*10 bell tribute to astronaut Sally Ride*
*flute and clarinet flourish*
Two men come out and unroll a white carpet to the ring steps. Dancers then dance. Ballet dancers…ballet? Little children walk up the white carpet and drop rose petals. Someone lets loose some pigeons…we’re still not sure just how they’ll get out of the building. PCW CEO Barack Obama appears with his Aide de Camp Joe ‘the Big F-ing Deal’ Biden by his side.
*10 bell tribute to the Aurora, Colorado shooting victims*
Obama offers his sympathy to the Aurora victims and then gets down to business. Obama: “In lieu of some of the outrageous, over the top, antics that has occurred over the past couple weeks, and the accidental premature leak yesterday that PCW was doing away with the women’s division, I have made the executive order effective immediately. The PCW Television Title, held by Dawn McGill, is to be merged with the Women’s Title, held by Miss USA, in a title unification bout tonight.”
The crowd boos. Suave: “This sucks. Either way, they’re taking away another belt that was held by an Independent wrestler.”
Obama: “So, it will be Dawn McGill vs. Miss USA…vs. Code Pink (D)-”
The crowd again boos.
Obama: “…in a 3 way-” The crowd roars and drowns Obama out when…
…McGill and Miss USA appear on the ramp and walk to the ring. McGill: “Hold it. If this is a title unification match, why are you including Code Pink in the match? She’s not a champion. She’s never held a belt. She’s not entitled-” Obama: “If you’ve got a title, you didn’t win that. Someone else made that happen. Someone gave you the opportunity to win. Code Pink is now getting that same opportunity.”
Miss USA takes the mic. Miss USA: With all due respect, where were you when I spent countless weeks away from my husband to get my career started? Where were you on those cold winter nights when my car broke down in the middle of nowhere and I had to scramble to make the next show? You never came along to give me a ride. Where were you when I couldn’t pay my bills and had to borrow money from a bank to make my ends meet? Where were you when I had to leave my infant child to go back on the road because I can’t afford to stay home?”
McGill takes the microphone. McGill: Where were you, Mr. Obama, as I rehabbed my knee not once but twice after it was nearly blown off while serving this country so I could have the career of my choosing? You didn’t do that- I did. Not your sweat and blood- it was mine-”
Code Pink, Emily S. List, and Soccer Mom (D) hit the ring and attack McGill and Miss USA from behind. List climbs to the top of the turnbuckle and hits the diving headbutt on McGill. Code Pink DDTs McGill and Soccer Mom goes up top, yells “IT’S FOR THE CHILDREN!” and hits a frog splash. Then…
The crowd stands and cheers. PCW CEO Obama decides it’s time to leave. He and Biden make a hasty exit.
The video screen goes to just outside a dressing room in the back. A police escort is waiting at the door. One of the policemen knocks on the door.
Policeman: “Ms. Berg. It’s time.”
The door opens and large male bodybuilding types walk out of the dressing room surrounding a petite woman and her male assistant in the middle. Jill Berg (R) is busy talking on her cell phone while the man furiously scribbles down notes as the group makes their way towards the ring.
The procession emerges from the back and starts their way down the ramp.
Her assistant has a microphone and a portable tape recorder. He flips it on.
The group then continues towards the ring leaving the police escort behind.
The twenty bodyguards assist Ms. Berg into the ring. She, her assistant, and two bodyguards immediately go to a corner.
Berg continues to talk on her cell phone.
The crowd rises to their feet when her bodyguards attack Code Pink, List, and Soccer Mom. Berg in- SPEAR! to Soccer Mom. Jackhammer Slam and that’s all for Soccer Mom. McGill gets her bearings back and nearly flips Code Pink with a lariat. McGill throws Pink right into a Buzzsaw Kick from Jill Berg. Miss USA climbs to the top rope and nails Emily S. List with a Patriot Missile Dropkick.
McGill and Miss USA then turn to Berg. Suave: “I think they’re going to shake hands.”
Berg then nails McGill with a Buzzsaw Kick. Her bodyguards attack Miss USA and hold her for another Buzzsaw Kick from Berg. Berg picks up the TV and Women’s Title and holds them in the air while pointing at herself.
Suave: “What the hell just happened here?”
Self-help guru Tony Robbins, hot off his successful motivational seminar in San Jose, CA where 21 people received second or third degree burns on the soles of their feet after walking across a bed of hot coals,…
Suave: “You know, life is tough enough as it is. But it’s a whole lot tougher if you’re stupid.”
