A Special Message from the American Heartland Coalition’s Andrea Doria

A message to PETA, the Politically Correct, and the Religious Right from the “Princess of Political Incorrectness” Andrea Doria:
    

4/19-PCW on P-SPAN: Al Franken and Norm Coleman to Meet Next Sunday in a Hardcore Barbed Wire Deathmatch

Nancy Pelosi takes on the American Heartland Coalition/Domination Inc. stays strong thanks to its new recruits/Former Domination Inc. member Daisy Cutter-Bomb tries to find a new home.

4/19 PCW on P-SPAN Results from Harrisburg, PA

Match #1: Mercedes (Domination Inc.) defeats “Trailer Park Sweetheart” Tanya Hardy with the White Trash Posse (Independent) via submission to the Mercedes Bendz.

Post match, Domination Inc. members Porsche Lexus, Big Oil, Kirk Walstreit, and Rough Justice: D.B. Ruff and Connor Justice- two former police officers fired due to their extreme methods of law enforcement, ran out and beat down Hardy and her two White Trash Posse compadres. PCW Security Director Dawn McGill came out and reestablished order. Both Big Oil and Walstreit, victims of kicks to the groin with McGill’s four inch stilettos, quickly hightailed it out of there.

————

A quick review of the Domination Inc. Press Release from Friday:

“Domination Inc. announces the hiring of five new wrestlers to its stable: Cadillac, Jaguar, Big Monster Whalie, Mercedes, and Porsche Lexus. All five wrestlers debuted last Sunday night during the PCW on P-SPAN show and already have made a huge difference in reestablishing Domination Inc. as the ultimate corporate force in PCW.

“Domination Inc. CEO ‘THE Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann commented: “The addition of Big Monster Whalie aka BMW, Cadillac, Jaguar, Mercedes, and Porsche Lexus will jump start our efforts to takeover Political Championship Wrestling and remake it in my image. We have already shown that the PCW Champion O’Beck Bahama is no match for our Big Monster and I’m very confident that the PCW Title will shortly be in the Domination Inc. stable. Cadillac and Jaguar are capable wrestler who will help Domination Inc. with our bottom line. Mercedes and Porsche Lexus will allow Domination Inc. to reenter the PCW Women’s title chase and bring the title back to us.”

“CFO Gordon Guyko adds: “This move will maneuver Domination Inc. back to the top of PCW and is money well spent. Our goals are simple: Domination Inc. will control all four PCW title belts by PCW Loose Cannons Unleashed 5 on June 7th. With the addition of BMW, Cadillac, Jaguar, Mercedes, and Porsche Lexus to Domination Inc., I am quite confident we will hit our target objective.

“Domination Inc. also announces the formal releases of Daisy Cutter-Bomb, and Mia Margarita. Mr. McMann says: “Unfortunately, both women were not performing up to standard in reaching our corporate objectives. We wish them well in their future endeavors.”

“About Domination Inc.: Domination Inc. is a consortium of wrestlers dedicated to making the group the elite in Political Championship Wrestling. Our mission statement is simple: Domination Inc. will facilitate the takeover of PCW by any and all means available to us.”

———–

Progressive Alliance personality Al Franken arrives outside the arena with P.A. Executive Director Tim Kaine. Franken smiles until he’s attacked from the air by Norm Coleman leaping from the roof of a car. Coleman slams Franken’s head into the driver’s side car window and shatters the glass. Kaine whaps Coleman with his briefcase. Newly hired American Patriots Leader Eric Cantor flies in and tackles Kaine.

PCW Security Director Dawn McGill arrives on scene and throws Coleman to the ground. Cantor gets in her face and receives a four inch stiletto heel to the groin from McGill.

Back inside, PCW CEO Barack Obama is in the ring and furious at Coleman’s attack. Obama gets ready to lay down the law when PCW Owner Bubba Jackson makes a surprise appearance. Jackson takes the microphone and states he’s tired of Coleman and Franken dragging this on and on and on. Jackson: “I could make a ruling on Coleman’s appeal to me but I think I have a better idea. Next week on PCW on P-SPAN, we will have in our main event Norm Coleman of the American Patriots versus Al Franken of the Progressive Alliance to settle their differences once and for all in a Hardcore Barbed Wire Deathmatch!”

————-

Match #2 Cadillac (Domination Inc.) vs. Richard Headd of Guys With Unfortunate First Names Given Their Last Name (Dr. Bill’s Island of Misfit Wrestlers)- no match. Jaguar immediately attacks Headd before the bell. Dr. Bill and the rest of the Island of Misfit Wrestlers run in to help but Dr. Bill holds SNAFU back and then the pair leave. Domination Inc. hits the ring en force and destroy the Island of Misfit Wrestlers before PCW Security Director Dawn McGill makes her third appearance of the night to chase them off.

Backstage, PCW Investigative Reporter Woodward Bernstein asks Dr. Bill why he turned his back on the Island of Misfit Wrestlers. Dr. Bill’s response: “Failure is no accident. You cannot be who and what you are unless you have a lifestyle, both internally and externally, that is designed to support that definition of self. I tried to raise up the Island of Misfit Wrestlers. I did the best I could. But in the end, a defining moment is much like a burn. If you lean up against a hot stove, in less than a second the event is over. But the pain can last for weeks, months. The Island of Misfit Wrestlers have to learn from these tough moments and it will make them better.” Dr. Bill then added that he wants to refocus his energies on making SNAFU the next PCW Television Champion.

————-

Nancy Pelosi of the Progressive Alliance and the president of the PCW Competition Committee walks to the ring and calls out PCW Women’s Champion ‘Extreme Political TV’ Tessa Martin. Tessa comes out to the ring.

A quick review of Pelosi’s statement from Friday’s PCW Newsline:

NANCY PELOSI (Progressive Alliance) CALLS THE AMERICAN HEARTLAND COALITION ‘EXTREMISTS’
“After PCW Women’s Champion ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin and the newly minted American Heartland Coalition disrupted Nancy Pelosi’s grand plan to punish Blue Dog D and RINO-Republican in Name Only for locking the Angry Left Wing Bloggers in a room and make them listen to music from Barney the Dinosaur, Pelosi had this to say about the group’s effort: “This initiative is funded by the high end; we call it AstroTurf, it’s not really a grass-roots movement. It’s AstroTurf by some of the wealthiest people in America to keep the focus on tax cuts for the rich instead of for the great middle class.”

When asked to expound on her comments: Pelosi’s lieutenants passed out a document that stated that the American Heartland Coalition wasn’t ‘all about average citizens.’ The document goes on to accuse the AHC of harboring extremist elements such as sucessionists and racists, pointing out the ‘Raving Rednecks’ Locke and Loade as one example.

For her part, Tessa Martin would not dignify Ms. Pelosi’s remark with a response. Martin’s only statement was that she would respond in kind in the ring Sunday night on PCW on P-SPAN.”

Pelosi tells her that the PCW Competition Committee voted to make her defend the PCW Women’s title tonight in a three-way dance against Emily List and Code Pink of the Progressive Alliance. Tessa: “You’re no better than the American Patriots or Domination Inc. Bring it on, bitch.”

Main Event for the PCW Women’s Title: ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin (American Heartland Coalition) vs. Emily List (Progressive Alliance) vs. Code Pink (Progressive Alliance)
Emily List and Code Pink doubleteam Tessa and the match quickly becomes a two on one beatdown. A double pin attempt gets broken up by American Heartland Coalition member Tequila Sheila. Then, Kathryn Randall Collins (Progressive Alliance) hits the ring and it becomes a three on two beatdown. Another pin attempt- another run-in. This time, it’s Politically Incorrect- Princess of Political Incorrectness Andrea Doria with Al Cahall and Nic Koteen who makes the save.

Pelosi climbs into the ring with a steel folding chair and sneaks behind Tessa. Tessa turns around and sees her. KRC rushes at the Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl, Tessa sidesteps KRC’s charge and Pelosi gets crunched in the corner. This brings out both the Angry Left Wing Bloggers (Daily Kos, Media Matters, Eric Alterman, and Paul Krugman) and Domination Inc. But before either group can make it to the ring, they end up brawling outside the ring with each other. In the chaos, Tessa Pizza Cutters Emily List and grabs the pin.

Winner and still PCW Women’s Champion: ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin

Post match: Andrea Doria gets on the microphone and announces that Politically Incorrect will join the American Heartland Coalition.

Then a shocking sight, former Domination Inc. member Daisy Cutter-Bomb (also former member of the Three Amigas with Tessa Martin and Tequila Sheila ) sheepishly walks out to the ring. A replay is shown of Daisy being kicked out of Domination Inc. last week. Another replay is shown of Daisy turning on Tessa last year and helping Kathryn Randall Collins become the number one contender for the PCW Women’s Title.

Daisy asks if she can also join the American Heartland Coalition. Tessa and Tequila Sheila both just look upon her in disgust and walk away.

————-

Other stories about:
Al Franken and Norm Coleman: CNN, PA Pundits, Broadcatching, Underground Conservative, ZZZlist, Past in Print Weblog, Trader Aaron’s Weblog, Thanks for Participating, Ribbie’s Weblog, The Zoo, Half Ninja, Noelism Wisdom,

Nancy Pelosi: Emails to the President, Wonderland Wire, Howie Rich’s Blog, Roger Hollander, American Catholic, Democratic-Socialist Views,

Huffington Post, ..   ..

9/16- PCW Extreme Political TV…’Olbermann- the BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG A-HOLE IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE!

PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV- September 16th from Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon in Westville, Ohio
HOST: Johnny Suave

Quick recap of the end of Lock and Load 3 where ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann and his new corporation (Randy ‘Road Rage’ Richardson aka Quadruple R…because Quadruple is better than Triple…, Kathryn Randall Collins, Bradley Scott Wilson Esq., and Richard Emerson Brantley III) disrupt the PCW Four-Way Title match between champion Starz N. Stripes (American Patriots), O’Beck Bahama (Progressive Alliance), Nic Koteen of Politically Incorrect (Libertarian), and ‘Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee of the Green World Order (Green). McMann’s corporation get their collective asses kicked by the four participants in the title match and make a hasty retreat.

Mr. McMann sits in his office. Quadruple R paces manically back and forth. He’s pissed off and ready to go back out and fight some more. McMann tries to calm him down. Quadruple R reminds him that he was promised the PCW title. McMann again tries to settle him down. Quad R then stomps out. McMann: “If I’m going to succeed in my ambitious plans to take over and remake PCW in my image, we’re going to need more firepower.” McMann dials the phone.

Suave comes on and announces that Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews from MSNBC are going to be joining him this week. But he can’t seem to find them.

PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE CONVENTION RECAP
Suave recaps the official unveiling of the Obama-Biden ticket. Joe Biden comes out to a modest introduction. Then Obama is brought out. He’s riding in a carrier held up by two men. Suave recognizes the two. Suave: “Hey! Isn’t that? Yes! HOLY CRAP! Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann are carrying Barack Obama into the hall!” Matthews and Olbermann take Obama to the podium while rose petals are tossed down in their path. A large horn fanfare heralds Obama’s speech and Matthews and Olbermann both watch, doe-eyed. Matthews: “When I listen to Obama speak, I can feeling something tingling down my leg.” Suave: “That’s just wrong…”

Afterwards, Olbermann and Matthews gush effusively about the speech.

MATCH #1- PCW TV TITLE MATCH- FUBAR © w/Dr. Bill vs. SNAFU
As promised, FUBAR gives his good friend SNAFU the first shot at his PCW TV Title. Quick paced match which sees FUBAR retaining the title via pin.

FUBAR and SNAFU shake hands afterwards. *“YEEEE-AAHHHH!”* Someone attacks FUBAR from behind. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! IT’S THE AMERICAN SCREAMER HOWARD DEAN! AND THAT’S ‘NO FRILLS’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO!” Escondido, the former PCW TV champion, joined the Progressive Alliance at Lock and Load and he wants the title back. Dean gets on the mic and runs down FUBAR, calling him nothing more than a pathetic jobber. Dean: “It’s only a matter of time before ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido defeats FUBAR and restores credibility to the PCW TV title and the Progressive Alliance will reign supreme over PCW.”

AMERICAN PATRIOTS CONVENTION RECAP
‘Straight Shootin’ John McCain announces the selection of Sarah Palin as his aide de camp, surprising…well…everyone. Olbermann and Matthews join Suave. Matthews is puzzled by the choice. Olbermann breaks off a nasty shot at Palin’s 17 year old daughter who happens to be pregnant. McCain gives his speech and Olbermann continues a string of snarky, smug, and condescending commentary as he goes along.

After the speech, Olbermann says McCain sucks and apologizes for the fact that McCain’s speech sucked. He adds that the video tribute to McCain sucks and apologizes for exploiting the images of a candidate who was a dead man walking. He adds the American Patriots sucks; people suck who aren’t obviously not at the same intellectual level as he is because they’re stupid enough to support the American Patriots, and most of all Bill O’Reilly sucks. Suave: “Well, so much for being unbiased. I guess compared to MSNBC, Fox News is actually fair and balanced.

Olbermann stomps over to Suave and confronts him. Suave doesn’t back down and compares what they’re doing to Obama to what Monica Lewinsky did for… Olbermann explodes and calls him…THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD! Olbermann: “How dare you compare me unfavorably to Fox News…OOFFFF!” Suave: “IT’S BILL O’REILLY!” O’Reilly throws Olbermann into the ring and flails away at him. A referee runs down and the bell rings. Suave: “WE’VE GOT AN IMPROMPU MATCH!”

MATCH #2 MSNBC’S KEITH OLBERMANN (Progressive Alliance) with Hardball Chris Matthews vs. BILL O’REILLY (American Patriots) of Fox News
Suave: “Here we go again! Another battle between two of the most extreme political personalities you’ll find here in PCW.” Olbermann charges O’Reilly, but he bails to the floor. The No-Spin Factor climbs back in and smirks at Olbermann. Olbermann pops him with a short left and O’Reilly heads back out again. Olbermann yells at the referee to get him back in the ring…or as he put it, “get him back in the ring, DAMMIT!” Olbermann becomes frustrated with O’Reilly’s stalling on the apron. The Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon crowd counts along with the referee to eight before O’Reilly slides back into the ring. Olbermann takes a wild swing at O’Reilly and misses. O’Reilly climbs out on the apron again and composes himself as Olbermann continues to swing at him. O’Reilly back in but gets caught by a spinning back kick right to the jaw. Olbermann tries to drive him down to the mat, but O’Reilly stands up with Olbermann hanging on his back and flips him off to the canvas. O’Reilly heads to the floor again and while Olbermann pouts like the prima donna, arrogant personality that he is. O’Reilly comes back in and flips Olbermann off, prompting more yelling from the MSNBC Countdown host. Olbermann charges again and another bail-out from O’Reilly.

MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow confronts O’Reilly on the floor. O’Reilly distracted, Hardball Matthews grabs steel-folding chair and waffles him with it. Crowd: “PCW…PCW!” Maddow and Matthews stomp away at the No-Spin Factor. Olbermann grabs the mic and taunts O’Reilly. The crowd boos. Olbermann tells them to shut their mouth and screams at O’Reilly. He calls the audience blind sheep and promises to put O’Reilly and the Fox News into a box. Matthews holds O’Reilly down as Olbermann climbs to the top of the corner turnbuckle. The crowd suddenly stands. A portly man jogs into the ring. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! IT’S CNN’S LOU DOBBS! AND HE’S GOT A STEEL-FOLDING CHAIR!”

Dobbs to the corner. *WHAP* Suave: “YES! Olbermann’s down!” Olbermann falls backwards off the top rope and lands back first on the canvas. Dobbs takes the mic and tells Olbermann ‘that one’s for my children whom you attacked because of my political views.’ Dobbs tells him he’s ‘hanging by a highly medicated thread’ much to the crowd’s delight. Dobbs: “You know, I might be the worst person in the world. But you, my friend, are the BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG A-HOLE IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE!”

*
Crowd: “PCW…PCW!” Dobbs throws down the chair and leaves.
*
GRATIUTOUS PLUG FOR LOOSE CANNONS AND OTHER WEAPONS OF MASS POLITICAL DESTRUCTION
J.D. Elder’s novel is a brilliant work of over-the-top satire that spares no one in modern American politics. By using professional wrestling, he is able to ingeniously mock the insanity in our corrupt two party system.” -author Stephen Hines

A fast-paced storyline laced with some of the best political satire I’ve read in quite some time, where no side (left or right, or even the luke-warm middle) is safe. In it, this book combines Pro Wresting, Humor and Politics for a down-right entertaining read…and maybe, just maybe, a few common sense solutions. ” – author Terry W. Ervin II

There are books that you curl up on a warm couch to read. This isn’t one of them.

Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction is a political satire for everyone fed up with the political status quo, an independent call to arms, a rowdy, hard-hitting, no holds barred novel that finally puts politics in proper perspective- by equating it to professional wrestling.

A dark cloud has covered the American political landscape. The powerful forces of professional partisans, political operatives, and special interest groups have combined to polarize the electorate into two bitterly divided extreme camps while many people tune out of the political process altogether.

Co-owner with Bubba Jackson of the world’s only political pro wrestling federation, Buckland County Extreme Wrestling, DeWayne Cantrell, a reformed politician, skewers the political world weekly on their BCEW wrestling show. BCEW is: Political. Hardcore. Extreme. Wrestling or PHEW!- accurately describing the current state of American politics.

But when powerful United States Senator David Hutchinson gets wind of the show, DeWayne finds himself being subpoenaed to appear before a Senate sub-committee on the ‘Media and Their Contribution to the Coarseness of the American Culture.’ After a heated exchange with Senator Hutchinson at the contentious hearing, Cantrell suddenly throws his hat in the political ring and challenges Hutchinson for his Senate seat.

Can DeWayne stand up for the little guy against the establishment of both political parties and stick it to the Washington D.C. elites?

To what lengths will the professional politicians and their special interest groups go to stop him?

And will American politics ever be the same?

Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction is available at various online bookstores. Check out this funny and occasionally biting political satire online at Lulu.com, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Borders, and Books A-Million. Or you can order it direct from: Prairie Depot Press/P.O. Box 25/Wauseon, Ohio 43567
***
Official Press Release from Prairie Depot Press

A quick video package follows for the upcoming battle between Norm Coleman of the American Patriots and Al Franken from the Progressive Alliance. Suave announces that Coleman and Franken will face off in November at PCW Extreme Election 2008.

MATCH #3 PCW TITLE MATCH- ‘The Original Rookie Sensation’ STARZ N. STRIPES © w/John McCain (American Patriots) vs. ‘The New Rookie Sensation’ O’BECK BAHAMA w/Barack Obama (Progressive Alliance)
‘The New Rookie Sensation’ continues to show his quick improvement in the ring and actually outwrestles the PCW champion early on. Bahama chops Starz. Bad move. Drop toe hold followed by an elbow drop puts Bahama back on the defensive. Starz hits a rolling elbow and nearly knocks Bahama out cold. Facelock by Starz. Nice counter by Bahama avoids an armdrag, and he plants Starz down on his face. Bahama rolls backward gets a two count. Bahama with an elbow. He charges to the corner and eats a kick from the PCW champion. Starz throws him out to the floor. McCain comes up from behind and wraps a television cable around Bahama’s neck. Suave: “Way…whoa…what is John McCain doing?” Starz slaps Bahama around. He jumps on the barricade and lands a flying forearm.

Back in the ring, Bahama fights his way forward and suplexes Starz. Bahama dropkick sends the champion into the corner. Starz blocks the Tiger Driver and reverses into a powerbomb. Cover for two. Reverse again and Bahama gets two off the Cradle Backbreaker, but McCain saves Starz by putting his foot on the ropes. Obama yells over at McCain. McCain yells back and then reaches in and trips Bahama, which allows Starz to hit another flying elbow. Suave notes the increasingly aggressive tactics John McCain is employing.

Libertarian Bob Barr walks out with Politically Incorrect’s Nic Koteen, Pith Lord Darth (Ralph) Nader, and ‘Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee and demands to know why neither Koteen or Lee were included in tonight’s match. Suave notes that both men were screwed out of their PCW title shot at Lock and Load 3. Nader pithily observes ‘this proves there’s no difference between the American Patriots and the Progressive Alliance!” Bahama turns away from Starz to see what the commotion is. Starz charges and crunches Bahama into the ropes and then flips him over his head. One…two…three. Suave: “Again, the PCW champion is able to outsmart the younger, inexperienced O’Beck Bahama and…HOLY CRAP!” Cut to Barack Obama lying on the floor and John McCain walking away with a Singapore cane in hand.

Immediately, Arianna Huffington and the Angry Left Wing Bloggers (Paul Krugman, Daily Kos, Media Matters For America, and Eric Alterman) charge the ring and McCain disappears in a swarm of unhappy liberal activists. Then Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, Sean Hannity, and…Sarah Palin run out. Palin has a hockey stick and starts wailing away and it completely breaks down as all the members of the Progressive Alliance and American Patriots stream out to join the fray.

Suave: “I…I don’t believe it. This was going to be different. This contest was going to aspire to be more than doing anything to win. This wasn’t going to be the same old, same old…”

—-

PCW at Blogger

PCW at AOL

9/2- PCW Extreme Political TV…Madonna’s picture show, Corporate war, McCain’s houses, Barack’s running mate

 

PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV- MORE FROM PCW LOCK AND LOAD 3 August 24TH from PCW Hall in Eagle Rock, Ohio
HOST: Johnny Suave on play-by-play with his life-size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain on color commentary

EXPLODING SHEEP UNDERGROUND PRODUCTIONS
Movie screen comes down and starts to show different images. Several photos of Madonna appear. Next, a Rubik’s cube. Molly Ringwald. Debbie Gibson. Then ALF. Suave: “Oh! I get it. Old, washed up relics from the 80’s!”

