PCW Rewind From Year One: Loose Cannons Unleashed 2 from March, 2006

The final PPV from the first season of PCW- back when it was BCEW (Buckland County Extreme Wrestling). From March 2006: BCEW- Loose Cannons Unleashed 2. Also, notable is the first appearance of The Original Rookie Sensation Starz N. Stripes and the PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin.
BCEW announcer Johnny Suave and his lifesize cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain are inside the ring.

Suave: “Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon. This is LOOSE CANNONS UNLEASHED TWO!

Suave pauses as the crowd reacts in its usual enthusiastic manner.

Suave: I am Johnny Suave, the voice of BCEW. Next to me is a lifesize cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. Big doings going on tonight. Our main event will be a no disqualification, falls count anywhere in the building, extreme grudge match to determine once and for all who the new #1 contender to the BCEW men’s title will be. The Progressive Alliance hopes it’s Justin Sufferable.

The crowd chants: Justin A**hole! (clap, clap clap-clap-clap)

Suave: A very popular person here in BCEW. His opponent from the American Patriots- A. Tom Bomb. The Drunken Luchador’s Don and Dave- The Flyin’ Martini Brothers put the BCEW men’s tag team titles on the line tonight against the Dixie Chucks. Candiloosa Ricearoni will defend her BCEW women’s title against a very dangerous opponent- Dr. Annabel Lecktor aka Annabel the Cannibal. We’ve got a whole lot more to get to but-

Man’s voice: Hold on! Hold on a second!

Suave: What the hell? It’s CBS College Basketball personalities Jim Nantz and Billy Packer? What are they doing here?The crowd picks up on their presence and a “THEY SCREWED HOFSTRA” chant erupts. This annoys the hell out of Billy “The ACC is God” Packer.

Packer: Just shut up. Shut up with that weak mid-major nonsense. Hofstra didn’t deserve to be in the tournament. They don’t play in an elite league like the ACC.

Crowd: BOOOOOOO!!!!!

Nantz: It’s true! I don’t know where the NCAA selection committee came up with their wacky voodoo RPI. Missouri State? 21? Hofstra? 30? There’s something wrong when deserving teams from the power conferences get screwed out of a tournament berth by some lowly mid-major team who doesn’t belong on the same court with them.


Suave: Well, they’re certainly endearing themselves to the crowd.

Packer: (holds up sheet of paper) See! Right here it shows that the tournament record for the ACC and other power conferences is far better than the mid-majors!

Suave: (sarcastically) Yeah Billy! The power conferences also get the benefit of better seeding and the fact that they won’t go on the road and play a mid-major team at their home floor. That’s really fair!

Packer: Oh yeah? This paper proves that to give the Missouri Valley four teams in the league is a joke because they’re not close to OOFFF!

Packer gets tackled by ten college students.

Suave: HOLY CRAP! They’re wearing Missouri State sweatshirts. They’re from Missouri State! And they got screwed over by the NCAA committee.

The students swarm over Packer. He desperately tries to cover up.

Suave: Look at them! They’re just wailing on Billy Packer!

Nantz looks appalled. The crowd loves it.

Nantz: Say here! You can’t do that to Billy Packer! He’s a legend! He’s a-OOFF!

Another group of college students, this time wearing Hofstra sweatshirts, run in.


Nantz: The what? (sees the mob coming for him) Oh sh—WHHAAAA…

Nantz gets steamrolled by the students.

Suave: I bet Nantz doesn’t get THAT type of treatment when he does the Masters.

Nantz: HELP!



Much to Nantz’s and Packer’s chagrin, the bell rings. The students proceed to deliver a BCEW style beat down on the CBS personalities. “THEY’RE JUST WAILING ON THEM!” Suave observes. Then a can of spray paint appears in the ring. “What’s that?” Suave says, “That’s a can of spray paint! They’re not…they’re not…” The students spray paint three letters on Packer’s back. “WHAT ARE THEY SPRAY PAINTING?” Suave asks, “M…V…C? MVC! THE MISSOURI STATE STUDENTS SPRAY PAINTED ‘MVC’ ON BILLY PACKER’S BACK! THE MISSOURI VALLEY CONFERENCE!”

The students turn to Jim Nantz. Nantz begs them not to do it. Fat chance. He’s rolled over and three more letters are spray painted on his back. “C…A…A,” Suave says, “HOLY CRAP! THEY SPRAY PAINTED CAA FOR THE COLONIAL ATHLETIC ASSOCIATON ON JIM NANTZ! More chants of ‘BCEW! BCEW!’ come from the crowd. Three figures race down to the ring. “Here comes help!” Suave says, “it’s ESPN analyst Jay Bilas, ESPN analyst Digger Phelps, and Maryland head basketball coach Gary Williams to the rescue.” No. Not really. Enraged at the snide remarks Williams made about the Missouri Valley Conference, the Missouri State students immediately turn their ire to him. “Oh that’s not pretty,” Suave says as the students swarm all over Williams like killer bees on the attack. Williams joins Nantz and Packer on the deck and the spray paint can reappears again. “Oh no,” Suave says, “oh no. They’re not going to do it to Williams too?” Sure they are. “HOLY CRAP! THEY SPRAY PAINTED WICHITA STATE ON GARY WILLIAMS!” Bilas and Phelps fare no better. The Hofstra students spray paint ‘George Mason’ on Phelps back and ‘Bradley’ on Jay Bilas’.

RESULT: No Contest.


Suave: Wow! What an incredible start to tonight’s event. It’s BCEW- Loose Cannons Unleashed II!!! Tonight, once and for all, we will find out who is the new number one contender for the BCEW World Title. Will it be Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance? Will it be A-Bomb, A. Tom Bomb from the American Patriots? That’s our main event. Also tonight a huge grudge match between the Domestic Diva Martha Stewart and her former friend now turned arch-enemy ‘Billionaire’ Don Trump. The BCEW Tag Team title on the line tonight. The Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don- The Flyin’ Martini Brothers take on the Green World Order.


Inside the dressing room for the Progressive Alliance, Justin Sufferable, flanked by a grinning Pith Lord Harry Reid and the Attack Poodlette Nancy Pelosi, cuts a promo.

