media Muckers for America. “YOU’RE BIASED!”

“Oh, bite me!” snapped Suave. “Let’s back to the ring! It looks like it’s time for the Progressive Alliance’s Justin Sufferable to get his shot at the BCEW title!”

“I OBJECT!” shouted News Bluster. “You’re inferring that the Progressive Alliance deserves to get this title shot and that’s biased against the American Patriots!”

Suave shot News Bluster a nasty glare. “And it appears the CEO of BCEW is coming out. I can tell because there’s always that God-awful mariachi band leading the way.”

W indeed was going again to the ring. Following the rag-tag mariachi band playing “Hail to the Chief” excruciatingly off key, W, his aide de camp Dick, and Carl “The Mastermind” Rowe all convoyed to the ring. Waiting impatiently, Justin Sufferable warmed up in one of the corners. He stretched his legs and back and bounced off the ring ropes a couple times. Sufferable was focused, primed, and ready.

W took the microphone from Earl Fletcher. Dick and the Mastermind took up positions behind him.

“I’m afraid that I some bad news to announce,” W said solemnly. “BCEW champion Rafael Barry Gambee-”

“ROIDS!” shouted the crowd.

“Knew that was coming,” quipped Suave.

“As I was saying, the champion…” W then went out of his way not to say his name. “…you know…who…has suffered an injury and will not be able to defend the title tonight.”

“What?” exclaimed Suave.

“You should say that he’s lying!” Media Muckers for America said. “Because everyone knows the right-wing lies!”

“How do you know that the champion is not injured?”

“See! You’re biased!”

“Justin Sufferable is pissed,” announced Suave, trying to move the commentary back to the action in the ring. “And he has every right to be!”

“Now you’re reading the talking points of the left wing extremists!” claimed News Bluster.

“No I’m not! I’m calling the action as I see it! And the way I see it, Justin Sufferable has every right in the world to be upset!”

“I object to you using the term right,” Media Muckers for America barked in Suave’s ear. “It alludes that the conservatives and American Patriots are-”

“THAT’S IT! I’VE HAD IT WITH YOU TWO.” Suave jumped up and grabbed both Media Muckers for America and News Bluster by the hair. Forcefully, he slammed their heads together…

*BONK*

…and knocked them both out.

Suave looked down at his handiwork. “There,” he said, looking very satisfied. “Much better.”

Inside the ring, the situation looked bleak for Justin Sufferable as he found himself completely surrounded by the American Patriots. A. Tom Bomb, aka A-Bomb, was on one side. Hy Drogen Bomb or H-Bomb faced Justin. ‘Silent but Deadly’ Newt Tron Bomb, aka N-Bomb, stood behind Sufferable. Dick and ‘The Mastermind’ Carl Rowe blocked any other escape route.

“This doesn’t look good!” Suave stated.

The Mastermind pointed a finger at his temple to again remind everyone just what a freakin’ genius he was. With Sufferable distracted by The Mastermind, A-Bomb launched himself at him and it was on. A-Bomb, H-Bomb, and N-Bomb stomped away at Sufferable while Dick and ‘The Mastermind’ cheered them. A-Bomb picked Sufferable up and slammed him hard to the canvas.

“HOLY CRAP! ATOMIC POWER BOMB!” shrieked Suave.

H-Bomb kept stomping away along with N-Bomb. A-Bomb pulled Sufferable back up and held him upright.

“Oh, I don’t like this!” Suave said.

“See,” a weak voice mumbled from the floor. “You’re-”

“Shut up!” said Suave as he stomped on News Bluster’s back. “They’re holding up Sufferable. Why are A-Bomb and N-Bomb putting on gas masks………oh, oh.”

Newt Tron Bomb turned his back on Sufferable and backed up his rear end into his face.

“Aw, man, he’s going for…oh-…oh my God! That smell- SILENT BUT DEADLY! SILENT BUT DEADLY! Geez…”

Overcome by the noxious fumes, Sufferable crumpled to the canvas.

Over the loudspeaker, the opening notes to the Fleetwood Mac classic “Don’t Stop” began to play.

“Wait a minute!” Suave excitedly said. “I know that song.”

A man dressed in a flannel shirt, holding a mocha in one hand and a Singapore cane in the other, stepped out of the shadows in the back.

“And I know that guy!” Suave added. “HE’S BACK!”

The crowd merrily sang along to the Fleetwood Mac song as the man dressed in flannel started towards the stage. In the ring, all three Bomb Brothers stopped assaulting Justin Sufferable to see who was causing the commotion.

“IT’S THE TREE HUGGIN’, MOCHA CHUGGIN,’ TOBACCO COMPANY BUGGIN,’ INSANE SINGAPORE CANE SWINGING ALPHA MALE AND EXTREME ENVIRONMENTAL HARDCORE ICON- AL GOHR!”

As the sing along continued, Gohr held up his mocha, contained inside an environmentally friendly biodegradable cup of course, and chugged it down. Gohr crushed the paper cup on his forehead in an alpha manly fashion. Gohr then spewed the mocha out of his mouth like a geyser going off and sprayed several tables in close proximity.

“Look at the expression on Dick’s face!” Suave commented. Dick’s eyes bulged out and what little hair on his head stood up straight.

Gohr moved up to the head of the stage and turned around to face the crowd. He pulled out another cup of mocha and held it high in the air. Again, Gohr chugged down the mocha, crushed the container against his forehead, and spit the mocha onto several tables. He jumped on stage without using the steps and advanced on the American Patriots inside the ring. Like most of the wrestlers who came out to confront someone, Gohr carried a microphone with him.

