PCW Extreme Election Night
Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon
Tuesday November 2nd
Host: Johnny Suave
Johnny Suave and his life-size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain
Loud crowd chant of ‘PCW…PCW…PCW.’ Suave and Shania are in the ring.
Suave- HELLO AND WELCOME TO P-C-W EX-TREME ELECTION NIGHT 2010!
Suave- Four years ago, the Democrats took over control of the PCW Competition Committee and Executive Committee. Two years ago, PCW Owner Bubba Jackson appointed Democrat Barack Obama as the new PCW CEO. Tonight, it’s the Republicans who come into Extreme Election Night with the momentum on their side. Can they follow it through? How much help will the Tea Party and Sarah Palin give them? How much help can Bill Clinton and CEO Obama give the Democrats? Over the next two and a half hours, we’re going to find out.
The crowd cheers.
Suave- Let’s run down the card one last time before we get the evening started.
Ohio: Lee Fisher (D) vs. Rob Portman (R)
Delaware: Christine O’Donnell (R) vs. Chris Coons (D)
Florida: Charlie Crist (I) vs. Marco Rubio (R) vs. Kendrick Meek (D)
Pennsylvania: Pat Toomey (R) vs. Joe Sestak (D)
Kentucky: Rand Paul (R) vs. Jack Conway (D)
Alaska: Joe Miller (R) vs. Scott McAdam (D) vs. Lisa Murkowski (I)
Connecticut: Richard Blumenthal (D) vs. Linda McMahon (R)
California: Carly Fiorina (R) vs. Barbara Boxer (D)
Nevada: Harry Reid (D) vs. Sharron Angle (R)
PCW Tag Team Title Match: The Kings of Old School: Ricky Michaels/Marty Lane (D) vs. The International Hit Squad: Andy Golatta and Daniel-San (I)
PCW Title Match: Jill-Berg (R) vs. PCW Champion Yamamoto Tanaka (D)
If Berg wins, she will become the first woman ever to be the PCW Champion. But the road will be perilous. The National Organization of Women want to stop her. Does the 95 pound Berg have a sniff of a chance against the 350 pound PCW Champion?
AND Charlie Blackwell (I-American Heartland) gets married.
Suave and Shania are back to their broadcast positions.
Suave- Can the unbeaten Jill Berg find a way to defeat Yamamoto Tanaka? We’ll find out later on. Let’s go to the ring and Kimber Marshall-
Marshall climbs into the ring. But then ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann appears.
Suave- No. What the hell does he want?
Mr. McMann leads Big Oil, Big Electric, Kirk Walstreit, and Rough Justice (D.B. Ruff and Connor Justice- two former police officers fired for their extreme style of law enforcement), to the ring.
Suave- It’s ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann and he’s leading his Corporation of Domination up to the ring. If I were Kimber Marshall, I might want to get out of there right now.
McMann and company climb into the ring to a ringing round of boos from the crowd.
Mr. McMann- SHUT UP, YOU UNGRATEFUL INGRATES! Do you know who I am? I am the undisputed genius of Sports Entertainment!
More boos roll in.
Mr. McMann- And since I know what you inbred pukes want, I’ve come here tonight to this redneck shack out in the middle of God-knows where to once again, offer PCW my services.
Mr. McMann- Now, Kimber Marshall does a passable job of ring announcing. But-
Suave- Ah, Kimber does a more than passable job there.
Mr. McMann- But. I have someone in the back who’ll do a better job. Lance! Come on down!
Lance Terry comes to the ring. He’s greeted with a solid wall of boos.
Mr. McMann- Well? What do you think?
McMann is livid. Big Oil, Big Electric, and Kirk Walstreit line up behind him. Rough Justice drags Kimber Marshall into the ring.
Mr. McMann- You all are going to find out just how potent the power of a big corporation is. Lance is going to do the ring announcing for tonight’s show because there’s no one here who can stop us from making it so. Big Oil? DO IT!
Rough Justice hands off Kimber to Big Oil. Big Oil lifts her up…
Suave- NO! YOU CAN’T DO THAT! SHE’S DONE NOTHING-
The crowd roars…
‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido, Charlie Blackwell, and Kenzie Blair (I-American Heartland)
International Hit Squad: ‘Foul Pole’ Andy Golatta, Daniel-San, and Mrs. Miyagi
Blackwell and Escondido rescue Kimber and brawl with Big Oil. Golatta takes on Big Electric. Daniel-San quickly takes down Walstreit.
