CNN’s Anderson Cooper is Gay? Who Knew? PCW Extreme Political TV Report

PCW Extreme Political TV
Monday July 2nd, 2012 Edition
Host: Johnny Suave

CNN’s Anderson Cooper was in the ring to start this week’s show and he made a big announcement:

Cooper: I’m gay.


*crickets chirping*

Suave: This is news?  And furthermore, is it really any of our business?  Besides, what’s next, is Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes‘s marriage going down the tube?

Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes divorce fuels speculation about Scientology- Washington Post

Suave: Oh…

PBR appeared on the ramp with Chief.

PBR: Oh yeah?  I like beer.

PBR- he likes beer.

Suave: Okay, that’s not really news either…

Out walks Halitosis- the Luchador with the Insanely Foul Smelling Breath

Haltosis: I have really bad breath.

Haltosis- he really, really has bad breath…really.

Suave: Okay.  That’s not news, either.

PCW Super Court Chief Justice John Roberts strolls out.

Roberts: You want to know what’s not news?  Political parties who expect the judiciary to overturn laws they don’t like because they didn’t win in the legislative branch.  Elections have political consequences. 

Suave: Yes, that’s not really news but a statement of fact. 

Out walks Peta from PETA of the…

 

Peta: I object to the fact that there’s meat from murdered animals being served here tonight.  I object that some of the wrestlers are wearing garments from the fur of murdered animals here tonight.  And I object to the sexist behavior by those who keep rerunning Pippa Middleton dancing at a PCW show!

Suave: Again, no news here.  But can we at least show Pippa dancing in her bra again?


Pippa Middleton dances in her bra for the PCW crowd.

Suave: Thank you.

Recap: Big PCW Super Court Decision on PCW CEO Barack Obama’s Healthcare Plan for PCW
PCW Super Court’s Decision on PCW CEO Barack Obama’s Healthcare Plan. Brad Company walks out and then the 9 members of the Super Court follow in suit led by Chief Justice John Roberts.

The Super Court renders the verdict. Roberts calls off each Justice by name and asks them ‘yea’ or ‘nay’ on PCW CEO Obama’s healthcare plan. Ginsberg: ‘Yea.’ Breyer: ‘Yea.’ Sotomayer: ‘Yea.’ Kagen: ‘Yea.’ Kennedy: “No.’

The Democrats in the crowd groan.

Roberts continues. Thomas: ‘No.’ Alito: ‘No.’ Scalia: ‘No @#@#0-ing way.’ Roberts reminds Scalia that yea or nay is suffice. Scalia: ‘No.’

It comes down to Roberts. ‘N-n-n-n-…’ Immediately, CNN’s reporter takes off to file his report. ‘…yea!’

Suave then recapped the Brad Company/Henry Waxman (D-CA) incident in Grand Rapids, MI over the weekend.   

Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and Henry Waxman (D-CA) were in the ring cutting a promo on health care. Pelosi called the PCW Super Court’s affirmation of Obama’s Healthcare plan a ‘victory for everyone in PCW.’ “It’s a ta—; it’s a penalty for free riders,” Pelosi said. Waxman then said that it was ridiculous to attack the Obama plan as a ‘tax increase.’

This brought out an enraged Brad Company, the independent PCW worker who took Obama’s Healthcare plan to the Super Court in the first place. Company, steel folding chair in hand, blasted Waxman with the chair causing Pelosi to scurry from the ring to safety. Then Company nailed Waxman a second time with the chair as PCW Security flooded the ring. Company took out several security personnel before finally being subdued.

Two men come out and unroll a white carpet to the ring steps. Dancers then dance. Ballet dancers…ballet? Little children walk up the white carpet and drop rose petals. Someone lets loose some pigeons…not sure just how they’ll get out of the building. The crowd stands as PCW CEO Barack Obama (D-IL) appears. Behind Obama walks Joe Biden (D-DE).

Obama says he wants to address the whole Brad Company thing. He says that the PCW Super Court ruled in his favor.  It’s time to move on.  If people like Brad Company can’t get with the program, Obama says he’ll be forced to do what he’s had to do with Arizona and it’s rogue Sheriff Joe Arpaio- sic Eric Holder and PCW Department of Justice on him. 

Obama gives Company until the end of the show to publicly apologize to Waxman or else he’ll be left with no other choice but to unleash the DoJ.


Pitball

Match #1- Daniel-San (D) def. Pitball w/J-Ho 
The independent rapper Pitball made his PCW debut this past Saturday and lost to former PCW Champion Daniel-San in an entertaining match.

After the match, Pitball tried to get his valet, J-Ho, to dance in the ring as he dropped some rhymes but she declined and went to the locker room with Daniel-San. 

The Democrats celebrate the upholding on Obamacare backstage with former PCW Competition Committee Chief Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and current PCW Executive Committee Chief Harry Reid (D-NV) toasting the outcome. 

Pelosi: I wonder what Mitt Romney (R-MA) is going to say about this?

Cut to: lake. Mitt speeds by on a pair of waterskis.

Romney: I’ll have plenty to say about this once I’m done skiing.

MATCH #2- Kirk Walstreit (R) def. Franklin D. Roosevelt- Covert Ninja Mercenary
Walstreit overcomes a tough challenge from FDR with the Stock Market Plunge to get the pin.  It was even more impressive since Walstreit had to lift FDR and his steel leg braces into the air to hit his finsher. 

PCW Blue Brand Champion ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (D) Promo
Chism cut a promo on the PCW Red Brand Champion, and obvious obstruction in his path towards a PCW Title match with The Sanderman (D), ‘The Japanese SuperDestroyer’ Yamamoto Tanaka (R).

Chism calls Tanaka an ‘interloper’ and awards Mitt Romney an ‘Oscar in Outsourcing’ for subbing out to Japan the Red Brand’s top title.  Chism says he has it from high authority that Tanaka isn’t getting another PCW title shot until he faces him first. 

 Jill Berg (R) Viginette
*’Queen of My Doublewide Trailer’ by Sammy Kershaw plays*
Well I met her out at Murphy’s restaurant
She said she was fresh from the farm
And I remember thinkin’ for a country girl
That she went pretty well armed
We sat there talkin’ by the lobster tank
I ordered her a slow gin fizz
And when them chicken fried steaks arrived
She said I like living like this

Zenk stands in the middle of the ring. Zenk: “Our next match is  a one fall, thirty-minute time limit. Already in the ring at this time, from Sullivan, Oregon, accompanied by Trailer Park Barbi and Shane and Jeff- the White Trash Posse, ‘TRAILER PARK SKATER GIRL’ TANYA HARDY!”

So I made her the queen of my double wide trailer
With the polyester curtains and the redwood deck
Times she’s run off and I’ve got to trail her
Dang her black heart and her pretty red neck

Everyone points at Trailer Park Barbi. Crowd: “She’s a crack whore (clap clap clap-clap-clap) She’s a crack whore (clap clap clap-clap-clap) “ Barbi turns around and starts flipping everyone off. Judith: “That’s a horrible thing to say. Is this the way the crowd always acts?” Suave: “Actually…” Tessa: “…yes.” Judith: “Terrible. Terrible indeed.”

Zenk: “And her opponent tonight…”

THUMP

THUMP

THUMP-THUMP-THUMP

THUMP

THUMP

THUMP-THUMP-THUMP

The video screen goes to just outside a dressing room in the back. A police escort is waiting at the door. One of the policemen knocks on the door.

Policeman: “Ms. Berg. It’s time.”

Zenk: “She is unbeaten, winning all thirty-six of her matches to date. From the financial district of New York City- JILL BERG!”

Suave: “This ought to be interesting.”

The door opens and four large male bodybuilding types walk out of the dressing room surrounding a petite woman and her male assistant in the middle. The woman is busy talking on her cell phone while the man furiously scribbles down notes as the group makes their way towards the ring.

THUMP

THUMP

THUMP-THUMP-THUMP

The procession emerges from the back and starts their way down the ramp.

The male assistant has a microphone and a portable tape recorder. He flips it on.

“JILLLLL-BERG…JILLLLL-BERG…”

The group then continues towards the ring leaving the police escort behind.

“JILLLLL-BERG…JILLLLL-BERG…”

The four bodyguards assist Ms. Berg into the ring. She and her assistant immediately go to a corner.

“JILLLLL-BERG…JILLLLL-BERG…”

Berg continues to talk on her cell phone while protected by two of the bodybuilders.

“JILLLLL-BERG…JILLLLL-BERG…”

The second Berg gets into the ring, her four bodyguards immediately attack Hardy. Berg stays in her corner and talks on her cell phone. Suave: “Here we go. Berg’s bodyguards jump Hardy.” Tessa: ”That’s their M.O.” The White Trash Posse immediately wade in and get their clocks cleaned by the bodyguards. Trailer Park Barbi wanders over to where Berg and her assistant are. She pushes Berg back into the corner turnbuckle. Berg: “Hold on.” She hands the phone to her assistant. Berg chops Barbi with a knife edge chop to the back of her head. Berg: “Don’t ever lay a hand on me again.” Barbi’s unconscious on the mat. Berg takes the phone back and continues her conversation. Judith: “Did you see that?” Tessa: “Um…yeah? She must have a lot of karate experience.”

Two bodyguards hold Trailer Park Skater Girl Tanya Hardy up. Jill sees it and nods. She hands the phone to her assistant and immediately launches herself towards her. Jill ducks her head and spears Hardy, sending her back into the corner turnbuckle.

Hardy tips forward. Berg lets her fall over her shoulder and then she walks out a couple steps. In one fluid motion, Berg steps forward and jackhammer slams her to the mat. She covers. The referee counts…1…2…3.

THUMP

THUMP

THUMP-THUMP-THUMP

THUMP

THUMP

THUMP-THUMP-THUMP

At the end, Berg comes on and points to the camera. “Who’s next?”

MATCH #3 Loser Leaves PCW Match: Code Pink (D) vs. Kathryn Randall Collins (D)
It’s a battle between the more hardcore element of the Democratic faction in Code Pink versus the more pragmatic/moderate version embodied by KRC.

…Code Pink went for a Glitter Bomb, but KRC ducked and nearly got a nearfall with a small package.  KRC slapped on the PPD- Personal Political Destruction, but Emily S. List interfered and broke the hold.  Code Pink went for a moonsault, but KRC rolled out of the way. List blasted KRC with a steel chair and Code Pink hit a Glitter Bomb on her to get the win and ended the PCW career of four time  Women’s Champion Kathryn Randall Collins.

Then the end…

Brad Company came to the ring and defiantly told everyone that he was NOT going to apologize for what he did to Henry Waxman (D-CA) until the people of PCW get an apology for the following:
-the continuing economic distress of ordinary, average PCW workers
-the fact that Democrats and Republicans will fight to the death for their special interest groups at the expense of ordinary, average PCW workers.
-the lack of new jobs and the continued suppression of wages
-the incredibly irresponsible neglect of the national debt and deficit spending

Company doesn’t get another word out before Eric Holder and the Department of Justice race to the ring all fast and furious and quickly beat him down.  The DoJ do a number on Company but then the crowd roars. 

Down the aisle runs Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio (R) and Arizona’s Rough Justice (D.B. Ruff and Connor Justice- two former police officers fired because of their extreme brand of justice) and an all out brawl ensues with the DoJ to end the show.

The Reason Why There Was No Bill Clinton’s Hot Tub Last Night

BILL CLINTON’S HOT TUB
Clinton and PCW Champion ‘Hollywood A-Lister’ Stone Chism relax inside the hot tub.  Chism’s challenger this Sunday night at PCW-MVW Lock and Load 4, Starz N. Stripes, stands outside the hot tub, fully clothed.  Clinton: “Aw, come on.  Why won’t you get into the hot tub?”  Starz: “No.  I’m not playing the little game here tonight.   I’m not getting in the tub with two grown naked men.  I’m not going to lay down for you, Stone Chism, Sunday night.  I’m not playing the game.”  Chism: “I’m disappointed, Starz.  I thought you were a team player.”  Starz: “I am a team player, Stone.  But I have more respect for the PCW title than you do.  I will not dishonor the title belt by deliberately throwing a match just to satisfy your overly inflated ego.”  Clinton: “Now boys, let’s not let this get out of hand.”  Chism: “Overly inflated ego?  You’re just jealous that you couldn’t get Tom Cruise or Demi Moore to do a video for you.”   Starz: “Right.  Forget it.  I’m not doing this.”  Starz walks away. 

Chism: “He’s going to be a problem.”  Clinton: “Well, you need to touch base with Rahm Emanuel.  He’ll make sure everything goes the way it’s supposed to Sunday night.”  Clinton leans back and closes his eyes.  Clinton: “Well.  So much for having a show tonight.”  Female voice: “Why don’t you let me guest on your show.”  An older red-headed woman in a white terry cloth robe walks over to the hot tub.  Clinton: “Maureen Dowd?  What the hell are you doing here?”  Dowd: “I thought I’d join your little show.  I mean, you did have Sarah Palin on last week.”  Clinton: “Yeah, but…”  Dowd whips off her robe.  Clinton covers his eyes.  Clinton: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”  Chism: “AAARGGHHHHHHHHH!”

Loose Cannons Unleashed 2- March 2006

-Billy Packer and Jim Nantz rip on NCAA Basketball Selection Committee
MATCH 1: MISSOURI STATE AND HOFSTRA STUDENTS VS. CBS COLLEGE BASKETBALL PERSONALITIES JIM NANTZ AND BILLY PACKER
-JUSTIN INSUFFERABLE PROMO
-MATCH #2- BCEW EXTREME PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL TESSA MARTIN VS. SKIP FROM THE ALPHA SIGMA SIGMA FRATERNITY
-
Matt Stone and Trey Parker piss off Tom Cruise
-George W’s State of BCEW Address
-Match #3- “The Domestic Diva” Martha Stewart vs. “Billionaire Don” Trump
-Match #4- BCEW Tag Team Champions The Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don- The Flyin’ Martini Brothers vs. The Green World Order (Peacenik #1 and #2)
-Match #5- “The Rookie Sensation” Starz N. Stripes vs. Th’ Swamp Pirate
-
Meeting in George W’s Office with ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann
-Match #6 BCEW Women’s Champion Candiloosa Rice vs. Dr. Annabel “Annabel the Cannibal’ Lecktor with FBI Special Agent Charlize Starling
-
God Squad Segment
-Dixie Chucks Segment
-Match #7- #1 Contender Match- Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance vs. A. Tom Bomb of the American Patriots.

Hey y’all.  Gina Ramsey here with the March 2006: BCEW- Loose Cannons Unleashed 2.  This PPV is notable for the first appearance of The Original Rookie Sensation Starz N. Stripes, ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann and the PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin.

***
BCEW announcer Johnny Suave and his lifesize cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain are inside the ring.

Suave: “Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon. This is LOOSE CANNONS UNLEASHED TWO!

Suave pauses as the crowd reacts in its usual enthusiastic manner.

Suave: I am Johnny Suave, the voice of BCEW. Next to me is a lifesize cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. Big doings going on tonight. Our main event will be a no disqualification, falls count anywhere in the building, extreme grudge match to determine once and for all who the new #1 contender to the BCEW men’s title will be. The Progressive Alliance hopes it’s Justin Sufferable.

The crowd chants: Justin A**hole! (clap, clap clap-clap-clap)

Suave: A very popular person here in BCEW. His opponent from the American Patriots- A. Tom Bomb. The Drunken Luchador’s Don and Dave- The Flyin’ Martini Brothers put the BCEW men’s tag team titles on the line tonight against the Dixie Chucks. Candiloosa Ricearoni will defend her BCEW women’s title against a very dangerous opponent- Dr. Annabel Lecktor aka Annabel the Cannibal. We’ve got a whole lot more to get to but-

Man’s voice: Hold on! Hold on a second!

Suave: What the hell? It’s CBS College Basketball personalities Jim Nantz and Billy Packer? What are they doing here?The crowd picks up on their presence and a “THEY SCREWED HOFSTRA” chant erupts. This annoys the hell out of Billy “The ACC is God” Packer.

Packer: Just shut up. Shut up with that weak mid-major nonsense. Hofstra didn’t deserve to be in the tournament. They don’t play in an elite league like the ACC.

Crowd: BOOOOOOO!!!!!

Nantz: It’s true! I don’t know where the NCAA selection committee came up with their wacky voodoo RPI. Missouri State? 21? Hofstra? 30? There’s something wrong when deserving teams from the power conferences get screwed out of a tournament berth by some lowly mid-major team who doesn’t belong on the same court with them.

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Suave: Well, they’re certainly endearing themselves to the crowd.

Packer: (holds up sheet of paper) See! Right here it shows that the tournament record for the ACC and other power conferences is far better than the mid-majors!

Suave: (sarcastically) Yeah Billy! The power conferences also get the benefit of better seeding and the fact that they won’t go on the road and play a mid-major team at their home floor. That’s really fair!

Packer: Oh yeah? This paper proves that to give the Missouri Valley four teams in the league is a joke because they’re not close to OOFFF!

Packer gets tackled by ten college students.

Suave: HOLY CRAP! They’re wearing Missouri State sweatshirts. They’re from Missouri State! And they got screwed over by the NCAA committee.

The students swarm over Packer. He desperately tries to cover up.

Suave: Look at them! They’re just wailing on Billy Packer!

Nantz looks appalled. The crowd loves it.

Nantz: Say here! You can’t do that to Billy Packer! He’s a legend! He’s a-OOFF!

Another group of college students, this time wearing Hofstra sweatshirts, run in.

Suave: IT”S THE HOFSTRA STUDENTS!

Nantz: The what? (sees the mob coming for him) Oh sh—WHHAAAA…

Nantz gets steamrolled by the students.

Suave: I bet Nantz doesn’t get THAT type of treatment when he does the Masters.

Nantz: HELP!

Suave: WE’VE GOT AN IMPROMPTU MATCH! RING THE FREAKIN’ BELL!

——————————————–

MATCH #1- MISSOURI STATE AND HOFSTRA STUDENTS VS. CBS COLLEGE BASKETBALL PERSONALITIES JIM NANTZ AND BILLY PACKER
Much to Nantz’s and Packer’s chagrin, the bell rings. The students proceed to deliver a BCEW style beat down on the CBS personalities. “THEY’RE JUST WAILING ON THEM!” Suave observes. Then a can of spray paint appears in the ring. “What’s that?” Suave says, “That’s a can of spray paint! They’re not…they’re not…” The students spray paint three letters on Packer’s back. “WHAT ARE THEY SPRAY PAINTING?” Suave asks, “M…V…C? MVC! THE MISSOURI STATE STUDENTS SPRAY PAINTED ‘MVC’ ON BILLY PACKER’S BACK! THE MISSOURI VALLEY CONFERENCE!”

The students turn to Jim Nantz. Nantz begs them not to do it. Fat chance. He’s rolled over and three more letters are spray painted on his back. “C…A…A,” Suave says, “HOLY CRAP! THEY SPRAY PAINTED CAA FOR THE COLONIAL ATHLETIC ASSOCIATON ON JIM NANTZ! More chants of ‘BCEW! BCEW!’ come from the crowd. Three figures race down to the ring. “Here comes help!” Suave says, “it’s ESPN analyst Jay Bilas, ESPN analyst Digger Phelps, and Maryland head basketball coach Gary Williams to the rescue.” No. Not really. Enraged at the snide remarks Williams made about the Missouri Valley Conference, the Missouri State students immediately turn their ire to him. “Oh that’s not pretty,” Suave says as the students swarm all over Williams like killer bees on the attack. Williams joins Nantz and Packer on the deck and the spray paint can reappears again. “Oh no,” Suave says, “oh no. They’re not going to do it to Williams too?” Sure they are. “HOLY CRAP! THEY SPRAY PAINTED WICHITA STATE ON GARY WILLIAMS!” Bilas and Phelps fare no better. The Hofstra students spray paint ‘George Mason’ on Phelps back and ‘Bradley’ on Jay Bilas’.

RESULT: No Contest.