“You know, the Earth may someday cross the line of no return and suffer the devastating effects of global warming,” Gohr said, pointing at W. “But the inconvenient truth tonight is that you, W, have crossed the line!”

W mumbled something unintelligible back to the Extreme Environmental Hardcore Icon.

“You’ve gone too far. You see W. I know why the BCEW champion can’t wrestle tonight,” Gohr calmly continued. “The real reason the champ isn’t here is because he dropped dead from abusing steroids and right now is hanging up in the freezer here at Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon!”

“HOLY CRAP!” Suave said. “THE CHAMP IS DEAD?”

W’s eyes were ablaze with fury.

“That is categorically not true!” he indignantly responded. W turned to his aide de camp. “Dick! Tell them it’s not true.”

Dick hemmed, hawed, and generally avoided answering the question.

Gohr pulled out a remote control from his back pocket. “Don’t believe me? That’s okay.” He pointed over to the big screen TV just off to the side of the ring. “Watch this.”

“I have a feeling I’m not going to like this,” an increasingly nauseous Carolanne Wilson muttered.

“Well,” Trevor said, “I guess it depends how far they decide to take it.”

The big screen TV blipped on. A waitress carrying a tray back in the kitchen area opened up the freezer door.

“AIIEEEEEEEEEE!”

Her high-pitched scream pierced the air. The waitress let go of her tray and it plummeted to the ground. Beer mugs and bottles shattered all over the floor. Her eyes rolled up into the back of head. She let out a gasp and suddenly fainted. When the waitress fell out of the shot, through the open door very clearly was the icicle covered, blue skinned, frozen body of BCEW champion Rafael Barry Gambee.

Carolanne covered her eyes. “Yep, I was right.”

———

J.D. Elder’s new novel Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction features BCEW/PCW and several characters in the story. Check out this funny and occasionally biting satire at:
http://www.bucklandcounty.com/
Lulu.com
Barnes and Noble
Borders
Books A Million

…or order it direct from: Prairie Depot Press
P.O. Box 25
Wauseon, Ohio 43567

Official Press Release from Prairie Depot Press

Prairie Depot Press- Adventures in Low Budget, Small Time Book Publishing

BCEW is online at:
WordPress
Blogger.com
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5/6- Political Championship Wrestling- Hillary’s last stand. The BCS still sucks. The birth of PCW.

BCEW HOOSIER HOUSE PARTY– May 6th from Fort Wayne, Indiana
Host: Johnny Suave

BCEW OVERVIEW (for the uninitiated)
Crowd: “BCEW!…BCEW!”

Johnny Suave: “We are LIVE in Fort Wayne, Indiana for BCEW Hoosier House Party! I am Johnny Suave and in just a few minutes, BCEW owner Bubba Jackson will make a huge announcement. But first, let’s go to a BCEW house show this past Saturday night at ‘The Thunderdome’ in Archbold, Ohio. The BCEW Tag Team Titles were on the line and this is what happened…”

REPLAY- BCEW TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH BETWEEN A. TOM and HY DROGEN BOMB © w/Newt Tron Bomb (American Patriots) vs. JACK SCHETT AND BULL SCHETT w/Horst Schett (Progressive Alliance)
A-Bomb pummels Jack Schett in the corner. H-Bomb and Bull Schett brawl outside the ring. Jack slumps in the corner and A-Bomb goes for the Atomic Power Bomb. He lifts Jack in the air when a German Schnauzer suddenly appears in the ring. The dog bares its teeth and barks menacingly at A-Bomb. The referee tries to shoo the dog away but ends up running for his life when the dog begins to chase him.

In the midst of the confusion, Jack Schett reverses the set up for the Atomic Power Bomb and delivers the Schett Brick on A-Bomb. Horst Schett calls the dog out of the ring and the animal obeys. The referee counts the pinfall and we have new BCEW Tag Team champions.

WINNER AND NEW BCEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: JACK SCHETT AND BULL SCHETT

Suave announces that Jack and Bull Schett will defend the tag team belts in a rematch against A-Bomb and H-Bomb tonight.

MATCH #1- BCEW TAG TEAM TITLE RETURN BOUT: JACK SCHETT AND BULL SCHETT © w/Horst Schett (Progressive Alliance) vs. A. TOM BOMB AND HY DROGEN BOMB w/Newt Tron Bomb (American Patriots)
H-Bomb is totally pissed off about what happened Saturday night and doesn’t wait for the bell. He attacks Bull Schett while A-Bomb and Jack Schett lock up. H-Bomb clubs away on Bull in the corner. Bull tries to fight his way out but H-Bomb lariats the living hell out of him. Jack Schett cheap shots H-Bomb from behind. Then A-Bomb puts Jack in a half nelson and drives him hard into the corner turnbuckle. Suplex. Suplex. A-Bomb then heaves Jack through the ropes.

