From Pittsburgh, PA
Host: Johnny Suave
Johnny Suave: “Welcome to BCEW Tourstop Across America show #9 right here in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania!” Suave is joined in the ring by a lifesize, cardboard cut-out of Danica Patrick. Suave: “One night after some big time, corporately run wrestling company had this…match between two people dressed like Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, tonight, we’re going to show everyone what true extreme political wrestling is all about!” Crowd: “BCEW!…BCEW!” Suave runs down the earlier action.
BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl TESSA MARTIN (Independent) vs. ‘Defense Expert’ HALLIE BURTON (American Patriots)
BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin continued her impressive run of victories by knocking off ‘Defense Expert’ Hallie Burton. Neal Conn (making foreign policy as paramount responsibility of government, seeing the need for the U.S. acting as the world’s sole superpower as indispensable to establishing and maintaining global order) tried to interfere on Burton’s behalf but Martin’s 3 Amiga compadre, Daisy Cutter-Bomb, stopped him and delivered her devastating Daisy Cutter Power Bomb on Conn. The BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl finished off the Defense Expert with a well placed oversized pizza box to the mush (complete with road sign inside).
THE SCHMITT BROTHERS JOIN THE PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE
Last week, Progressive Alliance leader ‘American Screamer’ Howard Dean wooed Jack, Bull, and Horst Schmitt to come to their side. Tonight, the Schmitt Brothers cement the agreement by attacking A. Tom and Hy Drogen Bomb after they successfully defended the BCEW Tag Team Titles against FUBAR and SNAFU. In the ring, Dean declares the Schmitts the strongest tag team the Progressive Alliance have had in the stable in the three years of BCEW. The Schmitts themselves announce that they are changing their last name to Schett. Why? According to Jack Schett, ‘to make the obvious pun even more glaringly obvious.’ Suave: “Great. As if their last name wasn’t obnoxious enough to begin with.”
Jimmy from So Cal comes out and starts running smack, trying to play his way into the Jim Rome Smack Off on Friday. Jimmy pimps his smack and his wrestling ability and lays out an open challenge to any ‘scrub in the back.’ Much to Jimmy’s dismay, it’s BCEW Champion Starz N. Stripes who answers the call.
BCEW CHAMPION STARZ N. STRIPES (American Patriots) vs. JIMMY FROM SO CAL (jobber)
Unfortunately, Jimmy from So Cal gloriously flames out. He does not get racked and the BCEW champion runs him to get the win.
Suave celebrates the real Danica Patrick’s first Indy Racing League victory over the weekend in Japan. Several people in the front row bow down in homage to the road racing hottie.
THE GREEN WORLD ORDER CELEBRATES EARTH DAY
Peta from PETA comes out and kicks Suave and the life-size cardboard cut-out of Danica out of the ring. She brings out her brother Peter (no relation to GreenPete) from PETA and the rest of the Green World Order (GreenPete, Extreme Vegan Brock Cole Lee, and PeaceNick) to celebrate Earth Day. After Peta rips into the crowd for their wasteful, irresponsible ways, BCEW employee Skank Mitchell walks to the ring. Skank wants to celebrate ‘Moon’ Day. Peta: “Moon Day? What the hell is Moon Day?” Skank tells her he’ll show her. Then he climbs into the ring, turns his back to the GWO, and then pulls down his pants. Crowd: “BCEW!…BCEW!” Suave: “Well? You could say that the accumulation of cellulite and pimples on his ass is an accurate reflection of the surface of the moon.”
Peta gets incensed and has Peter throw Skank out of the ring. This brings out Politically Incorrect- Nic Koteen and Al Cahall. Cahall pulls out a grill. Koteen tells the Green World Order he enjoys the earth just as much as they do. Koteen: “I enjoy everything that the earth has to offer.” Then he lights up a cigarette. Cahall fires up the grill. Peter from PETA confronts Cahall over the grill. Koteen introduces a new member of Politically Incorrect- Hunter the Hunter. Hunter is fresh from a one week vacation up at Ted Nugent’s spread and comes out lugging a shotgun and a bear trap. Hunter challenges Peter to a match. Peter accepts.
MATCH #1- HUNTER THE HUNTER of Politically Incorrect (Independent) vs. PETER FROM PETA of the Green World Order (Independent)
Hunter puts the bear trap in the corner and locks up with Peter from PETA. They trade shots back and forth. Hunter grabs a headlock on Peter and hits an inverted DDT. Peter tries to elbow out but gets bulldogged for his trouble. Peta from PETA shouts at Hunter from the outside. Koteen and Cahall grill brats, smoke cigarettes, and down some brew. Peter from PETA finally gets a little offense. But Hunter whips him into the corner. *CLACK* Peter: “AAARRRRGGHH!!! Suave: “BEAR TRAP! BEAR TRAP! HE’S GOT HIM IN THE BEAR TRAP! WOW! THAT LOOKS…PAINFUL.” Peter desperately tries to release his foot from the trap. The referee asks him if he wants to tap out. The GWO screams at the ref to break the hold. Peter hangs on. Hunter takes the shotgun, shouts ‘THIS ONE’S FOR CHARLTON HESTON,’ and waffles Peter from PETA in the forehead with the butt end. Cover and pin.