——————————————

Suave: Wow! What an incredible start to tonight’s event. It’s BCEW- Loose Cannons Unleashed II!!! Tonight, once and for all, we will find out who is the new number one contender for the BCEW World Title. Will it be Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance? Will it be A-Bomb, A. Tom Bomb from the American Patriots? That’s our main event. Also tonight a huge grudge match between the Domestic Diva Martha Stuart and her former friend now turned arch-enemy ‘Billionaire’ Bob Trump. The BCEW Tag Team title on the line tonight. The Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don- The Flyin’ Martini Brothers take on the Green World Order.

——————————————

JUSTIN INSUFFERABLE PROMO
Inside the dressing room for the Progressive Alliance, Justin Sufferable, flanked by a grinning Pith Lord Harry Reid and the Attack Poodlette Nancy Pelosi, cuts a promo.

Justin: Here we are. BCEW. Loose Cannons Unleashed II. The night that I, Justin Sufferable, will take one step closer to becoming the BCEW World Champion. With the support of the Progressive Alliance by my side, A. Tom Bomb doesn’t stand a chance. I’m just not unbearable. I’m just not intolerable. I’m not even abominable. I’m JUSTIN SUFFERABLE and tonight I’m-

A door opens and closes very loudly in the background.

Justin: What the-

Russ Feingold enters the scene.

Feingold: I…(huffing and puffing out of breath …I have a great idea!

Reid: That’s great Russ but we’re cutting a promo here-

Feingold: I’m fed up with George W’s getting away with lying about the whole Rafael Barry Giambee steroids mess. I propose we all march out to the ring right now and demand that George W be censured by BCEW. Who’s with me?
Reid: Well…(hems and haws)

Pelosi: In general I’m with you, Russ but perhaps we should focus our energy on making sure that Justin Sufferable wins his match tonight.

Feingold: (all happy and exuberant) No no. Let’s go right now!

Feingold bounces out of the room.

Reid: Well…I suppose we should go out there with him.

————————————–

Johnny Suave: Well. Here he comes. The Wisconsin Wonder Russ Feingold is coming to the ring with the rest of the Progressive Alliance.

The crowd immediately notices Justin Sufferable coming to the ring with the rest.

Crowd: (chanting) JUSTIN A-HOLE! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap) JUSTIN A-HOLE! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)

Feingold: If I can have your attention for a moment. The recent events involving the former BCEW World Champion Rafael Barry Giambee were a shameful stain on wrestling. The fact that George W. and his cronies covered up Giambee’s steroid use and broke the law. I think that George W. should be censured by BCEW. (turns to Progressive Alliance comrades) Right guys?The American Screamer Howard Dean looks the other way and whistles. The Pith Lord Harry Reid looks up in the air. Nancy Pelosi feigns talking to Justin Sufferable.

Feingold: (a little more stronger tone) Right guys?

Bill Frist-Medicine Guy’s voice: This is totally crazy.

Bill Frist- Medicine Guy appears.

Frist: This is nothing more than a crazy political move! .

Feingold: And you guys are playing the intimidation game.

Frist: Russ, everyone knows you have your sights on becoming the next BCEW CEO in 2008. You’re grandstanding.

Feingold: I am not.

Frist: You have no proof that George W. was aware that Giambee used steroids.

Feingold: He didn’t know Giambee was on steroids? Hell, everybody here KNEW he was on steroids. Anybody with the IQ of a brick knew he was on steroids, right?

Frist: (scoffing) Right.

Feingold: Let’s ask the crowd then. (faces the audience) Hey! Rafael Barry Giambee-

Crowd: (very loudly) ROIDS! ROIDS! ROIDS!

Feingold: See? What’d I tell you. This is why I believe George W. should be-

A. Tom Bomb comes out and shoves Frist out of the way.

Suave: Now A. Tom Bomb is out here. This could get incendiary real quick.

Crowd: AAYYY-BOMB! AAYYY-BOMB!

A-Bomb: Enough talk. I don’t like to talk, Justin Sufferable. But I do know that I’d like to put you through a table.

The crowd cheers as Sufferable and A-Bomb stare each other down.

A-Bomb: So let’s get it on and I’ll kick your ass

Suave: They’re supposed to wrestle later but they may go at it right now!
Sufferable and A-Bomb continue their stare down. A commotion breaks out away from the ring.

Suave: Now what?

At one of the tables, a female pizza delivery girl is nose to nose with a customer wearing a fraternity jacket with the letters A.S.S. on it.

Suave: There’s some sort of problem over there involving a pizza delivery…HOLY CRAP! He just pushed her to the ground and took the pizzas away from her!

The girl pulls herself up and kicks the man in the crotch.

Suave: Yow!

A referee mysteriously appears and calls for the bell. The bewildered contingent from the Progressive Alliance empty out of the ring while a bemused A. Tom Bomb also takes a few steps back to the dressing room.

Suave: WHAT! We’ve got another impromptu match?

—————————————

MATCH #2- BCEW EXTREME PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL TESSA MARTIN VS. SKIP FROM THE ALPHA SIGMA SIGMA FRATERNITY
The match begins out on the main floor of Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon. “Apparently, these two have had quite a long history with each other,” Suave observes. Skip manages to pull himself up to a staggering position long enough to allow Tessa to plaster him in the face with a pizza pie. Skip falls back down. Tessa then grabs Skip’s face and rubs it in the pizza. Skip manages to push Tessa down. He grabs a chair and raises it up in a threatening way. “OH NO!” Suave says, “He’s not…” *high-pitched male scream* “HOLY CRAP! TESTICULAR CLAW! TESTICULAR CLAW!” Skip turns pale as Tessa applies the testicular claw (won’t go in graphic detail here-you can figure it out) and his eyes look like they’re about to pop out. “Man, I think he’s going to pass out,” Suave says as Skip’s eyes roll back. He proceeds to faint face first into a steaming hot meat combo special pizza.

WINNER- PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL TESSA MARTIN

————————————-

Suave: All right, they’re carrying Skip from Alpha Sigma Sigma out on a stretcher. I don’t think he’ll be reproducing anytime soon.

The crowd starts to boo.

Suave: Who’s that coming out? AWWWW…not the Hollywood Megastar Tom freakin’ Cruise! What the hell does he want?

Cruise climbs into the ring and he has a microphone.

The crowd starts to chant: “FREE KA-TIE! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap) FREE KA-TIE! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)

Tom Cruise: Thank you…thank you for your concern about my fiancée. She can’t be here tonight because she’s about to give birth-

Crowd: (even louder) FREE KA-TIE! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap) FREE KA-TIE! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)

Tom Cruise: SHUT UP! I just came out here to make clear that I absolutely nothing, I repeat, NOTHING to do with the Simontology episode of that vile, little hateful show South Park being taken off Comedy Central Net last week.

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Tom Cruise: Comedy Central Net made that decision on their own. So I don’t want to hear any more about Simontology-

The crowd starts to buzz.

Suave: IT’S THE GUYS FROM SOUTH PARK! STONE AND PARKER! THEY’RE HERE!

A shocked Tom Cruise watches with his mouth wide open. Stone and Parker jump into the ring.

Suave: STONE AND PARKER HAVE A HUGE ISSUE WITH TOM CRUISE AND SIMONTOLOGY!

Tom Cruise: Brad. BRAD! GET YOUR @#$@#$# ASS UP HERE RIGHT NOW!

Suave: Brad? Brad Grey. The CEO of Paramount Pictures who also own Comedy Central Net?

A sheepish Brad Grey climbs into the ring.

Tom Cruise: Brad. Listen dammit, you need to do something about these two clowns…

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOO!

Tom Cruise: …I want them taken care of. You tell them both to get their asses of the ring and leave. I WANT THEM BACK IN THE DRESSING ROOM NOW!…..or else.

Brad: Or else what?Tom Cruise: I think you know the answer to that already Brad.

Suave: HOLY CRAP! It’s a Tom Cruise power play!

Brad: Tom?

Tom Cruise: DON’T YOU TOM ME! GET THEM THE @#$# OUT OF HERE NOW!

Brad Grey slowly turns to Stone and Parker.

Brad: Guys. I……I want you-

Tom Cruise: Wait a second…

Brad pauses.

Brad: What, Tom?

Tom Cruise: Brad, I didn’t say…Simon says.

Suave: Oh, this is ridiculous!

Tom Cruise: All right. Brad, Simon says get them out of my sight right now.

Brad: (sighs, turns to Stone and Parker) Guys. I want you to leave Tom Cruise alone.

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOO!

Stone and Parker can’t believe it.

Brad: You…you heard me. Go. Now!

Stone and Parker look at each other, shrug, and act as if they’re leaving the ring.

Suave: You’re kidding! They’re backing down? South Park is backing down?

Tom Cruise smirks and shoos Stone and Parker away.

A woman slowly walks up behind Cruise outside the ring.

Suave: WAIT A MINUTE! THAT’S BROOKE SHIELDS!

Shields quietly climbs up on the edge of the ring.

Suave: SHE’S SNEAKING UP BEHIND THE HOLLYWOOD MEGASTAR! HE DOESN’T SEE HER. HOLY CRAP!

The South Park guys Stone and Parker see Shields and stop.

Tom Cruise: What are you guys, deaf? Simon says get out of the ring.

The crowd rises in anticipation as Shields takes off one of her pumps. Cruise is still unaware that she’s behind him.

Tom Cruise: …SIMON SAYS GET YOUR @#$#@$# ASS OUT OF THE RING…NOW!

The crowd noise crescendos. Cruise looks a bit wary.

Tom Cruise: (not sure what is going on) What?

*WHAP*
Suave: HOLY CRAP! She just clocked him with her pump!

Cruise topples forward face first.

Crowd: (mockingly) SI-MON SAYS! (Clap, clap, clap-clap-clap) SI-MON SAYS! (Clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)

Suave: Here comes Stone and Parker!

Stone and Parker push Grey out of the way and lift Cruise up.

Suave: Oh no…no…they’re not going to-

Stone and Parker heave Cruise out of the ring.

Suave: HOLY CRAP!

Cruise lands on and is impaled by a piece of wood. It then catches fire incinerating Cruise and then he is torn limb from limb by a bunch of wild animals.

Suave: Oooo-kay. Didn’t expect that ending. Didn’t necessarily need to see that either. Well, as is tradition here in BCEW, all of the wrestlers come out to the ring to listen to the CEO of BCEW deliver the ‘State of BCEW’ address. This year is no exception as the locker room has surrounded the ring and…(hears music being played badly) yep I know he’s coming out now because I hear that God-awful off key mariachi band playing ‘Hail to the Chief.’

Indeed, the off key mariachi band leads a wincing George W along with his family; wife Lauren, daughters Jennie and Babs, to the ring along with W’s aide de camp Dick and The Mastermind Karl Rove. The crowd boos.

Suave: Well, can’t say the booing is unexpected. W’s poll numbers have plummeted since the whole Rafael Barry Giambee steroids fiasco.

The American Patriots give W and company a standing ovation as his procession reaches the ring. Once he climbs through the ropes, W takes the microphone.

———————–

George W’s State of BCEW Address
W first says that he appreciates the fact that there’s some people who are very unhappy over the whole former BCEW World Champion Rafael Barry Giambee steroids fiasco. “If given a do over, I’d of handled that in a more proactively active way.”- BCEW CEO George W. W explains he can’t change the past but he can learn from the ‘mistakenly unwise thingys’ done in the past. He announces that he has hired a new chief of staff- Josh, which comes as a bit of a surprise to both Dick and The Mastermind. The First order of change is that W will become more active in the match to match aspects of BCEW. W also observes that in some wrestling federations, the owner’s family also becomes involved in the action as well. W announces that his daughters Jennie and Babs will become active participants participating actively in BCEW. This is also a big surprise to Dick and The Mastermind. The leadership of the American Patriots Dr. Bill Frist- Medicine Guy and Denny “The Big Guy” Hastert also seemed confused at this new direction that W is embarking on.

W announces that the #1 contender match between Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance and A. Tom Bomb of the American Patriots will be a no DQ, falls count anywhere in the building, to determine once and for all the new #1 contender for the BCEW World Championship. With that, W exits.

———————-

Suave: Hmmm, the speech a bit lackluster. And now even the American Patriots are grumbling about the direction George W is taking. This could get interesting.

The crowd stands up as “The Domestic Diva” Martha Stewart enters the ring.

Suave: We’re ready for our next match and it’s going to be a doozy…

Match #3- “The Domestic Diva” Martha Stewart vs. “Billionaire Don” Trump
“This is a big time grudge match.” – Johnny Suave. The war of words between the two would cumulate tonight at Loose Cannons Unleashed II. Trump was led to the ring by his two lackeys George and Carolyn who immediately get into Stewart’s face. With the Domestic Diva occupied by his lackeys, Trump snuck in the ring and took a cheap shot on her. Then the bell rang. Billionaire Don immediately went to work on Stewart mixing in punches and kicks and such. Stewart was pushed back into a turnbuckle and George reached over mugged her with a choke in the corner. Trump got on the microphone and yelled instructions for George to let her go. Stewart tried to fight back but ran right into a flying elbow. Pissed off, Stewart slapped Trump across the face and then kicked the Billionaire in the crotch. Trump danced around for a bit and the Domestic Diva hit a leaping back elbow on Trump. She covered for a two count. Both traded chops with Trump eventually getting the upper hand. Billionaire Don drilled Stewart with a facebuster and tossed her to the outside. George and Carolyn toss Stewart face First into the ringpost. Then they toss her back into the ring. Trump sets her up for his finishing maneuver- “You’re Fired.” Just as he is about to slam Stewart down, she desperately reaches for and pulls off Trump’s hairpiece. “HOLY CRAP!”- Johnny Suave. Trump, horrified, pats at his shiny bald head- no hairpiece. Stewart starts twirling the toupee- which looks like an emaciated muskrat, around like an exotic dancer and gets attacked from behind by both George and Carolyn. The hairpiece flies out of Stewart’s hand. George and Carolyn do a number on the Domestic Diva as Trump feverishly crawls over and tries to put the hairpiece back in place. He partly succeeds and partly looks like the lead singer of A Flock of Seagulls. Trump then covers a spent Stewart and gets the 1-2-3.

Winner: “Billionaire Don” Trump

——————–

Johnny Suave: Blatant interference by Trump’s lackeys George and Carolyn insures Billionaire Don’s victory. I have a sneaky feeling we haven’t heard the last of this one…

A young French man is standing right in front of Johnny smoking a cigarette and not doing much of anything.

Suave: …er excuse me.

Young French: Qui?

Suave: Do you mind? I’m trying to work here.

Young French: Yes. So am I.

Suave: Oh really? Who are you?

Young French: I’m Henri. One of ze new employees.

Suave: I see. Perhaps instead of standing here blocking my sight lines to the ring, you should, oh I don’t know, go do your job?

Young French: WHAT!

Suave: Go do whatever you’re supposed to do. Do something.

Young French: Mondieur! What do you mean because I have a job I have to work?

Suave: Excuse me? Of course you actually have to work. I’m working. I’m doing my job which is call the matches. You need to go to do your job and not stand in my way.Young French: (angrily) This is not acceptable. I’m going on strike.

Young French guy stomps off and tips over a garbage can.

Suave: O-kay. That was different. The young French guy, apparently a new employee to BCEW, got mad because I told him to go do his job. Amazing. Let’s go backstage as the BCEW World Tag Team champions, the Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don- the Flyin’ Martini Brothers are engaging in their pre-match warm up with……WHAT? HOLY CRAP!

Dan and Don are having their pre-match swig of Jack Daniels with W’s daughter’s Jennie and Babs. After finishing it off, Dan takes the empty bottle and breaks it over his head. He’s ready to go. After Jennie finishes off her Jack Daniels, she takes the empty bottle and breaks it over her head. She accidently knocks herself out.

Suave: O-kay. The tag team belts are on the line tonight!

————————–

Match #4- BCEW Tag Team Champions The Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don- The Flyin’ Martini Brothers vs. The Green World Order (Peacenik #1 and #2)
Before the match begins, Peacenik #1 takes the mic and complains that the Green World Order never gets any respect. He goes on to say that BCEW glorifies violence in resolving people’s differences. “Excuse me? This is professional wrestling thank you very much.”- Johnny Suave. Peacenik #2 gets on the mic and intimates that if BCEW doesn’t take steps to protect their ‘rights’ that the GWO will be forced to take matters into their own hands.

At this point, the tag team champs stagger out to the ring and the match begins. Immediately after the bell rings, two men dressed in suits sit down with Johnny Suave at the broadcast table. “Who the hell are you?”- Johnny Suave. The duo explains they are Felcher and Felcher- attorneys at law, legal counsel for the Green World Order and members of the Progressive Alliance. They explain that they are here to insure that the GWO gets a fair shake. R. Felcher argues that a fundamental tenet of fairness is being violated. Suave asks how? “What we have here is a clear case where people who are stronger and more skilled win matches at the expense of their clients.”- R. Felcher. “It’s a wrestling match. Someone wins. Someone loses.”- Johnny Suave. The Felchers don’t see it this way. “Clearly this is blatant discrimation against the Green World Order.”- B. Felcher. “It’s a freakin’ wrestling match!” – Johnny Suave.

Peacenik #1 jumped Don Martini and got a quick two count. They did a series of spots where Peacenik #1 kept trying moves but the Martini Brothers inadvertently staggered or fell down out of the way. Peacenik #1 finally became so infuriated that he blind rushes towards Don Martini. Don again staggers out of the way and Peacenik #1 rams hard into the turnbuckle. “See? This is simply not fair. How can the GWO win the match if the Martini Brothers won’t let them execute any move?”- R. Felcher, attorney at law. “Maybe because they’re too drunk to stand still?”- Johnny Suave. Peacenik #2 jumped on Dan Martini’s back with a sleeper. But Dan loses his balance and falls forward, launching Peacenik #2 into the other turnbuckle. “This is simply not fair!” – R. Felcher. “I’m afraid we’re going to have to get involved. Our client’s rights are being violated.” – B. Felcher. “This is totally ridiculous!” – Johnny Suave.

Felcher and Felcher attempt to interject themselves into the match. R. Felcher distracts Dan Martini while B. Felcher tries to jump Don Martini. Don again trips on his own two feet and B. Felcher misses and runs into Peacenik #1 and #2. “I guess THAT’S not fair either.” – Johnny Suave. B. Felcher gets mad and actually connects- he hits Don Martini in the stomach. Don holds his stomach and begins to wretch. “Oh, oh! This isn’t going to end well.”- Johnny Suave. All of a sudden, what appears to be the sound a car skidding and crashing is heard. This gets the attorneys attention. It’s followed by people screaming and then the wail of an ambulance siren. R. Felcher hesitates. He looks at his brother B. Felcher cornered by a wretching Don Martini. Then he hears more ambulance sirens. B. Felcher tells R. Felcher not to leave him. R. Felcher hesitates and then takes off after the ambulance leaving B. Felcher in the ring all alone. Don proceeds to projectile vomit all over B. Felcher. “YEESSS!” -Johnny Suave. Then Don passes out on top of Peacenik #1. 1-2-3. Match over.

WINNER AND STILL BCEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS- THE DRUNKEN LUCHADORS DAN AND DON- THE FLYIN’ MARTINI BROTHERS

Suave: Once again, it’s the Bleech Beer Gratuitous Vomit moment of the week.

Replay of Don Martini projectile vomiting on and coating a disgustingly oozing and dripping B. Felcher- attorney at law.

Suave: Wow! Chunky! It just doesn’t get any better than that.

——————————–

American Patriots office
Denny Hastert and Dr. Bill Frist-Medicine Guy ruminate in their office.

Denny Hastert: I don’t know about you Bill. But I’m not sure the direction George W is taking us is the right one.

Dr. Frist: I agree.

Hastert: If we don’t win the #1 contender match tonight, I think we may need to rethink our strategy. We’ve lost the World Championship-

Dr. Frist: No thanks to the ‘Straight Shooter’ John McCain.

Hastert: Exactly. Who wants to be the next CEO of BCEW- just like you do.

Dr. Frist: True. And Hillary Clinton. And any number of people.

Hastert: We’re losing focus. And we’ll lose the CEO if we’re not careful.

Door opens. Enter a new wrestler. Burly. Blond haired. All-American looking.

Starz N. Stripes: I’m the new guy. They call me Starz N. Stripes.

Both Dr. Frist and Hastert look very impressed.

Starz N. Stripes: I have my First match here in a couple moments. I just want to say I’m glad to be here.