Horst Schett walks out with the German Schnauzer and parks himself next to Johnny Suave at the announcer’s table. Horst: “This is our dog. As you can see, he’s very, very mean and vicious.” The Schnauzer playfully and affectionately licks Horst’s face. Suave: “He doesn’t look all that scary. What’s his name?” Horst: “Hans Gruber.” Suave: “Hans Gruber? You named this mean and vicious dog after the guy who wrote ‘Silent Night?’ Horst slams his fist down. Horst: “NINE! HE’S NOT NAMED AFTER SOME WIMPY COMPOSER OF CHRISTMAS MUSIC! HE’S NAMED AFTER ONE OF THE GREATEST GERMAN CINEMATIC VILLIANS OF ALL TIME- HANS GRUBER! DIE HARD- THE MOVIE!” Suave: “Oh…”

A screeching woman’s voice interrupts. Peta from PETA comes out with the rest of the Green World Order (Extreme Vegan Brock Cole Lee, GreenPete, PeaceNick) and confronts Horst Schett over the misuse of Hans Gruber as a weapon to help them gain the BCEW Tag Team title. Peta: “You’re just as bad as that jockey who pushed that poor horse Eight Belles on two broken ankles at the Kentucky Derby. You ought to be ashamed of yourself for- ARRGHHH!” Horst sics Hans Gruber on Peta and chases her all around the ring. PeaceNick climbs on the ring apron to protest the extreme violence in brutality in BCEW political wrestling. This as Jack Schett uses a cheese grater on H-Bomb’s forehead and blood flows all over the place.

A-Bomb sets up a table outside the ring and drags an equally bloody Bull Schett over. A-Bomb prepares to Atomic Power Bomb Bull through the table when Peta from PETA flies by with Hans Gruber in hot pursuit and causes him to flinch. A second later, Horst Schett blasts A-Bomb with a steel-folding chair. PeaceNick continues to shout out anti-violence slogan on the ring apron. Jack Schett low blows A-Bomb in desperation and then whips him into the ropes. A-Bomb plows into PeaceNick, sending him flying backwards off the ring apron and through the table. Crowd: “BCEW!…BCEW!”

A-Bomb shoulder blocks Jack and then Newt Tron Bomb races over and sticks his ass in Jack’s face. Suave: “HE’S GOING FOR THE SILENT BUT DEADLY!……quick, someone get me a gas mask.” Out of nowhere, Hans Gruber skips into the ring and launches himself at N-Bomb’s ass. N-Bomb: “AAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Suave: “HOLY CRAP! THAT BITE’S GOING TO LEAVE A MARK!” Jack hits the Schett Brick on A-Bomb, covers, and gets the pin.

WINNER AND STILL BCEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: JACK SCHETT AND BULL SCHETT

The crowd chants ‘BULL-S#$#!’ Bull takes the mic. Bull: “Hey, you’re chanting my name!” Suave: “No, Bull. Not quite.” Suave then recaps another match that took place earlier in the night.

REPLAY- JIMMY FROM SO CAL
Jimmy from SoCal is pissed off because he wasn’t chosen to be in the 2008 Jim Rome Smack-Off. Jimmy: “My smack is tight. My takes are epic. I should have received an invite to the Smack-Off!” Jimmy promises to take his frustrations out on his opponent tonight. Then former BCEW Television champion ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido comes out. Suave: “Speaking of being pissed off, Escondido’s still upset over Big Oil Pearl Harboring him last week on BCEW Extreme Political TV to take the title.”

REPLAY OF THE MATCH: JIMMY FROM SO CAL (Jobber) vs. ‘No Frills’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO (Independent)
Jimmy tries but in the end he gets racked……torture racked that is. Escondido makes Jimmy tap out. Suave: “Jimmy from SoCal ejects and runs himself! He is OUT!”

WINNER: ‘No Frills’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO

Suave also mentions another incident that took place at the BCEW house show at the Thunderdome. Kirk Walstreit, Wall Street Market Analyst with a man crush on ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit, calls out Big Oil.

REPLAY- KIRK WALSTREIT AND BIG OIL THIS PAST SATURDAY NIGHT
Walstreit in the ring. Big Oil walks out with his manager, Texas Tex, who pushes a wheelbarrow overflowing with money. Walstreit announces that Exxon/Mobil reported a 10.9 billion dollar first quarter profit. Walstreit: “Big Oil, I hate to tell you this but…that’s not good enough.” Big Oil hangs his head. Walstreit: “It doesn’t meet Wall Street’s expectations.” Big Oil: “I agree. I guess that means that gas prices aren’t high enough.” Predictably, the crowd boos. Big Oil calls the crowd ‘delusional’ and brags that once the summer months get here, gas prices will increase again and they should meet Wall Street expectations. More boos follow. Big Oil laughs. Big Oil: “Boo all you want. It doesn’t matter because you know damn well that you’re so addicted to your cars that you’ll pay- OOOFF!”

Big Oil gets interrupted by Average Joe and the American Trucker (formerly Mike the Mechanic) who jump him from behind. American Trucker takes out Big Oil’s legs and Average Joe takes a can of oil and bashes him in the head with it. Walstreit tries to help but American Trucker kicks him in the groin and then takes Walstreit’s autographed picture of ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit, framed and all, and breaks it over his head.

Suave: “Average Joe and the American Trucker. Sticking up for the little guys.”

BCEW Owner Bubba Jackson arrives in the ring to make his big announcement. He tells the BCEW faithful that it’s been a wonderful three years and that they’ve come a long way since the first BCEW pay per view show, Loose Cannons Unleashed in March, 2005. Bubba: “But now, it’s time to take the next step. And with that step means we’re branching out a little farther and, more importantly, necessitates a name change.” Crowd seems mildly confused. Bubba: “Starting tonight, BCEW is no more; PCW- Political Championship Wrestling is born!” Bubba reassures everyone that Buckland County, and especially Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon and the now, PCW Hall, will remain the emotional heart and soul of PCW. Bubba: “But, we are on the way to bigger and better things!”