Suave- Rough Justice try to sneak up behind Blackwell. OH!
From behind, Kenzie Blair and Mrs. Miyagi deliver simultaneous low blows to Rough Justice. Both Ruff and Justice cover their privates and dance in the ring.
Suave- TWIN LARIATS by Escondido and Blackwell! WAIT A MINUTE! ON THE FLOOR!
Kimber Marshall has wrapped Lance Terry’s tie around his neck and is choking him with it.
Suave- HOLY CRAP! THAT CAN GET YOU FIRED IN OTHER WRESTLING COMPANIES! HE’S TURNING BLUE! That’s not good, right?
Terry is on all fours and trying to breathe.
Suave- We’re going to try and get this mess cleaned up. Let’s go to Paige McGillicutty in back.
Paige- Paige McGillicutty here in back with one Linda McMahon. Linda, your thoughts?
Linda McMahon (R)
Linda- Paige, I’m shock and appalled at what just happened. If PCW would only adhere to PG standards that type of trash would never make the airwaves.
Paige- Linda, Keith Olbermann had this to say…
Olbermann- Vince McMahon is fed up with “misleading and malicious attacks” on WWE. Presumably it’s where one can stand up for his right to order a female performer to get on all fours and bark like a dog.
He then showed a clip of the infamous Vince McMahon-Trish Stratus skit where Stratus was on all fours and barked like a dog.
Linda- Well…I also believe in First Amendment rights. People shouldn’t have a problem with it because they choose to watch the show.
Paige- I see…back to you Johnny.
Suave- Yeah, I’m not sure that made much sense either. I liked it better when she was asking Richard Blumenthal if he knew how to create a job. We are ready for our first match. To Kimber Marshall in the ring.
Kimber- Our first match is a one fall, thirty minute time limit. From the Great State of Ohio-
Kimber- In the blue corner, representing the Democrats, LEE FISHER!
Lee Fisher (D-Ohio)
Kimber- And his opponent, in the red corner, Republican ROB PORTMAN!
Rob Portman (R-Ohio)
Suave- Fisher versus Portman in our first match of the night. Fisher is the older and more experienced wrestler but Portman’s put together a nice campaign.
The bell rings.
Suave- And here we go. Lock up in the middle. Fisher tries to push Portman back. Portman resets his feet and drives Fisher into the turnbuckle.
Fisher sticks his arm under and around the top rope. The referee immediately calls for a break.
Suave- Referee Ron Martin calls for a break. Portman steps back. Now Fisher walking around the ring. Portman cuts him off and locks up. Fisher sends Portman for the- no…reverse…Portman whips Fisher into the ropes.
Portman bends down and Fisher goes flying up and over.
Suave- Back body drop by Portman. Fisher rolls to the ropes and grabs them. The referee calls for another break.
Portman steps back and Fisher tries to regroup.
Suave- Fisher back in…he gets a fireman’s carry takeover…a couple stomps…now Fisher going for a high elbow dropppppp…
Fisher drops and Portman rolls out of the way.
Suave- …MISSED IT! Portman grabs Fisher’s legs…OH!
Portman jumps in the air and drops both legs on Fisher’s groin.
Suave- That’ll mess your day up! Fisher’s trying to get up and Portman sends him right back down. Cover by Portman…NO…Fisher out at two. Portman rolls him up again…one…two…Fisher grabs onto the bottom rope.
Portman again steps back and allows his opponent to get up.
Suave- Portman not wasting any time…whip into the ropes…HIGH CROSSBODY BY PORTMAN! COVER…1…2…3!
Kimber Marshall climbs into the ring.
Kimber- The winner at three minutes and forty-nine seconds…ROB PORTMAN!
Suave- So Rob Portman gets the night started off right for the Republicans with an easy win over Lee Fisher. Hold on…there’s some commotion…
Ted Strickland (D)
John Kasich (R)
Strickland and Kasich race down to the ring. Strickland tries to clothesline Portman. Portman ducks out of the way and Kasich tackles Strickland.