Suave: “We are back at PCW Lock and Load 3. We’re still waiting for Barack Obama to formally announce who his aide de camp will be.” Suave notes that he’s still waiting for Obama to text the name of his aide de camp. Suave: “Okay, we’re going to check out another one of John McCain’s houses to see if he’s there.

JOHN McCAIN’S HOUSE…AGAIN
The camera shows no one there. Suave: “Damn. I guess we’ll try another one of his houses later.”

Suave recaps the Big Oil/American Trucker/Average Joe feud. Big Oil and his tag team partner, the Wall Street Market Analyst with a huge man crush on ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit, Kirk Walstreit defeats American Trucker and Average Joe at the PCW Loose Cannons Unleashed pay per view in June and get revenge on the duo for taking Big Oil’s big ass wheelbarrow full of cash. Per the stipulation, American Trucker had to give back his brand new semi-truck and Average Joe his brand new house. But then…

The crowd boos and throws debris into the ring. Big Oil gives the American Trucker an Oklahoma Driller just for spit. He takes the mic and gloats. He holds up four fingers to signify ‘$4 per gallon of gas’ and tells both Average Joe and American Trucker that you ‘don’t @#$# with people with money and power.’ Big Oil: “We can do anything we want to and there’s nothing you can do or say to stop us.” More boos and debris. Big Oil holds his hand out and demands that American Trucker turn over the title to his semi-truck and Average Joe the title to his house. The Extreme Attorneys- Felcher and Felcher, walk out to the ring. R Felcher goes to Big Oil and hands him a sheet of paper. Big Oil: “What the @#$# is this?” R Felcher: “This is an injunction.” The PCW fans stand and cheer. Big Oil looks stunned. B Felcher: “This injunction prohibits you, or anyone else, from taking possession the American Trucker’s truck or Average Joe’s house.” R Felcher: “This means, both items in question will stay in the possession of the American Trucker and Average Joe. Suave: “I don’t believe it! The crowd is actually cheering the Extreme Attorneys.” Big Oil throws a major in ring fit and leaves. On the way out, he shouts if Average Joe’s house and American Trucker’s rig isn’t returned to him, he’ll push for $5 per gallon gas prices. The crowd continues to jeer Big Oil all the way to the back. Suave can’t believe that the Extreme Attorneys have come to the rescue of Average Joe and the American Trucker. Suave: “It’s almost like that scene from Philadelphia where Denzel Washington refuses to take Tom Hanks’s case. Then Hanks goes to the library to research AIDS discrimination cases. Denzel sees the way he’s treated and it totally changes his attitude.” B Felcher: “Naah. They just gave us part of the money in the wheelbarrow as a retainer.” Suave: “Figures.”

George W. sits ringside and continues to enjoys the action.

Big Oil in the ring with Kirk Walstreit. American Trucker and Average Joe come out with the Extreme Attorneys Felcher and Felcher. Big Oil gets on the mic and tells American Trucker and Average Joe that all the legal maneuvering won’t keep him from taking back what’s rightfully his. Big Oil: “This time, I’ve brought in my own…legal assistance.” Suddenly, Rough Justice (D.B. Ruff and Conner Justice- two former police officers fired for their rough, often over the top, and extreme style of justice) hit the ring and attack Felcher and Felcher. Referee in ring and calls for the bell.

MATCH #1- BIG OIL w/Texas Tex and KIRK WALSTREIT vs. AVERAGE JOE and the AMERICAN TRUCKER
Suave: “This will decide this feud once and for all. If Average Joe and American Trucker lose, they must give back the money, the semi-truck, and the house.” Rough Justice continues to mug the Extreme Attorneys outside the ring. Big Oil starts with American Trucker and proceeds to beat him all over the ring. Big Oil takes Trucker into the corner so he and Walsteit can isolate him. Average Joe jumps in and clips Big Oil’s legs. Trucker goes Chuck Norris on Walstreit and then hits a sweet enziguri. Double team clothesline on Big Oil followed by tandem drop kicks.

After leaving the Felchers lying in a pool of their own blood, Rough Justice climbs into the ring and blasts Average Joe and American Trucker from behind. A four on two beatdown ensues. Big Oil and Walsteit take turns hitting their finishers on Average Joe and American Trucker. Big Oil drags American Trucker back to his feet again and nails him with another Oklahoma Driller. Walstreit then follows with another Stock Market Plunge on Average Joe. Then American Trucker and Average Joe are draped over the ropes. Texas Tex gets in the ring and undoes his big golden money belt. Big Oil gets a mic. Big Oil: “This is what happens to little people when they bite off more than they can chew. I want money back now.” Big Oil spins American Trucker around. Big Oil: “NOW!” American Trucker: “F@#$ YOU!” and spits in Big Oil’s face. Another Oklahoma Driller follows. Suave: “That’s enough!” Big Oil takes the golden money belt and starts whipping American Trucker with it. Suave goes apoplectic. Suave: “Someone stop this…say…why is that old lady coming towards the ring? Wait a minute! That’s not just your ordinary old lady! That’s 85 year old grandma, Leda Smith. She’s the old lady who held an intruder in her house at gunpoint and made him call the police on himself.”

Grandma hits the ring. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! SHE’S GOT A GUN!” Leda zaps D.B. Ruff and he falls unconscious. Suave: “STUN-GUN! She’s got a stun-gun! SHE JUST TOOK OUT RUFF. CHECK THAT, SHE JUST TOOK OUT JUSTICE TOO…HOLY CRAP! SHE JUST ZAPPED KIRK WALSTREIT!” Big Oil glares menacingly at the 85 year old grandma. Average Joe hops on Big Oil’s back. Suave: “SLEEPER! AVERAGE JOE HAS HIM IN THE SLEEPER HOLD!” Big Oil tries get away. Leda zaps him for good measure. Big Oil drops to the canvas. Average Joe covers…1…2…3.

WINNER: AVERAGE JOE and AMERICAN TRUCKER

Suave: “THEY DID IT! SCORE ONE FOR THE ORDINARY PEOPLE! Average Joe gets to keep his house and the American Trucker keeps his semi-truck! And speaking of miracles, let’s go back to the PCW TV title match at Loose Cannons Unleashed 4 in June…”

MATCH #2- REPLAY OF THREE WAY DANCE FOR THE PCW TELEVISION TITLE: INDIANOLA JONES © (Independent) vs. FUBAR w/his Life Coach, Dr. Bill (Jobber) vs. ‘No Frills’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO (Independent)
Suave:

“Last week, after taking some advice from Escondido about getting a life coach, FUBAR took the PCW Television champion to the limit with help from Dr. Bill. We’ll see just how he…HOLY CRAP…INDIANOLA JONES IS SOMEHOW STUMBLING TO THE RING.” Still feeling the after effects of the savage beatdown from Big Oil and Rough Justice, a bloody 65 year old Jones crawls into the ring and collapses. Suave: “HE CAN’T WRESTLE! THERE’S JUST NO WAY!” Escondido agrees. He checks on Jones. Dr. Bill wanders over and pushes Escondido out of the ring. FUBAR’s not sure what’s happening. The bell hasn’t rung yet. Dr. Bill implores the ref to ring the bell. Bell rings and FUBAR quickly pins Jones.

INDIANOLA JONES ELIMINATED

An angry Escondido climbs back into the ring and starts chasing Dr. Bill around the ring. Dr. Bill drops his clipboard at FUBAR’s foot. FUBAR picks up the clipboard and potatoes Escondido in the kisser with it. Cover. 1…2…3?

WINNER AND NEW PCW TELEVISION CHAMPION: FUBAR (Independent)

Suave: “I don’t believe it. This just didn’t happen, did it?” FUBAR stands in the ring and looks bit a lost as the referee puts the TV belt around his waist. Dr. Bill raises his hand up. Suave admits that you can’t argue with the results.

JOBBER’S LOUNGE
SNAFU, Michael Hunt and Richard Headd of Guys With Unfortunate First Names Given Their Surnames, Black Swamp Pirate, Snott Flemmstein, and Dr. Ivan Rectum- Fighting Proctologist sit in a converted bathroom. FUBAR, accompanied by his irritatingly grating positive, self-help coach Dr. Bill, comes out of the stall and brings out the PCW Television Title belt. ALL: “OOOOOOOOOOOHHH!” Suave: “Ahhhh, yes. Just like Farmer Ted holding up Molly Ringwald’s panties (In case you’re wondering about the referee, see the 80’s flick Sixteen Candles), FUBAR holds up the PCW Title Belt for all to see.”

Chris Escondido comes in and he DISAPPROVES! Escondido calls it a joke that a jobber aka talent enhancement holds the PCW TV title and challenges FUBAR for a title shot. FUBAR tells Escondido that his first TV Title defense will go to one of the jobbers! The jobbers cheer. Escondido thinks its ridiculous. Then an aide to Progressive Alliance leader Howard ‘The American Screamer’ Dean enters and asks Escondido to come with him.

JOHN McCAIN’S HOUSE- AGAIN
Shot of another empty house. No McCain.

HOWARD DEAN’S OFFICE
The aide escorts Chris Escondido into Dean’s office. Dean tells Escondido that it’s time for him to come back to the Progressive Alliance. Dean: “I am authorized by Barack Obama to offer you the number two slot in the Progressive Alliance stable.” Escondido mulls the offer and asks Dean what it means. Dean: “It means we would push you for the PCW Television belt. What do you say?” Escondido grins. Escondido: “You’ve got a deal.”

Suave: “Chris Escondido, back with the Progressive Alliance! All right, next on PCW…hold on.” Suave looks at his cell phone- he has a text message. Suave: “This could be it! We could know just who Barack Obama has chosen to be his aide de camp!” Suave checks the text message. Suave: “OMG…LOL…BFF? What the hell? This isn’t a message from Barack Obama; it’s a message from one of my daughter’s friends!”

‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann saunters out. Suave: “Well. This is a surprise. The last time we saw the so-called ‘Sports Entertainment Genius, this happened to him…”

REPLAY OF MR. McMANN SEGMENT FROM LOOSE CANNONS UNLEASHED 4 PPV

Mr. McMann calls out PCW CEO George W. and demands that he choose between him and his ‘genius’ or the convoluted trainwreck, overbooked matches that Rousseau specializes in. The horribly off-key mariachi band comes out playing ‘Hail to the Chief.’ Suave: “I guess we’re going to find out-” The mariachi band suddenly shifts songs and starts playing an equally hideous, really bad, off-key version of Def Leppard’s ‘Rock, Rock, Til You Drop!” Suave: “Wait a minute! That’s not PCW CEO George W coming out. It’s the EXTREME EQUALIZER- WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT!”

Mr. McMann: “Now wait a second…wait!…HEY! NOOOOOOO!” Kick. Chokeslam. Goodnight, Mr. McMann. Rousseau tries to exit the ring but Whiskey Tango Foxtrot catches him. Kick. Chokeslam. Goodnight, Mr. Rousseau. For good measure, WTF takes out the horribly off-key mariachi band too.

The crowd gives him a standing ovation as he leaves.

Suave: “And then, at the end of Loose Cannons Unleashed 4…”

A stretch limousine pulls up to Triple R and KRC. The darkened window goes down and ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann sticks his head out the window. Mr. McMann: “So. Are you in or are you out?” Triple R and KRC look at each other. Then they get into the limo.

McMann thanks his many fans (who are booing him). McMann: “PCW. Join the NEW revolution? What revolution?” More boos. McMann: “No, really. What’s the most traffic PCW has received on a given day? Seventeen? How many people clicked on the last pay per view? Twenty-five? Give me a break!” Louder boos. McMann then rips on J.D. Elder’s new book Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction. McMann: “It’s an independently produced book. Who gives a rat’s ass about it? How many have you sold? Forty? Please!” McMann calls PCW and the author of the novel ‘incredibly naive. McMann: “Unrealistic. The fact is money equals power. Only corporations can efficiently produce wrestling shows and books for a mass audience. You need corporate strength to reach your objectives. That’s why no one reads this site. That’s why no one buys your books.”

McMann brings out his corporate business associates. The former team called Corporate World- Bradley Scott Wilson and Richard Emerson Brantley III walk to the ring followed by a spiffed up Triple R and Kathryn Randall Collins sporting a nice business ensemble. McMann: “I’d like to introduce my two mainstays who will help take our corporation to the top here in PCW. Kathryn Randall Collins aka KRC. And Randy ‘Road Rage’ Richardson…or as well now call him- Quadruple R!” Suave: “Quadruple R?” McMann: “Watch it, Suave. That name’s trademarked. Suave: “Sorry.” McMann goes on to explain that Quadruple R has more power and prestige than a measly ‘Triple R.’ He then proclaims himself as the only one true visionary of professional wrestling who knows more about what the audience wants than the audience themselves. McMann: “Once we get all of you trained to love my brand of pro wrestling, then, and only then, will you truly appreciate my genius.”

Female voice: “Bulls#$#!” The crowd rises and cheers. Suave: “It’s her! PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin- one third of the 3 Amigas! She nearly defeated the PCW Women’s champion Opal Winfree at Loose Cannons Unleashed 4!” Tessa tells McMann that he tried to buy her but she and her independent spirit can’t be bought. McMann reminds her that she lost at Loose Cannons Unleashed 4 and it was time for someone else to get a title shot- mainly Kathryn Randall Collins. McMann: “Prepare to feel the full wrath of my corporate power!” KRC clotheslines Tessa. Quadruple R then holds her so KRC can pummel her with shots. McMann: “That’s right! Who dares to defy me? Who thinks they can stand up to my corporate power!”

Apparently, the other two members of the 3 Amigas do. Daisy Cutter-Bomb rushes out and starts caning the crap out of Quadruple R with a Singapore cane. Tequila Sheila belts KRC aside the head with her blender. Daisy hits a ‘Daisy Cutter Powerbomb on KRC and then chases McMann and his other corporate cronies away.

JOHN McCAIN SEGMENT
McCain comes out with the PCW Champion Starz N. Stripes. Suave: “Jesus, John. We’ve been trying to track you down at all of your houses. Just how many houses do you own?” McCain: “Hell if I know.”

Suave transitions to the four-way fight for the PCW Title. First out is Libertarian Bob Barr. Barr brings Nic Koteen of Politically Incorrect out with him. Next is Darth (Ralph) Nader of the Green World Order. Nader’s champion is the Extreme Vegan Brock Cole Lee.

Then, small children unroll a plush, nice white carpeting down the aisle. Two girls skip down the carpet throwing rose petals into the air as they go. John Legend comes down singing some song that has various snippets of Barack Obama speeches interspersed in it. Trumpets sound. And then…he’s here! Riding a golden chariot pulled by a glistening white stallion. Suave: “Okay. I don’t know just quite what the hell that was all about. But here comes Barack Obama.” Obama’s followed by the Progressive Alliance contender for the PCW Title, O’Beck Bahama.

Finally, the PCW Champion appears. Suave: “Here comes Starz N. Stripes…HE GETS HIT FROM BEHIND! IT’S JOE BIDEN.” Suave’s cell phone signals a text message. Suave: “IT’S HIM! IT’S HIM. JOE BIDEN IS BARACK OBAMA’S AIDE DE CAMP!” Biden goes right after McCain and they brawl. Starz and O’Beck Bahama get into it. Nic Koteen and Brock Cole Lee also lock up.

MATCH #3 PCW TITLE MATCH- STARZ N. STRIPES w/John McCain (American Patriots) vs. O’BECK BAHAMA (Progressive Alliance) vs. NIC KOTEEN (Libertarian) vs. BROCK COLE LEE (Green World Order)
The second the referee calls for the bell, Mr. McMann and his new corporation suddenly return. Suave: “What the hell? They’re back?” Quadruple R, Bradley Scott Wilson, Richard Emerson Brantley III, and Kathryn Randall Collins hit the ring and attack. A scrum develops with the four contestants for the PCW title. Now working together, O’Beck, Starz, Nic Koteen, and Brock Cole Lee fight back against McMann’s corporation. Huge brawl develops. The ref scrubs the match and the free-for-all continues.

Suave: “PCW season four underway! We’ll see you next time as the road to PCW Extreme Election Night 2008 in November begins!”

******
J.D. Elder’s novel Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction is available online from Lulu.com, Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Books-A-Million, and Borders.
******
Or send $18.50 to Prairie Depot Press/P.O. Box 25/Wauseon, OH 43567
*****
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*****
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Prairie Depot Press

 

8/25-PCW Extreme Political TV Returns! WTF…John Edwards? John McCain’s houses. Olbermann v O’Reilly again in Extreme Scaffold Match

 

QUESTIONS AS PCW-POLITICAL CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING RETURNS:
-The road to PCW Extreme Election Night 2008 begins in earnest. The PCW CEO contest and political shenanigans heat up as John McCain of the American Patriots, Barack Obama of the Progressive Alliance, Darth (Ralph) Nader from the Green World Order, and Libertarian Bob Barr vie to replace George W.
-We’ll find out what happens next in the continuing Big Oil/American Trucker/Average Joe feud. AT and Average Joe hired the Extreme Attorneys Felcher and Felcher to stop Big Oil from taking American Trucker’s semi-truck and Average Joe’s house. How will Big Oil respond?
-Will the new PCW TV champion FUBAR continue to improve under the guidance of his Life Coach Dr. Bill?
-Will ‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin finally make it to the top of the PCW Women’s division?
-And last but not least, what the hell is ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann up to? And how does ‘The Angry Highway Warrior’ Triple R (Road Rage Randy) and Kathryn Randall Collins aka KRC figure in his plans?

PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV- FROM PCW LOCK AND LOAD 3 August 24TH from PCW Hall in Eagle Rock, Ohio
****
HOST: Johnny Suave on play-by-play with his life-size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain on color
****
PCW OVERVIEW (for the uninitiated)****

JOHN EDWARDS
John Edwards stands in the ring to explain the recent relevation of his affair with Rielle Hunter while his wife, Elizabeth, was fighting cancer. The PCW Hall crowd boos him unmercifully. Edwards states that his ‘Lord and wife have forgiven me and I’m moving on with my life.’ That doesn’t go over very well with the PCW faithful who chant ‘A**-hole…a**-hole’ in return. Edwards: Well, at least I had the decency to wait until my wife went into remission before having the affair!”

Def Leppard’s ‘Rock, Rock Til You Drop’ blares. The hall explodes when the Extreme Enforcer Whiskey Tango Foxtrot (WTF) runs down to the ring followed by a referee. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! WE’RE GOING TO HAVE AN IMPROMPU MATCH!”

MATCH #1 ‘The Extreme Political Equalizer’ WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT vs. JOHN EDWARDS (Progressive Alliance)
Edwards cowers in the corner. Crowd: F@#@ him up Whis-key, f@#@ him up! (clap-clap). He tries to get out of the ring. WTF pulls him back in by his belt and throws him to the canvas. Edwards calls out for help- no one comes to his rescue. WTF lifts Edwards up by the neck and chokeslams him back down on the canvas. Crowd: “PCW!…PCW!” Suave: “That should do it…but WTF goes out and throws in a table!” The table is set up. WTF lifts Edwards up a second time and chokeslams him through the table. Crowd: “PCW!…PCW!” Suave: “Okay. That should do it…but…oh no. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot just called for two more tables.” WTF sets up the tables on top of the other. He drags Edwards over to the corner. WTF climbs the turnbuckle and drags Edwards up with him. Suave can’t watch. WTF powerbombs Edwards through two tables. Crowd: “Holy s***! Holy s***!” Suave: “All right. Just pin him already.” WTF covers for the easy pin.

WINNER: ‘The Extreme Political Equalizer’ WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT

Johnny Suave steps into the ring and welcomes everyone to PCW Lock and Load 3. Suave: “Tonight will be a unique night. PCW reloads to start another year. Tonight, we find out who will become Barack Obama’s aide de camp. Tonight, we may see another battle between the “Original Rookie Sensation” and current PCW champion Starz N. Stripes and the “New Rookie Sensation” O’Beck Bahama. After that, who knows what’s going to happen. Let’s go back two and a half months to PCW Loose Cannons Unleashed 4 to the end of the show.

MATCH #2 REPLAY FROM PCW LOOSE CANNONS UNLEASHED 4- PCW TITLE MATCH: ‘The Original Rookie Sensation’ STARZ N. STRIPES © w/John McCain (American Patriots) vs. ‘The New Rookie Sensation’ O’BECK BAHAMA w/Barack Obama (Progressive Alliance)
Suave:

“This is it. O’Beck Bahama has come a long way in his very short time here PCW. Does he have enough experience behind him to pull off the win over Starz N. Stripes tonight? Or is Starz still a couple steps ahead of him.” Charlene Ann Beckworth does the full ring introductions for both wrestlers. Bahama and Starz also shake hands in the ring. The bell rings.

A little staredown and then O’Beck shoves Starz right out of the box. Starz smiles and they circle around each other before locking up. Starz hits a bodyslam and Bahama retreats to the corner to slow things up. Both men stare each other down again. Another lockup, this time O’Beck pushes Starz into the corner and uncorks a wild right hand that the PCW champion easily ducks. Starz with a side headlock. Bahama shoots him into the ropes but Starz hangs onto them. Bahama aggressively chases down Starz and attempts to cut him off. Starz slides out of the ring and takes a walk.Starz back in and they lock up yet again. Bahama pushes Starz into the corner and delivers the boots to the gut. Out of nowhere, Starz stiffs him with a jarring right hand that sends O’Beck flying across the ring and out to the floor. Starz slingshots himself out of the ring and crushes Bahama against the steel barricade. Irish whip into the barricade on the other side. Starz throws Bahama back in the ring. Irish whip from Starz. Starz ducks for a backdrop but Bahama turns it into a neckbreaker. Bahama starts laying in right hands and sends Starz out this time through the ropes. Starz back up on the apron. Bahama charges into him and sends the PCW champion flying off the apron and onto a table. O’Beck wastes no time in climbing the top rope and putting Starz through the table. Crowd: “PCW…PCW!” Starz crawls out of the wreckage but Bahama follows up with a suplex. Suave: “The New Rookie Sensation is on his A game tonight. Starz could be in big trouble.” Suave also notes that both Obama and McCain have stayed clear of interfering in the match.