BACKSTAGE
The Chaotic Alliance of Convenience meets. Rush Limbaugh. Big Oil with Texas Tex. Triple R. Suave quickly recaps the formation of ‘Limbaugh’s unholy alliance’ to put Hillary Clinton over as the Progressive Alliance nominee. Limbaugh thinks HRC would be easier for John McCain to defeat for BCEW CEO. Big Oil is doing it for the money. Triple R wants the PCW Title now held by Starz N. Stripes of the American Patriots. Triple R tells Big Oil now that he’s got ‘his belt’ (PCW Television championship) that his job is to soften up the PCW Champion so he can defeat him next month at next months Loose Cannons Unleashed 4 pay per view after Triple R takes care of O’Beck Bahama tonight. Big Oil becomes annoyed and begins to respond. Limbaugh slips him another envelope full of cash and calms the big guy down.

MATCH #2 PCW WOMEN’S TITLE: “Media Empress” OPAL WINFREE © w/Opal’s Flock- New Age Sensitive Guy and Soccer Mom (Progressive Alliance) vs. BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl TESSA MARTIN w/Daisy Cutter-Bomb and Tequila Sheila of the 3 Amigas (Independent)
Suave: “No Barack Obama tonight. Tessa Martin has slowly climbed up the ladder and with the injury to Kathryn Randall Collins has earned a title shot. The question is, is Tessa ready to take the next step?” The answer is: we won’t find out tonight.

Before the bell, Hillary Clinton sends in her Political Pitbulls (James Carville, Terry McAuliffe), Barbra Streisand, Indiana Senator Evan Bayh, and the CAC to disrupt the match. Opal’s Flock gets taken out; so does the 3 Amigas. Hillary gets on the mic and asks, “What part of ‘I’m going all the way’ does everyone not understand?” Hillary states tonight is a ‘game-changing’ night. Hillary: “And when Triple R defeats O’Beck Bahama, again, the Progressive Alliance will see that I’m in it to win it. They’ll see that only I am tough enough to stand up to the American Patriots and John McCain! I’m tested. I’m ready.” Hillary defiantly throws down the mic and leaves with her crew.

Suave starts to introduce the next match when someone comes out and interrupts him. Suave: “Okay? What the hell is Jim Delany, the commissioner of the Big 10, doing out here?
BIG TEN COMMISSIONER (AND BCS APOLOGIST) JIM DELANY SEGMENT
Delany congratulates PCW for changing from a small regional name to something more mainstream and bigger. Delany: “You see, you have to think…big. Like the Big 10. The Big 12. The Big East. Just like the ‘big’ BCS. You have to separate yourselves from the bottom feeders. Just like the BCS conference school have separated themselves from the non-BCS schools. Sure, they’re good for the occasional upset when we take them too lightly. But most of the time, we like paying them big bucks to come into our stadiums and get their ass kicked up and down the football field. Everyone knows bigger is better and like PCW is better than BCEW; the BCS is superior to the non-BCS-”

*Def Leppard’s ‘Rock, Rock, Til You Drop blares over the sound system*

The crowd stands and cheers as the Extreme Equalizer, Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, runs down to the ring. Delany tries to get out but WTF grabs him by the scruff of the neck and pulls him back in. Suave: “ YES!” WTF kicks Delany in the balls, sets him up for the power bomb, and then sends out of the ring through the announcer’s table. Crowd: “PCW!…PCW!”

MATCH #3 ‘The New Rookie Sensation’ O’BECK BAHAMA w/Barack Obama, Arianna Huffington and the Angry Left Wing Bloggers-Daily Kos, Media Matters For America, Eric Alterman (Progressive Alliance) vs. ‘The Angry Highway Warrior’ TRIPLE R w/Hillary Clinton and the Clinton Political Pitbulls- James Carville, Terry McAuliffe, The Chaotic Alliance of Convenience- Rush Limbaugh, Big Oil w/Texas Tex
Suave:
“Well? Here we go again.” The bell rings and Triple R charges at Bahama. Bahama slidesteps out of the way and Triple R crashes into the turnbuckle. Daily Kos reaches over and delivers a couple cheap shots. Kicks to the back by Bahama on Triple R drops him down to a sitting position. Daily Kos and Media Matters grab a leg and crotch Triple R against the ring post. Bahama climbs up the turnbuckle and hits a 450 splash. Cover. 2-count. Bahama pushes Triple R back into the corner where the Left Wing Bloggers again interfere. Standing drop kick by Bahama. Wicked chops follow leaving red welts on Triple R’s chest. DDT. Cover. Triple R kicks out at 2. Whip into the ropes, belly to belly Suplex by Bahama. Again, a cover. This time, Carville and McAuliffe hit the ring and stop the count.

Triple R whips Bahama into his corner. Bahama tries to move. Big Oil grabs both legs, freezing him in place. Spinning heel kick by Triple R nearly decapitates Bahama. Cover. 2 count. Triple R tosses Bahama over the top rope into the clutches of the Political Pitbulls. Suave: “That’s not a good place to be.” Carville and McAuliffe attack. They hold Bahama up and Big Oil hits a running clothesline. Arianna Huffington screams at the Clinton Cabal. Finally, the Angry Left Wing Bloggers attack on both sides and it’s a mess.