Suave- It’s Ted Strickland and John Kasich! Now they’re brawling in the ring! There’s been a lot of tension between those two over the past few weeks and it’s finally exploded!
Strickland telegraphs a back body drop and pays with a kick to the chest. He then goes for a springboard move but misses and gets hit with a mule kick.
Suave- Kasich raining down punches on Strickland…INCOMING!
Bill Clinton and Joe Biden (D)
Clinton and Barack Obama’s Aide de Camp Biden wade in and start cleaning up on Kasich. Kasich whipped into the ropes…double clothesline!
Republicans Chris Christie of New Jersey, Haley Barbour of Mississippi, and Tim Pawlenty of Minnesota race down.
Chris Christie (R-NJ)
Christie grabs Biden and whips him out of the ring. Clinton slips out along with Strickland to ringside.
Suave- Chris Christie and Joe Biden having a stare down as the Democrats walk back down the aisle. The first match is in the books and it’s Rob Portman with the win over Lee Fisher.
Nancy Pelosi (D)
Nancy Pelosi stands beside a makeshift grave.
Pelosi- I know, you all pretty much have my career as the Leader of the PCW Competition Committee dead and buried. I get it. But let me say this, I’m not going out with a fight. Jill-Berg, for the final time, you are never going to be the PCW Champion. You might as well bury that dream right here…
She points at the grave.
Pelosi- There will be talk of plots and conspiracy theories over the next few months, but I will set them straight right now. Jill-Berg will lose tonight because of one person, and one person only: me. Now that poor Jill will be condemned to an eternity of agony, thinking of what could have been, I wants all of you to thank me. Thank me for removing the false hope Jill Berg had of defeating our PCW Champion, Yamamoto Tanaka. I know you, particularly the Republicans out there, are all clinging to a futile shred of hope that somehow, Jill Berg will defeat Tanaka tonight. That is never going to happen. Tanaka is the World Heavyweight Champion and he will walk out of here tonight with the belt while Jill Berg goes back to her rich friends at the office and cries in her champagne.
Suave- A defiant Nancy Pelosi vowing that Jill Berg will not become the next PCW Champion. Let’s head back to the ring for our second match of the night.
Kimber Marshall in the ring.
Kimber: Our second match is a three way dance, one fall, thirty minute time limit. Introducing first in the red corner, Republican CHRISTINE O’DONNELL!
Christine O’Donnell (R-Delaware)
Kimber: And her opponent is in the blue corner, representing the Democrats, CHRIS COONS!
Chris Coons (D-Delaware)
Suave- Tea Party favorite Christine O’Donnell and Democrat Chris Coons in our second match of the evening.
A group of five guys dressed up as ladybugs cheer O’Donnell on.
Suave- Okay. That was something I didn’t need to see. There’s the bell. It’ll be very interesting to see if O’Donnell’s inexperience hurts her in this match. They circle cautiously. Coons shakes off a boot to the midsection by O’Donnell. He grabs the air and whips her into the ropes. But O’Donnell grabs on to the rope.
Coons takes off and lariats O’Donnell over the top rope to the floor.
Suave- HOLY CRAP! COONS NEARLY TOOK O’DONNELL’S HEAD OFF AND SENT HER TO THE FLOOR.
Coons climbs to the top of the corner turnbuckle.
Suave- Coons trying to make this one a quickie.
‘The Princess of Political Incorrectness’ Andrea Doria
Suave- IT’S THE TEA PARTY! ANDREA DORIA RAN OUT FIRST AND PULLED O’DONNELL OUT OF THE WAY! O’DONNELL HAS A CHAIR.
She whaps it over Coons head. O’Donnell dithers about what to do next. She goes for another chairshot but Coons kicks the chair into her face.
Suave- HOLY CRAP!
O’Donnell topples over. The rest of the Tea Party (Nic Koteen, NRA, Al Cahall, Grizzly Adam, and Hunter the Hunter) run down to attend to O’Donnell. Then a surprise shows up on the ramp.
Mike Castle (R-Delaware)
Suave- That’s Mike Castle! O’Donnell’s primary opponent. He’s watching but he’s not doing anything.
The referee tells the Tea Party to get back. Coons takes O’Donnell back into the ring. He connects with a boot to the midsection.