WINNER: HUNTER THE HUNTER
Politically Incorrect celebrates with brats and beer. The Green World Order tend to Peter from PETA as paramedics come out to release the trap and work on his foot. PeaceNick angrily confronts the referee. PeaceNick: “What kind of barbaric organization would allow someone to use a bear trap in a match?” The ref points at the BCEW banner above the ring. Referee: “Well, the name does say ‘extreme’ doesn’t it.”
Suave announces that NBA star, Utah Jazz forward, Andrei Kirilenko, is in the building. Suave goes over to shake his hand but Kirilenko flops to the floor, writhing and moaning as if he’d been pole-axed. Suave: “O-kay.”
Howard Dean sits both Barack and Hillary down in his office. Barack stews as he picks at a plate of waffles. Barack: “Why can’t I just eat my waffle?” Dean is worried that the blood-feud that’s boiled between the two is causing some divisions within the Progressive Alliance. Dean: “We have a golden opportunity to get the BCEW CEO spot and you two are tearing the Progressive Alliance apart!” Both Barack and Hillary try to blame the other but Dean isn’t having any of it. He wants the pitched battle to be toned down dramatically and tells Hillary to keep the CAC in line. Dean makes it clear that he wants no interference in the final two matches of the night. Dean: “One of you will be chosen to be the next leader of the Progressive Alliance. Let the process play out.” Both Barack and Hillary reluctantly agree. Barack leaves but Dean asks Hillary to stay behind. Dean: “Hillary, if you lose both matches tonight, you really need to think about dropping out.”
MATCH #2 BCEW WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH- ‘Media Empress’ OPAL WINFREE © w/Barack Obama and Opal’s Flock- Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy (Progressive Alliance) vs. KATHRYN RANDALL COLLINS…KRC w/Hillary Clinton and the Clinton Political Pitbulls- James Carville and Terry McAuliffe (Progressive Alliance)
Suave: “Well, the ‘American Screamer’ Howard Dean has decreed that the Obama and Clinton sides are to keep away from each other and not interfere. We’ll see how long that lasts.” Hillary claps her hands to urge KRC on. In between bites of his waffles, Barack tells Opal to be audacious for hope…or something to that effect. The bell rings and both women come out circling each other. Single leg take down by KRC followed with an arm bar. KRC wrenches the arm and then grapevines the legs for an early submission attempt. Opal uses her strength to power out. Quick sequence of chain wrestling with neither woman gaining the advantage. KRC launches herself into the ropes and ducks a lariat. Coming off the other ropes, Opal catches her and hits a sit down slam. KRC quickly scurries from the ring. The crowd cheers their approval.
KRC confers with Hillary and then goes back to work. Lock up in the middle. Opal grabs an arm bar and pushes KRC into the corner. Whip across to the other corner. Opal goes for the splash but KRC ducks out of the way. Opal staggers back. Missile drop kick by KRC backs her up. Missile drop kick #2 nearly takes her off her feet. Missile drop kick #3 finally does. KRC climbs the turnbuckle. Obama puts his plate of waffles down and starts pounding his hands on the mat. KRC suddenly loses her balance and crotches herself on the top turnbuckle. HRC is livid and starts shouting at Barack. Barack: “I was just trying to cheer my wrestler on!” Hillary doesn’t buy it and the Clinton Political Pitbulls begin to confer. Opal suplexes KRC. Running bulldog to one end. Running bulldog back to the other. Belly to belly suplex. KRC grabs the rope but Opal is too strong and hits a third belly to belly. Opal climbs the turnbuckle. Hillary wheels around and she starts pounding on the canvas. Opal sees her and hesitates. KRC scrambles up and face plants her from the top rope. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!”
Barack screams at Hillary. Hillary: “I was just urging my wrestler on!” Opal’s Flock- Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy, start to jaw and point at the Clinton Political Pitbulls- McAuliffe and Carville. KRC slaps on the Boston Crab. She wrenches Opal’s legs backwards and BCEW Women’s champion is in a world of hurt. Opal paws at the ropes and towards Barack. Obama puts the plate down on the canvas. Opal stretches out to grab the plate. She gets closer…closer…and finally she latches on to it. Opal breaks the hold by breaking the plate on KRC’s face. Hillary: “What the hell is that?” Opal still not in good shape. KRC gets the plate and breaks it over her head. Suave: “WE COULD HAVE A NEW CHAMPION! OPAL WINFREE IS IN BIG TROUBLE!” KRC leads Winfree to the corner and guides her up the turnbuckle. Suave: “She’s setting the champion up the superplex!” KRC has her set. Suddenly, Opal counters with a top rope DDT. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! DID YOU SEE THAT? SHE JUST KILLED KRC!” Opal covers…and holds on to the title.