Dr. Frist: The pleasure is all ours.

Hastert: Good luck.

Starz N. Stripes departs for his match.

Dr. Frist: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Hastert: I’m thinking that if A-Bomb can’t get the job done tonight against Justin Sufferable, we’ve found our new champion.

Dr. Frist: Exactly.

———————

Johnny Suave: Well he’s here. The new Rookie Sensation Starz N. Stripes against a jobber named Th’ Swamp Pirate.

Match #5- “The Rookie Sensation” Starz N. Stripes vs. Th’ Swamp Pirate
Th’ Swamp Pirate, dressed in the requisite pirate gear complete with parrot and jewelry, pulled out a few stops to knock off the Rookie Sensation. Th’ Swamp Pirate pulled off the jewelry and tried to choke out Starz N. Stripe. Starz finally took the offensive. He hit a fall away suplex off the ropes and then went to work on Th’ Pirate in the corner. Starz grounded Th’ Swamp Pirate with knee strikes followed by a fall away belly-to-back suplex. Starz hit his finisher, the “Rockets Red Glare” and made the cover for a win.

Johnny Suave: An impressive debut for The Rookie Sensation Starz N. Stripes. Coming up, the BCEW Women’s Championship belt on the line. And the #1 contender match between A. Tom Bomb of the American Patriots and Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance. A lot on the line coming up in just a few.

Johnny Suave: And we’re back for the final part of BCEW Loose Cannons Unleashed 2. (pauses as the crowd chants “BCEW…BCEW…” We’re celebrating the one year anniversary of BCEW. And speaking of celebrations, let’s peek in on a special celebration going on in the back area of Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon.

Cut to a hall where a wedding reception is going on.

Suave: That’s right. They’re celebrating the wedding of Will Beckworth and Charlene Ann Cantrell.

Close up of the happy couple Will and Charlene Ann who wave at the camera and then cut the cake. Charlene Ann then takes a piece of the cake and smashes it Will’s face.

The crowd stands up and gives Charlene Ann a standing ovation.

Suave: Congratulations guys. Charlene Ann, of course, is our usual ring announcer and.………what? Oh. Okay ladies and gentlemen. We’re going back to George W’s office where there’s some kind of meeting going on.

Meeting in George W’s Office
BCEW CEO George W, his aide de camp Dick, The Mastermind Karl Rove, and W’s new chief aide Josh meet. W laments his low poll numbers. Dick argues that all they need to do is stay the course and they’ll ride through it. Josh stands up and introduces a special guest he has brought in specifically to deal with this issue- “Seg” McMann. “Who the hell is Seg McMann?” barks Dick, “and what the @#$# does ‘Seg’ stand for?” “Sports Entertainment Guy,” McMann responds. “If you want to connect with your target audience, then you have to realize that ‘pro wrestling’ is really nothing more than ‘soap operas for guys.’ If you want your polls numbers to go up, then you need to reconnect with your audience.” “How?” W asks. Seg tells the group that the problem with BCEW is that there is too much ‘wrestling’ and not enough ‘sports entertainment.’ W shakes his head in agreement. Dick stews. And the Mastermind Karl Rove points at his temple to remind us all once again that even though he didn’t come up with this new exciting concept of ‘sports entertainment’ that he’s still a freakin’ genius. “So what do you suggest?” asks W. Seg starts to answer but is interrupted by a knock on the door.

It is BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin delivering food for the meeting. “Hi Tessa,” the group murmers. Dick starts to collect money to pay Tessa, Seg drools while he gawks at the Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl. “Here you go Tessa,” Dick says as he pays her and she quickly exits. “Who was that?” Seg asks. Dick explains that she’s the BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl. “She’s perfect!” Seg says, “Gentlemen, I’ll be back!”

BCEW Women’s champion Candiloosa Rice then walks by on the way to the ring for her title defense. Dick stands up. “Candy, are you sure you want to go out there tonight without a little back up?” Dick adds that he would feel better if she was accompanied to the ring. Rice waves them off and says she can handle herself.

Suave: Wow! Is Rice distancing herself from Dick and The Mastermind? And just what are they worried about?

A woman appears pushing a large dolly with someone strapped tightly to it.

Suave: Oh…never mind. Here’s the reason why. FBI Special Agent Charlize Starling is bringing the wrestler known as ‘Annabel the Cannibal’ to the ring. That’s right. Dr. Annabel Lecktor. Back in BCEW for the first time since being sent to the Kitty Dukakis wing of the ultra-maximum security Hopkins Institute for Thoroughly Insane.

Lecktor is not only strapped to the dolly but also restrained with a straight jacket and she wears a modified hockey style type mask over her face.

Suave: As Dr. Lecktor is wheeled to the ring, you may note the hockey mask on her face. The BCEW competition committee decReid that because of Dr. Lecktor’s propensity for biting off large chunks of her opponent’s flesh during a match, from now on she must wear that mask during all matches or be immediately disqualified.

The BCEW Women’s Champion is next to arrive.

Match #6 BCEW Women’s Champion Candiloosa Rice vs. Dr. Annabel “Annabel the Cannibal’ Lecktor with FBI Special Agent Charlize Starling
Dr. Lecktor immediately jumps the champion to start the match. Rice tries to pull Lecktor over her own back, but the Doctor blocks her by pulling on her hair. Lecktor counters with a drop toehold and then puts on a wristlock. After the champion escapes, Lecktor climbs up to the second rope and tries to clothesline Rice. She misses and the Women’s Champion kicks her in the gut! Enraged, Dr. Lecktor throws her over the top rope, then calls in FBI Special Agent Starling for assistance. Starling whips the champion into the ring post and then delivers a bronco buster! Suave sighs and comments, “I can never get enough of that move. That was a beautiful sight.” However, Rice tosses Starling into the steps. Lecktor sneaks up behind her with a steel-folding chair and blasts her. Then she appears to try and bite her arm. “Good thing she’s wearing that mask,” Suave observes, “who knows what would-….HOLY CRAP! Lecktor’s trying to take off the mask!” The referee tries to stop her but Lecktor swats him away. “If she gets that mask off,” Suave says, “well, I don’t want to even think about it.” Starling tries to stop Lecktor who’s partially undone the mask. Immediately the referee calls for the bell and Dr. Lecktor is DQ’d. “That’s it!” Suave says, “Candiloosa Rice retains the Women’s championship but she’s totally out right now……. AND LECKTOR HAS THE HOCKEY MASK COMPLETELY OFF!”

Dick races to the ring with The Mastermind. FBI Special Agent Starling tries to stun Lecktor with a cattle prod. No go. Lecktor shakes it off and approaches Rice. Then the crowd suddenly cheers as out of nowhere comes a star spangled BCEW superstar. “HOLY CRAP! It’s the Rookie Sensation Starz N Stripes!” shouts Suave. Starz N Stripes raises his hand to attack Lecktor but then inexplicatively stops. Dick is besides himself. “WHAT THE @#$# ARE YOU WAITING FOR?” he shouts out. “Are you sure it’s okay to hit a woman?” the Rookie Sensation asks, “I’m not sure I’m comfortable with-” “JUST HIT HER ALREADY!” Dick interrupts. Starz N Stripes then charges into the Doctor and drives her into the ring post knocking her out.

Winner and still champion by DQ: Candiloosa Rice

Suave: Wow! That was a close call. Nice save by the Rookie Sensation Starz N Stripes. Coming up tonight- the match we’ve all been waiting for. The winner becomes the new #1 contender for the BCEW World Championship crown. Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance vs. A. Tom Bomb from the American Patriots.

In the back hall, ‘Seg’ McMann talks with BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin. From a neutral third party standpoint, Seg appears to be a lecherous type of guy. Apparently with little shame, McMann excitedly tells her how he can make her a big star in BCEW and goes on a spiel to convince her to sign on. Tessa seems slightly interested but appears to be anxious to get back to delivering pizzas.

Suave: God, is this creepy or what?
“Think about it,” Seg says as she runs out the door to take care of more deliveries. More drool forms on the corner of this mouth as squealing tires signal the BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl driving away.

Suave: Is it just me or does ‘Seg’ has a major crush on Tessa Martin?

Holy music blares over the loudspeakers.

Suave: And that can mean only one thing, it’s of course, the Pious Pair. The God Squad. Rev. Robertson. Rev. Falwell. God knows why they’ve come out here tonight but I’m sure we’ll all find out soon enough….God help us all.

Rev. Robertson: I heard that.

The God Squad enters the ring and Rev. Robertson takes the microphone.

God Squad Segment
Rev. Robertson speaks about a ‘coming storm’ in BCEW. “I was on a personal prayer retreat with God,” Rev Robertson says, “and if I heard him correctly, the proverbial crap is going to hit the fan.” Rev Falwell then chimes in and complains about the introduction of ‘sports entertainment’ into BCEW. Falwell says that it’s bad enough with the bad language and the skimpy wardrobe and the extreme violence. “Now adding ‘sports entertainment’ into the mix?” Falwell says, “what’s next? Bathroom humor. Picking boogers out of your nose? Bodily fluids? How low are we going to go?” Rev Robertson warns W that there will be dire consequences if ‘sports entertainment’ is adopted in BCEW. “There’s a storm coming,” Rev. Robertson reiterates, “it may be a shower or it may be a tidal wave. If George W doesn’t-” As if on cue, a sprinkler line above Rev. Robertson starts to leak and sprays water down on him. “AAAHHHHHHHH” Rev. Robertson cries out as the water interacts with the electrically charged microphone and…well…you know what happens next.

Suave: Apparently God gave Rev. Robertson the ability to leg press 4000 lbs but not to withstand the combination of water and live electricity. The God Squad, ladies and gentlemen, and you can put them squarely on the side of those who don’t like ‘sports entertainment.’ And as much as I hate to admit it, I have to say that I agree with much of what Rev. Robertson had to say on the subject. All right, let’s get back to the-

Voice: Just hold it!

Suave looks surprised.

Suave: Who are you and what do you want?

News Hounds: You can call me News Hounds. I run a blog dedicated to countering right wing bias in our media.

Suave: Okay. What the hell are you doing out here?

News Hounds: I was watching the segment with the God Squad and you helped push their extreme right-wing agenda by agreeing with what they said. We simply can’t stand for that!

Suave: On the issue of ‘sports entertainment,’ I find myself in agreement. There’s nothing wrong with that.

News Hounds: But Rev. Robertson and the religious right are trying to force their beliefs on all of us.

Suave: You may be right. But that has nothing to do with my opinion of ‘sports entertainment.’ Let’s move on-

News Hounds: BIASED! YOU’RE BIASED!

Suave: Go blow it out your ear. Let’s go to the ring.

Inside the ring stand all three members of the Dixie Chucks. The Dixie Chucks are three men who are huge fans of the music group- The Dixie Chicks. The Dixie Chicks find themselves back in the news as they are about to release a new CD called “Taking The Long Way Home.” Their first single “Not Ready to Make Nice” addressed the issues the Chicks have faced since Natalie Maines’ controversial comments about President Bush three years ago. Each Dixie Chuck pays homage to the group by each dressing up as one member of the Dixie Chicks. There’s Chuck-atalie. Chuck-mily. Chuck-artie.

Dixie Chucks Segment
Chuck-atalie tells the booing crowd to shut the hell up. He rails at their ‘ignorance’ and tries to equate everyone booing them ie…the ‘haters’… with the nutcases who have actually sent death threats to Natalie Maines, the lead singer. “Like I’ve said before,” Chuck-atalie says, “you don’t have to like what any member of the Dixie Chicks say. They still have the God-given right to speak their mind!” More boos follow. Chuck-artie grabs the mic. “It’s a @#$#ing injustice what has happened to the Dixie Chicks!” he screeches. “Go buy their new CD! It totally rocks!” Chuck-mily chimes in: “that’s right. If you don’t like the new CD, you can all just kiss our asses!”

The Dixie Chucks leave to mass boos and catcalls.

Suave: You know, I hate to admit this too but I kind of agree with them about the way the Dixie Chicks have been treated. I mean, death threats? Come on. This IS America yes-

Voice: Hold on a second there!

Suave: Now what?

News Busters: I am News Busters. I run this blog where I take on left-wing media bias on a daily basis.

Suave: And your point is? No, wait. Let me guess. Because I agreed with what the Dixie Chucks said that constitutes some kind of liberal bias on my part…right?News Busters: Well…yes! The left wing has long since used their sympathizers in the media to further their extreme liberal agenda.

Suave: But we’re not talking about the extreme left-wing agenda. We’re talking about someone receiving death threats for speaking their mind! I think that’s wrong!

News Busters: So you agree with the Dixie Chicks. SEE! I KNEW you were biased!

Suave: All right. That’s it! Both of you get the @#$# off my set now. And let’s get to the main event. The match we’ve all been waiting for.

Justin Sufferable, led by the leader of the Progressive Alliance Howard “The American Screamer” Dean, The Pith Lord, Barth Salacious, Harry Reid, and the Attack Poodle Nancy Pelosi walks to the ring. Sufferable grabs the mic.

Justin Sufferable: SHUT UP! I’m not just intolerable. I’m not just unbearable. I am, my friends, Justin Insufferable!

Suave: Yes you are…

News Hounds: Hey! That’s a biased comment against the Progressive Alliance!

Suave: The hell it is.

The off key mariachi band reappears and heads to the ring.

Suave: Now what?

George W saunters cockily down the aisle wearing his trademark smirk only occasionally wincing at the bad notes the off key mariachi band hits. W takes the mic and points at Dean.

George W.: I don’t know what y’all are thinking, but I don’t give a rats ass about my so-called poll numbers. I’m still in charge here.

The crowd boos.

George W: In order to maintain order and fairness, you three need to get your asses back to the locker room. I’M BANNING YOU FROM THE RING!

Suave: What?

News Busters: YEAH! You go W! You go! That’s fair! That’s fair!

Suave: Oh yeah? I guess that means that no one from the American Patriots can be ringside either.

News Busters: Now you’re being biased again! You’re taking the side of the-

Suave: Oh shut up.

Dean, Reid, and Pelosi hesitate.

George W: You heard me. Now get! I’m reestablishing my authority here tonight and whether y’all like it or not, and quite frankly I don’t care, I want your asses back to the locker room now.

Reluctantly, the trio starts back to the locker. They pass A. Tom Bomb aka A-Bomb and he arrives with his valet, the lovely and well-endowed Daisy Cutter-Bomb, and his brothers H-Bomb and N-Bomb. There is an awkward moment and momentary staredown before Dean, Reid, and Pelosi continue on.

Suave: Well, the American Screamer Howard Dean, Pith Lord Harry Reid, and the Attack Poodle Nancy Pelosi have been banished from ringside.

The Bomb Brothers led by Daisy Cutter-Bomb approach the ring. W suddenly motions for Daisy, N-Bomb, and H-Bomb to leave the ringside area.

Suave: BCEW CEO George W has just ejected them too!

News Busters: WHAT?

Suave: I totally agree! If the Progressive Alliance can’t have anybody there then neither should the American Patriots!

News Busters: B-but…but…that’s not fair!

Suave: Bull@#$#. It’s the right thing to do!

News Hounds: I object to the term ‘right.’ It alludes that conservatism and the American Patriots are-

Suave: THAT’S IT! I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU TWO!

Suave gets up and grabs the hair of both News Hounds and News Busters. Then he conks them together. Both News Hounds and News Busters fall off their chairs and to the floor.

Suave: There. Much better. Let’s get to the match.

Match #7- #1 Contender Match- Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance vs. A. Tom Bomb of the American Patriots.
W gets on the mic again and tells both men that he wants them to put on a ‘helluva show’ for the BCEW fans and exhorts them to take the match ‘all over the building.’ The bell rings and the match finally begins.

Sufferable and A-Bomb began. A-Bomb immediately lifted up Justin and threw him to the floor. A-Bomb leaped over the ropes and connected on a cross-body block. He then hit Sufferable with a steel folding chair, then threw him into the ring steps. A-Bomb picked up a small trash can next to the ring announcer and whacked Sufferable with it. Then he sidekicked the trash can into Justin’s face. “So far, Justin Sufferable is taking a whole lot of punishment,” Suave says, “with no help from the Progressive Alliance, how long can he withstand A-Bomb’s onslaught?”

Sufferable desperately grabs the trash can and throws it at A-Bomb. Then he grabbed the microphone laying on the announcer’s table and swung it wildly at A-Bomb and rammed it on the side of his skull. Sufferable reaches under the ring and pulls out a ladder. He jams it into A-Bomb’s head. Justin went for a chair, climbed the ladder, and the crashed the chair on A-Bomb. He went to hit him again with the chair but A-Bomb somehow side-steps him and then he gets arm dragged into the ladder. The crowd cheered when A-Bomb then wore a ladder like a propeller and swung it around, smacking Sufferable several times. A-Bomb then climbed the ladder but Sufferable knocked it over sending A-Bomb through the announcers table. “HOLY CRAP!” Johnny Suave shouts. He barely got out of the way of A-Bomb before the table disintegrated. Sufferable lifted A-Bomb up and then walked him over to the edge of the stage. “Oh no…” Suave says, “He’s not going to do what I think he’s going to do!” A-Bomb hits Sufferable with a low blow. Then he lifts Sufferable up and power A-Bombs him off the stage through a front row table. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave shouts again, “He’s dead! He’s freaking dead!” The Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon crowd chanted, “This match rocks! This match rocks!” A-Bomb again lifts a woozy Sufferable back up and drags him down the aisle towards the back. “Where the hell is he going?” Suave asks. We find out soon enough. A-Bomb drags Sufferable through the main room of Hack’s to a back hallway. He stops at a door, opens it up, and then heaves Sufferable into a dark room. “What is he up to?” Suave inquires. Again, we find out quickly. The lights turn on and Justin Sufferable gets a very unpleasant surprise. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave yells, “it’s every member of the American Patriots! It’s a trap! It’s a freakin’ TRAP!”

H-Bomb, N-Bomb, Daisy Cutter-Bomb, Mr. Old School Don Rumsfeld, The Rookie Sensation Starz N Stripes, The Mastermind Karl Rove, George W’s aide de camp Dick, and the BCEW CEO himself, George W surround Justin. The Mastermind points to his temple to remind everyone that he’s a freakin’ genius. George W has his trademark Texas smirk. Dick says his trademark catch phrase: “F@#$ you Justin!” Then Dick directs the American Patriots the beat the holy hell out of him. Hy Drogen Bomb aka H-Bomb wraps his arm in barbed wire and then punches Sufferable. He immediately came up bleeding. H-Bomb rubbed the barbed wire into Justin’s forehead. Mr. Old School Don Rumsfeld pulled out a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire and handed it to Daisy Cutter-Bomb. Daisy legdropped the barbed wire baseball bat across Sufferable’s crotch. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave said yet again, “I don’t even want to try to describe that…” Off to the side, it appears the Rookie Sensation Starz N Stripes is having reservations about joining in the mugging. “I don’t know if this is right,” Starz says, “seven against one doesn’t seem very fair.” Dick growls and pushes Starz N Stripes into Sufferable. Rowe then pulls out an old sweaty sweat sock and sticks it in Justin’s mouth. “Oh, that’s gross!” Suave comments, “who knows where that sock’s been.” H-Bomb spears Sufferable. H-Bomb then grabbed Justin in the corner and bent him over while Newt-Tron Bomb aka N-Bomb stood with his butt in Sufferable’s face. “OH NO!” Suave says, “they’re going for the ‘Silent But Deadly!’” Suddenly the lights in the room go out. “WHAT THE-” is all Suave can say before the light comes quickly back on and the opening bars to the Fleetwood Mac classic “Don’t Stop (Thinking About Tomorrow)” start to play. A man in a flannel shirt wielding a Singapore cane and a mocha stands in the room.