Bahama puts Starz in the abdominal stretch. Starz powers out of it into a hip toss. Bahama presses the attack, grabbing a nearby steel folding chair and waffling the champion in the face with it. Starz thrown in the ring. Bahama goes for the win. Suave: “1…2…NO! STARZ SOMEHOW KICKS OUT!!” Bahama can’t believe it and goes for another cover. Starz kicks out again. Bahama goes for a piledriver. Starz gets his feet back down and flips the New Rookie Sensation behind him. Running power bomb takes the air out of Bahama. Starz covers. Suave: “1…2…OBAMA PUT HIS FOOT ON THE ROPES!!” McCain shouts something over to Obama. Starz hits another running power bomb. This time, Obama gets up on the apron and distracts the referee just as Starz rolls him up. Suave counts to at least a five-count, but the referee is talking with Obama. Bahama hits another neckbreaker out of nowhere. The referee counts to two before the champion gets a shoulder up in time. Suave: “WHAT A MATCH! THIS IS THE BEST BAHAMA HAS LOOKED YET!”

Bahama climbs to the top rope but Starz crotches him on the top turnbuckle. Bahama tied in the tree of woe. McCain throws Starz a chair. Baseball slide and Bahama is potatoed with the chair. Roll up. Obama again pulls the referee’s attention away. McCain slams his hands on the canvas in frustration. Starz releases the hold. Suave: “Barack Obama again saves O’Beck Bahama from…WAIT A MINUTE! HERE COMES JOE LIEBERMAN!” Lieberman and Obama continue their debate from earlier in the night. Bahama gets up and sees Obama arguing with Lieberman. He turns his back on Starz and leans across the ropes. Starz slaps on the American Stars Double Fuji Bar submission hold and drives Bahama to the canvas. The referee is right there. Obama can’t get past Lieberman. O’Beck taps out.

WINNER AND STILL PCW CHAMPION: ‘The Original Rookie Sensation’ STARZ N. STRIPES (American Patriots)

Suave: “Starz N. Stripes holds on to the title. But O’Beck Bahama turned in an impressive performance. Only one title changes tonight, the PCW Television Title won by FUBAR…what?…

 

 

BARACK OBAMA PROMO
Obama notes that if it weren’t for the interference of Independent Joe Lieberman, O’Beck Bahama may be the PCW champion. Barack believes John McCain’s time is winding down and that it is time for someone fresh and new. Obama: “That’s why the Progressive Alliance chose me as their nominee and that’s why I will become the next CEO of PCW.” Obama tells all his fans that he will text the name of his aide de camp to them first before making a formal public announcement at the end of tonight’s pay per view. He then calls on McCain to have Starz put the PCW title up again against his wrestler, O’Beck Bahama. Suave climbs into the ring and asks him if he thinks O’Beck is ready to win the title? Obama: “Well? For me to answer that is a little outside my pay grade. But, let me say this- tonight’s as good of night as any for O’Beck to win the title.”

Suave: “Well? Let’s see what John McCain has to say. We’re going live to one of his houses…John?”

JOHN McCAIN’S HOUSE
There’s a seat with a microphone laying on it. But no John McCain. Suave: “Mr. McCain. Mr. McCain? Hmmm…he must not be at that house. We’ll try again later.”

GEORGE W SEGMENT
A hideously off-key mariachi band plays ‘Hail to the Chief’ and leads PCW CEO George W and his aide de camp Dick to the ring. W notes that he recently went to the Summer Olympics and had a good ol’ time just being a ‘fan.’ He states he’s just going to sit at ringside, just like the Olympics, and be a fan here tonight. W tells Obama he’s got his rematch because, as a wrestling fan, he’d sure like to see Starz and O’Beck meet up again.

Libertarian Bob Barr and Green Pith Lord Darth Nader come out to object. They complain that the process is unfairly stacked towards the American Patriots and the Progressive Alliance factions. W: “Tell ya’ll what. You go find yourselves someone to wrestle, and we’ll make tonight’s match a four-way for the PCW title!”

Suave: “So, it’s on. Not only does O’Beck Bahama from the Progressive Alliance gets another title shot against PCW champion Starz N. Stripes, but a representative from the Libertarians and the Green’s?”

MATCH #3 EXTREME SCAFFOLD MATCH- MSNBC’S KEITH OLBERMANN (Progressive Alliance) vs. BILL O’REILLY of Fox News (American Patriots)
Suave: “Well? This ought to be good, as always. Both men hate each other. And now, we’ve taken the next extreme step by going to a scaffold match. The winner is the one who pushes the other off the scaffolding.” The scaffold is lifted over the ring with several tables below it inside the ring to ‘cushion’ the fall. Both men meet in the middle of the scaffold and immediately attack each other. Olbermann rakes the eyes. O’Reilly goes low. Both try to push the other off. O’Reilly hits clubbing blows to Olbermann. Then they try to throttle each other.

Suave spots someone climbing up the scaffolding. Suave: “Hey. Who’s that…hold on…that’s…yes, that’s Daily Show host Jon Stewart! He’s joining Olbermann and O’Reilly on the scaffolding.” Stewart castigates O’Reilly. Stewart: “Fox’s ‘fair and balanced’ slogan is an insult to people with brains.” O’Reilly sneers back at Stewart and mocks the ‘crash and burn ratings’ when he hosted this year’s Oscars. Stewart then turns to Olbermann. Stewart: “And as for you, Olbermann. News flash- MSNBC and CNN aren’t much better.” Now Olbermann glares at Stewart. Stewart declares that newspapers are a better source of political coverage but get overshadowed by the 24 hour news cycle driving the narratives. Stewart then pushes both Olbermann and O’Reilly off the scaffolding and they fall through the tables set up below. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Another ‘PCW’ chant rings out. The referee doesn’t quite know what to do. He finally waves off the match as both men fell from the scaffolding at the same time.

WINNER: No one.

Suave: “I hope they’re all right-…who’s this?” A Cuban man dressed in taekwondo garb comes out and argues with the referee. Suave: “WAIT A MINUTE! THAT’S CUBAN TAEKWONDO ATHLETE ANGEL MATOS! WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING OUT HERE? AND WHO’S THE WRINKLED, DRIED UP FOSSIL WITH HIM…oh, wait. That’s former Cuban dictator Fidel Castro. Matos argues with the referee about stopping the match? Why? Both men are out and- HOLY CRAP! HE JUST KICKED THE REFEREE IN THE FACE!” Referee down. Castro and Matos taunts him. Carnage in the ring. Crowd chants ‘PCW!’

*
JOHN McCAIN’S HOUSE- Part 2
There’s a seat with a microphone laying on it. But once again, no John McCain. Suave: “Okay, he’s not at that house either. We’ll check back on John McCain next time with more from PCW Lock and Load 3.”
******
J.D. Elder’s novel Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction is available online from Lulu.com, Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Books-A-Million, and Borders.
******
Or send $18.50 to Prairie Depot Press/P.O. Box 25/Wauseon, OH 43567
*****
*****
*****

 

Season #4 of PCW on the way!

In two weeks, the final push towards PCW Extreme Election Night 2008 begins with the kick off show of the year- PCW Lock and Load. Lock and Load means exactly that- PCW reloads and starts another season of political wrestling.

PCW Rewind From Year One: Loose Cannons Unleashed 2 from March, 2006

The final PPV from the first season of PCW- back when it was BCEW (Buckland County Extreme Wrestling). From March 2006: BCEW- Loose Cannons Unleashed 2. Also, notable is the first appearance of The Original Rookie Sensation Starz N. Stripes and the PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin.
***
BCEW announcer Johnny Suave and his lifesize cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain are inside the ring.

Suave: “Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon. This is LOOSE CANNONS UNLEASHED TWO!

Suave pauses as the crowd reacts in its usual enthusiastic manner.

Suave: I am Johnny Suave, the voice of BCEW. Next to me is a lifesize cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. Big doings going on tonight. Our main event will be a no disqualification, falls count anywhere in the building, extreme grudge match to determine once and for all who the new #1 contender to the BCEW men’s title will be. The Progressive Alliance hopes it’s Justin Sufferable.

The crowd chants: Justin A**hole! (clap, clap clap-clap-clap)

Suave: A very popular person here in BCEW. His opponent from the American Patriots- A. Tom Bomb. The Drunken Luchador’s Don and Dave- The Flyin’ Martini Brothers put the BCEW men’s tag team titles on the line tonight against the Dixie Chucks. Candiloosa Ricearoni will defend her BCEW women’s title against a very dangerous opponent- Dr. Annabel Lecktor aka Annabel the Cannibal. We’ve got a whole lot more to get to but-

Man’s voice: Hold on! Hold on a second!

Suave: What the hell? It’s CBS College Basketball personalities Jim Nantz and Billy Packer? What are they doing here?The crowd picks up on their presence and a “THEY SCREWED HOFSTRA” chant erupts. This annoys the hell out of Billy “The ACC is God” Packer.

Packer: Just shut up. Shut up with that weak mid-major nonsense. Hofstra didn’t deserve to be in the tournament. They don’t play in an elite league like the ACC.

Crowd: BOOOOOOO!!!!!

Nantz: It’s true! I don’t know where the NCAA selection committee came up with their wacky voodoo RPI. Missouri State? 21? Hofstra? 30? There’s something wrong when deserving teams from the power conferences get screwed out of a tournament berth by some lowly mid-major team who doesn’t belong on the same court with them.

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Suave: Well, they’re certainly endearing themselves to the crowd.

Packer: (holds up sheet of paper) See! Right here it shows that the tournament record for the ACC and other power conferences is far better than the mid-majors!

Suave: (sarcastically) Yeah Billy! The power conferences also get the benefit of better seeding and the fact that they won’t go on the road and play a mid-major team at their home floor. That’s really fair!

Packer: Oh yeah? This paper proves that to give the Missouri Valley four teams in the league is a joke because they’re not close to OOFFF!

Packer gets tackled by ten college students.

Suave: HOLY CRAP! They’re wearing Missouri State sweatshirts. They’re from Missouri State! And they got screwed over by the NCAA committee.

The students swarm over Packer. He desperately tries to cover up.

Suave: Look at them! They’re just wailing on Billy Packer!

Nantz looks appalled. The crowd loves it.

Nantz: Say here! You can’t do that to Billy Packer! He’s a legend! He’s a-OOFF!

Another group of college students, this time wearing Hofstra sweatshirts, run in.

Suave: IT”S THE HOFSTRA STUDENTS!

Nantz: The what? (sees the mob coming for him) Oh sh—WHHAAAA…

Nantz gets steamrolled by the students.

Suave: I bet Nantz doesn’t get THAT type of treatment when he does the Masters.

Nantz: HELP!

Suave: WE’VE GOT AN IMPROMPTU MATCH! RING THE FREAKIN’ BELL!

——————————————–

MATCH #1- MISSOURI STATE AND HOFSTRA STUDENTS VS. CBS COLLEGE BASKETBALL PERSONALITIES JIM NANTZ AND BILLY PACKER
Much to Nantz’s and Packer’s chagrin, the bell rings. The students proceed to deliver a BCEW style beat down on the CBS personalities. “THEY’RE JUST WAILING ON THEM!” Suave observes. Then a can of spray paint appears in the ring. “What’s that?” Suave says, “That’s a can of spray paint! They’re not…they’re not…” The students spray paint three letters on Packer’s back. “WHAT ARE THEY SPRAY PAINTING?” Suave asks, “M…V…C? MVC! THE MISSOURI STATE STUDENTS SPRAY PAINTED ‘MVC’ ON BILLY PACKER’S BACK! THE MISSOURI VALLEY CONFERENCE!”

The students turn to Jim Nantz. Nantz begs them not to do it. Fat chance. He’s rolled over and three more letters are spray painted on his back. “C…A…A,” Suave says, “HOLY CRAP! THEY SPRAY PAINTED CAA FOR THE COLONIAL ATHLETIC ASSOCIATON ON JIM NANTZ! More chants of ‘BCEW! BCEW!’ come from the crowd. Three figures race down to the ring. “Here comes help!” Suave says, “it’s ESPN analyst Jay Bilas, ESPN analyst Digger Phelps, and Maryland head basketball coach Gary Williams to the rescue.” No. Not really. Enraged at the snide remarks Williams made about the Missouri Valley Conference, the Missouri State students immediately turn their ire to him. “Oh that’s not pretty,” Suave says as the students swarm all over Williams like killer bees on the attack. Williams joins Nantz and Packer on the deck and the spray paint can reappears again. “Oh no,” Suave says, “oh no. They’re not going to do it to Williams too?” Sure they are. “HOLY CRAP! THEY SPRAY PAINTED WICHITA STATE ON GARY WILLIAMS!” Bilas and Phelps fare no better. The Hofstra students spray paint ‘George Mason’ on Phelps back and ‘Bradley’ on Jay Bilas’.

RESULT: No Contest.

——————————————

Suave: Wow! What an incredible start to tonight’s event. It’s BCEW- Loose Cannons Unleashed II!!! Tonight, once and for all, we will find out who is the new number one contender for the BCEW World Title. Will it be Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance? Will it be A-Bomb, A. Tom Bomb from the American Patriots? That’s our main event. Also tonight a huge grudge match between the Domestic Diva Martha Stewart and her former friend now turned arch-enemy ‘Billionaire’ Don Trump. The BCEW Tag Team title on the line tonight. The Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don- The Flyin’ Martini Brothers take on the Green World Order.

——————————————

JUSTIN INSUFFERABLE PROMO
Inside the dressing room for the Progressive Alliance, Justin Sufferable, flanked by a grinning Pith Lord Harry Reid and the Attack Poodlette Nancy Pelosi, cuts a promo.

Justin: Here we are. BCEW. Loose Cannons Unleashed II. The night that I, Justin Sufferable, will take one step closer to becoming the BCEW World Champion. With the support of the Progressive Alliance by my side, A. Tom Bomb doesn’t stand a chance. I’m just not unbearable. I’m just not intolerable. I’m not even abominable. I’m JUSTIN SUFFERABLE and tonight I’m-

A door opens and closes very loudly in the background.

Justin: What the-

Russ Feingold enters the scene.

Feingold: I…(huffing and puffing out of breath …I have a great idea!

Reid: That’s great Russ but we’re cutting a promo here-

Feingold: I’m fed up with George W’s getting away with lying about the whole Rafael Barry Giambee steroids mess. I propose we all march out to the ring right now and demand that George W be censured by BCEW. Who’s with me?
Reid: Well…(hems and haws)

Pelosi: In general I’m with you, Russ but perhaps we should focus our energy on making sure that Justin Sufferable wins his match tonight.

Feingold: (all happy and exuberant) No no. Let’s go right now!

Feingold bounces out of the room.

Reid: Well…I suppose we should go out there with him.

————————————–

Johnny Suave: Well. Here he comes. The Wisconsin Wonder Russ Feingold is coming to the ring with the rest of the Progressive Alliance.

The crowd immediately notices Justin Sufferable coming to the ring with the rest.

Crowd: (chanting) JUSTIN A-HOLE! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap) JUSTIN A-HOLE! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)

Feingold: If I can have your attention for a moment. The recent events involving the former BCEW World Champion Rafael Barry Giambee were a shameful stain on wrestling. The fact that George W. and his cronies covered up Giambee’s steroid use and broke the law. I think that George W. should be censured by BCEW. (turns to Progressive Alliance comrades) Right guys?The American Screamer Howard Dean looks the other way and whistles. The Pith Lord Harry Reid looks up in the air. Nancy Pelosi feigns talking to Justin Sufferable.

Feingold: (a little more stronger tone) Right guys?

Bill Frist-Medicine Guy’s voice: This is totally crazy.

Bill Frist- Medicine Guy appears.

Frist: This is nothing more than a crazy political move! .

Feingold: And you guys are playing the intimidation game.

Frist: Russ, everyone knows you have your sights on becoming the next BCEW CEO in 2008. You’re grandstanding.

Feingold: I am not.

Frist: You have no proof that George W. was aware that Giambee used steroids.

Feingold: He didn’t know Giambee was on steroids? Hell, everybody here KNEW he was on steroids. Anybody with the IQ of a brick knew he was on steroids, right?

Frist: (scoffing) Right.

Feingold: Let’s ask the crowd then. (faces the audience) Hey! Rafael Barry Giambee-

Crowd: (very loudly) ROIDS! ROIDS! ROIDS!

Feingold: See? What’d I tell you. This is why I believe George W. should be-

A. Tom Bomb comes out and shoves Frist out of the way.

Suave: Now A. Tom Bomb is out here. This could get incendiary real quick.

Crowd: AAYYY-BOMB! AAYYY-BOMB!

A-Bomb: Enough talk. I don’t like to talk, Justin Sufferable. But I do know that I’d like to put you through a table.

The crowd cheers as Sufferable and A-Bomb stare each other down.

A-Bomb: So let’s get it on and I’ll kick your ass

Suave: They’re supposed to wrestle later but they may go at it right now!
Sufferable and A-Bomb continue their stare down. A commotion breaks out away from the ring.

Suave: Now what?

At one of the tables, a female pizza delivery girl is nose to nose with a customer wearing a fraternity jacket with the letters A.S.S. on it.

Suave: There’s some sort of problem over there involving a pizza delivery…HOLY CRAP! He just pushed her to the ground and took the pizzas away from her!

The girl pulls herself up and kicks the man in the crotch.

Suave: Yow!

A referee mysteriously appears and calls for the bell. The bewildered contingent from the Progressive Alliance empty out of the ring while a bemused A. Tom Bomb also takes a few steps back to the dressing room.

Suave: WHAT! We’ve got another impromptu match?

—————————————

MATCH #2- BCEW EXTREME PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL TESSA MARTIN VS. SKIP FROM THE ALPHA SIGMA SIGMA FRATERNITY
The match begins out on the main floor of Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon. “Apparently, these two have had quite a long history with each other,” Suave observes. Skip manages to pull himself up to a staggering position long enough to allow Tessa to plaster him in the face with a pizza pie. Skip falls back down. Tessa then grabs Skip’s face and rubs it in the pizza. Skip manages to push Tessa down. He grabs a chair and raises it up in a threatening way. “OH NO!” Suave says, “He’s not…” *high-pitched male scream* “HOLY CRAP! TESTICULAR CLAW! TESTICULAR CLAW!” Skip turns pale as Tessa applies the testicular claw (won’t go in graphic detail here-you can figure it out) and his eyes look like they’re about to pop out. “Man, I think he’s going to pass out,” Suave says as Skip’s eyes roll back. He proceeds to faint face first into a steaming hot meat combo special pizza.

WINNER- PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL TESSA MARTIN

————————————-

Suave: All right, they’re carrying Skip from Alpha Sigma Sigma out on a stretcher. I don’t think he’ll be reproducing anytime soon.

The crowd starts to boo.

Suave: Who’s that coming out? AWWWW…not the Hollywood Megastar Tom freakin’ Cruise! What the hell does he want?

Cruise climbs into the ring and he has a microphone.

The crowd starts to chant: “FREE KA-TIE! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap) FREE KA-TIE! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)

Tom Cruise: Thank you…thank you for your concern about my fiancée. She can’t be here tonight because she’s about to give birth-

Crowd: (even louder) FREE KA-TIE! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap) FREE KA-TIE! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)

Tom Cruise: SHUT UP! I just came out here to make clear that I absolutely nothing, I repeat, NOTHING to do with the Simontology episode of that vile, little hateful show South Park being taken off Comedy Central Net last week.

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Tom Cruise: Comedy Central Net made that decision on their own. So I don’t want to hear any more about Simontology-

The crowd starts to buzz.

Suave: IT’S THE GUYS FROM SOUTH PARK! STONE AND PARKER! THEY’RE HERE!

A shocked Tom Cruise watches with his mouth wide open. Stone and Parker jump into the ring.

Suave: STONE AND PARKER HAVE A HUGE ISSUE WITH TOM CRUISE AND SIMONTOLOGY!

Tom Cruise: Brad. BRAD! GET YOUR @#$@#$# ASS UP HERE RIGHT NOW!

Suave: Brad? Brad Grey. The CEO of Paramount Pictures who also own Comedy Central Net?

A sheepish Brad Grey climbs into the ring.

Tom Cruise: Brad. Listen dammit, you need to do something about these two clowns…

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOO!

Tom Cruise: …I want them taken care of. You tell them both to get their asses of the ring and leave. I WANT THEM BACK IN THE DRESSING ROOM NOW!…..or else.

Brad: Or else what?Tom Cruise: I think you know the answer to that already Brad.

Suave: HOLY CRAP! It’s a Tom Cruise power play!

Brad: Tom?

Tom Cruise: DON’T YOU TOM ME! GET THEM THE @#$# OUT OF HERE NOW!

Brad Grey slowly turns to Stone and Parker.

Brad: Guys. I……I want you-

Tom Cruise: Wait a second…

Brad pauses.

Brad: What, Tom?

Tom Cruise: Brad, I didn’t say…Simon says.

Suave: Oh, this is ridiculous!

Tom Cruise: All right. Brad, Simon says get them out of my sight right now.

