PCW OVERVIEW (for the uninitiated)
Suave: “It’s the go home show leading to next week’s Loose Cannons Unleashed 4! This is the final leg of the PCW Roadshow Across America tour and tonight we are live in Butte, Montana.” Suave announces the main event for tonight, a number one contender match for the PCW Women’s title between Kathryn Randall Collins aka KRC (Progressive Alliance) and ‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin and then recaps last week’s edition of PCW Extreme Political TV:
RECAP OF LAST WEEK
Big Oil stole American Trucker’s semi-truck and ran it into Average Joe’s average house, causing both to blow up. Wrestling legend in a cheap fedora, Indianola Jones, returns to the ring for the first time in 19 years to stand up to Big Oil. Big Oil challenges him to a match for the PCW Television title.
‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann returned again to PCW to beg for a job. However, PCW CEO George W told him that someone else was getting a tryout this week- Vince Rousseau.
Independent wrestler ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido defeated jobber FUBAR yet again. FUBAR vents after the match about always losing. Escondido tells him sarcastically to go get a life coach.
Vince Rousseau’s gimmick match involving an oversized Mousetrap board game and parts doesn’t quite go as planned.
The Progressive Alliance’s Triple R demands yet another match with O’Beck Bahama. He stands in the ring and swears he won’t move until he gets his match. Big Oil clears out Triple R and then takes on Indianola Jones. Jones, age 65, shocks the wrestling world by going George Foreman and Terry Funk and upsets Big Oil with the katahajime to become the new PCW Television champion. To top the evening off, American Trucker and Average Joe steal Big Oil’s wheelbarrow full of cash and run off with it.
A quick moment of silence for late rock legend Bo Diddley starts the show.
PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE MEETING
Bill and Hillary Clinton make a final plea before a panel consisting of the ‘American Screamer’ Howard Dean, Nancy Pelosi, and Harry Reid. Hillary once again passionately presents the case that she, not Barack Obama, would be the best person to go up against the American Patriots’s John McCain for PCW CEO. Bill angrily rails against the treatment of Hillary throughout the process.
The Rev. Michael Pfleger then runs in and starts rubbing his eyes. Pfleger: “Oh, boo-hoo-hoo! This is mine. I’m Bill Clinton’s wife! I’m entitled. I’m-” Howard Dean: “Dude, you’re not helping.” Dean has Pfleger removed and then breaks the news to the Clintons. Dean: “It is my intention to introduce Barack Obama tonight as the nominee of the Progressive Alliance.” Bill protests but Dean tells him ‘it’s over.’
Scott McClellan is in the ring to explain his new book while a third of the fans, who support the American Patriots, chant “YOU SOLD OUT! YOU SOLD OUT!” Over the din, McClellan tries to explain that he exercised his conscience in writing What Happened: Inside the Bush White House and Washington’s Culture of Deception. He noted that the tone of the book changed and became sharper as the process went along. A horribly off-key mariachi band began to play ‘Hail to the Chief’ and PCW CEO George W came to the ring. W doesn’t look in the greatest of moods and confronts McClellan.
George W: “Scott, why? How could you do that to me?” McClellan again tries to explain himself. McClellan: “You said, we were going to restore-OW! We were going to restore honor and integrity. You said-OW! You said, we were going to set the highest of-OW! The highest of standards-OWWW! DAMMIT BOB DOLE! STOP HITTING ME WITH BOTTLES OF VIAGRA!” Bob Dole climbs into the ring and growls at McClellan. Bob Dole: “You wanna know what Bob Dole thinks? Bob Dole thinks you’re a miserable creature motivated by greed to sell out George W. That’s what Bob Dole thinks.” McClellan tries again to explain himself but Dole pushes him. McClellan: “Stop that.” Crowd: “YOU SOLD OUT!” Dole: “Let’s go! If a sixty-five year old man can win the PCW Television title, then this eighty-four year old can kick your gutless ass, you ingrate. You should have quit or spoken up if you had issues.” Dole shoves him again. McClellan: “Bob, stop it.” Dole: “When the cash rolls in from your book, you should donate it to a worthy cause, such as, ‘Biting the Hand that Feeds Me.” Dole shoves him again. McClellan warns him one more time to stop pushing him. Dole: “If all these awful things were happening, you should have spoken up like a man or quit your cushy, high profile job. That would have taken integrity and courage.” McClellan tries to walk away. Dole spins him back around and jabs the pen that’s clenched in his left hand (the arm that was injured in the military) across McClellan’s forehead. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! HE’S BUSTED OPEN!”
McClellan sees his own blood, snaps, and knees Dole in the groin. Then he clotheslines the former senator and high tails it from the ring, leaving the elder statesman of the American Patriots lying in the ring. Suave: “I’d make some smart-ass Viagra joke right here but I don’t think it’d be very appropriate.”