Justin: Here we are. BCEW. Loose Cannons Unleashed II. The night that I, Justin Sufferable, will take one step closer to becoming the BCEW World Champion. With the support of the Progressive Alliance by my side, A. Tom Bomb doesn’t stand a chance. I’m just not unbearable. I’m just not intolerable. I’m not even abominable. I’m JUSTIN SUFFERABLE and tonight I’m-

A door opens and closes very loudly in the background.

Justin: What the-

Russ Feingold enters the scene.

Feingold: I…(huffing and puffing out of breath …I have a great idea!

Reid: That’s great Russ but we’re cutting a promo here-

Feingold: I’m fed up with George W’s getting away with lying about the whole Rafael Barry Giambee steroids mess. I propose we all march out to the ring right now and demand that George W be censured by BCEW. Who’s with me?
Reid: Well…(hems and haws)

Pelosi: In general I’m with you, Russ but perhaps we should focus our energy on making sure that Justin Sufferable wins his match tonight.

Feingold: (all happy and exuberant) No no. Let’s go right now!

Feingold bounces out of the room.

Reid: Well…I suppose we should go out there with him.


Johnny Suave: Well. Here he comes. The Wisconsin Wonder Russ Feingold is coming to the ring with the rest of the Progressive Alliance.

The crowd immediately notices Justin Sufferable coming to the ring with the rest.

Crowd: (chanting) JUSTIN A-HOLE! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap) JUSTIN A-HOLE! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)

Feingold: If I can have your attention for a moment. The recent events involving the former BCEW World Champion Rafael Barry Giambee were a shameful stain on wrestling. The fact that George W. and his cronies covered up Giambee’s steroid use and broke the law. I think that George W. should be censured by BCEW. (turns to Progressive Alliance comrades) Right guys?The American Screamer Howard Dean looks the other way and whistles. The Pith Lord Harry Reid looks up in the air. Nancy Pelosi feigns talking to Justin Sufferable.

Feingold: (a little more stronger tone) Right guys?

Bill Frist-Medicine Guy’s voice: This is totally crazy.

Bill Frist- Medicine Guy appears.

Frist: This is nothing more than a crazy political move! .

Feingold: And you guys are playing the intimidation game.

Frist: Russ, everyone knows you have your sights on becoming the next BCEW CEO in 2008. You’re grandstanding.

Feingold: I am not.

Frist: You have no proof that George W. was aware that Giambee used steroids.

Feingold: He didn’t know Giambee was on steroids? Hell, everybody here KNEW he was on steroids. Anybody with the IQ of a brick knew he was on steroids, right?

Frist: (scoffing) Right.

Feingold: Let’s ask the crowd then. (faces the audience) Hey! Rafael Barry Giambee-

Crowd: (very loudly) ROIDS! ROIDS! ROIDS!

Feingold: See? What’d I tell you. This is why I believe George W. should be-

A. Tom Bomb comes out and shoves Frist out of the way.

Suave: Now A. Tom Bomb is out here. This could get incendiary real quick.


A-Bomb: Enough talk. I don’t like to talk, Justin Sufferable. But I do know that I’d like to put you through a table.

The crowd cheers as Sufferable and A-Bomb stare each other down.

A-Bomb: So let’s get it on and I’ll kick your ass

Suave: They’re supposed to wrestle later but they may go at it right now!
Sufferable and A-Bomb continue their stare down. A commotion breaks out away from the ring.

Suave: Now what?

At one of the tables, a female pizza delivery girl is nose to nose with a customer wearing a fraternity jacket with the letters A.S.S. on it.

Suave: There’s some sort of problem over there involving a pizza delivery…HOLY CRAP! He just pushed her to the ground and took the pizzas away from her!

The girl pulls herself up and kicks the man in the crotch.

Suave: Yow!

A referee mysteriously appears and calls for the bell. The bewildered contingent from the Progressive Alliance empty out of the ring while a bemused A. Tom Bomb also takes a few steps back to the dressing room.

Suave: WHAT! We’ve got another impromptu match?


The match begins out on the main floor of Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon. “Apparently, these two have had quite a long history with each other,” Suave observes. Skip manages to pull himself up to a staggering position long enough to allow Tessa to plaster him in the face with a pizza pie. Skip falls back down. Tessa then grabs Skip’s face and rubs it in the pizza. Skip manages to push Tessa down. He grabs a chair and raises it up in a threatening way. “OH NO!” Suave says, “He’s not…” *high-pitched male scream* “HOLY CRAP! TESTICULAR CLAW! TESTICULAR CLAW!” Skip turns pale as Tessa applies the testicular claw (won’t go in graphic detail here-you can figure it out) and his eyes look like they’re about to pop out. “Man, I think he’s going to pass out,” Suave says as Skip’s eyes roll back. He proceeds to faint face first into a steaming hot meat combo special pizza.



Suave: All right, they’re carrying Skip from Alpha Sigma Sigma out on a stretcher. I don’t think he’ll be reproducing anytime soon.

The crowd starts to boo.

Suave: Who’s that coming out? AWWWW…not the Hollywood Megastar Tom freakin’ Cruise! What the hell does he want?

Cruise climbs into the ring and he has a microphone.

The crowd starts to chant: “FREE KA-TIE! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap) FREE KA-TIE! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)

Tom Cruise: Thank you…thank you for your concern about my fiancée. She can’t be here tonight because she’s about to give birth-

Crowd: (even louder) FREE KA-TIE! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap) FREE KA-TIE! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)

Tom Cruise: SHUT UP! I just came out here to make clear that I absolutely nothing, I repeat, NOTHING to do with the Simontology episode of that vile, little hateful show South Park being taken off Comedy Central Net last week.


Tom Cruise: Comedy Central Net made that decision on their own. So I don’t want to hear any more about Simontology-

The crowd starts to buzz.


A shocked Tom Cruise watches with his mouth wide open. Stone and Parker jump into the ring.


Tom Cruise: Brad. BRAD! GET YOUR @#$@#$# ASS UP HERE RIGHT NOW!

Suave: Brad? Brad Grey. The CEO of Paramount Pictures who also own Comedy Central Net?

A sheepish Brad Grey climbs into the ring.