“IT’S HIM!” cries out Suave, “IT’S THE TREE HUGGIN’, MOCHA CHUGGIN’, TOBACCO COMPANY BUGGIN’, INSANE EXTREME SINGAPORE CANE SWINGING ALPHA MALE! THE EXTREME ENVIROMENTAL HARDCORE ICON- AL GORE!” As the crowd in the main room sings “Don’t stop, thinking about tomorrow,” Gore holds up his mocha, inside an environmentally friendly biodegradable container of course, and chugs it down. Then he spews it out of his mouth into the shocked faces of both The Mastermind and Dick and then crushes the paper container on his forehead in a manly fashion. Al has a microphone. “You know, just like the Earth may cross the line of no return several years from now and suffer the devastating consequences of global warming, George W- you crossed the line tonight!” Gore immediately whacks Dick and the Mastermind over the head with the Singapore cane. Then he quickly takes out A-Bomb, H-Bomb, N-Bomb, Mr. Old School Don Rumsfeld, Starz N Stripes, and Daisy Cutter-Bomb- leaving just George W. The crowd outside rose to their feet as Gore appeared to measure the BCEW CEO for a Singapore cane shot. Then out of nowhere comes Bill First-Medicine Guy and he plows Gore over with a stiff forearm to the back of the head. In the meantime, lost all in the confusion was the fact that Sufferable somehow drug himself up and staggered out the door. W screams at First to get him. First rushes Sufferable who somehow ducks a clothesline. Justin whirls around with a spinning heel kick and knocks Dr. First off his feet. Sufferable picks up Gore’s Singapore cane and proceeds to whip Dr. First in the back with it. Inexplicatively, George W tries to snatch the cane away from Justin Sufferable. There is a short struggle before Sufferable pushes W away and goes back to whipping Dr. First. A. Tom Bomb still groggy from his cane shot, staggers to his feet and sees Sufferable. Enraged, A-Bomb screams out and charges at Justin, tackling and driving him through a closed door on the other side of the hallway. The door bursts open and nearly clips a few people who appear to be attending a wedding reception.

“HOLY CRAP!” Suave exclaims, “they just busted into the wedding reception for Will Beckworth and Charlene Ann Cantrell!” The guests, shocked and surprised by the intrusion, scatter as Sufferable is thrown head first into a table causing it to tip over and spill food, plates, wine glasses, you name it. Charlene Ann Cantrell aka the newly mined Mrs. Will Beckworth, looks at first horrified and then incredibly pissed off. A-Bomb continues his assault and slams Sufferable into another table knocking it and the contents over. Then A-Bomb grabs Justin by the hair, drags him over to the gift table, and slings him head first onto the table causing the gifts to spill onto the floor. A-Bomb smiles and pulls Sufferable back off the table. “Just end it already!” Suave says, “Sufferable doesn’t know what state he’s in……Hey! What’s George W doing?” W rips open one of the gifts- it’s a toaster oven. W gets his trademark smirk on and walks over to where A-Bomb is literally holding up Justin Sufferable. “No!” cries out Suave, “no, no, no!” W attempts to clobber Sufferable with the toaster oven- Sufferable somehow ducks out of the way and W’s piefaces A. Tom Bomb instead. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave says as a stunned W watches A-Bomb falls stiffly backwards to the floor, “W MISSED! HE HIT A-BOMB INSTEAD!” Getting his fourth wind, Sufferable pulls A-Bomb up and climbs on the gift table. He gets A-Bomb into the air and then powerbombs him through the gift table sending gifts, decorations flying all over. “HOLY, HOLY CRAP!” Suave shouts at the move, “THAT’S IT! SUFFERABLE COVER…1…2…3! JUSTIN SUFFERABLE IS NOW THE NUMBER ONE CONTENDER FOR THE BCEW WORLD TITLE!” The crowd in the main room go nuts. W just stands there with his mouth wide open. “W CAN’T BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED! HE JUST SCREWED A. TOM BOMB OUT OF THE NUMBER ONE CONTENDER’S SPOT!” Suddenly, a very unhappy young bride leaps on W’s back and starts to choke him. “THAT’S CHARLENE ANN CANTRELL! SHE’S CHOKING OUT THE CEO OF BCEW! SHE’S PISSED!” W spins around wildly as Charlene Ann’s grip on his throat tightens. “THIS HAS BEEN A GREAT NIGHT. JUSTIN SUFFERABLE WILL MEET THE BCEW WORLD CHAMPION “NO FRILLS” CHRIS ESCONDIDO FOR THE TITLE IN SEPTEMBER AT “BCEW LOOSE CANNONS- LOCK AND LOAD! SEE YOU THEN!”

PCW Rewind From Year One: Loose Cannons Unleashed 2 from March, 2006

The final PPV from the first season of PCW- back when it was BCEW (Buckland County Extreme Wrestling). From March 2006: BCEW- Loose Cannons Unleashed 2. Also, notable is the first appearance of The Original Rookie Sensation Starz N. Stripes and the PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin.
***
BCEW announcer Johnny Suave and his lifesize cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain are inside the ring.

Suave: “Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon. This is LOOSE CANNONS UNLEASHED TWO!

Suave pauses as the crowd reacts in its usual enthusiastic manner.

Suave: I am Johnny Suave, the voice of BCEW. Next to me is a lifesize cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. Big doings going on tonight. Our main event will be a no disqualification, falls count anywhere in the building, extreme grudge match to determine once and for all who the new #1 contender to the BCEW men’s title will be. The Progressive Alliance hopes it’s Justin Sufferable.

The crowd chants: Justin A**hole! (clap, clap clap-clap-clap)

Suave: A very popular person here in BCEW. His opponent from the American Patriots- A. Tom Bomb. The Drunken Luchador’s Don and Dave- The Flyin’ Martini Brothers put the BCEW men’s tag team titles on the line tonight against the Dixie Chucks. Candiloosa Ricearoni will defend her BCEW women’s title against a very dangerous opponent- Dr. Annabel Lecktor aka Annabel the Cannibal. We’ve got a whole lot more to get to but-

Man’s voice: Hold on! Hold on a second!

Suave: What the hell? It’s CBS College Basketball personalities Jim Nantz and Billy Packer? What are they doing here?The crowd picks up on their presence and a “THEY SCREWED HOFSTRA” chant erupts. This annoys the hell out of Billy “The ACC is God” Packer.

Packer: Just shut up. Shut up with that weak mid-major nonsense. Hofstra didn’t deserve to be in the tournament. They don’t play in an elite league like the ACC.

Crowd: BOOOOOOO!!!!!

Nantz: It’s true! I don’t know where the NCAA selection committee came up with their wacky voodoo RPI. Missouri State? 21? Hofstra? 30? There’s something wrong when deserving teams from the power conferences get screwed out of a tournament berth by some lowly mid-major team who doesn’t belong on the same court with them.

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Suave: Well, they’re certainly endearing themselves to the crowd.

Packer: (holds up sheet of paper) See! Right here it shows that the tournament record for the ACC and other power conferences is far better than the mid-majors!

Suave: (sarcastically) Yeah Billy! The power conferences also get the benefit of better seeding and the fact that they won’t go on the road and play a mid-major team at their home floor. That’s really fair!

Packer: Oh yeah? This paper proves that to give the Missouri Valley four teams in the league is a joke because they’re not close to OOFFF!

Packer gets tackled by ten college students.

Suave: HOLY CRAP! They’re wearing Missouri State sweatshirts. They’re from Missouri State! And they got screwed over by the NCAA committee.

The students swarm over Packer. He desperately tries to cover up.

Suave: Look at them! They’re just wailing on Billy Packer!

Nantz looks appalled. The crowd loves it.

Nantz: Say here! You can’t do that to Billy Packer! He’s a legend! He’s a-OOFF!

Another group of college students, this time wearing Hofstra sweatshirts, run in.

Suave: IT”S THE HOFSTRA STUDENTS!

Nantz: The what? (sees the mob coming for him) Oh sh—WHHAAAA…

Nantz gets steamrolled by the students.

Suave: I bet Nantz doesn’t get THAT type of treatment when he does the Masters.

Nantz: HELP!

Suave: WE’VE GOT AN IMPROMPTU MATCH! RING THE FREAKIN’ BELL!

——————————————–

MATCH #1- MISSOURI STATE AND HOFSTRA STUDENTS VS. CBS COLLEGE BASKETBALL PERSONALITIES JIM NANTZ AND BILLY PACKER
Much to Nantz’s and Packer’s chagrin, the bell rings. The students proceed to deliver a BCEW style beat down on the CBS personalities. “THEY’RE JUST WAILING ON THEM!” Suave observes. Then a can of spray paint appears in the ring. “What’s that?” Suave says, “That’s a can of spray paint! They’re not…they’re not…” The students spray paint three letters on Packer’s back. “WHAT ARE THEY SPRAY PAINTING?” Suave asks, “M…V…C? MVC! THE MISSOURI STATE STUDENTS SPRAY PAINTED ‘MVC’ ON BILLY PACKER’S BACK! THE MISSOURI VALLEY CONFERENCE!”

The students turn to Jim Nantz. Nantz begs them not to do it. Fat chance. He’s rolled over and three more letters are spray painted on his back. “C…A…A,” Suave says, “HOLY CRAP! THEY SPRAY PAINTED CAA FOR THE COLONIAL ATHLETIC ASSOCIATON ON JIM NANTZ! More chants of ‘BCEW! BCEW!’ come from the crowd. Three figures race down to the ring. “Here comes help!” Suave says, “it’s ESPN analyst Jay Bilas, ESPN analyst Digger Phelps, and Maryland head basketball coach Gary Williams to the rescue.” No. Not really. Enraged at the snide remarks Williams made about the Missouri Valley Conference, the Missouri State students immediately turn their ire to him. “Oh that’s not pretty,” Suave says as the students swarm all over Williams like killer bees on the attack. Williams joins Nantz and Packer on the deck and the spray paint can reappears again. “Oh no,” Suave says, “oh no. They’re not going to do it to Williams too?” Sure they are. “HOLY CRAP! THEY SPRAY PAINTED WICHITA STATE ON GARY WILLIAMS!” Bilas and Phelps fare no better. The Hofstra students spray paint ‘George Mason’ on Phelps back and ‘Bradley’ on Jay Bilas’.

RESULT: No Contest.

——————————————

Suave: Wow! What an incredible start to tonight’s event. It’s BCEW- Loose Cannons Unleashed II!!! Tonight, once and for all, we will find out who is the new number one contender for the BCEW World Title. Will it be Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance? Will it be A-Bomb, A. Tom Bomb from the American Patriots? That’s our main event. Also tonight a huge grudge match between the Domestic Diva Martha Stewart and her former friend now turned arch-enemy ‘Billionaire’ Don Trump. The BCEW Tag Team title on the line tonight. The Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don- The Flyin’ Martini Brothers take on the Green World Order.

——————————————

JUSTIN INSUFFERABLE PROMO
Inside the dressing room for the Progressive Alliance, Justin Sufferable, flanked by a grinning Pith Lord Harry Reid and the Attack Poodlette Nancy Pelosi, cuts a promo.

Justin: Here we are. BCEW. Loose Cannons Unleashed II. The night that I, Justin Sufferable, will take one step closer to becoming the BCEW World Champion. With the support of the Progressive Alliance by my side, A. Tom Bomb doesn’t stand a chance. I’m just not unbearable. I’m just not intolerable. I’m not even abominable. I’m JUSTIN SUFFERABLE and tonight I’m-

A door opens and closes very loudly in the background.

Justin: What the-

Russ Feingold enters the scene.

Feingold: I…(huffing and puffing out of breath …I have a great idea!

Reid: That’s great Russ but we’re cutting a promo here-

Feingold: I’m fed up with George W’s getting away with lying about the whole Rafael Barry Giambee steroids mess. I propose we all march out to the ring right now and demand that George W be censured by BCEW. Who’s with me?
Reid: Well…(hems and haws)

Pelosi: In general I’m with you, Russ but perhaps we should focus our energy on making sure that Justin Sufferable wins his match tonight.

Feingold: (all happy and exuberant) No no. Let’s go right now!

Feingold bounces out of the room.

Reid: Well…I suppose we should go out there with him.

————————————–

Johnny Suave: Well. Here he comes. The Wisconsin Wonder Russ Feingold is coming to the ring with the rest of the Progressive Alliance.

The crowd immediately notices Justin Sufferable coming to the ring with the rest.

Crowd: (chanting) JUSTIN A-HOLE! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap) JUSTIN A-HOLE! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)

Feingold: If I can have your attention for a moment. The recent events involving the former BCEW World Champion Rafael Barry Giambee were a shameful stain on wrestling. The fact that George W. and his cronies covered up Giambee’s steroid use and broke the law. I think that George W. should be censured by BCEW. (turns to Progressive Alliance comrades) Right guys?The American Screamer Howard Dean looks the other way and whistles. The Pith Lord Harry Reid looks up in the air. Nancy Pelosi feigns talking to Justin Sufferable.

Feingold: (a little more stronger tone) Right guys?

Bill Frist-Medicine Guy’s voice: This is totally crazy.

Bill Frist- Medicine Guy appears.

Frist: This is nothing more than a crazy political move! .

Feingold: And you guys are playing the intimidation game.

Frist: Russ, everyone knows you have your sights on becoming the next BCEW CEO in 2008. You’re grandstanding.

Feingold: I am not.

Frist: You have no proof that George W. was aware that Giambee used steroids.

Feingold: He didn’t know Giambee was on steroids? Hell, everybody here KNEW he was on steroids. Anybody with the IQ of a brick knew he was on steroids, right?

Frist: (scoffing) Right.

Feingold: Let’s ask the crowd then. (faces the audience) Hey! Rafael Barry Giambee-

Crowd: (very loudly) ROIDS! ROIDS! ROIDS!

Feingold: See? What’d I tell you. This is why I believe George W. should be-

A. Tom Bomb comes out and shoves Frist out of the way.

Suave: Now A. Tom Bomb is out here. This could get incendiary real quick.

Crowd: AAYYY-BOMB! AAYYY-BOMB!

A-Bomb: Enough talk. I don’t like to talk, Justin Sufferable. But I do know that I’d like to put you through a table.

The crowd cheers as Sufferable and A-Bomb stare each other down.

A-Bomb: So let’s get it on and I’ll kick your ass

Suave: They’re supposed to wrestle later but they may go at it right now!
Sufferable and A-Bomb continue their stare down. A commotion breaks out away from the ring.

Suave: Now what?

At one of the tables, a female pizza delivery girl is nose to nose with a customer wearing a fraternity jacket with the letters A.S.S. on it.

Suave: There’s some sort of problem over there involving a pizza delivery…HOLY CRAP! He just pushed her to the ground and took the pizzas away from her!

The girl pulls herself up and kicks the man in the crotch.

Suave: Yow!

A referee mysteriously appears and calls for the bell. The bewildered contingent from the Progressive Alliance empty out of the ring while a bemused A. Tom Bomb also takes a few steps back to the dressing room.

Suave: WHAT! We’ve got another impromptu match?

—————————————

MATCH #2- BCEW EXTREME PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL TESSA MARTIN VS. SKIP FROM THE ALPHA SIGMA SIGMA FRATERNITY
The match begins out on the main floor of Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon. “Apparently, these two have had quite a long history with each other,” Suave observes. Skip manages to pull himself up to a staggering position long enough to allow Tessa to plaster him in the face with a pizza pie. Skip falls back down. Tessa then grabs Skip’s face and rubs it in the pizza. Skip manages to push Tessa down. He grabs a chair and raises it up in a threatening way. “OH NO!” Suave says, “He’s not…” *high-pitched male scream* “HOLY CRAP! TESTICULAR CLAW! TESTICULAR CLAW!” Skip turns pale as Tessa applies the testicular claw (won’t go in graphic detail here-you can figure it out) and his eyes look like they’re about to pop out. “Man, I think he’s going to pass out,” Suave says as Skip’s eyes roll back. He proceeds to faint face first into a steaming hot meat combo special pizza.

WINNER- PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL TESSA MARTIN

————————————-

Suave: All right, they’re carrying Skip from Alpha Sigma Sigma out on a stretcher. I don’t think he’ll be reproducing anytime soon.

The crowd starts to boo.

Suave: Who’s that coming out? AWWWW…not the Hollywood Megastar Tom freakin’ Cruise! What the hell does he want?

Cruise climbs into the ring and he has a microphone.

The crowd starts to chant: “FREE KA-TIE! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap) FREE KA-TIE! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)

Tom Cruise: Thank you…thank you for your concern about my fiancée. She can’t be here tonight because she’s about to give birth-

Crowd: (even louder) FREE KA-TIE! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap) FREE KA-TIE! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)

Tom Cruise: SHUT UP! I just came out here to make clear that I absolutely nothing, I repeat, NOTHING to do with the Simontology episode of that vile, little hateful show South Park being taken off Comedy Central Net last week.

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Tom Cruise: Comedy Central Net made that decision on their own. So I don’t want to hear any more about Simontology-

The crowd starts to buzz.

Suave: IT’S THE GUYS FROM SOUTH PARK! STONE AND PARKER! THEY’RE HERE!

A shocked Tom Cruise watches with his mouth wide open. Stone and Parker jump into the ring.

Suave: STONE AND PARKER HAVE A HUGE ISSUE WITH TOM CRUISE AND SIMONTOLOGY!

Tom Cruise: Brad. BRAD! GET YOUR @#$@#$# ASS UP HERE RIGHT NOW!

Suave: Brad? Brad Grey. The CEO of Paramount Pictures who also own Comedy Central Net?

A sheepish Brad Grey climbs into the ring.

Tom Cruise: Brad. Listen dammit, you need to do something about these two clowns…

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOO!

Tom Cruise: …I want them taken care of. You tell them both to get their asses of the ring and leave. I WANT THEM BACK IN THE DRESSING ROOM NOW!…..or else.

Brad: Or else what?Tom Cruise: I think you know the answer to that already Brad.

Suave: HOLY CRAP! It’s a Tom Cruise power play!

Brad: Tom?

Tom Cruise: DON’T YOU TOM ME! GET THEM THE @#$# OUT OF HERE NOW!

Brad Grey slowly turns to Stone and Parker.

Brad: Guys. I……I want you-

Tom Cruise: Wait a second…

Brad pauses.

Brad: What, Tom?

Tom Cruise: Brad, I didn’t say…Simon says.

Suave: Oh, this is ridiculous!

Tom Cruise: All right. Brad, Simon says get them out of my sight right now.

Brad: (sighs, turns to Stone and Parker) Guys. I want you to leave Tom Cruise alone.

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOO!

Stone and Parker can’t believe it.

Brad: You…you heard me. Go. Now!

Stone and Parker look at each other, shrug, and act as if they’re leaving the ring.

Suave: You’re kidding! They’re backing down? South Park is backing down?

Tom Cruise smirks and shoos Stone and Parker away.

A woman slowly walks up behind Cruise outside the ring.

Suave: WAIT A MINUTE! THAT’S BROOKE SHIELDS!

Shields quietly climbs up on the edge of the ring.

Suave: SHE’S SNEAKING UP BEHIND THE HOLLYWOOD MEGASTAR! HE DOESN’T SEE HER. HOLY CRAP!

The South Park guys Stone and Parker see Shields and stop.

Tom Cruise: What are you guys, deaf? Simon says get out of the ring.

The crowd rises in anticipation as Shields takes off one of her pumps. Cruise is still unaware that she’s behind him.

Tom Cruise: …SIMON SAYS GET YOUR @#$#@$# ASS OUT OF THE RING…NOW!

The crowd noise crescendos. Cruise looks a bit wary.

Tom Cruise: (not sure what is going on) What?

*WHAP*
Suave: HOLY CRAP! She just clocked him with her pump!

Cruise topples forward face first.

Crowd: (mockingly) SI-MON SAYS! (Clap, clap, clap-clap-clap) SI-MON SAYS! (Clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)

Suave: Here comes Stone and Parker!

Stone and Parker push Grey out of the way and lift Cruise up.

Suave: Oh no…no…they’re not going to-

Stone and Parker heave Cruise out of the ring.

Suave: HOLY CRAP!

Cruise lands on and is impaled by a piece of wood. It then catches fire incinerating Cruise and then he is torn limb from limb by a bunch of wild animals.

Suave: Oooo-kay. Didn’t expect that ending. Didn’t necessarily need to see that either. Well, as is tradition here in BCEW, all of the wrestlers come out to the ring to listen to the CEO of BCEW deliver the ‘State of BCEW’ address. This year is no exception as the locker room has surrounded the ring and…(hears music being played badly) yep I know he’s coming out now because I hear that God-awful off key mariachi band playing ‘Hail to the Chief.’