Bahama stumbles out of the scrum. Triple R staggers out a couple seconds later. Triple R sets his sights on Bahama. The Rev. Jeremiah Wright runs in with a chair, again, but this time Barack Obama cuts him off at the pass. Obama sends Rev. Wright back to the locker room. Triple R grabs Bahama and throws him back into the ring. Big Oil also emerges from the scrum and he climbs into the ring. Triple R suplexes Bahama. Body slam. Bahama in trouble. Triple R whips him into the ropes, another body slam. Triple R then gestures to Big Oil to ‘finish him.’ Big Oil picks up Bahama and chokeslams him. Hillary climbs up on the ring apron. Limbaugh also comes up close to watch on the other side. Triple R goes for the cover. 1…2… Suave: “NO! HE KICKED OUT!” Triple R is furious. He directs Big Oil to deliver another chokeslam. Big Oil picks Bahama up…and throws him into Triple R, driving them both into the ropes. Suave: “WHAT IS HE DOING?” Texas Tex throws in a chair for Big Oil. Big Oil winds up. Limbaugh suddenly pulls Bahama out of the way and Big Oil clocks Triple R with the chair. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Hillary can’t believe what just happened. Chokeslam follows. Big Oil puts Bahama on top for the cover. Hillary tries to keep the referee from counting the pin. No avail. The Angry Left Wing Bloggers keep the Clinton Political Pitbulls at bay. 1…2…3.

WINNER: O’BECK BAHAMA w/Barack Obama

Limbaugh gets into the ring and says this whole thing was a work. He only supported Hillary to disrupt the Progressive Alliance and produce the weakest candidate possible to face the American Patriots John McCain in the fall for PCW CEO. Limbaugh: “I only wanted to keep the divisive fight going between Obama and Clinton. Now I believe that Barack Obama is the weakest candidate of the Progressive Alliance. Operation Chaos is an unmitigated success!” With that, Limbaugh leaves a stunned Hillary Clinton mouthing ‘why?’

*YEEEEEEEE-AHHHHHHHHHHHH!*

The leader of the Progressive Alliance, ‘The American Screamer’ Howard Dean, enters the ring and inspects the carnage. He looks at Hillary. Dean: “I think we’ve seen just about enough.” Dean leaves with Hillary following right behind. Hillary: “Howard! Wait! It’s not over yet. I can still win this.”

Triple R comes to. He sees Big Oil and Texas Tex standing by the guardrail, waiting for his match against PCW Champion Starz N. Stripes. He grabs a chair and attacks Big Oil. Chairshot. Chairshot. Texas Tex tries to intervene and gets leveled by a chairshot. More chairshots on Big Oil, who wilts to the ground. Suave: “HE’S SNAPPED! TRIPLE R IS FURIOUS AND HE’S BEATING THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF BIG OIL!” Triple R takes Texas Tex’s golden money belt and wraps it around Big Oil’s throat. Suave: “HE’S CHOKING HIM!” Several referees come down to try and pry Triple R off Big Oil. Triple R takes them all out with chairshots and then chokes Big Oil with the money belt again.

PCW Champion Starz N. Stripes arrives for his match. Triple R sees him and drags Big Oil over to the ring. He rolls him inside and then climbs up the turnbuckle. Suicide dive. Triple R: “He’s all yours.”

MATCH #4 PCW TITLE MATCH: STARZ N. STRIPES © (American Patriots) vs. BIG OIL w/Texas Tex (American Patriots)
Starz sticks his boot on Big Oil’s chest. 1…2…3.

WINNER AND STILL PCW CHAMPION: STARZ N. STRIPES

Suave: “RUSH LIMBAUGH DOUBLE CROSSES HILLARY. THE CLINTON CABAL MAY BE TOAST! ONE MONTH TO GO BEFORE THE FINAL PCW PAY PER VIEW OF THE SEASON- LOOSE CANNONS UNLEASHED 4!”

———

J.D. Elder’s new novel Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction features BCEW/PCW and several characters in the story. Check out this funny and occasionally biting satire at:
www.bucklandcounty.com
Lulu.com
Barnes and Noble
Borders
Books A Million

…or order it direct from: Prairie Depot Press
P.O. Box 25
Wauseon, Ohio 43567

Official Press Release from Prairie Depot Press

Prairie Depot Press- Adventures in Low Budget, Small Time Book Publishing

BCEW is online at:
WordPress
Blogger.com
AOL

4/22- BCEW Keystone State Khaos- The Moment of Truth

BCEW KEYSTONE STATE KHAOS- THE MOMENT OF TRUTH– April 22th
From Pittsburgh, PA
Host: Johnny Suave

Crowd: “BCEW!…BCEW!”

Johnny Suave: “Welcome to BCEW Tourstop Across America show #9 right here in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania!” Suave is joined in the ring by a lifesize, cardboard cut-out of Danica Patrick. Suave: “One night after some big time, corporately run wrestling company had this…match between two people dressed like Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, tonight, we’re going to show everyone what true extreme political wrestling is all about!” Crowd: “BCEW!…BCEW!” Suave runs down the earlier action.

BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl TESSA MARTIN (Independent) vs. ‘Defense Expert’ HALLIE BURTON (American Patriots)
BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin continued her impressive run of victories by knocking off ‘Defense Expert’ Hallie Burton. Neal Conn (making foreign policy as paramount responsibility of government, seeing the need for the U.S. acting as the world’s sole superpower as indispensable to establishing and maintaining global order) tried to interfere on Burton’s behalf but Martin’s 3 Amiga compadre, Daisy Cutter-Bomb, stopped him and delivered her devastating Daisy Cutter Power Bomb on Conn. The BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl finished off the Defense Expert with a well placed oversized pizza box to the mush (complete with road sign inside).

THE SCHMITT BROTHERS JOIN THE PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE
Last week, Progressive Alliance leader ‘American Screamer’ Howard Dean wooed Jack, Bull, and Horst Schmitt to come to their side. Tonight, the Schmitt Brothers cement the agreement by attacking A. Tom and Hy Drogen Bomb after they successfully defended the BCEW Tag Team Titles against FUBAR and SNAFU. In the ring, Dean declares the Schmitts the strongest tag team the Progressive Alliance have had in the stable in the three years of BCEW. The Schmitts themselves announce that they are changing their last name to Schett. Why? According to Jack Schett, ‘to make the obvious pun even more glaringly obvious.’ Suave: “Great. As if their last name wasn’t obnoxious enough to begin with.”

No schett.

Jimmy from So Cal comes out and starts running smack, trying to play his way into the Jim Rome Smack Off on Friday. Jimmy pimps his smack and his wrestling ability and lays out an open challenge to any ‘scrub in the back.’ Much to Jimmy’s dismay, it’s BCEW Champion Starz N. Stripes who answers the call.

BCEW CHAMPION STARZ N. STRIPES (American Patriots) vs. JIMMY FROM SO CAL (jobber)
Unfortunately, Jimmy from So Cal gloriously flames out. He does not get racked and the BCEW champion runs him to get the win.

Suave celebrates the real Danica Patrick’s first Indy Racing League victory over the weekend in Japan. Several people in the front row bow down in homage to the road racing hottie.

THE GREEN WORLD ORDER CELEBRATES EARTH DAY
Peta from PETA comes out and kicks Suave and the life-size cardboard cut-out of Danica out of the ring. She brings out her brother Peter (no relation to GreenPete) from PETA and the rest of the Green World Order (GreenPete, Extreme Vegan Brock Cole Lee, and PeaceNick) to celebrate Earth Day. After Peta rips into the crowd for their wasteful, irresponsible ways, BCEW employee Skank Mitchell walks to the ring. Skank wants to celebrate ‘Moon’ Day. Peta: “Moon Day? What the hell is Moon Day?” Skank tells her he’ll show her. Then he climbs into the ring, turns his back to the GWO, and then pulls down his pants. Crowd: “BCEW!…BCEW!” Suave: “Well? You could say that the accumulation of cellulite and pimples on his ass is an accurate reflection of the surface of the moon.”

Peta gets incensed and has Peter throw Skank out of the ring. This brings out Politically Incorrect- Nic Koteen and Al Cahall. Cahall pulls out a grill. Koteen tells the Green World Order he enjoys the earth just as much as they do. Koteen: “I enjoy everything that the earth has to offer.” Then he lights up a cigarette. Cahall fires up the grill. Peter from PETA confronts Cahall over the grill. Koteen introduces a new member of Politically Incorrect- Hunter the Hunter. Hunter is fresh from a one week vacation up at Ted Nugent’s spread and comes out lugging a shotgun and a bear trap. Hunter challenges Peter to a match. Peter accepts.

MATCH #1- HUNTER THE HUNTER of Politically Incorrect (Independent) vs. PETER FROM PETA of the Green World Order (Independent)
Hunter puts the bear trap in the corner and locks up with Peter from PETA. They trade shots back and forth. Hunter grabs a headlock on Peter and hits an inverted DDT. Peter tries to elbow out but gets bulldogged for his trouble. Peta from PETA shouts at Hunter from the outside. Koteen and Cahall grill brats, smoke cigarettes, and down some brew. Peter from PETA finally gets a little offense. But Hunter whips him into the corner. *CLACK* Peter: “AAARRRRGGHH!!! Suave: “BEAR TRAP! BEAR TRAP! HE’S GOT HIM IN THE BEAR TRAP! WOW! THAT LOOKS…PAINFUL.” Peter desperately tries to release his foot from the trap. The referee asks him if he wants to tap out. The GWO screams at the ref to break the hold. Peter hangs on. Hunter takes the shotgun, shouts ‘THIS ONE’S FOR CHARLTON HESTON,’ and waffles Peter from PETA in the forehead with the butt end. Cover and pin.

WINNER: HUNTER THE HUNTER

Politically Incorrect celebrates with brats and beer. The Green World Order tend to Peter from PETA as paramedics come out to release the trap and work on his foot. PeaceNick angrily confronts the referee. PeaceNick: “What kind of barbaric organization would allow someone to use a bear trap in a match?” The ref points at the BCEW banner above the ring. Referee: “Well, the name does say ‘extreme’ doesn’t it.”

Suave announces that NBA star, Utah Jazz forward, Andrei Kirilenko, is in the building. Suave goes over to shake his hand but Kirilenko flops to the floor, writhing and moaning as if he’d been pole-axed. Suave: “O-kay.”