Tom Cruise: Brad. Listen dammit, you need to do something about these two clowns…


Tom Cruise: …I want them taken care of. You tell them both to get their asses of the ring and leave. I WANT THEM BACK IN THE DRESSING ROOM NOW!…..or else.

Brad: Or else what?Tom Cruise: I think you know the answer to that already Brad.

Suave: HOLY CRAP! It’s a Tom Cruise power play!

Brad: Tom?


Brad Grey slowly turns to Stone and Parker.

Brad: Guys. I……I want you-

Tom Cruise: Wait a second…

Brad pauses.

Brad: What, Tom?

Tom Cruise: Brad, I didn’t say…Simon says.

Suave: Oh, this is ridiculous!

Tom Cruise: All right. Brad, Simon says get them out of my sight right now.

Brad: (sighs, turns to Stone and Parker) Guys. I want you to leave Tom Cruise alone.


Stone and Parker can’t believe it.

Brad: You…you heard me. Go. Now!

Stone and Parker look at each other, shrug, and act as if they’re leaving the ring.

Suave: You’re kidding! They’re backing down? South Park is backing down?

Tom Cruise smirks and shoos Stone and Parker away.

A woman slowly walks up behind Cruise outside the ring.


Shields quietly climbs up on the edge of the ring.


The South Park guys Stone and Parker see Shields and stop.

Tom Cruise: What are you guys, deaf? Simon says get out of the ring.

The crowd rises in anticipation as Shields takes off one of her pumps. Cruise is still unaware that she’s behind him.


The crowd noise crescendos. Cruise looks a bit wary.

Tom Cruise: (not sure what is going on) What?

Suave: HOLY CRAP! She just clocked him with her pump!

Cruise topples forward face first.

Crowd: (mockingly) SI-MON SAYS! (Clap, clap, clap-clap-clap) SI-MON SAYS! (Clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)

Suave: Here comes Stone and Parker!

Stone and Parker push Grey out of the way and lift Cruise up.

Suave: Oh no…no…they’re not going to-

Stone and Parker heave Cruise out of the ring.


Cruise lands on and is impaled by a piece of wood. It then catches fire incinerating Cruise and then he is torn limb from limb by a bunch of wild animals.

Suave: Oooo-kay. Didn’t expect that ending. Didn’t necessarily need to see that either. Well, as is tradition here in BCEW, all of the wrestlers come out to the ring to listen to the CEO of BCEW deliver the ‘State of BCEW’ address. This year is no exception as the locker room has surrounded the ring and…(hears music being played badly) yep I know he’s coming out now because I hear that God-awful off key mariachi band playing ‘Hail to the Chief.’

Indeed, the off key mariachi band leads a wincing George W along with his family; wife Lauren, daughters Jennie and Babs, to the ring along with W’s aide de camp Dick and The Mastermind Karl Rove. The crowd boos.

Suave: Well, can’t say the booing is unexpected. W’s poll numbers have plummeted since the whole Rafael Barry Giambee steroids fiasco.

The American Patriots give W and company a standing ovation as his procession reaches the ring. Once he climbs through the ropes, W takes the microphone.


George W’s State of BCEW Address
W first says that he appreciates the fact that there’s some people who are very unhappy over the whole former BCEW World Champion Rafael Barry Giambee steroids fiasco. “If given a do over, I’d of handled that in a more proactively active way.”- BCEW CEO George W. W explains he can’t change the past but he can learn from the ‘mistakenly unwise thingys’ done in the past. He announces that he has hired a new chief of staff- Josh, which comes as a bit of a surprise to both Dick and The Mastermind. The First order of change is that W will become more active in the match to match aspects of BCEW. W also observes that in some wrestling federations, the owner’s family also becomes involved in the action as well. W announces that his daughters Jennie and Babs will become active participants participating actively in BCEW. This is also a big surprise to Dick and The Mastermind. The leadership of the American Patriots Dr. Bill Frist- Medicine Guy and Denny “The Big Guy” Hastert also seemed confused at this new direction that W is embarking on.

W announces that the #1 contender match between Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance and A. Tom Bomb of the American Patriots will be a no DQ, falls count anywhere in the building, to determine once and for all the new #1 contender for the BCEW World Championship. With that, W exits.


Suave: Hmmm, the speech a bit lackluster. And now even the American Patriots are grumbling about the direction George W is taking. This could get interesting.

The crowd stands up as “The Domestic Diva” Martha Stewart enters the ring.

Suave: We’re ready for our next match and it’s going to be a doozy…

Match #3- “The Domestic Diva” Martha Stewart vs. “Billionaire Don” Trump
“This is a big time grudge match.” – Johnny Suave. The war of words between the two would cumulate tonight at Loose Cannons Unleashed II. Trump was led to the ring by his two lackeys George and Carolyn who immediately get into Stewart’s face. With the Domestic Diva occupied by his lackeys, Trump snuck in the ring and took a cheap shot on her. Then the bell rang. Billionaire Don immediately went to work on Stewart mixing in punches and kicks and such. Stewart was pushed back into a turnbuckle and George reached over mugged her with a choke in the corner. Trump got on the microphone and yelled instructions for George to let her go. Stewart tried to fight back but ran right into a flying elbow. Pissed off, Stewart slapped Trump across the face and then kicked the Billionaire in the crotch. Trump danced around for a bit and the Domestic Diva hit a leaping back elbow on Trump. She covered for a two count. Both traded chops with Trump eventually getting the upper hand. Billionaire Don drilled Stewart with a facebuster and tossed her to the outside. George and Carolyn toss Stewart face First into the ringpost. Then they toss her back into the ring. Trump sets her up for his finishing maneuver- “You’re Fired.” Just as he is about to slam Stewart down, she desperately reaches for and pulls off Trump’s hairpiece. “HOLY CRAP!”- Johnny Suave. Trump, horrified, pats at his shiny bald head- no hairpiece. Stewart starts twirling the toupee- which looks like an emaciated muskrat, around like an exotic dancer and gets attacked from behind by both George and Carolyn. The hairpiece flies out of Stewart’s hand. George and Carolyn do a number on the Domestic Diva as Trump feverishly crawls over and tries to put the hairpiece back in place. He partly succeeds and partly looks like the lead singer of A Flock of Seagulls. Trump then covers a spent Stewart and gets the 1-2-3.

