From the ‘Palace of Political Extreme’ aka…BCEW Hall, Eagle Rock, Ohio
Host: Johnny Suave
Johnny Suave: “Welcome to BCEW! Tonight, we are at the Palace of Political Extreme, BCEW Hall! Tonight, a 3-way dance for the BCEW TV title between the champion, ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido (Independent), Big Oil (American Patriots) and the ‘Insanely Smelling Luchador’ Halitosis. Last week, we witnessed one of the most brutal and bloody wars BCEW has ever seen at Keystone State Khaos. The bitter war between Progressive Alliance representatives Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama escalated to another level as Triple R, backed by Hillary, defeated Barack’s wrestler, O’Beck Bahama. Let’s go back to last week. Triple R and Big Oil, political rivals united in Rush Limbaugh’s unholy alliance called the Chaotic Alliance of Convenience, are in total control of the match. Then this…”
REPLAY- THE END OF THE TRIPLE R/O’BECK BAHAMA MATCH FROM BCEW KEYSTONE STATE KHAOS
BCEW Champion Starz N. Stripes comes out and pulls Bahama off the table. Rush Limbaugh becomes apoplectic. Rush: “What are you doing? No. Wait! Stop!” Limbaugh can only watch as Starz then face plants Big Oil from the top rope through the table. Rush: “NOOOOOOO!!” Suave: “He’s dead. Forget it.” Crowd: “BCEW!…BCEW!” Suave: “Sweet revenge for what happened to Starz two weeks ago at BCEW Night of Champions.” The BCEW champ fights his way through Triple R and the Political Pitbulls and escapes to the back. Big Oil is busted open big time. The referee is out. Hillary screams at Triple R to finish the job. Triple R throws Bahama back in the ring. Suave: “We need a ref in there really…WAIT! IT’S ABC’S CHARLIE GIBSON AND GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS…AND THEY’RE WEARING REFEREE SHIRTS!” Barack immediately climbs up on the ring apron and heatedly complains about what’s going on. Gibson and Stephanopoulos listen as Triple R sits Bahama in the corner and puts a chair by his face. Barack screams at them to stop him. By the time Gibson and Stephanopoulos turn around, Triple R dropkicks the chair into Bahama. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Triple R covers. Both Gibson and Stephanopoulos count it out. Game over.
‘The American Screamer’ Howard Dean, leader of the Progressive Alliance comes out. Dean tries to decree that come hell or high water, the next leader of the Progressive Alliance will be decided by June. Dean: “I’m confident that either Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama will know when it’s time to drop out of the Progressive Alliance leadership race. We can’t afford to allow this to drag on any longer than absolutely necessary-”
Hillary Clinton then walks out with the Angry Highway Warrior- Triple R. She tells Dean that time and time again, Barack Obama has had a chance to put her away and hasn’t. Clinton: “He can’t close the deal.”
Barack Obama walks out with O’Beck Bahama. Bahama is heavily bandaged after the beating he took at BCEW Keystone State Chaos. Obama reminds Hillary that not only did her protégée Kathryn Randall Collins lose to BCEW Women’s champion Opal Winfree at Keystone State Khaos, she’s been put out of action for the next four weeks. Suave: “KRC took a nasty bump and sprained her neck. Here’s how it happened…”
REPLAY- THE END OF THE KRC/OPAL WINFREE BCEW WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH FROM KEYSTONE STATE KHAOS
KRC slaps on the Boston Crab. She wrenches Opal’s legs backwards and BCEW Women’s champion is in a world of hurt. Opal paws at the ropes and towards Barack. Obama puts the plate down on the canvas. Opal stretches out to grab the plate. She gets closer…closer…and finally she latches on to it. Opal breaks the hold by breaking the plate on KRC’s face. Hillary: “What the hell is that?” Opal still not in good shape. KRC gets the plate and breaks it over her head. Suave: “WE COULD HAVE A NEW CHAMPION! OPAL WINFREE IS IN BIG TROUBLE!” KRC leads Winfree to the corner and guides her up the turnbuckle. Suave: “She’s setting the champion up the superplex!” KRC has her set. Suddenly, Opal counters with a top rope DDT. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! DID YOU SEE THAT? SHE JUST KILLED KRC!” Opal covers…and holds on to the title.