Howard Dean sits both Barack and Hillary down in his office. Barack stews as he picks at a plate of waffles. Barack: “Why can’t I just eat my waffle?” Dean is worried that the blood-feud that’s boiled between the two is causing some divisions within the Progressive Alliance. Dean: “We have a golden opportunity to get the BCEW CEO spot and you two are tearing the Progressive Alliance apart!” Both Barack and Hillary try to blame the other but Dean isn’t having any of it. He wants the pitched battle to be toned down dramatically and tells Hillary to keep the CAC in line. Dean makes it clear that he wants no interference in the final two matches of the night. Dean: “One of you will be chosen to be the next leader of the Progressive Alliance. Let the process play out.” Both Barack and Hillary reluctantly agree. Barack leaves but Dean asks Hillary to stay behind. Dean: “Hillary, if you lose both matches tonight, you really need to think about dropping out.”

MATCH #2 BCEW WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH- ‘Media Empress’ OPAL WINFREE © w/Barack Obama and Opal’s Flock- Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy (Progressive Alliance) vs. KATHRYN RANDALL COLLINS…KRC w/Hillary Clinton and the Clinton Political Pitbulls- James Carville and Terry McAuliffe (Progressive Alliance)
Suave:
“Well, the ‘American Screamer’ Howard Dean has decreed that the Obama and Clinton sides are to keep away from each other and not interfere. We’ll see how long that lasts.” Hillary claps her hands to urge KRC on. In between bites of his waffles, Barack tells Opal to be audacious for hope…or something to that effect. The bell rings and both women come out circling each other. Single leg take down by KRC followed with an arm bar. KRC wrenches the arm and then grapevines the legs for an early submission attempt. Opal uses her strength to power out. Quick sequence of chain wrestling with neither woman gaining the advantage. KRC launches herself into the ropes and ducks a lariat. Coming off the other ropes, Opal catches her and hits a sit down slam. KRC quickly scurries from the ring. The crowd cheers their approval.

KRC confers with Hillary and then goes back to work. Lock up in the middle. Opal grabs an arm bar and pushes KRC into the corner. Whip across to the other corner. Opal goes for the splash but KRC ducks out of the way. Opal staggers back. Missile drop kick by KRC backs her up. Missile drop kick #2 nearly takes her off her feet. Missile drop kick #3 finally does. KRC climbs the turnbuckle. Obama puts his plate of waffles down and starts pounding his hands on the mat. KRC suddenly loses her balance and crotches herself on the top turnbuckle. HRC is livid and starts shouting at Barack. Barack: “I was just trying to cheer my wrestler on!” Hillary doesn’t buy it and the Clinton Political Pitbulls begin to confer. Opal suplexes KRC. Running bulldog to one end. Running bulldog back to the other. Belly to belly suplex. KRC grabs the rope but Opal is too strong and hits a third belly to belly. Opal climbs the turnbuckle. Hillary wheels around and she starts pounding on the canvas. Opal sees her and hesitates. KRC scrambles up and face plants her from the top rope. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!”

Barack screams at Hillary. Hillary: “I was just urging my wrestler on!” Opal’s Flock- Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy, start to jaw and point at the Clinton Political Pitbulls- McAuliffe and Carville. KRC slaps on the Boston Crab. She wrenches Opal’s legs backwards and BCEW Women’s champion is in a world of hurt. Opal paws at the ropes and towards Barack. Obama puts the plate down on the canvas. Opal stretches out to grab the plate. She gets closer…closer…and finally she latches on to it. Opal breaks the hold by breaking the plate on KRC’s face. Hillary: “What the hell is that?” Opal still not in good shape. KRC gets the plate and breaks it over her head. Suave: “WE COULD HAVE A NEW CHAMPION! OPAL WINFREE IS IN BIG TROUBLE!” KRC leads Winfree to the corner and guides her up the turnbuckle. Suave: “She’s setting the champion up the superplex!” KRC has her set. Suddenly, Opal counters with a top rope DDT. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! DID YOU SEE THAT? SHE JUST KILLED KRC!” Opal covers…and holds on to the title.

WINNER AND STILL BCEW WOMEN’S CHAMPION: “Media Empress” OPAL WINFREE

Hillary fumes as Barack celebrates with Winfree. Bill Clinton joins Hillary and wags his finger at the referee. Bill Clinton: “I don’t think we have to put up with this @#$#.

Suave again recaps the formation of the Chaotic Alliance of Convenience consisting of Big Oil and Rush Limbaugh from the American Patriots and Triple R (Road Rage Randy) of the Progressive Alliance. The alliance was formed with one single goal- to promote Hillary Clinton as the new leader of the Progressive Alliance. Suave: “Let’s look back again at how the CAC was formed.