Winner: “Billionaire Don” Trump


Johnny Suave: Blatant interference by Trump’s lackeys George and Carolyn insures Billionaire Don’s victory. I have a sneaky feeling we haven’t heard the last of this one…

A young French man is standing right in front of Johnny smoking a cigarette and not doing much of anything.

Suave: …er excuse me.

Young French: Qui?

Suave: Do you mind? I’m trying to work here.

Young French: Yes. So am I.

Suave: Oh really? Who are you?

Young French: I’m Henri. One of ze new employees.

Suave: I see. Perhaps instead of standing here blocking my sight lines to the ring, you should, oh I don’t know, go do your job?

Young French: WHAT!

Suave: Go do whatever you’re supposed to do. Do something.

Young French: Mondieur! What do you mean because I have a job I have to work?

Suave: Excuse me? Of course you actually have to work. I’m working. I’m doing my job which is call the matches. You need to go to do your job and not stand in my way.Young French: (angrily) This is not acceptable. I’m going on strike.

Young French guy stomps off and tips over a garbage can.

Suave: O-kay. That was different. The young French guy, apparently a new employee to BCEW, got mad because I told him to go do his job. Amazing. Let’s go backstage as the BCEW World Tag Team champions, the Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don- the Flyin’ Martini Brothers are engaging in their pre-match warm up with……WHAT? HOLY CRAP!

Dan and Don are having their pre-match swig of Jack Daniels with W’s daughter’s Jennie and Babs. After finishing it off, Dan takes the empty bottle and breaks it over his head. He’s ready to go. After Jennie finishes off her Jack Daniels, she takes the empty bottle and breaks it over her head. She accidently knocks herself out.

Suave: O-kay. The tag team belts are on the line tonight!


Match #4- BCEW Tag Team Champions The Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don- The Flyin’ Martini Brothers vs. The Green World Order (Peacenik #1 and #2)
Before the match begins, Peacenik #1 takes the mic and complains that the Green World Order never gets any respect. He goes on to say that BCEW glorifies violence in resolving people’s differences. “Excuse me? This is professional wrestling thank you very much.”- Johnny Suave. Peacenik #2 gets on the mic and intimates that if BCEW doesn’t take steps to protect their ‘rights’ that the GWO will be forced to take matters into their own hands.

At this point, the tag team champs stagger out to the ring and the match begins. Immediately after the bell rings, two men dressed in suits sit down with Johnny Suave at the broadcast table. “Who the hell are you?”- Johnny Suave. The duo explains they are Felcher and Felcher- attorneys at law, legal counsel for the Green World Order and members of the Progressive Alliance. They explain that they are here to insure that the GWO gets a fair shake. R. Felcher argues that a fundamental tenet of fairness is being violated. Suave asks how? “What we have here is a clear case where people who are stronger and more skilled win matches at the expense of their clients.”- R. Felcher. “It’s a wrestling match. Someone wins. Someone loses.”- Johnny Suave. The Felchers don’t see it this way. “Clearly this is blatant discrimation against the Green World Order.”- B. Felcher. “It’s a freakin’ wrestling match!” – Johnny Suave.

Peacenik #1 jumped Don Martini and got a quick two count. They did a series of spots where Peacenik #1 kept trying moves but the Martini Brothers inadvertently staggered or fell down out of the way. Peacenik #1 finally became so infuriated that he blind rushes towards Don Martini. Don again staggers out of the way and Peacenik #1 rams hard into the turnbuckle. “See? This is simply not fair. How can the GWO win the match if the Martini Brothers won’t let them execute any move?”- R. Felcher, attorney at law. “Maybe because they’re too drunk to stand still?”- Johnny Suave. Peacenik #2 jumped on Dan Martini’s back with a sleeper. But Dan loses his balance and falls forward, launching Peacenik #2 into the other turnbuckle. “This is simply not fair!” – R. Felcher. “I’m afraid we’re going to have to get involved. Our client’s rights are being violated.” – B. Felcher. “This is totally ridiculous!” – Johnny Suave.

Felcher and Felcher attempt to interject themselves into the match. R. Felcher distracts Dan Martini while B. Felcher tries to jump Don Martini. Don again trips on his own two feet and B. Felcher misses and runs into Peacenik #1 and #2. “I guess THAT’S not fair either.” – Johnny Suave. B. Felcher gets mad and actually connects- he hits Don Martini in the stomach. Don holds his stomach and begins to wretch. “Oh, oh! This isn’t going to end well.”- Johnny Suave. All of a sudden, what appears to be the sound a car skidding and crashing is heard. This gets the attorneys attention. It’s followed by people screaming and then the wail of an ambulance siren. R. Felcher hesitates. He looks at his brother B. Felcher cornered by a wretching Don Martini. Then he hears more ambulance sirens. B. Felcher tells R. Felcher not to leave him. R. Felcher hesitates and then takes off after the ambulance leaving B. Felcher in the ring all alone. Don proceeds to projectile vomit all over B. Felcher. “YEESSS!” -Johnny Suave. Then Don passes out on top of Peacenik #1. 1-2-3. Match over.


Suave: Once again, it’s the Bleech Beer Gratuitous Vomit moment of the week.

Replay of Don Martini projectile vomiting on and coating a disgustingly oozing and dripping B. Felcher- attorney at law.

Suave: Wow! Chunky! It just doesn’t get any better than that.


American Patriots office
Denny Hastert and Dr. Bill Frist-Medicine Guy ruminate in their office.

Denny Hastert: I don’t know about you Bill. But I’m not sure the direction George W is taking us is the right one.

Dr. Frist: I agree.

Hastert: If we don’t win the #1 contender match tonight, I think we may need to rethink our strategy. We’ve lost the World Championship-

Dr. Frist: No thanks to the ‘Straight Shooter’ John McCain.

Hastert: Exactly. Who wants to be the next CEO of BCEW- just like you do.

Dr. Frist: True. And Hillary Clinton. And any number of people.

Hastert: We’re losing focus. And we’ll lose the CEO if we’re not careful.

Door opens. Enter a new wrestler. Burly. Blond haired. All-American looking.

Starz N. Stripes: I’m the new guy. They call me Starz N. Stripes.

Both Dr. Frist and Hastert look very impressed.