Clinton challenges Obama to another match between Triple R and Bahama. Obama turns her down flat. Barack: “You’ve used every opportunity to unleash your political pitbulls, and now apparently the CAC, in order to beat down O’Beck Bahama. I’m not giving you another chance-” O’Beck takes the mic. O’Beck: “Forget the political s@@#! This is personal!” Bahama throws down the mic and gets in Triple R’s face. Obama tries to pull him back but Bahama pushes him away and tackles Triple R. Suave: “HE’S NOT GOING TO WAIT TIL NEXT WEEK!” Bahama pummels Triple R with rights and lefts. Obama again tries to pull him off but Bahama swats him away and starts to choke out Triple R. Suave: “HERE COMES BIG OIL!” Big Oil, his face black and blue and a total mess after getting face planted through a table, grabs Bahama from behind and slams him to the ground. Big Oil and Triple R double team Bahama until the BCEW Champion Starz N. Stripes (American Patriots) races out with a steel-folding chair and clobbers Big Oil with it.
Howard Dean throws up his hands. Dean: “You guys want to go? Fine.” Suave: “WE’VE GOT AN IMPROMPTU MIXED TAG TEAM MATCH!”
MATCH #1- POLITICAL FACTION MIXED TAG TEAM MATCH: ‘The New Rookie Sensation’ O’BECK BAHAMA (Progressive Alliance) and ‘The Original Rookie Sensation’ BCEW CHAMPION STARZ N. STRIPES (American Patriots) vs. Rush Limbaugh’s Chaotic Alliance of Convenience- TRIPLE R (Progressive Alliance) and BIG OIL (American Patriots)
A referee runs out and calls for the bell. Immediately, Bahama and Triple R pair up on the floor while Starz and Big Oil brawl into the crowd. Suave: “THIS IS GOING TO BE AN ALL OUT WAR!”
Bahama and Triple R flail away at each other. They exchange chairshots. Triple R clips the leg and then delivers another chairshot. Kneedrop. Suplex on the floor. Desperate low-blow by Bahama stops Triple R’s momentum. Rights by the New Rookie Sensation. Bahama whips Triple R into the steel guardrail. Chairshot buckles Triple R’s knees. Lariat up and over the guardrail into the first row. Crowd: “BCEW!…BCEW!” Someone hands Bahama a cup of beer. Bahama throws it in Triple R’s face. A pizza pan is held up. Bahama whaps Triple R with it. Suave: “TRIPLE R’s BUSTED WIDE OPEN!” Blood flows freely from a cut above Triple R’s left eye.
Big Oil and Starz N. Stripes battle fifteen rows up in the stands. Right hands from Big Oil. Right hands from Starz. They fight at the edge of the stands, precariously close to falling to the floor below. Starz kicks Big Oil in the groin and then presses his neck against a steel bar- part of the railing.
Bahama suplexes Triple R on the floor again. Woozy, Triple R can barely get back to his feet. Bahama sets up a table just below where Starz and Big Oil are fighting and hits a couple more rights to soften Triple R up. Suddenly, someone runs out. Suave: “Who’s that? IT’S REVEREND JEREMIAH WRIGHT! WITH A CHAIR!” Reverend Wright runs up to Triple R and swings the chair. Triple R ducks and Reverend Wright waffles Bahama instead. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Bahama down. Triple R down.
Big Oil suddenly backkicks Starz in the balls. Then he flips him over his back, over the side, and through the table ten feet below. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! THE BCEW CHAMPION JUST GOT PUT THROUGH A TABLE!” Starz is out. Out of nowhere, BCEW Television Champion ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido runs in and superkicks Big Oil over the railing and down through another table.
Suave: “THEY’RE ALL OUT! THE BCEW TV CHAMPION JUST MADE HIS TITLE DEFENSE A LITTLE EASIER BY TAKING OUT BIG OIL!”
Nurse Nellie and the BCEW Clean Up Crew come out and stretcher all four wrestlers from the carnage.
Suave: “The new political wrestling book Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction is now available at many online bookstores. The story features BCEW and many of the characters, including yours truly. Here’s a quick synopsis…”
Crack open a six of beer and crank up the music for a humorous and occasionally biting political satire just in time for the election year.
Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction is an independent call to arms, a rowdy, hard-hitting, no holds barred satire that finally puts politics in proper perspective- by equating it to professional wrestling.
A dark cloud has covered the American political landscape. The powerful forces of professional partisans, political operatives, and special interest groups have combined to polarize the electorate into two bitterly divided extreme camps while many people tune out of the political process altogether.
However, DeWayne Cantrell isn’t like most people.
Co-owner with Bubba Jackson of the world’s only political pro wrestling federation, Buckland County Extreme Wrestling, DeWayne, a reformed politician himself, skewers the political world on a weekly basis on the BCEW wrestling show. But when powerful United States Senator David Hutchinson gets wind of what Cantrell is doing, DeWayne finds himself being subpoenaed to appear before a Senate sub-committee on the ‘Media and Their Contribution to the Coarseness of the American Culture.’ It is only after a heated exchange with Senator Hutchinson at the contentious hearing that DeWayne realizes that it’s no joke anymore.