…is talking with Larry Fitch and giving him encouragement in his upcoming match against Big Oil (R). Robbins: “You can do this. There’s only…what…a foot and half difference between you and him height-wise. He only outweighs you by a hundred and fifty pounds. You beat him.” Fitch: “Really?” Robbins: “Yes. Yes, you can. Now, that’ll be $200.” Fitch hands him a check.
(1) Larry Fitch w/Tony Robbins vs. Big Oil (R) of Corporate Might w/Kirk Walstreit and CEO Gordon Guyko
Fitch runs right out and takes a swing. Big Oil swats him away. Choke Slam. Oklahoma Driller. Pin. Time: 0:23
Suave: “Well, he got his money’s worth.”
Suave then recapped the big match last week between Daniel-San and PCW Blue Brand Champion ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (D) and the Syrian Assassins 1 and 2 with Bashar Assad.
Daniel-San had Syrian Assassin #1 in the LaBell Lock but out of nowhere, Eastern Powers Foo Qu of China and Russian Sergei Sardominov hit the ring and vetoed the Democrats submission. The match ended with an angry Hillary Clinton (D-NY) climbing up onto the ring apron and yelling at the Eastern Powers.
PCW Investigative Reporter Woodward Bernstein talks with the Eastern Powers. Bernstein: “Where is Bashar Assad?” Foo Qu: “He’s not here.” Bernstein: “Is it true that he’s in hiding now?” Sardominov: “That’s just Western propaganda.
(2) Syrian Assassins 1 and 2 vs. Daniel-San and PCW Blue Brand Champion ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (D)
While the Eastern Powers are talking with Bernstein, Daniel-San and Chism do a number on the Syrian Assassins. By the time Daniel-San once again slaps on the LaBell Lock on Syrian Assassin #2, it’s too late for the Eastern Powers to exercise their veto. Syrian Assassin #2 taps out.
After the match, the Eastern Powers rush to the ring much, much too late. Hillary Clinton climbs in and points to her temple to indicate that she’s outsmarted them.
Corporate Might (Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit- Wall Street Market Analyst with the Man Crush on ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit) push a wheelbarrow full of cash into Mitt Romney’s dressing room.
Inside the boiler room of the Obama campaign… Aide #1: “We’ve surpassed the amount of money we’ve brought in for the month.” Aide #2: “It doesn’t matter, keep spending.”
(3) Main Event- elimination match: Charlie Blackwell and Mike the Mechanic of the American Heartland Coalition vs. Corporate Might: Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit (R)
Winners meets Big Union (‘The Self Proclaimed Savior of the Middle Class’ Big Labor and James the Jeep Worker (D) to become the #1 contender for the PCW Tag Team Title.
…Big Oil measures Charlie Blackwell and drops a closed fist. Walstreit puts Blackwell in an arm grapevine submission. Mike the Mechanic in for the save. Now Big Oil with a fist drop, but Blackwell rolls away. He dives for the corner and tags in Mike the Mechanic.
Swinging neckbreaker on Big Oil. Vertical Facebuster on Kirk Walstreit. Mike climbs to the top of the turnbuckle, diving headbutt on Walstreit. Big Oil knees Mike the Mechanic from behind and drives him to the mat. New Jack gets back to his feet. Big Oil whips Mike off the ropes and hits him with a diving shoulder block. Neck breaker to Mike by Walstreit. He hooks the leg…1 …2…BLACKWELL WITH THE SAVE!
PCW Lead Attorney Eric Holder (D) and the Department of Justice (D) run out with Big Union: Big Labor and James the Jeep Worker and Bain (D). Justice 1 hits a high crossbody on Blackwell. Justice 2 tackles Mike the Mechanic to the mat. James the Jeep Work locks Walstreit in the Assembly Line submission. Big Oil, Big Labor with Bain brawl on the floor.
Big Labor shoulder tackles Big Oil. Bain then chokes Big Oil with a microphone cable. The DoJ simultaneously toss Blackwell and Mike the Mechanic from the ring. Suave: THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE IS NEUTRALIZING THE OPPOSITION! BUT WAIT!
The crowd roars when…
…appear. Ted smashes a beer bottle over Big Labor’s head. McGill starts whacking everything in sight with a kendo stick. Miss USA goes top rope and delivers a Patriot Missile Dropkick that sends Justice 2 over the top rope and to the floor.
The camera cuts over to…Bain- under attack by Politically Incorrect (NRA, Nic Koteen, Al Cahall, and Andrea Doria) and the Common Sense Revolution (Mitch Thomas-American Taxpayer and Brad Company) PI and the CSR win the numbers game against Bain and then Ted blasts him over the head with another beer bottle as the show ends.
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