Starz N. Stripes: I have my First match here in a couple moments. I just want to say I’m glad to be here.

Dr. Frist: The pleasure is all ours.

Hastert: Good luck.

Starz N. Stripes departs for his match.

Dr. Frist: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Hastert: I’m thinking that if A-Bomb can’t get the job done tonight against Justin Sufferable, we’ve found our new champion.

Dr. Frist: Exactly.


Johnny Suave: Well he’s here. The new Rookie Sensation Starz N. Stripes against a jobber named Th’ Swamp Pirate.

Match #5- “The Rookie Sensation” Starz N. Stripes vs. Th’ Swamp Pirate
Th’ Swamp Pirate, dressed in the requisite pirate gear complete with parrot and jewelry, pulled out a few stops to knock off the Rookie Sensation. Th’ Swamp Pirate pulled off the jewelry and tried to choke out Starz N. Stripe. Starz finally took the offensive. He hit a fall away suplex off the ropes and then went to work on Th’ Pirate in the corner. Starz grounded Th’ Swamp Pirate with knee strikes followed by a fall away belly-to-back suplex. Starz hit his finisher, the “Rockets Red Glare” and made the cover for a win.

Johnny Suave: An impressive debut for The Rookie Sensation Starz N. Stripes. Coming up, the BCEW Women’s Championship belt on the line. And the #1 contender match between A. Tom Bomb of the American Patriots and Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance. A lot on the line coming up in just a few.

Johnny Suave: And we’re back for the final part of BCEW Loose Cannons Unleashed 2. (pauses as the crowd chants “BCEW…BCEW…” We’re celebrating the one year anniversary of BCEW. And speaking of celebrations, let’s peek in on a special celebration going on in the back area of Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon.

Cut to a hall where a wedding reception is going on.

Suave: That’s right. They’re celebrating the wedding of Will Beckworth and Charlene Ann Cantrell.

Close up of the happy couple Will and Charlene Ann who wave at the camera and then cut the cake. Charlene Ann then takes a piece of the cake and smashes it Will’s face.

The crowd stands up and gives Charlene Ann a standing ovation.

Suave: Congratulations guys. Charlene Ann, of course, is our usual ring announcer and.………what? Oh. Okay ladies and gentlemen. We’re going back to George W’s office where there’s some kind of meeting going on.

Meeting in George W’s Office
BCEW CEO George W, his aide de camp Dick, The Mastermind Karl Rove, and W’s new chief aide Josh meet. W laments his low poll numbers. Dick argues that all they need to do is stay the course and they’ll ride through it. Josh stands up and introduces a special guest he has brought in specifically to deal with this issue- “Seg” McMann. “Who the hell is Seg McMann?” barks Dick, “and what the @#$# does ‘Seg’ stand for?” “Sports Entertainment Guy,” McMann responds. “If you want to connect with your target audience, then you have to realize that ‘pro wrestling’ is really nothing more than ‘soap operas for guys.’ If you want your polls numbers to go up, then you need to reconnect with your audience.” “How?” W asks. Seg tells the group that the problem with BCEW is that there is too much ‘wrestling’ and not enough ‘sports entertainment.’ W shakes his head in agreement. Dick stews. And the Mastermind Karl Rove points at his temple to remind us all once again that even though he didn’t come up with this new exciting concept of ‘sports entertainment’ that he’s still a freakin’ genius. “So what do you suggest?” asks W. Seg starts to answer but is interrupted by a knock on the door.

It is BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin delivering food for the meeting. “Hi Tessa,” the group murmers. Dick starts to collect money to pay Tessa, Seg drools while he gawks at the Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl. “Here you go Tessa,” Dick says as he pays her and she quickly exits. “Who was that?” Seg asks. Dick explains that she’s the BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl. “She’s perfect!” Seg says, “Gentlemen, I’ll be back!”

BCEW Women’s champion Candiloosa Rice then walks by on the way to the ring for her title defense. Dick stands up. “Candy, are you sure you want to go out there tonight without a little back up?” Dick adds that he would feel better if she was accompanied to the ring. Rice waves them off and says she can handle herself.

Suave: Wow! Is Rice distancing herself from Dick and The Mastermind? And just what are they worried about?

A woman appears pushing a large dolly with someone strapped tightly to it.

Suave: Oh…never mind. Here’s the reason why. FBI Special Agent Charlize Starling is bringing the wrestler known as ‘Annabel the Cannibal’ to the ring. That’s right. Dr. Annabel Lecktor. Back in BCEW for the first time since being sent to the Kitty Dukakis wing of the ultra-maximum security Hopkins Institute for Thoroughly Insane.

Lecktor is not only strapped to the dolly but also restrained with a straight jacket and she wears a modified hockey style type mask over her face.

Suave: As Dr. Lecktor is wheeled to the ring, you may note the hockey mask on her face. The BCEW competition committee decReid that because of Dr. Lecktor’s propensity for biting off large chunks of her opponent’s flesh during a match, from now on she must wear that mask during all matches or be immediately disqualified.

The BCEW Women’s Champion is next to arrive.

Match #6 BCEW Women’s Champion Candiloosa Rice vs. Dr. Annabel “Annabel the Cannibal’ Lecktor with FBI Special Agent Charlize Starling
Dr. Lecktor immediately jumps the champion to start the match. Rice tries to pull Lecktor over her own back, but the Doctor blocks her by pulling on her hair. Lecktor counters with a drop toehold and then puts on a wristlock. After the champion escapes, Lecktor climbs up to the second rope and tries to clothesline Rice. She misses and the Women’s Champion kicks her in the gut! Enraged, Dr. Lecktor throws her over the top rope, then calls in FBI Special Agent Starling for assistance. Starling whips the champion into the ring post and then delivers a bronco buster! Suave sighs and comments, “I can never get enough of that move. That was a beautiful sight.” However, Rice tosses Starling into the steps. Lecktor sneaks up behind her with a steel-folding chair and blasts her. Then she appears to try and bite her arm. “Good thing she’s wearing that mask,” Suave observes, “who knows what would-….HOLY CRAP! Lecktor’s trying to take off the mask!” The referee tries to stop her but Lecktor swats him away. “If she gets that mask off,” Suave says, “well, I don’t want to even think about it.” Starling tries to stop Lecktor who’s partially undone the mask. Immediately the referee calls for the bell and Dr. Lecktor is DQ’d. “That’s it!” Suave says, “Candiloosa Rice retains the Women’s championship but she’s totally out right now……. AND LECKTOR HAS THE HOCKEY MASK COMPLETELY OFF!”