Brad: (sighs, turns to Stone and Parker) Guys. I want you to leave Tom Cruise alone.

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOO!

Stone and Parker can’t believe it.

Brad: You…you heard me. Go. Now!

Stone and Parker look at each other, shrug, and act as if they’re leaving the ring.

Suave: You’re kidding! They’re backing down? South Park is backing down?

Tom Cruise smirks and shoos Stone and Parker away.

A woman slowly walks up behind Cruise outside the ring.

Suave: WAIT A MINUTE! THAT’S BROOKE SHIELDS!

Shields quietly climbs up on the edge of the ring.

Suave: SHE’S SNEAKING UP BEHIND THE HOLLYWOOD MEGASTAR! HE DOESN’T SEE HER. HOLY CRAP!

The South Park guys Stone and Parker see Shields and stop.

Tom Cruise: What are you guys, deaf? Simon says get out of the ring.

The crowd rises in anticipation as Shields takes off one of her pumps. Cruise is still unaware that she’s behind him.

Tom Cruise: …SIMON SAYS GET YOUR @#$#@$# ASS OUT OF THE RING…NOW!

The crowd noise crescendos. Cruise looks a bit wary.

Tom Cruise: (not sure what is going on) What?

*WHAP*
Suave: HOLY CRAP! She just clocked him with her pump!

Cruise topples forward face first.

Crowd: (mockingly) SI-MON SAYS! (Clap, clap, clap-clap-clap) SI-MON SAYS! (Clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)

Suave: Here comes Stone and Parker!

Stone and Parker push Grey out of the way and lift Cruise up.

Suave: Oh no…no…they’re not going to-

Stone and Parker heave Cruise out of the ring.

Suave: HOLY CRAP!

Cruise lands on and is impaled by a piece of wood. It then catches fire incinerating Cruise and then he is torn limb from limb by a bunch of wild animals.

Suave: Oooo-kay. Didn’t expect that ending. Didn’t necessarily need to see that either. Well, as is tradition here in BCEW, all of the wrestlers come out to the ring to listen to the CEO of BCEW deliver the ‘State of BCEW’ address. This year is no exception as the locker room has surrounded the ring and…(hears music being played badly) yep I know he’s coming out now because I hear that God-awful off key mariachi band playing ‘Hail to the Chief.’

Indeed, the off key mariachi band leads a wincing George W along with his family; wife Lauren, daughters Jennie and Babs, to the ring along with W’s aide de camp Dick and The Mastermind Karl Rove. The crowd boos.

Suave: Well, can’t say the booing is unexpected. W’s poll numbers have plummeted since the whole Rafael Barry Giambee steroids fiasco.

The American Patriots give W and company a standing ovation as his procession reaches the ring. Once he climbs through the ropes, W takes the microphone.

———————–

George W’s State of BCEW Address
W first says that he appreciates the fact that there’s some people who are very unhappy over the whole former BCEW World Champion Rafael Barry Giambee steroids fiasco. “If given a do over, I’d of handled that in a more proactively active way.”- BCEW CEO George W. W explains he can’t change the past but he can learn from the ‘mistakenly unwise thingys’ done in the past. He announces that he has hired a new chief of staff- Josh, which comes as a bit of a surprise to both Dick and The Mastermind. The First order of change is that W will become more active in the match to match aspects of BCEW. W also observes that in some wrestling federations, the owner’s family also becomes involved in the action as well. W announces that his daughters Jennie and Babs will become active participants participating actively in BCEW. This is also a big surprise to Dick and The Mastermind. The leadership of the American Patriots Dr. Bill Frist- Medicine Guy and Denny “The Big Guy” Hastert also seemed confused at this new direction that W is embarking on.

W announces that the #1 contender match between Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance and A. Tom Bomb of the American Patriots will be a no DQ, falls count anywhere in the building, to determine once and for all the new #1 contender for the BCEW World Championship. With that, W exits.

———————-

Suave: Hmmm, the speech a bit lackluster. And now even the American Patriots are grumbling about the direction George W is taking. This could get interesting.

The crowd stands up as “The Domestic Diva” Martha Stewart enters the ring.

Suave: We’re ready for our next match and it’s going to be a doozy…

Match #3- “The Domestic Diva” Martha Stewart vs. “Billionaire Don” Trump
“This is a big time grudge match.” – Johnny Suave. The war of words between the two would cumulate tonight at Loose Cannons Unleashed II. Trump was led to the ring by his two lackeys George and Carolyn who immediately get into Stewart’s face. With the Domestic Diva occupied by his lackeys, Trump snuck in the ring and took a cheap shot on her. Then the bell rang. Billionaire Don immediately went to work on Stewart mixing in punches and kicks and such. Stewart was pushed back into a turnbuckle and George reached over mugged her with a choke in the corner. Trump got on the microphone and yelled instructions for George to let her go. Stewart tried to fight back but ran right into a flying elbow. Pissed off, Stewart slapped Trump across the face and then kicked the Billionaire in the crotch. Trump danced around for a bit and the Domestic Diva hit a leaping back elbow on Trump. She covered for a two count. Both traded chops with Trump eventually getting the upper hand. Billionaire Don drilled Stewart with a facebuster and tossed her to the outside. George and Carolyn toss Stewart face First into the ringpost. Then they toss her back into the ring. Trump sets her up for his finishing maneuver- “You’re Fired.” Just as he is about to slam Stewart down, she desperately reaches for and pulls off Trump’s hairpiece. “HOLY CRAP!”- Johnny Suave. Trump, horrified, pats at his shiny bald head- no hairpiece. Stewart starts twirling the toupee- which looks like an emaciated muskrat, around like an exotic dancer and gets attacked from behind by both George and Carolyn. The hairpiece flies out of Stewart’s hand. George and Carolyn do a number on the Domestic Diva as Trump feverishly crawls over and tries to put the hairpiece back in place. He partly succeeds and partly looks like the lead singer of A Flock of Seagulls. Trump then covers a spent Stewart and gets the 1-2-3.

Winner: “Billionaire Don” Trump

——————–

Johnny Suave: Blatant interference by Trump’s lackeys George and Carolyn insures Billionaire Don’s victory. I have a sneaky feeling we haven’t heard the last of this one…

A young French man is standing right in front of Johnny smoking a cigarette and not doing much of anything.

Suave: …er excuse me.

Young French: Qui?

Suave: Do you mind? I’m trying to work here.

Young French: Yes. So am I.

Suave: Oh really? Who are you?

Young French: I’m Henri. One of ze new employees.

Suave: I see. Perhaps instead of standing here blocking my sight lines to the ring, you should, oh I don’t know, go do your job?

Young French: WHAT!

Suave: Go do whatever you’re supposed to do. Do something.

Young French: Mondieur! What do you mean because I have a job I have to work?

Suave: Excuse me? Of course you actually have to work. I’m working. I’m doing my job which is call the matches. You need to go to do your job and not stand in my way.Young French: (angrily) This is not acceptable. I’m going on strike.

Young French guy stomps off and tips over a garbage can.

Suave: O-kay. That was different. The young French guy, apparently a new employee to BCEW, got mad because I told him to go do his job. Amazing. Let’s go backstage as the BCEW World Tag Team champions, the Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don- the Flyin’ Martini Brothers are engaging in their pre-match warm up with……WHAT? HOLY CRAP!

Dan and Don are having their pre-match swig of Jack Daniels with W’s daughter’s Jennie and Babs. After finishing it off, Dan takes the empty bottle and breaks it over his head. He’s ready to go. After Jennie finishes off her Jack Daniels, she takes the empty bottle and breaks it over her head. She accidently knocks herself out.

Suave: O-kay. The tag team belts are on the line tonight!

————————–

Match #4- BCEW Tag Team Champions The Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don- The Flyin’ Martini Brothers vs. The Green World Order (Peacenik #1 and #2)
Before the match begins, Peacenik #1 takes the mic and complains that the Green World Order never gets any respect. He goes on to say that BCEW glorifies violence in resolving people’s differences. “Excuse me? This is professional wrestling thank you very much.”- Johnny Suave. Peacenik #2 gets on the mic and intimates that if BCEW doesn’t take steps to protect their ‘rights’ that the GWO will be forced to take matters into their own hands.

At this point, the tag team champs stagger out to the ring and the match begins. Immediately after the bell rings, two men dressed in suits sit down with Johnny Suave at the broadcast table. “Who the hell are you?”- Johnny Suave. The duo explains they are Felcher and Felcher- attorneys at law, legal counsel for the Green World Order and members of the Progressive Alliance. They explain that they are here to insure that the GWO gets a fair shake. R. Felcher argues that a fundamental tenet of fairness is being violated. Suave asks how? “What we have here is a clear case where people who are stronger and more skilled win matches at the expense of their clients.”- R. Felcher. “It’s a wrestling match. Someone wins. Someone loses.”- Johnny Suave. The Felchers don’t see it this way. “Clearly this is blatant discrimation against the Green World Order.”- B. Felcher. “It’s a freakin’ wrestling match!” – Johnny Suave.

Peacenik #1 jumped Don Martini and got a quick two count. They did a series of spots where Peacenik #1 kept trying moves but the Martini Brothers inadvertently staggered or fell down out of the way. Peacenik #1 finally became so infuriated that he blind rushes towards Don Martini. Don again staggers out of the way and Peacenik #1 rams hard into the turnbuckle. “See? This is simply not fair. How can the GWO win the match if the Martini Brothers won’t let them execute any move?”- R. Felcher, attorney at law. “Maybe because they’re too drunk to stand still?”- Johnny Suave. Peacenik #2 jumped on Dan Martini’s back with a sleeper. But Dan loses his balance and falls forward, launching Peacenik #2 into the other turnbuckle. “This is simply not fair!” – R. Felcher. “I’m afraid we’re going to have to get involved. Our client’s rights are being violated.” – B. Felcher. “This is totally ridiculous!” – Johnny Suave.

Felcher and Felcher attempt to interject themselves into the match. R. Felcher distracts Dan Martini while B. Felcher tries to jump Don Martini. Don again trips on his own two feet and B. Felcher misses and runs into Peacenik #1 and #2. “I guess THAT’S not fair either.” – Johnny Suave. B. Felcher gets mad and actually connects- he hits Don Martini in the stomach. Don holds his stomach and begins to wretch. “Oh, oh! This isn’t going to end well.”- Johnny Suave. All of a sudden, what appears to be the sound a car skidding and crashing is heard. This gets the attorneys attention. It’s followed by people screaming and then the wail of an ambulance siren. R. Felcher hesitates. He looks at his brother B. Felcher cornered by a wretching Don Martini. Then he hears more ambulance sirens. B. Felcher tells R. Felcher not to leave him. R. Felcher hesitates and then takes off after the ambulance leaving B. Felcher in the ring all alone. Don proceeds to projectile vomit all over B. Felcher. “YEESSS!” -Johnny Suave. Then Don passes out on top of Peacenik #1. 1-2-3. Match over.

WINNER AND STILL BCEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS- THE DRUNKEN LUCHADORS DAN AND DON- THE FLYIN’ MARTINI BROTHERS

Suave: Once again, it’s the Bleech Beer Gratuitous Vomit moment of the week.

Replay of Don Martini projectile vomiting on and coating a disgustingly oozing and dripping B. Felcher- attorney at law.

Suave: Wow! Chunky! It just doesn’t get any better than that.

——————————–

American Patriots office
Denny Hastert and Dr. Bill Frist-Medicine Guy ruminate in their office.

Denny Hastert: I don’t know about you Bill. But I’m not sure the direction George W is taking us is the right one.

Dr. Frist: I agree.

Hastert: If we don’t win the #1 contender match tonight, I think we may need to rethink our strategy. We’ve lost the World Championship-

Dr. Frist: No thanks to the ‘Straight Shooter’ John McCain.

Hastert: Exactly. Who wants to be the next CEO of BCEW- just like you do.

Dr. Frist: True. And Hillary Clinton. And any number of people.

Hastert: We’re losing focus. And we’ll lose the CEO if we’re not careful.

Door opens. Enter a new wrestler. Burly. Blond haired. All-American looking.

Starz N. Stripes: I’m the new guy. They call me Starz N. Stripes.

Both Dr. Frist and Hastert look very impressed.

Starz N. Stripes: I have my First match here in a couple moments. I just want to say I’m glad to be here.

Dr. Frist: The pleasure is all ours.

Hastert: Good luck.

Starz N. Stripes departs for his match.

Dr. Frist: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Hastert: I’m thinking that if A-Bomb can’t get the job done tonight against Justin Sufferable, we’ve found our new champion.

Dr. Frist: Exactly.

———————

Johnny Suave: Well he’s here. The new Rookie Sensation Starz N. Stripes against a jobber named Th’ Swamp Pirate.

Match #5- “The Rookie Sensation” Starz N. Stripes vs. Th’ Swamp Pirate
Th’ Swamp Pirate, dressed in the requisite pirate gear complete with parrot and jewelry, pulled out a few stops to knock off the Rookie Sensation. Th’ Swamp Pirate pulled off the jewelry and tried to choke out Starz N. Stripe. Starz finally took the offensive. He hit a fall away suplex off the ropes and then went to work on Th’ Pirate in the corner. Starz grounded Th’ Swamp Pirate with knee strikes followed by a fall away belly-to-back suplex. Starz hit his finisher, the “Rockets Red Glare” and made the cover for a win.

Johnny Suave: An impressive debut for The Rookie Sensation Starz N. Stripes. Coming up, the BCEW Women’s Championship belt on the line. And the #1 contender match between A. Tom Bomb of the American Patriots and Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance. A lot on the line coming up in just a few.

Johnny Suave: And we’re back for the final part of BCEW Loose Cannons Unleashed 2. (pauses as the crowd chants “BCEW…BCEW…” We’re celebrating the one year anniversary of BCEW. And speaking of celebrations, let’s peek in on a special celebration going on in the back area of Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon.

Cut to a hall where a wedding reception is going on.

Suave: That’s right. They’re celebrating the wedding of Will Beckworth and Charlene Ann Cantrell.

Close up of the happy couple Will and Charlene Ann who wave at the camera and then cut the cake. Charlene Ann then takes a piece of the cake and smashes it Will’s face.

The crowd stands up and gives Charlene Ann a standing ovation.

Suave: Congratulations guys. Charlene Ann, of course, is our usual ring announcer and.………what? Oh. Okay ladies and gentlemen. We’re going back to George W’s office where there’s some kind of meeting going on.

Meeting in George W’s Office
BCEW CEO George W, his aide de camp Dick, The Mastermind Karl Rove, and W’s new chief aide Josh meet. W laments his low poll numbers. Dick argues that all they need to do is stay the course and they’ll ride through it. Josh stands up and introduces a special guest he has brought in specifically to deal with this issue- “Seg” McMann. “Who the hell is Seg McMann?” barks Dick, “and what the @#$# does ‘Seg’ stand for?” “Sports Entertainment Guy,” McMann responds. “If you want to connect with your target audience, then you have to realize that ‘pro wrestling’ is really nothing more than ‘soap operas for guys.’ If you want your polls numbers to go up, then you need to reconnect with your audience.” “How?” W asks. Seg tells the group that the problem with BCEW is that there is too much ‘wrestling’ and not enough ‘sports entertainment.’ W shakes his head in agreement. Dick stews. And the Mastermind Karl Rove points at his temple to remind us all once again that even though he didn’t come up with this new exciting concept of ‘sports entertainment’ that he’s still a freakin’ genius. “So what do you suggest?” asks W. Seg starts to answer but is interrupted by a knock on the door.

It is BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin delivering food for the meeting. “Hi Tessa,” the group murmers. Dick starts to collect money to pay Tessa, Seg drools while he gawks at the Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl. “Here you go Tessa,” Dick says as he pays her and she quickly exits. “Who was that?” Seg asks. Dick explains that she’s the BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl. “She’s perfect!” Seg says, “Gentlemen, I’ll be back!”

BCEW Women’s champion Candiloosa Rice then walks by on the way to the ring for her title defense. Dick stands up. “Candy, are you sure you want to go out there tonight without a little back up?” Dick adds that he would feel better if she was accompanied to the ring. Rice waves them off and says she can handle herself.

Suave: Wow! Is Rice distancing herself from Dick and The Mastermind? And just what are they worried about?

A woman appears pushing a large dolly with someone strapped tightly to it.

Suave: Oh…never mind. Here’s the reason why. FBI Special Agent Charlize Starling is bringing the wrestler known as ‘Annabel the Cannibal’ to the ring. That’s right. Dr. Annabel Lecktor. Back in BCEW for the first time since being sent to the Kitty Dukakis wing of the ultra-maximum security Hopkins Institute for Thoroughly Insane.

Lecktor is not only strapped to the dolly but also restrained with a straight jacket and she wears a modified hockey style type mask over her face.

Suave: As Dr. Lecktor is wheeled to the ring, you may note the hockey mask on her face. The BCEW competition committee decReid that because of Dr. Lecktor’s propensity for biting off large chunks of her opponent’s flesh during a match, from now on she must wear that mask during all matches or be immediately disqualified.

The BCEW Women’s Champion is next to arrive.

Match #6 BCEW Women’s Champion Candiloosa Rice vs. Dr. Annabel “Annabel the Cannibal’ Lecktor with FBI Special Agent Charlize Starling
Dr. Lecktor immediately jumps the champion to start the match. Rice tries to pull Lecktor over her own back, but the Doctor blocks her by pulling on her hair. Lecktor counters with a drop toehold and then puts on a wristlock. After the champion escapes, Lecktor climbs up to the second rope and tries to clothesline Rice. She misses and the Women’s Champion kicks her in the gut! Enraged, Dr. Lecktor throws her over the top rope, then calls in FBI Special Agent Starling for assistance. Starling whips the champion into the ring post and then delivers a bronco buster! Suave sighs and comments, “I can never get enough of that move. That was a beautiful sight.” However, Rice tosses Starling into the steps. Lecktor sneaks up behind her with a steel-folding chair and blasts her. Then she appears to try and bite her arm. “Good thing she’s wearing that mask,” Suave observes, “who knows what would-….HOLY CRAP! Lecktor’s trying to take off the mask!” The referee tries to stop her but Lecktor swats him away. “If she gets that mask off,” Suave says, “well, I don’t want to even think about it.” Starling tries to stop Lecktor who’s partially undone the mask. Immediately the referee calls for the bell and Dr. Lecktor is DQ’d. “That’s it!” Suave says, “Candiloosa Rice retains the Women’s championship but she’s totally out right now……. AND LECKTOR HAS THE HOCKEY MASK COMPLETELY OFF!”

Dick races to the ring with The Mastermind. FBI Special Agent Starling tries to stun Lecktor with a cattle prod. No go. Lecktor shakes it off and approaches Rice. Then the crowd suddenly cheers as out of nowhere comes a star spangled BCEW superstar. “HOLY CRAP! It’s the Rookie Sensation Starz N Stripes!” shouts Suave. Starz N Stripes raises his hand to attack Lecktor but then inexplicatively stops. Dick is besides himself. “WHAT THE @#$# ARE YOU WAITING FOR?” he shouts out. “Are you sure it’s okay to hit a woman?” the Rookie Sensation asks, “I’m not sure I’m comfortable with-” “JUST HIT HER ALREADY!” Dick interrupts. Starz N Stripes then charges into the Doctor and drives her into the ring post knocking her out.

Winner and still champion by DQ: Candiloosa Rice

Suave: Wow! That was a close call. Nice save by the Rookie Sensation Starz N Stripes. Coming up tonight- the match we’ve all been waiting for. The winner becomes the new #1 contender for the BCEW World Championship crown. Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance vs. A. Tom Bomb from the American Patriots.

In the back hall, ‘Seg’ McMann talks with BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin. From a neutral third party standpoint, Seg appears to be a lecherous type of guy. Apparently with little shame, McMann excitedly tells her how he can make her a big star in BCEW and goes on a spiel to convince her to sign on. Tessa seems slightly interested but appears to be anxious to get back to delivering pizzas.

Suave: God, is this creepy or what?

“Think about it,” Seg says as she runs out the door to take care of more deliveries. More drool forms on the corner of this mouth as squealing tires signal the BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl driving away.

Suave: Is it just me or does ‘Seg’ has a major crush on Tessa Martin?

Holy music blares over the loudspeakers.

Suave: And that can mean only one thing, it’s of course, the Pious Pair. The God Squad. Rev. Robertson. Rev. Falwell. God knows why they’ve come out here tonight but I’m sure we’ll all find out soon enough….God help us all.

Rev. Robertson: I heard that.

The God Squad enters the ring and Rev. Robertson takes the microphone.

God Squad Segment
Rev. Robertson speaks about a ‘coming storm’ in BCEW. “I was on a personal prayer retreat with God,” Rev Robertson says, “and if I heard him correctly, the proverbial crap is going to hit the fan.” Rev Falwell then chimes in and complains about the introduction of ‘sports entertainment’ into BCEW. Falwell says that it’s bad enough with the bad language and the skimpy wardrobe and the extreme violence. “Now adding ‘sports entertainment’ into the mix?” Falwell says, “what’s next? Bathroom humor. Picking boogers out of your nose? Bodily fluids? How low are we going to go?” Rev Robertson warns W that there will be dire consequences if ‘sports entertainment’ is adopted in BCEW. “There’s a storm coming,” Rev. Robertson reiterates, “it may be a shower or it may be a tidal wave. If George W doesn’t-” As if on cue, a sprinkler line above Rev. Robertson starts to leak and sprays water down on him. “AAAHHHHHHHH” Rev. Robertson cries out as the water interacts with the electrically charged microphone and…well…you know what happens next.