WINNER AND STILL BCEW WOMEN’S CHAMPION: “Media Empress” OPAL WINFREE
Hillary fumes as Barack celebrates with Winfree. Bill Clinton joins Hillary and wags his finger at the referee. Bill Clinton: “I don’t think we have to put up with this @#$#.
Suave again recaps the formation of the Chaotic Alliance of Convenience consisting of Big Oil and Rush Limbaugh from the American Patriots and Triple R (Road Rage Randy) of the Progressive Alliance. The alliance was formed with one single goal- to promote Hillary Clinton as the new leader of the Progressive Alliance. Suave: “Let’s look back again at how the CAC was formed.
REPLAY OF STARZ N. STRIPES- O’BECK BAHAMA from BCEW Night of Champions on 4/1
Backstage, Triple R and Big Oil discuss business. Big Oil makes it clear that he’s only in this for his own selfish gain. Triple R replies that he’s also only in it this for his selfish gain. He wants the BCEW Title and feels the only way to get there is with Hillary Clinton leading the way. Big Oil tells Triple R he also wants the BCEW Title. But money talks and Rush Limbaugh has made a generous contribution to Big Oil’s 401K for his support to help prop up Hillary against Barack Obama. Big Oil: “Once our objective has been met, I’m coming after the title.” Triple R nods.
Heading towards the ring, Limbaugh leads Big Oil while Hillary and Bill walk behind Triple R. Bill and Hillary glance at each other and smile. Suave: “This is just too weird.”
Barack Obama and O’Beck Bahama follow.
MATCH #3 ‘The New Rookie Sensation’ O’BECK BAHAMA w/Barack Obama (Progressive Alliance) vs. TRIPLE R (Road Rage Randy) w/Hillary Clinton (Progressive Alliance)
The bell rings and Triple R immediately sprints across the ring. He rams Bahama’s face into the ring post and immediately busts him wide open. Bahama sinks to the canvas and Triple R kicks away at the gash above Bahama’s eye. Then he bites it. Triple R drags him up and taunts Obama. He throws him through the ropes and Bahama splats on the floor. Big Oil immediately goes over and launches Bahama into the ring steps. Bahama laid out on the ring table. Triple R hits a triple jump moonsault and puts him through the table. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!”
Arianna Huffington races out with the Angry Left Wing Bloggers (Daily Kos, Media Matters For America, and Eric Alterman) to come to Bahama’s defense. Big Oil chokeslams Daily Kos. Chokeslam to Media Matters. Alterman gets a shot in. Then he eats a powerbomb on the floor. The Clinton Political Pitbulls (James Carville and Terry McAuliffe) join in and it’s another free for all outside the ring. The referee tries to restore order and HE gets chokeslammed by Big Oil. Triple R blasts a chairshot over Bahama’s head. Chairshot to the back. Another. Arianna screams at Triple R to stop. Big Oil sets up a table on the outside and climbs up to the top rope. Triple R drapes Bahama across the table. Suave: “This could be it!”
BCEW Champion Starz N. Stripes comes out and pulls Bahama off the table. Rush Limbaugh becomes apoplectic. Rush: “What are you doing? No. Wait! Stop!” Limbaugh can only watch as Starz then face plants Big Oil from the top rope through the table. Rush: “NOOOOOOO!!” Suave: “He’s dead. Forget it.” Crowd: “BCEW!…BCEW!” Suave: “Sweet revenge for what happened to Starz two weeks ago at BCEW Night of Champions.” The BCEW champ fights his way through Triple R and the Political Pitbulls and escapes to the back. Big Oil is busted open big time. The referee is out. Hillary screams at Triple R to finish the job. Triple R throws Bahama back in the ring. Suave: “We need a ref in there really…WAIT! IT’S ABC’S CHARLIE GIBSON AND GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS…AND THEY’RE WEARING REFEREE SHIRTS!” Barack immediately climbs up on the ring apron and heatedly complains about what’s going on. Gibson and Stephanopoulos listen as Triple R sits Bahama in the corner and puts a chair by his face. Barack screams at them to stop him. By the time Gibson and Stephanopoulos turn around, Triple R dropkicks the chair into Bahama. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Triple R covers. Both Gibson and Stephanopoulos count it out. Game over.
WINNER: TRIPLE R
Hillary climbs into the ring with Bill and declares the ‘tide is turning.’ Bill nods.
J.D. Elder’s new novel Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction features BCEW and several characters in the story. Check out this funny and occasionally biting political satire at:
Prairie Depot Press- Adventures in Low Budget, Small Time Book Publishing
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Filed under: 2008 Election, 2008 Presidential Election, Barack Obama, Blogs- Pro Wrestling, democrats, Hillary Clinton, John McCain, political satire, Politics, republicans | Tagged: Arianna Huffington, big oil, Bill Clinton, Charlie Gibson, Daily Kos, Danica Patrick, Earth Day, Eric Alterman, George Stephanopoulos, Howard Dean, James Carville, Media Matters for America, NBA Playoffs, Oprah Winfrey, pizza delivery, Pro Wrestling, Rush Limbaugh, Terry McAuliffe, WWE | Leave a comment »