Cantrell then throws his hat into the political ring and challenges Hutchinson for his Senate seat. Can DeWayne stand up for the little guy against the establishment of both political parties and stick it to the Washington D.C. elites? To what lengths will the professional politicians and their special interest groups go to stop him?
And will American politics ever be the same?
Loose Cannons… is produced by Prairie Depot/I-73 Independent Press and distributed through Lulu Press. The novel is now available online at Amazon, Lulu.com, and other online bookstores.
A REVIEW OF LOOSE CANNONS AND OTHER WEAPONS OF MASS POLITICAL DESTRUCTION BY AUTHOR STEPHEN HINES:“J.D. Elder’s novel is a brilliant work of over-the-top satire that spares no one in modern American politics. By using professional wrestling, he is able to ingeniously mock the insanity in our corrupt two party system.”
A REVIEW OF LOOSE CANNONS AND OTHER WEAPONS OF MASS POLITICAL DESTRUCTION BY AUTHOR TERRY W. ERVIN II:“A fast-paced storyline laced with some of the best political satire I’ve read in quite some time, where no side (left or right, or even the luke-warm middle) is safe. In it, this book combines Pro Wresting, Humor and Politics for a down-right entertaining read…and maybe, just maybe, a few common sense solutions. ”Ervin is an Ohio author and his short story, Vegetable Matters, is included in a new compilation called MindFlights, Issue 1.
NOTES FROM PRAIRIE DEPOT PRESS:On Amazon.com, you can now use their ‘search inside the book’ feature to view excerpts from Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction.
Backstage in one of the back rooms, BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin poses for a photo in bed. She’s sitting up with the blanket covering her chest and with her bare back clearly showing. Suave: “Well, hey. At least she’s not fifteen years old and posing for this, right? That would be creepy…oh, hold on a second………right………I stand corrected. Creepy is a 28 year old professional baseball player dating a fifteen years old.”
MATCH #2- THREE-WAY DANCE FOR THE BCEW TELEVISION TITLE: ‘No Frills’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO © (Independent) vs. ‘The Insanely Smelling Luchador’ HALITOSIS (Independent) vs. BIG OIL (American Patriots)
No Big Oil as he’s been taken to the hospital for observation. Escondido and Halitosis go extreme lucha libre and the BCEW TV champion does a good job keeping up with the Insanely Smelling Luchador. Quick paced match, Escondido stays away from Halitosis’s lethal breath. Escondido reverses a hurricarana attempt and turns it into a tilt-a-whirl suplex slam. Escondido goes up top. Another run-in. Suave: “I DON’T BELIEVE IT! BIG OIL IS BACK!” Big Oil, even more heavily bandaged than before, limps out and pushes Escondido off the top rope. He climbs into the ring and power bombs Halitosis. Big Oil then sneers at Escondido. Powerbomb. Cover. 1-2-3. New TV champion.
WINNER AND NEW BCEW TELEVISION CHAMPION: BIG OIL (American Patriots)
Big Oil gets on the mic and mocks everyone in the building, holding four fingers up in the air to signify $4 a gallon of gasoline. Texas Tex joins him to celebrate.
Suave: “NEXT WEEK! BCEW HOOSIER HOUSE PARTY FROM FORT WAYNE, INDIANA! HERE’S THE CARD…”
BCEW TITLE MATCH:
‘The Original Rookie Sensation’ Starz N. Stripes © (American Patriots) vs. Big Oil (American Patriots)
BCEW WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH:’Media Empress’ Opal Winfree © (Progressive Alliance) vs. ‘BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin (Independent)
BCEW TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH:A. Tom Bomb and Hy Drogen Bomb © (American Patriots) vs. The Schett Brothers (Progressive Alliance)
PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE GRUDGE MATCH REDUX:
‘The New Rookie Sensation’ O’Beck Bahama w/Barack Obama in his corner vs. ‘The Angry Highway Warrior’ Triple R (Road Rage Randy) w/Hillary Clinton
A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT BY BCEW OWNER BUBBA JACKSON
J.D. Elder’s new novel Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction features BCEW and several characters in the story. Check out this funny and occasionally biting political satire at:
Prairie Depot Press- Adventures in Low Budget, Small Time Book Publishing
Visit our sister blogs:
Filed under: 2008 Election, 2008 Presidential Election, Barack Obama, Blogs- Pro Wrestling, democrats, Hillary Clinton, John McCain, political satire, Politics, republicans | Tagged: big oil, books, fiction, Howard Dean, literature, Miley Cyrus, Mindy McCready, novels, Oprah Winfrey, Pro Wrestling, Reverend Jeremiah Wright, Roger Clemons, Rush Limbaugh, satire, TNA, WWE | 1 Comment »