Suave: Apparently God gave Rev. Robertson the ability to leg press 4000 lbs but not to withstand the combination of water and live electricity. The God Squad, ladies and gentlemen, and you can put them squarely on the side of those who don’t like ‘sports entertainment.’ And as much as I hate to admit it, I have to say that I agree with much of what Rev. Robertson had to say on the subject. All right, let’s get back to the-

Voice: Just hold it!

Suave looks surprised.

Suave: Who are you and what do you want?

News Hounds: You can call me News Hounds. I run a blog dedicated to countering right wing bias in our media.

Suave: Okay. What the hell are you doing out here?

News Hounds: I was watching the segment with the God Squad and you helped push their extreme right-wing agenda by agreeing with what they said. We simply can’t stand for that!

Suave: On the issue of ‘sports entertainment,’ I find myself in agreement. There’s nothing wrong with that.

News Hounds: But Rev. Robertson and the religious right are trying to force their beliefs on all of us.

Suave: You may be right. But that has nothing to do with my opinion of ‘sports entertainment.’ Let’s move on-

News Hounds: BIASED! YOU’RE BIASED!

Suave: Go blow it out your ear. Let’s go to the ring.

Inside the ring stand all three members of the Dixie Chucks. The Dixie Chucks are three men who are huge fans of the music group- The Dixie Chicks. The Dixie Chicks find themselves back in the news as they are about to release a new CD called “Taking The Long Way Home.” Their first single “Not Ready to Make Nice” addressed the issues the Chicks have faced since Natalie Maines’ controversial comments about President Bush three years ago. Each Dixie Chuck pays homage to the group by each dressing up as one member of the Dixie Chicks. There’s Chuck-atalie. Chuck-mily. Chuck-artie.

Dixie Chucks Segment
Chuck-atalie tells the booing crowd to shut the hell up. He rails at their ‘ignorance’ and tries to equate everyone booing them ie…the ‘haters’… with the nutcases who have actually sent death threats to Natalie Maines, the lead singer. “Like I’ve said before,” Chuck-atalie says, “you don’t have to like what any member of the Dixie Chicks say. They still have the God-given right to speak their mind!” More boos follow. Chuck-artie grabs the mic. “It’s a @#$#ing injustice what has happened to the Dixie Chicks!” he screeches. “Go buy their new CD! It totally rocks!” Chuck-mily chimes in: “that’s right. If you don’t like the new CD, you can all just kiss our asses!”

The Dixie Chucks leave to mass boos and catcalls.

Suave: You know, I hate to admit this too but I kind of agree with them about the way the Dixie Chicks have been treated. I mean, death threats? Come on. This IS America yes-

Voice: Hold on a second there!

Suave: Now what?

News Busters: I am News Busters. I run this blog where I take on left-wing media bias on a daily basis.

Suave: And your point is? No, wait. Let me guess. Because I agreed with what the Dixie Chucks said that constitutes some kind of liberal bias on my part…right?News Busters: Well…yes! The left wing has long since used their sympathizers in the media to further their extreme liberal agenda.

Suave: But we’re not talking about the extreme left-wing agenda. We’re talking about someone receiving death threats for speaking their mind! I think that’s wrong!

News Busters: So you agree with the Dixie Chicks. SEE! I KNEW you were biased!

Suave: All right. That’s it! Both of you get the @#$# off my set now. And let’s get to the main event. The match we’ve all been waiting for.

Justin Sufferable, led by the leader of the Progressive Alliance Howard “The American Screamer” Dean, The Pith Lord, Barth Salacious, Harry Reid, and the Attack Poodle Nancy Pelosi walks to the ring. Sufferable grabs the mic.

Justin Sufferable: SHUT UP! I’m not just intolerable. I’m not just unbearable. I am, my friends, Justin Insufferable!

Suave: Yes you are…

News Hounds: Hey! That’s a biased comment against the Progressive Alliance!

Suave: The hell it is.

The off key mariachi band reappears and heads to the ring.

Suave: Now what?

George W saunters cockily down the aisle wearing his trademark smirk only occasionally wincing at the bad notes the off key mariachi band hits. W takes the mic and points at Dean.

George W.: I don’t know what y’all are thinking, but I don’t give a rats ass about my so-called poll numbers. I’m still in charge here.

The crowd boos.

George W: In order to maintain order and fairness, you three need to get your asses back to the locker room. I’M BANNING YOU FROM THE RING!

Suave: What?

News Busters: YEAH! You go W! You go! That’s fair! That’s fair!

Suave: Oh yeah? I guess that means that no one from the American Patriots can be ringside either.

News Busters: Now you’re being biased again! You’re taking the side of the-

Suave: Oh shut up.

Dean, Reid, and Pelosi hesitate.

George W: You heard me. Now get! I’m reestablishing my authority here tonight and whether y’all like it or not, and quite frankly I don’t care, I want your asses back to the locker room now.

Reluctantly, the trio starts back to the locker. They pass A. Tom Bomb aka A-Bomb and he arrives with his valet, the lovely and well-endowed Daisy Cutter-Bomb, and his brothers H-Bomb and N-Bomb. There is an awkward moment and momentary staredown before Dean, Reid, and Pelosi continue on.

Suave: Well, the American Screamer Howard Dean, Pith Lord Harry Reid, and the Attack Poodle Nancy Pelosi have been banished from ringside.

The Bomb Brothers led by Daisy Cutter-Bomb approach the ring. W suddenly motions for Daisy, N-Bomb, and H-Bomb to leave the ringside area.

Suave: BCEW CEO George W has just ejected them too!

News Busters: WHAT?

Suave: I totally agree! If the Progressive Alliance can’t have anybody there then neither should the American Patriots!

News Busters: B-but…but…that’s not fair!

Suave: Bull@#$#. It’s the right thing to do!

News Hounds: I object to the term ‘right.’ It alludes that conservatism and the American Patriots are-

Suave: THAT’S IT! I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU TWO!

Suave gets up and grabs the hair of both News Hounds and News Busters. Then he conks them together. Both News Hounds and News Busters fall off their chairs and to the floor.

Suave: There. Much better. Let’s get to the match.

Match #7- #1 Contender Match- Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance vs. A. Tom Bomb of the American Patriots.
W gets on the mic again and tells both men that he wants them to put on a ‘helluva show’ for the BCEW fans and exhorts them to take the match ‘all over the building.’ The bell rings and the match finally begins.

Sufferable and A-Bomb began. A-Bomb immediately lifted up Justin and threw him to the floor. A-Bomb leaped over the ropes and connected on a cross-body block. He then hit Sufferable with a steel folding chair, then threw him into the ring steps. A-Bomb picked up a small trash can next to the ring announcer and whacked Sufferable with it. Then he sidekicked the trash can into Justin’s face. “So far, Justin Sufferable is taking a whole lot of punishment,” Suave says, “with no help from the Progressive Alliance, how long can he withstand A-Bomb’s onslaught?”

Sufferable desperately grabs the trash can and throws it at A-Bomb. Then he grabbed the microphone laying on the announcer’s table and swung it wildly at A-Bomb and rammed it on the side of his skull. Sufferable reaches under the ring and pulls out a ladder. He jams it into A-Bomb’s head. Justin went for a chair, climbed the ladder, and the crashed the chair on A-Bomb. He went to hit him again with the chair but A-Bomb somehow side-steps him and then he gets arm dragged into the ladder. The crowd cheered when A-Bomb then wore a ladder like a propeller and swung it around, smacking Sufferable several times. A-Bomb then climbed the ladder but Sufferable knocked it over sending A-Bomb through the announcers table. “HOLY CRAP!” Johnny Suave shouts. He barely got out of the way of A-Bomb before the table disintegrated. Sufferable lifted A-Bomb up and then walked him over to the edge of the stage. “Oh no…” Suave says, “He’s not going to do what I think he’s going to do!” A-Bomb hits Sufferable with a low blow. Then he lifts Sufferable up and power A-Bombs him off the stage through a front row table. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave shouts again, “He’s dead! He’s freaking dead!” The Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon crowd chanted, “This match rocks! This match rocks!” A-Bomb again lifts a woozy Sufferable back up and drags him down the aisle towards the back. “Where the hell is he going?” Suave asks. We find out soon enough. A-Bomb drags Sufferable through the main room of Hack’s to a back hallway. He stops at a door, opens it up, and then heaves Sufferable into a dark room. “What is he up to?” Suave inquires. Again, we find out quickly. The lights turn on and Justin Sufferable gets a very unpleasant surprise. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave yells, “it’s every member of the American Patriots! It’s a trap! It’s a freakin’ TRAP!”

H-Bomb, N-Bomb, Daisy Cutter-Bomb, Mr. Old School Don Rumsfeld, The Rookie Sensation Starz N Stripes, The Mastermind Karl Rove, George W’s aide de camp Dick, and the BCEW CEO himself, George W surround Justin. The Mastermind points to his temple to remind everyone that he’s a freakin’ genius. George W has his trademark Texas smirk. Dick says his trademark catch phrase: “F@#$ you Justin!” Then Dick directs the American Patriots the beat the holy hell out of him. Hy Drogen Bomb aka H-Bomb wraps his arm in barbed wire and then punches Sufferable. He immediately came up bleeding. H-Bomb rubbed the barbed wire into Justin’s forehead. Mr. Old School Don Rumsfeld pulled out a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire and handed it to Daisy Cutter-Bomb. Daisy legdropped the barbed wire baseball bat across Sufferable’s crotch. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave said yet again, “I don’t even want to try to describe that…” Off to the side, it appears the Rookie Sensation Starz N Stripes is having reservations about joining in the mugging. “I don’t know if this is right,” Starz says, “seven against one doesn’t seem very fair.” Dick growls and pushes Starz N Stripes into Sufferable. Rowe then pulls out an old sweaty sweat sock and sticks it in Justin’s mouth. “Oh, that’s gross!” Suave comments, “who knows where that sock’s been.” H-Bomb spears Sufferable. H-Bomb then grabbed Justin in the corner and bent him over while Newt-Tron Bomb aka N-Bomb stood with his butt in Sufferable’s face. “OH NO!” Suave says, “they’re going for the ‘Silent But Deadly!’” Suddenly the lights in the room go out. “WHAT THE-” is all Suave can say before the light comes quickly back on and the opening bars to the Fleetwood Mac classic “Don’t Stop (Thinking About Tomorrow)” start to play. A man in a flannel shirt wielding a Singapore cane and a mocha stands in the room.

“IT’S HIM!” cries out Suave, “IT’S THE TREE HUGGIN’, MOCHA CHUGGIN’, TOBACCO COMPANY BUGGIN’, INSANE EXTREME SINGAPORE CANE SWINGING ALPHA MALE! THE EXTREME ENVIROMENTAL HARDCORE ICON- AL GORE!” As the crowd in the main room sings “Don’t stop, thinking about tomorrow,” Gore holds up his mocha, inside an environmentally friendly biodegradable container of course, and chugs it down. Then he spews it out of his mouth into the shocked faces of both The Mastermind and Dick and then crushes the paper container on his forehead in a manly fashion. Al has a microphone. “You know, just like the Earth may cross the line of no return several years from now and suffer the devastating consequences of global warming, George W- you crossed the line tonight!” Gore immediately whacks Dick and the Mastermind over the head with the Singapore cane. Then he quickly takes out A-Bomb, H-Bomb, N-Bomb, Mr. Old School Don Rumsfeld, Starz N Stripes, and Daisy Cutter-Bomb- leaving just George W. The crowd outside rose to their feet as Gore appeared to measure the BCEW CEO for a Singapore cane shot. Then out of nowhere comes Bill First-Medicine Guy and he plows Gore over with a stiff forearm to the back of the head. In the meantime, lost all in the confusion was the fact that Sufferable somehow drug himself up and staggered out the door. W screams at First to get him. First rushes Sufferable who somehow ducks a clothesline. Justin whirls around with a spinning heel kick and knocks Dr. First off his feet. Sufferable picks up Gore’s Singapore cane and proceeds to whip Dr. First in the back with it. Inexplicatively, George W tries to snatch the cane away from Justin Sufferable. There is a short struggle before Sufferable pushes W away and goes back to whipping Dr. First. A. Tom Bomb still groggy from his cane shot, staggers to his feet and sees Sufferable. Enraged, A-Bomb screams out and charges at Justin, tackling and driving him through a closed door on the other side of the hallway. The door bursts open and nearly clips a few people who appear to be attending a wedding reception.

“HOLY CRAP!” Suave exclaims, “they just busted into the wedding reception for Will Beckworth and Charlene Ann Cantrell!” The guests, shocked and surprised by the intrusion, scatter as Sufferable is thrown head first into a table causing it to tip over and spill food, plates, wine glasses, you name it. Charlene Ann Cantrell aka the newly mined Mrs. Will Beckworth, looks at first horrified and then incredibly pissed off. A-Bomb continues his assault and slams Sufferable into another table knocking it and the contents over. Then A-Bomb grabs Justin by the hair, drags him over to the gift table, and slings him head first onto the table causing the gifts to spill onto the floor. A-Bomb smiles and pulls Sufferable back off the table. “Just end it already!” Suave says, “Sufferable doesn’t know what state he’s in……Hey! What’s George W doing?” W rips open one of the gifts- it’s a toaster oven. W gets his trademark smirk on and walks over to where A-Bomb is literally holding up Justin Sufferable. “No!” cries out Suave, “no, no, no!” W attempts to clobber Sufferable with the toaster oven- Sufferable somehow ducks out of the way and W’s piefaces A. Tom Bomb instead. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave says as a stunned W watches A-Bomb falls stiffly backwards to the floor, “W MISSED! HE HIT A-BOMB INSTEAD!” Getting his fourth wind, Sufferable pulls A-Bomb up and climbs on the gift table. He gets A-Bomb into the air and then powerbombs him through the gift table sending gifts, decorations flying all over. “HOLY, HOLY CRAP!” Suave shouts at the move, “THAT’S IT! SUFFERABLE COVER…1…2…3! JUSTIN SUFFERABLE IS NOW THE NUMBER ONE CONTENDER FOR THE BCEW WORLD TITLE!” The crowd in the main room go nuts. W just stands there with his mouth wide open. “W CAN’T BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED! HE JUST SCREWED A. TOM BOMB OUT OF THE NUMBER ONE CONTENDER’S SPOT!” Suddenly, a very unhappy young bride leaps on W’s back and starts to choke him. “THAT’S CHARLENE ANN CANTRELL! SHE’S CHOKING OUT THE CEO OF BCEW! SHE’S PISSED!” W spins around wildly as Charlene Ann’s grip on his throat tightens. “THIS HAS BEEN A GREAT NIGHT. JUSTIN SUFFERABLE WILL MEET THE BCEW WORLD CHAMPION “NO FRILLS” CHRIS ESCONDIDO FOR THE TITLE IN SEPTEMBER AT “BCEW LOOSE CANNONS- LOCK AND LOAD! SEE YOU THEN!”

*****
*****
Prairie Depot Press – Home of the novel Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction
*****
NOTE: TWO WEEKS FROM TONIGHT!  PCW RETURNS WITH SEASON #4.

PCW Rewind: Dick’s Gone Wild- Cheney, that is

Remember Dick Cheney’s hunting mishap? From March, 2006.
BCEW- “DICK’S GONE WILD” HOUSE EVENT AT BCEW HALL, EAGLE ROCK, OHIO

Johnny Suave and his companion, the ever present lifesize cardboard cut out of Shania Twain, stands in the ring at the BCEW Hall in Eagle Rock.

Crowd (chanting): BCEW…BCEW…BCEW!

Johnny: Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Buckland County Extreme Wrestling!…

A standing ovation follows from the BCEW Hall crowd.

Johnny: I am Johnny Suave. (points to the cardboard) This hot piece of cardboard is a lifesize cut out of the fabulously hot Shania Twain. Tonight we present to you “Dick’s Gone Wild.” And we have got a terrific show for you tonight. As all of you probably know by now, last weekend before a BCEW house event up in Chelsea, Michigan, there was an incident involving BCEW CEO George W’s aide de camp, Dick while he was hunting on some property outside of town owned by Buckland County resident Ol’ Man Hanson- the crusty, crotchety old man who lives on the corner. But if for some reason you haven’t seen what happened, we’ll show it to you now. (points to the back) Bring down that screen-

Male voice (calls out): No you’re not.

George W’s aide de camp Dick, for once not accompanied by The Mastermind Karl Rove, marches into the ring and confronts Suave.

Crowd (chanting): YOU SHOT KARL! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap) YOU SHOT KARL! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)

Dick (to crowd): SHUT UP! (to Johnny) Suave, you’re not showing that video tonight.

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOO

Dick: My office did not authorize you to show that video. Therefore because my office did not authorize you to show that video, you will not show that video.

Johnny shrugs his shoulders.

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOO

Johnny: Your office? Your office? This may be a “shot in the dark”…(Suave pauses for the requisite groaning)… but I thought, or at least I was under the impression, that George W was in charge.

Crowd: *Breaks out laughing

Dick: And another thing Suave. Who authorized you to bill tonight’s show as “Dick’s Gone Wild?”

Johnny: (pauses as the crowd makes “Dick’s office” references) Well Dick…(shows him his copy) that’s what it says right here.

Dick (angrily): My office did not authorize that name to be used-

Male voice: HOLD IT!

The crowd acknowledges The American Screamer Howard Dean as he walks to the ring.

Howard Dean: Dick, I listen to you talk about your office and such. I want to know, and I know that everyone else here wants to know, why you have trying to cover up the fact that you shot The Mastermind Karl Rove in the face!

Crowd: YOU SHOT KARL! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap), YOU SHOT KARL! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)

Dick scowls hard at the American Screamer.

Howard Dean: I think the audience here deserves to see just what happened last week. From Eagle Rock to Westville, Fulton, Chelsea, Michigan, Angola, Indiana, all the way to Washington DC. YEEEE-AHHHHHH!

The lights go down.

Dick: NO! YOU WEREN”T AUTHORIZED TO-

The film starts on the projector.

Dick: Oh @#$#!

All Dick can do is dip his head and cover his eyes as the tape begins…

***********************
Dick is crouched down low, pointing a rifle at his target, and totally quiet.

Dick (mimicking Elmer Fudd): Be vewy, vewy qwiet. I’m hunting Qwail.

Dick looks through a scope and prepares to fire.

Dick (whispering to self): Just about there…come on……………come on….

Dick’s finger begins to squeeze the trigger.

Karl Rove’s voice: DICK!

Dick reflexively jerks up and fires a round in the air.

Karl Rove’s voice: HEY DICK!

Dick swings around and fires off two more rounds into the air.

Dick: @#$$! KARL!

The Mastermind Karl Rove walks up along with The Straight Shooter John McCain.

A dead goose falls the ground.

Karl Rove: Dick! Tell John McCain that it’s quail season.

Dick looks incredulous.

Dick: WHAT?

Karl Rove: McCain says it’s open season on something else. Tell him it’s quail season.

Dick: I’m about to shoot a $%$@-ing rifle you $%#-ing idiot! (turns to McCain) What is this all about.

A burning hot air balloon crash lands in the meadow behind them. Two people leap out of the canopy just before it slams into some trees setting them on fire.

John McCain: All I said was that I was declaring open season on pork- by pork of course I am referring to the gross abuse of political earmarks that drive up our federal deficit.

Dick: Okay. Can’t this wait? I’m trying to shoot quail here.

Karl Rove: That’s what I’m saying! It’s quail season!

John McCain: And all I said is that I’m declaring open season on pork!

A dull rumbling sound appears and slowly gets louder.

Karl Rove: Quail season!

John McCain: Pork season!

Karl Rove: Quail season!

John McCain: Pork season!

The rumbling sound gets louder. It sounds like a jet engine.

Karl Rove: Quail season!

John McCain: Quail season!

Karl Rove: Pork season!

John McCain: Quail season!

Karl Rove: Pork season!

An airplane crashes into the forest. The shock from the ensuing explosion causes Dick to recoil and his gun accidently goes off. Dick looks alarmed.

Dick: KARL? HOLY #$#@!

Karl’s face is totally blackened and his glasses are backwards on his face. Karl looks over at John McCain.

Karl Rove (woozily to John McCain): You’re despicable!

Karl falls to the ground.

*************************

Crowd: YOU SHOT KARL! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap), YOU SHOT KARL! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)

Dick (holding hands to ears): SHUT UP!

Crowd: YOU SHOT KARL! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)

Dick: JUST SHUT UP ALREAD-

A load of buckshot whizzes by Dick’s head.

Dick: WHAT THE @#$#!

Johnny: HOLY CRAP! IT’S OL’ MAN HANSON AND HE IS PISSED! I guess he didn’t take very kindly to Dick ruining his property up in Michigan.

Ol’ Man Hanson aims at Dick and peppers the wall behind the ring.

Ol’ Man Hanson: You burnt down my forest you @#$@$@. Now I’m going to shoot you in the ass with this BB gun!

Dick immediately high tails it back to the locker room with Ol’ Man Hanson right behind him.

*************************

MATCH #1 Little Paulie and Big Paulie of the American Bikers vs. Vengeful Vegan Brock Cole Lee and Peacenik #2 of the Green World Order

The GWO actually had control of the match until Brock Cole Lee went for a springboard move and Big Paulie punched him in the jaw. Little Paulie and Big Paulie had fun tossing the GWO all over the ring but couldn’t get the pin or submission. Little Paulie hits a springboard drop kick and ends the match by hitting Peacenik #2 with the Biker Bar.
**************************

Inside Dick’s office- Dick looks pissed off.

Dick (apparently talking to someone off camera): Yes! I want you to go out there and explain what happened…………………
…………………………….What?………………………..I don’t give a @#$# that you can’t see through your bandages. Get the #$#@
out there and tell them this was all your fault.