Suave- Big boot by Coons. Coons has her up…
Coons suplexes O’Donnell to the middle of the ring.
Suave- And down she goes. And all the while, Mike Castle just watches.
Castle smiles and stays on the other side of the guard rail in the first row. Coons goes up top rope. He flies, O’Donnell rolls, and Coons lands on the mat.
Suave- No one home! O’Donnell able to get out of Dodge just in time! Coons traps O’Donnell in the corner. O’Donnell fakes one way and slips under Coons arm. Coons then grabs her arm and tosses O’Donnell out of the ring. Coons goes for a springboard moonsault, but this time it’s NRA and Nic Koteen who pull O’Donnell out of the way. Coons lies flat on the floor. What the hell is Mike Castle doing?
Castle tells the ref that the Tea Party interfered again. While he’s ‘conferring with the referee,’ Joe Biden runs down again and gets a couple shots in on O’Donnell. Then…
List flies in and hits O’Donnell with a mid-air drop kick. Her friend Code Pink also runs down and pulls O’Donnell up.
Suave- Emily List and Code Pink doubleteam O’Donnell. Coons on the top rope. Coons takes her down with a drop kick.
Andrea Doria finally has enough and she launches herself at List. She and List fight on the outside. Hunter the Hunter tosses Code Pink into the guardrail.
Suave- Coons decides to get back in the ring while the others brawl outside. Coons with a head lock. He rolls O’Donnell for a pin.
O’Donnell kicks out at two.
Suave- I DON’T BELIEVE IT! SHE KICKED OUT…COONS WITH A BACKSLIDE…
The referee pounds the mat twice and again, O’Donnell kicks out.
Suave- TWO COUNT AGAIN!
Standing drop kick from Coons sends her back down.
Suave- ANOTHER COVER! ONE…TWO…
O’Donnell again gets the shoulder up.
O’Donnell stands. Standing dropkick to the balls.
Suave- HOLY CRAP! Whoa!
Coons falls. O’Donnell with a leg drop.
Suave- Leg drop by O’Donnell. And another. She covers. One.
Coons powers out. O’Donnell drops the knee right on Coons’s groin. She hooks the leg and covers.
Suave- Cover by O’Donnell…one…two…NO!
Coons kicks out. O’Donnell stomps him and then climbs the top turnbuckle.
Suave- O’Donnell going up…NO!
Emily List and Code Pink go over and push her off the top. O’Donnell lands hard on her back.
Suave- O’Donnell too impatient and went for the home run. Coons regains control of the match. He crawls over and makes the cover…one…two…THREE! That’s it! Chris Coons takes advantage of Christine O’Donnell’s inexperience and gets the win for the Democrats.
Kimber Marshall in the ring.
Kimber- The winner of the match at six minutes, thirty-four seconds- Democrat CHRIS COONS!
Suave- Tough loss for O’Donnell who’s also supposed to be a guest on a special edition of Bill Clinton’s Hot Tub tonight. Let’s go to the back and William Jefferson Clinton.
Bill Clinton’s Hot Tub Segment
Bill Clinton glumly sits in his hot tub…alone and flanked by two Secret Service men. Off to the side of the hot tub lies a ladybug costume.
Clinton- I don’t know what else I could have done. I even brought her a ladybug costume just so she’ll feel comfortable. *sigh*
Secret Service Agent 1- I don’t think Miss O’Donnell is coming sir.
Clinton- This makes me profoundly sad. (bites lip) I feel my pain.
Lady’s voice- WAIT! WAIT!
Suave- Who the-
Fmr White House Correspondent Helen Thomas
Suave- Oh, God…
Bill Clinton takes one look at Helen as she whips off her robe in front of him.
Helen- I’ll guest on your show!
Clinton’s voice- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Suave- That was close.
Filed under: 2010 Election, Average Joe, Barack Obama, Blogs- Pro Wrestling, democrats, Independents, joe six pack, Joe the Plumber, Paul Heyman, political satire, political wrestling, Politics, Pro Wrestling, red state, republicans, Small Town America, Third Party, wordpress political blogs | Tagged: Bill Clinton, Chris Christie, Chris Coons, Christine O'Donnell, Lee Fisher, Rob Portman | 2 Comments »