Indeed, the off key mariachi band leads a wincing George W along with his family; wife Lauren, daughters Jennie and Babs, to the ring along with W’s aide de camp Dick and The Mastermind Karl Rove. The crowd boos.

Suave: Well, can’t say the booing is unexpected. W’s poll numbers have plummeted since the whole Rafael Barry Giambee steroids fiasco.

The American Patriots give W and company a standing ovation as his procession reaches the ring. Once he climbs through the ropes, W takes the microphone.

———————–

George W’s State of BCEW Address
W first says that he appreciates the fact that there’s some people who are very unhappy over the whole former BCEW World Champion Rafael Barry Giambee steroids fiasco. “If given a do over, I’d of handled that in a more proactively active way.”- BCEW CEO George W. W explains he can’t change the past but he can learn from the ‘mistakenly unwise thingys’ done in the past. He announces that he has hired a new chief of staff- Josh, which comes as a bit of a surprise to both Dick and The Mastermind. The First order of change is that W will become more active in the match to match aspects of BCEW. W also observes that in some wrestling federations, the owner’s family also becomes involved in the action as well. W announces that his daughters Jennie and Babs will become active participants participating actively in BCEW. This is also a big surprise to Dick and The Mastermind. The leadership of the American Patriots Dr. Bill Frist- Medicine Guy and Denny “The Big Guy” Hastert also seemed confused at this new direction that W is embarking on.

W announces that the #1 contender match between Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance and A. Tom Bomb of the American Patriots will be a no DQ, falls count anywhere in the building, to determine once and for all the new #1 contender for the BCEW World Championship. With that, W exits.

———————-

Suave: Hmmm, the speech a bit lackluster. And now even the American Patriots are grumbling about the direction George W is taking. This could get interesting.

The crowd stands up as “The Domestic Diva” Martha Stewart enters the ring.

Suave: We’re ready for our next match and it’s going to be a doozy…

Match #3- “The Domestic Diva” Martha Stewart vs. “Billionaire Don” Trump
“This is a big time grudge match.” – Johnny Suave. The war of words between the two would cumulate tonight at Loose Cannons Unleashed II. Trump was led to the ring by his two lackeys George and Carolyn who immediately get into Stewart’s face. With the Domestic Diva occupied by his lackeys, Trump snuck in the ring and took a cheap shot on her. Then the bell rang. Billionaire Don immediately went to work on Stewart mixing in punches and kicks and such. Stewart was pushed back into a turnbuckle and George reached over mugged her with a choke in the corner. Trump got on the microphone and yelled instructions for George to let her go. Stewart tried to fight back but ran right into a flying elbow. Pissed off, Stewart slapped Trump across the face and then kicked the Billionaire in the crotch. Trump danced around for a bit and the Domestic Diva hit a leaping back elbow on Trump. She covered for a two count. Both traded chops with Trump eventually getting the upper hand. Billionaire Don drilled Stewart with a facebuster and tossed her to the outside. George and Carolyn toss Stewart face First into the ringpost. Then they toss her back into the ring. Trump sets her up for his finishing maneuver- “You’re Fired.” Just as he is about to slam Stewart down, she desperately reaches for and pulls off Trump’s hairpiece. “HOLY CRAP!”- Johnny Suave. Trump, horrified, pats at his shiny bald head- no hairpiece. Stewart starts twirling the toupee- which looks like an emaciated muskrat, around like an exotic dancer and gets attacked from behind by both George and Carolyn. The hairpiece flies out of Stewart’s hand. George and Carolyn do a number on the Domestic Diva as Trump feverishly crawls over and tries to put the hairpiece back in place. He partly succeeds and partly looks like the lead singer of A Flock of Seagulls. Trump then covers a spent Stewart and gets the 1-2-3.

Winner: “Billionaire Don” Trump

——————–

Johnny Suave: Blatant interference by Trump’s lackeys George and Carolyn insures Billionaire Don’s victory. I have a sneaky feeling we haven’t heard the last of this one…

A young French man is standing right in front of Johnny smoking a cigarette and not doing much of anything.

Suave: …er excuse me.

Young French: Qui?

Suave: Do you mind? I’m trying to work here.

Young French: Yes. So am I.

Suave: Oh really? Who are you?

Young French: I’m Henri. One of ze new employees.

Suave: I see. Perhaps instead of standing here blocking my sight lines to the ring, you should, oh I don’t know, go do your job?

Young French: WHAT!

Suave: Go do whatever you’re supposed to do. Do something.

Young French: Mondieur! What do you mean because I have a job I have to work?

Suave: Excuse me? Of course you actually have to work. I’m working. I’m doing my job which is call the matches. You need to go to do your job and not stand in my way.Young French: (angrily) This is not acceptable. I’m going on strike.

Young French guy stomps off and tips over a garbage can.

Suave: O-kay. That was different. The young French guy, apparently a new employee to BCEW, got mad because I told him to go do his job. Amazing. Let’s go backstage as the BCEW World Tag Team champions, the Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don- the Flyin’ Martini Brothers are engaging in their pre-match warm up with……WHAT? HOLY CRAP!

Dan and Don are having their pre-match swig of Jack Daniels with W’s daughter’s Jennie and Babs. After finishing it off, Dan takes the empty bottle and breaks it over his head. He’s ready to go. After Jennie finishes off her Jack Daniels, she takes the empty bottle and breaks it over her head. She accidently knocks herself out.

Suave: O-kay. The tag team belts are on the line tonight!

————————–

Match #4- BCEW Tag Team Champions The Drunken Luchadors Dan and Don- The Flyin’ Martini Brothers vs. The Green World Order (Peacenik #1 and #2)
Before the match begins, Peacenik #1 takes the mic and complains that the Green World Order never gets any respect. He goes on to say that BCEW glorifies violence in resolving people’s differences. “Excuse me? This is professional wrestling thank you very much.”- Johnny Suave. Peacenik #2 gets on the mic and intimates that if BCEW doesn’t take steps to protect their ‘rights’ that the GWO will be forced to take matters into their own hands.

At this point, the tag team champs stagger out to the ring and the match begins. Immediately after the bell rings, two men dressed in suits sit down with Johnny Suave at the broadcast table. “Who the hell are you?”- Johnny Suave. The duo explains they are Felcher and Felcher- attorneys at law, legal counsel for the Green World Order and members of the Progressive Alliance. They explain that they are here to insure that the GWO gets a fair shake. R. Felcher argues that a fundamental tenet of fairness is being violated. Suave asks how? “What we have here is a clear case where people who are stronger and more skilled win matches at the expense of their clients.”- R. Felcher. “It’s a wrestling match. Someone wins. Someone loses.”- Johnny Suave. The Felchers don’t see it this way. “Clearly this is blatant discrimation against the Green World Order.”- B. Felcher. “It’s a freakin’ wrestling match!” – Johnny Suave.

Peacenik #1 jumped Don Martini and got a quick two count. They did a series of spots where Peacenik #1 kept trying moves but the Martini Brothers inadvertently staggered or fell down out of the way. Peacenik #1 finally became so infuriated that he blind rushes towards Don Martini. Don again staggers out of the way and Peacenik #1 rams hard into the turnbuckle. “See? This is simply not fair. How can the GWO win the match if the Martini Brothers won’t let them execute any move?”- R. Felcher, attorney at law. “Maybe because they’re too drunk to stand still?”- Johnny Suave. Peacenik #2 jumped on Dan Martini’s back with a sleeper. But Dan loses his balance and falls forward, launching Peacenik #2 into the other turnbuckle. “This is simply not fair!” – R. Felcher. “I’m afraid we’re going to have to get involved. Our client’s rights are being violated.” – B. Felcher. “This is totally ridiculous!” – Johnny Suave.

Felcher and Felcher attempt to interject themselves into the match. R. Felcher distracts Dan Martini while B. Felcher tries to jump Don Martini. Don again trips on his own two feet and B. Felcher misses and runs into Peacenik #1 and #2. “I guess THAT’S not fair either.” – Johnny Suave. B. Felcher gets mad and actually connects- he hits Don Martini in the stomach. Don holds his stomach and begins to wretch. “Oh, oh! This isn’t going to end well.”- Johnny Suave. All of a sudden, what appears to be the sound a car skidding and crashing is heard. This gets the attorneys attention. It’s followed by people screaming and then the wail of an ambulance siren. R. Felcher hesitates. He looks at his brother B. Felcher cornered by a wretching Don Martini. Then he hears more ambulance sirens. B. Felcher tells R. Felcher not to leave him. R. Felcher hesitates and then takes off after the ambulance leaving B. Felcher in the ring all alone. Don proceeds to projectile vomit all over B. Felcher. “YEESSS!” -Johnny Suave. Then Don passes out on top of Peacenik #1. 1-2-3. Match over.

WINNER AND STILL BCEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS- THE DRUNKEN LUCHADORS DAN AND DON- THE FLYIN’ MARTINI BROTHERS

Suave: Once again, it’s the Bleech Beer Gratuitous Vomit moment of the week.

Replay of Don Martini projectile vomiting on and coating a disgustingly oozing and dripping B. Felcher- attorney at law.

Suave: Wow! Chunky! It just doesn’t get any better than that.

——————————–

American Patriots office
Denny Hastert and Dr. Bill Frist-Medicine Guy ruminate in their office.

Denny Hastert: I don’t know about you Bill. But I’m not sure the direction George W is taking us is the right one.

Dr. Frist: I agree.

Hastert: If we don’t win the #1 contender match tonight, I think we may need to rethink our strategy. We’ve lost the World Championship-

Dr. Frist: No thanks to the ‘Straight Shooter’ John McCain.

Hastert: Exactly. Who wants to be the next CEO of BCEW- just like you do.

Dr. Frist: True. And Hillary Clinton. And any number of people.

Hastert: We’re losing focus. And we’ll lose the CEO if we’re not careful.

Door opens. Enter a new wrestler. Burly. Blond haired. All-American looking.

Starz N. Stripes: I’m the new guy. They call me Starz N. Stripes.

Both Dr. Frist and Hastert look very impressed.

Starz N. Stripes: I have my First match here in a couple moments. I just want to say I’m glad to be here.

Dr. Frist: The pleasure is all ours.

Hastert: Good luck.

Starz N. Stripes departs for his match.

Dr. Frist: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Hastert: I’m thinking that if A-Bomb can’t get the job done tonight against Justin Sufferable, we’ve found our new champion.

Dr. Frist: Exactly.

———————

Johnny Suave: Well he’s here. The new Rookie Sensation Starz N. Stripes against a jobber named Th’ Swamp Pirate.

Match #5- “The Rookie Sensation” Starz N. Stripes vs. Th’ Swamp Pirate
Th’ Swamp Pirate, dressed in the requisite pirate gear complete with parrot and jewelry, pulled out a few stops to knock off the Rookie Sensation. Th’ Swamp Pirate pulled off the jewelry and tried to choke out Starz N. Stripe. Starz finally took the offensive. He hit a fall away suplex off the ropes and then went to work on Th’ Pirate in the corner. Starz grounded Th’ Swamp Pirate with knee strikes followed by a fall away belly-to-back suplex. Starz hit his finisher, the “Rockets Red Glare” and made the cover for a win.

Johnny Suave: An impressive debut for The Rookie Sensation Starz N. Stripes. Coming up, the BCEW Women’s Championship belt on the line. And the #1 contender match between A. Tom Bomb of the American Patriots and Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance. A lot on the line coming up in just a few.

Johnny Suave: And we’re back for the final part of BCEW Loose Cannons Unleashed 2. (pauses as the crowd chants “BCEW…BCEW…” We’re celebrating the one year anniversary of BCEW. And speaking of celebrations, let’s peek in on a special celebration going on in the back area of Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon.

Cut to a hall where a wedding reception is going on.

Suave: That’s right. They’re celebrating the wedding of Will Beckworth and Charlene Ann Cantrell.

Close up of the happy couple Will and Charlene Ann who wave at the camera and then cut the cake. Charlene Ann then takes a piece of the cake and smashes it Will’s face.

The crowd stands up and gives Charlene Ann a standing ovation.

Suave: Congratulations guys. Charlene Ann, of course, is our usual ring announcer and.………what? Oh. Okay ladies and gentlemen. We’re going back to George W’s office where there’s some kind of meeting going on.

Meeting in George W’s Office
BCEW CEO George W, his aide de camp Dick, The Mastermind Karl Rove, and W’s new chief aide Josh meet. W laments his low poll numbers. Dick argues that all they need to do is stay the course and they’ll ride through it. Josh stands up and introduces a special guest he has brought in specifically to deal with this issue- “Seg” McMann. “Who the hell is Seg McMann?” barks Dick, “and what the @#$# does ‘Seg’ stand for?” “Sports Entertainment Guy,” McMann responds. “If you want to connect with your target audience, then you have to realize that ‘pro wrestling’ is really nothing more than ‘soap operas for guys.’ If you want your polls numbers to go up, then you need to reconnect with your audience.” “How?” W asks. Seg tells the group that the problem with BCEW is that there is too much ‘wrestling’ and not enough ‘sports entertainment.’ W shakes his head in agreement. Dick stews. And the Mastermind Karl Rove points at his temple to remind us all once again that even though he didn’t come up with this new exciting concept of ‘sports entertainment’ that he’s still a freakin’ genius. “So what do you suggest?” asks W. Seg starts to answer but is interrupted by a knock on the door.

It is BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin delivering food for the meeting. “Hi Tessa,” the group murmers. Dick starts to collect money to pay Tessa, Seg drools while he gawks at the Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl. “Here you go Tessa,” Dick says as he pays her and she quickly exits. “Who was that?” Seg asks. Dick explains that she’s the BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl. “She’s perfect!” Seg says, “Gentlemen, I’ll be back!”

BCEW Women’s champion Candiloosa Rice then walks by on the way to the ring for her title defense. Dick stands up. “Candy, are you sure you want to go out there tonight without a little back up?” Dick adds that he would feel better if she was accompanied to the ring. Rice waves them off and says she can handle herself.

Suave: Wow! Is Rice distancing herself from Dick and The Mastermind? And just what are they worried about?

A woman appears pushing a large dolly with someone strapped tightly to it.

Suave: Oh…never mind. Here’s the reason why. FBI Special Agent Charlize Starling is bringing the wrestler known as ‘Annabel the Cannibal’ to the ring. That’s right. Dr. Annabel Lecktor. Back in BCEW for the first time since being sent to the Kitty Dukakis wing of the ultra-maximum security Hopkins Institute for Thoroughly Insane.

Lecktor is not only strapped to the dolly but also restrained with a straight jacket and she wears a modified hockey style type mask over her face.

Suave: As Dr. Lecktor is wheeled to the ring, you may note the hockey mask on her face. The BCEW competition committee decReid that because of Dr. Lecktor’s propensity for biting off large chunks of her opponent’s flesh during a match, from now on she must wear that mask during all matches or be immediately disqualified.

The BCEW Women’s Champion is next to arrive.

Match #6 BCEW Women’s Champion Candiloosa Rice vs. Dr. Annabel “Annabel the Cannibal’ Lecktor with FBI Special Agent Charlize Starling
Dr. Lecktor immediately jumps the champion to start the match. Rice tries to pull Lecktor over her own back, but the Doctor blocks her by pulling on her hair. Lecktor counters with a drop toehold and then puts on a wristlock. After the champion escapes, Lecktor climbs up to the second rope and tries to clothesline Rice. She misses and the Women’s Champion kicks her in the gut! Enraged, Dr. Lecktor throws her over the top rope, then calls in FBI Special Agent Starling for assistance. Starling whips the champion into the ring post and then delivers a bronco buster! Suave sighs and comments, “I can never get enough of that move. That was a beautiful sight.” However, Rice tosses Starling into the steps. Lecktor sneaks up behind her with a steel-folding chair and blasts her. Then she appears to try and bite her arm. “Good thing she’s wearing that mask,” Suave observes, “who knows what would-….HOLY CRAP! Lecktor’s trying to take off the mask!” The referee tries to stop her but Lecktor swats him away. “If she gets that mask off,” Suave says, “well, I don’t want to even think about it.” Starling tries to stop Lecktor who’s partially undone the mask. Immediately the referee calls for the bell and Dr. Lecktor is DQ’d. “That’s it!” Suave says, “Candiloosa Rice retains the Women’s championship but she’s totally out right now……. AND LECKTOR HAS THE HOCKEY MASK COMPLETELY OFF!”

Dick races to the ring with The Mastermind. FBI Special Agent Starling tries to stun Lecktor with a cattle prod. No go. Lecktor shakes it off and approaches Rice. Then the crowd suddenly cheers as out of nowhere comes a star spangled BCEW superstar. “HOLY CRAP! It’s the Rookie Sensation Starz N Stripes!” shouts Suave. Starz N Stripes raises his hand to attack Lecktor but then inexplicatively stops. Dick is besides himself. “WHAT THE @#$# ARE YOU WAITING FOR?” he shouts out. “Are you sure it’s okay to hit a woman?” the Rookie Sensation asks, “I’m not sure I’m comfortable with-” “JUST HIT HER ALREADY!” Dick interrupts. Starz N Stripes then charges into the Doctor and drives her into the ring post knocking her out.

Winner and still champion by DQ: Candiloosa Rice

Suave: Wow! That was a close call. Nice save by the Rookie Sensation Starz N Stripes. Coming up tonight- the match we’ve all been waiting for. The winner becomes the new #1 contender for the BCEW World Championship crown. Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance vs. A. Tom Bomb from the American Patriots.

In the back hall, ‘Seg’ McMann talks with BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin. From a neutral third party standpoint, Seg appears to be a lecherous type of guy. Apparently with little shame, McMann excitedly tells her how he can make her a big star in BCEW and goes on a spiel to convince her to sign on. Tessa seems slightly interested but appears to be anxious to get back to delivering pizzas.

Suave: God, is this creepy or what?

“Think about it,” Seg says as she runs out the door to take care of more deliveries. More drool forms on the corner of this mouth as squealing tires signal the BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl driving away.

Suave: Is it just me or does ‘Seg’ has a major crush on Tessa Martin?

Holy music blares over the loudspeakers.

Suave: And that can mean only one thing, it’s of course, the Pious Pair. The God Squad. Rev. Robertson. Rev. Falwell. God knows why they’ve come out here tonight but I’m sure we’ll all find out soon enough….God help us all.

Rev. Robertson: I heard that.

The God Squad enters the ring and Rev. Robertson takes the microphone.

God Squad Segment
Rev. Robertson speaks about a ‘coming storm’ in BCEW. “I was on a personal prayer retreat with God,” Rev Robertson says, “and if I heard him correctly, the proverbial crap is going to hit the fan.” Rev Falwell then chimes in and complains about the introduction of ‘sports entertainment’ into BCEW. Falwell says that it’s bad enough with the bad language and the skimpy wardrobe and the extreme violence. “Now adding ‘sports entertainment’ into the mix?” Falwell says, “what’s next? Bathroom humor. Picking boogers out of your nose? Bodily fluids? How low are we going to go?” Rev Robertson warns W that there will be dire consequences if ‘sports entertainment’ is adopted in BCEW. “There’s a storm coming,” Rev. Robertson reiterates, “it may be a shower or it may be a tidal wave. If George W doesn’t-” As if on cue, a sprinkler line above Rev. Robertson starts to leak and sprays water down on him. “AAAHHHHHHHH” Rev. Robertson cries out as the water interacts with the electrically charged microphone and…well…you know what happens next.

Suave: Apparently God gave Rev. Robertson the ability to leg press 4000 lbs but not to withstand the combination of water and live electricity. The God Squad, ladies and gentlemen, and you can put them squarely on the side of those who don’t like ‘sports entertainment.’ And as much as I hate to admit it, I have to say that I agree with much of what Rev. Robertson had to say on the subject. All right, let’s get back to the-

Voice: Just hold it!

Suave looks surprised.

Suave: Who are you and what do you want?

News Hounds: You can call me News Hounds. I run a blog dedicated to countering right wing bias in our media.

Suave: Okay. What the hell are you doing out here?

News Hounds: I was watching the segment with the God Squad and you helped push their extreme right-wing agenda by agreeing with what they said. We simply can’t stand for that!

Suave: On the issue of ‘sports entertainment,’ I find myself in agreement. There’s nothing wrong with that.

News Hounds: But Rev. Robertson and the religious right are trying to force their beliefs on all of us.