**************************

Johnny Suave comments at ringside.

Johnny: Okay, I don’t get it. Dick shoots The Mastermind Karl Rove in the face and ROVE has to come out and apologize? What is up with that? (pauses as the crowd reacts to something) And here he comes….

The Mastermind Karl Rove, face covered in bandages and virtually blind, slowly staggers to the ring.

Johnny: Aw come on! He may be a friggin’ genius but he can’t see!

Rove continuously bumps into everything in sight as he tries to get to the ring. He eventually bumps up against the side of the ring and manages to climb in without hurting himself any more.
Rove takes the mic.

Johnny: Well? I guess let’s see what he has to say.

Karl Rove: Mumph…mpufull….mufl….muffl

Johnny: I’m sorry, I can’t understand what he’s saying.

The Mastermind has great difficulty being understood through the bandages.

Karl Rove: Mumph…mpufull….mufl….muffl

Johnny: Right. This is totally ridiculous! He can’t even talk…get him out of there and let’s get to the next match up.

**************************

MATCH #2 Thunderhips- The Ultimate Female vs Trailer Park Honey Tanya Hardy with the White Trash Posse

BCEW newcomer and extreme fitness guru Thunderhips and Hardy began the bout but the White Trash Posse quickly got in the mix, so Thunderhips makes them pay by hipchecking the White Trash Posse out of the ring with her fit hips of steel. Thunderhips and Hardy squared off but one of the Posse snuck in behind Thunderhips’ back and hit her with a baton. Then the rest of the White Trash Posse tried to beat down Thunderhips but she fought back and finally ejected them from the ring again. She then hit the Trailer Park Honey with a suplex, an acecrusher before unleashing the hips of steel on her. Thunderhips got in a workout tossing around the Trailer Park Honey and in the end she pinned her after hitting one last devastating hip check into the turnbuckle.
**************************
Johnny: An impressive debut for Extreme Fitness Guru Thunderhips the Ultimate Female here at BCEW. We will be hearing more from her. All right, let’s get to the next-

Empress Queen of the Media World Opal Winfree appears with a sheepish looking James “The Little Author” Frey and they walk to the ring.

Johnny: Okay…this wasn’t on the bill for tonight. The Empress Queen of the Media World not happy with the Little Author over a few discrepancies in his book.

Winfree orders Frey into the ring. Reluctantly, Frey complies.

Johnny: I’m not sure who Frey should be more afraid of. The Empress Queen Opal Winfree. Or her rabidly devoted flock who hang on every word she says. Let’s see what she’s got in mind here.

Opal (to The Little Author): James. Do you have something that you want to tell me?

James looks very uncomfortable.

James: *meekly nods yes

Opal (stern, motherly tone): Well?

James: Um…uh………the book.

Opal: What about the book?

James: Uh……well…..er……some of the things in the book……ah…

Opal: Some of the books WHAT!

James: Some of the things in the book……well……they might not have been…….(whispers) true.

Opal: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.

James looks even more uncomfortable.

James: I said……some of the things in the book……(a bit louder but still too quiet for Opal to hear) not true.

Opal (angrily): James I can’t hear you.

James: I said some of things in the book wasn’t true.

The crowd gasps. Opal looks very upset.

Opal: I see. Do you have something else you want to tell me?

James looks stricken now.

James: I’m……I’m sorry?

Opal: You’re sorry.

James again meekly nods yes.

Opal: Well James… even though you tarnished my reputation, damaged my credibility, and embarrassed me publicly……I guess I can forgive you.

The crowd applauds.

Opal: But I don’t think my flock will…

Johnny: WHAT?

At that moment, two prominent members of Opal Winfree’s Flock, Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy, attack James Frey and start to beat him down.

Johnny: HOLY CRAP! IT’S A TRAP!

Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy pummel The Little Author to the ground.

Johnny: It was a set up! It was a set up all along!

The bell rings.

Johnny: WHAT? We’ve got an impromptu match?

MATCH #3 The Empress Queen of the Media World Opal Winfree with Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy vs. The Little Author James Frey
Soccer Mom holds Frey and allows New Age Sensitive Guy slaps him over and over and over. Soccer Mom shouts out “WE MUST DO THIS FOR THE CHILDREN!” and kicks the Little Author in the crotch. “I abhor this stereotypical, testosterone filled violence,” New Age Sensitive Guy says before delivering a series of vicious chops to Frey’s chest. Winfree then walks over to Frey holding a copy of his book in her hand. “Oh no,” Suave says from ringside, “what’s she going to do?” Winfree sticks the book in Frey’s face and rubs his nose on it. Then she smashes it over his head. Then she brutally assaults The Little Author with the hardcover book over and over and over until he can barely sit up. Then she gets the mic again and tells Frey that his real crime was making her look bad and that “no one, I repeat no one, makes Opal Winfree look bad.” Winfree agains whacks Frey over the head with his book. Finally, the final indignation occurs when she rips each and every page out of the book. “HOLY CRAP! SHE’S TEARING HIS BOOK INTO A MILLION LITTLE PIECES!” Suave says. Once she’s done, she throws what’s left of the book on Frey and leaves the ring.
****************************
Back to Johnny Suave ringside…

Johnny: That’s just sick. All right, as you may know, the last BCEW major event “BCEW’s Backbreak Mountain” crowned a new BCEW Men’s Champion. With the help of the Straight Shooter John McCain, who essentially double-crossed both the American Patriots and the Progressive Alliance, “No Frills” Chris Escondido eliminated both the Progressive Alliance’s choice for BCEW Men’s champion Justin Sufferable and the American Patriot’s A. Tom Bomb to win the title. Tonight, we will find out WHO will be the new number one contender for the title. That’s right- an elimination match between Justin Sufferable and A. Tom Bomb.

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MATCH #4 A Buckland County street fight, A.Tom Bomb of the American Patriots with Daisy Cutter-Bomb vs. Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance with NFL All American QB Peyton Manning

Sufferable again was inexplicably accompanied to the ring by NFL All-American Quarterback Manning (who cost him the BCEW title at the Buckland County Backbreaking Bunkhouse Brawl when he accidently pulled down the top rope low enough that an off balance Justin Sufferable inadvertently fell out of the ring. The bell rings and A. Tom and Sufferable wasted no time brawling around the building as the crowd chanted “you screwed Justin” at the NFL All American Quarterbaack. A. Tom tossed Sufferable over the rail and into the fans. They fought into the bleachers where Sufferable tossed A. Tom back to the floor and then hit a frog splash. The match finally came back to the ring where Sufferable went to work on A. Tom’s left knee. Sufferable set up a chair but A. Tom reversed it and drove Justin’s head into it. Then the big guy put the chair around Sufferable’s head and rammed him into the ringpost. A. Tom went to suplex Sufferable from the top rope but suddenly there was commotion and then the Tree Huggin,’ Mocha Chuggin’, Tobacco Company Buggin’, Insane Extreme Chair Swinging Alpha Male and Environmental Extreme Hardcore Icon- Al Gore appeared

“This is going to get real interesting now,” Suave observes as Gore jumped into the ring and took A. Tom Bomb’s knee out. Gore then slid A. Tom’s injured knee into the chair so Sufferable could jump on it from off the top rope causing Daisy Cutter-Bomb to jump into the ring to intervene. NFL All-American QB Manning went to stop her. Bad idea. Daisy kicked Manning in the balls and then followed up with a karate kick to the chin. Manning was driven back into an unsuspecting Gore who in turn accidently crotched Justin Sufferable who was sitting on the top rope turnbuckle. Daisy then moved A. Tom out of the way so Sufferable hit his jaw on the chair when he flopped off the turnbuckle. Daisy Cutter locked in a half crab on Sufferable but out of nowhere the leader of the Progressive Alliance, The American Screamer Howard Dean shoots into the ring and blindsides Daisy from behind. Then the match totally breaks down. George W’s aide de camp Dick rushes out with a bandaged Mastermind Karl Rove carrying a steel-folding chair and orders Rove to get into the ring. After being pointed in the right direction, Rove again somehow climbs into the ring and clobbers Dean over the head with the steel-folding chair. “His eyesight must be getting better,” Suave observes, “cause he just about took Dean’s head off with that chair shot.” *CLANG* “OH!,” Suave exclaims, “He just took out Al Gore!” *CLANG* “Wait a minute? Rove just cracked Daisy Cutter-Bomb over the head with the chair!”

“WHAT THE @#$# ARE YOU DOING!” Dick yells at Rove as it is glaringly obvious that he still can’t see very well. Rove swings at A. Tom Bomb. “NOOOO!” Dick shouts. *CLANG* A. Tom Bomb down. *CLANG* Justin Sufferable down too. “I don’t think The Mastermind has a freakin’ clue who he’s hitting,” Suave says as he blindly and wildly flails away clocking NFL All American Quarterback Peyton Manning in the process. There is another commotion on the floor involving George W’s aide de camp Dick. “WHAT’S THIS?,” Suave says, “HOLY CRAP! OL’ MAN HANSON HAS DICK CORNERED!”

Ol’ Man Hanson points his BB rifle gun at Dick. He’s trapped with nowhere to run. “Karl!” Dick yells out, “KARL! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE NOW!” Rove instinctively moves towards Dick’s voice. The Mastermind nearly walks off the edge of the ring before catching himself and climbing down. “I warned you danggummet,” Ol’ Man Hanson hisses at Dick, “you damaged my property and now I’m going to shoot you in the ass.” Ol’ Man Hanson slowly aims at the cowering Dick. He’s about to fire the gun when….*CLANG* “ROVE TAKES OUT OL’ MAN HANSON WITH A STEEL FOLDING CHAIR!” Suave exclaims, “AND NOW HE’S WALKING TOWARDS DICK!” Dick looks relieved. At least until he realizes that Rove is walking right for him. “Ah…Karl,” Dick says nervously, “Karl. It’s me……..Dick………Karl? KARL!” *CLANG* “THE MASTERMIND JUST TOOK OUT GEORGE W’S AIDE DE CAMP DICK!” Suave says disbelievingly. The crowd chants: “HOLY @#$#…HOLY @#$#” The Mastermind points to his temple to signify for all the world to see that he is- a friggin’ genius.

“Yeah, you’re a freakin’ genius all right,” Suave says, “you took out everybody in sight, the referee just declared the match a no contest, and now we’re not going to find out who the new #1 contender for the BCEW Men’s title will be until the next BCEW major event- the one year anniversary celebration of BCEW. That’s right- “LOOSE CANNONS UNLEASHED 2!!”
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PCW Rewind: BCEW Backbreak Mountain

 

From January 2006 when PCW was BCEW (Buckland County Extreme Wrestling)…
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BCEW- BACKBREAK MOUNTAIN EVENT @ HACK’S RUSTY NAIL SALOON

The voice of BCEW, Johnny Suave, stands in the middle of the ring as the capacity crowd inside Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon chants “BCEW…BCEW.” “Big thing going on!” he says, “big, BIG things!” Suave explains that the Texas Hammer Tom DeLay has stepped down from the American Patriots leadership. “He’s a casualty of the whole Rafael Barry Giambi controversy,” Suave says. The crowd immediately interrupts him and starts a “ROIDS…ROIDS…ROIDS” chant. The Rafael Barry Giambi incident stems from the accidental death of the former BCEW champion that was covered up by George W’s aide de camp Dick and the Mastermind Karl Rove with assistance from DeLay.

“But there’s other news being made as we speak,” Suave adds, “Sam Alito’s appointment to the BCEW Competition Committee under attack by the Progressive Alliance.”

Sam Alito’s Confirmation Hearing
Alito sits uncomfortably in a chair and is unceremoniously grilled by the Progressive Alliance’s Chuck the Schmuck Schumer and the long lost member of the Kennedy clan who no one knew existed before- Fred Kennedy. “Mr. Alito,” Kennedy says, “besides the fact that George W and the American Patriots deliberately misled everyone about the health of former champion Rafael Barry Giambi-” Orrin Hatch of the American Patriot’s immediately objects and he and Arlin Spector get into it with Kennedy and Schumer. “They’re trying to smear you and they’re doing a crappy of job it!” Hatch roars. “He’s being inconsistent!” returns Kennedy. “Alito could swing the BCEW Competition Committee in the favor of the American Patriots!” whines Schumer, “and he and the American Patriots can’t be trusted!”

“YOU BASTARD!” Alito’s wife blurts out. Then she stands up and runs out in tears. “See what you did?” Hatch says. “Yeah, nice going,” Spector says, “@$#-hole!” “Oh yeah?,” Kennedy says, “unless we get the answers we’re looking for the Progressive Alliance reserves the right to take whatever measures necessary in terms of Mr. Alito’s nomination. “Oh really?” Hatch responds, “you do that and the American Patriots reserve the right to take whatever EXTRAORDINARY measures necessary to ensure that Mr. Alito is given a fair up and down vote.” “OH YEAH?” Schumer pipes in, “we’re willing to take EXTREME measures!” “HA!” Hatch scoffs, “you don’t know the meaning of extreme!” “OH YEAH?” Kennedy says, “we’re more extreme than you are. “OH YEAH?” Hatch responds, “well, WE put the EXTREME in Buckland County Extreme Wrestling!” “Oh please,” shoots back Kennedy, “you’re not remotely as extreme as we are!” “No, we’re more extreme!” Hatch replies. A bell rings.

Then Kennedy checks his watch. “Hey you know what?” he says, “it’s lunch time!” “Yeah. I’m hungry,” Spector agrees. “Me too,” chimes in Schumer. “Let’s break then,” Kennedy says, “anyone up for lunch. I’ll drive. I know this great little restaurant that’s right across a flimsy, wooden bridge over the river. Who wants to ride with me?” Awkward silence follows. Then everyone quickly begs off. “Suit yourself,” Kennedy says.

Back to Suave in the middle of the ring along with his constant companion- a life size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. “Yeah, yeah,” Suave says as some people give him the business about the cardboard cut-out, “I almost came out tonight with a Sara Evans cardboard cut-out from that video she did.” The crowd cheers. ‘You would have liked that wouldn’t you?” Suave adds.

Suave gets down to the business at hand. “Thanks to an agreement struck by ‘Straight Shootin’ John McCain with the CEO of BCEW George W,” Suave announces, “tonight in this ring we will determine who will be the new BCEW Men’s champion. A special ‘Buckland County Backbreaking Bunkhouse Brawl’ Twenty five contestants in all!” Suave points to a ladder decorated up to look like a mountain with the BCEW Men’s Championship belt suspended twenty feet in the air. “We will start with four wrestlers in the ring and add one man every minute. Then after we get down to the final four contestants, the first one who climbs ‘Backbreak Mountain’ and grabs the belt will become the NEW BCEW Men’s Champion!”

A Visit to George W’s office
In BCEW CEO George W’s office, W, his aide de camp Dick, and the Mastermind Karl Rove look royally pissed off. “Damn that John McCain,” grouses Dick, “you’re the CEO of BCEW. We make the decisions here. Not McCain.” W. reminds Dick that he didn’t have a whole lot of choice after the whole Rafael Barry Giambi fiasco. Again, a chant of “ROIDS…ROIDS…ROIDS” starts up. W continues: “YOU guys screwed this up. Not me. I just cleaned up the mess YOU made. The winner of the ‘Buckland County Backbreaking Bunkhouse Brawl’ becomes the BCEW Champion.” Dick grimaces and turns to Karl Rove. “I don’t care what you do,” Dick huffs at the Mastermind, “or how you do it. At the end of the night I want A. Tom Bomb’s arm raised up in victory and the BCEW Men’s Championship belt wrapped around his waist. Do you understand me?” The Mastermind nods in the affirmative and then points to his temple to, once again, show just what a freakin’ genius he is.

A Visit to Howard Dean’s office
Inside the office of the leader of the Progressive Alliance, American Screamer Howard Dean, Justin Sufferable sits across the desk from Dean and he doesn’t look very happy. “When I signed up with the Progressive Alliance,” Sufferable steams, “you promised me that you would pave the way for me to become the BCEW Men’s Champion. For nine months, you haven’t done @#$#.” Dean is taken aback. “I want that belt,” Sufferable continues, “and you and if that belt isn’t wrapped around my waist at the end of tonight I just might have to look at- other options.” Dean tries to reassure him. Sufferable isn’t listening. He yanks Dean up by the shirt collar. “Let me make this clear. I…want…that…belt,” Sufferable reiterates. After slinging the American Screamer back into his chair, Sufferable exits leaving Dean bewildered. He then calls in the Pith Lord Harry Reid and the Attack Poodlette Nancy Pelosi.

“All right, we’re back,” Johnny Suave says, “and it’s now time for the moment we’ve been waiting for!”

The lights dim low and the crowd quiets down. Charlene Ann Cantrell strolls to the ring. “Ladies and gentlemen,” she says, “it’s time for the first ever Buckland County Backbreaking Bunkhouse Brawl!” The crowd cheers and chants: “BCEW…BCEW.” The first four contestants come out as they are introduced by Charlene Ann. “It’ll be FUBAR,” Suave announces, “The Fashion Fascist Mr. Blockwell- a newcomer to BCEW, Michael Hunt of Guys With Unfortunate First Names Given Their Surnames, and Mr. No-Spin Factor Bill O’Reilly from Faux News.”

Buckland Bunkhouse Brawl All Out Free For All
Mr. Blockwell grabs the mic from Charlene Ann and in classic ‘Fashion Fascist’ style starts to rip into how gaudishly awful the people of Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon are dressed. Of course they boo him. Then Blockwell makes the mistake of critiquing the outfit Charlene Ann Cantrell is wearing calling her a “mini-skirt wearing, Burger Queen tailored by Tim the Tool Man Taylor.” “WHAT!” Charlene Ann exclaims. “This Lolita of the Midwest really needs to-OOOFFF!” “HOLY CRAP!” Suave says, “She kicked Mr. Blockwell in the balls!” The crowd starts up a ‘HOLY S#$#’ chant. “Charlene Ann grabs the Fashion Fascist by the shirt and throws him over the top rope out of the ring!” Suave says, “he’s out of the Free For All before it begins!” The Fashion Fascist Mr. Blockwell is eliminated.

The bell rings and the match begins! Quickly, FUBAR launches himself at Michael Hunt. Hunt dives to the floor and FUBAR flies over him and charges into Mr. No Spin Factor Bill O’Reilly. O’Reilly fires back and delivers a German suplex to FUBAR. FUBAR goes after O’Reilly, but he trips over a loose shoe string and staggers into O’Reilly who flings him over the top rope! FUBAR is eliminated.

“The match is not even a minute old and already we have two wrestlers out,” Suave observes, “we’re just about to find out who will be the next contestant.” O’Reilly goes after Michael Hunt. “They’re going at it!” Suave says, “O’Reilly with a left, a right, another right. Snap mare suplex.” O’Reilly sizes up Hunt and then throws him across the ring into the ropes. “O’Reilly’s going for a clothesline but…wait! Who grabbed him from behind?” A older, graying man with a gap tooth smile stops O’Reilly. “HOLY CRAP! It’s night time talk show host David Letterman! WHAT IS HE DOING?” Letterman grabs Bill O’Reilly’s head and then jumps off the ring edge to the floor below pulling O’Reilly over the top rope and out of the ring. “HOLY CRAP! DAVID LETTERMAN JUST TOOK OUT BILL O’REILLY!” shouts Suave, “HE’S OUT OF THE MATCH!” Bill O’Reilly is eliminated.

O’Reilly can’t believe what happened. Enraged, he and Letterman brawl with each other all the way back to the locker room. Suave resets the situation. “So Michael Hunt is the last man standing of the first four. Who will join him?” The answer comes in the form of music over the loudspeaker, a snippet of the Dixie Chicks song “Here’s Your Trouble.” Chuck-atalie, one third of the wrestling Dixie Chucks (who all dress up as each member of the country group the Dixie Chicks) races out and joins the fray. “DIXIE CHICKS ROCK!” shouts Chuck-atalie. Then Michael Hunt jumps the Dixie Chuck and tried to push him over the top rope to the outside. Hunt and Chuck-atalie go out at it with neither man gaining much of an advantage.

A clip of Toby Keith’s hit “Who’s Your Daddy” announces the next man in- Gary Locke of the Raving Rednecks Locke and Loade. “This ought to get interesting,” Suave observes as mortal enemies Locke and Chuck-atalie immediately go after each other. As Michael Hunt stays off to the distance, Locke tries to push Chuck-atalie to the outside, but the Dixie Chuck holds on. Locke again tries to lift Chuck-atalie over the top rope but he clings desperately to the bottom rope. Locke delivers big right hands and delivers a power slam to the mat. Then Locke climbs up to the top rope. “What is he doing?” Suave asks as Locke takes his sweet time preparing his next move, “he’s wasting valuable time!” Michael Hunt comes over and pulls on the top ring rope causing Locke to lose his balance and crotch himself on the top turnbuckle. “Ah yes, the classic wrestling cliché,” Suave says, “a wrestler who takes too much time climbing up to the top rope gets crotched.” Locke topples backwards out of the ring and to the apron below. Gary Locke is eliminated.

“We’re back down to two,” Suave observes, “Michael Hunt of Guys With Unfortunate First Names Given Their Surnames and Chuck-atalie of the Dixie Chucks.”