Dick races to the ring with The Mastermind. FBI Special Agent Starling tries to stun Lecktor with a cattle prod. No go. Lecktor shakes it off and approaches Rice. Then the crowd suddenly cheers as out of nowhere comes a star spangled BCEW superstar. “HOLY CRAP! It’s the Rookie Sensation Starz N Stripes!” shouts Suave. Starz N Stripes raises his hand to attack Lecktor but then inexplicatively stops. Dick is besides himself. “WHAT THE @#$# ARE YOU WAITING FOR?” he shouts out. “Are you sure it’s okay to hit a woman?” the Rookie Sensation asks, “I’m not sure I’m comfortable with-” “JUST HIT HER ALREADY!” Dick interrupts. Starz N Stripes then charges into the Doctor and drives her into the ring post knocking her out.

Winner and still champion by DQ: Candiloosa Rice

Suave: Wow! That was a close call. Nice save by the Rookie Sensation Starz N Stripes. Coming up tonight- the match we’ve all been waiting for. The winner becomes the new #1 contender for the BCEW World Championship crown. Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance vs. A. Tom Bomb from the American Patriots.

In the back hall, ‘Seg’ McMann talks with BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin. From a neutral third party standpoint, Seg appears to be a lecherous type of guy. Apparently with little shame, McMann excitedly tells her how he can make her a big star in BCEW and goes on a spiel to convince her to sign on. Tessa seems slightly interested but appears to be anxious to get back to delivering pizzas.

Suave: God, is this creepy or what?

“Think about it,” Seg says as she runs out the door to take care of more deliveries. More drool forms on the corner of this mouth as squealing tires signal the BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl driving away.

Suave: Is it just me or does ‘Seg’ has a major crush on Tessa Martin?

Holy music blares over the loudspeakers.

Suave: And that can mean only one thing, it’s of course, the Pious Pair. The God Squad. Rev. Robertson. Rev. Falwell. God knows why they’ve come out here tonight but I’m sure we’ll all find out soon enough….God help us all.

Rev. Robertson: I heard that.

The God Squad enters the ring and Rev. Robertson takes the microphone.

God Squad Segment
Rev. Robertson speaks about a ‘coming storm’ in BCEW. “I was on a personal prayer retreat with God,” Rev Robertson says, “and if I heard him correctly, the proverbial crap is going to hit the fan.” Rev Falwell then chimes in and complains about the introduction of ‘sports entertainment’ into BCEW. Falwell says that it’s bad enough with the bad language and the skimpy wardrobe and the extreme violence. “Now adding ‘sports entertainment’ into the mix?” Falwell says, “what’s next? Bathroom humor. Picking boogers out of your nose? Bodily fluids? How low are we going to go?” Rev Robertson warns W that there will be dire consequences if ‘sports entertainment’ is adopted in BCEW. “There’s a storm coming,” Rev. Robertson reiterates, “it may be a shower or it may be a tidal wave. If George W doesn’t-” As if on cue, a sprinkler line above Rev. Robertson starts to leak and sprays water down on him. “AAAHHHHHHHH” Rev. Robertson cries out as the water interacts with the electrically charged microphone and…well…you know what happens next.

Suave: Apparently God gave Rev. Robertson the ability to leg press 4000 lbs but not to withstand the combination of water and live electricity. The God Squad, ladies and gentlemen, and you can put them squarely on the side of those who don’t like ‘sports entertainment.’ And as much as I hate to admit it, I have to say that I agree with much of what Rev. Robertson had to say on the subject. All right, let’s get back to the-

Voice: Just hold it!

Suave looks surprised.

Suave: Who are you and what do you want?

News Hounds: You can call me News Hounds. I run a blog dedicated to countering right wing bias in our media.

Suave: Okay. What the hell are you doing out here?

News Hounds: I was watching the segment with the God Squad and you helped push their extreme right-wing agenda by agreeing with what they said. We simply can’t stand for that!

Suave: On the issue of ‘sports entertainment,’ I find myself in agreement. There’s nothing wrong with that.

News Hounds: But Rev. Robertson and the religious right are trying to force their beliefs on all of us.

Suave: You may be right. But that has nothing to do with my opinion of ‘sports entertainment.’ Let’s move on-


Suave: Go blow it out your ear. Let’s go to the ring.

Inside the ring stand all three members of the Dixie Chucks. The Dixie Chucks are three men who are huge fans of the music group- The Dixie Chicks. The Dixie Chicks find themselves back in the news as they are about to release a new CD called “Taking The Long Way Home.” Their first single “Not Ready to Make Nice” addressed the issues the Chicks have faced since Natalie Maines’ controversial comments about President Bush three years ago. Each Dixie Chuck pays homage to the group by each dressing up as one member of the Dixie Chicks. There’s Chuck-atalie. Chuck-mily. Chuck-artie.

Dixie Chucks Segment
Chuck-atalie tells the booing crowd to shut the hell up. He rails at their ‘ignorance’ and tries to equate everyone booing them ie…the ‘haters’… with the nutcases who have actually sent death threats to Natalie Maines, the lead singer. “Like I’ve said before,” Chuck-atalie says, “you don’t have to like what any member of the Dixie Chicks say. They still have the God-given right to speak their mind!” More boos follow. Chuck-artie grabs the mic. “It’s a @#$#ing injustice what has happened to the Dixie Chicks!” he screeches. “Go buy their new CD! It totally rocks!” Chuck-mily chimes in: “that’s right. If you don’t like the new CD, you can all just kiss our asses!”

The Dixie Chucks leave to mass boos and catcalls.

Suave: You know, I hate to admit this too but I kind of agree with them about the way the Dixie Chicks have been treated. I mean, death threats? Come on. This IS America yes-

Voice: Hold on a second there!

Suave: Now what?

News Busters: I am News Busters. I run this blog where I take on left-wing media bias on a daily basis.