Suave: You may be right. But that has nothing to do with my opinion of ‘sports entertainment.’ Let’s move on-

News Hounds: BIASED! YOU’RE BIASED!

Suave: Go blow it out your ear. Let’s go to the ring.

Inside the ring stand all three members of the Dixie Chucks. The Dixie Chucks are three men who are huge fans of the music group- The Dixie Chicks. The Dixie Chicks find themselves back in the news as they are about to release a new CD called “Taking The Long Way Home.” Their first single “Not Ready to Make Nice” addressed the issues the Chicks have faced since Natalie Maines’ controversial comments about President Bush three years ago. Each Dixie Chuck pays homage to the group by each dressing up as one member of the Dixie Chicks. There’s Chuck-atalie. Chuck-mily. Chuck-artie.

Dixie Chucks Segment
Chuck-atalie tells the booing crowd to shut the hell up. He rails at their ‘ignorance’ and tries to equate everyone booing them ie…the ‘haters’… with the nutcases who have actually sent death threats to Natalie Maines, the lead singer. “Like I’ve said before,” Chuck-atalie says, “you don’t have to like what any member of the Dixie Chicks say. They still have the God-given right to speak their mind!” More boos follow. Chuck-artie grabs the mic. “It’s a @#$#ing injustice what has happened to the Dixie Chicks!” he screeches. “Go buy their new CD! It totally rocks!” Chuck-mily chimes in: “that’s right. If you don’t like the new CD, you can all just kiss our asses!”

The Dixie Chucks leave to mass boos and catcalls.

Suave: You know, I hate to admit this too but I kind of agree with them about the way the Dixie Chicks have been treated. I mean, death threats? Come on. This IS America yes-

Voice: Hold on a second there!

Suave: Now what?

News Busters: I am News Busters. I run this blog where I take on left-wing media bias on a daily basis.

Suave: And your point is? No, wait. Let me guess. Because I agreed with what the Dixie Chucks said that constitutes some kind of liberal bias on my part…right?News Busters: Well…yes! The left wing has long since used their sympathizers in the media to further their extreme liberal agenda.

Suave: But we’re not talking about the extreme left-wing agenda. We’re talking about someone receiving death threats for speaking their mind! I think that’s wrong!

News Busters: So you agree with the Dixie Chicks. SEE! I KNEW you were biased!

Suave: All right. That’s it! Both of you get the @#$# off my set now. And let’s get to the main event. The match we’ve all been waiting for.

Justin Sufferable, led by the leader of the Progressive Alliance Howard “The American Screamer” Dean, The Pith Lord, Barth Salacious, Harry Reid, and the Attack Poodle Nancy Pelosi walks to the ring. Sufferable grabs the mic.

Justin Sufferable: SHUT UP! I’m not just intolerable. I’m not just unbearable. I am, my friends, Justin Insufferable!

Suave: Yes you are…

News Hounds: Hey! That’s a biased comment against the Progressive Alliance!

Suave: The hell it is.

The off key mariachi band reappears and heads to the ring.

Suave: Now what?

George W saunters cockily down the aisle wearing his trademark smirk only occasionally wincing at the bad notes the off key mariachi band hits. W takes the mic and points at Dean.

George W.: I don’t know what y’all are thinking, but I don’t give a rats ass about my so-called poll numbers. I’m still in charge here.

The crowd boos.

George W: In order to maintain order and fairness, you three need to get your asses back to the locker room. I’M BANNING YOU FROM THE RING!

Suave: What?

News Busters: YEAH! You go W! You go! That’s fair! That’s fair!

Suave: Oh yeah? I guess that means that no one from the American Patriots can be ringside either.

News Busters: Now you’re being biased again! You’re taking the side of the-

Suave: Oh shut up.

Dean, Reid, and Pelosi hesitate.

George W: You heard me. Now get! I’m reestablishing my authority here tonight and whether y’all like it or not, and quite frankly I don’t care, I want your asses back to the locker room now.

Reluctantly, the trio starts back to the locker. They pass A. Tom Bomb aka A-Bomb and he arrives with his valet, the lovely and well-endowed Daisy Cutter-Bomb, and his brothers H-Bomb and N-Bomb. There is an awkward moment and momentary staredown before Dean, Reid, and Pelosi continue on.

Suave: Well, the American Screamer Howard Dean, Pith Lord Harry Reid, and the Attack Poodle Nancy Pelosi have been banished from ringside.

The Bomb Brothers led by Daisy Cutter-Bomb approach the ring. W suddenly motions for Daisy, N-Bomb, and H-Bomb to leave the ringside area.

Suave: BCEW CEO George W has just ejected them too!

News Busters: WHAT?

Suave: I totally agree! If the Progressive Alliance can’t have anybody there then neither should the American Patriots!

News Busters: B-but…but…that’s not fair!

Suave: Bull@#$#. It’s the right thing to do!

News Hounds: I object to the term ‘right.’ It alludes that conservatism and the American Patriots are-

Suave: THAT’S IT! I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU TWO!

Suave gets up and grabs the hair of both News Hounds and News Busters. Then he conks them together. Both News Hounds and News Busters fall off their chairs and to the floor.

Suave: There. Much better. Let’s get to the match.

Match #7- #1 Contender Match- Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance vs. A. Tom Bomb of the American Patriots.
W gets on the mic again and tells both men that he wants them to put on a ‘helluva show’ for the BCEW fans and exhorts them to take the match ‘all over the building.’ The bell rings and the match finally begins.

Sufferable and A-Bomb began. A-Bomb immediately lifted up Justin and threw him to the floor. A-Bomb leaped over the ropes and connected on a cross-body block. He then hit Sufferable with a steel folding chair, then threw him into the ring steps. A-Bomb picked up a small trash can next to the ring announcer and whacked Sufferable with it. Then he sidekicked the trash can into Justin’s face. “So far, Justin Sufferable is taking a whole lot of punishment,” Suave says, “with no help from the Progressive Alliance, how long can he withstand A-Bomb’s onslaught?”

Sufferable desperately grabs the trash can and throws it at A-Bomb. Then he grabbed the microphone laying on the announcer’s table and swung it wildly at A-Bomb and rammed it on the side of his skull. Sufferable reaches under the ring and pulls out a ladder. He jams it into A-Bomb’s head. Justin went for a chair, climbed the ladder, and the crashed the chair on A-Bomb. He went to hit him again with the chair but A-Bomb somehow side-steps him and then he gets arm dragged into the ladder. The crowd cheered when A-Bomb then wore a ladder like a propeller and swung it around, smacking Sufferable several times. A-Bomb then climbed the ladder but Sufferable knocked it over sending A-Bomb through the announcers table. “HOLY CRAP!” Johnny Suave shouts. He barely got out of the way of A-Bomb before the table disintegrated. Sufferable lifted A-Bomb up and then walked him over to the edge of the stage. “Oh no…” Suave says, “He’s not going to do what I think he’s going to do!” A-Bomb hits Sufferable with a low blow. Then he lifts Sufferable up and power A-Bombs him off the stage through a front row table. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave shouts again, “He’s dead! He’s freaking dead!” The Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon crowd chanted, “This match rocks! This match rocks!” A-Bomb again lifts a woozy Sufferable back up and drags him down the aisle towards the back. “Where the hell is he going?” Suave asks. We find out soon enough. A-Bomb drags Sufferable through the main room of Hack’s to a back hallway. He stops at a door, opens it up, and then heaves Sufferable into a dark room. “What is he up to?” Suave inquires. Again, we find out quickly. The lights turn on and Justin Sufferable gets a very unpleasant surprise. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave yells, “it’s every member of the American Patriots! It’s a trap! It’s a freakin’ TRAP!”

H-Bomb, N-Bomb, Daisy Cutter-Bomb, Mr. Old School Don Rumsfeld, The Rookie Sensation Starz N Stripes, The Mastermind Karl Rove, George W’s aide de camp Dick, and the BCEW CEO himself, George W surround Justin. The Mastermind points to his temple to remind everyone that he’s a freakin’ genius. George W has his trademark Texas smirk. Dick says his trademark catch phrase: “F@#$ you Justin!” Then Dick directs the American Patriots the beat the holy hell out of him. Hy Drogen Bomb aka H-Bomb wraps his arm in barbed wire and then punches Sufferable. He immediately came up bleeding. H-Bomb rubbed the barbed wire into Justin’s forehead. Mr. Old School Don Rumsfeld pulled out a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire and handed it to Daisy Cutter-Bomb. Daisy legdropped the barbed wire baseball bat across Sufferable’s crotch. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave said yet again, “I don’t even want to try to describe that…” Off to the side, it appears the Rookie Sensation Starz N Stripes is having reservations about joining in the mugging. “I don’t know if this is right,” Starz says, “seven against one doesn’t seem very fair.” Dick growls and pushes Starz N Stripes into Sufferable. Rowe then pulls out an old sweaty sweat sock and sticks it in Justin’s mouth. “Oh, that’s gross!” Suave comments, “who knows where that sock’s been.” H-Bomb spears Sufferable. H-Bomb then grabbed Justin in the corner and bent him over while Newt-Tron Bomb aka N-Bomb stood with his butt in Sufferable’s face. “OH NO!” Suave says, “they’re going for the ‘Silent But Deadly!’” Suddenly the lights in the room go out. “WHAT THE-” is all Suave can say before the light comes quickly back on and the opening bars to the Fleetwood Mac classic “Don’t Stop (Thinking About Tomorrow)” start to play. A man in a flannel shirt wielding a Singapore cane and a mocha stands in the room.

“IT’S HIM!” cries out Suave, “IT’S THE TREE HUGGIN’, MOCHA CHUGGIN’, TOBACCO COMPANY BUGGIN’, INSANE EXTREME SINGAPORE CANE SWINGING ALPHA MALE! THE EXTREME ENVIROMENTAL HARDCORE ICON- AL GORE!” As the crowd in the main room sings “Don’t stop, thinking about tomorrow,” Gore holds up his mocha, inside an environmentally friendly biodegradable container of course, and chugs it down. Then he spews it out of his mouth into the shocked faces of both The Mastermind and Dick and then crushes the paper container on his forehead in a manly fashion. Al has a microphone. “You know, just like the Earth may cross the line of no return several years from now and suffer the devastating consequences of global warming, George W- you crossed the line tonight!” Gore immediately whacks Dick and the Mastermind over the head with the Singapore cane. Then he quickly takes out A-Bomb, H-Bomb, N-Bomb, Mr. Old School Don Rumsfeld, Starz N Stripes, and Daisy Cutter-Bomb- leaving just George W. The crowd outside rose to their feet as Gore appeared to measure the BCEW CEO for a Singapore cane shot. Then out of nowhere comes Bill First-Medicine Guy and he plows Gore over with a stiff forearm to the back of the head. In the meantime, lost all in the confusion was the fact that Sufferable somehow drug himself up and staggered out the door. W screams at First to get him. First rushes Sufferable who somehow ducks a clothesline. Justin whirls around with a spinning heel kick and knocks Dr. First off his feet. Sufferable picks up Gore’s Singapore cane and proceeds to whip Dr. First in the back with it. Inexplicatively, George W tries to snatch the cane away from Justin Sufferable. There is a short struggle before Sufferable pushes W away and goes back to whipping Dr. First. A. Tom Bomb still groggy from his cane shot, staggers to his feet and sees Sufferable. Enraged, A-Bomb screams out and charges at Justin, tackling and driving him through a closed door on the other side of the hallway. The door bursts open and nearly clips a few people who appear to be attending a wedding reception.

“HOLY CRAP!” Suave exclaims, “they just busted into the wedding reception for Will Beckworth and Charlene Ann Cantrell!” The guests, shocked and surprised by the intrusion, scatter as Sufferable is thrown head first into a table causing it to tip over and spill food, plates, wine glasses, you name it. Charlene Ann Cantrell aka the newly mined Mrs. Will Beckworth, looks at first horrified and then incredibly pissed off. A-Bomb continues his assault and slams Sufferable into another table knocking it and the contents over. Then A-Bomb grabs Justin by the hair, drags him over to the gift table, and slings him head first onto the table causing the gifts to spill onto the floor. A-Bomb smiles and pulls Sufferable back off the table. “Just end it already!” Suave says, “Sufferable doesn’t know what state he’s in……Hey! What’s George W doing?” W rips open one of the gifts- it’s a toaster oven. W gets his trademark smirk on and walks over to where A-Bomb is literally holding up Justin Sufferable. “No!” cries out Suave, “no, no, no!” W attempts to clobber Sufferable with the toaster oven- Sufferable somehow ducks out of the way and W’s piefaces A. Tom Bomb instead. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave says as a stunned W watches A-Bomb falls stiffly backwards to the floor, “W MISSED! HE HIT A-BOMB INSTEAD!” Getting his fourth wind, Sufferable pulls A-Bomb up and climbs on the gift table. He gets A-Bomb into the air and then powerbombs him through the gift table sending gifts, decorations flying all over. “HOLY, HOLY CRAP!” Suave shouts at the move, “THAT’S IT! SUFFERABLE COVER…1…2…3! JUSTIN SUFFERABLE IS NOW THE NUMBER ONE CONTENDER FOR THE BCEW WORLD TITLE!” The crowd in the main room go nuts. W just stands there with his mouth wide open. “W CAN’T BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED! HE JUST SCREWED A. TOM BOMB OUT OF THE NUMBER ONE CONTENDER’S SPOT!” Suddenly, a very unhappy young bride leaps on W’s back and starts to choke him. “THAT’S CHARLENE ANN CANTRELL! SHE’S CHOKING OUT THE CEO OF BCEW! SHE’S PISSED!” W spins around wildly as Charlene Ann’s grip on his throat tightens. “THIS HAS BEEN A GREAT NIGHT. JUSTIN SUFFERABLE WILL MEET THE BCEW WORLD CHAMPION “NO FRILLS” CHRIS ESCONDIDO FOR THE TITLE IN SEPTEMBER AT “BCEW LOOSE CANNONS- LOCK AND LOAD! SEE YOU THEN!”

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Prairie Depot Press – Home of the novel Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction
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NOTE: TWO WEEKS FROM TONIGHT!  PCW RETURNS WITH SEASON #4.

PCW Rewind from year one- BCEW Revenge of the Pith

 

From May of 2005, when PCW (Political Championship Wrestling) was BCEW (Buckland County Extreme Wrestling), the second BCEW pay per view…
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BCEW announcer Johnny Suave, with his life-size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain ever by his side, stands in a hallway someone inside Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon. A “BCEW” banner hangs behind him. Suave announces that a lot has happened in BCEW since “Loose Cannons Unleashed” two months ago.

First the leadership of the Progressive Alliance was finally settled. Suave reports that Bill and Hillary Clinton decreed that Tim Roemer and “The American Screamer” Howard Dean face off against each other for the leadership of the Progressive Alliance in a special match that was held at the Eagle’s Club in Eagle Rock a few weeks back.

Highlights of Dean-Roemer match.
Roemer, accompanied to the ring by Nancy “The Attack Poodle” Pelosi, comes out firing on all cylinders and takes the battle right to the “American Screamer.” It looks like the young Roemer carries the day when all of a sudden, for some strange reason the Pith Lord Harry Reid aka ‘Barth Rabidenous’, appears ringside. He whispers something in Pelosi’s ear just as Roemer is about to pin Dean. In a shocking turn of events, Pelosi jumps into the fray, distracting Roemer enough to let Dean hit his finishing move, the “Screaminator,” and gets the pinfall. After the match, Reid holds up Dean’s arm in victory. The “American Screamer” lets out his trademark “YEEE-AAAHHHH” much to the chagrin of Bill Clinton who’s only mere inches away from the new leader of the Progressive Alliance. “God I hate it when you do that,” Clinton mutters.

Next, a major crisis erupts within the BCEW competition committee. The BCEW competition committee is comprised of members of both the Progressive Alliance and the American Patriots and they determine who the #1 contender for the BCEW Men’s World Championship is. A major controversy breaks out when Dr. Frist- Medicine Guy of the American Patriots and majority leader of the committee, attempted to install A. Tom Bomb of the Warmongering Bomb Brothers as the #1 contender. The Progressive Alliance, led by Pith Lord Harry Reid, objected to Dr. Frist’s plan.

Suave explains that the Progressive Alliance threatened to disrupt all matches going forward if Justin Sufferable, the Progressive Alliance’s choice, wasn’t given a title shot against the BCEW Men’s World Champion Rafael Barry Giambee. The crowd, watching on the big screen television inside Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon, immediately chants “ROIDS!…ROIDS!…ROIDS!” at the mere mention of Giambee. Suave then says that the American Patriots threatened to invoke the Nuke Cleeair option to stop the Progressive Alliance. The “Nuke Cleeair” option is named after Nuke Cleeair Bomb- the wily uncle of the Warmongering Bomb Brothers (A. Tom, Newt Tron, and Hy Drogen Bomb). Nuke wants A. Tom Bomb to be named the #1 contender slot for the BCEW championship. Meanwhile, a coalition of more moderate types within both sides led by “Straight-Shootin’” John McCain of the American Patriots and Ben “Mr. Cornhusker” Nelson of the Progressive Alliance try to work out a workable compromise.

“The events of the last weeks have led to tonight’s “winner gets all” grudge match between BCEW competition committee members Harry Reid of the Progressive Alliance vs. Dr. Frist- Medicine Guy from the American Patriots. The winner of this match gets to decide just who will be the next #1 contender for the BCEW men’s championship,” Suave explains as the ring announcer, the lovely Charlene Ann Cantrell introduces both men.

The Pith Lord Harry Reid aka Barth Rabidenous vs. Dr. Frist-Medicine Guy
Reid tersely shouts out: “The American Patriots is full of right wing extremists!” and “This abuse of power will not be tolerated!” “Just to clarify,” Suave explains, “Harry Reid is a Pith Lord known for his pithy, tersely cogent remarks.” Dr. Frist shrugs off the Pith Lord. Then Reid says, “I have the power to scoop out you heart with a spoon and eat it for dessert!” “Okay, that’s weird,” Suave responds, “The Pith Lord is playing the Hannibal Lector card.” The match begins. It is a knock down drag out free-for-all. First, it’s Reid taking the fight to Dr. Frist. Then, it’s Dr. Frist with a rally. Back and forth it goes. Then someone runs down the aisle. “WHAT! IT’S JUSTIN SUFFERABLE!” calls Suave as Sufferable jumps into the ring and starts whacking Dr. Frist with a Singapore cane. “He’s whipping Dr. Frist with the cane! He really wants that title shot!” Dr. Frist curls up into a ball in the middle of the ring as Sufferable relentlessly canes him. Immediately another man rushes to the ring. “‘NO FRILLS’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO!” Suave exclaims as Escondido leaps over the ropes and clobbers Sufferable from behind, “IT’S CHRIS ESCONDIDO! And he is totally pissed that the Progressive Alliance chose to push Justin Sufferable for the #1 slot instead of him.” While Escondido works Justin Sufferable over, yet another man appears in the aisle heading to the ring. “Now what?” Suave asks, “IT’S A. TOM BOMB!” Suave exclaims as A. Tom Bomb hoists the Pith Lord up and launches him out of the ring, “HOLY CRAP! He just power A-bombed Harry Reid out of the ring through a table!” Reid lies crumpled in a heap of what’s left of the ring table. Dr. Frist lies in the ring still smarting over the caning he took at the hands of Justin Sufferable. John McCain and Ben Nelson suddenly appear together in the aisle- each holding a steel-folding chair. Reid and Dr. Frist, both pretty much out of it, manage to pull themselves up and motion desperately for assistance. McCain and Nelson glance at each other and shake hands. “What the hell?” wonders Suave as McCain walks over to Harry Reid, Nelson to Dr. Frist. Then simultaneously *CLANG* “HOLY CRAP!” Suave shouts, “A DUAL CHAIR SHOT! MCCAIN AND NELSON TOOK THEM *BOTH* OUT!” McCain and Nelson meet again, shake hands, and walk to the back. The referee counts both Reid and Dr. Frist out. “Okay!” Suave says, “Now what?”