They were joined by the next contestant- Don Martini- one half of the BCEW tag team champions, the drunken luchadors “The Flying Martini Brothers. “Okay, this is the seventh wrestler out. Don Martini staggers to the ring and somehow manages to climb in.” Martini immediately climbs to the top rope. He wobbles back and forth and wastes time. “Okay,” Suave says, “we are quickly coming to another wrestling cliché. The wrestler who takes too much time on the top rope…” Martini leaps at Michael Hunt. Hunt takes two steps to the side and Martini splats face first on the canvas. “…misses their high risk move. Of course, adding alcohol to the equation makes it even more problematic.” Chuck-atalie stomps on Martini who somehow manages to pull himself up using the ring ropes. Chuck-atalie delivers a chop to the stomach of the Flying Martini brother and Martini holds his stomach and begins to wretch. “Oh, oh,” Suave says, “I’ve seen this one before and it ain’t pretty.” Martini heaves and then spews out a green stream of vomit. Chuck-atalie sidesteps the stuff but Michael Hunt unfortunately catches it full force. Hunt, coated in vomit, staggers backwards and flips over the top rope. Michael Hunt is eliminated.

“There we have it, it’s another Bleecth Beer gratuitous vomiting moment,” Suave announces as we see a slow motion replay of Martini spewing green vomit onto Michael Hunt, “Lovely isn’t it?”

Chuck-atalie carefully maneuvers around the ring, gently trying not to step in Martini’s vomit. Martini launches himself against the ropes and then slingshots towards Chuck-atalie. He slips in the ring and veers off course planting his face in the corner turnbuckle. Martini keels over unconscious. Before the Dixie Chuck can throw the Drunken Luchador over the top rope, the Toby Keith song “How Do You Like Me Now” blares. “It’s other half of the Raving Rednecks- Locke and Loade, Earl Loade.” Loade immediately headscissors Chuck-atalie over the top rope, but Chuck-atalie holds onto the ropes and doesn’t fall to the floor. Chuck-atalie gets back in the ring and battles Loade. Loade puts Chuck-atalie’s leg over the top rope, but the Dixie Chuck fights back. Loade locks a front facelock on Chuck-atalie. Chuck-atalie reverses and backdrops Loade on his head. Then he throws the Raving Redneck over the top rope, but he hangs on and rolled back in under the bottom rope.

Things heat up even more when the next man comes out- Chuck-artie of the tag team Dixie Chucks. “With Don Martini incapacitated, it’s two against one!” Suave observes. Chuck-artie immediately body slams Loade. Then Chuck-atalie throws a series of uppercuts and backs Loade into a corner. Chuck-artie hits a capture belly-to-belly suplex followed by a few boots to the mid-section by Chuck-atalie. Loade rolls under the bottom rope- he wasn’t eliminated since you have to go over the top rope and have your feet touch the floor. Chuck-artie pursues Loade and slides between the second and third ropes, meaning also that he was still in the match. Chuck-artie flings Loade into the steel ring steps. “Loade is holding his lower back,” Suave announces, “he’s in a lot of pain and…what the hell?” Chuck-artie pulls out a table from underneath the ring and sets it up. “He puts Loade on the table!” Chuck-artie climbs the top turnbuckle and balances himself. “He’s not going to do what I think he’s going to do,” Suave says, “but wait! Loade gets up and he’s got Chuck-artie. No….NOOOOO.” Loade suplexes Chuck-artie from the top rope through the table. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave yells, “Loade just planted Chuck-artie through the table! And what? According to the referee, BOTH men technically went over the top rope! They’re out!” Earl Loade and Chuck-artie are eliminated.

The crowd starts up another ‘Holy s#@#’ chant. Loade and Chuck-artie slowly come to in wood pile that used to be a table. “I don’t think they’re dead,” Suaves says, “but they sure as hell should be. That was sick.”

Recapping who’s in and out.

OUT: FUBAR, Mr. Blackwell- The Fashion Fascist, Michael Hunt, Mr. No-Spin Bill O’Reilly, Gary Locke of the Raving Rednecks- Locke and Loade, Chuck-artie of the Dixie Chucks, Earl Loade of the Raving Rednecks-Locke and Loade.

STILL IN: Don Martini- one half of the tag team champions The Flying Martini Brothers and Chuck-atalie of the Dixie Chucks.

IN SINCE THE BREAK: Peacenik #1 of the Green World Order, “The Smelly Luchador” Halitosis, Little Paulie of the American Bikers, and Al Cahall from Politically Correct

Howard Dean’s Office
Justin Sufferable stomps in. “What do you want!” he says, “I’m supposed to wrestle in a just few moments!” The American Screamer Howard Dean, with the Attack Poodleette Nancy Pelosi and the Pith Lord Harry Reid, tries to calm him down. Dean tells Sufferable that he has given lots of thought to what he said earlier tonight about winning the BCEW Men’s Championship. “Because I want you to be happy…and successful,” Dean gestures at Pelosi and Reid, “WE…want you to be happy and successful. We’re bringing in the big guns to make sure you…and the Progressive Alliance…achieve our mutual goals tonight.” Dean then tells Pelosi to bring in their ‘big gun.’ “I wonder who that could be?” Suave ponders. Dean brings in a man, 6 foot 5, wearing a blue #18 football jersey. “PEYTON MANNING?” Suave says, “The Colts quarterback? HE’S the big gun?” “I am confident,” Dean says, “that a talent such as Peyton Manning, All-American quarterback, will give us the edge we’ll need to win our big game tonight!” Justin Sufferable doesn’t seem nearly as confident. “I’m right behind you Mr. Sufferable,” Manning gushes, “I even have a cheer for you. Who’s going to pin them; who’s going to win? Justin! Justin is!” Justin stops him. “Look, when the time comes, you can be in my corner. Until then, leave me alone.” Sufferable then leaves. Dean tells Peyton ‘just keep busy’ and he’ll get him when the time comes.

“Welcome back to ‘Backbreak Mountain,’” Johnny Suave says, “I am the voice of BCEW Johnny Suave. NFL quarterback Peyton Manning helping out Justin Sufferable. The Progressive Alliance is bringing out all of the artillery tonight. Let’s get back to the action.”

BUCKLAND COUNTY BACKBREAKING BUNKHOUSE BRAWL (CONT.)
Little Paulie hits a big uppercut on Chuck-atalie. Chuck-atalie turns around and shoves Little Paulie back into the ring ropes. Al Cahall slips in from behind and picks up Peacenik #1 of the Green World Order, who up to this point protested the violence by sitting in the middle of the ring and refusing to fight, and press slammed him. Cahall goes for a wheelbarrow bulldog on Peacenik #1 but before he hits the bulldog, Little Paulie dumps him over the top rope. Al Cahall is eliminated.

“That’s the end of the line for one of the members of Politically Incorrect,” states Suave, “we are down to five.” Little Paulie elbows Chuck-atalie in the face. Halitosis does a couple luchador-type moves and nearly knocks Little Paulie of the American Bikers out of the ring. Peacenik #1 then confronts Halitosis. Holitosis uses his patented finishing maneuver, the ‘breath of death,’ on Peacenik #1. Peacenik #1 is rendered unconscious. Then Little Paulie picks up the GWO member and deposits him outside the ring. Peacenik #1 is eliminated.

Another member of the Green World Order, The Vengeful Vegan Brock Cole Lee, comes out and takes Peacenik #1’s place. In the center of the ring, Lee and Little Paulie confronts each another. Lee starts talking smack to the American Biker. Little Paulie piefaces Brock Cole Lee and it’s on. Lee fires back with a big right hand and goes for a shoulder block. Little Paulie sidesteps the onrushing Vengeful Vegan and Lee crashes into and literally wakes up one half of the BCEW Men’s Tag Team Champions- Don Martini of the Flying Martini Brothers. Lee bounces up and gets another shoulder block by Little Paulie. The Dixie Chuck Chuck-atalie then suplexes Lee and sends him crashing onto the canvas. “Lee’s in trouble,” Suave says as Don Martini climbs onto the turnbuckle, “here comes the drunken luchador Don Martini…” Martini does a hurricane-rama from the top rope…and misses. “Well, at least he was close…kind of,” Suave says. Lee gets Martini up and tries to throw him over the top rope. Miraculously, Martini somehow holds onto the bottom rope.

At the bar, All-American quarterback Peyton Manning chant “Pour that beer! Pour that beer!” to cheer on Katie the Waitress who pours a draft beer for a customer.

Another member of Politically Incorrect, Nic Koteen, enters the match and immediately goes after Brock Cole Lee. “Koteen and Lee hate each other!” Suave says as both men hammer away at the other. Koteen puts the Vengeful Vegan up on the top rope and slaps him across the face. Lee then responds by talking trash and puts a headscissor around Koteen’s head. “That’s almost a choke hold,” Suave says as Lee squeezes his legs together and then tries to pull Koteen over the top rope. Lee, totally focused on Nic Koteen, forgets about Little Paulie lurking about. He grabs Lee and powerbombs him in the center of the ring! The fans chant “BCEW…BCEW!” Lee pulls himself up and gets smacked with right hands from Koteen. Lee counters with a big shot of his own. Then he whips Koteen into the ropes before Nic comes back, ducks a Brock Cole Lee clothesline, and clotheslines an unsuspecting Chuck-atalie out of the ring. Chuck-atalie of the Dixie Chucks is eliminated.

Then the smelly luchador Halitosis unleashes another ‘breath of death’ on Brock Cole Lee and then follows up with a neckbreaker that sends the Vengeful Vegan over the top rope. Brock Cole Lee is eliminated.

“We are down to Little Paulie of the American Bikers, Drunken Luchador Don Martini, Smelly Luchador Halitosis,” Suave resets. The next contestant runs down to the ring- it’s Peacenik #2. “The last member of the Green World Order,” Suave announces. He is handed a note by one of the production crew. “WHAT?” Suave says, “you can’t be serious.” He shake his head. “Ladies and gentlemen. The Hollywood Left has demanded air time for their special “Golden Globe” awards so they can pat themselves on the back, engage in self-congratulations, and tell us how more enlightened and self-important they are.”

**
The Hollywood Left’s Golden Globe Awards
George Clooney stands behind the podium. “And the winner is,” Clooney says, “William “Kirk” Shatner’s kidney stone!” Clooney hold up a plastic jar filled with formaldehyde contains the kidney stone of William Shatner. The paparazzi takes photo after photo of Clooney, the kidney stone, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon. “This is totally ridiculous!” Suave complains, “what a bunch of egomanic, narcissist, arrogant-” A commotion erupts. “What’s this?” DeWayne Cantrell appears and whaps George Clooney over the head with a steel-folding chair. “HOLY CRAP!” an overjoyed Suave shouts, “YES! He just hit Clooney with a steel-folding chair!” *CLANG* “And he just took out Hoffman!” *CLANG* “Down goes Joaquin Phoenix.” *CLANG* “Reese Witherspoon! Even though I really liked her in Illegally Blonde.” *CLANG* Geena Davis! *CLANG* “That guy from the 40 Year Old Virgin!” DeWayne walks to the podium and directs the cameraperson to come in close, really close. The camera man obliges. Then DeWayne yells into the camera: “LET’S GET BACK TO THE @#$#ing BRAWL!”

Back to the Bunkhouse Brawl (cont.)
The crowd goes wild. “I couldn’t have said it better myself!” Suave concurs, “uh, oh. Don Martini is up on the top rope again.” Little Paulie whips Halitosis into the corner. Martini loses his balance and falls hard to the floor for the elimination. Don Martini of the Flying Martini Brothers is eliminated.

Ringside, Peyton Manning jumps up and down cheering the ref. “GREAT CALL!” he shouts, “YOU’RE NUMBER ONE MAN!” The referee looks totally embarrassed.

“O-kay…well, while we were gone, Mr. Old School Don Rumsfeld, Ivan Rectum-Fighting Proctologist, Snott Flemmstein, and NRA from Politically Incorrect joined the Bunkhouse Brawl,” Suave advises.

Martini twitches on the outside. “I hope he’s okay,” Suave says, “that was not a good fall for the Drunken Luchador.” Halitosis tries to rally and goes to give the “breath of death” on Little Paulie. Instead, Little Paulie lifts up the Smelly Luchador tosses him to the floor. The Smelly Luchador Halitosis is eliminated.

Peyton Manning asks the bell ringer for his autograph. The bell ringer looks at him as if he’s insane.

Nic Koteen slaps his chest and front dropkicks Flemmstein and follows with a front dropkick to the midsection. Flemmstein stumbles around and tries to shoot more snot from his prostheticly enhanced nose. It jams up. “Flemmstein’s in big trouble!” Suave says as Ivan Rectum-Fighting Proctologist calls for the rubber gloves, “big BIG trouble!” *SNAP* Rectum puts on the rubber glove. Flemmstein immediately taps out. “But there’s no tapping out in the Buckland County Backbreaking Bunkhouse Brawl!” Suave says. Rectum snaps on the other glove. So instead, Flemmstein flings himself over the top rope and eliminates himself. Snott Flemmstein eliminated.

That leaves Nic Koteen and NRA of Politically Incorrect, Little Paulie from the American Bikers, Ivan Rectum-Fighting Proctologist, Mr. Old School Don Rumsfeld,. “Five in the ring and it looks like the way the draw worked out we will be seeing-,” Suave says, “…what the hell is NRA doing?” NRA inexplicatively leaps over the top rope and heads into the crowd. “Whoa. There’s something’s going on here,” Suave reports, “NRA is walking to the bar……it looks like someone’s giving his wife a hard time…” NRA confronts a guy holding two beers standing by his wife. “…or worse, he bought her a beer.” The police walk over to make sure nothing gets out of hand. In the ring, the referee signals that NRA is out. NRA eliminated. “NRA ELIMINATED HIMSELF!” Suave says.

NRA realizes what he’s just done. “@#$#!!!” he shouts.

“Well that was just weird,” Suave says. A meow SFX sounds. “YYESS!! Oh baby! Here we go! Here comes the SRB!” Enter Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie aka the Skanky Rich Bimbos. The SRB walks sleazily towards the ring followed by The ‘Sultan of Shock’ Howard Stern. “He is the next contestant!” Suave says, “the Sultan of-” “WAY TO GO JOHNNY, WAY TO GO!” Peyton Manning chants and claps, WAY TO GO JOHNNY…” “Oh Jesus, get out here!” a briefly startled Suave tells the NFL quarterback. “Nice cardboard cut-out,” Manning says pointing at the Shania Twain life-size cardboard cut-out. Suave shoos him away. “GO!” Stern enters the ring. The SRB cheers him on from the outside. “There are five men left in the ring and if my list is correct,” Suave observes, “there are only four wrestlers left to come out. Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance. ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido. A. Tom Bomb from the American Patriots. And his brother ‘Silent But Deadly’ Newt Tron Bomb- also of the American Patriots.”

Huge explosion sound effects. “And speaking of the Bombs,” Suave says, “it looks like it’s ‘Silent But Deadly’ Newt Tron Bomb who’s the next one in.

“There are five wrestlers left in the ring,” host Johnny Suave says, “‘Sultan of Shock’ Howard Stern, Ivan Rectum-Fighting Proctologist, Nic Koteen of Politically Incorrect, ‘Mr. Old School’ Don Rumsfeld, and ‘Silent But Deadly’ Newt Tron Bomb. There are three wrestlers left to come out- they are the top three contenders for the BCEW men’s championship: Justin Sufferable from the Progressive Alliance, A. Tom Bomb from the American Patriots, and Independent “No Frills” Chris Escondido.”

“This all started with a deal brokered by ‘Straight Shootin’ John McCain. The winner of tonight’s ‘Backbreaking Bunkhouse Brawl’ becomes the new undisputed BCEW Men’s Champion. Once we get down to the final four men, the First man to climb the ladder aka ‘Backbreak Mountain’..,” Suave refers to the ladder adjacent to the stage decorated up to look like a mountain, “…and grabs the BCEW Men’s Championship belt becomes the champion. Let’s get back to the action.”

*
BUCKLAND COUNTY BACKBREAKING BUNKHOUSE BRAWL (cont.)
Newt Tron Bomb slowly makes his way to the ring to join the other four. “He’s not in any great hurry to join the action,” Suave observes, “and he’s eating? What the hell is he eating?” Chowing on a bowl of baked beans, Newt continues to amble his way to the ring when a man dressed in a king-like costume with a ridiculously big grin on his face pushes him out of the way and bolts to the ring. “What?” a surprised Suave says, “HEY! THAT’S THAT CREEPY KING CHARACTER FROM THE BURGER KING COMMERCIALS!” The King jumps into the ring. The other four don’t quite know what to make of him. They look at each other. They look at the King. The four nod and then… “THEY’RE TAKING OUT THE KING!” Suave shouts as Howard Stern, Ivan Rectum, Nic Koteen, and Don Rumsfeld jump the king and start beating the hell out of him. “HOLY CRAP! THE CROWD’S GOING NUTS!” After a few seconds of mindless violence against a helpless TV character in costume, the four lift the King up and unceremoniously dump him out of the ring.

“The Burger King definitely didn’t have it his way tonight!” Suave cracks as the costumed character staggers past an amused Newt Tron Bomb towards the back. “And the referee has started to count Newt Tron Bomb out.” Now properly motivated, Newt Tron finally gets into the ring. Stern hooks up with Nic Koteen. Mr. Old School and Ivan Rectum have at it. Newt Tron stands in the middle of the ring. “Newt’s finally in there but…but…he’s standing in the ring. And he has this weird smile on his face. Why is he wearing a gas mask? And…OH MY GOD! WHAT IS THAT SMELL!……OH GOD, THAT IS RANK.” One by one, the other wrestlers start dropping like flies. “What the-…” Suave sees Newt Tron fanning his behind. “SILENT BUT DEADLY! SILENT BUT DEADLY!” he screeches as the last wrestler is overcome by the noxious fumes emitted from Newt Tron Bomb’s ass. “THEY’RE ALL OUT!” Newt Tron then dumps each one over the top rope leaving only him in the ring.

George W., his aide de camp Dick, The Mastermind Karl Rove rushes to the ring on one side. Bill Frist- Medicine Guy joins them to represent the American Patriots. The American Screamer Howard Dean and the Pith Lord Harry Reid races in from the other side for the Progressive Alliance. “Okay, what’s this all about?” Suave asks. Dean and Dick get into a squabble over what happens next. The Mastermind and Bill Frist chirps away at the Pith Lord Harry Reid. Meanwhile, a couple of ring technicians bring two big fans in to ventilate the leftover gas from Newt Tron Bomb. “What happens now?” Suave says, “I think that’s what they’re trying to figure out.” A few more seconds go by and the crowd grows impatient. A “BCEW…BCEW” chant rings out. Suddenly, Justin Sufferable appears. He is escorted to the ring by NFL All-American Quarterback Peyton Manning. “I think,” Suave says as ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido comes out, “I think they’re calling the other three to the ring now!” A. Tom Bomb, led by Daisy Cutter-Bomb, follows Escondido to the ring. Then the referee brings the ladder and the championship belt into the ring. He then puts the belt up on a wire and then the belt is hoisted about fifteen feet up in the air. “Yep, they’re going to put all four in now along with the ladder. The first man to climb the ladder and grabs the belt wins the title,” Suave says, “and you know it’s crunch time now because no one’s leaving ringside.” The American Screamer Howard Dean and Pithy Harry Reid stake out one side; Bill Frist-Medicine Guy and The Mastermind Karl Rove stake out the other. George W and Dick hang back off to the side.

“All four men are in the ring,” Suave says, “and so it begins.” A. Tom and Newt Tron Bomb immediately attack Justin Sufferable. A. Tom took the fight to Sufferable’s left arm and shoulder. Newt Tron suckers Justin and hits a cheap shot but the Progressive Alliance champion fights back and clotheslines Newt Tron. Then A. Tom Bomb kicks Sufferable in the back and follows with chest chops and a dropkick. A. Tom hit four power suplexes in a row and Newt Tron Bomb gets into the act with punches to Justin’s head. Standing out of the way is “No Frills” Chris Escondido. Finally, A. Tom Bomb motions Escondido to join them. “Escondido hates Justin Sufferable,” Suave observes, “he wants to destroy Justin Sufferable just as much as the American Patriots do!” As A. Tom Bomb holds Sufferable, Escondido hits two boots to Sufferable’s face. Escondido delivers some right hand punches, pulls Sufferable up and backdrops him, clotheslines and chops him to the chest. Newt Tron hits a spinning kick to Sufferable’s face. “The American Screamer Howard Dean and the Pith Lord Harry Reid are up on the apron screaming at the ref!” Suave says, “the American Patriots with help from Chris Escondido are taking Justin Sufferable out!” A. Tom locks in a front guillotine choke. “Sufferable can’t hold on much longer,” Suave says, “DEAN AND REID HAVE JUMPED THE ROPES!

Dean and Reid rush into the ring and try to aid Sufferable. Dean shoves Newt Tron Bomb down. Reid attempts to do the same to Chris Escondido. Bad move. Escondido pushes back and knocks down the Pith Lord. “AND NOW DAISY CUTTER-BOMB IS IN THE RING!” Suave announces. Daisy Cutter, the well-endowed younger sister of the Bomb brothers, clobbers Dean from behind and begins to stomp on him. Bill Frist-Medicine Guy and The Mastermind Karl Rove cheers as Daisy Cutter delivers a leg drop on the American Screamer. “NOW NFL ALL AMERICAN QUARTERBACK PEYTON MANNING IS IN THE RING!” Daisy Cutter turns her sights on the pro football player who’s not sure he wants to be in the ring. Daisy distracts the NFL star while Newt Tron slips in from behind and clobbers Manning from behind. “Manning is down!” Suave says as the NFL QB hits the turnbuckles and drops to the mat, “Daisy Cutter Bomb and Newt Tron Bomb have neutralized the American Screamer Howard Dean and Pith Lord Harry Reid. A. Tom Bomb and Chris Escondido are destroying Justin Sufferable! ” The Mastermind Karl Rove, again, points to his head to point out, again, just what a freakin’ genius he is, again. “This was the plan all along!” Suave says, “The Mastermind has choreographed this perfectly for the American Patriots!”