Suave: And your point is? No, wait. Let me guess. Because I agreed with what the Dixie Chucks said that constitutes some kind of liberal bias on my part…right?News Busters: Well…yes! The left wing has long since used their sympathizers in the media to further their extreme liberal agenda.

Suave: But we’re not talking about the extreme left-wing agenda. We’re talking about someone receiving death threats for speaking their mind! I think that’s wrong!

News Busters: So you agree with the Dixie Chicks. SEE! I KNEW you were biased!

Suave: All right. That’s it! Both of you get the @#$# off my set now. And let’s get to the main event. The match we’ve all been waiting for.

Justin Sufferable, led by the leader of the Progressive Alliance Howard “The American Screamer” Dean, The Pith Lord, Barth Salacious, Harry Reid, and the Attack Poodle Nancy Pelosi walks to the ring. Sufferable grabs the mic.

Justin Sufferable: SHUT UP! I’m not just intolerable. I’m not just unbearable. I am, my friends, Justin Insufferable!

Suave: Yes you are…

News Hounds: Hey! That’s a biased comment against the Progressive Alliance!

Suave: The hell it is.

The off key mariachi band reappears and heads to the ring.

Suave: Now what?

George W saunters cockily down the aisle wearing his trademark smirk only occasionally wincing at the bad notes the off key mariachi band hits. W takes the mic and points at Dean.

George W.: I don’t know what y’all are thinking, but I don’t give a rats ass about my so-called poll numbers. I’m still in charge here.

The crowd boos.

George W: In order to maintain order and fairness, you three need to get your asses back to the locker room. I’M BANNING YOU FROM THE RING!

Suave: What?

News Busters: YEAH! You go W! You go! That’s fair! That’s fair!

Suave: Oh yeah? I guess that means that no one from the American Patriots can be ringside either.

News Busters: Now you’re being biased again! You’re taking the side of the-

Suave: Oh shut up.

Dean, Reid, and Pelosi hesitate.

George W: You heard me. Now get! I’m reestablishing my authority here tonight and whether y’all like it or not, and quite frankly I don’t care, I want your asses back to the locker room now.

Reluctantly, the trio starts back to the locker. They pass A. Tom Bomb aka A-Bomb and he arrives with his valet, the lovely and well-endowed Daisy Cutter-Bomb, and his brothers H-Bomb and N-Bomb. There is an awkward moment and momentary staredown before Dean, Reid, and Pelosi continue on.

Suave: Well, the American Screamer Howard Dean, Pith Lord Harry Reid, and the Attack Poodle Nancy Pelosi have been banished from ringside.

The Bomb Brothers led by Daisy Cutter-Bomb approach the ring. W suddenly motions for Daisy, N-Bomb, and H-Bomb to leave the ringside area.

Suave: BCEW CEO George W has just ejected them too!

News Busters: WHAT?

Suave: I totally agree! If the Progressive Alliance can’t have anybody there then neither should the American Patriots!

News Busters: B-but…but…that’s not fair!

Suave: Bull@#$#. It’s the right thing to do!

News Hounds: I object to the term ‘right.’ It alludes that conservatism and the American Patriots are-


Suave gets up and grabs the hair of both News Hounds and News Busters. Then he conks them together. Both News Hounds and News Busters fall off their chairs and to the floor.

Suave: There. Much better. Let’s get to the match.

Match #7- #1 Contender Match- Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance vs. A. Tom Bomb of the American Patriots.
W gets on the mic again and tells both men that he wants them to put on a ‘helluva show’ for the BCEW fans and exhorts them to take the match ‘all over the building.’ The bell rings and the match finally begins.

Sufferable and A-Bomb began. A-Bomb immediately lifted up Justin and threw him to the floor. A-Bomb leaped over the ropes and connected on a cross-body block. He then hit Sufferable with a steel folding chair, then threw him into the ring steps. A-Bomb picked up a small trash can next to the ring announcer and whacked Sufferable with it. Then he sidekicked the trash can into Justin’s face. “So far, Justin Sufferable is taking a whole lot of punishment,” Suave says, “with no help from the Progressive Alliance, how long can he withstand A-Bomb’s onslaught?”

Sufferable desperately grabs the trash can and throws it at A-Bomb. Then he grabbed the microphone laying on the announcer’s table and swung it wildly at A-Bomb and rammed it on the side of his skull. Sufferable reaches under the ring and pulls out a ladder. He jams it into A-Bomb’s head. Justin went for a chair, climbed the ladder, and the crashed the chair on A-Bomb. He went to hit him again with the chair but A-Bomb somehow side-steps him and then he gets arm dragged into the ladder. The crowd cheered when A-Bomb then wore a ladder like a propeller and swung it around, smacking Sufferable several times. A-Bomb then climbed the ladder but Sufferable knocked it over sending A-Bomb through the announcers table. “HOLY CRAP!” Johnny Suave shouts. He barely got out of the way of A-Bomb before the table disintegrated. Sufferable lifted A-Bomb up and then walked him over to the edge of the stage. “Oh no…” Suave says, “He’s not going to do what I think he’s going to do!” A-Bomb hits Sufferable with a low blow. Then he lifts Sufferable up and power A-Bombs him off the stage through a front row table. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave shouts again, “He’s dead! He’s freaking dead!” The Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon crowd chanted, “This match rocks! This match rocks!” A-Bomb again lifts a woozy Sufferable back up and drags him down the aisle towards the back. “Where the hell is he going?” Suave asks. We find out soon enough. A-Bomb drags Sufferable through the main room of Hack’s to a back hallway. He stops at a door, opens it up, and then heaves Sufferable into a dark room. “What is he up to?” Suave inquires. Again, we find out quickly. The lights turn on and Justin Sufferable gets a very unpleasant surprise. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave yells, “it’s every member of the American Patriots! It’s a trap! It’s a freakin’ TRAP!”