Inside the office of the CEO of BCEW- George W, Dick, “The Mastermind” Karl Rove, and W watch the TV monitor as John McCain and Ben Nelson talk with Johnny Suave after the match. “He is so not a team player,” observes W. “True,” Dick concurs, “but McCain is the “Straight Shooter” and he has a constituency that we can’t ignore.” “OH!” W shouts at the TV, “now McCain’s talking about steroids! WHAT THE? He’s questioning whether the BCEW Men’s World Champion Rafael Barry Giambee is on steroids? Why! So what if he put on a few pounds?” “175 pounds to be exact,” clarifies Dick. “Whatever!” W says, “McCain still can’t do that!” “Well, yes he can,” Dick says. “Look at least the BCEW Men’s World Champion won’t have to defend the title tonight.” Thanks to the Mastermind over there, in the ‘spirit of compromise,’ *snicker* we’ll make it a 3-way dance for the #1 contender to the men’s title. Justin Sufferable. Chris Escondido. A. Tom Bomb.” The Mastermind points his finger at his temple to once again show that he’s a friggin’ genius. “OH!” shouts a distraught W again, “Now McCain’s talking about continuing to work with the ‘moderate elements’ of the Progressive Alliance! ARRRGHH! I can’t take this anymore!” W immediately whips off his suit and shirt revealing a jogging outfit underneath. “I’m going running,” he says as he dashes out of his office. Dick and The Mastermind then decide that it’s best they break the news to Rafael Barry Giambee that he won’t be defending the title tonight.

The capacity crowd inside Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon comes to its feet as Johnny Suave stands in the middle of the ring with his life-size cardboard cut out of Shania Twain. “This is BCEW! Welcome to tonight’s big pay per view- ‘Revenge of the Pith!’” Suave says over the roar of the cheering crowd, “and as you heard earlier. Tonight. There will be a three way dance with the winner becoming the #1 contender for the BCEW Men’s World championship! Backed by the Progressive Alliance, Justin Sufferable. Independent, Chris ‘No Frills’ Escondido. The American Patriot’s A. Tom Bomb. The winner gets BCEW Men’s World Champion Rafael Barry Giambee-” Immediately the crowd chants: “ROIDS!…ROIDS!…ROIDS!…” “…at our next PPV in July,” Suave continues. Again the crowd cheers.

Green World Order promo
GWO member Brock Cole Lee- the Vengeful Vegan- stands in the ring. “I’m here tonight,” Lee says, “to tell each and every one of you that if you eat meat that you are nothing but murderous scum.” The crowd boos. “That’s right,” Lee continues, “murderous scum. Plus, each and every one of you who drink milk contribute to the gross abuse of cows you abusive ***-holes. How would you like it if some stranger came over and tugged on your udder?” “Well, I guess it would depend on just who is doing the tugging,” quips Suave. Over the loud jeering of the Hack’s audience, Lee then goes on to rip people who smoke as ‘cold blooded killers’ and those who drink beer as ‘irresponsible ***-holes.’ “I hope you all die,” Lee flatly says before a strange squeaking noise interrupts his train of thought. “What’s that strange sound?” Suave asks. Then the great Brownsville Station hit “Smokin’ in the Boys Room” plays as a man appears pulling a grill with hamburgers cooking on it, smoking a cigarette, and drinking a beer. “Hey! That’s Nic Koteen!” Suave says, “What’s he doing out here?” Lee throws a fit. “What the hell are you doing?” he screams at Koteen. “Hopefully, he’s shutting you up,” quips Suave. “Well Frist, I’m going to grill some beef,” Koteen responds, “because everyone knows that BEEF- it’s what for dinner tonight!” The crowd cheers while Lee stomps back and forth in the ring. “Then I’m going to wash that fine ground beef down with a nice cold beer!” Koteen continues, “and then to top it all off, I think I’ll smoke myself a cigarette!” The crowd again roars its approval. Koteen tells Lee that “apparently, some people have way too much time on their hands.” “I reckon the world would be a much better place,” Koteen says, “if people like you with nothing better to do would mind the hell their own business and stop telling people how they should live their life.” Lee jumps out of the ring and pushes Koteen. Nic pushes Lee right back and then an impromptu match starts.

Brock Cole Lee of the Green World Order vs. Nic Koteen
Lee goes for right for the grill. Koteen stops him. Then he shakes the beer can and sprays Lee with it. Lee is stunned. Then Koteen takes a big puff of his cigarette and blows smoke in Lee’s eyes. “AAARRGGHHHH. YOU’RE KILLING ME–ACKKK!” a blinded Lee screams before Koteen clotheslines him. Cover 1-2-3. “Thank you Nic Koteen!” says Suave. Koteen celebrates in the ring. Then Brad Paisley’s new song “Alcohol” plays over the sound system and Nic’s best friend Al Cahall joins him in the ring. They drink beer in celebration, have a smoke, and grill burgers.

Dick and The Mastermind arrive at the door of BCEW Men’s World Champion Rafael Barry Giambee’s dressing room. Hesitantly, they knock on the door. No answer. Dick knocks again. Still no answer. Dick calls out to the champ. Nothing. “This is strange,” Dick observes. He slowly opens up the door, peeks his head inside, and calls out to the champ again. Silence. Dick and The Mastermind go inside Giambee’s dressing room. The champ appears to be sleeping on his bed. Dick tries to wake him up. Nothing. He shakes the champ again. Still nothing. He leans over and listens for breathing. Nothing. “Oh #@@#!” Dick exclaims and checks him one last time. No movement. “He’s dead.” Dick states. “Dead? He can’t be.” Rove says. Dick checks his pulse. “He’s dead as a f****** doornail.” The Mastermind bends over and listens for a heartbeat. “S***,” he says, “now what are going to do?” Dick reminds Rove that he’s supposed to be the Mastermind. “What’s going on?” a loud voice calls out, startling both Dick and The Mastermind. Dick whips around- it’s The “American Screamer” Howard Dean. The Mastermind ducks for cover. “Howard,” chuckles Dick as he maneuvers himself in between Dean and the champion, “what a surprise!” Dean notices the offbeat behavior of the usually unflappable Dick and asks if there’s something wrong. “Wrong?” Dick replies, “what makes you think something’s wrong?” “Perhaps it’s because it looks like you’re hiding something?” replies Dean. Dick scoffs. “Is the champ okay?” Dean inquires, “something doesn’t look right.” “That’s ridiculous!” Dick defensively says, “the champ is fine.” Dean then comments on the ‘lack of color’ of the champion. Dick again assures Dean that the champ is fine. “Right champ?” he asks. Giambee’s arm, with some covert assistance from The Mastermind, slowly rises up with the rigor mortising hand worked into the thumbs up position. “See he’s fine,” Dick says as he escorts Dean from the room, “but he needs his rest! Thanks for stopping by.” “Well? Okay. But you tell the champ to enjoy his rest while he can. My guy Justin Sufferable WILL be the next BCEW men’s champion- count on it!” Then Dean does his trademark “YEEEEE-AAAAAHH!” and leaves. “God I hate it when he does that,” Dick says as The Mastermind Karl Rove pops up from under Giambee’s bed pointing to his temple once again to remind everyone just what a frickin’ genius he is.

A moment with The Domestic Diva- Martha Stewart
Several members of the BCEW roster sit inside a movie theater watching the new Star Wars movie Revenge of the Sith. BCEW Women’s Champion Candiloosa Ricearoni intently watches the scene where Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi have their climactic battle. Puffs of cigar smoke drift back from the front of the theater. Ricearoni waves her arms to disperse the smoke which keeps rolling back in her direction. Then at the part where Obi-Wan cuts off Anakin’s arm and both legs, a huge belly laugh erupts a few row in front. The whole theater turns to where the obnoxious laughter is coming from. Ignoring the audience’s pleas to shut up is the Domestic Diva herself- Martha Stewart. Like Max Cady in the movie Cape Fear, Stewart puffs on a big stogie and deliberately allows the smoke to waft back. Then she breaks out again in outrageous laughter as Anakin catches on fire. Ricearoni continues to wave her arms to blow the annoying smoke away from her. More people grumble and complain about the cigar. A couple gets up and leaves. Then the movie reaches the part where Anakin’s wife gives birth…and dies. Again, Stewart launches into a huge fit of laughter which further annoys and enrages the people around her. The red light on Stewart’s ankle bracelet suddenly pops on and a small beeping sound emits from it. “Oh s***,” Stewart says. Two sheriff’s deputies follow the smoke down the aisle to the Domestic Diva. “What?” she says feigning innocence. Then they lift Stewart out of her seat. “I WANT THAT BCEW WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP BELT CANDILOOSA RICEARONI!” Martha screeches as the deputies proceed to drag her kicking and screaming out of the theater, “I WANT THAT ******* BELT AND I WILL HAAAAVE IIIIIIITTTTT!”

A visit by America’s Favorite Female Broadcaster- Katie Couric
W comes back to his office after his brief run and finds America’s Favorite Female Broadcaster Katie Couric waiting for him. Couric tells W that she wants to do story about “the whole wrestling thing.” W offers to let her talk to a couple of the wrestlers and film a match. Couric states, “No one wants to see two stiffs they’ve never heard of. What they want to see is me, Katie Couric- America’s Favorite Female Broadcaster.” “And your point is?” asks W. “The public wants to see me wrestle,” Couric continues, “besides, everyone knows wrestling is all fake and choreographed and stuff like that. So get me someone to wrestle, make it look good, I win the match and my public will be happy.” “O-kay” relents W. “I’ll make sure you’re taken care of.” “Do that,” America’s Favorite Female Broadcaster snips back and leaves. “Yeah, I’ll take care of you all right!” W grumbles.

As BCEW returns from a commercial break, Johnny Suave is arguing with his producer Guy Taylor at the broadcast table. “The hell I am doing that!” Suave declares stridently. “But Johnny, it’s in your contract,” Taylor reminds him, “and besides, we desperately need the advertising dollars to pay for things-such as your salary.” Suave can’t believe that Taylor is serious about this. “But singing a jingle?” he asks incredulously. “Besides,” Taylor says, “with the way your hairline’s receding you of all people would be a natural to do a hair loss commercial spot.” “HEY!” Suave barks back, beads of sweat appearing on his forehead where his hair used to be.

Reluctantly, in the end Suave does the spot. (Sung to the tune of “Cocaine” by Eric Clapton) “If you’re losing your hair and you don’t think its fair-Rogaine,” Suave warbles with an unsteady voice, “If you’re going bald and you’re losing it all- Rogaine/It’ll grow back, it’ll grow back, it’ll grow back- Rogaine!” Suave gives Taylor the “do I really have to do this” look. Taylor smiles and nods affirmatively. The host sighs and continues. “If you’ve got a widow’s peak and you wanna be discreet-Rogaine/If it’s all falling out and you don’t wanna pout- Rogaine/It’ll grow back, it’ll grow back, it’ll grow back- Rogaine. “Okay, now you have to do the guitar solo,” Taylor says. “A GUITAR SOLO?” exclaims Suave, “I don’t even know how to play the freakin’ guitar!” “But Johnny it’s in the contract-” Taylor reminds him. “Screw the contract,” Suave interrupts, “let’s get on with the next match.”

America’s Favorite Female Broadcaster Katie Couric vs. Ice Skating Trailer Park Honey Tanya Hardy and the White Trash Posse
America’s Favorite Female Broadcaster comes out to a roaring ovation while the brooding Ice Skating Trailer Park Honey Hardy gets a less than enthusiastic welcome. The match is a study in contrasts. Couric brings her microphone to the ring. Hardy brings her trademark baton. Couric seems happy, peppy and obnoxiously perky. Hardy’s facial expression is of one who’s about to rip someone’s face off. Couric brings her film crew and producer to the ring. Hardy brings the White Trash Posse- three men dressed in all black with black ski masks over their face.

“Well, this ought to be interesting,” Suave comments as the match gets underway. Couric walks around the ring and talks about of all things- herself. Or in this case, herself being inside a wrestling ring. Hardy stands in the middle and glares at her as Couric gives a running play by play of what they’re supposed to be doing ie… how the match is supposed to be choreographed. As she and Hardy lock up in the middle of the ring, Hardy plays along as Couric lamely attempts a few wrestling moves. The results are comical in nature and therefore perfect for the vapid nature of morning television. After a few more botched wrestling moves, Couric announces to everyone they’re at the point of the match where she knocks out her opponent and wins the match. Then she launches herself into the ropes and slams into Hardy. Hardy doesn’t budge an inch. “Let’s try that again,” Couric says with a big toothy smile on her face as she whips herself again into the ropes and tries to knock Hardy down. No go. Determined, Couric tries one more time to get Hardy off her feet. Nothing doing. Couric stomps up and down and throws a fit. “Hey!” she yells at Hardy, “according to the script you’re supposed to fall down so I can pin you and-” Hardy grabs Couric’s microphone and whaps her aside the head with it. “HOLY CRAP! WHAT IS SHE DOING?” Suave exclaims. Couric’s film crew is horrified and her producer jumps up to the edge of the ring. “Hey!” Couric’s producer shouts at Hardy, “You can’t do that to her! She’s Katie Couric- America’s Favorite Female- OWWWW!” The White Trash Posse immediately pounce and whap Couric’s film crew and producer on the knee with batons. With her film crew occupied, Hardy then wraps the microphone cord around Couric’s neck. “HARDY IS CHOKING AMERICA’S FAVORITE FEMALE BROADCASTER!” Suave says. Hardy releases her and Couric flops face first onto the canvas. “You wanna know all about wrestling?” Hardy shouts at her, “I’ll show you what wrestling’s all about.” “Wow, I wonder what she means by that?” asks Suave. Hardy then executes a series of painful wrestling moves. Inverted Surfboard. Boston Crab. Figure four leg lock. Camel Clutch. Hardy then drags Couric across the ring and places her upside down on the corner turnbuckle with her legs slung over the top rope. “I don’t believe it,” Sauve says, “She’s put Couric in the tree of woe!” Hardy then puts a steel folding chair against Couric and then goes to the opposite corner. Then she runs across the ring and baseball slides into the chair which then smacks into Couric. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave exclaims as Couric’s body slowly slides off the ropes, “That’s it! She’s out!” The Trailer Park Honey then picks up Couric and puts her in the piledriver position. “Oh no. Oh no, no, no. Not that.” Suave frets, “not- the piledriver!” Immediately BCEW producer Guy Taylor rushes out to the ring to stop Hardy. “STOP!” Taylor cries out, “She’s America’s Favorite-” Again the White Trash Posse come to the rescue with a well-placed baton on Taylor’s knee. “NOOOOO!” an immobilized Taylor shouts as Hardy delivers the piledriver on America’s Favorite Female Broadcaster. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave shouts out, “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. That move ought to be banned. Of course, we’re talking about the piledriver.” Hardy mercifully covers. “1-2-3,” Suave says, “And that’s it. And thank God.”

After the match, medical staff attend to America’s Favorite Female Broadcaster. “Well, while they’re scraping up Katie Couric from the canvas,” Suave announces, “something clandestine and all secret like is going on backstage.” In one of the back rooms, BCEW Investigative Reporter Woodward Bernstein is the phone chasing down the latest big scoop. “What?……You’ve got to be kidding!…A cover up!” Bernstein furiously scribbles notes down on a sheet of paper. “yeah…something about the BCEW men’s champion……dead?……Are you sure?……. Okay… …huh?……I can barely understand your accent……what?……Oh…you’re from Croatia and you have a thick Croatian accent. I get it now……right… What?……You have to go?………Okay…how can I get in touch with you……..okay……and what can I call you?………what?………I can call you……‘Deep Croat?’………O-kay………Yeah, I’ll be in touch…”

Again backstage, Dick and The Mastermind Karl Rove push the deceased BCEW men’s champion Rafael Barry Giambee in a wheelchair. “ROIDS!…ROIDS!…ROIDS!” shouts out the audience at the sight of the champion. Giambee is posed sitting up with a towel over his head as if he is relaxing. W just happens to be sauntering down the hall. “Hey champ,” W says, “what’s wrong with you? You look like death warmed over.” Dick quickly responds, “Mr. CEO, he’s relaxing…sleeping. Ah…you could say he’s totally……DEAD to the world.” W looks at the champ. “Oh, okay,” he says and pats him on the back causing Giambee’s head to flop down. “You get your rest champ. I bet you’re just DYING to get back in the ring.” A relieved Dick mumbles “that’s not the half of it,” as W goes on his way. Dick and The Mastermind quickly take the champion into the kitchen.

“There’s just some strange stuff going on,” Suave comments. “That’s about the best way to describe it- strange.” A commotion breaks out in the aisle way. “Huh? Now what’s going on?” Behind Suave, a furious America’s Favorite Female Broadcaster Katie Couric berates her producer for “letting her look bad” on national TV. “HOW THE F*** COULD YOU DO THAT ME! EVERYONE F****** LOVE’S ME! KATIE COURIC! AMERICA’S FAVORITE F****** FEMALE BROADCASTER! NOT THAT TWO-BIT HO TRAILER F****** TRASH-” “Wow,” a shocked Suave exclaims, “she isn’t the cutesy, perky person…OH MY GOD, SHE JUST FIRED HER PRODUCER!…….AND HER FILM CREW! HOLY CRAP!” Couric stomps off leaving the producer and film crew in total disbelief. “WHAT A B****!” comments Suave just as the bar becomes totally dark and a vignette begins to play on Hack’s big screen.

REVENGE OF THE PITH
It’s a story that begins with these words: “long, long ago in a far, far away place.” It traces the wrestling career of one Annapolis Sleepwalker. Annapolis was considered a ‘babyface,’ or wrestler on the ‘good’ side. He was a brilliant theatrical wrestler with a distinct flair for the dramatic. Sleepwalker and his partner and mentor, Opie-Ron Kenofie, joined together to create a formable tag team that lasted many years as they wrestled in the small town circuit throughout the Southwest. It seemed as if nothing would ever separate them. Then came the fateful day that Annapolis met the figure who would forever change his life- King Palpatate. Palpatate was a ‘heel’ and slowly cultivated a relationship with the young Sleepwalker in order to gain his trust. Finally, Palpatate revealed himself to be a “Pith Lord” and used his charismatic influence and undeniable pithiness to turn Annapolis to the ‘bad’ side. Matters came to a head during a tag team match with the “Drunken Luchadors” The Flyin’ Martini Brothers at the Loving County Baked Beans Festival and Emporium when Annapolis turned on his long time partner and joined forces with Palpatate. Over the next two years, the two men carried on a vicious blood feud against each other that lasted over many spectacular matches all over the Southwest. Finally George W, who just happened to be the commissioner of the East Texas Wrasslin’ Association at the time, ordered that a final epic battle be held to settle the feud once and for all- in a Texas Death Match on a fifteen foot plank over a fifty foot flaming barbecue pit. The winner of the match would be the first one to powerslam his opponent into the molten lava-hot burning coals below. The match itself was electrifying as on several occasions both men nearly tumbled into the barbecue pit below. The younger Sleepwalker pushed the older Kenofie to the limit and nearly had the match won when Opie-Ron slips and nearly falls off the board. However Opie-Ron somehow swings himself back up and knocks Annapolis off balance momentarily. King Palpatate then tries to interject himself into the match by sneaking onto the plank. He’s about to push Kenofie off when George W intervenes. W pulls Palpatate off the plank and in the process also accidentally bumps into Sleepwalker. All Palpatate could do is helplessly watch as Annapolis lost his balance and took one last wild swing at Opie-Ron before tumbling down onto the burning coals. Annapolis was burned so badly in the barbecue pit that both legs and one of his arms had to be amputated.

“And why are we telling you this story?” the announcer of the vignette says, “well, because some weird guy dressed up in all black paid me $50 to- ACKKKKK…*choke* unnnnnnghhhh.” Then two figures appear on screen. A menacing looking King Palpatate and a seemingly “rebuilt” Annapolis Sleepwalker. Sleepwalker is dressed in black in a mechanized body suit complete with lots of flashing lights and breathes with the assistance of a machine. Over the heavy breathing of his apprentice, Palpatate declares that the “time has come” for Sleepwalker to reappear after ten long years. “He has come for what George W denied him 10 years ago!” the Pith Lord says as he strains to talk over Sleepwalker’s breathing which gets louder with every second, “A world championship. He is now powerful! He is stronger, faster, than he was before and it didn’t cost me six million dollars! I have-” Palpatate stops as Sleepwalker’s breathing becomes obnoxiously overaudable. “Jesus,” he snaps at his apprentice, “would you tone it down for God’s sake? You sound like a 1-900 phone line!” The screen goes black.