REPLAY OF STARZ N. STRIPES- O’BECK BAHAMA from BCEW Night of Champions on 4/1

The bell rings. Starz and Bahama lock up. And Triple R runs in and belts Bahama in the back. Dean, Pelosi, and Reid are swallowed by the scrum as the Left Wing Bloggers surge ahead and engage the Clinton Political Pitbulls. Triple R kicks away at Bahama. Triple R then turns and takes a couple shots at the BCEW champion. Suave: “IT’S TOTAL PANDEOMONIUM HERE!” Triple R wails away at Starz in the corner. Big Oil shows up out of nowhere. Suave: “BIG OIL’S OUT HERE TO EVEN THE ODDS!” The big guy rumbles into the ring. He looks at Triple R. He looks at Starz. He lifts Starz up and chokeslams him to the canvas. Suave: “WHAT? BIG OIL JUST CHOKESLAMMED THE BCEW CHAMPION! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?” Triple R nods and piledrives Bahama. Then both men throw Starz and Bahama out of the ring. Suave: “WHY? WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?” MAN’S VOICE: “I’ll tell you.”The Innovator of Extreme Broadcast Excellence Rush Limbaugh saunters out and joins Big Oil in the ring. Limbaugh: “That’s right. It is I. El Rushbo. The Massrushbi. Talent on loan from God. I’m behind this.” Suave can’t believe it. Limbaugh explains that sometimes, in order to further your agenda you have to make business decisions that involve getting involved with people you wouldn’t normally associate with. Suave: “Huh?” Limbaugh: “Tonight, my friends. You’ve watched my plan come together with the beginning of a new and unique alliance with one single goal- promoting Hillary Clinton as the Progressive Alliance’s nominee for BCEW CEO.” Suave: “WHAT?” Limbaugh: “That’s right. Tonight, you have witnessed the birth of the CHAOTIC ALLIANCE OF CONVENIENCE!” Big Oil and Triple R raise each others arm. Suave: “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. I DON’T BELIEVE IT!” Limbaugh joins Big Oil on one side and Hillary joins Triple R on the other. Suave: “I DON’T BELIEVE WHAT I’M SEEING! BIG OIL! TRIPLE R! THE TWO BIGGEST A-HOLES IN BCEW HAVE JOINED TOGETHER IN AN UNHOLY ALLIANCE TO GET HILLARY CLINTON THE PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE NOMINATION!”

Backstage, Triple R and Big Oil discuss business. Big Oil makes it clear that he’s only in this for his own selfish gain. Triple R replies that he’s also only in it this for his selfish gain. He wants the BCEW Title and feels the only way to get there is with Hillary Clinton leading the way. Big Oil tells Triple R he also wants the BCEW Title. But money talks and Rush Limbaugh has made a generous contribution to Big Oil’s 401K for his support to help prop up Hillary against Barack Obama. Big Oil: “Once our objective has been met, I’m coming after the title.” Triple R nods.

Heading towards the ring, Limbaugh leads Big Oil while Hillary and Bill walk behind Triple R. Bill and Hillary glance at each other and smile. Suave: “This is just too weird.”

Barack Obama and O’Beck Bahama follow.

MATCH #3 ‘The New Rookie Sensation’ O’BECK BAHAMA w/Barack Obama (Progressive Alliance) vs. TRIPLE R (Road Rage Randy) w/Hillary Clinton (Progressive Alliance)
The bell rings and Triple R immediately sprints across the ring. He rams Bahama’s face into the ring post and immediately busts him wide open. Bahama sinks to the canvas and Triple R kicks away at the gash above Bahama’s eye. Then he bites it. Triple R drags him up and taunts Obama. He throws him through the ropes and Bahama splats on the floor. Big Oil immediately goes over and launches Bahama into the ring steps. Bahama laid out on the ring table. Triple R hits a triple jump moonsault and puts him through the table. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!”

Arianna Huffington races out with the Angry Left Wing Bloggers (Daily Kos, Media Matters For America, and Eric Alterman) to come to Bahama’s defense. Big Oil chokeslams Daily Kos. Chokeslam to Media Matters. Alterman gets a shot in. Then he eats a powerbomb on the floor. The Clinton Political Pitbulls (James Carville and Terry McAuliffe) join in and it’s another free for all outside the ring. The referee tries to restore order and HE gets chokeslammed by Big Oil. Triple R blasts a chairshot over Bahama’s head. Chairshot to the back. Another. Arianna screams at Triple R to stop. Big Oil sets up a table on the outside and climbs up to the top rope. Triple R drapes Bahama across the table. Suave: “This could be it!”

BCEW Champion Starz N. Stripes comes out and pulls Bahama off the table. Rush Limbaugh becomes apoplectic. Rush: “What are you doing? No. Wait! Stop!” Limbaugh can only watch as Starz then face plants Big Oil from the top rope through the table. Rush: “NOOOOOOO!!” Suave: “He’s dead. Forget it.” Crowd: “BCEW!…BCEW!” Suave: “Sweet revenge for what happened to Starz two weeks ago at BCEW Night of Champions.” The BCEW champ fights his way through Triple R and the Political Pitbulls and escapes to the back. Big Oil is busted open big time. The referee is out. Hillary screams at Triple R to finish the job. Triple R throws Bahama back in the ring. Suave: “We need a ref in there really…WAIT! IT’S ABC’S CHARLIE GIBSON AND GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS…AND THEY’RE WEARING REFEREE SHIRTS!” Barack immediately climbs up on the ring apron and heatedly complains about what’s going on. Gibson and Stephanopoulos listen as Triple R sits Bahama in the corner and puts a chair by his face. Barack screams at them to stop him. By the time Gibson and Stephanopoulos turn around, Triple R dropkicks the chair into Bahama. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Triple R covers. Both Gibson and Stephanopoulos count it out. Game over.

WINNER: TRIPLE R

Hillary climbs into the ring with Bill and declares the ‘tide is turning.’ Bill nods.

————–

J.D. Elder’s new novel Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction features BCEW and several characters in the story. Check out this funny and occasionally biting political satire at:
www.bucklandcounty.com
Lulu.com

Official Press Release from Prairie Depot Press

Prairie Depot Press- Adventures in Low Budget, Small Time Book Publishing
————-

BCEW is online at:
WordPress
Blogger.com
AOL

————

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