H-Bomb, N-Bomb, Daisy Cutter-Bomb, Mr. Old School Don Rumsfeld, The Rookie Sensation Starz N Stripes, The Mastermind Karl Rove, George W’s aide de camp Dick, and the BCEW CEO himself, George W surround Justin. The Mastermind points to his temple to remind everyone that he’s a freakin’ genius. George W has his trademark Texas smirk. Dick says his trademark catch phrase: “F@#$ you Justin!” Then Dick directs the American Patriots the beat the holy hell out of him. Hy Drogen Bomb aka H-Bomb wraps his arm in barbed wire and then punches Sufferable. He immediately came up bleeding. H-Bomb rubbed the barbed wire into Justin’s forehead. Mr. Old School Don Rumsfeld pulled out a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire and handed it to Daisy Cutter-Bomb. Daisy legdropped the barbed wire baseball bat across Sufferable’s crotch. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave said yet again, “I don’t even want to try to describe that…” Off to the side, it appears the Rookie Sensation Starz N Stripes is having reservations about joining in the mugging. “I don’t know if this is right,” Starz says, “seven against one doesn’t seem very fair.” Dick growls and pushes Starz N Stripes into Sufferable. Rowe then pulls out an old sweaty sweat sock and sticks it in Justin’s mouth. “Oh, that’s gross!” Suave comments, “who knows where that sock’s been.” H-Bomb spears Sufferable. H-Bomb then grabbed Justin in the corner and bent him over while Newt-Tron Bomb aka N-Bomb stood with his butt in Sufferable’s face. “OH NO!” Suave says, “they’re going for the ‘Silent But Deadly!’” Suddenly the lights in the room go out. “WHAT THE-” is all Suave can say before the light comes quickly back on and the opening bars to the Fleetwood Mac classic “Don’t Stop (Thinking About Tomorrow)” start to play. A man in a flannel shirt wielding a Singapore cane and a mocha stands in the room.

“IT’S HIM!” cries out Suave, “IT’S THE TREE HUGGIN’, MOCHA CHUGGIN’, TOBACCO COMPANY BUGGIN’, INSANE EXTREME SINGAPORE CANE SWINGING ALPHA MALE! THE EXTREME ENVIROMENTAL HARDCORE ICON- AL GORE!” As the crowd in the main room sings “Don’t stop, thinking about tomorrow,” Gore holds up his mocha, inside an environmentally friendly biodegradable container of course, and chugs it down. Then he spews it out of his mouth into the shocked faces of both The Mastermind and Dick and then crushes the paper container on his forehead in a manly fashion. Al has a microphone. “You know, just like the Earth may cross the line of no return several years from now and suffer the devastating consequences of global warming, George W- you crossed the line tonight!” Gore immediately whacks Dick and the Mastermind over the head with the Singapore cane. Then he quickly takes out A-Bomb, H-Bomb, N-Bomb, Mr. Old School Don Rumsfeld, Starz N Stripes, and Daisy Cutter-Bomb- leaving just George W. The crowd outside rose to their feet as Gore appeared to measure the BCEW CEO for a Singapore cane shot. Then out of nowhere comes Bill First-Medicine Guy and he plows Gore over with a stiff forearm to the back of the head. In the meantime, lost all in the confusion was the fact that Sufferable somehow drug himself up and staggered out the door. W screams at First to get him. First rushes Sufferable who somehow ducks a clothesline. Justin whirls around with a spinning heel kick and knocks Dr. First off his feet. Sufferable picks up Gore’s Singapore cane and proceeds to whip Dr. First in the back with it. Inexplicatively, George W tries to snatch the cane away from Justin Sufferable. There is a short struggle before Sufferable pushes W away and goes back to whipping Dr. First. A. Tom Bomb still groggy from his cane shot, staggers to his feet and sees Sufferable. Enraged, A-Bomb screams out and charges at Justin, tackling and driving him through a closed door on the other side of the hallway. The door bursts open and nearly clips a few people who appear to be attending a wedding reception.

“HOLY CRAP!” Suave exclaims, “they just busted into the wedding reception for Will Beckworth and Charlene Ann Cantrell!” The guests, shocked and surprised by the intrusion, scatter as Sufferable is thrown head first into a table causing it to tip over and spill food, plates, wine glasses, you name it. Charlene Ann Cantrell aka the newly mined Mrs. Will Beckworth, looks at first horrified and then incredibly pissed off. A-Bomb continues his assault and slams Sufferable into another table knocking it and the contents over. Then A-Bomb grabs Justin by the hair, drags him over to the gift table, and slings him head first onto the table causing the gifts to spill onto the floor. A-Bomb smiles and pulls Sufferable back off the table. “Just end it already!” Suave says, “Sufferable doesn’t know what state he’s in……Hey! What’s George W doing?” W rips open one of the gifts- it’s a toaster oven. W gets his trademark smirk on and walks over to where A-Bomb is literally holding up Justin Sufferable. “No!” cries out Suave, “no, no, no!” W attempts to clobber Sufferable with the toaster oven- Sufferable somehow ducks out of the way and W’s piefaces A. Tom Bomb instead. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave says as a stunned W watches A-Bomb falls stiffly backwards to the floor, “W MISSED! HE HIT A-BOMB INSTEAD!” Getting his fourth wind, Sufferable pulls A-Bomb up and climbs on the gift table. He gets A-Bomb into the air and then powerbombs him through the gift table sending gifts, decorations flying all over. “HOLY, HOLY CRAP!” Suave shouts at the move, “THAT’S IT! SUFFERABLE COVER…1…2…3! JUSTIN SUFFERABLE IS NOW THE NUMBER ONE CONTENDER FOR THE BCEW WORLD TITLE!” The crowd in the main room go nuts. W just stands there with his mouth wide open. “W CAN’T BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED! HE JUST SCREWED A. TOM BOMB OUT OF THE NUMBER ONE CONTENDER’S SPOT!” Suddenly, a very unhappy young bride leaps on W’s back and starts to choke him. “THAT’S CHARLENE ANN CANTRELL! SHE’S CHOKING OUT THE CEO OF BCEW! SHE’S PISSED!” W spins around wildly as Charlene Ann’s grip on his throat tightens. “THIS HAS BEEN A GREAT NIGHT. JUSTIN SUFFERABLE WILL MEET THE BCEW WORLD CHAMPION “NO FRILLS” CHRIS ESCONDIDO FOR THE TITLE IN SEPTEMBER AT “BCEW LOOSE CANNONS- LOCK AND LOAD! SEE YOU THEN!”

Prairie Depot Press – Home of the novel Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction

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