“Okay, that was definitely weird,” Suave says. “Now let’s get back to-” A guest unexpectedly shows up and joins Suave. “The Mastermind Karl Rove?” Suave says, “what are you doing out here?” The Mastermind explains that he came out to watch the big three-way-dance to determine the #1 contender for Rafael Barry Giambee’s- the crowd interrupts Rove at this point to chant: “ROIDS…ROIDS…ROIDS…”- BCEW Men’s World Championship. Suave asks The Mastermind his thoughts on the match. “Well, obviously I support the American Patriot’s representative A. Tom Bomb and think he’ll win. Besides, the Progressive Alliance is a bunch of wimps.” Immediately, a loud “YEEEEEAHHHH” sounds and out marches the American Screamer and leader of the Progressive Alliance Howard Dean. Dean and The Mastermind get into a heated argument with each other. Then Dick shows up and he starts in on the American Screamer. Deane says something nasty about the American Patriots; Dick responds with “Oh yeah? Well, your mama!” Dean takes umbrage at the remark about his mother and lunges at Dick and a major fracas develops. “CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT!” screeches Suave as he tries to get out of the way. As the two men roll around on the floor and flail away at each other, Katie the Waitress blows right by in a big hurry carrying a tray full of beer. “Right Hack,” yells out Katie, “I’ll get that from the walk-in freezer in the kitchen.” Dick immediately stops. “Oh ****,” he says and then tries to pry himself away from the American Screamer. “Let go,” he says as Dean bites him on the arm, “OWWWWWW!” Finally, Dick gouges Dean’s eyes and gets away from him. Then he runs after Katie to stop her from getting into the freezer. Unfortunately, he can’t get there in time. Katie opens up the door to the walk in freezer and finds the BCEW Men’s World Champion Rafael Barry Giambee frozen solid inside. She screams, drops her tray, and then faints. “Well,” Dick observes as he looks down at the passed out waitress, “perhaps we better find another hiding place for him.”

“Okay, that was even weirder.” Suave says. “All right, let’s go. It is time for the big one. Who will become the #1 contender for the BCEW Men’s World Championship that’s held by a guy who’s apparently been put on ice. We’re just about to find out.”

Three way dance to determine the #1 contender for the BCEW Men’s World Championship: Justin Sufferable with the Attack Poodle Nancy Pelosi vs. “No Frills” Chris Escondido vs. A. Tom Bomb with Daisy Cutter Bomb
Charlene Ann Cantrell introduces the contestants. First out is Justin Sufferable of the Progressive Alliance who walks to the ring with the “Attack Poodle” Nancy Pelosi. Next is “No Frills” Chris Escondido, an independent who comes the ring alone. Finally, out walks A. Tom Bomb who is led to the ring by his well-endowed valet Daisy Cutter Bomb. “It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for,” says Suave building up the event, “three men with a shot to get a chance at the BCEW Men’s champion.” The bell rings and the match begins.

Sufferable and Escondido immediately lock up. Escondido gets Sufferable into a waistlock, but A. Tom Bomb takes down Escondido and starts to work on his legs. Escondido low blows Bomb and breaks out of it. Then he nails Sufferable off the rope, gets in a chop, but Sufferable gets in a big dropkick on Escondido. A. Tom Bomb baseball slides Escondido to the outside of the ring where Daisy Cutter Bomb picks him up and slams him to the floor. Sufferable jumps off the ring apron and misses Escondido landing on the ring barricade instead. Daisy Cutter puts Sufferable back in the ring. A. Tom kicks him a few times, whips him hard into the ropes and hits a huge dropkick. Bomb covers, but only gets a two count as Escondido saves his old friend. Escondido gets Sufferable up in a vertical suplex and comes back down hard, covering in the same motion, but only gets a two count when A. Tom Bomb literally lifts him off. The crowd stands up and applauds the intense non-stop action. A “BCEW” chant starts up. “What an incredible start to this match,” Suave gushes, “all three men really want-” The lights suddenly go out. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave says, “WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON NOW? I have no clue what is going on!” Suddenly the house lights come back up and there’s Annapolis Sleepwalker and his manager Palpatate inside the ring with the other three contestants. “What the hell!” Suave exclaims, “Sleepwalker? Palpatate? What does this mean?” Sufferable then pushes Sleepwalker and tells him to get out of the ring. Sleepwalker picks him up by the throat and choke slams him hard to the canvas. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave says, “He just picked Justin Sufferable up and threw him down like rag doll. Here comes Chris Escondido!” Sleepwalker picks him up and choke slams him hard to the canvas. A. Tom Bomb is the only one left. A. Tom rushes forward and tries to throw a haymaker. Sleepwalker ducks and then latches his hand around the thick neck of A. Tom Bomb. “CHOKE SLAM!” yells Suave as Sleepwalker powers A. Tom Bomb to the canvas. Sleepwalker takes the mic. “The name Annapolis Sleepwalker has no meaning to me. From this point forward, you can call me…Barth Nader!” There’s a hush from the crowd. “BARTH NADER?” Suave says, “what the hell does that mean?” Nader declares that BCEW is just like the corporate lobby in Washington- basically designed to stifle all legislative activity on behalf of consumers. “Oh my God,” Suave wails, “he’s really gone to the other side. He’s talking in recycled quotes from Ralph freakin’ Nader!” Barth Nader states that he has taken pithiness to a whole new level. “George W. and the corporate elites stopped me from becoming world champion once,” Nader says, “Send me your champion, George W., right now. Send him down so I can destroy him just like you destroyed me.” Palpatate then declares that they will keep coming out and disrupting matches until W. sends out the BCEW Men’s Champion and then they leave the ring.

“Well,” Suave says as the pair exits, “Annapolis Sleep-…er…Barth Nader throws down the gauntlet to George W. He wants a title shot against the BCEW champion and they’re going to-” The sound of a cat meowing interrupts Suave followed by chants of “SRB…SRB.” “Ah, the sound of my favorite-…ah never mind…”

SRB- Skanky Rich Bimbos segment
Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie come out. They don’t look very happy. Suave announces that he doesn’t know exactly what’s going on but it appears that the Skanky Rich Bimbos could be on the verge of breaking up. Paris takes the mic and tells the crowd that she’s not happy. She wants to replace Nicole with someone else. “You know what you did,” Paris tells Nicole. A shocked Richie responds, “I don’t know!” Paris: “Oh yeah? You don’t know that I know that you don’t know……but you still did.” Nicole: “That’s not true! You don’t know that!” “I don’t believe it,” says Suave, “This COULD be the end of the SRB!” Paris: “Well…I don’t know that you know that I know that…that…… ARRRRGHH! This is too hard! It hurts my brain.” Nicole: “Me too.” Paris: “I’m tired of fighting. Let’s just stand here and look hot.” Nicole: “Great idea! Everyone knows that- we sizzle…” Paris: “And you all……all……oh @#$#. What’s that word again?” Someone whispers “fizzle” to Paris. “Right. You all fizzle,” Paris says just as the lights go down once again. “Not again!” whines Suave.

After a few seconds the lights come back on and Barth Nader towers over the Skanky Rich Bimbos. The SRB look terrified. “Oh no!” Suave says, “Oh no, no, no, no, no! He can’t do that to them.” Paris and Nicole each try to get out of the ring but Nader grabs them both by the neck and pithly says, “You are no match for my tremendous power derived from the people who are oppressed by big multi-national corporations.” “Yeah, no @#$# Sherlock!” Suave says as Nader lifts them both into the air and delivers a devastating double choke slam to the Skanky Rich Bimbos. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave yells, “Barth Nader just killed the SRB!” The girls lay motionless on the canvas as Nader leaves the ring. Suave implores the paramedics to get into the ring and help them.

Backstage, W. watches what is happening with his aide de camp Dick and The Mastermind Karl Rove. “I want a meeting right away,” W tells Dick. “Call Reid. Howard Dean. Johnny Suave. Everyone. I want them in my office now!”

Back in the ring, paramedics still attend to the SRB. Suave gets a message on his earpiece. He explains that he has been called to an emergency meeting to be held in George W’s office.

The obligatory Green World Order segment
The Green World Order aka…Peacenik #1 and #2, The Vengeful Vegan Brock Cole Lee, and Peta from PETA, sit around a table in the back moping about their latest failure. Peta from PETA whines that people don’t care. Brock Cole Lee still fumes about Nic Koteen blowing smoke in his eyes and grilling hamburgers. Peacenik #1 and #2 still smart from getting their ass kicked in Episode 3 of Loose Cannons Unleashed. “Face it,” Peta from PETA says, “we are not meeting any of our objectives.” “Firepower,” Peacenik #1 pipes up, “as much as I hate to say it, we need more firepower.” There’s some grumbling among the GWO when Barth Nader walks in. Nader, in total search and destroy mode, immediately grabs Brock Cole Lee and threatens to choke slam him through the table. “WAIT!” shouts Peta from PETA who then proceeds to compliment Barth on his pithy Green agenda. Surprisingly, Nader puts Brock Cole Lee down. “I have to admit that the whole violence thing is a bit much but otherwise we all dig your message!” Peacenik #2 explains, “Can we join forces?” Barth Nader mulls the offer but declines. “A Pith Lord only works with his master,” he says, “but since we share the same ideals you are safe from my wrath.” Nader departs. The GWO all look relieved. Brock Cole Lee smiles and says, “Hey. Do you want to wear one of our shirts?” “Don’t press your luck!” advises Nader. Lee: “Right…”

Meeting- W’s office.
Harry Reid aka Pith Lord Barth Rabidenous of the Progressive Alliance, “The American Screamer” Howard Dean, leader of the Progressive Alliance, Johnny Suave, BCEW announcer, Tom “The Texas Hammer” DeLay from the American Patriots, W’s aide de camp Dick, and the Mastermind Karl Rove attend the meeting. W is fuming. The first thing he does is accuse Harry Reid and the Progressive Alliance of being behind Barth Nader’s run-ins. Reid denies any involvement in the matter and tells W, “Barth Nader does not act under my authority. He has crossed over to the green side.” W then suggests that the BCEW Men’s champion Barry US Bonds Giambi- again, the crowd shouts out “ROIDS! ROIDS!” -take on Nader. “NO!” exclaims Dick who then goes on to explain that the champion is ‘unavailable’ and that he’s ‘training.’ “In a meat locker,” adds The Mastermind, “yeah. Just like Rocky!”

Then Woodward Bernstein, BCEW Investigative Reporter, confronts W. “Mr. CEO, isn’t it true that the real reason the BCEW Men’s Champion can’t help is that HE’S DEAD FROM COMPLICATIONS RELATING TO THE OVERUSE OF STEROIDS AND IS NOW HANGING ON A HOOK INSIDE THE WALK-IN COOLER OF HACK’S RUSTY NAIL SALOON?” W is furious. “That’s ridiculous!,” he sputters as Dick and the Mastermind also throw in their two cents. “Mr. CEO,” Bernstein persists, “What did you know about Barry US Bonds Giambi’s steroid use and when did you know it!” “You’re out of order!” shouts back Dick.

“Just a second here,” a voice says. It’s Faux News ace reporter Brian Wilson. “Mr. Reid…or should I say- Barth Rabidenous. Isn’t it really true that this is a plot by the Progressive Alliance to disrupt and obstruct BCEW because they’re not getting their way.” Dean immediately denounces Faux News as a tool of the American Patriots and claims that “the American Patriots are evil. They’ve never worked a single day in their life.” “Just answer the @$#$ing question!” Wilson continues, “why can’t you @#$#ing answer the @#$#ing question?” “Hey, you’re Brian Wilson!” Suave jumps in. Wilson is like ‘yeah? And your point is?’ “I loved your music with the Beach Boys,” gushes Suave, “and Smile was freakin’ awesome man!” Wilson becomes incensed. “I’m not that @#$#ing Brian Wilson you @#$#ing dolt. I’m Brian @#$#ing Wilson of Faux News- Fair and Imbalanced! What the #@$%!…” The meeting then degenerates and is quickly adjourned.

Backstage- Utopian Nation leader Kofi Annan, The French Connection leader Jacques Chirac are in the middle of a heated argument with “The A-hole” John Bolton and “Mr. Old School” Don Rumsfeld over the UN’s involvement in resolving the Barth Nader conflict. Annan and Chirac insist that only the Utopian Nations can solve this problem. Bolton points his pointed finger back at Annan and calls the UN a big @#$#ing joke!

Nader walks by. He first choke slams Annan and then “Mr. Old School.” Then Chirac immediately waves a white flag- no matter. Nader choke slams him too. Bolton unleashes a stream of obscenities at the Pith Lord- he gets choke slammed into a trash dumpster.

Three way mixed tag team match: Nick Lachey & Jessica Simpson vs. Britney Spears & Kevin Federline vs. Ben Affleck & Jennifer Garner
The three way mixed tag match of overexposed celebrity couples we’re tired of seeing on TV every five seconds one doesn’t even get under way. After Affleck is introduced to a chorus of quacking ducks shouting out “AFLAC!” every two seconds, Barth Nader comes out. He flicks his hand and all three couples are unceremoniously thrown out of the ring. “HOLY CRAP! Suave wails. “He just waved his hand and they all flew out of the ring!”

Back in W’s office, he talks with the tag team “The Red Shirts.” The Red Shirts are a group devoted to the anonymous, unsung heroes who accompanied Star Trek’s Captain Kirk, Mr. Spock and crew down to a planet’s surface on various dangerous and life threatening missions. “The next time that maniac comes out you guys go in there and stop him.” W instructs them. The Red Shirts enthusiastically embrace their task.

Suave consoles the cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain. “At least nothing’s happened to you,” he says.

America’s Sweethearts- Tom Cruise and Buckland County’s very own Katie Holmes aka TomKat.
International movie superstar Tom Cruise comes out to the ring with his brand new sweetheart, Buckland County’s very own Katie Holmes. “As much as it’s good to see Katie back in Buckland County,” Suave observes, “I wonder if it’s a good idea to be out here right now.” As TomKat approaches the ring, Towel Guy, 17 year old Derek Munson, dries off the ring ropes with a towel and bucket of water. Katie enters the ring first, then Tom Cruise. Cruise accidently bumps into Towel Guy and water from his bucket splashes onto the superstar. Cruise is pissed. “What kind of jerk are you?” he says to the unsuspecting Towel Guy, “A jerk! That’s what you are!” “Isn’t he dreamy?” gushes Katie, “he’s just like the poster of him I used to have on my wall.” Cruise then threatens to sue Towel Guy. “Oh let it go already,” Suave says, “it was a freakin’ accident.”

Cruise then takes the mic. “I came here to announce that Katie and I are engaged to be married.” Cruise says, “but first I’d like to comment on some of the stuff that’s been going on tonight.” Suave: “I guess he does know what’s been happening.” “First off, all this pithy, alleged supernatural nonsense is nothing more than a bunch of bull#$%$! There’s no such thing as supernatural pith-like powers,” declares Cruise, “it’s a myth. A fraud.” The crowd hushes and buzzes as Barth Nader suddenly appears in the aisle. “No you see,” Cruise says to audience, totally unaware that Nader is lurking close by, “here’s the problem. You all don’t know the history of supernatural pith-like powers. I do. That’s why *ZAP* ARRRRGHHHHHH…” “HOLY CRAP!” Suave says disbelievingly, “Nader’s shooting streams of electricity into Tom Cruise!” Katie jumps out of the ring and starts smacking Nader with her purse. Bad move. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave says, “Now he’s doing the same to Buckland County’s sweetheart Katie Holmes! Someone stop him. I don’t know if I can handle any more of this!” Nader then shoots a bolt of electricity towards Suave’s broadcast table. Suave ducks and the electricity engulfs the Shania Twain cardboard cut out in a halo of bright light. Suddenly, the Shania Twain cardboard cut-out animates and does a sexy table dance on the broadcast table. “Okay, I can handle that!” Suave says appreciatively.

Two men then come flying towards the ring. “WHAT? It’s the Red Shirts! The group named in tribute to the poor unlucky souls who accompany the stars of Star Trek on away missions and usually end up dead! WHOA! Nader just whipped out some type of light beam stick thingy… *fpharmawmph* HE JUST CUT THE RED SHIRTS IN HALF! HOLY CRAP!” Nader then takes the mic and again demands that W sends out his champion. “If you won’t send your environmentally unfriendly, big business oppressing champion out to me, I’ll just come to you.” “IT’S TOTAL PANDEMONIUM! ALL HELL HAS BROKEN LOOSE AND NADER’S GOING AFTER W!” Suave exclaims as the camera follows Barth Nader as he leaves the ring and goes to the back toward W’s office. Nader literally throws anyone in his path out of his way as he advances down the hall and then literally runs right into Straight Shootin’ John McCain. “OH NO! NOT MCCAIN!” Suave says as both Nader and McCain stare at each other. Then inexplicatively Nader says to McCain, “Hey John, how are you doing?” McCain: “Very well. And you?” Nader: “Good, good.” McCain: “Glad to hear it.” Nader: “Hey can I get a picture with you?” McCain: “Sure.” McCain has one of the backstage people snap a picture of him and Barth Nader. Nader: “Thanks.” McCain: “Don’t mention it.” Nader: “The wife and kids okay?” McCain: They’re good. And you?” Nader points to his mechanized suit. McCain: “Oh. Sorry.” Nader: “Not a problem. Say, could you tell me where W’s office is?” McCain: “Sure.” McCain gives Nader the directions, they exchange pleasantries one more time and then each go their separate way.

W hides underneath his desk when Nader arrives at his office. Nader literally reaches underneath the desk and yanks W out by his tie. “Listen, you screwed me out of a championship before; you won’t screw me out of it again!” he says to W. “Either send out your champion or else you can show up in the ring himself.” With that, Nader flings W into his executive chair and exits. A visibly shaken W sits quietly in his chair mulling his options. Then Towel Guy comes in. “Do you need me anymore or can I go home?” Towel Guys asks. W begins to tell Towel Guy to go home. “Hold on a sec,” W says as he reaches into his desk and pulls out a replica of the BCEW Men’s championship belt. “You know, I don’t think you get enough credit for what you do. Take this as a token of my appreciation, a reward for a job well done.” W hands Towel Guy the belt. “WOW!” says Towel Guy, staring at the belt, “gee thanks Mr. W sir.” W then gives Towel Guy a $50 bill and asks him to give the ring ropes one last cleaning. “You can even wear the BCEW Men’s championship belt,” W says, “wear it with pride and get out there and make those ropes shine!” Towel Guy again thanks W and then grabs his water bucket to go to the ring.

“I don’t believe this! I can’t believe W is sending Towel Guy out there with the belt!” Suave says as Towel Guy hops into the ring and gets to work washing down the ropes. “Someone, anyone, get him out of that ring before its-” The lights go down. When the lights come back up, Towel Guy, in the middle of washing down the middle rope, finds himself in the same ring with Barth Nader and Palpatate. “Oh God no,” Suave says as Towel Guy, wearing the BCEW Men’s championship belt is cornered with nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.

BARTH NADER VS. TOWEL GUY
“Soon a new empire will rule BCEW! A new era is about to be-” gloats Palpatate as in a fit of desperation, Towel Guy heaves his bucket of water at Nader. The bucket finds its target and the water short circuits Nader’s mechanized suit. That in turn causes a massive wave of electricity to shoot into Nader’s body that kills him instantly. Nader’s smoking body falls to the canvas. “Oh #@$$,” a stunned Palpatate says. “TOWEL GUY SAVES THE DAY!” shouts Suave as the entire roster comes out and lifts Towel Guy up in the air to take him back to the locker room. Palpatate stands over the still smoking Nader. “Well, at least the suit didn’t melt him,” Palpatate says. Nader’s suit then overheats, becomes super hot, and then totally melts- Nader included. “EWWWWW!” a grossed out Palpatate groans.

“Well on that note,” Suave says, “that’s it for Revenge of the Pith. We’ll be back with our next special- ‘Weekend at Barry’s’ very soon. I’m Johnny Suave and this has been Buckland County Extreme Wrestling.

 

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