The music of Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop” suddenly starts to play and the crowd explodes when a plaid shirted man with a steel-folding chair and a mocha appears. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave wails, “HE’S HERE! HE’S BACK!” George W. and his aide de camp Dick can’t believe their eyes. “HE’S BACK!” Suave repeats, “IT’S THE TREE HUGGIN’, MOCHA CHUGGIN’, TOBACCO COMPANY BUGGIN’, INSANE EXTREME CHAIR SWINGING ALPHA MALE! THE ENVIROMENTAL EXTREME HARDCORE ICON- AL GORE!” As the crowd sings “Don’t stop, thinking about tomorrow,” Gore holds up his mocha, inside an environmentally friendly biodegradable container of course, and chugs it down. Then he spews it out of his mouth into the crowd and then crushes the paper container on his forehead in a manly fashion. “HE’S BACK IN BCEW!” Suave says as the Environmental Extreme Hardcore Icon slowly makes his way through the crowd. All action inside the rings stops as Gore continues his entrance. He pulls out another container of mocha, guzzles it down, spews it into the crowd, and then smashes the container on his forehead.

The crowd continues the sing along as Gore suddenly bolts for the ring. “HE’S COMING TO THE RING!” Suave says. The Mastermind Karl Rove is the first one he reaches. *CLANG* Rove goes down. Gore turns to Bill Frist-Medicine Guy. *CLANG* Same result. Daisy Cutter-Bomb leaps over the rope and *CLANG* catches the steel-folding chair flush in the face. She’s out. “THE ENVIRONMENTAL EXTREME HARDCORE ICON IS CLEANING HOUSE!” Suave roars over the crowd. Gore stares down George W and his aide de camp Dick who both try to keep their distance from him. Newt Tron Bomb then takes a swipe at Gore from inside the ring. Gore grabs his hand and drags Newt Tron over the top rope. The Bomb Brother lands on the floor and then… *CLANG* Gore drops a bomb of his own so to speak. The referee calls Newt Tron Bomb out of the Brawl. Newt Tron Bomb is eliminated.

“We’re down to three!” Suave exclaims, “Escondido. A. Tom Bomb. Justin Sufferable.” A. Tom Bomb is furious. He jaws with Gore while Escondido stays back and Sufferable tries to pull himself up. A groggy NFL All American Quarterback Peyton Manning also manages to climb back up to his feet. Manning leans back on the top rope and lays on it. “Sufferable is up but still hurt,” Suave announces, “Escondido bides his time and A. Tom Bomb is preoccupied with Al Gore.” Sufferable staggers back onto the ropes right by NFL Star Peyton Manning. Sufferable leans back on the already lowered ropes, loses his balance, and accidently flips over the top rope out of the ring. “SUFFERABLE IS OUT!” Suave cries as Manning looks down at Sufferable incredulously, “THE ALL-AMERICAN QUARTERBACK HAS JUST BLOWN ANOTHER BIG GAME!” Sufferable sits on the floor in total disbelief. Justin Sufferable is eliminated.

“Here comes the American Screamer,” Suave says Howard Dean races to the ring, “Dean is lighting up the referee. He is pissed.” Dean, Gore, and eventually Sufferable get into a heated protracted argument with the referee over Justin’s elimination. Sufferable demands to be put back in the ring. The referee refuses and again motions that Sufferable is gone from the brawl. While this is going on, George W’s aide de camp Dick slips in unnoticed. He reaches into his pants pocket and produces a shiny metal object. “What the hell?” Suave asks, “THAT’S A FOREIGN OBJECT! DICK HAS A FOREIGN OBJECT AND HE’S GOING TO GIVE IT TO A. TOM BOMB!” After making sure that the referee wasn’t looking, Dick tries to slip the shiny metal object to A. Tom. Suddenly, the crowd noise surges. “WHAT?” Suave says, not sure what’s happening now, “IT’S…IT’S……IT’S THE STRAIGHT SHOOTER JOHN MCCAIN!” McCain goes to the ring and confronts Dick about the foreign object. Dick tries to hide the object and look innocent. McCain doesn’t buy it. “McCain caught him red handed. He wants the object,” Suave says. McCain grabs for the foreign object and tries to pry it out of Dick’s hand. Dick desperately tries to hang on to it. As A. Tom Bomb looks down helplessly as the two men grapple over the foreign object, ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido seizes the opportunity and delivers a stiff forearm shot to the back of A. Tom Bomb and pushes him over the top rope out of the ring. A. Tom Bomb is eliminated.

“THAT’S IT!” Suave shouts, “CHRIS ESCONDIDO IS GOING TO BECOME THE NEW BCEW MEN’S CHAMPION!” Dick is in total shock. George W. stares at the ring with his mouth wide open. The referee breaks off his conversation with the American Screamer and goes to the ladder. The American Patriots watches helplessly as Escondido quickly climbs Backbreak Mountain (aka a very tall ladder dressed up as a mountain) and grabs the BCEW Men’s championship belt.

“No Frills” Chris Escondido wins the Buckland County Backbreaking Bunkhouse Brawl.

“HE’S DONE IT!” Suave says, “HE’S DONE IT! CHRIS ESCONDIDO IS THE CHAMPION! HOLY FREAKIN’ CRAP! CHRIS ESCONDIDO HAS PULLED IT OFF! UNFREAKIN’ BELIEVEABLE!” The Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon audience gives Escondido a standing ovation. George W., his aide de camp Dick, The Mastermind Karl Rove and the other members of the American Patriots all look like they’re about to hurl. Justin Sufferable and his Progressive Alliance mates are equally as distraught at the turn of events. A stream of independent wrestlers join Escondido in the ring to congratulate him: The American Bikers- Big Paulie and Little Paulie, Politically Incorrect- Nic Koteen, Al Cahall, and NRA, Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don-the Flyin’ Martini Brothers among others.

“Thanks to ‘Straight Shootin’ John McCain,” Suave recaps, “who stopped Dick from slipping A. Tom Bomb a foreign object, “Chris Escondido was able to knock A. Tom over the ropes and claim the BCEW Men’s Championship belt. That is it from Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon. This is Johnny Suave for BCEW- Buckland County Extreme Wrestling.”

********
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Prairie Depot Press

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PCW Rewind from year one: BCEW Thanksgiving Extravaganza

 

From November of 2005 when PCW (Political Championship Wrestling) was still BCEW (Buckland County Extreme Wrestling)…

**********

BCEW- THANKSGIVING EXTRAVAGANZA HOUSE EVENT AT BCEW HALL, EAGLE ROCK, OHIO

Results from the first BCEW House event to be held at the newly christened BCEW Hall in Eagle Rock, Ohio.

Earl Fletcher will be the ring announcer for tonight’s BCEW Hall event.

Earl comes out and welcomes everyone to BCEW Hall. He then says, “ever been driving down the road in your car and pretended that you had a small laser mounted on the front of your car that shot birds out of the air and other animals along the side of the road?” He is met by a baffled silence. “Guess not. Let’s get to the action.”

Match #1- Little Paulie with Big Paulie of the American Bikers vs. “No Frills” Chris Escondido
Another classic match between long time adversaries. Back and forth for several minutes until the end. As usual, Little Paulie and Big Paulie start bickering and arguing about match strategy and the amount of time Little Paulie is taking to win the match. Escondido charges at Little Paulie. Little Paulie this time steps out of the way and Escondido blasts into Big Paulie. Big Paulie flies off the ring edge to the mat below. Little Paulie then rolls up Escondido from behind and gets the win.

Announcements & Shane “I’m So Damn Funny I Just Crack Up At My Own Jokes” Ghackerman
Earl Fletcher reads some announcements. Fletcher makes some oblique reference to Madonna and then follows up with this gem. “If I a-happen to walk by one of those collector’s items Dick Tracy action figures thingys- like Madonna as Breathless Mahoney- and just **happen** to peek under her dress, would that be a bad thing?” The sound of crickets chirping follow. “Right. Well, if you think that’s bad, here’s Shane ‘I’m So Damn Funny I Just Crack Up At My Own Jokes’ Ghackerman.”

Ghackerman starts off with: “You all hear the story about the guy who was attacked by a donkey? Yeah, the sheriff said it was the worse ASS-kicking he’d ever seen.” *rimshot* Groans. More groans.

“Okay,” he continues, “What did the lady say to the guy who kept showing up at her door with a stick of celery? Hey! Stop stalking me!” *rimshot* More groans. A couple titters. But mostly groans.

“Got another one. What do you go through when you give up eating celery? Deceleration.” *rimshot* More groans. A ‘you suck.’

Actually, lots of ‘you sucks.’

“Right. Just say no to snorting Coke. It’s not good for you and the carbonation burns the hell out of the inside of your nose.” *rimshot* “Get it? Coke? The pop? Inside your nose? BHWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-urk…

Thankfully, Fletcher yanks Ghackerman out of the ring before he starts a full fledged riot.

Snott Flemmstein and Annoying Cell Phone Guy enjoy dinner at one of the back tables of the BCEW Hall. Everything goes well until Cell Phone Guy starts to get calls on his cell phone. Flemmstein slowly gets pissed off as Cell Phone Guy spends the next few minutes gabbing away. Finally, Flemmstein has enough and leaps across the table. The cell phone flies out of Cell Phone Guy’s hand. The two roll around on the ground. A referee suddenly shows up and we’ve got ourselves an impromptu match.

Match #2- Snott Flemmstein vs. Annoying Cell Phone Guy
This was doesn’t make into the ring. A couple minutes of action before Flemmstein shoots out the ol’ green ‘snot’ from his prosthetically enhanced nose and coats Cell Phone Guy again. The referee quickly counts 1-2-3 and the match is Flemmsteins.

Earl Fletcher introduces the Black Swamp Pirates who come out and play their new country song American Elitist.

“Hey Green Day,” said the band’s lead singer Junior Jackson, hoisting his middle finger high in the air, “I’ve got your #$#$ing redneck agenda right here!” The band starts to play…

I don’t want to be an American Elitist
Don’t want to be smug, self-absorbed, and conceited
Looking down your nose while sipping cappuccino
Push your political views cause you act or hit a high note

I know it’s hard to see us when you’re up so far above
I guess we’re supposed to listen, cause you’ve got a Hollywood star
Your perks and privilege gets you places we will never see.
Your power and prestige gets you people we’ll never meet.

So Barbra Streisand, you won’t defeat us
You and the rest of the American Elitists
Just like Michael Moore, hell, you’d better believe us
Stay inside your limousine behind the tinted glass
Hide behind the velvet ropes and you can kiss our ass

I don’t want to be an American Elitist
Corporate greed feeds the rich, the rest of us simply bleed yes
Golden parachutes, they protect the big gun
While no one gives a damn about the little ones

I know it’s hard to see us when you’re up so far above
And I guess you’ve got a better way since you drive a fancy car
Your perks and privileges gets you places we will never see.
Your power and prestige gets you people we’ll never meet.

So Rush Limbaugh, you won’t defeat us
You and the rest of the American Elitists
Just like, Dick Cheney, hell you’d better believe us
Stay inside your limousine behind the tinted glass
Hide out at your country clubs and you can kiss our ass

I don’t want to be an American Elitist
Big money special interests, well they get what they need yeah
One dollar equals one vote, that’s the way the game’s played
While the rest of us watch as our dreams slowly slip away

I know it’s hard to see us when you’re up so far above
And if you’ve got the cash to pay, you get all the fun
Your perks and privileges gets you places we will never see.
Your power and prestige gets you people we’ll never meet.

Hey NRA, you won’t defeat us
You and the rest of the American Elitists

 

Hey you, George Soros, you’d better believe us
Stay inside your limousine behind the tinted glass
Spend your cash, buy an election and you can kiss our ass
You and the rest of the American Elitists
Like Rolling Stone, you’d better believe us.
Stay inside your limousine behind the tinted glass
Watch us from your ivory towers and you can kiss our ass

The Pirates receive a standing ovation from the BCEW Hall audience.

Match #3- The Raving Rednecks Locke and Loade vs. The Dixie Chucks Chuck-artie and Chuck-mily
The match of the night. Lots of false finishes. Locke and Loade went for the Redneck 4-D Death Blast but Chuck-mily countered with a drop kick and Chuck-artie clobbered Locke from behind.. Locke somehow makes it to the rope. At one point Chuck-artie hits 5 German suplexes in a row. Eventually Chuck-mily was placed in the Redneck 4-D Death Blast and taken out of commission. Then both Locke and Loade attack Chuck-artie and end up laying him out. 1-2-3. Winner-Locke and Loade.

**
BCEW Romey Segment

BCEW Romey, who suspiciously looks a hell of a lot like BCEW Owner and huge fan of Jim Rome’s radio show Bubba Jackson, comes out to deliver a take.

BCEW Romey: “All right, I guess you’ve all heard by now that Mike Love of the Beach Boys filed suit against Brian Wilson for among other things, “misappropriating the trademark of the Beach Boys. Save it clones, I know what you’re going to say. “He’s been doing that for the past 10 years.” I get that. I get the fact that many of you consider him to be an attention starved, sue-happy crybaby. I get that. I get the fact that many of you are bent over how Mike turned the Beach Boys induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame into a night that will live in rock infamy. I get that, too.

“But what caught my attention was the phrase “the misappropriation of Mike Love’s songs.” Oh? What the hell is that? Did Brian misappropriate “Sumahama?” “Summer of Love?” Freakin’ “Kokomo?” No? Oh I get it. Lest we all forget that Mike Love is the guy who was inducted into the Songwriter’s Hall of Fame- no wait, that was Brian Wilson. We all know that Mike Love is the one who won a Grammy for his solo album- wait, that was Brian Wilson too. And of course, how could we forget the tribute show to Mike Love a few years ago- oh wait, that was Brian freakin’ Wilson.

Hey Wall Street Journal, you won’t defeat us

***
(Plays tape of Mike’s speech at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony)”I think it’s wonderful to be here tonight, but I also think it’s sad that there are other people who aren’t here tonight, and those are the people who’ve passed away…those are the obvious ones. But the other not-so-obvious ones are people like Paul McCartney who couldn’t be here tonight because he’s in a lawsuit with Ringo and Yoko- that’s what he said in a telegram to some high-pRicearonid attorney in this room, ya know? Now, that’s a BUMMER because we’re talking about Harmony in the world. If we can’t get it together in America and in England and harmony within our groups…I mean, believe it, you can believe it…the Beach Boys have their own (unintelligible) or whatever you call it, squabbles, but that’s a BUMMER when MS. ROSS can’t makeit, ya know? The Beach Boys’ll continue to do…we did about a hundred and eighty performances last year. I’d like to see the “MOPTOPS” match that-! I’d like to see MICK JAGGER get out on the stage and do “I Get Around” vs. “Jumpin’ Jack Flash” ANY DAY NOW! Now, a lot of people are gonna go outta this room tonight thinking that Mike Love is crazy…well, they been sayin’ that for years! Ain’t nothin’ new about that! And now we’re (slurring gets more pronounced) ssssittin’ in this room with all this glitterati of the glissando…all 6% of us…and we’re hasslin’, we’re fighting…(mumbles) squabbles, messin’ around…what I want to see is this whole room recognize that there is One Earth here and I want us to do something FANTASTIC with all of this talent and this wonderful spirit and soul, and I’d like to see some people KICK OUT THE JAMS, and I challenge “The BOSS” to get up onstage and jam..!” [Note: At this point, musical director Paul Shaffer plays the Theramin intro to 'Good Vibrations'...he might just as well have played the Twilight Zone Theme. Love continues to rant.] “I wanna see BILLY JOEL…see if he can still TICKLE IVORIES…lemme see! I know MICK JAGGER won’t be here tonight, he’s gonna have to stay in *burp* England. But, I’d like to see us in the Coliseum and he in Wembley Stadium, ’cause he’s always been CHICKENSHIT to get on stage with the Beach Boys...!” [Shaffer then tries to drown Love out by striking up the band, which inspires him to conclude] “…and we’re gonna do it for World Peace and Love and Harmony. Yeah! Alright!”

“We’re going to do it for World Peace and Love and Harmony. By insulting the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, Bruce Springsteen. Yeah Mike. That was a proud moment for the group. You, at the dais, calling out rock stars all in the name of World Peace, Love, and Harmony. I don’t know Mike. Perhaps the reason that Mick Jagger or Bruce Springsteen or Billy Joel won’t play with you is because they think that you’re the biggest jerk in rock music. Maybe you should, oh I don’t know, SUE them too for not wanting to share the same stage with you. That rant pretty much sums up the bug up Mike’s AAAHHH-SS over his perception that he’s not and never has been given his due. And that’s the real reason Mike Love is so bent, so bitter. The fact is that Brian Wilson gets more attention out of playing a handful of shows a year than he does playing hundreds of shows. Mike is bent because Brian Wilson releases three, count em, THREE solo CD’s over the past two years and he can’t get his own solo CD out. Mike is bitter because Brian Wilson is considered to be one of the most influential and pivotal figures in rock history while he’ll be known for being a cranky old, litigation-happy man who prances around the stage, walks like grandma while singing The Little Old Lady From Pasadena, and tells the same, corny, cheesy jokes at every show. It’s not bad enough that the Lovester tried to rewrite Beach Boys history in that ABC movie, he’s now trying to rewrite the history of Smile- “the misappropriation of Mike Love’s songs??” Give me a freakin’ break!

“Here’s what really pisses Mike off- Brian Wilson has SCOREBOARD over Mike Love and he always will.

“As always, I’ve got your emails here on the subject.

Dear BCEW Romey,

I can totally sympathize with Mike Love. *I* was the true genius of CCR, not that hack John Fogerty

Signed,
Tom Fogerty.

“Thank you Surfdude in SoCal. Let’s try another one.

 

Dear BCEW Romey,

Forget George Michael, WHAM! would have been nothing without me.

Signed,
Andrew Ridgeley

“Dave from the ‘Natti. Very good. Okay. One more.

 

BCEW Romey,

Mike Love should be ashamed of himself! Personally I think it’s disgusting when one family member treats another family member in that way.

Signed,
Liam Gallagher

“From J-Mac from C-town. Okay, okay. That’s enough. And Clones? I’m NOT reading the O.J. email. I’m not going there.

 

“I feel bad for Mike Love and the respect and stature he craves in the rock world. In fact, I feel so bad that I think we should organize a benefit concert for him. Let’s call it ‘Rock Against Mike Love.’ They’ll be a giant picture of Mike with a red circle and slash through it at the top of the stage. We’ll bring in celebrities who will do testimonials and ask for monetary donations. I figure we can raise enough money to send Mike to his own personal Elba somewhere out in the middle of the ocean out in the middle of nowhere where we won’t have to watch him prance across the stage, pretend he’s a grandma, or listen to some cheesy jokes from his piehole ever again. And maybe, just maybe, there he’ll finally get the respect and stature he deserves.”

At that moment, a guy wearing a hawaiian shirt and a ball cap jumps into the ring. “Who the hell are you?” BCEW Romey asks. “I’m Beach Guy Mike Louvre. I will not stand for any more slander against the heart, the soul, the true creative genius of the Beach Boys- Mike Love.” The crowd starts to boo. “Oh you know it,” Louvre continues, “Mike Love is the Beach Boys! He’s the voice of the Beach Boys and been touring for decades as the front man of America’s band. Mike Love kept the band alive while that no talent Brian Wilson stayed in bed. He’s on all of the band’s hits and without Mike Love there would be no Beach Boys at all.” More boos. “So all you Brian Wilson apologists can just-” Suddenly, a commotion erupts and Buckland County Police Chief Nick Shavings, a fervently passionate Beach Boy and Brian Wilson fan, jumps into the ring and tasers Beach Guy Mike Louvre. The crowd gives him a standing ovation.

Then BCEW Romey aka Bubba Jackson sets up a table in the middle of the ring and both he and Chief Shavings powerbomb Louvre through the table.

And to add insult to injury, Louvre gets shot in the ass by Ol’ Man Hanson.

Next, BCEW Women’s Champion Candiloosa Ricearoni comes out and wishes everyone a happy Thanksgiving. Then she apologizes for not defending the BCEW Women’s Belt because “there’s no one worthy to wrestle me for it.” Ricearoni then mentions “The Domestic Diva” Martha Stewart who’s “still under house arrest and can’t be here.”

Suddenly, “The Domestic Diva” Martha Stewart, long itching to get her shot at the Women’s champion, rushes down the aisle with Billionaire Don Trump and a deputy sheriff. Stuart holds up a piece of paper with the order that released her from home detention. “Unlock the ankle bracelet!” she commands the deputy, “UNLOCK THE @#@#@$$ ANKLE BRACELET!” The deputy reads it and then unlocks the bracelet. We’ve got a match…

Match #4- BCEW Women’s Champion Candiloosa Ricearoni vs. “The Domestic Diva” Martha Stewart with Billionaire Don Trump
Stuart looked off and very rusty here compared to her usual robust self. Most of this match was a brawl around the building. Ricearoni, irate over the challenge and not expecting a strong effort from Stewart, attacked her with a steel-folding chair and then got ready to pin her. Billionaire Bob Trump came out for the save (and got a big pop). He clubbed Ricearoniaroni with his gold-plated briefcase. Stewart went to cover but then inexplicatively he also turned on Stewart and whacked her in the back with his briefcase. Then he stood over her and said, “YOU’RE FIRED!” and walked out of the ring.

Stewart, furious at Trump’s turn, is the first one up. “You can fire me!” she yells at Trump, “You can cancel my show. But I WILL be the next BCEW Women’s Champion and no one can keep me from my title.”

“That’s what you think,” Ricearoni says from behind. She rolls up Stewart and gets the pinfall to hold on to the title.

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