FUBAR comes out and addresses the aftermath of his match with ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido last week where Escondido told him to get a life coach. FUBAR announces that he’s done exactly that and introduces his new life coach- Dr. Bill. Suave: “Dr. Bill? What the hell? A cheesy rip-off of Dr. Phil?” Dr. Bill walks out and joins FUBAR. FUBAR brags that the advice Dr. Bill has given him in the last week has totally changed his life. Suave: “Okay. He said that about Coach Bobby Petrino before he left to take a better paying job and Coach Bob Knight before Knight threw a chair at him.” Dr. Bill says that ‘FUBAR’s tired of losing. So I told him, STOP LOSING!” Suave: “That’s freakin’ brilliant, Sigmund Freud.”
MATCH #1- PCW TELEVISION TITLE MATCH: INDIANOLA JONES © (Independent) vs. FUBAR w/his life coach Dr. Bill (Jobber)
Suave: “I’ll give Indianola Jones credit. He might be 65 years old but he’s not wasting any time putting the TV belt on the line.” FUBAR comes out with newfound confidence and takes the battle to Jones. But early on, Jones holds control of the match with a rest hold chinlock. Snap mare suplex by Jones. Elbow drop. Jones goes armdrag and then wrenches the arm around the ring post. Dr. Bill yells encouraging mini-slogans at FUBAR including: “You’re losing the match, start winning.” Suave: “Again, this guy certainly earns every penny he gets…”
FUBAR reverses and throws Jones out of the ring. FUBAR grabs a chair and starts swinging. Chairshot. Then he climbs up on the ring apron and dives with the chair onto Jones. Dr. Bill continues to urge him on. Leg drop. Jones looks sluggish and tired. FUBAR pulls him up and throws him back into the ring. FUBAR climbs the ropes and goes for the splash. Jones rolls at the last moment and FUBAR bounces off the canvas. Jones somehow maneuvers around… Suave: “KATAHAJIME! JONES LOCKS IN THE KATAHAJIME AND FUBAR TAPS OUT!”
WINNER AND STILL PCW TELEVISION CHAMPION: INDIANOLA JONES
Suave: “FUBAR shows some improvement despite having Dr. Bill, his so-called life coach, in his corner.” Dr. Bill consoles FUBAR after the match and tells him he did much better tonight.
BACKSTAGE WITH THE CLINTONS
Bill and Hillary inform the ‘Angry Highway Warrior’ Triple R (aka…Road Rage Randy) that the Progressive Alliance will name Barack Obama as their nominee. Triple R: “Yeah but, what about my title match next week against Starz N. Stripes?” Hillary curtly reminds Triple R he lost the qualifying match which would have given him the title shot. Triple R throws a fit and yells that the Clintons promised him the PCW Title. Bill: “Well, all I can tell you is sometimes things don’t work out quite the way you want them to.” Triple R stomps away.
BIG OIL SEGMENT
Big Oil walks out with Kirk Walstreit (American Patriots)- no Texas Tex, no wheelbarrow. He calls what happened last week outright robbery and demands justice. But, because he knows that PCW won’t do anything to get his money back and everyone is jealous of his success, he’s forced to take matters into his own hands. Big Oil: “Last week is the last time that any lesser species will ever lay their hand on me.” Out comes Rough Justice- D.B. Ruff and Conner Justice, two former police officers fired for their over the top, extreme brand of justice and Big Oil’s newly hired muscle. Big Oil then calls out American Trucker and Average Joe and demands to know what they’ve done with his money.
American Trucker and Average Joe appear via satellite from Ohio. They thank Big Oil for his ‘most gracious apology for destroying American Trucker’s semi-truck and Average Joe’s house. American Trucker: “Because of your generosity, I’ve replaced my old, worn out semi-truck with a brand new, state of the art rig.” Average Joe: “And with the proceeds you so selflessly donated, I purchased a brand new house.” Big Oil boils over and he calls out PCW CEO George W to straighten the situation out. The off-key mariachi band appears with an even worse (if that’s possible) version of Hail to the Chief and George W comes back to the ring. Big Oil demands action against American Trucker and Average Joe. The PCW CEO demurs and then, big ovation interrupts him when the new PCW Television Champion Indianola Jones walks out.
Big Oil tells Jones he can have the ‘worthless PCW TV Title’ because the belt he wants is currently held by Starz N. Stripes. Jones has a solution- next week at PCW Loose Cannons Unleashed 4, Big Oil and Walstreit vs. Average Joe and American Trucker. If Big Oil and Walstreit win, they get the American Trucker’s truck and Average Joe’s house. If they lose, the American Trucker and Average Joe get another wheelbarrow overflowing with cash from Big Oil.
Big Oil quickly accepts.
DICK CHENEY/WEST VIRGINIA SONG
Dick Cheney in the ring to apologize for saying that his family has Cheneys on both sides of his family tree dating back to the 1600’s and we don’t even live in West Virginia. Dick: “On reflection, I conclude that it was an inappropriate attempt at humor that he should not have made. I’d like to apologize to the people of West Virginia by singing a song for them…” Suave: “Oh, no. This can’t end good.”
Cheney sings (to the tune of John Denver’s ‘Country Roads’):
Black Lung disease
The state that God threw up on.
All the cars are old there
Rusting in the hills
My old lady’s pregnant
We can’t afford the pill
I wanna go home
But there’s no road
From this place
I don’t belong
Up your mama
I wanna go home
But there’s no road.
Dark and lumpy
Kills your liver
It’s not the moonshine
It’s the Shenandoah River
Everything is old-
*Def Leppard’s ‘Rock, Rock, Til You Drop blares*
The Extreme Equalizer Whiskey Tango Foxtrot runs in, grabs Dick by the throat, and chokeslams him through the ring table, much to the delight of the crowd.
PROGRESSIVE ALLIANCE ANNOUNCEMENT
Dean, Pelosi, and Reid come out to make the formal announcement along with Barack Obama and O’Beck Bahama. Dean: “It’s been a long, long road to tonight. But, we can now say that after a spirited and sometimes contentious campaign, the nominee of the Progressive Alliance to become the next PCW CEO is…Barack-” Triple R attacks and knocks Dean down. He goes right to Bahama and they begin to brawl. Pelosi and Reid try to restore order but Triple R pushes them both down. Obama even tries to stop Triple R but he gets shoved away. Bahama charges Triple R. Triple R oles Bahama and the New Rookie Sensation hits the ring post hard. He’s dazed.
Suave: “HERE COMES THE ANGRY LEFT-WING BLOGGERS!” Media Matters For America, Eric Alterman, and Daily Kos run in. Triple R DDT’s Media Matters, tosses Alterman over the top rope, and kicks Daily Kos in the groin. Piledriver to Daily Kos and then he’s tossed out of the ring. Triple R then throws Dean over the top rope. Both Pelosi and Reid wisely bail. Triple R grabs the mic and throws an in-ring temper tantrum of epic proportion. He says he’s been screwed out of the BCEW/PCW, ‘whatever the @#$# you want to call the thing’ for the final time. Triple R: “Ever since I came back, George W and everyone involved in PCW has done everything in their power to keep me from reclaiming what is rightfully mine- the PCW title. I’ve been screwed for the last time. I’ve been lied to for the last time. @#$# everyone else! I will-” Three referees hit the ring. Triple R smacks one with the mic and then quickly dispatches of the other two.
Hillary Clinton comes out and tells Triple R ‘that’s enough.’ Triple R ignores her and kicks away at both the remaining referee in the ring and then O’Beck Bahama. She signals to the back and the Clinton Political Pitbulls- James Carville and Terry McAuliffe, hit the ring. The Pitbulls hesitate and then tackle Triple R.
As the Pitbulls clean up the ring, a somber Hillary and Bill Clinton leave.
Suave announces that due to the fracas, the Kathryn Randall Collins/‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin #1 contenders match has been moved back to the Loose Cannons 4 Pay Per View. Suave: “Here’s the rest of the card for Loose Cannons Unleashed 4.”
FINAL CARD FOR LOOSE CANNONS UNLEASHED 4
-#1 Contender Match for PCW Women’s Title: Kathryn Randall Collins aka KRC (Progressive Alliance) vs. ‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin of the 3 Amigas w/Tequila Sheila and Daisy Cutter-Bomb (Independent)
-Grudge match: Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit (American Patriots) vs. American Trucker and Average Joe (Independent)
-PCW Television Title Three Way Dance: 65 year old Indianola Jones (Independent) © vs. ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido (Independent) vs. FUBAR (Independent)
-PCW Women’s Title Match: ‘Media Empress’ Opal Winfree © w/Opal’s Flock- New Age Sensitive Guy and Soccer Mom (Progressive Alliance) vs. the winner of the ‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin and Kathryn Randall Collins match
-PCW Tag Team Title Match: Jack Schett and Bull Schett © w/Horst Schett and the Extreme Schnauzer, Hans Gruber (Progressive Alliance) vs. A. Tom Bomb and Hy Drogen Bomb (American Patriots)
-PCW Title Match: The ‘Original Rookie Sensation’ Starz N. Stripes © w/John McCain (American Patriots) vs. The ‘New Rookie Sensation’ O’Beck Bahama w/Barack Obama (Progressive Alliance)
P.O. Box 25
Wauseon, Ohio 43567
Filed under: 2008 Election, 2008 Presidential Election, Barack Obama, Blogs- Pro Wrestling, democrats, Hillary Clinton, John McCain, political satire, Politics, republicans | Tagged: American Trucker, big oil, Bill Clinton, Bob Dole, Daily Kos, Dr. Phil, Eric Alterman, George Foreman, George W. Bush, Harry Reid, Howard Dean, Indiana Jones, James Carville, John Denver, Loose Cannons, Media Matters for America, Michael Pfleger, Nancy Pelosi, pizza delivery, Pro Wrestling, pro wrestling ohio, Robert Dole, Scott McClellan, Terry Funk, Terry McAuliffe, Viagra, Vince McMahon, Vince Russo, Weapons of Mass Destruction, West Virginia | 2 Comments »